#she can't be selfish because she'll lose everything anyway

[luveline]

jade roan being jealous of eddie cause reader is taking care of eddie on a sick day, i know youre working on halloween reqs but i just cant get this off my mind 😭😭 hope you do this after the celebration 💗

thank you for your request! roan being jealous / sad because you're being really sweet on her dad and leaving her out :( ♡ dad!eddie x fem!reader | 1.8k words

"Hello, Mr. Munson," you say quietly, unsurprised to find Eddie exactly where you'd left him. 

"Roan?" he asks hoarsely. 

You want to ask something sarcastic, like No, why? Have I shrunk? But he's really pitifully ill, so you answer his implied question without any wit. "She had to pee. I thought she was gonna wet herself in the car, she couldn't stop wiggling." 

"Told her she has to stop holding it, she'll," — Eddie coughs, a crunchy, awful sound — "hurt herself." 

"I know," you murmur, raking a limp curl away from his weathered face. You know pretty much everything there is to know about Roan at this point, and near enough the same about him.

You kiss his cheek and linger there. You love taking care of him because he's yours, but you miss your healthy, present Eddie too. Poor guy's been sick for almost a week now, and while Roan has helped out endlessly by being on her best behaviour, you need him to keep the ship afloat. Thankfully, he seems to be in the recovery process, and his fever's been gone for days. 

"You feeling any better?" 

"I feel awesome," he says, dropping a heavy arm around your back. 

You take his face into both hands. You'd worried he'd make you sick too at first but whatever it is he has he's yet to pass on. You figure if it was catching you would've felt it by now, and you can't say you care too much when you steal a kiss. He tries his very best to reciprocate, his exhale hot as it fans over your top lip. 

He peels his dry eyes open as you pull away, and you remind yourself to get him a hot towel or a tea tincture, something to ease the soreness. 

"You're on the up and up, handsome," you say. 

Eddie's never been sick like this while you've been together. Colds and the flu when you have a kid as young as Roan are a given; you've both fallen victim to her runny noses and sore throats a thousand times. They're easy enough to work through, especially when Eddie makes his lemon and honey tea. But this sickness, a virus, has had Eddie up against the wall. He's really worried you. 

He can see it on your face. 

"I'm actually feeling way better," he says, sounding extremely like himself despite the undertone of scratchiness to his voice. "Got a damn good nurse looking after me."

Roan's footsteps echo up the stairs. You don't turn to look at her as she enters the bedroom, hand stroking sweet, shaky lines down his stubbly cheeks. 

"Hey, Roanie," he says, shifting so he can see her from behind you. "D'you have a good day at school? Come and tell us." 

"Daddy!" she cheers, climbing up onto the bed and walking across it. Eddie pulls her skirt out of her tights where she's accidentally tucked it in, almost losing an arm as she collapses into his side. 

"Roan," you chide gently, "be nice, baby, your dad's still fragile." 

Eddie wraps his arm around, sending you a very grateful look as he says, "It's okay, I didn't like that arm very much anyway. Now c'mon, I wanna hear all about it. Did Stacy K remember her show and tell?" 

Roan starts to recount the day's events, little legs tucked under her knees and the top of her body draped over Eddie's chest. You keep a selfish hand on the very edge of his face, thumb petting his cheek. After a short few minutes his eyes start to droop. He tightens his arm around Roan and rubs her back, her soft cardigan bunching up under his hand. 

"Baby, I'm still feeling icky, okay? Maybe you can tell me the rest later?" he mumbles, hand slowing.

"You can tell me double," you offer distractedly, frowning at Eddie's unhappy face. He doesn't look peaceful anymore, he looks tired. Ragged. 

"Okay," Roan says, kissing Eddie's cheek three times in a row. You can't tell if she's upset by his lack of attention. She doesn't look upset, but she can be surprisingly deceptive. 

She slides off of the bed. Her steps stop at the door. "Mom?" she asks. 

You beam at Eddie's dozing face and give his slack cheek another quick kiss. 

"What?" you ask Roan, turning away from her dad with a smile. Everytime she calls you 'mom' it makes your day, and today is no exception.

"Can we have spaghetti shapes?" 

You squeeze Eddie's arm before you stand and meet her in the doorway, looking down at her mini features with a fond smile. "Yeah, we can have spaghetti shapes. They had princess one's in Bradley's," you say, suddenly excited as you remember. 

"Really?" 

"Mm. But there's spongebob if you want those ones instead." 

Roan takes your hand and starts to pull you toward the steps. "Princess ones, duh! Please." 

You watch Eddie's face until you can't, following Roan down the stairs and into the kitchen. 

You love how it's started to look as much like her and Eddie's kitchen than just your own. Her drawings and certificates litter the fridge, a family portrait pride of place and secured with upwards of five magnets so it doesn't fall off. There's sugary cereal across the top of the bread cabinet and a safety catch on the drawer with all the batteries. Cartoon characters are everywhere — on plates, spoons, Roan's placemat, and the spaghetti shapes themselves. You crack open a can and place a pan over the burner. 

"What do you want with them, princess? A dinner roll?" 

She wraps herself around your legs. "Two dinner rolls."

"Yeah? You must be hungry from all the running around this morning." 

When you'd dropped her off, her and her friend Jordan had decided they needed to run a race around the playground. You'd cheered from the sidelines.

"Can you pick me up?" she whines. 

You drop the wooden spoon you'd been stirring her spaghetti with into the pan and look down at her pleading pout. "Aw, yeah, I'm sorry." 

You pick her up and find her head quickly buried in your neck. She's almost as warm as the stovetop. You work your hand against her head and feel her temperature, concerned for a moment.

"I thought maybe you were sick like daddy, then, but you feel okay," you say softly, stroking curls back from her face. She's started hiding behind her hair like her dad more often. "Come out, I wanna see your lovely face." 

Roan lifts her chin. 

"That's what your dad said to me when we met. I'd never heard that word before I met you," you tell her. 

"What word?" 

"'Lovely,'" you say. 

She smiles with you for a couple of seconds but then it falters, and she looks at your necklace instead. A gift from her and her dad for mother's day. You'd cried for hours. 

"What's the matter?" you ask, eyebrows pinching together. 

"Nothing." 

You readjust your grip on her hips and lean back against the counter to stop from dropping her. She's getting heavier every single day. 

"Are you sure? You can tell me." 

Roan shrugs. It's adorable, though her next words are heartbreaking. "I don't know," she admits. 

"Are you feeling sick?" 

She shakes her head but won't look at you. You hold onto her tight and wait for her to continue, if she's even going to, the clock on the wall ticking in the quiet, the smell of spaghetti sauce sticky in your nose. 

"Are you sad about something? Did you… have an accident?" 

She shakes her head again. "No, I didn't. It's 'coz… I feel bad." 

"But not sick?"

"Not sick." 

"Oh no," you murmur, biting the inside of your bottom lip as her small face crumples. "Please tell me, Ro. I don't mind what it is, I promise." 

"I feel bad," she says again. "I miss dad." 

You feel your eyebrows jump. It makes sense for her to miss him, he's hardly awake when she's been home and they haven't had much time together all week. It's a sudden change. You feel very guilty very quickly for not realising it. 

"I'm sorry," you tell her genuinely. 

"I miss you, too. We don't have our hug after school now." 

Your guilt amplifies by a thousand. You haven't been spending that time with her after school, too busy checking on your bed bound partner. 

"Aw, Roan, I'm sorry, I've just been so worried about daddy, I didn't mean to forget." 

