#secondly. they didn't mean to hurt me.. so why should I be upset

[forever-rogue]

hi i really love all your stories and i wanted to request a steve harrington x reader. my ex boyfriend was huge asshole and would constantly make fun or make me feel bad about almost anything like my music taste or quirks i do when im nervous and it really messed with me after we broke up and i was wondering if u could write a story where steve notices and is just a big sweetheart about it and comforts you. thanks 💚

AN | First of all, I’m sorry anyone ever made you feel like that bb, no one deserves that. Secondly, Steve remains the best, change my mind 🥺

Warnings | Language, Discussions of bad past relationships

Pairing | Steve x Fem!Reader

Word Count | 3.7k

Masterlist | Steve, Main

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"Can I ask you something?" 

Why was it that singular question that always made your anxiety spike up immediately? Your heart skipped a few beats before slamming against your ribcage as you looked at your boyfriend with wide eyes.

"Y-yeah," you choked on the single syllable as you tried to put on a calm face. Ugh. He should have known better than that. That was a general life fact - you don't ask that question, "what is it?"

He paused for a few, an affectionate chuckle leaving his lips as he reached over and put a warm hand on your face, his thumb brushing over your cheek. You couldn't help the fact that you preened into his gentle touch, "I'm not going to ask you anything bad. And don't even lie and say you weren't worried, I saw the look on your face!"

"I…wasn't lying," you smiled meekly as he raised an eyebrow. You playfully scoffed, trying to hide your face in your hands, feeling warm all over under his intense scrutiny.

"Nuh uh," his hands wrapped your wrists with ease as he pulled your hands away from your face, "no hiding from me, pretty girl."

"Steve…" your lips formed a cute little pout as you looked at him shyly. He hadn't even said anything but his look made you so nervous. You wanted to crawl in on yourself more than anything, "just ask…please."

"Don't take this the wrong way, okay?" Oh no. You didn't like the sound of that, but nodded anyway, "I've just noticed that…sometimes you don't seem to have much of an opinion on things. Like.. maybe that's not quite the right way to put it…more like you don't share your opinion. Why?"

"What do you mean?" well. You'd been dreading this moment. The moment that Steve Harrington realized you were nothing but a boring, pathetic girl. You swallowed the lump in your throat, already feeling the tears stinging at the back of your eyes, "I-I like lots of things, ya know?"

"I know but…they always seem to be the things I like," he shrugged lightly and you could tell there was no malice in his words, "I'm sure we do like a lot of the same things but what about you? Just you?"

"Steve."

"I know so much about you," his voice was so gentle that it almost hurt. You almost would have preferred for him to yell at you or sound mad or something, "but there's still so much I want to learn. It almost feels like you're hiding a part of yourself from me."

"I'm not hiding anything from you," you scoffed and shook your head. Your faze shifted away. Unable to look at him any longer, knowing you'd see hurt in those pretty eyes you loved so much, "its nothing, Steve. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

“Sweetheart, I’m not trying to upset you,” he went to put his hand on your shoulder but you flinched out of his touch, “I just…I don’t know, I want you to feel comfortable with telling me anything. And I feel you’re holding back sometimes. You know you don’t have to do that for me.”

“If you feel that way, then why are you with me?” you stood up and off the couch before he could get a word in, your eyes threatening to spill over with tears. You hadn’t meant to snap at him; seeing the worried look on his face broke your heart, “I-I…I’m sorry, Steve. I gotta go.”

You were up and away, leaving his house as quickly as possible without even giving him a chance to catch up. The worst part of all was that you didn’t even have your own car; he’d picked you up. But that didn’t stop you from almost running down the street. By the time Steve had caught up with what was going on, you’d already disappeared far enough to where his shouts of your name were nothing but a soft, panicked sound in the distance.

This day couldn’t have gotten any worse. And you might just have lost the best thing that ever happened to you.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You managed to avoid Steve for three whole days. They were the longest and worst days of your life, but that was beside the point. It seemed like after a harrowing seventy-two hours apart, neither of you could stand it any longer. Maybe Robin had been right - maybe you really were just fools disgustingly in love with each other. 

You’d decided that you were going to head over Family Video to talk to Steve; the fact that it was the middle of his shift didn’t even phase you.

Steve had decided that he was going to come and see you, at least wanting to try and find you, and if you weren’t home he would have waited. 

The two of you almost ran into each other on the steps in front of your house. You’d both had the same idea - you couldn’t stand being apart. 

“Steve,” his name fell from your lips like sweet honey and the boy almost melted at the sound. He’d been deprived of hearing your voice, of hearing you say his name for too long. 

“Sweetheart,” his honey brown eyes softened immediately as he looked you over and realized that you were okay. He hesitated, unsure of what he should do, what you would allow him to do. He wanted to wrap his arms around you, but also didn’t want to push your boundaries. But you didn’t hesitate to throw your arms around him, pulling him to your frame as tightly as possible. He was surprised by the warmth in your action but didn’t hesitate to return it. You buried your face in his chest, letting his touch, and smell overwhelm him.

“I’m sorry,” your voice was muffled by the soft fabric of his polo shirt as he squeezed you just a little tighter, “I’m so sorry. I should have snapped at you and I shouldn’t have run away like that. ‘m sorry.”

“No,” he kissed the side of your head, closing his eyes as he breathed in the familiar scent of your fruity shampoo and perfume, “don’t apologize. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“B-but,” you pulled back from him, and he could feel your body  shaking lightly as your lips trembled with effort as you tried not to cry. His large, warm hands cradled your face tenderly as he brushed his thumb over your cheek, wiping away the tears you hadn’t even realized had run down your face, “I was awful to you. You asked me a simple question and I just snapped.”

“You weren’t awful,” he promised and despite his reassurance, you still didn’t feel any better. It was almost infuriating how golden hearted he was sometimes, “we had a minor…hiccup, but that’s it. We’ll get through it.”

“Y-you’re not breaking up with me?” your lips were drawn into a pretty pout and Steve couldn’t help but chuckle fondly as he shook his head. You’d been slowly coming to terms with the fact that he was going to dump you and you were going to have to learn how to leave without him. But apparently that hadn’t even crossed his mind, “are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Why?” your question was so soft and sweet that it brought a smile to his face. You’d always be his silly, beautiful girl.

“Because I’m so in love with you,” he leaned in so he could brush his nose against yours, “and you don’t just quit on those you love. You’re not going to get rid of me that easily, sweetheart. When I said I was yours forever, I meant it.”

“I meant it too,” you whispered softly, “I love you, Steve. So much…”

“Why do I feel like there’s a but coming?” a huff of nervous laughter escaped his lips as you pulled back ever so slightly, creating a small but noticeable distance between your bodies, “sweetheart?”

“But…” he knew you so well, sometimes it was almost scary, “I just feel like…if you knew all of me, you wouldn’t love me anymore.”

“You really think that?” he seemed almost upset that you would think so little of yourself. He shook his head, wishing you would give yourself more credit than that. Wishing you could see yourself as he saw you, “there’s nothing you could do to ever make me love you less.”

“Are you sure?” you asked softly, “what if - “

“I’m sure,” he put a gentle finger to your hands before you could even open your mouth to say anything else, “and don’t give me some random weird little thing hypothetical like if you were a murderer. I mean it - I love you as you are.”

“Okay,” you sniffled lightly, nodding your head, “yeah, okay. Do you wanna come in and we can talk?” 

“You sure?” this time it was your to lean in and you brushed your lips against his. He hummed in content, before putting his hands on your waist, his grip tight but protective as he deepened the kiss. You let him take control and let him kiss you dizzy until you were both breathless. He pressed his forehead against yours as his pretty eyes closed, long eyelashes feathering against your cheek, “I guess you are sure.”

“Positive.”

You gave him a soft smile before reaching for his hand and threading your fingers together. You opened the door, tugging him along with you. He easily complied, following you after without hesitation. Truthfully, he would have followed you anywhere and you wouldn’t even have to ask. 

“Come on,” you kicked your shoes off and bounced up the stairs, leading him up. He’d been to your house on several occasions, but this still all felt so new to him. He felt like he was going to see you in an all new light. At the top of the stairs you stopped and turned to him, offering him a shy, sweet smile. With you standing at the top and him on the step below you were the same height for once. That caused you to giggle before pressing a soft kiss to his lips, “I really, really like you.”

“That’s funny,” there was a pretty little blush that crept into his cheeks as his big bright eyes watched you intently, “‘cause I really, really like you too.”

You were practically glowing as you padded down the hall with him coming after you intently. When you stopped at your bedroom door, you hesitated for a moment - he’d never technically been in your bedroom before. And that had been for a purpose before…in retrospect it all seemed so silly and childish. Why had you ever doubted Steve, even for a moment?

You opened the door slowly and stepped in, motioning for him to follow, but watching his face curiously to see how he would react. A pretty, bright smile spread across his face as he took it all in. Your space was tidy and organized, feminine to a touch, but the rest was all - 

“Oh,” Steve went to your shelf and looked at some of the hand-painted figurines that lined your wall. Your heart almost dropped into your stomach as you realized that his reaction was already mirroring that of your horrible ex-boyfriend.

“Steve-”

“This is so cool!” 

Oh. Oh. That wasn’t what you weren’t expecting to hear. He touched a few of the intricately painted fantasy figures before looking at the posters of the various bands you liked, the stack of books that are to be read on your desk, and collection of obscure vhs tapes that were waiting to be returned. He turned back to you, his brown eyes twinkling with curiosity as you simply shrugged in a small gesture as if to say ta-da. 

“Y-you’re not making fun of me, right?” you asked softly and he shook his head fervently. How you could not see that he was already so very whipped for you. 

“I would never,” he promised and that’s when you saw the mischievous little glint in his eyes, “I happen to like quirky little nerds quite a bit.”

“I-I’m not-”

“Oh honey,” tender affection laced his words as he wrapped his arms around you and picked you to spin you around. You shouldn’t help but giggle at his playfulness, “you don’t have to lie to me, or ever feel like you have to hide yourself from me. You, sweetheart, are totally a little nerd. I can’t believe that you felt like you couldn’t share this part of you with me.”

“Steve,” your eyes were teary, but this time the tears weren’t of fear or worry, but deep affection for the pretty boy in front of you, “it’s…not you. It was never you.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked gently, his grip around you tightening as he tried to silently tell you that it was okay, that he wanted you to open up to him. You hesitated for a moment before slowly nodding, “it’s okay if you don’t want to or you’re not ready, sweetheart. But I’m always here for you, and I'll be here when you’re ready.”

