#saying anything or saying nothing. i dont knkw what to do. i dont even know why in posting this.

[james-melody]

Rant: feel free to ignore if you don't wanna see because I understand some people won't wanna. Im just ranting here because sometimes venting is good and I don't like to disturb individual people about things when theyre clearly dealing with much much worse :D. Okay disclaimer out of the way

I'm just feeling so miserable right now. And by right now I guess I mean for the past week or 2 straight. Maybe it started even bolefote then? I'm not sure but I'm fuckijg miserable

I have an incoherent mess of thoughts so I don't know where to start. I dont feel like im living. I just feel like i exist and the only reason I exist is because I havent stopped existing yet. Thats where my mind is at at the moment. I think i spend 70% of my time awake feeling miserable and existential now. Ill wake up feeling fresh and then i start thinking and feel as my existence shrinks back into its depressed state

My mind is constantly dominated by existential dread. I think of how time is so limited and one day I'll die and there'll be nothing. I dont knkw what happens after that and its inevitable and thats terrifying. I have one shot at a life that is destined to end and that scares me shitless. Someone will talk about the past and i immediately think that people born in those times are aging closer to death and soon im gonna be that close.

Everything feels the same now. I just wake up at 6:30 feeling miserable until like 10AM and then by the time evening arrives im back to the same depressed state again. I sleep, wake up and do it again, every day feeling the same waste of time stepping towards the day I die and im exhausted of it.

I dont have any time to truly relax because I work 8-4 and then constantly have the copious amounts of college work for the summer, a short film, friends want to hang out, private projects I want to do but preoccupied, a relationship to uphold which I constantly feel as though I'm neglecting too much and just the dread of the future. Going hack to college, the hell hole which stresses and emotionally breaks me ehich is bound to be worse when I return due to the amount of work, stress, pressure and resurfacing of personal dramas which STILL affect me and im not ready to deal woth again. The future after that and the pressure of being an adult and making careers out of my failing college life and anything else future related.

I've stopped caring for basic things such as hygiene in brushing teeth, showering etc and have no regards for my eating constantly seeking out comfort foods until I feel sick which i inevitably feel bad about later.

I feel like im going through teen angst later than I was supposed to because I had a pretty easy high school and now I just feel snappy and angsty all the time. I find myself becoming more and more angry with the world whether the be political issues or the education system because im a lazy and incompetent student or getting angry at things or people like swearing at my hair because its knotty or, even worse, snapping and getting upset and mad at my mum or feeling the urge to be a complete asshole to my boyfriend who deserves nothing but love, attention and affection.

I find moments of escapism which help for a bit but that just all in all takes away from any time doing something productive or spending time with my boyfriend or friends who are all just disappointed and upset woth me because I come across as neglectful which I'm not doing on purpose.

The other night I was close to crying because of how drained I felt from doing nothing but go to work and stress about college work and noticed that I felt that way for the past nearly week at that point

I also wanna say that I do have days that are better than others such as the other week when I went to see the Gig with my BF. That was genuinely the first day in a long time where I didnt feel down but despite that, the very next day I was back to feeling miserable again

I know now im gonna wake up in 6 hours feeling miserble, go to work, constantly feel bad about neglecting or accidentally hurting or upsetting people im close to filled with existential dread only to get home, not do work, not do anything productive because I try to make myself feel better which works momentarily but then by the time eventing Hits it'll be back to square one because that's how it always is

It never stops being like that

This is just the miserable cycle my forgettable existance has become

I wanna vent about it without directly bringing individuals into it to not leech off of people or have them stop opening up to me because all of a sudden I need a little help because that just makes me feel worse so I thought tumblr will do i guess. Idk. I've just had this boiling up for ao long and could still go on but I have to sleep for work tomorow

If you read this far then you're a maniac

[wanderedtoomuch]

