#self isolation leaving me alone with my gay thoughts

[lettucedloophole]

i never considered sex also being a social construct, and when you pointed that out, (ESP W THE USE OF DWORKINS QUOTE OMFG) it literally blew my mind, including the fact we don’t know what a society looks like outside of patriarchy. i’m having some trouble tho w homosexuality as a social construct. did you mean that in a way where the term and idea of homosexuality is a social construct bc all love is the same, and shouldn’t be classified as such bc of the fact we think its “different”?

also totally unrelated to the specific topic but still on the basis of radical feminism, how do you keep pushing? lately i’ve been feeling like its so hopeless bc i hardly see any significant change happening in the western world, one of the biggest examples is like how u said everyone wants to defend the status quo, and that contributes to my feelings of “im only one person i cant change it all by myself in my community and inspire others to do the same so i should just give up”. i know i won’t really be able to go back to how blissfully ignorant i once was :’) and that’s probably what keeps me from leaving rad feminism bc there’s just so much truth in it and i know i’d rather me and every other human in the world be liberated than give in and live a life with even more misery but there’s still times where i have those thoughts of complying and it just sucks. i gave up my skincare routine (now its just cleanser and moisturizer & the occasional sunscreen if might be out in the sun), makeup, fashion marketed towards women, porn, FANFICTION 😭, crushing on men, dating men, and even being friends w men. i didn’t give up my libido but it disappeared on its own bc of everything i continue to learn. i realize how deep misogyny is in our society and culture and just want to isolate myself from everyone. I CANT RUN FROM IT NO MATGER WHAT THO……💔

for homosexuality as a social construct; kind of. if sex is a social construct (i.e., the categories of male & female don't exist outside of society), it follows that sexuality is as well-- especially because the social construct of women & man are packaged with expectations of submission (to man), pregnancy, confinement to the home, and domination (of women), all but the last trait for women. in patriarchal mythos the class of people defined as "women" are supposed to be heterosexual, and the same goes for men.

the only context which heterosexuality exists in is under patriarchy, so it's impossible to untangle from bioessentialistic complementarianism. similarly, homosexuality is also a construct of patriarchy, albeit a positive subversion / defiance of the heterosexual structure of relationships. but when sex is eventually abolished, and men + women no longer exist, current classifications of sexuality will disintegrate with them. instead of 'man attracted to woman' or 'women attracted to other women', we will just have people liking people, & relationships formerly regarded as homosexual will no longer suffer a stigma compared to heterosexual ones.

if we argue that people are just "born" as heterosexual or gay without investigating what in society makes hetero or homosexuality so appealing or alien & disturbing (the patriarchy), we concede that homosexuals are naturally unnatural (in that, so little of the world is bisexual or gay or asexual under patriarchy, and this is not because of patriarchy, but "nature". therefore, the order of patriarchy is made acceptable through naturalization.)

-

ANYWAYS, onto your more important question... resisting mental domination, as bell hooks put it. unfortunately this is the hardest thing to answer as i myself haven't even gotten it down yet :') i relate to what you're saying so much, and a lot of other radfems do, so know that you're not alone even if it feels that way.

if i could talk to myself when i first Rad(fem)icalized, i would say... don't be too hard on yourself. we're all suffering from a lifetime of gendered socialization which basically amounts to self harm for women 💀 i went Ham with the radfem stuffs, giving up makeup & sexualized fashion & shaving, and it was relatively easy for me since i was already quite gnc & angry lol, but.

while i think it's good to give up much of that stuff, the world's not gonna explode if you struggle or give yourself some exceptions. don't let up on anything that gets in the way of your personal/political liberation, at least not for a long time, but. don't let people online jerk you around or make you feel like you're a bimbo for wearing makeup or whatever. some internet terfs can be reallyyy misogynistic if you adhere to gender roles or. don't hate trans people.

when you feel angry, don't turn it inward. it's something women & gender minorities do way too much. if you're not comfortable expressing it, though i think expressing it "unhealthily' (screaming at someone, breaking a plate) is better than pointing it at yourself, find a healthy and / or productive way to release it. we are trying to avoid this aspect of female socialization ↓

it's also mega important to remember that... it's easy to think men don't understand the patriarchy, but they do. the thing is, though, they don't give women grace for struggling with sexist socialization and use it as "proof" that women are actually inferior. women who are aware of the patriarchy but have no faith in other women do this as well. have faith in other women. have faith in trans people. have faith in gay & bi people. their liberation is tantamount to your own. and i don't mean individual gender minorities who are assholes... just don't let those assholes make you lose faith in these groups as a whole.

honestly i feel like there's a lot more i could say but idk, don't want to bury you in words lol. feel free to send more asks or message me if there's anything i can elaborate on or help you with! or even if you just need someone to talk to. much love, anon :') 🫶

#radical feminism #trans inclusive radical feminism #tirf #trans inclusive radfem #ex-terf #ex terf #anti prostitution #anti sex trade #anti sex work #asks

[count-von-kit]

Reading up on strong bonds between the FOB lads really hits home for me. In that sense where I'm really glad they have such a strong connection for each other, but also in a melancholy and even slightly envious way that reminds me of how I lost such a thing myself. Multiple times. And it leads me to wonder (doubt) if it was me, or even if I can ever reestablish a bond like that - where I can just be gay with my best friend, fuck around and have a great time out in the wilds while making memories, and we all still have our own lives about us.

I had it in high school, but then everyone drifted away and carried on with navigating their own lives (you know. college, young parents, moving far away, ect). I had it again during my early (20s) college years with my guild back during the Ragnarok Online days - that is to say until over half of them turned out to be blatantly transphobic (FB was great for showing someone's true colors)... Then I kind of lost it, and that part of myself.

And I drifted.

I had no compass, no map.

And I felt lost.

Then I was found yet again though it was short lived. The difference this time was that they wouldn't leave and we still keep in touch, but sometimes there is almost no connection. It feels barren at times. Kind of like when your tears dry on dark surfaces and leave behind the salt or whatever.

Maybe I'm just too far gone at this point for it to even matter.

Even in the now with people who value and respect me for who I am I still feel like I'm missing that connection I long for. I still feel isolated even when I feel included. I still feel like I'm drowning in knowing that there is a piece of me that's missing. How long has it been missing for exactly? Maybe I dropped something I had at one point or another within this last year, or maybe I got lost in the crowd at life's amusement park. It makes me head hurt, and my chest tight. I can't figure it out, and I can't keep my own thoughts straight let alone coherent. Even if I laugh or smile it all feels so temporary, like I'm constantly having to replace used gears inside myself.

I wonder just how far I've really fallen.

It feels like no matter how much self-reflection I do, and no matter how self-aware I can be made of certain things, that I can never figure it out. The time has already passed me by. I was lucky to have made it to 30, but in the grand scheme of things what has it really left me with? Most of my life has felt like I've just been sitting around, waiting for that connection to be reestablished. That shoulder I can physically lean on, those tight hugs that make you remember the now in reality, being lead by the hand so as not to get lost. Hell, even those time at conventions when I used to get thrown over someone's shoulder while in mid-conversation and carried away. I miss having all of that.

Maybe I'm just touch-starved in all of this.

Maybe that's the connection I'm missing. I'm not sure anymore.

I wish my cards had been dealt a little differently in this lifetime.

#alex's late night thoughts

[my-darling-boy]

No male WWI pinups exist yet so my gay ass decided to change that at 1 AM and I ended up looking like a propaganda poster with homoerotic undertones so

#no I did not draw that it’s one of those filters #self isolation leaving me alone with my gay thoughts #my lighting was horrid but the energy is all there #just balancing on my chair #me #wwi

[coalitiongirl]

Fic Recs (under 300 edition)

So I wanted to get back to reading Swan Queen fic regularly, and I asked people to rec longfic that they'd read (not written) and loved that had fewer than 300 kudos! I haven’t read most of these, but I’ve collected them here so y’all can go through the list and discover some new fics with me! Please try to kudos and review every fic that you read! It means the world to the writers and will keep em writing, and then we all win. 😁

Atonement by SgtMac (M): With Regina's magical heart failing thanks to years of previous evil, Emma and Regina and Henry (and Granny!) set out to save her life by traveling to the Enchanted Forest and requesting help from ancient magical beings known as the Guardians. Given a mission as simple as it is impossible - to achieve atonement by creating peace - the ladies find themselves joining a rebellion and fighting for the very soul of the Enchanted Forest all while trying to help Regina to understand that the self-loathing and guilt which have driven most of her actions don't have to doom her chance for a new beginning or even, a chance to live and love again. A S4(ish) SQ love story set against the turmoil of war and the chaotic savagery of the old world.

Blood and Sand by cheshire6845 (E): A/U The Savior is a slave forced into the role of fighting as a gladiator for the House of Hearts. The odds are against her survival as she will have to win in the arena, navigate Cora's schemes, outlast a general's vengeance, and not be killed out of spite by the current House of Hearts Champion - Regina the Undefeated. This story follows the major plot points of Starz Spartacus with some twists along the way.

But what if there was no time by KizuRai (M): When she wakes up, it's dark. She can't move, she can't see, she can't feel and she can't hear. Where am I? She feels a forceful oppression, pressing her down, draining her of her energy and she's powerless to stop it. How did I get here? The question of here is relative, she's not even sure where here is. What happened? There must be some reason for being stuck here but her memory is fuzzy, like all her thoughts are being sifted through a filter. Who am I? She's not sure if she actually exists or she suddenly became sentient in the darkness.She hears a voice reverberating in the distance, it's distorted and quiet but she hears it all the same. It breaks the monotony of the silence. Someone's coming for her, they will get her out. She's just not sure she wants them to as the price might be too great.

Finding Home by evl_rgl (T): “I wanted to remember you so badly that I pulled back your cursed town just so that the memories would make sense. I needed you so badly that even when I had no memory of you, I still tried to find you.” Regina gave Emma and Henry memories of a happy life together before they fled Pan’s curse, leaving them with no memories of their lives in Storybrooke. However, when the memory spell shows signs of failing, threatening to rip apart the minds of both Emma and Henry, Regina makes a drastic choice to go back and fix it, understanding that it will mean living alone in a world where her son doesn’t know her. Was the spell really faulty, though? (swanqueen)

Five Flames by MariaComet (U): In the past, Emma Nolan disconnected from her peers in high school, preferring to keep to herself. In her sophomore year of high school, she decided to try and join the boy’s wrestling team because she was bored. She didn’t expect herself to become the champion of the most bullied kid in school or the secret best friend of the school queen. She also didn’t expect to join a club that would change her life. In the present, Emma is trying to cope with a humiliating loss in her martial arts career. She claims to be “training” but is stuck in limbo between wanting to retire and try again. She is isolated from her former best friend, Regina Mills, a local celebrity chef and the rest of her old friends. When one of them calls her with an idea to honor their deceased teacher, she is confronted with unresolved feelings and questions about how powerful love truly is.

A Glamour of Truth by PrincessCharming (T): After 2x10, Regina uses magic to show Emma the obvious truth. A tentative trust forms between them amid hilarious bickering. With Emma's help, Regina struggles to regain a place in her son's life... until Cora arrives, wanting her daughter back. Pieces of Regina's past emerge showing that the board was set long before the game started. The final battle begins soon.

His Dark Materials 'verse by MoonlitMidnight (M): A modern Alternate Universe in which Dæmons (the external physical manifestation of a person's 'inner self' that takes the form of an animal) are present. In which Emma and Regina have led slightly different lives and they make slightly different choices.

How Many Miles to Avalon? (WIP) by RavenOutlander (E): Regina would do anything to save Emma from the darkness and bring her back home safe and sound. Even put up with the two idiots, Captain Guyliner and a bunch of dwarves she decidedly wanted to drop off at the nearest exit. But in their search for Emma, they find that she might not need that much saving after all. Caught up in a search for the infamous Philosopher Stone, an all out war between DunBroch and Camelot, and ghosts from the past to haunt her every waking moment, Regina finds herself scrambling to keep her and her family's happy endings from falling apart.

The Hyperion by FrankenSpine (M): After wishing upon what she believes is a shooting star, Emma Swan finds herself aboard the Hyperion, the royal starship of an alien Queen from a faraway galaxy. She quickly learns of the tensions between the Queen's people and her own, but the Queen takes an interest in her and agrees to take her away from Earth forever. Adventure awaits. *(Loosely based on Guardians of the Galaxy with just a hint of Farscape)*

If Wishes Came True (It Would've Been You) by Angeii_K (M): After Regina films a guest appearance on her friend Neal’s popular show, he invites her to spend the weekend with him and his girlfriend. What she never expected was to actually like the woman. Sparks fly between the two, which results in them questioning everything and making choices they will later regret. 4 years later, they meet again in the most unexpected of ways. Now co-stars on the same show, they are forced to work through the emotions from their last encounter. What will happen next? Only time will tell.

The King Doesn’t Have To Know (WIP) by highheelsandchocolate (M): The White Knight had never seen anyone like her before: the Queen was nothing short of mesmerizing. Her possessive yet neglectful husband, however, was another thing entirely.

The Lich by Dangereaux (M): Gay disaster Emma, exasperated Regina, and a monster. A Halloween special.

