I'm so drunk.
Tuesday, May 26th of 2020.
A long emotional night that I dont feel like explaining right now. But, worst place mentally I've been in since last year.
Due to the long emotional night that I can't write about..... Checked my ex's twitter at like 2am last night.
Saw his shitty sadboy memes the night I left him on Valentines Day. It doesn't make me feel any less bad abut things. Maybe just slightly worse. There's a somber yet humorous melancholy about, "Minutes after you left your ex boyfriend's porch, to finalize the ending of your relationship where he couldn't decide how much he liked you or not, he posted a goth e-girl version of the super classic pepe crying meme."
Ih my hod my head hurts
Jesus. Lawd. I managed to live until the next morning, but sobbing so hard it felt my lungs were going to cave in has resulted in my eyes being so tight and plushy and sore that I can hardly see my phone even a foot away from my face st the moment.
Autocorrect and water are two blessed things to have, god bless and amen.
So, continuing from there:
Saw the annoying angst posts my ex had made the night and the day after when I left him.
Found out he then went to some event the next day, made out with a man with strawberry lipgloss, and then slept drunk in his car. (I'm not even super shocked, the dude that's blatantly told me he'd give sucking a dick, male or woman, a try was expeeeected to be the type. A little funny that he tweeted about it like "im either that drunk or gay"....... I'm surprised it took him this long to realize he was gay, but hey, either way, shoutout to Patrick for kissing a man.)
Saw the meme angst tweets made directly after that fight we had like four days later..... I'll still forever be pissed off at him for the way he did that.
At least the memes were funny
The walls are still spinning and I'm laying down...... jesus christ.
Phew, i feel really not great..... It makes sense to not feel great when you spend a solid 3 hours straight yell crying alone to yourself, half naked in your bedsheets ready to die, but yknow.... Still.
It just feels worse, since this time, it was all I could think about doing.
Just killing myself. Him. Myself. Him.
He would've deserved it. Bu I would've felt such guilt from it, that picturing myself killing myself immediately after seemed like the next possible step.
Itts snnoying to feel that way about a person. Anyone else I probably wouldnt give a fuck about.
And this is someone ive been trying to duck these thoughts of for so fucking long. Painfully long.
And there I was, last night. I'm a lightweight, so chugging a quarter of one of my tallest bottles of rose and then going for the remainder of a second is...... Already probably too much wine for the average person, but like..... for my teeny ass? I ate nothing but hummus and mandarin oranges before it, so, take that as you will.
I had the knife and everything. I just kept picturing it. Killing him. Killing me. Stabbing myself in the chest, or the neck, or the gut a few times. Slitting my throat with one swift motion and dying on the floor. Bleeding out. Leaving thie planet behind.
Or, killing him. All the terrible thoughts I had about him for monthe kept on flooding back. How he doesnt miss me whatsoever, and how no one would care or even notice if I was gone. How i have potential that would be wasted. But not caring to see it.
You know its serious, when the girl who's sole reason in life is to connect with others through her art and writing is finally chugging bottles of wine and laying in bed with a knife, crying ridiculously hard and so loud that one might think she would have her lungs give out, or just maybe, her parents would finally leave their bedroom to ask her how she's doing.
For the first one, I'm surprised I'm still here. My bedroom is bright and full of sunshine and a bright light glow, and eerie to look at. It's as if I did kill myself, and now heaven is like the intro to The Heathers.
I think I'm gonna vomit. Its rising in my throat.....
I don't know how to fully explain the situation.
But it's just....
Oh, look. The girl that asked for a small talk that would have more benefit for both people than negativity, who specifically said she didn't want to end things on such a bad note that she ends up having her head replay the most horrible memories on loop over and over, triggering her IBS, stomach pains, insomnia, and panic attacks, or to have the situation dramatically worsen or drag out unresolved pain for months on end..... meant it.
He was such a cunt the night we fought. My head throbs at even remembering how bad it got last night.
What a genius, that idiot was. "My girlfriend is prone to blacking out due to high stress, and I don't want her stress to manifest into something terrible.... Guess I better choose the worst possible option, huh?"
My heart is beating ridiculously hard and fast right now. It's God reminding me that I'm still alive, but, to go easy on myself. Surviving intentional alcohol poisoning and a night of a knife struggle, then dying of a heart attack would be really terrible.
Well, I have some memories of things I did, or said, but not entirely all of them.
I basically realized I was knocking ridiculously close to death's door, from the way my vision kept going from normal to aggressively darkening and going in and out. The thoughts were getting worse, my screams and cries were going unanswered.
So, I called people. Whoever I felt was a good person to me during a bad moment, who I at least wanted to thank for being kind, before I ended up slitting my wrists or whatever. (Hospital way, since sadly I learned how that works.)
I forget who all I called...........
I recall posting to Instagram a few things. Deterrents. Since I hate the idea of harming someone, even if I feel like they deserve it, and want to deterr it at all costs. So usually something that has evidence helps.
