#school year depression. it hits.

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[give-grian-rights]

I know you might have stopped talking about S*mgl but I remember watching his yandere minigame videos and looking back at it now, it was really messed up...I never think about a creator or dig deep into this stuff but I was bored, read a lot....I am so confused and horrified about the fact that I watched this guys yandere minigames for fun..

i cannto help but giggle that you ONLY watched his yandere minigame videos, from how you worded it. What a way to fall into his niche. but yeah, it was horrifying. especially as someone who was. APART of the history of him exposing himself as a really immature asshole.

#who will win. a 30 year old one-hit-wonder. or a group of depressed teenagers in early 2020 lockdown #spoiler alert it wasnt the adult in the scenerio #samgladiator supporters dni #yandere high school #yhs mcrp #yhs #mika-posts

[eosofspades]

okay so maybe it was just me being ahead of the curve or whatever but like. did anyone else have their ultimate misery / severe depression era during middle school instead of high school?

#mine #mental illness #it is FOUR AM i should NOT BE thinking about this but oh my god #i read something and i just realized that it wasnt just depression i had a full-fucking-blown psychological BREAK when i was 11 #and i need to be up in four hours but now im too pissed to sleep like oh my god i had a FULL PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAK and #STILL none of the adults in my life even noticed i was SAD?? FUCKING HELLO?????? #anyway rant in the tags but also im genuinely asking did this hit anyone else in middle school/ages 11-13 instead of high school #bc all the stuff i see is about how miserable and mentally ill kids in high school are and im absolutely not discounting that #but like. high school was SO MUCH BETTER for me it was fucking PARADISE compared to how deeply fucking hurting i was #throughout all of middle school. like i would relive all my high school years ten times over before i even ONCE had to feel how i felt #from the ages of 11 - 13. high school was FUN for me and i was still very mentally ill going into 9th grade!! #like. okay you know the adhd principle of executive dysfunction where the idea is that DOING the task is easier than STARTING the task #and the analogy that goes like. imagine you had to struggle for hours climbing up the gravel mountain to get to the construction site #so when you finally get there youre like oh thank fuck time to lay some bricks i could do this all DAY #and the guy who drove up the mountain to the work site is all angry and is like man stop bragging about how EASY laying bricks is for you #man its hard work!!!!! and youre like. not as hard as climbing up the damn gravel mountain dude #and whenever i hear people talking about how high school is the worst. i think of that. #yeah man high school is hard. not as hard as suffering through the crushing misery of being 11 though.

[kraviolis]

if i had to guess, i’d estimate that only about 1/3 of all the fanfiction i’ve written has been posted.

#krav talks #i have posted 2 star wars fanfics that equal about 20k-28k words altogether iirc #but i estimate myself to have written probably like. 80k words worth of star wars fanfic #also i have like 200k words worth of gravity falls fics ive never posted #and 25k worth of steven universe fics #and you dont even wanna KNOW how much ive written for half life/hlvrai and never finished. #i was fucking insane in 2020. i was riding a high that im forever trying to recreate #a lil 18 year old freshly dropped out of high school right before the pandemic hit so i never had to do zoom school #i had just stopped going to therapy but at the same times just started taking adhd meds that actually worked after 2 years of duds #sometimes i wonder if i have bipolar disorder just because that whole entire era of my life could be classified as a manic episode #maybe i just hibernate in the winters actually. bcus consistently every single summer for the past 4-5 years have felt similarly #oh my god wait. no im dumb i just have seasonal depression. #i cant believe i was thinking that feeling good and motivated and happy and being full of life was mania

[bearsizedant]

CAN I GO FIVE FUCKING MINUTES WITHOUT SOME SORT OF LIFE ALTERING EVENT

#you ever get dump your ex #spend the next month being emptionally manipulated by him #finally find another relationship #they go to the hospital less than a week later #then they fucking dump you without talking about anything a month later #and then you find out a few days later that they lied to you about why they dumped you #so you spend a week in some sort of depressed sludgefest and then one morning at 11:11 #youre like 'lmao i wish i could get some closure' #and 2 hours later you get a text from the boyfriend of your former high school best friend who ghosted you without warning 5 years ago #he starts hitting on you #so you send her screenshots youre not sure she'll see bc you thought you were blocked #turns out youre not #and now youre helping your former best friend dump the fuck out of her boyfriend after 5 years of no contact #lmao anyone relate. hello #help

[byanyan]

ㅤat this point, they're beyond wasted and vibing out to music that's too loud with several substances on standby for when the buzz starts wearing off. happy new year!!

