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#shadowhunters crack
mayaheronthorn · 4 months
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Ty: Statistically speaking, there's a bigger chance to get killed by a cow than a shark
Kit: Statistically speaking there's a chance to get killed by a cat *looking at Church* I'm watching you, chunky boy.
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lurafita · 2 months
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Kidnapping high warlocks 101
Beware of total and utter crack:
Realizing Alec’s birthday is approaching, Jace and Izzy find themselves struggling to come up with the perfect gift.
After much contemplation, they have the *genius* idea of kidnapping Magnus and giving Alec the warlock as a present. (Remember, crack! Not slavery, just two, possibly drunk, idiots trying to do something nice for their brother)
Unfortunately for them, it's really damn hard to kidnap Magnus.
.
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cam-ryt · 11 months
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This one's soberly entitled "EVERY FUCKING TIME MAGNUS"
I'm convinced this happens on a daily basis
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kasper-tag · 7 months
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✨Here's the second chapter of Meow and Forever!✨
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Title: Meow and Forever
Pairing: Malec
Rating: Mature
No archive warnings apply
Word Count: 10,000+ (still writing and editing)
Summary: When Alec returns home from a week-long work trip, Magnus is nowhere to be found. The doors are locked, there's a horrible, lingering smell in the loft, and a big black cat shows up out of nowhere. Alec tries his best to solve the surreal mystery he's faced with while questioning his sanity. Where did this weird cat come from, and where the hell is his husband?
Written for @animalecfest for the prompt: Lost
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If prompts are open can I have more of the deruned!alec prompt, specifically angry and protective Magnus confronting people (clary, jace, Izzy)
Yeah, I'm a little bored and waiting for edits to finish before I write new chapters for active wips. Thanks @i-cant-think-of-one-meh
So here we go, enjoy!
~
It takes days for the pain to ebb enough for Alexander to sit up and breathe without choking on his own agony. 
Alexander’s body is no longer protected by angelic grace and it bears its wounds heavily, adjusting to its new normal.
And it is Magnus who wipes the sweat and tears from his skin. Who pieces Alexander back together with gentle, protective touches and bright magic that makes Alexander smile softly.
It’s a gift. Because at the beginning, it seemed that Alexander might  never smile again. 
And Magnus shores up his defenses and when, four days after he found Alexander huddling against Magnus’ wards, he’s reached out to, he snaps on his armor and he portals to the institute. 
Alec is still unconscious. But he’s given Magnus permission to make choices for him. Because Alexander doesn’t even trust himself, but he trusts Magnus, and Magnus has never betrayed that trust.
So Magnus portals to the Institute and he lets the wards wail as they announce his presence. Magic flickers around him and his heels click and clack loudly in the pristine halls.
Most of the shadowhunters in them look haunted, and they send scowls of distaste and hatred towards the group that demanded Magnus’ presence and aid.
“And what trouble have you three gotten into now, that makes you call an old warlock to meddle in shadowhunter business?” Magnus asks dangerously, his voice dark as he gets closer.  
“Ah Magnus.” Clary looks flustered and a little nervous. There is an empty daze to Jace’s eyes and he’s holding onto Isabelle almost desperately. 
And Isabelle, Alexander's precious younger sister, she looks devastated. 
Something in Magnus’ chest gives a satiated croon at the evidence of their suffering.
“We need help.” Clary admits. “We brought the cup back. But we still don’t know which warlock made the potion. Or how to track them.”
“And you might never know.” Magnus tells her cooly, examining his nails.
“What? Magnus, why aren’t you helping me?” She asks, as if Magnus is required to help her.
“You can’t afford me, Clarissa. I helped you pro-bono because you gave me something I wanted. It’s been made clear that what I want is no longer available, ergo, I am also no longer available.”
That catches all of their attention and Isabelle’s lips wobble and Jace grimaces, putting a hand on his side where his parabatai rune once lay. 
Magnus wonders if it’s still there, or if it’s gone like Alec’s is. If it has a scar, or if Jace is like Alec, desperate for the reminder of such a deep betrayal to be erased, forever.
“You mean you only helped me because of Alec?” Clary asks angrily, as though she has any right to be angry.
The Clave may have pardoned her, but Magnus never will. 
“Have you seen him? Have you seen Alec?” Izzy asks desperately, at the same time that Clary does.
“Alexander made his stance on seeing me again clear, Isabelle. I do not linger where I am not wanted.”
Izzy chokes, as if she’d held to some quiet and desperate hope that Magnus would solve her problems, one more time.
