#self destruction is my hobby

[mozzaremi]

[givemetherapyimawritingtravesty]

Knives.

Reblog if you agree.

#im having thoughts #dead dove december #such angst such pain #and all kinds of wrong #self destructive #self destruction is my favorite hobby at this point

[piplupod]

would rly love to know why the brain and nervous system have decided to gift me with The Evening Horrors every day for the past ... week ? ish ? what the heck changed that made this start happening consistently every time dinner rolls around :[

#its just like suddenly everything bad becomes a crushing unbearable weight #like i can usually cope but this is just... Too Much fhdkdl #i wish i could just tell my brain and body ''hey i know this reality is intolerable but can we just like... chill?'' #like theres nothing i can do for it fhdkdl so why do i have to act like a prey animal about it !!! #cant i just be silly and ignore the terrible reality around me ??? why do the body and brain refuse to cooperate !!! #its so infuriating dbjdksl #i know its looking for an escape or a fix but theres nothing !!! i have been attempting to figure this out for 5 years now !!! #unless something miraculous happens then there is no escape or fix !!! i would like to move on and just chill !!! #if there is no way out of hell then i might as well have fun w it yknow? #if nothing immediately terrible is happening then i should be able to just Ignore it all #but alas !!! nervous system and brain do not allow for that !!! #(actually there IS a way to cope w this and its called ''have a self destructive meltdown and forcibly get switched out'') #(but I'd prefer to not do that fhdkdl i have a lot of creative projects i want to work on rn LOL) #(also the others in the brain get very bored and lonely bc theres nobody to talk to and nothing much for them to do) #(thats the issue w having a host who fronts for large chunks of time!! its difficult for the others to make friends and find hobbies!) #anyways. rambling. im going to go eat dinner and hopefully that fixes at least a little bit of this fjfkdl #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[talesfromthebandgeekmafia]

tragic news: local woman already deeply in love with d&d character she hasn’t even gotten to play yet in a campaign that is very likely to fizzle out due to scheduling conflicts

#I doomed myself I made her too fucking cool #I feel like I already know her soul but I still wanna study her under a microscope #her name is Magdela Fenport former star of the stage current semi-recovering alcoholic busking for copper coins #soon to be begrudging hero of the realm #she’s going to be a swashbuckler rogue using her stage-fighting training she picked up from her breakout role #in a series of plays she did about the adventures of a dashing queer pirate heroine that they’d take town to town #in an amphitheater boat #her favorite hobby is self destruction #and she was left by her ex wife #she’s a fucking bitch and I like her so much #if I get my way she’s gonna get hit with the power of connection & service to others & a faith that better days will come one day SO HARD #i’m fucking obsessed #I based her on the absolute trainwreck stars of the Hollywood golden age she’s a CHARACTER #d&d #dnd #spilling the Tea

[rouninren]

actual photo of me, mirrored:

but fr tho my cervical issues are so fucking annoying. they got better after i started wearing braces and fixing my overbite. at least, the nerve area around my ear doesn't get pinched in a way my whole arm gets numb anymore, that's a major progress finally i can play vidya whole day again but other than that, i can literally show this screenshot when asked "how are you doing?" in regards to my neck pain. literally shows every area on my face that is numb, inflamed, tickles, itches, contracts, and hurts all the time. it's so annoying and what i hate about it the most is how it affects my hearing and probably also contributes to the brain fog in one way or another idk high chances that my arteries got pinched too and my brain literally doesn't get enough oxygen, but i still haven't done tests to confirm that

on top of that, a dumb habit that i should cease for good is sitting on my legs up to 10 hours a day because it got to the point that i fucked them up so bad, i ended up constantly pulling them in my sleep and waking up from the pain worse than when i had my bone tissue drilled through with minimal anesthesia. like holy shit i used to be scared of dentists because i considered pain from getting my teeth drilled through the worst, but nope it's not, it's so fucking far from what a stiff body with a lifestyle like mine can go through

on the brighter side, daily yoga seems to be cancelling two decades of my dumbfuckery pretty quickly. more so, i manage to reach spots that i couldn't reach ever in my life before. this actually really excites me, because it shatters the concept of being "too late" for changing things that one was supposed to take care of earlier. i also have been approaching my whole life from a different, more philosophical perspective for last few years and every hardship i go through seems like a challenge these days.

