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devine-star · 2 years

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Major self indulgence fic-

Eddie Munson x Male!reader.

Warnings: Anxiety attack + Autistic meltdown. Mentions of/taking of pills. Self inflicted wounds (NOT SELF HARM!). Blood. Sefl doubt talk. Lmk if I missed any!

Note: I wrote this because ahaha the future is scary! I, myself, and autistic and this is just how I, myself, have my meltdowns. It is in now way supposed to represent how ALL Autistic people have meltdowns! :)

The room is silent besides the soft hum of the lamp beside you. Everything has either been too loud or too silent and it was driving you insane.

The feeling of the sheets under your body was making your skin itch.

The collar of your shirt seeming to choke you.

Laying on your back, arms and legs sprawled out on your bed;mind racing.

'What does the future hold?'

That one simple thought starts your downward spiral.

'I don't see anything for my future...' you thought a frown coming onto your face as an uneasy heaviness settles itself between your rib cage, claiming it as it's new home.

'I'll never amount to anything,' Tears come to your eyes.

'I'll never be able to get my dream job, move out if this shitty town or even get married...' The tears slide down your cheeks as your breath quickens.

From the other side of the room, your bottle of anti-Anxiety medication stares at you; almost as if to mock you.

'I can't even be normal without some stupid pills!' Anger mixes in with the anxiety as more tears rush from your reddening eyes.

The room begins to spin around you, sitting up quickly to press your back against the wall.

"Stop..." You mutter.

Praying the thoughts will listen to you if only for a moment. But they don't.

"STOP IT!" You scream.

One of your hands coming to slap against the side of your head, trying your best to physically knock the thoughts from your brain.

"I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!!!" The scream rips from your throat as More open handed blows are landed; bruises sure to be formed by morning.

Shakey hands are now gripping your hair as you roughly start pulling, unconsciously rocking yourself back and forth.

Little to your knowledge, your best friend Eddie Munson just pulled into your driveway.

His hands shaking slightly as he pep talked himself.

"You got this Eds, just tell him how you feel and everything will be fine," he mumbles grabbing the bag of your favorite take out before hopping from his van.

Eddie has finally pumped up his nuts enough to confess how he truly felt for you. He's been in love with you for the past year.

He didn't even know he loved you until one day he was listening to you rant off about your favorite book.

Something about the way you were smiling and doing an intense voice during the plot twist reveal made his heart flutter and then sink when he realized what this meant.

But now? Ge was ready!

Rapping his knuckles against the door, Eddie waits.

Glancing around for a while when you don't open the door.

'Is he here?' He jogs down the steps to your front door checking around the side of the house to see your car parked.

'Yeah..' Confirming that you were home, Eddie knocks again.

But the sound of something crashing inside and your pain filled screams knocks the wind from him for a moment before He's barging into the house.

"Y/n!!"

Rushing upstairs he finds you sitting on your bedroom floor, half naked with your nose and fists bloody.

His eyes move from you to the broken full length mirror on the floor.

"Oh shit..." He mutters dropping the food and rushing to your side.

"Sshh...Y/n, it's okay" A yelp slips from Eddie's lips as you slap him; smearing blood from your hands on his face.

"Y/n! Hey!" Eddie was angry. He was worried. He knows anxiety and overstimulation can set in easy at the late hours when you're alone.

He quickly grips both of your arms pulling you into his lap, gently squeezing over your arms and shoulders.

Pressure therapy is what you called it.

Eddie did his own research in his free time, it's a form of release that can help autistic people calm down.

Your struggling soon subsides as you turn yourself around in his lap hiding your face in his chest.

"Too much..." You mumbled.

For a moment, Eddie panicked thinking his touch was too much but hearing your cry of protest when he goes to move you from his lap calms his nerves.

"What is N/n?" He asks calmly gently running a hand through your hair.

"The thoughts...the future...I-I can't..." Eddie can feel your body shake and breath start to speed up again.

"Woah woah, hey no, it's okay!" Beginning to rock the both of you back and forth, Eddie began humming.

Humming a song he's heard you listen to a thousand times over whenever you felt this way.

You two stayed on the floor like this for maybe an hour. Eddie whispering confirmations that the future will be bright snd that he'll make sure it will be or the universe will have hell to pay.

Sniffling softly you pull your head away from him to look at him shyly "I-Im sorry Eds, I-" Eddie shook his not.

"No, Nope. Uh-huh, not gonna let you apologize for something you can't help," He slowly, and awkwardly, stands. Keeping you in his arms to carry you over to your bed.

"Let's get you cleaned up and some rest okay?" You gently nod watching him disappear for a moment.

When Eddie returns, he's holding the first aid kit from your bathroom and a glass of water.

Sitting next to you and leaving the water on your nightstand, Eddie gently picks up your bloodied knuckles.

"Shit N/n, you really did a number on yourself," He mumbles bringing a wet rag you hadn't noticed he grabbed to your knuckles.