#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ic status ⋮ fighting a fight i'll win anyway. #excuse to make use of this gif bc it's one of my faves? maybe. #but mostly i don't want to make an ooc post bc i don't much care for new years #THAT SAID....... i do actually have a goal for this year #and that's to finally ACTUALLY take fucking steps toward getting a diagnosis so that i can maybe start to be a functioning human being #for the first time in far far too long #at this point i'm p sure i'm on the autism spectrum and/or adhd and only having treatment for depression & anxiety #and having psychs guess at MAYBE things like bpd are the underlying main issue #then not actually doing anything about it #has royally fucked over my quality of life since middle school (: #i don't like talking much about my life bc it's genuinely so embarrassing #but i figure maybe baring a little of my soul will help encourage me to finally take steps forward. #this is basically my happy place. my retreat. my escape. #and byan has effectively become my comfort character and a bit of an outlet #so while i'm out here crying about shit i just want to say a huge thank you to all of you lovely mutuals who have kept me company #and put up with my sharp and glittery little freak and given me all these amazing relationships for them #i'd be doin a whole lot worse if not for y'all you have no idea #thank you i love you and here's to hoping that 2024 is good and a better mental health year for all of us ♡♡♡ #...there's a good chance i'll be embarrassed enough to delete all these tags later tbh #but i'm in basically the last time zone to hit midnight so it's probably late enough that most people won't see it anyway lmao

[weaseltotheface]

ugh i have to start paying my student loans again in September

#i never should have gone to college they shouldn't have trusted me with money it's not a lot but like i was SEVERELY depressed #and did NOT realize and i made bad choices and now i owe a couple thousand dollars still even after all this time #even though i dropped out after a year #because they let me do the max amount of fuckin loan and were like 'ok here u go 18 year old have 5 thousand dollars' what a joke #and then i my depression hit like a train and i stopped going to class and was under academic probation #which made the school go 'ok you owe us 1000 dollars right now because we had to pay that to the government' which was a bad time #and i did not pay that so they TOOK ALL MY MONEY FROM MY BANK ACCOUNT which was also not a good time #and then sent that to collections and they hounded me for years until eventually that just....stopped? which is cool #anyway this was a weird rant sorry!!! i just regret being pressured into going to college when everyone already knew i was bad at school

[koishua]

i want to feel miserable like all customer service workers seem to be, but bc i keep having to smile all day long i am just always so giddy darn it i hate this brain trickery

#tp #so far thr gap year has proven to be .... healthy. suspiciously so #my high school depressed and self loathing days are over and it's all bc i am forced to smile at people #anyhow i have been all over the place last six months lol #not mentally but like literally #oh and the organisation representative thing is going well btw #the 47 pages worth of project proposal was HELL but it's fun #i may be invited to all of the EU meetings which is pretty exciting #it's going to look SO good on my CV #collecting all of the life experiences before hitting 20 is proving to be a rollercoaster but it's worth it #it all feels like a game which is such a psycho thing to say 💔💔

[notjanine]

i am so beyond tired beyond burnout, i went out for coffee this morning and when i placed my order, the barista so gently asked “would you like an extra shot of espresso in that? it’s on the house” and i almost cried. people good sometimes

#that extra shot did me good too #this whole internship has been a race between me finishing and my chronic illness getting more and more severe and #it’s down to the wire and they’re neck and neck #i started my last week of my last rotation by fainting for the first time in over five years since before i resumed school before my surgery #it’s real bad over here 🥹 #BUT me n books had a good conversation about how to better support each other and they’ve been here for me which has been nice #but i don’t LIKE asking for help and relying on other people like this so i’m gonna have to make Getting Better my summer project this year #which will be hard bc the summer depression hits harder at this lower latitude but #i’m gonna do my best. and i won’t have school! for the first time in so long i won’t have school 😶 #i’m so excited to get back into RECREATIONAL learning. just for me. because i like it and i’m curious and that’s good for me #me n Books are planning to move in together around the end of the summer and i was like #Every few months i’ll have to tell you what i’m thinking about studying next so you can pick what you’d most want to hear me infodump about😂 #it’ll be fun! i already have a rabies lesson plan ready to go (downloaded the most recent textbook on it for free from the uni library 😎) #but i also have good resources to learn about the chemistry and oropharyngeal physiology of taste/flavor AND #i found a great book on ancient meso/american cuisine #plus i’ve flagged so many MOOCs for later. about all kinds of stuff #ANYWAY. it’s been a rough couple weeks/months/years but the end is like. right here. i just have to finish

[im-like-if-a-girl]

That one posts that's about the loneliness of young adulthood... yeah. I wish I knew my purpose, what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to be.

