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#shall i do a sing cover of work song and use them for the background lmao
cupcakentea · 3 years
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dat-town · 3 years
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not gonna miss this chance
Characters: Han Seojun & soloist!female reader
Genre: fluff
Setting: true beauty au, set a year after the tv show’s ending timeline
Summary: Your career is on the verge of ending, hence your management puts you up to do a duet with the infamous Han Seojun. You have heard too many rumours about him to keep track of and yet, none of them could have prepared you for the feelings that came with meeting him.
Words: 4.1k
Self indulgent little snippet because he deserves happiness too.
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You had heard of Han Seojun before meeting him, of course you had. Everybody who was in the industry had heard of the hot trend of a Newstagram star-turned idol and his band's shining debut from a year ago. They were told to have snatched teenage girls hearts all over Korea with their good looks and soulful music. You had heard their title track and you had to admit it was nice but nice wasn't enough in a cut-throat industry like entertainment.
Look at you, starting training at twelve, debuting at fifteen and now barely twenty-one you were on the verge of becoming a thrown away doll. Once you had been called cute and the it girl of your generation and now? People were saying you got boring just because your music had matured. Gosh, you couldn't keep singing about first love like your hit song had been for the rest of your life for god's sake. Your last album had been a flop, your company had been losing money and you were still afraid that even with a year left of your contract, they would cut you. But your manager had begged them for a chance and here it was: a collaboration with the newest love of Korea.
But the thing was, Han Seojun had quite a reputation and you didn't know who to believe. Some said he was well-mannered and hard-working. Others gossiped that he was always flirting with his makeup artists and Chen claimed he had been rude to her even when he had just been a ‘nobody’. Not that you were particularly fond of Chen either but as a fellow solo female singer you were a tad bit worried how the infamous singer would treat you.
Well, standing in front of Move Entertainment, you were just about to find out. Taking a shallow breath you followed your manager's lead, bowing to the receptionist and getting into the elevator after taking your visitor's badge. You had heard the company has gone through many changes after the executives were replaced due to the revealed Seyeon scandal but everything looked expensive, shiny and new, unlike in your small agency.
“Hey, I’m Lim Heekyung, nice to meet you. Seojun will be in a minute, too,” a woman in a pantsuit walked up to you on the right floor with a confident smile as she introduced herself. She led you to a meeting room which was apparently customized for a few people only and started preparing papers. She looked excited which was a relief and nice to see, at least someone from Move Entertainment was happy for this project apparently. You were a bit afraid they would see you like a leech, trying to cling onto their new star’s popularity.
“Shall we start? Seojun is a fan of dramatic entrances anyways,” Miss Lim laughed joyfully as if it wasn’t new to her that the idol didn’t make it on time. Ah yeah, you had heard rumours saying that he had something on the company and that was why they were so lenient with him.
You sat in silence, let your manager do the talk about the collaboration project. Seojun could play the guitar, you could play the piano, apparently it was perfect for a ballad duet, though if you used instruments yourself it added to the preparations time. But luckily, there was a songwriter named Leo at the company who had already sent in a few samples specifically for Seojun, so you didn’t have to start from zero.
“Ah, I see you started without me. What did I miss?” A tall boy opened the door wide and flipped down onto the chair across you casually. He had grown into his lanky limbs and with those wide shoulders hugged by the leather jacket, helix earrings in one ear and soft brown hair brushed to one side, it wasn’t a surprise how many female fans swooned over him. But there were a lot of handsome boys in the business, just his looks – no matter how confident he was in them based on the way he carried himself – wouldn’t make a difference.
Miss Lim patiently let Seojun know about the advances and only when she mentioned your name, did the boy glance at you. His dark brown eyes had a sharp form, just as piercing as his gaze, but the cunning smile spreading over his lips softened it a bit. He looked at you as if he wanted to see through you, to figure out how he should have approached you. You expected a snarky or arrogant comment, but in the end, he just flashed a blinding smile at you, one you could see on his posters, before turning back to Miss Lim.
“What’s the schedule?” he asked simply and you both were notified about the deadline of deciding and finalizing the song, the dates of planned recording sessions and the photoshoot. Since there would be no promotion period, it all would be done within a month and half from start to finish. You were a bit relieved hearing that and leave Move Entertainment without any confrontation.
You thought you were good at masking your wary feelings since the further meetings went well and the first recording session went okay-ish. Although both of you had been a bit scolded by the producer for not putting enough feelings into your singing. He claimed that the demo sent by Leo was much more emotional which made Seojun scoff and mumble under his nose. The PD called it for a day, making you promise to practice for next time and one by one they all left. Your manager told you that he would bring the car while you refresh yourself in the bathroom, so you really didn’t expect anyone to wait for you when you stepped out of the restroom, much less Han Seojun.
"Spit it out," he bit out barely glancing your way as he leaned against the corridor’s wall.
"What?" you spluttered as you were really taken aback by his out of blue appearance and question. The guy let out a tired sigh at your obliviousness and pushed himself away from the wall just to walk up to you, towering over your height with his.
"You look at me as if I killed your hamster or something. Which rumour about me bothers you? I fucking can't keep walking on eggshells around you, especially when it's just the two of us," he tsked and you gulped at the sudden called out. You didn’t think it bothered him, or that he was considerate enough to ‘walk on eggshells around you’, you merely thought he was so distant from everybody. It was still better than what Chen had told you.
"Oh, I… nothing. It's stupid. Sorry," you mumbled, feeling embarrassed for your your actions but Seojun apparently wasn’t satisfied without a real answer as he carried on:
"I didn't bully kids in high school but I threatened ones that deserved it, I didn't only get a pity chance from the entertainment, one of our makeup artists is actually one of my best friends, I'm not…"
"Chen told me you are rude and arrogant and have no respect for girls," you blurted out to stop him from speaking because you felt like you didn’t deserve to hear all that. He didn’t owe you any explanation for the way he was. You were just co-workers for a project after all, you had no place in his life, nor he had in yours, so he shouldn’t have been that bothered by your opinion but you understood that he felt uncomfortable due to your silent accusations.
Hearing your hasty interruption, the singer scoffed, a laugh-like sound leaving his mouth.
"Well, I have no respect for girls like Chen who harass my friends and turn their lives into hell just to go on a date with me," he said and it made you blink slowly.
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh. Check your facts before you go around believing such crap," Seojun stepped back with a roll of his eyes.
The whole situation made you feel made about how you acted, so you wished to apologise but it fell from your lips all too carelessly: "Sorry, I was just worried. This is my last chance, so–"
"Last chance?" the guy quirked a brow at you, curious but you quickly waved his question away.
"Nevermind, I just need this song to do well."
"Of course, it will. I'm Han Seojun, it will turn to gold under my hands," he grinned and made eccentric gestures as if he was about to do magic. You couldn't help a smile. “Or well, vocal chords.”
And turn it to gold, he did.
The rest of your recording sessions went smoother, even the previously grumpy PD complimented your for the development in your chemistry. Funny, you wouldn’t have thought that the wall pulled up between the two of you mattered that much, but at least you didn’t have a knot in your stomach, nor did you worry about every small thing you did around Han Seojun. He also acted more casual, more playful, joking around when both of you had a bit of time to take a breather. He snapped silly pictures, showed off with his height, smirked when he got too close but despite all his bravado and lowkey flirting, you believed even he wouldn’t have jeopardised his career over something like this.
Maybe that's why wrapping up the recording felt a tad bit weird: you got used to his presence, his jokes, his beautiful, deep voice that you could have fallen asleep to. Sure, sometimes he was cocky, a bit rough around the edges but he was a great singer and a fun guy. The project seemed to work out well and you loved it a lot, so you hoped the listeners would appreciate it as well.
But before all that you had one photo shoot together for the promotional pictures and the single's cover. You were grateful for the simple pastel colour background and elegant setting. The warm light latte colour and the clock in the background really fit the song's vibe. Luckily, your dress was decent and pretty as well, you didn't have to feel uncomfortable in it at least.  However, you didn’t expect that happy yelp coming from one of the makeup artists stepping into the dressing room. You turned to face the girl, wondering whether she was your fan judged by her excitement.
"Oh my! I'm so happy to finally meet you! Seojun told us about you so much!" she beamed at you which obviously took you back. Well, that you didn’t expect at all. He spoke of you to others? Ah. Apparently to the makeup artist who was most probably that certain one of his best friends he had told you about?
"Don't exaggerate, Imju, I mentioned her like what… once?" Seojun walked in on cue. He rolled his eyes and cleared his throat, trying to avert the topic. "How's Suho?"
You had know idea who that said guy was but after a moment or two you could breathe properly once again while listening to their chatting.
“Just the usual. He’s excited about your duet.”
“Of course, he is,” Seojun grinned, a bit snarky but you could hear the proud undertones of it. When he looked at you, you were surprised by him leaning close though as he quieted down until only you could hear it. “Don’t worry, Jugyeong is really good and just stop her if she gets too gossip-y.”
“Are you talking about me behind my back, hah, Han Seojun?” The pretty girl called Jugyeong raised her fist as if she was about to hit the idol but he just laughed it off and left you two alone when he was hurried onto the set to start with his individual shoots.
“Have you known each other for a long time?” you couldn’t help but wonder as you were seated to get your makeup from her.
“Ah, almost 4 years, I think. We went to high school together. Plus, he’s best friends with my boyfriend. Though, they are always bickering like a married couple,” Jugyeong chuckled joyfully as she started with the cushion. You closed your eyes, listening as she kept going on about the time when Seojun had been obsessed with his motorbike, getting into trouble with his mother. It was strange hearing about a whole other side of him, mama's boy but the image tugged on your mouth, making you smile even though you weren't sure you had the right to know all that. You also learned that Seojun's sister was dating Jugyeong's brother and you felt so involved with the girl's trust albeit it was your last meeting, you were sure Seojun must have only told good things about you.
Hence, you felt shy under his knowing gaze when you walked out of the dressing room. He must have known that Jugyeong couldn't shut up for the life of her, so he looked a bit uncertain, too, stretching the back of his neck, forcing a cunning smile onto his smile when you took your place next to him.
To fit the ballad's theme, the setting was a piano decorated with flowers and you were instructed to sit beside him as if you were about to play a four hands piece. As you did what you had been told, you were very much aware of the way your arms brushed, his long fingers over the keys close to yours, his smile small but genuine.
"Great, great, guys! Someone help her onto the piano and Seojun, stand in front of her," the photographer directed the next scene but before any staff members would have rushed up to you, the singer next to you shushed them.
"I can do it," he insisted as he stood up and looked you in the eyes, silently asking for permission. You nodded while holding your breath back before Seojun put his hands on your waist above the fluffy tulle skirt part and counting on three, he lifted you onto the lid of the beautiful instrument.
You crossed your legs, watching in awe as your pink skirt fell down on waves  but your breath hitched for an entirely different reason when you looked up, gaze meeting Seojun's feline eyes trained on you. You had never seen him look at you like that, lacking playfulness or suspicion or curiosity. He looked open, vulnerable, outright starstruck. Your lips parted meaning to ask something but your brain shut off when you heard the shutter of the camera go down and the director yelling compliments at you. It made you snap out of it and later, you blamed the evident blush on your cheeks on the makeup. Seojun blinked too, his guarded expression back in no time, finishing the photo shoot professionally, always lingering close to you, but never touching you. Even though you wouldn’t have minded.
"Hey," Seojun peeked into your dressing room just as you were about to leave, packing up, with a smile on his mouth and sparkles in his deep brown eyes. But unlike half an hour ago when he wore a fancy suit and looked at you like a prince would have looked at his princess, he acted just as casual as he looked in his denim jacket over dark tee. "Wanna grab something with me if you finished for today?"
His question took you back but first thing first you glanced towards your manager, eyes begging for permission which you had gotten with a sigh.
"Just be discreet and call me if you need me to pick you up," your manager shrugged, leaving you two alone with a knowing look that told you to be careful. You didn't need to be told though, you knew how much depended on the current public response to your image.
"Seems like a green light. Have you thought of anything specific?" you turned back to the boy with a subtle smile.
"Not really but I know a few less frequent, secluded places to avoid much talk about us," he said and you nodded, following his lead. Masks, caps and hoodies on, you barely talk on your way to the tent with the lovely ahjumma who welcomed Seojun (two heads taller than her) with a pinch of his cheeks and told you to get seated.
"Are you a regular here?" you inquire, carefully pulling down your mask since not many people are around.
"You could say that," the boy hummed letting you adjust to the place at your own pace, not pressuring you with extra reassessments about how safe it is there. Yet, he is so casual as if he wasn't afraid of a getting mobbed by Dispatch out of the blue. Not that it happened to you a lot of times but you heard stories and at such a crucial time in your career, you feared something like that more than anything.
"Do you want to come up to mine instead?" Seojun blurted out suddenly which made you wide eyed in a span of a moment as you splattered out a surprised yelp. "Come on, I don't mean anything by it. You just look really nervous being in the public," the singer said, his deep voice softening, soothing by the end and you needed to take a breather before answering. You didn't think it was so obvious but apparently you had never been a good liar with him.
In the end, you decided on going over to Seojun's place, so he asked the ahjumma to pack your food to go and you headed towards his flat a few blocks from the company. It was a small but cozy place, much softer and brighter than you expected, lots of pastels and photos of friends and family. While the boy busied himself in the kitchen, getting you plates, chopsticks and beer, you were encouraged to look around and you couldn't help but smile at his photos with not only his band members but high school friends, too. You had seen photos of his graduation with Jugyeong, then another one of his debut with her and another guy.  He was a recurring person on a lot of pictures, so you assumed that he was the so-called Suho.
"He's Jugyeong's boyfriend," Seojun affirmed as he walked up to you which you acknowledged with a hum and smiled at his photos with his sister and mother. The makeup artist was right when she said he was only tough on the outside.
"You knew Seyeon?" you whispered as your gaze shifted of a picture of three boys smiling widely into the camera. The middle one was the talented boy you had known  from the news of his committed suicide. Such a tragedy.
"Uhum. We were best friends. Him, Suho and me," Seojun nodded and without having to ask, he told you how they had gotten to know each other, what were their favourite past time activities and how they fell apart when he died. You could see he was hurting even now as he was talking about it, so you grazed your fingers against his knuckles as though to say you were there for him to listen, or whatever he needed.
Talking about his best friends and how a group of guys including someone named Chorong stuck by his side over the years warmed your heart. It was nice to know that not everyone had it as lonely as you who basically missed out on high school and memories from that time to be able to turn your dreams into reality. Your only friends were also in the industry but it made things both easier and harder.
"What about you? What did you mean by this being your last chance?" Seojun asked like a loaded gun but after everything he had just told you, you knew you could trust him with this and being in the industry for a while now, he must have understood, too.
You told him about the rising expectations, about your image and your company's ultimatum. It actually felt nice to talk about with someone other than your manager. Especially since Seojun seemed to understand exactly why you felt conflicted over the matter. You have given your youth to this dream of yours, so giving up on it would have felt like betraying yourself and everyone who believed in you but you weren't sure you could give it another 10 years of your life no matter how much you liked music. You had decent CSATs result, maybe you could have applied for a university program. Seojun even offered to arrange a meeting between you and Suho who was studying to become a proper songwriter.
You talked for hours and ate the tteokbokki even though it had gotten cold long ago and you couldn't remember when was the last time you had felt so light. You felt giddy even with just the tiny bit of alcohol in your system by the time you knew it was time for you to go.
Once you had felt relieved knowing that promoting your duet would be only one performance but recently, you started dreading the moment because that meant that you wouldn't have any more excuse to see Seojun. In the backstage, this time around you greeted Jugyeong like an old friend and teased to give Seojun a funny makeup before walking up to your  own assigned staff members. Your look was full of sparkles and glow fitting the silver colour of your dress, completing the ethereal vibe off the stage you were going to do and the beautiful song you had grown to love so much you held it close to your heart. The last rehearsals went smoothly and if you noticed Seojun's gaze lingering a bit too long, you didn't comment on it.
"Are you nervous?" he asked before the final recording and you knew it would have been unreasonable to deny it, so you replied with a small smile.
"A bit."
"Don't be. You're pretty and you'll do amazing," he reassured you and the way he said those words oh so easy. As if they were natural. As if he believed in you and maybe this was all the reassurance you needed because when you walked up onto the stage, not taking your eyes off his, it felt like it was just the two of you there. All the stress about not being good enough, about being judged for who you were and what you wanted to do with your life was subsided as you focused on the moment, just to sing this one song with one while trying to fight your heart's crazy beating.
You didn't really have the luxury to have crushes. You had always been concentrated on your work, you couldn't let yourself have distractions, especially since love scandals always affected girl worse than guy. At least that was what you told yourself for always putting up a wall around you and guarding your heart all too well. But during the past few weeks, between playful or flirty remarks, between smiles and ruffling hair, Seojun took apart your wall brick by brick even if he wasn't aware.
So it might have been only a few days since you had last seen him but in that rare moment of boredom, alone in your room, you realized that you missed him. Hell, you liked him and the feeling made me want to scream into your pillow as if you were a silly teenager. As if on cue, your phone buzzed with a new message and seeing the KakaoTalk ID made you shy.
duet partner, han seo jun
so...
i've been thinking
you
sounds dangerous but ok
duet partner, han seo jun
don't get sassy with me, miss
you
what have you been thinking about?
duet partner, han seo jun
that i don't want to miss my chance
there's this girl i like
i thought of asking her out
do you think she would say yes?
you
oh. well... why wouldn't she?
i mean, you are talented, handsome, funny and reliable
duet partner, han seo jun
and what about my job? it's busy and a bit crazy
don't you think it would be unfair of me to ask?
you
I think you should let her decide that
duet partner, han seo jun
okay
are you free on friday?
you
um, sure?
duet partner, han seo jun
cool, then go on a date with me?
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chocominnie · 3 years
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One Last Time 02  —  Pjm. (M)
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⇢ pairing: Jimin X Reader
⇢ Genre: Idol!Jimin, Exbf!Jimin, model!reader, sad au, fluff, tons of smut, angst
⇢ Synopsis: Your idol ex boyfriend Jimin cheated on you. You two have been broken up for a while now and the media has been keeping track of you and him. You’re trying to get over him, but the things that happen inbetween makes you re-think the entire breakup, and so does Jimin…
⇢ Song : xxxxx
⇢ Previous : 00   01
⇢ Word Count : 
⇢ Warnings: dominant jimin, makeout sessions, this is honestly a sad angsty au, cheating, pregnancy, unprotected and protected sex, a bunch of sex, no really a LOT of sexual themes too, I know I’m forgetting some but sorry in advance!
⇢ Copyright: please do NOT repost, translate, or modify my works in any way, shape or form, on any platform. If found doing so , it is considered as plagiarism and appropriate LEGAL action will be taken
⇢ Authors note: This is my mini series for the summer! Get your tissues, things to take your anger out on, and sit back and watch the drama unfold. Shall we begin?
Your eyes shoot open, chest heaving heavily as you let out a blood curdling scream. Not this again. The same dream over and over again each night. It leaves you sleepless. The time on the clock on your nightstand reads 3:04 am. Just only four hours ago is when you fell asleep. But a full night’s sleep hasn’t happened for a year so why would it matter anyways.
Once you catch your breath you unplug your phone from the charger and read some of the notifications. From your window, the night-time critters sing their songs along with the persistant owl that’s somewhere around the apartment complex. You’d only noticed him, the owl, just a few months ago when your cat started meowing with his hoots. 
A missed call from your uncle. 
Immediately you unlock your phone and dial the number. Bringing your index finger to your mouth you gently nip on it waiting for it to answer, The rings are agonizing to you. If something has happened you only wish and pray it wasn’t as bad as you think. He’s the only parental figure left in your life.
‘‘ Princess! Hello I was just calling to speak to you earlier. But I realized you are five hours ahead of me and you had probably went to sleep.’‘
His soothing voice calms your emotions making you let out a tiny breath of air. Thank god.
‘’Hey Charlie.” You sigh. Looking towards your left, you spot Clara purring quietly next to you. You can’t help but to smile while bringing a hand over to rub her head with your thumb.  She’s so small under the shining moonlight from your window.
Her white coat shines brightly amongst her, making you remember the first night you had brought her home. All she did was sleep, and it worried you because you had no prior expierence caring for anything, let alone a small animal. Clara only drank kitten milk and slept back then. Occasionally being awake enough to nip at your fingers whenever you pet or touched her.
Now she’s a bit bigger and walks around the apartment like she owns the place. Quite the little attitude she has, but its too damn cute for you to scold her whenever she does something wrong. 
“ Yes I did fall asleep from after a gathering at someone’s house.’’ You continue on, bringing your knees to your chest after opening the curtain of your window fully.
The moons brightness illuminates the entire room, but not so bright for you to complain though. ‘’ Oh- was it Jimin’s? Tell him I said hell-’’
You bite your lip hard at his name. He doesn’t know and you wont even dare to let him know. Knowing him, your uncle would have a fit and oppose to come back to Seoul to ‘set the record straight.’ to Jimin. That’s the last thing you want to do, cause trouble.
‘‘ It was his brother’s house warming party.” You say, lowering your tone in your voice. You look at the nightstand for a couple of seconds just before opening the top drawer of the wooden, polished piece. Your hands shakily pull out a picture of you two together.
It was taken at  Marne-la-Vallée, France right infront of Cinderella’s castle. That was the day that you and Jimin had to went to Disneyland in Paris, France. You cant help but to think, with the picture in hand, that it was one of the best nights ever. It was also the same night your virginity was taken.
‘‘ Oh.. I know that tone. Are you two arguing at the moment.”
You shrug, “ I mean you could say that.’’
No you cant.
‘‘ Alright alright I won’t talk more of him. Let’s change the subject.” He chuckles deeply into the phone.
‘‘ How’s Europe? Anything new happening on base?”
‘‘ Same old Same old. It’s been what? 2 years since I’ve left Seoul? The food is different over here. They don’t have kimchi pancakes sadly.”
You can only imagine the frowny face he makes at you whenever he doesn’t approve or like something. It always turns out to be funny.
You giggle into the phone shaking your head slightly, “ Of course. You are in Europe Charlie. Where are you getting food from anyway if you are on base?’’
‘‘ I can go off base to a certain mileage when I am off duty. I just have to report back in time. But you do know that you can always come live on base with me...’ He trails off.
Oh boy. Here he goes. He’s always talking about moving you on base with him. Hell, he’s been talking about it since before he had to go to be based in Europe. By then you were twenty years old and old enough to live by yourself. Growing up in Daegu, Korea since you were six, you felt as if Korea was home to you and you definately weren’t ready to leave yet.
Especially, after losing your parents here. Around eight years old, your aunt and mother were on the way to pick up your father from the airport. With your mom and dad also being military and based in Korea with your dad’s bestfriend, your uncle Charlie, your father had been called to take military leave to go and be based in Korea for the National Guard.
On the way back from the airport, a drunk driver had struck the car knocking them off the road and colliding head first into the railing of the bridge. All bodies were reported dead upon collision, including your aunt. Charlie didn’t take the news well at all, and so did you. Only eight years old and still a bit new to a foreign country. It was devistating for you and Charlie. Charlie did what was right and stepped up to be your legal guardian while taking some time off from the military. Till this day, he treats you like his sacred little daughter and you can’t ask for anyone better than him.
 “You are old enough to live on your own and housing is avail-”
You jump at his voice on the line again, being too spaced out from the tragic memory. Before he can go on any longer you cut him off. ‘‘ Im fine with the apartment you left me. Im paying the bills on time and taking good care of it.”
‘‘ Alright fine. But that option is always available you hear me? I will always be ready for you to come with me.’’
‘‘ Okay Charlie” You groan.
‘‘ Alright.. sweetie it’s getting late on this side and it’s already 3 am on your side. Get some sleep okay? Don’t you have a model shoot thingy or something? You have those a lot.’‘
‘‘ Yes i actually do in a couple of hours. It’s been a while since I’ve did a shoot. Please eat and sleep well. Don’t injure yourself.’‘
‘‘ I promise. You promise to do the same right?’‘ He says, rustling movements are in the background.
‘‘ Yes I promise. Good night sleep tight..’‘ You smile as you wait for him to finish the rest.
He chuckles one last time on the other end, ‘‘I’ll always love you, goodnight‘’
Beep Beep Beep
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You in a racy light pink lingerie with white duvets and sheets is the concept of your comeback. It’s supposed to symbolize the “Night After’’. Camera’s click and directors yell and praise you in your subtle yet damaging moves and facial expressions. You want.. no need for this comeback to be successful. Not only did your manager schedule this, but she is making sure that they release this same very day.
Nobody in this company’s industry has ever did this before. But you, you are sort of the special one. The special foreigner as they say. It’s not like you don’t like it but you don’t like that they label you as that. Stylists, employee’s hell even anybody who works there treat you as a princess. It’s not bad, but it’s just weird.
‘‘ One last one. Give me a sexy yet innocent look mama.’‘ Elliot, the director says, smiling wide at you.
You slip a finger into your mouth and do a little pout with your lips.
Elliot busts out into a roar of happiness with his hands clapping furiously. ‘‘That’s it mama yes! That’s just what we needed!’‘
Adjusting his microphone earpiece, he turns around to greet and thank everyone, ‘‘ Alright everybody this concludes our shooting! You all worked so hard today. Make it home safe, eat well.’‘
Finally. You sigh out in relief and close your eyes. It’s been a long day. Almost 6 hours of shooting. Three Videos, and five swap outfits for each session of shooting for the ‘’ Night After’’.  As everyone heads out and starts cleaning up you bow your head slightly and thank them.
A stylist brings you a satin robe to cover yourself in. You thank her and put it on just before getting up from the bed and walking towards wardrobe. Once you are done putting on your clothes, your manager leads you straight out the exit. Outside awaits the car that drives you everywhere. Literally everywhere.
‘‘ Tomorrow somebody has put in a special request for you to appear as the main lead girl in their music video. It’s short notice and I told them I would have to bump some things around and notify you. But they are paying us and you good money to be in it.’‘
Money? Sounds like a plan.
‘‘ It’s fine. Who am I shooting for?’‘ You say, fluffing your hair just a little while inspecting yourself in the rear view mirror.
Your makeup is still intact with no ruins and the contacts they had given you suited you very well. A hazel with a slight bit of teal. Suddenly the car moves off into the busy streets of Seoul. You can’t help but to notice every couple that walks along the sidewalks. They seem so happy, glad to be around each other.
On the floor of the car lies your little mini backpack filled with all of your items and belongings. Picking it up, you begin to dig through it looking for some hand lotion to soothe your semi-dry hands. Once you find it you gently start to squeeze the tube.
‘‘ Kim Namjoon.’‘
You freeze. Namjoon? The same Namjoon from the group? Joonie? It’s been well… a year since you’ve seen him in person. Hell since you’ve seen all of Bangtan Sonyeondan together. Except for lastnight when Hoseok and.. that guy showed up.
You sigh already knowing the answer from the question you are about to ask.
‘‘ From…?’‘ You ask then put the lotion back in your bag. Slowly you rub your hands together to moisturize.
Your manager quickly flips through the daily planner, ‘‘ Bangtan Sonyeodan but this is for one of his mixtape songs.’‘
Thank goodness.
‘‘ That’s fine. What time will the car be arriving tomorrow?’‘
‘‘ 8 am on the dot. You need to be there by 8:30. I’ll be tending to one of my other models tomorrow so you will be alone. I can send som-’‘
‘‘ No no it’s truly okay. I know how to manage things myself. Besides, I learn from you.’‘ You reassure her with one of your winning smiles, laying your head on her shoulder.
‘‘ Aigoo what am I going to do with you?’‘
The day ends very well. The movies you’ve been watching have kept you occupied. But not occupied enough for you to keep crying at all the sad parts in the chick flicks. Breakups, someone had died, someone had even just spilled something onto the floor and that was enough to send you into tears.Only because when the main lead boy rushed to help clean it up, it reminded you of Jimin last-night helping Isabel.
‘’What is going on with myself.’’ You blow your nose into a tissue for what seemed like the thousandth time today. Clara lets out one of her meows beside you then goes back to grooming herself.
You place her onto your lap and begin to run your fingers through her fur over and over again. Such a soothing effect to you as you stare into space sulking in your thoughts.
Why is it that you weren’t enough for him? Why is it that every single little thing reminds you of him? You gave him your all and he gave you his but what happened? Where did you go wrong? Cooked, cleaned, satisfied his needs. You guys had even started to plan out what you wanted out of a family. When you wanted a baby and what you would name it. It was fun. The whole relationship was fun. Right until that scandal.
Ding.. Ding.. Ding.. DI-
You unlock your phone immediately to stop that annoying dinging noise. Not surprisingly it’s a text from Jeon Jungkook.
Kookie : Im coming over I’ll be there in exactly 3 minutes.
Kookie: Don’t think about leaving either.
Kookie: Im bringing someone with me.
Kookie: We need to have a serious talk babycheeks.
You roll your eyes at the nickname he’s given you. No matter how many times you tell him you want him to change it, he declines. There’s no point in asking anymore.
