When I was young I used to think I'll do something huge like saving the world some day. A pandemic and collapsing economies later I am desperately trying to just save whatever shred of myself I am left with.
i listened to a podcast where wil wheaton the dnd guy talked about his chemical wellbeing. at some point he said something like, “i know my children—JUST THEM EXISTING!! is good enough for me! and my dad will never get those experiences with me, and it’s completely his loss.”
and my mom just never got to that experience with me, and it’s completely her loss. all the brilliance that is me, she will never get to say she experienced it.
there are people, where, just me existing is good enough. and i don’t have to look back.
I can’t stop asking questions, even though I know no answer will come.
Your silence is very consistent and all too ironic - where was this consistency in your love?
Oops, stupid me, like always there I go letting my emotions make assumptions for yours,
It was no love - just relieve, convenience and entertainment.
I would never mind being your solace,
Helping you through things that were too hard for you to bear alone.
But you saw me as a child, ironic again for you didn’t see me as one when you wanted me in your bed.
Your inconsistencies I won’t blame on myself, however the failure to recognize them, yes, it stings me.
‘Life is too short to be little’, they say
Better despise and then forget, they say
Forgetting would mean forgiving, they taught me
And we both know all too well, if I forgave you, I’d come right back when your lying mouth says, ‘I love you’.
So, no, I can’t forgive and I can’t forget,
Let them think of me as stupid or weak,
Pathetic and even pretty.
But this time I know - When shit gets real, only I will be there to save myself.
So, I will protect myself the way I see best even if it laces my existence in sadness.
Theres a part of me who is still fighting and hasn’t given up on me, who tells me that I AM WORTH IT and shouldn’t indulge in self destructive activities and habits and honestly I’m gonna continue living for that little me
These last few months have been hard. It was a few of my friends' birthdays, two of my friends were in inpatient, I had an almost s**c*d* attempt. I got more ear piercings. I started dating a girl and then we broke up and then we got back together. I stared texting my ex-best friend who I almost dated. I self harmed for the first time. I wore pajama pants to school. I had a sleepover and it went okay. I kissed a girl. I rediscovered Scooby-Doo.
A lot of shitty stuff happened, but there's some good stuff in there, too.
The other thing that happened was that I started shoplifting.
The very first thing I lifted was a constellation ring from the mall. That day, I lifted about eighty dollars worth of stuff. Thongs and bras and shirts and jewelry.
I made myself a promise: only corperations; big companies. I broke that promise.
I lifted crystals and some earrings and a bunch of stickers from small businesses. I felt... Really shitty.
I stole a cookie and a chapstick from thr store by my school, and one day during lunch I stole makeup and a bra.
Yesterday I went shopping with my best friend and stole a whole fucking dress and jewelry I'll never wear. I almost stole a pair of shoes but the alarm went off so I set them down and kept walking.
That shook me, and I did a heck ton of research on lifting. I learned how different types of security precautions work. I learned what stores had cameras that were watching. And I tunneled.
But the next day, today, I went shopping again. I wasn't even planning on it, but I did... And I stole stuff. Of course.
At this point, I've stolen about three hundred and fifty dollars worth of stuff. That's more money than I get for Christmas and my birthday.
I'm supposed to go shopping with my friend tomorrow. I'm going to wear a hoodie with no pockets and a tiny purse so I CAN'T steal stuff easily. I don't know if I'll succeed, but I'm going to try not to. We might just stay for half an hour, unless I'm feeling okay with shopping for longer. If I do, I'm going to look for boots. To buy! I'm going to buy them. I feel really, really proud that I have that plan.
I tried to talk to my friends today, and I just... I felt so lost. I was so sad for so long and then all of a sudden, I could have FREE stuff? It hooked me. And they didn't get that.
But... I don't want to fuck up my future. There's so many things I want to do and if I make mistakes now.... I could get in the way of future me's happiness and wellbeing.
I want to get a job and save my money and visit my best friend in Germany and travel around Europe.
I want to grow my hair out and then get an undercut.
I want to wear high heels. Even though I'm tall.
I want to get a tattoo sleeve.
I want to get a two kittens and name them Spaghetti and Florence.
I want to be a maid of honor at a wedding.
I want to have my own wedding.
I want to go to college and study to be a nurse, or even a doctor.
I want to adopt children.
There are so many things I want to do. Right now, looking into the future feels a bit overwhelming. I'm going to focus on getting some sleep, and tomorrow, I'm going to focus on something. Maybe how I wish my bedroom could look or all he hairstyles I ever want to try or names for cats. I'm going to be okay. I may lift tomorrow. I may always have the urge to lift. But I'm going to fight for my future.