#saying well ive been sexually assaulted and the way youre handling this is fucking disgusting youre disgusting and also youre crazy people

[upuptowonderland]

Open letter of pure emotion and feelings that are trapped, and i cant express when in a negative mind frame.

I have never in my life lied about anything that is truly traumatic. Yeah, duh, I've lied before, I'm only human. I wouldny lie about things that are serious horrible events.

But, I recently have run into a non concent issue, and fealt violated. No details needed, but i will speak about my feelings towards this situation bc my feelings are fucking valid, and I haven't felt this bad for a while.

Dear whoever i even have left in my life anymore.

I have lost someone who I absolutely love very much. That I was starting to build a life with. But...they left me for believing that; I "cheated" on them, and intentionally tore them apart fully out of spite and "revenge". WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE TRUTH.

To sum up the most difficult and fucked up disagreement we had;

I owned up to my wrongs. Yes, I wasn't the grestest person for communicating and going out of my way to hang out with a guy you werent quite comfortable with. But, he truly was only a friend of mine. A persom who has a big part in my life, and kind of lingers in my life forever.if i like it or not.

I sat there...looking you in your beautiful eyes, and agreed to your statement only to an extent, not cheating but not being the best me.i. couldve. I watched your heart crack, and that's when the flames were thrown. And you were jusy...so so torm and full of rage that i could barley get a sentence in. And due to my panic attack i could barley breath and speak.

I was trying to just tell you that i was forced into doing a sexual act AFTER I DID NOT GIVE CONCENT. But all i was thinking, and could say is im sorry. The thingd you said made me ALMOST believe that being a victim, in a non concent SEXUAL act was cheating. IT'S NOT. kept saying harsh ztuff.it just made my mind questuon mydelf on "was being assulted chesting? Im a piece of zhit. Im the reason vor it. I guess.i shoupdbe been a better person amd not have been ghere, it wouldnt have happened". You made me.feel a hesvy amount of.guily that i didnt deserve to feel.

You didn't know how it reslly happened, the only thing you were set on knowing, is that i "cheated" on you.

I didn't mention the assault until 2 weeks after it happened. My reasoning? I was terrified. But unsure of how to handle the situation. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and convinced myself he didnt meam to do what he did to me, bc he was under ghe influence. I faked a smile every dsy after that. You onow? It's very difficult to get away from someone that is a friend of your number 1 HOMIES. So hes over every day, and i acted like things were.okay, didnt tell anyone. Reasonsings for not telling snyone also, i truly believed that i would get hurt. And that me telling everyone, would just create moxed emotions amd i beliebed id get acused as a liar, not tsken seriously, and my friendship pushed aside for a scumbag.

I FINALLY TOLD YOU THO! I FINALLY.TOLD YOU THAT I DIDNT CONCNET. I TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED. NO! I didnt tell you this to in anyway try and make you comenback into my life. I TOLD YOU because i thought you'd love me.enough to understand the pretty traumatic incident i went through. But no....i was wrong....you say im a whore...and.that its something that I "LEAD" on. Yelled st me for not doing something about it. While feelomg so helpless amd disgusting amd frightened?

Then started to give a notice of like...wow, it happened so horribly and i ghess.i was.being extra without knowing every detail. THAT'S NOTNIT THO! YOU then proceeded to tell me you cant beliebe me not that in lying, but couldnt trust my story fully becsuse im an aparent "manipulato" , and still told me that if were mesnt to be, well see eachother agaim when its time.

Every ounce of my happiness drained from my body. When you had the roommate, kick me out, and have the WHOLE house againdt me. When they truly have no clue what happened to me. But as always, like a woman, i got up and fucking left. Lol, THE AFTERMATH? OF ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER DO TO THE ONE I LOVE. you ready gor it? I'm homeless again, in the winter. Lets see, i lost ghe fu king man im in love with over something that wasnt my fault. And looked at as a liar and false acuser. Lost the people that i jave grown to adore, and relate to amd feel 100% confident. Becsuse you made me out to be s Cheater. And a liar they coupdnt trust. Lost my happieness i worked.zo hard go recive. My home. And my heart.

I personslly dont think i deserve the harsh consequences and treatment im reciving from the ones i thought cared for me.

Yea, i spoke about it kind of late after, but i would never acuse someone of such a harsh crime, if they didnt reslly do it.

BUT this truly....opened my eyes to...wow, dont get comfortable with people easily, because no matter how.close you are, people are able to change like its nothing.

I'm finally recovering from my sadness. And depression and fright of my.assult. I'm PROUD of myself right now...I got a new job, I have been sober now for more than a week. I see my dsughter so much snd my life is made. I'm still living, and if the people ive grown go love and care for truly decide they're no longer a person in mg life, jtll hurt. And ill be hurt gor s while. But i will have to remind myself that....was it truly a friendship if i get abandon for zomething i had no control over.

