Razor's Edge
Between the Bones (Leon x GN! Reader) - Chapter 18
If you've learned one thing, it's that moments of peace never last long.
(Cross-posted from Ao3)
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Chapter Index
TW: PTSD, angst, terrible coping mechanisms
There wasn’t much sleep to be found that night, and Leon was glad it was for a different reason than seeing ghosts dance in the dark. No, that night, he lay awake with only you on his mind. He found himself peering through the shadows, looking towards where your bunk was - one row up and two to the left - wondering if, maybe, you were having trouble sleeping for the same reasons.
It made him feel a little ridiculous, that he was so excited to feel your touch, but he didn’t have it in him to feel embarrassed by it anymore. He was still young and now, for the first time in months, he actually felt it.
He felt like a person again, instead of a cog in a machine, being crushed and reforged into something he wasn’t.
So, however silly it was, he let his excitement keep him up long into the night, and when he finally slept, he dreamed of you. Only of you. His mind graced him with your touch, your taste, and Leon was all too happy to let the dream overtake him.
In the morning, he wondered if you knew what he was dreaming about, because as you and the rest rose from bed, your eyes found his instantly. The sweet torture began then and there. The anticipation. He wasn’t sure then how he was going to endure the countdown until evening, not when you were so close to him all day. Just out of reach. He glimpsed the skin of your back as you got ready, sliding your shirt on. Keeping your back to everyone. Hiding your scars. Then he caught you looking his way as he pulled his own shirt over his head.
You grinned - so small that only someone who knew to look for it would catch it - and Leon wished he could grab time and push it past him. He wanted the day to blur by, to skip ahead.
When you all formed up for morning drills, though, and Leon saw more of a storm than a person when he looked at Major Krauser, he knew that the day would, in fact, be a long one.
It wasn’t the running with munitions cases that clued Leon in to the fact that Krauser was angry, or the way he timed each person at the firing range. Hell, even the doubled punishments for mistakes weren’t too out of the ordinary. It was the fact that Krauser was so quiet through it all. Never once did he make a scathing remark, or give one of his cruel, crooked smiles. He would just give corrections and dole out discipline with a tight-lipped frown, pointing out each and every misstep. Every moment of weakness. He wasn’t sure if he was frustrated or grateful that the struggle of it all forced him to focus on something other than you. By the time lunch rolled around, Leon was well and truly grateful for the extra hours he’d put in with you - Williams, Alenko and the rest of the cadets that had moved up with him were boneless as they slumped into their seats. He, at least, only felt like he was going to pass out a little.
Even you looked winded, your shoulders slumped forward a bit and as you steadied your breathing. Still, you offered Leon a look - one that he’d come to know as encouragement. The day wasn’t over, after all.
But god, he wished it was.
He wished the two of you were alone, somewhere else where he could act on his desires. All the exhaustion in the world wouldn’t change that, he was sure. He decided then and there that even if this day sapped all his strength, he’d still drag himself to your side. So, he would endure whatever he had to, if he could escape to your touch when evening fell. He would push through the training, even if Krauser seemed to have a bone to pick with each and every one of them.
“What did we do to piss him off?” Williams asked from down the bench, draping herself over the table only for Alenko to shove her away from his food.
“I think us existing is justification enough for him,” he huffed.
Leon wasn’t so sure - and if your expression was any indication, neither were you. Krauser was an asshole, sure, but never without purpose. At least, that was what Leon had seen of him since he started training with the Major. So, if he was pushing this hard . . . “He always has reasons for what he does,” you said, and both Williams and Alenko seemed surprised you were speaking to them at all. Leon couldn’t blame them - it wasn’t often that you engaged with the other members of the squad, even those that you had trained with for longer. He almost laughed at the fact that you were doing it now to defend Krauser’s brutal teaching style. But then, he saved your life once, hadn’t he? Leon could understand your loyalty, even if sometimes he disagreed.
“I know he’s trying to prepare us but damn,” Williams said after a while, shaking her head. “Feels like my legs are gonna fall off.”