“I know,” you promised softly, “I trust you, Steve. And I love you.”

“I love you,” you couldn’t help but kiss him gently at that. You sat down at the edge of bed and he followed suit, his body pressed against yours as he reached for your hand and laced his fingers through yours. 

“You know it seems so silly,” you confessed, as you laid your head on his shoulder, “especially when I think about saying it out loud.”

“I don’t think anything related to your thoughts and feelings is silly,” his reassurance came in the form of a soft whisper and a kiss to the side of your head, “really.”

“My ex boyfriend he was…well, at the time I thought he was wonderful, you know? Like he was so wonderful and amazing, but in reality he was a huge jerk and wasn’t good at all,” you sighed heavily, but already felt the tiniest bit better even getting that much out, “he was kinda like that ‘all-american’ good boy, you know? He was the pretty boy jock and everything was appearances to him and looking cool and basically being some sort of mindless robot. And for whatever reason, I convinced myself that was okay for a long time. He was the first person to show any kind of interest in me and I guess I thought I needed that at the time.”

“Did he…was he-”

“No,” you shook your head, happy to at least dispel that much, “he just wasn’t very nice to me. He thought I was pretty, and he liked that I was smart, but he didn’t like much else about me. So, he basically told me that I shouldn’t talk about the things that I was into, the things that weren’t ‘cool.’ At first it upset me, but it was just at the time that I wanted to be accepted and liked. And that’s what I did, I just kind of shoved myself away and did what everyone else did.”

“That’s so…” he’d shifted his body so he was facing you, a hurt expression on his face as he processed everything you had said. You offered him a meek smile and a shrug of your shoulders, “fucked up. I can’t believe that anyone would do that to you, or say that your interests weren’t valid or acceptable.”

“I mean, I feel like it’s partially me too,” you confessed, “I could have walked away but I stayed with him. It just felt like…I couldn’t leave in a way? But now I realize just how stupid it all was. I could have just said no. But I didn’t.”

“But you can’t blame yourself for that,” he insisted, “we were all impressionable when we were younger but that doesn’t mean that we should blame ourselves for things that we did. Besides that, it just seems like he was a huge asshole and just wanted you to make him look good. If anything, he was just insecure about himself.”

“You always know just what to say, don’t you?” you sighed softly, finding your boyfriend watching you with a tender expression, “one of the many things I love you about, Steve Harrington.”

“I mean, I am pretty rad,” he teased, running a hand through his soft brown locks, “but so are you, angel. Can I ask what made you break up with him?”

“I don’t know,” you admitted softly, “at some point I just realized that enough was enough. I’d gotten tired of hiding who I was and always having to be on eggshells around other people. So one day, I guess I had a moment of confidence because I just broke up with him. The worst part - maybe also the funniest - was that he didn’t even seem to care. He just said okay and that was that.”

“Wow,” Steve sighed as he shook his head, “he made the worst decision of his life, letting you just walk away. Thankfully, that worked out in my favor, because I got to meet you.”

“Yeah,” that was definitely the best part of all - you got to meet the love of your life, “I agree. Breaking up with him was the second best decision of my life.”

“What’s the first?”

“Deciding I needed to rent a bunch of movies on a random Tuesday afternoon and meeting the pretty boy that was working at Family Video,” he practically melted at the memory of meeting you, of you walking into the store like it was no big deal when in reality you had just knocked his entire world upside down. Steve was a romantic at heart, but he’d never believed in true love until he saw you. And then everything had made sense, it was like everything fell into place. He was looking at you with the sweetest expression and it made you want to hide your face with shyness, “don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?” there was a teasing lilt to his voice that you adored, “like I’m in love with you?”

“Yeah,” you admittedly shyly, “like that.”

“But it’s true,” he insisted as you nodded.

“I know, Stevie,” you leaned in and he quickly got the hint as he pressed the most saccharine of kisses to your lips, “thank you for listening to me…and not, you know, judging me.”

“I would never,” you knew he meant it, “and I’m glad that you were able to share that with me. And I hope you know that you never, ever have to hide anything from me. I love you as you are, even all the little bits and pieces you don’t love as much.” 

“I won’t…I just feel silly thinking I ever had to hide from you,” you lightly groaned as yourself, “I know, and I have known, that you would never judge me or anything. You are much too good for that. I guess I just wanted to fit in and wanted you to like me. You’ve always just seemed so cool.”

“Me?” he scoffed playfully as you beamed at him, “cool? Have you seen the dorks that are my friends? I haven’t been cool since…it's been a long time, and honestly, I’m glad we didn’t meet back then. I don’t think you would have liked me at all.”

“Steve-”

“I mean it,” he insisted nervously, “I was umm…kind of a huge dick. I probably was closer to your ex than what I am now.”

It was hard picturing the man in front of you to be anything but the soft-hearted, kind-spoken person he was. He nodded and you touched his face, ghosting your fingers along his freckles, “what changed?”

“I don’t think I ever really did,” he confessed softly, “I think I just realized that I was going along with everything and looking for acceptance and love in all the wrong places. Turns out I had neither of those things back then and I realized that eventually. It just took a good knock on the head - literally and figuratively.”

“Oh my love,” you couldn’t stop yourself from climbing into his lap and wrapping yourself around him like a koala. You knew that Steve didn’t have much of a relationship with his parents, and it made sense as to why he loved his found family so much. He’d always just wanted love, as you had, “I guess we both were silly fools, huh?”

“Something like that…” he agreed softly, “promise me you won’t hide yourself away from me?”

“Pinky,” you held up your hand, pinky out as he laughed and hooked his finger around yours, “now it’s official.”

“Silly girl,” he brought your hand to his lips. He was quiet for a moment before his whole face lit up, “you remember my friend Eddie, right?”

“Of course,” you liked his friends, and you loved that he included you with his group of friends. They’d all been more than kind and you really enjoyed spending time with them, “I don’t think I could forget someone like him…”

“Yeah…” he nodded in agreement before both of you laughed, “he’s something. But - he’s really into Dungeons and Dragons, along with Dustin, Lucas, and Mike. I don’t know if that’s quite up your alley, but I’m sure they’d love to teach and have you play with them.”

“I…that could be very fun,” your heart melted at the thoughtful gesture as you stole a few sweet kisses from him, “I’d love that.”

“I would have said something a lot sooner,” he teased playfully, “but one little dork didn’t want me to know her secrets.”

“I’m not a dork,” you pouted cutely; you both were well aware of the fact that you were a dorky nerd. He raised an eyebrow and the serious face you were trying to keep disappeared and you dissolved in a fit of giggles. Steve took the opportunity to take your face in his hands and peppered kisses all over your face, “fine, fine, fine! But - I’m just a dork, I’m your dork.”

“My sweet, pretty, wonderful little dork,” he praised and you couldn’t help but blossom under his sweet words, “I love you.”

“I love you too, handsome,” you pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, “so much, in all the ways.”

#steve harrington #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington one shot #joe keery #joe keery x reader #joe keery x you

[heyyyitsmegen]

Anonymous this is for you!

AS TO YOUR LAME ASS EXCUSES YOU MADE UP FOR EVERY SINGLE CON I MENTIONED OF CONRAD'S:

He didn't have to be petty. Jeremiah didn't act like that. Yes, he yelled. But when you think that the girl you like actually liked you back because she spent her summer kissing you... you would be mad too at least I would. Conrad's actions were inexcusable in this case.

I guess we will see won't we?

Here you go bringing up Jeremiah's hook up count (You're just like Conrad, aren't you?)

If she didn't want anyone to know about her cancer... then why did Conrad know? Make it make sense when you are trying to argue with someone who can show receipts/evidence.

At least Jere said something to her and didn't call her a "Brat."

He was basically trying to make Belly feel insecure.

Still. He said it and it obviously hurt Belly.

Nope. That is strictly Jeremiah's thing.

I cannot agree with this (like I agree with anything you are saying) but his tone was mocking and belittling.

I would have liked him to say... "Belly. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. Jeremiah is the better choice."

Jeremiah's "wattpad lines" (so you say) were way better than Conrad's lines. At least Belly didn't shut Jeremiah down. Ijbol.

Wow. Really good point *says sarcastically*. His remarks visibly upset Belly and Jeremiah and he was being petty (like always).

So did Jeremiah. But the difference is Jeremiah knows what he wants and doesn't take it back when he feels like it.

Why would a girl show up in Conrad's dorm and ask if she left her sweater there? (mind you she goes to brown so it would makes sense for it to be a brown sweater) And why wasn't it found? And why would Conrad conveniently have one in Belly's size (mind you the girl and belly looked the same size) and we cannot forget the whiteboard outside on the door (the kiss and 'call me'). They definitely had a thing going on.

Haha. The fact that you said Adam should have been helping made me burst out laughing because when has the boys ever been able to rely on their dad?

Yeah. But he still wasn't over it. During their flat tire fight when Belly said… "I mean, you were seeing other people. We thought you were over it." He said to Belly... "Because otherwise, I was that pathetic loser that was keeping you guys apart." NOT OVER IT!

Nope. Conrad unquestionably criticizes Jeremiah. Criticize can mean... "form and express a sophisticated judgment of" and judgment means... "is an opinion that you have or express after thinking carefully about something." Which Conrad did during the whole car ride. Ex: 'Finch is fun', exposing Jeremiah's hookup count.

Wow. So what you are trying to say is... Jeremiah can't get mad Like, Conrad is the only one who can act like a dick? Hmm. Noted.

Yeah you are so right. So stop using Jeremiah punched Conrad as one of Jeremiah's flaws. Okay!

I'm honestly so glad you said this because, if you are excusing Conrad's actions and how he reacted to the kiss then I can excuse how Jeremiah acted when he found out Conrad and Belly kissed. So thank you for saying this.

What you said didn't relate to what I said at all. I said... "he makes Belly feel insecure" and yet you started talking about how he was a good bf until the prom and then proceeding to call out Jeremiah. Here are some examples of him making Belly feel insecure: "I liked you better with glasses." "Why don't you go look in the mirror some more." "Stop being such a baby!"

This is not your fault... it was the way I worded it. But, I was talking about how in book 3, every time he would see Belly and Jeremiah together (being romantic) he would leave (like a cry baby).

Firstly, I am referring to the books and show in this list. Secondly, he literally took Belly by the shoulders and was shaking her.

You are so funny I literally can't. You said Jeremiah doesn't apologize? Wow. Are we watching the same show because he literally apologized to Belly. And like I said Conrad doesn't take blame for his actions. Ex: "Grow up." Every time someone calls him out on his shit he says this.