And if I go ahead and do it, then, at least my good friends would know the reasoning behind my death, suicide, or eventual homicide.
Since fuck it.
And something on my main, but I don't remember. Just videos of me aggressively chugging alcohol and full on sobbing and or demanding mutuals reach out to my ex boyfriend, due to the severity of things.
And yes, that's when the situation goes from "just gossip", to "oh look, tamia is going to kill herself and another human being."
But then I started to panic at what others would say, and hence, Instagram is now disabled for me. Not sure I wanna open it back up. It could have tons of messages asking about my safety and health. It could have tons of viewers and absolutely no responses.... I can't tell which is scarier. If people said anything, or if they had said.... nothing.
One means people care. Or at the bare minimum, someone cursing me out.
The other would confirm a fear. And that would fuck me up....
I can't even picture how I'd react to that. I haven't even felt well whenever I post a photo or put something on my story just for no one to watch it, or bother.
So if I can get painfully hopeless at feeling unwatched and uncared for by others in life, I don't think having all my worst fears confirmed after surprisingly not killing myself (after a lot of effort to avoid that route) would just lead to severe problems.
9:49am. I also have to shit, if anyone was wondering. I forget wine does that to people.... what a claaaaassy beverage.
Agh. Shit. Anyways.
I called up anyone I felt like bothering on my contacts list.
Patrick #1, the first love - I loved him. Probably because he was the first man to actually do what he said, meant what he said, and showed me how he felt. I informed him of this, and how he was the first guy ever to treat me that way. And I thanked him for being amazing, and how I will always appreciate him for doing that.
Juan Carlos - some guy I had a crush on in high school. I thought he was cute, and he was nice to me in comparison to a lot of the other douchebags who hated me because I was perceived as being weird, my skin color, dated their shitty asshole friend, or whatever. I just recall thanking him for not being a huge piece of shit, and for being really chill and kind to me when no one else had back then. (I also recall mentioning the context of why shit was fucked back then, due to the rapist first ex stalking me, then a 2nd one I was forced to be around every day.... it was a ridiculously tough time for me.) And just thanking him one more time, before adding, "Also, you have really shiny hair. Like really really shiny hair, be proud of it". I imagine that if not for the context it was in of a girl complimenting an old crush before she may or may not slit her wrists or shank her ex, it wouldve been hysterical to hear a girl cry, but then find it so important to mention their hair is shiny.... Drunkness, lmfaooooo.
Leo - a guy I worked with on a film set last September, around the same time I met my most recent ex. But with this guy.... he had picked up.
I guess Leo was drunk at 4:30am for whatever reason too, we got to talking. He could tell from the way I was sobbing, and my blatant "imreallysorryiwasabouttodosomethingreallybadtonight" wheezing with tears, that a conversation was what I needed.
He is a good guy.
Sure, the part of the conversation where he then tried to steer it towards Sexual Twenty Questions was pretty gross, but whatever, drunk 35 year old man flirting with the local hot and suicidal 19 year old who is also drunk and pushing his luck with impromptu "do you like anal??? Do you like older men???", questions, is overlooked, since he overall managed to let me talk about my problems long enough where it downgraded from "im 100% going to take my own life and hes coming with me or hes not", to "i just cant believe he broke my heart like that, and that i just don't remotely matter to him anymore, with no explanation of why. I trusted him so much and this made me feel betrayed in a way i havent felt for a really really long time....)
[The vibe from last night peaked past the "Zack" incident, where I can't recall between the Summer of 2018 to Summer of 2019, outside of my concussion, and a few moments with that one prick who assaulted me in the past.]
10:05am. I need to puke, shit, and cry.
He talked me down some. Basically tried the "this happens to everyone, trust me that you're not alone for this".... That didn't work. But, he at least had the spirit. Continued on by asking me of my goals, and reminding me of beautiful ways to cope, and whatnot.
Here's a song that I thought of when I woke up.
I don't know how to feel at the moment.
Patrick didn't respond. But that dumbass probably never checks his voicemails anyway these days, so whatever. Better not to dwell, i suppose.
Juan Carlos almost instantly listened to the voicemail. Told me he remembered me. Was opening to extending his friendship to me.... really sweet. I'll probably call him later to check in. I feel bad for scaring him, but I mean.... I shouldn't feel bad. It should be a good feeling if others prefer not to have me dead.
And Leo wants to meet up, when the pandemic is all said and done.
Very sweet people. :)
The walls still feel like they're spinning, and I may vomit at any moment.......
What would I do if Patrick #2 didn't respond to my instagram? Move on in life? Raise hell? Forgive him?
I don't know.
I'll just have to promise myself that before I do anything bad, I reach out to a friend who I trust can listen to me vent first.
Thanks for the good advice, Leo.
(Oh my god, it feels like my stomach lining is going to burn its way outside of me.)
I don't know how to feel.
That wasn't how any of this was supposed to go down.
10:14am. Time to piss, shit, and see if anyone bothered.