"You've been giving daddy hugs," she says insistently. 

You lean back further to take in her face. Her cheeks are red with blush, whether that be blood rush from embarrassment or injustice, you're unsure. She's frowning at your chin, eyes flicking up to meet yours. When she realises you're watching her she looks away and starts wiggling to be put down again. 

"Roan, it's okay," you start, arms crossing over her back. You angle your face to get her attention, holding her gaze. Pretty brown eyes edged in dark, long eyelashes like her dad's. "It's okay, bub. Don't wriggle, I wanna talk to you. Can I talk to you?" 

She pouts some more. You pout back, bringing a hand up to the back of her head. 

"I'm sorry I haven't been giving you as much attention as you dad this week," you say. You want to explain how hard it's been to handle everything by yourself, but you don't think it's the kind of thing she should ever have to worry about. "I'm really sorry, Roan, daddy's been so sick that I've been thinking about him all the time when I needed to be thinking about you too. I didn't mean to make you feel bad." Feel bad, feel jealous, feel upset by your redirected affection. "I love you so much. I didn't mean to forget our hugs, but it's okay if you're mad." 

Her spirits are lifted pretty swiftly after that. "We can hug again when daddy's not sick?" she asks. 

"We can hug right now!" you say urgently, carding your hand through her hair.

"On the couch?"

"Yeah, princess, on the couch. You can even eat your dinner on it if you promise not to tell dad." 

"You'll eat dinner with me?" she asks, suspicious. 

No tricks. "I promise." 

She smiles, a mirror image of her dad and all his mischief and her relief clear. "Okay, good, because I missed you and Teddy missed you and I didn't getta tell you about the rabbit we saw at school today. It was this big and it had pink eyes." 

-

You smile at her, a mixture of love and guilt. You're lucky to have a daughter like her, forgiving and patient, and you're lucky her dad did such an amazing job at making her that way. Rest assured, you won't forget your after school hugs again, even if Eddie's two bad coughs from the ER.

He appears an hour later to find you snuggled up on the couch, jealous and petty about it as he slots himself between you both. You and Roan hold hands over his chest. Munson cuddle piles are the best.

more eddie and roan

#eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson #eddie munson x fem!reader #dad!eddie munson x reader #dad!eddie munson #eddie and roan #stranger things x reader #stranger things fic #stranger things #kid fic #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson fandom

[exilethegame]

What is the scariest thing about the ROs, the royal family members, and both versions of Trystan?

... this is actually pretty interesting. I also can't say too much because for some of them this is major spoiler territory but...

Vethna's magic is illusionary... and they used to be very, very powerful. Now listen, I'm not saying it's WandaVision levels of manipulation, but I'm definitely not not saying that.

Every scale in Nikke + Jost's snake tattoos represents a person they've killed personally.

... both of their tattoos are completely covered and filled in.

Amilia has done nothing wrong ever! :) (That's actually kinda not a joke she really hasn't done anything as bad as the others)

Sabir definitely did not earn his seat in the Council just be being a stellar dude. Take that as you will (while taking into account just how awful everyone else in the Council is).

Syfyn is just scary in general, isn't she? She has the force to break someone's ribs and spines in a single kick and has crushed someone's skull with her bare hands-- and she will do it again if the situation calls for it. She'll steal the life from you and the only thing you'll be met with is a stare of complete and utter apathy. You were too weak to ever be of any consideration to her, anyways.

Freedom isn't human, or mortal, or even akin to the immortal races of the realm. They are a concept embodied; an idea turned to physicality. You look into their eyes and feel as if you're staring into an abyss that's just calling for you to leap into it with no regard for your life, your future, your past. They're something, ancient, eternal, and entirely inconceivable. Just standing near them gives you the deep primitive instinct that something is so very, very, incredibly wrong.

Marcelle is perfectly aware of the objective reality of everything she's done. She's under no illusion that she's a good person or is doing a good thing. But she does view it as being 100% necessary. So much so, that she's willing to completely disregard her own humanity and emotions to achieve it. Her goal is a monstrosity, and yet it is an entirely selfless one.

Emeline is the opposite of Marcelle. She's entirely selfish. She can, and will, put herself under an illusion to pretend she's in the right-- that her wife is in the right. And for a while, there really was no limit on how far that could be pushed. She could justify anything.

Esmerelda has the potential of both her mothers within her. She has Mother's coldness and willingness to commit atrocities burrowed deep within her, and somewhere else, the potential to completely burrow her head into the ground and pretend that everything she's doing is alright. She's not like that now... but it's always a possibility. It's something she thinks about. A lot.

Hardened Trystan is basically the equivalent of the most ruthless version of the Commander you could play in the past. Completely committed to duty, entirely self-sacrificing, filled to the brim with some terrible mix of apathy and hatred and self-loathing. I suppose the scariest thing about them, put simply, is that in their mind, they have nothing left to lose.

Softened Trystan is the opposite. They're too emotional-- too volatile. They're prone to overreaction and can go from kind to rageful in seconds. They're completely and entirely unpredictable, and with someone as strong as Trystan is... well, it's not a good thing. In a massacre of innocents, they will somehow always find themself the victim.

#finishing old asks! #answered #vethna #nikke #amilia #jost #syfyn #sabir #freedom #marcelle #emeline #esmerelda #trystan

[chilly-me-softly]

It's okay until it's not • Ben Chilwell

Sadness brings sad fic. Be aware there's mention of cancer, even if not explicitly the fiction goes around that topic so I'll understand if you don't want to read it. As always though I hope you like it x

She met Ben when her life needed a change, something powerful that would make her feel emotions that she hadn't been allowed to feel until then. He was one of the few people in her new life who knew her story, who had not treated her differently. One of the few, if not the only one, to whom she had shown her medical record. Everything related to one deleterious disease.

Everything was going in the right direction. She had a job, hobbies, a boyfriend, her social life was quite satisfying and her tests were always within the norm. Everything was fine until it wasn't.

She finds herself in his house when she can't pretend anymore, her legs give out and if it weren't for Ben she would also have a nice bruise to remind her of what happened for the next few days. Ben is worried sick, makes her lie on the couch and checks on her every three seconds even though she has been alert since practically the moment afterwards.

She promises him that she'll go and get some tests to make him feel more relaxed, that it's probably just because she hasn't been eating properly in those days. Because the lecture about eating properly is more bearable than admitting that this is not the first time this has happened to her lately. That there could be more to it.

But in the end she goes for a check-up anyway, her doctor immediately books her all the necessary tests once she explains what is happening to her. They are tense days, almost grateful that Ben is out half of them so she can hide behind some texts.

The test results come back not as she expected, her doctor filling her head with data and statistics and treatments and dates that she can't give proper attention to. She takes her time, the doctor talks about timing. She tells Ben  in the end it was just iron deficiency.

"I need to talk to you" Ben understands instantly this is serious, she has been looking at him for hours as if to gather courage to speak but each time she just stands there staring at him. But she has made a decision and it's only fair that he also learns about the situation, to take his due precautions.

"I lied to you. About my test results"

"It's back isn't it?" a tear escapes her control and he tries to wrap his arms around her to comfort her but she stops him, she knows she won't be able to get back on topic otherwise.

"No wait, I need to tell you some things first" he takes her hand, holding it tightly and thus showing her his closeness.

"It's back yes, and before you ask me what the next step will be-- I'm not going to have chemotherapy"

"What do you mean. Is there anything else you can try?" he asks, confusion clear on his face as he tries to take it all in.

