#self hatred mention

[incorrect-quotes-egos]

Chase: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.

Marvin: But don't you hate yourself.

Chase: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

#jse #jse egos #jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye egos #chase brody #marvin the magnificent #incorrect quotes #incorrect ego quotes #incorrect egos #self hatred mention

[page-2-ids]

[ID: A flag with seven horizontal stripes, all the same size. The colors are darker at the edges and lighter in the middle. The colors are, from top to bottom, very dark gray, red-gray, fuchsia-gray, very light purple-gray, washed-out light pink, purple-violet, and dark washed-out purple. END ID]

SomeDespiselyrica: A gender related to the lyrics “She is something in me that I despise”

The colors are inspired by my associations with the related lyrics

No Suggested Pronouns

#somedespiselyrica #lyrica #lyrica gender #musicagender #slipknotgender #Vermilion Collection #mogai coining #liom gender #liom coining #self hatred mention #gender coining #xenogender pride #liom term #liom #xenogender #coining post #xenogender coining

[kindnessoverperfection]

Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.

I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.

The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.

Because it's so hard to exist in this world.

My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:

Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)

Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.

Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.

Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.

Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.

Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s

I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.

So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".

Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)

Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.

If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.

NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD

Stigma in the DSM

Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)

"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."

(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)

#actuallynpd #signal boost #actuallyautistic #mental health awareness #narcissistic personality disorder #people also need to realize that mental health professionals aren't immune from bias #(it really shouldn't come as a shock that the mental health field has a longstanding pattern of misunderstanding and mistreating ppl who ar #mentally ill or otherwise ND) #the first therapist i brought up NPD to like. literally pulled out the DSM bc she could barely remember the criteria. then said that there' #no way I have it because I have low self-esteem lmaoooooo #anyway throwback to being at work and chatting with a co-worker. and the conversation turning to mental health. and him saying that #he tries to stay informed and be aware and supportive of mental health conditions & that he doesn't want to be ignorant or spread harmful #misinformation. and then i mentioned that i do a lot of research into mental health stuff and i listed a bunch of things. which included #several personality disorders. one of which was NPD. #and after listening to my whole ass list he zeroed in on the NPD and immediately started talking about how narcissists are abusive and #he knew someone who had NPD and how the person who had it had an addiction and died from the addiction in a horrible way and he #was glad he did #fun times #or when i decided to be vulnerable and talk abt my self-criticism/self-hatred bc i knew my friends also struggled w that and i wanted to #support them by sharing my own coping methods. and they both(separately!) started picking and prodding at my npd through the lens of stigma #bc i'd recently opened up to them abt having it. they recognized self-hatred as a symptom and still jumped on me for it. despite me #trying to share hurt vulnerable parts of myself to help them and connect with them. #again..... fun times

[tirednapentity]

My body image issues are soo funny actually. I go from being like you are an abomination unloved by any god, christ girl hide your face, your mere existence is an affront to people with eyes while looking completely normal to standing in front of the mirror after having vomited in the toilet an being like, you know, narcissus had a point actually

#i am mentally unwell #vent #i guess #self hatred mention #delete later #No no because i am not exaggerating anywhere here

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Pairings: None

Word Count: 1,794 Words

Summary: The solar eclipse after Solar's death has an energy to it.

Warnings: Character Death, Caps, Cursing, Overworking, Self-Hatred (from Moon, of course), Sleep Deprivation, Blood (minor), Minor Injury, Ghost, Magic, Mind Meld, Soul Bond, Sharing A Body/Brain, Pain, Nausea, let me know if I should add anything else.

Binding And Bonding

Solar woke up in an abyss. Everything around him was darkness. He could see a vague ring of light around him, lighting up the rest of his surroundings decently well. He could vaguely hear something being said into the void around him in a vaguely familiar voice but he was knocked out before he could acknowledge the voice.

-Two And A Half Weeks Earlier-

"I don't wanna go…" Solar muttered, body deteriorating and slowly disintegrating as it collapsed to the floor like his dimension likely was. Moon was quick to grab him and try to keep him steady but it wasn't any use given he couldn't feel his legs anymore.

"You don't have to!" Moon insisted, holding Solar as close as he could, Solar feeling Moon's hands slip through him as he could feel himself fading into an abyss.

"Solar? SOLAR!" Solar could vaguely hear Moon screaming as he went into a void.

-A Week Later-

"Moon, you're pushing yourself. You aren't charging or resting." Eclipse finally broke and snapped at him.

"Maybe I would if I hadn't fucked everything up!" Moon screamed back at him, too stressed to not scream at the inconveniences anymore, too focused on getting Solar back now.

"Moon, you're at a max of five percent." Eclipse reminded him.

"I'll charge when my brother is back." Moon growled venomously, eyes turning to glare that Eclipse dare interrupt him but Eclipse had gotten used to Moon being like this fairly quickly. Eclipse knew Moon would inevitably run himself down and then Eclipse could carry Moon off to bed.

Thankfully, Eclipse got that opportunity sooner rather than later as Moon stumbled and his hand hit a tray, knocking it to the floor with Moon collapsing to the floor as well a few seconds later.

Eclipse went and finally was able to scoop the poor sap up and groan at how heavy Moon was, muttering complaints about how much Moon weighed as he kicked the door to Parts & Service open for him since he was busy carrying Moon.

"You." Ruin caught Eclipse's attention before Eclipse was able to leave.

"Yeah, what about me? Want me to come in there and kill you finally?" Eclipse asked.

"No, actually. I would like you to forget Protocol 87.775.2, actually." Ruin told him and Eclipse tilted his head in question, not really knowing what Ruin was talking about.

"Forget about what?" Eclipse asked.

"Exactly! Good job! Thank you! Be on your way now!" Ruin cheerily told him and Eclipse shook his head and carried Moon up to the daycare and through the portal to the house, sighing seeing Sun's cats practically waiting for Moon, though they hissed as if they hated him anyway, but Eclipse knew the little cretins were pretending they hated Moon.

Eclipse laid Moon on the couch and put a blanket over him for the cats to crawl on top of and purr now that they knew Moon was sleeping. Eclipse chuckled at the little gremlins. They sure loved their uncle, they were purring on his unconscious body.

Eclipse plugged Moon's charging wire into the wall outlet near the couch and left to go figure out what the hell Ruin was talking about, landing at the daycare computer inevitably. It seemed the computer knew everything anyway so he may as well try.

"Nice attempt, but you are not a member of the Celestial Family." The computer told him.

"Nice joke, I actually am. But I came for answers." Eclipse told the machine.

"Whyever would I give you answers?" The computer asked.

"Ruin mentioned a protocol in me, basically asking me to delete it but I don't know what he was talking about. I will let you scan my code if you look for Protocol 87.775.2." Eclipse told the computer.

"…I will agree to these conditions, only because it may serve well for Moon." The computer agreed. Eclipse plugged himself into the computer for it to scan him and just sat back waiting, all he could do was wait. The computer was doing two things at once and it was taking a while.

Eclipse ended up falling asleep for a bit in the computer chair while the computer did its thing. However, the computer also decided to be an alarm for Eclipse as it woke him up with a loud bussing noise through his circuits.

"HEY!" Eclipse jolted awake, pulling out the cord and thoroughly startled by the computer.

"Ah, good, awake. I have found Protocol 87.775.2 as well as scanned your code." The computer told him.

"And you wake me up like your about to try giving me a controlled shock?" Eclipse snapped.

"Yes, I found it amusing." The computer would've laughed if it could, Eclipse could tell.

"Fine, what is the protocol about?" Eclipse asked.

"This protocol entails a means to what Moon has been working on. A way to undo what has been done." Eclipse scoffed at that.

"So that's why he wanted me to get rid of it. I haven't been alone in a room so he couldn't give me an order to try to get me to delete it until today." Eclipse muttered.

"Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult as it works with the essence of an energy." The computer told him.

"Tell me what I have to do."

-One Week & Four Days Later-

Eclipse walked into the room Solar had died in. He had finally made good on getting everything else ready and Sun and Moon were out with Earth and Lunar, watching the solar eclipse on the roof of the PizzaPlex.

Eclipse had chalk, blood, and a dagger. He hated this, it felt so weird. It felt so awkward to probably be the first person Solar sees when he comes back.

"Solar?" Eclipse calls to whatever remained of Solar's energy, which he had attuned himself to over the last week and a half.

"Solar." Eclipse called to Solar again, sitting down in front of where Solar died. He could feel the energy around him swirling as though Solar was trying to tell him he was there still.

"There you are." Eclipse closed his eyes, holding the chalk and drew a circle of runes with his eyes closed, following the images of runes the protocol was feeding him on the back of his eyelids. The circle was around Eclipse himself and the spot Solar died in, interlocking them.

"Solar, I can feel you. God that sounds weird." Eclipse muttered the last half. The energy jolted like it was laughing at him. "Yeah, laugh it up, idiot. Sit with me." Eclipse sighed. He could vaguely see the outline of Solar's energy sit with him.

"Thank you." Eclipse muttered, knowing he had to thank Solar. He hated that he had to. Eclipse cringed as he poured the blood on the inner ring of the rune circle, watching outside as the sky began to go dark.

"I willingly open this connection for Solar." Eclipse stated as the protocol had, cutting open his right hand with the dagger in his left dominant hand. Eclipse could see that the whisp in his vision that was Solar's energy was interested.

"Hold my hand, Solar and only Solar." Eclipse told the energy. The energy seemed to hold his hand and Eclipse sighed at the feeling, relieved Solar was just listening to him, probably out of curiosity rather than genuine willingness.

"I connect what is mine to what is yours. Wire for wire, energy for energy. I share willingly what is mine with you." Eclipse spoke evenly, making sure to read word for word.

"This day is a connection." Eclipse felt the rune light up with light, blazing as the room went completely dark. "I bind us. Mine is yours. under this light, we become connected." Eclipse lost his breath after these words of the spell, making him choke a bit as he could feel Solar's energy binding to his own, coughing to get air as he could feel his mind breaking in half, body feeling aches and pains as Solar's energy was bonding to him.

Eclipse lurched forward, nauseous as he felt Solar's AI blooming into his head, using the broken-off half of Eclipse's mind, their mind? Eclipse didn't know but he was nauseous. Animatronics weren't supposed to get nauseous. He leaned with his hands on the ground, hearing someone screaming. Was that him? Was he screaming? He still had to say the final words and get Solar to say them too.

