#screaming at my past self

[andrwminward]

I’m gonna kms for not buying the deluxe version of the quarry bc now I don’t have 80s throwback Dylan and there’s no point in anything anymore

#screaming at my past self #the quarry #txt

[unionize-aromantically]

guess who's late for lis appointment :(

it's been like 5 weeks too, I need it. But I didn't plan properly.

#screaming at my past self #personal #ink.personal

[cuubism]

I see your "Dream yelling at Desire because 'how dare you make me have feelings for Hob!!'" and raise you "Dream yelling at Desire because 'how dare you make Hob have feelings for me!!'" because it's the only logical explanation for why Hob would claim to want someone like Dream

[ cat screaming crying . jpg ]

Dream storms into Desire’s realm, steps thudding on the uneven floor, rage propelling him forward. He cannot remember ever feeling such anger, such betrayal towards his sibling, not even when he had learned they were behind his imprisonment.

Desire’s games have always gone too far, but this is beyond trying to teach him a lesson, this is beyond what Dream can reconcile, this is simply cruelty.

“YOU,” he thunders, the air shaking around him as he stalks up to where Desire is lying casually on a chaise lounge as if they haven’t just ripped Dream’s one comfort in this life out from under him. “How dare you.”

“Brother, dear,” drawls Desire, popping a grape into their mouth with not a care in the world, “it is rude to simply fly in without even knocking on the door. You wouldn’t like it if I did it to you.”

Blind with fury, Dream grabs them by the throat and hauls them to their feet. Desire lets out a choked gasp, genuinely startled by his vitriol. Their pulse trips under Dream’s thumb.

Desire cannot be killed through something as simple as strangulation, but it truly is tempting to try. “What,” Dream snarls, grip tightening, “what have you done to Hob Gadling?”

Desire blinks at him, torn from their alarm by confusion. “Whomst? Listen, I know you know everybody’s name and their kinkiest fantasy but I honestly can’t be bothered with the details, you’re going to have to fill me in.”

The rage in Dream’s core only flares hotter. “Enough of this charade, you know exactly what you’ve done.”

“No, seriously, I have no idea what you’re—”

Dream whirls away, leaving his sibling staggering in the wake of his grasp. “Was it not enough?” he demands, staring sightlessly into the gleaming red curves of Desire’s realm. “Was the vortex not enough? Was a century of imprisonment not enough for you?” His voice cracks halfway through, and it’s mortifying. “Truly, your hatred of me is untempered by even the slightest compassion.”

Desire’s voice is quizzical when they next speak. “I am starting to wish I was behind whatever this is that seems to have pierced you straight through the heart. I’m afraid my own arrows have missed that organ thus far.”

“Hob Gadling,” Dream insists, but Desire’s seemingly-genuine confusion has him wavering. It’s not like them not to revel in their own victory, and oh, this has been a victory, Dream feels laid lower than even a century in a cage had managed. “You are manipulating him.”

“Once again, I don’t know who that is. But he’s clearly excellent ammunition so I’m certainly going to find out once you leave.”

Dream flexes his hands at his sides, summoning his control. If Desire truly was not behind this, then he’s already made a mistake in coming here. Best not to offer anything else.

Being in Desire’s realm makes this stoicism difficult. The very space brings emotions to the surface, drags feelings up from his stomach that he’s tried so very hard to tamp down. He tastes blood at the back of his throat, his stomach churns, his skin prickles with sweat.

Desire stalks up behind him, sensing all of this. “Now I am curious,” they murmur, dragging a finger up his shoulder, over the collar of his coat and along the back of his neck. “Now I must know what’s go you so riled up.”

“You think you have earned such things?” Dream says through gritted teeth. His heart is pounding hard and uneven such that it physically hurts in his chest, the weight of the Threshold bearing down.

“No need to earn, you can hide nothing from me here.” Desire circles around him to his front, dragging their finger along his collarbone until it lands right at the base of his throat. They look at him from under their lashes, all smug satisfaction. “You are all tangled up in the realm of Desire, aren’t you?”