i don't think i'm truly suffering like i used to anymore, at all. i may seem like i do, every time i rant or vent, because on a surface level it looks the same as before. but to me, a really thick, miserable layer of suffering that used to make me feel like i'm poisoned, imprisoned in this existence, locked in my body, forsaken and ultimately defeated, for long years and decades, is gone. venting doesn't make me feel worse, quite the other way round; it makes me feel like i'm embracing hardships, processing them, rather than avoiding, denying, and running away from them. funny how therapy and psychiatry was taking healing away from me this whole time, heh. instead i found it in places that psych-simps told will ruin me. but that's a story for some other day i guess.

#ronin.txt #rick and morty spoilers #ranting #i'm slowly turning into a grumpy babushka with my favorite hobby being talking about health it seems LMFAO #oh well i hope someone here reads this and feels the same way i feel when i read other people ranting about their health #that is: feeling less lonely #i always feel like i'm a waste of space and an utter failure because i generally have a lot of health issues #knowing that pretty much everyone around me has something they struggle with always made me feel less lonely #because i was often told by people ''ohh but you're so young to have X!!'' so i started to assume everyone else around me is healthy #... only now i start to fully realize that most people just suck it up and don't talk about it #in retrospect even those who mocked me for being sick or weak were actually super sick and weak themselves but also just sucked it up #and persisted with self-destructive behaviors until they fell apart earlier that ever #wild #the abled vs disabled dichotomy is really weird considering that abled =/= healthy and it's usually just a matter of time or accident #until the abled person will enter at the very least the gray area of disability #that is if they haven't entered it already way too many people push themselves to do more when they're clearly not up for the task #OK RAMBLE OVER

[dreamyberry]

/9.10.23

#I am so nauseated #I can’t see the sunshine for a week that it turns immediately into a storm #this really is life huh #grey clouds and when you are happy about something it turns against you #restarting your Brain 10x #Van Gogh knew it all #sadness will last forever #and people do get weirded out at my art and see I am depressed and that scared them away #I don’t really feel like doing anything at all anymore #maybe I should see a friend #my best friend replied once in a blue moon #i am so tired of living everytime I think I’m doing good I shipwreck again #rule no 1 keep your business for yourself and count til 10 before spilling #why do I have this stupid hobbies that don��t bring me anything anyway and don’t like clubbing and all that shit #I am SO made for self destruction #though I warned myself! #how do you really love yourself #they say feeling hurt and disappointments are part of life but if you only go through life just carrying your body about #and the rest is grim days and then you get to have a couple moments where you are truly happy #than why shouldn’t I just refuse this all and jump off a cliff #I don’t do it bc it would scare me too much and for family #don’t really give a frick if I die tomorrow and that’s terrible to say but here the bitter truth I’ve been living with for a decade #with a 1/2 year pause #now back to draw myself with 10 swords in my stomach #and to everybody irl may read this I’m sorry for not being fun and lively enough n that all I have is my arguably pretty face #great to waste the prime of your life by feeling like this!

[sleepy-bear-tm]

If you need to know me at all just know that some of the top characters I relate to are Julian Devorak, Adrien Tepes, Viktor (Arcane LoL), and Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd (in Three Hopes specifically)

#so I just have the quartet of self destructive highly depressed dudes who want to nap and not wake up #I saw them and felt myself fall to my knees in wanting to bake some bread and talk to them about their hobbies

[sollucets]

feeling very,,,, unoptimistic abt that site announcement by the way. gonna log off for a bit and pretend my internet isnt crumbling

#tumblr self destructing again #(the ratio is Impressive i really hope they listen) #ao3 down #[hides] #rowan chatter #i really…. came to rely on this place again :( #my gif hobby is functionally useless without it. and i met so many friends here these last couple years #AUGH

