Underestimated : Kaz Brekker x Reader
Summary: Three times Kaz almost tells her but ultimately refuses to admit his feelings and One time Kaz finally confesses
Warning: typical SoC/S&B warnings of violence, trauma, fights, emotional suppression, etc. , Long lol
The first time was on a late night when y/n noticed how dirty and badly falling apart his gloves were. They were resting between the two of them as she watched Kaz markup the blueprint on his desk under the dull candlelight.
She was always trying to do nice things for the other crows, so she didn’t even think twice about her decision to sneak them from his room that night and take them to be cleaned and repaired.
She knew there was something special about the gloves but wasn’t sure if the specific gloves were the value themselves or if it was just simply having gloves on him he valued.
As a result, she didn’t want to risk damaging them more by using standard cleaners on them that she would be able to find around the slat.
So, she made a plan to slip them into her sweater when leaving his room that night; a skill Inej had taught her for heists.
From there, she’d take a short trip by boat to the next island where she was sure no one would recognize the gloves.
It started off well as Kaz left his gloves on the table as he always did at night as he got ready for bed.
It was very late but she’d stayed up with him most nights so he didn’t question it.
When he returned from the restroom something felt off but upon seeing y/n had left and that her book remained on his desk, he assumed that was the cause behind the sensation he had.
He made a mental note to ensure she got it back the next night and went to bed.
It wasn’t until he woke up the next day and grabbed his cane and hat that he realized his gloves were missing.
Stuffing his hands into his pockets as to not dispel the rumors as to why he wore them, he went down the stairs without his cane.
“No cane today boss?” Jesper asked immediately.
Ignoring him, Kaz looked around his group of crows and a few close dregs.
“Where’s my g-“ he began to ask, stopping only one he saw y/n wasn’t present at the breakfast table.
“Where’s y/n?” He asks firmly, looking towards Nina and Inej.
“Wait! We’re you going to say where’s my girl?” Nina smirks
Inej smirks but rolls her eyes, “there’s no way he told her his feelings”.
Kaz glared at both of them, “that is not what I was going to say. My gloves are missing if you must know”.
Nina sighs and snuggles back into Matthias more.
Inej shakes her head, “typical, the poor girl will never know how you feel”.
“I don’t feel anything, Inej” Kaz growls.
“Sure” she rolls her eyes.
Kaz glares at her again before returning to his question, “now, where is she?!”.
Inej shrugs, “I took a nap after tracking Naxious earlier”.
“She didn’t say anything to you?” Kaz questions looking at her and Nina.
“No, maybe she just slept in” Nina suggests.
“Or didn’t want to deal with you” Matthias adds.
Kaz glares at them both but grinds his teeth as he mentally reviews their interactions from the day before to see if that could be true.
He knew she wasn’t in her room, her room being immediately next to his allowed him to feel her presence or lack thereof.
But perhaps he did something to upset her, it wouldn’t be the first time.
However this would be an extreme reaction for her; usually, he’d just get a few glares, snide comments, or the silent treatment.
Unable to find anything unusual between them last night, he looked over to Jesper who was oddly quiet.
Wylan notices before Jesper and taps him and starts pointing to Kaz.
“Something you need to say Jes?” Kaz squints.
“No” Jesper says, looking away.
Kaz rolls his eyes and walks closer, his fists clenched inside his coat pocket.
“You all expect me to believe she left here this early without anyone asking her where she was going?” Kaz says, his frustration clear in his tone.
“Didn’t need to” Jesper smirks, winking as he takes a bite of his eggs.
“Excuse me?” Kaz presses, stepping closer.
“You know, when you’re handsome and nice to her, she’ll just tell you” Jesper grins.
Kaz’s glare intensifies, “I’m not going to ask again Jesper”.
Jesper rolls his eyes, “she had an errand to run”.
“Where?” Kaz demands.
“She said something about taking the boat to-“ he begins but Kaz turns around and walks back to his room.
He puts on his other set of gloves, wiggling his fingers to loosen up the stiff leather, before he grabs his cane.
He ignores the glances and gossip from the other crows as he makes his way out of the Crow Club and to the docks.
His crew manning the harbor immediately notice his presence and turn to face him.
“I did not say to stop working” he complains, resulting in them promptly returning to work.
“Rotty” Kaz demands, the dreg in question turning to face him.
“She left about six hours ago” Rotty says, not needing Kaz to ask his question.
“Where?” Kaz presses, staring at the icy water before them.
“Newfoort” Rotty answers, tensing as he waits for Kaz’s reaction.
Kaz forces a sarcastic laugh, “I believe I misheard you. I thought you said Newfoort”.
Rotty bites his inner lip, “I did sir”.
Kaz’s hand tightens on the crow’s head of his cane as he stares at Rotty, “you let her get on a boat to Newfoort?”
“You said she was free to go as she pleased” Rotty says, regret flashing over his face right after.
Kaz forcefully sighs, but nods his head once, “I did”.