My head is fu ked up. I truly didnt want to lose Zachary. And I do want to hope to myself that sometime for him to cool down, and then we'll be eschothers again. I have no friends anymore...ni home.

BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP. whatever happens eith us, will happen how it needs too. I love you eo much...but you never give.up on someone you love...and thisnis your 2md time giving up pn me.

I'll continue to strive for me, kick ass, become the best person i can. And grow to learn to never let someone else destroy you.

[nerdepic]

and whilst im on it and dont Really Fuckin Want to have to reiterate any more, heres a goddamn breakdown okay

i hate the way this fandom treats gay people. 

gay men are not written as human beings. they are written as sex toys. they are written to be abused and raped for sexual gratification. and honestly i find this fucking disgusting, that another human would see the abuse and think its hot. 

this applies doubly for fics sexualizing child abuse and childhood sexual assault.  

i sincerely hope you seek help as to why you find raping and abusing people (especially children) sexy, because its just... not healthy. 

the reason why im so against these types of things is because 

fanfic is usually gay kids first experiences with gay media, especially if theyre still in the closet. this can and will lead them into thinking abuse is normal and they should expect it from their partners. 

because of this, im also totally for protected and clean and safe sex in fics too, 

abusers will use this content to groom their victims. (it happened to me, i was sodomised at age 13 thanks to works like these). 

its a lame excuse to say “well, SANE people would understand its just fiction” because like. if you tell any adult of any disposition “this sexual act feels good” theyre likely to attempt it. 

“i didnt write this for abusers so its a misuse” well if you write content like this, you need to be ready to handle the consequences of it BEING misused. its your creation, you have to deal with the consequences that a kid got attacked because of your fic

if you look at kids being abused and find it sexy, thats so immoral and unethical i cant even begin. why do you sexualise kids. thats disgusting. 

“ive put an authors note and tagged correctly so i can do what i want” yeah because ~everyone knows~ abusers heed warnings and tags. its a cop out so you dont have to consider what it is youre actually writing. 

seeing these situations as sexually gratifying is fetishizing abuse. thats why i call it that, because thats what it is.

now, this isnt me saying you cant write “dark issues”. i just want ppl to think about the angle theyre portraying them at.

this is a BIG DIFFERENCE and this difference is IMPORTANT.

also, fic is in so way shape or form comparable to videogames, porn, or movies, since all three things are regulated and can be banned. if a porn actor loses one piece of documentation they arent allowed to act. movie and games have been banned before for intense violence. all three still depict graphic sexual violence from times to time, and this is CONSTANTLY battled against by activist groups. 

fic is much more open world and pretty much only taken down if its plagiarism. there are no restrictions and can be accessed by anyone, and thats why its important to talk about these issues.

as for why the “coping mechanisms” excuse doesnt work:

if youre reliving your abuse with these fics thats not healthy. especially if youre sexualizing and romanticizing it. all youre doing is justifying in your mind that you deserved it, or that it wasnt really abuse. 

i know it can be difficult to move past romanticizing your abuser (most victims do this), but its the best thing to do. otherwise youre putting yourself in danger of being abused again either by the same person or someone else. you need to understand that abuse is bad, and you need to understand how bad the extent of your abuse was in order to begin moving forward. this process wont happen if youre refusing to take off your rose tinted glasses. 

you cant write a detailed sexual fic of a minor being abused and say “fiction doesnt affect reality so writing this means nothing” and then in the same breath say its how you “cope”. thats hypocritical since youre literally saying it affects your reality. 

coping mechanisms can be unhealthy! i used to self harm to cope, and it was bad for me! i was hurting myself! if i said i dealt with my anger by beating up my boyfriend, that would be unhealthy and abusive! 

this fandom wrote a fic where 17 yearold link who is implied to have a mental handicap gets drugged and raped by 40+ year old rhett and the comments were saying it was hot when he cried out in pain. this fandom wrote and supported a fic where jewish link gets recused from nazi germany by rhett. this fandom wrote and supported a fic where stevie gets corrective raped by r&l. this fandom wrote and supported a fic where rhetts WIFE jessie dresses up and roleplays as link whilst rhett has sex with her. 

and away from fic, people ALWAYS oversexualise. on every post is a sexual comment. ive banned them on my own posts and i still get them, even after saying i dont consent to them. 

no one says anything because yall react poorly to ANY criticism and people are afraid of yall. 

 and anyway:

i namedropped because they namedropped me. calling me a little shit and an ass and a bully. ive been called homophobic slurs. ive had people tell me im not really gay because im trans as well as other transphobic bs. my friends have received asks calling me names because they dare to interact with me. 

the anon sending me bullshit left a trail on my statcounter so it was easy to point out who was sending me hate. if youre saying im stalking youre giving me too much credit for what was literally copy and pasting an ip address into google. i dont care that much about you to waste my time like that. im sorry for that but only that. 