Why would he want to talk anyways and who is the person he’s bringing. Eh.. it might just be Ryan they seem to do everything together as a team.
As soon as you step foot out of your bed the sound the door clicking makes your head shoot up. How in the living hell does he know the password to your house? Rage takes over you. That’s something that you hate. When people invade your personal space. In this case, personal home.
‘‘ Jeon fucking Jungkook!’‘ You scream, abruptly stomping your feet all the way to and out your bedroom door. Suddenly you stop at the sight of the two faces staring back at you.
Jungkook’s expression holds a concerned yet upset face while the other just stands there calm and cool. But you on the other hand are way besides that level.
Your eyes must be filled with rage and the expression on your face is no good. How dare he disrespect you like that? Bringing him into your home, knowing the bad blood between you two. Oh, they both have something coming towards them. You begin to walk to them again making each step make the floor shake.
‘‘ Get out. Both of you. One you invade my personal private home..’‘
You grab both boys by their collars, making sure to grip the one on the right’s harder than usual. ‘‘ Two, you fucking invite him over here.’‘ You drag each of them towards the exit. Which is going good until Jungkook rips your hands away from his shirt and takes you over his shoulder.
You’ve had enough of him and his invasive ways. Pounding on his back with your fists, you make sure to scream into his ear. “ Put me the fuck down Jeon Jungko-”
You hiss at the stinging sensation on your ass. Did he just? Jimin stands there awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. You make sure to make eye contact with him and roll your eyes. Something that always had and will piss him off.
‘‘ Hush. I told you all of us needed to have a deep talk about you.’‘
Jungkook plops your frail body onto one side of the couch in which he sits next to you. He motions for Jimin to come sit across from the both of you but you aren’t having it.
‘‘ Don’t you do it.” You glare at him. Jungkook sighs harshly only to pluck your forehead two times. You whine and rub it with your index and middle finger.
Jungkook shakes his head in disapproval, ‘‘ When are you ever going to learn? Jimin sit down now.”
‘‘ Truthfully.. I feel as though I shouldn’t be here so-”
“ Good. Get out you are unwanted.” You snap back causing him to give you one of his long stares with no facial expression at all.
Jungkook glares at you just before getting up to throw his hands in the air full of disappointment. “ Enough! “
Yelling. Something else you don’t like to hear being done at yourself. You finally sit still and quite avoiding any eye contact with the both of them.
He sits back down and clears his throat. Jungkook gives Jimin a look before continuing on.
‘‘ I gathered us here to talk about you..”
‘‘ Why. Im fine. How many times do I have to say it. Im fine im fine im fine im fucking fine!’‘ You exclaim, getting more mad by the second. When will people accept this?
‘‘ Baby.. ’‘
Your eyes shoot up to him and his soft voice. You didn’t want to but you did because his voice to you is like candy that melts into your mouth.
‘‘ Don’t call me that. You have a girlfriend at-least be loyal to her rather than what you did to me.’‘
‘‘ Fuck is anybody going to just sit here and listen? Can we at-least get to the source of the problem? Huh?’‘ Jungkook leans back into the couch clearly pissed by your attitude.
Jimin’s the first to speak and holds a firm eye contact with you, almost daring you to break away from it.
‘‘ Fine. Im just going to cut straight to it then. Why are you so jealous? You aren’t okay at all. I seen the way you looked at us yesterday. You wanted to break down so bad but you didn’t. It looks like you’ve been dropping weight day by day why aren’t you eating well?’’
You’re taken a-back by his jealous comment. Although you are you just cannot admit it. You are jealous. You do want him back. You cant bear to see him with another girl but you. But the fact that Jimin is concerned makes you really hope. Just hope that there is something left of you still in his heart.
‘‘ Jealous? Jealous tuh.” You scoff, leaning into Jungkook’s arms where you rest his head on your chest. You only do this just to see Jimin’s reaction and by the look on his face he doesn’t enjoy that move one bit.
‘‘ Yes jealous. I mean why else would you put almond extra-
‘‘ Woah. No need to go there. We established that it was a so called accident lastnight.” Jungkook does finger quotes into the air and looks down at you.
You lift your head up and furrow your eyebrows in annoyance, “ So called? So you really believe that I did it on purpose. Wow Jungkook. Escort yourself out.’’
He sighs, wrapping his arms around you securly in hopes of you settling down a  little, “ Honestly it’s not like that. I wasn’t there to see you bake them nor was I watching her eat it. Im just saying that you knew Jimin was coming and obviously his girlfriend was going to come too. It’s a little sketchy is all.”
There’s no fixing what he said. Him adding onto his explanation just made things sound worse than what he’s trying to say. You don’t have time to be ganged up on, nor like it at all. It’s best if they both just leave, to not turn nothing into something.
‘‘ Get out. Now. Before I call and tell Ryan what you said and then she’ll definitely deal with you.’‘ You say, removing yourself from off of him and onto the other side of the couch with your legs crossed.
Mad isn’t even the word to describe yourself right now. You’re just a mixture of all emotions.
Jungkook now looks of sorriness written all over his face. You bite your lip and shake your head while pointing towards the door. He sighs heavily and takes one last look at you while removing himself from the couch. You watch him slip on his coat and shoes.
Jimin gets up from his spot on the couch, ‘‘ I’ll be leav-”
‘‘ Sit down we aren’t done talking.” 
He looks at you with his eyebrows furrowed, sitting back down slowly.
Jungkook keeps his head down as he wraps his blue scarf around his neck. Poor baby, but he shouldn’t of said it. “Please better yourself and talk it out with each-other. Im leaving.”
‘‘ Make it home safely.. Kookie.” You sigh once the door closes behind him. Now you’re here. Face to face with Park Jimin.
The same Jimin who cheated on you. The same Jimin you haven’t seen in a while. You take a few moments to take in his appearance. He seems to have re-gained his muscles that are peaking through his black, longsleeve shirt. His thighs are still thick, just like his luscious lips. Of course he changed his hair color to black. But who knows, he might change it again.
‘‘ You’ve been doing well?’‘ You say, voice low but enough for him to hear. You drop your eyes to your lap instead of keeping intact with his.
‘‘ Yes. But you have not. Im disappointed in you. Why are you doing this to yourself? Don’t do this because of me.”
‘‘ Jimin you don’t know the feeling. You don’t know how it feels to be left wondering why you weren’t good enough for someone. Why they had cheated on you. You don’t understand at all and wont ever.’‘ Your voice cracks on the last sentence and you an feel the lump in your throat become sore.
He bites his lip unsure of what to say next. Those words had hit him good inside. ‘‘ Im sorry. I truly am. But you know the reason why we had to end it. I fucked up bad and the media was making the scandal bigger and messier day by day. It was better to just call it off.’‘
One by one your tears start to drop. You nose begins it’s running trip but you sniffle it back up.
‘‘ You could of denied it. You know you could of made a statement and denied it. But you felt something for her didn’t you? Didn’t you?’‘ You semi-yell, sobs already starting to take it’s way over.
He bites his lip once again and ruffles his fingers through his hair, “ Baby..’’
You wipe your tears with your hands making your face even more puffy from the crying. “ I am jealous. I am I admit it Jimin. But do you know i have been suffering for one year and two months? I can’t sleep at night because im so used to your touch at night. I look at every couple in Seoul and think to myself, Dang they seem so happy. What’s their secret?’’
Jimin sits up, making eye contact with you with tears welling up into his eyes. It hurt’s you more than yourself to see him crying. It always has.
‘‘ Please don’t do that. Don’t do this to yourself. Please get help from someone to try and move on. Please. I don’t like to see or hear you make yourself suffer.’ He begs, getting up from his seat and coming towards you.
Jimin sits next to you, hesitantly opening his arms up to you. Would it be wrong to embrace him? He’s being too sincere, but thats what you want right? You decide to just do it, and lean into him only for him to pull you in closer into his chest.You just lay there crying and sobbing while he runs his fingers through your hair. You shouldn’t be doing this. He has a girlfriend. But it feels so right.
‘‘ What does she have that I don’t? Why couldn’t you love me the same way you love her “  You cry into his chest, soaking his shirt with your tears. 
You’d been waiting for this moment to just let it out. Let everything out.
‘’ Please don’t make this harder than what it is right now. Just try and forget me and move on. Please.” Hypocritcal. How does he expect you to get over him when he’s the one whos holding you so tight right now. Soon enough his sniffles join yours in harmony.
You raise your head up and look him deep into the eyes while you wipe away his tears, “ Don’t cry Jimin. I’m the one supposed to be crying over you. Don’t cry.’’
He takes your hand away from his face and wraps his fist ontop of yours, “Please promise me you will move on okay?’’
You shake your head no, “ I can’t make that promise.”
He doesn’t say anything. He gently cradles you in his arms and lifts you up. You don’t think to where he is going. You just close your eyes and grab onto his shirt firmly not wanting to let go.
Soon enough you feel the cold sheets over your bed. He covers you in the duvet and leans down to your forehead.  A kiss. Your fist is still locked onto his shirt in which he tries to pry it away but you don’t want to let him go. He sighs and raises his arms up as he takes off the shirt revealing an extra plain white wife beater under it. Taking your other hand, he wraps your hand into another fist onto the shirt to where both of your hands are holding onto it.
‘‘ Please better yourself for me baby. Sleep and eat well. “
Is all he says before turning off the lights and walking out your bedroom door.  You can hear him putting on and zipping up his heavy coat but you just don’t make a sound.
The apartment door clicks and beeps letting you know he’s already gone.
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kiribaku-queen · 3 years
Text
The Blood King and his Queen [7]
Pairing: Bakugou x reader
Romance, Angst, Drama
Word count: 2.4K
Summary:  From being a mere servant girl to marrying the scariest prince in existence, your world changed right before your eyes. Exchanging places with the princess, you knew, wasn’t going to be easy. But could you have found love on the way? Or was it never meant to be?
A/N: I hope you guys really enjoy this chapter because I think its my favorite chapter so far! FYI, if I don't update this series in a while, it'll be because I am working on an 18+ oneshot for a collab for Bakugou's birthday. So if that does happen, the regular uploads will happen after Bakugou's birthday. And let me tell you, its going to be S P I C Y~
But I can't express how surprised I am by all the love I'm receiving! I really wish I could respond to all your comments, but again, this is my side blog so I can't comment! If ya'll want to follow me on my main... please dont. LOL not to be mean or anything but I don't use my main at all and I don't post ever so there's no point in following me there :)
PLEASE ENJOY AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED TO THE TAG! JOIN THE FAMILY!
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Your heart physically dropped when he said that. You felt sick. Your palms were sweating and shaking. The air around you grew dense and you felt like you couldn’t breath. You couldn’t move for that matter.
Ruin?
What would he do to you if he found out that you weren’t really a princess? That you were a fake lying to him this whole time. It made you sick, just imaging every cruel thing he could do once he found out. But then you remembered, he wasn’t like all the rumors you heard. He was different. He was kind and understanding. He wouldn’t really ruin you if he found out, would he? You shook away the thought. The more you think about it, the more you were likely to get caught.
You were completely exhausted from all that labor you produced in a week’s time. Town after town, you were able to help his people even if it was just a little bit. But it sure depleted a lot of energy out of you. You don’t know if you’ve ever been this drained before in your entire life. It’s not like you had to do hard physical labor back at the palace. This experience was hard on you but also gave you insight on the prince and his kingdom.
Completely drained of your energy, you sat down on one of the tree trunks his soldiers brought for you at the camp not far away from the village you were at. The impoverished village didn’t have enough shelter as is, so you were left with no option but to set up your own shelter. It wasn’t a big deal to you anyway since that’s how you’ve been spending your nights so far.
All the soldiers had gathered around to take a breather for the night and drink away the stress. You weren’t a drinker, but enjoyed the atmosphere the soldiers created: fun and rowdy, like they didn’t give a care in the world. They were dancing on tables, clinking their drinks together, singing songs while hooking their arms around each other’s shoulders.
You laughed at the sight and stretched out your arms. How you wanted to continue the night away but your muscles were soar and aching. A physical exhaustion that you weren’t used to and didn’t want to get used to.
Bakugou was watching his crew from the door, arms crossed and enjoying his crew have fun. He was never the one to be center of attention, so he had his own fun from the back. He saw the way you extended your arms, faced wincing from how sore you were. Cute. It was your last night of volunteer work, why not end the night with something special?
You felt the Blood Prince’s breath sneak up behind your neck, sending chills down your spine.
“Tired?” he asks.
“Maybe just a little,” you admit. You look up at him and he’s giving you those soft yet piercing eyes. He goes to sit next to you and everything is just… peaceful. In that moment you felt content. You felt free. If this was how life was out of the palace, if this was more to life than just serving a spoiled princess, then you didn’t want to leave.
“I am impressed, princess,” Bakugou spoke. “This whole trip, you never, not once sat out. You helped the whole time. Are you sure you’re a princess?” he side eyed you.
“If I am not a princess, then what am I?” you asked back. (y/n), what are you doing? You could expose yourself and everything would be ruined! But for some reason, you wanted to be selfish. You wanted to know his reaction and how he would respond. Maybe you would give up your whole mission for him.
“An innocent and hardworking beauty that is not a princess. She is my future queen who will help me restore this kingdom.” He came closer to you, meaning every single word. Your eyes softened and you got emotional, almost to the point of tears. He’s smiling at you, but suddenly gets up. But gestures for you to take his hand. Of course you did.
“I want to show you something,” he says and leads you away from the crowd of people and into the woods.
You two were walking for a while, your hand in his the whole way. He hadn’t told you where he was leading you to but it had to be something special if he was dragging you to what seemed like all across the country to get to your destination.
“Your highness, are we almost there yet?” you asked, fatigue hitting you once again.
“Almost,” he responds, continuing to look ahead. You huffed and held on tight to his hand so you didn’t get lost or left behind. After a few more minutes of walking, you felt the air get hotter and thinner. Bakugou smiles in front of you, looking excited.
“We’re here,” he announces. He pulls back these huge leaves, revealing a natural hot spring. The water was clear enough that you could see right through it, steam rising from the water, and rocks surrounding it, creating this gorgeous, peaceful atmosphere. Your eyes lit up and a loud gasp escaped your lips.
“How did you find this place?” you asked, getting closer to the hot spring.
“You like it? None of my men know about this place,” he says.
“It’s beautiful!” you continue to gasp, feeling the water with your hands. The heat of the water made you giddy and you couldn’t wait to hop in.
“You deserve it,” Bakugou comes up to, whispering in your ear. His statement made you blush, but this time, you didn’t hide it. He smirks behind you and you heard something falling to the floor. You dare turn around to see Bakugou shirtless, discarding his clothes one by one. As if your face wasn’t hot enough, steam was coming out of your ears with embarrassment.
“What are you doing?” you freaked out, turning around immediately.
“Getting in,” he said in the most obvious tone of voice.
“Together?”
“You’ll be on one side and I’ll be on the other,” he points out a huge rock, separating the hot spring into two pools. That seems a little better, but the idea of soaking in a hot spring together with the prince was nerve wracking.
“Princess, you can enter first, if that makes you feel better,” he suggested. When you turn to look at him, he already had his back turn out of respect for you.
So you undress and enter the heated water, noticing that all your muscles relaxed and the aches started going away as soon as you hit the water. You lean the back of your head on the rock and allow yourself to fully relax and destress. You could hear water splashing from the other side of the rock, indicating that Bakugou had also entered the water. Humming in satisfaction. You grew deeper and deeper in the hot spring until your nose was sitting on top of the water.
“Princess, I realize that I don’t know your name,” Bakugou spoke. Your name? You stayed silent. Was it wise to use your own name or should you continue to play as the princess?
“(y/n).” you decided.
“(y/n),” Bakugou repeated, elongating your name as if he stopped saying it, it’d disappear from him forever. The way your name left his lips felt like butter to him. He couldn’t help himself from repeated your name over and over again in his mind. You giggled and looked over the rock, arms crossed and head resting over them.
“Your highness, allow me to scrub your back,” you offered. Bakugou waved his hand while shaking his head.
“Nonsense. You shall not attend to me. We’re here to relax,” he had to remind you. But you insisted.
“But I want to, Prince Bakugou,” you pouted, jutting out your bottom lip.
“The high and mighty princess wants to wash the blood Prince’s back?” he questions playfully. He glances back to see you resting on top of the rock, giving him your big doe eyes.
“If you insist,” he gave up. He turns his back again, making sure to give you the privacy you needed to be able to come over to his side. You make your way over to him, covering your breasts in case. When you got settled behind him, you started washing his back.
You expected Bakugou to have scars from his many battles he’s had, but you didn’t expect his back to be covered in decolored and deformed wounds. Unknowingly, your hands went up to caress each scar.
“Does that frighten you?” he asks.
“Not at all,” you tell him honestly. “I think it makes you very brave.”
A comfortable silence fell upon you. Only the sound of water running and insects in the background could be heard. That was until you felt poke your butt. The hairs on your body hiked and you screamed as loud as you could, rising from the water in panic.
“Princess!” Bakugou instinctively put protection mode on, shooting up from his place to see what the danger was. You immediately clung to him, Bakugou wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close. What Bakugou saw wasn’t an enemy but rather, a wild Japanese macaque monkey poking his head out of the water.
“Shoo!” Bakugou scared the monkey out of the water and back into the forest. Bakugou grunted and relaxed his shoulders. “Damn monkeys. I thought they only came out during the winter season. Are you okay, prin…cess,” he looked down at you only for you to look up at him with your exposed chest fully pressed against his chest. Now this could easily be the most embarrassing moment of your entire life. Your face heated up with embarrassment and you let out another scream, using all your force to slap him across the face. Bakugou wasn’t expecting such a reaction and it caught him off guard. You put for much force into the slap that Bakugou flew back and fell into the water. You ran out of the spring, covering up as fast as you could.
Bakugou had never been so flustered in his life. He was a blushing mess and now the image of your naked breasts on him could not escape his mind. He needed time to calm himself down and a certain friend from getting too excited.
When you both had returned back to the rest of the crew, everybody had been knocked out cold from the alcohol. Thank goodness, because they couldn’t see how awkward you two were at the moment. That night, you slept in the tent again while Bakugou camped outside.
But you couldn’t sleep. How could that situation happen to you, out of all people? You weren’t sure how much he saw of your naked body. Maybe he didn’t see anything at all. But you saw the expression on his face, he definitely saw something. You covered your chest and closed your eyes. To think that a man saw your body and it wasn’t even your wedding night.
You felt the wind enter your tent, the chill making you shiver. If it was cold inside the tent, it must be extra cold outside. Bakugou was sleeping outside. You bit your lip in confliction. You wanted him to be warm but that means you had to confront him. Ah, fuck it. You opened your tent and saw Bakugou resting on the grass with his cape wrapped around him. And it wasn’t doing a very good job because you could see him shivering. He couldn’t hide it no matter how hard he tried.
“Would you like to come inside?” you invite him in.
“It’s for you, princess,” he reminded you.
“I understand. But it’s too cold to be sleeping out here. Please. I insist,” you urged. He opens one eye and sighs.
“As you wish, princess,” Bakugou gave in. You scooted over to make room for the large man to sleep next to you. Bakugou made himself comfy but he was a tad too tall for the tent that he had to have his legs hanging out. The opening of the tent revealed the big, bright moon overhead.
“I’m sorry for hitting you,” you apologized. Bakugou just lets out a breath.
“It’s whatever. I didn’t see anything, by the way,” he reassures you. Embarrassed again, you unconsciously covered your chest.
“You sure?”
“Erased from my mind,” he says as he closes his eyes and moves his hands around his head, as if he was erasing his memory. You laugh at his antics, more comfortable with the mood that was created. Bakugou laughs with you and turns to you, meeting eyes. This is the nth time that his heart leapt when you stare at him with those innocent, childlike eyes. He clears his throat and all of a sudden, his ears got red.
“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” Bakugou professed. You blinked in confusion. You weren’t sure why he said that. Glancing up at the moon, you guess you could say that it was beautiful. It was a full moon, and shone brightly above your heads. You weren’t versed in the poetics so you couldn’t comprehend the message the Blood Prince was trying to get at you.
“The moon is especially beautiful tonight. But isn’t the moon beautiful every night?” you responded.
Bakugou looks are you in mortification. Fuck, did he just get rejected? His ears got hot and he covered his mouth with his hands.
“Yeah… yeah it is,” he agreed, embarrassed. He took a deep breath in and back out again to calm his beating heart. You look over at him to see him a little distressed. You softly smiled, another side you got to see of him. It was cute. You could feel your heartbeat starting to pick its pace up and that’s when you realized. Gathering up all the courage you could muster, you leaned over to kiss him on the cheek you slapped.
“Good night,” you quickly say, then turned over to face away from him. Bakugou stops everything in his tracks and is frozen. He couldn’t help but smile and fall asleep next to you.
The moment you made the decision to kiss him was when you knew that you wanted to be selfish. You wanted to become his queen and rule his kingdom together. You were going to forget your past life. You were going to forget this mission you were on. You were the princess now. That was his truth and you weren’t going to change it.
A/N: For those who don't know, the phrase "the moon is beautiful, isn't it" or 月が綺麗ですね is a more poetic way of saying "I love you" in olden Japanese. And then the response to that would be "I can die happy" or 死んでもいいわ. Just for reference.
As I said before, I absolutely love this chapter and I really really REALLY want to know your reactions and thoughts!
Spoiler: drama starts in the next chapter :)
If you'd like to be tagged, please let me know in the comments or DM me! and if you'd like to be tagged when my 18+ oneshot comes out, let me know too! I love you all!
Tagged: @superblyspeedydragon @melasnchz-things @animexholic @bkgwrites @sam-i-am-1025 @apexqueenie @katsukibabe @germfart3 @tspice283 @angie-1306 @bakugous-trauma @bakugousmrs @random-fandom-girl-24 @monetfatalia @triviajeongin @readingslumpfanfic @softredrobin @briefhoundpartynickel @bnhahegao
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imgucciking · 3 years
Text
Mmmh [KAI]
Listen as you read
Pairing: Idol!Boyfriend!Kai X Fan!Reader 
Genre: Smut, Smut, Smut. After care fluff. And some fluff at the start.
Words: 2k
Warning: Masturbation! Cursing! Marking! Eating out! Penetration! Size kink! Unprotected sex! [stay safe y'all] 
A/N: My first work on tumblr, I wanted to start of with Kai.
Kai was your boyfriend, and he had been for a total of 3 years last month. You had spent the time well at home, he had even cooked some dinner for the both of you! A surprise cake was baked by him as well, in the flavour of chocoltae, your favorite [ You didn't tell him how you found a few egg shells in it]
But right now though, the pair of you were separated. You lived near the outskirts of Seoul, while the headquarters of SM, as well as Kai's house was in the middle of the busy city. Kai was busy with the preparation of his new solo, whiich he hadn't even revealed the name for to you.
He said it was super secret and it would be ruined if he revealed. You of course had pouted, and even tried some aegyo, which you never did in order to get him to tell you what the song was called, atleast. Somehow though, he never told you. On the november 25, the teaser of mmmh had been revealed. 
You had watched the video, then went straight to your bed, your phone in hand, already dialling kai. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? WHY YOU GOTTA KILL ME?" He had laughed. He fucking laughed. That. Was. It
You were so excited for today! Mmmh was finally getting released and of course you were excited! You got your big computer ready, put it on full screen, 4k quality and the volume was full on. Your phone was right beside ou incase kai decided that he was going to kill you in this mv like the teaser. 
You used the phone a lot. You called him the moment the song started, and of course, he was there, like the sweet boyfriend he was to listen to you fangirl over him, and then gasp and pretend to die when he revealed his abs. He found it very endearing that you did all this. Then, once you were done watching the mv for about the 100th time, he asked ou to always call him like this cause he found it awesome.
You blushed before replying with an ok and then cutting the call. 
It had been a month since then. You were going through the many memories you and Kai had created right now, looking through the million selfies and photos on your phone, your background music being a 10 hour version of mmmh. Bless the soul which made such an awesome repeat.
"You make me feel so mmmh hmmm~" You mouthed the words. All of a sudden, the repeat got over. You pouted to yourself, your hands reaching over to your phone to see what was going on. But suddenly, the song played again, only this time his voice sounded deeper, sexier. Your thighs automatically came closer, his deep voice doing something to your inside. 
Tentatively, you let your hand travel lower down your body, underneath jong-in's hoodie which you had on. You let out a breathy gasp as your fingers came in contact with your heat. You allowed your hands to travel the rim, but not deep in. You wanted to tease yourself. 
And oh were you doing a good job at it. You lied your body more comfortably on the bed, then spread your legs wide, your/kai's hoodie pulled up until it was bunched up underneath your neck. Your nipples had formed hard pebbles due to the cold air in the room, and your left hand was currently playing around with your left breast, twisting it around, rubbing it, and playing with your tits. 
One hand still rested comfortably within the folds of your clit, gently flicking it and pinching at the sensitive nub. One important rule of kai's was that you never played with yourself, because he wanted to be the one to please you, but the thought was long gone from your head, and besides, it wasn't like kai was coming home today, was he?
Oh how wrong could you have been.
The door clicked open loudly, as Jong-In stepped into the house. "I'm home baby!" His words, however were left to drift into the silence, as you were far too lost in the pleasure your fingers were causing you. Granted, they weren't as large as Kai's, but it did the deed and that's all you wanted. 
You were edging closer and closer to your high. "O-Oh! Kai!~" You screeched, as you finally cummed all over your fingers, the white sticky substance coating your hand. Kai heard you. And judging by the way you sounded, he also knew what you were doing right now. 
His cock twitched in his pants, like waking up from a long nap. "God Y/N..." He groaned, before pulling his shoulder back off and placing it on the table. Unbuttoning the top 2 buttons of his top, he walked into your shared bedroom. God how you lay on the bed, his hoodie all bunched up on you, your fingers still buried deep within your cunt. The tent in his pants became painful to handle as he stalked closer to you.
Your eyes were shut from how you rode out your high, your breathing heavy as you rested. Jong In edged closer to your body, before he put his lips very close to your ears. "Didn't I teach you to not touch yourself?" Your eyes shot open as you looked up at his figure hovering over your tiny self. 
His lips were curved up in a smirk. "K-Kai I-" You were cut of by him placing his finger on your lips. "Hush...." He removed his finger once he was sure you would keep quiet, his fingers now wrapped around your airpods, as he plugged one of them off your ear. "What were you listening to, baby?"
He puts one into his ear, greeted by his voice singing out. "Ahh baby.... My song?" You nod furiously, not wanting to do anything that might displease him. He let out a groan seeing you so submissive. He pulled it out, then curled his fingers round your phone which lay forgotten beside you. 
He disconnected the earphones, allowing his voice to sing out loud. "I'm going to fuck you, with my voice in the background. Is that okay babygirl?" You nod once more. His fingers curl around your neck, a tight grip. "Use your voice~" You quickly let it out. "Yes, kai!"
"Ah ah!" He tutts, his grip around your neck tightening. "What is my name?" Your eyes widen before you remember. "Yes s-sir!" He nods, before smiling, his fingers unravelling from you neck, to your hair as he gently strokes it. "Such a good girl for me, aren't you?" His tugs at your hair, pulling you up into a sitting position. 
"Such a good, good girl.... But you've been bad now.... Should I punish you?" Your eyes widen. "No sir! I'm s-sorry!" He smirks, before pulling the hoodie of your body entirely. He inches close to you, and you think he is about to kiss you so you pucker your lips. "Ah ah! Only good girls get kisses!" You pout, and Jong in almost wants to kiss you now.
"I'm sorry!" You say again, as you try to pull him towards you. But he, is able to resist, and he buries his face deep into your neck, gently breathing in and out your scent, his breath hitting right on your sensitive area. He knew how crazy you get when he does that.
"Sir!" You moan, your voice sounding foreign to even yourself. Kai's teeth sink into your soft unmarked skin, as he paint art on you. He was the artist, and you were the canvas, nothing you could do would get you out of this. Once he was done with the hickeys covering your neck, he stood up and went to the chest of drawers were you stored your... toys..
Kai was a bit overexcited with the usage of toys and such, so the pair of you had bought an entire cupboard to keep in the stock of your sex toys. 
He selects a black blindfold, and fuzzy cuffs. Mmmh...Your favorite.
He ties the blindfold around your eyes, and seats you up on the bed, with your hands cuffed tightly. Not too tight enough for it to hurt, but tight enough to not allow you to escape its grasp. You struggle a bit, adjusting your body, till you feel a flat muscle lick against your cunt. 
Your body goes rigid and you stop moving around. He smirks against you, and he knows you can feel him right there. He lets out a soft groan, when you start grinding yourself onto his face, but his hands go to your thighs and he quickly stops you by holding your thighs. 
You whine and whimper at the sudden hold, but he teases you by letting his tongue wander all over your heat, but not where you want it this most. "Kai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Please!" He suddenly stops. "Ah, ah... What's my name?" "Sir!!!!!"
"Good girl, I'll award you, shall I?"
