#sad things | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sirfrogsworth · 1 year

Text

Actually, I might have too many reasons.

I'm afraid it has been a really difficult few years for me and my family.

Our beloved corgi, Otis, developed a terrible condition (degenerative myelopathy) that made him lose the function of his back legs. Once his quality of life diminished passed the point where he could no longer experience joy as a dog and only had hardship and suffering to look forward to, we had to put him to sleep.

In February, despite taking painstaking measures to stay safe, my entire family contracted COVID and I also developed a kidney stone at the same time. Unfortunately, my mother was on medication that made her immune system pretty much useless. She died a horribly lonely death in the ICU. The last time I got to speak to her was over the telephone, with a nurse holding the phone up to her face. She was confused and scared and could not breathe despite being on two different breathing aids. All she could do was ask if my dad and I were okay. She was more worried about us than herself. Then they had to put her mask back on and she kept trying to talk even though I couldn't understand her. All I could hear was the fear in her voice. I tried to tell her how much I loved her one last time, but I have no idea if she could hear me.

She lost consciousness soon after and never woke up. Eventually her heart gave up and she passed. I only got to see her once briefly through a glass door. Her body was still alive, but she was already gone at that point. Just an unconscious vessel attached to machines.

My father has kidney failure and heart failure. He is being kept alive by dialysis 3 times per week. He hates going and it wipes him out every time. We hope he has a year or two left, but it's impossible to know for sure.

I am his caretaker even though I am also disabled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Narcolepsy. I do my best to make sure his needs are met. My brother has been almost no help at all. A few friends and my aunt come by every once in a while to help with chores, but it's pretty much just me alone taking care of the both of us.

I have no idea where I am going to live if my dad passes away. I have no plan. I have no energy to make a plan. And that fear makes it hard to sleep many nights.

Then I was having these horrible stomach issues and lost nearly 30 pounds (in a bad way). The discomfort got so bad at one point I became suicidal. My dad feared for my life and so he called the police and EMTs. They admitted me into the hospital. After 2 days in the ER, being stuck in a small room because they had no other place to put me during COVID, I was finally admitted to a psychiatric ward for observation. Weirdly my stomach issues started improving and my suicidal thoughts passed.

I'm honestly not sure if I would have taken my own life if I had not been admitted. But I will say those two days in a tiny ER room did not do much to improve my mental health. It is sad that in this country with all its resources, there is no such thing as urgent mental healthcare. They just stick you in a room and make sure you can't hurt yourself as you wait in line to get the actual help you need.

Thankfully I was able to adjust some medication I was taking and resolve my stomach issues. That seemed to relieve me of my dangerous thoughts and I have been okay in that regard ever since.

My dad had a serious infection in July that placed him in the hospital. He lost the ability to walk, his heart stopped briefly, and he started having horrible hallucinations. At one point I wasn't sure if he would ever return to reality. Nothing he said made any sense. Thankfully once they treated the infection and he got decent sleep he returned to lucidity. But he had to go through brutal rehab in order to walk again (with a walker and only short distances).

He was in hospital and rehab for over a month. After what happened to my mom, I promised myself that my dad would not be alone in the hospital. So, no matter how bad I physically felt, I pushed myself to visit him and be at his bedside every day and all day until they kicked me out. It was grueling for both of us, but I don't know if he would have recovered if I hadn't been there. Partly because I kept his spirits up, but also because I was able to get him better care as an advocate. I had to push to make sure he got the tests and medication he needed and saw the doctors that could help him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

The only bright side of his hospital stay is that we rediscovered our love for St. Louis Cardinals baseball. We bonded over it and ended up watching every game. We were very sad when they were quickly eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. But it was a magical season as two fan-favorite players were playing their final season and they had amazing and emotional sendoffs. (Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina) It is my hope that my dad has at least one more baseball season left in him.

My health took a serious downturn earlier this year. It happened on the very same day that my best friend Katrina came to visit from Florida. I got so sick I could barely appreciate her presence when she was here. I had been looking forward to seeing her for a very long time and my stupid chronic illness ruined it. I was counting on that visit to give me a mental health boost.