Not making fun of his looks. Was making fun of the face he was making.

Ok. So is Jeremiah but you don't see him dictating the mood of everyone around him.

"And?"... And he's lazy.

Again, talking about both the books and show. Him showing off Nicole was immature on his part. But that's nothing new to him. LOL.

You know what, I take back what I said. Conrad is not dumb. Because, you cannot sit there and tell me that a Stanford bound student of his intelligence level could not see the sexual tension building up between Jeremiah and Belly. And as for the firework incident... no one got hurt. Yeah it was wrong. But, everyone made it out alive. Also he was mad because he loves Belly and he thought she loved him and then she goes and kisses Conrad. Of course he was angry. So was Conrad. Make it make sense babes.

Very cringe. Haha. Who has a plan for pursuing someone these days? It's literally 2023. Crazy that him and Steven see Belly as a plan. If you think about it, it kinda sounds like he's trying to win Belly. Y'know because that's what you bonrad girlies are always saying Jeremiah is trying to do. Ctfu.

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#conrad fisher #anti bonrad #conrad fisher cons #tsitp conrad #i ate ngl

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Nightmare part 2 (Part one here)

Dont repost anywhere online or print reblog snd feedbacks are welcome.

Warningw are angst a whole lotta angst steve thinking the reader(female wanted to hurt herself she doesnt) Steve being a Shmuck and thick headed. Steve completely missing the points.. so hes basically acting like a man lol

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"It wasn't that,"   I paused.  Trying to figure out how to expain this to Sam in this "counciling session" on an empty flior witj two odly shapped red couches, modern isn't word maybe avant gauard. They face eachother and almost come to a point at one end which is why or how rather Sam and he4 were so close together I know steves job. I qlways knew it and it wasn't  that. I wouldn't have even dated him if that was an issue. I mean it's  sorta like being a cop but he comes back to me dirty and bloody its not even the dirt. Its the blood. Like ," I paused and its his blood. Its not like he says its not my blood. He just i hate seeing him covered in blood walking around like it's....paint from working at a preschool with kids. And the way he treats me. I felt like he more or less pushed valium on me. I mean i know if I had said no he would've gone ok but then listed why I shud take it Nd hiw itll help make me feel better. Like I just give in not wanting the conversation because its not the conversation I want to have with him even this he just told you he didn't  talk to me first rhat you should talk to sam hes a counselor or talk to someone like he thought I was going to kill myself and this is hw he handles it. Know I know why he goes through girlfriends. Man doesn't freaking talk." Sam just kinda stared at me listening and nodding. "God I'm sorry Sam," I dropped my shoulder and put my head in my hands. "I know you and Steve are best friends and I dont mean to talk about your best friends like that it's just frustrating. I feel like we're  playing a game of freaking telephone i say something he tell you then you tell me theen I tell tou and you'll tell him and then hell talk to me i mean it's  just." I was getting frustratingly upset.... if that's even a word. "Hold up. First I'm  not going to tell Steve shit. As far as I'm concerned  this session is between you qnd me. You could tell me you killed someone and I'd  say nothing ok. And secondly. You're  right. Steve should have talked to you. And he never shohld pressure you to take meds. The dude's intense. If you feel like you need to give in to him or else. It's not healthy. Look I love Steve like you said he's  my best friend and as much as I... your relationship isn't  just about him. It's about you too. And if you can't  handle it you can't  no one will blame you or fault you. Especially Steve.

"Sam you dont get it. He." I swollow  "I mean we're living togeather. I thought it was fast. But I'd felt so happy around him and I thought I wanted that all the time but it's it's  not like that." "Did you tell him how you feel?" "Oh yea sam that make sense. How many hydra ya kill save any  hotigaes by the way btween you relaxing for 12 hours mission deprefeffibg and then the next brief  and sleeping and eating cause you you leave again in two days need to tell you you gotta talk to me diffrent. Bye have fun.' When do I talk to him?"

"You need to look I know Steve he doesn't want yiu to be unhaply. He's  doing what he thinks is good for you. But if its not you need to tell him."

"How. Can he join us? Like here come to one?" Sam sat up to tell her no. "Well I-" "Friday where is Steve?" "Captain Rogers is in the gym." "Can you have him come up to meet me and Sam?"

Sam watched as Steve entered the room and  she started to shrink a bit. Her shoulders dripped a little she curled up a bit. Even after Steve gave her a kiss. Before sitting on the couch across from Sam.  "What the hell is going on here?" He thought watching the strong girl who insisted Steve come dissapeared. "How's  it going? How do you feel babe?" While Steve had his hand on her leg and looked at her briefly he immediately looked at Sam.  She watched the scene. Sam gestured to her She looked at Sam, who only provided two words- “Go on" "Steve, wa-" she took a deep breath looking at the floor. "Why didn't  you talk to me and go right to Sam?" "Well you said-" "I’m not suicidal. I was talking about us. I-" she paused and sighed, "I dont think I can do," she took a breath "us anymore. You didn't even think to talk to me? And you just." She looked at Steve and he was just taking in the information. And trying not to show how hurt he is. Another girlfriend leaving. "Steve you, you just. I felt like you forced the valium on me and didnt give me a chance to think. And everytime I say no it's  an argument and its besides the fact that it woudir wouldnt help. I just felt like I had to give in. I had to take it. But this Steve?" She gestured. "This is  beyond ridiculous. And you don't get it don't get how... isolating things can get either I everyone hates me the agents treat me like a, I dont know and, your teemates?" she finally turned and looked up at Steve  and sighed,  "I mea. Minus Sam I- Steve no on wants me here." She starts to tear up. "That's not true." "Steve you don't  see it. "The other agents just stop talking when I'm around. Someone told me your other girlfriends got agents in trouble and on desk duty so they're scared me of me practically or mad I don't know all I know if I'm universally ignored... by everyone." Steve opened his mouth to say something but she continued, "And the rest of your "team mates"," she used air quotes, " the avengers. I see how they look at me. Tony side eying me, Nat is constantly sizing me up. I know Bruce is quiet anyway and Clints been nice but I haven't really seen him. Haven't met Thor so..." She leaned back and crossed her arms with a huff. "Well I-" Steve didnt know what to say. His eyes were blinking.  The only thought  that he had was- "So that's it its over?" She rolled her eyes, "That's what you took from the whloe thing is that we're over?"

She rolled her eyes, "That's what you took from the whle thing is that we're over?" "Well yes." His eyes were wide unable to understand why she didnt understand his concern was for her to be with her fuck the of the team, screw the other agents. He wanted her to stay. Her mouth dropped open in disbelief. And Sam could see she was getting angry and Steve was missing the points. "Ok lets take a breather. Steve she was saying that she feels alone not welcome which we can address with the team later,” Sam looked her way with an assuring nod. “But, did you hear what she said about what you did by comming to me?" "Yea that she meant it was us and not her." "So you 100% thought she was going to harm herself?" "Yes I -I mean she never..." "Never what Steve?" "Never said she was unhappy with us and  when I heard her say she couldnt do it anymore I was scared terrified that I'd  come back one day and find her on the floor. I've" Steve turned to her, took her hand which she allowed. He moved towards her and caressed her cheek. "I've lost so many people. I've  lost so many soilders or have had them wounded and then now agents get hurt and we lost them sometimes, I lose them but I can't lose you.  And the thought of you being scared snd unhappy to the point where youd end you was terrifing. Morr than anything.  Friday wouldn't know if you took a razor or too many pills. And I'd walk in from a mission and find you gone id never be able to forgive myself. So the first thing I thought was to get you help and I know you and Sam do get along and he's  my best friend. And I love you." "So you thought shouving a pill down my throat was ok?" "I know Valiums helps people and if yoh were sleeping you couldnt hurt yourself while I was at the briefing. "But Steve if you really thought It was that bad why didn't you talk to me?" "I didn't want to waste any time. Time is too precious to me." She "Then why are you never there?" She was raising her voice,  "And You thought shoving a pill-" "Lets all just calm down," he turned to Steve,  "Why didn't you ask her what she meant. And she said she feels like you are very, well what did you say?" "Distant at time. Forceful and you dont think about me. And you're always gone." Steve for once has no idea what to say. "You're overwheling Steve. It can be too much for me." "How am I overwhelming and always gone?"

#avengers #steve rogers #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers fanfiction #nomad steve #ransom drysdale #ari levinson imagine #steve rogers one shot #ari levinson x female reader #chris evans #chris evans characters #chris evans comfort #chris evans drabble #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans x plus size reader #chris evans x reader #chris evans x you #original character #sam wilson #@nana1000night #steve rogers x reader #sam wilson x reader #sam wilson x steve rogers #sam wilson x y/n

[siyasantlani111]

Self Security~

Hello guys so today's topic is self security and how being secure within ourselves is so important. We always hear people say “I love myself ” “I don't need anyone else's validation” “ I don't care about what others think”. Well I have been there and heard that too, but do people who say all of these things really mean it? Well sometimes we just say all of these things and feel like yes it's true we don't need anyone else's opinion, however if we look at our actions they might say otherwise, because sometimes we don't even realise what we are doing and it's built within us through our subconscious. However it's important to break patterns.

Today I'm going to talk about how I used to quote all of these things and how my actions said other wise. I would literally always act like I'm a baddie and confident and I'm self secure until I started noticing my own actions, and when I realised that my actions don't meet my words I realised wait it was so easy for me to quote “love yourself ” but I don't do any of these. My therapist made me realise that and first it hurt and made me feel like I failed myself.

Now how did I actually started practicing self security in my life:

Firstly :Know yourself, your work, the energy you put through anything.

Now for example if you had to work on a project in your class and you poured your heart into it and worked extremely hard for it. However still you didn't get first prize or maybe you didn't even get the third prize or worse your work wasn't even acknowledged then obviously you guys might feel upset. However if you constantly think about why wasn't I validated even though I put so much effort then first of all you know how much hardwork you did in that project and how at some points you even faced certain small challenges ( challenges are challenges small or big) so you already know how much work you put in, then don't let yourself fall into this trap where you think that you are not enough.

Secondly: It's ok to not be chosen

You guys need to start realising that you are not for everyone, your energy is not for everyone and people have different opinions. Just because someone didn't acknowledge you for anything doesn't mean you guys are gonna think that omg! I'm not worth anything or omg! I'm never chosen or omg! I'm never validated.