"No, there isn't"

"There isn't or you don't want to?" the grip on her hand loses its power, the shock of even asking that question is too much.

"Ben, I don't want to undergo another round of treatment"

"Why?"

"Because it's already taken most of my life away from me and just now when I was getting it back... it's popping up again" her tone is bitter, almost dismissive that this is all happening again.

"No. No (y/n) you can't be serious" while his is incredulous as slowly it all starts to sink in, his wide eyes watching her while shaking his head.

"Ben please, I need you to understand"

"No! How can I?" and then anger, his coping mechanism after he finally understands and can't bring that thought back a second time. "You don't think about me? So I am nothing to you. Our relationship is not that important to you"

"Now you are selfish"

"Selfish, me? You're practically letting yourself die and I'm selfish?"

"You don't know what it's like - she snaps back at him, trying not to hold it against him - You weren't there before, everything I had to go through. The operations, the hospital, chemo, throwing up, all those side effects... it's easy to talk when you don't experience it first hand"

"You could do it. You could beat it again this time" but she is already shaking her head.

"And then what? What would I get out of it?"

"You'd get more time"

"How? And who would give me the assurance that I would be fine? Do you really want to live with the fear that it might come back at any moment exactly as it is now?" but he doesn't answer. "I'm tired Ben"

"So you're just informing me. You're not going to change your mind"

"No" she manages to reply, the lump in her throat signalling the coming of an impending cry that she has been trying to hold back for some time now.

And she doesn't hold back when Ben finally puts some distance between them. He needs time to process it all too, she couldn't hide it from him and knew that if she had left him he wouldn't have let her go so easily without fighting.

-

A couple of days later the doorbell rings echoing in the silence of her house, Ben at the door. His face is pale, his eyes sunken, a sign that he's not sleeping as he should and she's sorry to be the cause of it all because she wouldn't want this for him.

She lets him in, there's a bit of awkwardness between the two of them and there hadn't been on their first dates either. She doesn't want to assume his being there is to stay, she waits for him to speak but it's hard to put words in order.

"I've thought about it and I want to be there for you. If that's really your decision, I don't want to waste the remaining time arguing" she hugs him tightly reveling in his scent and his arms holding her tightly.

"That's what I want" she murmurs into the hug and he holds her even tighter to him, even though it hurts to hear that.

Over the next few months they try to act like they don't know about it, it's there in the corner of their heads ready to pop up again at any moment but they do everything they can to keep it from happening. They make it at parties as Ben watches her have fun and joins in, the smile on her lips the thing that makes him feel good the most. They make it when she wears his shirt and cheers for him, clumsily imitating in the dim light of their room an action of the game completely aroused and enraptured by the story, making him laugh until his stomach hurts.

He fails when he enters her house and finds her passed out on the kitchen floor.

"No no no no no (y/n) don't do this to me don't do this to me"

She knew that without treatment sooner or later the time would come when she would struggle more and more to recover. She fooled herself it would come as late as possible but with each passing day she realised something was changing, tiredness had started to take over her life now more times she dozed than she smiled.

"Hey" she quickly realised she's in a hospital bed. And she had always told him not to call for help, she knew if she went into that building she would hardly get out.

"You gave me quite a scare"

"I'm sorry" but she certainly can't scold him at that moment, when with just one look you can tell how scared he is. He is handsome though, she can't help but look at him and study him. "I had a dream about you"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"You'll be fine" it only takes a moment for his eyes to fill with tears.

#ben chilwell #ben chilwell imagine #ben chilwell imagines #ben chilwell one shot #football imagine #football imagines

[biblade]

i know ive said this probably a thousand times but the way that mal gets so much hate really does amaze me.

boy has a realistic negative reaction to finding out his best friend (who he has already started to drift away from lbr) has this major secret he thinks she's lied about, all these years. boy feels betrayed, feels alone, feels conflicted when he's faced with her again and she's quite literally at the top of the world, where she should have been all this time vs the shitty hole they were always in. boy says hurtful things because he's hurt, but still ultimately comes to help her against all odds because he loves her (because he's always loved her). boy almost dies trying to follow her, already lost his friends. boy puts on a brave face when against certain death anyways, because he has to. because he can't be the one afraid. because its who he is.

boy never allows himself to show otherwise, not after surviving by some miracle. boy and girl are finally free from everything: the war, the army, their past. (not from the memories but you can never really escape those, can you?) and it doesn't last, they're dragged back in so cruelly: boy is dragged back into a world he was never a part of. boy puts on a brave face against certain death, because he has to. because he's not going to be the reason alina dies. and by some miracle, they survive.

boy is in a world he was never a part of and that's never been more obvious, nobody thinks he belongs. but he stays for her, who refuses to drift away but... she will. he can't keep her and she won't give up on their country because she's good, and fair, and she's the only hope they've got. he is so, so terrified of losing her and he pushes her away, because he's only human. because she's not, and he tells himself this is easier. and he self destructs, but he won't show fear, because he can't. he'll lose her to this country, its inevitable.

and then he almost does lose her and, what? what is he supposed to do if not dig in deeper, to make sure she makes it out of this in one piece, sun queen or no? boy can lose everything, but he can't let her light leave this world. she's the only thing that's ever kept him out of the dark. and he can't be afraid. not after knowing he'll die, not after realizing he's it. the final puzzle piece. because she'll be okay without him, because he's tired and he just needs her to be okay. and is that selfishness woven into the selflessness of it all? does it matter?

there's no right way mal could have reacted to anything and expecting that of him is genuinely unfair.

#[BANGS MY POTS AND PANS TOGETHER] MAL DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!! #MAL TRIED HIS HARDESR WITH WHAT HE HAD!!!!!!!! #MAL DESERVES HIS HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND YOU CAN PRY THAT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS #╰ 🗡 𝐎𝐎𝐂 — himbo energy but like lesbian

[thechaoticfanartist]

Sometimes I think about Grim during Revenge Of The Sith.

It's only a few days, but so much happens, and Grim's mind rages.

At first she's plotting. Planning and strategizing in ways that she never does. She observes everything, plans everything. Her mind is running. She has a plan and if she could just execute it-

But she can't. That doesn't stop her. She's plotting all the way until they land on Courscant. She still plans.

She's going to talk now. She's going to tell the Jedi Council everything. She decides to let them know about Order 66, about Sidious, about Vader. All she can say is that what she's spent years trying to stop is the destruction of the Jedi Order. Then she chokes on her words because what if it's too late now? What if she can't stop it?

Still Grim tries to be hopeful. She tries to hold onto hope. There's hope. There's a chance. She's afraid and she's lost nearly all hope but it's still there-

She knows she's lost. It's over. Done. Why bother moving on? Why bother trying to change things? She loses all hope. She considers something she's never considered. She considers ending it for herself. She knows it's selfish, but if she's lost then what's the point? Grim knows that she'd just be more likely to die soon anyways. She knows the darkness is coming. And she doesn't want to be there when it arrives.

And yet the light is still there and the light protects her. The light stops her. The light gives her hope. It reminds her that even if she has failed then there will be a happy ending with time.

She holds onto that hope. Hopelessly holding onto it. That hope is her lifeline.

And then it happens. The entire galaxy falls in one instant. She's running blindly. She can't survive. She knows she'll die. Grim refuses to be killed by her brothers. Grim refuses to die because of what the Sith have done. She refuses to give Sidious that satisfaction. Grim may have lost, but she is still playing.

She falls back, and as she falls she realizes she doesn't want to die. It's too late. She'll die. Except she doesn't.

And she doesn't have hope.