Maybe if We Close Our Eyes we Can Reach the Stars by wellthizizdeprezzing (T): Emma is a lonely astronaut. Regina is an adventuring alien. Their paths cross leading them onto a journey of new discovery. Between galaxies and many miles of cold black space, despite not speaking the same language, they manage to fall for each other. An out of this world love story.

A prisoner long forgotten by sugarsweet_19 (M): ‘I wish I had a child as white as snow, as red as blood and as black as the wood of the window-frame. Soon after she had a little girl, who was as white as snow, with lips as red as blood and with her hair as black as the ebony of the window-frame. She was therefore called Snow-white.” This is how our story starts but how will it end?The evil queen as been locked up in a tower and forgotten that is until princess Emma looks for a place to hid from her parents after they tell her she has to marry Neal the son of the dark one.

Revenge of the Three Little Pigs by mskyo (M): Regina and Emma find themselves alone and looking for the rest of their party. The Evil Queen must face the consequences of her past actions. Will Emma come to her aid, or understand that justice must be served... *Some chapters have fairly graphic sex, and violence*

Things I Almost Remember by cheshire6845 (T): A/U Despite an oncoming war between the Dark and the Light, Emma and Regina are best friends growing up in the Enchanted Forest. When war does come, they find themselves on opposite sides. Regina will have to defy her mother to save Emma. Will Emma be able to save Regina when Cora curses her daughter to live in the Land without Magic?

What We Make (WIP) by DiazTuna (M): “My mother.” He says calmly. He’d known all along, she’s aware. But he’d known that today would be the day that would get this going. She wants to ask what it was like, to have woken up this morning, laced up his boots and walked into hell just knowing. “It’s programmed the cyborg to kill her. Before I have a chance to be born.” -In which the leader of the future sends his best soldier back to the past to save his mother from a killer cyborg. Terminator AU.

The Wrong Way by pcworth (M): Takes place right after Zelena steals Regina's heart. Zelena offers Regina a chance to go back in time with her and change both of their lives for the better. But what will be the price of that decision. Slow-burn to SwanQueen

zombie trash by 13pens (T): Zelena could have her brain and eat it, too. Fic operates on three premises 1. this takes place in any universe where zelena is a reformed asshole 2. zombies are a thing and exist iZombie style 3. i have NO chill

#swan queen #fic rec #ouat

[voiceless-terror]

Recognition

@aspecarchivesweek Day Five: Something New

Jonathan Sims/Martin Blackwood, Season One

In which Jon and Martin are more alike than they thought.

Jon, in spite of himself, was starting to get used to Martin living in the Archives.

Offering him shelter had been almost instinctual- after listening to his story, who wouldn’t? Terrorized for almost two weeks and no one, no one noticed. There was also the matter of Jon’s guilt; Martin thought he needed to put himself in danger to be thorough, to please Jon, and now he was homeless. Jon owed him this at the very least. No matter how much Elias disapproved of the situation.

And despite the occasional trouser-less wanderings, his presence was...appreciated. Late nights in the Archives were wearing him down: the statements were getting to him, and the unshakeable feeling of being watched when he knew he was alone was putting him on edge. Now he can blame that feeling on Martin, who he’d caught staring on more than one occasion. Jon was not surprised; he hadn’t been looking or feeling his best, highly unprofessional with his three-day stubble and rumpled clothes. Not a good look.

He’d be lying to himself if he didn’t enjoy the cup of tea when Martin joined him in his worst bouts of insomnia. He would sit on the tiny couch in his office, nursing his own mug and chattering away in a low tone that Jon was starting to find soothing instead of irritating. At first Jon clammed up, uncomfortable with the sudden intrusion on his late night routine, but he soon found Martin didn’t expect him to respond or contribute, save the occasional grunt of acknowledgement. Sometimes Jon even craved the company, the familiar rhythms of Martin’s voice had become an unconscious comfort. 

Tonight he was looking particularly exhausted, slumped in his seat with deep purple bags under his eyes. It sent an unwelcome pang through Jon’s chest; Martin should be sleeping, not entertaining him because he chose to stay late. He said as much.

“You don’t have to stay up on my part.”

“Hm?” Martin looked up from his lap, eyes finding Jon’s. “Oh, no. It’s fine. I like the company, to be honest. Unless…?”

“I don’t mind,” Jon assured him. Shockingly, he found he meant it. Still, it didn’t ease his guilt. Martin was always here, never leaving the Archives for more than an hour to get food or other necessities. He considered his next words. “That being said, I hope you know you’re allowed to have a life outside of the institute. I won’t judge if you want to have a...late night, or go out. It’s not my business what you do in your free time.”

Martin squinted his eyes as if he didn’t understand the words Jon spoke. Christ, do I really seem that out of touch? He knew he could be severe and well, a bit of an ass at times. The stress of the job got to him more than he cared to admit. But he didn’t want his assistants to think they should follow his example. He was Head Archivist, it fell on his shoulders to get this place in some semblance of order. 

“I’m not really one for nights out, Jon,” Martin gave that familiar, self-deprecating laugh as he leaned back in his chair, an almost defeated-like set to his shoulders. “Well, besides the occasional drink with Tim and Sasha. And even those are sort of...I don’t know. They have their own thing going, and I feel like-”

“A bit of an outsider,” Jon provided before he could activate his ‘word to mouth’ filter. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply-”

“No,” Martin cut him off. “You’re right. Feels like I’m intruding.”

“Their banter can be overwhelming for the, ah, uninitiated.” On the few times he’d gone out with them in research, he’d felt more lonely than included. His awkward attempts at interjecting could make a conversation fall flat and he felt the need to accept every drink they handed in him the hopes of ‘loosening up.’ It never worked. They were never mean about it, no- or at least had the decency not to do it in his presence. 

“Tell me about it.” Martin gave Jon a tiny little smirk that sent his heart stuttering in his chest for no particular reason. “I’m used to it, is all. This isn’t much of a change in routine, worms notwithstanding.”

“You, er, don’t have friends you can meet up with? Or maybe a partner?” Christ, why am I prying? What’s gotten into me? Jon felt curious, the man practically lived with him and yet he barely knew him.

The bark of laughter he got in reply was sudden and more than self-deprecating. “A partner? Are you kidding me?” Martin’s tone threw him off-balance; it was jaded, bitter, not like him at all.

“I didn’t mean to pry-”

“No, it’s- to be frank, I don’t think I’m cut out for all that.” Martin toyed with the mug in his hands, gazing into it like it held the answers he needed. “I’ve uh, tried to go on a few dates, meet people, that sort of thing. But they all expect something at the end and it just never feels right, I can’t explain it. Like there’s something missing. ”

Jon paused; the words and their sentiment were not unfamiliar to him. In fact, they resonated quite deeply, if Martin meant what Jon thought he did.

“It’s always been that way- I get a crush, I get to know them, they want to, y’know, and I-I don’t know what's wrong with me, but I can’t-” He cut himself off, sitting up straighter as if suddenly remembering where he was and who he was talking to. “God, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this-”

“It’s fine.” And it was. Martin looked at his hands and Jon recognized the sadness in the set of his shoulders, the lines etched in his face. He never thought the two of them would have much in common but that- that was a feeling Jon knew all too well. “I think I understand what you’re getting at.”

Martin somehow managed to deflate even further, curling up as if trying to disappear. “Yeah, well- I think it’s time to admit that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.”

The words hit Jon harder than expected. His fists tightened in his lap; he was sixteen again, wondering why the kiss he stole in a backroom felt more invasive than intimate. He was reading romance novels, understanding the words but not the feelings they were supposed to invoke. He was in college, being called a ‘tease’ or a ‘prude’ when he pulled away at the end of the night. And it was all accompanied by that deep, crushing fear that he’d never be enough. 

No, you’re not that kid anymore. 

And Martin shouldn’t have to be either.

“What’s that look for?”

He was drawn from his thoughts at Martin’s words, looking up from the scratched wood of his desk. “Sorry?”

“You’ve- you’ve got that look on your face, like you’re const- like you’re thinking really hard.”

Jon tried to think of a way to word his query delicately, but ‘delicacy’ had never been his strong suit, according to Georgie. Come to think of it, it was never hers either. “Have you ever considered that maybe- that you’re- you’re of the persuasion, that is-”

Martin shot him a deadpan look, unimpressed. “Yeah, I know I’m gay, Jon.”

“That’s not-” He sighed in frustration, fuming at his inability to communicate. “It’s okay to not feel that way. I never have. It’s normal.”

Martin blinked. “Sorry?”

“Asexuality, that is,” he said, finally managing to get out the words. “I was...in a similar position, I guess you could say. I didn’t feel the way you were ‘supposed’ to feel, like how all the books and TV shows describe it. Zero interest in anything sexual, and I thought...well, I thought something was wrong with me.” Jon felt a lump building in his throat, much to his horror. “But being able to put a name to it, an identity, it just felt right.” Martin’s face was unreadable- had he spoken out of turn? Did he have this all wrong? 

He tried to clarify. “What I’m trying to say is that I know what it’s like, that...feeling you described. But it doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for love. You...you shouldn’t have to feel that way about yourself. You’ll find people who accept you. You’re not doomed to be lonely.” Now you’re just getting sentimental. Jon wasn’t one to dole out advice. He attempted to reign it in, get himself back on solid, familiar ground. “Maybe don’t take me for an example, though. I assure you, my isolation is very much self-imposed.”

Martin didn’t laugh. For a brief, panicky moment Jon thought he might have offended him, assumed the wrong thing, taken him out of context. But Martin met his eyes and Jon saw it- a look of dawning understanding, of comprehension and knowing and as much as Jon wanted to look away he couldn’t, because for the first time in a while he thought he might have said the right thing. 

_____

He watched as Martin puttered about in the break room and took a deep breath, straightening his shoulders. Martin hadn’t said much after their conversation, just thanked him in a choked voice and mumbled some excuse about going off to bed. Jon felt a bit conflicted- he now had time to ruminate on the conversation, pick it apart and wonder if he said anything wrong. He didn’t think he had, but his instincts had been proven wrong before.

Still, the thought of helping one person, sparing them from that crippling self-doubt and inadequacy, made any embarrassment or awkwardness well worth it. So here he was, shuffling his feet and holding a stack of paper, stapled and neat and in some cases, annotated. He cleared his throat and Martin turned away from the sink to face him.

“Oh, g-good morning, Jon.” He wiped his hands on a dish towel, throwing it lightly on the counter. “Did you sleep well?”

He’d gotten two hours tops on the lumpy couch in his office. I need to invest in another cot. But he nodded anyway, walking forward and thrusting the pile out for Martin to take. Martin looked down at it quizzically but took it all the same, his face softening as he flipped through the pages.

“I, um- I printed out some articles that I thought might be of interest,” Jon rambled, feeling more awkward by the second. Was this too forward of me? “I’ve always found it easier to read on paper instead of the screen. For ah, concentration purposes. This- this isn’t required reading, or anything. Just might be helpful for, uh, figuring things out.”

Martin didn’t look up from the pages in his hand, instead zeroing in on them with a more intense stare. When he finally spoke, his voice was tight with sincerity. “Thanks. It uh, it means a lot.”

“Yes,” Jon replied nonsensically, having no response to the emotion in Martin’s words. “You- you don’t need to talk to me about this, if you’d rather not. But I’m available if you’d like to.” He paused. Best to keep this somewhat professional- it was almost nine. “Outside of normal working hours, of course.”

“Of course,” Martin echoed, the ghost of a smile on his lips as he finally met Jon’s eyes. He fought down the urge to smile back, instead muttering an excuse and turning to flee the room. I think I’ve filled my emotional quota for the week. 

They don’t talk about it again, but a few days later a sticky note appears on his desk. Thanks- MB. Underneath the clear script he’d doodled a small flag- black, grey, white, and purple. 

Jon puts it in his right-hand drawer next to an old polaroid of the Admiral, where it stays.

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28782318

#my writing #aspecarchives #tma #the magnus archives #jonmartin #cw aphobia and internalized aphobia #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #asexual jonathan sims #asexual martin blackwood #jon helps martin figure out he's ace

[johannestevans]

So you want to read more original work, but you’re so used to reading fanfic and original works never measure up...

Why not try reading the work of someone who’s been writing popular fanfic for years, and is now writing original work? 

If you’ve read the Good Omens fic Nanny Knows Best, the Marvel fic Brought To Justice, the HP fic Chasing Ghosts, the Discworld fic In Duty... Those were all me! You already know my style and (hopefully) like my take on characters, worldbuilding, and plot!

And now, I have my own original stuff which, between you and me? Is even better.

Complex and thought-out interpersonal dynamics, detailed worldbuilding and slice of life, three-dimensional characterisation... and that sweet, sweet gay and trans shit, all in original works and written by a gay trans ND dude - and not just original works, but works that you can read on Ao3! 

What I do is I write and publish my WIPs to Ao3 and Medium as I work on them, and then once they’re complete, I re-edit them and reformat them as eBooks for sale - and crucially, I leave the originals up on Ao3, so you can still read them for free!

Do you like slice of life, sumptuous period AUs, pining and yearning, slowburn, sexy vampires, and sweetness? Do you love boss & secretary and master & servant dynamics? Do you love banter, wordplay, and heartfelt philosophical conversations? Do you love autistic and ADHD protagonists?

Heart of Stone is 90k, and is available for sale as an eBook on Amazon and Smashwords at $4.99, and you can read it on Ao3 here. Check it out on GoodReads too. 

The year is 1764, and following a glowing recommendation from his last employer, Henry Coffey, vampire, takes on a new personal secretary: young Theophilus Essex.

The man is quite unlike any secretary - or any man, for that matter - that Henry has ever met.

Do you like dark, brooding period pieces, the sense of unreality associated with ongoing isolation, and the horror of not knowing whether you can trust your own mind? Do you like beautiful men being made the victim of strange forces unknown? Do you like epistolary? Do you like contemporary adaptations of Greek mythological ideas, protagonists who are slutty, gay, and have myriad self-esteem issues, and most importantly, art?

Letters From Ganymede is currently a WIP, and is at 25k+! You can read it on Ao3 here. 

Ganymede Cavendish, a recent graduate from the Royal Academy of Arts, catches the eye of an anonymous benefactor.

Mr Smith will offer Mr Cavendish food and board, all the artistic supplies he might require, and space with which to work: they shall never meet, and Mr Cavendish will never know Mr Smith's true name. The only recompense he desires is that Mr Cavendish create beautiful art, and that he write his sponsor a letter each week, keeping his benefactor apprised of his progress.

Having always been lonely, but now feeling alone, Ganymede begins a slow descent into madness.

Do you like fallen angels, revolutionaries, and the grey morality that so often goes hand in hand with immortality? Do you like unhealthy power dynamics within relationships, where one party is constantly trying to manipulate their way into power over the other? Do you like dark humour, found family, sibling dynamics, and cats? Do you like explorations of the darker sides of abandonment issues, needs for control, and the unhealthiest of relationships that still somehow feels fluffy? Do you love bratty trans twinks who love kinky sex?

Powder and Feathers is currently a WIP, and stands right now at 160k+.You can read it on Ao3 here. 

It seems to Aimé Deverell that there is very little point to life, except for what pleasures can be enjoyed before the grave. Life is short - thank God - but at least there's enough in the world to dull the senses in the meantime.

That philosophy shatters like glass when he meets Jean-Pierre, an angel.

Please reblog to signal boost!

The idea of publishing my work for free on Ao3 as well as publishing eBooks is so that people can try out my work or just enjoy it without spending money if money is an issue, and to make it as accessible as possible.

More importantly, although all of the above works have different characters in them, they’re all part of the same universe, and I am so excited to add more and more to this universe as I write more! 

#as defined by dictionary #original fiction #original fic #writeblr #writing on tumblr

[moonagedaydreamohyeah]

One other thing that’s really problematic about Steve’s ending in Avwngers: Endgame, I think, is what it says about dealing with trauma.

I’ll explain. So, along with Bucky clearly being main part of Steve’s storyline, I also feel like the main theme in Steve’s story is dealing with and overcoming trauma. The trauma of loss, PTSD, and of having to find his place in the world after coming out of the ice. 

A few examples of that being made more or less explicit are these:

Here we see Steve struggling to find himself and find people who get what he’s been through.

In the conversation between Steve and Sam at the VA, Sam is showing Steve that he’s not alone, that there are people who relate. Now, obviously noone else has had the experience of being frozen for 70 years only to wake up in a different time. But at the core, Steve’s trauma consists of human experiences that are not at all uncommon: Loss, guilt, and trouble finding oneself after coming back from a traumatic experience. 

Sam does this the first time they meet as well, when he asks Steve if “it’s his bed that’s too soft”, showing him that he relates to what he’s going though, and making him aware that what he is experiencing is not an uncommon thing to struggle with as a war veteran.

At the VA, he tells him about loosing his “wingman” and not being able to save him, which almost relates 1:1 to the story of Steve losing Bucky in CA: TFA.

Important note: This not only makes Steve realize that there are people that relate to his trauma, it also Steve’s trauma relatable to the viewers- Which in my opinion,gives the creators a responsibility to treat that part of his storyline properly and delicately - which I actually think that they do to some degree, up until Endgame.

When Steve visits Peggy, she encourages him to start over, and move forward. What I think she is saying here isn’s that we shouldn’t grieve, but rather that in dealing with trauma, we have to accept that we can’t go back. The trauma won’t magically go away, because it has happened. And trying our best to move forward is the best that we can do.

The way I read it,  what she is also doing, is that she’s saying goodbye, and telling him not to linger, but to move on, and live, ensuring him that she has already done so.

This again at it’s core, is something a lot of us can relate to - grieving for a lost love. And Peggy says it beautifully - “the best we can do is start over” - it won’t make you happy, expecting that in a couple of years you’ll find some stone that’ll magically take you back in time to that first love that you thought was going to last forever... oh...

Okay, moving on:

So the thing is, that I think Steve does move on, to some extend. In the CA: TWS we see Steve establishing relationships based on deeper connections and shared experiences with both Natasha

As well as with Sam (see/read above) ⬆

Another important example is when Steve and Sam first meet and Sam asks how it is for Steve to have woken up in the future.

In his answer, Steve is focusing on the positive sides to being in the future, which can be read as Steve healthily dealing with his situation, but it also depicts the nuances of trauma.

What I mean by that, relates back to what Peggy was saying: “We can’t go back”. Our trauma won’t magically dissappear, and then everything is all good. In order to move on, we have to accept that we will be carrying some of that baggage with us. 

But that doesn’t mean that we can’t move on, that it will always be all bad. In this clip, Steve we’re right at the start of CA: TWS, and this is Steve’s first time meeting Sam, before knowing that Bucky is alive, and before having made any friends in the future. And what he’s saying is “Yeah, I miss my old life, I’ve been through something traumatic, but nothing is black and white, and I can appreciate the things that I have now”.

In CA: CW and the later Avengers movies, Steve’s continues developing new friendships, establishes somewhat of a life, and makes meaningful decisions for himself, based on his own ideals. He gets to grieve for Peggy, and even tries dating. (The whole Steve/Shannon debacle and the way she was treated, is a discussion for a whoole ‘nother day btw).

The fact that Steve gets to have Bucky back is of course already streching it in terms of realistic reprensentation of trauma. But I think that can be allowed, given that avenging Bucky and finding a tie between his old self, somebody who knew him all along, and now, makes up a complete storyline, that, aside from working really well, also tells a beautiful story about friendship.

(I mean the whole “one soulmate presumably dies, the other wakes up 70 years later, alone and feeling guilty, and it turns out his soulmate is actually alive, having been made a dangerous asset controlled by the enemy?? *cheff kiss* who comes up with that shit - okay, I might be little bit biased in this) :):):)

- Back to the point!

So, to sum up: 

Steve starts off feeling completely alone because of the unique nature of of his trauma, and realizes that at the core of it, there are people who can actually relate to what he is going through (the grief of a lost love, the loss of a friend and the guilt of not being able to save them, struggling with finding yourself as well as your place in the world, in the aftermath of a traumatic experience).

He moves on and begins letting people in, letting himself grieve and establishes new ties that bind him to his surroundings, when he finds out that there is no going back, only forward, and he is in fact not alone with his experience og trauma.

Now, Idk about those of you guys that have had to go through either one of the above or other types of trauma, but to me, this process doesn’t sound unfamiliar. 

I think that a lot of the reason why so many of us fell in love with Cap’s story, with the relationship between Steve and Bucky, Sam and Natasha, and the reason why these relationships are so inspired and well-written and exciting to examine in fandom content, is because this is a beautiful story about overcoming trauma in a nuanced and realistic way, of finding out that you’re not alone, and of using that knowledge to move forward. 

When Steve finally gets Bucky back, everything isn’t back to normal or okay. They both have still lost, both others and parts of themselves, and they still have to process a lot of trauma, and find their place in a new time. 

But that’s okay, because overcoming trauma is possible, even if it doesn’t magically go away. And it will be okay, because they have someone by their side who can get what they’re going through. 

And I think a lot of us relate to that. And I also think that that’s a really important representation of trauma and of friendship and love (be it platonic or otherwise) between men, within a far-reaching franchise such as the MCU.

But oh no, MCU just had to get in a frantic Gay Panic over the fact that people fell for these beautiful dynamics and were inspired to create stories and art examining that, to more explicitely fit the reprensentation that they need, that they threw all of out the window, just to go out of their way in both Infinity War and Endgame, to ensure that there could be interpreted exactly zero Gayness between Steve and Bucky, and not even the smallest possibility of Steve not being 100% straight would be left open,

Leading to an ending that is the exact opposite of a healthy narrative when it comes to dealing with trauma:

- Little guy gets the buff body and the Girl, and then all the bad was gone and everything was perfect - 

While completely ignoring the fact that he’s leaving his life and his friends behind, to go to a place where he knows nobody and his best friend is actively being tortured, and Steve will have to not be noticed in the past, probably leading to a very isolated life.

And thus, MCU managed to fuck up when it comes to appreciating their LGBTQ+ audience, representing healthy depictions of coping with trauma, as well as male friendship and non-toxic masculinity.

Only for this short clip, that would leave us all very dissapointed and confused:

Way to go. 

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far:)

#Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes #captain america: civil war #captain america: the winter soldier #captain america: the first avenger #avengers: endgame #avengers: infinity war #avengers: age of ultron #sam wilson #natasha romanoff #steve x bucky #steve rogers x sam wilson #anti endgame #trauma #coping with trauma #PTSD #male friendship #toxic masculinity #pre serum steve #post serum steve #stucky #stucky fandom #stucky fanfiction #stucky fanart #fandom culture #marvel cinematic universe #mcu #fanfiction #marvel #marvel fanfiction

[gently-radical]

I love people, I really do. I've always thought of myself as an introvert but it's not really true, I'm just shy from years of abuse and bullying. I've struggled with PTSD since my age was in the single digits and that does a lot of shit to a person's mind and social skills.

The thing is, I really do love people. I love humanity, I love our brains, I love the way we all think we're walking through life alone but our thoughts constantly echo the past and future of people we've never met, just as much as they echo the stranger you're sitting next to on the bus. I love having people around and listening to their stories and connecting with them. I love talking to the parents at my job and just having a human connection and a nice conversation.

The problem is, I don't like learning things about people that hurt my heart. I tend to just turn inwards instead of making my feelings the other person's burden, but it leaves me constantly feeling distressed by people's anger and bigotry. I love meeting up with radfems IRL but I find myself slowly alienated from whatever group I join in because of certain comments and beliefs that get passed around unchallenged.

There's a really awesome group I met when I moved, but lately I feel like I'd rather be alone than hang out with the group because there's a woman who believes gay people have exceptions and will tell stories about "gay" men who fell in love with her. There's another woman in the group that I'm actually close with and I adore her, but I find myself stuck in conversation sometimes where the topic is attractive men or her past sexual relations with men and it just makes me feel uncomfortable and unseen. It's no secret that I'm male-repulsed from years of sexual abuse and it's also not a secret that these things trigger me. Yet they continue to happen, and I just sit there with a frozen smile on my face.

I talk with people outside of my circle of friends or my radfem group and I get stuck in conversation about how so-and-so's child is "just like a boy" because she picked out digger truck pajamas at Walmart. Or I'm roped into a conversation with my coworker about how her family is so hurtful and fucked up because they can't keep up with her ever-shifting concept of self and they don't know what to call her or say to her on any given day. Or something gets said that applies to me but they don't realize it, like the boss who thought I was straight and wanted to shit talk any gay client or coworker we had.

I feel like my default state is biting my tongue. I want to open my heart up and let people in, let people close, be honestly myself, all the things that I denied myself most of my life because I was too scared of my own self hatred. Now I'm too scared of incurring others' hatred and I feel like nothing has changed, even though I've grown so much and worked so hard. The only people that really get to see me be myself are my girlfriend and my mom, which is amazing so don't get me wrong, it's just that I feel like I spend most of my time away from them and it means I'm spending most of my time feeling isolated, insulted, or closed off because I don't feel that my opinion is going to be well received. I don't need people to constantly agree with me, I don't want a real life echo chamber, I just want to meet people who aren't so chronically online that they can't handle having a conversation that doesn't consist of 100% agreement. I just want to feel like being myself is an option

#personal but ok to reblog #radfem safe

[140smashedguitars]

Something that I love about Cherry Magic is the way it ignores a bunch of tired/toxic tropes in stories about queer people. I'm gonna list them under a read more because this is gonna get kinda long.

No homophobia This is the big one, obviously. Every story about queer people involves the main character and/or the love interest fighting homophobia. You have the character(s) dealing with slurs, mockery, being isolated from people who they thought cared about them and potentially violently abused. Instead, the only thing vaguely homophobic thing we hear is episode 7 when Adachi is worried about the fact that they’re both men, but then moves past it and tells Kurosawa that he wants to be with him. The only time anyone is suspected of being homophobic is when Minato thinks Tsuge is being homophobic towards him and Rokkaku, a (presumably) cishet character, stands up for Minato and is ready to throw hands for him, until the mistake is quickly rectified. Homophobia just doesn’t have a place in this story, and I know that homophobia is rampant in the real world, I’m not saying it’s not, it’s just that so many stories are already about that and it’s nice to see a queer story focused on someone learning to love and accept themself and realise and accept that they are allowed to be happy.

No coming out Someone made a post about how mainstream stories about queer people are about coming about because that’s what affects cishet people and mainstream media wants to cater to them. I am so tired of this; cishet people being focused on/pandered to in stories about queer people. Our stories are not about you. The stories don’t need to be for you. You can enjoy them, but you don’t need to be the centre of them for that. Instead of having literally any coming out in this show, whenever anyone is revealed to be queer, it isn’t made to be an emotional, important scene. The revelation happens, and the other character accepts it and doesn’t make a big thing out of it. When Adachi finds out for definite that Kurosawa likes him, he doesn’t think “Wait, Kurosawa likes men?” He thinks “Wait, Kurosawa likes me?” Again, I know in real life that coming out is a big and terrifying thing for queer people, but it’s not the only part of our life.

No one is already in a relationship Films like Imagine Me & You and Free Fall (both of which I like) have one of the characters start the film in an opposite sex relationship which they seem happy in, until the other character of the same sex as them comes along and confuses them and then they either want to or do cheat on their current partner and then they have to choose who they want to be with and it’s just a mess. Queer people aren’t just homewreckers or need a special person to come along and make them realise they were gay all along. Bisexual people do exist and can have happy relationships with people of the opposite sex. Who knew! Instead, all 4 members of the couples are single until they get together. Kurosawa isn’t trying to avoid his feelings by being with someone he doesn’t really like and then breaking their heart. Adachi and Tsuge obviously aren’t in relationships because that’s the point of the plot and Minato is single as well. It all works out nicely. There’s no going behind a partners back or promising to leave the partner, but they don’t want to upset them. Just 4 single people who find each other with some bumps along the way.

No aggression at realising they’re gay Brokeback Mountain, Free Fall and a bunch of other films about queer men will do this and I HATE it. One of the characters will fall in love with the other and accept that part of themself, and the other character will start sleeping with him and then get angry and then potentially physically violent if not just verbally abusive because he can’t deal with being attracted to a man and the other character will just continue to love him and want to be with him despite that. Just. Why? Queer people aren’t just toxic or drawn to toxic relationships. This is an awful narrative, especially when the films are catered towards cishet people. Instead, Kurosawa loves and respect Adachi so much, putting his needs first, going at his pace, letting him make the first moves. In return, Adachi loves and respects Kurosawa even if he is nervous about it. He’s respectful of Kurosawa’s feelings and wants him to be himself around Adachi. They love each other for who they are. We get constant shots of them smiling at/because of each other. After Adachi reveals his magic to Kurosawa, Kurosawa doesn’t get angry or upset and only interupts Adachi after he starts insulting himself. And when they break up, again, Kurosawa isn’t angry (though he’s obviously upset), but doesn’t take that out on Adachi. Instead, he takes him back literally with open arms because he understands that Adachi’s problem is with himself and that he needed time to work on that. Kurosawa wants Adachi to see himself as a good person, and Adachi wants the reverse. And even though we don’t see much of Tsuge and Minato, we know that Tsuge is so happy to be with Minato and Minato is clearly happy with Tsuge even if he has a harder time communicating. They both respect each others boundaries as well and Minato goes slow for Tsuge their first time in case Tsuge wants to stop. The relationships have clearly made all 4 of them happy and it shows the queer audience that they can be in happy, respectful and non toxic realtionships too, as is what we deserve.

No fetishisation The fact that this show is based around the main character and his best friend losing their virginities yet there’s no gratuitous sex scenes or even a kiss from the main couple is quite astonishing. Most films about queer people (especially queer men) will have so much explicit sexual content, which is probably there for the cishet female gaze. All 4 members of the couples are treated with respect within the narractive and when one of them does get overly sexualised (Kurosawa) it’s seen negatively. It forces us to see all the characters as human beings and focus entirely on their stories. What wer get instead of the fetishisation is better as well. The first time Adachi and Kurosawa hold hands makes my heart swell. Kurosawa grabbing Adachi’s hand nervously is an amazing shot and it’s so wonderfully intimate that no kiss or sex scene could’ve beaten that. And when we do get a kiss (from Minato and Tsuge) it’s there to make a point. Like I said before, it shows Minato cares about and respects Tsuge’s feelings. We know they had sex, same with Adachi and Kurosawa in the finale but they don’t show it. They don’t need to. Also, Fujisaki is very intersting this aspect. She’s the only female main character and not only is she not fetishised, she’s aroace and it’s completely accepted by Adachi. She’s treated like a human being, and she doesn’t fetishise Adachi and Kurosawa.

No one dies and both couples get together and stay together Self explanatory, but how many stories about queer people do we know of where after everything, one of the main characters die, or the couple just simply don’t end up together? I’m sick and tired of watching so many stories where queer people fight to be themselves and be with someone they love only for that fight to be futile. What’s the point? So seeing a show with FIVE queer people in the main cast who are happy and 4 of them end up in relationships with someone they love that are not toxic that we know will actually last is so refreshing. The show takes the bury your gays trope and says ‘fuck that, we’re not about that’ and I absolutely love it for it.

This show all in all is quite fascinating. It’s 5 hours long and takes all these tropes and throws them in the bin. It tells a compelling, beautiful story that I and so many other queer people really needed. It gives us hope that maybe one day we can find someone who loves us for who we are, be it a friend or romantic partner. It shows us that there are other people like us and we can find them. We are not alone. It shows us that even if we don’t love ourselves, we are still capable of loving someone else and someone else can still love us.

I love this show, and it means more to me than I can explain. I didn’t expect this to get mushy towards the end, but honestly, I want to say thank you for everyone who made Cherry Magic the way it is. It’s a truly amazing show and it’s sad that more people won’t get to see it, but I’m glad I did. ❤️

#mine #cherry magic #i just have so many feelings about this show ok

[maybedefinitely404]

Day 10: Dukexiety

@tsshipmonth2020

Day 10: You are born with a birthmark, similar to a tattoo, that is shared by your soulmate.

Content warnings: allusions to past suicidal thoughts, just bad mental health past in general, vague bullying, swimming pools, past isolation, minor injury (broken ribs), general anxiety and self deprecation.

Word count: 3.9k

I was very low on time, and very exhausted from work, so I tried something new! I first discovered the concept of ‘bullet fics’ from @illogicallyinclined ‘s hockey au, GO CHECK IT OUT!!! (It’s living in my head rent free for a couple months now)

Virgil, Patton, Logan, and Roman have been friends for as long as they can remember. The first three met at a neighborhood barbecue when they were just a couple years old, and since they all live on the same block, became each other’s go to play buddies. They all stuck together in their first years of school together, the unbreakable trio, and then they met Roman. Or, Roman was pulled into their clutches and was therefore part of the group now. Patton saw him getting bullied across the playground and ran in to help, and now Roman is ‘eternally in their debt’. But they like him, so his extravagance is okay. 

They hung out constantly, all throughout middle and highschool, and they graduated together. It was a big moment for all of them; Patton, who almost got left a grade behind several times (his dyslexia went undiagnosed for several years and he was simply categorized as ‘dumb’), Virgil, who almost didn’t make it due to a mental health crisis, Logan, who was pressured heavily by his parents to move up a grade and had to fight tooth and nail to stay with his friends, and Roman, who’s bullying problems didn’t exactly lessen through the years, and was more than relieved to be leaving that behind. 

That summer, they pledge (mostly by Roman’s pleading) to try and do something fun every day. While Logan says this is improbable and Virgil groans at the thought of spending every day socializing, Patton is excited for the idea and “it’s two against two so you have to at least try!”

“That logic doesn’t make sense-” “Shut it, teach, just let us have this.”

So far, they’ve gone to the amusement park just out of town, gone to the park too many times to count, visited their local arcade that they hadn’t even stepped foot into since middle school, and tie-dyed a variety of clothing items in Patton’s backyard. Today, Patton is forcing them all to go to the pool, despite Logan claiming that they’re “feces infested, germ nesting grounds” and Virgil’s argument that “he burns like an unwatched pot of milk, how can you expect this from me”, Patton’s little puppy eyes do them all in.

Unfortunately, just as they’re leaving for the pool, Roman gets a call. At first it’s civil, and then his voice raises, and then he’s hanging up and throwing his phone onto his seat from where he’s standing next to the open car door. Angrily, he tells his friends that his mom got called into work and his dad’s on a business trip, so they need to take his brother with them.

At first, this raises some confusion.

“I was not under the impression that you had a little brother.”

“How old is he? Either way, I say, the more the merrier!”

Virgil is not thrilled at the idea of babysitting, since kids generally don’t like him, but he doesn’t voice his displeasure. 

Roman has to admit, with much embarrassment, that it’s actually his twin, who is just so chaotically irresponsible that he has lost Home Alone Privileges. He’s broken the TV, accidentally started fires, and lost their dog one too many times and his parents said no more. 

So he drives all the way back to his house, the three friends crammed into the back seat of his two door sedan (because the seats are A Pain to raise and lower and it makes more sense to give said brother the front seat instead of rearranging when they get him), grumbling under his breath about his stupid brother, stupid work, stupid stupid stupid-

Virgil is apt to agree with him, because if being around his three closest friends is enough interaction to mentally exhaust him, adding a new person to the mess is so much worse. He’s generally unexcited to meet this new person… until they pull up to the driveway.

And holy heck. 

This man is GORGEOUS. 

It takes a second for him to realize it’s Roman’s brother, because despite his first assumption, the two are not identical. They’re very similar, obviously related, for sure, but they are surprisingly easy to tell apart, and it’s not just because of the silver streak in the brother’s hair.

Which he should not find as hot as he does.

After Roman insists said brother does need to go get a bathing suit and no you can not go swimming in your jeans, he jumps into the passenger seat and, with as much energy as Roman has at Full Potential, introduces himself as Remus to the backseat audience. 

Patton and Logan both say small hello’s, but Virgil is just stuck.

Dear lord. Princey, why have you been hiding him from me?

When they get to the pool, Virgil makes a complete fool of himself getting out of the car. He trips on his seatbelt, landing directly in Remus’ arms, and looks up to see this devil man grinning at him with all the hubris of a greek god. Before he can say anything, Virgil pushes himself up and rolls his eyes (all while internally screaming) and walks away, joining Patton and Logan where they are just entering the main gate. 

He can’t help it; when in proximity of cuteness, his emergency mode is “be a dick”.

But it only gets worse from there.

When Virgil has an umbrella properly set up above a chair so he can save his skin from the sun (“I burn like unwatched milk on a stove. I’m not going in.”) and is comfortably situated with his phone and iced coffee, Remus steps in front of him to take his shirt off. 

He’s pretty sure Remus didn’t even mean to. It just… happened to be directly in his line of sight. 

As soon as the shirt is above his head, Virgil chokes on his drink, squirting iced coffee out of his nose and going into a coughing fit. Patton rubs his back while Roman tries not to laugh (and fails miserably), all while Remus is just watching him. Confused. (Logan is in the change rooms, because he insists on not wearing his bathing suit unless he is actively about to swim)

There’s more than just the sun issue that prevents Virgil from swimming. While his friend’s soulmarks are relatively small (Roman has a little one on his neck, Logan and Patton have a shared one just above their ankles), Virgil’s is a huge splotch that covers his entire side, reaching from just above his top rib to where his waistband usually lies. It’s all squiggles and lumps; Virgil once compared it to a storm cloud, but the lightning streaks were tentacles. It’s all in all, just… A Mess. And he doesn’t really like it. No one he’s ever met has had a soulmark like that, and he hates standing out.

When Remus takes off his shirt, in all his muscled glory, Virgil can’t miss the matching soulmark that trails down Remus’ side. It’s his, no doubt about it, but… that can’t be right, can it? Remus is so… full of life, dangerous, the epitome of chaotic; he’s everything Virgil is not. More so, he’s terrified of what Remus must think of him. He’s nothing special, he’s just an anxious ball of angst. What if he’s disappointed in who the universe decided to stick him with? 

After he’s done choking on iced coffee, and Logan is back from the change room, he realizes Remus is long gone, in the deep end of the pool trying to gather as many foam noodles as he can. They check that Virgil is alright, and when he merely gives them a shaky thumbs up, they take it at face value and dive in. Except Logan, who uses the steps like a mature adult, you children. 

He lets the rest of his coffee sit in the sun, until the sun melts all the ice cubes and it’s lukewarm to touch and overall, just gross, because suddenly he has no appetite. Yeah, this guy is gorgeous and he’s hopelessly gay for him, but... soulmate? That’s a lot for anyone to take in, much less someone with forty seven different kinds of anxiety. /j

If Virgil was uneasy taking his shirt off before, he sure as hell isn’t doing it now. No matter how much Patton and Roman plead with him, he stays glued to his chair, eyes flickering from his friends playing Marco Polo to watching his soulmate Remus. He’s turned the pool noodles into a giant raft and is trying to balance on it, like an absolute idiot.

An extremely good looking idiot. 

Virgil can’t help but notice that… he’s all alone. Roman, Patton, and Logan barely even throw him the occasional glance, much less invite him to hang out with them in the water. Worse than that, he seems relatively fine with it. It could just be that he doesn’t want to intrude on his brother’s friend group, but Remus doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to have those boundaries. Which kind of insinuates that he’s used to being alone, and Virgil can’t help but empathize. 

He notices it a lot, actually. The group meeting Remus also coincides with Roman and Virgil becoming more close; less of a frenemy relationship, and more of an actual friendship. Patton is delighted, because this means the three of them get to hang out at Roman’s huge place more often without their constant bickering (because when it got bad at one of their houses, Virgil’s was never more than a ten minute walk away when Roman finally pushed his last button. Here, they were all stuck.)

And every time they go over, he can’t help but notice the loud music coming from Remus’ room, or the man just sitting on the couch watching TV (which he tends to do shirtless, which does not help Virgil at all), or irritating Roman’s parrot. All in all, doing things alone. It strikes a chord in Virgil’s heart, which is something he’d never admit to another person.

Maybe that’s why, in the following week when Roman has the grand idea to go on a mountain hike, Virgil quietly asks if they could invite Remus. At first, Roman is adamant. “He’ll just ruin things, he doesn’t appreciate nature, he’s annoying!” But Patton claims “The more the merrier” and Logan doesn’t have any particular stance, so he begrudgingly invites Remus.

Who very excitedly accepts. 

The trail Roman visited is quite a ways out of town, so they cram back into his tiny car and start the drive. Patton claimed shotgun, so him and Roman have derailed into an animated conversation about cartoons, while Logan just pops in his earbuds and leans his head against the window. For the longest time, Remus and Virgil sit in awkward silence, because neither of them could get a word in edgewise to the front seat conversation even if they tried, and they don’t… really… know what to say… to each other. 

It’s Remus who finally breaks the silence (shocker).

“Roman tells more you’re the one who wanted to invite me.”

“Yeah, well, you seemed lonely. And… I mean, you’re Roman’s brother. Can you really be that bad?”

He means it as a joke, but he sees the light in Remus’ eyes die slightly. The tone of his voice doesn’t falter though, remaining as joyful and quirky as always. 

“I’m a lot more fun than Roman. People just don’t like to see it that way.”

“Setting your kitchen curtains on fire is fun?”

“If you were there, you’d understand!”

And they keep talking, maybe trailing into borderline flirting, for the whole ride. Virgil is surprised at the lack of tenseness in his shoulders, because though Remus is loud and a little unsettling, he is incredibly patient when Virgil has trouble forming his sentences and doesn’t interrupt him when he’s talking; an incredible help to someone with crippling anxiety. Underneath his exterior, he’s actually… incredibly soft? What?

By the time they pull up to the trail, Remus is actually starting to grow on Virgil. Since Patton and Roman are still so into their debate, and Logan seems content listening to his music (or podcast, but who really knows), they continue talking as the hike starts. The shorter boy can’t help but glance at the other every few seconds, seeing their soulmark just peeking past the edge of his baggy tank top. If Remus notices, he says nothing. 

And he learns Remus was bullied a lot through school, just like Roman was, but instead of finding a group that supported him, he broke off as a lone wolf. He came off scary or maybe just a little bit crazy to anyone he tried to befriend, since his social skills were pretty lacking due to disuse and his incredible lack of filter, so he learned early that staying alone hurt less. And in that time, he just became more and more… Like That… because he literally never had peers to mature with. 

The hike is a long one. Remus is pretty eager to spill his guts, probably since he was never able to before, so Virgil feels obligated to do the same. He tells Remus about his anxiety, about his mental health issues during school, about his home life and his hobbies, and the fact that there are more people around just fades into the background. It could as well be just them, and Virgil starts to wish it was. 

So of course, that’s when everything goes to shit.

A mountain biker comes ripping down the path, too quick to even process, and Virgil is caught off guard. Of course, he’s not walking near the edge of the path, because he has some shred of common sense, but the bike speeding by him causes him to flinch and stumble to the side; an instinctual reaction. Except his instincts decided to not remember until the last second that he’s at the edge of the trail.

It’s almost like happening in slow motion, his foot goes over the edge, and he doesn’t realize what’s about to happen until his other foot is already off the ground, ready to take that next step back, and he’s falling. Luckily (as lucky as one can be in this situation), it’s not a straight drop, just a decently long, steep slope that’s essentially just a bunch of rocks and weeds. 

He hears his friends scream his name, sees a hand fly out to catch him, and it just snags the edge of his jacket before he’s freefalling for a split moment. One heart stopping, never ending, eternal and all too short moment of weightlessness where he twists his body, hoping to try and brace himself, and then he meets the slope.

Hard.

His breath leaves him in a wheeze and he distinctly hears a loud snap. Through his pain addled brain, he tries to stop his slide further down by grabbing anything; rocks, roots, dirt. It’s useless.

He stops naturally, on a small ledge several meters from the top before the slope continues. For a moment, he can only lay there, trying to breathe through the intense pain flaring through him pretty much everywhere, not to mention the sheer levels of pure panic numbing his thoughts. He stares at the clouds, watching them as they float by, each breath spreading fire through his torso but at the same time strangely numb.

And then, “VIRGIL!”

His eyes shoot open (wait, when did he close them?) to see Remus’ concerned face above his. If the messied state of his outfit is any indication, this man just slid down the slope to catch up to him. His hands are hovering above Virgil, scared to touch, but more scared that Virgil is going to keep falling.

“Fuck,” is Virgil’s eloquent response. He tries to take a deep breath, tries to do his breathing pattern to calm his nerves, but NOPE. Wrong move. 

He immediately gasps and his hands fly to his ribs, another flair of pain shooting up them. Remus’ hands grab his, pulling them away from his torso, holding them securely. “I think you have some broken ribs. That was… one hell of a fall. We need to get you back up to the trail though, okay?”

Virgil can only nod his head, allowing Remus to help him stand, biting his lip so hard to keep from crying out that his lip splits. It hurts.

Trust Logan to come up with ideas on the fly. The biker must have stopped when he realized Virgil had fallen (at least he didn’t just keep driving), because when Virgil opened his tear filled eyes, there was a bike tire just a few feet from his face. He followed the frame of the bike, up to where Roman was holding the other wheel and standing precariously on the slope. Logan is clinging onto his hand, one foot on the slope and one on the actual trail, and if Virgil has to guess, the biker and Patton are just out of sight, keeping Logan steady. 

Virgil knows it’s going to hurt before Remus even warns him that it will, watching the taller man get a good grip on the bike wheel, before holding Virgil’s wrist with as much force that can muster without actively cutting off circulation. Virgil holds onto his wrist in return, Remus gives a shout to go ahead, and the human/bike chain they’ve created begins to pull them up. 

And oh lord, if Virgil thought just laying down was painful, tripping and stumbling up a steep incline is another world altogether. This time, biting his lip doesn’t work and he lets out a few muffled cries as the team works together, Remus squeezing his wrist every time a choked sound escapes his lips, mind too full of pure agony to even curse.

When they finally step foot onto the trail again, Virgil is in tears, and he is too far gone to even care. The biker is incredibly apologetic, offering his contact information and bidding them adieu when they insist that they’re okay now, and takes off, at an admittedly much slower pace than he was at before. 

Logan, the only one of them with proper (and extensive) first aid training, forces Virgil to sit, giving him time to find a position that puts as little pressure on his ribs as possible, before crouching in front of him.

“Let me check if they’re broken.”

His hand reaches out towards Virgil’s shirt and all the alarm bells start BLARING. No. No, no, no, no, no. Before he can restrain himself, he reaches out and slaps Logan’s hand away, sending another wave of pain through him. The pain doesn’t matter though, not in comparison to Logan possibly revealing his soulmark. 

Logan doesn’t understand this reaction properly (when does he ever), so he tries again.

“Virgil, I need to check the extent of the damage. A cracked rib means you can still make it back to the car. A broken rib would require emergency services and probable air lifting to prevent further damage, like a punctured lung.”

“Fine,” Virgil hisses through clenched teeth, bitterly understanding his logic, “Just… don’t take the shirt off.”

He tries to say it to only Logan, but it’s clear the other’s heard it by the way they exchange confused glances. Yes, they’ve never seen Virgil without a shirt, except they’d always pegged that up to insecurities. Wouldn’t those take a back seat in a possible medical emergency? 

Logan complies, however, and slides his hand under the hem of his shirt without moving the fabric. He runs his hands slowly up each rib, concentrating heavily, until he reaches one midway up and Virgil yelps, instinctively flinching backwards.

Startled by the reaction (it’s his first time actually administering first aid like this, give him a break), Logan jumps back, forgetting his hand is still under Virgil’s shirt.

His hand moves up.

Virgil moves back.

And the hem of his shirt rises up his chest for just a moment.

A moment’s all that’s needed, though. When you notice something that you’ve seen yourself a hundred times over, admiring this way and that in the mirror to commit it to memory, it only takes a glance to recognize it.

Remus only needed that split second of the shirt riding up to notice the lower half of the soulmark, and he definitely did notice it, if the way his jaw drops is anything to go off of. Virgil winces again, not from pain this time, and looks down at his shoes, abhorring the awkward silence that ensues.

The other three don’t understand, watching the two of them with varying levels of confusion, until Remus blurts:

“Are you my soulmate?”

And everything clicks into place. Virgil nods mutely, still not looking up, afraid of his reaction. Would he be upset Virgil kept it a secret? Would he be disappointed? Would he would he would he-

“Oh thank GOD!”

That’s… not the reaction he was expecting. He looks up to see Remus grinning like a child on their birthday, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“I mean, if I’d want anyone to be my soulmate, it would be you! You don’t hate me, which a lot of people do, and you actually listen to me, which is nice, and not to mention you’re super hot, like the whole emo thing is just-”

“Remus!” Roman screeches, cutting him off, “You’re embarrassing him, let him breathe!”

It’s the first time Roman has ever come to Virgil’s defense, and he’s only vaguely happy about that. Truth is, he’s so much more wrapped up in the fact that Remus is actually happy that he doesn’t even notice Logan’s back to touching his ribs until another sharp pain brings him back.

“They’re definitely not broken. Fractured, at worst. Either way, you’re going to the hospital. Only question is, can you get down to the car?”

Virgil wants to nod, wants to go along with no problem, but he can barely take a step before his knees almost give out. If he could double over without making everything worse, he would. 

Remus doesn’t see this as a problem, though, eagerly offering Virgil to ride on his back until they get to the bottom. The shorter is, obviously, reluctant to this plan, seeing as how it’s a decently long trail and he isn’t that light, but damn, his soulmate insists, and next thing he knows, he’s gingerly holding onto Remus’ shoulders as he pushes back into a standing position.

(If he wasn’t already super hot, he’s strong, too? Virgil has struck the literal jackpot.)

He buries his face into the crook of Remus’ neck, trying not to wince at every jolt and bump as they maneuver their way down the hill, all conversation halted so they can focus on the two of them. Roman walks in front of them and Patton and Logan behind, ready to jump into action at any sign of stumbling. 

But it’s okay, it actually is, Virgil realizes as they’re making their way down the hill. Sure, they only really bonded today, but they also bonded in a day, and if that’s not telling of the future they’ll have together, whether romantic or platonic (they still need to talk that out), it’s gonna be okay.

Anyone who’s willing to throw themselves into harm's way and carry you down a mountain has got to be a worthy soulmate.

#lywrites #tsshipmonth2020 #dukexiety #remus sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #ts soulmate au #sanders sides #sanderssides #sanders sides fanfiction

[alittledizzy]

29 Things I Love About Dan

1. That he came out to his family via email. Aspirational.

2. Dude really, really loves his grandma.

3. That one time at a book signing when the bookstore overpromised tickets and there was a dad that was really upset because his daughter had been waiting in line so long and didn't get to meet them. The dad was just shouting at Dan and Phil and everyone else was trying to just quickly walk on but Dan stopped, turned around, and talked to the dad.

4. That he's the first person to defend someone he loves in any situation where he even perceives they're being shit upon, but in the same breath will make fun of them himself. He's the epitome of older brother attitude.

5. He spends a lot of money on clothes but then he wears what he buys every single day for a span of at least a year so he does at least get his money's worth.

6. That time on vyou when someone asked him what he looks for in a girl and his answer was the ring that fell off his hand last time that he really wants back.

7. His reaction to the Phil's wife story. I still laugh thinking about Sabrina and Lola. In the process of answering that he made a remark about how Phil leaves to go with his 'real' family and sometimes that just latches itself onto my brain. There was a similar comment during the blue/gold dress debate where Phil referenced Dan in with family and it's just... like, yeah, they're in love, they're in a relationship. But they're not just partners, they are full on out and out family to each other and that Dan found that at a time when he was so scared and felt so isolated with his own family is worth everything.

8. The depth of feeling in his voice during that one "Katie, Katie, Katie... Katie, Katie, Katie. No." liveshow answer. You know the one. He was having none of that and if Katie got verbally incinerated in the process of his answering, so be it.

9. When he'd be doing a liveshow and get on a tangent and end up talking about condiments or dips for like four minutes straight.

10. The way he never minded putting someone on blast that pissed him off but knew that it bothered Phil so he would consult with Phil first sometimes but then if the situation actually involved Phil being hurt in some way all bets were off he Was naming that trainer that made Phil puke he did not Care if Phil gave him an alias for the video Kai deserved what he got for pushing Phil too far.

11. That after a decade he still wants to impress Phil's family by doing things like cleaning before they come and making them all coffee.

12. And yet still made a cake to give to Phil in front of them that talked about wanting to see Phil's ass. The duality of man is real, indeed.

13. Nicer Internet. Young Minds. Make-a-Wish. Mermaids. He only just came into his own with being charity-minded in the last few years and I don't for a second doubt he does more privately than publicly and probably has some mental spirals about using his platform vs being accused of virtue signaling. But this is just one way I love watching him find his footing in the world as an adult with privilege.

14. He introduced an important word to my personal lexicon with Haru and I'd like the rest of the world to catch on because it's just a very specific action of lying while obviously lying and pretending you aren't lying and I love it.

15. When he was fifteen he was so in his emo kid feelings that he wanted black angel wings tattooed on his back.

16. That little tune he'd hum when he was trying to space out thoughts during liveshows.

17. That somehow he beat all the odds and is best friends with the first person he subscribed to (Bryony) and in a relationship with his teenage self's favorite youtuber (Phil, obviously). Teenage Dan had a really shit time of almost everything but in that one specific 'meet your idols' area he was truly blessed with all of the luck.

18. "All I can taste is cherry, all I can smell is cherry, all I can hear is cherry and all I can feel is cherry. Can't really see much though."

19. The fact that he owned up to previous bad takes and opinions and deleted old videos and tweets.

20. Litralee.

21. They originally wanted Phil to run the board at the radio show but he did such a bad job of it after the first episode that they gave it to Dan instead, and I think for someone with zero radio work experience or training Dan did an amazing job. He may spend a lot of time doubting himself but when a spotlight is on him he's clever and confident and adapts quickly.

22. The way when he says 'at all' he still sounds like his five year old self.

23.  That he tried to run the marathon last year, and didn't, and tried again this year. When you're someone that fears judgement for your failures and knows everything you do is scrutinized by a very large audience - not just fans but people waiting for you to fail so they can report on that, too - sharing in that way seems like it would be really hard. It was shit luck that he couldn't run it this year either but I have faith he's gonna cross that finish line because the man Dan Howell has turned into goes after what he wants and fuck what anyone else thinks or expects of him.

24. That one liveshow they did without pants. You know that was Dan's idea. Phil is a respectable young man who does not go live on the internet to thousands of people in just his underwear. But Dan? Dan would. Dan does. And Dan is a terrible blerson.

25. That in a video to ten million people he said with his whole chest that his relationship with Phil made him feel safe for the first time since he was a small child. And like, yeah, sure, I'm infatuated with their relationship so it made me happy on a personal level. But beyond that; putting words to things is clearly not easy for Dan. It took him decades to acknowledge he was gay to himself. It took decades plus a little to tell his family. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much people know things, giving it a label is fucking scary and I think his fear of labeling his relationship with Phil (to the public) felt like a different kind of exposure than just his sexuality and he still faced them both.

26. He clearly has a very complicated relationship with his parents and family in general but that one story he told about being young and on holiday to Disneyland Paris and his mum is terrified of roller coasters but went on one with him like six times because she didn't want him to be alone. I'm glad through all the badness and doubt and fear he's had at how conditional his parents' love might be, that he had those good memories as well.

27. It was Dan that coined the phrase 'post-baking universe.' He's very aware of the stages of their life and his growth and he shares that self-awareness with the viewers even if he doesn't share all the depth of reasoning behind them. (He also coined the term 'phan' but in that instance I think uhh he didn't know what he was doing so.)

28. That he's learned better coping mechanisms than lashing out online. That he's got therapy now and the option for medication when he needs it. That depression doesn't go away but he knows he has options and support now.

29. He's given us almost a decade of content to watch and rewatch and enjoy and view through the different lights of his growth and our own growth, and who knows what the future will hold.

Okay, last minute addition - we'll call it one to grow on:

30. That Starcourt selfie.

#phan #meta

[letterboxd]

A Cinematic Outcoming.

From Istanbul to Chicago, and C.R.A.Z.Y. to Spirited Away, Letterboxd member, writer and film programmer Emre Eminoğlu explores the films that drove his gay awakening.

“I see it as my duty to never shut up about how representation matters.” —Emre Eminoğlu

I was one of the luckiest ones, yet I had no idea how lucky I was. Growing up in Istanbul, Turkey, a predominantly patriarchal, conservative and homophobic society, my luck was being born into an open-minded, secular and loving family.

In this bubble, I was isolated from the struggles of the majority of my people. I was not bullied at school by my peers, I was not forced into being someone else by my family. Yet I still had that voice in my head. As soon as I realized something could be different with me, I became my own bully and forcefully adopted a fictional persona: ‘exceptionally normal’.

Coming out was hard, but coming out to myself was harder. Although I was perfectly aware of my sexual identity, I could not come to terms with the possibility of being ‘abnormal’. Cue cinema. Watching films was a way of escape for high-school Emre—it still is—and it was inevitable that I would come across some LGBTQ+ films. I was not consciously in search of a ‘truth’ about myself but I started seeing my reflection in them, as they slowly disarmed the bully I involuntarily created.

Twenty years later, now, as a 34-year-old gay man professionally writing on cinema and television, I see it as my duty to never shut up about how representation matters. Streaming LGBTQ+ shows on various platforms, seeing widely released, mainstream LGBTQ+ films, listening to the music of openly LGBTQ+ stars, and hearing words of wisdom like “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”, I am confident that the personal, inner bully that I created twenty years ago would not survive a week in today’s world.

‘C.R.A.Z.Y.’ (2005)

Jean-Marc Vallée’s C.R.A.Z.Y. (2005) was definitely not the first LGBTQ+ film I ever watched, but it was an invaluable juncture in my life. It was a hot summer in Istanbul, freshman year of college was over. One of my best friends, who had been accompanying me through most of my cinematic discoveries, told me about a French-Canadian film with this guy on the film poster with David Bowie makeup on his face. We headed to an independent theater in Kadıköy to see it.

Zachary Beaulieu was different. As the lone gay son in a family of five boys, he too was forcefully adopting a fictional persona, and his way of escape was music. He was constantly worried about how to be worthy of his parents’ love, how to realize their ideals of him, and how his difference and truth contradicted all of that. Zac’s 1960s basically mirrored my story in the 2000s. I perfectly muted the life-changing enlightenment I was going through and did not vocalize my inner screams.

In two hours, C.R.A.Z.Y. helped me realize my true self and admit my sexual identity after all those years. It was a personal threshold I had been longing to cross… but there was still a lot to go through.

‘Les Amours Imaginaires’ (Heartbeats, 2010)

Liking someone, falling for someone, being loved, dating someone, sex, refusals, misinterpretations, heartbreaks, break-ups, bad sex. On the other side of the closet, I was being introduced to new, sometimes euphoric, sometimes gut-wrenching experiences. But coming out to my friends was still a challenge. I was feeling so lonely keeping all these wonderful and horrible experiences in my chest.

But I was not alone: LGBTQ+ films were my life’s understudy. The same heartbreaks, worries, and disappointments I was going through were right there on the silver screen. I took note as two best friends, Francis and Marie, fall for the same guy and navigate their friendship in Xavier Dolan’s Les Amours Imaginaires (Heartbeats, 2010). I studied how a popular student, Jarle, falls for the new guy in school, but cannot risk his reputation to be with him in Stian Kristiansen’s Mannen som Elsket Yngve (The Man Who Loved Yngve, 2008) and I watched as close friends Tobi and Achim become lovers, until one’s need to keep everything secret threatens to destroy the relationship in Marco Kreuzpaintner’s Sommersturm (Summer Storm, 2004).

Things were not always accessible via online platforms and the internet, so film festivals were often the only chance to see the latest independent and queer films. Two of the biggest film festivals in Istanbul, thankfully, had LGBTQ+-focused sections; !f’s Gökkuşağı (Rainbow) and Istanbul Film Festival’s Nerdesin aşkım? (Where are you, my love?) felt like home.

‘Tomboy’ (2011)

Being the lone avid cinephile among my friends, I was used to seeing half of my festival picks alone. Even before coming out to myself, my hopes for a romantic relationship included, among other things, having a festival partner. When I, fortunately, found the one, I was delighted to have also found the perfect festival partner. Shortly after our first month together, the first film we saw at a film festival was Céline Sciamma’s Tomboy (2011).

Although I was a 24 year old cis man, I was more than able to empathize with the title character, a ten-year-old trans boy. With his family unaware of his true identity, Mickaël experiences the liberation of a fresh start when ‘mistaken’ for a boy after they move to a new neighborhood—finally able to introduce himself as Mickaël, not Laure.

Changing my career path, a new job in the creative industry, and a stable relationship had similar effects on me. I was still not completely out to my parents, or some of my friends, schoolmates, and acquaintances from my past, but I was freed of the obligation to explain anything to my new friends or colleagues. I would proudly introduce them to my boyfriend, or simply correct people by saying I was attracted to men during a conversation. The perfect festival partner turned out to be a perfect partner as well—over the past ten years, he has helped me grow and be proud of myself.

‘Weekend’ (2011)

We moved in together in the fifth year of our relationship. Right above our bed hangs a poster of Andrew Haigh’s Weekend (2011). At the time we saw it, it was just another film that we watched together and liked—no significance, no symbolism. It is the story of two young men, Russell and Glen, who are fascinated by the connection they find between each other, and are surprised how their one-night-stand evolved into the perfect weekend. When Glen reveals that he will be leaving for another country the very next day, it only makes their connection stronger, and their time together more precious. Being a timid and socially anxious person, none of my romantic relationships or my friendships had formed this organically. Even my first date with my partner was a disaster. We built what we have now over time, slowly and patiently. I did not believe in ‘weekends’.

And yet, one summer night, we met a guy on Grindr, as we occasionally did. What we thought was just another one night stand was in fact a transformative experience for us both. Intense conversation, a triple connection, the drinks we enjoyed instead of hurrying to bed, and the passionate sex turned that casual one-night-stand into a magical reality for us. We realized that we still had feelings and instincts to discover in ourselves and in each other. Over a week-long, unexpected, unpredictable polyamorous fling, we learned to act as one instead of two—only to find out that he was leaving for another country the very next week. This was our ‘weekend’.

‘Hamam’ (Steam: The Turkish Bath, 1997)

Thinking how LGBTQ+ films of other cultures and languages had played a significant role in some precious, threshold-crossing moments of my life, it was alienating not being able to feel embraced and represented openly in Turkish cinema. There were certainly multiple Turkish LGBTQ+ films or characters, but they were in films addressing more urgent issues—right to live, violence against LGBTQ+ individuals, honor murders, trans murders—rather than the nuanced experience of queer love.

Although I discovered it years after it was released, Italian-Turkish director Ferzan Özpetek’s Hamam (Steam: The Turkish Bath, 1997) was a mind-blowing experience for me. The relationship, and the sexual tension, between Francesco, the Italian heir to a building with a Turkish bath in it, and Mehmet, the young son of the family managing the compound, felt much closer to my story and my cultural, familial identity.

Aşk, Büyü vs. (Love, Spells and All That, 2019)

Today, I am glad to see more and more filmmakers finding the courage to maintain the LGBTQ+ narrative in Turkish cinema, despite the oppressive, intolerant and exclusionary policies. Some are telling the youthful, urban stories I was longing for at the time: In Leyla Yılmaz’s Bilmemek (Not Knowing, 2019), Umut, a high-school athlete from a middle-class family in Istanbul, is bullied by his so-called modern and open-minded teammates after not replying to a query about whether he is gay or not. In Ümit Ünal’s Aşk, Büyü vs. (Love, Spells and All That, 2019), Eren and Reyhan, two adult women reunite in the magical atmosphere of The Princes’ Islands on the Istanbul coast, decades after they were forcefully separated by their parents.

The story of me coming out to myself all started with an urge to escape reality through cinema, and on the way, I found films that gave meaning to my muddled existence. When I saw Levan Akin’s And Then We Danced (2019), I smiled as I noticed the Spirited Away poster in Merab’s room; this minor detail another reminder that I was not alone. Merab, a gay dancer who is part of a very traditional and conservative Georgian dance company, was dealing with similar challenges in his life. He was trying to discover his true identity in a society that does not celebrate being different. He was too, finding an escape in cinema.

Coming out was hard. It still is. A recent Instagram post by the 27-year-old actor Connor Jessup, who came out as gay two years ago, reminded me coming out is not a single moment, but a never-ending process, a ‘becoming’. He writes, “When I first came out, a friend wrote to me and said, ‘Now you can really start coming out.’ Start? I thought. I just did it. But he was right. […] I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to keep looking.”

I keep trying, and looking. Learning about myself, my identity, my relationship. And LGBTQ+ films keep helping and inspiring me, just as they did in my journey to accept myself and become the person I am today. This is the power of cinema; unconsciously, you see your past, actuality and possibilities through the stories filmmakers tell. And I am so grateful to these filmmakers.

Related content

The Ten Greatest Turkish Films of All Time, according to the Turkish Film Critics’ Association

Emre’s Favorite LGBTQ+ Films: a personal top 50

Queer Films in Turkish Cinema—a list by Atakan

The Top 100 Turkish Movies of the 21st Century: Emre’s personal favorites

#letterboxd #pride #pride 2021 #lgbtqia cinema #lgbt film #turkish cinema #turkish film #queer cinema #coming out #jean marc vallée

[faemytho]

lust sans belongs in the bad gays group and here's three reasons why (with evidence) ((NOT CLICKBAIT))

ok i lied about the evidence but listen. i have thoughts and feelings about this and you all get to be dragged along. this is a long post.

DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE HEADCANONS. i do base many of my headcanons off of their canons, but i am not proclaiming anything to be canon or not since none of these characters belong to me; i am just having fun with them.

1.) lust is an outcast among the multiverse sanses - this is due to a cultural underlust thing, NOT a "sexual purity" thing because we do Not stan that here

the story of underlust is one of underpopulation and a continuous aphrodisiac heat curse. due to this, i'd bet MONEY that the underlust culture is wildly different than any of the other AUs. we're talking more solitary lives (less people around; more people alone, leads to loneliness and the NEED to be around someone, not even counting the heat curse), we're talking frequent hookups on the spot being considered normal, we're talking people who probably have very different ways to interpret social cues - aka, interpreting implied consent (which is a real thing and a huge problem in some places).

and i bet u that because of this, lust ACCIDENTALLY comes onto a lot of his alternate selves without realizing because his culture is so so different than theirs.

he's avoided because of this. he's an outcast. he makes them uncomfortable, even though he doesn't try to. he knows they're uncomfortable around him, but he doesn't know how to fix it.

this is where nightmare comes in.

2.) nightmare takes in those who are shunned (like he was), and lust is no exception.

for fucks sake y'all, his freaking NAME is "lust". i bet you he didn't even pick it out - could you imagine being named after something so normal in your culture, something you had no control over, just because it's not like that in other cultures? that'd be like naming horror "cannibalism".

imo, him getting named "lust" was literally just another way to shun and isolate him from the other multiversal sanses.

and nightmare knows what it's like to be shunned by everyone around you for something you can't control. big headcanon is that that's the reason why he takes in so many of the "bad" sanses in the first place.

3.) he would 100% fit right in

"how the fuck would sexy man fit in with the murderers??" well i will tell you one thing they have nothing to do with each other so you can put your poor little sexual purity mindset to rest and also get it out of here bc again we do not vibe with that

let me lay it out for you

horror comes from an AU where resources are dwindling. food is scarce, people are succumbing to cannibalism madness, it's messy and horrible and the culture of horrortale is a lot different than any other AU. horror would definitely understand lust's situation the most - he's shunned for similar reasons.

cross comes from an AU where he's one of many royal guards. im sure u all keep up with xtale and underverse, but lets say that in this, the events of underverse never happened after X. he's not so much culturally different as he is traumatized - he just lost his whole family and his entire AU, he's forcibly joined to a vengeance seeking spirit who he thinks is power-hungry and insane (xchara), and after X and before meeting Ink, he's practically hopeless. a perfect magnet for nightmare to find him. nightmare offers him safety and peace, and cross, tired of it all, agrees. the x-event never comes to pass. ((i'm laying all this out because i often see cross included in the bad squad with no explanation @ underverse, so this is how i figure it goes - underverse just never happens in these timelines))

ANYWAYS cross is traumatized, and though i think he and lust would be rocky at first, they'd eventually get along and understand each other; they'd just need some time to do that.

dust is from a timeline where chara commits genocide run after genocide run, and dust is driven to kill everyone in an attempt to beat chara - this leaves him in an empty world with a guilt formed hallucination of his brother. he is Also traumatized. i feel like he and lust would get along; the lack of feeling like there was any other choice is probably a huge thing that helps them connect.

killer is from a timeline similar to dust's, except instead of fighting against chara, killer joins chara after what are probably years of them resetting and asking him to join them. killer is traumatized, he's a bit not right in the head, but with chara out of the way and him with nightmare, i feel like he's pretty chill, a lot like his old self. i feel like he'd see lust and they'd honestly be best friends - they both have the same sort of laid back attitude. they'd fit like puzzle pieces.

error is a quirky, stupid little man baby with way too much power. nightmare didn't take him in; error just showed up one day and the bad gays simply got used to him showing up - i bet there was at least one point where error showed up, killer proclaimed that cross had gotten error "some of that chocolate shit he likes" and error immediately bolted to cross and held out his hands (and yeah, cross did get extra just for the next time error showed up). i think error and lust would honestly clash the most, what with lust's culture being "overly touchy" and error's blatant fear of touch. once lust realizes he can't do that kinda stuff with error though, they'd definitely be able to get along. lust probably bribes error with gifts and shit.

and finally, nightmare. i feel like they'd get along from the start; lust has a penchant for dramatics and nightmare's open to new ideas. lust and nightmare bonding over being absolute queens is something i will never let go of.

im saying that because they're all outcasts, they all figure they better stick together, and lust would fit right in with them.

then they help lust pick out a different name for himself and they all decide on "hearts" for him and then they all Kiss

#bad gays poly #sanscest #utmv #lust sans #nightmare sans #horror sans #cross sans #dust sans #killer sans #error sans #fae's headcanons #listen im just saying. hearts deserves it.

[adamsvanrhijn]

@thismoleculeisacomedian

wait what is your opinion? Do you think he hated himself for being gay? (I disagree w/ that viewpoint, but would like to understand what it is & where it comes from.)

I definitely don't think Thomas hates himself for being gay — at any point in the series. I also don't think he ever moves away, internally, from "I am not the same as you, but I am not foul". I have seen people say that what happens in S5 is an indication of that and I completely disagree.

However.

I do think Thomas has low self-esteem for essentially the duration of the series, and I think he experiences self-hatred that is complicated by the fact that he is gay, surrounded by homophobia, and almost certainly a victim of complex trauma (also related to homophobia).

Thomas is confident in one thing over the course of the entire series, and this is his exceptional competence at work. He recognizes his own worth and takes pride in his actual value, which I think he actually sees very objectively. (Facebook moms, etc, do not agree with me here.) Wherever possible he makes himself indispensable, and it is in my opinion literally something he clings to as a reason to live.

(I also think he cares deeply about and, until S2/S3, has confidence in, his physical appearance. But that is a different piece.)

One of his most basic psychological needs is to be needed, and as part of this, to be contributing to something larger than him and to be essential to its functioning.

Literally in the very first episode of the entire series, we see that he is recognizing he may not have a place at Downton at all, and if he does, it isn't a place where he is valued and appreciated. This is a psychological threat—time and time again after this, we see him start to lose his head at the idea of instability.

How does he react?

By trying to make himself necessary elsewhere.

The amount of birds he is trying to get with one stone—

Give something that is necessary & desired to a man he loves

Resolve an issue at his workplace (I don't think he thought about this much but I do think it would have crossed his mind)

Escape a place he is not valued

Move upward in his current social hierarchy (domestic service)

To a job he is skilled at and enjoys

The job itself is providing essential service to the life & functioning of another human person

That human person is his lover, thereby fulfilling a different emotional need (his and said lover's)

And even when he is almost certainly set on running off into the sunset with the Duke, he still jumps at the chance to prove his worth when Bates goes, because that's just how he functions.

Like, in terms of the relationship specifically, he is trying to solve the financial problems of the Duke's estate AND become the person responsible for his daily care & keeping AND establish a safe way for them to be lovers For Ever And Ever—where he can then emotionally & sexually fulfill him on top of the physical, mental, financial and societal (having a valet as social status but also as the person who arranges pretty much everything for you and keeps you up with appearances) and needs he would be meeting.

CLINGY MUCH?

And then as soon as it starts going south his tactic is:

Look at how bad I want it

Look at how good of a valet I am

(You promised!)

Look at how good of a lover I am

Look at how much I know & care about you

Except then—

{clear internal chaos}

I do not care about this in terms of you at all, your needs never meant anything to me, this was just about me and I'm not the vulnerable one here, you are

But what is blackmail?

Blackmail is when you threaten another person with exposure of private/secret information to get something out of them.

The idea is that the victim will fear losing social standing or facing legal consequences enough to provide whatever that something is—and it can leave long-lasting damage regardless of the length of the extortion itself, because the victim has a psychological, and it follows, social & physical need, to maintain their current life sans embarrassment or like, a criminal record. Even a threat itself that cannot be carried out is damaging, because it makes the victim aware of the possibility.

The victim has to rely on and trust the blackmailer (that they will keep their word) while also fulfilling their own demands. Indefinitely, or even like, forever. Control freak much? Etc.

"smithensy when the fuck are you answering the actual question" PROBABLY NEVER

It's also a common event with relationships resembling theirs, so it's bound to be the first thing to come to mind! And he came up with it in the moment and clearly regretted it like, immediately!

Absolutely! Agree!

...except that he does it again.

And then again.

The second time, he is actually reluctant! He knows in what way he has been trusted and he knows what need he is fulfiing! And he really doesn't want to break that trust and stop fulfilling that need, even though his own needs have been intentionally torn to shreds!

But the next time he does it it is intentional. It is not split second and it is not against someone who has severely harmed him and brought the threat of ruin over his head. He takes it really fucking seriously, to the point of neuroticism, and he constantly reminds that person that she needs him—and although Baxter has to be liked for his requirement to stay in the know, I think there is also a vicarious element. He is giving her everything she needs to become indispensable. He's doing it while also holding the one thing that could ruin it over her head, yes, but he is also using her as like, a way of validating his own understanding of the house and who lives in it and what they require.

Anyway.

There are many points in his arc in the series where someone prone to depression and suicidality could be driven to attempt suicide. I can think of like, five off the top of my head.

But when he does, the breaking point is that he sees himself as unvalued and unnecessary—in essentially every area of his life, but especially his job and industry, which as above is really the only thing he never wavers in.

And he still doesn't waver in the work itself, necessarily. His problem is not that he is no longer skilled at his work, or that he can't meet his own expectations. It's that the job itself is surplus. It doesn't matter how good he is anymore; it doesn't matter how perfect he is. He has no control over it and it is the final straw for someone who has been fighting for scraps of agency for his entire life and only managing to have them through self-harm (see series 2).

I do not think Thomas sees himself as Enough. That is why he strives for perfection—if he is Good, and Skilled, and Talented, and he is needed, that is almost like being loved.

And by working his ass off and keeping the expectations of others around him low, forcing a poor opinion of himself, he is putting himself in a position where even if he isn't able to give it his all, his 70% or 60% or 40% is still better than what all these other people are capable of at 110%, so even if he is disliked and looked down upon and nobody wants him around, well, they have to keep him anyway because he is That Good and things will fall apart without him—

—and if it doesn't work and he has to go well then at least they'll be sorry when everything is ruined and he is irreplacable!

Aaaaaand he's thrusting himself into isolation and shooting himself in the foot.

The self-hatred piece is knowing that no matter what he does he will not be Enough, that there is just something missing. One piece is out of his control but he can never successfully work around it, so he can never have what he wants. The lack of success is what is driving the inward resentment. He has a lot of regret and guilt and he blames himself for every single action he takes that results even slightly in a loss of dignity. Again we see this in the first episode but also, like, the entirety of series 2, 3, 5 and 6 have this thread weaving in and out. When being mean and externalizing his blame doesn't work or make him feel better he turns it around.

The S5 plotline is more to do with having something than getting rid of something. If he can just have this one thing it will make everything else go away; it is the key to Being Enough.

And then in the cottage hospital he is immediately lashing out at and blaming himself for bothering to want that, let alone to try it.

Baxter is right, though! His tolerance for pain and suffering in the pursuit of fulfilling his own needs is extremely high and he seems determined to push it.

People who have lots of self-love and self-respect do not constantly punish themselves.

I have been writing this post for two hours and I don't think it makes much sense. I am going to make dinner now.

#downton abbey tag #thomas barrow posting tag

[watchinglikeafangirl]

The way they handled Type’s trauma

I thought I would never come to the taste of thinking about TharnType ever again but here we are. Whose fault is that? The peaceful nature’s. How dare it let my thoughts wander and why bring up TharnType all of a sudden, brain?

I think I don’t have to tell anyone here what a f***ed up show TharnType was and why I mainly wanted to forget about it, but we’re going to dig a little bit deeper into one of the aspects that made this show so unlogical and showed its inconcistency: the way Type’s childhood trauma was handled. The inconsistency concerning that aspect mostly shows during the second season because that’s when it all went down to sh*t. I still think - though I’m not proud to say this - TharnType season one was a guilty pleasure. Yes, they are toxic and the end fight was really something else, but I somehow found it enjoyable enough to keep at it. I was at least a bit invested and I have to give Tee (the director) all the credits for that because I believe it’s totally on him that the show was watchable. The story was garbage from the very beginning but at least he made it work. It didn’t look that bad any more - not until you sat down and reminisced about the plot, but that’s not his fault. Tee totally nailed it with “Lovely Writer”, so yes, directors have a lot to say and when they changed directors for season two, the endproduct made me wanna run away from my phone. I don’t even know why I kept watching. I guess because it was an internet joke to do so. Just like the people still watching Riverdale: because it’s so bad, it’s nearly not funny any more but somehow compelling.

season one

This season starts off with a very important piece of information of Type: he is homophobic. We don’t get a real reason for a long time because he didn’t really bring up arguments against homosexuality. He was just against queer people, period. It takes a while before Type opens up to Tharn about why he is so afraid of homosexual men explicitly. Until then, there’s a lot of weird, uncomfortable sexual tension between them with Tharn basically dragging Type against a wall or something, so he can’t escape him. Yeah, this toxicness of their relationship is a different topic...