Kaz normally had restrictions as to who could use their boats and ships and where his dregs and crows could go and when. It was the easiest way to be aware of issues before they arose.
Rotty was in charge of watching their harbors for any violations and reporting them to Kaz or Inej.
Y/n was an exception; the only exception to this rule.
Kaz knew her past and didn’t want to repeat it or trigger anything for her.
She’d run away from an abusive home and ended up captured and held against her will until she fought her way out.
He could see how she’d always tried to hide how anxious she got whenever they were in confined spaces, locked in anywhere, in handcuffs or restraints, or simply having restrictions on her freedoms.
Kaz tried to keep her out of the missions where those were required as often as he could.
He also made sure to demand Rotty let her pass in and out of Ketterdam as she pleased.
He’d told y/n he would not be the one to keep her from going wherever she needed or wanted.
Yet, here he was, on the docks, ready to strangle Rotty for having followed his orders.
Kaz told himself it was simply because he needed his gloves back. But he knew better....
It wasn’t his gloves being missing that made him feel this way.
Even if it had been, he had his others on him now.
Instead, he knew it was a result of something he fought so hard to resist.
As much as he hated the feeling, he feared for y/n.
He feared for her safety, her feelings, and her life.
He would of course never say this to her, she deserved far better than him.
Someone more kind and considerate.
Someone who could comfort her, hold her hand, kiss her.
“Did she go alone?” Kaz asked, returning from his dazed state.
“No boss. Specht went with her” Rotty says.
Kaz shifts his jaw silently to hide his relief.
“Very well. See to it she returns to the slat upon her arrival” Kaz muttered, glancing at the mysterious island of Newfoort once more before turning to leave.
Y/n had intended to only be gone a handful of hours, hoping to be back and have his repaired gloves on his desk before he even woke.
However, the island was new to both her and Specht.
In fact, as far as she knew, no one in the Dregs, not even Kaz himself had set foot on this island.
As a result, navigating their way to the shop took more time than anticipated.
While Specht kept watch, she waited inside the shop, not wanting to risk something happening to the gloves.
It’d taken hours for them to fix them, but when they were done, she barely recognized them.
She smiled, handed the worker some Kruge in return, and tucked them into her pocket.
She kept her hand wrapped over the gloves as she and Specht got back into the boat for Ketterdam.
“You know, he’s going to be awake and pissed when we get back” Specht laughed, starting to row.
“Has it really been that long?” She question, looking up at the sky which had now begun to glow through the fog.
When she looked back at him, Specht was smirking.
“I don’t know why you do it” he mumbled, shaking his head.
“What do you mean?” She asks, leaning back to stretch her legs.
“Try to do nice things for him. He’s the Bastard of the Barrel” Specht points out.
“And? That means I can’t be nice?” She sighs, raising an eyebrow at him.
He laughs, “not necessarily. It just means he’s not going to appreciate it, you’ll never get a thank you”.
“I’m not doing it to get a thank you” she informs him.
“Oh, I know” Specht laughs, the smirk returning to his face.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She inquires, crossing her arms over her chest now tha they were far enough out that no one could reach the gloves in her pocket.
“You like him” Specht taunts.
“I do not” y/n states, not sounding believable in the slightest.
She’d developed a crush on Kaz long ago.
The crows knew it and would always say he returned the feelings but she knew better.
Even if she was someone Kaz would like, he wouldn’t allow himself to. No matter what Nina said about her noticing his heart flutter around y/n.
“You’re a horrible liar. I thought you were good at keeping secrets” Specht teases.
“I’ve been up for over thirty six hours, give me a break” she laughs, her cheeks flushing red.
“Fair enough. I still want to understand how you could fall for… well him” he laughs.
She sighs and shrugs, not wanting to get into it.
“Why do you care so much?” She asks, looking at the dark blue waves around them.
“I have a sister, I need to make sure she doesn’t make the same mistake” Specht says.
“Rude. But, I didn’t know you had a sister” y/n responds, gladly changing the subject.
---
Yawning as he enters the crow club, y/n grips the gloves in her pocket tightly.
“Hey! You’re back!” Nina cheers, running over and hugging y/n.
Y/n laughs and hugs her briefly, “I am, I see I’ve been missed”.
“Of course” Inej grins.
“Not nearly as much as Kaz missed you though” Jesper smirks.
“Shut up Jesp” y/n laughs, brushing off his typical comment.
“He is looking for you though” Wylan admits.
“I know. Rotty was sure to let me know my presence has been demanded upon my return” she says, rolling her eyes.
“Then why are you down there gossiping?” Kaz’s voice booms over all of them.
Each crow turns their head in his direction, Kaz standing firmly on the top step, his cane tight in his hand as he stares down at them, his eyes narrowing on y/n.
She shakes her head and whispers to the crows, “talk to you all later”.
They all mutter their versions of good luck wishes as she begins to approach the stairs.
Once she’s reached the bottom step and he looks her over once, Kaz turns and enters his room.
