#seriously feels like it’s been longer

[duckprintspress]

Urgent: Help Us Not Get Screwed

Anyone who follows us has seen us screaming from the hill-tops about our current crowdfunding campaign for Aether Beyond the Binary (17 aetherpunk stories! Outside the gender binary main characters!). We've only got 50 hours left...and we just got screwed.

Our Anthology Kickstarter is being scammed.

About two hours ago, with us still roughly $1,500 from our goal, we got a junk pledge for almost $2,000. This pushed us into being marked as "funded" but there is zero chance it's a real pledge, it's from a shell account marked as being in Turkey. This kind of money doesn't just fall like a miracle into the laps of small business like ours.

The timing on this attack is devastating. The final 48 hours of a campaign are absolutely critical, especially for one as close to meeting our goal as we are. We were very likely to hit our target, but doing so was going to require appeals to y'all that started with "hey, we're so close, please help spread the word." Further, the campaign has hundreds of followers who will get a notification at the 48 hour mark, and many who might have backed to help get us to the finish line will now think "oh, they're there, they don't need me," and not back. Meanwhile, one of two things will happen with the spam pledge: either it will get removed by Kickstarter, which could take hours or a day+, totally nuking us during this crucial window, or it won't get removed until the payment bounces post-campaign, at which point we won't actually have enough money to do fulfillment.

Either way, we are fucked.

Please, please don't let these dipshits ruin the love and passion that 30+ people have poured into this project for over a year.

Our campaign IS NOT FUNDED, and it won't be without help. I'm begging, help spread the word about how we're getting screwed, and help spread the word about Aether Beyond the Binary (visit the link for so much info!) so that we can get enough real pledges to fund this project we've poured our hearts and souls into.

SUPPORT THE QUEER ANTHOLOGY KICKSTARTER FOR AETHER BEYOND THE BINARY (with your pledges or with signal boosts!)

#unforth rambles #like seriously guys i feel sick #this is a disaster #and the absolute earliest KS can do anything about it is in another 2 hours when their offices open #but it will probably take longer #someone else i know running a campaign right now it took 24 plus hours to get rid of an $8k spam pledge on their campaign #we WILL NOT FUND if it takes that long #in my submission to KS support I've begged them to give us another day #but even that's only a stop-gap because we've been advertising as ending tomorrow #there's no fixing this #i'm so upset i'm nauseous

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

WIFI IS MINE ONCE AGAIN as i sit on a mattress on the floor

#it feels like ive been without it for so long... #it has been... three and a half days... i am Weak.... #nah jk i wouldve been find without it for much longer #but boy howdy am i Glad to be able to use my dear beloved laptop again #i am In The New Place i am Beginning To Settle #tomorrow i begin unpacking my own stuff!!! exciting!!! #i cant wait to admire all of my Things! #ohhhh and i finally have a spot on the wall for my combo whiteboard/corkboard.... #im still very stressed and i want to lay in a hole but!! #i am doing slightly better than a few days ago! #the weather has been nice... cool and rainy... i am not used to cool and rainy #its also cold and i am - unfortunately - a desert creature #suffice to say i am wearing hand warmers a hoodie and a blanket #absolutely unprompted #the place's last owner Didnt Fucking Clean though #so there have been many spiders. and cobwebs. and general Grime we will have to scrub #like seriously today i was dusting the ceiling. THE CEILING. #had to dust & vacuum the windowsills... gonna scrub my bathroom tomorrow... #theres a large tear in my bedroom carpet too... #ugh and the cabinets are Small so organizing all the spices and shit has been Rancid #stuff has to go out of place and you cant see it all and MY ORGANIZATIONAL SYSTEMS ARE CRUMBLING #sometimes it feels like my adhd and autism are fistfighting but during a move? #lockstep babeyyyy. they are Streamlined. lots of things and lots of sorting & placing and eeheehee #i have also killed most of the freakishly huge mosquitos in the house so! things are better! #that first night was Rough! its better now! this shell is becoming a House!

[doctorsiren]

little PSA:

I have zero obligations to answer any asks sent in. I have zero obligations to draw something for those asks. There are many that I want to draw things for, and there are many that I just might reply to.

