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#scene where 10 says padme's name without it having been mentioned to him and him having to explain that is gonna be fun to write though
the10thdoctor · 3 years
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//.......i really regret writing this fic from the pov of the fandom i’m not as familiar with because i’m a little worried that when i post it someone’s gonna get mad at me because i get something wrong idk would it be possible for someone to run from where the jedi interrogate people to where obi-wan’s room is or what
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kenobiapologist · 3 years
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Star Wars Novel Rankings
In celebration of the end of this year, I made a tier list of all of the Star Wars novels I’ve read since I joined this fandom in 2017 (which you can use to rank these books too). And I named all the tiers in a dorky but appropriate fashion. I would love to hear your thoughts on my rankings, as well as how you’d rank the books yourself! I’ve had a blast reading Star Wars novels from both Disney’s canon and the Legends extended universe over these past 3 years. Here’s to many more years of reading stories from the galaxy far far away! 
I put longer (but not more coherent) thoughts below the cut.
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The Chosen One: Bringing Balance to the Force and My Depressed Soul
1. The first spot of top tier had to go to Matthew Stover’s Revenge of the Sith novelization for obvious reasons. You simply cannot beat it. It’s a masterpiece. I literally had to put the book down to scream when I read the prose associated with the opening battle over Coruscant. It gave a whole new meaning to the triumphant music and the synchronous twirling of Obi-Wan and Anakin’s starfighters as they weave through blaster-fire in the battle over Coruscant. The rest of the book is the same way. You can’t put it down. I have wAyyYyYy too many feelings about this book oh my god.
2. Thrawn was a surprising book for me. For being centered on an admiral of the Empire’s navy, it had so much heart in it! I loved reading from Eli Vanto’s perspective too. god dammit I love that freaking Wild Space hillbilly dweeb with all my heart. I think his experiences getting to know Thrawn and learning from him guides the reader to feel much the same way as Eli by the end. Thrawn is a trusted friend, not the enemy you expect him to be. I could have done without Arihnda Pryce but she’s supposed to be unlikeable so I won’t blame Timothy Zahn this time.
3. The Clone Wars Gambit duology is basically Karen Miller writing fanfic and I’m HERE FOR IT. As is tradition with Karen Miller’s Star Wars novels, the emotions are dialed up the eleven. Our favorite dumbass Jedi team is back at it again with a mission to save the galaxy and this time they end up going undercover as two lumberjacks from the boonies. Anakin holds an energy shield back from collapsing with his bare hands like a total badass. Obi-Wan is in love with another woman despite it always ending in tragedy, while also bickering like a married couple with Anakin every ten seconds. get a fucking room, you two. These two books inspired one of my fics so they’re near and dear to my heart.
Jedi Master: These Books Have A Seat On The Council Too
4. Wild Space was appropriately named, I’ll tell you that. It’s a wild ride from start to finish. *slaps the front cover* this book can fit so much of Obi-Wan’s suffering in it! @forcearama has elaborated on the many reasons why this book is a gem in Snark Wars blog posts (linked here). It’s also the beginning of the best team-up since Anakin and Obi-Wan...Bail and Obi-Wan! These two bastards get under each other’s skin but it makes for the perfect character development. This book is the reason I screech with delight whenever Bail Organa appears on screen, or is mentioned in conversation. Bail gets a mysterious tip about trouble on a planet, and Obi-Wan decides to go with him to investigate. Cue Sith-induced suffering. It’s cool to see a normal person experiencing the weirdness of Force sensitives and how the world has this extra level of sensory information in it. Plotwise this one isn’t the best, but I think the interactions between characters really shine in this novel. Karen Miller’s writing is like a cup of hot chocolate to me. Indulgent character insight, full of sweet moments, has a bunch of extra marshmallowy dialogue, you’re reading it to have a good time but not to be satisfied with plot. You get me?
5. Do I even have to explain myself here? Kenobi by John Jackson Miller is both an interesting western-style tale set on Tatooine, and a beautiful character study of a man stricken with grief he keeps suppressed. How does one continue on when their whole family was murdered and their whole culture burnt to ash? I wanted to give Obi-Wan a hug the entire time I read this. The characterization was spot-on, from the way he wrangled animals to the way he severed a man’s arm off in a bar with his lightsaber. And when he meets a woman named Annileen Calwell, or Annie for short, Obi-Wan can’t bring himself to call her by her nickname ever and if that doesn’t just break your damn heart fucking fuck.
6. Ahsoka was the first Disney canon book I ever read and it kickstarted my love for E.K. Johnston. The writing is simplistic, but that makes it easy to jump into. Overall, it’s a quick and enjoyable read. By far the best parts are the flashbacks that mull over memories Ahsoka has of the time before Order 66. That shit hits you right in the heart, man. And the part where Ahsoka equates Obi-Wan and Anakin to her adoptive family ohhhhhhh god the tears they flow like a river. There are scenes that allude to Ahsoka becoming the vital part of the Rebellion we know her to be from Rebels, balanced with her current struggles to survive and find herself. Despite having cast away her identity as a Jedi and having any remaining bits of her culture destroyed by Palpatine, Ahsoka shows us all how bright a hero can shine in the darkest of times. AND SHE WAS WRITTEN AS QUEER! finally some good fucking food.
7. Oh shit, another E.K. Johnston book? Don’t be surprised. She’s a prequel fan and so am I, hence why Queen’s Shadow is so high on the list. E.K. Johnston pays homage to our favorite queen and badass senator Padme Amidala. There’s politics, there’s solidarity between female characters, and Bail Organa is in it so you KNOW I simply must give it a high rating. All jokes aside, I thought the story added lots of little details to the world of Star Wars without it being all stereotypical sci-fi nerdy language. You know how people want to describe something beyond our technological capabilities so they throw a bunch of nonsense together like “pre-praxis crystal bio-anode circuitry”? I’m looking at you, Karen Miller, I love you but please. There is none of that in this book. It makes sense, it adds color and culture and life to the worlds of Star Wars. Most of all, it devotes time and love to developing Padme outside of her place in canon as Anakin’s wife, Queen of Naboo, and Senator. She is all of these things, but she’s human too. I do agree that the pacing is slow, but it’s something meant to be savored, I think. E.K. Johnston really shines when she’s writing dialogue because she gets these characters. That’s something to appreciate, because not all canon books agree with the way we’ve perceived the characters as an audience.
