Horny Disaster: "I don't know what you're talking about! I'm a consummate professional!"
Her Boss: "...Are you?"
HD: "I've consummated professionally."
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Roll for dick punch
It was the second session of our new campaign and the DM had created an NPC who was a purple tiefling that was obviously supposed to be a plot hook and take us to our next destination in his caravan. The assimir wizard of the party, however, was being a bit of a dick in classic "it's what my character would do fashion" and trying to piss the NPC off. I was playing a halfling bloodhunter at the time and was trying to rerail the situation and be friendly with the NPC until this happened and I decided the opportunity was too great.
DM: So after you insult his parentage, the tiefling glares at you and starts walking back to his caravan.
Assimar wizard: How is he doing that? We've surrounded him.
DM: He uh, he actually steps over the halfling.
Halfling bloodhunter: Wait, seriously?
Halfling bloodhunter: Well then I punch him in the dick.
DM: You what?
Halfling bloodhunter: Well, that seems like a very rude thing to do, and I'm down here, and he's up there, and I'd like to punch him right where the sun don't shine.
Assimar wizard: *laughing hysterically* What do you have to roll to get that?
Halfling bloodhunter: Good point. *turns to DM* What's the AC of his dick?
We were invited to a fancy meeting and the host was wearing nothing but underwear and cool pirate hat. He took it off in order to greet us and asked whether we were having a good time.
Monk: Yeah, if the hat will be the last thing you take off. Please?
After a failed perception roll trying to see into his parents room
Fighter: "Oh god they're gonna be fucking aren't they... Or dead."
Demonic stand-up is something different.
"You don't appreciate the implication than the sphinx in charge of your guild takes it up the backside, but given her sheer size, you can't help but chuckle at the absurdity of spire towers being involved."
Wizard: Listen, if they call a spell Grease, it should be flammable.
Fighter: But it’s not organic. It’s from the aether or something.
Wizard: Then it should be called Astral Glide.
Paladin, to the bard: We have a job to do, I don't care how much you want to "have fun" or "get dicked"
DM, OOC: Please don't say get dicked in [Paladin]'s voice.
Paladin: Get dicked, God.
"I want to give him the ol dick twist."
-a member of the party, who then rolled a nat 20 and ripped the man's dick off. This was the first session btw.
our sorcerer: I cast a Melf’s Minute Meteors
the rest of the party in unison: MILFS MINUTE METEORS???
we proceeded to call them milf’s mommy milkers for the rest of the game
Party member: Vampirism isn’t an STD, is it?
DM: Only one way to find out
It's a medical condition
Context: Our druid (Shriek) is a goblin princess and has 12 older goblin prince brothers. The party wants to know why she has so many siblings.
Druid: The goblin royal doctor said my dad had a medical condition called - “He Fucks.”
Warlock: Shriek, that’s not an actual medical condition.
Druid: But the doctor said his dick will explode if he doesn’t “get it” regularly.
Paladin: Shriek, that’s not how that works.
Druid: The doctor said that its really bad if his dick explodes because then he can’t pee since pee is stored in the balls.
Barbarian:….Shriek when this is all done, we are going to take you to an actual medical professional.
(Context: Our nonbinary bard was introducing themself at a party)
NPC: Terribly sorry to bother you friend, but are you a man or a woman?
Bard, winking at them: I’m a slut. Come see me tonight
Context: we were playing a oneshot that involved trying to get to the top of a wizard tower floor by floor. The party had been trapped on a floor in what appeared to be a child’s room for a while.
Bard: I use these blocks to spell the word “TOP”
DM: oh my god, that’s it. That’s the solution. I’ve never had a player solve this puzzle before.
Bard: wait, really? I just did that to make a joke about my sex life.
During a modern zombie apocalypse campaign, the two female survivors/players meets their sheriff companion:
DM: He's an old guy but he's pretty stable, definitely able to stand his ground.
Player 1: Omg, is he hot? Can I roll for hotness?
DM: What - I guess I can do that.
*DM rolls an 18*
DM: Okay. He is wracking massive muscles despite his age, his pecs are pushing against his shirt.
Player 2: Ohhhhh, he's a daddy.
Player 1: I call dibs!
DM: So Anna is one of those like - she's like a Russian buff lady. Although she may lack the intelligence, brawn over brains -
Player 2: Buff lady - is she gay?
Player 1: You can try to roll for gayness.
DM: *just wants to get on with the campaign* Alright.
*DM rolls 4*
DM: Hah, not this time.
Player 2: Nooooo, damn it!
By the end of the campaign, the party managed to escape the zombie apocalypse since it was successfully contained in that city. DM narrating the after credits:
DM: And so the four survivors successfully escapes the zombie apocalypse. To celebrate, the four of them had a steamy foursome.
Player 1 and 2: Wooooh!
DM: And - after that whole ordeal, Anna may or may not have realized that she's bisexual.
Player 2: Yes!! The best ending of all time! *high fives Player 1* I am completely satisfied.
DM: *so done with their shit*
Paladin, very seriously: ... and this is my horse, Sanctity.
Bard, rogue and warlock, immediately: Titty :D
The rogue, the monk, the wizard and the druid are going to the brothel to get information from some of the *ahem* workers. The rogue is looking specifically for info. The monk is looking for info and a good time. The druid is there to supervise/lookout. And the wizard is… tagging along.
The monk to the madam: “We’d like to see who’s working tonight.”
Wizard: “Wait, what?”
The madam calls over an array of her finest workers.
Monk: “Excellent. Shall we?”
Wizard: “Woah. Hold on.”
The monk and the rogue start to go the rooms.
Wizard: “Hey wait just a damn minute! What am I supposed to do?”
Monk blinks at her: “What do you mean what are you supposed to do? It’s a brothel.”
Wizard: “Yeah but I didn’t know we’d be doing anything.”
Everyone starts laughing hysterically.
Monk through laughter: “Then why did you come?”
Wizard: “You guys said there’d be music!”
The laughing does not get any better.
Monk: “Oh, there’s gonna be music alright.”
Bonus: The rogue was too shy to make a move after she got the info and ended up playing cards with the worker all night.
Fey Touched? YEAH she is!
The warlock (me) when leveling up and taking the Fey Touched feat. Her girlfriend is an archfey.
“If I transform into an animal and have sex with another animal of the same species, is it bestiality?” -The druid, attempting to seduce a giant spider broodmother.