I have around 950 asks in my inbox (i had around 850-ish just last week). This is great, this is cool! I love it when people interact and send in asks!

Yet feeling like I need to respond to all of them, or feeling like I need to do art for them is incredibly draining.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t send something in. Please do! I love to read it and I do read every single one!

I am a busy person. I have life, uni, and other work I need to do. So I don’t like feeling like I have an obligation to do something that I know, in reality, I don’t have an obligation to do. I’m not mad or anything. I just wanted to give a little heads up, seeing as my inbox is nearing 1000 unanswered asks. (This is, of course, since I made this blog in 2020)

I love you all and I love all the interactions because it does genuinely bring me joy and this blog and the people who interact are a big place of happiness to me through my days. I thank you for your support and interaction. Just know that I am a person with stuff I gotta do. You get it haha

#doctorsiren #not art #siren speaks #phoenix divorce anon (who is no longer an anon to me haha) just know that I will be drawing up your asks someday bc I’ve been meaning to #but seriously y’all I love it when I’m sent the most random stuff #please don’t stop sending things in #I really do thank you #I just get overwhelmed when im made to feel like I have to do something #just be courteous ^^ #and I think this should apply to any blogs anyone interacts with #just know that there’s real people running these blogs and that they have lives and stuff to do !

[hammill-goes-fogwalking]

I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.

#not dislike. its hate #it made me cry several times today #thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers #and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING #its so painful to think of it #today I broke down in the bus and cried #idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside #maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams #the thing is that: #we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days #this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc) #and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste #*m) #my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise) #PLUS #the most provocating messages from the teacher: #“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH” #💔 #seriously #this breaks my heart #dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?! #why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality. #& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results. #once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing: #“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰” #you get it? #no- this peoson didnt learn. #no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons #AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them* #[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔

[darkwood-sleddog]

no idea where i'll go if tumblr falls. my dogs whole lives have been documented here. my training successes and failures. my literal everything. this blog has been the only time i've ever felt like i've built a community online. i really hope tumblr sticks around.

#dogblr #where are we going??? pillowfort? cohost? #i would seriously replicate a lot of the bigger posts that i've put lots of research into on those places #or neocities? idk that feels different community wise but not necessarily bad #i've been on tumblr longer than this blog has been alive my main is like 12 years old #i already have instagram and mutuals can feel free to add me on fb

[florencemtrash]

my poor fiancé has to deal with me screaming about shadowsinger and inkbird lmao THE MOST RECENT CHAPTER IS SO INSANELY GOOD i’m so so excited for our beloved little clairvoyant’s night court arc and training her powers and like!!! fuck!!! you’re so so talented and i am seated patiently for all the upcoming parts 🧎‍♀️🫶

Thank youuuuu. And shout out to all the supportive partners who have to deal with us after reading something 😂. I recently finished reading Iron Flame and immediately had to call my boyfriend at the airport like "I HAVE THOUGHTS AND I NEED TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU!"

And I'm really excited for Y/n's little Night Court arc as well! I loved writing about the Day Court because we don't get to see it in the books and I hope I did it justice, but let's be honest, Velaris has got some fun things Y/n will really enjoy.

I started writing chapter ten last night about her training and I can't wait to share it with you all when it's finished. This one's for the burnt out academic weapons who need support in their lives.

#no but seriously take care of yourselves y'all #y/n the academic weapon no longer feels like an academic nor a weapon #she's been through it guys #also i'm going to leave this in the tags but Nesta and Gwyn are going to make an appearance soon #i'll be honest I didn't read Nesta's book so her characterization might be a little off but I'm not sorry #the shadowsinger and the inkbird #azriel x reader #inbox answers

[godblooded]

so i’m pretty tired of feeling like i’m just supposed to take this and let it go because everyone’s busy but like. if i write you a meme reply here or on @clawsextended i’m asking you to at least like it so i know you saw it.

i don’t care if you want to continue it or not. i’d always prefer to, but i never expect it. it’s not out of the realm of politeness just to ask someone acknowledges that i wrote them something.