Eclipse reached his energy into his mind, making Solar take half control with him, each having control of one half of their? body. Eclipse fed the final words into their vision to make Solar say it with him. Once Solar nodded using their head Eclipse nodded back.

"We claim the energy of the solar eclipse given to us." Both of their voices echoed and the pitch-black void of the room glowed with a peace around them, the white ring around them calmly pulsing with their energies. Eclipse finally felt a peace now as he curled up on the ground, trembling with everything that had happened, too overwhelmed to move but he had to finish it. He had to finish this. He fed to Solar in their optics the final step and words.

Solar was the one to drag their body upright again. Eclipse was shivering, Solar was shivering. The room felt cold. Everything felt cold. Solar seemed to have more force than Eclipse, Solar was learning how to share their energy.

"We undo the damage that has been done through false trust." They made sure to echo each other and Eclipse felt a bloom in his chest of the energy they claimed from the solar eclipse above in the sky still, the ring around them, practically burst into a running visual of universes coming back into being, rebuilding themselves, lives being brought back immediately, everything blooming around them in the circle of light like flowers.

Eclipse gave a soft, exhausted chuckle seeing it and seeing the sky begin to get light again. Once the ring around them finished, the warm feeling slowly dissipated and Eclipse and Solar simply collapsed onto the ground, shaking and taking deep breaths.

"Thank you." Solar whispered.

"I know." Eclipse tried to laugh but all that came out was a wheeze.

"Are you okay?" Solar asked.

"I'm exhausted." Eclipse whispered back.

"Well, you gave up your magic to bring everything back, you're probably going to be exhausted for a while." Solar sighed.

"I expect Moon to thank me, you tell him that if you wake up first." Eclipse told Solar before letting himself ease into unconsciousness, giving Solar control for a brief moment before Solar fell asleep too from being brought back and losing a lot of energy himself.

#sun and moon show #sams #five nights at freddy's #fnaf #souls bind au #fnaf solar #fnaf moon #fnaf eclipse #fnaf ruin eclipse #snoweywrites #tw death mention #tw caps #tw cursing #tw self-hatred mention #tw sleep deprivation mention #tw blood mention #tw injury mention #tw ghost mention #tw pain mention #tw nausea mention

[nerdpoe]

In the Shadow of Speculation Part 2

Part 1, Ao3

Heavy chapter, please heed the following; Blood tw vivisection tw descriptions of a flashback descriptions of a night terror descriptions of recovery abled verbiage tw self hatred tw (mild) forced parenthood equivalent (but in a ghost culture way)

Danny took a deep breath and used the Ring of Rage.

A glowing portal formed in the air before him, perfectly stable. Cold, bitter wind blew through it, along with the smell of antiseptic.

Wrinkling his nose, Danny stepped through the portal and closed it behind him.

“Oh, greetings Mr. High King! Are you ready for your check-up?” a nurse Yeti said, looking up from her clipboard enthusiastically.

Danny attempted a smile.

“I’m prepared for it, yeah.”

“Wonderful! Your friends are already in the room for moral support!”

Danny paused.

“Who-?”

“The Lady of the Green and the Lord of Innovation, of course!”

Oh thank the Ancients.

Danny nodded his thanks at the nurse and started for his assigned rooms.

Every inch of the hallways, unfamiliar before the Accident, were ingrained in his memories now.

He’d finally walked from his door to that window without help four months after waking up, and he’d been so fucking proud about it too. He’d hid behind that potted plant during his first flashback. He’d climbed out of that window and crawled on the roof just so he could feel the snow on his skin two months into Physical Therapy.

That was the yeti that had taken the brunt of his anger and hurt on his worst days, nodding at him as Danny passed. That was the room he’d pleaded with Dan to take him away from the hospital, that he couldn’t do it anymore, that he just wanted to go home-that was also the room Dan had set his foot down and said that he’d play the bad guy for Danny one last time.

And oh, how Danny had despised him for it.

But it had worked. Danny, with someone who was there for the sole purpose of taking the verbal assaults meant for his Physical Therapists and himself, who was only there to snipe back and deliberately egg Danny on, helped Danny find the energy to push forward.

And Danny still felt awful about that.

Danny passed the table he had eaten his first solid meal at, one month after waking up, and took a left.

There it was.

The door to the rooms that had been his sanctuary and his prison, right up until they hadn’t been needed anymore. The first place he’d seen when he’d woken up, and then been amazed that he’d woken up at all.

With a deep breath, Danny pushed it open.

“Hey man!”

“Danny!”

Danny’s smile was weak, and he was holding back tears in the face of so many memories he hated and adored in equal measure.

“Hey guys, thanks for coming.”

~~~~~~

Dan knew he was asleep. Dan knew he was awake. Dan knew he was somewhere in that awful inbetween.

He was in his parents basement. No, wait. They weren’t his parents. They’d never deserved the title.

He was in the Fenton’s basement.

The world kept glitching out, the colors kept melding together, and the only thing that stood out was the overwhelming feeling of disbelief and terror.

Little him was strapped to a table. Little him was strapped to a table. Little him was-

Stop.

Assess.

What was going on?

Little him was strapped to a table; he was locked in place. He was in his Core form. It was…damaged. It was damaged.

Why?

Who would…?

There was a sliver missing. They’d torn a piece of him off. They’d tried to peel him open. They’d-Little him would be crippled.

If he survived.

But he had survived, hadn’t he?

Little him’s core was strapped to a table, damaged, and there was no resonance coming from it. There were vials upon vials of ecto-blood on the tables.

That was a kidney.

That was a stomach.

There was blood on the floor.

There…there was blood on his shoes.

Dan floated off of it, listening to the dripping sounds it made as it rolled off his soles.

The door opened.

Two monsters walked through, all giant bug eyes and sharp metal knives.

Dan had two options.

He could kill the things that had done this.

Or.

He darted forward to break the straps and shoved Little him’s core next to his own, where it would be safe, where it could recover as it leeched his excess energy off of him.

The world glitched again.

Dan was standing in Jazz’s living room, hand digging into his own chest. Searching.

With a shaking breath, he pulled it out.

He’d only carried Danny’s core next to his own for two years, but he still found himself searching for it in moments of weakness.

He hadn’t been the best Spirit to host Danny’s core, but he’d fought tooth and nail to do it. Vengeance Spirits could not normally house Protective Spirits.

It was why he’d done the whole hero thing after; it would help Little him heal if he did. And when he scared the people he was saving away?

He’d opted to train the little fledgling heroes. He’d make sure they grew up safe, protected from actual villains and, if needed, their own personal ones.

Anything to make sure he didn’t have to see another kid so close to completely shattering into Nothing, he never wanted to see that shit again-

Dan forced himself to move away from the couch and towards the kitchen.

It was pointless to dwell on the past. He did everything he could; if the Twerp wanted to be next to those monsters, that was on him.

So what if he’d fucked up their relationship? At least the kid was alive.

Dan’s hands still shook as he made himself a cup of coffee.

…

Maybe he’d just check in. Just for a bit.

~~~~~~

Dan may have failed steps one through ten.

It had probably started when he’d played surrogate for the Runt, if he was completely honest. There was no way Dan hadn’t absorbed a little bit of his Protective nature.

Point was; Dan genuinely could not remember going to Arkham.

He just sort of…came back to himself while floating ominously above it.

He could see the alarm lights flashing below him. The humans running for their battle-stations.

The inmates being herded deeper into the complex.

Dan felt his eyes grow hotter, felt his claws dig into the flesh of his palms.

They were right there. Right fucking there. All he had to do was phase through the compound and just reach into their chests.

It would be so. Fucking. Easy.

In fact, he even caught a glimpse of Maddie through one of the windows.

Dan snarled, lifting a hand, the ectoplasm pooling in it hotter than anything he’d made before-

-and he was in the kitchen. Mom was trying to make hot dogs, but they kept fighting back. She was laughing at a dumb meme he’d shown her. His homework was covered in mustard from the fight with their food.

“I guess you can tell Mr. Lancer that you ‘mustard’ up every resource you had!” Dad called out as he walked by, and Dan felt so loved-

-Dan dropped the hand.

Maddie was hauled past the window and to safety.

Fuck.

Fuck this place.

Fuck this city.

Fuck everything about this situation.

~~~~~~

Batman grappled his way to the tallest watchtower in Arkham, keeping an eye on Phantom the entire time.

The guard that was already in the tower-a new hire, if he recalled-nervously stepped up to fall in line beside him.

Batman waved him off.

He knew Phantom. He knew that the man wasn’t actually a villain.

A Training Villain wasn’t something Batman had seen younger heroes needing, but when the Ghost in front of him had started play-fighting with the younger heroes to teach them through safe combat, the Bat had been mentally kicking himself.

It was a perfect job to train younger heroes, and Batman couldn’t help but feel like he’d failed the previous iterations by not realizing that.

Robin was still angry that he’d fallen for it, of course he was, but Batman could not deny that Phantom’s strange method of training had been instrumental in helping his youngest work through his rage.

Just like he could not deny that he and Phantom had something in common with Arkham.

It wasn’t hard to assume that the walls held a person responsible for the death of someone in the man’s life.

Phantom had only shown up to Arkham a total of three times.

The first time, he’d just hovered outside of it, holding his hand to his chest. He’d done nothing, and left in an hour.

The second time, two years later, he’d broken two walls and shattered a watchtower, screaming for someone to come out and face him. Robin had been on scene before Batman had time to distract him, convinced it was the same Phantom he was used to dealing with.

Surprisingly, the sight of Robin had been enough to still the beast Phantom had become. He’d toned down, forced Robin into a surprise hug, and then disappeared. Robin had been livid, but Batman had learned something about the Training Villain he didn’t think he wanted to know.

The man knew loss, and Batman was pretty sure he knew it on the same scale Bruce did.

From there, it wasn’t hard to figure out the most likely objects of his wrath.

Phantom was a Ghost. Ghosts had a very, very bad history with the American Government. The Anti-ecto acts had just been revealed to the public by Lois Lane, and the country was tearing itself apart.

The people who had been the most avid supporters had been, currently were, the Dr.s Fenton.

Who were housed in Arkham.

Batman had said nothing. He had gone back to the cave and quietly updated Phantom’s file, and left it at that.

The third time was the present.

Phantom had almost lost his temper. Almost.

But he’d reigned it in.

“Phantom,” Batman started, staring at the figure above him, “I know you can hear me. What’s happened?”

The Ghost stayed where he was for one hundred and twenty seconds, before slowly gliding down to the Bat.

Phantom did not say anything.

He did not have to.

His eyes were anywhere, everywhere, but where he actually was. When he actually was.

Batman quietly hissed through his teeth.

Alright then.

“I’m here if you want to talk, otherwise we can be silent. Just know that at this moment, you are not alone.”

Phantom chose silence for a good seventeen minutes.

Then Phantom opened his mouth.

“I should hate them,” the voice was halting, tired, “I should, I really should. They loved me so much, but they…they tore him apar-“ Phantom’s voice failed him.

Batman said nothing, and gave the Ghost time to collect himself.

While he waited, he compartmentalized what he’d learned. The Fentons had torn apart someone very, very important to Phantom.

And Bruce had an awful feeling that he meant that literally.

“I can’t be here,” Phantom said instead of finishing his previous thought.

Batman nodded.

“You didn’t hurt anyone this time, so go; I see no reason to stop you.”

Phantom didn’t grace Batman with a goodbye, but the Bat swore he felt an invisible hand squeeze his shoulder after the Ghost vanished from sight.