“You’ll be fine. He picked you all to be here for a reason,” you insisted. It wasn’t a reassurance delivered with an abundance of compassion, per se, but Leon could hear the sincerity in your voice. It made him smile, and even through her surprise, Williams almost did the same.
Then, she grimaced again. “Yeah, well, kinda wishing I got left back with the old squad, right about now.”
“What?” Leon grinned. “And miss out on all the fun?”
“It’s only fun for you because you’re getting one-on-one instruction with the fucking Terminator, Kennedy.” Williams glanced over to you as soon as she said the words, wincing as she realized she’d spoken them out loud. “No offense.”
You just shrugged, taking another bite of your food. If anything, Leon swore you might have liked the nickname. “None taken.”
“Which reminds me,” Alenko butted in, looking towards you and Leon. “If you ever want a break from sparring with just each other, I wouldn’t mind getting a few pointers. Can’t let you outclass us in everything.” He gave Leon a friendly, challenging grin, and Leon wanted to return it. He did his best to, but the idea of other people joining in the evening training the two of you had been doing . . . it was selfish of him, but he didn’t like it, to say the least.
Especially today of all days, when you had all but promised him what he’d been dreaming of for weeks.
“You almost had me in the assessment,” you said to Alenko coolly, even if Leon thought he saw a bit of tension creep into your jaw. “You’re doing well already.”
“Yeah, but we all could be doing better. Maybe that’ll give Krauser less to be angry about, if we’re all pushing ourselves.”
“There’s pushing and then there’s punishing,” Williams said, then added, “again, no offense.”
“And we’ve been getting our asses kicked every day for the last week,” Alenko shook his head.
“All the more reason for us to put in some extra hours. Less ass-kicking sounds good, don’t you think?”
He was right, but even so . . . Leon glanced between you and the other soldier, trying to think of what to say that wouldn’t give anything away-
“Alright,” you said, and Leon nearly jumped out of his skin until you went on. “Tomorrow, if you want to join, you can. Don’t think fighting today would do you or me any good,” you said, glancing at the way Alenko’s body was slumped in on itself, and Leon could kiss you then and there for the evasion.
Alenko huffed a little laugh and nodded. “Fair point. Think the mandatory sparring will be enough for me today.”
Leon almost agreed with him. He couldn’t help but feel that the worst of Krauser’s trials that day had yet to come. So, as the squad formed up in the training yard that afternoon, he tried to prepare himself. Everyone was paired off, and Leon found himself standing across from none other than Valeria, the soldier giving him a wicked smile. She didn’t say anything - not while Krauser was giving instructions - but Leon could almost hear her taunts anyway. He glanced over at you, seeing you rolling your shoulders back, standing across from Alejandro. It almost made him laugh; after last night, you likely had some frustrations to vent with the man, even if Alejandro didn’t know it.
That urge to laugh died in Leon’s throat when Krauser started to speak, his words more serious than Leon had ever heard them. “Come arm yourselves. We’ll begin when I give the word and not a second before,” he said, gesturing to his side, to the table where sunlight shone bright off of steel.
Leon followed behind the other recruits, reaching the table just as you and Alejandro reached for the knives . . . and then paused. It didn’t take Leon long to realize what had made you both hesitate. He had become intimately familiar with the practice blades over the last few weeks. All blunted with cheap grips, designed to take a beating and to imitate the real thing closely enough for practice’s sake.
The knives on the table were not the blades you all have been using so far. Rather, they were pristine, their handles seemingly untouched and their blades brand new.
Being brand new wasn’t the only thing that caught Leon’s eyes about those blades, and he felt his heart speed up.
They looked . . .
“Are these edged, sir?” Alejandro asked first, and Krauser just gave him a look.
“They are,” the Major nodded, and Leon felt his stomach drop. “Now go, you’re holding up the line.”
Leon hadn’t known Alejandro long, nor did he know him well, but he could see the normally intense man waver before he reached for the weapon. There was confusion in his eyes as he stepped to the side, and he carefully thumbed the edge of the knife, like he was sure that Krauser had been lying. By the knot that formed between his brows, Leon could see that the Major had been telling the truth. The weapons they were going to be using today were edged. They would cut skin and muscle, if they weren’t careful. It was enough to scare Alejandro and the rest. Even Valeria stiffened at his side, a look of disbelief crossing her face.