#ooc. o kaptain. #[like. when i drop someone like five paragraphs i was excited about and never get a response nor a like… well it feels a little bit like i #have no reason to be here. ‘Kat do things for yourself!’ yeah man i get it but shut the fuck up because rp is collaborative. like. at least #ACKNOWLEDGE that you saw it. otherwise?? seriously if somebody does this to me repeatedly im not answering shit for them. I’ve been here too #long and im genuinely exhausted of being taken for granted because apparently decorum no longer exists and there are no rules to #communication anymore. it’s absolutely absurd and im done with doing this ‘maybe im being too sensitive’. no. maybe i spent time caring #about something to do for someone else and it’s repeatedly forgotten.] #negativity / #[just fucking communicate.]

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

.

#tw suicide #no seriously heed the tw this is probably upsetting i just. i need to say it somewhere and i will not say it to my family. #puddleglum hours #personal #its just i was thinking. #tother day the doctor asked: do you regret it? about the suicide attempt tuesday night. #and i said something that i still feel: if i regret anything about it it's that i didn't succeed. #they're talking of discharging me tomorrow or something and im just. #what do i need to do to be kept in for longer?! damn it all i *know* how i could kill myself in here. #but i don't want to. i need them to save me #because i can't save myself! if they discharge me tomorrow i think it very likely ill be dead before the end of the week! or at least in #hospital from another attempt! this new med has made me more numb but the thoughts haven't gone away just muted. and then. #at times like this im perfectly wild about it! i cannot keep myself alive i need them to do it for me! #but when ive seen the doctor each time its been when im exhausted and numb and i don't care but that is not the case always. #i don't know. i don't see a good outcome any which way. #hopefully tomorrow the doctor sees me at a time when im feeling like this i think. #because i think i need to tell them. but i don't know how or even if it matters #and sometimes i just want to die. #im so tired of living guys. why #editing to add i am still on hiatus and if you want to contact me and know my discord contact me there #so i will not be responding to anything here for this moment at least

[todayisafridaynight]

At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in

i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment

#infinite wealth spoilers #snap chats #what reaaaaally hammered it in too if it wasnt obvious already was the execution of the jimas/daigo like that still irks me LMAO #i cant even remember what chapter that happened in i just know when it did i was utterly pissed #i think i started to take things less seriously once bryce entered the picture but thats only because of how distracting his VA was #like much love the JP voice actors who try to speak english and japanese but i just cant act like it's not incredibly distracting #esp when the character is supposed to be white yk what i mean- or at the very least their first language is supposed to be english #typically i can look over that thing if its a one or two time kind of deal but he had to speak in english much longer than others #im just rambling about bryce tho this aint bout him. i mean he could be a part of it the cult was executed really sloppily #it might have been the introduction of bryce actually ... i remember thinking to myself 'oh brother' with the whole messiah thing LMAO #maybe it was when kiryu told us his cancer cam from radiation instead of. smoking 💀 ESPECIALLY not even five chapters in #like straight out the gate you just wanna drop that on us mr I Can Do Everything Myself I Cant Worry Others ok #thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE #POINT IS this is not about Retrospect this is about First Impressions and memory warps over time #but i know for a fact i found the bleach japan thing utterly ridiculous and was squinting at the plot the entire time thereafter #like ive said this a million times at this point but although i love IW for it's gameplay (pardon some nitpicks like lack of shortcuts) #its story really feels so messy and had much to be desired. which is so sad after the wonderful stories rgg has been making since 0.. #BUT OH WELL im still excited to replay it in english. god willing i ever get the time #i still wanna finish lost judgment <- isnt even halfway through the game #and i wanna do a fun stream Maybe with YK2 but ill get into that when i get into that #if youve read this far. thanks LOL id say sorry for the novel but thats what we expect of me at this point

[tired-and-unjellied]

it would be nice if Yuno was aro. It could be a story about feeling lonely as an aro person cuz of that lack of proximity, but she still wants to indulge in her sexual drive, and casual dating gives a level of intimacy you can't quite find in hookups, without the whole romance and love thing of romantic relationships.