Hissing at the pain you whine about how it hurts "I know bubs, just a little more."

Once the blood was washed away, Eddie bandages your hand with gauze and an ace wrap before bringing your bandages hand to his lips; gently kissing it.

Smiling softly at him Eddie moves to grip your face in his hands and started his work of cleaning your bloodied nose and lips.

Eddie wouldn't admit this outloud but he LOVES taking care of you. He would do it a thousand times over, no questions asked.

All be it, he'll tease you about lightly. But he loves watching the way you admire his face as he's being gentle with you.

"There, all better." Standing to dispose of the rag and empty bandage wrappers, Eddie snags the bottle of pills from your dresser.

"Did you take these today?" He signed as you shook your head no.

"Well, we can take them now yeah?" Popping the bottle open, he pours the two pills into his hand before holding them out to you.

"Thanks,"

Satisfied after seeing your take your medicine Eddie shuts the lights off and climbs into bed with you; pulling you close.

He had this whole plan of coming over to confess his feelings, eating his weight in take out, and maybe even getting high with you but that would have to wait.

But that's okay, Eddie would wait a thousand years in order to tell you how he felt. He just wanted to make sure you're okay first.

"Thank you Eddie, I don't know what I would do without you..." You mumble slipping off into the land of dreams.

Pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead, Eddie relaxes and allows himself to enjoy this moment before he too slips into sleep.

#theo talks #self indulgence fic #Eddie Munson x Male reader #Eddie Munson x reader

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amaranthnymph · 5 months

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I think I’d like to go to a bath house sometime. (Body image thoughts ahead, be warned)

I’ve always fantasized about it, I’ve enjoyed the occasional threeway, but it’s also like really really daunting for me for several reasons.

Sex with strangers has never been a particularly safe activity, but it sure seems worse nowadays because, and maybe it’s just my experience with local men, dudes think PrEP is a wonder drug that’ll protect you from EVERY STI and that’s just, Jesus, so fucking stupid lol I’ve chatted with so many hot dudes who I end up losing interest in because they only bareback ‘cos they’re on PrEP and when I would bring up that I wasn’t on it yet, they’d just say “okay, but I’M on it, so…?” And that fucking mindset is exactly what led to me getting stealthed, which in CA is considered rape, but I still feel hesitant to say I was raped even tho I explicitly told him I wasn’t comfortable with barebacking, and maybe my hesitancy is because I came out of that unscathed and my experience is so much less, I dunno, traumatic or violent as other people’s experience? Idk Anyway, that’s one of the reasons, I don’t trust other people to be getting regularly tested.

Another reason is two-fold: distance and my job. Unless I’m wrong, the closest bath house is Steamworks in Berkeley which is a 3 hour drive! It’s not THAT long, but I dunno how I’d find a way to make the trip and stay in Berkeley for a weekend when I have to take care of my mom. She’s becoming a little more sefl-sufficient, but I am constantly worried that she’ll get hurt or something when I’m not around. There’s not really anyone else to care for her since my sister works days, my dad works nights, and they end up sleeping most of the time they’re home because they work so hard. I already feel like I don’t do enough to help my mom these days but that’s because I’m so burnt out from taking care of her, and her stroke last year only made things harder as she needed full-time care. Like, I know I could be doing more, but fuck, I’m so fucking tired.

Lastly, and sadly my biggest obstacle, is my belly. While I don’t think I’m unattractive (I don’t think I’d have been as successful a slut as I am if I wasn’t sexy as hell), I certainly don’t enjoy what I see in the mirror. My face? Handsome! Ass? Huge and plump! Thighs? Thick and great for intercrural. But my belly? I hate it. Fucking loathe it. It hangs in a way I’ve not really seen other dudes’ bellies hang, my belly fat distribution is so fucking weird. Like, most other dudes my weight have rounder, less flabby bellies, but mine isn’t, it looks like a beanbag strapped to my abdomen and I even tried to get a consult on if I’d be a good candidate for a panniculectomy and nope, my BMI is too high and Medi-Cal no longer covers it. I’m hoping that at least working out and staying in a caloric deficit will help me shed some pounds and maybe tighten my belly up. I don’t mind HAVING a big belly, but I just hate that it hangs the way it does, I can’t wear sexy undies because it basically hangs over the whole thing, I have to buy Tall shirts because regular XXL shirts don’t cover up my belly, like, it’s just such a fucking hassle as well as being an eyesore. I could care less if the rest of my body stayed the same but I fucking hate my belly.

Still, I wanna go to a bath house and live out my fantasy of having a bunch of hot dudes rail me into oblivion, I just… gotta sort out all the above shit first, maybe.

