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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
Our DM Destroys a Player
“I was debating on adding a mind goblin.” -DM “Mind goblin?” -Player “MIND GOBLIN DEEZ NUTS??” -DM
everyone else proceeds to die laughing
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days ago
Player 1: Tell me where your boss is.
Bad guy: If I do will you let me leave without issue?
*Player 1 looks at player 2 and 3 who nod.*
2&3: Fine.
BG: Ok, we have a deal. Well if I know my boss, he’s long gone. He doesn’t do violence.
P1: So you don’t even know where he is?
BG: Probably took a speed boat to somewhere else. *Player 1 shoots him*
P3: (Player 1)???
P1: Let him go my ass… we pulled over to try to help him when we thought he was a stranded guy with car problems, then he kidnapped us and left us for fucking dead, THEN when we stumble upon him again he immediately tries to kill us and have all his lackeys kill us, and THEN he has the balls to try to make a deal and not even have the info we asked for? He’s lucky I didn’t put the bullet through his skull.
P2: Goddamn, I thought you were a doctor…
P1: I have a PHD in Physics and you don’t need to take the Hippocratic Oath for that one. Keep up.
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yourplayersaidwhat · 14 hours ago
I've got a butterknife against Lightning-Hands McPalpatine, what am I supposed to do?!
our very stressed 2hp rogue, not knowing that they’re about to strike the killing blow against an evil sorcerer who already hit them with two lightning spells
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yourplayersaidwhat · 16 hours ago
Background: My character (Rob) is the twin sister with another player’s character (Bob). We’re both rogues, but we both multiclassed. Rob into fighter, Bob into warlock. Both of us have the ‘actor’ feat, have high charisma and are experts in deception. As you can imagine we have caused pure chaos. Here is the best example from last session. The other PC’s have not yet been able to tell the two apart.  Paladin: Bob use fire! He’s weak to fire!
Me: I’m the magic one idiot!
DM: Roll deception, paladin roll insight. 
Me: *Passes* 
Bob: Seriously we’ve been together for months and you still can’t tell whose who! 
Paladin: Someone just throw fire at it! Which ever one of you has fire!
Bob: That’s really rude Paladin! We don’t get you confused!
Me: Yah you tell him Rob!
Barbarian: This is why I call them Ob! You can’t go wrong.
Our sorcerer, as you can imagine, was the MVP of this fight. 
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yourplayersaidwhat · 3 hours ago
Blood Hunter: I want to test my new wand.  I aim it at a tree.   DM: There are no trees nearby.   Blood Hunter: I aim it at a building.   DM: There are no buildings nearby.   Blood Hunter: I aim it… left.  DM: Druid and Bard, make dexterity saving throws.  
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
The elven paladin and her elven cleric buddy from the same temple keep rolling the same initiatives.
“Yeah, so we move in lockstep and synchronize our fighting like a dance.”
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days ago
Bad guy: “Oh, it all ends so poetically-“
PC: “How is it poetic?”
Bad guy: “Huh?”
PC: “How is it poetic? I don’t get it, explain it to me.”
Bad guy: “You… you were looking for your researcher friend who had supposedly found Daedalus’s labyrinth. And now we, who have your friend, are throwing you into the labyrinth he found to die.”
PC: “….that’s not really poetic. It’s ironic at best.”
Bad guy: “….can someone just throw them into the labyrinth already?!”
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yourplayersaidwhat · 23 hours ago
Me: *refers to the old campaign as 'season one'*
DM: pf- season one??
Me: yeah! This campaign is season two, and the one I'm running is a spinoff series since it's in the same universe as the first one.
DM: I love that so much
Me: (other players) one shot was a holiday special.
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days ago
"This horse is named Buttons."
"Um I can speak to horses and it is definitely not named Buttons. Its name is NEIGH"
"Which means Buttons."
"Yeah you're right."
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days ago
"That was a great barbeque, [druid], but where did you get the meat? I remember fighting bandits, but not animals-"
Party’s Rogue, a brief moment before remembering the cannibal tendencies of the druid.
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
Druid: Well, the rogue has pissed off the pirates and the city guard, and we were already fighting some cultists…
Wizard: Let’s find some dragons and make them mad too, so then we’ll have enemies in the sky, sea, and land!
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days ago
We were running through a forest in Pathfinder. I have an Android Barbarian, who weilds a large-sized butchering axe. As we were running, a manticore jumped out in front of us.
DM: Alright, Apex (my incredibly prideful barbarian), you go first
Me: Alright, without slowing down I'm gonna swing my axe at it.. that's a 19, so I crit, with a +12 to hit. Three d8 is.. 22, plus my ten, and then my times three multiplier is 126 damage
DM, sighing: Okay. While running through the forest, you slam your axe into the manticore hard enough to cut it in half, killing it instantly
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yourplayersaidwhat · 5 hours ago
You know like ten different languages how is not a single one of them elvish?
-The paladin asking my (Sherlock Homes like but more obsessive to solve mysteries) hermit inquisitive rogue who has the linguist and prodigy feats. 
My reply? “I know celestial, common, deep speech, infernal, sylvan, thieves'cant, undercommon, and abyssal. What’s your excuse for not knowing elvish?"  Apparently NONE of the party knows elvish which seems like an oversight. 
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yourplayersaidwhat · 18 hours ago
(Context: We’re in a cavern fighting pirates and their guard dogs. I was too far back to deal damage so I held my action to heal the already-damaged monk if he took more damage.)
Monk: I’m gonna punch the dog. *rolls a Nat 1* Oof!
DM: Oof. You go to punch the dog, you whiff it, hit the wall, and break your– which hand is your dominant hand?
Monk, OOC: Well, I’m right-handed so I guess [Monk] is too.
DM: Alright, you break your right hand and take 3 damage.
DM: …Oh my god.
Monk: Fuck yeah!
Bard: *rolls an 8 for healing with Healing Word*
DM: …Jesus Christ. You punch a wall, break your hand, and heal for 5 HP.
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days ago
Context: Artificer made a gift (mini statue thing) for his gay hypersexual uncles
Artificer, explaining: they’re holding each other’s dicks
me, the DM: They’re what?
Artificer: holding each other’s dicks!
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days ago
Artificer: “When are you going to learn-“
Paladin/Barbarian: “LEARNING IS NOT HOW I DO”
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days ago
Fighter (OOC): It wouldn’t be the first time a member of our party has become an inter-dimensional doorway to the demon realm
Bard (OOC): It wouldn’t even be the second time!
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
As we approach the underground templar of the fallen god Unklar, whose followers are trying to bring him back, the paladin beings to sing:
Unklar’s body lies a mouldering in the grave!
Unklar’s body lies a mouldering in the grave!
Unklar’s body lies a mouldering in the grave!
And his soul is moldy too!
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
Context: I had drawn knight from the deck of many things and named my new follower Reginald.
Me: “Reginald, are you or are you not a magic slave,”
DM: “I love being your magic slave, sir!”
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
I’m just gonna lick the iron chain I stole from the warlock guy
-my gnome cleric, upon taking the chain off a pendant and giving the pendant back to the guy, but not the chain. iron is tasty what can i say
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