#too bad Kazui already screams aro person #like seriously I watched Cat the other day with the idea of gay Kazui in mind; I wanted to use a confirmation bias to see how gay Kazui #looks to people; and... it screamed aromantism to me. He saw Hinako loved him and figured “maybe if I try it; I will fall in love with her” #(something similar happened to me as well; but it was a summer camp where we were 12yo kids so it's different) #and some lines refers to a certain lack of warmth and proximity to others and that cat imagery #to me cats are those extremely independant guys that sometimes want to snuzzle but generally want to be left alone #they want to receive love and give back their love which is different from human love #I feel like Cat is exagerated and it was just Hinako finding he didn't love her back as she did #didn't eat a dove; he just acted like a cat and Hinako thought she married someone who could love her like a human #edit: ok; I watched Cat again #yeah he's probably gay #good thing I no longer have the aro Kazui pfp cuz that would have been awkward

[yeehawbvby]

Um. A fee I didn't know I was being charged for from the service I order meds from just came out of my bank account and now I have negative money

Anyone wanna pay me to write or doodle things for them?? ;;w;; My Ko-fi is in my pinned post if so.

Just let me know exactly what you want (and who you are, so I can contact you here! Or you can DM me letting me know which request was yours) and I'll get right to it. I don't have a commission sheet or anything so just give what you can and I'll do my best to make it worth it.

I'd really appreciate any help I can get right now from those of you who can spare it!!

#when i asked for money for my volo microorganism it felt silly and i was half joking. this is serious though and i feel rly bad about it tbh #i don't mean to beg but like. PLEASE consider #seriously ANY little bit helps #just. god. #been in a depressive episode for months. can't get a job. my health is worsening. i can't eat because my throat muscles no longer work #can barely sleep lately which is making it harder to apply for jobs and stuff. just had to have my partner pay over 1k in car repairs that #were necessary but i couldn't afford myself. still have to do christmas shit. still have to schedule my wisdom tooth surgery. #this feels terrible. everything is going so wrong lately. not to bring on the pity party but like holy shit lmao #i'm in shambles lately and idk how much the overdraft fees will be but just knowing I might be fucked is already tolling on me so hard #shut up crisa

[yohankang]

cut my hair really short and it feels so good omg

#it's been more than a year since i last cut it #and everyone's been telling me i shouldn't cut it bc i look good in longer hair #some people literally told me i should keep it long bc it makes me look more feminine and pretty #which is exactly what i DON'T want. i seriously don't know why i grew it out in the first place #maybe bc i was curious abt how i'd feel with longer hair... well now i know that's not me #and idc what people around me think #i finally look like a lesbian again lmaoo #god i needed it so bad #k.txt

[martyrbat]

i always get kinda embarrassed or sad about how fucking slow i am when reading something due to memory loss/having to read something again and again to actually process it because of my disabilities/my adhd and wavering attention span but like... i gotta kill the elementary school reading award pressure in my head.... reading isnt something restricted by time. its not a race to finish 50 books in two months. if i read a hundred pages in a day or if i cant even get through one, its okay, because theres always tomorrow or the day after. there's no time restraint or pressure to enjoy art in my own time in a way i actually can and shame is just gonna make my actual enjoyment of the book be tainted or my ability to actually read and retain information get worse.

#being disabled in public school was sooo damaging but its fine we live and we unlearn. #seriously was going ‘how have i read this for THIS long but im only up to this part???’ when!!!! it doesn't matter!!!! #i been reading for that long and am up to that part! im enjoying the story!! #who fucking cares if it takes a longer time than what may be ‘normal’ to get to it!!!! #for me again i gotta reread things SO many times or pause and collect my thoughts #but also just mini breaks. put it down for 5 min to listen to a song and shake up my brain while thinking about the book and how i like it #or to look at something else for a bit so i can concentrate on the words again #like reading is just something super time consuming and for so long i always felt embarrassed i couldn't read something as fast as others #do i just avoided books entirely (plus my ability to focus is lackluster at best) despite LOVING them. #i just gotta keep reminding myself hey... why are you feeling ashamed.. you arent fucking catholic get over it and your internalized ableism #ransom note

[frostbitesjc]

just saw someone on twitter say that geto wasn't a villain but a hero. media literacy is so dead