Leon was scared, because he’d never felt the bite of a knife before. He’d never known what it was to have steel part his skin like that. Not in a fight. Not when it was against someone trained to go for the kill. Even so, he couldn’t think too long about his own fear.
The only person he could think of was you, because he saw the way you froze at the table, a knife clasped in your hand and your gaze fixed down on its blade. “We don’t have all day,” Krauser said, and the words forced you to move. When you turned so Leon could see you, you didn’t look at him. Even as you walked past him to join Alejandro, you didn’t spare him a glance. You didn’t spare anyone a glance. You just moved through the crowd with that unreadable expression, knife clutched tight at your side.
He knew you weren’t seeing the world as it was, then. You were seeing that night, just as he had seen Raccoon City when Krauser had sent your squad after his in the dark, during his assessment. He knew, as you looked over at Alejandro’s knife, that you weren’t here, but rather, you were fighting off a memory.
And he knew that, in this moment, there wasn’t anything he could do to help you.
But he was going to try, anyway.
“Sir, I don’t think we should-”
He didn’t even get to finish the sentence before Krauser fixed a cold glare on him. “Take the goddamn knife, rookie,” he said, before Leon could even make his point. “I have a lesson to teach.”
The threat implied in his tone was not lost on Leon. He knew Krauser would make his life hell if he pushed this issue. He knew that he would probably just be removed from the exercise at best. At worst . . . he wasn’t sure what the worst case scenario would be. Didn’t really want to know what Krauser’s “worst” was. Not when he’d been willing to tear gas Leon and his squad for a training exercise, and not when he was going to make them fight with edged weapons now.
He wasn’t going to do himself any favors, and at the end of the day, however you felt about what was happening, you weren’t backing down. You never would.
So, Leon set his face in stone and reached for a blade.
It weighed no more than the practice knives, but somehow, it felt heavier. That was all Leon could think as he and Valeria made their way to their own space, each of them eying the weapon that the other held.
Were he elsewhere, he might have been awestruck - his mind might have assured him that this wasn’t happening.
He knew better, though.
He knew the blade and the threat it represented were very, very real.
“You’ll start and stop when I give the word, understood?”
There was silence for just a moment too long.
“Understood?” Krauser demanded.
“Yes, sir.” The responses were all strained. Some of the recruits, Leon included looked between each other, trying to determine if this was all some sick joke. Others just raised their blades into their preferred guards, silently preparing. Whatever the response, everyone had one thing in common: fear.
And that fear didn’t matter to the Major. “On my mark,” Krauser’s voice was the tolling of a bell across the churchyard, looming and mighty and inescapable. Leon could only bend his knees and raise his weapon, his mind rushing and his eyes wide. He and Valeria looked at each other, eyes, hands, blades, trying to determine what was about to happen. Trying to divine who would move first. Where the blades would fall.
This was the first time he’d seen the soldier across from him afraid, but even in that moment, there was no doubt in his mind that she would attack him. That she would not hesitate.
Krauser began a countdown. “Three-”
Control the blade-
Use the attack-
More than just your knife-
Smaller arm movements-
Everything you and the Major had told him, every lesson, flooded him so fast he could barely pick out details. He suddenly came to doubt the steel in his hand, even after all the hours spent training with you and the others. Even if he knew he was skilled, because even skilled people made mistakes. Even you made mistakes.
Even Valeria could make mistakes. If either of them made a misstep, if either of them missed a dodge? Or cut a little too deep?
“Two-”
He knew what pain was. He’d survived explosions. The crushing strength of a monster twice his size. A bullet.
He could do this.
That was what he thought as he gripped his knife tighter, the knowledge of what he’d lived through waging a brutal war against the fear of being cut.
He didn’t have to win. He just needed to protect himself.
“One-”
All went still. Leon felt his mind retreat to a safe distance when he needed it most. He could only stare at the knife across from him, and the woman who held it. He knew his heart was pounding in his chest. He knew fear throbbed in time with it, but he couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t feel anything but a heaviness that could kill.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god-
Is this what you’d felt-
“Hold!”
