#saying you can and will only watch laurel and hardy is a cry for help | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

itcertainlyisl-n-h · 3 years

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Just Plain Nuts...

Illiana Laurel, (right) Russian dancer and singer, was back in court Tuesday to elaborate on her plea to have her divorce from Stan Laurel of the films set aside. She charged the divorce had been forced on her and asserted the comedian, clad only in shorts, once chased her down a Beverly Hills street. She then wore only a negligee. Countess Sonia, shown also, filed an affidavit describing the incident.

—AP Wirepohoto November 23, 1939

He chased her down the street to the sounds of startled cats knocking over garbage cans and her terrified screams piercing the night. The had just had an incredible row in the bedroom...punctuated by her throwing an ever present drink in his face.

“Ty nikogda ne byl muzhchinoy!!” She shouted at him as he leapt from the bedside. His eyes were on fire...bloodshot and angry. She had insulted him so many times it was hard to keep count.

“Watch what you say my Zaichik...” He said through gritted teeth...”I have taken enough Russian to get the gist...”

“Then it doesn’t take much brains to get what I’m saying...” She screamed at him, but before she could utter another word he had her pinned against the wall...her wrists bound by his hands.

“I’ve shown you countless times...and in many ways...what kind of man I am...” He said...his voice low and seductive, tickling the fine hair of her ear as he whispered threateningly into it. “I can’t help it you wanted something more than me...namely my wallet.”

She looked at him with such scorn and contempt and without warning stomped down hard on his foot causing him to release her and cry out in pain. She slapped him in the face and stood defiant.

Now as he drew closer to her as she rounded the corner of their neighborhood and down a city sidewalk...not much was going through Stan Laurel’s mind other than Oliver Hardy’s infamous catchphrase “Here’s another nice mess I’ve gotten myself into.” She was screaming at the top of her lungs sounding like for all the world...a murder victim. All he wanted to do was catch her and calm her. He wanted to talk some sense into her. She drove him absolutely crazy at times...and this one was no exception.

Why did he ever think that she would be the one to save him from the disaster of his previous relationship? Why did he think that she...hotheaded and tempestuous from the word go was going to be the one to tame the monsters inside of his head that continued to rage on with every single failed attempt at love? He had let his heart rule over his head once again and he was supposed to be the brains behind the whole operation...wasn’t he?

He should have listened to them all...especially Babe. Babe. The silent martyr who stood by it all and watched it unfold. The one who tried the most to reason with him. To tell him to give it a rest with the dames. To take some time to figure out who he was...what he wanted. He didn’t listen then...but his voice was coming in loud and clear now.

“You’re going to ruin us, Stanley...”

“I can handle it...”

“You know I’ve always trusted you...trusted your judgement. We’ve been through the thick and thin of it...we’ve battled The Depression and came out on top. We’ve battled Roach and we’ve gotten a fair shake...not the shake we’re entitled to...but better than most...we’re on top, Stan...me and you...Don’t let your actions have consequences.”

He had almost caught up with Illiana when she turned and ducked down a dark alley. It was a cold night and his bare feet were scraped up and his body was shaking...mostly with rage...mostly with embarrassment. He kept picturing the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper. Him in his boxers...she in her nighty...both disheveled and on mugshots. If it wasn’t for all the seriousness he may have laughed and thought of a funny gag for their next movie...but this had a way of ruining careers. He was already in enough hot water.

It was quiet and dark down the alley. He thought he could hear the sound of her breathing.

“Zaichik...come out now...this is enough foolishness for the night...please...let’s talk about this...”

He heard the sounds of sirens in the distance. He knew he didn’t have much time. He wanted to get her home and discuss things before they had gotten completely out of hand. This was one for the books though.

“No...I won’t.”

“Look...darling...don’t do this to me...ok? To us? Let’s talk about this. I know it’s cold out here...you’ll catch your death. We must look a frightful pair!”

“I don’t care, Stanley...I’m afraid...afraid you’re going to hit me.”

“Have I ever? Have I ever touched you like that?”

“No...but you’ve done worse. You ignore me...you make fun of me to Hardy...you laugh at me with your daughter...other women...” She came from out of the shadows. Her hair tangled...her make-up running down her face.

Stan stood with his hands on his hips at the opening of the alleyway the shadows playing long on his body in the streetlamps. He saw her. Her negligee torn, hanging from her shoulder. She was beautiful and wild all at the same moment. He hated her so much. He loved her so tragically.

“Other men.”

“Watch what you say...”

“You know it’s true.”

He reached his hand out to strike her...to choke her...to shut her mouth...she always used this against him. The ace up her sleeve...the thing she knew she had over him...that she could use against him in any court of law...in any hearing about whether or not he should ever be able to work again. Whether or not he wouldn’t be publicly shamed for life...to go down in the history books as being a tosser...a buggerer...as...whatever anyone thought to call it these days. He looked at her with such ferociousness. She knew she had him.

“You haven’t been in my life long enough to even attempt to know what you’re doing...in regards to my business...my personal life. I suggest you stop while you’re ahead...wife.”

“And I suggest you should have told me in the beginning you like the sex with men...” She smirked at him her face full of disgust and sickness at the thought. “I knew that day when I walked in on you...it would be the last...the last of my feelings for you..”

Stan had heard enough. He marched forward and grabbed Illiana up by the waist and hoisted her over his shoulder. He would take her home and they would continue this. He needed another drink. He needed to get her away from the outside...she was still screaming and was yelling all of their secrets out to the world and anyone who would listen. He only saw red as she continued to berate him.

“PUT ME DOWN...”

“I WON’T...I’VE HAD IT...WE’RE GOING HOME!!”

“I WON’T!! LET ME GO!! HELP HELP!!! HE’S HURTING ME!!”

The police siren had been growing closer and now was directly in front of the alleyway. Two officers came out and pulled Stan away from his wife and threw him up against their squad car. He struggled for a while yelling at them to let him go and it was all a huge misunderstanding. The police officers did doubletakes as they saw who they had pinned down but then shook their heads as they lead off Mrs. Laurel to the back of the squad car...her plaintive cries of “DON’T HURT HIM...IT’S ALL MY FAULT...” echoing from the backseat.

“You’re allowed a phone call, Mr. Laurel.” The booking officer said as he looked down at the comedian looking as sad and as pitiful as his counterpart on the screen. They had given him a rough and scratchy blanket to wrap up in and had escorted his wife off to the women’s detention to talk to her and book her for public indecency as well. Stan’s head was hurting so bad. He couldn’t think. He didn’t know what to do. He thought as well as he could about what he should do next but reached for the phone. He needed him.

“Hardy residence...” Oliver Hardy said groggily...it was late...three in the morning late...he was in and out of sleep when he heard the soft, quiet, resigned, dejected voice of his long time partner.

“Babe...I’m scared.”

Part 1. A/N: Let me know if you want MORE!!