I recovered a few weeks later, but my health has never been the same. I had to adjust to a new normal and adapt and find ways to take care of my father despite being further impaired.

I also lost my last creative outlet--writing. I enjoy researching and writing long and humorous political essays, but since my health declined further, I have not been able to write like that ever since. I'm really hoping I can regain that ability, but I'm unsure if that will happen.

One of my best friends is trans and I have many trans friends and followers and I am just really scared for them right now. The laws that are being proposed and passed are unjust and cruel. I have never witnessed such an effective campaign of hatred in my lifetime. I mean, I know there has always been hatred of the marginalized in every era of modern human existence, but this seems to go beyond just the conservative hate-mongers. It is not couched in subtext and dog whistles. It is overt and very "out loud." And I'm seeing people who claim to be progressive join in this hatred.

They are suddenly super worried about sports they never used to pay attention to. They think bathrooms are suddenly dens of danger despite trans people existing long before this concentrated hate became popular and bathrooms being perfectly safe beforehand. And now people believe that helping trans kids with proper healthcare is akin to child abuse. They think accepting trans kids is "grooming."

I see Twitter and Reddit threads filled with transphobia and it often brings me to tears to see people openly and comfortably hate the people I love so much. They hate people who have no tangible effect on their lives. People who just want to exist and be respected.

I just don't know how people can hate my friends so much without even knowing them.

Also, I'm just... really really lonely. All the time. It feels like a constant punch in the gut. I miss seeing and hugging my friends. I miss romantic companionship. And I've got a 20+ year streak of being sexually frustrated and am completely unsure how in the world to address that.

And finally, I decided to watch The Handmaid's Tale which is just full of rape and sadness. I figured I'm already horribly depressed, so a show probably isn't going to do much more damage. But it is still a tough watch.

That's the major headlines of my depression.

I'm just trying to survive and find little ways to cope. Mostly I am leaning on my support system and amazing best friends to keep me propped up and functioning.

Best I can do right now.

#trigger warning #depression #sad things #transphobia #rape mention

506 notes · View notes

you-know-honey · 6 months

Note

Idk if you write for copia it if ur requests are open but could u write copia x fém!reader where they go ta a bar and they get into an argument or something and reader ses copia kissing some girl or some and reader gets really mad? I hope u get what I mean idk how to explain it

Oh, I think I understand what you're saying, I usually don't write dramas because they get out of hand, but I love tea, so let's spill some on the carpet ;) (I hope you like it even with the slight change, sorry for the delay)

Tower of Cups

Copia x Fém!reader

Resumen: Even nice guys turn into jerks with the right amount of ego.

Word Acount: 5589

Warning: This might hurt your heart, reader.

The lights in your study were the only ones on in that part of the abbey, your index fingers and thumb were red from so many wounds with the needle and you had bled more than once. The moonlight crossed the huge window behind you and distorted your shadow, you sighed tiredly and passed the needle over the beautiful light blue fabric again, you raised your gaze to the photo on the desk and smiled, gaining strength again.

The candle next to the painting showed Copia smiling goofily with a small rat on his shoulder and you giving him a kiss on the cheek, something that made Copia blush, absolutely happy. That motivated you to continue embroidering each of the details by hand, you wanted it to be perfect for your beloved now Papa.

For weeks you had been finishing Copia's second papal suit, every detail counted and you wanted it to be perfect, as he deserved.

You hadn't been able to be present the night he was promoted to Pope, something you clearly regretted. Since that night they had barely seen each other, he spent all his time busy and away from the Minister. That made you sad, you knew that with the new position would come new responsibilities but were there so many that he couldn't stop for even a second?

Several nights you waited for him in his room but he did not arrive, you even baked a cake to celebrate but when it began to dawn you knew that he would not arrive and the rats simply took advantage of it more, they were thin and dirty as if Copia had not fed them for some time . Something strange about him, you wanted to ask him for explanations but the opportunity was never given due to his absence.

