Sorry I texted within 0.001 seconds I have no shame and no self respect.
So my school just closed around a week ago (thanks to coronavirus), and I just realised how fucking depressed i am with my life, And although i came to this conclusion quite a while ago, I only recently decided that i NEED to make a fucking change. Some of the things that i wanna change are my social life, my attitude and mental health, my work ethic, how I look and how I treat my body.
The thing that sucks is that I have a lot of ambition, but I’m so unbelievable lazy, so I continuously let myself (and others) down. I’m counting on the fact that this time I won’t, and even if I do, I won’t give up on everything and go back to my bad habits.
Personally, I’m just putting this out on my non-exist tumblr because I want something to hold me accountable, even if though probably no-one is gonna see this. BUT, If anyone is doing their own little glow up journey, i would be so down to be friends and hold each other accountable!
Things to remember while stuck at home:
- Hydrate!! Drink plenty of water
- Wash your face. Some of us are taking this advantage to stay in bed and do nothing but don’t forget to wash!
- Eat as healthy as you can! My first week in, I really didn’t have the motivation to cook so I ordered in or ate pizza. Now I’m trying to make breakfast more and have dinner instead of skipping meals. (If you want breakfast ideas, do ask! Especially if you’re on a budget or have limited supplies and feeling stuck)
- Do chores still! Even if tidying up, start small. Do something even if it’s small is an accomplishment!
- Try and workout. LOL honestly I didn’t workout for a week and a half and I’m regretting it. Finally did a 20 minute workout and was dying. Now I’m at least going up and down the stairs 12 times a day when I go to get water or watch videos on YouTube with some easy ones. Even 5 crunches counts.
- Students going back to school on Monday don’t forget those assignments you’ve been putting off! Stay ahead especially if your class was already behind (me lmao)
- Stay focused and as busy as you can or else these days will be incredibly long! Make coffee, have tea or hot cocoa! Do yoga, meditate, open a window, take a breather. Have a simple meal, something to keep your mind busy and don’t fall for false information! Stay informed and updated.
Good luck to you all and if you ever need to talk remember I’m here as well as your other fellow bloggers!
Day 51-52 of productivity
- Day 53 of my Dulingo streak
- Day 54 of my Dulingo streak
I wish I could get more done, but I’ve hit a mental road block these past few days.
Self love is really hard when it doesn’t come with an instruction manual.. like how exactly do I undo years of deep seeded self-hatred? Go outside??? Can I absorb self-love via photosynthesis?
My last relationship taught me one valuable thing. That I never wanna feel like I’m begging for someone’s love. Ever.
The best way to appreciate something is to be without it for a while.
She’s my best friend 💜💜
I don’t know what is going on with me lately. I keep having these days where I keep thinking that I won’t be able to keep my friends. I know that sounds super possessive and weird, but I can’t help but feel that they are slipping away. This is the first time I am actually voicing that thought…feels strange. My friends and I are a super close group, we can go out and just talk until 3am (and not even stay on topic). I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but sometimes these thoughts just find a nasty way of creeping in and popping up like a whack-a-mole. I have definitely started to grow into myself, now that I am 21. Some things I am getting comfortable with…some stuff is starting to scare me. Anxiety: one of those things that is a bit scary. It all really started to creep up on me when I started my job in the phone industry; I just really needed a job and didn’t stop to think about all of the possible stress. I had been doing customer service for what I thought was…forever. I fooled myself thinking that I wouldn’t be going into a shark infested pool of sales consultants. After about 6 months, I wanted to be gone. I underestimated how upset people would be about a mistake on their phone bill; even if you explained how the billing works. There are not that many things that fluster me in this world, or so I thought. After 6 months of being there, ANXIETY crept up on me, and that bitch was not friendly.
The thought never crossed my mind that I could have anxious feelings, and that ANXIETY was reserved for those girls in HS that wore PJs to class and had a Hydroflask (before it became a VSCO thing). I know that sounds really stupid, but that is how I felt. You would rarely ever hear anything about Mental Health in a minority household. So I just thought I was painfully shy in school. Ever since I was little my teachers always said, “Oh, she is just really shy around the other kids.” Meanwhile, I was trying to kick the feeling I would always get when I knew I had to go to school in the morning. It was a mix of having butterflies all over my body & wanting to puke. Don’t even get me started on mornings that I had a presentation in front of my whole class! Those were the WORST. I worried about what the other kids would be whispering to each other. Not only, because I was short and chubby…but what could they be saying about my outfit? My mom used to dress me & tbh that is all you need to know. Even if I had the best presentation and I memorized what I was supposed to say, I couldn’t stop shaking. It was so bad…my knees were even buckling. All I could think was, “I wish I wasn’t so SHY.”
Once I got older it wasn’t that bad anymore, but I got stuck wearing the same clothes & hairstyle…everyday. Semi-tackling one issue only made another pop up. I had friends in school, but they were only there as a constant reminder, “Why don’t you let your hair down? Didn’t you wear that yesterday?” Don’t get me wrong, they were great people, but they unknowingly made me feel more like an outsider. At a certain point, I felt that they were just placeholders to not be lonely. I knew they didn’t really make me feel COMFORTABLE with myself, because that’s not their job, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that they were going to drop me sooner or later. I was WORRIED. Eventually, we had some classes together and when it came to free seating, I was ALONE again. Loneliness, was accompanied by the, “We’re sorry” stares. These experiences just made me feel like I was worth leaving out, like I could fall and they would keep walking past. Thus, making me feel as SHY as I could ever be.
The months that followed graduation, I got a job. When I got my first job all I could think was, “Don’t be shy.” Truth be told, I was super nervous that they weren’t going to like me. I was overweight, ugly, and a little too smart. To my surprise, I was met with the complete opposite. They made me feel so welcomed and I could be myself without fear of judgement. Now, I’m not saying that I found my lifelong friends that first day, but it felt like I could. I didn’t feel so SHY anymore, which was a huge relief. Although, there were some bad days where you would get customers who made you feel like shit & that SHY feeling would come crashing down all over again.
It never crossed my mind to examine these feelings that I equated with being SHY. To be honest, after 12 months in the phone industry, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to figure out what was going on with me. Eventually, I went to go see a professional and that word popped up again: ANXIETY. This time it was delivered gently. A huge sigh of relief followed, but then a chip landed right on my shoulder. Could I really have the “girl with a hydroflask” disorder? Not to sound super uneducated…but I didn’t think this would ever be something I would have to worry about. After finally getting an official name, I didn’t really want it. At that point, I would have accepted the SHYness of it all.
PS: I know this got super deep and totally derailed from the first paragraph…in my opinion. Just thought it would be good to get some stuff off of my chest. Also, this felt like I finally introduced myself to Tumblr. lol
it’s fear, isn’t it?
that’s what stops you from leaving
accepting the love you think you deserve
in fear of never being loved at all
not a word often associated with love
yet that is the only one you know
the only one you understand
your view of love has been skewed and twisted
watching on bitterly as others around you fall
and you tell yourself it’s only a matter of time before they fight,
and hate, and tear each other apart
because to you, that’s all love is
it’s destruction and pain and hurt
and it’s addicting
you want it so badly; you need it
you don’t want to see yourself without it
you can’t bear to think of the possibility
the chance, that the lie you’ve been told it true:
you aren’t loved, and you cannot be loved
so many nights i thought about ending my life
how easy it would be
going over countless options
never following through with promises made to myself
i didn’t want help
i needed help
i got help
You have to love
who you are
what you have
and it’s all
that you have
you have to be
i am learning.