#sensing a lot of angst

[florencemtrash]

The Shadowsinger & The Inkbird: Chapter Fifteen

Azriel x Day Court Librarian Reader

Summary: Y/n's clairvoyance is a gift from the Mother, but it feels more like a curse. With the power to gain knowledge through touch alone, Y/n holes herself up in The Alcove and hopes her powers and parentage will remain a secret. But things will change after the Summer Solstice ball and a chance encounter with a certain Shadowsinger.

Warnings: ANGST... that's about the only major warning I can think of

The Shadowsinger & The Inkbird: Masterlist

Masterlist of Masterlists

Jurian and Vassa took the attic and became scarce, but when night and day slid into one another you still heard her painful screams, muffled as they were by the magic that encased their room. It was a feeling more than anything else. A tension that gripped the House until it seemed to be sobbing. At sunrise and sunset without fail, Vassa’s body broke and rearranged itself, flesh turning to feathers and feathers to flesh. Before it had been a painless process where her body came and went in its various forms, but no longer. Now she felt everything alongside an itch deep within her bones that couldn’t be satiated by food or drink or anything else. 

Go to the lake! Her body screamed. Go to Koschei! And then punished her when she didn’t comply. Like a beast had sunk its claws into her flesh, its waiting mouth only inches away from snapping. To stay away was a slow, agonizing march to death. To move close would be swift, but final, and somehow Vassa knew that if she gave into Koschei’s call, she would be lost forever.

You lingered at the base of the attic's staircase, your bare feet sinking into the soft rug until the sounds of cracking bones finally ceased. Three pairs of feet shuffled above your head and you heard Jurian’s faint whispers like a gentle push of air. When the door opened and Lucien emerged, you saw Vassa crumpled on the floor, now a bone-thin woman with dull, coppery hair and skin ravaged by scratches and pockmarks. 

“Shhhh. It’s ok.” Jurian whispered, encasing her in his arms. 

“I can’t,” her voice trembled. “It hurts. I-I-I’m burning.” 

“Y/n?” Lucien frowned. The door slammed shut with a bang and you jumped backwards. You clutched a velvet pouch close to your chest and then slowly held it out to Lucien. 

“It’s for Vassa,” you explained, trying to keep your eyes on his mismatched ones — one russet as river stones, one gold like the sun. He opened the bag and stared in confusion at the fine, white powder within, giving it a tentative sniff. “Morphine. Humans use it for pain.” 

“I know of it.” Lucien’s frown deepened. “They get addicted. Take too much and they die.” 

“She’s already addicted. That’s what’s happening isn’t it? Koschei’s drawing his power away to get her to return to the lake and every day that passes she’s dying.” Lucien tightened his fists around the bag, still skeptical. Vassa had endured enough. He didn’t want to have her endure this either. “The bag is enchanted and will never allow her to draw too much. Just enough to calm her hunger. If we’re lucky it might help her sleep too.” 

Lucien stood there, clenching and unclenching his fists from around the gold drawstring, waiting for Vassa’s cries to cease. But they never did. And there you were standing in front of him, unwavering and expectant. There was a glimmer of stubbornness in your gaze. A sign of the hours you’d spent researching Vassa’s condition and acquiring the strange human drug, and your disapproval if Lucien didn’t accept it. 

“Thank you, Y/n,” he whispered, “But please go. Vassa hates for anyone to see her like this. Even Jurian and I.” 

You swallowed thickly and nodded, disappearing down the stairs as quickly as you could. The next morning when the sun rose over the mountains and Vassa changed, you heard only the House’s usual breathings. 

The House buckled under the weight of the Inner Circle’s secrets and the sheer volume of history that had occurred within its walls and between its occupants. It utilized its magic in clever ways — your door opened with a creak that wasn’t there before so that Azriel would always hear your comings and goings. Lucien would suddenly find his door locked and the curtains drawn on the days when Helion made surprise visits to see Y/n. Nyx would find himself ushered around by a broomstick that swatted his ankles when the adults were discussing private matters. It was all a great deal of work. 

So it was a relief when Rhys and Feyre quietly moved their children to the House of Wind with Nesta and Cassian, and when Mor and Emerie took the final steps in emptying their rooms and went to hide out in their city apartment. It was even more of a relief when Helion returned to the Day Court, but not before throwing a heavy threat in Azriel’s face that if he should ever hurt his daughter again in any way, shape, or form, he’d strip the wings off his back. 

Meals at the House were tense, quiet affairs, something not even Feyre, Elain, and Nesta’s sisterly conversations or Cassian’s light-hearted humor could ease. Elain stayed close to Lucien’s side, one hand always on his arm or resting against his back or brushing against his, but that didn’t erase what the Blood Duel had done to his trust in Elain. He was kind, but guarded, especially when Azriel was in the room. But it was more than she could ask for because it was more than she’d ever given him in the beginning. 

You and Azriel were worse off.

You were speaking once more, but your words were always laced with a bit of apprehension and Azriel’s were always filled with sorrowful hope. Conversations were dull, short, and didn’t even begin to brush the surface of all the things you should have been talking about. You were terrified not of the Shadowsinger, but of his opinion of you. Did he want you so he could fix you? So that he could feel needed? So that you could be another one in a list of females he burned through? 

It never truly seemed like that was the case, but you also didn’t trust yourself when it came to your emotions. You had told him once that you couldn’t imagine having a love like Feyre and Rhysand’s, or Nesta and Cassian’s, and you still meant it. You were a matchstick and he was flint, and you didn’t know what would happen to you after he had lit you aflame. For all you knew, you were already burning and this wonderful thing you’d had with Azriel would live and die with nothing more than the memory of an embrace in Rhysand’s office to show for it. 

But oh how you ached to touch him again. To hold him like you had before and to have him return the gesture just as strongly. 

You stiffened when Azriel’s hand brushed your arm, warmth bursting out from the point of contact. 

“I’m sorry.” Azriel whispered, and he was talking about more than the wine he spilled when he reached over the table.

You spared him a glance, the first real look you’d given him in two weeks. The flagon slipped from his hands, and if it weren’t for his shadows catching it an inch above the floor, the room would have been doused in burgundy red. 