March 23, 2017 : Help

Tell me if im overthinking things or just overeacting.. Its just… what is it when you end up questioning everything.. you lose that will to do things.. motivation. When you end up feeling numb even when you know you’re in panic but everything is just ‘oh screw this’ but at the same time you want to do things but its just doesnt end up right. Like earlier walking behind you guys things like “ they’re going to graduate and im going to be delayed” 'i wouldnt be able to cope up’.. And as much as i should make this as motivation on doing well on things.. i end up lying on my bed typing all this as tears blurr out my vision and that numbing feeling becomes painful to my mind.. You know for yourself you shouldnt think that. You shouldnt put yourself in those situations when you know how things end up wjen you start thinking that.. but keeping it all in and trying to act like nothing just puts it to worse situations.. i dont want to say im depressed.  You guys might say this is all just drama and sht.. and as much as i dont want to open this up to anyone at all.. i just cant anymore I’m fucking mentally disturbed. Its sounds stupid and i’ll probably end up regretting typing all this but i dont know anymore.. i cant put myself together.. i cant focus. I cant do things the right way and as much as i tried hard to fix this heavy weight in my chest that drags down everything from my mind to that inner being you end up creating that somehow whispers you’re going to fail in life and overthinking things that ends with anxiety… I cant keep it in anymore.. my head feels so fcking heavy.. and i want to quit life.. i dont want to lie on not thinking suicide coz at some point i did but somehow im still rational and i know i shouldnt and so far.. i know i wouldnt.. but i cant find meaning to doing all this things. Im mentally disturbed to a point i cant evevn cope up with dealing with myself.. i dont know what im doing I want to finish architecture. I want to be with you guys as we march down with our sablays and all. I want to make my parents proud. I want to be able to tell myself i survived UP. But all this for what? For show? For people to say 'she’s doing great’'shes going to have a bright future’.. follow the norm in the road to living a life as dictated by society.. but in the end none of that matters? Coz now you feel shitty but everythig will be alright. Dont overthink things. Everyone’s dealig with their demons as you are doing so yourself.. but why.. Im mentally disturbed to a point that i feel like im acting bipolar lately.. you see me all happy amd annoying like my usual self.. but this other shtty side of me who ends up being so quiet and “you on your period”(as you guys would say it) type of mood.. when im not.. then when reality hits me in split seconds or minutes im back to all loud talkative annoying me.. Im mentally disturbed to a point that i knkw im having a fucking hard time and everytime i try to ask help i end up putting myself down and telling myself.. you’re just a disturbance. Why cant you just do it on your on.. thats why i dont ask you guys for help when im already deep down the shit hole i dug myself in to. Im mentally disturbed to a point i’m expecting things even tho i know for myself it wouldnt end up that way coz i somehow also put it in that situation. I end up putting myself in scenarios i know would plunge me down.. Im so mentally disturbed that im writing all this instead of stusying because i waited an hour and 30 mins in csm but my prof didnt show up so i ended up attending the program when i should be studying.. im so mentally disturbed that i couldnt ask you guys if you had plans on going home already because another side of me is saying you’ll ruin the fun and you also want to just enjoy that moment. Another is that you know for yourself that even when you go back early you wouldnt end up doing anything coz thats how mentally disturbed you are that you end up sleeping than dealing wih the complications you created. I know this is too much to read and that this may be all bullshit.. That you might not give a damn about anything im typing but… im saying all this because i dont know anymore.. i cant cope up.. i cant.. everything is too much.. And as i lie here drenched in tears.. trying to muffle the sound of me breaking down.. i cant help but think.. will all of this change when i’m not around?

[nonopenopenono]

fuck you i had the worst day ive had in a while and you had already been treating the biggest part so lightly. oh sorry youre putting down a cat you had for sixteen years of your life. what do you wantt for dinner? like you always just blew over it like it was nothing and then i tell you i have two exams, work, and putting whiskers down so clearly an awful day and i kinda was hoping youd be home waiting for me to hug me. nope. youre being super distant. and i find out more bad stuff over the night and demon ran away so ive been crying all day and so stressed i dont want to exist. i ask you to come to bed with me and you dont feel like stopping your laundry. ok. you tell me your great grandma died and i am so so sorry about that. i dont knkw how to help and i didnt know what to say or do and that added to my stress too so i broke down crying. you walked in on me crying on the bathroom ffloor surrounded by tissues and you even point out that im cryingg by saying demons licking up the tears. and yOU LEAVE. YOU WALK OUT. THATS IT. you came back in twice and each time i thought maybe hes not being an asshole maybe he will come and be here for me now he just had to finish something. NOPE. its fine. ive been busting my ass for you so mych lately and cooking you homemade meals and walking the dogs at moments you should be and i shouldnt bc it makes me late to school or work but i do it for you. and i make extra efforts to make sure youre okay everyday and see how your day was. but im not really getting much in return right now am i? i dont want anything in return other than that when i need a hug or someone to help me because ive had an awful day, just fucking be there for me.