8. Rogue Planet chewed me up, spit me out, and declared me an even bigger stan for The Team. People who say Qui-Gon would have been a better master for Anakin can ~get out~ because I could read about these two hooligans getting neck deep in space shenanigans all damn day. Anakin is like twelve, which is a time in his training that we don’t get a lot of in canon. Personally, I think it was equal parts heartwarming and funny to read about their adventures. There is some angst sprinkled in there because hey, we’re reading about Anakin here, let’s not forget the emotional trainwreck that is Anakin Skywalker. The duo is sent to a planet that makes super fast ships that are ?sentient? or at least biologically active. They bond with the pilot, which makes Anakin perfect for this mission. There’s a scene where these little floof things attach all over tiny Anakin because he’s so strong in the Force and it’s god damn adorable how dare he?? I’d probably rate this one even higher if I read it again, but it’s been awhile. Characterization is spot on and reminiscent of Matthew Stover’s writing in how it highlights the strong bond between Obi-Wan and Anakin, how they’re fated to know each other. I’m a sucker for soulmates, what can I say? 
9. Lost Stars reads like a movie. Not a script, but just the perfect amount of detail that you can imagine the scenes but the pacing is still quick, the dialogue smooth and natural. I couldn’t help wishing this was a film because the story was so all-encompassing. The highs and lows of the emotions of both protagonists, their relationship developing, the differences in culture. Folks, this book has it all! It’s a totally different perspective on the events of the original trilogy, seen from the side of Imperial cadets training to become pilots. Eventually, one splits off and joins the Rebellion while the other perseveres in the Empire. It’s like star-crossed lovers, but covers so much more ground than that. And the characters are fully developed. These original characters knocked my socks off, and that’s hard to do since I’m usually an Obi-Wan stan through and through. For anyone uncertain of reading Star Wars novels, this book is a great place to start. Action-packed, emotion-filled, and stands on its own despite weaving perfectly into the established universe. What more could you want?
10. Back at it again with the prequel shit, amiright? Queen’s Peril is E.K. Johnston’s most recent Padme-centric novel and it does not disappoint fans that wanted a taste of the Queen’s side of the story. Set during the events of The Phantom Menace, we get a “behind the curtain” look at how all of the handmaidens came to be more than their title suggests. There’s teenage girls getting stuff done! It makes more sense why Padme was elected ruler of her home-world, and you come to appreciate that a royal leader is not alone; there’s actually a whole team at her side to help her overcome everything from the drudgery of daily governing to Trade Federation blockades that threaten to starve her people. I think if you enjoyed Queen’s Shadow, you’ll enjoy this book a lot. For those that are unfamiliar with Johnston’s work, I wouldn’t recommend this one first because it does cover events you’ve already seen in movies and therefore is a less suspenseful companion to them. On the other hand, because it does tie in with TPM, it doesn’t suffer from the pacing issues of Queen’s Shadow to the same degree. I read this all in one sitting, so it’s definitely fun, but wasn’t compelling enough in its character development to elevate the book past some of the others I’ve listed already.
11. Thrawn: Treason was a refreshing return to the Grand Admiral we all know and love after the second installment in this series slowed things down a bit. Although it wasn’t as character-driven as the first book (which I love with all of my heart), there were still many moments that had me cackling at the disparity between Thrawn’s immense intellect and the other Imperials’ sheer stupidity, and that’s what we’re here for in a book about the Empire, right? There’s a lot of pressure on Thrawn, as his TIE Defender project has been pitted against Director Krennic’s Project Stardust. Who will get the funds? We just don’t know?? Tarkin sits in between the two and as usual, manipulates everything to his advantage. Palpatine questions Thrawn’s allegiance to the Empire after some of the choices he has made, leaving him in even more of a pickle. Thrawn is sent on a wild goose chase task that should definitely end in failure (on purpose because Imperials all want to watch each other burn as much as they want to watch the Rebellion burn), but you know Thrawn will find a way. My main squeeze Eli Vanto makes his return after being absent from book 2. Missed you, my sweet sweet country boy. He doesn’t have a leading role in this novel, but every scene he’s in makes the story better. Thrawn says “perhaps” way too often for my taste, but if you can ignore that, this book is a solid read. Equal parts action and deductive reasoning, as any Thrawn book should be.
12. Most of Dark Disciple had me thinking this was going to be a top tier book, and damn do I wish we could have gotten this animated. We follow Quinlan Vos and Asajj Ventress on a mission to assassinate Count Dooku. Why the Jedi thought this was a good idea, I don’t know. But I’m here for it all the same. 3/4 of the adventure were intriguing, but the ending didn’t do it for me. I won’t spoil things for anyone who hasn’t read this yet, but after all of the character development, to have it squandered so quickly just left me disappointed? I got really attached to everyone in this novel, and I’m sure you will to. I’ve read this and listened to it as an audiobook, and actually I think it’s more memorable as an audiobook. Would recommend, except for Mace Windu’s voice being exceptionally southern for no reason. Weird. I think this novel captures all of the great things about The Clone Wars show; time to really get to know each character and their motivations, action and adventure with the darkness of impending doom tinting everything, and lightsaber fights! Plus, Obi-Wan and Anakin make appearances in this book and it just adds that extra bit of spice. Worth the read, even if you know they aren’t going to get Dooku in the end (which I am still mad about, screw that guy).