Well it's ok if you aren't validated by people, people who validate you might even forget about you, start validating yourself.

Third thing is: detachment

I used to attach myself to situations, people, things etc and etc. We all need to start realising when we are attaching ourselves to anyone but ourselves, boom! It's over for us. Because when you are not the spotlight of your life or when we are constantly giving our energy to everyone but ourselves, we are going to be drained, it would be easy for us to get manipulated, cheated, betrayed and blah and blah. Because guys YOU ARE THE MAIN CHARACTER OF YOUR LIFE! When I say be detached I don't mean be mean or cold or heartless don't help anyone NO! I mean is give 80% of your energy to yourself and 20% of your energy to the people you love, who care about you and respect your boundaries. Another way to be attached to ourselves is by praying to god or meditating or talking to universe if you don't believe in god, it really helps not joking. One more thing we can do is spending time with ourselves by doing things we love. What do you guys love doing? Ask yourself that. Because when you enjoy doing an activity then even if you guys are under tough circumstances like being surrounded by toxic people you will immediately have something to come back to, you guys will be excited to do that hobby you love and your focus would be more on that hobby. And when you are focused on you then babeeee you won already!! Because then you don't give damns about anyone around you who doesn't adds up to your life!!!

Last thing is: do things for yourself

You guys also need to realise that we should always do things for ourselves, now it's easier said that done. And how do we actually do it first of all if you guys desire something For eg: Good grades. Then ask yourself or write it down that why do I desire good grades? is it to impress my teacher and then be validated by them? Or is it to be a better student and for myself? Now why did I say that ask yourself is because, sometimes we don't even know why are we doing something we might have this sudden desire to do something however it's not necessary that we are doing it for ourselves. Now if we continue with the good grades example and by chance you guys even got good grades and even your teacher recognised you, validated you, gave you a big ass trophy in front of the school. At that moment it's gonna be a big win!!!! However let me tell you guys something insaneeee even if you guys got validated by someone else it won't really matter to them and they're gonna forget about it after a year or two, however do you guys know it will matter a lot to you!!! And that's beautiful that people will forget you after validating you, however even if you make small achievements it will always matter to you. THEN WHY DON'T WE DO THINGS FOR US!!!! Also you will be the only person who is benefited, the other who is validating you won't get any benifits of your work they won't be able to feel the same energy or the same happiness as you do then why depend on someone else to make you feel validated? Or to do things for?

However guys I think I'm going to end this blog now and thankyou so much for reading I love you guys so much!!!!!!

Also guys I'm also a human being who's learning things in life if my blog doesn't match with your opinion I would recommend not to read! However even I'm learning, so thankyou guys again❤️❤️❤️

#boundries #self worth #healing #best version of yourself #detachment

[pinkpastels113]

I genuinely do not think you have bad intentions, so I'm going to explain why people are upset about the post your reblogged and your defense of it. Firstly, even if your friend's feelings were hurt, there was and is no reason to specify and hone in on the fact that the person "wronging" him was Black (or, as he said, "African-American," which is a problem in and of itself). Secondly, as others pointed out, labeling a Black woman exercising her own agency in the world we live in today (and as a WOC you should know very well that WOC need to have the freedom to exercise caution in this world, especially when alone) as a "hate crime" is really not cool. At all. He's saying that by exercising her own judgement in a situation where she may not have felt comfortable for any number of reasons, it's affecting him and his right to...what? Her space? Her kindness? He isn't owed that; she didn't approach him or say anything mean, she didn't throw things, spit on him, or insult him, she simply chose how to use her own space as a Black woman and is being told she is not allowed to do that or it is a hate crime. That's incredibly wrong and unfair for a white man to say, and it's unfair for him to center himself in that and victimize himself in her decisions (that are, again, informed by the world we experience as Black women), and it's problematic when you amplify a message like that and say "these things affect people and we need to share them." Yes, they do affect people: they affect us Black women by making sure we have to treat white men with kid gloves and put their feelings over our feelings or safety. That's why people are upset. That is not an okay attitude to be promoting, at all.

i really like this message and appreciate you for coming to me with a concern and perspective that is not filled with so much negativity. i have removed the tag(s) that are associated with that reblog that are continuously causing everyone to think that i wholeheartedly stand by the use of the wording hate crime- there was no actual crime committed and i do understand that and it was my fault for being oblivious in implying that there was by sharing- that was not my intention, and i apologize. as a woc i do know that it is important to have the freedom to have the need to exercise caution, and that everyone has the freedom to do what they wish with their personal space, and i recognize that the woman had her own reasons for choosing to do so.

#anon asks

[2qts]

Haha wait. I'm in danger.

#my post #just realized that everything in my life might possibly fall apart #literally everything is crashing down on me I think #also its 4:30 in the morning and I cant sleep and all I want is pasta. #very tempted to get up and make it. its really all I have. and eating will make my brain clearer and maybe I'll feel okay #idk. just tired of remembering trauma in really unfortunate ways. #also I feel like an awful person for being mad at someone about it (hi. you know who you are. please stop reading this) #like. first of all. this person is so important to me and I kind of need them. both because I care so much #and because they are literally my key to not being totally abandoned in this world with nothing. #secondly. they didn't mean to hurt me.. so why should I be upset? I mean. I've done bad things to them too... I should just get over it #I should stop being angry all over the place about it. #but also I know I have to let myself heal. because the situation was bad. but how can I heal. if taking time away from them is bad for me #because they are so important to my life and happiness. and I feel bad for hurting them by being upset. #does any of this make sense? #is anyone reading this? #other than the person this is about. who I know didn't actually stop reading when I said to. #idk. its so late. I'm so tired. today has been emotional. I wanted to complain about more. theres only so much I can handle thinking about. #theres so much more. I'm so tired. it all hurts so much. everything was getting better. why does everything hurt so much. #if you read all of this. I'm sorry. but thank you for placing your shoulder under my tears.

[fanficwritinggremlin]

Colonel Carrillo or Colonel Martinez?

Tag List: @clonesupport @seltsamkind @mirabee @kesskirata @maevesdarling @mariabolivar12 @aschera-hunter @ashlingnarcos @spacebaby1 @cositapreciosa

Carrillo or Martinez? I'm sure that the whole Narcos fandom would take the first option, mostly because of his hotness. Ok, that's respected! However, I'm gonna be one of the very few people who prefer the second option.

And here's why…

Before being misunderstood, I have to say that I don't hate Carrillo. I mean… he was my first obsession and the reason I got hooked up with Narcos. In the first season of the show, I admit that I loved him. He was hot, badass and a really good husband. Then, I became glad that he returned in season 2, but after what he did…

Gif credit: @narcosedits

I quickly lost my respect and thirst for him. Of course, they say that in order to catch a monster, you need to be one. But that was too far! Firstly, he shot a teenager in the head. You may say that he shot a criminal who killed cops and was roasting them, but let's mention that the teen was on his knees. Unarmed. Defenseless. And he killed him in cold blood. So casually! Not to mention that he scared the shit out of an eight year old kid by giving him a bullet. Secondly, he threw two men out of a helicopter while it was in the air, above the sea. In the middle of fucking nowhere. Of course, these guys were bitches and weren't being cooperative. However, that doesn't justify this. He should have sent them to jail, if he wanted the information.

To sum up, I can easily tell that season two Carrillo was a psychopath maniac. He had let his obsession with Pablo get the best of him and didn't think what kind of impact his actions might have on his family. And that's what got him killed!

Martinez, on the other hand, wasn't like this. He was a man with a clear mind. To be more specific, he didn't even want to lead the Search Bloc. He only did it because he wanted to keep his son safe. Hugo did not let himself be obsessed with capturing Pablo. That was not the top priority. The most important feat that he wanted to achieve at that moment was to protect his son from anyone that could hurt or kill him. That's why he sent him to the Technical Services. The only mistake he made was letting his son consider the transmission as a punishment for something that was partly Javier's fault (giving information to the Castaños). But that can be justified. He was upset because of the Los Pepes incident and his frustration got the best of him. The obvious fear he had of losing his closest person and not being able to protect him. However, nobody doubts that Martinez was a loving father(even if they didn't show more of this). His son was the main reason of him being so cautious with his operations and eventually surviving. In general, that man had his shit together and his priorities sorted.

One more thing: Let's have a look at him please…

Gif credit: @pachitoherrera

You cannot tell me that's he is not hot! No! You don't get to say that!!! He is not just hot! He is complete fire!!!! Especially in the scene where he wears that blue shirt and opens the door to the bombshell named Peña. That only lasted a few seconds, BUT! If Javi is a ten, Hugo is a fucking ELEVEN! The sexiest dilf of the show and one of the very few people with braincells. And she is the one to agree and thirst with me👉 @clonesupport !!! No one can change our minds to the opposite about that!!! So…

Martinez >>> Carrillo

Anytime and Always!!!

#narcos #colonel martinez #hugo martinez #colonel carrillo #horacio carrillo #juan pablo shuk #maurice compte

[wings-of-a-storm]

I have a question. My favorite character is obviously Benji, but this season I started to get an ultimate rancidity of him.In the end I understood why he was acting like this, he has a PTSD because of dating Derek, his parents shitting him and alcohol and the accident. It's about the accident I wanted to know about, I didn't quite understand what this accident was and why he started drinking. I get upset that Benji's story is the least explored in the series, in my opinion, it should be explored more

Sorry for late reply to this, Anon! I know a few others already replied to this but I figure I’d still add my take into the mix for you. :)

I think many of us share your frustrations about Benji’s story being drip fed to us instead of being looked at more deeply. It’s a very interesting history so I really hope that in season three we might actually get a more decent look at it…

BENJI’S HISTORY / WHY HE STARTED DRINKING:

Throughout both seasons we learn that Benji has struggled with mental health.

In the most simplest of summaries: Benji struggled with internalised homophobia -- he hated himself for being homosexual and fought against it. He even experimented sexually with girls (which he briefly mentioned in S1), but in the end, he couldn’t deny that he was gay. But acknowledging he was gay and being able to accept it are two different things. He hated being gay.

In order to cope with that self-hatred and fear, he turned to alcohol to dull his reality and in turn everything he felt. He’s still learning to like himself even now in season two.

In Benji’s own words: “Before I came out, I was kind of a mess. I knew I was gay but I didn't want to be. So I drank. A lot. (1x07)” And: “Coming out was really hard for me, Victor. And it is still hard for me to be who I am. (1x05)”

BENJI’S CAR ACCIDENT:

Benji said that when he was younger, he drank 'a lot'. From that statement alone we can infer that he knew he was drinking more than his peers were. Most likely that went beyond social drinking -- he was probably also drinking by himself at any opportunity.