#sometimes i wish i were 11 years old again surrounded by friends without a care in the world #but im 18 and a half and feeling lost and hopeless. #i should really go to sleep. that will make me feel better. #college didnt work. i didnt make any friends. and of those i only hung out with them 4 times max throughout the whole year. #4 times. even less. #i didnt put myself out there. i made excuses. no time. too late. have to study. have to do work. #it was so isolating. #and now school is ending and what do i have to show for it? #an average report card and depression. #i was doing better when i was on vacation. i had fun. i enjoyed living. #now that im back the world is hitting me. snap back to reality. and reality sucks. #still unemployed but i guess i didnt look hard enough for jobs after applying to 7 and getting rejected from them all. #maybe i should make an onlyfans and sell pictures of my feet lol. theres always a market for that. #yeah i should really go to bed. ill feel better in the morning. if youve read this far i love you. dont worry about me. goodnight.

[kil9]

today's album recommendation is the album ROONEY by ROONEY its been one of my favorites since i was like 6 years old

#99.txt #the guy in it played the love interest in the princess diaries #i met him once and said i wanted to be a rock star too and hes like cool #i played the cd like crazy but then i left in the disc player of a rental car.... #i wanted to be a rock star SOO BAD as a kid #for YEARS and i learned to play guitar #but i wasnt that good at it #and my confidence was dropping overall and i was becoming depressed once i hit middle school so -.- i gave it up #but i still really like music i wish i could make music kinda #i was always writing songs and they werent half bad

[averbaldumpingground]

Life almost disappears, those summer afternoons spent reading in the park, your head half-leaning on his shoulder. Those mornings in the spring, a little late for work.

It didn't matter then, the way he took two sugars in his coffee. The way you let your hair grow out too long.

But these, the memories we keep, crammed in a shoebox full of polaroids, saved somewhere on a half-forgotten hard drive, they're what remains behind. They're what your sister finds, the weekend that she helps you pack your life.

And then it's sitting on the couch, your kitchen stuff already wrapped in paper. It's styrofoam containers, soda cans. It's wine that she's already drinking from the bottle.

And you can't figure out whose silhouette that was, who showed up to your party with a boa. And she is pretty sure her ex has kids.

But maybe that's why you and I keep postcards. Somebody's bow tie, paperclips, that bit of string.

They don't remind us of some other time, exactly. They're pieces of the people that we were, they're feelings that we'd wanted to hold on to.

#June 12 2023 #I've had 'Spin' by Lifehouse stuck in my head all day. #Is it about some girl? Is it about god? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Who the heck even knows. #I mean that's like a very large percentage of Lifehouse's musical output. #Well this one could also be about parenthood I guess. #And I'm pretty sure 'You and Me' is definitely about Jason Wade's wife and 'Hanging by a Moment' is about god per comments he's made. #But it's a fun party game isn't it? #Speaking of 'Hanging by a Moment'. Even though it came out when I was like 12 and I hadn't yet realized the whole religious thing. #I associate it most with the summer I was 25 and living with my parents for the summer for a grad school internship. #I remember driving my mom's car to work after dropping her off along the way and cranking up the radio. #Unfortunately my options were limited to the pop station (too many commercials) or the Spanish station (I don't speak Spanish) #or the Christian rock station (the one I usually listened to despite my uncomfortable relationship with religion especially at the time). #And the first time I heard them play Lifehouse I was like wtf? Why is the Christian rock station playing something I actually like? #And then I really listened to the words of 'Hanging by a Moment' and I was 'Oooooh.' #And that was how it took me like 13 years to realize a band I liked and owned cds of may or may not have written a bunch of songs about god #Which honestly would have turned 12 year old me off a lot because like it's not fun being an atheist when almost everyone's a dick about it #And I'm not sure it was the healthiest coping mechanism for the whole having my heart shattered by a religious dude when I was 25... #Actually that's not true. That year I mostly played the fuck out of Emmylou Harris's and Bob Dylan's most depressing hits. ('Gold' anyone?) #Followed by Royal Wood's divorce album when that came out. #But blasting the Christian rock station in the car? Definitely kind of intentionally masochistic. But also I really hate radio commercials. #I did listen to a lot of Lifehouse that summer. #So regardless of what the songs are actually about they all remind me of the highway and my mom's old car and carpooling to work. #Except 'Blind'. 'Blind' still makes me cry. #That was a really pointless aside because I don't feel like writing or going to sleep and will probably stay up listening to Lifehouse now. #I guess the moral of that story if it needs to have a moral is: #If you're a godless heathen and someone makes you feel like shit because they act like there's something wrong with you for it #you're much better off not wasting your time trying to understand why they think like that and living your best heathen life instead. #Or something like that. Idk.

[youremyonlyhope]

Pippin is my favorite musical of all time.

But unfortunately, I seem to fixate on it during times of my life when my brain is especially existential, anxious, depressed, etc.

The last few days, I've been thinking about Pippin a lot, reading analyses of it, listening to the music. Just generally enjoying my comfort musical.