~~~~~~

Danny laid on the examination bed, one hand being held by Sam while Tucker lounged on the bed at Danny’s feet. They were talking about their new companies, how the world was changing, and distracted Danny while Frostbite examined his vivisection scarring.

Danny looked everywhere but Frostbite as the yeti pushed and prodded. He didn’t want to look at his chest if he didn’t have to, but he also didn’t want the embarrassment that was accidentally meeting his doctor’s eyes in the middle of a physical.

“Fantastic news, Young Savior,” Frostbite said, interrupting their idle chatter, “Your core, while still healing, is recovering at a phenomenal rate. Truly, Lady Gotham is good on her word! At this pace, your core should be fully healed in a mere century!”

Danny hated that. He hated that it needed to heal, and he hated that he was going to outlive his friends.

Sam and Tucker leaned a little closer, offering comfort for something that they knew the Ancient before them wouldn’t understand.

“Better news, the physical damage appears to be almost completely healed. The regrown kidney and stomach are showing no signs of failing, and the scarring should be the only nuisance. I recommend the afore-mentioned stretches and lotion to help the scar tissue conform with your movements.”

Danny nodded, sitting up as Frostbite stepped back and removed his hand from inside Danny’s torso.

“I also see no issue with your residual limb, although it does appear you’ve been forgetting to remove the prosthetic often enough to cause some light bruising. Can’t say I don’t understand, but perhaps write a reminder and pin it on your bedroom wall.”

Danny avoided Sam’s flat look.

Tucker just flashed his phone screen at Danny, the words ‘I can make you something really cool with rockets it you let me’ sprawled across the screen.

Danny absorbed Sam’s flat look and mirrored it towards Tucker.

Tucker threw up his hands.

“Ancients forbid I do anything, I guess,” the techie sighed dramatically.

Once Danny pulled himself together and got ready to leave, Tucker threaded an arm around his own.

“So, wanna go ding-dong-ditch Walker?”