[g0reoz]

actually the real reason i'm a xhaka kinnie is the fact that i love hangin out with old people. and old people generally love me! and if someone was a little bitch i would probably threaten to let their grandpa live at my house too if we're being completely honest

#NOT TO BE AN APOLOGIST BUT HE DID NOTHING WRONG. NOTHING #i mean ! this is also half joking because there are many many reasons i'm at the point where i can't even beat the allegations. #silliest guy ever. Annoying Ass Hyena Cackle. perfectionist to the point of self destruction. violently protective of friends. loves food. #really fuckin into red and yellow. propensity for suddenly getting really dramatic and sentimental. bit of a dumbass. #enters large scale competitions for specific side hobby. holds people to standards they've set for themselves. the list goes on and on :] #anyways yeag👍 me for real! though i'm fuckin sobbing over the fact that i don't have sharp teeth. except for the fact that then it would- #-hurt when i bite even if it was gentle. so maybe not :( #what the fuck am i even talking about i blacked out and there's just a paragraph. anyways i love this stupid fuckin guy #...and also old people. this whole thing was actually brought on by the fact that i was at crochet club party w old ladies #i thought i was gonna go and work on my cousin's blanket. actually spent like 2 hours playing bingo and talking and being fed treats :3 #.woof.

[prozach27]

.

#so I was reading up on bipolar disorder #and apparently it’s one of the main leading causes of disability worldwide #2 out of every 3 people with bipolar disorder end up on disability #and given the fact I’ve been struggling so much with episodes where I just like… can’t do anything #idk that’s terrifying to me #I LOVE to work and feel accomplished #I’m not saying others who have to take it don’t but that it would be a massively destructive blow to my self identity to not be able t work #I think I’ve done really good work so far getting things sorted out #I’ve been compliant with meds and am almost finished with my year-long intensive outpatient therapy #the stress of the strike that started really threw me off and has made the last month pretty unbearable #but I’m learning and adapting #this just feels like it lit a fire under my ass that I really need to work overtime to fight this diagnosis and get back to healthy #there’s no putting things off like I need to get shit done #and if things aren’t working then it’s time I find another way #bc I can’t let myself just give in to the symptoms and let them dictate my life #really coming up with a game plan for 2023 to make it my year and I genuinely feel confident it will work out #2021 I wrestled control of my life back and got semi functional again. I sought help #2022 I found that help and got diagnosed / found the right medication balance / completed intensive outpatient therapy #2023 I use all this to make behavioral changes that help me regain control of my life #specifically tons of exercise / more social interaction / practicing hobbies and skills #I think it’s pretty achievable and I’m excited about the results

[forbidden-interlude]

Fun fact something happened to me like maybe a month or two ago and it was sad but I was lowkey looking forward to it because I wanted to be sad about something else for a change. However, I was only sad about it for two days and before switching back to my original thing I was sad about. And it only recently dawned on me that perhaps seeking out sadness to cover up the sadness that’s already there maybe isn’t the healthiest route and it could turn into self destruction real fast

#and then I started looking for therapists 😭 #also my self destructive era was like two years ago so been. there some that but it’s very hard to stop once ya started and I actually have #things to lose #I’m talking self isolation #stopped doing hobbies stopped going outside and other things Im not gonna say on the internet 😅 #so I’d like to avoid that slippery slope if I can

[22degreehalo]

The world is full of so many beautiful things both natural and manmade and I just want to contribute to them SO MYCH graaagagGHHHHHH

#i wanna do visual art #but im jyst so fuckign self destructively self conscious #i cant do anything visible when ppl are around or might soon be #i just want to live alone and do dumb stuff and try and then give up hobbies #until I find some kind of visual art that lets me make the things I think I can #I need a tablet :( but they expensive and itll take so long to learn #and i dont even use my laptop at a table #graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh #maybe I should write a childrens book #ive been thinking of that since working at the library #i prefer shorter works of fiction #and trying out different styles #but the best picture books are so creative with the medium #also my mum is. insanely good at making up rhymes and songs and stuff #she had to write a kids book for GISHWHES a few years back #and it was sooooo much betterthan what I could do #but ofc she just waved it off humbly #idk. is there something im uniquely good at doing? #other than (insert specific character i dont wanna name here) fanfics #usually that feels important enough to tide me over lmao #but today I saw too many other artists lol #and i wanna make something more people can see and enjoy i guess #sigh

[givemetherapyimawritingtravesty]

Irrelevant.

