I made a new term for self love because my self deprecating ass needs to be given a false sense of security.

INVESTMENT IN HUMAN CAPITAL.

Things my mum said which she meant out of love or as a joke but still hurt:

*Oo you’ve got footballers legs haven’t you?*

- I was wearing a new pyjama set which had pink shorts, and i’ll admit they were kinda tight but I loved them. I was around 10 and she said it out the blue. Why did this stick with me for 13 years? I dont know, but Im only just learning to love my ‘footballers legs’ now.

*You’re going to loose a bit of weight though aren’t you?… I just don’t know if you’ll get any clients if you’re overweight…*

- When I told her I was considering studying to be a personal trainer. Ummm.. damn. I love lifting weights, spending time at the gym is like therapy to me, but will I ever follow that dream now? I don’t think so.

*that’s a very piggy portion*

- After seeing my breakfast, which was a bowl of cereal. I didn’t finish it. Years of bad eating habits later and I have a messed up tummy.

Please don’t get me wrong, I have such a loving and supportive family. My mum would never have said those things if she knew they’d hurt me… or leave lasting thoughts that would sometimes fuel my self depreciating depression humor, but even people that mean the best can be… idiots, and sometimes not be aware of your triggers.

Thank you for coming to my rant of crappy thoughts I have at 5am.

Have a good day, drink some water 💧

I swear I used to be happy,

Though I don’t remember those days now.

I swear I used to go to sleep without worrying,

And wake up without a care.

I swear I used to not care about my clothes,

Or about others judging what I wore.

I swear the future once looked beautiful,

And not like a fucking hellhole,

I swear that person smiling was me,

In that picture from five years ago.

I swear I’ve been happy before,

The date’s just leaving me.

Maybe it was six years ago,

I think that’s when I first saw snow.

Or maybe it was seven years ago,

When I made the A honor roll.

But I swear I once was really happy,

I

just

can’t

remember

when.

Я устала. Я так сильно ждала весну. Надеялась, что она изменит все. Надеялась, что все это состояние из-за зимы. Зимой всегда было сложнее. Однако первое марта не волшебная палочка. Ничего не изменилось. Даже двигаться сложно.

I need to stop having expectations. I always get disappointed in the end anyway.

Me: Says something self depracating

My friend: **punches me in the arm**

Me: OW WHYYYYYY

Them: you were mean to my friend. I fight people who are mean to my friend

you ever feel like you’re surrounded by Mary Sues and you’re just a sub-par side character

I was at school today and I realized how repetitive my day is

My friend abandoned me for a boy again

My other friend abandoned me for a boy too

They both walked as pairs together down the hallway with me following

They didn’t notice me

I got left out again in a 4 person friend group

They joke about me and I just take it

I want to yell at them and get angry

And sometimes I do

But then I scar myself all over to punish myself

Because if I told them everything that was on my mind I wouldn’t be able to stop

And then it’d be my fault for being this way

For hating being left out

For hating myself

For noticing this every day

Because then I’d be the villain

And they’d all be the victims

Ah yes, to be both self-deprecating and a borderline narcissist

I both love and loathe myself so it’s a unique cool balance or as other people call it a “problem” 😌

People:

Don’t use self deprecating humor! Noone wants to hear that!

Same people:

*relishes shows that roast the shit out of people*

Pick one. I am tired of the hypocrisy.

I post all my sad shit, but all in all, I am lucky. When I think that there is a kid out there wishing for what I have, I feel so little compared to all the suffering that exists. But even then, my pain still hurts. I still suffocate and cry to sleep. There is so much more suffering, yet here I am still in pain. Is it selfish? Ungrateful?

Good afternoon everyone

I hope you are doing well today. Really. ♥️

Today was my day off, it gives me weird feelings. On one hand I like them since I can rest and do stuff I normally am too tired to do, but on the other one I have too much time to myself and start to think about bad things. Life’s easier when you don’t think 😅

I got to know that my mood will get worse, since my health is in “rough” shape - you don’t wanna stay in bed, relax and get a call from a nurse saying to you that you have to visit a doctor or you’ll end up in a hospital.

After that call I realized that what I’m doing to myself is not just self harm. It is something more than that, and that I get vey destructive when being left alone. This year gave me a lot troubles and trials, I failed almost each and every one of them. But I won’t do anything about it. I don’t have the strength to do so. Just fixing my mess is taking a toll on me (taking my health into consideration), so anything more than that is just too much for me at this moment. I’ll try to set up a doctor appointment next week, maybe I’ll have the willpower to do so. My personality is all warped as well, all I do is complain. I do my best, given the situation I have, but it all worthless.

This diary is for people not to be like me. Because there’s nothing more than a sharp cliff here.

Be someone better, please.

Originally posted by lena-casagrande

Originally posted by idontwannasomeonelikeyou

“Nessuno conosce la vera me.  Nessuno sa quante volte mi sono seduta nella mia stanza e ho pianto, quante volte ho perso la speranza, quante volte sono stata delusa. Nessuno sa quante volte ho dovuto trattenere le lacrime, quante volte sono stata sul punto di scattare, ma non l'ho fatto per il bene degli altri. Nessuno sa i pensieri che sono scattati nella mente quando ero triste, quanti orribili fossero.  Nessuno mi conosce veramente”

The internet is really amazing…it’s also scary but this blog feels like my safe space. A place to put my thoughts and maybe even if only one person reads or cares then that’s cool.

Bipolar sucks, psychosis sucks. Depression sucks.

Is there anyone else out there who could really understand how I feel? Like for real they could understand me? I don’t know.

Reality is bleak and disappointing. I’m thoroughly convinced that none of this is real.

Would you believe me if I told you Chettmen was once a sane man with morals and didn’t have a smile on all the time?

I feel no passion

Or fire

Motivation

Inspiration

To do anything or to try and figure out what it is that I even want to do with my life.

Like did I ever have a purpose for being here or was it just to constantly battle my own brain every day

Against all these intense highs and these low lows that are getting more and more

Suffocating

I’m just so tired and I don’t know what to do anymore

I’m always feeling so

Stuck

– Are you really better?

– I’m trying to be.