Danny paused, then grinned; and for the first time in two weeks, it wasn’t a lie.

~~~~~~

Danny waved back at Sam and Tucker as they went through their own portals. They would definitely have to get together and hit the town on Earth.

Danny walked through his own portal and ran face-first into a mass of muscle.

Dan steadied him as he bounced back.

Danny was immediately hit with conflicting, very confusing emotions.

He was looking at Dan, his enemy. He was looking at his father? No, it was Dan. Wasn’t that the same-?

Danny shook his head. He’d never gotten a straight answer about why his Ghost self’s view on Dan had changed so dramatically; everyone always shied away from the question.

“Can I ask what you’re doing in my apartment?” He asked instead, stepping back and closing the portal.

“Just making sure you’re settling in, Tiny.”

“We’re the same height?”

“Nah, we’re not.”

Danny shoved the absurdity of their interaction in the back of his head and made for his couch.

“Well, whatever you’re doing here, here’s to hoping it involved making dinner,” he groaned, sinking into the cushion and pulling up his left leg to start the tediously cumbersome process of pulling it off, “because per the doctor, I’m supposed to keep the prosthetic off for the rest of today.”

“I was gonna order out. Move, we’re watching Sailor Moon.”

Danny whined pitifully when Dan physically picked him up and moved him to the side.

He fought his instincts, and his instincts won.

He leaned back and allowed Dan to take the prosthetic off, clawed fingers delicate for all that the man snarled under his breath.

He also allowed the man to commandeer the TV; not something he would even allow Jazz to do.

“Why do I let you do these things?” Danny muttered, eyeballing the quasi-villain on his couch as said villain massaged the stump just below his knee.

Dan snorted.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

“Ugh, no one tells me anything.”

“We’re pacing you,” Dan corrected, blunt for all that the words were careful, “when you’re back on your feet, you’ll get the non-vital details we skimmed.”

Danny didn’t bother arguing; he’d already tried for the better part of the previous year. For some reason, the yetis took Dan’s side, too.

Instead, they fell into a companionable silence, appreciating Sailor Moon. Which was fine by Danny, since he never knew how to behave around Dan. It was only interrupted by the delivery of the Greek food Dan had ordered out.

Danny was on his second Gyro when Dan finally broke the silence.

“So I heard there was a rogue attack outside your apartment,” he said idly, and Danny could feel his eyes on him.

“Yeah.”

“So you got to see the Bats in action?”

“…Yeah.”

Dan leaned in, eyes going critical.

“What needs improvement? Don’t lie; that ‘yeah’ was one that means you weren’t impressed.”

Danny shrugged.

“I dunno, just…they didn’t have someone who’s only job it was was to evacuate the people, or help the injured. It was just offense, no defense.”

Dan snorted and leaned away.

“Kept telling that to Robin, but no; ‘Father this’ and ‘Father that’.” Dan shook his head, chewing thoughtfully on his rack of lamb. “So. What are you gonna do about it?”

Danny blinked.

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve seen what they need, and I’m not stupid enough to think you’ll stay out of the game forever. What are you gonna do about it?”

Danny looked down at his Gyro, frowning.

What was he gonna do about it?

He couldn’t fight, not like he used to, not really. But if the Bats were tanking, then…he probably wouldn’t really have to.

“I’ve been in medical facilities for almost a year,” Danny said slowly, ignoring how Dan stiffened next to him, “I think I’ve picked up a few things. Frostbite would probably be thrilled if I asked him to teach me, honestly.”

Dan relaxed, humming thoughtfully around the bone he was chewing on.

“I think…I’ll be a medic.”

@simplestoryteller @gildedphoenix I do not suffer PTSD, and I've never had a life-altering injury. That said, I know people who have, for both of those. I apologize if my descriptions are off. Here's some notes to piece together what this chapter outlines, for those that want the sparknotes as to what Dan is alluding to. From my notes; "Ghosts can carry another ghosts core if that core is injured, to protect and promote healing. Typically, the father or mother figure does it. In this particular instance, Dan did it. We will see in a bit, but for Dan their relationship went from enemies-warden-person I gotta apologize to-person I’ve got to save-the core housed next to mine-son. For Danny, it randomly went from enemies to ‘why do I think dan is my dad more than I think my dad is my dad’." This is where the "forced parenthood" tw comes into play, because Dan felt like he had to do it, and due to instinct Danny subconsciously got dragged along for the ride. Also, if it wasn't clear from the age list on the first chapter and the timeline presented, I'm playing around with Lian and Roy's timeline; Dan's first year he babysat her, and then she died. She came back only four weeks prior to Danny re-entering the human world.

#in the shadow of speculation #dcxdp #dpxdc #dc x dp #dp x dc #blood tw #vivisection tw #flashback tw #night terror tw #descriptions of recovery #physical therapy mention #self hatred tw #abled verbiage tw #forced parenthood tw #healing through helping others #past abuse #past torture

[creativename87]

orv spoilers!!!

ok guys. guys. why aren't we spending every single fucking moment of our lives talking about the oldest dream & kim dokja scene?? like hello??? i'm not even talking about when kdj tries to stab himself no no i'm talking about the few, small moment leading up to that, when it's just them, staring at each other.

it's such an gut wrenching powerful scene in my opinion. like like like oh my god. so much has happened. and yet, and yet to them it's still about the same webnovel. kim dokja has aged thirteen years since he was this kid, but as he steps forward they still are both just kim dokja.

They both remember the cold rush of air when they leapt from their school balcony. They both remember the breathless laugh before they did it. They probably both remember the way it reminded them of when they were five, getting thrown into the air by their mother, her face not yet wrinkled with regret. They remember the way it burned as they hit the cold pavement and as blood seeped into the concrete. the way that whole thing was nothing more than a reminder that this time there was no one left to catch them.

They remember the flashes of cameras and they both remember typing three tiny words into the hospital computer.

They are both kim dokja: One is just the past and the other is the future.

They stare at each other when by all definitions they shouldn't be allowed to exist close to other. Kim Dokja hates him, he hates himself and he hates his past. and the oldest dream wishes he were him he wishes he could be someone stronger ,someone better, and that's why our kim dokja exists. They are trapped in this circle of resentment and remorse.

His companions stare, registering the scene in front of them. what this means. and it's this heartbreaking sort of realization that the god they came here to fight is not just a child, but the past of their leader. this world that has bruised them and hurt them and killed those they loved, was caused by one of the ones they loved.

And then the oldest dream( he's just a fifteen-year-old kid. he doesn't even have a drivers license yet. he doesn't know anything in this world except for pain and the rush of joy that comes with another chapter) opens his mouth. He stares at his future. A future he has created for himself. and he whispers, in a slow voice, his face twisting

"M-monster…"

#also obsessed with the part where kdj stabs himself because to me that is the PINNACLE of his pain & self-hatred and it's the monument to #every single hint and subtle moment that builds kim dokja's self-hatred bit by bit #it is *the* moment of all that burning pain and agony and oh my god is it beautiful #and then all his compainions #in their own way #grab a hold of him. they stop him from hurting himself. from killing himself #and it's so #god it's so beautiful #i'll make a post about that one day #orv spoilers #tw sui attempt #mentions of suicide #orv #tw suicide attempt #omniscient reader novel #omniscent reader's viewpoint #omniscient reader's viewpoint

[cupcakes-and-pain]

Charles & Ollie: Past

Hey guys. Um. It’s been a while since I’ve written. Sorry. Anyway! I really love this piece. It’s also much longer than most chapters I write, I’m pretty sure. Almost 2.8k words. So that’s fun.

Enjoy!

CW: pet whump, slave whump, refusing to use someone’s name, insults, perceived abandonment (technically not real), fear of punishment, self hatred, unreliable narrator, drug trafficking, drugging mention, police, starvation, escape/running away, homelessness, fear of death

Masterlist

— — —

It had been a normal day.

Wake up, make breakfast for Master, kneel quietly, and hope that he did well. Hope that he wouldn't have to spend the next few days tied up, bleeding, and starving in the basement. It was always his fault for being so stupid and deserving to be punished, but he could hope. Not want, of course, that'd never be allowed. But he could secretly wish and dream for a time when Master was forgiving.

Luckily, Master didn't find anything wrong with his pet's behavior that morning, so he set out. But not before giving his slave a strong kick to the ribs to keep him in his place. Pet preferred the kicks, the other choice for a daily reminder was a slap. Pet hated the hand marks. They made his already hideous face look even more ugly.

Pet set about his chores, washing the dishes and wiping the counter. He caught his blurred reflection in the polished granite. His collar was tight around his neck, the little tag hanging from it jingling.

He touched it gently, longing to hear his Master say the name written on it, just once. He knew that he needed the reminders because he was so stupid and useless. He'd forget his place if he wasn't called names all day. "Slave. Pet. Stupid. Ugly. Mutt. Useless. Fleabag. Bitch. Dog." On and on, all the cruelest things Master and his friends could think of, perfectly suiting for the crushed and bleeding thing that so often laid at their feet.

But Pet longed to hear his name, his real name, so badly. It had been so long, he knew it was bad, he knew he was selfish and worthless and dumb. But... no one would know, right? If he said it, just this once? Such a tiny word, only two syllables.

"Ol-"

The door flung open, and Pet jumped back, arms above his head. It was like the ground crumbled beneath his feet, and his stomach dropped. He fell to the floor, curled up, trying desperately to protect his most vital organs from attack. Had Master been waiting for this? He knew that his slave would mess up, didn't he? And he was just waiting to beat the living daylights out of the useless, worthless, disgusting piece of flesh that he owned.

"Hey, no, stupid dog. Come here." Master hauled him up off his feet and dragged him towards the basement. Pet whimpered but was in awe that Master was able to hold his fury in until they got to the basement. Usually, he'd just beat Pet wherever he was and make him clean up the blood from the floor and carpeting later.

"M-master, please, I-"

"Shush. You know what, hide! I'll be back in a few days. Some guys might come through, maybe a cop or two. Listen to me, you pathetic excuse for a dog." Master grabbed Pet's face roughly, fingernails digging into his cheeks. He was forcing Pet to look into his eyes, something that was rarely allowed. But it must be okay this time if Master was the one causing it.

"You have to understand.” Master said, “Do. Not. Come. Out. For. Anyone. However you need to do it, just get it through your thick skull. Don't stop hiding until I come back and say it's okay to leave, okay?" Master half-heartedly threw him to the floor, his slave more confused than he had ever been or probably ever would be. With one last disapproving glare, Master left.

Pet never saw him again.

- - -

It was true, he soon learned, that many people would be coming through the house. Pet feared he would feel lonely and bored while waiting, but there was a lot to keep his thoughts occupied and off of... other things.

First, cops searched the entire building. Pet heard them and dashed to a tiny closet in the basement, wedging a piece of wood in the handle on his side of the door. The police tried and failed to get in and even discussed cutting it open with an ax. Pet trembled, sweat dripping off his forehead while he tried to stop himself from hyperventilating.

Eventually, though, one of them protested, not wanting to do more work when they already had evidence. And so they left, making the house silent and (somewhat) stress-free once more.

Other people came and went too, talking and cursing. Most of them Pet recognized as the voices of Master's friends. He knew better than to listen to people's conversations, but they all kept mentioning drugs and pills, the type that had once been used on Pet. He remembered the experience, although things were still a little fuzzy.

It made his head hurt for days afterward, but at the moment, everything had felt so nice and peaceful for a few minutes before the blackout. When he woke up, he was covered in bruises and cuts, but it had still taken a few minutes for the relaxation to wear off and the pain to settle in.

Master had gotten very upset that his friends wasted the pills on a pet, after "everything he went through to get them." Despite already being beaten just an hour ago, Pet was punished severely for taking the pills. He had wanted to protest that the men had made him, but he knew better. The men were superior to him. They couldn't be faulted for it. So the blame must lie with Pet. It must. Master was never wrong.