Dream moves to storm off, but Desire blocks him, nails pressing into his skin.

“Nah-ah, no running away. Let your little sibling help you, hm? As you may know, I am rather wise in matters of the heart.”

The look on Desire’s face is craftiness, glee, not charity or wisdom.

“I neither need nor wish for your assistance,” says Dream, voice hard. “On this, or any other matter.”

“But there is a matter.” Desire leans in and speaks right in his ear. “I can smell the heartsickness on you, Dream.”

There is nothing Dream can say in response to this. Any denial would only be read as falsehood, for Desire does not lie – of late, Dream feels sick with wanting in Hob’s presence, hunger so sharp it turns over into nausea, much like the first time Hob had pushed him to eat after his captivity. How cruel, then, to have his pain eased, his desires sated by a reciprocation that cannot possibly be truly felt.

There is nothing to say, so Dream doesn’t speak. Silence, of course, is its own answer.

“You know, if there’s one thing I have always admired about you, big brother, it’s your willingness to destroy yourself for the sake of passion,” Desire continues. “You’d think that’d be my sort of thing. Who’ve you lost yourself on this time? Demigod? Demon? Dryad? Vampire?”

Dream glares at them, but does not speak.

Desire’s face absolutely lights up as they realize. “Oh. My. God. Is he human? Dreeaaammmmm, my my, maybe your little time out did change you, after all.”

Dream turns away, refusing to give them the satisfaction of confirming. Though he knows this reaction is also a confirmation.

Desire claps their hands. “Oh! I’m so proud of myself. Look at this! Look at the softness of your heart. Look how I can bruise it.”

Dream’s heart, indeed, gives a painful thump. “Should you dare to touch him, even the old laws will not protect you.”

Desire sighs, flopping back onto a couch, legs crossed, head propped in their hand. “Why bother? You’ll destroy it yourself, and that’ll be much more fun.”

I hate you, Dream thinks, like a petulant child. He hates, also, how any argument with Desire makes him feel that way, feelings crowding at the surface of his skin, throat tightening, mind spinning in a chaotic churn. His muscles clench so hard he thinks they might have snapped, were he human, then he forces himself back into a semblance of ease.

There is no extracting himself from this situation with any dignity.

“Interfere with my affairs again,” he warns darkly, “and I will destroy you.”

Then he storms out of the Threshold.

“Love you too!” Desire calls after him, a grin in their voice. “Good luck with your human!”

--

When he’d found Hob at the New Inn, thirty-three years after he’d meant to arrive, Dream had not known how he might be received. Friendship extended once may not be extended again after so brutal a rejection, and so prolonged an absence, no matter that the latter offense was not within his control.

Being met with a smile, then, and an easy acceptance of his apology, like Hob had already forgiven him long before Dream had stepped through the door, had been a revelation. Something had settled in him that he had not known was knocked askew. Could there, truly, be one thing in his life that was allowed to be easy? Where Dream’s missteps were not met with scorn or vitriol or world-shaking consequences, but with grace and the chance to try again?

It seemed improbable, but still Dream had grabbed for it with cold, shaking fingers. Had held that unlikely flame between his palms. Had watched as it grew, hotter and brighter with each smile Hob sent his way, with each gentle brush of fingers as he pressed cups of tea into Dream’s hands, with the hug Hob finally managed to wind him into, once Dream had told him of the true reason for his absence in 1989.

Hob’s grace, Hob’s generosity in inviting someone, something like him into his home, into his life… Dream did not quite know how to hold it, so unlikely it was. He tried, though, oh he tried. And he swore he would not mess it up, not like he had when Hob had first offered his friendship.

He has now, quite royally, messed it up.

He very much doubts Hob will be so generous this time.

He finds Hob where he left him, sitting on the couch in his flat, a book in his hand. He doesn’t seem to be concentrating on it; his thoughts feel scattered in ragged, disturbed daydreams.