He starts lapping at your juices, sucking, pinching, and stroking at your cunt. Your eyes had rolled back so far into your sockets, that you thought it might get stuck right there. His tongue was much better at pleasing you than your fingers, and the tightening in your stomach only increased. 
"Jong In!! I'm gonna c-" His warmth suddenly leave you. You look up at him, to see him smirking at you. You whine at not being able to release. "I think you've been stretched quite enough, right Jagi?" He unlocks the handcuffs, before tying it again onto you, except this time its not against the bed.
He undresses himself quickly, and as soon as he gets his underwear off, his large member flips against his lower abdomen. Your eyes feast on his naked body, all the ripped muscles on it. You want to trace your fingers over him, but your hands are unfortunately locked. 
You groan at this fact. His hands curl around his member as he strokes it, coating it with his pre cum. Once its enough, he bends over and produres his head into your heat. You groan at the feeling, clenching him and trying to pull him. "So thirsty for my dick, babygirl? Well then, I'll give you what you want!" 
He suddenly pounds into you, thrusting hard and not even allowing you to adjust to his length and girth. "God!" You screech, the pain and pleasure mixing together to cause something totally new. Your hands tug of your blindfold, wanting to see Kai fuck you deep. 
He lifts your left leg up, and places is onto his shoulders, reaching to places within you that had never been touched. "Feel me there? Right in that pretty little stomach of yours baby?" "Oh god yes! You scream, and you know your neighbours will be able to hear you quite well. 
But Kai liked that. He liked to show them all who you belonged to.
He grunts as you clench tightly around him, nearly not allowing to thrust. You were close and he got that. He pound into you even harsher, like an animal unleashed and allowed to do whatever it wanted with your body. He reaches over to your hair, and tugs you up. 
You comply, placing your head on his chest as he continues his work. These move was all you needed for you to come, and you let your cum flow, your eyes rolling to the back of your socket and all you can see for awhile is white. 
He continues pounding into you, chasing his own high. You, being hypersensitive clench tightly around him. This pulled him over the edge, and he cummed into you, releasing his load well. 
He lied next to you, both of you panting and sweaty. His cum flows a bit out of you, wetting the bed below. "That was-" Kai smiles at you. "I love you, Jagi" 
You grin, feeling a bit sleepy. "I love you too baby" 
149 notes · View notes
quillsandtypos · 3 years
Text
Ours Stars Collided- Part 2
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Summary: As our reader, a musically gifted high school junior, navigates life she realizes not everything goes as planned. She didn't plan on getting close with Julie's band. But not any band, her band is made up of ghosts. But is the afterlife enough to keep her feelings in check towards the main guitarist?
Words: 3.8k
Pairing: luke patterson x reader
Warnings: none
...........................................
“Hey, you ready?” you asked.
“Yeah, just let me grab my stuff,” Julie answered.
She pulled the emoji covered backpack out of her locker and shut it.
“Alright, you ready?” she questioned, as she let you lead the way.
“Yes, and no,” you said, with a nervous smile.
She placed her hand on your shoulder. “You got this, besides, you’re in good hands with Luke,” she reassured you.
“No doubt about that, it’s just a matter of whether I’ll embarrass myself or not.”
She smiled genuinely at you. “You got this, trust me.”
You held the door open for her.
“That car is yours, right?” She pointed across the parking lot.
“Yep, that’s the one.”
You unlocked it and threw your bag in the back, before getting into the drivers side.
“Alright, whatcha wanna listen to?”
Julie paused in thought before hesitantly asking, “You know who Lizzo is right?”
“Oh my god yes! You listen to her too?” you excitedly asked.
“Yes! How could you not listen to Lizzo!”
“Lizzo it is then!”
The first song was Soulmate, followed by Tempo which the two of you practically yelled, and the third song was Like a Girl. When Truth Hurts came on you both gasped and made eye contact through wide eyes.
Soon enough your sound system was blaring through the car and the two of you were belting the lyrics.
“Help you witchya career just a little,” you sang. Then you pointed to Julie to take the next part.
“You supposed to hold me down but you holding me back and that’s the sound of me not calling you back!” Julie was somewhere in between belting and yelling and still managing to sound good.
Then the both of you took the chorus. “Why men great till they gotta be great, don’t text me tell it straight to my face!
You were both animatedly pumping your fists with bright smiles as you finally rolled into her driveway.
Julie opened the studio doors to the boys all sitting there, ready to go. “Well you guys certainly look like you were having fun,” Reggie commented, smiling.
“We did,” you agreed.
“But now it means that break time is over for you guys,” Julie teased them.
Alex had already poofed over to the drums before she said anything.
“Yes ma’am!” Reggie said, getting off the couch.
Luke had a playful smile on his face. “We were the ones working on a new song, so I think that means the break is up for you,” he teased.
You couldn’t help but notice their closeness in that moment, you tried not to; but a small part of you couldn’t help but wish that was you.
Julie just rolled her eyes at him and walked to her piano to put her bag down. And just like that the moment was over.
After you and Julie had settled in and warmed up your voices and practiced a bit with your instruments, you figured you should probably figure out what you were doing.
“So do you guys want me to sing, or play, or listen?” you asked.
They all looked over at you, but Luke was the first to speak. “I can show y/n a couple of the songs with her while you guys run through Bright. Then we can see how she fits into that?” Luke brainstormed.
He held eye contact with you for a few moments before shifting to his other bandmates to gage their reactions.
“Sure! Sounds good to me,” Alex offered.
“Yeah you guys can go sit up in the loft if you want, just so you won’t be distracted by us,” Julie suggested.
“Yeah, sure, come on newbie, let’s see what you got, shall we?” He gestured to the stairs, and allowed you to go first.
“Don’t you already know what I’ve got since you technically already heard me play?” you said, as you ascended the stairs with your guitar.
“Yeah, but that one doesn’t technically count since it wasn’t in here,” he argued.
You paused and turned around, as you desperately tried to fight the smile forming on your lips. “Well technically you shouldn’t break into someone’s room and watch them play without knowing, so,” you trailed off.
“And to think I wanted you to be in the band,” he tutted, with no malice in his voice.
You couldn’t hide the grin on your face now, so you instead choose to plop down on the floor and start on your guitar.
“Alright I’m gonna show you the first couple chords that I have for Bright,” he explained as his fingers effortly slid across his guitar. You watched as he repeated it a couple times before joining him.
He looked up at you as he continued to play. “You’re a fast learner,” he commented.
“Eh, I’m just a visual learner.”
“That must help, I mean with the music school that you and Julie go to. It must be easier to learn things,” he guessed. He continued watching you play.
“Well I mean yes, I go to the same school as Julie but I’m not in the music program,” you admitted.
Luke abruptly stopped playing. “What?”
“Yeah, I wasn’t able to get in.” You were getting somewhat embarrassed.
“Seriously?” he asked in disbelief.
“Seriously,” you confirmed.
“How could they not let you in? I mean you obviously belong there,” he insisted. He sounded slightly upset about the situation.
“There are plenty of people in that school that are much better than me Luke, trust me,” you reassured him.
He leaned forward slightly which forced you to make eye contact with him. He looked quite somber but his eyes seemed to reflect a sort of light; it was as if he was looking through your soul with how intense his gaze was. “I doubt that,” he said.
You nervously swallowed and hoped he didn’t notice. “Thank you,” you uttered quietly, though it did not obstruct the feeling in your voice.
“You’re welcome.” His gaze tore away from yours. You were half relieved and half disappointed.
“So you ready to learn the rest of the song?” He said, breaking the rest of the momentary silence in the loft.
“Whenever you are.”
“Is she show ready?” Julie asked as you walked back down the steps twenty minutes later.
“I think she can manage,” you responded. You sounded more confident than you felt.
“Alright, let’s start Bright from the top. Y/n I want you to sing the chorus, pre-chorus, the second verse and then out to the end of the song, except for the bridge. Luke I’m gonna have you not sing, just for this one. And I will sing the intro, chorus, pre-chorus, the bridge, and verse one. Y/n just sing on this one, we’re not gonna add your guitar yet,” she explained.
You were glad she had a plan, so you at least knew what you were doing. You attempted to shake out your nerves a little bit and Julie gave you a thumbs up from her piano.
She started her intro and of course she sounded amazing. Luckily, you had listened to their song before so you knew when you needed to come in.
“Life is a risk but I will take it
Close my eyes and jump, together I think that we can make it
Come on let’s run”
The guys joined in with their instruments as the two of you reached the chorus. You started to relax through the chorus until you remembered that you would be singing on your own in a couple seconds. Pulling up your previous lesson from Luke in your mind, you tried to remember how high he had you sing it, it wasn’t quite Julie’s level but it was definitely higher than his. You once again made eye contact with Luke who mouthed ‘you got this’ with a determined look on his face. You heard the drums starting to quiet slightly and you knew you were up.
“In times that I doubted myself
I felt like I needed some help
Stuck in my head with nothing left
I feel something around me now
So unclear, lifting me out
I found the ground I’m marching on”
You were once again back with Julie’s voice as she came to stand beside you. You turned to face one another and sang with a harmony you were quite certain you hadn’t heard before. She was practically glowing with happiness and you couldn’t help but reflect that same joy on your own face.
As her individual part finished up again the two of you sung the final parts of the song as you went low on the last bright as she sung her iconic high note. The music faded and you couldn’t help but cheer a little bit.
Julie pulled you into a tight hug. “See I told you you’d be amazing!”
You returned the hug. “Thank you, but you should seriously hear yourself. You are so talented.”
“She’s right y/n you sounded really good,” commented Alex from the back; Reggie nodded in agreement.
“Thanks Alex,” you replied. A small smile was on your face and a certain amount of heat was creeping up to your cheeks from the levels of attention on you.
Luckily, Julie quickly took it off of you. This time she was going to have you play a version of Luke’s part on the guitar but complimented it as he sang; which you were grateful for because it meant you could take a background seat for a minute.
Julie started up on her piano again. This time you were waiting for the chorus to start, and as it did you almost forgot what you were doing when Luke started singing. Sure you had heard him sing this song in full once before. But damn could that boy sing.
It wasn’t until the chorus hit that things started to go wrong for you. You once again couldn’t help but notice their closeness, or the way they looked at each other. You continued on playing but you would be lying if you said it was with the same energy you had minutes ago.
The final chorus hit and your face had fallen all the way from buzzing with joy to mopey. You noticed Reggie creeping up from your right and your spirits were slightly raised as you watched him awkwardly wink at you and walk over to finish the rest of the song with you. For a second he made you forget all about your moment of sadness. As you finished up the last of the chords with each other you ended up back to back towards the end of it, for dramatic effect. Alex laughed as the song ended and he noticed the stance you and Reggie had chosen.
“What?” Reggie grinned.
“That was awesome!” you yelled, high fiving him
“Yeah it was!” he said, mirroring your enthusiasm.
“Ya know I think she’ll fit in quite nicely,” Luke observed. You could’ve sworn you saw him smirk and his eyes move slightly, but it was only for a moment.
Julie smiled in a slightly mischievous way. “I think she will too,” Julie agreed, as if you weren’t in the room listening to their conversation.
“You guys know I’m right here right?” you quipped from the other side of the room.
“Yeah I know, but I have a LOT of homework so we gotta wrap this up.”
“I can do that!” You raced over to the couch to get your stuff.
“Gentleman and Julie, it was lovely playing with you and I will see you all tomorrow,” you said as you waved goodbye. They all waved back as you pulled out of her driveway.
It turned out that heavy homework wednesdays were becoming a thing for Julie because in the following week she was told she wasn’t allowed to have band practice until her homework was done. She said something about her dad not being too happy about her staying up till twelve doing it. Though Julie didn’t sound so happy about it either, for obvious reasons; but she did of course want to have band practice, so she promised all of you she would be done as quick as possible. But she still needed a ride home, and Flynn’s house was on the way to your house, so you offered to drive her too.
Flynn called shotgun which Julie groaned about, but she took the back. You turned on Lizzo before putting the park in reverse to get out of the parking lot and driving off.
“So how is your new spot in the phantoms going?” Flynn asked.
“I would say pretty good, but I’ll let Julie answer that one.”
“She’s doing really well, her and Luke have really figured out how to compliment one another on the guitars, and she gets along great with all of them,” Julie responded.
“Well I think they might, maybe, just maybe, be keeping you,” Flynn told you, sarcastically.
“Thank god they are, I don’t know what I would’ve done if they hadn’t," you worried aloud.
“Probably would’ve still thought you were insane,” Flynn suggested with a shrug.
“Harsh! But, yeah, probably,” you admitted, laughing a little bit, and the other two joined you.
“At least now I can get people off my back about me and Luke,” Julie spoke. Flynn pointed at her in acknowledgement.
Now that peaked your interest. “What?” you asked, trying to sound nonchalant about it.
Julie casually waved you off. “Oh just people thinking Luke and I are together.”
You thought you were going to jump up and down from excitement, “Wait, you guys aren’t together?” You hoped you didn’t sound as excited as you felt.
Julie had a borderline concerned look on her face. “Ohhhhh definitely not, we are just friends, and neither of us want to be anything more. I mean don’t get me wrong, I see the appeal, but he’s not my type,” she explained.
“Yeah cause her type is Nick,” Flynn sang, snapping her fingers.
Suddenly a lightbulb clicked. “Was that the guy you were talking to by your locker the day Luke saw me?”
Julie facepalmed in embarrassment. “Yes.”
“See she’s not even denying it,” Flynn pointed out.
“That’s true,” you agreed, looking through your rear mirror at your bandmate.
Flynn's face suddenly turned from mischievous evil to somehow even more evil. “Though I mean we could instead talk about how you obviously think Luke is cute.”
Now that took you by surprise. “I do not!” you insisted.
Flynn’s eyes got slightly larger with her raised eyebrows and she pursed her lips. “Okay so we’re lying now?” she teased.
Julie laughed before slamming her hand over her mouth. “Flynn stop, if she says she doesn’t like him then she doesn’t.”
“Thank you Julie.” You specifically enunciated Julie and Flynn stuck her tongue out at you. And just as she did you turned onto Julie’s road.
You waved goodbye to Julie, wishing her luck with her homework. And then went to drop Flynn off before arriving home yourself.
You rummaged through the fridge to find something and you managed to settle on an orange before also finding hummus and pretzels.
You sat down in your empty kitchen and took a bite of a hummus covered pretzel, and realize you forgot to get water. You turned around to come face to face with Luke…. again.
“HOLY SHIT!” you yelled. It wasn’t your first time but it didn’t mean it wasn’t just as scary.
“Sorry didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, not looking very sorry at all.
“You have got to stop doing that.” You walked past him and by that you mean you accidentally walked through him. You turned back to him for a moment to see if he was okay but he seemed to be looking at you curiously so you assumed he was fine.
“No promises, remember? It’s kinda a ghost thing,” he reminded you as he followed you around your kitchen.
“Okay well what do you and your ghost thing want?” you asked, immediately regretting your choice of words. You could practically feel his smirk from behind you.
“Did you just-” he started but you cut him off.
“Nope, no, no I didn’t. What do you want Luke?” You were trying to pivot and luckily, he took the bait.
“Well, can you come to the studio?” he asked.
“Yes, I was already going to be coming there later.” You were getting slightly confused.
“No, I mean like now,” Luke explained.
“Why?” you asked, finally sitting back down with your water.
“We’re bored,” he confessed, slouching on your table.
“You came here to tell me you’re bored?” you giggled.
“Well I guess technically, yes, so can you come?” he impatiently asked. He just looked restless. Though you supposed being in a garage for a large majority of your day and only having two other people to talk to would do that to a person, or ghost in this case. But unfortunately, you still couldn’t come.
“Sorry Luke, I already told my parents I would be leaving later tonight, and I don’t wanna have to switch plans on them,” you apologized.
“Oh come on, your parents aren’t even home,” he pointed out.
“I’m well aware, but I try to keep my promises to them,” you defended. Though he looked so goddamn cute at the moment you could feel your will power breaking.
“It’ll be fun!” he promised. He must’ve known that his smile could get to you because when you looked at him you swore it had grown three sizes.
“Tempting, but I’m gonna have to pass.”
“Please?” he asked. You looked him in the eyes, which was a big mistake because he was giving you a puppy face. I mean it’s not like you already thought he was cute, but this? This was on a whole nother level. His lips were in a slight pout as his head was tilted doward just a smidge, and his blue eyes mocked sadness, in a way that was just unbearable.
“Okay, okay, fine,” you agreed, you tried to sound annoyed but it didn’t work in the slightest.
“Yes!” he shouted.
“Just let me grab my keys, wait, can you even go in a car?” Could he even get in the car? Could he get in the car, and then his physical state or lack thereof, could suddenly go away and he wouldn’t be sitting in the car anymore? But Luke’s voice interrupted your hypotheticals.
“How about I just meet you there?” Luke suggested.
“Good idea,” you agreed.
Ten minutes later you had pulled up to Julie’s house and entered the studio. “Oh hey Reggie,” you greeted, taking a seat on the couch.
“Oh hi y/n! Are you here to practice with us, or? Not that I mind you being here,” he quickly stammered out.
“It’s fine, you’re okay Reggie, I know I’m not usually here unless it’s for practice. But yeah, I’m just here to hang out.”
“Oh, cool!”
“So where’s everybody else?” you asked.
“Well I think Alex is with Willie and I’m actually not sure where Luke is,” he answered.
“I wonder wh-” you started, but you had a feeling that someone had landed beside you.
Which, of course Luke had, and practically right on time too.
“Sorry, I was just checking on Julie and seeing how much homework she has,” Luke explained.
“How’s it looking?” you asked.
“Not so great, she still has a lot left to go,” Luke admitted.
You shrugged. “Well I’ve got nowhere to be.”
And for the next two hours or so the three of you sat there and talked about all sorts of things, from mundane things, to really deep things, to things they missed the most about being alive. Which mostly consisted of food, not that you blamed them.
Soon enough Luke went to go check up on Julie again.
“Are you cold?” Reggie asked you.
“No,” you lied.
“Dude, I can see you, you’re literally shivering.”
“Yeah, I forgot to grab a jacket before I left my house,” you admitted.
“Here-” he threw a jacket at you, “wear this one, it’s nice and warm.”
“Reggie you really don’t have to-” you started, but he insisted; and you were pretty cold so you gave in.
In a couple of minutes Luke returned to the same spot.
“How’s it looking now?” you asked.
“I don’t think she’s gonna,” Luke suddenly stopped mid sentence to glance over at you, “nice jacket y/n.” For whatever reason, he had a very interesting look on his face, to say the least.
“Thanks, Reggie lent it to me.”
“Oh is that so?” he asked, now turning to look at Reggie, who looked slightly frightened.
“Um, yes?” you said, though it was more of a question.
Luke turned to you, “Y/n?”
“Yeah?” you responded.
“You know that’s my jacket right?” he asked.
Now you also turned to stare down Reggie, “What was your intent with this-”
“Wait what’s his full first name?” you asked Luke in a whisper.
“Reginald,” he whispered back.
“What was your intent with this Reginald?” you asked.
“I have no idea what you guys are talking about,” Reggie said, looking up at the ceiling.
Luke took one step towards him and Reggie yelped before poofing out.
“Why does he keep offering up your stuff?” you laughed.
He scoffed, “I wish I knew.” It seemed like he did know but you weren’t going to press him on it.
“Oh, here, you can have your jacket back now.” You awkwardly handed it over to him.
“Oh, thanks. You did look good in it though, by the way,” he casually mentioned.
You were pretty sure your brain just shut down for a couple seconds. “What?” you asked, you were still working to catch up with what just happened.
“I said, you looked good in it,” he repeated, as his voice was becoming soft and slightly deeper.
“Thanks,” you managed to mumble out. But meanwhile you thought your face was on fire.
“Oh also you might wanna head home, Julie said she’s not gonna be able to practice tonight,” he mentioned.
“I probably should, but hey, I’ll see you tomorrow!” you yelled as you left the studio.
“See ya!” he yelled and waved.
By the time you got home there was a note on the kitchen table, ‘Don’t worry I cleared it with Luke this time -signed Reggie’ and next to the note sat the jacket. You laughed quietly to yourself before taking the note and the jacket upstairs with you.
88 notes · View notes
365days365movies · 3 years
Text
April 8, 2021: Swiss Army Man (2016) (Recap: Part One)
Don’t think about the Boy who Lived.
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Daniel Radcliffe is a talented actor with a wider range than he’s given credit for. He’s been working since childhood, and has picked up quite a lot over time. While most famous for...a certain role that will go unnamed...he famously started his stage career in 2007 with the musical Equus, and that later progressed to How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, and Endgame.
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Meanwhile, he also made appearances of television in varied roles, live-action and animated. He started his career in an adaptation of David Copperfield in 1999, voiced a character on The Simpsons three separate times, hosted Saturday Night Live in 2012, and also currently has an excellent role in the anthology series Miracle Workers.
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And MEANWHILE, he also had quite the robust film career, especially after...the role which shall not be named. There were a few films made during that time period, like December Boys and The Woman in Black, but most of his time was understandably taken up, as was his public image. That, of course, ends in 2011. The first time I saw him in a role outside he who shall not be named was in the film Kill Your Darlings, about the collegiate career and romance in the life of famous gay poet Allen Ginsburg. It was very good!
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The same year, 2013, he starred in Horns, a unique fantasy film that I considered watching for Fantasy March. His film career would be full of ups (The F Word, Trainwreck, Lost in London) and downs (Victor Frankenstein, Now You See Me 2, Playmobil: the Movie oh God REALLY JESUS). And right in the middle of those came one of his most famous weird roles. And that’s today’s focus. And I’ve been wanting to watch it for YEARS. And while we’re talking about him, let’s talk about this film’s other star: Paul Dano.
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Dano’s career also began young, and in the opposite way to Radcliffe’s: in theatre first. After a stint on Broadway at the age of 12 (GODDAMN) in Inherit the Wind, as well as several other productions, he transitioned to film in 2000, around the same time that Radcliffe started as well. Eventually, he gained acclaim with his role in Little Miss Sunshine, and then...anybody else in the mood for a milkshake right about now?
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Yeah, I haven’t seen that movie, but I really should this year. Consider it on my list...at some point. I’ll figure it out. Anyway, Dano’s role in There Will Be Blood only increased his acclaim, and found him acting in a number of indie films. Dano’s definitely not a blockbuster guy, but that’s not to say that he completely avoids them either. He’s been in Knight and Day, Cowboys and Aliens, and Looper, which all fall under that category. And except for the last one...they aren’t especially good, either. 
But again, he was also in 12 Years a Slave, Okja, Wildlife, Where the Wild Things Are, and Meek’s Cutoff, and all of those were critically acclaimed, and some almost reached blockbuster status themselves. So I don’t really know how to feel about his upcoming role as...the Riddler.
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Yeah, we’ll see, but I’m holding my breath. Dano’s great, and I love the Riddler, but...I dunno. Like I said, we’ll see. But in the meantime, that’s enough navel-gazing. Let’s watch Swiss Army Man! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
Recap (1/2)
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We begin at sea. If you have thalassophobia, this is already terrifying for you. After seeing many plastics floating on the ocean, covered in written messages, we make our way to a deserted island, where Hank Thompson (Paul Dano) is committing suicide after being stranded there for so long.
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However, as he does, he spies someone lying on the beach. The rope snaps, and Hank runs over to greet the body, hoping that he isn’t dead. Unfortunately, after a very loud burst of flatulence, it’s pretty damn clear that this is a dead body. And yes, this is Daniel Radcliffe, but I’ll introduce him formerly when the time comes.
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Hank’s sad that the guy isn’t alive, but still speaks to him about his hopes and dreams in the past. He’d always wanted a life of parties and friends and love, and imagined that he’d see that kind of life in a flash before he died. Instead, he only saw the body, who responds with yet another fart. But with that, Hank goes back to trying to hang himself. 
And as he does...the body keeps interrupting with its INSANE gas. Like, it’s so bad that the body keeps shaking as if it were alive. The body washes into the sea, and its flatulence begins to propel it away from the shore. Hank sees this, and he uses the humming he was doing to make the Intro Song, which is strangely mesmerizing? Like, literally soundtrack-worthy, I’m not kidding. He also grabs a piece of his noose, uses it to grab onto the body, and rides it as the farts propel them both far away from the beach. It’s absolutely absurd...and kind of great. And then the titles play.
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Hank wakes up on the short of a different island, or possible a larger land mass, and is overjoyed by the change in scenery. He shouts his name to the world, and credits the body with his rescue. No longer stranded in the Pacific, as far as we know, he tries to use his phone, to no avail. He decides to head out and look for help, grabbing a bag of Cheetos that washed up alongside them, bids the body farewell...and then comes back for it.
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Carrying the farting body on his back (and kind of treating him as if he’s alive), he wanders through the forest to find help. He wonders if the gas is the result of decomposition (likely, if excessive), or if its the body’s soul leaving it. Either way, the trudge forward. They settle in a cave for the night, as it rains heavily outside. As Hank is want to do, he hums to himself, and shares more of his personal life with the body, as he sings to it. And yeah, I’ve been linking to these songs, because the soundtrack is genuinely fascinating to me.
Morning comes, and Hank awakes to a raccoon prying at the body, which he subsequently chases for food. In his desperation for food and water, he’s once again about to leave the body in the cave, but notices it leaking copious amounts of water from its mouth, which it had collected from the cave walls overnight. And yes...he drinks it. Which is absolutely disgusting when you think about it, which I now choose NOT to.
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In the process, Hank squeezes the body for more water, and air escapes his mouth in such a way that it sounds like it’s speaking a name: Manny (Daniel Radcliffe). From that, Hank gets the body to speak his name and a simple greeting, but grows frustrated from the inability of the body to speak properly. This leads to him being a bit abusive towards him, reminding him unfavorably of his own father. Ooh, character revelations, me like.
Anyway, he apologizes to Manny for treating him that way...and Manny responds. Which FREAKS HANK THE FUCK OUT, understandably, and he punches Manny and flees the cave. As he comes back, Manny is indeed speaking outright, which is either a miracle or Hank just straight-up hallucinating. Either way, Hank asks Manny to try and remember his past life, but all he can get is the vague recollection of the Jurassic Park theme song. But Manny can’t remember the movie itself, which is when Hank says the most correct line ever said in all of film.
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You’re goddamn right. Anyway, from, there, Hank tries to teach Manny about the ways of the world, and the nature of life and death. And the resulting conversation is absolutely fuckin’ ridiculous, and I love it all. Through the process, Manny learns about the world, and Hank asks him to help get home.
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In the process, Manny inadvertently insults Hank, causing to walk off and once again look for help, only to eat poison berries and throw up for a sec. The two reunite, and their conversation turns to the topic of sex. See, there are some magazines in the cave that they’re in, which prompts some questions about women, sex, and love. To both of their surprise, this conversation causes Manny’s heart to beat! Spurred on, Hank continues, and Manny’s heart appears to reawaken...as does his penis. That’s a link to the soundtrack, I promise.
Hank and Manny both freak out, as his little Manny seems to have a mind (and motility) of its own. But in the ever absurd nature of this movie’s premise, this too has a secondary function: it’s a compass. Yup. And that prompts the next step of their journey, which is full of a conversation about fetishes and masturbation. Yeah, Hank’s surprised about that, too.
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This leads to a conversation about his parents, as well as somewhat traumatic parts of his childhood, including his mother’s premature death. This makes Hank upset, and he lashes out at Manny, who briefly returns to being dead until Hank apologizes. As they go on, however, they encounter another denizen of the forest: a bear. This causes the two to fall off a cliff, and causes Hank’s phone to fall out of his pocket and turn on, allowing Manny to see the picture of a girl on his background.
Manny’s enraptured by the picture, and constantly asks to see her again, as Hank continues to struggle for food. The problem is that Hank needs to conserve the power on the phone, but Manny asks if Hank can dress up as the girl in order to help him remember, and bring him back to life to help save them both. He does so reluctantly, but Manny calls him beautiful, to which Hank reacts positively. This not only helps Manny come to life a little more, but also leads Hank to shave to look more convincing for Manny...and possibly for Hank, too.
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As these two engage on a fake date and create a fake bus (while Manny listens to a fake self-sung cover of Cotton Eye Joe that I’m putting on my playlist), this is a good time to mention the one thing I know about this movie...maybe. I don’t quite remember where I heard this, but I have heard that this film is possibly a commentary on the transgender experience, or at the very least that Hank is transgender, but hasn’t come to terms with that as of yet. Now, I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I have heard that, and I’m definitely interested to see if that’s the direction this goes. This scene definitely seems to somewhat confirm this theory. Also, I will say (as I have said before when watching The Danish Girl), I’m a straight dude of the cissexual sort, so this is in NO WAY in my wheelhouse, but I still figured I’d mention it.
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We’re also at the halfway point now, so this would seem like a good time to pause for Part 2! See you there!
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INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and
bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING
The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks
at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow.
Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing!
You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off
his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up.
SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who
is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED
APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous.
The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who
wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your
cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen
places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with
a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain
feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.
Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror.
GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his
troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over!
An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band
plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I
dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.
CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the
window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick
flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with
the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face.
PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.
ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by.
SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it
isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance
and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks.
MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.
MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly
type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.
Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week.
RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.
Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY
But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.
SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a
pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio!
PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and
sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now...
Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip.
Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body.
DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.
QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and
skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS
The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns
to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be
freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly
sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.
PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his
shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him!
ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.
Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up
on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK
Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her
shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END
you are a nightmare
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fieldsofplay · 3 years
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Favorite Albums of 2020
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25. Dehd – Flower of Devotion
Rather than look back on the shit year that was 2020, lets keep our eye on the hope of the horizon.  Speaking of which, Dehd herald much of what’s to come on this here list.  While as previously mentioned a shit year for most everything besides presidential politics, 2020 proved to be a great year for good old fashioned guitar music.  Could I be accused of curling up with my version of musical comfort food? Perhaps.  But starting off with Dehd, we have a type of band that used to be everywhere and now seems to be almost nowhere.  Jangly lo-fi guitars, perky drums, and straightforward unadorned singing.  About five years ago you couldn’t throw a rock in Brooklyn without hitting a band like this, but now that that fad is long gone.  I’m glad that Chicago’s Dehd are still carrying the torch.  
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24. Perfume Genius – Set My Heart on Fire Immediately
I’ve always liked Perfume Genius, but for whatever reason Set My Heart on Fire Immediately is the album that took him out of the realm of casual background musical encounter to something I sought out.  Chamber pop has never really been my thing (except for those couple summers where Grizzly Bear was totally my jam), but here the torch songs catch fire by the compressed force of Michael Hadreas’ longing.  This record also pulls off the impressive feat of each song gradually morphing just a bit from what proceeds it, so that the whole record sounds similar and yet each song carves out its own little generic niche, the whole thing united by the quivering power of that pleading voice.  
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23. 2nd Grade – Hit to Hit
If you ever found yourself wondering what Guided by Voices would sound like if they wanted to be Big Star instead of punk rock Kinks, we now have the answer, and it’s Phily’s 2nd Grade.  In the noble tradition of Bee Thousand and Alien Lanes, Hit to Hit’s 24 tracks breeze by in a mere 41 minutes and 8 seconds.  An earworm sunny melody, a quick guitar hook, a second verse (maybe), and poof, each song is gone before you could ever miss it.  You would think variation would be difficult working within such tight musical corners, but while each song clearly shares common DNA, there is actually a lot of variance here, from weepy country ditties (“Bye Bye Texas”) to overdriven stompers (“Baby’s First Word”) though they all tend to orbit the same (big) star.  
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22. Tame Impala – The Slow Rush
I’ll be the first to admit that The Slow Rush isn’t my favorite Tame Impala record, not by a long shot.  Having said that, this album still feels like it got short shrift this year (not that anyone can really complain about that in these here times).  If we never knew that Lonerism or Innerspeaker or Currents existed, I wonder how much people would be head over heels for this album.  “One More Year” “Is It True” and “Posthumous Forgiveness” are all top notch Impala jams.  Seems like this album is the soundtrack for the chilled out summer hangs that we never got to have, and thus it’s fitting that it seems condemned for the ash-heap of history rather than the late-night come downs we never got up to.
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21. Against All Logic – 2017 – 2019
Ah, speaking of complicated musical relationships, I can never seem to chart a clear course with Nicolas Jaar.  The music he puts out under his own name never seems to do much for me, but I dug his collaboration with Dave Harrington as Darkside, and I really love most everything he’s put out as Against All Logic.  While admittedly not a great year for house music—normally a liberating genre of communal interconnectivity, now a cruel reminder that we all live in Footloose—a banger remains a banger, and 2017-2019 is full to the brim with them.  While I honestly can’t remember the last time I went dancing, I’ll still crank up “Fantasy” and bop around my living room, literally dancing by myself (lets be honest, something I would have done pandemic or no).  
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20. Fiona Apple – Fetch the Bolt Cutters
Fetch the Bolt Cutters has had a lot of great things said about it this year, so I don’t really have to add that much.  What I will say is this is perhaps the most interesting percussion I’ve ever heard on a record.  There is percussion all over the place, but almost none of it in the form of full-kit drumming.  Fiona always used the left hand on the piano as the rhythmic center of her songs, but here there is drilling, tapping, rapping, patting.  The phrase DIY gets tossed around all the time (and almost never applied to big money, big label Fiona) but to me the most impressive thing about this record is how it always sounds like she is sitting at a rickety upright piano in the corner of a living room, while everyone congregating around keeps the beat by tapping on pots and pans, the walls, whatever is at hand.  I’ve truly never heard anything like it.  
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19. Advertisement – American Advertisement
Godbless Seattle’s Advertisement. So long as there is cheap beer, old shitty cars driving with the windows down, and the U-SofA, there’ll be bands like Advertisement.  Straight out of the vein of Cheap Trick and the more recent White Reaper, Advertisement play power pop with the emphasis on the power.  Sometimes this type of music gets called sleazy, but honestly I don’t get it.  I think its probably because you can imagine it playing while Wooderson drives around Austin looking for redheads. While we rightfully cancelled the song of summer this year, “Upstream Boogie” would have gotten my vote, perfect for backyard bbqs and cannonballing into creeks.  
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18. Nation of Language – Introduction, Presence
I didn’t set it up this way, but if Advertisement has a diametric opposite, its probably Nation of Language.  Where Advertisement is all frayed edges and foam, Nation of Language is as buttoned up as those terrible sports jackets people wore in the early ‘90s.  While its not as good as my beloved Black Marble, those bands share enough DNA to make me a big fan of this synth pop gem.  It’s not as dark as the cold-wave Black Marble, but it does share that bands fondness for stark baselines and crisp arpeggios.  If you’ve ever envisioned your life as a scene from a John Hughes movie, Nation of Language could easily be playing in the background.
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17. The Soft Pink Truth – Shall we Go on Sinning so that Grace May Increase?
Indulge me in a moment of naval gazing.  Every year as I put these things together I reach a point where I’m lack “damn, this album is this low on the list?” And the point at which that thought enters my head is usually indicative of how good a year for music it was.  Now 2020 wasn’t a good year for anything, and I probably spent the least time of any year listening to music, new, old, whatever.  For the most part I just listened to the Grateful Dead and ambient albums.  However, for my idiosyncratic tastes, 2020 was actually a pretty fucking incredible year for new music, as evinced by the fact that this album is all the way down at 17.  
Earlier on in 2020 as I was bombarding my poor local music text thread with yet more of my inane musings, I think I declared this a top 3 album of the year.  And I wasn’t lying!  “Pretty” is often a dirty word in aesthetic appreciation, but this is certainly the “prettiest” album of the year in the best sense of the word.  From the Drew Daniel half of Matmos comes Shall we Go on Sinning so that Grace May Increase?  A record that is somehow simultaneously deep house and feather light, so much so that it needs its own dumb internet music writing moniker—shallow house? wide house? vacation house? (actually kinda like that last one).  With vocals from Jana Hunter, Angel Deradoorian, and Colin Self (with whom I wasn’t previously familiar) this thing will simultaneously make you want to tap your foot and drift off into the clouds.  This is album is like the prayer Madonna sang about all those years ago.  
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16. Kurt Vile – Speed, Sound, Lonely KV
It’s not at all surprising that if Kurt Vile decided he wanted to go country western he’d be really fucking good at it.  First of all, he’s an exceptional acoustic guitar picker.  Secondly, his voice, while always befitting his hazed out urban rockers, has just enough twang to it that in retrospect it always sounded a little bit country.  This record also gives me room to offer up an homage to the late great John Prine, for whom the EP is essentially a tribute.  Vile covers two Prine songs, dueting with the man himself on “How Lucky.” Saying goodbye is never easy, but on Speed, Sound, Lonely (both the album, and the song more or less by that name) Vile manages a fitting tribute to a lost legend.  
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15. Lomelda – Hannah
The reviews of Hannah really did Lomelda a disservice.  Sure, they were glowing, but they made it sound like this was some weepy milquetoast singer songwriter affair, when it’s actually a knotty album full off elliptical piano and fuzzed out electric guitar.  Its 14 tracks hurtle by, largely due to the fact that almost all of them are under 3 and a ½ minutes.  Things really get going with the second track, “Hannah Sun” with is squiggly synth effects and driving acoustic strums carrying on Hannah Read’s musings.  It’s an album of relentless forward musical movement even if the vibe feels like it’s always looking back over its shoulder.  Basically this album is what emo would sound like if it wasn’t made by the worst people in the universe.  
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14. Shabaka and the Ancestors – We are Sent here by History
Jazz! Another great year for jazz (Asher Gamedze’s Dialectic Soul and Keefe Jackson, Jim Baker, & Julian Kirshner’s So Glossy and So Thin are with a strong group that just missed the cut).  In the midst of an excellent jazz renaissance (you gotta use super annoying words like “renaissance” when talking about jazz) Shebaka Hutchins remains my absolute fave of the bunch, and We are Sent here by History is probably my favorite thing he has put out so far.
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13. Waxahatchee – Saint Cloud
While I really liked Waxahatchee’s low-fi emoish debut—American Weekend—I’ll readily admit I wasn’t much about the popier albums that followed, frequently jesting, honestly, that Allison was my preferred musical Crutchfield sister.  All that changed for me with Saint Cloud.  I’ve certainly drifted far off into country and Americana as I’ve aged, and it appears the same came be said for Katie Crutchfield.  These songs have a giddyup to them but they never break out into a gallop, allowing the strength of the melodies to carry them along across the plains, with just the right hint of twilight.  Saint Cloud is the sound of Patsy Cline if she played to roadside inns rather than the Grand Ol’ Opry.  
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12. Neil Young – Homegrown
This was the hardest album to place on the list this year.  For starters, should it even count? Clearly I say yes.  While some of these songs have been available for over 30 years, as an album, Homegrown was a “new” release here in 2020, even though it was originally slated to come out in ’75 between On the Beach (my personal fave Neil record) and Zuma.  As a pure piece of music, is it better than most, if not all, of the records that follow? Of course yes.  But what does a new Neil Young record mean in 2020? As a thought experiment its fascinating.  Do we value this album within the musical context of 2020 or 1975? Fortunately, it’s an even more enjoyable listen than it is a thought experiment.  From the first strums of “Separate Ways” you’re like “oh shit, this is the vintage stuff.” Gentle amber acoustic numbers (“Try”) share space with electric stompers (“Vacancy”).  The best thing you can say about Homegrown is that if Neil had originally decided to release this instead of Tonight’s The Night, it would have fit right in amongst his unimpeachable run from Everybody Knows This is Nowhere up through Zuma.  A classic is still a classic, no matter what year it finally sees the light of day.  
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11. Destroyer – Have we Met
Ah Dan Bejar, boy was I wrong about you.  I kinda got into Destroyer’s Rubies, I loved his contributions to Swan Lake and The New Pornographers, but yet when Chinatown started really making waves, I just couldn’t do it.  It was soft rock! I hate soft rock! I hate everything about it!  This preconceived notion wasn’t helped by the fact that I saw him open for the War on Drugs in Pontiac once and he was so drunk he could barely stand up and had to read his own lyrics from a sheet.  And yet, for some reason I never really gave up on it. I can’t tell you why exactly, but two summers ago Chinatown just slowly became my go-to for early morning / late afternoon strolls. I found comfort in giving myself over to its pillowy soft embrace / cheating on my own aesthetic judgments.  Now that I’m card-carrying Bejarhead, I greeted Have we Met with open arms, and I was not disappointed.  The synths glimmer, the guitars add just enough punch, and his lyrics remain sharp as ever.  Its fitting that this was the last concert I saw before the iron curtain fell.  The one thing I had always turned my back on ended up being the last memory of dionysian group enthrallment I had to carry with me out into the desert of social isolation.  Come back soon Destroyer, come back soon, everyone.
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10. Deeper – Auto-Pain
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready, because post punk is back! I always say my favorite genre is ‘sad songs you can dance to’ but post punk is a close second.  When I was in college post punk underwent a bit of a renaissance in the form of Interpol (back when they were still good), Bloc Party (ditto), Franz Ferdinand, and a whole slew of British one hit wonders (Maximo Park, Futureheads, Art Brut, the Bravery).  Fortunately, as is always the case, what’s old is new again, and stark melodic bass lines, angular guitars, and moody introspective speak-singing are back in full force.  Of the three post punk bands gracing this here top ten (Deeper, Fontaines DC, and Crack Cloud) each has its own little slice of the generic pie.  Fontaines have the deep gloom of Interpol/Joy Division, Crack Cloud ripple with the staccato energy of Gang of Four, and Deeper have the wiry dancieness of, well, Wire. So long as leather jackets and black and white photography remain cool, there’ll always be bands like this, and thank god for that.  In a true sign o’ the times, I learned about this band from some random girl’s Tik Tok in my for-you feed.  She repped five bands, two of which are in my top three, so I was like, sure I’ll give this band Deeper a go.  God bless the internet.  Finally, Deeper get bonus points for naming a song “This Heat,” who I’ve been spending a lot of time revisiting this year, and whose spikey guitars are all over this record.  
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9. The Flaming Lips – American Head
There are few things as satisfying in art as being genuinely surprised by a beloved artist you had given up as culturally dead.  Since putting out their last masterpiece (2009’s Embryonic) the Lips have put out a string of good, if inconsequential, albums that befitting the ethos of the band could best be described as half baked (The Terror, Oczy Moldy, and a series of collaborative experiments).  Basically, they had reached that dreaded nadir where I was no longer interested in listening to their new output (cough The National, cough cough Arcade Fire).  So what made me give American Head a chance? That reader, is the point of art criticism! I can’t remember how the blurb on pitchfork read exactly, but I knew it referenced Tom Petty and a return to a preoccupation with more Earthly concerns—namely ‘70s heartland rock.  Well, this sounded intriguing, and boy was I not disappointed.  Sure, the Flaming Lips have already reached their sell-by date twice over (first in 1992, immediately followed by their MTV reinvention on 1993’s Transmissions from the Satellite Heart; and then again in the late ‘90s with the departure of guitarist Ronald Jones, followed by their creative pinnacle, ‘99’s symphonic masterpiece The Soft Bulletin), so it shouldn’t be all that surprising that this band could rise from the dead a third time.  Only, for the most part, they didn’t.  I guess I’m not surprised that American Head failed to reach a broader audience. Most people probably aren’t even aware that they are still a going concern, and after the failures of the last decade it makes sense that most weren’t interested in more tunes from the Oklahoma freaknicks.  But for those willing to give the band another chance, American Head easily delivers their best album since Embryonic, if not all the way back to Yoshimi.  Mixing ‘70s Americana with the star gazing of Soft Bulletin’s “Sleeping on the Roof,” the Lips deliver their best album in decades by foregoing the parlor tricks and returning to what they do best, taking trips to distant galaxies while keeping their feet firmly planted in the soil and songcraft of Oklahoma.
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8. Cut Worms – Nobody Lives Here Anymore
This one is pretty easy.  Do you like George Harrison’s All Things Must Pass? If yes, listen to Nobody Lives Here Anymore and revel in this double album’s upbeat acoustic rock mediations.  If no, well there’s plenty of other good stuff out there.  Not quite as metaphysical or orchestral as All Things Must Pass, Nobody Lives Here Anymore still manages to hit that rockabiliy-pop sweet spot that Harrison used to mine.  I’m not quite sure what the definition of “troubadour” is, but it feels safe to call Cut Worms a troubadour, which is certainly better than his terrible stage name.  
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7. Cigarettes for Breakfast – Aphantasia
Similar to Cut Worms, Cigarettes for Breakfast also involves a simple influence equation.  Do you pray at the altar of Loveless? If so, Aphantasia is just the record for you.  Sure, it’s a bit of My Bloody Valentine paint by numbers (“Breathe” even features the same squally guitar noise [it’s really hard to try and describe My Bloody Valentine effects ha] as “Soft as Snow (But Warm Inside)”) but when you’re as into shoegaze as I am, that’s never really a bad thing.  Plus, I’m being a bit unfair.  Everyone with textured tremolo heavy wall-of-sound guitars and cooed vocals is going to inevitably be compared to MBV, and Cigarettes for Breakfast do enough to chart their own course.  Perhaps most interesting is the musical journey this record charts.  Its loudest moment is its opening, where pummeling guitars more reminiscent of Sonic Youth with a touch of Dinosaur Jr. rip across hardcore style drumming. From there each song becomes a little more ambient, until closer “If Someone Could Help Me, Please” more or less floats away on its shimmering sheets of beautiful noise clouds.  In this sense, it bears a resemblance in structure, if not in sound, to Deerhunter’s Cryptograms, another album I spent a lot of time revisiting this year.  A shutout here is owed to the fine folks at Radio K, who had me diving for my shazam as this thing ripped across their airwaves.  So long as there is college radio, there’ll be a new crop of kids discovering via Kevin Shields that the electric guitar contains endless sonic possibilities.  
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6. Fontaines D.C. – A Hero’s Death
The second entry in our top-ten post punk trio is A Hero’s Death by Fontaines D.C.  I’ll admit, on first blush it’s kind of a dumb band name (I just assumed they were some hardcore band from Washington DC chasing those Dischord Records glory days), but when you learn that the “DC” stands for Dublin City, it all clicks, as this band is sorta inescapably Irish in the way that James Joyce is.  Now this fact at first was also off-putting—if I went the rest of my life without ever hearing the Dropkick Murphy’s again I’d be quite content—but eventually it becomes integral to their sound, and not just because of the brogue in Garin Chatten’s vocals.  “Love is the Main Thing” is an incredible song in many ways, most notably because of the hypnotic quality of the drumming with its counterpoint between riding cymbal and staccato toms, but perhaps in the main (*wink*) for the way it manages to connote the weariness of a grey urban environment without ever being explicitly about it.  Just as Turn on the Bright Lights managed to perfectly capture New York in 2001, A Hero’s Death to me is the aural equivalent of a dense urban center like Dublin, especially after nightfall.  
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5. Imaginary Softwoods – Annual Flowers in Color
It should come as no surprise that I listened to A LOT of ambient this year, and to me there was no better electronic record to chill the fuck out to during this insane year than Annual Flowers in Color.  I absolutely loved Emeralds’ Does it Look Like I’m Here? and was devastated they never followed that gem (*wink*) up.  In the immediate aftermath of the demise of Emeralds Mark McGuire’s solo albums got a lot of attention, but apparently the person I really loved in Emeralds was Imaginary Softwoods’ John Elliot.  Annual Flowers in Color is like if Dead City’s, Red Seas, Lost Ghosts were waiting in the departure’s lounge of Eno’s airport.  At the heart of the album lies the 10 plus minutes of “Another First/Sea Machine.” I could listen to this song forever, and on some particularly WTF 2020 lakewalks I more or less have.  Chunky synths, arpeggios that drift off to infinity, ‘80s soundtrack nostalgia.  I could live in these Softwoods for the rest of my sonic days.  
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4. Pottery – Welcome to Bobby’s Motel
In another moment of nostalgia for my college years, Pottery are a welcome return to weird ass experimental Canadian bands.  They don’t sound anything like the Unicorns, but in spirit Pottery kind of remind me of them.  I’ve spilled a lot of digital ink here and elsewhere bemoaning the fact that Pitchfork (or perhaps, me) isn’t cool anymore, and to me no band embodies this more than Pottery.  They take a bunch of fun disparate elements—Talking Heads dance art rock, periodic weird pitch shifted vocal effects, hazy deep purple style guitars, and Queen style machismo disco—throw them into a witch’s cauldron, and come up with something off the wall that sounds like nothing else but is also instantly familiar.  This is the type of thing Pitchfork would have been all over in 2007, but instead now they’re too busy chasing conde nast clout clicks.  Oh well, nothing gold can last. But enough negativity, this here is a celebration of the joy of new music, and no new band embodies that unbridled joy like Pottery.  Along with Fontaines DC, this is the band I wish I most could have bopped around to with a bunch of sweaty strangers in the 7th St. Entry or Turf Club.  You can just imagine the call and response vocals and funky grooves getting the people moving.  Oh well, hopefully we’ll soon all be rocking the vaccine, they can breeze through town, and I’ll be the first person on the dance floor embarrassingly pumping my fist a half beat behind the rhythm.  
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3. Pure X – Pure X
To paraphrase Same Elliott in the Big Lebowski, sometimes there’s a band, and well, sometimes there’s a band.  For me this year, that band was Pure X.  I absolutely loved their debut Pleasure way back in 2011, when lo-fi reverb heavy slow guitar music (ie, Galaxie 500) was all the rage. Their follow up Crawling up the Stairs was so bad I didn’t even bother listening to Angel, though perhaps that also owed a decent amount to just how terrible the art on that record is.  (I’ve since remedied this mistake; turns out that record rules).  Being that as it may, I can’t particularly tell you what drew me in to this year’s self-titled album, a full nine years after Pleasure first graced the stage.  In one sense it’s probably because Pleasure is one those albums that just never went out of my rotation.  Whenever the fahrenheit tips past 90 and the walk to the bodega is a few blocks longer than you’d like, that record always hits the spot.  Maybe I just knew this was the record I needed this year.  Either way, from the first bars of “Middle America” I was hooked.  The guitars crash over you, but never in a threatening way. Rather, they envelop you like a weighted blanket, comforting you in their sonic embrace.  Nowhere is this more true than on “Fantasy,” easily my favorite song of 2020 (especially since this was a year entirely devoid of dance floor bangers).  If this album came out in 1999 rather than 2020 I would have hit the repeat button on my discman and listened to this song forever.  
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2. Crack Cloud – Pain Olympics
Pain Olympics is the answer to the question that no one asked: what if Arcade Fire’s (back when they were good) communal uplift was paired with Gang of Four’s stark anthem’s of industrialism’s collapse?  While on first blush this might sound like your standard album of punkish fist pumping angst, from when the female vocals (sorry there are too many people in this band for me to be able to figure out whose who) come in on opener “Post Truth (Birth of a Nation)” Pain Olympics reveals itself to be a very strange animal (likely a unicorn of some sort), especially as little orchestral swirls creep into the mix, giving it an almost Judy Garland (in hell) quality.  This subtle genre pastiche is given its best effect on stunner “The Next Fix.” That song starts out as an elastic spoken-word call and response addiction rumination, at the minute mark it starts to segue into a vocoded chill raver, then some horns crop up out of nowhere, then a spoken word passage, then at the two minute mark a chorus of voices come in, doing their best Broken Social Scene in the truest sense of the phrase.  This is perhaps one of the strangest records I’ve ever heard, but what is strangest of all is just how beautiful it is.  Crack Cloud are not for everyone, but if you really give it a chance, the returns are limitless.  
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1. SAULT – Untitled (Rise) / Untitled (Black Is)
You cannot tell the story of 2020 without SAULT, which is why this pair of records is here at the top, even if under the influence of sodium pentothal (lets be honest, veritaserum) I might lean more towards Pain Olympics.  In June, the “anonymous” London project put out Untitled (Black Is), and then quickly followed that gem up with September’s Untitled (Rise).  Perhaps more amazing still is that these two albums, released so close together, have unique personalities.  Black Is is more pop/R&B whereas Rise has a dancy, electr(on)ic feel.  I lean more towards the latter, but honestly, both albums are so overstuffed with amazing moments that it’s borderline unbelievable that one outfit could put out so much amazing music in such a short span.  While these records would chart high even if sung in Hopelandic, there’s no escaping the social import of the lyrics.  One need look no further than Black Is’s “Don’t Shoot Guns Down” for the 2020 dance party at the end of the world.  As if that weren’t more than enough, it finds its analogue on Rise’s “Street Fighter,” and that’s SAULT in a nutshell: two albums in constant communication with one another, and more importantly, with the state of the world.  Guns down.  Don’t Shoot.  Let’s dance.  
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anime-shipper22 · 3 years
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I’ll have to post super early and super late from now on( on weekdays) because of classes.
Domestic Violence
Pt.15
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Domestic Violence
Chapter 15: I only see black without you...
     "See you tomorrow," Alex waved as he and Willie walked out. "Hey, Luke, can I talk to you for a minute," Julie asked. Luke looked at Reggie; who was preoccupied talking to Flynn and nodded. "Sure," he said.
     They walked out on the porch and Julie shut the door. "Uhm," she started, "I...this is going to seem really weird." "Come on Julie, you can talk to me," he smiled. She blushed and looked away, "Do you Uhm...Uhm like Reggie? Like...like-like Reggie?"
     Luke cleared his throat and blushed, thankful for the very dim porch light. "Well, I mean..." he began. "Because I don't think so. I...I know that I act as I do, and at first, I did...but Uhm...recent events have foreshadowed me to think differently," she said.
     He raised an eyebrow, "What?" "I think I might...I think I might-..."
     "Hey Jules, ready to go," Flynn asked swinging the door open. She blushed and turned her back to both of them, "Yeah. Yeah, let's go."
     Luke just shrugged and walked back inside when the girls walked away. "Can I stay here and wait till my mom gets here," he asked. "Of course," Reggie smiled.
     There was a knock on the door. "I got it," Luke said. He walked to the door and opened it, "Oh hey Hayley." "Hey...Luke. What are you doing at Reggie's house? You banging my brother," she asked.
     "I'm your cousin!"
      "Yeah, him too," she corrected. Luke laughed and stepped aside, "Just come in will ya?" She smiled and walked in, "You here to help out an old lady and her nephew?"
     "Cousin," Reggie corrected again walking up to them. "Yeah that's what I said," she shrugged. He laughed, "You're not old Anyways." "Aw," she blushed, "Flattering me. Sorry boy but I'm not looking for anything right now."
     "Cousin," Reggie said. "Hm. That's right. What am I here for again," she asked. "To teleport me to and fro the dump so I can get rid of all of this," he said gesturing towards the boxes.
     "Oh that's right," she sighed. "Well, shall we start then," she asked. "Uhm...actually Luke's mom is running a tad late, can't we wait till he leaves. I don't wanna burden him," Reggie said. "Nonsense, I don't mind helping Reggie," Luke shrugged. "Are you sure," he asked.
     Luke nodded, "Of course. Least I could do." "Alright then, Hayley start on the boxes out here? Luke help me in their old room," he asked. They both nodded and went to work.
Reggie sighed and rolled up the sleeves of Luke's hoodie. Luke closed the door, causing Reggie to turn around.
     "Talk."
     "What do you mean," Reggie asked. "You've had something on your mind all day," Luke said. "Is it that obvious," Reggie sighed. "To me," Luke shrugged.
     "I just...I just I'm sorry," he whispered. Luke smiled sympathetically, "For what?" "I didn't mean to get you in trouble with...well everyone," he said. "Oh," Luke whispered, "Hey...it's fine."
     Tears clouded his eyes trying not to cry, "Really?" Luke placed his thumb and index on Reggie's chin and tilted his head up, "Of course. You were feeling at least a little better when you left, right?"
     Reggie nodded, "Yeah." Luke kissed his lips and slowly pulled away, "Than that's all that matters." Reggie sniffled and pulled Luke into a hug. "How am I so lucky to have you," he mumbled.
     Luke laughed and returned the hug, "I could ask you the same thing." Reggie smiled and enjoyed the warmth only a little longer before they got cleaning.
Luke sighed as he flopped down on his bed. Only two more days of detention and he was already dreading them.
It's a wonder Reggie didn't get detention. But, then again, he was the smart kid. Luke was just...well Luke. He wasn't stupid but definitely not as smart as Reggie.
He took a shower, studied for a solid ten minutes, and was exhausted. He looked at his watch and groaned, it was only 9:00 pm. Then he, for some reason, looked at the date on his watch and his eyes widened.
Reggie was leaving in nine days?! And half of that Luke was stuck in detention for! Stupid principal stupid Carrie stupid...school attendants.
He had absolutely no idea how he would function without Reggie. It's been eleven years, he doesn't remember what life was like before that.
Who is going to awkwardly play in the background to annoy him? Who is going to text him every day and tell him an idea for a new song he had? Well, they could still do that. I guess.
Who was going to randomly call him just to sing a song and hang up? Okay, that too.
But who was going to fight about who's paying at lunch or dinner? Alex would try but if Luke said, "no", he shrugged. Like that's not what you're supposed to do. At least make the victory feel like...a victory.
Who was going to randomly hop over to his microphone so they could sing together? Who was going to call every band morning practice to see if he's awake?
     There is no band without Reggie. No matter how much Reggie insists there is.
     Luke turned on his side and turned off his lamp. In his usual sleeping attire; basketball shorts and...well that's all. Don't judge.
     He had just gotten comfortable when his phone began to ring. He groaned and smacked the blankets. He grabbed his phone and answered it.
      "Luke?! Luke get down here! Right now!"
      "Hayley," he questioned.
      "No! It's Santa Claus! Get down here!"
     "What," he groaned, "Why?"
     "It's Reggie! Luke I...I don't know what happened! We were talking about my house and suddenly he couldn't breathe! Get down here!"