In the present day, after many days of hunger and freezing nights down in the basement, Pet felt like he couldn't go on like this. No one had visited in a while. He knew what he was thinking about was bad. He knew that if Master found out what he was about to do, he'd be furious. He made it absolutely clear that his pet was not to leave the basement.

And yet, Pet finds himself sneaking up to the kitchen. He filled two bags with dog food and then, with some careful consideration, took three apples. Master never liked fruit but would still buy it; Pet was never quite sure of the reasoning behind that. And Pet had already been so bad, a few apples that would've rotted away even if Master had been there was nothing.

Pet then made his way to the living room and took several blankets and pillows. Then, noticing the mail had been delivered, he also took the newest copy of Pet Paper. Most of the articles either were boring or scared him, but they usually had fun pictures and a few games.

Carrying all of his loot and feeling surprisingly okay for a disobedient mutt who may have been abandoned, Pet made a little camp for himself in the basement. He decided to put the pillows and blankets in the closet where he had previously hidden from cops. The tiny space felt almost like his cage upstairs and he knew now that it was suitable for hiding.

Then he sat on the floor, grabbed a handful of dog food to munch on, and started reading.

Several more days passed before Pet started to get incredibly worried. He had heard the garbage truck pass by this morning. That was the second time since he had last seen Master. More than two weeks had gone by and still, no sign of where he had gone. What was previously just another anxious thought had transformed itself into a legitimate concern. Had Pet been abandoned?

Of course, it didn't make any sense. Why would Master leave everything just to get away from his pet?

But he couldn't deny that something was wrong. Even Master's friends had stopped visiting too. He didn't get it. Of course, he was so stupid, he could never understand why humans do the things they do. But he just couldn't think of any other explanation. So Master must've abandoned him.

Pet waited another week before finally deciding to leave. The dog food was running out, even after he had made several more disobedient trips upstairs. And if Pet had been thrown away, shouldn't he get out of his Master's house? Maybe Master was waiting until he left to come back to the house. Pet was probably being bad for staying there for so long. He was so selfish, not wanting to leave the comfort of the building for the scary outside world.

But he had to now. At least there would be food outside. And also cruel people, the cold, sickness, and probably death. But a bad pet like him deserved all of that, surely. He was such a rotten animal.

Pet's first steps outside were cautious and weak. He nearly stumbled from the sheer shock of it all.

He had done it. Ollie had done it. He couldn't believe this... this... this whole new world.

but it wasn't new, not really. It wasn't new at all. He just hadn't been here in a very long time, if ever.

He felt like he had stepped into a fantasy world after only hearing of it in fairytales. The outside world, the land beyond the kitchen window, was never allowed to him before. It might as well be something that only existed in legend.

- - -

Ollie sat huddled under the bridge, violently shivering. He hadn't eaten in two, maybe three days? He didn't know.

He was cold, wet, tired, and starving. He deserved all of it for leaving his Master's house. He should've accepted his fate and died there.

He was horrible.

- - -

Earlier in the day, Ollie had run away from some police. It was only because he was so small and capable of hiding that he got away. His muscles were very weak as of late, so he could've been easily caught. He'll have to be more careful next time.

But now, because of all the distance he had worked hard to put between him and the officers, Ollie had found himself in an entirely new area.

It was late at night, so restaurants had probably thrown out their leftovers already. If only he could find a place and dumpster dive for spare food.

As he wandered, he spied yet another cop. He was so frightened that he ran into the first available hiding place he saw: a bright, bustling building. He hadn't been thinking. He was so stupid. He dashed in and joined the crowds, trying to hide himself in the large group.

When someone first noticed him, in his dirty, smelly, roughed-up state with no shoes, she shrieked and backed up so fast she bumped into a man, who fell on a waiter, who spilled two glasses of wine they had been carrying.

Soon enough, everyone was in a great commotion, trying to get away from Ollie and call security.

The pet began to cry, overwhelmed and tired and hungry and not at all wanting to deal with this. He was sorry, he was, and he would do whatever they wanted to make up for it. Just please don't hand him over to the police. Please. He didn't know what they'd do to him, and he wasn't eager to find out.

The guards approached Ollie and he fled, going deeper into the crowd, until he tripped over his own feet and fell. He curled up and lay trembling on the floor, sobbing and so terrified.

He heard a bunch of people shuffle and he looked up to see the crowd part as a man walked through, headed straight for Ollie. This man didn't look like a security guard but rather was dressed in an expensive suit and had a stern, irritated expression.

When the man saw Ollie, however, his expression changed a bit. Ollie didn't know how to describe it, having never been looked at with such a visage. But it seemed less upset than the previous one, so that might be a plus? Maybe? Maybe this man won't kick Ollie as hard as he could, or won't insult him while throwing him out.

The man looked around.

"Whose pet is this?"

Of course, no one stepped forward. The man looked back at Ollie and asked if his owner was here. He shook his head.

"Are you lost?'

"Um, yeah... I-... I was abandoned, sir."

"Oh. I am very sorry to hear that. So you need a place to stay, then?"

Another nod. The man bent slightly and extended a hand. Ollie flinched away, bracing for a slap, but none came. He looked back and the hand was still there, just resting in the air. Ollie hesitated, but the man nodded encouragingly, and so Ollie took his hand and got helped up.

He whimpered as pressure was put on his ankle, then froze. He was bad.

His ankle must've been injured when he tripped, which was his fault, he shouldn't have run. And now he had the audacity to whimper?? He was so, so bad. This man would realize what a pathetic mutt he was and hurt him for it.

Glancing up fearfully, he saw that the man was indeed frowning. Ollie shrank back, hand slipping out of the man's grasp. He started shaking even harder.

"Oh dear, easy, it's alright," the man soothed. "I didn't mean to further injure your ankle by forcing you to stand. I will call a doctor for you immediately."

Did he think Ollie was upset because his ankle hurt? But.. why? Sure, the pain was intense now that he was trying to stand, but it was nothing compared to what he's been through.

"There's no need to be so concerned, sir. I'm alright. I can take it and more. I can take whatever you want me to."

The man frowned again and Ollie nearly cried.

"No, no, don't be ridiculous. I have no reason to harm you. You've done nothing wrong, dear. I don't want you to be unnecessarily hurt."

The man hesitated, then spoke again.

"That's not how I want one of my workers to be treated."

...

...what?

"What do you mean, sir?"

"I do not wish for you to be harmed, regardless of your status, but especially if you agree to work for me. You don't have a home or... employer, do you?"

"No, sir, I don't have either of those. But really, you don't have to, I'll only be a bother and a burden-"

"Nonsense. I have heard of how they train you guys. I'm sure you are wonderful. And besides, I am forgiving, I promise."

Ollie couldn't help but notice some of the crowd looked doubtful at that, which was very concerning. But at the same time, the man did not possess the same cruel glint in his eyes, the expression of deceit, the glee in waiting until the perfect moment to strike.

Of course, the man could just be better at hiding those things, or Ollie was dumber than he thought.

But what other choice did he have?

This person was offering him a lifeline, a chance at a new home and a new life. Ollie would die if he continued to be homeless. Maybe not right away, but he'd eventually catch an illness or upset someone or get caught, and then it'd be all over.

He didn't want to die.

"Okay. Of course, sir, I'd be happy to be your slave."

The man just nodded tight, and the pet was certain that he had already messed up.

But still, the man didn't do anything to him. Instead, he addressed the crowd.

"Apologies for the interruption," He announced, not sounding apologetic in the slightest. "I have urgent business to attend to with my worker, so I must leave. Enjoy the showing, it will continue until 10:30 PM as planned. My accountant will be handling any further purchases. Good night."

Then, looking back at his new slave again, Master spoke much softer.

"What is your name, dear?"

Oh god. Oh no. He knew what he was supposed to say, he knew he had to be good. He should tell the man that he can call him anything, even horrible insults, and the slave would readily accept it. He had to show his new owner that he could be good. But the man had asked. Please. The pet wanted to be allowed his name, his real name.

"Ollie, sir. My name is Ollie."

The man nodded, not seeming angry at the slave's terrible presumption that he could demand a free person use a particular name for him.

"I am Charles Durand, please to meet you, Ollie. Come with me. I'll help you to a couch to rest until the doctor arrives."

Given no other option, Ollie followed him, allowed to dangerously lean on his arm as he hobbled along.

Hopefully, this man wouldn't be too cruel to him.

— — —

Tag list: @whumpzone @whump-me-all-night-long @whumpsweetwhump @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @apples-and-whump @professional-idiocy @nicolepascaline @cowboy-anon @wolfeyedwitch @kim-poce @guachipongo @badluck990 @secretwhumplair @batfacedliar-yetagain @whumpsday @extrabitterbrain @morelikepainsley @catawhumpus @starfields08000 @mylovelyme

#Charles & Ollie #Charles Durand #Ollie #whump #pet whump #slave whump #whumpee #caretaker #pet whumpee #rich caretaker #refusing to use someone’s name #insults #perceived abandonment #abandonment #fear of punishment #self hatred #unreliable narrator #drug trafficking #drugging mention #police #starvation #escape #running away #homelessness #fear of death

[piko-power]

Without One Another

This is a follow up drabble to What Big Brothers Fear The Most, which you can read here if you need context. It's optional but it is required pfffft.

TW: Mentions of death, grief, self hatred, implied/mentions self harm thoughts, swearing

-

Tails knocked on the door three times.

Just three, small thuds with his knuckles against his brother's door.

He hate to bother him, but after what happened a couple of minutes ago, he couldn't help but check up on Sonic.

He needed to make sure he's okay.

"Sonic?" Tails called. "Can I come in?"

After a moment of silence, Tails reconsidered knocking again. But kept moving his glove free hand away from the door, really hating to bother him.

He never bothered Sonic. He knew damn well. But it's two in the morning.

He should be asleep, not knocking at his door and especially not tinkering at his workbench. At least he didn't get scolded for that.

Again.

But it was all just so sudden for Sonic the Hedgehog to say all those things, which, to be fair, was something he needed to hear since forever, out of no where.

He did mention that he had a bad dream, and that he was okay now, but that's about it.

Tails felt like there is more to it than "just a bad dream" and "I'm fine now."

He did had a feeling on what that bad dream was about now.

He knocked again. Just like last time.

"Sonic?" He called, a little bit louder this time. Loud enough for him to hear from the other side, in case the real reason why Sonic didn't respond was because he couldn't hear him the first time.

"Do you mind if I come in and talk to you?" He asked, his ears pinning slowly.

He really didn't wanna bother him.

He's not bothering him. He is not bothering him.

No response again.

...He is, isn't he?

The fox sighed a heavy sigh. A tired one, even. He shouldn't be doing this at this hour. His sleep is much better than-

...Hell no. His sleep is not at all better than his brother's well being.

"I'm coming in." Tails says, before turning the knob and opening the door.

He wasn't ready to go in when he said that, but went in anyways, because he cares.

When the door is fully open, he could see the blue hedgehog himself, sitting on the edge of his bed with an exhausted look on his face, bags under his eyes and some sleep fluttering off his eyelashes.

He flinched slightly, not expecting a bright light coming through the doorway, since he was adjusted to the dark already. "Too bright." He grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"Oops. Sorry." Tails says, before turning off the hallway lights he forgot to turn off before Sonic went to his room earlier.

"You, uh... You good, buddy?" He asked, a small weak grin rising on his muzzle, relived to see his brother looking somewhat calm, even though he's not asleep.

Though considering what happened, he doesn't blame him for not being asleep right now.

"Just wanted to check up on ya." He continued. "Got kinda worried back there." He scratched the back of his head, not sure on how to keep the conversation going.

He just wanted to talk to Sonic. To let him know that he's here.