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marshmallowprotection · 1 year

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PLEASE DONT GET EATEN BY TUMBLR ;;;

Hi!! This is technically two requests but one is on Suit Saeran, kind of like another ask I saw about him and forgiveness, but a little different, I guess? Kind of, and the other one is more general, only really personal to me

But it would be so so lovely if you could answer these!!! Please!! XD

I've been hauling along Ray's mentality for literally years. Since I was in my younger teen years until now (I'm at college) I've struggled a lot with anxiety and just awful problems with rock bottom sefl-belief, esteem and worth

So when Suit Saeran broke out I was terrified because like, wasn't Ray's weaknesses and mentality the very thing he despised and wanted to stamp out?? Wouldn't he hate me, who was just like Ray? Or actually...would Ray try to hang around longer because we were so similar, or would Suit Saeran just go NO LET ME AT HER !!! >:(

Even though in reflection of Saeran's journey, I do understand why Suit Saeran manifested, but somehow still, just the look in his eyes when he threatens the player, scares me. When he has you backed against the wall, trapped by his entire body on the floor, grabbing your wrists - that in itself is horrifying

But his motive to want nothing but make you experience pain and suffering and saying something like he's going to laugh while you scream

I feel like I just can't help but be terrified. I'd be frozen and I'd be like jelly in his hands. And that's exactly what he 'wants'. I'd be his good little toy out of fear. And Unknown's favourite victim too I bet

I've always felt as though I was weak-willed and strengthless

But if Suit Saeran is really pushing that even more onto me - even though he truly doesn't mean to - I just...

That would really get to me, I think. Because I guess, allowing yourself to beat yourself up is one thing, but a scary guy you thought was your charming, equally timid soft-hearted prince starts screaming at you with the insults which already crush you down

I feel like Suit Saeran would actually tear my heart apart. Even if it was just a little bit, because I understand how beautifully Saeran came whole again in his GE - I feel like some of it would...stay. If those insults were so deep-rooted in me before all of Suit Saeran's chaos exploded...I don't know if I could manage seeing his face in peace when as the highly sensitive and emotional person I am, can still vividly remember how he was??

He never truly hurt the player. They all were empty threats, but even they stabbed at me like knives - just, the thought of it.

But then I feel guilty because the pain and fear I feel is absolutely nothing in comparison to his.

Why should I be shrinking and shaking when I need to understand that he's struggling so much more??

I sway in and out of I need to forgive him so much that I'm dizzy.

On the surface, I care about him so much. And I'm so happy with GE Saeran's freedom.

But inside, I remember Suit Saeran and his methods, if you want to call it that(..?) still haunt me, sort of?

The way he behaved was a defence mechanism for his trauma, he was projecting it all because he thought it would make him better. But even though I know all this I find it so hard to let go.

I'm happy that Suit Saeran embraced peace in the end.

But I want to know how Ray did it...

Because Ray...is my reflection.

I want to know how he was able to gather that strength enough to beat his fears.

Or maybe I don't need that strength just yet.

Maybe I don't need the power of Suit Saeran

Maybe I just need Ray.

Maybe I just need somebody who feels the same way that I do, like him. And who'll understand it. And who'll know exactly why Endless Struggle is my favourite song of the soundtrack.

I know some people might think that Ray was just a stepping stone to reach GE Saeran. And maybe even that he's not as important as other characters

But sometimes I feel like he'd be the most understanding of them all. He's so tender and loving, deep in his heart. Even if he struggles to express it or doesn't know what to do, he...still is.

He has pain and scars, and sometimes the player might too, like me. Maybe that's why I connect with and cling so dearly to him.

He's not just a mirror image of me

He's validation.

He feels that way too, so it's okay that I can. Even if nobody else understands it. Or even sees it.

And maybe his is a special kind of love

Where it takes one half of both of our hearts to make whole.

Those halves it'd take would be the parts in pain

And when they come together, our wounds, although not necessarily healed just yet - would just simply...feel safe.

Safe in eachother, and understood, protected.

Even though Ray alone mightn't be enough to save himself, and even though I'm probably not that strong either, I'd just want to be there for him.

But then he wouldn't heal, would he? He needs that journey

I just can't solve anything XD

...

Ray...you're so special to me. I care about you so much. But I don't feel like I have the power to save you. I'm not strong enough. I'm just...not.

What would he say, if I told him this?

I'm picturing tears

He doesn't even need me

IM SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT

The other thing I wanted to say is this

Like I was saying when I was talking about myself in the beginning of this message, I struggle a lot irl, especially with loneliness and feelings of isolation, because I'm actually disabled. I'm legally blind - which for me means although I do have a fair bit of sight and can do things like read and write, I can't do more serious things like drive XD

A visual impairment is difficult because it's an invisible disability. If you don't have a white cane or guide dog, you look just like anybody else, especially if you do have some sight and can manage in the 'normal' world, extremely well.

People I know forget that I can't see everything. A lot of the time I can pretend really well. Too well.

I hide a lot of my negative feelings, my loneliness and just feeling so misunderstood. I can see. But at the same time, I can't. Literally half and half. Only one of my eyes has sight. Peripheral isn't great though.