“Speaking of which, where is your lovely commander? I’ve heard some concerning rumors about him; they are rumors. Aren’t they?”
They stutter out a lackluster attempt to avoid answering and it turns into a lacking explanation that says nothing of substance until Clary finally mutters that Alec was ‘deruned’ and hasn’t been heard from since the process. As he exited through the portals of the Spiral Labyrinth, no one knows where he ended up. Or if he’s still alive.
And Izzy and Jace flinch like the word itself is salt on an open wound. 
“The only reason I ever helped you, beyond the original consultation and payment, was because I wanted him.” Magnus says it conversationally, as if it’s as obvious as vampires avoiding the sun. 
“And when your choices pulled him away from me. I let it go, because surely Alexander could make his own mistakes. I didn’t realize that he would always bear the consequences of your actions. And I never realized how little any of you would care that he would.”
Jace snarls at him and it’s an angry thing. But Magnus simply sniffs at him.
“Well now that you’ve truly destroyed any hope for me here, I will leave you to your lives. Maybe by the time you’re thirty, you’ll have figured it out.”
Magnus tuts and turns, hears Jace’s angry and upset shouts and Isabelle’s guilty and sad sobs and Clary, confused about it all and trying to make it better, but only making it worse.  
“It’s not the lack of the runes themselves that are causing him so much harm.”Brother Zacahariah —but always Jem to a precious few— tells Magnus telepathically.  “It is the lack of anchor, he is no longer tied to Raziel and his devotion has nowhere to go. His faith in Raziel and his family, his culture; it’s been broken too greatly to ever truly be healed.”
“So what do I do?” Magnus asks desperately. Cat is keeping Alexander in a healing trance, her magic stabilizing him as Magnus finds a way to heal and protect him. To keep him alive, because Magnus wants Alexander alive.
Magnus will do anything to keep Alexander and Alexander is letting him.
“You anchor Alec Lightwood to yourself. It is a heavy burden, to be someone’s reason for living. This will be a more intimate bond than you could ever imagine Magnus, you will become his world. His purpose for living, the reason for his every breath.
“Nephilim are powered by belief and devotion. You have enough divine blood, fallen though it is. And if he truly devotes himself to you, you will be stronger than even your father. Raziel is so powerful and untouchable for a reason, Magnus. It is because of the nephilim, who he created and who worship him in turn.”
Magnus is greedy and while he understands the weight of what Jem is saying, he’s selfish enough to admit that he wants what is being offered like a werewolf yearns for the moon. 
If Magnus does this. Alexander will never leave him. Alexander will never want to leave. And Magnus can make sure he never does.
“Anchor him to me Jem, he gave himself to me completely. I want this. I want him.”
Jem looks at him with a solemn gaze before nodding quietly. “Then I will help you steal a nephilim soul from Raziel, and bind it to yourself. He will share your immortality, as he will be your devotee.”
Glee crackles through Magnus’ body, a lust for becoming the most important being to someone, to Alexander specifically, lighting a thrill through his body. 
A stele —an old and elegant, almost deceptively delicate looking— is pressed to his palm. As Magnus watches, it lights up, glowing with the same light as the red suns of Edom do. He sears a rune onto Alexander’s skin, just above his heart. 
It is Magnus name, the rune his power claimed, the translation of himself, in the defiled and unholy language of fallen angels.
It burns. Magnus can feel Alexander shaking under Magnus' firm grip as he sears a place for himself onto Alexander’s body. 
Alexander is claimed, branded with Magnus’ mark.
He can feel him. The desperation. The hope. The depth of his devastation and the strength he clings to Magnus with. Hoarding the fact that Magnus is protecting him, will never betray him, like a dragon hoards its treasures.
“It is up to you what runes he bears. They will integrate better if you do them first.”
Magnus nods at the instructions and lets himself linger in thought. He traces the tender skin of Alexander’s anchor  to him, and knows what to use next. 
He replaces the deflect rune on Alexander’s neck with a similar one. Because something in him hungers for a rune Magnus has chosen, to be easy for others to see. He wants to be able to see it himself, curling above Alexander's shirt collars.  Wants to scratch over it with his nails when they sit together, or leave marks blurring the smooth lines of the rune with his teeth.
And most of all, Magnus will avoid using angelic runes as much as possible. It displeases Magnus to even think about Raziel’s marks claiming even an inch of Alexander’s skin.
Not when he now belongs to Magnus.
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carelessflower · 5 months
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look what final made me do
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banesapothecary · 5 months
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how the grinch got them arrested on christmas read on ao3
“This is not what I had in mind when I suggested we should travel over Christmas,” Alec says drily. The arid heat is just as he remembers, though he knows he’s never been here specifically. Once you’ve seen one dimension of hell, you really have seen them all, he thinks.