#laurel and hardy #stan laurel #oliver hardy #fanfiction

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ducktracy · 4 years

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56. bosko’s knight-mare (1933)

release date: june 8th, 1933

series: looney tunes

director: hugh harman

starring: carman maxwell (bosko), rochelle hudson (honey)

i wonder what this cartoon could possibly be about. as the title suggests, bosko dreams that he’s a knight in medieval times, but quickly realizes it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

this opening is almost exactly like the opening to an itch in time! bosko (elmer) is reading a book by the fire, lounging in his rocking chair, whereas bruno (whatever the dog’s name is in that cartoon) is asleep, waking up to scratch at a flea.

bosko excitedly tells bruno the story he’s reading about knights, but bruno is asleep. undeterred, bosko continues his read until the radio signals that it’s 8pm. he turns the channel and enjoys “knights are bold”, but falls asleep. listening to a song about knights and reading about knights, i wonder where this could possibly go. side note, i guess that’s carman maxwell voicing bosko? it doesn’t sound like johnny murray, and of course rochelle hudson is the only voice credit i’ve found. he sounds a LOT more like mickey mouse here, moreso than usual. pretty interesting, i wonder if he’ll always continue to sound like that? his voice seems to have been fluctuating as of late.

you guessed it. bosko dreams he’s a knight, perched on a gallant horse. he sings a few bars of “knights are bold”, later switching over to “young and healthy”. his faithful companion bruno is right behind him, also iron clad.

bosko approaches a castle, guarded by a moat. he does a yell (very similar to the one the hippo does in lady, play your mandolin!) and the drawbridge drops down for him. a looney tunes staple as various doors open to reveal the inside of the castle—and a trio of squires trumpeting a fanfare. their helmets snap shut in the middle of their blaring noise, and thusly cutting their trumpets in half. great gag of the squires playing on their broken trumpets, the sound tinny and high pitched.

eagerly, bosko and bruno cross the bridge, each doing a little dance. bosko slides out of his suit of armor to the tune of “shave and a haircut”, and barges in on the knights of the round table.

here’s somethint your math teachers and history textbooks don’t teach you: the knights of the round table were actually the marx brothers. huh! who’da thunk it? i love all of the anachronistic elements here—bosko’s jazzy dancing and singing and the inclusion of the marx brothers all in the medieval era. it makes the entire premise a lot funnier. the marx brothers sing, and there’s a great visual of two knights clinking their beer glasses together, the beer rising up in the air and then catching them with the next clink. there’s a great dancing sequence with “42nd street” blazing in the background. i love the overlay of bosko dancing and the knights dancing in the background! the quality of these cartoons has improved drastically, and will continue to do so! apparently, there was also a scene where laurel and hardy are there, too? research tells me it was cut in the 80s on nickelodeon for time, which is a bummer. i wish i could’ve seen it! maybe there’s another rip of it that has it.

in my last review, i joked about how we were overdue for a kidnapping. i spoke too soon. enter the villain, a dastardly knight singing “knights are bold” on his horse. he wants to woo a certain damsel, who happens to be honey. she’s having none of it, pooh-poohing him and griping “i don’t like that old meanie!” old meanie is the last straw for the knight, and he breaks a padlock with his teeth and breaks into her tower.

honey begs for help, and bosko stops his shindig to run to the rescue (along with his suit of armor, which he dives into). there’s a great shot of the villain climbing the stairs of the tower, and tiny little bosko squeezing in beneath his legs and beating him to honey. i have utmost respect for any animator who has to draw stairs—my condolences!

bosko tells the villain “stop, you mug!”, but to no avail. okay, quick ancedote. so i had talked about yesterday how in bosko’s picture show it sounds like he says “that dirty fuck!”, even though his lip movements say “mug”. i guess this solidifies that he really DOES say mug. it’s one of those things where if you think either of the words, you’re going to hear your desired outcome. how disappointing! i can always imagine.

anyway, the villain takes out a cigar and snaps bosko’s helmet shut on the tip, cutting it off. he then flips bosko’s helmet open like a lighter and lights it. that’s so creative and funny! something about cigars makes them inherently funny to me, especially when you have cute characters or babies chuffing on a big fat cigar. they just look funny to me. a higher air of authority than a measly old cigarette. my ability to find humor in everything comes in handy. the villain blows smoke in bosko’s face and puts him aside with ease.

once more does honey cry for help, but it’s too late. the villain snatches her up and jumps out of the window, aiming to land on his horse below. technically he does, but he drags the horse’s ass with him a few feet in the ground. nevertheless, the horse charges on, its now stretched out body carrying the kidnapper and his damsel in distress.

bosko charges after them via donkey, but a lake blocks their path. the donkey bucks him into the water, where his suit of armor turns into a submarine (brilliant!). he follows the villain to his own castle, perched on top of a mountain with a winding, twisting road. the castle, like all things in 30s cartoons, is sentient, using its drawbridge tongue to throw bosko inside. another great, dizzying stair shot of bosko chasing the villain up the stairs to his chamber.

in the safety of his own tower, the villain slams the door shut to keep bosko out. then, of course, bosko pops out from beneath his bed and shoots him! i love unprecedented gags like these. the villain rolls up his sleeve (which is metal—great gag) and socks bosko right in the face, knocking him unconscious. honey begs for him to wake up, caressing his face.

bosko DOES wake up, but to bruno licking his face instead. bosko bats him away and sleepily stumbles down the hallway in a fugue, stopped only by a suit of armor he just so happens to own. not wanting a repeat of his dream, bosko lets his grudge towards knights known as he uses the battle axe the knight is holding to smash it to pieces. iris out as he happily jumps into the comfort of his own bed.

when i first read the title of this cartoon, i didn’t have high hopes. i’m not a big medieval damsel in distress hero swoops in to save her kind of gal, but i’m actually pleasantly surprised! bosko was endearing as ever and the gags were creative and at their best. the animation was beautiful, from all the dancing scenes to chase scenes, and the music score only uplifts it further. i love the anachronisms in this cartoon (such as the marx brothers), it made it funnier and certainly appealed to the lunacy of looney tunes. overall, worth a watch! these bosko cartoons have been getting better and better, and i’ll be interested to see how the remaining few turn out (10 more reviews til our buddy buddy makes an appearance... the countdown begins).

link!

#lt #bosko’s knight-mare #reviews #long post #racism tw

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themcuhasruinedme · 5 years

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Vintage Film Fest (Pt. 1)

[Summary]: You and Steve have been dating for a while and you surprise him with a pair of tickets to a vintage film festival as an anniversary date

[Pairing]: Steve x reader

[Word Count]: 2,874

Tagging: @theashhole @dividedwecantfall @peterman-parker @avengerofyourheart @nataliarxmanxva @metalarmproblems @mcuimxgine @accio-rogers @imagine-assembling-the-avengers @that-sokovian-bastard @hellomissmabel @abovethesmokestacks @peculiar-persephone @bellameys @beccaanne814 @hymnofthevalkyrie @buckys-shield @callamint @redgillan @lancefvcker @thetalesofmooseandsquirrel @iwillbeinmynest @theassetseyeliner @lilasiannerd @aubzylynn @sgtbxckybxrnes @iamwarrenspeace @marvelrevival @httpmcrvel @avengersnthings @feelmyroarrrr @girl-next-door-writes @honey-bee-holly

A/N: Just taking a break from my Tony series cuz I hit a tiny bit of a wall with it... but this little gem decided to appear after I got done watching all of Laurel and Hardy’s shorts and movies (and because I have such a massive love for Old Hollywood films)... I encourage you guys to watch the movies and shorts I mention in this as they are all wonderful and amazing (heads up though: some of them are silent!) and all can be found on YouTube.

It had only been five months since you and Steve became a couple. The team had often wondered how you two had never met before since you both enjoyed pretty much the same things.

You did find it a bit odd that you never did run into him at the theater when it was doing a special showing of an “Old Hollywood” film because Steve and you enjoyed those very much. You also enjoyed listening to the music that he grew up with. There were so many things that you and Steve had in common that it almost seemed like you two were destined to be together.

As the six month anniversary of you two being together was coming up, you were trying to come up with something special for the two of you to do. And after endlessly scrolling through a google search of restaurants nearby, things to do in NYC and a list of “things to do on the weekend and staycations”, something caught your eye: Vintage Film Festival.

Getting a big smile on your face, you clicked on the link and started scrolling through the details. It read:

Join us for an exciting four day event! Our movies will range from old, silent films to early talkies, featuring the most well known acts from that era: Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd and comedy duo Laurel and Hardy. Come laugh, cry, smile and sing with your fellow “Old Hollywood” fans for an event to remember!

Schedule can be found here and movie times start at 4:00 PM (although we try to avoid changes, the schedule is subject to change)

You looked around the web page to see if you had to pay for it and sure enough, you did. After all, getting to have a four day event to see some of the most memorable black and white films couldn’t be free. But you were happy that it didn’t cost that much. For two tickets to all four days was only $100 a ticket. You bought them immediately and decided you were going to surprise Steve when they showed up.