"I'm fine." He says, turning his head to face his little brother, a clearly fake smile on his face, that did not match the tiredness in his emerald eyes.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"...Alright then."

The hedgehog let out a loud, long yawn. It went on long enough for even Tails to yawn along with him. After that, Sonic laughed for a bit.

"It's spreading!" He chuckled, despite the tired sounding tone.

Tails giggled quietly. "Oh, noooooo." He "panicked," raising his hands in "fear." He snorted another laughter.

At least they're both laughing together.

"Ah..." Sonic sighed. It felt good to laugh again. "But, yeah, I am fine, little buddy," He reassured. "Just a little tired, is all," He rubbed his right eye.

"And nothing else is wrong?"

"...Nope."

... ...

He exhaled through his stuffed up nose.

"...Just can't sleep, I guess."

Aha. There it is.

Tails knew that Sonic was hiding something from him. He is terrible at hiding things. Very terrible.

Tails walked in his room finally and approached his bed. He stood by him, not sure if he should sit next to him.

"Something on your mind?" Tails casually asked.

"Yeah."

"Mind... telling me what's wrong, then?" Tails asked softly.

"..."

He could read the discomfort from the way his eyes lowered. He knew he didn't wanna talk about it, but sometimes it's better to talk about it than bottle it up.

Sonic kept forgetting about that.

But what ever happened in Sonic's dream messed him up really bad. He's aware that is was a dream, but it was still bothering him.

Must've been terrifying if he's not asleep at the moment.

"You don't have to talk about it," Tails says. "I just want you to know that I'm here in case you do want to talk about it."

The corner of Sonic's lips quivered.

He does.

He looked up at the little kit, his smile gave up and his eyes look sad and restless. Tails frowned slightly, not enjoying seeing his buddy like this.

"It's about my nightmare," he began. "and what happened in it..."

"Okay..." Tails says, sitting down next to him, listening.

"I was fighting Metal and you were in the air fighting some Badniks," He continued. "when suddenly I was caught in an explosion. Infinite was there and... he cut my..."

He placed his hand where his throat is, not wanting to complete his sentence as for a second he remembered how painful that attack was.

Which is absurd, because he's pretty sure he weren't supposed to feel pain in dreams. But sometimes, he does, and it's pretty screwed up.

"I go down and you arrived at a pretty bad time." Sonic says. "I was bleeding out, and you... look so scared." His hands lightly grabbed on hold of the sheets, refusing to look back at the moment. Yet, he did.

Tails was listening to every word he has to say, and he looked more uncomfortable and concerned the more Sonic continued with the story.

"You were crying. You were screaming for me. And... I died right there in your arms. Leaving you all alone..."

He looked away to his right, not wanting to look at his little brother after saying that. He knew that Tails was a little frightened by those words.

And he was.

"I remember you saying something like, 'Don't leave me,' or 'I don't want to be alone.'" His ears pinned down to his head. "But I think the worst thing you said was... 'I can't live without you.'"

Tails' eyes rose.

Sonic sits up and let out a heavy, shaky sigh. He never wanted to tell him what his own brother said to him in his dream. It just doesn't make any sense. It was just a nightmare, so why would it be so stressful?

It didn't happen. It never will.

But...

When he looked back at Tails, there was worry.

Nothing but worry.

Sonic wanted to punch himself in the face so bad for doing this to his little baby brother.

"I was the only family you had, and... you lost it." He muttered out, almost sounding emotionless, yet there was a hint of grief. "You literally cannot live without me. Yet, I know you can take care of yourself, but... I've done so much for you... I never really thought about these kinds of things, but I-..."

He stopped himself, huffing out again and placing his hands on his face, his elbows supporting on his knees. "It's just pissing me off that this nightmare is scaring me this badly." His voice muffled through his hands.

"None of that happened!" He turned back at him, his voice raised. "I didn't die and you weren't saying all those... awful things. I know you would never say that, even if I did-"

"Don't say it."

A small crack in the young one's voice is all it takes to just... break his heart into two.

"You're right about me being independent, but... You have done so much for me, and you are the first person in my life who liked me, and didn't ditch me or hurt me because of my two tails." He says. "And I know I also have Amy, Knuckles, Blaze, everybody... but you... are so important to me, and you always will be, no matter how old I get."

"I know." He often forget that he'll always be important to Tails. Not just for when he's a kid. Not just for right now.

"I know almost every day, we face crazy challenges and go on wild adventures, but we also had some close calls. Like, very close calls. Times where we nearly lost you." Tails continued. "And that one time..." He paused. "...We did lose you."

Sonic exhaled again.

"I thought I could handle it. For the first couple of months. I really did. But..." He sniffled. "Going so long without the one person who will always be there for me, without the one person who changed, saved, my life, without the one person who made me happy to be me... to be alive..."

Sonic shuts his eyes tight.

"Everyone at the Resistance was there, but... you weren't. I thought, we thought, you were dead, Sonic..." He choked quietly. "We believed that for months. I believed that for months. About the third month in, I just... couldn't stand being in a picture that you weren't in."

Sonic hates himself so much right now.

"It's just not the same without my hero." He spoke up. "One night, I just ran away from the Resistance. I was all by myself. Just like my first few years. I wailed, I screamed, I wished that everything that happened around that time was all a horrible, horrible nightmare that I was having, and I would wake up, to you, comforting me, letting me know that everything is okay and that you wouldn't leave me."

You ruined everything, Sonic. The hedgehog scolded himself.

"But..." He continued. "Reflecting on myself after that night, I stood back up and fought on my own, not wanting to have another episode like that... Well, at least I tried to fight back. I can fight back, but... How could I if a part of myself was ripped out of me?"

Dark Gaia...

"I can't say that I can't live without you, but... the world would be a much cruel place without you." Tails says, tears stinging his ocean blue eyes. "If I never have met you, my life would be a living hell. Really. I would never be happy to be me if I never met someone like you. Or just, you at all. I am grateful to have met you, Sonic."

Tails exhaled, not wanting to cry. He couldn't help but shed a few tears anyways. He needed to at this point.

"I'd say that... I would react the same way if you did d- ...you know." He hated saying that word. It felt like if he did say that word, it would happen for real. Which, he knew it's not true, but still...

Sonic placed a hand on his cheek, sighing again. He felt so disappointed in himself, as a brother. If he couldn't beaten Infinite, knowing what he was capable of, then Tails wouldn't have gone through all that mess.

Good Lord, he was only a child. What is up with the universe trying to give this kid hell? He has done nothing wrong!

Why is he failing so hard?

A gross sniffle was heard from Sonic as he covered his face entirely, ready to cry again. It startled Tails.

"Sonic?" He says, reaching his hand out. "A-Are you okay-?"

"No, Tails." He barked. "I'm not okay. I suck! I suck at being there for you when you needed me the most! I knew damn well that I mean a lot to you, and if I could've just kick Infinite's- ...Grrrr!" He nearly failed to hold in his tears, but especially his resent towards himself.

He was important to everybody. But especially Tails.

And he failed to do the most important thing. Look after his baby brother.

"I knew the Eggman War was bad for you, but I didn't know it was this bad... You just didn't tell me these things and- ... ..."

A thought popped in his head. A thought that should never come up to him.

No. He wouldn't. He's too young. He fucking wouldn't.

"Sonic?"

The young voice made him snap back to reality for a brief moment. He turned his head to face him. Sonic was horrified of what he is about to ask him.

"I need you to be honest with me, Miles." He warned, never sounding so serious in his life.

"O-Okay...?"

"Tails... At any point during the Eggman War, have you ever attempted to hurt yourself...?"

" ... ...WHAT?!!"

The question gave Tails a major shock, and even a small jolt down his spine. "ARE YOU INSANE?! Why the heck would y- WHY THE- HOW COULD YOU ASK ME THAT?!" He shrieked, now off the bed and back on his feet, yelling at him.

"Those months were stressful for me, but I didn't try to- What the FUCK, Sonic!!" He sobbed.

Okay, out of ALL the swear words, he should NEVER, EVER use that word, but Sonic was so speechless and scared that he couldn't even give him that warning tone in his voice whenever he swears.

"I-I'm sorry! I was just- I was worried, and-"

"OF COURSE I didn't attempt that! God, just because I can't live without you, doesn't mean I LITERALLY can't! Wh-Why... Oh, my Gaia..." Tails covered his mouth. "I... This is my fault. I should've told you about what I was going through in the first place, but I made you assume... Oh, my Gaia, I'm so sorry, Sonic." He softly cried, crushed from the fact that Sonic was this worried about him right now.

The hedgehog loves him too much.

He hated the idea that Sonic was worried about his own brother doing... that to himself. Granted, that one night was the most stressful of them all, that he nearly thought of it, but he didn't. He refuse to think that way. That's why he kept fighting.

Cause he knew fully well that's not what Sonic wanted, alive or not.

And he was right. Sonic wouldn't want that.

If he wouldn't want that, then neither would Tails.

"No. Don't apologize. Please." Sonic stood up as well, his voice breaking. "It's not your fault-"

"Well, it's not your fault either, Sonic!" Tails croaked. "Neither of us saw it coming! Especially me!"

"I just wished you would've told me about how you were feeling- I mean, you never really told me until we were on the Starfall Islands, but-"

"I thought it wouldn't matter because everything is okay-"

"YOU THINK I'M OKAY WITH YOU HIDING ALL THIS FROM ME?" He roared, tears beginning to stream. "YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME, GOD DAMMIT! YOU MEAN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

Tails never felt terrified of his big brother's voice.

"I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!"

... ...

... ...

Tails hiccuped. Sonic panted. No words can be exchanged. Only looks.

Sad, hurt, protective looks.

The hedgehog huffed. Feeling worse than he already was. But he didn't care. All he ever cared about was his little two-tailed brother.

"You've done a lot for me, Tails." He spoke. His voice was dying out but he couldn't care less. "All my life I thought being a hero is just doing everything yourself and taking care of yourself, but I was wrong. I never realized how wrong I was until I met you."

The fox sniffled, listening to every, little word from his hero.

"Without you, I probably would never have found the Chaos Emeralds, or stop the Death Egg, or save Angel Island, or stop Perfect Chaos, any of that stuff! My life would never be the same if I never met you. In fact, I'm not even sure if I would make it out alive without you."

His voice was trembling, but for the first time in a long time, he didn't care that he was crying in front of someone.

"You made a huge impact on my life, Tails. I owe you everything. Really..." He barely showed off such a sweet smile, but he's so tired and drained from yelling and just, staying up so late, he couldn't find the energy to smile at all right now.

"I am grateful to have you as my brother. And I know I don't say this a lot, but I think about it every time I see my friends, including you... I love you. I love you til the stars twinkle their last shine" A small sob escaped when he spoke the last couple of words.

He meant every word.

"And you wanna know something? Even if, I did die, I'm not really gone, okay? I will remain with you and everyone else forever, whether I'm in person or in spirit. I will always be in your heart and I will always love you, Miles "Tails" Prower."

He held both of Tails' hands as he began to cry. The young fox cried along with him, hearing the last sentence on loop in his head.

He really meant every, single word.

The two brothers embraced in a big hug. The biggest hug they could ever give for each other. Sonic held onto Tails for dear life as he finally sobbed loud enough for even the critters from outside to hear.

Tails hiccuped and cried continuously, not wanting to let go of the one person who changed his life for the better.

For once, they both wish this hug would last forever.

They don't care if they stayed up all night, they refuse to let each other go.

They cannot live without one another.

-

Two things woke Tails up; the sounds of birds chirping outside the window, and Sonic's monstrous snoring.

He tried to open one eye, but it was all blurry and covered in sleep. "Aw, geez... Why did I cry so much...?" He jokingly asked to himself, rubbing his eyes.

He sits up and was about to get off of the bed, but Sonic's snoring startled him a bit and he turned to see him snuggling against one of his pillows.

He looks so goofy, he thought to himself.

He's happy that Sonic's finally getting some good sleep.