There is an age limit for drinking for good reason: our brains don’t fully develop until we are in our twenties, and as such, when we are younger we are more likely to make riskier choices. Adding alcohol into the mix is just asking for trouble -- as Benji found out when, one night, severely inebriated, he lost control of his vehicle (or misjudged his surroundings) and drove through/into a building. “One night I got super wasted and decided that I wanted Wendys real bad. So I took my Dad's car to the drive thru and that's exactly what I did -- drove through the Wendys. (1x07)”

That is some serious stuff right there! On so many levels!

Firstly the physical toll: he ‘totalled’ his dad’s car. To have a car written off as too smashed to be driven, that car had a huge impact! And not surprising since Benji said he drove through the building. Whether that was through glass or a into a sturdy wall, to crunch up the metal of his car, that is a massive hit. We don’t know the extent of his injuries (he just said he was ‘banged up’) but we do know that he was at the very least knocked unconscious and/or had a head injury from it (“Waking up in the hospital with my parents standing over me…” 1x07).

Secondly, the emotional toll: when Benji gained consciousness and woke up in hospital, he said he “realised that I could have died." (1x07) That is a very frightening thing to confront -- your mortality. It spooked him enough that it was the catalyst for his Coming Out. He didn’t want to die without “ever really being who I was” (1x07); to have only lived his life as a lie and not known his true self…

Most of us, I’d wager, haven’t had to confront our mortality at such a young age -- like truly confront it after going through a life-threatening experience. In that sense, he is on a different level to his peers and Victor -- a big part of his innocence has been broken and re-formed.

There is more to the emotional toll though -- not explicitly mentioned in canon but pretty much common sense:

The pain of recovery in hospital and at home (whatever “banged up” means, he was injured in some way)

The guilt of knowing his actions could have caused innocent people to have been hurt or killed. No one was hurt, he said, but just knowing they could have been is a really heavy thing to have on your conscience.

The stress of dealing with insurance (for the Wendys, for the car). He would have had to burden his parents with sorting that all out.

Police would have been involved to investigate the incident and lay charges. That’s pretty darn scary.

Losing his licence and thus part of his independence

Seeing the physical damage of the Wendys if he ever went past it again -- knowing he had done it, knowing he had been in the car that made that damage and reliving the knowledge he could have killed himself…

He was so ashamed by it all, he didn’t want anyone at school knowing about the accident or about his drinking that caused it. In 1x07 the school still didn’t know so he really guarded that secret hard.

There’s just so much heaviness linked to that accident. And Benji has only had one year to process all of that. On some level, that stuff has got to linger.

THE INITIAL AFTERMATH:

We learn that after the car accident, Benji was in an ever worse state of mind than when he was drinking his life away before it. His mother reveals: “After your car accident last year you were so hard on yourself and things were pretty dark for a while there. And you decided to put in the hard work [to go to AA and get better]. (2x07)”

Referring to Benji's post-accident self as being in 'a pretty dark place' is a pretty big alarm bell. His mental health sounds like it was pretty much destroyed. It is so hard to rebuild yourself after falling into such a dark well, but over the year he must have pulled himself back from the brink. That is so, so heavy!

It’s hard to gauge whether Benji chose to go to AA himself (which seems to be implied), or whether it was a condition of his charge through the police, but he went there none-the-less to change his life and learn healthier coping mechanisms to handle stress/his inner conflicts.

Something else worth noting is that, timeline-wise (as messy as that always is in LV), Benji was dating Derek through all of this. His one year anniversary with Derek was in S1 but his one year sobriety was only in S2. Who knows how that would have complicated things. He wasn’t Out to his parents or anyone but he was dating a (adult) man. So he was simultaneously hating that he was gay and drinking his mind blank but still dating a man. That is a super stressful and conflicting dichotomy that he was dealing with in amongst all this… (“It is still hard for me to be who I am.” 1x05)

THE MOST IMPORTANT INSIGHT FROM BENJI’S DRINKING AND AA:

It is so important to take time and realise what being in AA means about Benji: as a young teen, Benji self-medicated his way through his worsening mental health by drinking to handle stress and internalised homophobia. He didn’t have any proper methods of handling stressful situations. He is now having to unlearn those behaviours and learn new strategies through AA and his sponsor. But he has only been doing that for one year! That is a blip of time in the hourglass.

Now let’s look at the events of S2: Benji has been inundated with stress while still learning how to cope with it without drinking. And he’s had to learn and practise these new coping strategies while:

Being in high school

Holding down an assistant manager job

Watching his significant other being emotionally wrung out by his mother’s treatment of him; dealing with his own rejection and banishment from Isabel

Reliving both his own coming out stress and homophobic aggressions at school directed this time at his significant other

Trying to deal with the shame of being in AA and keeping that a secret from all of his peers at school

Like far out, that is a ton of stress! Anyone would crack under all of that, let alone a young and recovering alcoholic!

So yes, when faced with stressful situations, Benji is not always going to react in the right way or say the right things. He’s still learning how to do that with his sponsor and AA meetings. He might come off as ‘rancid’ in S2, but really he is just a kid who is struggling and trying to do his best.

#LV ask #Love Victor #LV S2 analysis #Benji Campbell

[cooloddball]

Hi I went through few cons and I actually got my heart broken a little bit. Every one of them had Jensen denying the idea of Destiel or Dean being anything but the American male fantasy.

Vancon 2012 J2 panel he avoids the fan who is screaming Destiel. I understand that because he was going through something Misha shaped during 2012. Destiel was the last thing he wanted in his life then.

The controversial NJCon 2013 where he pretty much rudely avoids the Bi Dean question. I mean come on there were so many ways to back down there but just giving into that crowd like that and shooting down that girl who asked the question? I know she actually explained what happened there but he is saying things to convey he is unhappy where that question is heading. JP who is considered the immature even is considering answering the question the girl is continuously apologising it is a horror show there while Jensen is just being plain rude.

Jib 2014 solo panel where he is asked if Dean will ever get his pie. And he denies Cas ever being there at the end of the line. And ironically at the end, he was only there with all kinds of pie but no Cas. Amazing how life worked out for him.

Jib 2015 solo panel where he again denies both CasDean and Destiel from Fan Fiction episode. JPad was not there and Jensen was in a bad mood so maybe it had something to do with that.

Chicon 2016 he again invalidates Cas when a question is asked about him Cas and Mary.

TorCon 2016 where both Js are denying Cas's importance saying there's no necessity for him.

JaxCon 2017 he pretty much shoots down Destiel by saying Destiel doesn't exist.

In JaxCon 2018 he wrote NO infront of Bi Dean research paper a fan showed him.

Jibcon 2019 he asks audience Where does Destiel exist. but I think he was much like teasing the audience there tbh. No major harm but it still hurts.

I just.. I truly believe he knows what he and Misha were doing in the Destiel implied scenes. And now the cat is pretty much out of the bag. But still Jensen is pretty much staying on his ground and it is nice he is now more open for interpretation but the strength this fandom should have to forgive him for all he did...

I believe in Karma. I think Karma got to Jensen eventually for all hurt he did by those words to the fandom. I don't hate Jensen in fact I really adore the guy. But it doesn't mean I am not upset by his words. How I think Karma worked here is that he never embraced what he was portraying as a character and Karma finally said "Okay Dude enough foreplay.. You want pie okay here's pie and your car now die and be in heaven and your character arc is in garbage but your brother gets to live. There goes your male fantasy.."

I understand if he had internalized sexuality issues of himself that he didn't feel like exposing by talking about Dean and Destiel but still there are much better ways to shoot down fan opinions without being so rude.

In 2014 he pretty much says that at the end of the series Dean might get all kinds of pie with no Castiel and...Geez Is it not what exactly happened? No Cas and Pie on his face. Accidental foreshadowing spoilers..

I think he got Karma for hurting so many fan hearts and denying something he evidently portrayed in his character. At the end he didn't get a happy ending he got robbed by his own show. While the shippers actually got something out of it Thanks to Misha.

I don't need Jensen to embrace Destiel in an open hug because not in any universe that's gonna happen. I actually hoped he would eventually be open to it. He actually might be, considering his reaction to episode 18. But there's no proof actually footage of him saying anything positive about Destiel. It just... is such a bummer.

I know Jensen is hurt for his own reasons by his own show which actually hurt him in ways no fan ever did. I hope he understands how fans feel now being betrayed by a show they love.

May be he had the Karma coming..

Wow. I-

Hmm. This was super long and I read each and every word of it. However, I feel like maybe you are a Jensen anti. Maybe you are not but that's the vibe I got as I read all this.

First of all I am a Dean girl since the pilot. I love Dean. I watched the show because of Dean. Even before I knew about Destiel, I loved Dean. When Cas showed up, I still loved Dean and to me, Cas was a part of Dean somehow, it just always felt that way.

Secondly. I love Jensen and Misha. I know some people don't like Jensen because of Destiel but I like him and I know he has said something's about the topic but truth is, I get why he did that.

Thirdly, I don't think Karma has anything to do with Dean's death. What they did to Dean was fucked up. Jensen doesn't write the show or control the direction that the show went. That is up to the network, the producers and the writers. Period. So, No. Karma had nothing to do with Dean's end. Jensen protested a lot about the ending. We all know why they did it. It's been talked about x10000000000.

Lastly, on the issue of Jensen and Destiel.

Jensen has on numerous occassions that he doesn't think Cas feels things the way human beings feel things. I believe Dean was on love with Cas but he wasn't sure whether Cas felt the same way because he's an angel.

Bi Dean. Not to discredit anyone but the notion that Jensen would deny that Dean was bi because of his own sexuality crisis irl feels like an insult to Jensen as an actor. I saw once an anti Cas/Misha person say that the way Dean hugged Cas in 12x09 was because Jensen hates Misha. Make it make sense. That is an insult to Jensen. There are directors and writers involved. Jensen doesn't get to decide how he wants to hug Cas or Sam. Yes, they have a right of input sometimes but it is very rarely. And thinking personal feelings would affect his acting or portrayal of Dean is truly a moot point. There are so many actors with feuds irl but when they are performing you would never know. Please let's not insult Jensen like that. He deserves an Emmy for playing Dean so well all these years.