You then clicked on the link for the schedule to see what was going to be played and your jaw practically hit the floor. You couldn’t believe how many amazing movies and shorts were scheduled to be shown; from Charlie Chaplin’s City Lights to Buster Keaton’s Cops, from Harold Lloyd’s Safety Last! to Laurel and Hardy’s Way Out West. Almost having tears come to your eyes, you quickly dabbed them away and closed your laptop while still having the biggest smile on your face knowing that you’d be spending four days with Steve and the best slapstick comedy movies and shorts to ever grace the planet.

The tickets arrived within a week and a half and you couldn’t be more excited to give them to him, you just had to find the right moment. You came up with a couple ideas. One that included you making a special dinner and hide them under his napkin. Another was still making the dinner and “pretending” to watch a movie together afterwards and at the end it told him about the tickets. Another was the simplest of all: just tell him you had a surprise for him and to cover his eyes and pull out the tickets. You decided to go with your first idea.

A few days later, you made a lovely dinner for the two of you and Steve was a little curious at first because you hardly ever made anything special unless it was for a reason. But he was still happy that you were making dinner and when he took the napkin off the table, he had to do a double-take.

He picked up the tickets and looked at them, slowly studying every word that was on them. He then looked up to see you smiling wide and holding out to him another piece of paper. He took it and started to read it. You watched as his eyes scanned the paper and as they went further, a huge smile appeared on his face.

“The Gold Rush, Safety Last!, Cops, Brats... Seven Chances... Way Out West... City Lights...” he said excitedly. “Hun, this is.. this is just... how did you find this?!”

“Well, since our six month anniversary is coming up I thought it would be nice to do something and when I was doing some searching for things to do, this caught my attention. I knew you’d be excited about it.”

“Yeah! These are like, some of the greatest movies and shorts there are! Especially Buster’s and Charlie’s!”

You smiled at him as you went around the table and sat in his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck and placing your temple against his as you both started at the paper.

“This is gonna be some six month anniversary then,” Steve said, still smiling.

“Mmhmm!” you giggled and placed a kiss on his forehead.

When the event finally arrived, the two of you couldn’t contain your excitement. You both had stayed up late the night before to watch other films and shorts by the actors on the list. Needless to say, there was a lot of laughing going on and you now loved and admired Buster Keaton even more.

After Steve parked the car and helped you out, he offered you his arm. You smiled, linked your arm through and placed your head on his shoulder as you made your way to the entrance of the theater. The man stamped your tickets and ushered you both in.

In the lobby you watched the video screen above the concession stand as Steve went to get popcorn and a few snacks. You watched as it played through clips of some of the movies you were about to see on the big screen and you couldn’t help but chuckle at a few and smile when you saw Buster show up.

Steve came back over with everything and you took a few things out of his hand and linked arms again with him as you two made your way to the screen room. Finding seats somewhere in the middle of the theater, you both plopped yourselves down and settled in for night one of your wonderful four night event.

As you waited for the movies to start, more and more people started showing up. You looked around and couldn’t believe your eyes! The place was starting get packed. It amazed you at just how many people there were that enjoyed these kinds of movies still. A few minutes more and the place had every seat taken. You saw parents with their kids, old couples, young couples and grandparents with their grandkids. It brought a huge smile to your face seeing that everyone was here to make memories with family.

Then the lights dimmed and everyone cheered and clapped, excited to start the first night of movies and shorts. You linked your arm through his and smiled at him when he placed his other hand on yours, giving you a quick kiss on your temple. He then placed his cheek on the top of your head as the film started.

The first film to kick of this four night event was The Gold Rush. You watched as they showed the travelers trudging through the snow and smiled as soon as you saw The Tramp wander on screen. With his cute mustache, that adorable walk and the things he did with that cane, you couldn’t help but just love this character that Charlie came up with.

The audience roared with laughter as The Tramp tried to leave a cabin in a storm but it kept pushing him back inside. And the laughter continued as you all watched The Tramp eat a candle in desperation as there was no food around the cabin. A few quiet somber moments happened before the theater filled with laughter again as The Tramp cooked one of his shoes to eat.

The laughter came and went as the film went on and when the most famous scene happened, which was the “Bread Dance” scene, the audience cheered and clapped when The Tramp had finished it.

A little later, the movie was over and the whole audience went wild with cheers. This was already starting off to be a great night. You looked at Steve, who was dabbing away some tears. He looked back at you with a smile as you gently dabbed away the tear stains on his cheeks.

“From laughing so hard or because of a beautiful ending?” you asked.

“More than likely both,” he chuckled.

There was a five minute break in between as the next one was getting prepared to play. Steve thought it would be a good time to use the restroom and get some more napkins for you two to finish the rest of the popcorn. Both of you had only gotten through half of it and had one box of candy emptied. Steve made it back with a minute to spare.

As soon as you heard the music start when the room went dark again, you tried not to jump out of your chair with excitement. Tugging on Steve’s sleeve, you whispered, “It’s Stan and Ollie!” When the word Brats came across, which was the title of the short, you smiled even bigger. “Oooooo! This is one of my favorites,” you whispered again to Steve.

You loved watching Laurel and Hardy. They were your favorite comedy duo. And did you have such a love for Stan! Not to say that you didn’t love Oliver but good gravy that Stanley. Between his accent, the adorable and often times hilarious, facial expressions (especially his smile), the way he mussed up his hair and his whine in times of trouble, there was nothing you didn’t love about Stan.

The theater was quiet until Stan said, “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” Everyone burst out laughing. The laughter kept going as Stan and Ollie tried to play a game of checkers and watch their kids (who they also played) but the kids kept causing trouble. And after the boys tell them to go to bed, hilarity still ensues with Stan and Ollie playing a game of pool and the kids still causing trouble.

The audience was still having roars of laughter when the kids started to accidentally overflow the bathtub, which then started to fill up the bathroom. And laughter still rang out when Stan and Ollie sang the kids to sleep. Even more rang out when Ollie opened the bathroom door, having all the water rush out into the room. As the short ended and the lights dimmed on for another five minute break, you went to the restroom and got a refill on your soda.

There were a few minutes to wait before the next short started. You looked over at Steve and smiled at him. He smiled back at you and wrapped his arm around your shoulder. “This is the best thing we’ve ever done. I couldn’t think of a more better way to spend our six month anniversary.”

You nodded in agreement and kissed him. “I sure hope they do this again. We might need to make this an annual thing if they keep it up.”

Steve chuckled. “We just might.”

The theater went dark once more for the next movie to start. And you couldn’t be more happy to see what it was. Harold Lloyd’s most famous film, Safety Last!. Sure it had great funny moments here and there at the beginning and middle but you were most excited about the part where Harold climbed up the side of the building and hung from the face of the clock. And when that scene finally happened, there were so many gasps and oh-no’s coming from the kids in every direction of the theater. And even though you knew that Harold was gonna be ok, you tensed up just a bit and held onto Steve’s arm just a little tighter.

Another five minute break happened after the movie was over. This break seemed to go by rather quickly and the lights soon went dark again and the next short started. You really had to contain your excitement when you saw it was one of your absolute favorite Buster Keaton silent shorts, The High Sign. You admired Buster quite a lot, especially his stunt skills. The man was in a league of his own when it came to the dangerous stunts that were put in his movies all because he did many of them himself, some of which could have killed him. And even though this short didn’t have anything dangerous in it, it still showed off his stunt skills quite a bit.

Laughs started already with the first title card: “Our hero came from Nowhere - he wasn’t going Anywhere and got kicked off Somewhere.” and continued when he jacked someone’s newspaper and opened it over and over, turning it into this humongous paper that practically swallowed him.