She sighs and follows after him.
Kaz is silent as she joins him and sits at his desk.
After a few moments of intense silence with Kaz, y/n leans back in her chair, “you wanted to see me?”
Kaz raises an eyebrow at her and nods once, “I believe you know why”.
“Because I left” y/n states.
Kaz squints his eyes and can’t hide the confusion that momentarily shows in them.
“No. I don’t care that you left “ Kaz corrects.
She scoffs quietly, “good to know Kaz”.
“Y/n” he sighs, running his hand down his face, “that’s not what I meant”.
She shrugs but refuses to make eye contact with him as she plays off how she’s feeling.
Kaz let’s out a loud sigh again, this time in realization she’s not going to help him direct the conversation.
“You are free to leave as you wish. I believed you knew that this whole time” he adds.
She simply raises her gaze until he’s able to see her eyes again.
“I will not restrict you. Not like-“ he says, unsure if he needs to it should continue.
She nods twice and curls the corner of her lips up as a small sign of gratitude.
Normally she wouldn’t be this hard on Kaz, but she’s exhausted from not sleeping in days and running around to make his life easier so she doesn’t feel too bad.
“I am not mad you left the harbor” Kaz summarizes, his eyes still trained on her.
“You’re mad I left without telling you” she suggests, tilting her chin up to look at him across the desk.
“I cannot say I was pleased by that. But no. I already stated I will not restrict you in that way” he defends, squeezing his hands together.
“Then why are you mad Kaz?” She sighs.
A million thoughts run through his head at her question.
Because she left with Specht and not him.
Because she didn’t want to tell Kaz where she was going or even that she was.
Because she did this in the middle of the night when he thought she was safe.
Because she didn’t tell any of the other crows enough details for him to know she was okay.
Because she went to an unknown island without any concern for her own well-being.
Yet, the only words he could get out expressed only the least off his concerns, “you stole my gloves”.
Y/N’s jaw drops briefly before she gives him a fake laugh, “I didn’t steal them Kaz. Saints, who do you think I am?!”
“A dreg, one of my crows. Stealing is what we do” Kaz argues, anger towards himself fueling his words.
“That’s it, isn’t it? A crow” she sighs, waving Kaz off before he can begin to speak again.
“That’s all I-... we ever will be to you isn’t it? You’ll never see us as your friends, will you?“ she says, her volume increasing as she pushes herself away from the table.
Kaz clenches his jaw as he holds back his argument about what it is he really wants, “I don’t need friends. Only the weak-“.
“Stop! I am not going to sit here and listen to this Kaz. I haven’t slept in nearly forty hours! I haven’t taken time to read the book I want to read. I hadn’t spoken to the others for more than a few minutes before you demanded I meet with you. I haven’t eaten since, I don’t even know when. And why?” She asks, palms hitting against the edge of his desk causing him to look down at her delicate hands.
“Because I’m weak. I’m weak Kaz. I’m weak because even though everyone says I shouldn’t, even though you say I shouldn’t, I care about you" she sighs.
"I’m weak because I want to hold on to some small positives in this dull world. I’m weak because I will always put others first. I’m weak because I want friends Kaz. But even more than that?” She says, her voice lowering now as his eyes return to her face.
Y/n frowns at the table before her, unable to make eye contact and yell at him at the same time.
“I’m weak because I wanted to be-. No, I’m sorry. I’m weak because I thought we were friends” she whispers, the break at the end of her sentence betraying her emotions.
Kaz swallows stiffly, clenching and unclenching his gloved hand as he debates grabbing her hand to comfort her.
“So here” she says, removing her hands from the table before his can reach towards them.
“The gloves I stole” she remarks, pulling them from her coat pocket and setting them down on the table between them.
Kaz’s eyes widen as he notices they are repaired, “y-you-“.
“Had them fixed, yeah” she rolls her eyes, “I will not ever know what they mean to you, but I knew they’re important so I had them repaired”.
“Y/n,” Kaz whispers, hating how he weak his surprise makes him sound.
“I know, I’m weak. But there, they’re fixed and this is done” she says, putting her hands back into her coat pocket.
Kaz watches as she begins to cross the room towards his door.
Unable to accept the idea of her leaving, especially when mad at him, he finally speaks up.
“You don’t understand” Kaz mutters, holding the repaired gloves in his hands tightly.
“Kaz I’m not doing this okay? I can’t keep arguing right now” she sighs, turning to face him.
“No. I am not arguing. I’m saying you don’t understand the meaning behind the gloves” he whispers, picking up his cane.
“I already told you that myself” she groans, reaching for the door handle.
“And yet, you went through all of that to fix them” Kaz says, taking a timid step towards her.
“Weak, I know. But! To be fair, I didn’t know you had a second pair” she says, pointing towards the set on his hands.
“That does not matter” Kaz says, suppressing a laugh at how quickly her demeanor changed for a split second, taking a few more steps to her.