Tails looked around to find himself in Sonic's room. When was the last time he slept in Sonic's room?

Old habits die hard, apparently.

"Zzzzzz... n-no chili..." Tails turned his head back the moment he heard him muttered something. "ZZZzzz, no mm chili dogs, 'm full. Thk you fr askin' though, Vanilla, zzzzzz..." He slurred.

Dreaming about chili dogs. Of course he is. Tails snickered.

He looked at the time and it read 11:38. Tails was surprised on how much or the morning is left. Him and Sonic stayed up for so long, just doing nothing but crying and hugging.

Didn't sound like a lot, but it was a long night regardless.

They needed to be there for each other, and it took them this long enough to finally have a moment with each other.

And even after all this time, Tails is still Tails, and Sonic is still Sonic.

And they're still brothers.

What a time to be alive.

"Yo. Big bro." Tails poked Sonic's cheek to wake him up.

"Mmmaybe one more bite wouldn't hurt..." Sonic mumbled before nibbling on his hand.

Tails covered his mouth, quieting down his laughter. Oh, this is his morning coffee. This is entertainment.

He needed this laugh.

"Sonic, wake up. You're dreaming." He hate to ruin the moment, but he needed to wake his brother up. He didn't want him to sleep through the day.

When Sonic's eyes open, the first thing he could see was most of his hand in his mouth. His eyes rose in confusion before he sits up, getting the hand out of his mouth and spitting out in disgust.

"What the heck was I doing??" He cried. Tails was laughing so hard he almost fell off the bed.

"Tails, please don't tell me you saw the whole thing!" Sonic felt so silly. He always known he spoke in his sleep, but this is ridiculous.

"Relax, Sonic. Everyone chews on their own hand in their sleep at some point in their lives." Tails says, getting up and already heading out of the door.

"Doubt that..."

"Yet here it are."

"Shut it." Sonic kept himself from laughing.

He gets up too, putting on his chili dog themed slippers, reading to start the day. "Geez, what a night... I felt like a crybaby."

"Hey. Don't say that." Tails spoke, turning to the hedgehog. "It's okay to cry. I can tell you've been needing to let it out for some time now."

"Yeah..." Sonic said in agreement. He scratched the back of his ear, feeling bad. "Hey, I'm sorry for telling you about all that stuff. I didn't mean to bring you down like that. My nightmare was pretty messed up and-"

"Sonic. It's okay." Tails reassures with a genuine smile. "It's okay to feel and talk about certain things. I'm glad that you get to talk to me about it. Even if it was messy, we still talked it out."

"Yeah." Sonic says, smiling as well. "Thanks. For being there for me."

"I should be thanking you, dude. But, you're welcome. Anything for my big bro!"

He opened the door and walked out. "I'm getting breakfast ready! You hungry?" He called out from outside the room.

"Some waffles sound pretty good!" Sonic replied out loud.

"Okay, cool!" The kit says.

Sonic chuckled softly. He still felt silly after his and Tails' talk, but at the same time, he felt a lot better now.

He may not be used to talking about his feelings, but at least his little buddy was there to listen to him all the way through.

He truly is grateful to have a brother like Tails.

-

#sonic the hedgehog #miles tails prower #brothers #sonic fanfiction #my fanfiction #wholesome sonic and tails wednesday #tw mention of death #tw grief #tw self hatred #tw self h4rm #tw swearing #Don't worry it'll get very fluffy soon! #I'm surprised this was shorter than I thought. Probably because I'm so tired and I need sleep lmao apologies if this felt rushed... #Some AO3 fics and drabbles I came across inspired me to write the absolute brothers. #been a hot minute since I posted my writing but HEY! I'm finally kicking writer's block's ass!

[uncanny-tranny]

The biggest saving grace I feel I've done is to get into death positivity, to learn to appreciate death. It's definitely not going to help for many, but I have found that not stigmatizing my own interest and desire for death has greatly helped. Being able to interact with death not as a punishment, but as a way to express humanity has been truly what has made me feel more human. I no longer want to feel ashamed of this aspect of myself, and it's made me want to live. Death has done unto me life.

#death positive #death tw #death mention tw #suicide mention tw #ask to tag (genuine) #i have been trying to interact with more death positivity. it's helped not only my own thoughts but also grief... #...and grief is something i know intimately that i do not process and deal with 'normally' #i am CERTAINLY not saying that you should adopt these ideas for yourself but rather i am sharing what has worked for me... #...my hope is that i can help motivate others to find what works for THEM... #...to not feel SHAME over it. the shame is the enemy. the fear and self-loathing and self-hatred are the enemies... #...i used to feel so ashamed and humiliated about this aspect of me because of how... out there it was... #...but i genuinely cannot live the way the world does and i have TRIED #i don't want ANYbody EVER feeling that way. not if i can even try to help y'know? #i am really grateful to the people who have posted about death and the process because it has really been an important topic #death is nuanced and complicated and it isn't fair a lot of times - it's absolutely fair to not *like* death

[lovelesslittleloser]

People should be more afraid of asexuals, because they’re the only people that are immune to one of the seven deadly sins

#seven deadly sins #maybe they have metaphorical lust. lust for the aesthetic #asexual #we also should fear aromantics but they aren’t necessarily immune to lust so fear them for the usual reasons #pride? sometimes can be negated by self-hatred but usually shows up when you do something to be proud of. as it should #greed? you might donate your money to orphans but if anyone touches your collection of shiny trinkets their hand will be removed #envy? unless you have never met any other living beings I don’t think it’s possible to escape this one #wrath? work in public service for a week and we’ll get you wanting to fistfight god #gluttony? eating disorders are a thing; however you should definitely eat something unless you wanna die #sloth? insomnia is a thing. but you should probably sleep if you don’t want to be driven mad upon the rocks #honestly too little of the seven deadly sins is also bad. no sloth? you’re barely functioning. no gluttony? you die of starvation. #no wrath? you’ll become a doormat. no envy? you’ll never want to improve yourself. no greed? you give all your stuff away and are now poor #no pride? you don’t love yourself AT ALL. no lust? no new generation. #and frankly that last one isn’t bad in the slightest considering that much is also true for people with a same-gender significant other #(unless they are also trans and willing but that’s a them problem to have) #plus overpopulation is a thing anyway so frankly the less lust the better. #the avatar of lust has been too overworked the past few decades and and wants a damn break for once #tw eating issues #tw eating disorder #eating disorder mention #shitpost

[good-beans]

hi i'd like to know about your transfem fuuta thoughts please. if that's ok

"if that's ok" as if I haven't been rotating transfem fuuta in my mind for a long time and dying for an excuse to post something 👀👀👀 Thank you so much Ah!! I was able to format my little ideas and headcanons into an actual write-up, I just love this concept so much! All the big murderous twists in the series and I’ll never get over it is what it is...

So, as much as I enjoy headcanons about some big revelation moment, I think that Fuuta Terminally Online Kajiyama has been very aware of his identity for a while. He just never really got the motivation to do anything about it. He knows he's not completely satisfied with his gender, but isn't constantly suffering over it, so he thinks telling people/transitioning would be way too much of a hassle at that point in his life. He also struggles with people taking him seriously given his height, attitude, etc -- unconsciously he's also worried it will only make matters worse in that area.

He wouldn't dare say anything to his parents, and wants to avoid hassle with his friends. People paint them as judgy incels sometimes, but if they were really calling out ‘bad guys’ online, I always got the vibe they were those annoying type of progressives who will harass people for not being accepting in the perfect correct way, you know? They'd be outwardly supportive but there's still a level of high expectations and performance that comes with it, and so deep down Fuuta understands there'd be a "hassle," but can't really define why.

I mentioned in another hc post that Fuuta and his sister have a silent supportive relationship. I feel like she's the one person in his life who knows everything and is super accepting -- this is understood even though neither have said anything out loud. (When he was younger, she definitely forced him into skirts, dresses, and accessories "to check something for her beautician work.") She's noticed all the times he's picked a female avatar in games, or cosplayed in ambiguous outfits.

Then, Milgram. Thinking his life will be over soon anyway, he opens up to a few of the prisoners about himself. Their unexpected openness keeps it on his mind more often than before. Still, nothing changes. Through some rocky verdicts, he's declared innocent and released.

Back in the real world, he's pretty fucked up from the whole ordeal, and starts off extremely isolated. He's in touch with his family, but distant. He maintains contact with some of the other released prisoners, but it starts off only over the phone. He changes schools or maybe drops out completely. Having deleted all online accounts after the incident, he gets to work setting up a new online presence. He was planning on using an alias anyways, and goes with something gender neutral. "To be extra safe that no one guesses it's me," he tells himself.

Letting his hair grow out begins as an accident -- just a side effect of never going out or minding his appearance. One day he realizes how long he's let it go and grabs some scissors to cut it. He makes a comment in his chat, and someone begs him to send a picture first. He goes to take it, but is suddenly disgusted and ashamed of his self-neglect. He's forced to make himself selfie presentable first: brushing his hair and throwing on something clean real quick. When he goes to take the picture, he realizes it looks good. It feels good. He puts the scissors away.

Soon, the prisoners/some new online friends coax Fuuta to hang out more. That's when she decides to reintroduce herself into society as someone new. She ventures out with the name of a favorite video game character. (I'm going to continue saying Fuuta because I genuinely can't name a single popular character from games she'd play, but just picture the most painfully obvious one you can. The kind you hear and go "oh okay. You play X too much, huh." And please send me your thoughts so I can work them into my own personal canon 👀) 

She doesn't have any hatred towards her deadname, it's more the pain of association: she remembers it said accusingly from the mouths of ex-friends. She remembers that name being called a murderer. She's not trying to deny/run from that past, she just wants to be someone better. Well, some days it is her way of running away, but most of the time it's a healthy separation from the past.

Encouraged by the positive reception and abundance of privacy in her isolation, she finally starts to explore her appearance more. Mikoto left behind some earrings during a visit -- she pierces her ears herself and tries them on. (If she doesn't like them, the holes will just heal, right? She's not weak, she can take a little pain...) Yuno/Mahiru stayed over once, and left a bit of makeup in the bathroom. She tries that on too. With a beautician in the family, this self-styling comes very easily. Fuuta's cowardly tendencies have her torn between embarrassment and her typical 'fuck you' attitude that she can do whatever she wants.

You know when you solve a tiny problem and suddenly you're smacked with how much of a huge problem it actually was? Fuuta never believed she had any issues before, but all of the sudden she's happier. Every day is easier. She has more friends. True friends. She does better with school/work. Her personality is still fiery, but it's more passion than irritability now. Self-hatred she didn't recognize starts melting away. She smiles more. She laughs more. She has plans for her future. She's excited about her future. 

(Shameless art plug hehe, before I had the timeline nailed down I did a little drawing of that selfie Fuuta takes when she realizes she's satisfied with this appearance, and now has newfound motivation to move forward in life.)

Over time she experiments with other elements of transitioning, and maybe changes her name to something a bit more subtle lol.

Unfortunately, I don't think it would go over well with her parents, but she never much cared for their opinions, anyway. One day a bit in the future, she bumps into her old friends in the street. Once recovering from panic, she's pleasantly surprised that they don't recognize her. Fuuta thought her appearance/fashion wasn't that different, but to fair, the friends figured they'd remember a stunning redhead with a very noticeable eye injury if they'd met before...

And just a few quick prisoner reactions (because in my heart they're all making it out ;--;):

Yuno has similar relationship as Fuuta's sister, offering immense help without unnecessary words. She's Fuuta’s go-to contact for trying new things and asking questions. 