“Does Lucien know?” 

Rhysand looked up from his papers. Missives from the Darkbringer army and Illyrian troops up north clogged his desk, all begrudgingly accepting his orders to prepare for what could amount to another lengthy war. Letters thrown back and forth between the seven courts added to the chaos, all of them war-weary and desperate for a path that wouldn’t lead to bloodshed. 

You took up the center of his room and stood so quietly he hadn’t even noticed you until you spoke. It had been eating away at you for days since Lucien’s arrival. Every time you two saw one another or spoke, you tried to scrounge for clues that would reveal whether he knew he was Helion’s son and whether he might suspect you were Helion’s daughter as well. The other members of the Inner Circle had been tight-lipped about that secret, a skill you now knew they all possessed with alarming dexterity. 

“Does Lucien know he’s Helion’s son?”

Rhysand slumped back in his chair, rubbing his temples with one careful hand. Finally he said, “Yes.” 

The answer knocked the breath from your lungs. You’d been expecting the opposite. “Does he… does he know about me?” 

Rhys sighed and shook his head. You didn’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved. 

“How long has he known?” 

“Six years. Feyre was the one to tell him. She was actually the first of us to recognize the similarity, believe it or not. But then, no one ever dared to give weight to the rumors surrounding Helion and Aurelia Vanserra while Beron was alive.”

You rocked back and forth on your feet, breath shaking as it entered your body. “Six years. Six years and you never thought to tell Helion that he has a son? I thought you two were friends?”

Rhysand tensed. “I’m Lucien’s friend as well and he begged us to never speak of it - to live as though we’d never learned that secret. And I keep my secrets. We all do.” 

“You and your family have made that very clear in the time that I’ve been here.” 

“If you mean Azriel—”

“Don’t play dumb, Rhys, you know I’m talking about him.” Tears pricked at your eyes, adding to the humiliation that had coated you like a film ever since you’d seen his memories about Mor, Elain, and Gwyn. “I don’t—” You swallowed thickly, “I can imagine how you must have all been whispering behind my back about Azriel and I. How you must have found it so pathetic the way he charmed me when I was really his fourth choice.”

“That’s not true.” Was what Rhysand was going to say. But he didn’t need to. Azriel said it for him. 

Your face lost all color, any bravado melting away at the feeling of Azriel’s shadows wrapping around your ankles like ribbons of silk. You could feel him in the room and that quiet darkness he carried around with him as inherently as if it were stitched onto his body. 

Azriel was shaking. Shaking. With anger, turmoil, or grief — you couldn’t name it. All you knew is that one moment you were standing in Rhysand’s office, all velvet upholstery and suave, expensive taste, and the next you were in Azriel’s room. 

Everything smelled like mountain air. Maybe it was the gothic windows that stretched into the vaulted ceilings, stained glass opening out onto a personal balcony with deep blue curtains fluttering in the breeze. But you were sure that even with the windows barred it would smell the same. It would smell like Azriel. If you threw open his wardrobe you’d come face to face with a wall of black. Lots and lots of black. Black suits he hardly ever wore. Black fighting leathers. Black leather jackets for everyday. Black trousers. Black boots on the floor. Very practical. Very Azriel. 

If you dug through his dresser drawers you’d find black boxers and socks to match and no shortage of knives and daggers hidden behind wooden planks or in leather sleeves nailed to the bottom of his desk. But at first glance you only saw three weapons in plain view — Truth Teller, blade down and stuck in the wood grain of his desk beside a pile of reports, and two obsidian blades hanging from the wall beside his midnight blue bed in the shape of an “x.” 

The smell — Azriel’s smell — calmed you, at least up to the point where you turned to find him standing less than six inches away, hazel eyes boring into yours. Then your pulse skyrocketed. You were certain that if he only looked down to your heart he’d see it pounding against your chest like a drum skin ready to burst. 

“That’s not true,” he repeated earnestly. “And don’t you dare believe it. Not even for a second.” 

His eyes jumped back and forth between yours and before he could stop himself, his hands were grasping yours in a gentle hold. The leather gloves were soft and supple beneath your fingertips. You wanted to rip them off so you could feel his scarred hands again. 

“You weren’t meant to hear that,” you whispered, suddenly feeling small. That angry humiliation went up in a puff of smoke and left you shy and uncertain. 

Azriel gripped your hands a little tighter and you watched as tendrils of shadow worked their way up your arms and got lost in your hair. “But I did,” he said breathlessly, “And I need you to know that it’s not true.” 

“Azriel—”

“I know—” he was shaking his head, “I know what Helion said and I won’t lie and tell you that I’m perfect or that I’ve made any smart decisions about love in the past — I’ve not make a single one — but… but Y/n you’re not a fourth choice. You’re not something broken that I’m trying to fix or some fantasy I’ve fallen for.”

His hands shook and despite the gloves his hands still felt sticky and wet. Slick with your blood. The burning scent of iron in his nose.

“You’re the most real thing in the world to me. You’re—” You’re my mate. The words crawled up his throat like acid and it just felt wrong. He would say those words to you. He would. But not now. Not like this. He came up with something else. “Y/n, please tell me you believe me. Please.”

And there you were. Falling all over again. Burning like a matchstick on fire. The flames slowly eating away at you bit by bit. You wondered what would happen when you finally hit the ground, or when you ran out of length. Would he still hold you like this? Would you still feel real to him? 

“How am I meant to know, Azriel?” 

You’d always been good at books. You knew the ways in which these stories worked where the themes and plot points had been preordained and written with the purpose of being tied up in a neat package by the final page. People were very different. They were unpredictable and chaotic and they could lie through the skin of their teeth and believe they were telling the truth. And that was the problem wasn’t it? Because you still believed every word that came out of Azriel’s mouth, and his hands still felt like they were keeping you tethered to this earth when sometimes your powers and the memories that came with them made you feel like a whisper on the wind. Weightless and at the mercy of something you couldn’t control. 

“You can trust me. You can know for yourself.” 

He pressed your hand against his cheek and you wanted to cry at the faint pricks of stubble beneath your skin and the sharp curve of his jaw. 