     Luke jolted out of bed, and threw the covers off, "Okay, okay, listen? I think it's a panic attack, okay? You can't do anything...don't try and shake him out of it or anything. Just tell him something calmly. I'll be five minutes."
     He grabbed his blue jacket, with no sleeves, and rushed down the hall. "Mom, Dad, I'll be out for the night! Can't talk right now! Love you bye," he shouted grabbing the car keys.
      It was spot on. Five minutes and Luke pulled off to the side of the street. Not really caring enough to pull into the driveway.
     "Luke, thank god! It's gotten worse," Hayley shouted. And, before he could even think about it, he ran. Ran faster than he thought he could.
     And within a matter of seconds was by Reggie's side.
     "Hey," he fretted calmly. Reggie was breathing heavily, sweating even though it was cold in his house, shaking, and crying.  Definitely a panic attack, Luke thought.
     Darkness.
     Suddenly Reggie's world was clouded in darkness. No one. Nothing. It terrified the crap out of him.
     Though he couldn't see any solid ground, he felt as if it was shaking. What's happening to him? One minute he was having a decent conversation with his cousin, the next he's here.
     What?
"Hey."
The darkness seemed to get a little lighter, but the difference was subtle. "Luke? Luke," he shouted.
"It's okay Reggie," he said.
Reggie gripped his hair and screamed, "Luke! Luke!"
He wanted to hold him, rock him, tell him everything was okay, but he knew he couldn't. One wrong touch and it could make it worse.
"It's okay Reggie," Luke's voice echoed in his head. The darkness quickly lessened, but only slightly.
Where was the voice coming from? He turned around and around, but he couldn't find Luke anywhere. "Luke? Luke, I can't find you! Where are you," he shouted.
"Reggie. Reggie, I'm right here. Open your eyes. I'm right here," he pleaded.
Slowly his eyes opened, and; without even knowing it tackled Luke on the couch.
Luke smiled and hugged him back. "Heya there Reggie," he whispered. He was still shaking and wasn't catching his breath.
"I'm just...gonna go. See you at work tomorrow little brother," she shouted. "Cousin," Luke corrected. "Right," she shouted shutting the door.
Minutes turned into hours. And they just laid there. Together.
"Reggie? You awake," Luke whispered. "Yeah," Reggie mumbled. Luke smiled and continued to rub Reggie back. "You're making it incredibly difficult though," he yawned.
"I'm sorry," Reggie whispered. "For what," Luke asked. "Always depending on you. After all, I've been through I should be able to handle stupid small things like panic attacks," he mumbled.
Luke laughed, "Nah. You're comfortable. I missed you anyway." Reggie chuckled, "You saw me an hour ago." "Yes, but that was a very long hour," he smiled.
"Luke," Emily shouted swinging open the door. They both tensed and looked at each other awkwardly.
"Good," she sighed as she and Mitch walked in, "We were worried sick." "Uhm," Luke began. Emily smiled and sat down in Reggie's dad's old recliner. "Your mom freaked out when you rushed out of the house without telling us where you were going. So we tried to call Reggie to see if he knew...well when he didn't answer we got worried."
"Of course. After you told us we were scared something happened to both of you," Emily whispered.
Reggie shot up and looked down at Luke, "You told them?!" Luke sighed and sat up, popping his back, "Listen..."
"No! Luke," Reggie sighed and held back tears, "You-...this was something I was so terrified to tell you, and you just tell everyone?! Who else did you tell?! Alex? Julie? Willie?!"
Reggie stood up and stormed off to his room, and slammed the door. Luke groaned, "Really? You couldn't leave me alone for one night?!"
     Luke ran down the hall and began to bang on Reggie's door, "Reg. Reggie come on open up! Let me explain! Please!"
     "Go away," he shouted. Luke sighed and opened the door, "Please just let me talk to you."
     "Mitch, dear, let's go wait in the car," Emily whispered. He nodded and they left, grabbing the keys off the table.
     "You didn't lock the door," Luke sighed sitting on the edge of Reggie's bed. "Damn it," Reggie mumbled.
     Luke placed a hand on Reggie's shoulder, which he quickly shoved off. "Give me a chance to explain, please," Luke whispered. Reggie sniffled and sat up, wiping the tears off his face, "Two minutes."
Luke let out a sigh of relief and smiled sadly at him, "Okay. When I got home yesterday they were beyond pissed at me. My mom kept making crazy accusations that I was with a girl or something like that. All I said was that I was helping you because your life has been turned upside down. But, they still wouldn't let it go, so I explained to them, in minimum detail, what happened. They let it go."
Reggie sniffled, "Is it true?" Luke nodded and suddenly Reggie was clinging to him. Luke smiled and softly stroked his hair. "I'm sorry," Reggie shouted into Luke's jacket. "No, I'm sorry. I should've told you," Luke whispered.
"Can...Can I stay the night with you," Reggie asked. Luke smiled down at him and nodded, "Of course. Come on, let's go." Reggie nodded and they both stood up off the bed.
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Ashamed
Summary: Could I request one where Eddie is ashamed of the scar on his chest from Pennywise and that he refuses to take his shirt off for any reason until Richie confronts him and tells him that the scar is a reminder of his bravery and he takes Eddie's shirt off and kisses it?
A/N: I hope you enjoy and I’m so sorry it took so long! I’m a bit behind on my request but I promise I’m trying to finish request every day so to everyone who has requested stuff, I promise it’s coming!  
warnings: there’s a sex joke in here, and a sex reference (not graphic at all) 
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Eddie has contemplated before on hanging up a towel over the mirror any and each time he’s in the bathroom by himself. He’s never executed the plan, Richie’s too observant for that too work and would notice but straight away, leading to questions Eddie’s ashamed to answer, but whenever Richie is away on tour or a show, he’ll prop the towel from one side to the other, obscuring the view of his chest.
He’s never been very confident in his appearance, but he wasn’t hyper aware of it like he is after the Pennywise accident either. He didn’t have to be. For years Myra smothered him with her self-presumed love and adoration, picking out the clothes he wore and buying all the creams and aftershave she treasured, and Eddie followed her in those things without stopping and thinking about what he liked and how he wanted to sell himself towards other people.
Once, he was gifted a perfume bottle from one of his coworkers, a secret Santa gift, and when he sprayed it on to go to work the next day, Myra picked up on the change and gave him a piece of her mind. She reamed Eddie about not remodeling himself to be accepted by his peers, not mulling that maybe the Eddie she prepared and drilled every morning was not the real Eddie. There were threats being ushered, like Eddie cheating on Myra and switching perfumes to galvanize his mistress, and no matter how many times Eddie tried to reason with her, she was dead set on the idea.
He tossed the bottle out that same day, immensely guilty that he gave Myra grounds to question him. She was right after all, Eddie was married, and he didn’t have to make anyone happy except his wife, not even himself.
Post Derry him is happier. So fucking happy he gleams and elates every morning awakening in Richie’s arms, or the other way around, nosing behind Richie’s ear to get that one little inch closer, turning off the alarm and dosing an extra hour, work suddenly coming second for once in Eddie’s life. Richie had that effect on him, made him long to be near him twenty-four/seven,
But he also feels worse, and that can be tracked back to the long, vertical scar smacked in the middle of his chest. It’s starts in the mornings, but in a stand offish way, the insecurities bubbling on the edge of his mind loud enough that Eddie knows they’re there, but not so ample close that Eddie nitpicks and examines them, yet.
And at first it wasn’t even that bad, Eddie mostly enthralled with moving his stuff in and out of houses, and fitting as much RichieandEddie time into their shared schedule to gain back what they lost over the years, the underlying doubt and terror every time he caught a glimpse of the scar background to the best moments of his life.
It only really became a problem the first time Eddie and Richie made love to each other, and Eddie refused to take of his shirt. The pleasant, hot and vastly attractive sight of Richie’s slightly pudgy stomach and thighs, and his clean, smooth chest Eddie could run his fingers over and not bubble once incited a deep meekness and carved him hallow. Emptied by the idea that he’s horrific and undeserving of the adoration so blindingly clear in his boyfriends eyes.
Most off all, the scar is reminiscent on the clown trauma, proof that Pennywise maintains some sort of power over him, in comparisons to his friends and Richie, who moved on with their lives. It distinguishes him from the group, and not in a good way. In a way that shines a bright neon spot over Eddie’s head, accentuating his cowardness.  
The reflections displayed in the mirror exhibits his slip up, his idiocy to entertain the idea of him being strong enough to defeat Pennywise all on his own, he wants nothing to do with it. The scar tissue puckers up his skin and his disgust is so deeply rooted that he didn’t even bother to check up on it for months after Derry, to assure it didn’t fester.
So no, Eddie doesn’t conceal the glass whenever Richie is home, but what he does do is strip down everything except for his shirt when slipping in the shower, towing the shower curtain and tossing the shirt out, rumpled on the floor, via the small slit.
The wrinkles in his shirt agitate him, but are a small price to pay for preserving his sanity and spirits. In the shower he resolutely does not look down at all, his eyes trained on the ugly pattern of tiles Richie claimed came with the house when he bought it, but Eddie suspects he just really fancy’s it.
Eddie always neatly packs his new shirt on the countertop, effortlessly accessible from the lavatory so he can dry off and pull on his shirt without drawing his own attention to his chest.
Stowing away his insecurity is a weight he’s been holding over his own head, so dangerously close to imbalance and tumbling over that Eddie feels shifting his attention from it slightly will let it all crash down on him. Because Richie has a tenacious personality, and once he catches a whiff of it, he’ll cling to the smallest straws to get to the bottom of it.
The schedule Eddie’s built has never been interrupted before, Richie knowing, or at least being tricked into knowing, and understanding that the bathroom serves as Eddie’s sanctuary, a place for being alone and restocking and regrouping his overactive mind. The interference in the schedule is Eddie’s own wrongdoing, for glossing over the fact that they had a dinner party to attend to, and dragging out his time in the bathroom for way too long plus forgetting to grab a change of clothing.
He only addresses the issue at hand when the shower runs cold and he’s bordering on being late, contemplating his options with his hands resting on his hips. Richie always sings a derivative of a song before entering a room, transforming the lyrics in a way that fits in Eddie and Richie’s life, as a substitute for knocking as that’s boring according to him, but Eddie discerns tiny snores emerging from the living room, so Eddie hurriedly dries off and dons his underwear, training his eyes down casted to not look at the mirror.
He wastes a long time debating on what to wear, matching multiple t-shirts to the pants he has elected to wear, unbeknownst that the snoring in the other room has ebbed away. This is an important business meeting with Richie’s new manager, one that will lift up his spirits and encourage him to fly solo, writers free, and Eddie can’t afford to mess this up. He’s scrutinizing an oxford-button-down forest green shirt, analyzing if there’s a spot on the fabric or if it’s a trick of the light.  
Hearing the caroling a smidge too late, Eddie has no time to slip in the shirt before the door cracks open, Richie’s wild curls sticking out in every direction and his pants too low, pulled down from the movements he slanders during sleep.
‘I was about to call the ambulance and ask them to assemble a rescue mission’, he quips, feet padding the carpet of the bedroom lazily.
The weight Eddie’s been bearing up dislodges and veers menacingly to the edge, a gust away from keeling over the edge.
‘Get out’, Eddie says calmly the first time, contorting his body so his upper torse is veiled from Richie’s observation, the button-down serving as a shield of sorts. ‘Get out’, he clamors, a panic attack lurking in the shadows and prowling on his burst of utter panic.
‘Eds’, Richie says perplexed, his eyebrows contracting, his droopy eye more squinted than it is with his face slacked.
‘Get out, I don’t want to see you’, Eddie hisses, witnessing the decay of Richie’s happy face, teetering away backwards and back out in the hallway.
Eddie swallows, the door obstructing his outlook on Richie, and appareling his shirt so fast it tears around the sleeves, pretending he didn’t hear that. His instincts lure him to hide under the covers and wait for the whole thing to blow over, but his comments hurt Richie and his instincts were formed his primary years, while living with his mother, so he does the exact opposite.
‘Rich’, he groans, eyeing Richie leaning on the counter, his body jutting out, dancing on his feet and shelving the cleaned dishes.  
‘Richie stop.’ Eddie plasters himself against Richie’s back, fitting so perfectly like puzzle pieces, like a riddle so complicated that’s been solved. He hooks his chin over Richie’s shoulder, kissing the underside of his jaw.
‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled.’
‘No it’s fine, it’s my fault. I need to learn how to knock. I didn’t mean to agitate you.’
‘You didn’t agitate me. I know I say you do all the time but somehow everything you do is endearing, not irritating.’
‘Careful Eddie Spaghetti, you’ll give me a big head.’
‘I can do that tonight if you’d like?’ Eddie teased, the tight knot in his heart uncoiling at the rumbling of Richie’s laugh.
Richie rotated in his arms, front to front, hugging Eddie back in equal fierce as Eddie did too him.
‘Forgive me?’
‘That depends my good follow, however shall you atone me?’ He released Eddie with one arm, using his hand to tap his chin thoughtfully. ‘Hm, perhaps with a reason as to why?’, his British accent lacing his words.
‘Rich, I really don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Come on,’ Richie pleaded, pouting with his bottom lip. ‘How can I help if you won’t tell me what’s going on?’
Eddie sighed, his arms cave in and the weight collapses down upon him. ‘I just don’t want you to envision this’, he says, unconsciously smoothing down his shirt on the spot his wound is located.
‘Envision what? You?’
‘No’, Eddie explains miserably, ‘I mean the scar, the disfigurement.’
‘Eddie’, Richie gently chuckles, ‘I don’t give a shit about that.’
‘That’s because you haven’t seen it yet. It’s so ugly and,’ Eddie interrupted himself, unwinding from Richie to give himself some breathing space. Being near Richie is intoxicating, but he needed to think clearly.
‘And what?’ Richie pries.
‘How much of a coward I am okay? I don’t want you to look at me and realize how much better you can do.’
‘Eddie, do you honestly believe you’re a coward?’
‘Yeah.’ Shame flooding the tips of his ears, making it harder to engage the conversation, when all Eddie wanted was to leave and go the this dinner.
‘Like I told you down in the sewers, you’re braver than you think, Eds. I’m the one who aimed higher and scored the jackpot.’ Richie asseverate.
‘You keep saying that but I’m the only one idiot enough to get injured.’
‘That’s no true, I strained my leg muscle.’ Richie states, twisting his leg, reliving the memory of the shards of affliction lodging in.
‘Seriously, maybe you’re the only one that got hurt, but you survived. Who in the world can claim there’s so badass that they lived through being shish kebabbed? By a demon from outer space no less.’
‘No one I guess.’
‘No one, erase the “I guess”. Give yourself some credit.’ Richie says firmly, outstretching his arm and then thinking better of it. ‘Can I touch it?’
‘Richie,’ Eddie hesitated, eyes flitting around the room as if to plan his escape.
‘I’ll be really gentle. And if you don’t like it I’ll pull back straight away.’ The soft tone settles Eddie somewhat, and with a hesitant nod, Richie slowly inches closer. He goes so leisurely, as one would approach a feral kitten, but Eddie keeps the parallels to himself, Richie will tease him relentlessly for it.
Eddie expected Richie to slide under his shirt from the get go, but all Richie does is pet his chest on top of the shirt, mapping out the area and feeling where the scar is located.
The area is strangely sensitive, a reason why Eddie has to douche it softly as opposed to the harsh scrubbing he’s used to doing to every other part of his physics.
Only the barely-there, soft touches of Richie’s fingers pawing, tickles Eddie, realizing a breathless hum as he gets acquainted to Richie and him converging in that spot.
Eddie giggles, Richie steadily ongoing his ministrations, until the notion borders on too much, and he plummets to his knees.
He kisses top of the blemish, all the way to the underside, blowing a raspberry there as if the normal kiss wasn’t ticklish enough.
Eddie cackles, halfheartedly shoving Richie backwards, his worries fizzling out into the night. The smooches leave a trail of slobber from Richie’s mount, wilting spots on his blouse Richie’s manager will discern him in.  
‘Richie stop, you’re going to ruin it and we have to leave soon.’
‘Nah, I cancelled.’
‘You cancelled? Why?’
‘Because the love of my love, my Eddie Spaghetti, my Eds, gave off the impression he was in a pretty foul mood.’
‘Was I that obvious?’ Eddie grumbles, fingers racking lovingly trough Richie’s curls.
‘No, I just have a knack for you. Anyways I rescheduled.’
‘Oh Rich you didn’t have to do that. What is she going to think of you?’
‘I don’t care. Look, if she’s striving to be my manager she best believe that my career always come second. You’re my number one priority, no matter what.’
Eddie’s eyes turn bloodshot, blinking rapidly to contain the upcoming flow of tears. Richie presses a final kiss, then resurfaces upwards, a lopsided grin grazing his face.
‘You’re not going to take it off?’ Eddie inquires fretful, not sure what he wants the answer to be.
‘No, later, when you’re more at ease. But Eds, I need you to know, I’m going to look at it, and all that will be going on in my mind is holy fuck. That scar is symbolic for how strong and daring you are, and how glad I am to have you here breathing with me. That motherfucking clown tried everything, and he still couldn’t kill you. You know why? Because you’re a stubborn little basterd, and also indestructible. And I love you so much.’
The taste of salt explodes on Richie’s tongue, surprisingly, he hadn’t got a clue he was crying in the first place.
‘Great, good job idiot. Now look at us, two blubbering idiot sniffling in a kitchen’, Eddie grumbled, but he was smiling so wide the dimples in his cheeks were distinguishable.
‘I love you too.’ 
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stereogeekspodcast · 3 years
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[Transcript] Season 2, Episode 5. The Falcon and the Winter Soldier Review
The second Marvel Cinematic Universe spin-off streamed on Disney+, and we at Stereo Geeks had a lot of thoughts. In the Special, we give an episode-by-episode breakdown of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. What did we love about the story of the show, how were the characters developed, where did the show soar and when did it fall flat? Tune in to find out. Warning: spoilers ahead!
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For a more detailed look at the show, check out Ron’s extensive recaps at Show Snob. You can also learn more about the show’s successes and failures with Mon’s features at Collider: Falcon and the Winter Soldier: How the Flag-Smashers Highlight Marvel's Problem with Sympathetic Villains The Falcon and the Winter Soldier: The Show's 13 Greatest Moments How The Falcon and the Winter Soldier's Bucky Barnes Is a Positive Representation of Expats Listen to the episode on Anchor.
[Continuum by Audionautix plays]
Ron: Welcome to a new Stereo Geeks Special! This week, we’re talking about The Falcon and the Winter Soldier! I'm Ron.
Mon: And I’m Mon. Please be warned, we will be covering all six episodes of the show, and yes, there will be spoilers. If you haven't watched the show yet, check it out and then come back.
Ron: So, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Thoughts?
Mon: Well, remember how we felt after Disney Investor Day, when the trailer came out? People were hyped. You and I were worried. We thought that some of the bro-y relationship stuff was a little bit manufactured. We were worried that Disney was, as always, trying to sell us something which they wouldn't deliver. I gotta say, they proved us wrong.
Ron: I was very tentative about the series, especially because we did really enjoy WandaVision. That show was quite different. It wasn't trying to be just an extension of the MCU. The Falcon and the Winter Soldier definitely feels grounded in the mythos of the MCU. The visuals are very similar. The musical motifs are exactly from the movies that we've already seen. I think the trailer made it look a particular way, which kind of put us on the backfoot. I'm glad that the show actually didn't follow through with that tone.
Mon: Yeah, me too. I think with the trailer, we were worried that there was going to be this 80s, macho vibe, and considering that neither of these characters so far, Sam Wilson/ the Falcon, and Bucky Barnes/ the Winter Soldier, they've been really great characters all this while in the MCU. Yes, they’ve been side-characters, they really haven't been developed that much, so I was a little bit worried that the moment they’d get the spotlight, we're going to see them out of character. Thankfully, we did not.
Ron: In fact, I was actually quite surprised that throughout the six episodes they refer to so many aspects of the films, and give us more insight into events that would have happened probably in the background, and I didn't expect that, in all honesty. So, shall we break it down episode by episode and review it that way?
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So, we start off with ‘New World Order’. This opening episode takes place six months after the events of Avengers: Endgame. Steve is gone. The mantle of Captain America is kind of up in the air. Sam is actually trying to take care of family stuff and Bucky is in therapy. I think for a lot of fans, and for us, as well, it was like, at the end of Endgame when Steve handed the shield to Sam, even though Sam was a little bit tentative, he was going to become Captain America. For ‘New World Order’ to actually have him not do that, that quite a departure from expectation.
Mon: But I guess the name of the show itself kind of signposted that. We kept wondering why it's called The Falcon and the Winter Soldier and not Captain America and the Winter Soldier, and it explains that. Because Sam is just not comfortable adopting this moniker. I guess in a way you could say he's not comfortable with that because of his own identity. I think it was kind of just thrusted on him, and he's trying to get used to the fact that he doesn't even have Steve in his life, and now he has to step into Steve’s shoes; it's a lot for one person to take in. Also, he literally just came back to life. It's too much!
Ron: And also, I think the reason why it's a little bit more burdensome for Sam is because Steve Rogers/ Captain America would have been an icon when he was in the military, and it just so happens that he becomes his friend, but for Sam, Steve Rogers was Captain America. It didn't make sense for there to be a Captain America without Steve Rogers. But for us as fans, we were like, what? No! Sam, you have to be the new Captain America. It made sense to us but for him it didn't make sense. And I thought that was interesting. It was not what we're expecting, especially for Sam's growth throughout the MCU. He has become an Avenger!
But then, that ending. Apparently, a lot of people knew that John Walker was going to be in the show and Wyatt Russell was going to be playing him, and I was just like, what? Because I never remember any of these things, so everything is a surprise to me. So, you have this whole thing with Sam giving up the shield, and it being put in this beautiful glass case, and there's this whole Smithsonian exhibit for Steve. And you can feel, you know, there's a lot of emotion and stuff. And we get a scene with Rhodey, which is great. I mean, Don Cheadle, is awesome as Rhodey and it's always great to see him. He’s only in that one scene, though, and I was just like, why? And then we have this moment, when it's being announced that the government has chosen a new Captain America, and this white dude who looks like the guy from Up, turn’s up and he's holding Steve’s shield! That really was like a dagger to the heart. And I thought it was very well done.
Mon: I thought so too. Even though we knew US Agent was going to join the show, and that US agent is actually John Walker, and in the comics, he has taken on the moniker of Captain America. I feel like despite knowing all that, the way the scene plays out, it's still so heartbreaking because we're looking at it through Sam's eyes, and he has, out of the goodness of his own heart, relinquished the title of Captain America. He's relinquished this shield which belonged to his friend, and the government just took that as, oh, we can do whatever we want with it. It was just a really well played out scene, even though it was pretty wordless.
Ron: Yeah, and I think the reason why it works is because throughout the first episode, we are seeing the problems that Sam and his sister are having because they are a Black family in America. And that's not something that has been touched on in the MCU. It's kind of like just happening in the background, it doesn't seem to affect the actual heroes. And here we see that, a hero or not, they still have problems. They can't get a bank loan! And the guy, on the one hand is like, I want a selfie with the Falcon, on the other hand, he's like, oh, you don't have any records for the last five years. Yeah, but he's been dead for five years! How's he gonna show you anything? And with this really infuriating scene, obviously the ending just made everything worse because you're like, oh okay so this is how Black hero gets treated. And this white guy from nowhere just gets handed one of the most symbolic icons in the country. So, it's quite an interesting start.
Mon: Yeah, I have to say. And we haven't even talked about the amazing opening action sequence with the Falcon. It is breathtaking. It really captured that original feeling that we had when the Falcon first took flight in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. And the production values were fantastic. We knew this was gonna happen, but still.
Ron: I think what surprised me about that opening action scene was that this was not TV quality. I think it's pretty good that Marvel is actually pouring in that kind of money into its limited series, and TV shows. It's kind of sad that they're doing it now, when Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. was on for seven seasons, we had all the Defenders shows, and they never got a look-see; they were always in the periphery, they were always on the outside. These are very intrinsically tied into the MCU and they've got a much bigger budget.
Mon: They’ve also got more eyeballs on them. I'm just saying.
Ron: Yeah, well, let's see what happens.
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Mon: Yeah, totally. So, I think let's go into the second episode and we can talk a little bit more about Bucky, because his introduction into the show was a bit underwhelming and it sort of picks up from the second episode. So, ‘Star-Spangled Man’. This song, this title is synonymous with Steve Rogers. Not anymore! Because John Walker literally has this gigantic parade where they're singing an updated version of this song. And it's so dissociative, the entire experience of seeing somebody who is very obviously not Steve Rogers in the Captain America outfit, enjoying the crowd, greeting the crowd, and this song’s going on. I have to say, the showrunners do a really good job of tugging on that nostalgia that we have for the first Captain America film, while also hitting us in the gut with this realization that, yes, this is a new world order.
Ron: And it's so manipulative, right? The government obviously knows that the ‘Star-Spangled Man’ song was associated with Steve, and they've just taking that, and they're like, oh, it doesn't matter if there's a new person who's Captain America, the song still belongs to him. But Captain America was synonymous with Steve and has been all this while. And they’re going around just thrusting this person in our faces. And then you have that first interview with John Walker and he's trying to come across as really nice, and he's talking about how Steve feels like a spiritual brother to him. And Bucky’s face when he's watching that is so funny. [laughs] Because he's just sitting there on the floor, open-mouthed like, what is this guy talking about?
I feel kind of bad because John never stood a chance. From that first shot of him at the very end of the first episode, we hated him. Mainly because the shield belonged to Sam. The name ‘Captain America; belongs to Sam. But in the second episode, even when the show was trying to humanize him, we see his wife, we see his best friend Lemar, it doesn't matter. We’re still like, give us our shield back! And it just goes downhill from there.
Mon: Yeah, absolutely. The one good thing about John Walker taking on the mantle of Captain America is that Bucky and Sam are finally reunited. As we learn in the first episode, apparently Bucky has not been replying to Sam's texts. I think it's amazing that Sam is taking his role as Bucky’s friend and protector really, really seriously. Because, let's be honest, Sam hates Bucky.
Ron: And Sam rightfully has every reason to hate Bucky. The amount of trouble he caused Steve and Sam. And Steve could at least stay alive because he had the serum in him. Sam was just a normal guy! As he said, when people are shooting at Steve, Sam is usually in the way. And Bucky was the reason why people were shooting at them! These are the little things that I really loved because Steve mattered to both of them. Of course, Sam is going to be the bigger man and try and keep in touch with Bucky, despite what Bucky put him through. For Bucky to be the one who's like, no, I'm not gonna talk to this guy, I'm just like, saying what?
Those are the little things about Bucky’s characterization in the first episode that didn't quite work for me. I like the fact that he's in therapy. That's good. I like the fact that he's been given a pardon; he helped save the planet. But him ignoring the last vestige of Steve's connection to him just doesn't make sense.
Mon: I also think that the idea that Bucky would go back to square one just because Steve has left, it didn't sit right with me. He's living in Brooklyn, which is his hometown, but his apartment has no furniture. He only has a TV. I think he has a cell phone.
Ron: Yeah, he has a really old-fashioned cell phone, right?
Mon: Yeah. He goes to therapy, and he tries to make ‘amends’. As we find out later, he's not making amends. He's avenging his wrongs. It felt disingenuous to sort of write Bucky like he’s stuck in one place, not reaching out to the people who care about him. And they sort of tried to do this thing where the only way Bucky gets out of this funk is through some romantic entanglement. So, he goes out on a date with a waitress and then he abandons her halfway through. In contrast with Sam, who had so much depth in the first episode, I couldn't wait for episode 2 Bucky, because episode 1 Bucky was kind of badly written.
Ron: Yeah, he didn't work for me either. The moment he’s with Sam again in the second episode, things are much better. And I felt like it was a bit like Bucky doesn't work unless you have that direct MCU connection. Throughout the first episode, that's not really there. Like yes, we get a few flashbacks to the Winter Soldier and that sort of thing, but until he's with Sam, those other parts of Bucky’s life just don’t work.
Mon: Yeah, I was really happy when he confronted Sam in the second episode, and then that's it, they’re stuck together. After that, it really worked. They banter with each other, they do not get along, but they’re very good at working together. They're not a well-oiled machine, because as soon as the bad guys, the Flagsmashers get in their way, Bucky is totally stuck.
Ron: And they don't listen to each other. They go in different directions; they get into trouble. They have the added tension of John Walker and Lemar Hoskins turning up and actually doing a better job at fighting the Flagsmashers. Which is annoying, but also you kinda understand it because John and Lemar are good at fighting together. They've been fighting together for years. They're best friends. The reason why Steve and Bucky fought well together, Steve and Sam fought well together, is because he was best friends with both of them. Sam and Bucky? Disaster. And they end up losing that fight.
Mon: Yeah. With the second episode, again we’re sort of treading on eggshells with these two characters. But them being together and that chemistry between the two of them, it really works to get us interested in this show.