...

I feel so lonely a lot.

Mystic Messenger is the first otome game I've ever played

I actually got it for a laugh, like...to make jokes of it and stuff, because that's what I thought people usually thought of these kind of romance/boyfriend scenario games, like they weren't to be taken so seriously, things like that

But Mystic Messenger blew my mind

It felt like I'd found a group of people - even though they don't know me and anything about I struggle with, visual impairment, loneliness, social neglect - they didn't know at all, but it just seemed like they were a group of people who...finally understood me.

Somehow.

My first route was Yoosung. We're both stressed college students so I thought that was funny

But even just how he is so nice to the player got to me. He's shamelessly kind and sweet. And funny!

I got his good ending first try (with a bit of email help hahaa) but I was STUNNED BY HIS EYE

YOOSUNG

Even though it had happened in a horrific, horrific way - Yoosung was...just like me.

Oh my gosh I worded that horribly

All i meant was like

It was an even deeper sense of connection and understanding? ?

Because suddenly - even though nobody irl could ever know what it's like to have the problems and the stress that I do and the pain that comes with that...suddenly Yoosung, my first ever otome route (and still secretly my favourite character along with Ray and GE Saeran but don't tell them), knew.

Yoosung knows!!!

We can muddle through life together, right ? XDD

One eye squad assemble!!!

XDDD

...

One of the most common ways a visually impaired person gets around is by a sighted guide, and that just means the person would hold onto somebody's arm, usually by the elbow or in the crook of their arm, and they'd lead them around. It's usually really good for crossing really busy roads and stuff like that, or, if you just have no clue where you are! XD

Could I take the arms of the RFA to be guided? I can just imagine Seven getting me to gallop with him like a horse, and Zen strutting along or something

Jumin would probably be the only truly responsible one

Actually V, too! (OMG ADD HIM TO THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED GANG!! I FORGOT ABOUT HIM)

XDDD

I'm very biased XDD but I've...always imagined that Ray and/or GE Saeran would be the most gracious, patient and beautiful guide I could ever ask for. I'd trust him so much XDD

When it comes to Ray... well, I'm sure it's hard to see how he comes to the conclusion of inner peace. I think since change is something that is not outright apparent to most people, it can be hard to see how he found himself.

But you have to take the bits and pieces that you experienced from the entirety of the route instead of looking at what's just happening on and after Day 7. We have to look at the things that Ray was doing just before he was punished. He was very much starting to go against everything that had been beaten into his skull about being loyal to Mint Eye.

He began to lie to his Savior’s face and he went above and beyond to keep you from having to drink the elixir. The gears started turning in his head very quickly. You could see that he was starting to think about a life outside of Magenta.

He is well aware that Mint Eye is not a good place. But, just because he's aware of that fact, it doesn't mean that he can fight it. It is one of those things where he knows that it's a bad place but compared to the outside world and having to fight his father? He's willing to risk this suffering if he stays alive. It's complicated for him... in more ways than one.

But, you have to understand one thing. By the time you kissed him and he was able to do some self-reflection, he realized that you made him feel more alive than anything ever has. It was at that point when the gear started turning in his head. He was starting to think about what it would be like if he could leave that place with you. The only reason why those thoughts could never grow further or come to fruition is that it was tortured out of him.

He even admits when he comes out once again on the 9th day that he started to believe that he could leave that place. But, it was shut down almost as quickly as it came to fruition. It was tortured out of him for a reason. Rika doesn’t want him to leave. She is using him as a tool to get what she wants. She can't afford to lose it. She doesn't have the time to train somebody else to do everything that she's already taught him how to do.

He was already having dreams of what he wanted and how he could find peace. That's the thing about Ray. He clings so desperately to a chance to be happy. He keeps believing that things will be okay in the end even if he's been stomped on a hundred times. A part of him was already on the way to having peace… It's just that he's only able to finally reach that point of conclusion after both he and Suit Saeran can see and agree on what Mint Eye is and isn’t.

I understand perfectly, don't worry. I'm disabled, too. I know what that feels like even if we have different disabilities. Sometimes it's easy to be hard on yourself because you wish that you could keep pushing yourself to do what other people can, but you don't have to push yourself. You don't need to be inspirational to others. You just need to be yourself and take things at your pace. Live your life, and don't let anyone make you feel like you need to fit in with the rest of society.

You don't need to force yourself to do things that other people can do. People should respect what you are capable of and learn to meet you instead of asking you to meet them. The RFA would be there for you and help you in any way you needed. They'll cheer you on every step of the way. Sure, they might all be a little clumsy at first as they learn what's right and wrong in terms of helping others, but they're all determined to do right by others. I have a lot of faith in the RFA when it comes to how far they'll go to care for others.