Quietness hung in the air as the audience watched him read a “Wanted Ad” for an expert shot at a shooting gallery and sneakily take a cops gun to practice with. Laughter erupted again as he tried to practice but was absolutely terrible at it. It slowly died down but picked right back up when Buster went to the shooting gallery and got scared so bad that it knocked him right off his feet.

It got quiet again, except for a few whispers here and there about the man that owned the shooting gallery. You heard a child behind you say to their parent, “He’s really mean looking. I don't like him.” You smiled softly, knowing that this man was the bad guy.

You heard some of the children gasp when it showed that the very tall man was the leader of a gang of bandits that was going to kill someone that day. But laughter rang out again while Buster made an invention using a stray dog and a bone to make it seem like he was a great shot, which made the very tall man believe that Buster was perfect for taking out the person.

It became quiet once again as the audience watched Buster get asked by the man that was going to be shot that day to be his bodyguard but then also be told by the very tall man afterwards that Buster was gonna be the one to kill the man. But the hilarity and laughter ensued once more when towards the end after tricking the bandits, Buster outwitted them using every secret passage in the man’s house.

The next break in-between movies was a bit longer so if people wanted to walk around for a bit to really stretch their legs after being in their seats for a few hours they could, along with letting moms take care of the little ones that they brought. You and Steve took turns going to the bathroom and getting refills. Both of you stretched a few times to wake up those sleeping muscles and then it was announced that the next movie was going to start in a few minutes to give people time to get back to their seats.

The lights went off one more time for the last movie of the night. Another early talkie short from Laurel and Hardy called They Go Boom started which was another favorite of yours.

Laughing started almost immediately when the audience heard Stan snoring and seeing the shade fly up after Ollie sneezed. It continued after Stan tied the shade down but flew up once again and fell off the window after Ollie sneezed, along with a picture that was hanging above the bed falling off and hitting Ollie on the head. The audience watched as Stan then tried to help Ollie get over his cold but things don’t go right at all as usual.

You heard some of the kids gasp when the landlord threatened to throw the boys out. Laughter rang out once more when Ollie accidentally overfilled the air mattress with gas and it raised the bed all the way up to the ceiling. The laughter was even harder, if that was even possible, when Ollie needed to sneeze which sent Stan into panic mode and the bed exploded also causing a hole in the room above them.

And as the screen faded to black the whole audience broke out into cheers and applause. Everyone started to then file out of the theater and out to their cars. You and Steve slowly walked to your car, your arm linked in his and your head on his shoulder.

“So, did you have fun?” he asked.

“Do you really have to ask?” you answered. “Besides, we have another three nights to go. I think that question would be best served at that point.”

You looked at him with a smile, knowing damn well that he wouldn’t even need to ask again. The two of you already knew that you would have the time of your lives with this. With one night of classics done, it was now onto night number two!

#avengers imagine #marvel imagine #steve rogers #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers x reader

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out-of-contxt-laurelxhardy · 5 years

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Pack Up Your Troubles

For Memorial Day, I've decided to give one of their movies about war buddies. Pack Up Your Troubles, one of my personal favourites.

Set during the in first World War and they are need of men for the effort, Stan and Hardy try to avoid getting found by the draft officer and try to fake no arm (but if they wanted to be skipped they should have just kissed in public and that would have made the army avoid them) but Stan being Stan ruins the gig by showing his arm that was supposed to missing thus shipping them off to training camp. They of course mess up a few times by not walking in order and sent to clean the garbage from the kitchen only to drop it in the commanding officer's house getting them and the head cook into jail. As the cook was threatening to kill the two he gets knocked out by the bench Laurel and Hardy are sitting on.

It skips over it and has them in the trenches, we're they meet the quick star of the movie. A man who's wife had a kid but she left him dumping the kid into a foster like home. He has to get his daughter once the war if done but he has a slim chance of getting her to his parents home to get her out of the home. The two try to ask her the address to the home to help him out but as they get the information they are called to fit and the man is taken prisoners by the enemy. Though not shown he is killed.

Once the war is over, Laurel and Hardy go to find the little girl and take her away from the home she's been staying at. It does get pretty dark at the moment with the family she lives with. The husband is a drunk and has an anger issue and the wife is also angry but she gets beaten by the husband in the other room making the little girl hide and cry wishing for her dad to come get her. The two show up at the door to fetch her but the man won't give her up and goes so far as to punch Hardy in the face twice before Stan gets involved and the two men essentially beat him up and his friends who he calls for help. And they run away with the girl.

The next time we see them, they're dressed in their normal attire but the little girl, who wore rags in the foster home is now wearing an expensive coat and dress, probably something her new 'parents' bought her. They walk down the street each holding a hand of the girl looking for her grandparents but it's a common last name of Smith so the search takes the span of the movie.

The two live together in a small apartment in a very domestic fashion. Hardy stays at home and takes care of the clothes and watches the little girl, who wishes Stan wouldn't find her real family and she hugs Hardy around the neck, you can see it kills Hardy to have to give her away when the time comes.

Stan is out looking for her family, he comes home and sits with her and listens to her story. It's a very touching moment in the movie as well as we see all of them living together. They had bought toys for her as well and a crib to sleep in. With what money they make from their small food truck they spent it on their, in a way, adopted daughter.

But they are not to be, as they did steal the girl from the foster home and are low on funds. The social worker is after them for taking the girl, they try to run out of town but the bank won't refund their loan they took for their food truck and they go to drastic measures to keep the girl safe, they steal money. Stan takes the cash and they run away from the bank. Being chased by cops and the social worker they take her and try to run.

They are ultimately caught by the cops and the money is taken back which was stolen, having to deliver it to the bank owner in person, the police take out the cash and the photo of the three of them with the man who was killed. The bank owner sees this picture and says that that's his son who was killed, the two men tell him that they have been looking for the little daughter's grandparents and they end up finding them. The police let them go and they are given jobs for the Bank owner but the cook from the army works for him as well and sees them and still wants to kill them so they run away.

Personally, the movie should have not found the grandparents for me. Them having the girl just seemed right, but it could have been to soon to see two men having a daughter as their own in the end. But it gave a glimpse into what it could have been like if they kept her. The movie did have them sleeping in a small bed together as well but mostly it spent on them being a family.

#stan laurel #oliver hardy #laurel and hardy #laurel x hardy #out of contxt laurelxhardy #out-of-contxt-laurelxhardy #my gifs #pack up your troubles #1932 #review 4

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svucarisiaddict · 5 years

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Betrayed Series- On Guard

//This will have two different ending. One happy, the other a little less so.//

“You didn’t have to bring me home, Sonny. My Mom and Amanda both offered,” you said as you unlocked the front door.

He followed you in the apartment and sat your purse and work bag down on the chair. “I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to.”

Your brow furrowed as you looked around the apartment.

Sonny caught your expression. “Oh yeah. I hired a cleaning company to come in and clean once a week at least until the baby is born. Hope you don’t mind. You’re supposed to be relaxing so...”

“No, not at all. That was a very thoughtful thing to do. Thank you.” You reached out to touch his hand giving him a kind smile.

Sonny cleared his throat. “So, Lieu said I could have a couple days off. Whatever you need I’ll be here. Well not here, here. I’ll still stay at Bella and Tommy’s-

“It’s okay if you stay here,” you interrupted. “I feel safer when you’re here.”

“It makes me feel better too.” Sonny clapped his hands together. “Now. You go take that shower you’ve been looking forward to and I’ll start dinner.”

The shower felt so good as the hot water cascaded over your body you didn’t want to get out. Knowing Sonny would want to shower before he went to bed you turned off the water and stepped from the tub. You put your hair up in a towel then dried yourself off. After slipping on panties and one of Sonny’s T-shirts you went to see if he needed help in the kitchen.

Sonny took a double take when you shuffled into the kitchen. “Still wearing my shirts, huh?”

“At this point, they’re basically all the sleepwear that fits,” you said and rubbed your belly. “Can I help with anything?” You peeked around Sonny where he was stirring the sauce for spaghetti.