#txt #ethan and the rhinkfandom #long post #@ anyone seeing a fandumb mom talking abt me: show em this post #and tell em to stop talking abt me theyre wasting their breath lmao

[irlcringekin]

Callout post: @toroidion @fckhand @mashcores @googledocz @1cm3 @tcnno @tarnmas @p976 @p15s @harmacysts tons of other urls-- SEXUALLY HARASSES AND ASSAULTS OTHER MINORS!!!

I apologize so much for posting this into fandom tags but he’s a Transformers fandom blogger and everyone needs to watch out. First off,

Here’s a list of shit this callout post covers:

him literally SEXUALLY ASSAULTING and SEXUALLY HARASSING MINORS.

him forcing nsfw/kink onto both MINORS and adults.

him being very emotionally manipulative (guilt tripping, threatening suicide to force people to be friends with him, etc.)

SO TW FOR ALL OF THAT.

Here are his blogs:

@38 (current url!!!)

@fckhand  (he goes back to this url a lot)

@googledocz  (past url)

@8752  (previous url)

@1cm3

@tcnno (a previous url)

@tarnmas (a previous url)

@roughbf (some sort of active sideblog)

@ctdc (an old tfkin group chat he had -- this is where he’s proved to harass people the most!!)

@pcrv (old URL - still online) 

@p15s (old URL - still online)

@skrnr (old blog - recently taken by the Woody Collectives)

@breakpng-remade (an old blog when he used to ID as Breakdown)

@harmkin (an old blog he used to stalk people on to send them n.s.f.w)

Past URLs:

toroidion

incelreaper

magistream

oddcorn

harmacysts

harmacysts-remade

ctnet

cybertronnet

breakdovvn

breakpng

skrnr

soliqsnake

paralons

Names he goes by to watch out for:

Pharma

Para / Paralon

Docs

Griev

Grim

Ten

Break(down)

He’s a minor himself but that does NOT excuse him from literally sexually assaulting other minors and putting them in danger within multiple group chats.

Please PLEASE PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU CAN!

Note: some people in this post are kin with certain characters. If someone is using a character name, it’s because of that. Don’t attack them about this.

Note: those whose names/urls/etc. are not censored gave FULL PERMISSION to be included and not censored in this post.

Note: again, this person is indeed a minor too (which doesn’t excuse him at all) but please do not harass him. Block him and spread the word to protect other minors!

He sexually assaults other minors:

It’s been my personal experience of being with him in group chats that many times he has just been asked to stop talking nsfw/kink because he’s a minor or it just made people/other minors uncomfortable. However, most of the time, he either refused or said he’d stop... only to continue. That’s all I’ve experienced. This obviously isn’t enough to warrant a callout post, however...

HE HAS RECENTLY WENT SO FAR AS TO MASTURBATE WHILE ON CALL WITH A MINOR (15) WHO WAS TOO FUCKING SCARED TO TELL HIM TO STOP.

I’ve been given permission by the person he assaulted to say who they are: it was @t4ilgate he assaulted.

It started off with someone messaging me about it:

Note that @/harmacysts aka @fckhand (now @toroidion) fakes being a system in order to get out of most of the shit he starts. Ie. “oh my other alter did that, not me, so I can’t take responsibility for my actions!”

I later got proof of his sexual assault and harassment on a tumblr user by the URL of @t4ilgate (again, permission was given to make their url public):

JUST BECAUSE THIS PERSON DIDNT SAY NO AND FELT PRESSURED INTO IT, DOESNT MEAN ITS OK. THIS WAS FORCED UPON THEM. THEY LITERALLY SAY THAT THEY DIDNT SAY NO BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO FUCKING SCARED TO SPEAK UP.

He later tried to defend them not speaking up as them “giving consent”:

“They should not have given me the slightest consent if they didn’t want it” SILENCE AND FEAR IS NOT CONSENT.

“i gave them the option to say no multiple times” THEY WERE TOO SCARED OF YOU TO SAY NO. ALSO ACCORDING TO THEM,

YOU DIDNT AT ALL.

“I’m genuinely trying to get better” YOU WOULDNT FORCE NSFW/KINKS AND YOURSELF ONTO OTHER MINORS IF YOU ACTUALLY WERE.

And here it is CONFIRMED that they were pressured and scared/forced into this shit:

[ @/t4ilgate: i really tried to hint at trying to make things slow down when he started getting too sexual with me. he just kept asking and asking me until i just felt really pressured to just agree. he really took advantage of me, especially since i had something really similar like this happen before, i was distressed abt upsetting him. he kept asking me over and over how i was feeling, and asking me if i knew what he was feeling and doing. he kept insisting that i should be blunt whenever he did.