She has been left with nothing but grief. And as she sees the darkness it consumes her.

The grief transforms into anger and hate. Grim goes to kill Anakin. Except she can't. She fails again. And all that's left is her own guilt. Grim blames herself for all the darkness that coats the once bright galaxy.

And at the end she has hope again. Finds it within the future, because she knows of that happy ending that will one day come. It's just not the ending she wanted to write. But there never was an ending for her to write. She could only write her own. It's only now at the end she sees that.

She loses so much hope and finds the light again despite the endless night.

#grim kennet #fic: the clone wars gets a new victim #tcwganv posts #long post #tw suicide mention #suicide mention tw #attempted suicide tw #tw attempted suicide

[cosmorom]

who i think can/can't die in st5 and why (long post):

eleven: it's pretty plausible she could die like a hero with a sacrifice, when she'll fight against henry again, but i simply don't believe it because it dosen't make sense? for all her narrative we see how she dosen't want being compared to a hero, she doesn't want to be a hero. el wants to be loved for who she is, not because she's cool with powers and she saved the world like 3(?) times. she wants to be loved like el, not 011. if in s5 they don't finish her story arc and put her at peace with herself, duh her death will just be heartbreaking and unfair. i would like to see that in some way, at the end of everything, she'll lose her powers (like in s3) and she just be in peace with her family and friends. however, this doesn't mean that the probability of her death is low.

will: well he just can't die because 1) the previous seasons will be like useless? the whole story starts because will is alive and has to survive (talking abt s1). 2) will is literally the only one who never had his happy ending at every end of the seasons. and he suffered enough. just give his happy ending with the boy he is in love with and with the love of his family. obviously, knowing him, if his intervention (even risky) is needed to kill vecna, he would not think twice and would immediately offer to die for the others, as he has already demonstrated. i just can't think about the fact that he will suffer more in the next season until the end (bc he will). give him a BREAK.

max: well the situation is actually complicated. she can die as she can't. i think if they wanted to kill max they killed her in s4. so i'm not totally sure about her. i mean clinically she was (or is she?) dead...her mind is lost (in vecna's?). i don't know. i have doubts. i hope she won't leave us for good.

lucas: i don't think he'll die duh, he won't

dustin: recently, after, some declarations by the actors... i have a lot of doubts about dustin. pratically there's a lot question and theories that he could die with steve ("if you die, i die"), and this totally makes sense. yet dustin is devasted about eddie's (and max's) deaths, and we will see this much more clearly in the next season. i don't know if he will tolerate even steve's (we'll talk about him later). i don't know, i'm scared about him. i'll explain better later.

mike: so, i think they'll do something with mike like vecna'd but he won't die. just sayin': what would be the happy ending for will if mike died? yeah, this is a pretty selfish example, but it's the truth. and mike just can't die, he deserves some happines in this somewhat dark period for him. i swear i will punch someone (a lot of dudes) if he dies.

erica: nah she's a girlboss she just can't die

suzie: no

nancy: she's a girlboss too but i'm not sure she's totally safe rn, it's not sure that she won't die, that's it.

robin: there's not any reason for killing her, facts.

argyle: duh???

jonathan: doubts. many doubts. too many doubts. he could. duh i don't want this.

steve: 99,9% he's fucked. listen. it's too obvious. in the next season he will (finally) understands and accepts that he dosen't need romantic love in his life to be happy (reminds me of someone or am i wrong? right, el?) and he will probably die like a hero or something. he's the only one with (almost) full character development, when jonathan still has many things to solve. and the fans love steve. he'll die. and if dustin will die with him i'd- anyway...talking again about dustin. i'm scared about the fact that when (not if) steve dies, he will die in dustin arms (like someone else, his name starts with e and finish with ddie munson.) my boy dustin will be so fucking tired.

eddie: "he seems pretty fucking dead to me" lmfao i'm sorry

vickie: nah

joyce: she can't right????

hopper: he already cosplayed Jesus, that's enough

murray: probably.

enzo: also probably.

lonnie: yes because he deserves it.

vecna-001-henry: yes.

#byler #< target audience #stranger things #stranger things 5 #st theories

[ayekha]

mmm

death and abuse in the tags

#yeah. my nana is gonna die soon and i had been thinking about calling her for *months* and never did #because i never. showed her my transition she never saw me post-op she has. no idea who i am #she's gonna die before ever really meeting me and i am never going to get her to see me and i was. selfish? #to just be so consumed with fear that anything i told her would just make its way back to my old man #because it's been no-contact for maybe like #four years now? coming up on five in october i think. and for good reason. and i can't. see him. y'know. like i can't. #and going to hospice going to a service going anywhere he might be is dangerous. i have almost no family because of hiding from him. #and that is usually. fine. i guess. because i hate most of them anyway they're just as cruel and disgusting but. #i love my uncle joe? i love my sister? and i do love my nana. even if she's hurt me so much too. #i want to at least. see her or pay some respects when i can but i don't know *when* i can because of this hurdle. #i can't go to a service. i am literally unable now to go to my own grandmother's funeral service. because her son decided to [redacted] me #how is. how is that fair how is that like. okay. on any level how is it okay that he gets to keep his family and i am excised from it #the same way his first victim was excommunicated and we were all fed lies about why that was. #it's a violent sickening cycle and i should not be losing so much for the simple crime of being. born. being hurt. scared. sick. #it's complete bullshit and he should be dying honestly. he should be dead for everything he's done. #not that nana isn't just Ready. she is. it's been a long time coming she's 85 she's ready. #but the last few years didn't have to be so fraught with tension and anger and running in circles. i could have just had a grandmother. #in a better world i'd be able to say goodbye like any ordinary grandson. and she would know me as her grandson and it'd be okay. #i was going to write a poem about this a few months ago. something about how she'll never see that i'm a better man than her son. #and the best part is i'm only somewhat a man. but i still have him beat. and. no one will ever see it. i do not exist. #a.txt