Magnus sighs, the sound longsuffering and exhausted in a way that makes Alec pull him against his side. “Believe me, darling, this is not how I pictured our holiday, either.” He lays his head on Alec’s shoulder for a moment before straightening. “Alright, let’s find a way out of here. The boys will be furious if they wake up and Santa hasn’t come.”
Alec snorts, slipping his hand into Magnus’s and following his husband. “Just once, I’d like to see a dimension of heaven,” he says. “We’ve been to hell three times, now. Three , Magnus.”
“You say this like it’s my fault,” Magnus says.
“Well, technically, the first two—"
The ground splits in front of them, a chasm at least 50 feet wide opening up inches from their feet. Alec tugs Magnus back, stumbling and sending the two of them falling back onto the hard ground.
“Are you alright?” Magnus asks, standing as the ground stops shaking. He helps Alec up, brushing some dust from his cheek.
“Yes,” Alec says, tugging Magnus into his arms as his heart beats wildly. “You?” Magnus nods against him, leaving a kiss on his neck.
“Well, this is sweet,” a gravelly voice says behind them. “But we have a no-PDA rule here in [Name of Hell Dimension].”
Magnus steps out of his embrace as Alec turns. A man stands there, though Alec strongly suspects he isn’t a man at all, but the greater demon who controls this realm.
Magnus looks around them. “Is that a problem you encounter often?”
The demon thinks for a moment. “Not really, no. But being alone for over a millennium makes even the thought disgusting,” he concedes.
“Been there,” Magnus mutters under his breath.
“Sorry about the giant tear in the ground,” the demon says. “You two are quick. Could hardly keep up.”
“And that was the best way you could think to stop us?” Magnus asks. The demon only nods.
“So, uh,” Alec says, “any reason you tore a rift into our apartment on Christmas Eve?”
The demon’s eyes light up. “Oh, yes, it’s Christmas! I adore Christmas.”
“Really?” Alec asks.
“Oh, yes!” The demon’s human appearance begins to change, the skin becoming a shade of green that Alec could only describe as reminiscent of the time Max ate three hold cups of green apple j-ello and promptly threw them up on his sweater. “It’s my favorite time of year,” he says with a wistful tone. “Sneaking into mundane homes, stealing away their trees and their presents. It’s a magical time of year.”
Alec frowns, utterly confused, but Magnus lets out a laugh. “You’re the Grinch?”
“What’s a Grinch?” Alec asks as the Grinch nods excitedly.
“The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. He’s a Dr. Suess character,” Magnus tells him. “He lives on a mountain over Whoville, and he steals all of their Christmas decorations, and then at the end he brings them all back and his grows three sizes bigger.”
“Suess took horrible creative liberties,” the demon says with a glum expression that deepens the lines on his forehead. “I never bring anything back. Finders keepers.”
“I don’t think that applies when you steal something,” Magnus says, but the Grinch doesn’t hear him. “So did you inspire the book or did the book inspire you, then?”
The demon ignores his question, and Magnus and Alec share a look. “I was on my way when you two so rudely hijacked my portal,” the Grinch says, rather cross.
“Finders keepers,” Alec says, and the demon nods sagely.
“Very sorry,” Magnus says. “We didn’t intend to ruin your evening. My husband has this thing about investigating when a rift to a dimension of hell opens up in our living room.”
Alec elbows him in the shoulder. “Would you not have investigated if I wasn’t home?”
“Of course not,” Magnus says. “Immediately,” he concedes at Alec’s raised eyebrows. “I would have called Cat to watch the boys first.”
Alec blinks. “We probably should have done that anyway.”
Magnus waves a hand. “They’ll be fine. Their room is the most heavily warded place in the Western hemisphere.”
Alec snorts. “Of course, it is.”
“After Shinyun, I wasn’t taking any chances,” Magnus says.
The demon clears his throat. “The rift opened in your living room? You don’t happen to live in Peru, do you?”
“No,” Magnus says, grinning. “I’m banned from Peru, actually. Bit of a long story.”
“It’s not that long,” Alec says, rolling his eyes. “It involved lots and lots of alcohol. And no, we live in New York. Brooklyn.”
“Oh, I went incredibly off course, then,” the demon says. “I try to change it up year to year. It gets so dull stealing from the same homes each year.”
“I’m sure,” Magnus agrees somberly. “Just to clarify, you don’t mean our world or the people there any trouble other than stealing their Christmas tidings?”
