"You still crave lemonade, but the taste doesn't satisfy you as much as it used to. You still crave summer, but sometimes you mean summer, five years ago." - Alida Nugent
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they say lavender softens anxiety and I wonder whether I can plant a garden so dense in your mind that the knots in your chest unravel and never tighten again."
- jasmine kaur, from when you ask me where i'm going
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Childhood Trauma
●El crecer estas piezas de verdad fue algo muy personal y muy doloroso, siempre me he jactado de ser una persona con muchas cosas resueltas ...
Pero si volteo para atrás, tengo muchas cosas y problemas básicos sin resolver ...
Aun puedo ver a esa niña pequeña preguntándose "por que no puedo ser normal, por que mi familia no esta aquí conmigo, por que nadie esta aquí conmigo "
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Fun bit of Ellis lore: when I was a Wee Child who didn't care about gender norms or know anything I was doing was "weird," I used to read! A lot! Like any undiagnosed-autistic nerdy kid growing up in the late 2000s and early 2010s, I was present for the golden eras of grade school and middle school literature and spent a lot of time borrowing books from the local library. Unfortunately for me, my mother would sneak into my bookbag and bedroom and read everything I borrowed. If she thought anything wasn't perfect for a good Christian future-primadonna, she confiscated it. Once, I made the mistake of borrowing a book with two girls holding hands on the cover. How frightening! (sarcastic.) But of course, I couldn't get a book with people of opposite genders on it, either, because obviously that was inappropriate. My mother was suspicious of Geronimo Stilton of all things. She never stopped doing that, either, so now, I can only read fanfiction in a private window.
I didn't stop reading because I ran out of time, or passion. I stopped reading because physically borrowing books isn't safe for me.
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Is all these fucking voices in my head
Tell me I'm not good enough for them
They just leave me paranoid
Paranoid, paranoid again
~ Palaye royale, Paranoid ~
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One of my favorite things to do is play character creation games and recreate my pixie from pixie hollow. Yea I still haven't gotten over it >_<
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My childhood was normal! Bleak! Dull! Boring!
No! I don’t want to go back. Not because it was painful and horrible.
No! Because I know it could have been so special. So magical and fantastic. So full of light. I am longing for the unachievable. Something I’ve heard people talk about. Something I’ve read about in the great works of literature, seen in the movies; something I’ve felt during those late nights alone.
Something which, in essence, cannot exist.
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