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: [screenshot of a totally acceptable amount of messages from Isabelle] Jac: 😩😩😩 Jac: She is so mentally exhausting Savannah: The girl needs more extracurricular activities Savannah: netball is just not doing enough for her Jac: Seriously Jac: what sort of uni does she think she'll get into with that lack of variety 🙄🙄 Jac: never mind how boring it'll make her seem to any potential friends or boyfriends when she gets there, IF she gets there Savannah: do you think she'll even go, when she can't get into any of our choices? Savannah: she's so not ready to cut ties with you Jac: Honestly, I don't even know Jac: like, that is SO much pressure on me Jac: she doesn't even realize that, I swear Jac: or she doesn't care 🤷 Savannah: It's like having another little sister sometimes, I don't know how you've coped with her for so long Savannah: you're an actual living saint Jac: You're the saint for saving me ❤❤❤ Savannah: Isabelle drove Amelia away with all the pressure she puts on her friendships Savannah: I had to meet you & save you Jac: She did Jac: don't get me wrong, Meels could be hard work too but at times, I'd rather be on her side Jac: it's crazy how isolated I let her get me, you don't think badly of me, do you? Savannah: 😔 do you miss her, boo? 😢 Savannah: I think badly of Is for doing that to you Jac: I don't need either of them, I've got you Jac: neither of them can compete, or like anyone else we go to school with Jac: it happened so slowly, then all at once Jac: we need to think of a way to distract her Savannah: My heart! 🥰 You're the force for everything good in my life, I swear to god Savannah: I've got you, baby girl, what we need to do is find her a man who'll stay Savannah: Let me get Ty's phone Jac: You are the only thing from this life I'm taking with me into my actual life I'm gonna have Jac: when we get out of this place and make something of ourselves Savannah: ^^^👏 Yes Jac: 🤔 Who's lowkey dumb enough Jac: dumb might be harsh but like, he's gonna have to put up with A LOT to wanna, no offense 😂 Savannah: I'm not judging, you've known her longer than I have Savannah: & she's made sure you know her better too Jac: It's so juniors of her Jac: like of all the people who don't deserve that treatment ➡ you, the sweetest angel ever Jac: the possessiveness, just because we met like first day of school, doesn't mean we've got to live and die together now Jac: especially if you're not gonna grow with me, babe Savannah: It's fine, I can be the bigger person here Savannah: we both understand that the universe was not ready to put me on the same path as you the second that school started, even if she doesn't Savannah: she doesn't date black boys which is going to wipe out half of this list, not speculating wildly like that fact is related to why we're not BFFs though 🤫 Jac: 👑❤ Jac: I'm all about who's made the most positive change in my life, not who's been in it the longest, not sorry about that Jac: only 😎 colourblind if you're light enough Jac: the levels of problematic Jac: speaking of, who's that guy, the one who was BEYOND wasted at the last party? Savannah: She's scared of change, I feel bad for her, because we all know that's her mum trying to keep her childish Savannah: OH! 🙌 Carter Savannah: You're a genius Savannah: they can be problematic together and leave the rest of us out of it Jac: When you and your mother both need to get a hobby 😏 Jac: Right, though? Jac: Would that not be perfect Savannah: honestly! Savannah: he's at EVERY party, as long as Is doesn't have too many shots too early again Savannah: 💘👼🏻 Jac: and he's a sporty guy too Jac: like I would NEVER 😷 Jac: but she's SO welcome Savannah: When you go back two or three years & his name's on literally every 🏆🏆🏆 Savannah: OH MY GOD! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT TY'S TOLD ME THIS SECOND Jac: ?????? Savannah: I'm shouting because his parents are going away THIS weekend 🙏 it's perfect Savannah: & of course I will sacrifice the precious alone time we could've had if it means you get some away from her Jac: 🌌🪐☄️☀️ timing Jac: you don't mind? ❤ Savannah: I don't know why he's only telling me now when there's no way he found out a second ago himself but I couldn't love him more for helping us make this happen so he's forgiven Savannah: it's fate baby, how could I mind? Good things happen every time I trust in that Savannah: She'll let you dress her, won't she? Jac: That's men for you Jac: can't say useless when they clearly have some but 🤭 bless Jac: If I commit to a shopping trip Jac: she keeps asking Jac: it'll be tiresome but worth it in the long run Savannah: He does not appreciate the recovery time on a wax when your skin is as sensitive as mine is, but that's a venting session for another day 🙄 Savannah: I'll obviously come with, unless you think that'll make it worse Jac: 🙄 How are more boys not genius level intelligent Jac: the amount of time they don't have to spend worrying about the things we do, and they're out here putting it to waste Jac: we would never, could never 💅 Jac: Of course I want you to come Jac: but we know she'll be in a better mood to party if I give her my undivided attention 🙄 Savannah: SO true Savannah: I'll give him mine then, make sure he's also in the mood to party Savannah: I can't handle a sulk, he looks too adorable, it makes me die Jac: 🙏 we need your free, boy Jac: get on board or I swear, I'm gonna lose it with her fully 😵😤😰 Savannah: we can lose her in his parents' sauna, hang in there 👼🏻 Jac: if we can make use before because I won't be getting in there after them 😷🤢 Savannah: You have to come over early anyway because my hair is a law onto itself right now & I will have a breakdown if Ty tells me to be natural one more time Savannah: can you not 👮 me, boy Savannah: I need to look beautiful for myself as well as you Jac: Self-love is so much more important Jac: I got you Savannah: if you don't see us at this party it's because we're arguing Savannah: I can feel it coming Jac: 😬 Jac: You know I'll cover for you, goes without saying Jac: is he like, under some kind of extra pressure rn, like what's his deal? Savannah: he insists he's not but he wouldn't ever normally jump down my throat for asking Savannah: so, like, you don't have to be a wannabe psychology student to realise there's something Jac: I think boys will remain a mystery, even when we get our PhDs Jac: A party will make him feel better Jac: it's clearly not about you though, you're the perfect girlfriend Savannah: I could cry Savannah: maybe I should just go home Jac: Honey Jac: Tell me where you need me to be Savannah: [a very them location] Jac: I'm there, babe ❤ Jac: Is there anything you need beside a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, obviously Savannah: take my phone when you get here so I don't contact him until I'm less of a wreck Jac: Duh Jac: nothing but totally composed, fully logical, 🧠 led texts only Jac: you are so NOT that girl Savannah: I don't want to be but I've got that child of divorce neediness now Savannah: I can't even blame him, I would NOT date me Jac: Don't even Jac: You are incredible Jac: a force of nature Jac: he's lucky to have you Savannah: You know how much I love you, right? Savannah: it's off any scale Jac: Of course, it's exactly how much I love you Jac: 👭🔥 Savannah: I swear to god, if we get Isabelle a man & I end up single, I will have to run away though Jac: No way Jac: he knows his luck, for his sins Savannah: I've given him way too much power to hurt me with by loving him as much as I do Savannah: I'm so lucky I also have you Savannah: & you would never Jac: It's all about trust Jac: and it's rare that you find anyone you can fully give your trust too in your life Jac: never mind multiple people Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: my parents didn't have it & they were together for like two decades Jac: It's sad Jac: so many people do and will settle for less Jac: I can't imagine how, honestly Savannah: you're on a different level to everyone else I've ever met Savannah: the word settle doesn't exist for you Jac: but you have to remember, you're on that level too Jac: I won't let you forget Jac: or settle Savannah: I'm scared that I've put all this energy into the wrong things Jac: You said it best, the universe knows what it's doing Jac: what you're ready for and what you're not, put your trust in it Jac: if this is meant to be more, it will be, if it's meant to be a teaching moment to make you an even better person, then it will be Savannah: you're BEYOND right Savannah: & you can never leave me, even if he does Jac: I never will Jac: I KNOW we're meant to be Savannah: Me too Savannah: my dad has shaken my faith in literally everything else but not us Jac: We're different Jac: we've known each other forever, I think Jac: countless past lives, and we're gonna keep knowing each other Jac: we're meant to do something big together, I can feel it Savannah: I feel too connected to you for that not to be true Jac: It is Jac: Whatever else, you can count on that, forever Savannah: you've made everything better Savannah: in this moment and all the rest Jac: That's what I'm here for Savannah: I'm supposed to also be here for you & I haven't asked how you are Savannah: SO selfish Savannah: Am I turning into Isabelle? Jac: your hair is not THAT wrecked, please 😏 Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I'm never getting it THAT flat Jac: Bless her Jac: if she'd lay off the highlights Savannah: we need to sit her down for a deep condition Jac: We could invite her to pre party prep... 🤔 Savannah: every day beforehand 😄 Jac: She's gonna need it Jac: ideally we'd have longer to do a full detox but you know Savannah: Even Ty agrees that we've got our hands full Savannah: he says Carter's too old for her 🤭 Jac: We all agree she could do with growing up a bit Jac: not that he isn't as immature 🙄 Jac: perfect couple 🚨 Savannah: when you went out with Eli he didn't say a word & he was the same age 💅 Jac: It's all down to her mum Jac: she's coddled her to the degree Is just gives off this PROTECT ME vibe Jac: Ty don't even know why Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: he thought she was a virgin still, it was so cute, baby boy no Jac: If everyone knew her how we do 👀🍵 Savannah: Enough about Is, who are you bringing & what are you wearing? Jac: [sends outfit options] Jac: 'cos lord knows all my attention will HAVE to go on her outfit when we go on this shopping trip Savannah: Oh you just have to go with the first one! I'm in LOVE Savannah: not even looking at the others, sorry Jac: 🤭🥰 that's decided then Jac: who I want to bring or if, is another question entirely Savannah: What about Cillian? I obviously don't mean the one in our year 🚫🚫🚫 Jac: He has potential Jac: did he go out with Sammy in our year though? Savannah: She asked him & he politely declined Jac: 😏 That makes him more promising Savannah: he doesn't date girls that aren't in his own year but I know he'd reconsider if you wanted him to Jac: you have the best ideas Savannah: He noticed when you got that mention in assembly, that was all you 🧠✨ Jac: At least he should be able to hold a conversation too then Savannah: I've heard him debate, he's really impressive Jac: Are you sure you don't wanna ask him, boo? 🤫🤭 Savannah: 😳 Jac: You totally like him Savannah: I can look & sometimes I do, don't judge me Jac: No judgment here Jac: it sounds like you have lots in common Savannah: We've attended a few of the same university lectures Jac: and he's cute Jac: I won't ask him Savannah: nothing's ever going to happen between me & him, so you should, if you think he's cute Jac: you can't say never Jac: who knows what the universe has in store for your future Savannah: Do you think Ty's going to end it? Jac: Of course not Jac: I don't think Ty will get into Uni Jac: you know it'll be different, especially when you get into your first choice and have to move away Savannah: His parents want him to stay here & he hasn't said he won't Jac: It takes a certain kind of man to follow 'round a girl Jac: and honestly, 'cos you know I'm always going to tell you how it is, because I care about you, okay? Jac: is that the sort of man you want, anyway Jac: what is his plan, after school Savannah: He doesn't believe in committing to a long term plan, besides us staying together, of course Savannah: you know I used to love that about him, because it's like he's the missing, more relaxed part of me Savannah: but lately the differences feel exhausting Jac: And that's now Jac: when you live in the same town, and see each other at least 5 days of the week without needing to do anything, put any effort in Jac: I just worry that the commitment-phobe is gonna jump out when it isn't that easy for him Savannah: oh god Jac: I could be wrong Jac: but I never want to keep anything from you Jac: even if it's hard to hear Savannah: Nobody knows me better than you Savannah: or has seen more of us as a couple Savannah: you're saying it because it needs to be said Jac: 😔 Jac: I am Jac: the last thing you need is to be blindsided by it Savannah: I can't go through that kind of heartbreak again, me & my dad still aren't talking Jac: You've had to be strong enough already Jac: like, he needs to think about what he wants, be clear with his intentions, you deserve that Jac: even if he isn't about making plans for himself, you can't live your life beholden to his lack of, it's not fair Savannah: This isn't a discussion I can have with him in [wherever they are] Savannah: 😢 Jac: Of course not Jac: your response would be beyond emotional Jac: you need to collect your thoughts first Savannah: Can I stay with you? Home is totally chaotic & I obviously can't stay at his Jac: You don't even need to ask Jac: there's always a place for you at mine Savannah: Thank you Jac: Jude isn't here and I can always make Jameson leave too Jac: not that they'll bother us Jac: total calm is needed Savannah: until Is decides she needs something Jac: 📴 Jac: she'll have to cope without me for five minutes Jac: you're so more important than any of her faux drama could ever be Savannah: It's going to be so embarrassing to have to share any of this with her Savannah: I can't Jac: You don't have to Jac: it's none of her business Jac: and you don't know yet, Ty might prove himself Savannah: what would I do without you? Jac: That's one question you don't need to worry about ❤ Savannah: We can still have the party, I'm not trying to ruin your life or that plan Jac: Oh, I don't care about that Jac: I just want you to feel better Jac: we can think about that later Savannah: I want the same for you though Savannah: I care that she's raising your stress levels daily Jac: I'll feel better when you do, I swear Savannah: this is going to make me sound awful but I think we have to still have the party because if we don't, he'll want to spend time with me anyway Savannah: & I'd rather have you there until I know what to do Jac: No, that's totally fair Jac: I'm more than down to go ahead Jac: project management will be a great distraction at any rate, and we can spend our Isabelle free hours actually talking about your plan going forward Savannah: I just can't lead him on by pretending everything's normal when it's not, you know? Jac: No, you don't want to lie Jac: that's not going to help anyone, and you owe it to yourself as well as him to remain as honest as you always are Savannah: I'm so glad you understand Jac: Always Savannah: I love him so much & I want him to be happy Savannah: but I can't sacrifice the future I have planned, I'd end up resenting him & it would eventually fall apart however hard I try Jac: Exactly Jac: it's about the people you're going to be, as well as the people you are now Jac: sometimes you have to harm to help, that's just facts Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'd have to stop growing & I'm not going to do that Jac: And you aren't saying he isn't going to grow too Jac: but you might need to acknowledge you aren't growing in the same directions Savannah: it hurts my heart that he could be growing away from me but it'll hurt us both more if I refuse to see it Savannah: we could get married & have babies, then we're a variation on who my parents are Savannah: my dad is a black male stereotype & he's made me a statistic, that's bad enough Jac: I get it, both my granddad's are the worst, actually Jac: they may as well not exist, honestly Jac: You're way too smart and wonderful to get stuck into that cycle Savannah: A bare minimum of what I want for my life is to break it Jac: ^^ Jac: Me too Jac: God knows it is overdue Savannah: I wish we had Is' privilege but that isn't who we are Jac: I could shake her Jac: she has no idea how easy she has it Savannah: 👏

