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#self-portrait

I’ve had a bit of a rough day, largely due to personal/family things going on, but here I am smiling and it’s a good reminder of how joy often pops up in unexpected places.

I certainly hope it does for you. 

quickienewyork
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(Chinese below)

I kept listening to Sasha Sloan’s previous EP on the way back to dorm yesterday. As an introvert, her songs reflected part of my daily life and those I didn’t know how to express.

Since I was a child, my mom tried her best to make me believe all the bright sides of the world. I did, yet not happy enough. I was full of anxiety and embarrassment that not being like “normal” children, teenagers, and later on, normal adults. It might come from the loneliness of being only child, or having an alcoholic pop. I somehow became me, perfectly vulnerable. I hate this part of me, but that’s also the best version I can present.

“Lied to my doctor, she knew I was fakin’. Gave me some pills, but I’m too scared to take ‘em.” While the lyrics hit my mind, I thought, what on earth made her afraid of taking the pills? Because the pills so many that may die, or, she’s scared of being awake?


昨天在回宿舍的路上,我一路聽著Sasha Sloan的歌。身為一個內向者,她的歌曲反應了很大部分的我的生活,以及那些我不知該如何表達出來的情感。

從小母親就想盡辦法灌注我正向力,要我相信這世界還是美好的。事實是,我相信,但這種相信無法讓我變得快樂。無法像普通的孩子、青少年、甚至是成年人那樣活著,讓我產生了極大的焦慮感。我曾想過,那可能來自獨生子女對於這個世界的疏離感,也可能是酗酒的父親導致的,事到如今我也說不清什麼造就了這樣的我,破碎而脆弱。我討厭這樣的自己,但也明白這已經是我能表現的、最好的自己了。

「Lied to my doctor, she knew I was fakin’. Gave me some pills, but I’m too scared to take 'em」讓我思索的是,害怕吞下藥的原因究竟是什麼?是害怕藥物中毒、還是過分清醒?

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Self-portrait for a figure assignment for school! There’s a bit of meaning behind this, too! I’m mixed, so my mom always told me about the “one drop rule” growing up, dictating that if you have one drop of black blood, you are black. Growing up I struggled a lot with my racial identity, but I’ve slowly been learning to accept myself. In this portrait there’s a drop of blood falling down from the forehead and clouding the clear water near the bottom, illustrating this rule.

(click for better quality!)

gamecube-and-co
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Luchita Hurtado at Hauser & Wirth Gallery

In every roll of film Luchita Hurtado shot, there’d be an image in shadow, explains her son, the artist Matt Mullican. Shadows dominate two walls of drawings featuring the artist’s own silhouette in a show now on view at Hauser & Wirth Gallery, conveying a rich, inner life that the artist didn’t care to display to the public. Yet elements like a feather or these bands of vibrant color offer clues to emotions and mental states that belie Hurtado’s apparent withdrawl. (On view in Chelsea through Oct 31st. Visits can be arranged by timed reservation.) Luchita Hurtado, charcoal and watercolor on paper, 17 x 13 ¾ inches, c. 1970s.
newyorkarttours
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