#no i get it #i do #i truly do #but that doesnt mean i still dont feel like shit about it #just urgh #i hate having feelings #make it stop #mentally tired #physically exhausted #like three seconds away from an emotional breakdown #might give into it soley so i can go back to not having feelings tbh #think it might be time to up the meds #it's getting unbearable #again #im just venting now #i need a hug #i need a break #bout to make some self destructive decisions #self destructive #self destruction is my favorite hobby at this point

[demoness-one]

train wreck time. starting out we've got a work van, 4 grand. ok. fair price if its got low kms or is in decent shape body wise

well. starting off... the hoods do tend to rust on these. they did say it has a little bit of rust. still not great start if its this bad

very last pic in the ad. HELLO??????? 4 GRAND FOR THIS???? HELLO????? WHAT DID YOU EVEN DO TO HIM??

#my self destructive hobby is browsing kijiji for vehicles i wont buy #its self destructive from the psychic damage i receive from things like this #and also like russian roulette... because i may see a vehicle i do want to buy.... #its how i ended up with rosie after all

[universalitgirlsblog2]

💞💕SELF- LOVE 💞💕

💕I really love myself

💞You can't stop me from loving myself

💕I know my worth

💞I am immune to putting others on a pedestal 💕I'm worthy of a great life

💞I am full of gratitude , hence I attract alot of opportunities

💕I am love and respect itself . Therefore I attract alot of love and respect from others

💞I am courageous and always stand up for myself

💞My self love makes me magnetic

💞I am immune to being self destructive

💕I am more than enough

💞My self esteem is high and my my self concept is perfect

💕No one / nothing can stop me from loving myself

💞I am taking steps to achieve my goals and make my dreams a reality

💕I am glad , I am over my self hatred , self destructive or insecure phase

💞I have healed from all my past trauma

💕I have healthy habits

💞I don't sacrifice my well being to please others

💕I distance myself from negative people and situations

💞My life gets better everyday

💕My self love and confidence increases everyday

💞I destroyed my old self who was a people pleaser , insecure and needy

💕I think only good and postive thoughts

💞I always take good and right decisions

💕” I don't care , you are you , I am me “ - Wonyoung

💞I always choose myself and will continue to choose myself

💕 I don't allow others people to decide who I am , I decide that for myself

💞I carry myself with grace and elegance

💕I am immune to self sabotage behavior

💞My voice and opinion matters

💕I made everything beautiful. That is my life

💞I am IT/ that girl who everyone wants to be with or wants to be

💕I am resilient. I am strong. I have the ability to deal with challenges

💞I stand up for myself .

💕I know when to say no when needed and create healthy boundaries.

💞I am my own muse and dream girl

💕I am hardworking and determined. I love how I always give my best in everything.

💞My emotions , feelings and opinions are valid

💕I don't chase , I attract , what belongs to me will simply find me

💞I don't seek validation . I'm not desperate

💕I enjoy my own company

💞I make myself better everyday, I love spending time with myself and my hobbies

💕I take care of myself. I invest in my self care

💞I tend to give myself only love

#affirmations #self concept #law of assumption #neville goddard #loa #master manifestor #it girl #self concept affirmations #affirm and persist #assume and persist #wonyoungism #self care #self love #self development #self improvement #self esteem #self worth #loa blog #affirm #positive affirmations #self love affirmations #affirm your life #life affirming #improve self concept #self confidence #it girl mindset #it girl affirmations #it girl aesthetic #affirmation #affirmdaily

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I broke up with my girlfriend for not taking her meds?