That whole situation was breaking your heart, you missed walking through the abbey holding his hand, seeing him try on his suits and looking at him excitedly, playing video games together or simply listening to him practice songs. You missed that sweet man, now you only looked at him through photos and he looked intimidating, like Cardinal he was sweet and tender but like Papa it was as if his sweetness had evaporated. You didn't want to think about everything that had changed but every day it became more obvious the abyss that was beginning to form between the two of you.

You glanced at your phone, 2:15 AM and no message from Copia.

You gave in to fatigue and left the palia on the table with the needle still embedded in the fabric, you grimaced when you saw the damage on your hands, they stung like an open wound. You didn't like this strange silent treatment on Copia's part, the loneliness in the abbey was eating you alive. You were tired of having to wait for him to approach you again, his silly silent treatment had you fed up, if he wanted to avoid you he wasn't going to succeed.

"Because..?" You murmured to the darkness as if it were going to give you the answer. And maybe he did.

The white light and the roar of a car engine cut the raw silence. You knocked over the small wooden bench as you stood up and rushed against the window, a 1933 Bentley parked in the driveway, a ghoul got out of the driver's seat to open the door. You held your breath in your lungs as you grabbed your coat and ran out of your study, jumping the steps three at a time until you reached the first floor and rushed to the door. You exhaled the air, and waited anxiously like a puppy for the door to open.

"Y/N? What are you doing here?" Asked Sister Imperator, who appeared at the door, she looking really tired.

"Oh I…I thought…it was someone else.." You responded disappointed, you really wanted to see Copia walk through that door but once again he wasn't there. You gave Sister a small bow and stepped aside so she could pass.

The woman walked and she stopped in front of you, letting the cold sneak in a little and chill the inside of your lungs. Looking outside you could see Mountain taking Sister's belongings down and passing them by to take them to the main office and Sodo waiting leaning against the car.

"Were you expecting someone else?" I ask you, with that insightful look.

"Yes…" You sighed, taking some courage from your gut to look the woman in the eyes. "I thought Papa Emeritus IV had arrived. He must be very busy, right?"

"Oh" he laughed a little "Of course, the Clergy has him very busy" you felt like he was laughing at you for your innocence of something you didn't know about. "Well, good night."

Sister placed her hand on your shoulder and gave a light squeeze, then retreated, until all that was left was the echo of her footsteps on the stairs.

You looked back at the car, Sodo was getting into it again, maybe to leave it in the garage. You bit your lower lip indecisively, normally it was necessary to notify each time someone left, you will receive a reprimand for leaving like that but…

"Fuck everything" you clutched your coat to your chest and closed the Minister's doors behind you, hurrying down the small steps to get to the car that was restarting its engine "Sodo!" You knock lightly on the window.

The engine turned off again and the window rolled down, the ghoul had a clear grimace of displeasure. "What?" I ask annoyed.

"Do you know where Copia is?" He sighed and nodded "Would you take me with him?" I asked him in the best tone you could muster in the face of his sour attitude.

"Ha!" He mocked, baring his fangs in a grim smile. "What makes you think I'll take 'overtime' for you?"

"It could be your good deed of the year" his face said it all, it didn't seem like a big deal to him, you cleared your throat you didn't like using blackmail but you really needed to know where he was "If you don't take me to Copia I'll tell him to Sister Imperator about your loving relationship with a certain ghoul" You threatened firmly.

Sodo's back straightened and her mouth fell silent with little "You wouldn't be able to," she spat the words in your face. Baring his fangs just like a predator.

"Try me," you murmured, moving closer to his mask. You kept your gaze steady and as strong as you could.

"Ahg" he complained angrily and hit the steering wheel "Get in at once"

Smiling, you crossed in front of the car and opened the passenger door. "No, no," Sodo said mockingly, your brow furrowed "Your game, my rules," he pointed to the back seats.