#im so pissed off actually like you dont have to twist a character into something theyre not just to justify your like #just because his backstory is sympathetic and downfall realistic doesnt mean that what he did was right #are his motivations understandable? yes! it also comes from a place of compassion but when its been so twisted to a point where he- #considers murder to be his only solution for the problem. i dont think it necessarily makes it good any longer #its a do the ends justify the means type argument i KNOW but imho the ends seriously does not justify it #he was absolutely shaped by a corrupted system and doomed since the very beginning with the cursed technique he generally considers to be- #revolting. despite that i feel like it doesn't completely absolve him from his actions. like. you know. murder #so annoyed rn goodbye #geto suguru #jjk #frostbitesjc thinks out loud

[kyouka-supremacy]

Thoughts on odazai? I wondered if your reasons for disliking dazai apply to this ship since it doesn't seem to function the same way other popular dazai ships do

Mmmmhh okay first off, I'm afraid my dislike for Dazai transcends all ships (╥﹏╥)

But I do think odazai is very enjoyable for its own uniqueness!! Oda is the only person Dazai respects, literally, and that's bound to make their relationship distinctive and unique. I feel like respect should come with every healthy relationship, so you see the appeal here? Odazai is the only ship that shows a side of Dazai that finally feels authentic– it shows a side of Dazai that is willing to care. For the rest of the franchise Dazai's character is pretty much up to interpretation, there's the mystery element of never being able to tell what's going through his mind, but Oda's existence alone is enough to show us a true face of Dazai for once– which is nice, because Oda showed us a side of Dazai that is capable of love. Which wasn't exactly predictable given Dazai's nihilism, cruelty and apparent disregard of human life; and yet even him is capable of love. And he truly is! Even if you don't like them romantically, Dazai's love (platonic, if you prefer) for Oda is undeniably there, and it's nice, it's miraculous to get to witness it. In a way, Anon, maybe you're right! I don't like Dazai, and still odazai has the power of making Dazai feel sympathetic: because it shows you a man who cares about another person, and who would do anything for them; and then that person is taken away from him. You just can't not feel sympathy for that, it's inherently human to relate to and be touched by another man's suffering, and a thousand times more so when such suffering is moved by love. Odazai is the only ship that makes me want to ship it because I think it would make Dazai happy, and makes me feel happy for him.

Odazai is a sweet, tragic, comforting ship. People have definitely put it more eloquently and in detail than me, but it's just the completely lack of judgement on both sides which is SUCH an appealing aspect. They can be their true authentic selves with each other, and it must have been so staggering and exhilarating and overwhelming for Dazai specifically who probably didn't even know who he himself was– how much human he could be. There's the mutual respect, the genuine admiration. There's the feeling of being accepted and understood like they aren't by anyone else– they both share this morally grey view of the world, and they are the only ones who aren't judgemental of the other's lack of morals; they get each other. In a world that results meaningless to them, they can be each other's reason to live. Then there's the making each other better?? Seriously, what other ship makes Dazai even slightly better. Oda canonically changed Dazai's whole existence prompting him to do good for the rest of his life with six words. And again, the fact alone that Oda is the only person to ever make Dazai capable of love– that's as good as it can get! Dazai is the best he can be as soon as he allows himself to be vulnerable and emotional and soft and honest, and Oda prompted him to do exactly that. And I know that's very arguable, but we literally do not know if Dazai ever truly loved anyone after joining the good guys, or if he's just doing good things because Oda asked him to instead of having an innate will to do good for a genuine love of human beings– maybe he's really doing all of that solely because he loved a man and he will never love anyone else; we really have no way to know, and it's up to interpretation. My take, while we're at it (because I'm drunk on tiredness and I can't stop talking), is that Dazai, even if coming from a place of having no fondness for humans and exclusively doing good because he was asked to rather than for a true conviction, got so accustomed to doing good, he actually... Became good (Aristotle and moral virtue being something you can get better at by practicing it). In that case, Oda would be someone who literally taught Dazai to love, and that's beautiful in its own way.

I didn't get much into Oda's side of the relationship; I feel like I don't know Oda a lot, I only watched the Dark Era episodes of the anime once ten months ago and even Beast doesn't feel like giving away much of his personality. But I do like to think he would love Dazai; if else, I feel like Dazai too is a special person to Oda like no one else is.