When Mahiru first finds out, she goes a bit overboard with a makeover attempt. She and Muu provide their most frilly, glimmering outfits. They paint her nails and do makeup. They style her hair. This obviously turns out to be way too much, earning them a Fuuta-typical rant. Still, she's secretly moved by their enthusiasm and kindness. 

After that, designer Mikoto tries his hand at helping. Fuuta had been really worried the two of them would lose their guys nights out and relaxed friendship, but their relationship never changes.

Shidou is very accepting and very awkward. He's trying!! He gets excited, sending her all this information and help for medically transitioning.

Fuuta invites Kazui to their first pride parade <3

Though there's no return address on the package, Fuuta receives a gift of miscellaneous earrings and piercings in the mail with a note that they'd suit her well…

#milgram #fuuta kajiyama #and the others briefly #(i never know how to write pre and post transition pronouns so i just switch when she does) #thank youuuuu ive literally wanted to post something but wasnt sure if it was silly or anyone would care ;-; so this made me sooo excited #fuuta my beloved!! #it is what it is my beloved!! #i just want that for her so bad!! #its funny because i know thats not what yamanaka intended and still it fits So Well: #theres so much attention on her self perception - fear of how others perceive her - the self hatred - the layered clothes #OUGH #haruka amane and es are supportive as well i just couldnt think of specifics #jackalope isnt -_- #i say fuuta and kazui went to pride together but i mean practically all the other prisoners are there too sadfds #its just the biggest deal to them #another art mention -- @sequoiareachesforthesky drew her the other day and ive been Looking Hoo Boy 👁️👁️ #im a little obsessed with it asdfsdfd #i was supposed to finish my next drabble before formatting all this but shhh i wont tell if you dont #im just stuck on some simple dialogue but this was flowin lol #i dont know other peoples thoughts on her but i hope you enjoy :3 #and yeah i live under a rock and know 0 gamer names -- please tell me lol #rose posts

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

Feel free to ignore I’m just continuing to vent about CRWBY beneath the cut. Tw suicide mention.

What absolutely kills me about how CRWBY has been treating suicide every time is just how callous and thoughtless it is. It’s clear none of the writers involved in writing those scenes have ever hit a low point where they feel worthless and useless. They’ve never wondered if maybe the world is better without them, that they’re a no good useless waste of space that can never get anything right. That their “friends” won’t care if they’re gone. They’ve never wondered if theirs any point in trying because they’re nothing but a failure so they’ll fail anyways so why bother. They’ve never wondered if they’re worthless. Or why no matter how hard they try it’s never good enough. Because if they ever have been in a place like that they wouldn’t write these scenes or make the jokes they make because they’d get it.

#rwde #tw suicide #tw suicide mention #tw self hatred

[total-drama-brainrot]

my total drama oc is a reversal of the show's pre-established "villain" archetype.

right off the bat, they're just the worst person; outright antagonistic towards everyone and constantly causing conflict amidst the cast, openly orchestrating people's eliminations, blatantly cheating but in such a way that technically they're not breaking any rules- without disguising themself behind a mask of geniality (like alejandro, heather and julia did).

and they're kept around well into the competition because their villainy? it's ratings gold. people love a good antagonist, especially one that's so productive. the audience loves to hate them, or hates that they love them, and everyone is gunning for their downfall- which only becomes more and more tempting with every elimination.

plus, chris is more than happy to enable them so long as they keep things interesting.

interestingly enough, they never seem to use the confessional. or at least, none of their confessions are aired. well, that's not exactly true. one confession is aired, and it's them boasting to the audience that they wouldn't understand the inner machinations of their mind, and that they don't deserve to hear their thoughts.

consequently, the audience has no idea what they're thinking at any given time, only seeing glimpses of their schemes throughout the episode until everything comes to fruition- like a puzzle finally being completed. it's a smart move for the network, because it means the audience gets to watch their plans play out in 'real time' without their insight/foreknowledge, making it just as impactful to the viewers as it is to the competitors. it helps with immersion, which is a boon for the ratings!

until their elimination, wherein their confessions are played out on the big screen, and it's heartbreaking.

they explain, in their first confession, that they were accosted by chris at the beginning of the competition to act as the main antagonistic force for the show, and that he's turn a blind eye to their antics so long as they kept the viewers watching, even paying them a decent salary if their act was good enough. because they're smart- smart enough to play the rest of the cast like a fiddle if they wanted to, and chris wants them to.

what a great deal, right? being given blanket permission to be as conniving as possible, and a pay check to boot- who wouldn't take the opportunity?

and they round it out by "getting into character" on camera, sneering haughtily at the lens and- you guessed it- boasting to the audience that they wouldn't understand the inner machinations of their mind, before giggling dorkily at the silliness of their statement, commenting that it'd we way too obvious they were faking if they acted that snooty. they're a theatre kid at heart, so the idea of "playing the villain" is exciting! it's going to be so fun!

but their second confession is sombre. they're visibly tired, wiping away at the concealer under their eyes to reveal some heavy bags, and they're curled up into a pitiful ball in front of the camera. they divulge that the pressure to constantly live up to the shows expectations of antagonism is crushing, and their status as a social pariah is more draining than they'd care to admit, and that- despite the apparent glee they've been committing these acts of villainy with- being so outwardly morally corrupt has left them with a constant churning of guilt in their gut. they only agreed to be the "bad guy" for the money, which would help their family's financial situation tremendously, but they're growing increasingly uncertain if the reward justifies the risks.

by the third confession, they're actively sickened by their actions, eventually devolving from airing their frustrations, lamenting their choice to method act as such an awful person, to throwing up into the confessional's toilet as they hold back guilt-leaden tears and repeat a mantra of "i'm sorry, i'm sorry,". they're drowning in the murky waters of their persona, and backing out now would only lead to more scrutiny and suspicion from the people who were supposed to be their friends, and they know they'd deserve the mistrust. plus, backtracking from their deal with chris would jeopardise everything- from the dirty money they've earned from their antagonism to their place in the competition itself; they'd be voted out in a heartbeat without the network's safety blanket of plot armour!

they don't know what to do. they barely even know who they are anymore.

and then the camera's focus cuts to the real-time them, who's sat ashen-faced and deathly still as their weakest moments are broadcast, not only to the people who rightfully hate them, but to the whole world.

#we've seen “charming persona villainous person” now get ready for “villainous persona poor little meow meow person” #it's like alejandro and julia's 'character arcs' but backwards. kind of. #instead of going from fake-nice to real-mean. they go from fake-mean to real-depressed. oops. #i think it's unrealistic to expect a ~16 year old to be some mastermind villain without it having some mental health consequences #plus being outright encouraged to be an awful person would be so so bad for anyone's sense of morality. not to mention the self-loathing-- #that's stems from both KNOWING you're a bad person and being ostracised by your peers because of such. #yet having no idea how to change for the better without putting everything you've worked for (everything you've suffered for) at risk #what i'm trying to say is. my total drama oc needs therapy and maybe a hug #it's giving kokichi ouma but with less self-sacrifice and more angst/self hatred #it'd be totally in character for chris to pay off the series' antagonist in a bid for more drama btw. don't even act like i'm wrong. #(it's happened in canon before with owen's mole arc in action!) #though ig this type of character wouldn't appear in a cartoon aimed at kids/tweens. #unless they're trying to teach their target audiences morality/the consequences of being a bad person? 🤔 #anyway- #total drama oc #ophe rambling #character analysis #sort of? more like character outline #love me some sympathetic villains!! #long post #feel free to ignore #is this too angsty for a total drama oc? idk 🥶

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Eclipse: My immense self hatred vs my delusional god complex.

#sun and moon show #sams #five nights at freddy's #fnaf #fnaf eclipse #incorrect sun and moon show quotes #incorrect sams quotes #incorrect fnaf quotes #incorrect quotes #source: twitter #aka my missing midnight post #from september 5th #tw self hatred mention

[doctor-loboto]

okay guys grab some s’mores ingredients and turn up the burner because a disabled person is going to get all weird and serious about fandom stuff

Loboto is kind of a deconstruction of the “absent-minded professor” archetype (which is thematically appropriate because all the inmates pretty much fit the mold of “one-dimensional and kind of ableist joke on the surface, actual person on the inside”). Some people think of Loboto as an outlier in the cast who doesn’t portray a person with a specific diagnosis, although this is a less common opinion after Rhombus of Ruin. The Psychonauts series is, on rare occasion, criticized for its exaggerated and unrealistic portrayal of mental illness. I feel that this is because its cartoonish imagery and tone tends to take center stage and the realistic portrayals of mental health struggles, especially in secondary characters, can be more subtle and hard to detect, usually only being picked up on by people with similar experiences.

So this brings us to Loboto’s psychosis/trauma/brain injury (depending on what you personally emphasize in your headcanon, probably a healthy mix of all of three in canon) symptoms. The most obvious ones are excessive anger/irritability and a hyperfixation on teeth that may involve delusions about the role of teeth in the body. But if you look at his dialogue and behavior, you’ll also notice that he seems to have a lot of issues with his memory and situational awareness.

For example, his introductory scene in PN1 where he pauses and asks Dogen why he’s screaming. I’ve brought this up before and explained that I think he honestly forgot for a second what he was doing and why his patient was making so much noise before looking at the evidence around him and remembering. I have memory problems and schizophrenia-related confusion and I’ve forgotten what time of day or year it is, whose house I’m in, why I’m holding a pencil, etc. Loboto may have a lot of trouble keeping information straight, which could be very inconvenient or even dangerous for him considering that he lives largely outside of society and engages in sketchy activity.

In fact, the state of his memory may be the only reason Truman’s brain was able to be recovered. This also could have made Gristol very hostile to Caligosto once he realized the man he chose to carry out his plan could barely remember the instructions clearly. Antipsychotics in particular can make it hard to hold even the shortest amount of information in your head; his brain could have been further damaged by years of overmedication with primitive drugs in Thorney Towers. It’s also interesting that when Loboto is shown trying to remember in the opening level of PN2, he gets frustrated and actually directs his abusive anger towards himself. This leads me to believe that he has self esteem issues regarding his memory and maybe secretly thinks of himself as having a “bad brain”. Caligosto places a lot of importance on his intelligence and scientific accomplishments (“I’m the dentist of the century!”) because it’s one of the few objective things he has to hold onto about his identity that makes him feel good about himself.

If you look at the bigger picture, Loboto isn’t just a villain with a traumatic past, he’s a disadvantaged disabled person who is surviving in the only place that he’s allowed to exist without being medically subjugated, and even that is challenging because of the way his mind works. He’s angry at the Psychonauts for “kidnapping” him and feels that they’re intentionally hurting him and taking away his lifestyle (sidenote: you could read that memory vault as “Loboto is so confident and self-centered that he thinks the Psychonauts are just being mean to him” but it could also be seen as “Loboto sees everyone as a cartoon bully and assumes they want to hurt him because so many authority figures in his life have hurt him and that’s what he expects”) when they actually most likely saved his life because he otherwise would have died prematurely in a lab accident or been killed by an angry client for fucking up.

#caligosto loboto #psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #doctor loboto #psychonauts headcanon #tw abuse #tw self hatred #tw violence #tw death mention #long post