He doesn’t even startle when Dream materializes next to him. Though he knows it can be startling to humans, Dream has not been able to break himself of just appearing where he needs to – traversing the long way from point to point is not how he works. But aside from the occasional, teasing, I have a door, you know, Hob never truly complains about these disturbances to his day.

Dream means to offer him an apology. To say, I should not have walked out when you said that you loved me. To say, I am supposed to be better, I am trying to be better.

Instead, just as Hob looks up, the words that trip out of Dream’s mouth, pushed by the flurry of Desire’s realm still pounding within him, are, “Did you speak truly, Hob Gadling?”

Which is a ridiculous question. Dream does not think he has ever heard Hob speak a lie. Still, Dream must have the answer.

Hob’s expression shifts through several incarnations, none of which Dream feels capable of reading. Finally, it settles on the same soft, exasperated understanding Dream remembers being presented with when he’d said, I know thirty years is truly quite late, at their reunion, before he’d told Hob why he was late.

Grace, then. He is to be offered grace, again.

His emotions are still so close to the surface that he has to physically swallow down what he feels about that.

“Of course, I did,” Hob says, and there’s a hint of nerves in it, but he pushes through, he always does. “I wouldn’t lie to you about that.”

His gaze is genuine, open, and no, Desire had not lied – Hob’s feelings are no manipulation of theirs. And while it is tempting to search for other answers, spells or illusions or any number of other causes, Dream knows, deep down, that he will come up empty.

Hob’s feelings are true, are his truth, confounding though that is.

Dream no longer feels capable of holding any of this in his hands.

Instead, he kisses him.

It’s like he is pulled forward by a force outside his own body. He goes to Hob like he had gone to the sugar in the tea Hob had made him, that night at the inn when Dream had first realized how long it had truly been since he’d eaten; he goes to him like he had gone back to the Dreaming after being freed, returning home breathless, lost, changed.

Hob catches him against his mouth, hands cradling Dream’s face. His grip is solid and warm, and he kisses Dream like he looks at him like he speaks to him, with a care Dream hardly knows how to accept. He leans into it anyway, he leans in.

“I wasn’t fishing for a kiss when I said that, you know,” Hob says when they part, still lingering close enough that Dream can feel his heat, his breath. “I meant it in more of— well, that way, for certain, but really, any way you wanted to take it.”

“Any way,” Dream repeats, not sure he comprehends Hob’s meaning.

“Yeah, you—” Hob cuts himself off, letting out a breath, thinking. His hands slide from Dream’s face down to his shoulders, and he holds him there. “I. You just. I want you to know that you’re loved. Not demanding anything of it. Just telling you. Take it however serves you best.”

Dream stares at him, his whole being tripped and restarted at a new rhythm, and Hob gives him a sad smile.

“It’s too big to hold,” he says, and taps his chest. “In here. And besides, I wanted you to have it.”

Dream had had it. Only he hadn’t quite known what he had. The sunshine of Hob’s smiles, sustaining him, a bridge between distant points of light.

Finally, he manages to say, “I felt it. You have been my succor. My… only.”

Hob has captured him more effectively than Burgess’s snare, but this capture is not a prison. It hurts, oh, it aches, but it never wounds.

Hob smiles at him again. There’s still something pained in the creases around his eyes. “I know.”

He’s still touching Dream. His hands run over him, up his neck, over his throat, along his collarbone, and—

catch, on the collar of his shirt, above his heart.

“What happened?”

His voice is tight, now, worried, and— yes. There are bruises on Dream’s chest, crawling up over his breastbone. He had felt them form, and hadn’t stopped them.

Hob’s expression darkens further the longer he looks; he drags the collar of Dream’s shirt down, trying to see how far the damage spreads. “You’ve got bruises all over you. Dream, what happened?”

