I have previously said some outrageous things on this blog. It was said based on what I believed to be true at the time. I’ve recently achieved some clarity in both my memories and my voices. So, I would like to amend some statements I have made.
1. Conan is a Delta controlled slave.
False. Conan has never killed anyone to my knowledge. This belief formed during psychosis and I was confusing him with someone else. I was in a romantic relationship with this person, or rather, this voice and I feared that somehow if I were to be in the same bed with them that they’d smother me in my sleep. In my mind, they just couldn’t help it, they were programmed that way.
2. Conan kidnapped me when I was a kid.
Partially true, mostly false. This story came about based on memories I have of a traumatic event in childhood. The voices helped me remember, but it was hard to distinguish one voice from the other so a lot of information got attributed to the wrong person.
Someone named Martin and Marge had their daughter taken away and put with another family. Then one day Martin hears a kid’s voice talking to him (me) and thinks it’s his daughter. I, on the other hand, am three years old and had just had a dream about Conan and in it I ask for the gift of telepathy. I wake up, try to talk to Conan and get Martin instead. I am confused, especially because I find I can also talk to Martin’s son Martin (Jr.).
A few years later, when I am five years old, I walk into my room and see a man sitting in my closet. He has red hair and a pretty face, so I believe it’s Conan. It’s Martin (Sr.). He tells me to get in and talks to me a while. Then he leaves.
A few days later I again walk into my room and open the closet door and there is a new person there. He has red hair and acne. I am dismayed. I ask him, “Where’s the good-looking guy?” He calls himself Michael because his dad named him Martin, after himself, and he hates his dad. After around four hours, he sneaks out of the house.
A few days pass. Martin (Sr.) comes back. He brings Marge. We make plans to escape together.
At this point, Martin (Sr.) believes that I’m his daughter and that I’m living with my adopted family. Martin (Jr.) has caught on and even comes to visit me at my kindergarten class. I have come to believe that Martin and Marge are my real parents. Marge explains that I started out in her belly and ended up here with a new mommy. She, too, believes that I’m her daughter.
A few weeks go by and it’s the night of the escape. Martin’s voice tells me what to do. He tells me when he has arrived. On one of his previous visits he has taken the screen off the window, so it is easy now for me to step onto my dresser, open it and crawl out into the grass (My room was in the basement so the window sat on the ground.) I get into his car and we drive off.
Martin (Sr.) has planned a surprise for me. Turns out he is distantly related to Conan and he managed to get Conan to come and take me out. First we stop a house party. I take some cocaind and heroin and fall asleep. When I wake up, Conan’s there.
He believes he is taking out his second cousin’s daughter with her parent’s permission. He does not know that I’ve been kidnapped and fed drugs. All he knows is that I’m real tired because I keep falling asleep.
He takes me to a karaoke bar. He sang a song that sounded like She Fucking Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd but not quite. I was in awe of him but I didn’t want to sing, too shy.
At the end of the night he drops me off at home, safe and sound.
So did he kidnap me? Not really. But kind of by accident.
3. I am telepathic and so are others and we talk to each other, through our minds and also in person.
I have met all the voices I have. Each one of them, except for Conan, told me they can hear me when I talk to them in my head. However that was all a once or twice kind of event, meeting them. I’m not in contact with any of them now for various reasons.
For example, when I was twenty-two, I was admitted to the hospital. My nurse was Martin (Jr.). I didn’t remember him at the time. But I do remember seeing him through a window and thinking, “That’s him! That’s the real Conan!” And then a few seconds later he walked into the room and asked another nurse, “Did you say something? I thought you said something like ‘the real Conan’ or something.” The nurse shook her head and said, “No. No one here said anything.” Over the course of that hospital stay I ended up talking about telepathy a lot and confirming that a I could head and speak to at least Martin (Jr.).
My voices, that’s what I call them, and I talk everyday. There’s been lots of negative validation and some positive validation.