[dassaddoggod]

The message I didn't sent to my friend

GOD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS TIRED OF ME AND I CANT DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT. LIKE I CAN LITERALLY HEAR EVERYONE BECOMING BORED OF ME AND WHEN I TRY TO FIX IT ONYL SHITTY JOKES COME OUT. EVERYONE WENT TO THE VS SALE W/O ME AND OBVIOUSLY IM GOING TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY WHEN YOU(not you I'm just talking rhetorical) SOUND UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN I BRING IT UP. LIKE FUCK WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO. NO WHERE IS HIRING ME AND I NEED DISTRACTION. I LITERALLY CRIED SO HARD LAST NIGHT THAT I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO THROW UP. EVERYTHING IS SHIT. I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS TIRED OF ME. [added after I took out of message box] GOD AND I FEEL LIKE MY MOM DOESNT LIKE ME. I WAS NEVER ABLE TO MAKE MY DAD FEEL GENUINELY HAPPY. LIKE FUCK DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO GROW UP HEARING YOUR DAD ALWAYS TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIS LIFE WHENEVER HE SEES YOU AND YOU TRY TO MAKE HIM HAPPY BY DOING HIS HOBBYS W HIM AND HELPING HIM W PROJECTS AND HE STILL COMES BACK AND CONTINUES TO TALK SHIT LIKE YOU NEVER DID ANYTHJNG. LIKE HE HAS NEVER HAD A GOOD EXPERIENCE. LIKE HIS LIFE IS A LITERAL HELL. THEN THEN WHEN YOU TRY TO GIVE HIM ADVICE OR TRY TO TELL HIM TO THINK MORE POSITIVELY AND ABOUT THE GOOD THINGS AND THAT EVERYONE STILL LOVES HIM AND HE TURNS AROUND AND LISTS ALL THE BAD THINGS AGAIN MORE AGGRESSIVELY AS A WAY TO SAY "SEE I HAVE A REASON TO HATE MY FUCKING LIFE" AND THEN SAYS EVERY TIME MY FEET TOUCH THE FLOOR I HAVE SINNED. LIKE FUCK IM OVER HERE TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND MORE POSITIVE AND YOURE OVER THERE SAYING THAT YOU EVEN BEING ALIVE IS UNGODLY. ITS LIKE A STAB IN THE FUCKING GUT. LIKE MY ACTIONS WILL NEVER HELP ANOTHER PERSON. LIKE I AM NOTHING. AND HE ONLY DOES THIS W ME AND HE ALWAYS SOUNDS HAPPIER WHEN HE IS TALKING TO EVERYONE ELSE. AND WHEN I GIVE UP HE SAYS THINGS TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD LIKE "no one ever listens to me" LIKE BITCH WHEN DO I FUCKING NOT LISTEN TO YOU. I AM NO ONE??? Or or HE JUST STARTS GOING ON AND ON ABOUT THE STUFF UNTIL IT GETS TO ABOUT ME AND HOW I DONT CARE ABOUT HIM LIKE HIS OTHER KIDS. LIKE FIRST OF ALL HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT KATIE. SHE SPENDS TIME W YOU AND TALKS TO YOU AND YOU VISIT HER AND JUST because THAT ISNT FUCKING 24/7 IT DOESNT MEAN THAT SHE DOESNT CARE IT MEANS THAT SHE HAS WORK THAT SHE HAS OTHER THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF FOR HERSELF. SECONDLY FUCKING HELLO???? I ALWAYS DEFEND YOU AND I ALWAYS LISTEN (even tho it fucking kills me to here all the negativity) AND I CALL YOU BACK 99.9% TIME(I'm not perfect). AND YOU MEVER DEFENDED ME. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE FOR ME. I DONT EVEN KNKW HOW TALK TO YOU ABOUT MYSELF because I AM SO USED TO YOU TALKING. LIKE HONESTLY I AM SO USED TO YOU TALKING CRAP ABOUT MOM THAT WHEN YOU DONT EVERHTHKNG FEELS WRONG. LIKE WTF. I CANT DO THIS TO MYSELF ANYMORE. THIS IS KILLING ME. BUT ITS LIKE I HAVE TO CONTINUE TO LET THIS KILL ME because IF I DONT YOULL EXPLODE AND YOULL SAY NONE OF YOUR KIDS TALK TO YOU *STILL* AND FUCKING FORGET AND DISREGARD KATIE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.