(name redacted): god - im so sorry you had to go through that ]

Again allow me to emphasize:

“he just kept asking and asking me until i just felt really pressured to just agree. he really took advantage of me, especially since i had something really similar like this happen before, i was distressed abt upsetting him.”

And in response to his “public apology”:

[ @/t4ilgate: HAHAHAHA W O W OK THEN - 'consent' oh, you mean, constantly badgering me until my 'i dont know, im not sure' turns into '....ok' - 70% of the call was spent doing sexual activities he spent so long trying to convince me to do. - get fucked. ]

HE DID THIS WITHOUT CONSENT AND EXCUSED EVERYTHING WITH “but... [after i intensely pressured and forced them into it] they barely said ok so it’s consensual!”

BADGERING SOMEONE UNTIL THEY GIVE IN IS NOT CONSENT. YOU ARE A FUCKING SEXUAL ASSAULTER AND YOU’VE POTENTIALLY TRAUMATIZED A MINOR FOR YOUR OWN SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

I hope you have fun living with this knowledge for the rest of your life.

--

And here’s him being asked to leave, saying he’s “so sorry” for sexually assaulting someone, (note: the person telling him to leave says that he’s done this to MULTIPLE PEOPLE SO HE IS A REPEATED OFFENDER AND DANGER):

As you can see, him asking “are you sure you want me to leave [after sexually assaulting a member of your chat]” outright shows that he’s not even considerate of how others feel LET ALONE THE PERSON HE ASSAULTED. He asks after sexually assaulting someone if they really want him to leave. Which, no shit asshole who WOULDNT want you to leave.

As a trauma survivor myself, this utterly disgusts me that this person @/harmacysts aka @fckhand (now @38) who is also the owner of @/ctnet would go so far as to WILLINGLY TRAUMATIZE ANOTHER MINOR FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

That’s cocsa even if it’s not physical or in-person, it’s still a form of sexual assault and harassment and I feel so fucking bad for the person (people?) he’s sexually harassed.

It gets worse!!!!

HE ALSO MADE A BLOG ABOUT THIS POOR MINOR AND HIS SEXUAL FANTASIES ABOUT THEM AND HARASSED THEM ON THERE TOO

Apparently this has happened BEFORE with other people as well many times:

[@/t4ilgate: -and really sexually affectionate, but i never knew he’d do that w/out asking me first - YEAH - like he even made a nsfw vent blog to talk about him lusting over me and just feels so bad and wrong i hate it i hate it

(name redacted): he did that to us too

@/t4ilgate: the url used to be harmkin - seriously???

(name redacted): he used to have a blog called fakegimmick and he’d vague about wanting to fuck us (all 17+ year olds) all the time

@/t4ilgate: that’s so fucking sick holy shit i never knew

(name redacted): and he’d even send us the links to the shit he’d vague - it was so fucking uncomfortable - he even made fun of sex-repulsion]

Him making nsfw blogs to literally stalk and harass other minors sexually and to talk about them sexually is fucking creepy. He was asked to stop multiple times but DID NOT EVER STOP. This is harassment, this is cocsa, and this is disgusting.

If that wasn’t enough, then here’s more of what he’s done:

UPDATE!! -- his new url has changed to @38 !

@tcnno used to be a previous url (proof):

[ like… i know ive been denying everything this whole time but… the person that was called out is in our system. im a newer host. i tried to get away from the whole thing because im a coward but that’s irrelevant. the point is that im letting go of my role as host and Pharma is taking that. if anyone is uncomfortable just leave the server its all fine. i doubt im going dormant but we’ll see. im really sorry i have to do this everything is too much for me to handle right now.

if anyone wants anything cleared out just ask. pharma is here with me so he can ask questions as well.

by the way feel free to screenshot that because im not hiding anymore.

oh and if you dont know whats going on just… ((link to the callout against him)) yeah. he doesnt do that kind of shit anymore and is getting better but still if anyone is uncomfortable, feel free to cut contact ] --- source (tcnno)

please note that he has excused his manipulative and abusive behavior and even the fact that he has sexually harassed a minor with his “system” and “headmates” before!!!!!

He has said MANY TIMES that he has “changed”!!

this is normal manipulative behavior for him. please do not fall for it! he is STILL VERY MUCH A DANGER!!

and he’s since then moved to @1cm3 as stated on his blog:

and from this blog you can find a url trail from 1cm3 to @incelreaper and then back to the old @fckhand and over to @arknights  and over to @mashcores and then to @googledocz where he deleted most of his content and then to 8752 where he seems to go back to the url @fckhand a lot where he admitted he was googledocz. he is now @38

UPDATE: HE JOKES ABOUT SEXUALLY HARASSING PEOPLE AND ADMITS HE DOESNT FEEL BAD ABOUT WHAT HE DID!