Jensen denied Destiel and Bi Dean because it was never explicitly said he actually was bi or was in love with Cas. However, it is there in subtext. I could list all those instances but I'm guessing you already know all those instances from your research on various cons as indicated in the ask. I believe Jensen knew how he played Dean as bi and as in love with Cas. However, if he said "Yeah, Dean is bi and is in love with cas" then the show doesn't explicitly confirm it, then what. You would all start call him a liar and a panderer like many have called Misha. So he just said what was there. Do you remember Metatron's monologue in s9? What makes a story great, is it the text or the subtext? To me, it's both. To others it's the text while for others it's the subtext.

The network and producers. These are I believe the people who decide what the fans want and how to make money from the show. So if they believe textually confirming Destiel canon or bi Dean would've lined their pockets they would've done it. If watched the show, s12 was pretty gay. It's the gayest of all seasons followed by s15.

Anyway, I have a feeling that you might be an anti destiel or anti Jensen person trying to pose as destiel shipper. I honestly don't know. All I can tell you is that I am a Jensen Ackles apologist and I believe he did as much as the network would let him in terms of letting us see that Dean was in love with Cas.

12x23, 13x01-13x06,15x03,15x09,15x18. There's so much but I am neither a destiel meta writer or a film/tv critic so there's not much I can say. But please Jensen is a good man and I think people asking him over and over again about Destiel when he knew he couldn't give them the answers they wanted got to him and he had to shut it down. Maybe sometimes he was rude but he's only human.

#asks #anon #i don't know how else to answer this #i also haven't watched anybof those panels nonnie is talking about save for jib10 #discord about destiel #stop hating jensen he's a good bean #no karma wasn't involved in this

[professormaxwagner]

ooc:

Please be warned there is triggers under the readmore. 

Hey guys, so you are probably wondering why I am writing this on here and not on OOC, well its because its a long story,  So firstly let's get things underway, yesterday I received an OOC warning from main because I have been complaining about abusive anons. Let me show you them before I go any further, please beware they are hurtful and threatening.

  This is what I have been receiving for a while now and instead of being helped by admin I was warned about discussing it, which basically means hey you are getting bullied but dont mention it.  That’s really not a good role model for a roleplay. 

Moving on, the reason I am showing you all this was because I have been in two minds whether or not I should stay. As you may well have known, I have recently broken my foot and it hurt a great deal. While I was in the hospital and when I got home I kept getting messages like these 

as you can see I am keeping the name in on purpose as I would like you all to see what I had to contend with while I was in the hospital. The matter Ali is referring to is a girl called Sarah who was friends with this player in a 1x1 for years and spent every day together until the player joined the group and started mistreating her. This is not something that should have been sent to my roleplay account.  Being told that I was reporting back when I wasnt, was triggering for me as it has never happened and Sarah would also agree to that.  I  told Ali more than once to leave me alone and eventually, she did.  To me, this was uncalled for. For starters, this is not my fight and I do feel that this was a way of trying to upset Sarah further through me while trying to relinquish all the blame she should be admitting to. secondly, the situation between the characters of Quinten and Qhuinn emotional cruelty has been an issue for a very long time, since Ali dropped Sarah for Lecia on more than one occasion and instead of just admitting what was going to happen, she led Sarah on to believe that she would still  want  to write with her when she didn't want to. The fundamental fact is that Qhuinn is playing with Quinten’s feelings in ic for some kind of plot and that means in ooc Ali was neglecting Sarah for a plot that may never happen,  if you are going to lead someone on it shows that you have no care for them, so it is best you leave them alone.  I also dont appreciate the guilt-tripping I am having forced on me,  by accusing me of things I have never done. 

Roleplaying is meant to be a form of escapism and enjoyment, it is not meant to be clique groups who prey on each other, bullying people for fun and using other people till you are bored and want to play with someone else. These are people who put a lot of time and energy into their characters such as the 1x1 which ran for 4 years ( I may be wrong) until Ali got bored. When it comes to Rping, I like to keep busy and talk to as many people as I can, if there are upsets ( and there always is) I move away from the situation and then let the dust settle and RP with people at a later date, I do not gang up on a certain person then go to admin to make them feel bad.

The holidays are a stressful time for everyone, but having this followed by anon threats that Quinten will have me thrown out (because they are close to admin) unless I stop talking to my friend Sarah is not something I am comfortable with.  I can also categorically state that the anons are coming from America although I am still at a loss of what state they are from.  I have met some wonderful people here, but with that, I have also met people who will go to any lengths to get what they want no matter who they hurt in the process and that doesn't sit well with me, I have had ships forced on me and characters who manipulate things to make my character look bad and when I called them out they said they had no control over their character, that is incorrect we all have control over our characters, that's why we write. 

75% of the teens and young people who come into my ward have had online bullying and mistreatment in some way and I will not be part of a roleplaying group the advocates that. And although the people above may be revelling in the fact that they told on me and now I am leaving, I’m strong enough to know that when one door closes a better one opens, the thing I will always remeber was how nice certain people were to me and for that, I am eternally grateful.  I am available at my skype account for those who want to talk to me it's live:zoeyandmaxwagner I believe that talking about a problem is a better solution than ignoring it or “hiding” from it. I have also asked Sarah’s permission to post the submit I received and she allowed it as I would never discuss something which has someone else involved. if you would like to contact her she is on Tumblr @thewhisperingplaces but neither of us will respond to any nasty anons and Sarah has a better tracker then I do so she will know who you are and report you. 

Lastly, anything to do with max from his home to his workplace I asked to be removed as it is my intellectual property @the-institute-rpg. I dont want to leave but being strongarmed into things because Admin is being told to do things by a player who is a bully is not something I put up with, Like I said before Roleplaying is for enjoyment purposes and I will not be part of a roleplaying group the advocates bullying and online neglect which can cause suicidal attempts.  I have never sent any nasty anons as I just dont see the point of them ic or oc,  does it make you feel good to send hate? if the answer’s yes then you are the problem. 

To all the people who were nice to me, I wish you all the best in whatever you do and to the people who are not so nice I wish you could be better but what goes around will come around. 

Zoey. 

Ps. just in case the admins put up a post in a different way to which I have requested, here is my leaving ask

please remove me from the group as per my request. please make it known publicly that  I chose to leave.  I no longer want to be a part of the group which advocates bullying. Please inform Lecia  that her actions have caused a great deal of distress to others and it isnt something to be proud of. Anything to do with max from his home to his workplace I asked to be removed As it's my intellectual property.