[pian-ran]

*

#dk has literally no choice but to save the world #she can't be selfish because she'll lose everything anyway

[jdmainman123]

Yes she was that's what they were trying to hide for me with the girls outside her having no money and forced to beg for food me and while they hold the boy at home. Remember we used to see them on the side of the road with the sign saying help we need money for food. Now she's out there alone with the sign. AND THEY WERE TRYING TO THEY WERE TRYING TO HIDE WHY SATELLITE MAKER BUILT 3/4 SEEING HER IN HER ORIGINAL HABITAT HUNGRY FOR FOOD AND GOING UP TO MEN AND BEGGING THEM FOR FOOD SHE'LL DO ANYTHING FOR FOOD IT'S EXACTLY THE REASON WHY HE BUILT THESE THESE PLACES. AND TOOK AWAY ALL THE MONEY OF THE PEOPLE NOT ONLY THAT THE BOYS AND MEN WITHOUT MONEY IMITATE AND EMULATE A DIFFERENT THING BUT I BELIEVE THEY WON'T ASK A MAN OR BEG A MAN THEY NEED FOOD THEY WOULD FIGHT HIM IS WHAT HAPPENED THAT'S WHAT OBVIOUSLY WHAT HAPPENED IN IN HUMAN NATURE

But but he built this place specifically you're telling me that's my problem because I won't I won't ask for money and then when people give you stuff I feel really f****** guilty I feel really bad because I needed it and if they get it on time like I'm looking for $20 and someone walked across the street is pulling out their wallet and they slide a 20 out on the floor and then f****** turn around and wave and wink and start walking away IT'S AN ACCIDENT NOW THEN IT WAS AN ACCIDENT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAY YOU KNOW WHAT I FORGET I TOTALLY I'M NOT ANGRY ANYMORE CUZ I GOT FOOD MONEY AND I FORGIVE EVERYTHING I'VE EVER SAID I'M ACTUALLY APOLOGIZING FOR BEING ME AND I START THINKING ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAID

Anyways that's exactly what they were trying to hide for me the girls behavior when what is it feeding and feeding her no you guys can't feed her your dick. It's because I feed the airport and I drop off pamphlets and propaganda bags of clothes and then some sleeping baby food I'm sorry sleeping man and woman food

And that's a real selfish thing because one thing about this girl the other end of that is watching her fight. I've been with her for over 15 years and her fights over in any accident ARE BEGGING FOR FOOD I UNDERSTAND IT'S SEXY IS WHY HE DID THIS IT TURNS MEN ON TO SEE A GIRL NOW YOU ASKED ME THAT ON ONE KNEE IF YOU CAN HAVE $10 FOR FOOD AND I'LL THINK ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE DOWN THERE. AND THE LOYALTY OF HER SAYING YES REMEMBER WHEN SHE BOBS HER HEAD YES AND NO UP AND DOWN WHEN SHE'S TRYING TO EAT YOUR DICK BUT YOU CAN'T FEED HER YOUR DICK FEED THAT'S IT FEED S FEED

Yeah when they say I need you I'm the NTC

So that's why he built this place to see the girls in their natural habitat to watch them feed #feed

I know I've seen the boys how they eat how they feed I'm just not familiar with it because honestly I've been with him my whole time it's probably the same exact thing I do like when someone helps me out and and as soon as they give you some I die outside like I grab my heart and the tears come to my eye I just lose my s*** bro it's like I can't believe you love me the whole time I can't believe you were watching me the whole time

It's an accident everything I said about you and your family I'm really sorry I called it off

[santanasgleeyotch]

I really love that the only person who is ever able to help my mom when she's losing her mind is me. But I'm stuck at work literally all weekend and the only way i can try to calm her down is over the phone. Which is honestly really hard when I've got a pile of paperwork to do, 4 seniors to take care of and my mom telling me that everyone hates her and everyone abandons her and thats why she needs to kill herself. I am fully aware that going through a mental breakdown because your illness hasnt been managed efficiently makes people do and say things that they don't mean but on a selfish note it's literally only ever me that really makes an effort any time when she gets like this. But she's still screaming at me about how no one ever does anything for her and no one cares if she dies anyway. I'm fucking shaking with anxiety, my stepdad is on his stupid boat in Alaska or some shit and cant help right now. My brother said he'll call her. Why am i not good enough for her?? Like if my stepdad and brother aren't doing enough NO ONE is even though I'm here losing my mind while I'm at work trying to get her into inpatient and calm her down and take care of all this shit. And there's only one place she'll even agree to go to so if she can't get in, then what? She's just going to drink herself into a stupor and go get one of her boyfriend's guns? Is my life just always going to revolve around when her next breakdown is? When i was with my ex at least i wasn't alone in all of this. And it does take a toll on me mentally as well watching my mom slip down the rabbit hole as she likes to say. Its really confusing for me that when it came to my ex and she was going through stuff like this it wasn't as hard on me in the same way. Like i never once questioned why i had to be the one to help i always felt so... Privileged that i was the one who she chose to be with her and hold her while she fell apart. But with my mom I just want tap out, like hey Rick you're her husband basically can you fucking deal with this for once. She's exhausting me mentally and emotionally in a way that my ex never did. Does that mean i don't love her as much as I loved Emily? Why was i willing to do everything I can for someone I was in love with, and have no doubt I'd be willing to do it again if i fell in love with another girl who has depression but with my own mother i just don't want to deal with it. When i was a teenager and was going through a breakdown of my own i would beg my mom not to leave me to go be with her boyfriend, screaming and crying, and she never gave a fuck. She always told me that Rick was the person she'd spend forever with; not me, and that's why she was choosing him. Is that why I have this mentality of wanting to help the people i fall in love with but not my own mother? That's just so unhealthy. I hope that it says something positive about me that even though i don't want to be responsible for all of this I still do it anyway. It was me that slept on the floor of the hospital when she overdosed on thanksgiving when i was 16 and me who's taken her to the hospital and held her hand during every psych eval and went and visited her twice a week when she was at the inpatient place last time. But I'm so confused because when i think about all this i just feel really resentful and angry that I have to deal with it. But so much of the same stuff happened with Emily and I never even wanted to leave her side and I know for a fact that *when* i fall in love again I would never want to leave my girl's side. Like I would literally fight to be there with her through everything. Maybe I'm a shitty person because i wouldnt do that for my own mother. Idk. But I'm fucking tired and could really use some cuddles right now. Ughhhhhhh

#personal #long as fuck #today really sucks #i know im awful #i feel guilty but im also too tired to care

[punkscowardschampions]

