could i please request some nikolai childhood friends to lovers? your writing is incredible!!!
pairing: nikolai lantsov x reader
warnings: fluff; swearing; reader is a heartrender.
a/n: i'm so happy you enjoy my writing! tysm for requesting honey and yes this is headcanons AGAIN i swear i'm addicted... if any of you have a problem with it just make it clear when requesting i won't mind <33 anyways i hope you like it even though i honestly think this is crap
also someone requested something similar but tumblr keeps VANISHING MY ASKS OUT OF NOWHERE??? i have no idea where did it go so anon if you see this this is for you too!!
even after years living in the little palace, you have never liked that place
sure it started feeling like your home after so much time
but you still didn't feel like you belonged anywhere there
you had genya and eventually alina when she got to the little palace, but that was all
people just didn't try to be nice to you, and you were happy in treating them the same way
until nikolai lantsov happened
he came into your life so suddently you're still not sure how it exactly happened
you were both really young, but little y/n still managed to pretty much despise every single kid her age besides genya
maybe because you were dragged out of your life and thrown at the palace to train with people you have never seen in your life
and because every single kid in that place wanted something from you
they wanted to best you, to be greater than you
the way you were literally split into groups and resumed in colors, for saints' sake, didn't help too
like who the fuck had this idea? you had always hated it
you hated those colors, and you hated even more the red kefta you had to wear everyday and know that people would judge you because of a simple piece of clothe
so the fact that nikolai wasn't grisha helped a lot
you were scared at first, actually
that he wouldn't want to be your friend because of what you were
but after some time you realized he would never judge you because of your powers, like other otkazat’sya would do
nikolai, however, knew from the first time he saw you that you were one of the few people that didn't give a fuck about him being a prince
actually, as you grew up, there was some times you even forgot about his status
he was just nikolai, and you were just y/n
you were inseparable, nikolai was always at the little palace to see you
because you hated the grand palace even more than you hated your 'home' and he knew that
nikolai was the only one you let see all of you, even the parts that scared you
you told him about your fears about not being enough to serve in the second army
and he always, always made sure to reassure you and say that you were the most strong and brave person he has ever met
and you told him about smaller things too
like how you hated some of your classmates
and the way you described them made nikolai hate them too
because if someone hurts you, then he automatically hates them
"ugh, i fucking hate his guts."
"i know, right?! me too!"
nikolai told you about his life inside the grand palace, too
the horrible things people said about him when they thought he was not hearing
the neglect he got from pretty much everyone in his family
and, of course, how he was afraid of the throne that might be hand down to him if anything ever happened to vasily
you fucking hated his brother with every strength left in you
like you just wanted to punch him so hard
"you think i would get in trouble if i made vasily's heart stop? just for a minute-"
nikolai would literally have to hold you back, but he couldn't stop laughing. "you murderous little thing."
it's not like he could judge you anyways
you defended him, and he defended you
it has always been this way, always
he got in a fight with a fucking tidemaker who insulted you once
you almost passed out from concern
"you could have died!"
"it's not that serious."
"oh, yeah! he just tried to fucking drown you!"
you swore you would stop telling him about any trouble you got in after that, but he always found out somehow
you couldn't keep nothing away from nikolai
not even the way you started to feel about him after you grew older
things got really complicated as soon you realized you weren't kids anymore
you missed him more than you should whenever he was away traveling
and you could never not notice how you always were the first person he saw after he got back
you could never not notice how pretty much every living soul in ravka would give anything to get a chance with the prince, too
and you hated it more than you would like to admit
it hurt you more than you would like to admit when you could hear his heartbeat speed up when he was near some other girl who wasn't you
you have never hated your powers more than you hated it in those times
when you could feel nikolai's blood pressure rise to the sight of a beautiful girl who could never be you
you hated every single thing you felt about him, because he was your best friend, and could never be more than this
you hated to think you two would never stood a chance, because there was so many things in the way
like the fact he might be king of ravka one day, and you would always be just grisha
just another soldier serving in the second army
the most powerful heartrender in the corporalki order, that was the only title you would ever get
nikolai could be king, for fuck's sake
he would most probably marry a princess who you could never compare to
and what hurt the most was to think that even though you could excuse all of this, you could never get away from your power
you would live for centuries, if you ever got powerful enough for this
and nikolai... nikolai just wouldn't
these things hurt way too much, they made your heart clench and your eyes burn with tears everytime you thought about any of it
so you buried it all deep down inside your heart
you stopped noticing everything that gave you hopes of nikolai feeling something for you
and in the worst time possible, because that was the exact time when he fell in love with you
it's like you made yourself blind to everything he did that wasn't in a friendly like manner
so you were never able to hear the way his breathing changed whenever he saw you for the first time in the day
how he literally always lost his ability to breathe properly for a couple of seconds at the sight of you
and you didn't see the way he made everything in his power to make you notice him, because you have already convinced yourself that he would never want to have any more than friendship with you
but it was definitely there to everybody else to see, he didn't even bother hiding it
it was so obvious like, him staring at your lips for way too long
"i'm sorry, what were you saying?"