He wanted you to use your power on him. He wanted you to learn all the ways he wanted you. All the ways he loved you.  

But you couldn’t do it. 

Azriel panicked when you remained silent, staring at him and at his hands like you were frightened. All at once he was back on the streets of Velaris, cobblestones shaving away at the skin of his palms as he dragged his way up to you inch by bloody inch, fighting against a body that was too broken to move. 

He couldn’t remember what it felt like when he’d stabbed you through the chest and dropped you on the street. Everything between the moment he saw Andrian’s clear-cut eyes to the moment he saw Rhysand’s horrified gaze was fuzzy and dark. But that made it worse because now in his nightmares he could imagine all the ways he’d hurt you, each version teeming with the same level of horror and possibility as the previous one. 

He let you go and hated himself when you stepped back, your hand slipping away. 

“I won’t… I won’t hurt you again, Y/n. I swear on my life. I’ll-I’ll make a bargain, I don’t care. I would sooner die than let something like that happen again.” 

I don’t know what I’d do with that kind of love. If I’d be able to handle it. It might be too much for me.

“Y/n, please.”

 I am not broken. But I am afraid. 

You fled from his bedroom. 

The air had a bite to it now with winter descending. The snow line on the mountains dipped lower and lower each day, creeping like ivy down a brick wall. 

Elain never wore gloves. Not when she was gardening. It was something she and Ione had in common. She liked the feeling of her strong hands, the callouses on her palms and fingers that she’d earned all on her own. She grunted, slamming her shovel into the soil and feeling the microscopic chips of ice give way when she kicked down on the blade. It was too late in the season to be planting tulip bulbs. If she’d been in Velaris she would have done this four weeks ago. But it was alright with her. She knew the value of hard work, and she had enough hope for the future to believe that even though she was late, she’d have something beautiful to call hers come springtime. 

“It’s time for that conversation I was telling you about,” she said cryptically, as was her way. 

Lucien dropped the final basket beside where Elain now knelt in the dirt, her pale pink dress dirtied and littered with her own handprints. The brown bulbs rolled around like oversized chestnuts, the kind that he’d be roasting over a fire right now if he were still in Autumn Court. Instead he was here, lingering in a Court that had never felt like home. Then again… he’d never felt at home in Autumn, Spring, or the Human Lands either. 

He straightened up and wiped his hands clean on his trousers, golden and russet eyes trailing over the River House’s grounds for this mysterious person he was meant to speak to.

There. 

The faint swishing of black robes behind a dark green topiary tree. He should have known Elain had been talking about you. 

You cracked your knuckles and rehearsed the words you’d scribbled out earlier that day and then set to fire in a maddening loop. You’d been restless with the truth of Lucien’s parentage and you couldn’t believe that the others had held their tongues so readily. As it was, without Azriel’s company to help quiet your mind, you’d dug into this new piece of information like a starving animal and couldn’t let go.

Was this a good time to tell him? Would there ever be a good time to tell him? You had no idea. 

Somewhere in the attic, you knew Vassa was itching to take to the skies like the burning comet she was. Every night she shivered in Jurian’s arms, the morphine barely able to take the edge off the humming in her bones, and every morning she let him lock her away in her cage. It was getting worse and worse trying to keep her from succumbing to Koschei’s influence. Even now you thought you could hear her keen cries whistling from the attic like ten thousand arrows launched into the air. 

Somewhere else, in a secret, hidden place you knew nothing about, Andrian had finally been imprisoned. Andrian with his bent neck and silver, candy-floss hair and bloody little hands. 

You shivered and jumped back five feet when Lucien called your name, kind eyes narrowed in concern. His shirt was loose and open and the sweat on his body rose like mist off his skin. He was his mother’s son first, Helion’s child second, and fire still ran through his veins. The chill did not touch him. 

He tipped his head to the side, red hair spilling out from the messy way he’d tied it up and away from his face. A brutal scar ran through his eye like a fissure, starting at the center of his brow before clawing its way down his jaw like a lightning strike frozen in time. But for all the cruelty he’d been dealt with in life, his eyes were gentle, even the mechanical one that whirred and flashed in the sun. 

They were even kinder when he looked at you. You with your inquisitive gaze and curious nature, like a stray cat that couldn’t help but linger too long at doorways. One foot inside, one foot ready to run and hide. He’d caught you watching him at dinners, and he’d catch himself staring when you walked around the house with a book in your hand, so utterly absorbed that you would bump against doorways and bang your hips against sharp corners. 

“Elain told me about you. Did you know that?” 

You blinked in surprise. “What did she say?”

“Elain… Elain doesn’t always speak clearly. Much of what comes out of her mouth can feel eerie or discomforting. But, she told me before we left for the Night Court that I would be happy I came. That I would never regret the things I learned on my trip.” He tilted his head even further, looking more and more like a fox with each turn of his face. “And she mentioned a bird. A bird with ink-tipped wings and eyes like a crow.” 

You flexed your fingers, well aware that the tips were smudged with ink, the nails bitten down to the quick. 

“Someone clever and cautious who’d been hidden away their whole life and needed to see the sun.” 

You felt stripped bare. That strange vulnerability that comes with being summed up in so few words had you feeling airy. Like one sentence could be enough to carry the weight of the three centuries you’d lived and never buckle. 

“I know you’re Helion’s son. I recognized it the moment I saw you.” 

Lucien stepped back, scarlet brows shooting up into his hair with alarm.

You hesitated, then continued on cautiously. “I recognized it because I would know my father’s face anywhere.” 

<- Previous Chapter Next Chapter ->

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Author's Note:

I KNOW IT'S A CLIFFHANGER ENDING BUT I NEEDED TO BREAK EVERYTHING INTO CHAPTERS SOMEWHERE AND I'M GOING TO TRY AND GET CHAPTER 16 UP BY WEDNESDAY SO I DON'T LEAVE Y'ALL HANGING FOR TOO LONG. HAVE MERCY!!!

The good news is that Chapter 16 is already mostly written, I just need to edit it all to make sure things flow smoothly. Also, LUCIEN KNOWS NOW AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry for the Azriel angst... but it's delicious, no?