Leon flinched, because he’d been ready to retreat. Ready to guard. Ready to bleed. Instead, he found himself staring ahead at an equally confused Valeria, the two hesitating to breathe because they wanted to make sure they’d heard the Major right.
“You can all drop your guards,” Krauser said, and Leon felt something flash through him. Not anger, not frustration, but white hot fury.
What the fuck had that been for?
He’d let them think they were going to cut each other to pieces in the name of practice, and for what?
Krauser must have known to expect such anger, and such questions, because he spoke again before a slew of curses threatened to explode from Leon’s lips. “Nothing quite like the threat of real steel, is there? Sobers you up. You can have all the training in the world, but if you don’t respect the threat those knives pose, then you will get bled, someday. Going forward, when we’re using our practice knives, I want you all to remember how this felt today. And I want you all to work past that fear, because if you freeze up out there, if you give the enemy a second to act, then you will die.” His eyes, a cold blue searched the faces of the recruits before him, and Leon swallowed when he saw him glance your way. “You have to be ready. Always.”
There was something in his voice. A frustration. A fear.
Leon noticed it, but he didn’t much care. Didn’t feel sympathy. Because, as the squad was dismissed, he saw your face, haunted and distant, more frightened than he’d ever seen you. Alejandro noticed too, placing a hand on your shoulder. You shrugged him off, and Leon saw you fight to get your mask back on - that expression of impassiveness you hid behind so often.
It was a failed effort.
⧫⧫⧫
You’d failed.
You’d seen a knife in front of you, a real, edged knife, and you’d failed.
You thought of that moment over and over again as the evening crept in, watching Alejandro’s blade as you waited for Krauser to tell you to begin. Only, you hadn’t seen Alejandro standing in front of you. No. You’d seen a dark room, and snow outside, and-
You should have known-
“What are you-”
The knife went into you once. Twice. Three times-
You heard more than felt the bone break under the steel-
Red lenses where eyes should have been-
The gas mask hid his face, but you could feel no pity in his gaze-
Someone screaming your name-
The pain of it seemed so recent, then, and as you’d looked at that blade, you could remember with perfect clarity the agony of it. The pain that burned you from the inside out, that drove you to be what you’d become today.
All those months spent vowing you would never feel that pain again, and you hadn’t even been able to face it here.
How could you ever hope to survive in the real world again, if you froze when facing down a squad mate? One who wouldn’t have even gone for the kill, if the fight had actually happened.
How could you protect anyone if you were this weak?
Weak.
Weak.
That was the word that plagued you that night. When you heard Leon say your name softly, like he was afraid you were going to break, you couldn’t help but whirl on him, your anger flaring because you weren’t breakable. He didn’t need to treat you like you were.
Then you saw his eyes, the concern there - concern and support, but no pity to be found.
He’d never pitied you.
You didn’t know if you could thank him for that, but you should have, maybe.
You saw his eyes and that anger faded. Got pushed far enough back that you could almost think clearly, even as your chest felt full of hot air and your hands were clenched tight at your sides.
“What do you need?” Leon asked, and you wanted to hate him for being so considerate, for knowing exactly what to say to you in that moment. You wanted someone to be angry with other than yourself, but it couldn’t be Leon. This wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t even Krauser’s.
The blame was on you, for not being ready. For being too weak to escape the past.
So, when Leon asked that question, you knew your answer, even if you were sure it would confuse him. Even if you’d promised him a night of soft touches and gentle sighs.
“Training yard.” You grunted more than spoke the words, looking away from his eyes.
You couldn’t look into his eyes for too long. Not now.
There was a moment of hesitation, but you saw him nod in the end. “Okay.”
He followed you there after dinner - a meal spent in near silence. The rest of the squad had seen your reaction to the knives. They’d seen your scars, most of them. They knew better than to ask, and they knew better than to approach you today. You were grateful for the peace, if it could be called that. Then again, with the way your thoughts assaulted you, “peace” was perhaps the wrong word. Still, you wanted to be alone with those thoughts. You wanted to try to get them under control, so that by the time you and Leon reached the training yard, you would be at an equilibrium again.