I guess he saw the callout post and all he did was make jokes about it and thus him sexually harassing people:

and then even say he “feels bad but also not”:

He forces nsfw/kink onto both other minors and adults:

Many people have come to me telling me that in all of the group chats he runs and/or is in, he has tried to force nsfw/kink shit onto minors MANY TIMES.

The below pictures in this next part include him going so far as to force nsfw/kink onto his old ex datemate. He’s went so far as to completely ignore their boundaries and they make commentary here and there about how scared they were (tw for vaguely nsfw implied text - but nothing outright nsfw):

[ @/harmacysts: we still have that thing you suggested - we should do that eventually.

--- A note from his ex who we’ll call “Tracer”: I didn’t suggest it. ]

===

[ @/harmacysts: well i just remembered a thing from our past and im-

“Tracer”: ???????

Harmacysts: try to guess

---  A note from his ex: here im playing along bc im too scared to do anything else ]

===

and here is where his ex datemate tried to LEAVE THE SITUATION but he kept forcing it further:

Nothing is outwardly nsfw but his ex is clearly very VERY uncomfortable and tries to literally escape the situations he puts them in MULTIPLE TIMES to the point where they feel SCARED of him.

There were also a few other instances of him forcing nsfw/kink onto people:

He has posted pictures of himself wearing a collar in a group chat he used to be in. This made a lot of people very uncomfortable as he’s a minor so they had to delete the pic he sent. During the time he was wearing it/sent the pic, he kept talking about how “age regressed” he was and then later on called his age regression “pet regression” (possible fetishization of age regression and trauma?)

After being called out about it, instead of apologizing and trying to make things better, he deleted most of the shit he sent and ran from the situation and left the group chat, unable to take people telling him to stop posting nsfw things.

Most of it was deleted including the picture he posted, but here is where he sent it:

note: NO ONE told him to send it and NO ONE told him that it was ok to. Here’s proof that they did not encourage him AT ALL and even told him to NOT post it:

and here’s the aftermath of it where, when being talked to about it and asked to stop in a calm manner, he immediately guilt trips the person telling him to stop:

[caption:

(Name redacted): I apologize but you didn’t have to leave. All I was asking was for you to not post such things into a chat with adults and - Yeah a few people have also mentioned that it made them incredibly uncomfortable as well as adults. I also don’t understnad the issue with me asking you to not post such things, and for adults to be informed of you being a minor.

Harmacysts: no its just best im not there at all]

However, after that, he once again began to force collars and kink shit onto people DESPITE BEING TOLD TO STOP MULTIPLE TIMES:

Here’s where people tell him to stop:

Note, these are taken from multiple group chats,

[ (name redacted): you NEED TO STOP POSTING THIS SHIT its making so many people uncomfortable and youre a MINOR. this isnt an nsfw chat. this is a sfw chat. and even if we did allow nsfw, YOURE A MINOR YOU NEED TO FUCKING STOP OR ELSE WE’RE GOING TO BOOT YOU FOR GOOD, OK? ]

[ (name redacted): pleasee stop this is really uncomfortable im a minor and i dont wanna see this stuff.... please??? idc if youre a minor too i want you to stop!! ]

He’s made EVERYONE both minors and adults uncomfortable. He forces nsfw/kink shit onto minors. He forces it onto adults too. No matter how much people ask him to stop, he doesn’t.

He’s caused multiple minors harm and has even triggered quite a few of them into panic attacks with his blatant sexual harassment.

I can’t stress it enough that even though he’s a minor himself, THIS IS NOT OK --- LET ALONE THE FACT THAT HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ANOTHER MINOR!!

He’s very emotionally manipulative:

Here are some accounts of him emotionally manipulating, guilt tripping, threatening suicide, and even trying to break relationships up out of jealousy.

This will be a mixture of people’s encounters with him and screenshots of what he’s said/done.

[ (name redacted): one of the only things that made me stay and wait for him to get better was the fact he used to guilt trip me with "i think i would have kms if i hadn't ever met you" which made me feel important but burdened WITH A FUCKING HUMAN LIFE ]

=====

[ (Name redacted #1): all he said when i once commented about the age difference between his first two relationships i knew of was "i can see why it's not everyone's thing" like................. hey

(Name redacted #2): oh my god

(Name redacted #3): so he perpetuates gross age gaps - also he’s still shoving his nsfw kink talk into minor’s faces - he’s doing it in other group chats

(Name redacted #4): UGh ]

so he advocates and even perpetuates for adult/minor and age-gap relationships.