#tw: bullying #tw: online harassment #tw: roleplay bullying #the institute

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Buster

Bea: Again Bea: We're having this conversation again Buster: What have I done wrong now? Bea: You tell me Bea: If it's such a long list Buster: Actually, it's a non-existent list as far as I'm concerned but you clearly disagree Buster: So I'm just waiting to hear it Bea: Don't play as dumb as you evidently fucking are Bea: How have you potentially got ANOTHER girl pregnant, how did you not learn your lesson from the first very near miss? Buster: How do you even know about that, first of all? Buster: And secondly, it's an entirely different situation this time so you don't need to speak to me like that Bea: Does it matter? It's true because you're not telling me otherwise so Bea: Entirely different! How? You still haven't left School, you still live at Home, you still don't earn money of your own Buster: Mum, please, calm down Buster: It's different for so many reasons, like not being an accident and something I'm happy about Buster: Plus, I've almost finished school, we have a flat and Rio earns her own money Bea: If you think you're any more equipped to deal with a child than you were, what was it Bea: 6? 7? Months ago Bea: then you have no idea what you want for this to not be an accident Buster: In case you haven't noticed, a lot's changed between then and now Bea: You've lost the sense you were born with is what's happened, Jesus Christ Buster: Don't Bea: You lied to me Buster: I didn't Buster: I meant what I said when I said it Buster: But things change Bea: You mean you got her pregnant and now you're rolling with it Bea: just be honest, don't say you wanted this Buster: I am being honest Buster: We planned this 'cause it's what we both want Buster: I thought we had to wait for all the reasons you're saying but I realised it's bullshit Buster: We don't have to so we didn't Bea: Oh, is it? Bea: Well I've lived it mate so I think I would know Buster: Well, I'm not you or dad Buster: This wasn't a surprise to me Bea: No, I'm sure you plan to right all our wrongs Bea: Well, good luck, truly Buster: I plan to do a good job, that doesn't mean you didn't Buster: I don't need luck Bea: I don't know what you need, Buster Buster: Yeah you do Buster: You can say what you think Bea: What is the point Bea: You have never and will never listen Buster: I'm listening Buster: You don't need to shut me out Bea: I just don't want more kids getting hurt in this fucking family, alright Bea: Rio should know better Bea: You should know better Buster: She does. We both do. I get what you're scared of but it's not gonna happen Bea: You can't guarantee that Buster: I can Buster: 'Cause I would die for them, mum so I'll do whatever it takes Buster: And so would Rio Bea: Yeah fat lot of use my dead dad was to me Buster: I know, but you and dad were more than enough for me, everything you did and you don't even think you did it right Buster: So imagine what I can do, 'cause of what you've given me Buster: I know I can do it and that I will Bea: Why do you want to Buster: Why wouldn't I? Bea: You could go anywhere, do anything, be anyone Buster: I still can Bea: Maybe, but you still want to be married to Rio and tied down with kids Bea: I'll never understand it, I don't know where this has come from Buster: You make it sound like that's something that holds me back when it's the opposite Buster: I know this seems sudden 'cause of what I said and I don't expect you to understand Bea: It is sudden Bea: it doesn't just seem it Buster: Well, I was gonna wait before telling you for that exact reason, but here we are Bea: Oh yes it would've been much better for me if you'd waited 'til she was about to drop Buster: Obviously I would have done it before then, come on Bea: No, nothing you do is obvious any more Bea: You've waited 'til your hand was forced Bea: every single time Buster: Look, I could make you understand my every motivation, but you're not my fucking therapist, are you? Buster: I was gonna tell you soon, but not this soon Buster: You're not meant to, it's not personal, like Bea: Perhaps if you had one we wouldn't be here talking about this now Bea: and don't talk to me like I don't know Buster: Hilarious Buster: Then don't act like I was deliberately withholding the info from you Bea: We both know I wasn't first on your list Buster: You would've been, if I'd made one Buster: But like you said, forced hand Bea: Bullshit Bea: Her family always knows everything first Buster: No, her mum works shit out before anyone's ready for her to know it Buster: That's not the same thing Bea: Fair, should have seen this coming Bea: More fool me for having some faith Buster: Don't be like that Buster: I wanted to tell you 'cause I know I fucked up by making you think you had more time to accept this than you do Buster: When I said that I was scared, okay, to want what I want when I want it, but I'm not scared anymore Buster: Long story short Bea: Well, it's done now Bea: You can't change your mind again Buster: I'm not going to Buster: Jesus, give me some credit Buster: It just really fucks with your head when you want something for a really long time that you aren't allowed to want Bea: But now you're allowed Buster: To a degree, sure Bea: Why Bea: Who told you this was okay Buster: It is Buster: But that's all it is 'cause we aren't doing things at the speed everyone else wants Buster: So fuck that Buster: I don't want okay Bea: What do you want, Buster? Buster: I want not to waste anymore time just 'cause it might make you all feel better Buster: 'Cause then again it might not so why the fuck am I bothering? Bea: Then you've got everything you want Buster: Yeah Buster: I do Buster: I'm gonna finally live fully Buster: Be happy and not stick with the watered down version that's more palatable for this fucking family Bea: Don't be so bloody dramatic, who has ever told you to be unhappy Buster: You're all so concerned with not upsetting things that it's the only thing that ends up happening Buster: You've literally always told me what to do and what I want is somehow secondary every time to whatever you think the real goal is Buster: You don't want me to go to Trinity even though I'm sick to the back teeth of posh cunts, that's just one tiny example Buster: So it's not dramatic, it's factual Bea: I'm either that cunt mother or concerned with upsetting things but I ain't both, you don't get to feel that sorry for yourself Bea: You were a child, you are Bea: what was I meant to do, leave you to it? Buster: That's what you've ended up doing, regardless Bea: Again, not enough hugs or too many, Buster Bea: Which is it Buster: I'm not trying to make this about you Buster: It isn't Buster: I'm saying, it's too late to treat me like a child now when you literally haven't since Christ knows when Bea: You don't get to tell me how it is Buster: It happened to me so yeah I do Buster: You let Nance leave and you left me in that house all on my own and you never asked what I was doing Bea: You were not on your own Bea: You were 15, you didn't want me in your business Buster: That isn't stopping you now Bea: Because somehow we've reached this age without marriage and pregnancy so Buster: 'Cause that's the worst thing I could do, yeah? Buster: Jesus, you've got no idea Bea: Yes, Buster, it's pretty fucking bad Buster: No, it's not Buster: It's the best thing that's happened to me Buster: Who I was before, what I used to do, that was the bad shit Bea: You're going to resent it Bea: this lost time Buster: I resent all the time I wasn't with her, that's what we lost Buster: I resent that I was unhappy enough to get so fucked up that a girl literally assaulted me too, obviously Buster: But pick your battles, mum Bea: You're saying this like I can do anything about that Bea: You'll see firsthand how abysmally the system fails sexual assault victims, what do you want me to do, I can't make it un-happen to you, I'm sorry Buster: You can stop making Rio the problem when she clearly isn't Buster: You can easily do that Bea: When have I said she was Buster: By acting like being with her has or will ruin my life Bea: It isn't her it's that you're even thinking about either of these things at your age Bea: I had to grow up too fast, so did your dad Bea: neither of you needed to Bea: that's all I'm trying to say Buster: You can just admit that I ruined yours if that's how you feel but don't project it on to me Buster: I want my baby Bea: It's not about you Bea: If you'd like a rundown of what the fuck happened to me we can go there but I wasn't a child long before you were on the scene Bea: Before any of them Buster: And I wasn't a child before this Buster: You think that we didn't have to grow up fast but we did Buster: It already happened Bea: You didn't Buster: Just 'cause it wasn't on the same scale as what happened to you, doesn't mean it didn't Bea: I don't want to talk about this anymore Buster: Fine Buster: You could ask me how my exams are going or how my child is Bea: I know Bea: if there was something wrong you'd come to me, it's what I live for, remember? Buster: Stop Bea: Don't tell me to stop Buster: Don't you think it's really fucked that we only talk when there's a 'problem?' Buster: Jesus, don't you want it to be different Bea: Maybe Bea: but it won't change Buster: Not with that attitude, no Bea: Fucking hell, you sound like one of them Buster: It's not us and them Bea: No, it is Bea: and I thought you were like me Bea: but you're not Buster: I am like you and that's your problem Bea: Don't flatter yourself Buster: Don't lie to yourself Bea: You reckon? Buster: Yeah Bea: Nah Buster: Don't be stupid Bea: Nah Bea: This is why we're not alike Bea: I didn't get to do this, I couldn't talk to Tess and Fearghal like this Buster: Take it up with dad 'cause I'm like him too Buster: I don't get to be all yours Bea: Who's asking Norman Bates Bea: Christ Buster: You raised me to be like this, if you don't like it, do better Bea: You're not a child anymore, apparently Bea: this bullshit is your own now Bea: unlucky Buster: Now that it suits you you're taking that on board Buster: Unsurprising Bea: I'm capable of listening Bea: A trait you've not inhereted Buster: I'm capable Buster: I just choose to be selective Buster: If you want me to listen don't chat so much shit, like Bea: And he wonders why I don't want to speak to him Bea: Hilarious, this kid Buster: I know why you don't want to speak to me Buster: It's 'cause I won't do exactly what you tell me, when you tell me Bea: Good God if that was my criteria I'd never speak to anyone Buster: It's just your criteria for being a mum, clearly Bea: I know, absolute madness, knowing what's best and being disappointed when you do the opposite Bea: Sorry I didn't pick up the Hippie dippie tell you every mistake you make is wonderful parenting bible Ali clearly did Buster: Name one time you've actually known what was best for me? Bea: Literally all the time Bea: I knew you hadn't been listening Buster: Wrong Bea: Oh that's convenient, yet again Buster gets to say what's right and wrong, where's the impartial adjudicator or are you now above all authorities? Buster: Get one, if it'll make you feel better Buster: I get to say how I feel about how my life is, sorry if that messes with your world view Bea: I'm sure it feels lovely, that pissing, puking, screaming shit bag is miles away yet Bea: it's a nice fuzzy concept Buster: You really don't think anything of me, do you? Buster: Like I'm literally that stupid and naive Bea: You've met babies Bea: you've got no idea what it's like to raise one Bea: so yes, you are naive Buster: I know it's not fucking rose tinted Buster: Christ Bea: You know it in an abstract way but you wouldn't have done it if you knew it Bea: what it's like to have something so useless solely dependent on you, for everything Buster: It's done Buster: Deal with it Bea: I won't be Bea: This is very much your mess Buster: It's not a mess Buster: But if that's your way of bowing out then go on Buster: It's happening whether you like it or not and whether you're involved or not Bea: Where do you think I'm going? Buster: That's up to you Buster: Do what you want Bea: Generous Buster: It's been said Bea: I don't doubt Buster: Here we fucking go Buster: Say it then Bea: What? Buster: What you're dying to Bea: Still don't know Buster: Yeah you do Buster: We always come back to money, don't we? Bea: Well you seem to be fond of it, yeah Buster: Who's fault is that? Buster: I didn't give it to myself Bea: I imagine mine Bea: Usually is Bea: I'd be cruel if I left you with none Buster: Fuck's sake Bea: You can't be out here buying Ferraris with my money, and telling me to fuck off for the opportunity Bea: Grow up and go without or deal Buster: Fine Bea: Although, free advice, sell it and get a family car sooner rather than later Buster: That was obvious even for you Bea: You're the one with the masterplan Bea: How bad you want this kid not coincide with how bad you want a minivan, no? Bea: Funny that Buster: Hilarious Bea: I wish it was Buster: You are, console yourself with that, like Bea: Thanks Buster: So welcome Buster: Unlike your attempt at advice Bea: Well one of you better get used to walking then Buster: You're on a roll with the craic Bea: You know Bea: Lived there longer than you have Buster: Again, that's on you, mum Bea: Yeah, what a drag having to live in one of the most vibrant capitals in the world, ugh Bea: if only I'd stayed in Tallaght Buster: Maybe ask yourself why me and Nance would both rather be here, that's all Buster: Or why you didn't really commit and send me away to boarding school Bea: Yeah, that'd suit this victim complex you've developed Buster: It'd suit your us vs them isolation model you've built too Buster: Everyone wins Bea: You're blowing that out of proportion Bea: Just 'cos I don't wanna be in everyone's pocket at all times Buster: 