#the shadowsinger and the inkbird #azriel x reader #azriel x reader slowburn #azriel x reader angst #azriel x you #azriel x y/n #I know the fandom has a toxic shipping culture around Elain/Lucien/Azriel in particular #leave me alone all right #I am going to write the couplings as makes sense because this is a READER X AZRIEL FIC #but also i don't stand for a lot of the Elain slander #smells of sexism to me sorry not sorry just let the girl be #obviously she's not perfect but she doesn't deserve the absurd amount of hate she gets #thanks for coming to my ted talk

[puppyeared]

The garment, worn by those in good standing with Hyrule royalty, has been reworked with the latest improvements, such as a new shoulder guard.

#I miss my wife tails. I miss her a lot. I’ll be back #I love the champions leathers design but the story behind it is so sweet too like. she wanted to thank him so she went and #got some improvements added to it?? and she wanted to see his face when she surprises him with it hello????? #I think my favourite part is the half chest just for angst. I like imagining she was very particular about the armour placements #and had a chest piece added because yknow. right over the heart might I add #originally I wanted this to be more angsty but halfway through I was like wait this would completely miss the point #in my mind the armor isn’t just ‘I don’t want you to die again’ but also ‘I want to keep you safe as best I can’ #in her diary she was like links armor is wearing down so you know what? I’m gonna add more armor to better protect him!!! #and with her upbringing in mind (and the conversation she had with him about whether he would still choose to be a knight if things were #different) she could have totally asked him to stop doing it altogether. but she made the armor for him instead #sidenote she also got to be a teacher and scholar like she wanted and that is so. dont look at me I’m crying #I don’t know if ANY of this makes sense I’m just rambling. yes I wear the champions leathers every chance I get why do you ask #btw if you squint the leathers chainmail and sweater are taken from the hylian armor chestpiece! slightly modified on the tunic but cool #my art #myart #tears of the kingdom #totk #totk spoilers #totk zelda #totk link #botw spoilers #botw #breath of the wild #loz #loz fanart #comic #tw blood #blood

[chirpsythismorning]

Byler is a slow burn y’all!

While it’s possible milkvan could break up in early s5, or maybe they consider their fallout in s4 their breakup and are only now addressing it and how they’ve realized they’ve been better off as friends over the last year, it’s still gonna take some time for byler to confront everything over the last few years and both get to a point where they have clarity about their own feelings and finally accept that the other one feels the same.

I don’t think there’s enough time to explore all of that before Mike and El have that talk on the roof, or even shortly after that, even if it’s post-time jump.

It will still be interesting to see where Mike and Will are at in their relationship by the time the time jump rolls around.

It’s unlikely the painting will have been addressed without us witnessing it, unless they decide to throw in a flashback at some point if it happened during the time jump.

Which means there is still a lot they need to talk about, let alone for them be literally dating.

I think it’s also possible Will won’t know Mike and El are over for real, not until Mike or El tell him and the others.

What this might result in is an episode or two of Mike pining for Will (single 😁) while Will is none the wiser and maybe even trying to keep his distance, now under the assumption that Mike wants space to be alone with El since they’ve finally reconciled once and for all.

There’s gonna need to be episodes exploring their dynamic as friends that can be something more if they want to be and how they navigate that and how obvious it is that, in contrast to Mike and El, while they are indeed friends, they work even better as being something more too.

They’ve invested the entire series to building this up, in a way that most of the audience missed. They need to spend some time now making it obvious so that people can rewatch a lot of their scenes for what they truly are (romantic) now that they know the truth, as opposed to just being ambushed with them being together.

I need people that didn’t even want it to happen to have to endure the tension all season long, to the point where they’re screaming at their screen JUST KISS ALREADY! GET IT OVER WITH! JESUS CHRIST!

#byler #stranger things #I could see the tension being insane #leading up to an almost kiss #then maybe a final boss fight for old times sake #then ending all that tension with a kiss #cementing the fact that they’ve wanted to kiss all those tension filled arguments before #that their complicated (romantic) feelings has been the crux of a lot of their problems in the first place #and them finally confronting it being what allows them to both evolve by being true to themselves #and then dealing with the aftermath #I could see them being ‘dating’ at least in a vague sense #after they kiss and are aware of each others feelings #landing us somewhere around episode 5x06-5x07 #but reminder 7 is the episode from the blurry grid that ended with a bunch of green marker… #it’s possible we the audience could be aware of mike’s feelings for will as early on as 5x01 even #but I don’t see them having will be outright aware of it until a little bit later #the angst of witnessing mike pine while will pines simultaneously #asssuming he’s going crazy alone… #😏 #I understand the duality of wanting all of this AND established byler #but byler is already established… #once they realize their feelings and get together #it will re-contextualize all their previous moments in a way that literally establishes they been something more for a long time #even if they didn’t realize it until now

[another-clive-blog]

HOW HAVE I NEVER NOTICED THIS

LAYTON USES TU FOR FUTURE LUKE BUT SWITCHES TO VOUS THE SECOND CLIVE'S IDENTITY IS REVEALED.

Tu and vous both mean you but Tu implies closeness : in the entirety of Unwound Future, Layton only ever uses Tu with Flora, the Lukes and Claire

#I'm shaking crying throwing up #WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME. #He immediately uses tu for Future Luke which is A LOT #In real life we often stumble trying to know which one to use because vous is distance but also respect like for a boss or teacher #(Everyone except Claire uses vous for Layton because he's a highly educated adult and a gentleman) #Layton must really appreciate and trust Luke. He immediately went 'Oh that's a Luke of course he's a close one' #And it makes sense that he would discard the tu when he finds out that nope this is a total stranger manipulating us all #But also normal people would go from tu (affectionate) to tu (derogatory). Of course Layton doesn't as a gentleman but. Ouch #And he never goes back to tu not even after finding out Clive is the orphan he saved #I'm crying why are you doing that to me. It's so subtle I had NEVER noticed but it's there #Maybe the vous will go back to respect or pleasant distance one day but Clive isn't deserving of a tu. He's not Luke. He's a stranger #I HAVE to do a complete pronoun analysis one day. I've talked about it here and there but I need to do a big analysis #Professeur layton et le destin perdu #Professeur layton #hershel layton #clive dove #Been posting a lot of angst lately oops #Professor layton and the unwound Future #Professor layton and the lost future #Unwound Future spoilers #Lost Future spoilers