"Whatever" you rolled your eyes and pulled the passenger door to open the back one, you sat down and closed the door.

Sodo started the engine again and abruptly turned around and left the Ministry roundabout driving like a maniac, on purpose. He would take you to the place, if you arrived unharmed it was not his problem, plus he was not at all happy to follow orders from someone as low-ranking as you, a simple dressmaker. You hit your head a couple of times against the glass and your face slammed into the seat in front of you. In your mind you couldn't stop cursing Sodo.

Thinking that the place where Copia met with the Clergy must be quite serious, something simple but denoting some importance. But that wasn't what greeted you when Sodo slammed on the brakes.

"You've got to be kidding me…" you mumbled as you looked out the window.

In front of you stood a huge building, the loud music made the windows of the first floor resonate, from the windows of the other floors that you could see, you could see flickering lights and dancing silhouettes, there was a huge line of people waiting to enter, girls with short satin dresses and heels of at least 13 cm. You got out of the car with your mouth open, this was not at all what you expected, a part of you felt anger ¿meetings? yes of course…

Sodo closed the door on his way out and stopped next to you.

"You weren't expecting this, were you?" He asked, the situation made him laugh.

"Not at all," you pressed your jacket closer to your body, feeling the judgmental gaze of some of the girls.

"Do you still want to come in?" Sodo ask you.

"Yes" you had many questions that had to be answered that same night or you would go crazy.

"Good"

Sodo took your wrist and made his way with surprising agility through the people, some were clearly complaining but no one stopped them, they reached the door and the security guard quickly recognized the demon.

"And her?" I ask as I see you become symbolically small after Sodo.

"She is a guest of Pope Emeritus IV." Sodo clarified, the guard hesitated for a few seconds but finally opened the door for them.

You wouldn't be lying if you said that you almost vomited upon entering, the air was intoxicated with cigarette smoke and marijuana, the music didn't let you hear your own thoughts, many bodies out of nowhere were rubbing against you and the flashes of light hurt your eyes too much. Sodo held her grip on your wrist as he walked through the horny crowd.

You didn't understand why Copia, your dear Copia would be in a place like that, he hated parties, he was a man of movies and blankets, who preferred to play with his tricycle before having a fairly formal dinner. This was not a place where the Copia you knew would want to spend his nights. What about his rats? From walks through the abbey? What about you, did he leave you because of all this?

Sodo takes you to the elevator, where there is a suspicious puddle of 'water' and some red panties, both of you avoid the puddle and personally avoid touching any part of the elevator.

"What is he doing here…" a bad feeling begins to bite your heart.

"I don't know, since he became Pope he's been here" Sodo responds, you hadn't asked expecting an answer but that only fueled your uncertainty.

Sodo marked the last floor, the doors closed and the music finally stopped being so loud, that was like a respite for you, as you passed through each floor you could hear different types of music and quite private sounds. You were absolutely uncomfortable with the whole situation but you still couldn't stop thinking about Copia, would he be as uncomfortable as you here?

On the top floor there was nothing but soft music and the murmur of many people, when the doors opened and all eyes fell on you and your outfit, so inelegant and in keeping with the situation, you stood out and not in a good way. The men in suits looked you up and down with disgust and the girls in tiny scraps of clothing that left nothing to the imagination whispered about you shamelessly.

No one asked questions, since I was accompanied by a ghoul, everyone thought that even though you were dressed terribly, you knew what was happening. Clear mistake.

"Okay, I'll leave you here" Sodo responded pushing you out of the elevator. "I'll wait for you in the car."

"No! Wait-" You turned quickly but it was too late, the doors had already closed and the screen above them indicated that it had started to go down. You turned around again, facing the situation, everyone had continued with their thing.

You took a long breath and began the search, shyly you made your way through the people, you felt some hands touch your butt and even squeeze it, you held back a scream so as not to make a fuss, reminding yourself that you were there for one reason only. The mixture of perfumes was beginning to overwhelm you, some strong, others sweet, you looked at a dark area, few people were there, there were tables with small desserts and a tower of wine glasses, you mixed with the people again and you arrived. You sighed, the search was resulting in failure but you didn't want to stop.