So, yeah, I imagine you'll be safe with all of them. Especially Saeran since he wants to make sure that you feel safe and comfortable with him. Hold onto his arm, ask him for help, or let him stand by and see you handle something yourself. He'll go at your pace and listen to the needs you have. He doesn't want to infantize you or assume you need his help all the time. He wants to learn the ups and downs. Give him a bit of time to figure it all out.

#anon #ask #mod kait #long post

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minheeskitten · 2 months

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emojis are just so fun to use and so cute i can't help it ☺️🥰🩷💕😘 look at these‼️

i'm doing alright, just busy and tired 🥲 i want time and energy to read and write 😢

i'm replying late to things 💦 but i meant to say i'm looking forward to the onewe fic and i'm really excited after seeing you say there's going to be details about music! that's so cool 😍 always a big fan of the thought and research that goes into your fic ☺️❤️

also my gosh you flatter me 🫣🫠🥰 i'm glad you liked that pathetic vampire bf ask 🩷

Emojis are SOO fun, please do keep using them it really does help when you forget to add your heart!

You should take care of yourself and have fun with any hobbies you have! Sefl care always takes priority. Remember, hydrate or diedrate!

Seriously tho everyone pls eat and drink <3

The onewe fic might not be out for a while! Im habing fun with roleplaying and its just so Aqhsidbdudnejbdd

Gotta love the gay panicked babies.

I do know a bit too much about music, but i do like to use as much information as i can to make it seem more realistic. And it does also mean you all get to learn and have your smut too!!

You deserved that praise! I was so happy to see it that i wanted everyone else to see it too!!

#asks <3 #anons <3 #🩷 anon

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eternalvoidsystem · 8 months

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life update i guess by Ethan

its happening again. we have a favourite pperson and a crush. online thing once again but i hope we don't mess it up this time. i think i really actually love them they seem so perfect to me but i am painfully sefl aware of the fact i will hate them soon. we aren't even dating yet and im awfully pessimistic. but what else am i supposed to do? what is there to think after all thats happened to me. there is a large time difference with us and they leave me on read. which is good. i know it'll help a lot in the long run i hope i just don't overstep and get controlling when one thing goes slightly wrong. i feel like this is gonna end terribly and im so excited. idk why or wtf is wrong with me for thinking that but ohh well.

they like the same things i do, they have the same humor as me, i make my crude sexual jokes and they don't think of it as a come on i don't think, we are so painfully aware of each others awkard love for one another and how bad we are at loving that we are so honest about it. this kind of love, this type of pure enjoyment of another human is something i enjoy so much and i hope that it won't end soon. im going slow but so fast and im okay with it, im gonna be a tease, im gonna put on a run and hope they chase and fuck i hope they do the same to me.

here i am, a schizoid, in love. once again. i know we won't last and that's whats so safe about them.

#-ethan #did alter

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d-e-w-p · 8 months

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after over a decade of no pokemon tcg thouhgts I have been consumed once more my sefl restraint, to stop myself buying Certain Boxes, is Tenous send help

#pokemon tcg #i lost al my cards YEARS ago #and it still stings #but now these tasty looking new cards are tempting me..

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bugsnaxalternatebadend · 10 months

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you..too....PUT YOUR SEFL IN DANER AND COCO IS RUNING 30...

(wait what, what does that 30 mean, is it the age, Sebastian is 14)

-*GET BACK HERE"*-

*it seems like Alexandra teleports right in front of Sebastian*

"STAY AWAY FROM ME, I NEED THE HELP MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY"

-*"they're not your friends, they're not your family, Alegander is a deceitful piece of garbage"*-

#bugsnax #bad ending #bugsnax alternate bad ending #part 3 #sebastian lotusfinder #cocobeetle #alegander jamfoot #coffeegander #alexandra lotusfinder

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witchwolflea · 1 year

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The New Girl

A/N : I'd recommend reading this One shot while listening to 'Rainbow in the dark' by Dio

----------------------------------------------------------

TW : SH, drug use, depression

Your family just moved in in Hawkins Indiana, you're 18 and this is your senior year. You were your old town's freak, and the fact that you were a girl made it even worse. You were considered the towns freak because you were mainly listeing to metal and Rock N'Roll but also because you loved Roleplay games. One day, you saw this magazine about Dungeon and Dragons and you really enjoyed the game's concept, you knew pretty much everything about this game but you had no one to played it with. This year means new resolutions and you decided to be the most "normal" that you could be. It means goodbye to the ripped jeans but also goodbye to the band t-shirts. And you even consider joining the cheerleaders even though you hate what they do. you won't be able to go through another year of bullying, all alone. Your high school years were really hard on you, you went into depression and school phobia and started having sefl harming habits. This year has to be different. You're even gonna hide your tattoos and you dyed your hair back in your h/c which is far different from their previous color which was claret-red.