Jedi Knight: Passed the Trials but There’s Room for Improvement
13. Few books in the Star Wars universe are centered around characters with no use of the Force, but in Most Wanted, we see a young Han Solo and Qi’ra struggling to survive on Corellia and it provides a humorous but compelling backstory to both characters in the Disney canon. Han is his usual lucky goofball self, and Qi’ra is smart and cunning. You can see how they grew into the versions of themselves in Solo. While the book stays on the lighter side of things (typical of stories written for a younger audience), there are still moments of depth on droid rights, viewing the Force as a religion, and what life is like in a crime syndicate. Addressing these heavier topics without it killing the pace of the story is hard to do, but Rae Carson pulls it off flawlessly. I went into this book with no expectations and was pleasantly surprised by how much fun I had. Han and Qi’ra start off as competitors, but eventually have to learn to work together to survive as more and more people start hunting them down. They’re honestly so cute together, I loved their dynamic. It makes Solo a better movie, and although I liked it on its own, characters like Qi’ra needed a little more time to get to know, which you can get here!
14. Thrawn Alliances was not what I expected at all, and it took me a lot longer to get through. Hell, it has Thrawn, Anakin/Vader, and Padme in it! What’s not to love? Apparently, a lot. The different timepoints and perspectives in this were more jarring than anything else. Although the interactions between Thrawn and Anakin/Vader were enjoyable, it was not enough to elevate this book into the Jedi Master tier. Things felt dry, the characters didn’t grip me like in the first Thrawn, and it all felt like a ploy to introduce Batuu into canon before the launch of Galaxy’s Edge.
15. Leia: Princess of Alderaan was a dive into young Leia’s life before we see her in A New Hope even though this was marketed as a journey to The Last Jedi book, which I disagree with. We really haven’t seen any content about Leia in this time period before, and although I can’t say I was looking for this, I did enjoy it. The book was a little long, but there was adventure and the seeds are planted for Leia to be a bigger part of the Rebellion. The romance wasn’t too memorable, but Holdo wasn’t pointless in this (a stark contrast to her brief appearance in TLJ just to sacrifice herself). There’s a hint about Leia being Force-sensitive but it’s not in-your-face. It’s a typical coming-of-age story but in the gffa. The best part about this is seeing Bail and Breha as parents. I’m forever in pain that we didn’t get to see more of this in movies because it’s so so sweet. Leia must choose what kind of person she is going to be--and what kind of princess she will become. It won’t be for everyone, but I liked it.
16. Master and Apprentice was a typical Star Wars novel, which means it’s full of original characters that are strange and outlandish to serve the plot, a new world full of beautiful landscapes, and Obi-Wan suffering. I want to make it clear that this book is 80% Qui-Gon, 10% Rael Averross, and 10% Obi-Wan. I was expecting it to be 50% Qui-Gon, 50% Obi-Wan, as the cover suggested. Although I was disappointed by that, the story overall was okay. Qui-Gon is kind of an asshole in this? When is he not, though. We really get to sink our teeth into the way he and Obi-Wan fundamentally disagree with each other, so much so that their teacher-student relationship is falling apart. Tragic! They go on one last mission before calling it quits. Qui-Gon is in over his head with prophecies, Obi-Wan just wants to follow the rules, and Rael Averross is Dooku’s previous apprentice that is living his best life as a regent until Pijal’s princess comes of age. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a solid book. I just don’t vibe with Qui-Gon and want to whack him upside the head every time he avoids confrontation with his own student. My protectiveness for Obi-Wan is showing again, isn’t it? Yikes.
17. James Luceno is one of the most analytical authors I’ve ever read anything from, but it seems to always work? Tarkin is all about...well, Moff Tarkin. He’s ruthless, intelligent, and just downright evil. His backstory was compelling and I found myself drawn into the story by the details, although it is dense and took awhile to finish. I’m not interested in him as a character, but despite that, I enjoyed this story. The plot wasn’t memorable enough for me to recall after 3 years, but it’s similar to how Thrawn rose through the ranks of the Navy, just in a different part of the Empire’s governing body. We don’t get many books completely focused on a villain (I don’t count Vader ones because we know who he was before and the whole damn saga is about him), but this one is good! Don’t be fooled by it only being in the Knight tier. I think people who read a lot of sci-fi will like this book a lot. This is like the opposite of Queen’s Shadow, basically. If you had gripes about that book, you might like this one instead.
18. Battlefront II: Inferno Squad was a worthwhile read for anyone who played Battlefront II. Iden Versio is a great protagonist in the game, and I think Christie Golden totally gets her character. She’s nuanced and relatable. The whole team is interesting and getting introduced to each member before the events of the game makes everything mean more. That’s the real goal of any prequel story, I think. Accomplished! The action scenes are on point, the plot served to highlight what makes Inferno Squad special, and you get a sense for the morally grey area anyone must function in as an operative for the Empire. Although not necessary for the greater canon, it’s a great adventure. Iden and her squad members infiltrate the remains of Saw Gerrara’s group (they’ve become a bit of extremist) and destroy them from the inside. It’s got the suspense of a spy thriller and all of the nerdy space opera elements you expect from Star Wars. Although it’s weird to jump into a story not knowing any of the characters, you’ll get attached to Inferno Squad fast. Well, except for Gideon Hask maybe. He’s kind of a dick.
19. If you’re craving some Dark Side action, Lords of the Sith will give you what you’re looking for. Sidious and Vader crash-land on Ryloth and have to work together to survive, and also defeat the Free Ryloth Movement led by Cham Syndulla. It’s all fucking connected, guys. I love when people weave together stories that fit into the canon timeline like this, bringing in side characters and allowing them to develop some depth. And a chance to sink into the mind of a Sith Lord is always fun, if you’re in the mood to read about destruction and anger. It’s cathartic sometimes. If you’re always wondering, why didn’t Vader just stab Palps when he had the chance, this book explains their dynamic more. It didn’t really change my opinion of any of the characters, which is why it’s not higher on the list.