[tobisiksi]

tw: suicide mention-emotional maipulation

I refuse to believe that kusuo never tried to lose on purpose in one of kusukes games

a lot of people say that he probably was too egocentric to lose but man, ku gives up on things without thinking twice just for the sake of the others

just like when he gave up on satou when he and hii got together (the only example I can come with rn but there is a lot more)

and don't get me wrong, kusuo IS egocentric, but he knows where to trace a line he has a moral code and the principal rule is "don't be an inconvenience to the others"

so there is no way he didn't tried before

kusuke saw through his facade?

kusuke is insane and a masoquist and he has some suicidal behaviour aaand

I can see him telling kusuo to never try to fake a lost again or else he will off himself

idk he just yk, he's emotionally abusive and he's too obsessed with the idea of kusuo and him playing deathly games

TOO obsessed

he even took himself as hostage and he also kidnapped and brainwashed one of his brothers friends

he would say something like that

but I also believe that he wasn't aware of the heigh of those words

(I believe that he isn't aware of the heigh of all his actions, he just have a really twisted view of what is wrong and right)

I see this kind of scenario happening when they were young, when kusuo stopped copying his older brother (the motorcycle, the little cardboard robot, rock papper scissors, guys he was copying his older brother cuz he thought he was cool) and started to feel some resentment or even pity towards him

kusuke wouldn't take pityness very well, resentment? dont care, being hated? kay whatever but feeling any form of empathy or pity?????

it makes him sick

so he would say something like that but the thing is that he sees his brother as a God who is superior to every other living being

so he thinks that it isn't a big deal because his God had more important things to take care of

wrooooong, your God it's your baby bro who is just a child who used to admire you a lot before you started to get more and more insane progressively and the thing you just said it's fucking up his head because the love and hate he has for you were the strongest feelings his baby brain could feel and now he cannot come up with a way to make you stop envying or feeling resentful cuz of his powers (that he did not choose to born with in the first place) without making you have a meltdown that will end up with you killing yourself

#its 6am and im having a lot of feelings #sorry if there is something that doesnt make sense i repeat its 6am #im still without wifi and i cant waste the eeeee #idk how are they called in english but in spanish is datos móviles #lmao #anyway i dont have anything else to say im just emotional about this two #kusuke having no idea of what its wrong and right and how much certain words could affect the others yaaay #its the autism combined with his sociopath tendencies #also here he seems like he doesnt care at all abt kusuo but he does #its just a toxic way of love combined with his envy and again his sociopath tendencies #but he do love him and admire him so much #envy its just a twisted form of admiration afterall #saiki k #saiki kusuo #kusuke saiki #saiki's brothers #angst #the disastrous life of saiki k #saiki kusuo no psi nan #tw su mention #thinking thinking thinking

[siliconforbrains]

Okay, it's like 10pm on a work night and I haven't had any coffee today so my thoughts are a little scrambled BUT. I WAS THINKING.

(About In Stars and Time of course I'm always thinking about that game)

A couple of years ago, at the height of Steddie -my sister was big into it and recced me some fics okay- I read this fic about Steve dealing with time loops ("The one in which a time loop is fucking exhausting" by badpancake) and there was this specific detail about the epilogue that stuck with me.

It was the idea that, once the time loops were done and over with, people would slowly start to remember bits and pieces of what happened in earlier loops. After being fractured for so long across dozens of timelines and experiences and outcomes, time was finally healing, and broken shards of lost memories would find their way back into people's minds.

And that got me thinking about a post-game what-if scenario where the same happens to the gang as they travel through Vaugarde.

Like they still don't remember everything -just bits and pieces. Experiences so emotionally charged that they found a way to cross the sands of time and reach them again.

The question is, what would those memories be? The first answer that comes to mind is some of Siffrin's deaths, of course. I can't imagine watching your friend get pancake-d by a boulder would be pleasant, nor witnessing them turning their own dagger to themselves. Or offering him a slice of your favorite snack only for him to go into anaphylactic shock in front of your very eyes, for that matter!

But there would be other instances too, wouldn't they? Death is not the only thing that shook them to their core. What about their first death to the King? Or Bonnie's fate at the end of Act 3? What about basking in the blissful feeling of victory against the tormentor of your land only to turn to look at your friend and know something is very, very wrong?

What about fighting through the House with a party of 4 instead of 5, bloodied, confused, staring in the face of the King knowing you're about to die and wondering why your friend left you all when you needed them most?

I honestly have no idea where I'm going with this, but I've been rotating this concept in my head since this morning and thought I'd get it out on here so y'all can suffer with me tehee

#maxisrambling #isat #isat spoilers #in stars and time #isat siffrin #i genuinely don't know if i'd ever write a fic about this concept #esp bc i already have like 3 wips im working on and i don't need another #but if i ever were to it would be like. a post-game fic where the party realizes just how bad the loops were #how they affected siffrin and how they mightve affected /them/ #(bc love this found family to death but siffrin probably downplays a lot of the loops stuff until confronted /lh) #and meanwhile sif has to deal with the knowledge that his family is remembering things he never wanted them to remember #seeing things they never shouldve seen #and is probably filled with a fuckton of guilt about that bc even now that the loops are broken they're hurting them #they all need a hug oh my god #OFC it would have a happy hopeful ending but NSDJKVNDJKFV angst hurt/comfort <3 #okay im done rambling hopefully this makes sense #im gonna go pass out now id say sorry but I'm not lmao xoxo

[impactdial]

i think the general sanuso consensus is usopp had a crush on sanji pre-ts and then post-ts sanji is the one hit with feelings and that’s how i generally like to think of them but lately i’ve been thinking about a breakup au where they tried dating pre-ts but they’re both not ready for something like that (though for different reasons).

they break up shortly before everything happened at sabaody (“amicably” but it’s usopp that brings it up that they need to talk) and while they’re separated they both never stop thinking each other. about things they could’ve done differently, realizing they need to do some maturing. there’s never any hard feelings, just a deep sense of longing and regret.

and then post-ts, they decide to try again because sanji gets some sense knocked into him and usopp does some growing up too, and basically it’s the two of them falling in love all over again and sanji is the one to ask usopp if they want to try dating again.