“Just sit.” He pointed to the table and kissed your temple.

“This is so good. Thank you.” You dipped your bread in the last of the sauce and took a bite.

“My pleasure.” Sonny stood from the table and started clearing plates. “I’ll clean up dinner.”

“Let me help. I can rinse a dish you know.”

Sonny raised one brow at you and pursed his lips. “Not on my watch doll. You’re only job is taking care of you and our little girl.”

“Fine. Can I at least be trusted to pick out a movie to watch?” you huffed.

“Possibly,” Sonny responded with a wink.

After Sonny showered he sat on the opposite end of the couch. “Pretty in Pink?”

You shrugged your shoulders. “We are having a girl. Seems appropriate.”

Sonny rolled his eyes. “Seems like a stretch to me but whatever.” A smile played at the corner of his mouth.

You pushed yourself to a standing position. “Ice cream?”

Sonny stood as well. “I got it.”

Following him into the kitchen you watched as he took the ice cream from the freezer and got the scooper, bowls, and spoons down. You walked over and put your arms around his middle, your cheek resting in the middle of his back. “I don’t hate you Sonny. What I said last night I don’t mean it.”

His one hand covered both of yours. “You did at the time.” He laid the scooper down on the counter and turned to face you. This time it was Sonny who wrapped his arms around you.

“Yeah. You’re right I did.”

Sonny pulled you in for a hug. His phone dinged indicating a text message. He released you from the hug and picked up his phone. His brow furrowed. “I’ll be right back. Need to make a call.”

You nodded as he walked down the hall to the bedroom. Immediately your guard was up. Before the “almost cheating” he never took or made a phone call in private. “Who was texting him? Was is the girl he met undercover? That was dumb, she went to prison as well as her brother. Maybe he met someone else. The two if you were broken up after all. If he wasn’t trying to hide anything, then why didn’t he just make the call with you present?” you asked yourself and tried to reason. But your brain was having nothing to do with reason. Speculation, suspicion, overthinking, that’s what was happening right now.

You shook your head. You were being silly. There was a nagging thought in the back of your mind. When Sonny came from the bedroom he slammed the door startling you.

“I have to go for a little bit,” he announced. He had changed back into his suit. He tied up his shoes and slid on his coat.

“Where are you going?” you asked in a small voice. ‘Please let me believe him. Please tell the truth.’ you said to yourself.

“Work. Have to...tie up a few loose ends.” He gave you a tight smile. “Don’t wait up.” Then he was out the door and gone.

Wrapping your arms around yourself you looked around the apartment. Alone again. Story of your life the last few months. Going into the kitchen you started crying when you found the melted ice cream. “What a great way to end the day.”

At 11:00pm you heard Sonny come back. His footsteps were quiet with the floorboards creaking as he walked down the hall. He eased the door open allowing some light to come into the room. You heard him take off his clothes then move around the room. All the while you pretended to sleep. He didn’t have to know you stayed awake until he got home.

Sonny rounded to your side of the bed. He gently placed a hand to your belly. “Hey, there little girl it’s your Daddy. I’ve really messed things up but I’m going to fix them. I promise.” He leaned over and kissed your temple and whispered, “I love you, Y/N.”

Sonny was making breakfast when you got up the next morning. Bacon and Belgian waffles, your favorite. Sonny sat a plate in front of you. “Mornin’. Sleep okay?”

“I did.” Stabbing a piece of waffle you took a bite. “You must have got in late.”

“It was late. Around 11pm I think. Hope I didn’t wake you,” he said apologetically.

You shook your head as you stood to get a juice glass. “Hope the couch wasn’t too uncomfortable.”

“I made it work. Slept in far worse places,” Sonny commented. He sat across from you and started eating his breakfast. “So, what do you wanna do today?”

Plopping back down on your chair you shrugged your shoulders. “I dunno. I thought about working in the nursery. Nothing strenuous I promise,” you added when Sonny raised a brow. “The crib and changing table need to be assembled if you don’t mind.”

“I’m on it. Hey, I was wondering if you had thought about any names?” Sonny asked.

“A couple. You?”

“Same.” He grinned. “Wanna share or is it a secret?”

“You’re not going to like them,” you warned.

“Try me.”

“Okay Sierra, Everly, Laurel, and Maren,” you said. You watched his reaction.

Sonny nodded his head. “Laurel. As in Laurel and Hardy?”

You paused mid-bite. “That was my favorite.” An overwhelming desire to cry overtook and the tear floodgates opened.

“I’m sorry. What did I say?” Sonny stood and came over to put his arm around you. “Laurel is pretty. Kids aren’t going to know who Laurel and Hardy were.” Sonny gave you his handkerchief.

“It’s not the name. I don’t know what it is, just hormones I guess.” You dabbed your eyes with Sonny’s handkerchief.

“Are you sure?” He pushed a piece of hair from your face.

“Yep,” Giving him a weak smile you continued to eat.

Sonny's face appeared that he didn’t believe you, but he sat back down and continued eating.

“So. You have any names in mind?” you asked.

He smiled. “I have. Elizabeth, Julianna, Willa, and Ava.”

Raising your brows you were slightly surprised by his choices. “I like those. Let’s take a couple weeks to narrow down to our two favorites then pick.”

“Good plan. I’m going to get started on the crib.” Sonny placed both your plates in the sink and walked down the hall to the nursery.

A couple weeks later you decided to surprise Sonny at work and take him to lunch. You and Sonny had been working to rebuild your relationship. It was something you were struggling with to trust him again but things were getting better. The only people there were uniformed officers. “Hi. I’m looking for Sonny,” you said to the young cop.

“Your name?”

“Y/N. I’m his-”

He looked at your belly. “Mrs. Carisi? I didn’t know he was with anyone let alone married. He never wears a ring. He’s a great guy. Always so nice.”

You pursed your lips. The last thing you needed was someone fangirling over your less than moral fiancee, no boyfriend, baby daddy? Actually, you weren’t sure what you were anymore. “Yeah. He’s a great guy. Is he here?”

“No, he left a couple hours ago with a woman.”

“Did he say where he was going?”

The sound of Sonny’s laugh caught your attention. He was accompanied by a woman that you hadn’t seen before. She touched his arm. “You are going to be very happy you said yes. I’ll see you this evening. And thanks for the coffee.”

“No doubt. Thanks.” He waved to her as she left. When he turned to see you he smiled. “Hey. What are you doin’ here?”

“Thought we could grab some lunch before my check up but I just lost my appetite,” you snapped at him. Brushing past him you made your way to the elevator. You hit the down button repeatedly.

“Y/N. Where you’re you goin’?” Sonny asked when he caught up with you.

“Home.”

“Are you okay?” Sonny asked with a furrowed brow.

“Sure.”

“What’s with you today?” Sonny demanded.

“Nothing for you to worry about anymore. Go be happy.” You stepped on the elevator and watched as the doors closed on Sonny's confused face.

There was a knock on the exam room door. You plastered a smile in your face expecting to see your doctor. The smile fell when you saw it was Sonny. “What are you doing here?”

“Your appointment. I'm still her father no matter how much you may wish I wasn't,” Sonny retorted. “Did I do something to upset you today?”

“Who was the woman you were with earlier, Sonny? You smell like cigarettes by the way.”

He actually had the nerve to smile. “I smoke when I'm stressed. You know that. And that woman. I can explain. She's my-”

“Hey kids,” Dr. Wilkes said in greeting. He shook Sonny's hand. “How are you feeling today? Been taking it easy?”

“Feel really good,” you answered.

“Great. Let's get you checked out.”

After your appointment, you got dressed to find that Sonny was waiting for you in the lobby. You walked by him like he wasn't even there.

He followed you out of the building. “Y/N. Wait. Please. At least let me give you a ride back home,” he requested as he opened the door of the SUV.

“No thank you, Dominick. Kind of you to ask,” you said.

