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#self depricating

TW: VENT If you don’t like this scroll on. Like one curse word I think? Kinda self-deprecating. 😅

Ya ever just sad for no reason? Like your heart is at the bottom of your chest and it’s still sinking somehow despite thinking there’s no way it could get any worse? All you wanna do is sob and you can feel the tears in your eyes and how the air catches at the back of your throat but your eyes refuse to release the tears. Refuse to give you a means to get rid of this pain. Your chest just feels like a big black hole and you wish with every part of your being that someone was there to fill that hole. But there not. Hell, no one even comes to mind for who I would want to fill that hole. Everyone has someone that they at least want to fill that empty hole in there chest so why don’t you? Are you broken? Or are you just smart enough to know that no body would want you enough to kiss away the tears and fill up that black hole in your chest? Probably the former, I feel like at this point I’ve learned enough that love is kinda overrated. Hell I don’t even know if I’ve ever felt romantic attraction? Who knows at this point. I’m just tired. Tired and sad. I should go to bed. Thanks for listening.

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I’ll always be there for my friends if they need me. I’d stay up all night just to make sure they were ok. I would listen to then just talk about what’s bothering them for hours.

And I just really fucking wish they were there for me too. They say they are, but saying it is different from meaning it. I’m just so exhausted and I really wish one of them would show they cared…

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This is just going to be some thoughts to get off my chest. It’s going to get sad, it honestly may even be triggering so I’ll tag it. But I need to get it off my chest

(Trigger warning for mentioning depression, suicidal thoughts, and abusive relationships)

So, the last couple weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. I’ve been falling behind in school, I’ve felt like the most annoying person to both my friends and the girl I love, and my depression and anxiety have been spiked like crazy

It’s gotten so bad to the point that I’ve had some honestly kinda suicidal thoughts. Or ultimately just life destroying thoughts. I want to drop out of school, I want to quit my job, I want to delete social media and cut myself off from everyone

At the same time I’ve been craving attention and affection that I don’t know how to reach out and ask for. It’s gotten so bad to the point I started to wish I had abusive people back in my life because I knew how to ask them for affection even if I was guilted or manipulated afterwards

I’ve also been getting so horribly jealous lately and I hate it so much. My old boss told my friend our coworker who treated me pretty poorly missed my friend and she talked about reaching out and hanging out with her again. And she’s allowed to have other friends, but I wanted to get so defensive about it. I hate that every time I get close to someone I get so grossly and annoyingly clingy to them that when they mention other people I get at least a hint of jealously because so many people have fucked up my trust

I hate that I can’t fucking be normal. I hate that I ruin all good things in my life. I’m failing school, I annoy and push away those I care about, and the ones I don’t I get so annoyingly fucking clingy that I drive them away on accident. Like it’s a wonder I get close enough to anyone to the point I love them because I honestly don’t know how they don’t end up fucking hating me before I get to that point. And then when I get to that point if I don’t drive them away with how dependent I get on them it’s a fucking miracle

I don’t know. I’m just tired and I honestly am just, tired of living. I feel like the biggest burden on like, everyone and I’m just. Tired

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