This is your first day at Hawkins High, you dressed in a plain white, long sleeve t-shirt and a blue jean, and you only did your make up with foundation and mascara. You rush downstair, take your bag, a pancake and rush through the door while screaming "See you tonight !" to your parents. You hear your mom wishing you a good day before sitting on the driver seat of your car. You drive to the school even though you are early, you hope you can find a calm spot in order to hide and smoke your cigarette before heading to class. You park your car on the parking, get out and see a little path in the forest, you take it and arrive to a picnic table, you sit thinking it's a very calm spot for your little pre first day cigarette. You sit down, take your cigarette out and start smoking when you hear leaves scrunching behind you. you jump off of the bench, to see a teenager, or young adult you don't know, with brown curly hair, brown eyes and his clothes are very similar to your former clothes. He raises his hands up to show you he means no harm before speaking.

"I never saw you around"

"I'm new in town" you answer

The boy looks at you with his big brown eyes, you can't help but stare at him, but also admire him for being confident enough to wear the clothes he want, you remember that once, you were like him, but that led you to be in such a dark place that you think it doesn't worth it.

"Then welcome perfect stranger, I'm Eddie Munson !"

You chuckle before answering "I'm Y/N, Y/N Y/L/N"

"Nice to meet you, I actually can't believe you are talking to me, most people would have ran away"

"Why is that ? » you ask

"Because I'm the town's freak" he makes invisble quoting marks with his hands "mean and scary"

"You don't seem mean and scary to me"

"Well thank you, but you shouldn't hang out with me at school, not that I don't like you no, you are pretty and I enjoy talking to you but-"

You cut Eddie's rambling. "I can manage hanging out with the outcast, I actually was an outcast in my old town"

"You don't seem an outcast to me, you seem the most normal person I've ever seen, and it's not an insult at all I promise" Eddie is all flustered and keep rambling.

"My style, my real style is similar to yours to be honest, I just changed it because I couldn't take being the freak anymore but I admire you. I admire you for not caring about what others think, and" you take a deep breathe "I want to learn, that's why, if you accept it of course, I'm gonna hang out with you at school"

While you were talking Eddie took a black lunch box out and started rolling a joint.

"I'd be honored to hang out with you, and I'll help you, I'll help you see how unimportant people's opinion is, all that matters is that you are comfortable in your own clothes, that you feel yourself. Do you even feel yourself in those ?"

You look at the ground, ashamed before answering "Not really..."

"You don't have to feel ashamed. I promise to help you be yourself" Eddie lit up his joint, you look at the joint tempted before Eddie asks you "Wanna share it with me ?"

You think about it, and if you're gonna walk into the hall of your new high school with him, you'll need courage, plus you haven't had one in two days now and the withdrawal is getting really strong so you nod.

"Before I share it with you I need you to say it out loud, please"

"Yes I want to share it with you"

Eddie hands you the joint and you take a few hits before handing it back to him. You look at your watch before cursing "shit ! Eddie we're gonna be late !"

Eddie shrugs but then he sees the panic in your eyes and takes his stuff leading you to the high school.

When you both enter the halls, everyone looks at you. You start fidgeting with your fingers, really anxious for this first day when Eddie says. "You have nothing to be afraid of, if anyone is rude to you come to me and I'll flip them off"

You chuckle slightly before answering "thank you Eddie". Gosh you find this boy really sweet but also insanely attractive, but of course you keep your thoughts to yourself.

Eddie leads you to the secretary office and waits for you outside while you go pick up your timetable as well as your locker number and code. When you head out, you look surprised that Eddie is still here.

"What are you doing still here, you're gonna be late."

"I wasn't going to let you get lost in the maze that is Hawkins high, plus I don't care about being late"

"Thank you, I'm going to my locker and then to my first class"

Eddie snatches your timetable from your hands and look at you, grinning.

"We are together almost all morning !" he seems very excited at the idea of spending the morning with you and deep down you are too. You are also relieved.

"Sounds amazing" you answer

After your last class of the morning, that you had to spend without Eddie, you're going to the cafeteria, you enter and go grab food, once you have your tray, you look around for somewhere to sit when one of the basketball player, you think his name is Jason, goes to you and tell you "Wanna sit with us new girl ?"

You look at him in disbelief because of what he just called you, but you're scared of him, you knew people like that at your old school, one of them used to hit you every single day, you start to shake.

Eddie is sitting at his table with his friends from Hellfire. Gareth, Jeff, Dustin and Mike all look at the scene happening a few meters away which is your interaction with Jason when Gareth says.

"Look at the new girl already being seduced by the King of Hawkins high"

At those few words, Eddie raise his head from his plate and look at the exchange between you and Jason, he can sense that something is off but before he can say anything Dustin speak up.

"Why does she look so uncomfortable ?"

Eddie gets up on the table and scream "YN, you can come sit here if you want"

The whole cafeteria look at you and then Eddie in disbelief and Jason look at you with a glare saying 'don't you dare sit with him'. Before you could say anything Jason turns to Eddie and says "Want somethin' freak ?". The nickname make you wince and you get out of the cafetaria, running, with teary eyes. You run until you arrive at the picnic table you were sat on this morning.