What happened is Dream stood in the Threshold and his heart beat so hard it drummed right through to the surface of his skin. What happened is it hurt so badly his form shifted to give reason for the pain.

“Desire,” he says, and he does not mean his sibling.

Hob doesn’t seem to understand, but he smoothes a hand over Dream’s heart as if to wipe the bruises away. Dream could will his body to return to its original, unharmed state, but he does not. He lets the blood stay pooled beneath his skin.

Hob sighs, tugging Dream’s coat tighter around him, shielding him from further injury. “Come here, you. You strange creature.”

He pulls Dream in, though he does not have to pull hard. Dream tucks his face into Hob’s neck, reveling in the warm scent of him, woodsmoke from the fireplace down in the inn where they’ve now spent many a long evening, basking in the heat of the flames. Hob’s arms go around him.

Absolution. Dream does not think this is a gift that has ever been granted to him.

“I would also love you,” he says. “If you would accept it.”

“If I would accept it?” Hob repeats. “Darling, your love is a privilege.”

Dream’s heart, in all its bruises and blood, finds rhythm again, and he thinks, though he certainly doesn’t pull away from Hob to check, that his skin clears up partway, too.

#dream literally STOMPING into desire's house and screaming at them #desire being like why are you hitting yourself? while wacking him in the head #truly sibling behavior #dreamling #the sandman #dreamling fic #dream of the endless #hob gadling #desire of the endless #my writing #i made dream like. way too self aware in the first draft of this. then i had to go back and make him LESS self aware lmao #like first draft dream: hm i think perhaps i am doing this because of my past trauma 🤔 #me: babygirl u are not that self aware try again #as per usual. this started as a short little drabble. and got much longer. and much more serious XD

[almightaylor]

taylor and nick please keep going to events and please keep signing those pink and blue books and qg magazines etc… we were so robbed with these kind of interactions during promo feeding off of crumbs like nick tweeting a red heart and taylor’s fireworks ig story that having these interactions now makes me wanna physically explode into bits IM SO HAPPY

#IM STILL NOT GIVING UP ON THAT PUPPY INTERVIEW #please make them win all the awards they were nominated in they deserve it so much and the whole rwrb team #my past self in july 2023 screaming about those firstprince ig acc would be sent into a cardiac arrest if she sees this now #rwrb #red white and royal blue #firstprince #rwrb movie #useralmightaylor

[peaches2217]

I want a Mario tattoo. What should I get? There’s so many options… 😭😭😭

#tw self harm #(just a mention as part of the motivation!) #my therapist recommended I get tattoos as a way to combat sh compulsions #because sh is as much a visual thing for me as it is a sensations thing #and what better to start with than my current hyperfixation? #‘but peaches that’s permanent and you might not be so hyperfixated on mario in the future!’ #okay! but it’s always been part of my life and it’s been a source of great comfort and joy for me this past year especially #I think that’s worth commemorating in ink! #peaches screams into the void

[melit0n]

I need to shout about Distraction for a minute, so bear with me.

First off, ouch. Big fucking ouch. That thing has been licking the wound it helped create ever since it came out.

Second of all, the repetition of "it's too late for me" always being the background noise to an otherwise quite quiet song, other than the breakdown, is absolutely diabolical. The breakdown feels like a panic attack. A complete and utter mental breakdown finished with a scream-sob of something that has permeated the whole song; it's too late for me. It's always been too late, even with the help of Her, She who is not like any other and is far more than one could ask for, it's too late.

It's always been too late. She found him in the cold waters, on the verge of drowning in self hatred and tried to pull him up, but he didn't want to get Her hand damp. He is not worthy of it all and he screams for the final time for Her to let go because it's too late.

And then everything stops. We are back to the beginning; the quiet, repeatative beat of an anxious heart.

What makes it worse? Distraction is a loop. Starts on the same chord and ends on the exact same one with the same beat. She comes back again and again but it's still too late.