20. Catalyst suffered from being in a really boring part of galactic history. Despite that, Galen Erso and Orson Krennic have a hilarious relationship that I would have loved to see on-screen. This book really develops Krennic to become more than just the whiny entitled evil man we saw in Rogue One. He’s ten times worse now! But I mean that in the best way, I laugh whenever he’s in a scene, that sassy man just brings me joy. James Luceno is at it again, making things as detailed and dry as possible. I read so many of his stories right at the beginning of my journey through Star Wars canon and it’s a wonder I didn’t quit. Some of them are dark as fuck. And also slow as hell. With this one, I think it all comes down to what you want out of a Star Wars novel. Some people will really enjoy the plot. I think seeing how Galen became a part of Project Stardust was interesting and every time something about the Death Star became more clear, I screeched because I knew what it would eventually become. This book may not hold your interest though, which is why I put it lower on this list.
21. Star Wars: Clone Wars was a decent retelling of the Clone Wars movie. I liked it because I liked the movie, but you have to be able to sit back and enjoy the ride, not thinking too much about the silly parts. For that reason, it’s pretty far down in the rankings. Ahsoka is young and liable to get on your nerves. I certainly wasn’t her biggest fan at this point in the series. The biggest problem is that Karen Traviss is very anti-Jedi. Some authors for Star Wars tend to do this? To me, it’s weird. I didn’t notice it too much because it was one of the first Star Wars books I read, but it contrasts starkly with the truth of the prequel trilogy and some of the other entries in the Clone Wars Novel timeline, like Karen Miller’s books. Needless to say, although this book wasn’t super memorable aside from the familiar plot, it kept me reading Star Wars books, and so it is at least an average book. Plus, any content with Anakin and the clones is worth it for me. I love them.
22. A New Hope was good, for Alan Dean Foster. I’m not a fan, I’ll be honest. But this novelization stands on it’s own. I’m going to have to do a re-read to really go in depth on why this isn’t farther up on the tier list, but the movie is always going to be better to me. If you want to re-live the great beginning of the Original Trilogy, it’s worth your time. I mean, the story is full of adventure and mystery and lovable characters. What’s not to love? I just feel like the movie really elevates the narrative with a great score and fun character design/costumes/sets.
Padawan: These Books Have Much to Learn
23. Attack of the Clones was more entertaining than The Phantom Menace because the characters are in funnier situations. Obi-Wan and Anakin chasing Zam Wesell through the levels of Coruscant? Hilarious, just like the movie. Anakin and Padme falling in love as they spend time together? Holy fuck it’s so much better than the movie. Please read it for that alone. Outside of that, the writing style didn’t really impress me. And my experience with it wasn’t super memorable. There was potential to really make the inner dialogue of these characters impactful, to really develop the story of Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme beyond what we could get from the movie scenes alone. I didn’t think it went above and beyond there. Not a bad story at all, but you don’t get to look at Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, or Ewan McGregor the whole time either, so therefore I must rank it lower. So many beautiful people in that movie, holy shit. You can understand my, dilemma, yes?
24. I enjoyed parts of The Phantom Menace book, like deleted scenes with Anakin living on Tatooine before Qui-Gon and Padme meet him. The additional depth is lovely, but I think a story like Queen’s Peril adds more to TPM than this book does. The story overall is still fun. I love this movie so much, it’s hard for me to be critical. I did put a lot of post-it flags in my copy, so it does develop the characters and get you thinking beyond your expectations from the movie. What more could you ask for from a movie novelization? I’d say not much, if I hadn’t read Revenge of the Sith and had my fucking mind blown. In comparison to that, this one is just okay.
25. The Last Jedi novelization wasn’t bad, necessarily. It tried its best to bring this story up to par with some of the interesting novels that don’t have movie counterparts. But still, the plot suffers because of how this movie was made. It’s very focused on Rey and Kylo, and Finn’s little adventure with Rose seems pointless in the grand scheme of things. I’d rather read this again versus watching the film, but that’s all I’ll say on this because I’m trying to keep my opinions on this movie to myself to avoid digging up old arguments. Jason Fry did well, and of the two Sequel Trilogy books I’ve read, I would recommend this one over Ep. 7.
26. The Force Awakens falls short and I think it’s because of Alan Dean Foster’s writing style on this one? It didn’t really expand on anything from the movie, while taking away the beautiful music and visuals. This novel is the antithesis of Revenge of the Sith’s novelization, and for that reason I ranked it fairly low. I wouldn’t read this one unless you really really love the Sequel Trilogy.
27. To be fair, I read the new Thrawn book before I went back and read this one. Even so, Heir to the Empire didn’t impress me at all. Thrawn didn’t seem like a thrilling villain with lots of depth like he did in Timothy Zahn’s reimagined Thrawn novel. We barely saw him. A lot of time was spent on the Original Triology’s trio, which waasn’t bad. I thought Luke, Leia, and Han were all written fairly well. The latter part of the story was redeemed by the interactions between Mara Jade and Luke, for sure. Enemies to lovers, anyone?? Without Thrawn, this book would have been an entertaining story, but for all of the praise it has received from long-time Star Wars fans, I was expecting to be blown away and I wasn’t. Maybe I have to continue the triology to figure out what all of the fuss is about, but after this one, I’m not super motivated to read more. Change my mind?
28. Cloak of Deception really shines when you’re following Palpatine’s perspective because you can feel the undercurrents of his master plan to destroy the Republic underneath his calm persona as a Senator. Other than that, it’s a forgettable plot. This is all about galactic politics and some terrorist group trying to blow up some government officials. Basically the most boring parts of the prequel trilogy. I listened to the audiobook of this at the beginning of this year and I already forget what it’s about. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan should have been able to bring some humor and energy to get you rooting for the good guys,  but there was barely any of that. I was disappointed in all of the characters. Everything felt distant, removed from the heart of the characters. Some people in reviews have argued that the events of The Phantom Menace really pinned this novel in a corner because you already know what happens, but I disagree, because we know how Revenge of the Sith goes and The Clone Wars show is that much more tragic and heartbreakingly beautiful because of it. Prequels can be done right. This ain’t it, Luceno. Sorry.