My (24M) girlfriend (28F) has bipolar and BPD. We've been together coming up on 3 years now. For the last half a year we were together it was pretty rough and turbulent, she was unmedicated and was having suicidal breakdowns almost every day, ended up in hospital several times, threatened and got into physical altercations with other girls who spoke to me or she thought were flirting with me, and I was spending almost every single day of my life having to take hours to talk her down from suicide or self-harm. It was emotionally exhausting and as someone who's also had suicide attempts in the past it was also incredibly triggering and damaging to my own mental health.

For additional context as to why I feel the way I do, my last girlfriend also had diagnosed BPD and NPD and when she stopped taking her medication she became fully abusive both physically and verbally and it took me a year of being absolutely beaten down to finally snap and leave her.

(Obvious note: I'm not saying everyone with bipolar, BPD, or NPD is abusive or that these illnesses inherently make you abusive. They were an abuser who just happened to have those things, and that played into how they acted and thought/felt.)

Current girlfriend eventually got medication and has been doing much better for most of the time since then. When she's on her meds she's a wonderful and generally pretty healthy partner - she's supportive, understanding of my boundaries, checks in with me, she's a year clean from self-harm, hasn't displayed any kind of self-destructive behaviour. She's gotten a job and managed to hold it down (got fired from several jobs in the past because of her daily meltdowns meaning she wasn't attending work), she's started exercising and going to the gym, she's picked up new hobbies, made new friends, she's just been doing great in general.

For about the past month though, she started going days without taking her medication and when I reminded her she would say she didn't want to, that she hated taking it, that she doesn't like the way it makes her feel etc. This is something my last girlfriend said too, and I know it's really common for people with BPD (and maybe bipolar too?) to stop taking their medication because they feel emotionally flat in comparison to how they feel off of the meds. I pretty much said that I couldn't handle going back to how she acts when she's off of the medication again and that if she was going to stop taking them then I didn't think our relationship would last through that kind of period again because last time it completely destroyed my mental health, my sleep, my life and several of my relationships due to how much energy and time I was having to put into her vs. myself and everything else. I suggested asking her doctor/psychiatrist/etc. for another dosage change or meds switch again to see if that would work better (though up until recently they have seemed to be working great so I'm not sure how good of an idea switching it up again would be).

She agreed at the time but I was kind of concerned about whether she'd been keeping up with it or not because over the last few weeks I've already noticed things devolving again - her screaming at me out of nowhere and having mood swings, intense jealousy and possessiveness, impulsive behaviour, even a couple of breakdowns again and having to talk her out of self-harm for the first time in over a year. True enough, today I found out she's been pretending to take her medication and throwing them out. When I confronted her about it she admitted she hasn't taken her medication for weeks.

I pretty much withdrew after that and didn't say anything at that moment but after a while she asked me why I was being so quiet and I basically repeated what I'd said to her in the last conversation, that I was honestly rethinking whether or not the relationship would work because I can't handle that kind of emotional exhaustion and constant sacrifice all over again. I don't mind some emotional support and some labour of love in a relationship because of course I'm going to need to look out for her mental health and reassure and comfort sometimes, that's the reality of loving someone who struggles, but I can't do it 24/7 again. I can't once again put talking her down for hours every day and weathering screaming and violent lashing out all the time at the expense of even my own basic needs and my own mental health struggles (for example my c-PTSD from my last relationship).

When I said that she got very very upset and basically said I was forcing her to choose between me and freedom or being able to live a normal/unmedicated life (which I mean, I guess I can't argue with because in a way I am making her choose between me and stopping her meds), and that I couldn't control her like that. I told her I wasn't doing it to control her and that if she's really determined to go off of them she could, but that I would have to make my own personal choice to walk away as a result of it for my own sake.

She said she'd think about it but ever since that conversation I've been going back and forth in my head on how much of a dick move it would be to flat out just do a black-and-white "Either you stay on your meds and regulate your behaviour or I leave"

TL;DR Girlfriend wants to go off of her medication, but when she's off her meds she has almost daily suicidal breakdowns and lashes out at me physically and verbally. WIBTA if I broke up with her if she goes ahead with stopping?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw