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#self love

Self Love Spell Bottle. 🥀

{ Contents: }

~ Rose Petals

~ Rose Quartz

~ Lapis Lazuli

~ Bay Leaves

~ Nutmeg

~ Himalayan Pink Salt

~ Spell Scroll { original spell written & cast by me }

~ Lavender Essential Oil

~ Lavender & Rose Incense

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Note to whoever may need this including myself

Seperate yourself from your relationships every now and then. We tend to put so much energy in our relationships whether it’s romantic or platonic that we tend to forget about ourselves. This is just a reminder to take a break and do something for yourself today. Do something you like to do and don’t forget to listen to some music that puts you in the best mood. This reminder is a important one we tend to lose ourselves in relationships that we forget to take care of ourselves mentally and all our energy goes towards making our loved ones feel enough even when we don’t feel our very best. Take some time, inhale the good, exhale the bad. You are enough, you are loved, YOU MATTER! Let me add that distancing yourself from others every now and then is okay. Take your time to reflect and do things you enjoy. You need that to heal and to feel whatever you haven’t taken the time to feel for yourself. Make sure to make time for your mental health care because your peace of mind is the most important and will help life flow much better for you. Do not let your anxieties make you feel small or worthless because you are bigger than all the negative feelings and worries that flood your brain. Also, thank you for always putting others before yourself but this post is a reminder it’s time to put yourself first. Make sure to love yourself today and radiate all the beauty you hold within. Your worries and fears are just thoughts they do not define you so please do not let those thoughts control you. You will be okay. you are enough. You are loved. You are vibrant. Here’s a reminder you are so much more. Take all the time you need just don’t ever give up on yourself. Lastly don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve!

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The ever so lovely @video-store-clerk tagged me for selfies! I am all too happy to oblige rn, feelin myself with this new hair. 💜

Also in love with my hellbunny dress (christmas present hint for anyone who would wanna 😉🎅🏻)!!

Tagging! @liftingweights-and-coffeedates @akomwtofit @fatmaninalittlesuit @kayimworking @3335 @johnnyfellows @maddigans @pizz4-andsqu4ts @sternenblumen @wolfaxce (without pressure!) 💜💜

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spoiler alert: yes, it is. but the road to getting there isn’t always perfect and linear and smooth.

basically, i developed EDNOS at age 12 (mainly restrictive eating behavior, no bingeing & purging), became underweight, went to outpatient treatment for 5 months, got weight restored, battled relapse and losing weight vs recovery and gaining it back from ages 14-18, and ended up where i am now, age 20 and 95 lbs heavier than i was at age 13 but happier than i’ve ever been in my whole life with my body and myself.

now the whole story is long and winding and it took a lot of battles, and a lot of losing battles, so let me tell you:

your worth is not tied to your weight in any way, shape, or form.

i am almost double the weight I was at 13. but I am still an artist. still a writer. i like to sing. i like to dance. i paint, i journal, i work and go to school. i am a friend, a daughter, a cousin, a loving person with immense amounts of passion and creativity. not for a second did my weight have anything to do with all the great things about me. don’t get caught up thinking that losing weight will make you any better. it really is nowhere near the truth.

so what does full recovery look like you say?

in short, it is being flexible to fullest extent with whatever life throws at you. there is no perfect way to be in anything, recovery is no different. sometimes you’re going to overindulge in something, and guess what? you move on. you don’t feel guilty. you don’t compensate. sometimes you’re going to leave a meal feeling unsatisfied, or still hungry. sometimes you don’t have time to make the perfect healthy meals you think you should eat (but actually there is nothing you should or shouldn’t eat). sometimes your friends want to get starbucks and you get what you want, not what has the least calories or fat or carbs or whatever. you give up all those feelings of guilt that tie food and weight to your worth as a person because the voice in your head is wrong. you learned it and it is completely possible to unlearn it. i did.

it takes time.

it takes work.

but i went from telling myself i was going to kill myself if i ever reached x weight to reaching that weight and learning to love myself more than i ever did when i was underweight.

it. is. possible. do not give up on yourself! you are worth it in ways you can’t see yet. but i promise it is possible, and the most worth it thing you could ever do for yourself.

it’s like i never had an eating disorder most of the time. that’s full recovery. it’s not perfect because nothing is ever meant to be perfect. but i’m happier now. it. is. possible.

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I can imagine what you thought as soon as you saw a post from me… “where this girl been?!”

Imagine what my thoughts were… “where this girl been?!”

Excuses… I have none… at least none different than the rest of the world in regards to 2020.

Needless to say this year has been a mixed bag of emotions and an unexpected bag of events. I definitely was not ready for anything that was coming, but I think I did my best to maneuver these obstacles the best way I knew how.

Some things suffered, other things flourished… now I’m in the phase after the storm, settling into new norms and new chapters, waiting for next steps that are soon coming but pending.

Adulting… is not fun as is let’s just start there… but adulting during 2020 has been ridiculous.

I’m 29 now… there was a lot leading up to my birthday and getting closer to 30 and then, yes, as I acknowledged before I went a little ghost.

Long story short… I lost my desire to put my thoughts out there for the world to see. It grew tiresome having people think they could be in my life by reading my words and not wanting to actually speak to me. You know… experience my life from a far and still think they were owed a place in it.

And I know some of these people are going to text and/or call me asking if I’m talking about them… I have no desire to have that convo so… let’s just not go there because I’m not entertaining those conversations.

After taking a break, in an attempt to refocus on myself and figure out what the heck I’m actually doing in life everything else fell apart… my living situation got crazy, basement flooded, tree fell on the roof, and somebody broke into my house… for those of you that were looking for me, I was working through that for 3 months.

Matter fact let’s take a break and discuss that last part… some fool broke into our house! And clearly he wasn’t smart, I mean, we caught him on camera but the police wouldn’t do anything about it… Covid made it a little hard on top of pre-existing lack of response since the robber was wearing a mask (oh Covid, you are a wonderful excuse for anyone this year). Anyway, after ineffectively raiding through some belongs and opening all of the doors in the house, he walked out of our front door with my 55” TV on his shoulder strolling down the street in the same direction the cops appeared from 3 minutes later.

This idiot took the TV but took the cable remote LOL… not a funny situation but the more we sat on it the more entertaining it actually became.

Well, after all of that, we sold the house and, although I know so many people don’t feel like I was homeless because I had somewhere to go, I was a little “displaced” for about a month.

As I explained before, I was in the middle of a house search, but all of this happened so fast. In my mind purchasing my own home before 30 had to be the next because what else is there, right? So, I was really trying to make that happen when the opportunity to work from Barbados presented itself, so that then became the plan, but life works in mysterious ways apparently, so, that quickly fell through the gaps and I was left with a decision… keep struggling with this program (that I will keep nameless) to purchase a home and possibly not find one for 3 more years or get an apartment.

Needless to say… this blog post after five months of silence is coming from my new apartment!

External image

I wasn’t ready for the turns I had to make this year, but I know I had to endure them to make it here.

There were a bunch of other little things going on in the midst of all of that, and a few exciting opportunities that have been placed in my path for reality in the near future sooooooo… more updates to come definitely, lol.

Please understand my absence, and accept my humanity. Adulting is already hard, and then the universe threw 2020 in the mix, LOL, what can I say… I needed a break.

I’ve been on an amazing anime kick throughout the pandemic, however, and oh my gosh! Lovecraft Country just made my life! I want to write and share with the world what’s going on with me… sometimes, lol. I’m working my way back to my passion and walking my path to the next chapter of me… can’t wait to see who she is!

But I hope you all never forget to stay D.O.P.E. in my absence and are excited for the new journey just as much as I am! 2020 won’t beat us!

Sidebar… pushing me to get back to writing was needed, I’m appreciative for the support and encouragement, thank you :). I may be looking into some new ways to share in the future we’ll see lol.

Be D.O.P.E.

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One of my favorite things about social media is that we get to discover wonderful artists, writers, and creators of all kinds.

I have found so many beautiful things amid the chaos. It’s like a light in the dark some days.

Thank you all for sharing your work. It means more than you know. ❤️❤️❤️

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