'Course I am Buster: For the drama, you know Bea: God there's easier ways to act out Buster: How many times, it's not about you Bea: Sure sounds like it Bea: or you just nitpicking every choice I've made for the fun of the thing Buster: Like, I'm sorry you play a role in my life Buster: Jesus, I don't know how to do this Buster: I wish I could explain myself better, honestly Bea: Well come find me when you work it out Bea: I'll be here Buster: Like you said, what's gonna change? Buster: I can't write you a fucking essay Bea: If you were in the country longer than five minutes we'd stand a chance of talking in person Buster: I've been in London for ages Buster: Get a better excuse Bea: Yeah, using our house as a doss again without asking Buster: Hardly Buster: Tempted as you do make me Bea: Go right ahead Bea: I'm sure your wife would be thrilled Buster: Like that's what motivates you ever Bea: Making her see how childish you're capable of being? No, not my primary motivation but it's an enticing idea at present Buster: Caring about her at all Buster: You've made yourself pretty clear Buster: And yeah, you'd love it if she left me Bea: I don't dislike her but I'm not going to pretend to be happy about what you've done, no Buster: Well I'm not gonna pretend I'm sorry that I'm not gonna be alone forever like Nance is 'cause I'm so fucked up that I can't handle love Bea: That's a nice thing to say about your sister Bea: even if it is to get at me Buster: It's the truth Buster: She knows it Bea: Well she's getting help, isn't she Buster: She still fell in love with someone the same age as you and dad are Buster: So Bea: Oh and an inappropriate age gap trumps incest? Bea: Let's not point fingers Buster: It does when its clearly about you and him, yeah Bea: But your situation is totally not about us Bea: Yes, I remember Buster: I'm glad you're keeping up Buster: Better late than never Bea: Good God Bea: at least Nancy has the good grace to know she's fucked up Buster: I know I am Buster: I'm just not begging your forgiveness for it like she will Bea: Well I won't be begging yours Bea: Shit happens, kid Buster: But only to you, right? Buster: Yeah, I got that Bea: So I beat you in trauma top trumps Bea: get over it, not one you need to win Buster: It's a bit hard to get over something when you're told you're playing the victim if you dare to bring it up Buster: Just so you know Buster: If you actually wanna deal with it in any way and not just repress it, I mean Bea: Oh that's what this is Bea: We're healing are we Bea: Fantastic Buster: Fuck off Buster: From the bottom of my heart Bea: Say how you really feel Buster: I can't do this with you all day Buster: Other shit to do Bea: As long as revise is one of them Bea: Couldn't be happier for you Buster: Practice papers is Buster: Feel free to celebrate Bea: 🍾 Buster: Maybe ask your daughter how hers are going? If you wanna give out free advice so badly Buster: We're only a few texts away from a breakdown Bea: I know you're having fun labouring under the impression I've not said a word to either of you since you were 10 but I have spoken to her, actually, recently so Buster: Good for you Buster: Earn the points where you can, like Bea: Yep, that's how parenting works Bea: you'll do great Buster: I wouldn't ask you if I didn't know Buster: Don't worry Bea: Thank fuck Buster: Are we done? Bea: You keep talking Buster: And trying Buster: More fool me Buster: I'll shut up now then Bea: How and where? Buster: I'm not gonna write you a list Bea: You can't Buster: I won't Bea: Same result for me Bea: at least you could say you'd actually tried then Buster: We can both say whatever we want Buster: Just not to each other, that's how this works Bea: Dramatic Bea: I don't talk to anyone Bea: Isolation, remember Buster: How could I forget? Buster: If you wanna talk you know where I'll be, with them, like Bea: Good stuff Buster: Not really Buster: But if it ends the conversation quicker, then sure Bea: It's where you want to be Bea: You can't feel sorry for yourself on that one Buster: Don't act like you care what I want Bea: Regardless Bea: It is Bea: No one is forcing you there Buster: I don't want this Buster: Right now, me and you, I don't want it Bea: You've made that abundantly clear Bea: thanks Bea: so go then Buster: I mean, I don't want to leave it like this Buster: Please Bea: What do you want from me? Bea: Posed as an actual question Bea: Not rhetorical frustration Buster: Can we not just find a way to do better than this Buster: It's not good enough Buster: Not from me either Bea: I Bea: Believe it or not I try Buster: I know that Buster: I mean what I said about everything you and dad have done for me, I need you to believe me Bea: You said a lot of other things Bea: We both did Buster: Yeah but I said that before I was angry Buster: So that's the truest thing Bea: No denying who's child you are Bea: Alright, I believe you Buster: I'm sorry Buster: Not for what I'm doing but for what I said Bea: Okay Bea: That's good enough Bea: Do you believe me? Buster: I want to Bea: It's a start Buster: What do we do now? Bea: Do you want to consult the Cavantes or should I? Bea: Apologize until we can hug it out, I assume Buster: Weird Buster: Let's not hug Bea: If it's all the same to you Buster: Are you gonna tell Dad and Nance about the baby? Bea: Would you rather do it yourself Bea: I can or I can keep quiet, whatever works for you Buster: Yeah but I don't want you to have to keep it a secret for me Buster: I don't know when I'd tell them Bea: How pregnant is she? Bea: If Ali said I don't remember now Buster: 10 weeks Bea: That gives you 2 weeks to be finished with all your exams and psych yourself up for those conversations Bea: I'm hardly going to tell either of them about this conversation if you don't, not my finest hour Buster: Alright Bea: Is it? Buster: It has to be Bea: It's good news, remember? Bea: You're not ashamed Buster: For us, I'm not that naive, remember? Buster: Just 'cause this baby isn't Chlo's doesn't mean dad and Nance will automatically be thrilled Bea: Probably not Bea: then Rio will talk to your sister and she'll be fine Buster: Maybe Buster: You're still not Buster: Dad won't be Bea: What's he gonna do? Bea: What am I? Buster: Well, I don't really wanna have another convo like this with him Buster: And it'd be nice if my kid had a set of Grandparents that weren't weird hippies, so sue me Bea: I can tell him Bea: Guess what you're son's done now Bea: and it will, we're not actually going to disown you Bea: poor child's done nothing wrong either, though surprised you want it anywhere near me Buster: No, he should hear it from me Buster: I did it Buster: Are you sure? 'Cause you sounded very tempted not long ago Bea: I've been tempted since you learned to talk Bea: Doesn't mean I will or would Buster: It's 'cause I love you that it's this hard for me to talk to you, you know Bea: That and I'm a massively cold bitch, yeah, yeah Bea: I know Buster: That and it actually really matters to me what you think, whatever I say to try and prove the opposite Bea: It'll seem disingenuous if I say I'm proud of you now Bea: But I am Buster: You don't have to be yet, I know I haven't earned it Buster: But I will Bea: What are you talking about Bea: Of course you have Buster: Come on Buster: Neither of us are buying that Bea: Jesus, I'm being sincere here, I mean it Buster: So am I, you don't have to backtrack that hard, like Buster: It's alright Bea: Bloody hell, Buster Bea: You might do and say some incredibly stupid things sometimes or just things I don't necessarily agree with because let's not start this back up Bea: but I'm always proud of you Buster: Okay, mum Bea: How many examples failures do you need around you to know you ain't one? Bea: we've got enough, christ Buster: Stop being nice to me, I'm not gonna name my kid after you Bea: I'd be angry if you did Bea: Awful name Buster: So would he 'cause it's gonna be a boy so Buster: Awkward Bea: Wait, it's a boy or you want it to be Bea: did they see on the scan Buster: I just think it is Bea: Okay Bea: Gutted, was gonna lord that info over Ali Buster: You can, 'cause I'll be right Buster: What did she say? Buster: Like does everyone know now in a 5 mile radius or what? Bea: Well find out because poor Rio was in boy's clothes for the first months of her life because Caleb was convinced but also didn't care to check Bea: No, it wasn't like that, she isn't, for all my talk Bea: It wasn't so much she said it as she said something that didn't quite make sense without knowing Bea: I'm not completely oblivious Buster: I've seen the pics, she looked cute Buster: But yeah, obviously I'll find out and tell you first Buster: Well, that's fucking mysterious Buster: Okay Bea: Right answer Bea: Well I don't know, I kind of blacked out after the penny dropped to be honest with you Buster: How much do you wanna bet? You know Dad will be in on that when he calms down Buster: Fair, I really did want you to find out differently than that, I swear Bea: I'll wait 'til Billie has done whatever divination she's gonna do Bea: Get that hot tip, thank you very much Bea: I know, shit always comes out Bea: I tried so hard to avoid everyone when I found out and then your Dad shows up like an idiot so there goes that masterplan Buster: I really do take after him Buster: Fucking hell Bea: Try and sound more appalled, he'll love that Buster: Sorry but we both know you're the one with the more impressive traits Buster: He's just tall Bea: Suck-up Bea: How are you gonna paint me when you're winning him 'round? Just what? Buster: That's for him to know and you to find out when he tries to lord it over you after Bea: About right 🙄 Buster: Are you actually gonna be in London while I still am or not likely? Bea: Should be, working with some Billionaire twat in Surrey next so I can stay Home and commute easily Buster: Good, I need you to be around in case dad murders me Buster: Well, tries, he's too old now, like Bea: 😏 If this goes too well for you I'm telling him that Bea: just so you know Buster: I deserve that Buster: It's not my fault he's got the granddad look down already Buster: Have a word, seriously Bea: Oi Bea: You can tell me to fuck off but that's taking it too far Buster: At least we've found the line Bea: Trust you Buster: Maybe I'll bribe him with a Ferrari, yeah? Buster: He'd love that Bea: I'm sure Rio is less thrilled about you regifting Buster: He can't have hers, he needs midlife crisis red or something Bea: We're thirty fucking nine Bea: It'd be more amusing if you weren't actively making us grandparents before we hit 40, GOD Buster: Good news Buster: We've worked out when It'll be so you can go full meltdown Bea: Go on Buster: January 14th but if he's anything like me, who knows actually Buster: Might get away with not buying you a Christmas gift, like Bea: Ha Bea: You owe me presents forever for nearly killing me Bea: At least you'll have a full term of uni under your belt Bea: Unlike you rudely deciding to show up in my first week of 3rd year Buster: Almost like I planned it, right? Buster: I told you I did Bea: I don't think you planned it that precisely Buster: We can say I did though Bea: Style it out, kid Buster: Would you have not kept us if dad really didn't want to? Bea: I don't know what I would've done, is the truthful but unsatisfying answer Bea: I don't know what the fuck mess my life would be without him in general so Bea: I wouldn't have put you into care, I know that much, never Buster: That's not an admission about me and Rio, by the way, I was just thinking about Chlo and that whole situation Bea: I saw her in Claridges the other day, with her Mum Bea: she looked miserable, they both did Bea: not shaping up to be the glamorous experience she thought it would be, pregnancy Buster: She didn't think about it, that was the problem Buster: I still see him in school but I can't say I'm gutted she left Bea: I can't say I was devastated she pretended not to know me, suddenly Bea: Silly cow Buster: It's fucked up isn't it, that we all have to just pretend none of it happened Bea: It is Buster: It's another reason I have to be in Dublin instead of here Buster: If I saw her out shopping I wouldn't know how to do that Bea: I do know you aren't just there because you want Bea: You don't have to explain Buster: I know it's just Buster: I don't wanna talk about it with any of them Buster: But that doesn't mean I don't Bea: Because it hasn't happened to them Buster: Nance doesn't even know that kid could be mine too Buster: Even though I hope it's not Bea: I mean Bea: I'm not saying it wouldn't be a shock but she knows you slept with her so Bea: it's always a possibility, you don't necessarily have to tell her about all the headfuckery Bea: but she'd understand, it wasn't an ideal situation ever Buster: There's such a weird disconnect, like I don't know anything about what Chlo is doing or this kid but I still have to think about it Bea: I know Bea: It's fucked up Buster: If you see it and it looks like me, don't tell me Bea: You looked like a naked molerat, never mind anything close to human Buster: Cheers Buster: At least I'm not ginger though so Bea: This is why she stole your oxygen Buster: When did you find out you were having twins? Bea: 12 weeks Bea: Thought your Dad would definitely do a runner then Buster: Is it really so much worse carrying two than one or is that a myth? Bea: Double trouble Bea: could be 'cos I had you two first but it was definitely easier second time around with one Buster: Yeah Buster: And 'cause you weren't at uni probably Bea: Maybe Buster: Cheers for not dying when I tried to kill you Bea: You know Bea: What'd your Dad do without me Buster: Literally Buster: I love him but like Buster: He's also a twat Bea: You have that in common Buster: Good one Bea: Thank you Buster: Leave me alone, mother, I have practice papers to ace, thank you Buster: Who knew you were so chatty? Bea: Piss off