To be honest, I didn’t expect Type’s reason to be that shocking. I had tears in my eyes when he talked about being molested as a child because this is just something one doesn’t expect. It’s such an aweful action and experience, I can’t imagine. So, yeah, the reason for his fear of gay men comes from this childhood trauma and it literally explains everything.

He had nightmares of that day. He was obviously scared of his feelings because in his head that would mean being like his molester. And he didn’t want to be the center of someone’s attention again since his family pressed charges after he was molested. Actually, the reason why Type was  so violent the whole time was to make others stay away from him, so he won’t ever be the talk of town again. If you’re untouchable nobody dares to try, so you live isolated from the world. It’s some sort of self-protection. It goes that far that he rejects gay men to have anything to do with him. He only met one homosexual up until this point at that meeting was traumatizing, so it makes sense for his character to be scared, to be hauted by that fear. But since Tharn is pretty needy, Type can’t escape him. His self-protection still kicks in because later, he refuses to define himself as gay. Being gay would mean being like his molester or at least, share something with him which is a terrifying thought.

The scene when Type tells Tharn about his horrible life experience, it was probably the most touching scene of the whole show and no other scene follows on this list. No, their break-up doesn’t count for me because I giggled the whole time because of the acting lmao. Sorry but no. Anyway, that scene indeed was touching and I was really shocked. The way Tharn then stops Type from telling any more felt realistic and this whole situation was very private. Just two people getting to know each other deeper. And all the ugly things included.

But - there’s always a but with TharnType - after the confession, nobody seems to care any more. It’s like letting the audience know was the missio here and it’s accomplished now, so let’s move on. Let’s not discuss how much it still affects Type. In fact, let him look like a total a**hole and a bully. Tharn is not more gentle with Type, pushes him even more into telling others though Type needs to sort his struggles out alone first. But then, Type doesn’t give a damn as well and they don’t talk about this topic again. Then, their relationship is more important.

Later this season, Type’s dad even nealy makes a joke about the whole trauma and I find that a bit disturbing. But again, Type is not touched by it. It seems like he doesn’t remember it, like this information was never given to us. It’s very odd but okay. The fight with Llong took more time though it was played out in a very boring way.

season two

Okay, season one was fine compared to this aweful masterpiece called “TharnType: 7 years of love”. It’s been seven years and the relationship didn’t make ANY progress. Type still hasn’t outed himself to the world and they are still jealous of women. So much inconsistency, it hurts. But let me just continue talking only about Type’s trauma because season two just walked over it.

In the beginning, Type’s behavior still mirrors that trauma. It is still visible because he doesn’t tell anyone about his boss keeping an eye on him. Why is that? Because he is again the victim of harassment and is too afraid to admit it, even to himself, because that would mean casting attention onto him. He can’t let this fear of events repeating go, he can’t shake it off. It’s again his self-protection to not let bad memories get ahead of him and mess with his thoughts. Labeling something as harassment might cause his nightmares to return because a trauma doesn’t leave your mind entirely. The bad night and days turn into bad moments but it still returns to you over and over again, but Tharn seems to have forgotten that. He seems to have forgotten his partner he shares a bed with gets heavy nightmares whenever he feels pressured. Tharn continues pushing Type to marriage and talking more about the stress at work. He doesn’t care because Tharn is selfish just like Type. The trust issues surrounding their relationship are ridicolous. Seven years for god’s sake!

Well that is that. I just wanted to point out Type’s trauma is still visibly sticking to him. But this season turns around completely with the whole Fiat kidnapping. That’s the moment when things stop to make sense entirely because Type seems to have forgotten everything about his trauma. He comes up with the plan to kidnap Fiat, forcing someone with a boyfriend to flirt with him, lets Leo watch all of this whilst feeling like the smartest person in the room. But man, did you forget you’re making Fiat the victim of abusement, just like you are one?! Why the hell did he do that? To punish Fiat? It freaking looks like he’s about to r*pe him! Shouldn’t Type know from personal experience how much such events affect a person? Fiat must’ve felt weak, scared - more like terrified - and helpless. It leaves a scar Type can tell a story about but he forgot. He forgot that with doing this, he’s not much better than his molester which would’ve originally been a no-go for him but I guess, he reached his lowest point here and there's no turning back. He doesn't seem to regret it anytime later because he doesn't even tell Tharn...

conclusion

It's is obvious the card of the trauma is only played when they have no other idea of explaining situations. The characters constantly forget about it until it's important again which shows exactly, the writers didn't care enough. Or MAME didn't care enough which she would set me on fire for but teh inconsistency is undenieable. It seems like it wasn't the original plan to give Type a tragic background but the story was too boring without it but some scenes wouldn't've worked normally because of the trauma. Type would never have kidnapped Fiat! But who am I telling this? You already know...

Yeah well, I guess we can agree season one at least knew what it was and tried to work with that and season two just totally lost its purpose.

#just know i read summaries to write this #it gave me a headache lmao #the story is so bad #i can't #tharntype #mewgulf

[orionsangel86]

Hey Everyone,

As you have probably noticed, I have neglected this blog for a long time now. I haven’t been on any fandom related social media at all actually. But I figured since I am currently in a good mindset, I want to write a post just outlining some things which basically boils down to a goodbye letter to Supernatural fandom.

Long rambling post below the cut...

This year (and the last) has just taken it out of me in terms of general negativity online both in fandom and in the real world. At first I got tired of fandom (mostly because Twitter is a cesspool of policing and bullying) and then I got tired of everything else (the world sucks right now, and my mental health basically stopped me from being able to participate in any form of online activism – just because I’m not blogging about something, doesn’t mean I don’t support the cause ya know?). Earlier this year, right around the time of the UK lockdowns, I had surgery and a recovery period in which I spent a lot of time with family, and just reacquainted myself with the real world. I think perhaps the coronavirus pandemic made me realise that long before lockdown began I had already been isolating myself from my real life and diving further and further into an online black hole.

It was years in the making. Supernatural fandom preoccupied my thoughts for such a long period of time it got to the point where every moment of my non working time seemed to be spent either online scrolling my tumblr dash or twitter feed, or reading fanfic or doing something fandom related. I invested so much of myself into this show and fandom that I think I forgot who I was before I was a Supernatural fan completely.

After my wake up call in late 2019, which lead me to break free from an extremely nasty clique, I have tried to re-enter fandom on my own terms, as well as attempt to enjoy the source material and the fandom creations to ignite some new spark of love and interest in the show. Yet as much as I have tried, I have failed to do so.

I was thinking recently about someone I used to follow years ago before I ever created a blog. When I was still just lurking in the tumblr shadows and followed the likes of Mittens, Lizbob, and other meta writers of the period, there was a blogger whose name I can’t remember but she was the funniest blogger I had come across. But when the show killed off Charlie Bradbury, she quit. I had never even interacted with her, as I was barely getting my blog started at the time, but I’ll never forget a post she wrote about her feelings on the show. She had recently started watching something else (I think it was Sense8 but can’t recall entirely), and that this new show had given her everything she had never thought she could have from her fave before. She wrote about how her relationship with Supernatural had become abusive. That for years the writers of Supernatural continued to throw punches at fans like her – women, LGBTQ+ people, people of colour, and yet she continued to give it all her time and attention, brushing off the punches because she was so damn devoted to the characters. Then this new show had come along, and it was like she had seen the light. The killing of Charlie Bradbury was the last straw, and she dumped Supernatural’s ass and fled into the arms of her new love.

I hope she is doing fantastically today.

What she wrote has resonated with me for years. I was a fairly new Supernatural fan at the time, and therefore didn’t really understand what she meant. A TV show can’t be abusive. Can it?

Of course, we are speaking in metaphor here, and in no way are these metaphors meant to reduce or limit the truly serious situation of actual abusive relationships, but every now and then, when a new episode of Supernatural has left me feeling upset, disappointed, frustrated and grossly let down, in some cases affecting my mood for days at a time, and therefore my mental health. I have thought back to those words she wrote and quietly agreed with them in my head. Yes. This is a metaphorically abusive relationship.

When I discovered earlier this year that Castiel was most likely going to be killed off in some sort of bullshit self sacrifice before the end of the show, I was extremely distressed. When I found out that my favourite person of all time Misha Collins, supported this ending for Castiel, and may have even been the one who pushed for it, I was more than distressed, I felt betrayed by the person I cared about most. I’ll admit to you all now that in my weakest moments I have fantasized about standing in front of Misha and screaming at him exactly just what kind of affect his “ideal ending” for Castiel will have on his fanbase, on their mental health, and potentially their own safety. This fantasy has me guilt tripping him and doing everything in my power to make him feel utterly shit about the decision. I know what you are thinking – don’t blame Misha, the guy has his own problems and we all know he projects his own self esteem issues onto Cas – and yes, I know this, like I said its only a fantasy to get me through my darkest moments. I don’t hate Misha at all. But perhaps I do love him a little less nowadays than I did back at the height of my fandom life. That’s at least still a little bit more than my feelings for Jensen and Jared which now I can only describe as complete indifference.

I am admitting all of this now knowing full well it will ignite shock and anger among the more die hard fans of J2M, to explain why I need to just leave this fandom completely, or more accurately, why I have already left fandom.

Over the past 10 months of 2020, I have watched a lot of TV (there isn’t much else to do during a lockdown when you are on crutches with your foot in a cast!) and the one thought that occurred to me over and over again was “this show is so much better than Supernatural”.

I kept comparing everything I watched, from the quality of the scripts, the actors, the special effects, to the inclusiveness of the shows. Just so many beautiful and interesting stories that seem to understand their audience, and understand how to entertain and impress without resorting to cringe humour, outdated jokes, and prejudice, not to mention misogyny and queerbaiting – yup, I said it.

The thing is, I think these thoughts have been creeping over me slowly for longer than just this year, but I have been desperately batting them away the way Dean Winchester bats away his own gay thoughts. Unlike Dean though, eventually I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I cannot continue to carve out space in my own soul for this show, which incessantly beats me down regardless of my devotion. The creators, the network, the writers, and sometimes even the cast, have all shown that they don’t care about me as a fan. I’m not some gun toting dudebro living in middle America, so why should they give a damn about me? I’m clearly not their target audience, nor have I ever been.

I know many of you will vehemently deny my personal opinion of Supernatural now. That is absolutely fine. I am sorry to be admitting it, but I had to. I feel like once I finally write out these words, I have got it off my chest and can close and lock the door on Supernatural for good.

Without Supernatural, I am able to focus on my real life, I am able to find pleasure in other things, new things, interesting things, that bring me joy and joy alone – not disappointment and frustration. I found a new job this year, which has been a huge accomplishment as I was stagnating in my old one, and several new hobbies under my belt. I moved to a new flat, I have a lovely flatmate who has been a godsend throughout lockdown, and I have rekindled friendships that I was neglecting due to my Supernatural obsession.

All in all, I am finding post-Supernatural life far more rewarding and content than my life in fandom. It has taken me a while, but I am over the show. And whilst I will always hold a special place in my heart for Castiel, it will be as I know him in my own mind; as the wonderful, strong, powerful and determined angel with a soul, who loves so strongly, and who is worth so much more than his own creators give him credit for. He is up there with Aziraphale and Crowley, with The Doctor, and Buffy, as one of the greatest characters of all time.  

So the Supernatural writers and creators can take whatever ending they have decided upon, and shove it up their asses. I am sorry to say that Sam and Dean Winchester are also lost to me. Any love I had for them was destroyed by their later season depictions. Castiel alone is the only character worthy of that space in my heart now. If in time he longs for a companion, I will find one for him, but it won’t be the Dean Winchester of the canon show. Canon Dean hasn’t been deserving of Cas for a long time now.

Perhaps I am still a little bitter about the ending. Perhaps the finale won’t be the disaster I expect it to be, perhaps Dabb will somehow turn it all around last minute following whatever travesty Bucklemming have given us in 15x19. Either way, I won’t be watching.

So this is me saying goodbye to this blog, at least until I have decided what else to do with it. It certainly won’t be a Supernatural fandom blog anymore. It wasn’t all wasted though. I did get a wonderful friendship group out of this fandom, and I have certainly expanded my knowledge of film and television analysis, as well as having enjoyed a great many memes.

I guess in the end, my internal war with my inner bitter Cas girl finished with her winning, and writing this post. Once it is posted however, I will put her to sleep with thoughts of a happy Castiel, who has swapped his wings for a beating human heart, and is living on a beach somewhere beautiful, refurbishing an old Victorian house, and greeting his kindly elderly neighbours. There’s a gay bar on the main strip, and the bartender is quite a dish. Green eyes and light brown hair with a killer smile. Castiel thinks he looks familiar, like a memory from a past life, but they’ve definitely never met, because this man is kind.

Now that she is asleep, there is nothing left for me here. Goodbye everyone. Whether you manage to enjoy the finale or not, I truly hope you too, find your peace.

#personal #a goodbye message to fandom