“Oh, yes, of course,” the demon says. “It would ruin all the fun if I destroyed your world. Whose presents would I steal?”
“Great point,” Alec says, shooting Magnus a look. “Hey, usually I have a strong Don’t-Let-Greater-Demons-Into-Our-World policy, but I’m willing to make an exception if you can send us back home in time for Christmas.”
“Oh, sure,” the demon says. “I was about to make a new one now that I’ve tracked you lot down.”
“Friendly guy,” Magnus says under his breath as the demon opens a rift.
“Nicest demon I’ve ever met,” Alec says. “It’s a low bar, though.” Without letting themselves think about it too much, they followed the demon through the rift. Alec blinks as he looks around. “Um. Where are we?”
“Peru,” the demon answers cheerfully.
“Well, that’s unfortunate,” Magnus says as the Peruvian High Council of Warlocks surrounds them.
“You’re still banned, aren’t you?” Alec asks.
“It would seem so,” Magnus says. “Though I am surprised they found me that quickly. I’m almost touched.”
“Is now a bad time to pull the Consul card?” Alec whispers.
“I’d save it a little longer,” Magnus says. “For dramatic purposes, of course.”
 //
“Ironically, this is closer to what I had in mind for a Christmas vacation,” Alec says.
“You imagined us both in handcuffs?” Magnus asks.
“One of us, at least.”
Magnus chokes on a laugh. “Whatever happened to that innocent, blushing Shadowhunter who fell down the stairs after kissing me?”
“You,” Alec says, giving him a pointed look that has Magnus grinning proudly. “You happened.”
“And it’s been the honor of my life to corrupt you,” Magnus says brightly.
“Someone’s in a remarkably good mood considering he’s under arrest,” a woman’s voice says. They look up, finding Tessa leaning against the wall across from the cell they’ve been left in. Her arms are crossed, and she regards them with an arched brow. “You do know it’s Christmas.”
“Of course,” Magnus says. “But you know us, Tessa, dear. Can’t miss out on a single adventure.”
“I, for one, wouldn’t mind missing them every now and then,” Alec says. “Hi, Tessa. Come to bail us out, I hope?”
“Why didn’t you tell them you’re the Consul?” Tessa asks. “You’d both be back home by now. Or you would, at least. I hear the grudge against Magnus is still quite strong.”
“Dramatic effect,” Magnus says as Alec says, “I’m not leaving him in prison .”
Alec and Tessa both roll their eyes. “On second thought, maybe I should.”
Magnus gasps. “That’s not in the Christmas spirit, Alexander.”
“No,” Alec agrees, “but I think our new friend the Grinch would appreciate it.”
“What?” Tessa asks.
“Long story,” Magnus tells her. “I’ll fill you in over hot cocoa if you can sweet talk them into releasing us.”
“Already done,” Tessa smirks.
“What?” Magnus asks. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
“Dramatic effect,” Tessa says coolly as one of the warlocks from earlier steps out of the shadows and unlocks the cell door. With a snap of his fingers, their cuffs fall open. “I’d portal home now before they change their minds, if I were you,” Tessa adds.
“Come with us,” Alec says, pulling her into a brief hug as he exits the cell. “I’m sure the boys would love to see you.”
Tessa smiles. “I’ll come over with Jem later. We have our own plans this morning.”
“Of course,” Magnus says, kissing her cheek. “The two of you are always welcome.” He held a hand out to Alec. “Home?”
“Please,” Alec says, taking his husband’s hand.
//
The loft is still quiet when they step through the portal. Magnus pokes his head into the boys room, using magic to muffle the sound of the door as he shuts it.
“Still asleep,” he says, following Alec into their bedroom. “We have time for a shower,” Magnus adds, wiggling his eyebrows.
Alec snorts. “Subtle.”
“You were the one talking about handcuffs earlier, darling,” Magnus says, raising his eyebrows in a challenge. “I suppose I can take a shower by myself. All alone. Without my loving, incredibly attractive husband to—”
“Oh, I didn’t say I wasn’t interested,” Alec interrupts, slipping his hands under Magnus’s shirt.
Magnus’s eyes dip to Alec’s lips in a way that sends heat down his spine, but before he can do anything about it, he hears the sound of their sons’ feet running down the hallway.
“Daddy! Bapak! Did Santa come?” Max asks as he bursts into the room, Rafe not far behind him. 
Alec steals a kiss from Magnus before pulling away from him to pick up Max. “Let’s go find out, Blueberry,” he says, kissing his round cheek with a smack.
