For sale: one early 80’s Craftsman riding lawn mower with an 11 horse power engine and 30″ mowing deck. Bottom line, this beast is a sick ride! In fact, I’d even say it’s the El Camino of yard whips. Just take a look at those sweet ass rims. So dope they look rented. #arethosedubs?
Wait, is that a chicken in the background? Damn straight! Because the Craftsman riding lawn mower was considered the barnyard pimp of its day. Get yer yerrd on, fool!
Is it fast? Ever heard of old school 3 on the tree? Well, this whip’s got 8 on the hip. That’s right, 8 screamin’ gears of merciless speed! Need to mow that $h!t Richard petty style? No problem. Snappin’ necks and mowin’ decks, homie…
Just look at this beast. It even has the original factory pin striping. This NASCAR style speed demon will look quick just sitting in your driveway. Neighbors be like “SMH with envy.” Don’t dare put this baby in the shed. She deserves the garage. #nooneputsbabyinthecorner
Does it run, you ask? HELLS YEAH! Like a pack of Kenyans on crystal meth! This bad boy just got a carburetor rebuild, new seals all the way around and a brand new battery installed. Turns over quicker than your prom date. And you don’t even need to buy it wine coolers.
Don’t get me started on the mowing deck! 30 full inches of precision slicin’ and dicin’. Cuts better than Edward Scissor Hands and Lorena Bobbit in a knife fight. And this blade runner has 8 cutting heights! Go full Brazilian with a 1 inch cut, or bring your field of dreams up to 8 inches, 1970’s style; your choice. All I’m sayin’ is this mo-fo fades a lawn better than a set of hair clippers at Fantastic Sams. Whaaaa?
But can I mow with it at night, you ask? Who hasn’t awoken at O’dark:30 to mow their lawn black ops style? No problem with this night rider. It has a fully functioning head light, Michael. #Getyerdarkon
Pretty sure this man-ride is the luxury model. It’s equipped with a plush pleather spring ride seat for those Brokeback yards, 10 inch Kung Fu grip steering wheel and rubberized foot pads. Ain’t no footloose goin’ on up in here. Safety first, homies!
You: So how much is this Kentucky bluegrass love machine?
Me: Just $500.°°.
You: Wait, what?
Me: That’s right, you heard me, only $500 greenbacks.
The world: How is that possible?
Me: my family and I have enjoyed using this cutting-deck of dope-ness since it’s immaculate inception back in the 80’s. Can you say one owner? Yup!
It’s time this black pearl set sail and find another crew to roll with. It’s faded many lawns in its day and is looking for the greener grass on your side of the fence.
Don’t wait to call or you’ll be tellin’ stories about the one that got away for the rest of your life, or call me now and become the lawn jockey you always dreamed to be.
No texts, please. I need to hear your voice and know that this family pet is going to a 100% full blooded american. #Merica
Mal x Reader || Drabble
Plot: While you're mooning over Scott who's clearly fallen head-over-heels for Courtney, Mal is watching you from shadows, and thinking- hmm, they're not too sickening...
Warnings: Mal enjoying your heartbreak and calling it love, and Scott referring once to 'Mike' as 'Split Personality'.
What is it about Courtney, that boys just love!? You wonder, bitterly, watching her screech at Zoey over asking to use some of her Fancy Pants shampoo. She's awful! God, just say no!
As Courtney disappears into the bathroom, leaving a hurt-looking Zoey behind, you lay back on your bed and groan. Boys are just after one thing, you guess.
Shallow, discriminate, butt faces! Who needs them?
Then you get up suddenly with a huff and decide to walk off your mood, passing Scott on the way to the woods, hesitating on going forward because you consider saying hello- before shaking your head and stalking off on your way.
But immediately slouch when you're out of sight.
Right... you need them... Well, you need - want, - him, at least. And why?? You have no clue! The boy eats dirt- and yet your heart still flutters at that slow country drawl. Its an honest-to-god mystery to you, but that's how it is.
Sighing and grinding your fingers tips on both hands back through your hair, in frustration, you sit down suddenly on a log. Then close your eyes.
Calm down... No use coming apart over a boy. Focus on the winning this thing.
When he sees you walk off from the camp, passing Scott and eyes flickering to him before continuing on with your nose in the air, Mal decides to follow. Better than hanging around the rest of these idiots, for sure- you're a lot more fun to watch.
On the way, he twists the tap attached to the cabin on; Sending a jet of cold water to hit Scott in the ass. Mal's chuckling as he walks off; The sound of dirt boy's screams music to his ears.
Mal's fully aware of your feelings for the greasy ginger, which is why he's not a fan of Scott... even less then the others. Which, naturally, has made Scott into his favourite target.
Its not entirely that he's jealous... no... he's not bothered with dumb, weak emotions like that.
Its just that- you're his. He's claimed you. And Scott needs to know that; Hard part is, the guy's missing one or two mud clots from the weird dirt-farmer picnic he's on. So, he hasn't caught the hint yet.
... Which is fine. Mal thinks, a cruel smirk twisting across his face. Just means I get to torture him some more.