Distraction is a loop of self hatred laced with the inner turmoil of a Thing that doesn't believe it can ever get better because it fears the help of others. It believes it's not worthy of touch, and so rots in falling further again as it warps into something it never wanted to be; broken into fractions and driven to distraction.

#this one hurts me #I say a lot of their songs hurts me but this one cuts deep to a personal level #I've spoken about this maybe once or twice before but I suffer from chronic insomnia #so I've spent years trying to fix myself and being afraid of the help of others because I physically cannot be myself anymore #I'm riddled with self hatred tiredness and wounds that at this point I myself am stopping from healing #I've always belived it's too late for me- that I'm past the point of no return- and that I'll eventually die from this #so it was quite euphoric to hear someone scream the exact feelings I've been experiencing for my whole life #apologies for the vent #sleep token #st #distraction #distraction sleep token #this place will become your tomb #tpwbyt #mel's rambles

[abisalli]

Sometimes I think about that time I was at a botanical garden with friends from university and I think this one girl wanted to figure out if I was queer and single because she kept telling me:

“Oh it SURE would be NICE to go on a DATE here ;)) With your GIRLFRIEND….? ;O It sure would be so CUTE to visit the botanical garden with your GIRLFRIEND!!! ;)) What a cute DATE idea it would be!! <3 ;) ;)”

But I absolutely did not get the hint and just kept answering

“Yeah it sure would be cute! ^_^”

#fee rambles #screaming crying throwing up #absolutely did NOT get the hint #in fact I so much did not get it that a friend hat to point it out to me orz #SHAKING MY PAST SELF #HOW WERE YOU THIS DENSE

[skunkes]

yeah i mentioned this in the tags but still wanted to post it instead of deleting so i could get those other thoughts out too, which are like...its insane to still be using this as Bait ykwim? equal parts "i know this isnt true in the slightest so im not bothered" and "it is almost 2024, come on"

#talkys #i didnt even word it well there and i cant find a way to word it properly #to use someones past mistakes as bait to try to get specific negative reactions out of others is so weird to both those parties...ykwim #bc the end goal Was obviously to get me kicking and screaming about how that cant be true! can it? ykwim #which is detrimental to self AND them if they by chance have personally grown past their mistakes #like can you imagine... #my reaction wasnt even offense bc they dont draw like that anymore; + i dont draw like that at all #its more like i know this is some stupid inflammatory ask i rolled my eyes at upon seeing...shoo

[sneeb-canons]

Soul screams exactly like the redeads from ocarina of time when startled

Headcanon #191

#chonny jash #submission #cj soul #i mainly knew majors mask an like. four swords as a kid #but those screams in MM are terrifying #my child self has caused me to be forever scared by the sounds of the past #they do have gr8 dances tho

[carbon--14]

i need a frontiers extra story dlc where shadow is trapped in cyberspace and it just so happens that he’s stuck in ark and ends up completely losing it after a while. stuck there indefinitely with fragmented, painful memories, unsure if anything he’s ever done is right (again), no way out. and then after he breaks free (with the help of sonic, of course) he’s finally able to fully let go, and he and sonic have a heart to heart about everything. he wants to start moving forward rather than looking back, he wants to define himself by his future, not by his past. he wants to live freely in honor of maria. the black arms don’t matter, the amnesia doesn’t matter, the times he’s been tricked by eggman don’t matter. he just wants to be shadow. not a weapon, not a pawn, not the ultimate lifeform. just… shadow. and he hopes sonic can help him learn how to do that.

sega let my boy move on please i’m begging you.