“Jesus, Y/N. Can you please give me a Goddamn break here?” Sonny asked in an exacerbated tone.

#betrayed series #sonny carisi #sonny carisi x reader #will have two endings #should be posted tomorrow...

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mojorising74 · 6 years

Text

I am a Monster. Let me tell you why.

So, I have had many people really want to know why I didn’t enjoy The Last Jedi and I’ve held back answering because the film is fresh and I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s experience. I did post a four word review of the film on Facebook (”That was... not good.”) and I was stunned to discover that this opinion was not a popular one. Literally stunned. So stunned I actually began to question my own thoughts on the film.

And taking some time away from the film and considering all the moments in the film I can recall, (I’ve only seen it once) I’ve decided to alter my review.

That was... really not very good.

So, here we go. I’m gonna break this down in the order as it was experienced by me. I’m not gonna go back and edit this, so I apologize for typos. But I really don’t want to spend any more time on this then I have to. This feels like my eulogy to Star Wars. And I don’t want to linger here.

First off, the opening crawl. This is a weird one, contested by many, except those in the theater with me. The crawl was slanted, drifting slightly off to the right of the screen. It was weirdly noticeable by everyone in my group. We were slightly off to the left of center in the audience, but measuring the distance at the top of the screen to the scroll on our side vs the distance on the other side made us feel really confident that that the scroll was in fact slanted. Like, Rian Johnson was putting his own slant on things (I see what he did there). Or maybe the projector was tilted. Either way, I missed the entire opening crawl because my brain opted to obsess over this detail. I’m willing to accept most of the responsibility here, but yeah. Slanted crawl pulled me out of Star Wars and made me think about how crawls were shot on a plate and how easy it would be to tilt the camera to give it a new cinematic flavor and blah blah blah. Basically the slanted crawl had no bearing on my overall enjoyment of the film, other than I had retained nothing from the crawl going in and the movie was going to have to stand on it’s own cinematically, with no summary backstory.

Good or bad, in the interest of full disclosure, I present this fact for your judgement.

Yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of review.

Right off the bat we get the first ESB call back of an evacuation shuttle leaving a planet while the First Order looms in the background. From the trailers, I’m already expecting an AT-AT walker snow planet battle, so immediately I’m put on the defensive that the film is not gonna learn from criticisms of The Force Awakens and is going to attempt a rehash of “greatest hit” moments from the greatest Star Wars film. George Lucas referred to this as “poetry” when he recalled certain elements in the prequels, saying “They rhyme.” The new films seem to be seriously leaning in to this theory, but it feels like fan service rather than nuanced storytelling.

I’m disappointed by this but it is in no way a deal breaker. Back to the movie.

Poe, by himself with no squadron waiting, decides to face off the First Order’s new weapon (The Dreadnaught) by flying his tiny x-wing to meet them. We are then subjected to a laurel and hardy routine sponsored by Verizon Wireless, where General Hux is made out to be a total buffoon and completely incompetent. (People will remember that one of everyone’s favorite part of the prequels was how the robot army was totally incompetent and easily out smarted by our clever heroes. Or, the opposite of that.)

But this scene also made me wonder about the intelligence of our hero as well. He flies out to meet the star destroyers and only then does he decide to charge up his boosters for his daring plan? “But Carl, he was playing it by ear!” No, the generals on the resistance ship clearly know what his plan is and disapprove. So, Poe actively decides to show up for this fight completely unprepared. But whatever. That’s a nit pick. I know that, but these things start to weigh on me. See, it wasn’t a story element that he needed more time to charge the boosters, it was a purposefully extended scene to stretch out a “can you hear me now” joke at the sake of plausibility.

Disagree with me? Think of the scene like this.

Hux gives his speech about how he will not take prisoners (instead of just shooting the guy out of the sky which would have delivered that message so much more succinctly).

Poe says his first line “I’m holding for General Hux.”

Hux looks confused for a moment, but quickly realizes he’s being played. “Blow him out of the sky!”

Cut to: Poe’s ship where his engine charge is ready and he blasts off and away.

All the same story beats with a quick, satisfying laugh that doesn’t stop the story or undermine the competency of the characters involved.

Speaking of competency, that brings up my next note. Poe is a fucking Mary Sue. Holy shit. The next sequence of Poe destroying ALL but one of the cannons recalls one of my least favorite moments in Force Awakens. That one shot where Finn is watching Poe fly around bulls-eyeing something like NINE tie fighters and several ground troops without even breaking a sweat. It sets up this ridiculous expectation, that either Poe is that much better than everyone else in either the Resistance or First Order, making everyone else depressingly bad at their jobs, or him impossibly good. Either way, it’s lazy story telling.

We’ve seen good pilots in both of the previous trilogies, all of them having force powers to help them fight at elevated levels, but I’ve never felt, watching any of the other films, that one pilot was enough to single handedly sway any battle. Battles in the previous films always felt epic and sweeping. Poe feels like an OP video game character. The kind that inspires patches to reduce his power because he kills the fun of playing the game and takes away the sense of menace from the foes he faces.

So, we’ll skip the next few nit picks; (bombs “falling” in “space”; why are space bombers slow when there is no gravity or atmosphere? Why are bomb bays triggered by a single button garage door opener? Why would you waste bombers on a mission that clearly calls for a missle or.. an unmanned vehicle blasting into hyper space? We’ll get to that later cuz holy fuck.)

I want to point out that I’m getting nit picky at this point, but watching the film, I have NOT checked out. Still engaged. Still excited. There is some Star Wars shit happening and I am in for the ride! Woo hoo! Snoke is pissed and is gonna murder the fuck outa that buffoon Hux for letting the Resistance escape into hyper space.

So, the rebels come out of hyperspace and Leia casually mentions that she has a tracking device to help Rey find her way home.

LITERALLY MOMENTS LATER, the First order leaps out of hyper space and everyone starts screaming “They tracked us some how!” My brain, which has been literally processing story elements that are fed to me as they are fed to me immediately makes the connection between the First Order tracking the Resistance and the bracelet on Leia’s arm. Those mother fuckers are tracking that shit, and that means they can also find Rey, which means Rey and Luke are in danger as well. Hux even says “We have them tied to the end of the line.” And this is further cemented as what is happening when Snoke suddenly forgives Hux like he’s the best general who ever lived. Like maybe he just explained to Snoke that they found the tracking signal and he’s about to serve up Luke Motherfucking Skywalker.

Except, that’s not what happened. What actually happened is that the First order had finally perfected some 50 year old Imperial technology that was briefly mentioned in Rogue One. Hux didn’t have a clever plan that pleased Snoke. He had some technology. Technology that Snoke would have already known about. Snoke sent Hux back to work like he nailed it, when he should have been like “You fucking idiot, you are the luckiest son of a bitch in the world that you completed that technology cuz we should have finished these guys already. I’m taking a body part. Get back to work.”

And the secret space tracker that Leia had? Didn’t need it. Finn steals it briefly in a cowardly attempt to save the girl he has a crush on, But other than that, it has almost no bearing on the story. Rey uses her connection to Kylo to fly back and surrender to him. The tracker was only used as a plot device to introduce Rose, and to show Finn in a most unheroic light. Again. A familiar bell rang many times in The Force Awakens.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, because the best moment in the movie happened before this and I want to talk about it.

Kylo and the first order have caught the resistance with their pants down and they are fucking shit up. Kylo cruises in on the lead cruiser, aims at the bridge, and suddenly senses his mother standing there. Overcome with emotion, Kylo realizes that he can’t kill his mother. That doing that would mean there is no chance for his redemption. And he CHOOSES TO SPARE HER LIFE!

But oh shit, two other fighters are cruising with him and they dont hesitate to fire on the bridge. There is an explosion and Leia is sucked out into space.

Ladies and gentleman, this was possibly the greatest moment in Star Wars history. Leia was dead. Her death had powerful meaning. In the moment of Kylo’s redemption, he has it stolen away by others. His path to forgiveness destroyed. He will never be forgiven by the other characters in the film. he is doomed to fight as evil because the forces of good will give him no quarter for killing their general. He is a cursed man. His guilt will know no bounds.

