Trying not to relapse is a challenge. I’m okay though and will defeat the evil voices in my head.
So I pour my heart a lot in this blog but I never show exactly how angry I am. My depression is basically frustrating and my anxiety is even worse!
I cried today. I cried yesterday. I cried the day before that too. I can’t stop crying and I think I need help.
Saturday was so amazing that it made me realize that I’ve let people treat me badly all these years that I don’t realise that I do deserve to be treated well. It’s not just about sex or tender kisses. It’s something as small as someone feeling bad cos they didn’t bring me a bottle of cola too.
That’s rare? Yes to me it is!
LDP was the sort of person who if he bought himself 2 bottles of juice he’d drink both. I’d go “oh is one of these for me?” And if I didn’t drink it ALL right away it’d be gone and then I’d have to buy more for him.
Yes. That’s right.
What happened tonight really made me realize exactly how much I was doing that was detrimental to my mental health. I was letting so much slide and I finally got the nerve to say no to him about something
A few weeks ago I booked my tickets for the new year to visit my American friends but the first connection leaving Scotland was cancelled due to Coronavirus, and I had no idea what to do about it cos I’m not great at booking travel. I was trying to get my dad to help me but as I went into my email I discovered that my ex fiancé is still -yes still- using my Microsoft account and I get an email for each thing he does and each missed payment he has to Xbox and subscriptions. I told him months ago to use his own. Because he would always “accidentally” buy things using my card! It got to the point I once confiscated his Xbox…. and my friends said that wasn’t enough I should have smashed it!! But I’m a gamer too so I didn’t. I wish I had! Anyway, I changed my passwords and asked Microsoft and Xbox for help. They have really good customer service so they sorted it out for me so his debts aren’t on my account. And guess what? Tonight he asked me for my new password! I said no and he was really butt hurt about it! Yikes!
So in a long story short… I don’t think I love him anymore. I’m too nice to him. He’s treated me like trash and messed with my head and emotions all this time when he should just let the conversation happen so we can either talk it through like adults or cut ties.
So what next? That guy from Saturday
It could go somewhere
I think he’s really sweet, cute, a long time friend can be a great relationship. But obviously, take it slow… Slower than I have been… It’s hard to hold back when it’s all new and exciting! I deserve to be treated special tho.
Never love that which you cannot keep
do I want to walk out into the middle of a pond like a lost spirit or do I just need to drink water
1536 calories today
Still feeling under the weather, but I got some walking in. Felt hungry all day. I know it’s going to take a while to normalize eating smaller portions and less food overall, especially since I was chronically overeating and constantly grazing. The hunger triggers headaches though, so I’m hangry all day. Really excited about my new juicer, though. The juice I made early was so dang good.
Baileys in Bed 💆🏼♀️ ￼
9:32 - 9:42
10 minutes of silence is what’s needed. Opened my mind to a lot.
New podcast alert 🚨
* okay wait I made this on the 20th but never got to uploading WHOOPS! classic me :P! Oct. 20, 2020 = 100th day of this blog
today’s my 100th day of having a self care blog… wow okay here we go… for a while now I’ve wanted to do an overall recap bc I’m pretty bad at giving details in updates (important details, I mean)
things I’ve done to become a better version of myself and maybe things you can do as well to start on being a better you!
+ I started flossing regularly (then quit because I developed a cold sore in the corner of my mouth because of irritation I guess)
+ started scraping my tongue 2x a day
+ lotion + sunblock virtually every weekday and about half the times I go out over the weekend
First day of work got me tired and it’s only training 😔 Can’t wait for tomorrow☺️
If someone toxic left your life, it’s ok to miss them. It’s ok to look back at the good memories you had with them back. It’s ok to wish that things could have been different with them. But it’s important to remember your worth. Because you are better off without the people that have been holding you back. Because those people brought the worse out of you. They made you feel awful about yourself and your intreasts. And it is ok to miss them and the memories, but don’t forget that the better stronger version of you will grow because they are no longer part of your life. Keep looking forward after reminiscing. Because it’s ok to miss them but you need to remember you are doing great without them.
Has someone told you that you’re a good person today? If not:
You are a good person, no matter your mistakes, no matter what your thoughts may tell you. You are a good person
So, I took Momo to the park. (There were tears involved. I didn’t wanna go. But nobody can exercise for me, so I went. Hashtag keepin it real)
I heard some Mexican polka music coming from the field. Okay, maybe someone has a boom box. Or a phone with a speaker, whatever. Kept walking.
Saw two guys hanging out at a picnic table. One had a hi-vis vest, one had a winter coat in 60F weather. Maybe the music was theirs?
I looked closer. The guy with the coat had a guitar. The guy with the hi-vis vest had a whole-ass accordion, and was playing it, while singing in Spanish! They were having a jam session!!
Living their best lives! I am here for it!
So I immediately changed my route so I could walk by them, watch them for a bit, and give them a thumbs up.
They were happy to see me, and I was super stoked to see them!
On the way out I saw this:
YES. Be creative ALL OVER the park!
Uplift others. Life is not a competition or a comparison. It’s a fulfilling and beautiful journey to be tread upon.