Ron: And the fact that the two of them have a common enemy, they both dislike John Walker, so that kind of ends up giving them a reason to bond. Because otherwise, I don't think they would have had a reason to actually speak to each other. And from then on, it becomes a lot smoother. And of course, by the end of ‘Star-Spangled Man’, we get another MCU character, Zemo. As far as I'm concerned, from all the MCU villains, Zemo was the only one who succeeded. It was definitely exciting to have Zemo back and we got to see a lot more of him in the third episode, ‘Power Broker’.
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The prison breakout was unexpectedly funny, especially because Bucky is kind of standing there telling Sam, hypothetically, if Zemo were to break out, this is how it would happen, and then he's actually made sure that Zemo did break out. And you’re like, why would you do that? We understand, Zemo hates super soldiers. He also knows a lot about super soldiers. The Flagsmashers are super soldiers. Ergo, we need Zemo’s help. But also, Zemo was the reason why the Avengers broke up. That man should stay in jail. But that dynamic between Zemo, Sam, and Bucky, I did not see that coming!
Mon: Same. I was definitely surprised but it really worked. Recasting Zemo as this rich Baron kind of made sense. Because he's not just rich, he is very cultured, he's very smart, he's very intelligent, in every scene that you see him, he's always the smartest guy in the room. Which is kind of annoying because he's the villain. He's also the kind of person who did really bad things because he was in a very bad place, and he had the facility to do it. I don't think at any point the writing makes us think that we can forgive this man. However, he is a means to an end, which is something that Bucky reiterates later on as well, but he's also really a fun character to hang out with, and he's really charming. They were really smart in bringing Zemo back and using him kinda as a plot device but also to bring some much needed levity to the show.
Ron: What I also liked about him being Baron Zemo in the show was that it retroactively explained how he managed to do everything that he did in Civil War. Because Zemo spends two years tracking Bucky, keeping an eye on the Avengers, and there's no way he could have done that if he didn't have money. I remember when we were watching it, we were like, how has he been able to do all this? Like he's traveling around the world, he's learning these languages. How's it possible for somebody who's just an ordinary person to have saved up that much money? So, now it makes sense. But it doesn't take away the fact that when the battle in Sokovia happened, he did lose his family, so his need for vengeance kind of made sense. It's just that at the end of it the Avengers did break up. And Thanos would not have won had Zemo not won.
Mon: Right. This is so true. We're definitely always going to fight Zemo’s corner, because way too many people ignore the fact that he was a very successful, very smart, villain.
Ron: I think among the fans who love villains like Loki. I mean, Loki is great. We love that character, of course. But you don't need to be as grandiose or as flamboyant as Loki to make a difference. Zemo was very quiet about it. He was just an ordinary guy. That's why he was successful. You don't think that a regular guy is going to be able to break up the Avengers. But he was meticulous about it. He was very determined. And he got what he wanted. So, it’s interesting after all that to see him back here and Bucky springs him from jail. And you can never trust him, but he also doesn't do anything terrible.
Mon: Yeah, I mean, he shoots one scientist because he's the only person who knows how to make super-soldier serum, which I completely understand, because Zemo really hates super soldiers, so of course, he wants to make sure that there is no possibility of anybody making the serum after the scientist. In general, it seemed like throughout the course of this episode, every time Zemo had a chance to escape, he didn't. He always came back. Of course, it's a good thing he did because otherwise we would never have been introduced to MCU Madripoor, which has got to be everybody's favorite MCU destination now.
Ron: Madripoor has a long history in the Marvel Comics. It’s usually associated with the X-Men. So, a lot of people were excited thinking that this means that the X-Men will be coming. Now, both WandaVision and The Falcon and the Winter Soldier have kinda hinted at the X-Men somewhere. But they still don't have definitive proof. On the one hand, people are like, we've had so many X-Men movies, and so many of them sucked. Maybe, just let it go. On the other hand, we don't want the MCU to be like, we’ll dip into the X-Men pot, just take some of those stories, those locations, those characters. But let's not actually do anything with the X-Men. I hope that they don't do that. Maybe they are paving the path for the X-Men’s final arrival into the MCU.
Mon: I think the Marvel executives are going to be really smart about how they use the X-Men, and how they introduce the X-Men. Because they have this 20-year knowledge of where the X-Men went right, where they went wrong. They are sussing out the fan reaction. They already have the phase four slate for the MCU. They already have Fantastic Four lined up. They're not gonna thrust the X-Men on us. Not so fast. They're gonna wait for an opening. So, I know, we’re all excited, but what they’re doing right now is that they're giving us a feel of the Marvel Comic universe through these screen properties, but they're eking it out. I think they're being really smart.
Ron: Yeah, I guess so. I think the Madripoor setting was really exciting. However, I was really disappointed that Marvel went the same route as so many properties before it and had this extremely Southeast-Asian aesthetic, and there was not a single Southeast-Asian person in sight in Madripoor. Now, this has been a problem for a really long time, from Blade Runner to Firefly—euggh—in 2021, to have a Marvel property do that, that was really frustrating. I know a lot of people are upset. Whenever we do return to Madripoor, hopefully they will have more people who are actually from Southeast-Asia.
Otherwise, the setting was really exciting. It was quite different from what we've seen in the MCU. It was quite rugged and a bit scary, a bit quirky. That drink that Sam had to drink. Very brave of him. But Zemo was completely in his element over there, and that was an interesting sight to see, because he wasn't really in charge on all this while. But yeah, the outfits? Hilarious.
Mon: What I liked about it is that Zemo’s in charge, but he sort of knows when to defer to both Sam and Bucky. But also, the way Sam and Bucky fall in line with what Zemo is doing because this is his area of expertise. Sam is dressed in this flamboyant outfit because he's pretending to be some other guy, the Smiling Tiger. [laughs] As Sam says, even his name sucks. He's apparently wearing heels, which is really hilarious. I really wish we'd been able to see how high his heels were because he can't run in them. And Bucky he has to pretend to be the Winter Soldier again and a Winter Soldier who is working for Zemo. I just really like the entire feel of it because it's really quite uncomfortable knowing that Zemo’s they guy in charge, and Sam and Bucky are quite helpless. But you also know that Zemo can't really push his boundaries too much because he's at their mercy, too. So, this amazing little dynamic between these three characters really brought this entire episode to life. There was so much hype after this episode because people were kind of in love with the whole aesthetic, and the whole feel of it, which we haven't really had in the MCU that much. There's an intensity but also a levity. They really played it well.
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And then of course, we finally meet Sharon Carter, who's been on the run, and is now living in Madripoor. She's kind of exiled there, her family don't know where she is. But she still helps Sam and Bucky, which is great. We see her living in Hightown. She's living it up. She's got all these art pieces which she's selling to her ‘buyers’. Of course, we find out so much more about Sharon later on.
She gets this awesome action sequence. And I have to say, it is such a surprise. When Sharon leads the three guys to meet the scientist who has the super-soldier serum, she's the only one on the outside, and there are goons after goons coming at her. And she is just knocking them dead. She's pretty brutal, which is kind of scary, because we have not seen that level of brutality in the MCU proper. We're not talking about the Netflix stuff which has its moment. She's very obviously shooting people and really harming them. But it was impressive to see a female character hold her own. She wasn't suddenly rescued by anyone. She wasn't asking for any help. She's just a one-person army; it was really impressive.
Ron: I think the reason why the fight scene also stood out was because Sharon really hasn't had that much to do in the MCU. She's been kind of pigeonholed into the love interest, who helps out, and it also shows us how much she's changed. The Sharon Carter that we see in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is a different person from who she was in Winter Soldier, in Civil War. And she's hurting. She didn't get the pardons, the life that Sam and Bucky got. Winter Soldier, who changed the course of history, he gets a pardon. Sharon Carter, who was helped Steve Rogers help Bucky, no pardon.
Mon: Forgotten! Even worse! So, it really does make us wonder what these guys were all doing. Can we say the Avengers were just so depressed, so grief-stricken themselves that they forgot about the other people? Whoever wasn't in their vicinity in Wakanda was just forgotten? That’s the only thing I can think of. Like, why would Steve forget Peggy Carter's niece, his friend, maybe love-interest, who knows, why would you forget her? I mean the only thing I can think of is that Steve saw Bucky die, he didn't even see Sam die, he could, of course, assume that, and then that's it. He was just like okay, we lost, and he was just broken after that. That’s my only thought.
Ron: I can't really think of anything else as a reason. From what we saw in Endgame, it seemed like the Avengers kind of closed ranks and focused on the big problems, the major issues. Even with Ronin, Clint Barton was just going around the world decimating these cartels and Yakuza or whatever, and that was going on for a while. And it was only when they needed Clint to come in that they actually went to look for him. Until then, it was just like, oh, this is a problem. Should you be doing something about it? He's an Avenger who's killing people who had nothing to do with what's going on in the world. So, I feel like a lot of people did get left behind, and Sharon Carter, unfortunately, was one of them.
Mon: Yeah, it’s really disappointing.
Ron: So, I guess it's not surprising though that her trajectory ends up the way it does in this show.
Mon: Yeah, I agree with you.
Ron: We don't actually get to see much of that. And in ‘Power Broker’ it's not even mentioned. You don't even realize that there's something off about Sharon, you just feel bad. And Sam and Bucky also feel bad. Sam immediately says, I can do something, I can fix this. And that's great, because that's his immediate reaction. Most of this episode is just a little bit of fun, really.
Mon: Yeah, I will say that this episode is probably a favorite among a lot of people because it is just so much fun. I would say that it's probably the one with the most glaring writing issues. Because Bucky explaining to Sam how he broke Zemo out is very clever, but where did Bucky have the time to plant all the keys and the clues for Zemo to get out? Where was the time? There's also a lot of other small things. Things like Sam saying, oh, it happens in every action movie. Sam wouldn't need to say that because he was literally a soldier. So was Bucky. So was Sharon. While that's a really fun scene, and an extremely fun dialogue, it just doesn't make sense in the context of these characters. So yeah, there's just a few little things here and there but honestly, it's such a fun episode that you won't even notice it.
Ron: Yeah, I'm actually surprised that Zemo of all people bring so much levity to the show, because he was downright scary in Civil War. So, this is really, really unexpected but also extremely enjoyable.
Mon: And I like that Daniel Brühl doesn't play him all hamfisted. He's not trying to be a caricature or he's not trying to be a comedic character, he's just playing Zemo as Zemo. It's just that the reactions of Zemo, and the reactions to Zemo, are what bring the levity, so that way, the combination of the writing, directing, and the performances really works.
Ron: So then we move on to Episode 4.
Mon: Quite a sea change, right, from Episode 3?
Ron: For the most part, ‘The Whole World is Watching’ kind of follows the similar levity, the tone, of the previous episode. We got to the Dora Milaje, which is really exciting because we weren't expecting any of the Wakandan references in The Falcon and Winter Soldier. And it was great that from the second episode, Bucky was talking about being in Wakanda. He tells Sam that his name is actually White Wolf, and Sam is actually surprised because he's like, ‘wait what, they named you something?’ And then we get to see Ayo. And she's not happy.
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I like the fact that there's an immediate connection with the events of Civil War. King T’Chaka was extremely important, he was king of Wakanda for so long. And the way he was taken from them was so arbitrary. And, of course, Zemo was at fault. But it's kind of part of the reason why you see in Black Panther that T’Challa doesn't really want to be going out there, because look what happened when they outside, right? But of course, everything with Killmonger makes him realize that outside Wakanda’s walls is a world that needs their resources. And we see a little bit of that here, with Ayo coming to meet Bucky and actually speaking to him about handing Zemo over.
What I really like is that Bucky and Ayo have the kind of relationship where Bucky can say, ‘I need this guy, he's a means to an end. Give me a little bit more time, then you can have him’. And Ayo is like, ‘Okay, I understand where you're coming from. You’re the White Wolf. You've been in Wakanda, we've seen what you went through, I can give you this time. But then after that, you have to stick to that deadline’. I love that Bucky’s connection with Wakanda is kind of explored in the show, because he was there for a long time, and they made such a difference to his life. They deconditioned him.
Mon: I felt like the level of trust between Ayo and Bucky was quite obvious between the two characters. And also the fact that they've obviously had a kind of professional connection for a long time in Wakanda. Ayo is a very strong warrior. After Okoye, there's probably nobody better. So, it seems like the Wakandans had placed a lot of emphasis on Ayo keeping an eye on Bucky when he was deconditioning. So, as you see in the beginning of this episode, she's the one who is there for the last test to make sure that, yes, the programming is gone. Because if the programming wasn't, then Ayo would at least be able to fight off the Winter Soldier. So, I really like that beginning, and the fact that that's not the only time we see the Dora Milaje. They come back later, so that's good.
This episode is a lot slower in pace. It feels kind of like a filler episode, because a lot of it could have been part of the previous and the next episodes, but it wasn't.
Again, Zemo he feels like the smartest guy in the room, but you get the feeling that with Sam and Bucky they're getting a bit tetchy now. They feel a bit close to the prize, they have a deadline looming and Zemo is just antagonizing them. One of my biggest issues with this episode was that Bucky and Sam don't obviously use their brains too much. They just go headfirst into stuff, whereas Zemo, he very calmly and coolly gets information because he's using his brains.
Ron: Clearly Steve Rogers was 90% of their impulse control.
Mon: Sure seems like it, because when they go into the refugee camp, looking for Karli Morgenthau, who is the primary antagonist of the series, they just go in there asking. Everybody knows who Sam Wilson is, everybody knows who Bucky Barnes is. Nobody is going to answer your questions. It's Zemo who gets the answers they're looking for. I think it’s really frustrating when you watch them doing silly things like that, because you're like, ‘they're smarter than that, surely’.
Ron: I could still maybe excuse Bucky, because he hasn't been Bucky in a long time. He's really just has been pulled into fights. But Sam has had to be tactical, so for him to kind of just go in there and try and ask questions, it doesn't make sense, because Sam is very sympathetic person, and he wants to understand why Karli is doing the things that she's doing. It just doesn't make sense the way they went about it in this episode.
Mon: That's true. I like the fact that Sam kind of tries his level best to see the best in Karli. When he finally talks to her, he tries to engage with her, but then again, there's this moment in there when John Walker and Lemar Hoskins, sort of barge in and interrupt Karli and Sam. And you're like, ‘but Bucky was standing in the doorway, stopping them. What happened? Like how did these two normal humans with one shield between them, push through a metal-armed supersoldier. It doesn't make sense sometimes.
Ron: It felt like there was a moment that wasn't shown to us. And I don't know why they would have done that because it does leave you with a lot of questions.
Mon: Yeah, it's like, did they convince Bucky that Sam was in danger? Did they convince Bucky that Sam was stupid? [Laughs] Like what like what did they do? Or did they do the whole Marty McFly thing?
Ron [Laughs]: And why would Bucky fall for that?
Mon: So, it really makes me wonder about some of the writing moments in this entire series.
I feel like this episode was going one way, and then suddenly Lemar Hoskins is killed, and the entire tone changes. Because not only is Lemar killed, and you really feel for John because Lemar is basically John's Bucky. Right? I mean if John was Steve Rogers that's exactly how we would have viewed the whole thing. And we know the kind of lengths that Steve has gone to, to save Bucky—in all three films. So, you see this, but then John just takes it a whole new level. And them sort of showing you how he kills this innocent Flag-Smasher—the same Flag-Smasher who earlier had said that he had looked up to Captain America—and now he's being killed by Captain America, the poetic irony of that is so horrible. And the fact that John is ruthless.
A lot of this episode is also about the parallels between John and Sam. So, where Sam is immediately not interested in the supersoldier serum, John, on the other hand, has a conversation with Lemar and then decides to take it.
Ron: But you can see from the very beginning that he's tempted by it. And then when he has that dust up with the Dora Milaje, who are just trained soldiers, they don't have any serum running through their blood, but they make chutney out of him. And he's shocked that these people just easily took him and Lemar down. That's when he really started thinking that there is no way that he can continue being Captain America if he doesn't have something extra.
Mon: Yeah, and I think that they didn't build up the fact that there is insecurity in John Walker. There are a few scenes where he's talking about he's not sure about this. He seems to be suggesting that some of that medals that he earned, he’s not proud of them, because of the actions that he took. We never are privy to what those were, and we don't need to be. We understand that these are burdens that weigh heavily on this man. But I feel like his relationship with the supersoldier serum, his relationship with the icon that is Captain America could have been built out more.
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Ron: Yeah.
Mon: Just so that we understood this character as more than the guy who stole Steve’s shield.
Ron: In the first two episodes, it seemed like he was just an ordinary soldier who's very happy to be defending the world as Captain America. You get these moments where he's trying to push his boundaries with people, especially with Bucky and Sam. He wants to be Captain America, and he wants, other people to fall in line with him. When Bucky and Sam don't do that then he's just like, ‘then don't get in my way’. It's very Black and white with him. Those moments happen fairly often, but in ‘The Whole World is Watching’ it felt like there was a lot more to him than just that. The way he's vacillating between whether he should continue letting Sam speak to Karli, or whether he should actually go in there and arrest her—he's so restless. He can't stand still, he's getting more and more agitated. These are not the reactions of somebody who should be getting the shield. But we don't really know why that is. And then once he gets the serum, and you see him kill the Flag-Smasher, you get the inkling that, okay, this man maybe should not have been given the all clear in his psych eval.
Mon: That's completely correct because when we start off the fifth Episode, ‘Truth’, we begin to realize that this is true. The truth is that he probably did not pass his psyche eval. By the way that John is trying to convince himself that, yes, he was in the right for killing this innocent Flag-Smasher, it's just frightening because that man, while he was dying was literally saying, ‘I'm innocent. I didn't do it’, and here's John standing there on his own, saying, ‘no, no, I was completely right, you know, he had to die’.
Ron: It's like he's convinced himself. And later on, in ‘Truth’, when he actually goes to speak to Lemar’s parents, they're obviously very very upset. They know John. These boys have most likely grown up together, because the parents, they are so loving towards John. And then they're like ‘the person you killed, he's the one who did this to our son?’ And John says ‘yes’. And I was just like, ‘did you just lie to these parents?’ I mean, on the one hand, you're like, what's he gonna say, he can't possibly tell them, ‘No I killed some other random dude and the actual person who killed your son, she's still out there.’ That's not what you want to tell grieving parents. But on the other hand, bare-facedly lying to people in grief, people who love you. I was just like, ‘wow this guy's off the deep end’.
Mon: Yeah, the fight scene that ensues right after the killing of the Flag-Smasher, is another reminder that this guy is not to be trifled with. Because he doesn't seem to have a moral code. His aim in life is to prove that he is Captain America. And I think that's the biggest problem with John. It parallels Sam's own reservations, right? He was stepping into somebody else's shoes. He was carrying somebody else’s shield. Hence, he was the better man who decided against picking up that mantle, because it didn't feel like it was his. John's been given this, and he was big-headed enough to believe that he deserved it. And we seem to see that there is a reason why these two characters are at opposing ends, and why one seems to deserve the shield over the other.
Ron: I would have liked to get some inkling of who John Walker was before Captain America came anyway near him. Because, especially in ‘Truth’, the way he keeps insisting, ‘I am Captain America’, it's almost like he's convincing himself, because maybe somewhere in the recesses of his mind he's realized what he just did, that's not the Captain America thing to do.
And of course, in the middle of it all, grief is in the mix. Lemar, obviously, was a huge part of his existence, and for him to die like that, it’s affected him. But him having taken the supersoldier serum, it's messed up a lot of what is already wrong with him.
What we know is that he did what he had to do as a soldier. He didn't like it, those acts have weighed very heavily on his mind, which is again making me wonder, how did he get chosen to be Captain America? Because this is not a man who sleeps soundly at night.
Watching the events of ‘The Whole World is Watching’ and the aftermath in ‘Truth’, you can see why Steve decided not to give Bucky the shield. He chose Sam, because from what we see in The Falcon and The Winter Soldier, John is as messed up as Bucky. But the government decided to give him the shield, and this is what's happened.
Mon: Bucky literally says in ‘The Whole World is Watching’ that John is crazy, and he knows that because he is crazy.
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Ron: Exactly. And there are now dead people.
Mon: Exactly. And one of the things that Sebastian Stan mentioned about Bucky, in the first film Captain America: The First Avenger, is that in his reading of Bucky, in some of the comic runs, he felt like Steve was the good guy, the morally high ground kind of guy. So, some of the dirty deeds were actually done by Bucky. So, as we see in Captain America: The First Avenger, Steve's going around knocking people with his shield, but Bucky’s the one with the sniper rifle. Bucky’s doing the dirty deeds, saving Captain America from that. The reason is that Captain America has clean hands. With John, he's already come in with dirty hands, and the adage that to be Captain America, you have to be a good man, everything you know about Sam Wilson tells us that he is one.
What we know of Sam, when he was part of the Project Falcon, is that he wasn't going around shooting people. For John and Bucky, will have the parallel that they were already killers. Bucky was a killer before he became the Winter Soldier.
Ron; Which is probably why he was such a good Winter Soldier.
Mon: That’s probably true. With ‘Truth’, all these truths come out and it's just so disturbing. Especially in the first fight scene when Sam and Bucky, who have been fighting for the shield, are literally at the receiving end of it. That fight scene was very reminiscent of the fight between Bucky, Steve and Tony in Captain America: Civil War. But, wow, this one is so brutal, like you can feel those punches.
Ron: I liked what they were doing here because you immediately know that in Civil War, those three were holding back because Steve and Tony were friends, Bucky knew that they were friends, so nobody was actually trying to murder each other. Here, it's not like that. Bucky and Sam are trying to protect each other, but John is trying to save his own bacon. He does not want his shield to be taken away, he does not want to lose being Captain America. And the way he fights for it, as you said, It's brutal.
Mon: Yeah.
Ron: He's not afraid to hurt these two.
Mon: Bucky can at least take it because he's a supersoldier. But poor Sam!
Ron: My gosh that poor land, he does get a beating, doesn't he?
Mon: Yeah. And he keeps getting back up, and he’s so deft with his wings, he uses them to perfection.
Ron: We haven't actually seen that kind of wing fighting in the MCU. He usually used his wings just to fly about. But the wings over here, they work so brilliantly. And the fact that he can get hit and still keep coming back. I thought that was really commendable, because he's just an ordinary guy. And even after that, he still doesn't want the serum.
One of the other aspects of the shield that, well, you probably didn't have to talk about it that much, but it was implied, is that the shield is the last remaining part of Steve Roger. So for Sam and Bucky, the shield is kind of sentimental in a way. And after John kills the Flag-Smasher with the shield, it’s the first time we see blood on the shield, and that's quite a striking and kind of a gory image.
What I liked in ‘Truth’ was that once Sam and Bucky, after having been beat down so many times and finally Sam's got the shield back; you see him kind of wiping the blood off the shield. That was such a touching moment. I like those bits.
Mon: That fight scene was really good because not only was it beautifully choreographed, but it really worked hard to develop character. And I think it's so hard because we do watch the shows and these films for the action, but sometimes the action just feels overlong and gratuitous. But this one, this particular fight scene, it did a lot to tell us so much about these characters. And I really appreciated the fact that even though we’re on the penultimate episode of the series, they were working hard to tell us something new about these people.
Ron: Yeah. So you have all these things happening and they kind of just have to give up. And there’s this really nice long sequence when they're in Louisiana. Then the tone completely changes with Sam going back to Louisiana to sister, and the two of them trying to fix the boat and then Bucky turns up, and you're like, ‘why are you here?’ I don't want to hang out together, but they do hang out together. And they're fixing the boat and you need those kinds of interludes. With the Marvel films, you don't have the time for that. You only really have two hours for the story and action. With a TV series you’ve got that time. It's basically a six-hour long movie so you've got a lot of time for that character building. And it's kind of sweet to see Sam and Bucky just trying to get closer to each other, but also accepting the fact that the reason why they’re connected is gone. So, it works.
You also get this very long montage of Sam learning how to use the shield. And you see him training and stuff, not all of it worked for me.
Mon: Oh really?
Ron: Yeah because, why do we need to see Sam training? He’s a soldier. He's already well-built, it makes sense to see him train with the shield because it's Vibranium, it's not made to be caught by a normal person. So it does take him a bit of practice, but him doing, you know, the whole Rockymontage sequence, it didn't quite make sense. Because he’s already there. It's just that this one specific skill he needs to work on. But by the end of it you know what's going to happen. We just don't know how it's going to happen.
So then we go into the finale, ‘One Word One People’. And that's the motto of the Flag-Smashers. I guess they're a Marvel villain. I'm actually surprised that in the six episodes they weren’t as well constructed as they should have been.
Karli Morgenthau is a villain ™. There's no reason why she should be. The Flag-Smashers’ goal is to bring the world together without boundaries, as it was during the days the Blip. And for that reason they're bad people? And the show kind of makes it so that we feel like that because Karli randomly blows up people. And yes, these are strategic targets, but the victims are just ordinary people just doing their jobs. And there's no reason why she has to do it. I think that with the Flag-Smashers the show really struggled. And I would say, it kind of failed.
Mon: Especially in the final episode, it seemed like the showrunners just want to double down on the fact that the Flag-Smashers are bad, you shouldn't be rooting for them. I think we were really let down by those characters, and their entire arc. They sort of all died and then that was it.
Ron: Yeah, especially because, think of the optics. You have Karli Morgenthau, who’s played by Erin Kellyman, who’s a biracial Black woman, and she's the bad guy? And she's the bad guy for wanting to bring the world together. It just doesn't look right. And had we had a bit more time to understand them, maybe we could have felt something, but you're just like, ‘why are you telling me how to feel about these people?’ And it really did feel like that.
Mon: Because Sam believes in her and believes that she's got good in her, but nothing she does seems that way. Aside from the first episode where they were seemingly ferrying vaccines to refugee camps. After that she really went downhill.
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Ron: It was 0-100.
Mon: Yeah. Again, with Marvel villains, it's always like that.
Ron: And it doesn't make sense for this particular group to be like that, which was frustrating.
Mon: I felt like, with Karli, maybe if she'd had more screen time or some better writing, if we had understood her anger along with her goal and her mission. It’s just that she kept telling us that these people are terrible, these things that they're doing are terrible, we just didn't have enough background or context for why she's feeling this way, and why she's feeling such animosity that she's going around killing innocent people.
Ron: Yeah.
Mon: In that sense I would say the finale fell flat.
Ron: Yeah, I mean the rest of the action was fantastic, absolutely brilliant. Sam, having the Falcon wings, and the shield and fighting with both of them, it looked so good. We haven't seen action like that. I don't know how they shot it, but it looked really great.
Mon: And his costume is so close to the comic book, and it works.
Ron: Yeah.
Mon: It really works. I kind of wish we'd seen Sam and Bucky fighting together. That was the only thing I really really missed because Bucky goes off on his own, and after some time he is working with US Agent, well John Walker, before he’s US Agent. But Sam's off on his own for the most part. And while he's really smart, and he's really good as Captain America, I just wanted to see them fight side by side.
Ron: Yeah, that would have been nice. And Sharon Carter kind of comes in, but she doesn't really do much. And you're like, ‘why is she holding back?’ Then we find out that she's actually the Power Broker. There were rumors from like two, three episodes ago that she might be. I don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I get it. She's upset. She has been abandoned, she's lost everything she knew. Of course, she's going to do whatever she can to get some power. On the other hand, really?
Mon: It doesn't sit right with me.
Ron: It seems really unfair to Sharon Carter.
Mon: Yeah. There are so few women characters in the MCU, as it is, and you've got one good person, Sharon, she's a bad guy?
And also, we don't know the depths that the Power Broker has gone to, we don't know how powerful the Power Broker is. So, it's hard to gauge, just how scared we should be of Sharon's transformation.
Ron: With Sharon and whatever trajectory she's on and Karli, having been killed. I wonder why there's this dichotomy between who gets redemption and who doesn't. The Winter Soldier really did mess up a lot of things. But somehow, Bucky is getting to live a life. And by the end of the series, he's pretty much with the Wilsons now, he's part of the family. But Karli has to have died.
Mon: Well, the only difference between Karli and the Winter Soldier is that Bucky didn't have much of a choice in what he did as the Winter Soldier. So, in that case, he can be forgiven. He was literally brainwashed, he did not have any control over it, so I can understand that dichotomy, that's fine. But I just don't understand the evolution of Sharon. Because Karli I felt like they really wanted us to care about this character but they never wrote her as someone we should care about. But Sharon, she's a comic book character who we all are familiar with. She's always been Captain America's girlfriend. And she's been on the right side of Marvel comic books. So, for her to evolve into somebody who could potentially be a huge threat, that's the only worrying part. And we will be seeing her again?
Ron: Well, apparently, there's going to be a second season for the show. Captain America 4 is also happening with Anthony Mackie as Captain America. I don't know whether we will see the character from this show turn up in the movie, but the second season, we could see more of Sharon Carter, maybe even more of Zemo, and the Countess, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, which was a surprise I guess?
I don't know, people were making like a big deal about it, and I was just like, ‘why wouldn't you be in a Marvel role?’ Her kids are probably really excited about it?