(also huge music inspos for this idea was first time by hozier & goodbye ms. flower thief by mel)

#its basically angst but with a lot of fluff if that makes sense lol #sanuso #one piece #ramblings

[riacte]

People on MCC Reddit talking about the future of MCC and mentioning a decline in interest of MC content while I know at least QSMP / HC / Life series did well on Tumblr wrapped… I think I know what can help MCC. Fanfictionable content 😏👍 /JOKE /hell

By that I mean angst. Vaguely homoromantic content. The fun skins that we already have. The cute lobby Christmas gift giving. Teams having the option to craft and fly their banners in SkB like some sort of Royalty AU. SoT lackey in which it’s the job of one player to guard a player and sacrifice their life if needed. Teams having to guard their egg baby in Survival Games. Someone should get married on the Winner’s Podium for funnies. What if we were trapped in the SoT cage 😳 and got set on fire 😳 and summoned a fire demon 😳. TGTTOS but you can drag someone up dramatically and they land in your arms perfectly. Sports anime arc in which two underdogs team with two mentors and they win with the power of friendship, like this kind of storyline can and will fuel people for three years. Ren and Martyn role playing with each other in horrible voices for three hours. People from different teams making out in the Battle Box wool mid. Fuckass Double Life scenario in which the entire team shares the same 80 hearts and they’re all intensely worried for each other. There’s a party with flashing lights with Hermitgang plays for some reason. Impulse raps to the second hand embarrassment of many. False and Ren return to stand next to each other for thirty minutes in the lobby

#ria.txt #mcc #/JOKE #ngl the sharing hearts could be interesting…. #but for real though one of the biggest appeals of mcc in s1/s2 was its storylines #one of the most popular: grian’s journey to champion #and a lot of those storylines have tied up #and ppl we’re invested in start leaving -> cycle of ppl leaving #can’t speak for qsmp but i know why hc and life series are so popular lol #charismatic well wounded cast with excellent chemistry doing fun shit and making the shippers and angst ppl go OUGHHHH #although for hc i think decked out was really crucial #*well rounded cast… ok well wounded also makes sense for life series. lmao

[absolutebl]

Best Angsty BLs with Family Drama & Bad Home Lives, or Past Trauma

That still end happily. Requested by the incomparable @winterswhumpblr (Warning these all have tiggers in them mostly suicide, rape, and/or child abuse.)

Until We Meet Again

Thai 2019 YouTube

UWMA is, without question, a work of narrative genius with a powerful and cohesive romantic backbone driven by family drauma and betrayal and stellar performances. It is (to date) the only Thai BL that I’ve rated a 10/10 predominantly on the basis of story structure. That said it is also very well cast (and it’s a BIG cast), with solid production values, and enduring pair branding. Discussion here.

Spin off, Between Us, also satisfies this criteria.

Blueming

Korea 2022 iQIYI

Hwang Da Seul directing this angsty BL that's a tiny bit dark and a tiny bit bittersweet, almost too honest to a university experience and first love. But if you want your mind ever-so-slightly messed with and your intimacy hellishly sweet, this BL will do it for you in a coldly distant manner, while bitch slapping you with self worth issues. I wasn’t into it at first, but the leads are solid and by ep 5 it got really good, becoming a narrative about self discovery meets understanding and accepting others people’s flaws without hurting them. Ultimately we witnessed two characters maturing because of each other and their mutual affection, without that affection becoming the conflict point. Instead, tension was built around other aspects of identity, popularity, and childhood trauma.

Tokyo in April is AKA Shigatsu no Tokyo wa

Japan 2023 Viki

Two young men with a shared tragic past reunite and fall in love all over again, but the past will not stop hunting them. Based on a manga, this office set reunion romance is GREAT… damn it. It’s Japan in full on soft focus which means it gets emo, abusive, and chewy. These two characters are giving parts of their souls away in a desperate attempt to shape themselves to the expectations they have of each other.

The Eighth Sense

Korea 2023 Viki

This feels more atmospheric gay coming of age romance than strictly BL. It’s got a bit of an age gap, country boy/city boy, stellar acting, complex characters, and leads with great chemistry and tension. It’s a bit chewy and sticky and less perfect than most KBLs (do I detect a touch of Taiwan?) This one deployed BL tropes (messy eater, shoulder sleep, protective seme, there’s even some hyung-slinging) but front loaded them with painful backstory and tons angst drives the 2nd half. This isn’t in the KBL bubble, there’s sharp edges and lots of triggers. For a BL the darkness of the content left me feeling unsettled (which is the only reason it didn't get a perfect score) but it does have a glorious ending and that counts for a lot.

Bad Buddy

Thai 2022 YouTube

This was GMMTV’s flagship BL and it started 2022 on a BANG (okay no actual banging but you know what I mean), starring heavy hitters Ohm & Nanon in a pitch perfect university Romeo & Romeo masterpiece that will give you domesticity meets pain whiplash throughout and jet lag at the end. Some of the friendship and family dynamics are overworked, but it has great production values, killer acting, and some conscious effort to correct for half a decade of Thai BL’s anti-queer mistakes. The whole set up is build on family drama so, yeah.

Bed Friend

Thai 2023 YouTube

Office frienamies transition a flaming hot one night stand into a f-buddy relationship that is built on a puppy/cat dynamic (and kinks into it at one point). Our puppy is loyal, smitten, and protective with endlessly longing eyes, while our cat is snarky, prickly, and deeply damaged. NetJames give lovely high-heat with excellent chemistry and tuned-in performances of surprising depth, could have been spectacular but was the story is overworked, especially at the end. Still if high heat is your thing, this one will not let you down.