#sonic #shadow the hedgehog #sonic the hedgehog #sonadow #ish?? these hedgehogs gay good for them #ell shut up #NO SPOILERS PLEASE I JUST FINISHED KRONOS #i will WRITE IT MYSELF IF I FUCKING HAVE TO #i’m so sick of this angsty past-obsessed rival character they’ve reduced shadow to #how are we supposed to see him as any kind of protagonist when his entire character is in opposition of the driving theme???? #like. live freely. help others. be your truest self #those are. the fucking themes of the franchise. #like. like that’s what sonic represents #and then there’s shadow who is an antihero yet he’s obsessed with the past and revenge and selfish goals #and he hasn’t been allowed to grow for SIXTEEN FUCKING YEARS #im gonna scream #i’ve been playing frontiers all day cuz i got it yesterday and i WANT MY BOY WHERE THE FUCK IS MY HEDGEHOG

[macemage]

Sometimes I think about the possibility of having a mental illness. I'm not diagnosed with anything and I don't want to self-diagnose since lots of symptoms can be overlapped with several illnesses.

I've never thought about having adhd, I don't think I have difficulties focusing and I'm not a hyperactive person. I have friends who are diagnosed with it and all of them don't want meds, are trying to get off of them or to less them as much as possible, meanwhile I see people on the Internet thriving taking meds. Idk if it's just not wanting to take a drug to function?? [That would be kinda funny bc most of them self-medicate (and not just with weed).] Or it's the wrong meds or something else.

I have also lots of friends with depression and I have always related to their experiences but I didn't really thought about having it too until my therapist told me so. I'm not really diagnosed tho? I don't have a piece of paper to confirm it and if I did would that change anything?

Like, maybe I'll be more gentle with myself if I had a confirmation or maybe others will be less harsh with me if they knew but I really doubt that.

I heard that a trait of adhd is procrastinating but like the feeling of being trapped inside your own body trying to scream at yourself to do something and instead doing completely unrelated stuff. It's probably the only adhd thing that smacked me in the face because I'm a big procrastinator and I keep telling myself that I'll do it later or tomorrow until it's too late to do it and does it matter anymore now since is way too late?

I've also always related with most autistic traits but it's the same thing with depression again, does it really matter if I do? Will I be really willing to try meds? Do I really need to take them? Is it just the part of myself still in denial talking?

It's really difficult to recognise that I've been lying to myself, I've been repeating constantly that I'm fine that I don't need help that I can deal with this alone. A part of me is still convinced that I'm making stuff up that I'm just a weirdo trying to fake a really serious mental illness to feel special.

I don't want to self-diagnose myself but maybe I'll try some random stupid quizzes?

Like, what am I going to do about it anyway?

#mental illness #mental health #depression #adhd #autism #vent #vent post #vent blog #screaming to the void #my thoughts #thoughts #dear diary #diary #journal #writing #therapy #psychology #trauma #past trauma #healing #self healing #recovery #i hope at least #procrastination #medication #recreational drug use #tw drugs

[generalsmemories]

I NEED YALL TO KNOW THAT DAN HENG NEEDS TO FACE HIS DAMN PAST TO ACTUALLY MOVE ON AND NOT KEEP RUNNING.

IF HE KEEPS RUNNING THAT'S LITERALLY CEASING HIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT RIGHT THEN AND THERE. DAN FENG IS A PART OF DAN HENG WHETHER OR NOT HE LIKES IT BUT HE HAS TO CONFRONT THAT PAST HES RUNNING AWAY FROM.

There's a reason why he remembers bits and pieces of his past life because he never fully went through the reincarnation process because the high elders didn't want to lose the dragon lineage. It's a reason why he remembers and it's why he also runs away.

But he needs to face said was past involving Dan Feng to be able to actually live as himself SO STOP CODDLING HIM SAYING HE DID NO WRONG HE HAS A SHARED SIN FOR A REASON 😮‍💨😮‍💨

#narus' corner #my danmei loving self coming through with this but tumblr fandom with dan heng is like coddling a newborn baby #like no #let him face his past #jing yuan is already giving him ample decision to help out in favor of helping him NOT become a shadow of his past self #but he has to FACE SAID PAST TO BE ABLE TO MOVE ON #screams #the moment someone asks me for more detailed reasoning is the day its over for yall.

[learnelle]

.