It was no great surprise to you that your plan failed, and your mind was full of troubles when you handed Leon a practice knife. There was no music playing that night.
“You’re going unarmed?” Leon asked, and you nodded without hesitation.
“I need you not to hold back,” you said, watching as Leon’s face shifted. “I need you to come at me like you want me dead.”
The words made Leon’s expression shift, and he took a step forward, about to protest. You stopped him.
“Just do it,” you said, more forcefully this time.
You hoped he could see all that you couldn’t say in your eyes. You needed this. You needed to prove to yourself that this was something you could do. You needed to be ready, so you wouldn't ever feel a blade parting your flesh again. You needed to put the past behind you at last, and maybe, just maybe, overcoming this fear was the way to do that.
All of that was a lot for just one silent moment of eye contact. You knew Leon couldn’t read your mind. He wouldn’t know your reasons unless you told him.
Still, it seemed that moment of eye contact was enough - and you knew as he nodded that he didn’t need to know your reasoning. Not when he probably had similar shadows biting at his heels. Leon nodded then, swallowing as he did it and raising the blade in front of him.
“When you’re ready,” he said.
“Don’t give me a warning,” you shook your head. Leon grimaced but nodded.
He went for your heart first.
You moved out of the way, your eyes flaring and any counter you would have normally performed absent.
It’s real, you tried to convince yourself, clinging to the utter and complete terror you’d felt during Krauser’s lesson. That knife is real, and if it touches me, it will draw blood.
Leon lunged again after a moment, clearly still hesitant. “I said not to hold back,” you growled, knowing full well that you were being selfish. That you were asking him to do something he was uncomfortable with.
But he was obliging you.
He was obliging you because he wanted to help, because he was sweet. Kind.
If he stayed with you, would you get him killed the way you’d gotten everyone else killed? Would you be too slow, and he just fast enough to stop you from dying while forgetting himself? Would you have to watch him turn into something because you failed?
No.
No, because you were going to be stronger than this. The past had you in a strangle-hold, and you were going to spit blood up in its eyes, kick it between the legs and overpower it. You were going to win through spite and skills and sheer power.
Leon’s knife found its way to your neck before you could even register it, and you realized you’d been lost in your thoughts. Too focused on what you wanted, you forgot what was in front of you.
It made something dark and deadly claw at your stomach, and you clenched your jaw.
“Again,” you said, more forcefully than you maybe intended.
Leon looked at you for a moment, but again, he did as you asked.
And again, after just a few moves, you found yourself dying to a move that you should have been able to stop. He’d come at you with a feint - one you used on him more times than you could count - and the knife stuck just below your armpit as you tried for a block too slow. Bleeding you out. It made heat rise to your face, anger with yourself coming with it. You should have been better than this.
You were better than this.
“Again.”
It’s real.
This time the knife slashed across your throat when you fumbled a disarm.
“Again.”
The knife is real.
He caught you in the stomach-
“Again.”
It’s not Leon attacking you.
The side-
“Again!”
Red lenses where eyes should have been-
The heart. The knife hit right above your heart, and for a moment you thought you’d pulled the edged knife from your memory and into reality, because your chest hurt. You backed away, grinding your teeth together so hard your jaw ached, your throat constricting. It was anger. Anger was bringing about this reaction in you.
It didn’t matter, though. You had to keep going.
“Again-”
Leon spoke your name, and you stopped because you had never, in all these weeks, heard him sound so forceful. His eyes, normally so soft and blue, were unyielding as he looked at you. Unyielding, but compassionate in a way that only he could manage. He put the knife in his pocket and stepped towards you, reaching a hand up towards you slowly. You stilled, letting him come closer, expecting him to rest it on your shoulder. Instead, it came up to cup your cheek, and something in you began to chip and shatter. “You’re not there,” he said simply, seeing through you and into the memory you’d conjured up around you. “You’re here, with me.”
His touch was a reminder of that, so soft against your face - a gentleness you’d not known before, completely alien next to the life of grit and gunmetal you lived.