“You want to know why I have them. But not for the same reasons as everyone else” He says, looking her over.
“I have no clue what that means, and I doubt I will. But, of course I want to know Kaz. I want to know your past, your interests and disinterests, I want to know you" she admits.
"Because I wanted to be your friend. I knew I may never know the story behind the gloves, but I thought it would be because it was too hard" she frowns to herself.
"But I realize now that I’ll never know anything about you because we won’t ever be friends” she bites her lip, shaking her head as she opens the door.
“I’ll tell you” Kaz blurts causing her to pause.
“You don’t n-“ she argues but he waves her off.
“I am well aware I don’t need to. I want to” he says, closing the distance so he can use his cane to press the door closed.
“No you don’t Kaz. You feel guilty, or whatever you tell yourself since you claim to not feel emotions. That’s something you tell a friend, and friends are for the weak “ She huffs.
Kaz shakes his head, his hair flicking the front of his forehead as he does, “I will tell you”.
“Why?” She presses, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Because you said that is what we do” he whispers.
“I said that’s what friends do” she corrects, raising an eyebrow at his simple nod in response, “and you want that? To be friends?”.
Kaz’s glance flickers to his shoes briefly before back to her and forces another nod.
Although tempted to press him to actually say it, y/n nods back, “we can be friends then Kaz, even if you don’t tell me the story”.
“I owe you-“ he argues, watching as she walks back to her seat at his table.
“You don’t owe me Kaz. All I did was get them cleaned and stitched” she laughs softly.
Kaz shakes his head, “you did more than that. You always do. I don’t owe you just for today”.
“Please” Kaz pauses, the unusual attempt to make a plea getting stuck in his throat, “let me tell you. You’re the one person I trust with this”.
Y/n sits up very rigidly in her seat as she watches Kaz hesitantly, “only if you want to”
“I do. I want you to know” Kaz says, shamefully glancing at his gloves, “I want you to know why… I can’t touch you”.
“Okay” She whispers, eyes glued on his as they look up from the floorboard to meet her’s.
Kaz takes a deep breath and sits down on the edge of his bed, closing his eyes so he cannot see her reaction to his trauma.
————
The second time was when they were discussing the plans for their next mission.
The plan was simple, y/n was to get in, analyze the situation, and get out.
Or that’s what Kaz ordered her to do anyways.
Jameson Zifran was the leader of the Legions, Ketterdamn’s newest gang.
Y/N’s mission was to get into his bar undercover as a pigeon and obtain information about who Zifran had hired to get intel on the Dregs.
Normally this would be something Inej would handle, but she was currently recovering from the last mission.
The Legions managed to find her hiding place and during their fight, they broke her leg; hence the need to find out how they got their intel.
Nina managed to repair it as much as she could, but if Inej wanted to remain the skilled spider she was, she needed to rest her leg for a few days.
Kaz was not pleased about the situation to say the least.
He was even less fond of the idea of sending y/n in Inej’s place.
Jesper had been the one to suggest it and earned one of Kaz’s signature death glares as a result.
Nevertheless, he knew she was their best option.
They needed to know who was watching Inej and how she didn’t realize it.
It was rare for someone to get the drop on Inej, and someone capable of doing so put all the crows at risk.
“Recite the plan” Kaz ordered, staring her down across his work desk.
Rolling her eyes, y/n picked at the skin on her nails, “get in, find Zifran, figure out his spider’s identity, enjoy some bubbly drinks, maybe grab a few of those gold pocket watches, and leave”.
Kaz’s stare formed into a glare as his bare hands pressed down on the table under his shoulders as he leaned towards her.
“Knock it off y/n, that’s not the plan and you damn well know it” he says, tension in his features causing a crease between his eyebrows.
Y/n smirked and looked up at him, “I know Kaz. I’m not an idiot or a child. I get in, get the identity of his spider, and get out”.
“Why do you have to do that?” Kaz groans, pressing himself back into his chair.
“Do what?” She asks, watching his body language for any hints to his actual emotions.
That was her main purpose in the crows, she was the best at the psychological components of their heists; finding someone’s emotional weakness within seconds, knowing their intimate fears, deepest desires, etc.
However, with Kaz Brekker, it was different.
Her skills allowed her to understand why he was the way he was; trauma and his body/brain putting up blocks to keep anyone and everything out for his safety.
Everyone thought he was this unjustifiably cruel, sadistic, uncaring, person; or demjin like Matthias called him.
But y/n knew better. She could see the way whatever happened in his past caused him to be this way.
To her, it all made sense. Even before she tried to understand him, she could feel he wasn’t the way they described.
Perhaps it was because he’d helped her get off the streets after managing to escape her captors.
She realized over time he likely knew who she was already and that her skills would be beneficial to his team. After all, she escaped a horde of large grown men on her own using what she knew to hit them where it hurt.
However, she could sense there was more there by the look he had in his eyes when he saw her covered in cuts and bruises the night they met.