Mon: I feel like that part of it is going to be interesting, but it's never going to be the compelling pull for me, because for me, I just want to see Sam and Bucky being Sam and Bucky. I want to see them evolving and growing and just hanging out together. Action, fight scenes that's what we got this season. We saw Sam grow; we saw Bucky grow. We saw them come together; come closer. I just really like that.
And in the end when the title card changes from The Falcon and The Winter Soldier to Captain America and The Winter Soldier, I was squealing with glee.
Ron: Yeah, and that's what we were wondering from the beginning of the show right? Why isn't it Captain America and The Winter Soldier, well, now we know why.
I still don't know why he still the Winter Soldier, though? Is he gonna reclaim that name? Maybe, who knows?
But yeah, this show was interesting because it gives us more of two characters who we do care about who haven't had the opportunity to grow in the films. So yes, they needed this platform. But the other characters like John, now he’s US Agent, how come he's not in prison, I still don't know. But for some reason he's out there. Sharon, really, I just don't understand why they've had to go in to make her a bad guy mode.
The character I am excited for is Joaquin Torres, played by Danny Ramirez. Joaquin is from the comics. He's Falcon in the comics. His design in the comics that I've read are kinda creepy.
Mon: Oh!
Ron: Yeah, because he's an actual like part Falcon.
Mon: Ugh, I really hope he doesn't turn into a part Falcon.
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Ron: I hope they don't go with that design either. But we did see him kind of get the suit from Sam, so maybe he will become Falcon. I do love him geeking out over Sam from the very first episode. It's very sweet, and it's a really nice way to introduce a character.
We haven't been able to talk about Isaiah Bradley, played by Carl Lumbly. Isaiah Bradley is a character from the comics.
Mon: So, Isaiah was introduced in a limited comic run, where he was part of a regiment of Black soldiers who were experimented on. And when the government decided to abandon them, he stole the Captain America suit and tried to save them. And for his efforts, he was unfortunately imprisoned and experimented on even more. His story in the TV show is a little bit different. In fact, the way they've written his character and his actions, parallel Steve's. It’s exactly the way he tried to save Bucky and his regiment. It's really heartbreaking, especially because we know about the Tuskegee Airmen who were also kind of forgotten by history, and a lot of Isaiah’s story is based on those forgotten heroes.
I am so glad that after that little snippet that we saw in the second episode, he did come back and his story was expanded on and Sam’s connection with Isaiah was also expanded. And that was really good because I was a little bit confused initially as Bucky he knew him, and he dragged Sam there and Isaiah was really upset. He seemed to be agitated at the sight of Bucky. I was thinking like, ‘what is Bucky doing?’ But the last two episodes where Sam meets Isaiah, I feel like he was able to form a sort of bond with him. And in the final episode he really seemed to thaw that cold heart of his.
Ron: Yeah, I felt like Sam meeting Isaiah gave him the impetus to become Captain America, even though Isaiah didn't want him to take on the mantle. So, Sam had a lot to think about. And it was good to get that other perspective, because for Sam, getting the Captain America shield from John Walker was really important. But why Isaiah and people like Isaiah would not want Sam to take on a mantle that was imbedded in oppression did make sense, but in the end, it was Sam's choice. It will be interesting to see how the fourth film explores what it means for Sam to actually be Captain America.
Through Isaiah we also get Eli, his grandson, and in the comics, Eli is Patriot, who is also part of Sam's group. So, maybe, Elijah Richardson who was playing, Eli has hinted that maybe there’s a future for his character. Who knows.
A lot of people are really excited because it seems like the makings of the Young Avengers has been in the works. A lot of the characters have been introduced by now, but who knows, we haven't got any confirmation yet. Let's not get excited. But it'll be great to see something like that.
On the whole, this show was surprisingly enjoyable. It was a bit darker than I expected. I really did think that it would be more bantery and fun. I didn't mind the dark bits. I think they worked well. Certain characters worked better for me—Isaiah was definitely a highlight. I love Sam and his sister Sarah. The glimpses we got of the Dora Milaje were lots of fun. Bucky, initially, I really wasn't sure about him, but it got a lot better. Sharon, she's doing a good job with what she's got. But I don't know what the future holds. I really wish it wasn't in the darker direction that it's apparently going.
John Walker, it looks like that guy's gonna be hanging around. He's probably going to be a thorn in Captain America’s side, that’s for sure. A second season would definitely be welcome. And I think it will be needed. Whereas with WandaVision, it works as a whole. The Falcon and The Winter Soldier, now Captain America and The Winter Soldier, it probably needs a bit more time for some of these characters. But otherwise, surprisingly enjoyable.
Mon: Yeah, I really like the show. I would go as far as to say, I actually really loved it. Yeah, there were some writing issues. And I will admit that yes the villains were under done—they were very formulaic which, honestly, the first episode seemed to suggest that they weren't going to be, so that was really disappointing. But if you came here for Sam and Bucky, you are going to get Sam and Bucky, and they are great; they are fantastic. It seems like Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan seem to be really enjoying playing these characters and fleshing them out, which is great. I mean at the end of it, it seems like the two of them, as characters, have really formed a bond. They seem to have accepted that Bucky is just part of the Wilson family, and it's great because he's been kind of on his own all this while. And for whatever reasons, Steve wasn't able to give him that family feeling, because Steve himself was a man out of time, Sam isn't, so it was really nice to see these characters get a platform, and then really grow into it. I would honestly love to see a second season, I would love to see a second season, and Captain America 4.
Ron: Yeah.
Mon: Because I can't get enough of these characters. So please Marvel, keep at it.
Ron: What did you think of The Falcon and The Winter Soldier? We'd love to hear from you.
You can find us on Twitter @Stereo_Geeks. Or send us an email [email protected]. We hope you enjoyed this Episode. And see you next week!
Mon: The Stereo Geeks logo was created using Canva. The music for our podcast comes courtesy Audionautix.
[Continuum by Audionautix plays]
Transcription by Otter.ai, Ron, and Mon.
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themurphyzone · 4 years
Text
PatB Oneshot: A Whole New World
AN: Well I did have an angst story in mind which I do have a basic outline for but I feel like I gotta balance some of the more despair-driven stories with some fluff.
I decided to use a HC I posted a few days ago: That Pinky would serenade Brain with A Whole New World. Just with a small modification to help the story flow better. Cause it’s cute and adorable and just let them be happy please.
FFN
Pinky loved endings. Happy endings, teary endings, pencil endings. They were just fun to chew on even if they left a rubbery taste in his mouth!
And when Aladdin and Jasmine kissed on a starlit night filled with fireworks and flew off on their magic carpet, it was so magicafantastical! Or was the right word beauwondersicle? And then the moon turned out to be the Genie the entire time! He never would’ve guessed!
The moon outside was just as big and beautiful as the one in the movie, except it was made of cheese instead of genies. And there was a funny face in the cheese too. Maybe a moon mouse carved it so earth mice would have something to laugh at and brighten up their nights!
That was really kind of them to help cheer Brain up. And hard work deserved a reward! What kind of cheeses and scented soaps did moon mice like?
Making a gift basket would have to be number lollipop on his to-do list though. For now, there was a lovely reprise of A Whole New World. It was such a romantic song, and it didn’t take long before Pinky was swaying and humming along to Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle’s vocals.
The counter was a magic carpet, and the walls twinkled with countless stars. Pinky let his movements flow like a gentle breeze, making sure to keep his limbs tucked inside the magic carpet at all times.
A body cuddling close, warm compared to the cool night air. The warmth spread through his chest, making him tingly and melty and a thousand other things at once, like the time he’d tried plugging a broken cord from one of Brain’s whatchamajigs into an outlet and gotten shocked. Only this was a good tingly and not a painful one.
“Pinky, put me down at once!” a hand clamped around Pinky’s snout and yanked insistently.
Pinky stood on his tiptoes as the song went into the next verse, and the next tug made him slip and tumble. Pinky laughed as his face smooshed against the countertop.
There was an ‘oof’ from underneath him, which was a strange sound for his tummy to make. It usually made more of a ‘gurgurgur’ noise.
“Zort! Tummy, you’ve got it all wrong!” Pinky scolded. “You’re supposed to growl and grumble like something that’s good at being growly and grumbly!”
Pinky had eaten his dinner during the movie, but his tummy growled anyway.
“That’s a good one, tummy! You sound almost exactly like Brain!” Pinky giggled. He arched his back, bending his head so he could get a good look at his tummy, but sneezed when his nose brushed against the fur on Brain’s chubby head.
Brain scowled, fixing Pinky with his best warning glare. “Pinky, if you don’t let me up in the next five seconds, I shall have to hurt you after I finish hurting you for pulling me into your ridiculous dance.”
Pinky stepped aside and helped Brain up, giggling at how Brain’s face resembled a tomato. Brain could turn his entire face red, and Pinky wondered how he could make his own face turn different colors. Maybe a nice indigo? That was his favorite crayon after all.
And so were aquamarine and periwinkle and scarlet and maroon and…well, picking a favorite crayon was harder than he thought. They were all fun colors!
And a sharp pain to his head let him see even more colors. Olive green, smiley face yellow, and there was even a pretty chartreuse!
“Narf…” Pinky murmured, transfixed by all the swirling hues.
Pinky stumbled, landing flat on his face again. After a few seconds, his head stopped swirling and he could see Brain setting his pen down and trying to rub the red out of his face.
“Zort! I saw so many colors! You should try it sometime!” Pinky exclaimed.
Brain shoved his hands into his pockets, and Pinky remembered that he kept meaning to ask Brain about that because he wasn’t wearing pants.
“I’ll have to decline your offer, Pinky,” Brain replied, his fur back to its usual white. “I’m still debating if I should be more concerned about the objects you put into your mouth.”
“Don’t worry, it was just food pellets. We’re all out of moldy cheese and lint balls, remember?” Pinky said.
“Thank you for proving my point,” Brain muttered as he hit the off button on the remote. The cheery music from a car commercial faded away.  
“You’re welcome, Brain!”
Brain grabbed Pinky by the arm and half-dragged, half-led him across the counter to where a notepad was propped up by a stack of books for supersmart mice. Great pictures, but how did x get lost from the rest of the letters and wind up in Numberland anyway? It was a mystery that Pinky still hadn’t solved.
“It’s time to focus on tonight’s plan,” Brain declared, lightly tracing a series of music notes with a pencil. “We’ll broadcast our hypnotic emotional song across the airwaves. This song contains lyrics with double meanings designed to pull at a human’s natural curiosity. They’ll have to listen many times in order to understand what I desire to accomplish, and with each repetition, the suggestion will continue to grow until every human on earth comes to the lab on bended knee and a willingness to make me their ruler.”
“Egad, Brain! Brilliant!” Pinky clapped his hands in delight, grinning when he caught a small lopsided ‘I know I’m smart’ smile on Brain’s face. “Oh wait, didn’t we already try this with Spinatra?”
Brain waved his hand dismissively. “Already accounted for. I was too concerned with vocals in that plan. The background instrumentals will have a much more important role this time. I’m even including a swelling crescendo and key change towards the end.”
Pinky gasped. “That poor croissant! It needs cream to help with that swelling!”
“I need cream for the headache you’re inevitably going to cause,” Brain sighed.
“Does this mean you’re singing again? Can you sing it right now?” Pinky asked. “Cause I love it when you sing, Brain!”
Brain squirmed, the redness creeping into his face again. He was funny about singing, acting like he didn’t enjoy it. If the world ruler thing didn’t pan out, then singing would be a great back-up career. Pinky could just picture it!
Brain Maine, the blond international singing sensation whose stage name was a US state for some reason who dealt with normal people things like being a genetically altered lab mouse in his private life!
“We’ll broadcast the song over the radio,” Brain said, avoiding Pinky’s eyes while he busied himself by adding several squiggly lines into the margins around his lyrics. “Yes, this plan requires me to sing. As for your other question…”
He trailed off, mumbling something Pinky couldn’t make out.
Pinky raised a hand to his ear, wondering if he needed to clean it again. He could never find the Q-tips though. “Sorry, Brain. Didn’t quite catch that. Did you say they’re making Goodnight Moon into a Jelly Belly flavor? Because I don’t think paper and jelly beans go well together, poit.”
“No, Pinky,” Brain scowled. “I’m at an impasse. My lyrics are thought-provoking and profound. My notations are highly technical and intricate, logically designed to invoke a strong emotional reaction in listeners based on precedents set by great composers and music theorists in the past. But for all this excellence, I haven’t been able to organize my lyrics into a configuration that will appeal to the auditory pathways.”
Pinky blinked. He knew Brain liked to hide behind big words. That was just how he played hide-and-seek, like how Pinky enjoyed hiding in a paper towel roll. “That’s a lotta big words, Brain. I just want a teensy tiny sneak peek of the song. Unless you still need time on that part. That’s okay, I’ll just run on my wheel while I wait.”
Brain sighed as he crossed out several music notes. “Precisely, Pinky. I’m well-versed in being objective. However, objectivity falls short when a plan hinges on people’s…feelings. The final product needs to be emotional, but I can’t induce a reaction until I know what sounds will produce a maximum effect!”
He threw down the pencil and kicked it away.
Pinky tilted his head, taking in the numerous edits spread over the page. Brain really poured his heart out for these pretty-looking words. Like his heart just tipped out of his chest and he was trying to cover it up again while scolding it for being visible in the first place. And being upset because he couldn’t find the tune for his heart’s song.
Wait…
A heartsong!
“Just like the penguins who saved the South Pole with the power of tap dancing and singing and Robin Williams!” Pinky exclaimed, grabbing Brain by the shoulders. Brain tried to shrug him off, but Pinky clung on. “Brain, that’s what you need! A tune for your heartsong!”
“Pinky, now you’re just babbling,” Brain said, crossing his arms and leaning back as far as he could without falling over. “And don’t describe my hard work as a ‘heartsong’. You’re making it sound like sentimental sap.”
“Sounds delicious!” Pinky replied. “But all you need is just a little inspiration, Brain! Let me help you find a tune so you can feel everything and help the world feel your song too! Please with a maraca cherry on top?”
“Maraschino cherries, as much as it pains me to acknowledge such a childish form of pleading,” Brain corrected. “I assume you’re not letting this, or by extension, me…go until I indulge you.”
“Nope!” Pinky said.
“Very well. I resign myself to whatever you have in your unconventional mind, Pinky.”
                                                  O – O – O – O – O
In the end, the setup was just a stereo and a Disney CD with their most popular movie songs. Pinky had decided against wearing his fedora, since Brain didn’t seem to care for his Donald O’Connor impression very much.
Since the CD case had a coffee stain on it that prevented him from finding the song number, Pinky took a moment to listen to the first few notes of each song before pressing the next button. As much as Pinky loved Hakuna Matata, it just wasn’t what Brain needed right now. He’d save that one in case they ever got dropped into the jungle again. It took about nine, or maybe twelveteen tries before Pinky found what he was looking for.
Satsified, Pinky paused the song and turned back to Brain, who was drawing several neat lines on a yellow sticky note.
“What’s that, Brain?” Pinky asked, leaning over Brain’s head for balance so he could get a closer look.
Brain tilted his head to the right and Pinky slipped off, laughing when he landed on his elbow. “I’m setting up my notes, Pinky.”
“We only need music notes, Brain. Not notes-notes or sticky notes,” Pinky said. Sometimes Brain could be a little confused. Why would he need notes for his heartsong?
“Oh yes, Pinky. How silly of me. The notes will just magically write themselves after all.”
Well, of course they would write themselves. But Brain still wouldn’t budge from his sticky note and pencil.
So Pinky decided to resort to drastic measures.
“Chase me!” Pinky shouted, snatching the sticky note and pencil from Brain and dashing around to the back of the stereo as fast as he could while his paws were full. There was an angry growl from behind him, but Pinky had a good head start on Brain. Normally, Pinky slowed his running speed to give Brain a fair chance at catching him, because it just wasn’t fun if the chaser couldn’t catch up to the chasee.
But this time around, Brain would need to listen closely to his feelings, whatever they were. And he couldn’t do that with notes that weren’t music notes.
“Give those back, Pinky!” Brain yelled, rounding the corner just as Pinky stuck one side of the sticky note into his mouth and grabbed a knobby thing from the back of the stereo, hauling himself up with one paw clutched firmly around the pencil.
“Not ‘til after the song!” Pinky meant to say, but it came out more like ‘nafthang’ because of the sticky note. Brain’s paw clamped around the middle of his tail and threatened to pull him down when he was halfway to the top. Pinky clung to his handhold tightly, keeping his legs spread for balance.
The tip of Pinky’s tail flicked against Brain’s nose, and Brain’s grip loosened. Encouraged by this, Pinky let his tail go wild, brushing it against Brain’s eyes, nose, and fur. Pinky glanced down just as his tail lightly danced around the outside of Brain’s ear, watching Brain let go to bat the rest of the offending appendage away.  
Brain really did resemble a white and red tomato with ears now that Pinky had a top view. Pinky couldn’t enjoy it for long though. Quickly pulling himself to the top, Pinky laid the note down, taking a few seconds to spit the sticky stuff out of his mouth. Then he braced the pencil against the handle, making sure it wouldn’t roll away.
“I hope you’re happy,” Brain muttered, crossing his arms as Pinky hopped down. “I wouldn’t be so tolerant of your antics if I didn’t need this for research purposes.”
“Oh, I’m plenty happy,” Pinky chirped. “Are you ready for the song now?”
“We’re delayed by ninety minutes,” Brain said. “I suppose I have no choice if this plan is to be implemented in time for morning rush hour.”
“Okey-dokey then! You’ll dance with me?” Pinky said, rushing back to the front of the stereo. His hand hovered over the start button, glancing at Brain for the go-ahead.
Brain opened his mouth to reply, but then it suddenly snapped shut again. He did this several more times, and Pinky realized he probably didn’t know what to say next.
Brain wasn’t familiar with non-smarty mouse stuff, though Pinky knew he could hand Brain a bunch of numbers and letters and squiggles and Brain would find an answer faster than Pinky could blink.
Pinky decided to borrow a page out of Aladdin’s book, making a mental note to return the page later, because what if Aladdin was reading it and the page was important to the story? Pretending he was Aladdin inviting Princess Jasmine onto his magic carpet, Pinky held his hand out to Brain.
“Do you trust me?” Pinky asked, giving Brain his best reassuring smile.
Brain just stared down at Pinky’s hand like it was covered in really icky goo.  
“Do you trust me, Brain?” Pinky repeated.
“With certain things more than others,” Brain admitted after a long moment, slipping his hand into Pinky’s. “Remember, this is strictly for research purposes only.”
Pinky hit the play button, and a gentle piano melody flowed out of the speakers.
The lab quickly melted away and they were dancing on a magic carpet, a starry sky above and a bustling city below. Romantic music flew by, supported by a gentle breeze.
“I can show you the world-“
Brain jerked slightly, eyes wide as the wind sweetly sang about the world beyond the lab and domination. Pinky carefully reeled him in, helping him balance until he could find his footing again.
The world was bathed in silvery moonlight, and the shadows weren’t so scary when they flew by on their magic carpet. Pinky’s fur brushed against Brain, sending millions of tingly little sparks through his body as they weaved around brick and stone and steel, not wanting even a single building to interrupt their dance.
And they were going up, so high that Pinky could reach out and touch the clouds. He’d always wanted to dance on fluffy, cottony clouds. The ground was a million miles below, but Pinky wasn’t afraid. Brain and the magic carpet wouldn’t let him fall.
Then Pinky was tugged in a completely different direction from where he’d been trying to go, only for the step to be hastily corrected at the last second. Brain’s eyes flicked down when Pinky looked at him, so Pinky gave his hands a squeeze to let him know it was alright if he wanted to lead now.
Brain liked control, and Pinky wanted to return his efforts in kind.
With newfound confidence, Brain swept Pinky into a wide arc. Every step precise, every turn sharp. The world blurred around them, Pinky’s heart beating rapidly as he kept up with Brain’s commands.
Forests, oceans, deserts, and mountains disappeared into the distance just as fast as they came by. Pinky saw the sprawling Great Wall of China, the huge Empire State Building, the wavy Sydney Opera House, and numerous other landmarks he couldn’t remember the names of. All part of this world, and they would belong to Brain someday.
Brain’s breathing grew heavier, coming out in little puffs of air, and Pinky’s throat felt tight. Tight like he’d just run so fast, so far, without stopping to catch his breath.
The lab came back into view, the last of the stars fading into the dark walls.
The stereo played the first line of I’ll Make a Man Out of You, so Pinky turned it off. They weren’t ready for a fast-paced training montage.
They headed back to their cage for a much-needed drink of water, and Brain guzzled down nearly half the bottle before letting Pinky have his turn. While Pinky drank his fill, Brain’s attention returned to his notebook, filling in the pages with renewed vigor.
“Did you find your heartsong, Brain?” Pinky called, rushing over to find a bunch of music notes and squiggly lines that hadn’t been there before. “Zort! That’s a lot of circles!”
Brain drew several more lines, filling the spaces with even more music notes. “Whole notes, Pinky. I’m including several long ones to help enhance the emotional quality of my work. However, there’s one significant change I’d like…no, need to make before we broadcast it over the radio.”
Pinky waited, noticing that Brain swallowed a very huge gulp down his throat. “Um, Brain? I think something’s stuck in your throat. Are you okay?”  
“Iwanttomakeitaduet,” Brain mumbled.  
Pinky blinked. “Is that another big word?”
“I said I want to make it a duet, Pinky!” Brain shouted. Then he took a moment to rub his big head, sighing heavily. “Apologies.”
“Gesundheit,” Pinky grinned.
Brain paced around, murmuring to himself. “Hydrogen bonding. A hydrogen and oxygen atom forming a bond…no, it’s more covalent than hydrogen. Hydrogen bonds are weak unless there’s millions to create surface tension. Covalent bonds are much stronger. And a duet is chemistry in lyrical form, showcasing the singers’ covalent bond-“
“I can’t wait to duet with you, Brain,” Pinky declared, pouring every ounce of feeling into his words as he could. “What am I singing?”
“-like carbon with hydrogen, or even just two of the same element. And you’ll need to know your part. Of course.”
Brain copied the song onto a separate sheet of paper, then grabbed a pink highlighter from a drawer and drew it across two verses and the refrain. Pinky’s parts in pink for easy remembering! This was gonna be a fun plan!
“Pinky?”
Pinky looked up from his paper. Brain was half-turned to his notebook, half-turned to Pinky.
“If you want to know how I felt earlier, the best description I can think of is…weightless.”
He felt happy feelings when Brain’s eyes gleamed in triumph at an idea. Scared feelings when he was trapped in a maze without Brain to guide him. Sad feelings when Brain yelled and grumped and cried because he thought Pinky didn’t want to be with him anymore.
And weightless feelings?
Pinky thought of dancing in the sky and the rush of happiness he felt when Brain took the lead. Cuddling together if the lab grew too cold, listening to big words, imagining what they would do when Brain took over the world.
“That’s a good feeling to have, Brain.”
“Yes, Pinky. It is.”
AN: I think I’ve listened to way too many 90s love songs. I tried watching the Pinky POV to help me get into Pinky’s mindset, and wow that episode is weirder than I remember it. I’m sorry, but Pinky was visualizing a thong on Brain I don’t know what to say that XDXDXD
So, references. I’m not very good when it comes to pop culture outside of animation, musicals, and animated musicals but yeah. Robin Williams voiced Lovelace in Happy Feet and of course Genie in Aladdin (we don’t talk about the live action one here). Pinky would totally love the concept of the heartsong.
Honestly, the Brain Maine thing came about because I was thinking, ‘hey, Maine rhymes with Brain’. That’s it. My mind just be like that.  
Donald O’Connor sang Make Em’ Laugh in Singin’ in the Rain, which the segment Just Say Narf parodies.
And of course, Aladdin, but that doesn’t bear repeating here I think.
I need to find a new song now. I lost track of how many times I listened to A Whole New World in the past few days.
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oumiyuki · 4 years
Text
Teachers don’t date teachers (but You-sensei and Riko-sensei definitely are) Ch11
Summary: The whole student body and teachers teases the gym teacher, Watanabe You, with the new art teacher, Sakurauchi Riko, that they make a cute couple. How long can You deny this when Riko isn’t helping to reduce the rumours?
Pairing: YouRiko
Genre: Romance, Fluff, Slice of Teacher Life ;D
Words: 1236
Read me at fanfiction.net or AO3 too~
Author Notes
I. AM. BACK!! *w* With more lovely You-sensei and Riko-sensei chappie~ hehe~
May you enjoy~! XD
———
Tease 11 – Riko-sensei is blushing?? (You-sensei can’t help but stare)
———
You hums on her way to school. Jolly spirits as lately she haven’t been subjected to many teases about dating the new art teacher.
Peaceful days are peaceful~
The ash-brunette closed her eyes for a second as she thought about how she could have lunch in the school cafeteria with Riko and not hear giggles and sometimes feel a flash on them. The gym teacher grins and nods to herself.
Good days~
The moment she steps into school, however, her smile fell as she heard loud chatter. Excited squeals. And a crowd gathered…everywhere!?
Wait, wait, wait. What’s going on?? It feels like déjà vu and entirely new at the same time…
You approaches the scene cautiously but before she could take a peek at what’s causing the commotion, a student notices her and calls out loudly, “You-sensei!!”
Ah-
“Y-Yes? Wah-!” The gym teacher is swamped by students with starry eyes in no time.
“Tell us which art piece do you like most!”
Oh, it’s about art… Thank goodness it’s not about me and Riko-chaaaaan-?!!
You’s eyes bulged as the first portrait put up on an easel upon entering the school for all eyes to see was a scene of You and Riko in the same bed. You in the portrait had her back to the viewers but her speech bubble caused many who read it to blush just like You is right now – “I’m right by your side, Riko.”
In that portrait, Riko’s face was really flushed.
The gym teacher stared at Riko in the artwork for a rather long time, thinking about how it was different from the feverish flush but is not quite able to pinpoint what the difference is.
Riko-chan is so beautiful… If I turned around in bed that night would I be seeing this..?
“You-sensei?”
Ah!! Why am I staring so much? I mean- aahhh!
You clears her throat. “Why is this placed here..?”
The student beamed. “All classes have art classes, right? And we all finished our assignments around the same time! So, so! We decided to put them all about the school for everyone to get to view it too! Riko-sensei agreed!”
“R-Riko-sensei…” You’s lips pressed into a line.
If it’s for art class…it can’t all be paintings of me and Riko-chan, right?
Again, You was proven wrong.
The gym teacher walked further into the school to see art after art after art of her and Riko in various scenes. The common theme seemed to circle about them being at home and…them.
There were some simpler ones that just had You and Riko on it, not exactly a scene as there weren’t any backgrounds but it still made You embarrassed to see herself in casual wear standing right beside Riko.
I mean it’s not like we don’t hang out outside of school…but seeing it like that…
You rubbed at her nose, embarrassed.
Then she sees a sweet at-home, breakfast scene – Riko feeding her pancakes. You clenches her fists, holding back from covering her mouth or face and running into the teacher’s office to hide. Or maybe make a mad dash back out of the school and call in sick.
What is this overly cute homey scene?? We didn’t even have pancakes. We ate rice and saba fish for more nutrients!
“Riko-senseiiiii~~”
You blinks and turns to where the voices of energetic and youthful kids are, plus that gentle and lyrical voice of the art teacher, Riko-sensei.
“No…I…I can’t choose by that reasoning.” The art teacher seemed to be explaining.
You approaches, heart racing and she believes it’s just from all the pictures she’s seen so far and not because she was about to see Riko in school.
“Riko-sensei, good morning.” You greets with a lopsided smile, knowing the art teacher must have gone through a series of hyped students and blush-inducing gallery walk (or is the latter only something she felt?).
Riko turned around at the voice of You greeting her, head slightly lowered, an apologetic expression and cheeks dusted pink.
Riko-chan blushing..? That’s rare…
You’s lips parted subconsciously to breathe in the breath-taking sight of the usually composed and mischievous art teacher blushing.
“G-Good morning, You-sensei. I’m sorry you had to be…surrounded…so early in the morning.” Riko seemed to edge to her right to block the painting behind her.
You chuckles awkwardly. “Y-Yeah…You’ve, um, trained up some really great artists.”
“They are still learning.” Riko smiles small; You’s desire to know what’s going through the artist’s mind just keeps growing.
“W-Was the topic of teachers? Because I see us drawn in pretty much…all the paintings.” You made a thoughtful, perplexed yet casual look which made Riko’s shoulders relax from the endearing sight.
“No…I told them to use certain techniques I taught them in previous lessons… And they said you told them they could draw anything they wanted. Before you had to care for me at home.”
“Wha- Wait! This is my doing?!” You took a step back in shock, trying to recall her words. And sure enough, she did, kind of told the students they could draw anything they want before she left to bring Riko home.
Riko laughed at You holding her head in both hands and looking distraught. The laughter making You pout.
What have I done..?
The student who has been staring at their favourite teacher interact grins huge and sing-songs. “You-sensei~ You-sensei~ Look here!! What do you think of my art?”