“Breathe.”
It was enough to pull you back to the present, enough to make you feel the shoes you were standing in, the cooling evening air, and the beating of your heart slow a touch.
You did as he asked, breathing slowly. In, then out. The pain in your chest made it hard, but you did it anyway. All the while, Leon kept his gaze on you, as much as part of you wished he would look away.
You stared into the sky of his eyes, searching for something you couldn’t place. Somethings, maybe. All of them unknown and out of reach. And he let you look, holding your gaze and looking for the same things in you. It was a moment that may have lasted seconds or hours, and you wouldn’t have known. Once your breathing steadied, there were still so many emotions left simmering beneath the surface, and chief among them was shame. You shouldn’t have had to rely on Leon for this. You shouldn’t have had to be doing this at all.
“I’m sorry-” you croaked, speaking to the living and the dead alike.
Leon just shook his head, looking at you from under that ridiculous sand-blond hair. “Don’t be.”
It didn’t stop the shame from pooling in you. It didn’t erase the fear or the memories, but it did let other things rise to the surface. Things like gratitude, for him being there, fear, for him being so selfless and caring and, most of all, affection. Affection so strong it was almost staggering.
That affection nearly knocked you to the ground when, after a moment, Leon’s hand fell away from your face and reached for the knife in his pocket. You watched him spin it around his fingers the way you so often did, giving you a soft smile before he spoke. “Again?”
That’s a dangerous game you’re playing, you’d said to Leon. Again, your own words bit into you, and you were feeling too much else to care.
“. . . Again.”
He moved just too fast the first time around, and you were just regaining your focus. The knife ended up pressed against your neck, and you felt those thoughts encroaching again, but you brushed them off.
You were here. You were with Leon.
Another win for him came after a longer fight, and you could feel yourself getting tense again.
You were with Leon, and he would never hurt you.
And therein lay the problem, and thinking of it had you breathing heavy as you lost once again, after you nearly managed to disarm him.
He cared for you too much. You knew what happened to people that cared for you.
You bared your teeth, blocking attack after attack. Then you grunted as a slash found your arm, but you weren’t done yet.
If anything happened to him-
He attacked your leg, and you realized just in time that it was a feint. You blocked and struck his stomach with your free hand. He retreated just in time to avoid you taking the knife from him.
If he died protecting you, as so many others had-
A cry of exertion escaped you as you moved to the side, seeing the knife flashing towards your gut. Towards where your scar lay. The motion made your dog tags smack against your chest.
You would never forgive yourself.
Your hands moved fast, trapping Leon’s hand and the knife in it against your stomach, against the rough scar tissue hidden beneath your shirt.
You had to be stronger.
The knife came free of his grip as you twisted it loose, yelping in pain as you strained his wrist in doing so.
You had to be able to protect him.
You bared your teeth in a yell, moving the knife so fast it could barely be seen. It landed at his windpipe, and he inhaled sharply. Eyes wide, lips parted, he looked at you then, and you saw fear in him. Not fear of you. Fear for you.
You wouldn’t lose him, too.
You let your knife fall to his chest when you crashed your lips against his, the world around you be damned. You wanted to forget. You wanted that happiness you’d pushed away for so long. You wanted him.
You’d made him a promise, after all.
After a moment, he kissed you back, his free hand coming up to your shoulder as his lips moved against yours, trying to keep up. No easy feat, because you were all fire. Maybe you weren’t going to burn for long, but while you did . . . you were going to burn bright and burn strong. As you parted from him, the two of you breathless, you saw in Leon’s eyes that he was going to burn with you.
But he was Leon. He was considerate and kind, even when his eyes were dark with desire. “Are you sure-”
Your jaw tightened, and you realized then the pressure in your throat. It hurt as you nodded, choking your words so they were quiet. “I’m sure. If you are.”
He looked at you then, and you thought for a moment you were going to break because no one should look at you, wretched as you were, with such care. Such adoration. “If it’s what you want - if it’ll help - then I am.”
And then you kissed him again, letting the knife in your hands fall to the ground so you could hold him instead.
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A/N: Soooooo next chapter will be NSFW!
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