Suddenly you sit down on a log, a few metres ahead of him on the trail. Mal stops- watching you hold up your face in your hands, elbows digging into your knees, and close your eyes. The sigh that leaves your lips is just precious; Just so sad, and tired. Pathetic, really. If he could reveal his position without showing you that something is off with 'Mike', then Mal would kiss you for it.
One day... He promises, sitting down on a rock a little further into the brush- so he can see you, but you cant see him even if you opened your eyes.
You're not moving, not doing anything, but you're still a sight to see. Especially all 'forlorn', like this. Its freakishly cute, and a vision he's not likely to get bored of any time soon. Not with Scott falling over his own feet for that Courtney chick.
So... really, Mal should be thanking Scott. A chuckle escapes Mal, as gentle and quiet as he can muster it to be. If he wasn't such an oblivious moron, then you would never look like this. And that would be a darn shame.
... But then again, rolling his eyes, the malevolent one shakes his head. Having you moon over the slimy bastard all the time can be annoying. If only you could see him, not Mike. He'd have you in no time.
He would make sure of it.
All of a sudden, the sound of pecking alerts Mal to something above. His neck snaps, looking up at the tree tops above you both- or, well, more specifically, above you.
Theirs a woodpecker up there and chipping away at a branch, getting pretty close to it snapping actually, and its right... above... your... head.
Only slightly alarmed, Mal looks back down to you, to find you still moping and pouting and while that's adorable- you haven't noticed the branch. Which Mal cant fault you for, exactly. No one is quite as in tune with chaos and misfortune, as he is.
Sventlana told him that.
But oh fuck his heart is beating as fast as the bird is pecking that branch off the tree and that branch is heavy, and its going to fall on you, and before he is even thinking- he's crossed the area between you both and grabbed you up and a metre away, seconds before the branch slams down onto the log you were perched on.
Eyes wide as dinner plates and shocked as hell, you take a moment just to stare.
At that branch.
That nearly crushed you.
And possibly killed you.
Then slowly you look over to the boy that saved you, finding Mike still holding you to his chest as he looks - uncharacteristically, - grimly at the offending piece of tree. Holy shit holy shit holy shit!-...
That's all that's going through your head. Like a screen with just ones and zeroes sliding across it every which way, you've got the words 'Holy shit' bouncing around in your mind in various fonts, sizes, and colours. Holy shit holy shit holy shit! Your heart is pounding in your chest, still feeling the rush of Mike wrenching you up from your log and dragging your body violently away from the scene of the would-have-been crime, when you were calm-as-could-be up til the second he touched you.
Holy shit holy shit holy shit!- Okay, you need to calm down.
First slowly taking a deep breath in, eyes closed once again momentarily, you turn to Mike and let it out; Eyes opening to look at his face.
He's looking back at you, then suddenly, expression confusing to you- As its halfway between frustrated and relieved. You manage a wonky smile up at him and chalk his face up to shock. "... Well. That was... terrifying."
As your heart beat starts to return to normal, you start to relax and realise you're still in his arms. And he's still being silent, and looking kind of... scary.
Slipping awkwardly free, while his arms flop to their sides - seemingly unbothered by your taking your freedom back, yet a little aggressive about it, - you look back up at him, sincerely. "Thank you so much, Mike. I- I- I coulda died! And it had nothing to do with Chris' stupid challenges- I'm not sure whether that's better or worse, actually."
Suddenly Mike seems to come alive, and you feel relieved. So it was just the shock then- why he was acting so still, and weird. He smiles an awkward, gap toothed grin and waives you off. "Oh- don't mention it! I just saw the woodpecker- and- well I wouldn't let you die!- " Suddenly he cuts off and your eyes widen again, at 'die', because his voice suddenly got impossibly deep and strangled. He starts coughing, abruptly, and you think Well he must have gotten some gook stuck in his throat.
Smiling gently, you hold you hands onto your hips. "Still, thank you so much. So much- I owe you one!"
"Naw," Mike shake his head. Then an idea occurs to him, and his eyes brighten. Or, at least, his face does. "Hey! Just don't try to vote me off next elimination, okay? Ha ha." He jokes, winking. There is something odd, though, about the way he said it... something serious. But either way, you nod and give a little laugh.
"Of course I wont."
"- Y/N!" Suddenly Scott bursts through the bushes. "I heard somethin' loud! What in the heck happened??" He comes up to you immediately, wide eyed and shocked. He looks you over quickly, making your heart throb because he, Scott, Season 4 villain Scott, was worried about you... "Are you alright??!"
"Oh- I'm fine! Mike saved me."
"Mike?" Scott looks around like he didn't even notice the boys presence, and immediately rolls his eyes. "Oh, Mike... "
"Hey!" Mike waives, naïve and chirpy.
Scott groans and guides you around by the shoulders, pushing you off back to camp. "Yeah, whatever, lets get you out of here so nothin' else happens that old Split Personality's gotta save you from, okay? C'mon."
As the idiotic, evil-wannabe, farmer boy guides your willing body back away from him, Mal's face crumples back into its preferred scowl.
He had you for a second there, trapped in his arms- if he had wanted to, he could have kept you there. It would have been easy.