29. Star Wars: The Old Republic, Fatal Alliance needs to go home and rethink it’s life. I’m a huge fan of the Old Republic and I’ve put like 200 hours of my life into playing that game, so I was hoping for some fun content in this part of the timeline. Sadly, this book captured the worst parts of the game, like the fact that there’s way too many factions at war with each other. Jedi, Sith, Empire, Republic, Mandalorians. They’re all here. They’re all ready to throw down. And I’m tired. As with many of the books in this lower tier, I felt there wasn’t enough description of the world or the people in the story. We’re in the gffa, be a little weird and wacky. Be big and bold! Make things terrifying, or beautiful, or both. But give my mind something to work with. The number of characters made the plot messier than it could have been, and it definitely isn’t worth the read. I can’t speak for all Old Republic books, but this one didn’t impress me.
A Sith Lord?! On My Bookshelf? It’s More Likely Than You’d Think
30. So underwhelming, you might as well just read the first half and then stop. Last Shot is absolutely terrible, except for Lando Calrissian’s characterization, which was spot-on. If the whole story had been from his perspective, I probably would have a much difference opinion on the novel as a whole. Sadly, this is not the case. Han was boring, he bottled up his emotions, and seemed drastically different from the badass he was in the original trilogy. There are different timepoints in this novel, and in all of them, Han is unrecognizable. Don’t nerf one of your main characters like that. Daniel Jose Older and I might just not get along. I thought his writing style didn’t fit Star Wars at all. It was like breaking the fourth wall, totally pulling me out of the story constantly. Also, there were little to no descriptions of body language, locations, or movement. It left me feeling disoriented the whole time I was reading. I thought one of the most interesting things would have been seeing Han, Leia, and baby Ben being a family at this point in time, but Han’s family was there as a prop, nothing more. There was a big bad item that was going to cause galactic destruction and our heroes had to go save the day. There was barely any tension and no one lost an arm so I’m pretty pissed off. Is it Star Wars if no one gets their appendage removed? I can’t tell you how much I disliked this book. Which is sad because I was hoping to enjoy it. I like Han. I like Lando. I like space adventures. I’m not that hard to please, or at least I don’t think so.
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esandcasg · 4 years
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B Dog’s Ranking of Star Wars Films
Some months ago Big A challenged me to list my order of Star Wars films, from worst to best. Having re-watched a number now in recent months I felt it time to get this down on paper. Admittedly I haven’t watched all of them, so this might need updating in the months to come.
Let me know your thoughts or add a similar blog!
11. The Last Jedi
It is something of a tribute to Disney that it took me some time to decide my least favourite Star Wars film. There were two obvious candidates but in the end I went with the Last Jedi. Admittedly, I feel that The Rise of Skywalker is a worse film, but I give the honour of the shittest Star Wars film to this steaming pile of crap because it set the precedent for what was to follow. The whole film is based around the idea of doing something different with the force and the Jedi, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it was done in such a bad way. I’ve recently re-watched it and it felt like 90% of the film is treading water whilst they develop the Reylo relationship. “What shall we do with the other characters?” I don’t know, stick them on a spaceship being chased by a Star Destroyer? “Fuck me, that’s brilliant.”  I recently read that Rhian Johnson’s biggest regret with this film was not being able to do his usual private showing to close friends before it came out due to security issues. I regret that too, cos they’d have told him what a big pile of crap it was.
10. The Rise of Skywalker
The true level of shittiness of this film has been discussed a lot; it was so bad that it even inspired a B Dog film rant blog. The first ever, if I am not mistaken? The fact that they have had to release information intermittently to explain the gaps in the story says it all really. A total turd. 
Don’t worry, my swearing will ease now along with my hatred.
9. Attack of the Clones
My ninth favourite (or perhaps more accurately, the third worst) Star Wars film introduces the prequels into the story with Attack of the Clones. I don’t hate this film like I do The Rise of Skywalker and The Last Jedi, so we start to move out of “hate” and more into “meh” with AotC. I don’t hate it, I don’t particularly like it. I nothing it (nod to #BigAsFilmReviews).
This film has a few things going for it, namely it features a young Hayden Christensen, who of course has a strong resemblance to a young B Dog, and it includes Anakin and Padme’s brilliantly written, acted and directed romance scenes. “You are in my very soul, tormenting me.” Beautiful. I jest of course, it was total cringe. But the issue that I have with this film is that it doesn’t feel like Star Wars. At least with The Phantom Menace there are elements that align with the prequels like the scenes of Tattoine. AotC just feels like a bit of a misfit. I wonder whether it was where George began to get a raging hard-on for green screen and prioritising wanky graphics above, you know, a decent storyline, and that impacts things? Or maybe he started flirting with the darkside long before this? But generally it is an entertaining enough film, just a bit shit.
8. The Phantom Menace
I struggled for a while with the order of Attack of the Clones and The Phantom Menace but in the end decided I preferred this one. But it’s a close one.
The issue that I have with this film – even above Jar Jar and the awful dialogue – is that I don’t get the target audience. There is loads of content for kids such as (the aforementioned) Jar Jar and the pod race, yet it is effectively a film about politics and features things like trade blockades. I mean, the opening crawl features gems such as “The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute... While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events.” 
I watched it with Sebastian and he didn’t have a clue what was going on, but he sat there patiently waiting for the arrival of arguably my favourite Star Wars character in Darth Maul. But as I mentioned above, TPM still feels like Star Wars and the lightsabre fight sequence at the end is enough to get it into 8th place. But we are still very much in “meh”.
7. Solo
But not for long as we start moving into “like” territory. I like this film. But the issue that I have is that it’s not really Star Wars. It’s a decent sci-fi film but I can’t associate Alden Whatshisface’s portrayal of Han to the original. It is largely forgettable mind; I have watched Solo once and couldn’t really tell you what it was about. Something to do with Solo and Chewie and Lando, and they went through an asteroid field, and Emilia Clarke got sold or became a slave, and the Falcon got wrecked. That’s all I remember. But I do remember feeling like the whole “Kessel Run” idea was totally different to what I had in my mind – I figured it was a famous smuggling run - and if they really had to do a backstory on Han then they could have come up with something better.
