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For context we’re in a dungeon, and just found a secret door to a room containing 4 goblins, who are all tired of their jobs and wants to go home. My Goliath has just burst through the door.

Me(Goliath Paladin, who chose goblin as a language.): “I want to talk to them.”

Everyone but our dragonborn bard agrees, she wants to seduce them.

Dm(who’s tired of us and wants to get on track.) “Roll for it.”

Me: “Nat 1.”

Dm grins: “You burst through the door making it splinter and shouts ‘I’ve fucked all your moms’ in broken goblin. They’ve now all drawn their weapons.”

I’m now no longer allowed to speak goblin.

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Context:
We’ve been running a 5e game for a long while (and all of our first real campaign in the system) with 1 player trying an artificer as a goblin.  The goblin acts more like a Rogue in personality, but all the smarts of a mage (and definitely none of the wisdom).  After the many changes, our Artificer was just so iconic in the world that we stuck them with the old rules just because it made it more amusing to work with for roleplay.  So this artificer has his own ship (that we took over), is the captain (although for certain reasons, we have to keep that hidden among many NPCs), still has a musket, keeps trying to find shinies where possible, must always find food where possible, and even managed to make a brand new canon for this ship that is the emphasis of a “glass canon” and still, he always wants more, cause why not?  A battle came up and the new “more” came into play with such a twist.

DM: And this one comes over here.

Flek (goblin): “No! That will not happen.  He will fire his shot” *misses* “and hide behind Wisteria and tell her to protect the captain!”

Wisteria (ooc): “Does he just run between her legs?”

Flek (ooc): “Yes! WAIT! Do you have a dress?”

Wisteria (ooc): “No.”

Flek (ooc): “WHY NOT!?”

Wisteria (ooc): “Cause she wears pants.  Why? Do you want him to hide under a skirt?”

Flek (ooc): “Oh my- YES! That would be amazing! Wait, DM! If she has that, can I use it to hide and make my own form of sneak attack?”

Later that battle…

Flek (ooc): “You still don’t have a long skirt!?”

Wisteria (ooc): “No.”

Flek (ooc): “DO I NEED TO PUT A NEW RULE ON THIS SHIP!? EVERYONE MUST HAVE LONG SKIRTS! They will never see it coming.”

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That one guy

Player 1: I pull out my crossbow and shoot (player 2) in the back!

DM: No, you don’t.

Player: Why not? I’m chaotic!

DM: Chaotic good!

Player: Oh. Can I switch to chaotic evil?

DM: No.

Bonus:

Player 3: (after a series of events which would reasonably lead to inter-pc conflict) I hit [Player 4] with my club.

DM: You deal 2 damage. [Player 4]?

[Player 4]: I hit [Player 3] with my mace.

DM: Ok, so [Player 3] is dead…

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“Well if I knew we were taking that approach, I wouldn’t have wasted a spell slot.”

- The Cleric, after casting charm person on a character they were looking for to bring him back to an NPC they were helping, who IMMEDIATELY stabbed the charmed guy.

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In the run down lawless part of the city.  Went to a pirate bar as a party of underage boarding school kids.  There’s a skeleton with an eye patch working as a waiter with a sign around his  neck that reads DON’T TURN ME, I WORK HERE.  Ranger student walks up to the barkeep.

Ranger:  What’s with the skeleton?
Barkeep:  Oh, Dead Tom?  He’s my best mate from my old sailing days.  He was such a good hand, we just couldn’t bare to let him go.
Ranger:  …. okay.  Did he get the eye patch before or after he died?
Barkeep:  Oh, he’s always had an eye patch as long as I’ve known him.
Ranger:  Yeah, but he’s a skeleton now; what’s he need it for?
Barkeep:  He wouldn’t say…
Ranger:  Why not?
Barkeep <leans in close to whisper in the ranger’s ear>: Dead men tell no tales…

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“Submit this to shitmyplayers say right now” -DM

We were doing a Christmas one shot where we, the elves, were unionizing against Santa for better working conditions. Once we made it to the final encounter, Mr. And Mrs. Claus were described to us as, well, Santa and Dolly Parton.

We then found out a couple rounds into the fight that Santa was Odin, so…


DM: does anyone recall who Odin’s wife was?

Me: Freya

DM, with a shit eating grin: …

Me, yelling to our other PC who was in another room: F***!!! DOLLY PARTON IS FREYA!!!!!

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During their evening’s rest, on her watch the party Fighter overhears a cry from the Moonwood and wakes her compatriots. As the group races towards the sound, they find a pack of werewolves attacking a fleeing unicorn. They try to save it.

Rogue: (fails her con save after a werewolf bite, is infected with lycanthropy)

Everybody: (continues fighting until there’s only one left)

Rogue: I’m going to head into the woods over here (points to map)

DM: No problem

Fighter: I attack the final one with my axe (rolls, hits, high damage)

DM: You slice at the final werewolf with your silvered radiant axe, bisecting it, and watch the pieces crumple to the ground. The glade is clear, there are no more enemies

Bard: I check and see if the unicorn is okay

Cleric: I look to see who needs healing

Rogue: I bring back a stick

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“The dirt knows!”

Context: A Monster of the Week campaign set in the Victorian era featuring literary characters & a few historical figures. The group has been sent to the Amazon to find out why people are vanishing. They’ve come across a human-sized and shaped plant.

They can’t study it now, but they decide to take it with them back to England. Instead of taking samples of the plant, they decide they need the whole plant…and 144 cubic feet of dirt around and under it justified with the logical:

“We don’t know what nutrients it needs. The dirt knows!”

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Context: Fighter gnome got a strange book from an old cat lady that a cat keeps appearing on everytime she reads it. We’re currently in a coliseum.

Fighter: *opens the book and starts to read it so the cat comes*

Cat: *jumps on the book* meow!

Guard 1: wh- hey! How’d that get in here? *motions for the other guards to get it*

Guard 2: On it! *reaches for it, but the cat runs away* Hey, get back here! *chases after it*

Fighter: *starts reading the book again*

Cat: *jumps on the book again* meow!

Guard 1: How’d you get back here? You, go get it again! And make sure you catch it!

Guard 3: *chases after the cat after it runs off*

Guard 2, returning: Sir, I don’t know where it went-

Cat: *runs between Guard 2’s legs and runs off*

All the guards:

image
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