Also like, there's the fact that they're quite literally canon. Like I don't know what to tell you it's literally there. Not that many men out there Osamu Dazai would literally abandon everything he's ever known, completely turn his life upside down, start doing good without even believing in good, for. Characters who aren't canonically gay but who's actions don't make any sense until you interpret them as gay and stuff. It barely even count as queerbating tbh like it's just right there.

#Writing this was illuminating. Still don't like Dazai tho 😔 #osamu dazai #I feel... Some of this *may* apply to Daz/atsu too but I have mixed feelings about it #sakunosuke oda #odazai #If they use the same criteria to write the name on Dazai's tomb they did for Oda it's literally going to say “o.dazai” #bsd #bungou stray dogs #mine #people asks me stuff #Thank you for this ask! As you can see I love giving my opinion on matters lmao #Besides yesterday I finally got around to finish watching the Beast movie and man I was not prepared for– #Dazai's voice cracking at the bar Lupin scene that scene was so good #Tbh for most of the time in the bsd fandom I thought fyo/dazai was my favorite Dazai ship but tbh... #I think I might have been mistaken to assume that #I mean I never thought about fyo/dazai as intensely as I do for odazai #And granted I don't think about Dazai a lot either way but still /////// #I MAY have rewatched some odazai bits from s2 ep4 and I MAY have gotten a little bit too emotional over these two #I mean. Dazai's desperation seriously??? Why is he suddenly so human??? I can't make this post any longer but I'm sobbing #I'm thinking about that time - I made a post about it that's going to be published at some point but whatever - #that time I was showing Oda's death scene to my cousin for whatever reason #And Dazai entered and he throws his coat away #And my cousin goes “what was that why did he throw his coat away” #And I answered without beating an eye “because that coat represents his position at the pm and everything he's ever known #and he's willing to throw all of that away and leave everything behind without even thinking about it if it's for Odasaku” #I'm not sure where that came from so promptly but I still think about it a lot #The fact that Odasaku spent the last moments of his life advising his friend on how to live because he cared about him– #and his last wish was literally for him to be happy and live a peaceful life. Okay that was not very heterosexual of you #Bones didn't have Dazai cry in that scene because they're cowards

[britneyshakespeare]

i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.

the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.

and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.

when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.

i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.

i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!

because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?

in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.

like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.

i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.

and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.

i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.

i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.

i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.

but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.

that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.

#tales from diana #long post #sorry i should probably put this under a read more but it was just a long stream of consciousness #and idk. im tired. im so tired #do you wanna be known as the substitute teacher a kid kept touching inappropriately? probably not #thank god for the first para i told bc she took it really seriously seemingly. i mean idk what she told him in their conversation #not EXACTLY what she told him. she obviously said this was wrong and she reiterated in learning center again #that if that were her daughter she'd be through the roof and that she'd be telling his regular para #i mean of course i had to tell the regular para directly. i would rather it come from my mouth #i'm the one who has the most information of how and why it happened. i think other ppl telling it would just reduce it to #'he thought she was so pretty and he kept staring at and touching her legs cuz she wore a skirt' like come on #the indignity of that! #i already feel undignified enough. #and also thank god for the social studies teacher. the more im processing this the more im like thank god #i dont know him well. he had already been a nice dude to me before in my interactions w him #like as a sub you notice the people who are really affirming of the strange and irregular work you do #earlier this week i was subbing for the math teacher across the hall for instance and he came in before class started and said #that if anyone's giving me a hard time to just send them to him. bc that group can be a little rowdy/wild #my classroom discipline skills are not that bad where i felt the need to have someone more experienced defend me so to speak #like i know i look young and am assumed to be new. but with most classes. i can handle most misbehavior #i can put my foot down in a way kids normally respect. i know how to keep em on task #and for MOST of the day with this kid that's what i was doing. but if that social studies teacher hadn't done what he did #i might not feel so bold in just straight up walking away from that kid. after saying stop stop stop repeatedly #like he had his own job to do independent of me but i remember the gestures and like. i could cry. he KNEWWWW #that's just a very trustworthy person i feel. he didn't want me to suffer through that any longer #a lot of teachers (unfortunately) largely ignore the kids with paras and/or expect the paras to communicate to the kid exclusively #that teacher is not like that. he was willing to mind that boy while i escaped that situation. so so grateful to him