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#self depricating post

This is just going to be some thoughts to get off my chest. It’s going to get sad, it honestly may even be triggering so I’ll tag it. But I need to get it off my chest

(Trigger warning for mentioning depression, suicidal thoughts, and abusive relationships)

So, the last couple weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. I’ve been falling behind in school, I’ve felt like the most annoying person to both my friends and the girl I love, and my depression and anxiety have been spiked like crazy

It’s gotten so bad to the point that I’ve had some honestly kinda suicidal thoughts. Or ultimately just life destroying thoughts. I want to drop out of school, I want to quit my job, I want to delete social media and cut myself off from everyone

At the same time I’ve been craving attention and affection that I don’t know how to reach out and ask for. It’s gotten so bad to the point I started to wish I had abusive people back in my life because I knew how to ask them for affection even if I was guilted or manipulated afterwards

I’ve also been getting so horribly jealous lately and I hate it so much. My old boss told my friend our coworker who treated me pretty poorly missed my friend and she talked about reaching out and hanging out with her again. And she’s allowed to have other friends, but I wanted to get so defensive about it. I hate that every time I get close to someone I get so grossly and annoyingly clingy to them that when they mention other people I get at least a hint of jealously because so many people have fucked up my trust

I hate that I can’t fucking be normal. I hate that I ruin all good things in my life. I’m failing school, I annoy and push away those I care about, and the ones I don’t I get so annoyingly fucking clingy that I drive them away on accident. Like it’s a wonder I get close enough to anyone to the point I love them because I honestly don’t know how they don’t end up fucking hating me before I get to that point. And then when I get to that point if I don’t drive them away with how dependent I get on them it’s a fucking miracle

I don’t know. I’m just tired and I honestly am just, tired of living. I feel like the biggest burden on like, everyone and I’m just. Tired

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YUTO!!!!!!! LITERALLY MADE TO BE BFFS WITH YUTO!!!!!!!!! literally just u nd bby boy hanging out havin a ball bein lazy and avoiding doing any actual work. he would scold u any time u talk bad abt urself and praise u to high heaven about everything amazing about u and honestly? you would do the same. its a constant give and take if u were friends with yuto because you two would just be constantly trying to uplift each other unu. also hed be more than fine having just a few close friends since hes on the shy-er side and ngl he would lowkey have a crush on u the first few weeks of being friends before getting over it and being the #1 luna supporter

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