=====

a few emotionally manipulative and guilt-trippy things he’s said but nothing too serious to warrant a callout post by itself, but it’s still something to include to show his general behavior:

(he apparently used to go by this name and icon in a different chat)

EDIT as of 21/01/2018: since then, he has been changing to numerous URLs, FULLY PRETENDING TO BE OTHER PEOPLE, and trying to drag new people into his shit. He’s hurt even more people according to a few sources and STILL tries to excuse his actions with weak apologies and saying that he “has changed and improved”:

[[ Pharmy boy (aka harmacysts/fckhand -- now @toroidion): yeah ik its really bad but if you need an apology/explanation or something i can provide one? just first off its been 5 months since everything Happened. ive improved a lot since then and i dont condone those types of things at all. it was very stupid of me and i take all the responsibility for it. i mightve been 14 at the time but that doesnt take away how bad it is.  ((continued))--

I am trying my best. So first off yeah I did do sexual things on call with another person when i hadnt been given a proper answer, and i did pressure them into it. I admit that. I didnt mean to hurt them, I genuinely thought it was ok, but now i know better. i do feel very guilty for what i did. ill be more careful in the future and am sure to not repeat the same thing ever again.

then theres me talking about nsfw when people were telling me to stop. obviously thats not a right thing to do either, as everyone was clearly uncomfortable with it. i wont repeat that either, and will look after it myself.

theres also me blaming things on alters, and not taking responsibility for what they mightve done. i dont remember exactly what happened but from now on im sure to take note of what they do and apologize for them.  ((note: he is NOT an actual system, does not have DID, and only started to claim to be one after he got friends who also claimed to be systems))

ive also bee manipulative in the past, and ive taken note of it. i used to guilt trip people and say shit like “no one loves me and youre lying” etc etc but i promise i will not do that again.

the only time i ever did stuff like that was the ones mentioned, i havent done the same before, and neither will i do it again.  ((false: he has done many more things that weren’t documented due to him deleting messages after he was told off or called out))

sorry thats a bit sloppy.

but like. i promise ive improved, and i still am. ill continue to improve from now on as well, you can give me a chance to prove that if you so desire.

bottomtron: sorry but, literally, i cant. my abuser of 3 years that ruined my life was like this and i even physically lived with him. im sure youll get better in time but 5 months isnt long and my gut tells me to just do what i feel is right. so i hope you have a good run in life and you do get better. ]]

however, despite harmacysts/fckhand’s claims, he actually HAS NOT changed and continues to sexually harass and perhaps even groom other minors:

plus it should be quite obvious that 5 months is barely enough time, especially since there has been little difference in his behaviour.

Small edit as of 2018/07/30 --- fckhand (now @38) proves that he STILL has not changed and does not care about nor respect any of his friends’ decisions to leave him after they find out what he has done.

He has no changed, will not change, and refuses to respect peoples’ decisions even after claiming for ages now that he does. He is lying.

TLDR --- this person @fckhand (now @38) literally sexually harassed another minor under the guise that their silence and fear was consent. He pressured them into it and harmed them. He’s extremely manipulative and toxic and is KNOWN to force nsfw/kink onto other minors. since then, he has been lying and trying to worm his way back into fandoms and people’s lives.

again do not harass him but by all means please reblog this post, block him, and tell others!

#fckhand #38 #callout #callout post

[imoverit]

I just don’t know. I know I say that a lot but I just really don’t. Like I’m a very highly intelligent person and I’m very good at solving problems. Making something after more efficient. Like I can go into a business and within a month or 2 just totally change that place. Like from products from intake of like a grocery store to the customers cars I can make it so an employee won’t have to handle it more than he needs too. Move this there. Change this try that and before you know it your pumping out a million guitars a year when before me was 50-100k.

And I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!!!!! I’ve gone over every scenario 1000 times each and then even started mixing scenarios together then adding new thoughts and Scientific physocology shit to it then adding reality shit to it then adding physically AND YES AND (as in more than 1,) practically IMPOSSIBLE FUCKING BULLSHIT to the mix and then before you know it I just wanna fucking blow my head off. Seriously. Honestly It’s too fucking much at times. But I’m not going too don’t worry. Ive injected myself several in fact dozens of times with a cocktail of drugs so powerful that DR Kovorkian coulda helped 7-8 people maybe more. I’d have to inject a whole morphine 200 just to get outta bed I’m the morning and I wasn’t even high yet. I had to mix large quantities. Half gram or more of dope at a time mixed with some pills to get high! Thank god I HONESTLY don’t miss that. I do however miss her. YOU. And I just don’t know what the hell is up. My woman the woman who she was before I met her would have no problem telling me what’s up with the last 3mths In person. She wouldn’t. Even if she fucking wanted my ass deader than a shit and she was fuCali nag pissed or even if she was hurt emotionally by something I did or said (before the blow up. That don’t count cuz she didn’t tell me the TRUTH!!! My WOMAN would sit me down tell me the TRUTH and then kick my fucking ass and kill me but SHE WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM TELLING ME THE TRUTH...... IN PERSON. So some things up. I hear It her voice. It sounds painful whatever it is. And before I blew up when we was “good” and we’re still single but she writes the legit I love you msg and ONE DAY AT A TIME. Then over next couple weeks. I get honest love yous and miss yous and even when we talked on the phone that was my woman. If she was happy sad angry whatever that was my woman. Then even may 4th I think. Super flower moon day I heard it in her voice. The IM IN LOVE WITH YOU BUT I HAVE TO PUSH YOU AWAY self sabotage of a meaningful relationship cuz what I’m better off. Cuz it’s all minor stupid spiraled outta control bullshit and now resentments are forming. The kind that NEVER GO AWAY. And I don’t want that. But she won’t talk to me. At all. It’s out of character for MY WOMAN!! Like even if she wasn’t in love with me and I knew her I would be able to tell somethings up from her tone last night.