I sat there in the cinema, speechless. Completely destroyed emotionally, openly weeping. Carrie Fisher leaves the film, her character arc complete, her death a meaningful and truly shocking moment in the film. Absolutely stunning.

And then she opens her eyes. And I start crying for a different reason. She holds out her hand and force pulls herself to safety, ignoring the other heroes on the bridge who were also blown out into space. She chooses to use her magic powers to save herself and let everyone else die.

Like a fucking hero.

I was stunned at how terrible this moment plays on screen. Truly stunned. Leia had literally just given a speech on how soldiers die heroes but never commanders. Her first chance to put her money where her mouth is, she ignores her own advice and saves her own skin instead.

This also gave me the stunning revelation that Leia would not be dying in this film, because as bad as Rian Johnson is at Star Wars, he’s not so bad to miraculously save a character only to kill her off later because her epic heroic death is still waiting in the wings. Knowing that Carrie Fisher had died made me feel like her character would never get the incredible exit from the saga that was just missed in the preceding opportunity. Princess Leia will die off screen between films. Or she will be digitally reincarnated. But neither of those things serve her memory or her character. The Force Awakens had a lot of missed opportunities, but none of them like this missed moment here.

Meanwhile Rey is trying to convince Luke Skywalker to come back and he insists that he has no intention of ever returning. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE A MAP TO WHERE YOU WERE HIDING? WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!

While we’re here, Chewie eating Porgs while they gather around him to ponder the deaths of their kin is nothing less than horrifying. These creatures are sentient and aware they are bing eaten, and instead of running for their lives, they stare sadly at the creature eating them. These creatures are not long for this world. This is my only note on Porgs.

They’re... fine.

Also, ghost Yoda can shoot lightning bolts? Is that something they could always do? Why the fuck are we fighting a war when theres an army of lightning powered ghost warriors wandering the cosmos. Hey Ghost Yoda why don’t you make yourself useful and ghost your way into a star destroyer and lightning the fuck out of power core?

Ghost Yoda shooting lightning fundamentally breaks Star Wars.

Moving on...

Seriously. We’re just getting started.

Back at the resistance, Finn has decided to sneak off the cruiser with Leia’s bracelet. Now, remember, at this point in the film, I’m still thinking the bracelet is the way the First Order is tracking the resistance. The whole “they must be tracking us through hyper space” plot line feels super thin and the only thing holding it to reality is a passing reference in a film that takes place roughly 50 years before this one. Remember, there is literally no reason, that I as a casual movie goer, should think that the First order has in fact figured out this new tech and are not following this bracelet instead. Nothing about Snoke’s response or Hux’s response suggest this is the case.

So, I’m thinking, fuck yeah. Finn has figured this out, and he’s gonna try and lure the First Order away by pretending he’s Princess Leia. Like a hero. This is gonna draw the First Order off the Resistance and put Finn in a lot of danger. Danger that’s gonna get super cool when Rey follows the beacon home and discovers her friend captured by storm troopers! What a crazy action packed reunion that’s gonna be!

Oh wait. Finn is sneaking off to lure Rey away from the First Order, so the two of them can be together after the resistance is destroyed, or something. Like a... hero? Is this really the conclusions a hero comes to? I mean, i get it, the movie calls him out on this, but like, didn’t we already do the “Finn is running away” plot line in the last movie? Didn’t we already resolve that he’s not a coward and willing to fight for what’s right? He knows Rey won’t be cool with this move. What the fuck is he doing? WHAT THE FUCK!

Ok, so, he tells Rose what he was really up to, and she magically understands the quantum mechanics of tracking a ship through hyper space. Finn and Rose, the janitor and the repair girl, within moments of being presented with a problem come up with the most far fetched solution that could possibly be, WHILE IGNORING THE MOST OBVIOUS PROBLEM IN THEIR HANDS (I mean honestly, even if someone had briefly looked at the tracker and said “What about this”, followed by a quick explanation and I could move on, but in the 2 1/2 hour run time there just wasn’t enough time to address this obvious plot hole).

So, Finn, Poe and Rose decide to disobey orders and embark on a mission after being told that there is only one man in the galaxy that can hack into a first order star destroyer. This man, will be identifiable by his flower pendant. That he always wears. At all times. So he can be identifiable. To people sent to him to hack secret codes. You know, just in case. Also he is always at the high stakes gambling tables. Not eating. Not reading the paper in his apartment. He exists in a constant state of high stakes gambling.

Sigh. Fine. Let’s go find this guy.

Finn and Rose leave in a shuttle and are immediately identified as a shuttle leaving the ship by the First Order but they are told to ignore the shuttle and to continue chasing the main ships. This scene is really fucking important for later on in the movie so let me reiterate on this point: A shuttle left the resistance ships and was immediately tracked and identified by the First Order. Yeah, you know where I’m going with this, but let’s just leave it here in your fucking brain for a minute, the way it sat in mine for the rest of the movie.

So, now we get a weird story arc for Rose. Rose hates everyone who lives in this city. Why? Did she live here? No. She was a slave growing up in a mine somewhere else. But rich people who live in this city built weapons from stuff the slave children mined so fuck this town and everyone in it.

This,’rich people were mean to me so I hate all rich people’ storyline feels like a super weak attempt to make a political statement about classism and suggests that future Star Wars films are going to be about the poor people rising up and defeating the elitists who are literally getting rich off of watching us kill each other. This is a clumsy metaphor for what’s happening in the world. (It also completely ignores that this city is also home to the sometimes lover of one of our main resistance heroes, so maybe not everyone is so bad?)

But fine. Clumsy metaphor. Poor people good, rich people bad. Got it.

Rose and Finn find the man they are looking for but are immediately arrested and thrown in jail. The absolute worst jail in movie history. First off, they are locked up together. But not only together, with a third person. A magic person who claims (and actually does) he has the exact skills the duo is looking for. Skills our characters have been told do not exist outside of the man with a flower on his coat.

This new man breaks them out of jail with items he snuck in (deus ex incompetence), only to discover that BB-8 has already dispatched the guards and was literally moments away from rescuing them himself. I point this out because none of the suspension of disbelief required above was necessary to get out of the situation. The movie just did it. Inexplicably. Just crammed in a moment to waste our time.

Which I suddenly realize is a recurring theme in the film. Cramming in moments that have no bearing on the story to fill time.

Fine. They escape. But they do not try to reconnect with the guy they saw at the casino. They instead decide to scrub the mission and head back. I’m weirdly on board with this because this whole plan was incredibly contrived from the beginning. Anything to get back to the story at hand.

But this new person they met in jail just keeps forcing himself on them, rescuing them at the last moment from... I’m not sure what. Going back to terrible jail? It’s not hard to break out of. They’ve already decided to leave the planet empty handed so, I’m not really sure what the stakes are for this camel cat chase scene are supposed to be. Like, it seems to be a crazy desperate escape from being temporarily hindered. Whatever. All your friends are dying in the slowest chase scene across the galaxy ever, but this action packed chase scene has almost zero stakes. Think about where you’re investing your story moments, people.

Shake it off, there is still a lot of movie to get through, but at this point, the movie is actually working against me.

Ok, so Finn and Rose escape the gambling city, leaving the slave children to be whipped and beaten for their participation in the escape, and all of the camel cats are immediately round up and returned to the stables, to be also whipped and beaten for running away. (This is proven fact when we revisit the children later on and find them still working in the stables, sweeping straw. If the camel cats were still gone, there would be no need to tend the stables and we already know the slavers are not opposed to beating the children or the camel cats.)

But hey, none of that matters cuz “Game on!” We have a hacker! Who claims he can do the thing. With zero credibility or references. But by god, this is our only hope. Cool. Lets break into a star destroyer.