"Oh…dolcezza…" You heard someone sigh, you knew that voice, it was unmistakable in your head and that nickname…Copia used to call you that, but now you heard it in a dirty and erotic way.

You turned instinctively, between the small space that there was between one glass on the other you saw him, the most unmistakable man, his arms, his hair, his legs, his voice… You simply drowned out the worst scream of your life, your lips showed a grimace of pain and disappointment, the bad feeling was true and tore off a piece of your heart, mocking your foolish innocence, the air was beginning to run out of your lungs, your hands began to sweat and tremble. You wanted to become as small as an atom and simply disappear, but a first glance was not enough, your mind denied that that man was Copia.

Behind the wine glasses were small 'privates', rooms with comfortable velvet seats, dim lights and translucent curtains. Sitting in those comfortable seats was Copia, with his legs extended and his white silk shirt open, his chest stained with kiss marks from red lipstick, taking a little from the wine glass in his hand…as if he were the damned boss of the place. Your gaze went up to her face and the image broke your heart, you had to put your hand to your chest to make sure you were alive.

Copia's hair was messy, the makeup on his face was stained with red lipstick, including his lips as well. Oh sure, let's not forget about them, the same lips that had whispered romantic poems to you at night were now literally devoured in a fierce and passionate kiss with a half-naked girl who grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, surely to take him to more intimate terrain, he didn't seem upset or surprised or disgusted, he wanted her too, you could see the same carnal desire in his eyes as in hers.

Your stomach turned, determined to get out everything it had in it, your mind was broken looking for excuses for what you saw and your heart just kept bleeding in front of everyone. You ran a hand through your hair, that whole situation was too much for you, it drowned you like a stormy sea, the tears came out of your eyes without stopping and cut your cheeks like razors, then something saved you, the only feeling that can help a person broken heart, the only feeling that is stronger than love. The wrath.

Your face changed completely, it hardened, you wanted to see how much of a 'boss' he was in front of you. You raised your leg and pushed the table on which the wine glasses rested, as was logical the table overturned and each of the glasses crashed on the floor, shattering and spilling their contents on your targets.

The noise caught the attention of everyone who turned to look at you, not understanding what the hell was happening. The girl on Copia's lips walked away exalted and screamed in surprise, both were covered in wine and this did not please Pope IV at all.

"Who the fuck did this?!" He exclaimed, standing up annoyed, you laughed, as if he could hurt anyone.

"I did it, cause any problems Papa Emeritus IV ?" you uttered with complete confidence, arms crossed.

“Y-Y/N” he stuttered, your name in his mouth sounded like an insult, it was no longer worth saying. He froze in her place, completely pale, the same color as the white of her makeup, you saw his Adam's apple rise. He looked like a child who had been caught in a mischief. With the difference that he was a man and his 'mischief' had a name and maybe 20 years younger than him. "Wha-what are you doing here?" He tried to get closer but the step back you took made it clear that you didn't want him close.

You held your tears in your chest, if anyone was going to be ridiculed it wouldn't be you "I just wanted to know where you were spending your 'busy' nights. I guess you were having a great time with the paperwork" you looked at the girl behind him, your anger not it was with her, but you couldn't help but feel some resentment.

"You shouldn't be here, this isn't a place for girls like you." Copia tried to get closer but the disgust and disappointment in your gaze froze him.

You had never looked at him that way, from below, with that distance in your gaze. He had opened a chasm between them now.

You were amazed by the coldness with which he said those words, as if you were his subordinate. "You're right, I shouldn't be here. I've already seen everything I had to see… Have fun." All the eyes on you were beginning to bother you and as you watched the scene your strength began to diminish.