It was just pain full to hear. Like she still has something aching to get out and be said. I just don’t know if it’s good for me or bad for me. I feel it’s bad. I feel that she has marked me for life as one of her abusers. Somethings wrong that she won’t fucking tell me. Cuz that’s not my woman. That’s not the woman who I sat next to for 7 years. Yeah babe 7 years. Yeah babe I’m calling you babe cuz that will always be your name to me!! And I just feel like she feels ashamed and emabareassed for her actions when she is having a PTSD moment and most of the time she blacks out and don’t remember half the stuff that was said. And that scares me. So angry that you black out. I would never hurt her. NEVER EVER EVER WOULD I DO ANYTHING EVEN ROTELY CLOSE TO WHAT THEM MONSTERS HAVE DONE TO YOU!!!! Mean words yes I am fucking guilty. A phone or laundry basket thrown in your direction with no intent to harm you physically, yes I’m f ifking guiltynof that too I’m guilty. But I would never ever do anything worse than what’s already been done. (Fist hole In a cheap closet door, guilty) but I’d never and I KNOW YOU HONESTLY KNOW THAT. I SAVED YOU BABY. I WAS THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED ME THE MOST!!! Actions. Forget about other girls who I never was anything more than basic non sexual friends with. I said something nice about her hair. Well if I remember correctly that’s as during the time I me Patrick left but you BABE didn’t tell me before I walked out door that you were on the ledge of a bridge deciding if you wanted to jump or not. Which I’m so glad you didn’t but if you would of told me that day of 356 bridge NONE OF THIS WOULDA HAPPENED. Neither would of dec 28th and for that. I think you feel guilty and ashamed prolly disgusting(cuz I do for my actions so that’s why I said you prolly feel) scared and embarrassed for yourself and yur actions cuz that’s how I feel about myself. I’m mostly ashamed and embarrassed of myself but I feel angry the most and that’s why I can’t talk wirhour getting passionate”. Angry at myself. I’m not even made at you. I’m angry at myself. And then in turn get angry at you for something stupid and then it blows up into big time madness all cuz I’m ashamed of myself and I’m angry with myself. If I hadn’t snuck around and used drugs with chad. Which was only drugs never anything sexual with anybody!!!!! And you know what I feel the same way. I’m ashamed of myself. To the point I wanna die. I’m embarrassed and angry and I feel so disgusting and gross since you couldn’t even let me hold you when you cut your wrist. I tried to get you but you didn’t want me too touch you. So no didn’t. I’m so sorry baby. I shoulda took the chance of you calling cops on me for assault or something. But at same time I respect you so you said don’t touch I didn’t touch. When you tell me to not touch you for a year even after we got thru her not working correctly after surgery. Remember what I said. I’ll try everyday 100 times a day for years if needed until you can cum all over him or my face.