Then I remembered that earlier this week, my therapist heard me describing how I feel unfulfilled while unemployed and doing a lot of stuff for other people or to make other people happy and not doing anything for myself, all while having a completely messed up sleep schedule. And she said "Hmm... honestly... that sounds a little like depression."

And I was like "No. No. Because I am doing things. It's not like when I've been depressed in the past." but now that I'm back to fixating on Pippin, I think she was somewhat onto something since that's usually a bad sign. Yay!

#pippin #it's kind of sad that my comfort musical is pippin. but like. it's comforting for a reason. i need the comfort. #i'm currently being overworked by the theater i volunteer with because i was brought on to sew some pieces #and a couple turned into 6 pieces and then adding trims to other things and repairing a bunch of costumes #and completely deconstructing 2 different dresses to make them into new things #and then further alterations and tailoring and yeah this is not what i had signed up for #and how i need to learn to say no because i now have no time to do what i want to do with my free time #plus the jobs i've applied to have not gotten back to me and blah blah blah i'm doing nothing with my life at the moment #and past pippin obsessions have been senior year of high school when i had no clue what to do with my life #into freshman year of college when i was happier but still feeling strange about having no direction #then junior/senior year of college when i once again had no clue what i was doing with my life but about to graduate. #then one year post-college when i was considering leaving my job in the next year-ish to pursue theater #THEN during the really dark era of the quarantine in April just before May hit aka the lowest i've been in over a decade #literally crying every single day i was so stressed and anxious and depressed #and now. after a year of switching jobs. finally thinking i know what i want to do. and now having to actually do it. #while unemployed because my literal dream job that was supposed to last at least 4 months to a year only lasted 2 months

[fakeoutbf]

.

#anxiety tw #i just watched lewis’ documentary #this is gonna be a little tmi so bear with me #genuinely did not know that much about him personally so it’s fucking wild to see all the pressures and anxieties he had to face after #the success of his first album like i can’t even imagine feeling so much pressure over something so complex #huge love to him honestly #i’m gonna side step a little from bc i was watching it with my mom right #and mental illnesses are so fucking complex and different for every person that has them right #so we get to the big climax in which it all starts to build up for him right #and i’ve never said this online before right but my brother’s has diagnosed autism since he was a toddler and he has add and anxiety on top #and my mom’s always been very on top of that with him and tried to get him therapy and shit for it for years #and medication and all that stuff #like to the point where i remember going out of town to get him to a doctor and get him meds and shit #and he hasn’t taken anything in a while and my mom kind of chilled about it after he graduated high school #so she goes ‘you know that’s how your brother is like’ while we’re seeing lewis experience his own anxiety etc #while i’m over here almost crying bc it definitely hit close to home for me and my own personal experience #and it feels so fucking shitty that like bc a professional has never told us that i have an anxiety disorder or depression or any other #fucking mental illness that my mom just brushes off my own feelings and struggles #when some days i can barely get up in the morning and somedays i think about not doing it anymore and every day i sort of harm myself #so i just tell her to shut up and she gets mad when like #i’ve had to hide it for years so she doesn’t get worried then hit the breaking point and asked for help and they didn’t do anything about it #idk i guess i’m just tired of being pushed aside when i’m clearly aching

[daydreaming-in-daisies]

Thank god I'm retaking my cell bio class online because there's no way I'm wasting energy, time, and gas on commuting to that hellish campus twice a week

#Words #Personal #I'm still annoyed that I have to redo this shit #But at least this time around I actually know the material and I can go at my own pace #Idgaf though this time I'm graduating like this is the last time I'm ever doing a biology class #Idk what the hell I'm gonna do afterwards #Hopefully I'm able to get a job so I can resume business shit again #Because I've had to put that on hold for months now #School has gotten in the way of so much it's time to leave #Even though it would've been nice to graduate this semester #And tbh I should've considering how ridiculously close I was to passing #If I pass this time I'll graduate during spring when it's warm out #And I won't have some dusty ass winter graduation #Seasonal depression still hit this year #Not as hard but it was still there #Anyway it's midnight and I need to sleep before I find myself going to bed at 3 AM again lol goodnight

[nancywheeeler]

the clock is ticking. we need to get an adaption of tell the wolves i’m home into production before andrew garfield is too old to play toby

#when i say i've been daydreaming about this casting for a decade now..... #very niche posting but i was reminded shawn levy is adapting all the light we cannot see for netflix which depresses me deeply #which then got me thinking about all the books i read in high school that hit me like a freight train #i'll never be able to read tell the wolves i'm home again as an emotionally unstable sixteen year old #but by god can't i get the andrew garfield adaption i deserve #honestly if he was interested in getting into directing it would be the perfect first project for him #andrew call me i can have all your next career moves lined up for you by end of business day #a shout into the void