You turned on your feet without saying anything hugging yourself, the crowd made way for you towards the elevator. You didn't feel yourself, as if this were just a cruel scene from a movie, as if nothing were real, but the image of Copia's lips on that girl's made fun of all the beautiful moments they had had together and buried the razor of deepest pain in your chest. The doors and the splash under your shoes brought you back to reality, it was then, in the semi-solitude of that elevator that you overflowed, the tears continued to come and moans of pain pushed your lips, you shook your head, you wished everything was false.

He could hear the blood circulating through his body, frozen in place, he felt unable to look up, his nails were digging into the palms of his hands.

The night had started well. He felt like he had the world at his feet, he had seen Primo, Secondo and Terzo come to this place and be praised like gods, respected like true eminences. He had seen a pretty girl and felt all the security in the world to approach and ask to spend the night with her, he wasn't going to go beyond kissing, it's not like he had experience in the most private sphere, he had been flirting with girls all these days and he felt like he was on top of everyone in that place.

But seeing you there… seeing your face of disappointment, of horror… he felt dirty, like a really disgusting object, just another ordinary man, one of the same men you complained about when watching movies together. The kind of man he promised not to become.

"I wish there were more men like your Copia" he remembered that you told him "sweet and really good. Totally my type" at that moment you kissed him, it was technically his first serious kiss, he remembered your look, full of love and sweetness, as if you were looking an angel or the most beautiful being on earth.

But tonight he had ruined everything, he had become an idiot that you used to complain about and that you used to hate… Did you hate him now? What a fool. Of course you hated him now!

He came back to reality, the girl he was with was gone and people were just looking at him like he was crazy. He closed his shirt as if he had some modesty, it was sticky and completely ruined from the wine.

He wanted to excuse himself, to tell you some lie, something that would make you not look at him like you did, not talk to him like you did, he wanted everything to go back to normal, when you both spent time together and he received nothing from you other than affectionate kisses, smiles and charming looks. If I hadn't been avoiding you for being so immersed in those silly and pathetic power fantasy this would never have happened and I knew it. I didn't want to lose you. He knew that no one in the world apart from you would be able to truly love him, the universe had made it known to him millions of times.

He ran to the elevator but it had been called on another floor.

"Merda!" He said frustrated and ran towards the emergency stairs.

You made your way through the crowd, concentrating on one thing: getting out of that place as quickly as you could. When you opened the door, a pouring rain greeted you, Sodo was inside the car, he smiled at you but that didn't last long when he saw your distressed appearance, he quickly got out and approached you, you were pale and cold the touch as if you had received a stab.

"Damn, what happened?" He covered you with her jacket as they ran to the car, opened the passenger door and watched you get in, when he closed the door the tears came harder.

“Let's go home,” your tone was clearly distressed and brittle.

"By Satan, what did you see, girl?" She asked, he had never seen you in such a sorry state, your aura was crazy and it disturbed him. Someone had caused you extreme harm, to the point of hurting your soul.

"Sodo, I saw everything had to see." your voice wavered and you gripped the head of the seat in front of you, your body writhing in spasms, similar to physical pain. "Damn it, just drive!"

Sodo remained silent, you had never yelled at him, not even when you were upset, nothing compared to your current state. He recognized and started the engine, if you had a seizure he didn't want it to happen in the car. Unlike when he took you to the place, now he was driving carefully, fast, but at least this time your head didn't hit the glass. When you arrived at the Ministry, he couldn't even open the door, you did it yourself and ran in, your tears mixing with the thick raindrops.

He wanted to go after you, make sure you were okay, but at the end of the day he was a demon and helping you shouldn't be any of his business. Somewhat annoyed, Sodo took the car to the garage.

You closed the door tightly behind you, you thought about going to your room and crying and suffering covered with your blanket, but if Copia arrived it would be the first place he would look for you, if he did, you wanted him to do it. Then you hid in your study, it was the same as when you left it. The moon illuminated the mannequin with the suit that you had made with so much love and care for Copia, you walked towards the mannequin and simply collapsed on the floor, dragging with you the canopy that you had embroidered, you pressed it against your chest without worrying if the needle would break embedded in you, you simply cried as if your limbs were torn off part by part, you screamed as if your soul was tortured in heaven, you begged to wake up from that bad dream.