You turns to look. Riko gasps. And although she wanted to turn back and see why the art teacher made that sound, her eyes were glued to the canvas the student moved away from Riko’s attempt in blocking the view of.
The big canvas depicted a scene of You halfway through putting on her shirt, so her smooth and toned stomach was visible, and she wore a relaxed, cool smile while greeting, “Good morning, sleepyhead.”
To Riko, eyes wide awake as she looked astounded and infatuated though she returns a “Good morning, You.” Both of them illuminated by a soft morning glow.
Wow…
The art teacher was worrying at the side while You analyses the art.
That is one amazing art piece.
Funnily enough, this work of art that got the quiet art teacher flustered did not have the same effect on the blush-easy gym teacher.
“Wow. Just- Your painting is amazing, Coco!” You praises the student.
Coco gives a victory sign with a proud smile. “See, Riko-sensei~ You-sensei agrees! I should get an astounding A Star for this!”
You laughs. “Is she going to get an A..? Riko…sensei..?” You trails off as she stares at Riko tuck her long auburn locks behind her ear, those cheeks still a beautiful shade of shy pink and looking the painting.
Gosh…Riko-chan is so pretty…
You only breaks out of her dreamy stare when she realizes she’s looking right into patiently waiting yellow eyes. “Ah. D-Did you say anything?”
I got distracted by those thoughts again!!
Riko smiles. “I just might give Miyashita-san an A grade.”
“That’s awesome!” You cheers.
Now, if only I could ask for the reason Riko-chan was blushing so much…
The gym teacher looks back to the artwork, tries to find a reason and failing.
Perhaps she was just shy about how beautifully drawn she was. Which she shouldn’t have to be!
Coco grins at her teachers then back at her work of art, 100% proud to have drawn what she did.
  ———
Author Notes
Yep, I decided to use N girls for at least some of the lovely students. I was starting to feel bad for calling them students as a whole when they LOVE and support YouRiko-sensei so much. XD
And wow…I can’t believe how much time has passed since the last update..!! –sweat drops-
I hope y’all enjoyed the chapter!! *O*
More is to come and this time I shall diligently do so~ Especially since…September is a YouRiko-ish month? :3 I guess. –chuckles-
Leave me a comment and let me know your favourite scenes!! (I feed on your comments for more YouRiko-energy! ;D)
Catch you next tease~ :”D
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ducktracy · 4 years
Text
156. i only have eyes for you (1937)
release date: march 6th, 1937
series: merrie melodies
director: tex avery
starring: joe twerp (iceman), elvia allman (old maid, katie canary)
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tex’s merrie melody input would grow stronger and stronger. by the end of the year, he’d be directing merrie melodies exclusively all the way until 1941. his next cartoon, a looney tune, would change the face of looney tunes for generations to come—porky’s duck hunt introduces us to the enigma that is daffy duck. but for now, the local ice delivery man attempts to win over katie canary by crooning. however, his methods for achieving such golden pipes are seldom legitimate.
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right away, the story launches into a catchy little jive in minor key, exposing the plot. the ice delivery man, a bird with an overbite doing an eddie cantor eye roll as he rolls along in his jalopy, is on his way to deliver ice to his least favorite house. an old hag is absolutely smitten with him, to the point of sexual harassment as she flaunts the ever scandalous YOO HOO! sign in her window. the lyrics are highly amusing: “she orders 50 pounds of ice 10 times a week, he hates delivering ice to her!” the old maid’s line of attack is to lure the iceman in with her baked delicacies (”how our hero hates the stuff the old maid makes!”)
elsewhere, we stumble upon katie canary, who has our hero “nutty as a loon” (foreshadowing to porky’s duck hunt?) while iceman is out begrudgingly delivering unforeseen amounts of ice to a creep, his true love is obsessed with the crooners, perched in front of the radio, her house adorned with photos of crooners like bing crosby, eddie cantor, al jolson, and rudy vallee. why cantor and jolson are considered crooners beats me, but it’s certainly funny nonetheless.
it wasn’t long after this cartoon that joe dougherty was fired from the studio on account of his stutter being too out of control. in fact, the next porky cartoon, porky’s romance, would be his last. the directors made their frustration working with dougherty known, so much so that tex avery decided to lampoon it in this cartoon here. as iceman prepares to drop off his delivery to the old maid, he stumbles on his words and switches them up (joe twerp providing the vocals instead of joe dougherty): “ gy mosh—er, uh—my gosh. this old maid pure is a shest... er, boy, she sure is a pest.” i feel bad for dougherty, as he was talented in my eyes, but i can sympathize with tex’s frustration. dougherty’s stutter caused a lot of retakes, which, in turn, cost a lot of money. it’s easy to be fed up. while this isn’t the most friendly of characters in terms of background, i admit that it amuses me a lot, knowing the backstory.
sure enough, the old maid IS a pest. iceman creeps into the house, shifty-eyed as he gingerly drops a block of ice in the icebox. the coast is eerily clear, and for good reason. great setup on tex’s part: she’s baking pies, putting up creepy signs, she makes her presence known. so why isn’t she breathing down iceman’s neck? the tension is very strong and very believable. with that, iceman tiptoes out, his speed gaining as he grows more and more relieved... until the door slams shut as the old maid pins him inside, waiting behind the door the entire time. 
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right away, the old maid attempts to corner the iceman, shoving food in his face she had been storing behind her back. the iceman struggles to refuse, stumbling “oh, tho nanks. er, na thonks. er, not me!” the gag picks up in momentum as poor, meek iceman almost breaks out into a backwards run, the old maid pulling out donuts and watermelons and turkeys behind her back with the utmost of ease and nonchalance. 
terrified, the iceman pins himself against a wall, which turns out to be a murphy bed. the bed flops onto the ground, concealing the iceman, while the old maid sighs in perverted satisfaction. “at last, a MAN!”
i can only wonder if bob clampett animated this next scene, seeing as it would be reused in the daffy doc. while a hysterical surgeon-to-be daffy crawls in and around a bed with a handsaw, pursuing a terrified porky, the old maid dives under the bed and crawls on top of it, pursuing the iceman in a VERY similar fashon. nevertheless, iceman outsmarts the old maid, jumping out of the bed and allowing the murphy bed to spring back into the wall, old maid inside it and all. a famous, amusing tex avery-ism as iceman hops into his truck and screeches away. suddenly, he reverses, giving an exhausted “whew!” to the audience before speeding out of sight once more.
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finally, a more pleasant delivery as iceman arrives to the abode of his crush, katie canary. but this is a different delivery—our hero comes bearing flowers. he bumbles his way inside, katie still perched in front of her own love, the radio, fiddling with the dial. “fere’s some howers—er—how’s some fleers—“ while iceman stumbles his way through, katie rudely hushes him as she finds her desired radio station. the warm warbles of bing crosby’s “let it be me” fill the air, and katie listens, enraptured, while iceman leans against the radio in a huff. borrowed from another tex entry, i love to singa, bing interrupts his singing. “don’t lean on the radio, son, you bother me.”
when the song ends, iceman perks up, offering his flowers to katie. however, katie still refuses. this is the first of MANY, MANY, MANY katharine hepburn impressions, primarily in tex avery cartoons. tex just LOVED kat’s voice, finding it as the perfect lampoon. katie speaks in the hepburn inflection, shooing him away. “please go away. cahn’t you see i’m saving my haaht and my lahv for radio croonahs? someday, somewhere, sometime i shall marry one, and i know we should be all so tehhribly happy, rahlly i do.” poor iceman wilts, along with his flowers, a telltale sign of Lost Romance. iceman sulks out the door, nearly dragging along across the floor.
in his jalopy, iceman hilariously struggles to sing a rendition of “let it be me”, eventually giving up and growling “aw, let it go, let it go...” carl stalling’s musical accompaniment is excellent, the chorus repeating like a broken record as the iceman tries his damnest to get the words right. this start/stop approach of music would accompany porky plenty of times when he himself tries to sing (like when he struggles to sing “singin’ in the bathtub” in polar pals.) 
suddenly, iceman perks up as he stumbles across a sign: 
PROF. MOCKINGBIRD
VENTRILOQUIST
AND
IMITATOR
but of course! an impressionist! tex fills up some time by including closeups of signs, such as the aforementioned one and the sign outside of the prof’s door that advertises PROF. MOCKINGBIRD -- PRIVATE. prof. mockingbird greets him with a “hullo, strenza!” (a yiddishism reused from i love to singa) and iceman tries to get to the point. after struggling, he cuts to the chase. “look, do something!”
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mockingbird more than obliges. because this is a tex avery cartoon, not only does the bird perfectly imitate ducks, dogs, roosters, even car horns, he contorts his body to accompany his display of talent, even twisting and bending himself around as he imitates an airplane. iceman is certainly impressed. “that’s swell. er, that’s crell, but can ya swoon? er, can ya swim? i mean, can you croon?” a few lines of the title song (the actual song, not the exposition!) confirms iceman’s suspicions. floored, iceman yanks mockingbird out of the office and stows him away in the back of his ice truck.
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back to iceman’s pursuit as katie canary elegantly swipes her hand through her “hair” (bob clampett animation), peering out the window, when warm warbles catch her ear. delighted, she rushes to the window, spotting none other than iceman singing “i only have ice for you” from his truck. a lovely layout and angle. and, as expected, we see mockingbird inside the truck, supplying the vocals instead of iceman, both pantomiming one another. the scene is humorous as it is with the fake vocals, but iceman pantomiming the unseen mockingbird is even better.
katharine katie has been won over. “i knew he’d come, my lover, my sweet one!” she provides a mini soliloquy as she theatrically poses on her staircase, dreaming of how “sadly happy” she will be. “oh, at lahst, to be held in the arms of a crooner, it will make me so sadly happy... rahlly, it will.” tex would have a field day with katharine hepburn soliloquies, as he displays in his epic hamateur night. katie eagerly hops in iceman’s jalopy, and together they ride.
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inside, however, is a bleaker scene: mockingbird is positively freezing. another fun tex(t) gag as iceman shiftily rings a buzzer on the side of the truck. inside, a sign blazes SWING IT! the poor mockingbird gives a nasally, shuddering, poor rendition of the eponymous song, trying not to freeze to death. katie grows slightly suspicious as sounds of an oncoming sneeze loom, but shrugs it off as the vocals revert to semi-normal. 
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“boy, it’s bloody cold in here!” interjects the mockingbird. katie grows increasingly curious and suspicious as iceman recognizes his folly. the vocals grow worse and worse (yet funnier for the audience.) hilarious animation by who i presume to be is bob clampett, with katie’s suspicious grimaces and winks, iceman batting his eyelashes and shrinking into himself, it has clampett written all over it (and those expressions would be reused in similar nature to some of his cartoons. porky’s badtime story and baby bottleneck come to mind for the grimaces and the eyelash batting.)
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finally, mockingbird gives a behemoth of a sneeze, blowing iceman’s cover as the entire back half of the truck is ripped off, a freezing iceman quivering on a block of ice. katie stares down iceman as he wrings his hat, his tail between his legs.
and so-- (signaled with a highly amusing offscreen ed wynn warbling “SO--” ), we find katie canary pouring boiling hot water in a wash tub, where the recovering mockingbird is soaking his feet in an attempt to warm up. two movers come in and haul away katie’s fated radio, replacing it with a refrigerator. katie and the mockingbird happily embrace.
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AND OUR HERO—he sits in the old maid’s kitchen, feeding him all the delicacies he could dream of. he devours a pie, and while he prepares to dig in for another, he finds himself holding the old maid instead, prepping for a kiss. iceman recoils, pausing to put on sunglasses and hesitantly accepting the kiss. he addresses the audience, stumbling on his words, until he gets to the point—“well anyhow, she can cook!” iris out on the unlikely couple as they kiss once more.
this is an intriguing cartoon that i grew to appreciate the more i watched. the opening number was catchy as can be, and implementing the title song as a rendition sung questionably and sickly is certainly an interesting choice. it’s obvious tex wanted to do more than just advertise a song—it’s almost as if he was like “i’ll give you your damn song, alright.” while tex is hardly sentimental or endearing, this is definitely an endearing cartoon. you can easily sympathize with the iceman and his search for love. you can feel the apprehension as he treks through the dangerous territory that is the old maid’s kitchen, you can feel his heartache when katie canary dismisses him away in favor of her crooners, you can feel his red hot embarrassment as his fake crooner plans turn awry. he has much more personality than he lets on... or perhaps he just resonates more than usual. the whole stuttering thing was highly amusing, too. you can tell tex really wanted to go the roy atwell approach with dougherty, mixing up sentences and words and cutting to the chase, but couldn’t because of dougherty’s stutter. joe twerp does an excellent job and is one step closer to tex’s dreams being realized. tex’s next cartoon, porky’s duck hunt, his dream would be fully realized as mel blanc takes the stage as porky for the first time.
in all, this is a good short! i enjoyed it quite a lot. it has a lot of personality to it, and it’s certainly a different approach to the merrie melodies as we’ve been seeing. give it a go!
link!
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Text
I Do. (Post 1/2) (part 1 of ?)
Ashton.
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"I just want a nice, normal guy to sweep me off my feet, and support my carmel vanilla coffee addiction. Is that so much to ask?!"
My best friend gave me an amused glance before dropping her gaze back towards her phone. I swear, that girl could hold two conversations face to face, surf facebook, and hold a buisness Skype call, all at the same time. A.D.D., they name is Rae.
"I've set you up on five dates so far, and you havent lasted longer then ten minutes with any of them," she countered. "So how about this...you tell me your dream guy, and I'll work off of that."
I sighed, tapping my foot nervously against the metal rung of the coffee shop table. I was always fidgeting. Whether it was shaking my foot, drumming my nails along the table, or pacing aimlessly around, I was always moving.
"I don't know," I sighed out on a breath. Picking up my iced vanilla, butterscotch, and chai latte, I took a sip before responding. "Dont you know anyone that actually has a life?"
Rae glanced up at me, cocking an eyebrow. "A life? Like, the other 5 were dead?"
I groaned. "The first guy had the ambition of a goldfish. Second guy wanted me to move into his mother's basement with him. Third guy was perfectly content to be a cashier th erest of his life and didnt want to even think about making more than minimum wage or he would loose government assistance.....shall I go on?"
Rae gave a throaty chuckle, causing three random guys to stop their conversations and look her way. She just had that way about her.
"Tell you what," she mused out loud. "Since the last five was a complete disaster, and I thought they would have been perfect for you, the next guy I pick will be the one who I think you'll hate the most. So.... Here's what I want from you. You pick what you want him to wear. You pick if you want flowers or not. And you pick the place to meet for drinks, dinner, movie...whatever. deal?"
I thought about it for a moment, the shrugged. "Fine. I want to come here. This coffee shop. No flowers. No expectations. I'll even pay for the both of our drinks. But he has to have a job. A good job. Or at least have a goal in mind," I amended.
Rae nodded. "Tell me more. Actually, tell me your dream. What's your fantasy date for this coffee. Close your eyes and describe the guy to me. What is he wearing. What does he look like. What is he drinking?"
I laughed, but saw the amusement in her eyes. Deciding to play along, I closed my eyes and tilted my head slightly back.
"White button down shirt with the sleeves rolled back a bit. Nice jeans, probably faded with a hole in the leg," I laughed out. "Gorgeous smile because he laughs a whole lot and has an amazing sense of humor. Eyes that are kind and sparkle. Shaggy hair that probably falls into his eyes...." I trailed off.
"Sounds like quite the catch," Rae laughed out on a breath. She sounded amused, which kind of worried me a bit.
I opened my eyes and glanced at her. "Why do you sound like you just ate a canary?"
Rae's eyes sparkled as she tried to suppress a smile. "I know who would be perfect for you, and...he should be here in about two minutes."
My jaw dropped to the floor. "What?! Theres no way you could have called someone and set it up so fast. You had this planned!" I shrieked. Not because she set me up, but because she didnt warn me.
I was dressed in my -I dont give a shit, today is my day off- clothes. A pair of faded dark grey sweatpants with a hole in the left knee, dark green jumper with a faded brand logo running down the arm, and hair unbrushed and tossed into a messy bun. Plus I was still wearing yesterdays makeup which had faded to a lovely raccoon inspired look.
"This wasnt a setup," she argued lovingly, tossing her hands up to her side quickly. "Swear it. You know i was meeting a few friends here today. One of them would be perfect for you."
I eyed her warily. "The so-called friends that are mysteriously out of the country doing something tha you refuse to tell me, along with their names? The ones who you are best friends with...yet I know nothing about, and we have been best friends since middle school?!" I mused, scrunching my nose up at the thought.
Granted, my and Rae are best friends for over 15 years now, but there was a random 2 year period where were were heavily into the party and drug scene. We kinda split ways and didnt talk for 2 years, then both of us, separately, decided to get our lives in order and somehow reconnected as if nothing had happened.
Strange how life works out.
"They aren't...." I trailed off.
"They were, " she nodded. "Not anymore tho. I used to hang out and binge with them tho. They cleaned their lives up as well. Just took them longer."
I nodded, glancing down at my almost empty iced coffee as I dragged my nails along the styrofoam, making patterns on the cup. "I'm willing to give it a go I guess. Coffee never hurt anyone, right?"
"Right," she agreed, glancing down once again to her phone to resume whatever multi-conversation she was having.
I didnt realize until a few minutes later that I was humming and singing along the the songs playing over the cafe speakers.
"Do you like this band?" She asked randomly, not taking her focus from her phone.
"Love them," I remarked, not really paying attention. "I just got their new album yesterday actually."
She made a small chuckle. "Let me guess then...you were always a guitar or lead singer chick. So.... Luke?"
I grinned, breaking my gaze away from all the pretty little designs my nails etched into my now empty coffee cup. " Usually , yes you would have been correct. And while he is hot, as is the othe guitarist...my heart lies elsewhere in the band."
"Bassist?" She chanced, finally placing her phone down and looking up. Her eyes darted over my shoulder, then came back to focus on my face. A grin broke out, smile so wide it reminded me of the Cheshire cat.
"Um, nooo," I drawled. "I actually seemed to be drawn to.....why the hell are you staring a time like that?!" I asked, breaking the conversation. "You look fucking creepy."
Her eyes seemed to dart over my shoulder again to where the cashier counter was, then back to me again. "So the drummer then?" She mused, not bothering to hide the grin. "You have a thing for the drummer?"
I continued to stare at her, trying to puzzle out what the hell was making her act so weird. "Yeah...?" I dragged out.
"Hmmm, and why would that be? I'm honestly curious. Usually you always go for the guitar rock-God type for looks."
I cocked my head to the side. "You really want an answer?"
Rae grinned again. Nodding her head emphatically. "Oh yes. Please, by all means."
I shrugged, taking the last small sip from my coffee. "He always seemed the most put together. Knows how to laugh, but always seems polite. Has an amazing voice, but would rather be in the background playing his heart out. And he gives out total Daddy vibes," I joked. "Plus, he is seriously hot. They all are in that band actually."
Rae burst out laughing, covering her mouth with both hands. I swear, tears started to form in her eyes.
I just stared at her. "Seriously Rae, what has gotten into you today?! What's so funny?"
Her eyes darted behind me once again, but this time she nodded. I didnt even have a chance to turn around to see what she was looking at before an arm snaking over my shoulder, placing a styrofoam cup in front of me.
"You can call me Daddy if you feel the need to, but I prefer Ashton on a first date," a voice said.
I closed my eyes tightly, slowly opening them as panic filled me. My eyes traveled from the coffee, up to a bare forearm dusted in dark golden hair, to a shoulder and chest that had a white button shirt...sleeves rolled back.
Damn, but did Rae tell him how to dress?
He smirked at my dazed expression, while Rae finally got herself under control. "I didnt tell him," she rasped out, still trying to hide the amusement as she spoke. " He really was randomly dressed like that to come here."
Ashton raised a brow as he pulled up a chair, leaning over to give Rae a quick one-armed hug before sitting on the chair backwards between us.
He reached over, palm up while smiling at me. "She did however, demand that I randomly walk in and order you a vanilla butterscotch coffee without even telling me your name, or why I was buying you one. I'm being set up on a date, I take it?" He questioned again, glancing to Rae for affirmation before looking back at me, then down to his still extended hand. "Do I get a name? Or should I introduce myself again?"
I shook my head, trying to snap out of the surreal experience going on. Placing my hand in his, I cleared my throat. "You're Daddy, right?" I smirked, trying to fight the blush rising on my face. God, but do I hope he can take the joke.
His face split into a grin, laugh bursting out of his lips. "I like her," he chuckled, looking over to Rae. " This one actually knows what a joke is."
I grinned at that as he looked back at me. "I take it that Rae has tried setting you up before as well?" I questioned.
He nodded, a faint smile still gracing his lips. "One girl who decided living in her car way her dream goal. One who only ate foods that were yellow. And one who wanted to be a psychologist because she didnt understand how people laughed or why we smile at things."
My eyes went wide. "Wow. And here I thought I had it bad with the guy who only showered on days it rained cause that's how the bathtub got refilled."
Ashton let out another bark of laughter, breaking eye contact to speak to Rae once again. " You suck at setting people up. You know that?"
She raised a brow at that, stopping her cup of coffee in mid air before she could take a sip. "Oh, so should I not have introduced the two of you?" She asked, feigning a look of hurt. "And here I thought you were getting along fairly well."
Ashton shook his head. "Are you kidding me? this girl is horrible! Wont tell me her name, wont call me by mine, and she laughs at everything I say!" He rambled out. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he didnt stop looking at her.
"And he isnt the greatest catch either, " I added. "Eavesdropped a private conversation, assumed I wanted him to pay for something. I didn't ask for without asking me. And he wont let me go," I added, flicking my gaze down to our still entwined hands.
Rae nodded, a huge, fake sight escaping past her parted lips. " okay, I give up. Sorry to waste your time, Ash. I'll take her home and be back in a few minutes to catch up with you all. I assume the others are on the way?" She asked, standing up and motioning for me to follow.
Ashton shook his head. " They are on the way. But you cant take her."
Without warning, he turned and licked a wet line up my jaw. "I licked her. Shes mine now."
My jaw dropped open, but rae looked amused. "Are you gunna pee on her too?"
He turned to look at me finally, slightly swaying our hands back and forth. "Is that your kink?"
"What?! No! Why would you ask that?!"
He shrugged. "Well, I know you have a Daddy kink, just had to be sure."
"I do NOT have a Daddy kink!" I hissed out, trying to pull my hand out from his grasp. "And why the hell did you lick me?"
He was having none of it. Keeping hold of my hand, he slowly brought it up to his lips and kissed the back of my hand before finally releasing his hold. "Cause I wanted to see what you tasted like. Vanilla, I like it." He winked.
"You do have a daddy kink," Rae interjected, laughing through her words. "I'm going to go get another coffee and grab 2 other tables for the guys. You two enjoy yourselves."
Ashton glanced at me before looking at Rae. "If I did that, we would be arrested and barred from this shop."
I think my heart stopped. Was I breathing?
"Mind if I go grab myself a drink?"
I blinked, trying to focus on his face once again. "Didn't you just order one while you were up there?"
He shook his head. "Only ordered yours. I wasnt sure if I wanted to stay once she told me she had a girl with her for me to meet."
"And now you are sure you want to stay?" I questioned.
He smiled. A sweet smile that lit up his eyes. "I think you are fucking perfect."
I blushed at that. "Yeah, right. Cause messy girl with raccoon eyes in your kink, right?"
He gave me an amusing look. "Like a guy in jeans and a white shirt is yours?" He retorted. A small sigh left his lips as he pulled out his phone and scrolled through a few messages. Once he found what he was looking for, he stopped and put the phone down on the table in front of me.
Raelyn- her fantasy sounds like you, in a white button down and a pair of worn out skinny Jean's. Just get your asses here!
Ash-and you are so sure I would like her? I sisnt agree to another date with your wacky high maintenance friends. They just want a sugar daddy.
Raelyn- shes sitting here in pajamas, messy hair, and yesterdays makeup. And she insists on buying our coffees every week. Still wanna pass her up?
Ash- ....be there in 5.
Raelyn- get her a butterscotch vanilla iced coffee.
Ash- thought she didnt want people to buy her shit?
Raelyn- then get it for me.
Ash- do I have to buy flowers or anything?
Raelyn- only if you want her to hit you with them.
Ash- I like her already.
I glanced up at Ashton, a small smile gracing my face. "So I guess it's my turn to buy you a coffee?"
He shrugged, swinging his leg back over the chair to sit down backwards on it once again. "If you insist. Pick whatever you think I would like."
I grinned this time. " whipped cream, cherries, and handcuffs?" I joked.
He beamed at me. "Nah, that's the second date. And woulsnt you know it....you already know what to call me then," he teased.
I laughed, walking away to get him a drink. I slid up alongside Rae, elbowing her in the side gently. "Are the other three coming?"
She smiled at me. "Yeah, be here any minute."
The barista asked up for our orders, while I pushed Rae's card back towards her. "I got them."
"That's 7 drinks you are paying for today," she reminded me.
"Glad your good at math," I remarked. "You can get the next round. And if they like me as a friend and we hang out in the future we can all take turns. If not, then I get to say that they are forever indebted to me. Win-win I say."
She shrugged, but didnt argue. "Fair play, that. I'll go shove the tables together and be back to help you carry them all."
But it wasnt her who came back over when the order was ready. It was Michael.
"HI," he practically yelled, squeezing me in a tight bear hug. "I'm Michael. Or Mike. Whatever."
"You seem overly happy to meet a stranger, " I laughed out, hugging him back just as tight before letting go.
"You made ashton happy," he shrugged, a huge smile on his face. "Anyone who can make his smile in the first few minutes of meeting him...especially lately, deserves to be treated like the fucking queen they are."
My brows shot up at that. "I'm a queen now. High praise. Does that make you the court jester?" I asked, handing him a cardboard tray with 4 drinks in it.
He grinned. "Sure. Anything else you wish me to carry, m'lady?"
I laughed and gave a curtsey. "Not at this time, good sir. Go forth and conquer the bistro que!"
Michael laughed, draping an arm across my shoulder while walking back to the now full tables. He set his 4 drinks down, then took one out of my hand and gave it to Rae before distributing the 4 he had.
"They're marked, and we all drink the same shit every time we go out," he explained. "The one you have is the only one I dont recognize so I assumed it is yours."
I shook my head and resumed my seat next to Ashton, with Luke next to me on the other side now. Michael and Calum were sat across from me. "Its for Ashton actually. He bought me my coffee and forgot to get his own."
"Trying to ditch her," Calum asked.
"Nope." Ashton stated. Simple. Direct. One word.
"Finally found a girl that will put up with your crazy-ass for longer than 10 minutes?" Like remarked.
"Gunna marry this one, mate," Ashton laughed out.
"Shit, you move fast," Michael snorted. "And here I was being engaged for over a year already. What am I doing wrong?"
"You actually asked your fiancee," Luke answered. "Ashton will just be standing in front of the magistrate with a blowup doll."
Everyone laughed, including me Ashton fake pouted, poking me in the side before lacing his fingers through mine. My heart gave a little flitter, but I didnt pull away.
"Come on, Love, you're supposed to defend our relationship!"
I chuckled. "Yes sir. Would you like to get married now, sir? I think I still have my old bicycle pump in my garage if you need it. And some duct tape in case your fiancee gets a hole."
He threw his head back and laughed, tightening his grip on my hand. Not hard, but in acknowledgment that it was a good laugh. "Fuck the lot of you."
"Damn, already cheating on me. And with three other men no less," I crooned, pouting my lips.
That caused another round of laughter.
"I think I'm in love with your girlfriend, " Calum huffed out. "She knows how to give back shit we dish out."
"Dont be hitting on my wife," Ashton fake growled. "I worked hard on this relationship!"
"Oh yeah? What's her name?" Rae jumped in, bemused laughter lacing each word.
A slow silence fell across the table, followed by abrupt laughter for everyone.
"Oh. My. God. You didnt even ask her what her name is yet?!" Michael bellowed, tears forming in his eyes. "I can see it now. The priest standing there like do you take this girl for your wife? And you being like, who's that?"
"Fuck all of you," Ashton gasped out through laughter again. "I'm gunna marry her one day and then shes gunna kick your asses for making fun of me."
I grinned, reaching over to poke my finger into his dimple. "Yeah? I'll kick their asses for you if you ask, darling." I agreed. "Just as soon as you get my attention and ask me. Oooh, right. You can't. Dont know my name," I beamed.
He threw back his head and chuckled. "Fuck you too, sweetheart," he remarked, leaning over to place a quick kiss to my cheek.
"Only if you scream my name out while you do," I joked.
"Fuck, but do I love a smart mouth," he agreed.
The conversation flowed easily. Two more rounds of drinks were bought over the course of a few hours, until the cafe was getting ready to close.
We all agreed to meet up next weekend, have enjoyed each others company and realizing the six of us were going to be amazing friends.
"Can we bring our girls next week?" Luke asked.
"Hell yeah " I agreed readily. "Me and Rae need all the help we can get against you four."
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