Lovely Writer

Thai 2021 YouTube

What Lovely Writer does, at heart, is reexamine Thai BL has done to queerness, but in a very gentle way that has more to do with Thai BL growing up than any actual queer authenticity. It’s not parody or pastiche, but it is self reflective and trying to correct for some chronic mistakes. Whether it is ultimately successful in this matter is going to depend on the watcher’s relationship to BL and queer identity. But that’s what makes this show beautiful, interesting, and thought provoking. And I, for one, applaud the effort even if I didn’t personally connect to the characters. There is both family trauma and dram and childhood stuff.

Happy Merry Ending

Korea 2023 Viki

Stars Lee Dong Won (KNK) as an ex-idol turned wedding singer with an abusive ex and a panic disorder + the sunshine pianist who falls in love with him. Timid tsundere & sweetheart gay is an interesting match. They’re gentle together, almost kindly, and there is a calm ache to their pairing. However, it lost its way as a BL, being more about the main character’s struggle than the romance. It had a strong finish but ultimately the premise & characters meant this was never going to be one of my favorites. But if you like angst, well...

Given

Japan 2021 grey

Boy joins band, falls in love with other boy. The singing is terrible, fast forward through that but with the possible exception of the hair styles, this BL could have been made in 2015 and no one would be surprised. As such, it wasn’t ground breaking, but it didn’t disappoint either. Very much a tortured past for our singer. (More here.)

The Eclipse

Thai 2022 YouTube

GMMTV does gay Blacklist with a good boy/bad boy pairing. This is a good show but the cast is excellent and the leads are absolutely flawless, which elevates it beyond just good. We got a nuanced and multifaceted burgeoning relationship: philosophical (and socio-political) conflict contrasted to moments of empathy; flirtation contrasted to moments of genuine affection, plus plenty of angst. This narrative is less about love than it is about courage and tenderness. However, near the end the pacing was off and the plot frustrating. Still, this is an enjoyable watch, with a finale that features verbal consent and a fun blooper reel.

Love Class 2

Korea 2023 Viki

3 couples form within a semester of university: 1. a hyung romance reunion of exes, one of whom has a dangerous past, 2. a friends to lovers romance, and 3. a one night stand between a mature student and a TA (many aspects of which had me laughing). I enjoyed the characters and dialogue of this show immensely. It was a little bit more breezy and friendly than I was expecting after the first installment, Love Class (to which this bears little resemblance and no connection). I’m not entirely sure Korea can handle multiple couples like this because it definitely felt disjointed, especially with the 3rd more mature couple (also my favorite) who probably should’ve had their own series. But I enjoyed something different from Korea.

About Youth

Taiwan 2022 Gaga

A truly lovely little coming of age high school BL with a classic YA low drama but high angst and an earnest depth. I didn’t even mind the singing, and that’s saying a lot. A weak seme/uke dynamic but tons of BL tropes (both rare in a high school setting but common for Taiwan) makes this one feel both sweet and colored by an almost real world authenticity and grit. More here.

Restart After Come Back Home AKA Risutato wa tadaima no ato de

Japan 2020 Gaga?

Atmospheric study in rural Japan meets complex family dynamics built on a romance framework of city boy meets country boy, grumpy/sunshine. It’s beautiful and icy sweet. Slow moving in places but ultimately worth the patience, low heat, low angst, and stunning.

DNA Says Love You

Taiwan 2022 Gaga

DNA deserves extra marks for an upbeat approach to a queer story arc that other shows have systemically mishandled with sadness (in the guise of realism). There is a twist, which I found predictable, but knowing what would happen didn't spoil this show. The leads are luminous and engaging, and it’s full of queer found family representation and an unexpected amount of domesticity, plus it’s Taiwan, so the kisses are great. The first few eps are rough going but have patiences, it's worth it as the last ones really are special and life/love affirming - and the end is big-grin charming.

My Tooth Your Love

Taiwan 2023 Viki

Earnest dentist hottie with sad eyes who worries too much is smitten by an adorable sunshine neurotic bar owner with serious anxiety issues. They fall madly in love while courting each other with food, plushies, and naps. Then, shocker, talk about their feelings and try to actually sort out their problems so they can have an adult relationship. Bonus crumbs = 18 year old poor little rich kid in mad crush with a much older man. I really enjoyed this show, it had a unique premise, killer dialogue, there was a solid lead pair with charming chemistry, soft flirtation, delightful smiling kisses, and stinkingly cute domesticity.

Where Your Eyes Linger

Korea 2020 Viki

Ostensibly high school set about a poor kid whose been raised in a mafia kid’s family specifically to protect him (whipping boy trope, attack dog variant). Themes of codependency and survival with pretty classic Korean style romance ending.

TharnType

Thai 2019 Viki

This Thai BL has everything: university setting, great acting and complex characters, interesting friendship groups, enemies to lovers, angsty coming out, high production values, AMAZING chemistry, and multiple BL side couples with all the issues. But when I said everything I meant it because there's also: damaging queer rep, strong seme/uke and husband/wife language, classic tropes and lots of them, child abuse, bullying, mental illness, rough play, dub-con, non-con, and statutory rape (by the seme/gay character).

and its spin off: Don't Say No also qualifies for this post.

In fact most Mame stuff will involved trauma & drama, specifically.

Love By Chance 2

Love in the Air (Part 2)

Wedding Plan

Some others but I'm getting tired:

I Told Sunset About You et al

You Are Mine

Dear Doctor, I'm Coming for Your Soul

Ghost Host Ghost House

But frankly there are a ton more depending on how you look at it. I mean, what about Why R U? FIghter's dad is the issues with him coming out, but it's not really in the plot until late so ?

Lakorn BL drama llama soaps & similar

Moonlight Chicken - review here

Laws of Attraction

To Sir, With Love - review here

Sirs not appearing on this list

Our Dining Table is driven by childhood trauma but not angsty, similar to Oxygen. Not Me is angsty and dramatic and family stuff, but that's not really the driver of the plot. Life Love On the Line is all angst but he brought it on himself.

(source)

Updated Nov 19, 2023, no intention of adding to this so if you want more, look at the comments. Someone is bound to get annoyed their favorite isn't on the list.