Because that man, the man you saw kissing another woman, the man who had cheated on you, that couldn't be Copia. You couldn't have fallen so deeply in love with someone like that, no, you refused to believe it.

But at the same time the evidence was there, you had seen it yourself, your dignity mocked you, on the ground and totally destroyed by a man. The one you thought would be the love of your life.

You stood up, dizzy and catching your breath. Your tears had stained the palia, you threw it as if it burned your hands, you looked at the mannequin, as if Copia was in front of you, you couldn't handle that, your studio was full of photos together, the mirror, your laptop, shit in damn wallpaper on your phone, you pulled the papal suit off the mannequin and crumpled it in your hand, instinctively grabbing a pair of scissors and bringing them closer to the suit.

"Shit!" You stopped. Even with what he had done you couldn't help but worry about him, your heart was still touched by the memory of how excited you knew he would have been when he saw the suit…now that beautiful feeling made you sick and you denied it. this at all costs. You threw the scissors on the ground, you hated yourself because deep down you loved him, the wound was recent but you still couldn't, you didn't feel capable of harming the things he loved, just as he hurt you, who he always said he loved.

"I can't stand this…" more tears flowed down your face, you walked over to the desk and grabbed a piece of paper, you traced word after word "I can't stay here" You continued writing as you cradled the suit he would once wear against your chest. The now worst love of your life.

He came running to the Ministry, completely soaked, his makeup disgustingly smeared all over his face, scared and agitated.

He climbed the stairs as fast as he could, one after the other and opened the door to your room, empty. The room was as always.

"Fuck!" He slammed the door shut “Y/N!” scream with despair "Y/N! Where are you? I promise, please listen to me!" I beg loudly through the hallway. His eyes looked everywhere nervously in search of the slightest sign of your presence. Then he remembered your study, the place where you both hid when your responsibilities overwhelmed you and you wanted to relax.

You heard the desperate running of shoes in the hallway behind your door, a chill ran through you completely. It was him, you were sure. You felt like easy prey for a slasher. You signed on the paper and folded it clumsily, turning in time to watch your door open violently and him, breathing hard, still holding the door with his hand, water dripping onto the floor and the black from his eyes sliding down his face.

"Y/N" he mentioned, catching his breath.

In other circumstances, seeing him like this, you would rush to help him, look for a dry towel, clean clothes, tea and makeup remover, you still wanted to do that. But the pain of betrayal numbed that affection.

You took the letter and stood up and walked slowly, he seemed amazed to now be you the one to approach him, Copia expected anything, screams, hits, something that she knew she deserved but that never came. He hated herself for having hurt you that way, your eyes were swollen and redder than ever, were glassy and your lips trembled in a sad grimace.

You shoved the papal suit and the letter against his chest, some resentment in the action. Your face hardened and you passed him by, you really felt faint but you didn't want him to know that he had hurt you so much.

"What..?" Copia uttered to himself.

"It was for you, both things are for you" you said turning your back to him, taking short, weak steps far away from him.

He quickly looked at the bundle of fabric and found a beautiful papal suit, his favorite colors were there, the embroidery was half finished but it promised a lot.

"You made it for me?" He asked, he felt even more of an idiot now than before, you working late on a suit for him and him, being rubbish around others.

"It was going to be your gift for becoming Papa. Congratulations by the way." You said bitterly and quickened your pace.

Copia quickly walked behind you as he opened the letter, then he saw the huge title that said 'Resignation' his legs gave out in surprise and he fell to his knees to the ground. The noise scared you so you turned to see the scene.