"for saints' sake, nikolai..."
"i was distracted!"
or him coming back from every one of his expeditions with gifts for you
every single one of them.
and then how he had the brightest smile on his face whenever you wore or used something he gave you
he keeps everything you give him, too
no matter how small it is
one time you were in his room, almost rotting out of boredom
when you found a letter you wrote for him for his birthday inside one of his drawers
in this day, something touched that deep place in your heart where you hid your feelings for him
and after that, it was like something small awakened in you at every one of his gestures
you felt this thing stirring inside you when alina had a interesting conversation with you in your room one day
"people think you and nikolai are a thing, you know that?" she said out of nowhere, sitting on your bed while you did a simple braid on your hair in front of the mirror
you scoffed. "why would they think that?"
"i think it's the way he acts around you."
your fingers stopped on your hair. you narrowed your eyes. "what way?"
alina chuckled, as if the answer to that was obvious. "like he would get on his knees and ask you to marry him any time."
you had to laugh at that. "alina, i'm a heartrender, nikolai is to be king..."
the serious expression on alina's face made you stop talking. "maybe it is time to ravka to be led by a grisha."
those words haunt you for days
was she right? but most importantly, would nikolai care that you are grisha? would anything in this world stop him from loving you?
deep, deep down, you already know the answer to all of this questions
and you felt like you needed to put an end to this
so you ask nikolai to meet you at the lake one night
he's already there when you arrive
you're exhausted, your body sore from the training lessons you had earlier that day
your hair is messy, your braid almost completely undone
your face is red and you're out of breath because you had to run your way there since you're a bit late
but when nikolai turns around to face you
well, his expression is pretty much like what you imagined it would be if you punched him in the face
you stop abruptly
"what? is something wrong?"
he shakes his head, then avoids your gaze, looking anywhere but your eyes
he gestures to your kefta, the one you wear literally every single day
"you just look good in red."
it shouldn't have hit you with so much force
red. the color you hate so much because of what it tells about what you are
the color you've hated your whole life because of what it meant
he thinks you look good in red
you hate that color
yet, you feel good wearing it now
it feels... right
because nikolai likes you besides that color, besides of what it means
he likes you besides of what you are... no.
honestly? you thinks he likes what you are
that thing inside you finally explodes
you walk the few steps that are between you and him, almost running
nikolai's eyes are wide as you approach him because tears are running down your face and a sob lefts your lips
he's about to ask what's wrong when you throw both your arms around his neck
and kiss him
nikolai loses his balance when your bodies collide, taking a step back, but he still holds you close while doing so, his hands not leaving your waist
you hear it then
his heart, you hear it now
you hear the way his heart races furiously, beating just as fast as yours
you more than hear it, you feel the way your heartbeats are in unison
it sounds like a song you've been waiting to hear your whole life, and feels like everything you could ever ask for
when you pull away, your chest is going up and down fast against his, almost every part of your bodies are touching one another's
your face is so close to his you can see every single freckle on his face, and you can see the exact color of his eyes - you have always wondered if they were bright brown or dark green
none of you says anything for a moment, the cold air tickles your nose as you start to understand what just happened
nikolai is the first to speak
"it took you long enough."
"i'm going to throw you into that lake."
he throws his head back when he laughs, his arms still wrapped around you. "seriously, there was some times i wanted to grab you by the shoulders and shake you until you realized that i love you already."
"why didn't you do that? it would have been easier."
"i was too afraid you were going to throw me into a lake."
you laugh, but the sound fades as soon as you realize what he just said
nikolai smiles at you, as if he knows what you just realized
"you... love me?" your voice is barely above a whisper, as if you're afraid it isn't true
"isn't that obvious?"
"say it again."
"what? isn't that obvious?"
you roll your eyes. "not that, you idiot, the other part."
"i love you."
you wrap your arms around him again, hugging him this time, your face sinking in the crook of his neck as if to hide your giant smile
"i love you too."
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