If no one does, who cares? Please do not kill yourself. Just remove them from your life if they're going to be that stagnant.
I have a worth outside of the perception of others, and its the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Gonna go release my stomach contents into the nearest receptacle and pray that the pain ends soon enough.
God bless and amen to that. Hope everyone is okay today. Peace out loves.
i somehow think i unfollowed you and follow you back which i completely did not mean to do! but i have a couple asks - 1. when/why did you start shipping jess/delia? do you have any kin memories of delia? if you could see jessie and delia being together, would it be in some sort of au, and could you tell us a little bit about how it would happen? 2. what's your favorite ash/citron scene/episode? any fic recs for them? 3. tell about cheeseburger's personality, quirks, and likes/dislikes
omg thats ok it happens!!
when/why did you start shipping jess/delia?
i loved her in a past life, so i was p much born shipping them. but i didn’t really become sentient of those feelings until like... sometime last year? it’s honestly such a blur to me but it started the way most of my Kin Ships start--with a sudden, random hyperfixation on the character and then a thought of “oh. what were they to me?” and then the slow climb as bits and pieces come back.
sorry thats not an entertaining story, just spiritual bullshit! pff. when i ship a kintype with another character, it’s pretty much always because they were a person who was irremovable from my personal narrative.
in delia’s case, she taught jessie a couple truths:
1. not all women are competition who exist to Eat Your Heart,
2. there is strength in softness and vulnerability, and people who will hear your demons without pitying you
3. you can exist on your own, without someone needing to ~complete you~ romantically in order to be happy and
4. maternal love is real and not just something you read about in fairytales and hope for in your own life.
do you have any kin memories of delia?
only dreamlike flashes of time together. the most vivid thing i remember is going in DTE. you’ll see it eventually, i promise. it’s nothing big, just a very important bit of dialogue.
if you could see jessie and delia being together, would it be in some sort of au, and could you tell us a little bit about how it would happen?
i’m not creative enough to write a whole au sadly pff. the thing keeping jessie and delia apart is delia’s disinterest in romance--she doesn’t love her baby daddy but rejects any and all proposals from men who try to ask her out. i interpret this as, she’s perfectly happy being a single mom and doesn’t want or need anything beyond that.
another easy interpretation is that she’s just like, a huge lesbian, tho? outfit checks out:
that’s not a straight woman. short sleeve flannel? rockin those futch looks. thats a world where they could totally end up together if jessie ends up reformed or on a different path. it would really only take a slight tweak to the DTE narrative, haha.
what's your favorite ash/citron scene/episode?
their gym battle is actually my favourite battle in the whole of xy! and probably my second favourite battle in the whole series.
i dont have any fic recs because im too scared to venture into fic territory for the pokeani kids ^^; even when im not looking for Gross stuff, i end up finding it, and i just dont have the emotional capacity to sift thru it.
tell about cheeseburger's personality, quirks, and likes/dislikes
THIS IS SO GOOD. oh my god.
cheeseburger is a pretty simple boy! he’s real fat but his fat is dispersed super funny, it all goes to his cheeks. so hes got a big fat face and a pretty average bulky torso. when he was a baby we thought he might be disabled in some way because his eyes were like, terrifyingly big for his face, but he grew into them and seems pretty typical now.
he’s very talkative, but i think that says more about me than him, since cats meow in mimicry of their colonymates. when he meows its VERY loudly and kind of discordant, as if the meow has bits of it missing. its never “meooow” its like “mrgaghagh!!!” which sounds distressing but thats just how he talks. his meows sound more like shouts or like hes trying to say words. he meows whenever! not just when he wants something. he meows whenever he sees me to say hello! he meows whenever i sneeze to say bless u. he just meowed right now, i think because i shifted in my computer chair a little and it made a sound and he wanted to ask me what the sound was. if i call his name in a very specific voice he will always meow back. if he’s napping and i do this voice he will always wake up and meow at me without fail. again, i talk to myself & to animals a lot, so i think this has more to do with me.
he’s so talkative that he makes other cats talkative! we have another cat named dianne and she is very introverted and anxious, and her and cheeseburger were pretty distant for a few years, but they became friends this recent year and dianne started talking CONSTANTLY. he really helped her come out of her shell. she does a lot of things now that were things she only coulda learned from him.
cheeseburger knows where my window is, so when he wants inside, he goes under it and meows so that ill go around back and let him in! he follows me out to the kitchen when i cook or do the dishes and sits on the chair in there and watches me. he has a very strong need to be with me all the time. theres nowhere around the downstairs computer where he can comfortably sleep, so if hes tired but im on the computer, a lot of the time he’ll jump up on the desk and fall asleep standing up just so he can be close to me.
he forgets to close his mouth when he purrs sometimes and makes this ugly snorting noise. he has little black freckles on his nose! i love him a lot. he’s loud and stupid and loves me. my sister has affectionately referred to him as “orange wobbuffet” more than once.