6. Revenge of the Sith
Probably the only prequel that I will stand behind. It is flawed, largely because of the overuse of green screen which can’t be easy for actors/actresses (exhibit A: Natalie Portman who is pretty wooden yet claimed an Oscar a few years later in Black Swan), but I feel like RotS is actually a fairly decent addition to the Star Wars portfolio with the actors starting to get used to the methods of Lucas or perhaps even pushing back a bit helping the script flow better. Hayden Christensen seemed a bit more comfortable playing a more complex and evil character than a loved up teenager, for example. However, there is still a large amount of Lucas “style over substance” going on still and the Darth Vadar “Noooooo” bit at the end is like something from an 80’s Arnie film. “I’ll be back, Kenobi.”
5. Rogue 1
I really enjoyed this film right up until the last few minutes when the arrival of Leia almost ruined it. I don’t quite know why, I think it just felt shoe-horned and unnecessary. There are other flaws that don’t align with the start of A New Hope and the characters lack any real depth, but overall I’ll let all this slide as it was a pretty exciting and well-made film. With Rogue 1 I am sensing stronger feelings… there is good in these films. I can sense it.
4. The Force Awakens
The first time I watched this film I didn’t like it. I think because I just expected too much – or something different - and I didn’t particularly like the way they killed off Han without the film or trilogy really getting going. What was the point? I thought Rey was totally wooden too. But I’ve watched it three times now and the last time – just before TRoS came out – I actually really enjoyed it, bordering on feeling that it was brilliant. I admit it is a fanboy tribute, but… if the cap or evil sith mask fits and all that.
3. A New Hope
It will come as no surprise that the podium spots are reserved for the original trilogy, and we move into love – of course - with A New Hope. It is slightly controversial to have this one in third place as I know a lot of people see ANH as the best of the lot, but I just prefer the other originals being honest. Whilst it is undoubtedly a great film, I find it more of a setting the scene kind of film: it’s a bit slow going in places and even as a kid I don’t feel it had the same levels of excitement as the other two. The toys that I played with weren’t the X-Wing and Tie Fighter from the Death Star scene, it was the AT-AT (I had two) and snow speeders from Hoth, for example. And re-watching them recently with Sebastian it has been the one that I struggled to sit through the most. I guess ultimately it is laying the foundations for the whole Luke vs. Vadar/good vs. evil element, which is what drew me into Star Wars as a kid.
2. Return of the Jedi
I know this film has flaws, but I love it. Well, the old version before Ol’ George started adding shit like the band in Jabba’s palace and another Vadar “Nooooooo”. But the whole film is great: the sequence at the start concluding with the fight over the pit of sarlaac through to the three phased fight sequence at the end. As I have said to you both, I have recently watched the original trilogy with Sebastian and he told me that he was exhausted at the end of the film, and I guess it’s that sort of excitement that I still associate with RotJ. One interesting thing is that watching the recently has opened my eyes to how hot Carrie Fisher was back then. I never really got it. No wonder my dad used to pop in for the Jabba’s Palace bit.
1. The Empire Strikes Back
And therefore the winner goes to the masterpiece that is The Empire Strikes Back. I don’t have anything negative to say about this film, and for me is in a league of its own compared to the other ten films, and up there with one of my favourite films ever. The Hoth fight scene, Yoda training Luke and the cave scene, Cloud City and then Vadar and Luke crossing swords for the first time. From start to finish it is exciting and so well made. But it’s also interesting to have a good vs. evil film finish on such a dark note, with the good guys going off to lick their wounds. In a lot of ways that is also what appeals about this film; it’s not just a straight up good guys win type of scenario.
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devilofmidtownwest · 7 years
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Just sending in my thoughts on the show, not trying to start any arguments. So I actually found iron fist really enjoyable. I know it wasn't perfect and maybe I just found it better because I needed my superhero fix, but I am surprised to see how much hate it gets. I still think it was the worst out of all of the other Netflix marvel shows but I didn't think it was that bad. What are your main reasons for hating it?
I’m glad some people are coming forward and saying they liked it! I generally wish the Marvel Netflix universe well. I really wanted to like Iron Fist. I had some faith that, based on how well they did the other shows, they would handle some pretty dated and racist material and give it a real update to reflect modern sensibilities, but alas, no.
(1) Iron Fist follows the “white savior” trope to the fullest extent. Danny Rand goes Asia, then a magical kingdom in a magical Asian dimension, and not only becomes a fighter, but becomes THE BEST fighter, better than all of the natives. And then he literally STEALS a superpower from their tradition (the show implies pretty heavily that he was not supposed to be the Iron Fist) and uses it to beat them up. That’s hardcore “white people are better than Asians, even at Asian stuff” right there.
(2) Danny Rand claimed to be a Buddhist monk but he knew literally nothing about Buddhism. I don’t think anything he said was actually Buddhist. In fact, many things he said were contrary to Buddhist teachings. (And he pronounced “Om Mani Padme Hung” really wrong) The writers did absolutely no research on Buddhism - oranges don’t represent forgiveness, and Buddhist monks can’t even wear green. They also can’t fight people in anger, but you know, you’re going to have some of that with a kung fu show.
(3) Speaking of kung fu, the fight choreography was really, really bad. I would have been less annoyed by it if the Marvel Netflix hadn’t specifically made a name for themselves with their outstanding fight choreography. The actor playing Danny Rand was clearly not up to the task and/or given enough prep time, and they couldn’t rely on a stunt double because his face was uncovered, so it was pretty easy to tell that just about everyone he was fighting - many of whom were chosen for their roles for their martial arts skills - was better than him. And this is specifically Iron Fist’s thing, being a kung fu master. It’s what he was sold as in the comics; it’s part of his charm. It’s kinda like not making Luke Cage strong or bulletproof?