“Yes,” Magnus says, tousling Rafe’s hair. “Lead the way, Rafe. I bet Santa left both of you something really good.”
Later, once all the presents have been opened, and copious amounts of gingerbread cookies consumed, Magnus summons a book with a bright orange cover. Alec peeks over his shoulder aet the title and barely suppresses a snort. “Boys,” Magnus calls, grinning mischievously at Alec. “Have either of you heard of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas?”
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foodsies4me · 10 months
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I love your ridiculous titles 😂 but I'll go with "alobg came a Shadowhunters", for reasons
Glad I could entertain with the ridiculousness of my titles, they do crack me up from time to time as well.😂
While I know you were hoping from some Asmodeus and baby!Alec I don’t have any scenes at present that I like writing-wise (words too clunky, sentences too awkward etc.) that I haven’t shared already. So, instead have this very short prologue I’ve written about Hodge who plays a pretty integral part in the story even though he dies in the first chapter after tricking Asmodeus. (He’s the one who ends up tying Alec to Asmodeus in a vaguely parabatai/Faustian Pact/Protector-Protegee deal after all.)
Hodge Starkweather is not a good man. It’s a fact. A truth. A reality he’s well aware of and always has been.
Unlike the others, he hadn’t needed hate to carry out Valentine’s missions. Hadn’t needed to live under the belief they were doing the right thing. He hadn’t even needed the fear so many other Circle members had been rallied under, the careful lies and heightened delusions that the Downworld was coming for them, they were coming to murder, rape, burn all they were and all they held dear.
Hodge had needed none of it. He’d just needed the promise of justice, the false lie that he’d be respected for his skills and not his pedigree because Hodge Starkweather is not a good man. He might be a good soldier, a great fighter, an excellent killer even, but not a good man. Never a good man. 
He’s too deceitful. Too abrasive. Too prideful and envious. He’s just that tickle too resentful of people and things to content himself with the hand life has given him. Resentful of the higher ups who gave positions based on prestige rather than merit. Resentful of the downworlders and shadowhunters who’d survived and thwarted their plans. Resentful of Valentine for using him the way the academy, the institute and the whole damned Clave had used him.
Hateful towards the Lightwoods for using their last names to get off scot free.
No, Hodge Starkweather is not a good man and while a good man can forget, a bad man never forgives.
I hope the lack of baby!Alec and annoyed!Asmodeus wasn’t too disappointing and that you enjoyed this tiny prologue that shows a first look on how things end up unfolding the way they do. (And again thank you for tagging me and for the ask!💜)
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okayclaryfray · 1 year
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Tsc crack ship poll
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izzymalec · 1 year
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absolutely dying right now bc i just found out that in 2015 i made a johnlock gifset with lyrics from hello by adele
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mayaheronthorn · 4 months
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Kit: *coming to Julian's room* What you doing?
Julian: Painting, what's up?
Kit: Can you paint me something?
Julian: Sure! What do you want?
Kit: Like... 37 pictures of Ty smiling
Julian: .....
Kit:.... I can pay you 10 bucks
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lurafita · 4 days
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Magnus the scholar
Magnus: "Darling, would you mind if I glamoured myself to look like a teenager for a few hours every day and enrolled in highschool? I need to know if TV's depiction of the mundane school environment is accurate."
Alec: "Is there a reason you need to know this?" Magnus: "Idle curiosity and an ever growing need to remind the shadow world as a whole that I'm an eccentric, centuries old, and very powerful warlock who does whatever he wants."
Alec: "Whatever makes you happy, Sweetheart."
Hilarity ensues
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Standing Together On This Frontline Of Ours
Shadowhunters. Malec. 2k+ words. Rating: General.
Summary: Isabelle and Jace need to learn how to back off, knock, and stop sticking their noses into places that don't concern them
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The concept of crack videos is so funny to me honestly. Like let me take this good show, take one episode from it, and make memes out of all the scenes that are memeable and memorable AND it will only be understandable to people who've seen the show. Out of context they're horrendous but in context they're an art form. Quite the duality.
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heavensenthearty · 2 years
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Zuko: Whatsa matter, Jace? You angry because you can't charm your way thru?
Jace: *storms out*
Cardan Greenbriar: So... when are you going to admit it?
Zuko: What?
Cardan: That you like Jace.
Zuko: Wha—What are you talking about?!
Cardan: Not soon enough, I see.
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mwagneto · 2 years
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HELP god i've seen this scene (and show lbr) so many times idt even a memory wipe could eradicate any of it at this point but somehow i was too young to understand the like. true meaning of magnus saying he fucked michelangelo
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