His eyes had this look to them that signaled he wanted justice.
Kaz always called it revenge, but y/n saw it as a, slightly twisted, attempt at justice or retribution.
When Kaz opened up to her about his brother Jordie being the reason behind his desire to take Pekka down a few nights ago, she realized her long lasting assumptions were correct.
He acted the way he did in an attempt to reach whatever goal he was focused on.
With Pekka it was getting justice/revenge for Jordie, and himself, due to the betrayal and Kaz blaming him for his role in Jordie’s death.
Kaz hadn’t intended on telling anyone that story, let alone her.
He knew she somehow already saw him more positively than the others, and he wouldn’t couldn’t have that.
“Try to get on my nerves” Kaz grumbles, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“I don’t think it’s called trying if it’s working” she smirks in an attempt to hide the brief hurt that flashes in her eyes at his comment.
Kaz notices and sighs but y/n speaks again before he can withdraw his remark.
“Nonetheless, it isn’t intentional. I’m just trying to not make this so intense and dramatic” she shrugs.
Kaz lowers his hand to his table and shakes his head, “you need to take this seriously”.
Y/n rolls her eyes and stands up, “I am. I know the plan. You don’t do this when it is Inej”.
Kaz’s gaze lifts from the table to her as she straightens her leather jacket.
“I do have her reiterate the plan” he defends.
“Not this many times Kaz. We’ve been in here for nearly an hour! I clearly know the plan. Why are you pushing me more than you would Inej?” She glares.
“You can’t do what Inej can do” Kaz blurts, instantly regretting it when he sees the hurt and sense of betrayal hit her.
“Then why the hell am I here why am I a dreg, a crow?” She shouts, stepping away from him.
Kaz closes his eyes tightly, he was not meaning literally.
He knew y/n was more than capable of performing at Inej’s level or above.
He just don’t want her hurt and Inej would take risks he couldn’t wouldn’t allow y/n to.
“Great answer Kaz” y/n says sarcastically, an overly fake smile on her face as she turns to him just as his eyes open.
Kaz opens his mouth to force himself to speak, unsure what words will come out, but unable to say nothing after seeing how he hurt her by his attempt to hide his feelings.
“Don’t. I know the plan Kaz. I need to change or I’ll be late” she says, opening his door and exiting.
Kaz grips the table in frustration and curses Jesper for suggesting she go in in the first place.
———
The third time was during the actual mission itself.
The plan started off well. Y/n had gotten into the private club in disguise with no trouble.
The problem was, they had no clue as to who the spider may be and the club was packed.
Y/n used it to her advantage as much as she could, blending herself in with the crowded bodies.
She pretended she’d drank too much and was overly friendly, many groups accepting her into their circles as they continued chatting freely.
It also allowed her to get closer to other groups near by and focus on their conversations without raising suspicion.
It was clear everyone thought she was too far gone to recall anything as she learned many secrets in the first few hours.
However, she hadn’t gotten closer to finding out the spider’s identity until one of the more gruff men just outside of her current huddle murmured something about someone matching Inej’s description.
Her interest peaked and she focused on his whispered words rather than those of the drunk girls surrounding her.
One of the men with her suspect laughed darkly, “oh that’s right. She’s Brekker’s bitch!”.
Y/N’s hands instinctively formed a fist at her side at the dig towards Inej but she didn’t let her face display any reaction.
If the second man barely realized Inej’s connection to Kaz, he wasn’t the spider himself.
Instead, it was likely the one who initiated the discussion in the first place.
“You should’ve seen the way she squirmed when the bullet hit her” he said, his eyes dark, “so much for being the best. She was too easy”.
Y/n bit her inner lip to keep her anger at bay as she listened to the men drone on about the situation.
She knew this would be a possibility, so much so it was part of the plan.
Most spiders, although sneaky, loved to brag about how good they were at getting intel.
Add in the fact that they had gotten to Kaz’s, the "bastard of the barrel"’s spider, and you’ve got a strong chance for cocky men to expose their actions freely.
What she hadn’t accounted for was the anger and disgust that formed in her.
The men went on about their -less than pure- intentions with Inej that night.
It didn’t surprise her that they said these things, Inej was gorgeous and the men had already said they were surprised someone “as beautiful as she was would be Kaz’s spider”.
Plus, most men in Ketterdam were less than pure or caring of consent.
However, knowing Inej’s past and recalling the look her eyes held when y/n found her that night, told her Inej knew what was about to happen had y/n gotten to her any later.
Nausea fought with her anger as if her body were deciding whether to get justice for Inej or hide away from the whole situation like she would’ve years ago.
But y/n wasn’t that person anymore.
Plus, their bragging refreshed the horror y/n felt that night.
Kaz sent Y/n to check on Inej for having missed her check in and they’d come upon a blood-covered Inej, her leg bent wrong as she was frozen on the ground, her own blade pressed to her chest.
The men were in hoods and had the lower half of their faces covered with cloth to conceal their identity.