(4) The total conflation of Asian cultures. Colleen Wing, a Chinese woman, placed by a Chinese actress, wielding a Japanese sword and raised by the Hand, who adhere to a very vague Japanese honor code, but the Hand (at least the people that Danny visited on that campus) doesn’t seem to contain many Japanese people. Even the other scripted Asian, Davos, wasn’t played by an Asian guy. The showrunners just took whatever they wanted from wherever they wanted to make their script go, without paying any attention to the cultural sensitivities of that part of the world, which is why I can’t even get my Asian-American fans to watch it. Like they have seen every other Marvel show and movie and they are just skipping right over this one.
(5) Oh, and having an old Chinese woman as a tea-drinking opium dealer is pretty racist, too. But I like Madame Gao so much I’m willing to forgive. Except for that scene in Daredevil where she was ALSO running a laundromat, painting cherry blossoms, because someone was just ticking off racist boxes?
(6) The non-mystical part of the plot was super duper boring. It’s not hard to make problems of the 1% (as Iron Fist was pitched in certain promotions) interesting; people do it all the time. Americans love to see rich people get taken down a peg and we love office dramas. But G-ddamn did I not care who was running Rand Industries. Danny was super obsessed with it because either the plot demanded it or he wanted to be super rich, which is not exactly a lovable character trait. He associated his dad with a company that makes dangerous chemicals? Doesn’t sound like he and his dad had much of a relationship. Seeing him act like a totally unqualified CEO who doesn’t know anything about his own business was kind of fun, but most of it was about stakeholding and shares and company protocol and didn’t make a whole lot of sense. I found it hard to care about a guy who is offered 25 million dollars to go away and thinks it’s nobler to stick around to try and get more money. I’ve never been offered 25 million dollars to sit around and do nothing. I would very much like to be offered ANY amount of money to sit around and do nothing. It made Danny act like a whiny, greedy asshole, which I could understand if he had just come out of a monastery and got really seduced by the material pleasures of life (which happens to a LOT of ex-monks), but he was just right out of the gate, “This company is mine and I want it.”
(7) Danny was a creepy stalker who should have left Colleen alone. Walking in with dinner? Buying her building? Do you know how freaked out I would be if this guy I couldn’t get rid of was now my landlord? Because I would be VERY freaked out. I would probably get a restraining order. But then we learn that, contrary to the way she’s been acting, she’s cozying up to him because of the Hand? Maybe? I’m super confused but that doesn’t make him any less creepy.
(8) There are very specific laws about 72-hour holds and how psychiatrists operate. Considering not one but two characters’ fortunes hinged on it, you would have thought somebody would have looked this stuff up.
(9) Holy shit, the Hand has a cure to opium addiction? Dude Ward you make pharmaceuticals!?! How is this never mentioned again?
(10) The acting was not spectacular. Most of the main characters were having a trouble holding down their British/Kiwi accents, which kind of made them sound like they were from nowhere. Certainly not New York. It wasn’t so much of a problem until real actors showed up, like Rosario Dawson or Carrie Fisher Anne Moss, and you were like, “Oh, that’s how you sell a ridiculous line.” I actually didn’t enjoy Claire too much because she really outshone her co-stars, and her “why the fuck are we doing this stupid plan” question didn’t get answered.
(11) This whole show seemed very much like a rush job. A lot of care and devotion went into the previous shows. You could tell that the showrunners were deeply versed not only in the mythology of the shows but also some parts of them were visual masterpieces with their use of color and framing to resemble comic panels. They had plotlines that developed and ended. Characters grew. They had a reason for being there. You could tell what they were about and where they were going. Iron Fist was a visually uninteresting show that spent 13 hours setting up the Hand plotline in the Defenders, a plotline that already ruined the second half of Daredevil season 2. It wasn’t a show about the Iron Fist. We didn’t learn what the Iron Fist was, or what he was supposed to do, or why he wasn’t doing it. He didn’t seem to know himself, but the fact that he became the Iron Fist without knowing what the hell the Iron Fist is supposed to do wasn’t a plot that was explored, even though it could have been a really interesting one. He just told everyone what he was over and over again, as if somebody in the room forgot, and never supplied any explanation because he didn’t seem to have any information. This is not mythology building. This is just killing time until the plot comes along.
(12) Oh yeah, and Danny struck a black kid and called him a monkey. Let’s not forget that shit.
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viralhottopics · 7 years
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A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms
Although people who peaked in high school like to act poetic about how great the 2000s were, they werent actually any better than the present day. I mean, it was a time when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits in public and nobody carted them off to an insane asylum.
But Im prepared to make a concession on two points: 1) At least we werent under the administration of a sentient slime mold wearing a bad wig. 2) The 2000s were a golden age for romantic comedies, mostly thanks to Judy Greers tireless efforts to play every heroines best friend. Plus, only like half the jokes were sexist, and there was about an 80% chance pre-pretentious Matthew McConaughey would show up.
Obviously, a betch has to be picky about her rom-comssome are shitty in a good way, but others are best avoided in case someone catches you watching them. To guide your Netflix viewings, here’s a totally objective list of 00s rom coms. If you disagree, which Im sure everyone will, please note that Im not actually forcing you to watch these movies; Im just saying that if you regularly watch any of the bottom five, you have terrible taste.
14.
is considered a modern classic by two groups of people. 1) men in their late 20s with a crush on Natalie Portman and a thriving quarter-life crisis and 2) 8th graders in 2004 under the assumption that any movie that features a Shins track in its soundtrack is automatically deep. To everyone else, its a film about self-absorbed white people whining about their lives until theyre magically fixed by the power of mixtapes. There are approximately a zillion issues with this film, beginning with Zach Braffs complete lack of expression and ending with the fact that you cant cure real depression by listening to The Shins, no matter how clearly superior the soundtrack is to anything else in this film. Worst of all, though, is the fact that Natalie Portman played a manic pixie dream girl so obnoxious I still dream about strangling her character sometimes. Padme deserves so much better.
13.
Im not saying romantic comedies have to make much sense, but s plot is mystifying. Matthew McConaugheys parents are tired of him living at home, so they call in a lady high class escort (Sarah Jessica Parker) whose job is literally seducing men into moving out of their parents basements and unceremoniously dumping them. Because that’s plausible, and not at all fucked up to force your son to fall in love with someone you’re paying. Ridiculous premise aside, you know a movie is terrible when famed nicegirl Zooey Deschanel is the best thing about it.