He thinks maybe he should have done that; Just refused to let you go. Then Scott never would have been able to get his hands back on you and take you away from him.
Well- next time, that's exactly what he'll do.
For now he'll just try not to think about the whole, uh, 'saving you', thing... That was weird.
I'm a Dead Girl Walking
Pairings: Timothée Chalamet x overweight, theatre kid!Reader
Warnings: sex scene no smut (it's heaters come on...), established relationship, confident reader, Timmy being the best bf ever😃
In red = Jason Dean/J.D.
()= Description of your action while singing
Summary: Your college does a Heaters musical and you landed the main role. Now you need to do the scene you dreaded for months.
A/N: I am dying for this Heaters content on my tiktok fyp and this song has always been my fav so... let's go!
You were backstage going through your lines mentally, trying so hard not to scream in excitement. Three months ago, you would've been crying, refusing to go on stage to perform "Dead Girl Walking". Now, you were more then ready to show your boyfriend and everyone how good at singing and how hot you are. Your co-star was already on scene on the prop bed waiting for the scene to start. Your scene director reminds you not to accidently take your bra off too, because that would get everyone here in trouble. You nod your head and she smiled at you. "Go get 'em Veronica!" She gives you the signal to enter the stage and you do. You take a big last breath and the music starts.
"The demon queen of high school has decreedit She says Monday, 8 a.m, I will be deleted They'll hunt me down in study hall Stuff and mount me on the wall Thirty hours to live How shall I spend them
I don't have to stay and die like cattle I could change my name and ride up to Seattle But I don't own a motorbike Wait, here's an option that I like
(You watch the the prop window and smile mischeviously to the public)
Spend these 30 hours gettin' freaky, yeah
(The public is already screaming of joy with this familiar scene. They are some that whistle)
I need it hard I'm a dead girl walking I'm in your yard I'm a dead girl walking
(You hit the notes at perfections like you rehearsed. You are feeling yourself so much right now.)
Before they punch my clock I'm snappin' off your window lock Got no time to knock, I'm a dead girl walking
Veronica, what are you doing in my room
Sorry, but I really had to wake you See, I decided I must ride you 'til I break you 'Cause Heather says I gots to go You're my last meal on death row Shut your mouth and lose them tighty-whities
(You trail your flirty, pointing finger from his cheek to his crotch. The crowd is at the edge of their seats.)
Come on Tonight I'm yours I'm your dead girl walking
(You push J.D. on his back on the bed. You climb in with him. He is looking at you suddenly interested.)
Get on all fours Kiss this dead girl walking Let's go, you know the drill I'm hot and pissed and on the pill Bow down to the will of a dead girl walking
And you know, you know, you know It's 'cause you're beautiful You say you're numb inside But I can't agree So the world's unfair Keep it locked out there In here it's beautiful Let's make this beautiful
(You touch his face, his heart and torso with love trying to make Veronica's point valuable.)
That works for me
(He takes off his shirt with the interval music. You take a quick breath then remove your blazer. He is half naked and you push him on his back. You then climb is middle, kissing him hard. This positon makes it look like he's in you but he's clearly not. There's clothes seperating you two. You stop kissing him and "ride" him.)
Yeah, full steam ahead Take this dead girl walking
How'd you find my address
Let's break the bed Rock this dead girl walking
I think you tore my mattress
No sleep tonight for you Better chug that Mountain Dew
Get your ass in gear Make this whole town disappear
Slap me, pull my hair Touch me there and there and there
(You direct his hands on your waist then your right breast and left one. He tores you button up open leaving you only in your very fancy bra. Everyone present screams. You hear Timothée screaming: " That's my girl!". You feel great.)
And no more talking Love this dead girl walking Love this dead girl walking
Love this dead girl Yeah, yeah, yeah Ow Yeah (J.D's hand is sliding up your bare tummy on the final note. The lights shut off and eveybody is clapping like crazy. You are so proud.)"
You and your co-star get off stage and hug each other. You director hugs you two and tells you to go change, and fast, for the other scene. You finish the musical and everybody is praising you for your acting and singing. You are wearing a cute blue dress which makes a good contrast with Veronica's style. Your boyfriend is in a corner trying not to have anybody recongnize him has to not steal your beautiful needed moment. You see him and wink at him, continuing your talk with your co-star's mom. She was plus size and told you how much it meant for her to finally see representation in the musical theatre departement. You hugged her hard and she cried a tiny bit. Representation really is important.
After one hour of back an furth chats with pretty much everyone there,you excused yourself for the night. You made your way to Timothée and once you got there, he hugged and kissed you passionately. "I love you so much Y/N. You were amazing!" He peppered you with kisses and you were giggling. He let you go and took your hand. "Thank you. I love you more, Timmy. I am kind of tired. Could we head home?" You asked feeling the performance dragging your eyes down. "Sure. But first..." You looked at him confused hut then he went closer to your right ear. "Tomorrow, Imma need MY dead girl walking though." He smirked after whispering the information and you blushed hard.
He was definitely the one. He was so amazing. So perfect. So.... you don't even know, but he is soooo much more.