"No no no!" He shouted as he crawled towards you, stumbling sometimes over the papal cloth out of desperation, his voice was a plea "Don't leave me, don't do it. For Satan's sake, don't leave me alone, no, no, no" you were surprised, you had never done that before.He took advantage of the fact that you were stunned and took your hands in his that were trembling and were cold, he let his forehead fall on your hands "Hit me. Do it, hit me! Scream at me, do whatever you want with me but don't leave me, don't go. …I love you! I love you…" he told you between scandalous cries, opening his arms ready to receive a blow.

For a second you thought, he would have deserved it, but you wouldn't, you couldn't, you could never hurt him, not even when he did it first.

"Copia-" he didn't let you continue.

"Punish me, humiliate me if that's what you want. Please do something! Hate me, torture me with your resentment for the rest of my life! But don't leave her, I beg you, I beg you… don't leave me" he bowed in a full bow, placing his lips on the toes of your dirty shoes.

You didn't expect to see him like that, for he to act like that, under that desperation.

"I ruined everything, I know! Let me fix it. I'm not like the men you hate, I'll change, I'll do what you tell me to go back to being like before…happy"

You stopped him there, you couldn't see him humiliating himself before you like that, no matter how much he deserved it. You knew your heart, you would never be happy like before, because it doesn't matter if you fix a broken mirror, every time you look at your reflection you will see that the wounds are still there.

"Enough…" He can't hear you "Copia stop!" You shouted, grabbing and lifting his face with your hands. "Nothing will ever be the same again." You made it clear "You broke my heart! You cheated on me with every girl you ever crossed paths with, why?" you reproached him.

"I don't know…" huge tears fell from his cheeks, you hated seeing him cry but he deserved it.

"You don't know? I do know," you pushed him with your index finger. "Because you wanted to feel powerful, right? Like Secondo or Terzo. You ascend and then one woman wasn't enough for you."

"I… I'm sorry…" he murmured in a low voice before breaking down into more tears and clung to your torso "I change, I swear…"

"I don't believe you. That's the problem… I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE" you took a step back, hugging yourself, you couldn't give in, although her touch and attitude made you doubt, the decision was made. "You're a fucking liar! Just like everyone else! An idiot, I'm not going to forgive you, I never would, you took my heart and my love for you and used it to enhance your stupid ego. Just like Terzo, Secondo and Primo. Just like Your father, you are just like him… A DAMN TRAITOR" Your words pierced him like daggers, wounding him to death, he remembered how his mother (Sister Imperator) cried every night next to his bed for his father. He had sworn never to be like that and now… he had hurt the woman he loved, the only person who had looked at him with pure love, knew that you were not like his mother, you would not stay.

"No…please…Y/N…please…" his voice was broken and you couldn't do anything but cry, he begged you, crawling close to you but you walked away as if it were a dog. "Forgive me."

"No, Copia I can't anymore…" you told him and you started crying again, you wanted to hug him, stay and just forget. But your heart would never do it. Someone would love him more than you, make him smile more than you and he would be the perfect man, but that was not your place. Not when he had ripped out your heart and trampled on your trust. "I'll leave tomorrow…Goodbye Copia"

"No no! I beg you…"you just couldn't stand it and you started running, away from him you heard his screams, his pleas for you to come back, his heartbreaking cries and what he called for you, broken.

He was alone in the hallway, clinging to the last thing he had from you, a suit and a letter. A photo slipped out of it that he had not seen when he opened it and seeing it destroyed him even more. It was when he was a Cardinal, with a rat on his shoulder and you giving him a kiss on his cheek, you had written some words back then.

'First photo with the love of my life. I love you C' and the date two years before, when the beautiful story had begun.

He pressed her against her chest until she wrinkled and covered her with tears. "I love you…"

...The End...

I hope you liked it, especially you, girl who requested it. I think it's obvious that the drama got out of hand, mercy please. This is my first time fulfilling a request.

#sodomizer ghoul #the band ghost #sodo ghoul #copia #cardinal copia #papa emeritus iv #copia x reader #ghost copia #ghost band #dewdrop ghost #copia emeritus #papa copia #angst #sad things #cry #copia ANGST #just pain #no happy endings

47 notes · View notes