#bls with lots of angst #bl with family drama #bl with past trauma #pain for the pretty boys #until we meet again #thai bl #Blueming #korean bl #Tokyo in April is #Shigatsu no Tokyo wa #japanese bl #The Eighth Sense #Bad Buddy #Bed Friend #Lovely Writer #Happy Merry Ending #The Eclipse #About Youth #Taiwanese BL #dna says love you #Restart After Come Back Home #Risutato wa tadaima no ato de #my tooth your love #Where Your Eyes Linger #TharnType

[qprstobin]

I enjoy touch starved Steve bc it's a brand of angst I like, but I also have trouble reconciling it with "what if we fused together to become one person" Stobin

#like if thats the only touch he gets that makes sense but like a lot of steve angst #it can be weird about stobin #like ur telling me they arent bumping shoulders holding hands playing with each others #hair all the time?? #walkie chatter

[scribbling-dragon]

i love writing a fic specifically for me. a little treat for myself. i no longer care if it makes sense, i am having fun. my target audience is ME

#this is about the lizzie angst fic im writing #it's gotten weird and im loving it. i don't think ANY of it makes sense anymore but that's fine <3 i am loving this #a lot of things i write for me just don't get posted. mostly bc i don't think its good enough to post a lot of the time ;-; #but i think this one has reached the level of insanity where i'll post it anyway #juno.talks

[ferretwhomst]

thinking so hard abt how belos and odalia played similar roles in hunter and amity's lives

they're pathetic excuses for parental figures, bringing up children and expecting them to live up to their own personal "blueprints" for them, stripping them of their autonomy in different ways.

in hunter's case, he's forced to be belos' idealized version of caleb without even knowing it. the golden guard's uniform has stayed mostly the same through time, which shows us that belos doesn't see them as individuals who deserve to be recognized as such, moreso as expendable objects. this one betrayed me? this one failed the task i assigned? no problem! i'll just kill them and make a new one. plus, hunter unknowingly faces additional pressure due to the fact that he looks more like caleb than the other grimwalkers.

in amity's case, odalia is obviously trying to turn her into a mini-version of herself. she takes away mostly everything that makes amity similar to her dad- she forces her to dye her hair the same mint green color, she puts more pressure on amity to perform well than the twins (which leads her to grow resentful towards them, which in turn allows for odalia to control them more easily. divide and rule and all that) and don't even get me started on how deeply invasive that whole amulet business was.

then there's shots like THIS featuring the Shoulder Touch of Manipulation TM

which just... parallel each other so eerily. i can't stop thinking abt it. both belos and odalia are behaving as if they're acting in hunter and amity's best interests when really they're only using them for their own selfish motives (the whole "i can't let the same happen to you" thing from belos as if he isn't willing to murder hunter the second he begins to deviate from his will, and odalia cutting amity off from all positive outside influences- ie anyone who could empower her, anyone who could make amity believe that she deserves better than how her parents treat her- under the pretence of "protecting" her). i'm eating drywall right now.

#also also #putting this in tags bc i dont feel like it adds onto the original post its just my thoughts #also sorry if this doesnt make sense im not very coherent rn but. #this whole thing is part of why i dislike when people just #disregard the amity-hunter sibling dynamic solely in favor of plttwins #like yes i get the appeal! and yes i love them too! #their dynamic is fun and they parallel philip and caleb in so many ways even #but amity and hunter have so much in common as well #even without reading my whole spiel its canonically established in eclipse lake #that both of them have a lot of expectations to live up to #that shit could be used to build a really good fanon dynamic and allow for some especially great angst #but noooo:-( #toh #the owl house #toh analysis #the owl house analysis #hunter wittebane #hunter the golden guard #hunter deamonne #hunter blight #hunter toh #amity blight #amity toh #emperor belos #belos toh #philip wittebane #philip toh #odalia blight #odalia toh #ferret rambles

[neon-leon22]

just a short story I wrote about how I interpret wanderer's relationship with the raiden shogun puppet:)

#genshin impact #wanderer #scaramouche #genshin wanderer #genshin scaramouche #raiden shogun #genshin raiden #sibling angst #what if scenario #I feel like their relationship has so much potential #as well as just the raiden shogun puppet in general #unfortunately a lot of people only view her as an extension of ei which in some sense she is #but if scara can be his own person why can't she:/ #my writing #fanfic #angst

[babymagi]

The first one to betray me was a god

My creator

My mother

#little bit of angst for hakuryuu <3 #i put a lot of little angsty details in this but you can't rlly see them :v #anyways i love drawing his hair it's so funny and doesn't make sense yet somehow it's easy to draw and render lol #magi #magi labyrinth of magic #magi kingdom of magic #magi fanart #fanart #babymagi's fanart arc #digital art #ren hakuryuu #hakuryuu ren #hakuryuu magi #ren hakuryuu magi #ren hakuryuu fanart #hakuryuu magi fanart #hakuryuu ren fanart #ren hakuryuu magi fanart #angst

[bonerot19]

lots of angst…

how many bocces of tissue do I need to prepare 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️

depends on whether or not I ever finish writing it 😪

it's called that bc it starts off with something very heavy happening to Jason (steph and jason are grabbed by black mask and he knows jason won't talk but he thinks he can make steph talk by hurting jason) and is, essentially, the bats feeling like shit and Jason wanting them to leave him alone and no one having any boundaries and Bruce assuming Jason will do something vengeful. also Roy is there but the more I learn about Roy outside of fanon, the more I hesitate to write JayRoy (but also I like iiiit)

and also Jason says: “But that’s the problem, Bruce. I keep my promises, but you never trust me. And you’re a liar, but I always believe you.”

#I-just-want-to-see #i have quite a lot written but I don't know how I feel about writing the literal opening scene #like #it's SA the thing that happens is SA and i thought about changing the plot to take that out but i think it makes the plot make less sense #so maybe I'll finish this one day #bc it has a lot of Jason being better than the bats give him credit for #and everyone always expecting the worst even when they think they arent #(jason is stuck in a collapsed building with black mask at one point and bruce tells him he has to save mask) #(and everyone is mad at him for telling jason to do that) #(but jason is mad that they would assume he wouldnt) #((bc he keeps his promises and he promised he wouldnt kill unless he needed to)) #my fic!! #you see where all of the angst is tho