12. Monster-in-Law
In case you missed this one, and for your sake I hope you did, is about Jane Fonda inexplicably being terrible to Jennifer Lopez, who walks a lot of dogs and is engaged to Fondas son. That right there should tell you all you need to knowI cannot think of one movie that JLo was in that was anything above mild torture, and we’re supposed to root for her character why, exactly? If my son was engaged to a full-time dog walker you can best believe I’d do everything short of actual murder to put a stop to that bullshit.
11.
Im told some people love this movie, but Jesus fucking Christ, is it possible for the two main characters to be any more appalling? Here you have two assholes manipulating the shit out of each other and just generally acting psychotic, all to win a stupid bet with their friends. They really should call it “How To Act Like A Psychopath And Lose Your Dignity.”
10.
Not gonna lie, I fucking adored when I was an impressionable preteen. It had time travel! Mark Ruffalo! A makeover scene! Years later, the movie is still fun to watch, even if it is way too obsessed with the 80s, but the jokes are more cute than funny. Also, why would anyone allow their 13-year-old child to go to a sleepover hosted by a 30-year-old? That is … questionable to say the least. Not to mention Jennifer Garner’s character does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nicegirl and dumps her hot pro bf in favor of her formerly fat friend. Blah blah, true love, I don’t give a fuck. Tenth.
9.
is close to being wrapped in cutesy narration, but it’s far superior. For one thing, it reintroduced the world to Joseph Gordon-Levitts dimples. For another, it manages to be a fairly realistic depiction of a shitty millennial relationship without being super fucking depressing. But thats also kind of the problemrom coms arent supposed to be realistic, theyre supposed to be clich and feel-good, and I don’t care what you say, Summer is a thot. I have literally stayed up at night mapping how she could have possibly met someone worthy of engagement a mere 118 days after she broke up with Tom, and only six days after attending a wedding as his guest (yes I did the mathI told you; this movie keeps me up at night). No matter how you slice it, she had to have cheated on somebody.
8.
Full disclosure: As a Southern betch, Im stoked that takes place right next door. (Dear Hollywood: An entire country exists between New York and LA.) But even though it features Patrick Dempsey as the other man, Josh Lucas with a dreamy Southern accent, and Reese Witherspoon, there are still some issues. Mainly, WTF WERE YOU THINKING, MELANIE? Did you really dump your future president fianc for your secret redneck husband just so “the first boy you kissed could also be your last”? I’ve heard of trying to keep your number down, but damn if this isn’t some delusional shit.
7.
Everyone on planet Earth can relate to having a batshit crazy family, and thats exactly what makes appealing. The two leads are fine, considering they’re not Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey, but the extended family is everyones favorite part of the movie. Honestly the most memorable moment to come out of this movie is the “put some Windex on it”pretty good deal for Windex, not so much for the people who actually starred in the movie. However, it does get points for the memorable line: “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she pleases.”
6.
The plot is pretty flimsy (a Canadian businesswoman has to marry her assistant to avoid deportation) but everyone loves a story where the couple starts out hating each other and eventually falls in love. The cast is what makes this movie pure rom com gold: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty fucking White, who gifted us with the infamous Native American dance scene. Basically, it’s predictable but ridiculous, making it better than some of the other garbage movies on this list.
5.
Admittedly, is probably to blame for some of the chubby man-child/beautiful, svelte woman couplings we see in the media that give men unrealistic beauty expectations (of the types of women they can expect to date), otherwise known as The Beyonc/Jay Z Phenomenon. But whatevs. Its a good movie. Seth Rogen has that whole dad bod thing going onapparently a thing some people are intoand Katherine Heigl was at the top of her rom com game before she pissed off the entire cast of .is actually hilarious, which is enough to make up for the fact that Katherine Heigl appears in it.
4.
Even aside from my undeniable crush on youthful Sandra Bullock, is a quintessential early-2000s romantic comedy. Allow me to explain. 1) It stars an ambitious career woman who dont need no man. 2) But she kind of wants one anyway, and everyone realizes what a catch she is when she puts on lipstick and a dress. 3) Did I mention its plot is literally an extended makeover scene as Bullock goes from bad ass FBI agent to bad ass beauty pageant contestant? I rest my case. Add in some cute female friendships and a scene in which Bullock teaches us how to fend off an attacker, and its basically required viewing every year.
3.
You had to know was going to make the list despite this amazing take-down article of why it’s actually terrible. With approximately a bajillion storylines going on, its hard not to find one you like and get invested, and it doesnt hurt that the film features every well-known British actor under the sun. Im not sure how the movie manages to juggle all the different plots without being confusing and/or boring, but Im not gonna question it. However, this shit is TOO FUCKING LONG. If I have to pop an Adderall just to make it through a damn movie (which I do), you need to send your editors back to the drawing board.
2.
is the perfect example of a rom com thats super clich in theory, but in practice, its so fucking heartwarming it doesnt even matter (ugh). Katherine Heigl plays ultimate nicegirl Jane (in case the fact that her name is “Jane” wasn’t enough of a clue), whos been part of 27 weddings and miraculously hasnt gone broke from buying all the bridesmaid dresses. The dudes are pretty forgettable, but Janes psychotic sister and slutty best friend totally steal the spotlight, elevating the film to truly betchy heights.
P.S. For once, James Marsden plays the leading man, so his preternaturally perfect face gets more screen time, #bless.
1.
Bridget Joness Diary is the ultimate feel-good movie, as in its literally impossible to watch it without feeling your icy soul thaw ever so slightly at the end. The titular character starts out fat, single, and past the age of 30, so basically our worst nightmare. By the end, though, she manages to bang Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, land a better job, and become a self-described wanton sex goddess. If those arent your life goals, you clearly need to start your own self-help journey.
Read more: http://betches.co/2leb0vU
from A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms
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