And I just know we don’t end like this. We don’t end like this. Your the most amazing woman I ever met. Beautiful. Your not beautiful. Beautiful don’t even come fucking close to describing who/what you are!!!! Brave. Strong super sexy wardawg who despite EVERTHING (everything you’ve said/done, I’ve said/done) despite EVERYTHING baby you STILL drive me wild like the first time we met each other. Your real true beauty makes my dick hard just thinking about you. Right now. He 😘🤪👃👅🖖👐(full body erotic message hands) your the strongest most courageous woman I’ve EVER MET like you didn’t even go I my o much detail about shit everytime you’d open up you got more beautiful. Then when you started telling me bout yur monster cousins you got more beautiful and you didn’t even go into detail of the events (like you actually should do to help HEAL. It works trust me KERR FAMILY. I carried a lot of shit after that. Loading a whole family that died together in a forerunner crash into the coroners van. 4 people. Mom. 3 kids 16-6 or 7 years old. And our relationship now. The current state were in right now just ripped my family away and I’m in need of my best friend my lover back!!! I really am. I just miss you so much. I’ll cry for an hour straight. Seriously. Sometimes 2 and then stop try to do something but WVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF YOU. I watched a video on donutboperator of a kid who was yelling at the cop to just kill him bro please. And I freaking cried like a baby all night. Ended up texting you and then you called and I got to hear your voice but then I hurt even more cuz you didn’t even sound like you. That wasn’t you. It just wasn’t you. Even if you hate me and actually never wanted to see me again m, you would sound like you. And you just didn’t. Remember on the phone. I got the text too to prove it. “Yur voice was different. Everything was different”. In a good way. She got tingly from what you said!! Yeah I bd isn’t hear that in you. Like even when we were together and we were Mia communicating and someone called or you had to deal with a person. You sounded like BABE. Even when we weee fighting on the phone BOTH getting mean and ignorant to each other. You still sounded like you. But last night. You didn’t. Even from the very first words of, what do you want?? It just didn’t sound like Ashley. If I was blind and you walked into the room and talked I wouldn’t of known who it was. Just please talk to me baby!!! We should be spending this beautiful summer watching stars here at dads or kennerdale. Yes kennerdale. I was waiting for better weather to go star gazing there with you and hold you tight then feb 2nd came and I thought for sure you was gonna come see me. At least once. And I won’t lie. You hurt me feelings with the whole weed issue april 22nd. Like you text before we even talked. Look at menu your only one who’s appreciate it then we started talking and I thought it was going good. If you were only talking to me my babe was back then somewhere around your script issue something noticeably changed. You began getting short with me. You wouldn’t text for a few days and I can almost pin point the exact like 2 week span. So please baby. If youve heard any thing that I’ve said here. And if you truly deep down inside feel any bit of the same way I do. Just please come talk to me. I’d like it to be without you having a BF so I can hug you. I just want a hug. I wasn’t able to that night or since or even before and I just my my woman back. Your world didn’t end the day I moved out!!! It just began. Use this lil vacation to get yourself right. Don’t worry about a relationship. And if yo u need the services of a man that’s what I’m here for. If we’re working on ourselves and each other with that promise to each other like I mentioned last year. Your strong independent woman who don’t need a man. So I don’t see why you jumped straight into a relationship while you still have/had at time may 4th, feelings for me. Cuz that wasn’t how somebody who don’t love a person no more, breaks up width.

You don’t basically tell me please don’t blow up and end it bad I’m case I wake up I’m a year well 2 to be “specific” and realize that it was ALWAYS me. The fact that you even said that was a red flag. Shoulda been a red flag to yurself that you were self sabatoging our relationship. I don’t care if you slept with 50 guys the last 3-4 mths. I bd not want details unless there is no chance of us getting back together EVER and then I need to know when you started talking to mike is it? Cuz if it was after our phone call March 24th then he’s a POS I know you talked about our relationship and I have a feeling he said one of those predator lines. He don’t deserve you. You are beautiful. But what you didn’t tell him is that you didn’t want me telling you you were beautiful cuz you thought I only said it cuz I was on drugs which wasn’t the case. It intensified the true feelings. And I just feel something like that happened and then that one day round April 13th is give or take a week something happened. Maybe a one night stand. Kool no problem but then guilt and shame and embarrassment comes into play and then you text me like you was trying to tell me something and then it don’t matter anyways. My life was over day you moved out shit down and then you ignored me so you didn’t have to tell me. I feel 2 ways bout it. Either it was one night stand and you felt emabareassed bout it which you shouldn’t. Your human or he did take advantage of a woman who’s a month out of a 7 year rocky relationship but r the he reason it was rocky is because both people were fighting for what they love/loved. Me/you as of now. And we just don’t end like this babe. We don’t. Are you ok with us ending like this??? I mean how we ever gonna be able to even try to become friends again if one of us has a significant other. It’s like mike and (I don’t have nobody but you so we’ll say Suzie) Mike and suzie gonna be ok with us going to hang out or going to concert or what?? Double dating??? I just can’t see ya ever talking to each other again unless we’re in a committed relationship to each other. I just don’t know. I need to jamb. I’m really missing you hard core right now. I feel like you actually did die cuz I’m never gonna see you again

Remember how I always say somethings in the woods here. I feel like a raptor or some shot is stalking so Last night I was jambin in drive way and I bent down BYU turn the mids up a lil but and when I bent back up there was a coyote running towards me from the flower bed closest to driveway I yelled AAHHHH and went to swing my guitar like a bat and it like turned in mid full sprint slid its nails across blacktop I could hear them sliding trying to grip traction and then he took off towards the Lane sign. I fucking had prolly a #50-60 pound coyote almost attack me. I just heard them down on the bank just behind the light line.