#Do some of you guys remember when I used to make lil update posts on the dates I went on? 👀❤️ #And those updates stopped at person number 3? On January 6th? I forgot to mention it earlier but we’re officially together 🥺💕 #This morning we were talking about books and I came to a realisation that I haven’t finished a single book this year so far #(After reading 58+ books last year 😳) #That conversation made me realise that it’s because I’m just so happy now 🥺 #I read so much last year as a form of escapism and now I struggle to finish any book because I feel content 🥺🥺 #2022 was the worst year of my life and so everyday now just feels like a blessing #While my bf was taking a shower this morning I went to grab us a baguette and I just felt so jolly in the sunlight and just full of love #I’m 1000% certain that things always get better and I wish I could scream that to my hopeless past self #I hope the rest of the year will be kind to us all 🥹

[note-boom]

Just putting in my two cents for this episode.

One? Fukuchi is ANNOYINGLY op, sorry, but in a really interesting way so I'm also not too mad. I also get slight (just slight) vibes that he's also on the good guys' side? Either he will be defeated as a villain by the end of this or something will come up that actually, he time travel-orchestrated all this all along and he was always on the side of the good guys, idk.

Two? "Sorry, I skipped literature class"

Tachihara, you are PART of literature class

#sorry i just heard that line and my mind forgot everything else #anyway AJFWIOEREWIORJEIAROWEJSAEIORJWER #IM SCREAMING TACHIHARA WAS SO COOL AND I HATE THAT FUKUCHI IS SO OP WHY #but also like....there's that possibility too right? #can send info to his past self. increase abilities. i bet because plot he could send info to his past self to defeat fyodor or whatever #or maybe not i honestly really dont know #but there IS that distinct convoluted plot possibility so im just gonna throw it out there #anyway what about that episode....tachi and aku and all the vampires... #and the airport arc. THIS MEANS AYA KODA YOU GUYS SHE'S THE ONLY ONE I CARE ABOUT NOW #sorry for smashing all my scattered thoughts into one post again XD #bsd #bsd season 5 #bsd s5 spoilers #bsd spoilers #bsd tachihara #bsd fukuchi #bsd musings #spitting nonsense #bsd theories

[nikkashidashipper]

typing "90s/00s teenage dirtbag playlist" into the youtube and the spotify search bar with no shame at this point and blasting that shit cause i may be cringe and delusional but also plagued by a wasted youth so this is really not going to help anything is it

#yearning for a life that simply couldnt have been but the idea of which feels so familiar and somewhat comfortingat the same time #saw scream 1996 for the first time and then two more times in under 24 hours and it altered my brain chemistry i fear #setting the vibes *just right* for doing my tshot #lmao #resisting the urge to watch trainspotting and fight club also because boy oh boy it would not help my current state #or breaking bad yknow #ive had a fever on and off for the past three-four days. i am not above blaming whatever this is on this fact #t4lx.txt #scream 1996 take one baybey #im choosing to ignore the fact that this is a harbinger of an increasing subconscious urge to spiral back into self destructive tendencies #none of those words are in the bible

[sapphicsnzs]

currently crying in the library while studying

#self obs #i’m so stressed and anxious i wanna scream #i hate being negative cause i don’t wanna put my energy on anyone else #but fuck i’m so tired of being positive all the time #i literally have been having bad week after bad week and i can’t talk to anyone about it #i also feel like i’m everyone’s emotional sounding board and no one does the same for me and then i have to hold all my frustration in #no one even asks me how i am anymore or cares enough to listen to the answer #this sounds so dumb but everyone around me only talks about themselves #like literally the past two days i’ve hung out with friends and both times people there were like i didn’t even know that was going on #i’m just so tired of feeling like no one cares about me or that i’m wasting my energy when i say a single thing about myself #i have therapy tomorrow and i feel like it’s gonna be a cry through the whole session kinda day #i’ll probably delete this in like 20 minutes cause i’m being stupid