Meanwhile, Eddie makes a face at Jason before jumping from the table and going to look for you. After 10 minutes of searching the whole High School, Eddie comes to the conclusion that you are at the picnic table. He goes there and see you with a bloody razor blade in your hand, crying. He delicately sits next to you and take the blade from your hands, he doesn't say anything because to be honest, he doesn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry" you manage to say between sobs

"Don't be YN, I am the one who is sorry, I should have been waiting for you at your class. What happened with Jason, did he say something ?"

You start crying even more at the mention of what happened in the cafeteria, Eddie start rubbing your back before he remembers the bloody blade. He looks at your bloody wrists and take one in his hand, he take his bandana and start wiping off the blood while you keep crying.

"I'm sorry if it hurts sweetheart but I have to clean all that blood"

You wince when the fabric of the bandana touch your wrist but you don't back up. You're ashamed that he saw you like that though.

After Eddie finished wiping the blood from your left wrist, he wipes the blood from your left wrist.

He keeps rubbing your back while you sob before asking "do you wanna talk about what happened in there ?"

You take a shaky breath before saying "I've known someone like Jason... back in my former high school, and he-" you start crying again "he hurt me almost every single day..."

"I'm sorry to hear that YN... Jason is a dick but he'd never hurt you like that, and even if he tried I wouldn't let him"

You look at Eddie, still sobbing, with your teary eyes and you mutter a shaky "thank you"

Then Eddie looks back at yout wrists and hesitate before asking "do you hurt yourself often ?"

You burry your face in your hands, ashamed and keep sobbing.

Eddie gets up from the bench and kneel before you, taking your hands away from your face. He lift your chin up so you can look at him before saying "You don't have to answer YN, but I want you to know that you can tell me anything, I'd never judge you or tell anyone what you tell me"

"I do..." you end up answering

Eddie look at you with saddened eyes before searching for a pen and a paper through his bag, he writes down his adress and phone number and hands it to you.

"The next time you want to do that, call me or come see me, I'll try taking your mind off of it, and if you can't help but do it, I'll at least clean your cuts"

You take the paper after thanking him.

"Do you want me to bring you back home ?" You nod, you and Eddie go back to your car, once you've unlocked the car Eddie opens the passenger door for you.

"What are you doing ?" you say

"Driving you home" Eddie answers

"But what about your car ?"

"Don't worry for me YN, I won't let you drive when you're all shaken up, please let me do that for you"

You nod and climb on the passenger seat. Eddie close your door before climbing on the driver's seat. You give him the direction to your home. The ride is silent, but it's a comfortable silence. Once you arrive, Eddie open the passenger door for you before leading you to your door.

You unlock your door when Eddie says "See ya tomorrow YN !"

"Can you... can you stay please" you ask

Eddie look at you before saying "Of course I can, I have nothing better to do anyway, I can stay until your parents come back"

"Thank you so much" you say with a weak smile.

You lead Eddie to the couch and instruct him to sit down.

"I know you've been wanting to ask me something all the way home, please go ahead, ask me, whatever it is I'm prepared."

"Why do you hurt yourself ?"

You take a shaky breath before answering "Because the pain I feel inside of me is eating me alive, when I cut myself my focus is on another kind of pain, one that hurt less than the pain inside of me"

Eddie takes your hand. "I'm sorry, I wish I could take some of your pain"

After this conversation, Eddie cheered you up, he made some jokes to make you laugh, you listened to Iron Maiden together, and when it was time for him to leave you kissed him on the cheek and Eddie was all flustered.

The next days, you spent a lot of time together and

Eddie was always trying to put a smile on your face, he was doing everything in his power to make you forget the demons from your past, and it worked, every time you were with him you were laughing and smiling. Thanksgiving holidays were approaching, which meant you would be all by yourself for a week. But you decided that you won't tell Eddie, he has to enjoy Thanksgiving holidays with his family, he needs to take time for himself. You can't ask him to spend his entire holiday with you even though you'd really like that. You can't be selfish, he's done so much for you in the past weeks.

This is the last day before the holidays and you decided to go to school with your style, you put on a black Metallica t-shirt with a black ripped jean, Doc Martens and let your tattoo appear, you didn't tell Eddie that you would come to school like that, when you entered the hall, everyone was whispering, you went to class and sat at the last raw, next to Eddie's usual place.

Eddie was late as usual, when he entered the class he saw everyone whispering but paid no further attention, until his eyes spotted you. When he looked at you, his jaw dropped, he didn't think you'd be ready yet. He went to sit next to you and saw you figdeting and your knee bounce, you two had gotten really close in the past weeks so he put his hand on your knee and look at you, a look meaning 'I'm here for you'. The class go by and you keep fidgeting but Eddie keeps his hand on your knee until the teacher notice.