But they were struggling with Inej to keep her from pressing her own blade into her chest to escape the situation.
The empty and dissociated look in Inej’s eyes, her severely injured body, and the weight of what she was willing to do to escape, nearly made y/n collapse seeing her best friend in that state.
Seeing y/n, they ran off quickly before she was in range to strike them as she had her sword on her but not her guns.
They’d all assumed Inej was fine when she went to check on her so she didn’t bother packing her guns.
She preferred her sword anyways but that night she regretted it.
Instead of chasing after them, she dragged Inej to a hiding place and began to apply pressure to her wounds.
She knew she’d never make it back to the slat with Inej in the state she was in so she elected to wait for Kaz to come after her when y/n missed her own check in.
She made it as far as she could, hiding them just out of sight from the spot Kaz first found y/n years ago.
She knew Kaz would check there first.
They’d established the place as a meeting point whenever a mission would go wrong or separate the two of them.
She wanted to change the meaning of the location from her traumatic experience into less triggering when she’d have to pass so Kaz suggested that should something happen this location could be a sign of her strength and how far she’d come and that should she need it, support would still find her here.
It was the first time he truly surprised her.
She’d seen his deep understanding of her apprehension to the spot and his caring intent to change it to a more positive place for her.
He of course claimed it made it easier to ensure she did her job right, but she could tell it was because he understood her.
Therefore, it hadn’t taken long for Kaz to know where to check and drag Jesper with him to track down the two of them hiding in that alley.
He knew something was wrong, neither one missed check ins.
For both of them to do so in the same night caused a huge sense of doom to form within him.
As his cane echoed down the street, y/n lifted from her position and waved them down for help.
Since then, despite Inej being on bed rest and Nina not wanting to leave her side, Inej had tried to reassure y/n she was okay.
However, tonight, the bragging men caused those emotions, concern, fury, etc. to return at an even higher volume now.
It was then that she understood why Kaz labeled it as revenge rather than justice.
She didn’t want to make it equal as justice would suggest.
She wanted to make them pay.
Make them understand not to mess with her friends/those she cares about.
Make them suffer the way Inej had.
Call it what you will, justice or revenge, either way it was the only thing on her mind at this moment.
She had to leave her weapons behind, one of Kaz’s biggest reasons for concern, but she knew how to fight without them.
She excused herself from her group and made her way to the men.
She kept up her act and fake flirted with the man she believed was the spider.
She dragged her fingers along the cusp of his sleeve as she walked past him, her intent being to get him away from the others when she stepped outside.
However, she actions exposed a ragged scar on the back of his forearm that triggered a memory she wasn’t expecting.
She hadn’t recalled it that night, her adrenaline pushing logic from her brain, but when struggling with Inej, the man’s sleeve rolled up to show a scar, that same scar.
She was correct, he was the spider, her target.
She knew she was to leave and tell Kaz; letting him deal with it.
But the burning anger in her kept her from letting him be the one to get to have revenge.
After all, he said she couldn’t do what Inej could; maybe it was time she prove otherwise.
The man easily fell for her trap and followed her outside, away from the others.
As soon as he stepped out, y/n had him pinned against the exterior wall of the club.
“What the-“ the man gasped, anger flashing in his eyes within seconds.
“You thought you’d get away with hurting her?” y/n asks, kneeing him in the groin.
The man doubles over as he curses at her, grabbing her leg to pull her down.
Y/n removes her leg from his grip and uses the same leg to pin him to the ground with a swift kick.
“Hey!” Someone shouts from the distance.
Y/n looks over and glares at the person as they run back into the club, likely to get others.
“This is over that bi-“ the spider begins, coughing slightly.
“I don’t suggest finishing that remark” she growls, digging her heel into his back.
She knows she has no chance of winning this.
Maybe if she had her weapons, or the other crows at least.
However, the mission did not allow for either of those hence why she wasn’t supposed to be doing this.
But she couldn’t help it. She didn’t know what her plan was exactly.
She didn’t know how she was planning on making him pay for what he did to Inej when she didn’t have her weapons to hurt him in the way she wanted.
She also couldn’t use her skill of understanding his psychology because she just met him.
She knew nothing about him, not his name, not his age, nothing other than what he was responsible for.
She relied on Inej’s intel on their opponents to be able to manipulate them.
Yes, she has the skill to figure things out herself as well, but it has dwindled since joining the dregs and crows.
Kaz limited her opportunities to obtain intel.
He never said why, but he wouldn’t let her get it herself, she was to only use the intel that Inej found.
She never asked him why as she could tell it was important to him so she just accepted it.
However, after what he said earlier today, she couldn’t help but think it might have to do with how she stacked up compared to Inej.
This turmoil in her brain didn’t help her already lacking focus caused by her lack of resources.
As a result, she didn’t hear when someone came behind her until she was pulled backwards.
As she turned and punched the person holding her until he let her go, all hell broke loose.
It took her a few moments to understand why other people were fighting against her attackers.