I wanna pause here to point out there is a storyline happening between Kylo Ren and Rey that is STUNNINGLY good. Like it’s happening in a different movie. It’s layered and nuanced and tragic and heartfelt. Love love everything in this storyline up to the point that Kylo Ren pulls a Homer Simpson trying to murder his omnipotent son, Bart, in that one Tree House of Horror episode just before Bart turns him into a jack in the box.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4T8x7T4Vao

Kylo Ren is moderately more successful then Homer and manages to kill off Snoke by cutting him in half with my favorite move from the Star Wars video game. And then comes the dance fighting ninja guards who are TERRIBLE at their jobs. Just terrible. There’s no other way to explain what happened to human resources. The outcome of what happened in that room is going to reflect very poorly on the Royal Guard.

But the movie insists I need to watch the Rose Finn stuff so it sends me back to them sneaking onto the star destroyer, where they are immediately identified by an astro mech who spots BB-8.

Moments later they are caught by the First Order, but BB-8 is not captured. Even though he is with them and was the reason they were caught in the first place. Somehow, he isn’t captured with them. the movie suggests it’s because he is hidden under a box, but the Star Mech saw him through the box and the astro mech is present for the capture, but has now apparently forgotten about BB-8.

Sure. Fine. Moving on.

Now, I forgot to mention something because during the throne room fight, the movie felt like it was winding down, but I remembered from the trailer that Captain Phasma still hadn’t shown up in the movie and was getting worried that Phasma might be under utilized in this storyline (unless there was some big reveal coming up that totally legitimized her involvement in the film. Spoiler alert: there isn’t.)

Seriously, why is Phasma in your movies? Are you trying to make a statement about Boba Fett? That the only thing a villain needs to become iconic is a cool costume? Is this a bet you guys made with the original trilogy guys?

So, Phasma shows up, escorts the prisoners to the hangar (not the brig) in order to immediately execute them. Not interrogate them. Not hold them prisoner. “But Carl, they knew Finn and Rose would never talk so no need to question them! Also, the hacker already told them everything they wanted to know.” Ok, first, hacker John only told the First order about the ships sneaking off the spaceship. Information he was only privy to because he was allowed to be a part of a top secret mission briefing by Poe leading a mutiny against Laura Dern. And also, master interrogator Kylo Ren is on this ship. He can mind rape these kids and get all their secrets. There is NO WAY execution is the next step in the plan. Zero chance.

Hang on. Hold up. Let’s talk about Laura Dern who has picked the absolute worst teaching moment that any officer could choose. The resistance is in tatters. The main general is in a coma. Your captains are going down with their ships one at a time. DON’T BE COY WITH THE DETAILS WHEN DEALING WITH YOUR BEST PILOT!

Also, what the fuck is up with your hair and wardrobe? Purple hair? That’s it? You were like “Space movie lady? Purple hair, right?” and everyone was like “Sure. That sounds right.” Lazy lazy lazy.....

Whatever.

So, Phasma is gonna execute these fools but KABOOM! and Phasma and her troops disappear. Finn is surprised by this and decides to make his escape. But then suddenly out of the smoke comes (wait for it) CAPTAIN PHASMA!

Wha...? Where did she go? Did they all run off for a second and then suddenly go “Wait. Did we kill those guys? Do you guys remember why we came in here? Fuck. Lets go back and kill those guys before we leave. We got the order all mixed up again.” Just... baffling. They jettisoned her out of the scene, just so she could reenter the scene dramatically. Just because the shot of her coming out of the smoke looked cool. That’s it.

So, now Finn and Phasma fight. And the backstory between these two characters is thick, and by thick I mean, non-existent. Nothing feels earned in this battle, including Phasma’s incredibly lack luster “death”. So, Finn the janitor lucks into victory against the hardened warrior... again.

Man, have we ever seen Finn win a fight in these movies? Have they been trying to sell us an incompetent hero? What exactly has Finn done to help the resistance in either of these films? Is Finn the worst character in Star Wars? Talk amongst yourself.

But before you do, I want you to consider one thing. After watching the film, I was pretty vocal about how Finn, Rose and Poe’s plan did absolutely nothing to affect the outcome of the film. Their adventure was completely pointless.

But I was wrong. They did cause one thing.

On the Resistance ships, 30 evacuation shuttles are slipping away, under the assumption that the First Order won’t be able to see the shuttles. This is a stupid plan, especially since the movie goes out of it’s way to explain that the First Order can ABSOLUTELY track shuttles flying away. (Editor’s note: its been pointed out to me that the shuttles were using cloaking technology, cloaking technology that the First Order had no problem seeing past, simply by possessing the knowledge that it existed. Lazy lazy lazy...)

But let’s buy into this. The resistance is escaping, and Finn, Poe and Rose have handed a traitor over to the First Order and directly caused the deaths of 23 of the 30 ships flying away. Two thirds of the survivors were killed because Finn, Poe and Rose didn’t follow orders.

Now, this is fucking dark. Holy shit, hubris killed the resistance.

But in the next scene, Poe is leading the goddamn charge against the walkers.

YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT. You disobeyed orders that killed off almost 300 of the remaining 400 soldiers. You are summarily executed. Not the hero of the final battle. After Poe and Finn’s bullshit, the entire resistance can fit in the goddamn Millenium Falcon.

These characters are not heroes.

So, lets skip over the nit picky shit (Finn can suddenly fly a ship? When did he learn? He’s been in a coma since the last movie and one of the main plotlines of the last movie circled around Finn not being able to fly a ship. Why drop a battering ram so far away from it’s target? Why not blast the base from space?)

So, then Luke Skywalker shows up and fools everyone into believing he’s actually there, when he isn’t. It’s magic and shit. No one can touch him. (Except we’ve already established that you can indeed touch him through the void, but Nvmnd).

This scene is annoying for two reasons. One, it’s lame. Two, the director went through so many lengths to set this up. He showed a shot of Rey looking at a drowned x wing, so when Luke shows up magically at the end of the movie, folks are like, “He must’ve force lifted the x-wing out of the water and flown it here.” It was such an easy head fake explanation that utilized information the audience knew from past movies along with necessary story elements to make something believable.

There are so many head scratchingly stupid moments in this film, that it absolutely stuns me this much thought went into this sequence. To maintain my suspension of disbelief in this moment, the director offered a single well thought out visual to sell Luke’s silly plan to the audience.

So that tells me that the filmmakers were perfectly capable of taking moments established in previous films and building on them smartly. They just... didn’t.

It’s like when my teacher would give me lower marks then the rest of the class, not because my paper was worse, but because I was capable of so much more. Yeah, it seems unfair, but fuck you. Life isn’t fair. You get to direct endless Star Wars movies for the rest of your life. Try not to piss in my mouth while you do it,

Which brings me to my final example of why this movie completely fails. Laura Dern decides to save the resistance by launching a ship into hyper space directly into the main star destroyer.

Are you serious? Has this always been an option? It literally destroyed the ship with the hyper space tracker. All of the other ships could have escaped if that first bastard who went down with his ship would have done this. Every death star could have been destroyed with a single freighter. Holy shit, we could build a canon that shoots things at light speed and destroy everything.

If this has always been an option, it’s ridiculous that it is only thought of now.

Also, if the First order only has one ship that cant track the resistance ships, why not just everybody scatter into hyper space in every direction? They can’t follow everybody. if 10 ships are left, 9 get away. there are literally dozens of different ways to get out of this situation that even the most inexperienced leader could have sussed out, other than abandoning ship to everyone’s immediate execution.

Heroes are supposed to be great. There are no great heroes in The Last Jedi.

So that’s it. Not a good movie. Soup to nuts an utter failure. On par with the worst of the prequels. And once everybody has had a little time away from the film, you’ll all agree with me. Just like you all loved the prequels for a little while, until some sober son of a bitch walked up and pointed out a few failings.

And then the whole goddamn thing comes tumbling down.

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