"Can I help you Mister Munson" she says

"I'm sorry Miss, I wasn't feeling well and Eddie was showing me emotional support" you answer

"The freak help the freak" says a cheerleader. Chrissy turn to you with an apologetic smile.

"Mrs Smith, I didn't ask for a comment, Mr Munson just remove your hand from her knee"

Eddie look at you before doing so, you nod, making him understand that it's okay. Deep down it isn't and you know that you aren't going to your next class.

When the bell ring, you don't even wait for Eddie and run to the bathroom, you lock yourself until the bell ring to indicate that the next class is starting.

Eddie enter the next class, he scans the room but doesn't see you, he doesn't care about what the teacher will say, he just get out of the room, ignoring the teacher who was ordering him to come back to class. He knew where you were but he also knew that you were hurting yourself, he knows how hard it had been for you and also know you weren't ready to handle everything that was coming with assuming your style, your mental health was still very fragile even though Eddie had helped you a lot. He had to find you, you needed him more than ever.

You were sat at the picnic table, looking blankly at your bloody wrist when Eddie found you, he sat next to you and you were so afraid that you disappointed him that you decided to speak first, looking at your shoes.

"I'm sorry Eddie, I couldn't help it"

Eddie look at you with a saddened but understanding look. "I'm not mad YN, I promise, let me fix this."

Eddie go through his bag and take out some gauze and a bottle of antiseptic, he always has it in his bag since the first time he saw you hurt yourself, just in case. He didn't have to use it in a while, but he knew that you would probably relapse one day, and Eddie was glad he didn't take it out of his bag.

Eddie put some antiseptic on the gauze and started cleaning your wounds, he then looked at you in the eyes before saying "I really like your style" Eddie is grinning, even though he shouldn't be flirty, he can't help, you're just so beautiful, even more when your yourself. Eddie doesn't care about your scars, and even if it saddened him, the fact that you happened to hurt yourself wasn't something that made him run away. Eddie fell for you in those few weeks you spent together.

"Thank you for cleaning this up, and for the compliment" you blush at each special attentions.

"Your not so bad yourself Munson" you added

Eddie got closer to you and took your hand in his. "I have something to tell you YN, and I know that now might not be the best timing but I can't keep it to myself anymore."

"I love you Eddie" you blurt out without thinking. When you realize what you just say you put your left hand on your mouth and take your hand away of Eddie's, ready to leave.

Eddie grab you by the wrist and kisses you passionately before saying "I was going to say that I love you more than a friend. And please don't interrupt me, let me finish. I really enjoy every moment with you, and I'm proud of you for coming to school like that, I'm proud of you for not self harming for weeks. Yes you've relapsed today, but relapse is part of recovery and please believe me when I say that you can tell me when you've done it, I'd rather be there for you, help you clean it up and help taking away your guilt than not knowing what you're going through. You've come such a long way YN, and I'm so so proud of you. I love you and nothing can change that."

You have tears in your eyes, what Eddie said is so beautiful, you don't even know what to answer to that, no one as never been this kind to you before and it's overwhelming, so instead of saying anything you hug him and don't let go.

It is Thanksgiving today, your parents left in order to spend Thanksgiving with your grand-parents as well as your aunts and uncles that you don't particularly appreciate, that's why you decided to stay home. You have been trying out outfits all morning long to find the perfect outfit and now you found it, you're gonna wear a black leather dress, tights and heeled boots, you put on some black eye liner, mascara and red lipstick. You've just finished putting your hair in a tight bun when you hear Eddie's van pulling up in your backyard. You rush to the door taking your keys and bag. Your run in Eddie's arms and hug him tight, your legs around his waist. Eddie chuckles and kiss you before saying "Ready to spend Thanksgiving with me and my uncle ?"

You seem a bit stressed so Eddie look at you in the eyes before saying "Wayne is gonna love you YN, I'm sure of that"

You spend the ride hand in hand, listening to your favorite song, 'Rainbow In the Dark' by Dio.

"Eddie ?" you say, breaking the silence

"Mmh" he answers

"You are my Rainbow in the dark"

Eddie smiles and squeezes your hand. "I love you Sweetheart"

" I love you too Eddie"

And as Eddie predicted Wayne loves you and you spend the best Thanksgiving you've ever spent, surronded by people you feel safe around. Not thinking once about hurting yourself. Eddie is really your Rainbow in the dark.

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A/N : Thank you so much for reading this fanfiction. I'm not really good at endings tbh so sorry the ending is so bad. Don't hesitate to comment your thoughts on this One shot. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it ! Stay tuned, more stories are coming soon !

If you or anyone you know has to deal with SH, depression or suicidal thoughts please reach out for help. https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/depression/resources.html

#eddie munson x yn #eddiemunson #strangerthings #strangerthingsoneshot #eddie munson oneshot

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