It was only once she heard the signature whipping sound of Kaz’s cane cutting through the air as he began striking the person who grabbed her that she noticed back up had arrived.
Y/n smirked and made her way back to the man with the scar, still furious but now a clearer focus.
“Y/n/n” Jesper yells, tossing her her sword before he goes back to shooting another legion crew member.
She nods once and swings at the man, instantly slicing his abdomen.
Just as she was about to draw her sword back and strike him again, she feels a bullet graze her upper arm.
She winces but as she turns to attack whoever shot her, she notices Kaz has beaten her to it, that man now in a bloody curled-up position under his cane as Kaz towers over him.
Y/n makes eye contact with Kaz as he looks towards her to check on her status, noticing his anger even as he looks at her.
"You just had to do this didn't you?" Kaz grumbles, his fear from moments ago only increasing when she was struck.
"Not the time Kaz" she remarks, turning back to her target, the spider responsible for Inej's pain.
"I told you not to do this" Kaz argues, knocking another person down behind her as more people pour out of the club.
She ignores him and digs her heel back into the spider's thigh, making him shout.
"Enough Kaz, she's right now is not the time, the plan is over" Matthias argues from somewhere off to the side.
"It is not my fault she thought she could take them on alone" Kaz remarks in frustration at her lack of concern for herself.
Y/n turns to glare at Kaz for once again insulting her, even though she can tell he did not mean it the way it came across.
She can see it each time in his reaction to her response to his remarks, but it does not stop the pain.
While she is distracted, the spider is able to grab her leg and try to pull her to the ground.
She stumbles, catching herself barely against the wall behind him as she tries to stay standing.
“Jes” Kaz growls before making some signal y/n doesn’t recognize.
Thanks to Jesper’s sharpshooting and Wylan’s explosives, it only takes about twenty seconds until Kaz and Matthias are able to drag y/n away from the scene.
Well, Matthias had thrown her over his shoulder at Kaz’s demand and was leading her back to the slat.
Meanwhile, Kaz spared her one last angry look before turning his gaze back to the Legion’s spider.
———
Nina immediately fixed up y/n’s scrapes from the fight prior to being dragged away from it.
“He’s mad” Inej says, unnecessarily wrapping y/n’s arm with cloth.
“Kaz? When isn’t he?” Y/n murmured, her frustration of being removed from the fight clear in her voice and words.
“At you? Not as often as he is at the rest of us” Inej smirks, gently rubbing the cloth until it holds.
Y/n rolls her eyes, “ Why am I here?”
“This is your home” Nina scoffs, moving towards y/n’s swollen ankle; it’s clear she doesn’t wear heels often- let alone fight in them-.
“That’s not what I’m saying Nina. We were in the middle of a fight and your brawny boyfriend literally carried me out!” Y/n says, glaring over at Matthias who is sitting silently next to them.
“I had orders y/n. It wasn’t personal” he sighs.
“Since when do you listen to Kaz’s orders without question?” She argues, pushing each heel off with her opposite foot.
“It was clear he was not asking” he defends.
“He never really is” y/n points out.
“This was different” Matthias rebuts, causing Inej and Nina both to smirk.
Y/n rolls her eyes, “I’m not in the mood for this. Think what you will, but he only did this because be doesn’t think I’m capable”.
“That’s not true y/n” inej frowns, “besides, even if so, we believe in you”.
Y/n gives her a soft smile and nod, “thanks”.
“No, thank you. You didn’t need to-“ Inej starts, her tone displaying her guilt as if she caused all of this to happen.
“Please don’t thank me. Especially when Kaz didn’t even let me actually get revenge” y/n groans, standing up.
“Besides, no one gets to hurt you,” she looks around the portion of crows currently present and adds, “any of you”.
Before anyone can respond, she walks away and up to Kaz’s room.
Y/n crosses her arms as she throws herself into his chair to wait for him to scold her or ignore her in some passive aggressive response because he cannot just say what he is thinking and feeling.
———
It was once he made it back to the slat that night that he confessed how he felt to her.
He was not intending to, instead he wanted to ignore her and the feelings he felt that night.
He wanted to pretend none of it happened, and that if it had, it did not impact him at all.
Y/n was sitting at his desk, seemingly expecting Kaz’s normal silent treatment that a crow would get for messing up a heist or task.
However, the moment Kaz walks in, he slams his hands on the table and begins to verbally scold her behavior.
"What the hell were you thinking?!” He asks, refusing to look at her.
“Me?! You’re the one who interrupted!” She snaps.
“Because you deviated from the plan” Kaz says, trying to balance his voice and tone.
“The plan was stupid” y/n scoffs.
“Excuse me?” Kaz questions, his eyes moving closer to her but not quite looking at her.
“I said, the plan was stupid. You really expected me to not want to make him pay?! He hurt Inej! Yet your stupid damn plan was for me to do nothing?!” Y/n shouts, standing up to be more level with him.
“Yes and you deviated from it” Kaz says, his voice balanced now .
“I already admitted that! But you did too!” She remarks.
“Because you did first!” Kaz says, his tone raising with his anger again.
“You’re the one who is mad anyone deviated but it’s fine when you do it? Why?!” She yells, glaring at him.
“Because you could've been killed! " he snaps, his eyes looking her over Before landing on her arm.
“I wasn’t” she sighs.
“But you could have!” Kaz says, no longer trying to control his tone or voice.
“Why do you care Kaz?!” She asks, shaking her head.
“Because” He growls, “you are important”.
Y/n watches him for a moment, trying to figure out his meaning.
“How so?” She asks, unable to read him.
Kaz’s eyes flicker to her briefly, showing her the pain and fear behind his anger.
Looking back down at the desk he says, “it’s simple. You serve a role”.
Y/n scoffs in shock and offense, “don’t lie Kaz. You said earlier, I can’t do what Inej can do! I clearly don’t serve a role here “.
Kaz huffs, pressing himself off the table until he’s no longer leaning in it, “y/n… You underestimate your importance”.
“Inej can handle whatever the crows need on a mission if I’m gone or something happens to me” y/n says, causing Kaz to glare at her.
“I don’t care about the mission” he says, his lips forming a tight straight line.
“Saints Kaz, you and I both know that’s not true” She laughs sarcastically, “the most important thing to you is the mission, especially if it means more Kruge”.
Kaz runs his gloves hand down his face as he stares at her and shakes his head, “Y/n. Don’t be naive. You underestimate your importance…; to me”.
Y/n forces out a gust of air as she stares at Kaz in shock.
Is he actually saying he cares about someone, about her?
“You…” she begins, shaking her head as if it’ll clear her mind, “you said Inej is better. I can’t be the important one if she’s better”.
“I didn’t say she was better” Kaz rolls his eyes.
“You said I can’t-“ she defends.
“I know what I said” Kaz scoffs, “I said, you cannot do what Inej can”.
Y/n nods, raising an eyebrow at him to signal him to explain.
“I did not say you weren’t capable of doing what she can. You are more than capable. But you cannot because I won’t have you doing that. You did that tonight, and-“ he sighs, waving his hand at her arm.
“You didn’t mean that she was more skilled?” Y/n questions quietly.
Kaz frowns, a reaction he only lets her see in private on rare occasions.
Sure he scowls around others, but he doesn’t frown in response to anyone or anything as it displays his emotions; something he only will do around her every now and then.
“No” he says, his heart racing as she smiles at his confession, “you can handle the same situations. But I confess I’m not comfortable with it”.
“Because you care about me?” She whispers, stepping closer to him.
He closes his eyes and nods once, y/n noticing his reluctance to show his feelings.
“I know you think it’s a weakness to care about someone Kaz” y/n sighs, stepping close to him without touching him at all.
“But that’s what being friends means” y/n adds, turning her head towards him.
“That’s not it” Kaz sighs, looking at her.
“What do you mean?” She asks, Kaz hearing her sympathy in her tone and concern in her eyes; concern for him.
“You underestimate your importance to me yet again” He whispers, his eyes scanning every detail of her face.
Y/n smiles and despite neither of them having lit the room, he can see her blush.
Kaz hates the fact that he feels the way he does as it puts them both in danger, but her reaction pushes those fears away for the moment.
Kaz shakingly reaches out and cautiously touches her cloth wrap with his gloved hand.
“I’m okay Kaz” she laughs softly, removing the wrap Inej placed over the area the bullet grazed her.
Nina’s healing caused most of it to be fixed already, leaving only a small raised red line from inflammation.
She knew Inej was aware she didn’t need the bandage but that it told help her feel better about y/n’s injury so she let her.
However, now it was time to reassure Kaz by showing him she was okay.
Kaz silently looked over her arm, his gloved fingers hovering over it as he steadied his breath.
“Don’t do it again” Kaz says gruffly, lowering his hand and stepping back.
“First of all, where is the please?” Y/n smirks, crossing her arms over her chest.
Kaz laughs one genuine laugh, making her smile at him.
“Please, my dear y/n, don’t do it again” he says gently, surprising y/n by the lack of sarcasm in his voice.
“Do what Kaz?” She asks, her soft eyes resting on his.
“Underestimate your importance to me” He responds, abruptly moving to the sink to wash up from the fight.
Y/n grins to herself, “okay Kaz”.
Kaz glances back at her, his normally intense eyes now calm.
His feelings for her might terrify him.
And he may not have officially, fully, or conventionally confessed his feelings to her.
But he knows she at least now has some semblance of understanding as to why he won’t let her take on the riskier tasks. Meaning he knows she’ll be less likely to be reckless, which makes him calm a little.
That plus the surge of warmth in his chest at her non verbal reciprocation to his confession is all he needs to realize that whatever the risks, she’s worth it to him.
-----
That was a bit long haha but I hope you enjoyed it!
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