James & Ava

James: [I'm thinking the vibe should be that maybe she hasn't heard from him all at for these 3-5 days like NOTHING which is obvs not like him even when he's busy] Ava: Hey, just checking in Ava: it's all good if you're busy but I'm just a little worried, probably stupid but Ava: give me a quick shout so I don't ramp it up and come 'round like a potential total idiot James: [when you can see he's reading it but not replying] Ava: James Ava: What's wrong? James: what's right? nothing Ava: Please tell me James: how? Ava: I don't know Ava: sometimes it's easier to just say it, stick to the facts Ava: I can take time to gather my thoughts and reply, if you can't James: I can't, Ava James: talk about this, think about it, handle it James: those are the facts Ava: Okay Ava: Can you tell me where you are? James: home, I've been there the entire time James: except when I went out to buy a bottle I can't drink & drugs I can't take, so they're staring at me Ava: You could Ava: but you haven't Ava: are the girls with you? James: yes, having them here is the only way I can be sure I won't Ava: You'd never hurt them James: but I said she uses them & that's exactly what I'm doing James: as a sobriety chip Ava: Caring enough about your loved ones and your responsibility towards them is a noble one to stay sober Ava: hold onto it James: it doesn't matter, I'll lose her anyway James: I can only hold on to Matty Ava: Why are you going to lose Jay? James: because she's not mine Ava: you've done a test Ava: oh god Ava: I am so, so sorry there are no words Ava: when did you find out? James: Chloé insisted James: I'm not her father but thanks to that lovely conversation we had, I do know who is Ava: She, what? Ava: She's pure evil James: she insisted because of you Ava: me? James: yes, her hatred of your family is more deeply rooted than I realised Ava: but Ava: if I had any idea Ava: I'm sorry, I should've listened to you but I thought she'd come after me, not Ava: this Ava: James James: in a way, she is, this affects you too Ava: but it's yours and the girl's lives Ava: it only affects me because I care about you James: you don't understand what I mean, it's yours & your family's too James: I can't say the words, Ava, other than what I've already said, I know who her father is Ava: I don't understand but I'm trying Ava: how could it affect my family Ava: that's Ava: no it's not possible James: Ava James: she told me how it happened James: told me to ask him Ava: but Ava: how could he James: I don't know, she said that they'd had an argument & he was really under the influence Ava: but Ava: forget the fact he's a bad boyfriend, forget the fact he's turned that into being a worse husband Ava: it's the fact he's going to be so selfish, put us all through hell because he loves Rio and that makes it okay, then he's not even going to fucking mean it and worst of all, he's going to fuck it all up, after all the pain of us accepting and dealing with his decision, with her- and why? because she made Nancy's life hell? Ava: he's as twisted as her, I'm gonna kill him James: I'm sorry James: if it redeems anything at all, I think Rio at least knows, I think it's possible that maybe everyone did but us Ava: you have nothing to be sorry for Ava: he's helped Ava: he's helped ruin your life Ava: Jesus James: you see now why I couldn't tell you James: talk to you at all Ava: Of course I see Ava: this is Ava: just terrible James: everything is ruined Ava: what are you going to do? Ava: what is she going to do? James: she's going to tell him if I don't Ava: He has to know Ava: how has it never crossed his mind Ava: he's clearly many things but stupid isn't one of them James: apparently she told him about the pregnancy and his response was to tell everyone about his relationship with your cousin James: so she quickly recanted & we know the rest Ava: so he used Rio as a scapegoat Ava: that's even worse Ava: well, karma has caught up with him Ava: but not enough, nowhere near James: this is all according to Chloé, she's rarely to be trusted Ava: She didn't lie about the DNA, did she James: evidently not, but that doesn't mean she has a clear insight into any of your brother's motivations or feelings Ava: I don't care Ava: any way you slice it, it's wrong Ava: oh God Ava: he can't take Jay from you Ava: she's yours James: she uses people, Ava, he won't have been any different James: he's a law student, he'll know better than me what he can or can't do Ava: Like he used her, because he was pissed off? Then used Rio, who he claims to love, to get out of the situation you then got forced into Ava: I don't want to talk about him Ava: you've raised her, you wanted her when she was presented to you as yours, you didn't wriggle out of it Ava: she named you, even if she lied James: maybe he won't want her anyway, he's got a family, a wife, whatever happened then it's obviously in the past for them Ava: Exactly Ava: even if that's Ava: disgusting Ava: leave Chloe to tell him, it'll go as well as the first time James: she's given me time to get a DNA done, with no prior knowledge of how long that would take, I can leave before she tells him Ava: You can Ava: she's a fucking idiot, even if he for some reason believed her this time, how is he doing a DNA, he's never met Jay, he has no way of contacting her but through you James: our bags have been packed for days, I just need to actually go Ava: Where will you go? James: I don't know Ava: I guess it's for the best you don't tell me Ava: I wouldn't want to say, even under duress James: right Ava: I'm so sorry, James James: me too James: I thought the hardest thing left to tell Jay would be about us Ava: Do you have to Ava: if you leave James: she'll have to know & if it doesn't come from me it could come from Chloé herself, years from now potentially James: there's only so long we can stay away, I don't have my own money Ava: That's true Ava: that would be Ava: but this will be so hard for you Ava: at least she's still going to want to stay with you, there's no chance she'll want to be anywhere else Ava: you'll find a way to make your own money Ava: wherever you end up James: as a single parent with so few skills I'm less sure of this imagined future but Ava: People do it Ava: you can James: maybe she'd be better off with him James: in the end Ava: No Ava: money makes life easier, it doesn't make it worthwhile, come on Ava: knowing your parent loves you, that's so much more important Ava: you love Jay, more than anyone else could James: but he's not a bad father, is he? he could love her Ava: You love her Ava: what about you? James: I love you too but it's not enough James: everything's still ruined Ava: not because of you Ava: because of this Ava: them James: I should've done this sooner James: I knew there was a chance James: she never said it about Matty, not once Ava: So did he, where's he been Ava: and she knew for sure and she still let all of this happen Ava: no one else is here taking responsibility, looking after those girls, it's you James: what the fuck am I going to do? Ava: The money you have, if it was enough for a deposit in London, it'll be more than enough anywhere else, enough to rent and live off whilst you get it sorted, getting them into schools, job hunting Ava: I still love you, James James: come with me Ava: I can't, my parents would file a missing persons Ava: even if I told them I was going, they wouldn't let me Ava: when you're settled, tell me where you are, I won't tell, if they start asking Ava: and I can come see you again James: I can't just leave you here not knowing how long I'll be gone Ava: I've already made things bad for you Ava: she wouldn't have done this if I weren't related to him James: but I'd still be married to her if I didn't have you to make me realise how bad that was Ava: I don't want you to go Ava: but that's only because I'll miss you so fucking much I can't think about it, and because I'm scared for you and what you'll do and what will happen Ava: but you can't lose her James: can you convince your brother to do the right thing? you talked to Teddy, that helped James: I don't know, I know it's not the same, but James: I can't lose you either, not now James: not when I need you more than ever James: I'm so scared & so alone with this & I don't want to do the wrong thing James: Jay will have so many questions if we just leave Ava: Oh, darling Ava: I don't know either, I don't think you can be sure about this it's so Ava: uncertain and messed up Ava: but if you can't lose me, you won't Ava: and I'll try my best with whatever else you need me to but I can't promise anything, really James: there's always been someone telling me what to do, every step James: & now there's nothing, we're all in free fall Ava: You can do this, I know now more than ever is a time impossible to have that self-belief but you can Ava: you don't have to be alone though, I'm here for you James: will you come over, please? Ava: of course James: I just can't go anywhere else right now Ava: That's beyond understandable Ava: I'll walk, that'll be quickest James: okay Ava: James James: yes? Ava: Before I leave, we'll have a plan, alright Ava: even if we don't stick to it fully or we make changes Ava: I won't go 'til you feel at least 1% better about it all James: if it makes you feel better I'm at 1% at the prospect of seeing you James: not only because I can't tell if Matty is actually getting sick or if I'm just stressed Ava: We'll aim for 2% then Ava: and I'm sure she's okay but I'll make sure too, yeah James: how could I ever walk away from you again? Ava: I wasn't convinced I'd survive it either but James: they aren't the only reason I stayed sober James: I don't want you to see me like that either Ava: I am so proud of you Ava: no one would want to be sober in your position right now, so the fact you could Ava: you're so strong, love James: it's so hard being around her right now, wondering if actually her temper isn't inherited from her mother like I thought & what else I've mis-attributed, but the idea of not being with her is Ava: There must not be a word to put to how confusing, conflicted, it all feels James: this whole situation is a huge blank page James: my family have all individually kept ringing me but I have nothing to say, no way to tell them that any of this is going on Ava: You've been in shock Ava: They can wait, you had no choice in hearing it but you can feel as if you have more of an idea before you tell them James: until they're at the door Ava: you've dealt with worse, you can't deny that now Ava: but we will try to get you some reprieve Ava: I bet you haven't been to sleep James: how long can you stay before your parents take issue with it? Ava: I'm sure I can get a friend to cover for me, I'll sort that Ava: I'll stay as long as you need me James: an eternity then, fine if you have loyal enough friends or I had vampire attributes Ava: I'll stay with you for an eternity like that Ava: even if I have to go back to sleep after a certain point, I'm not going anywhere James: I love you James: she can't ruin that, okay Ava: She can't Ava: ever Ava: she tried, amongst all the fucked shit she has pulled James: your sister clearly had the right idea Ava: yeah Ava: who'd have known James: maybe she'll have a spare bed for me in New York Ava: that will make visiting slightly more problematic but you know James: in that case, I won't write it down as step 1 of the plan James: understood Ava: unless step 2 is I apply to some NYC schools James: Goldsmiths would never forgive me Ava: I love you so much Ava: also I think I'm here but come let me in just in case James: [does]

[punkscowardschampions]

Billie & Indie

Billie: Indie! Pabs made frango a passarinho, you want in? Billie: also he said he saw you out at that boy in his year's party on Saturday Billie: you must not have seen him Billie: I got lunchtime detention for all the notes I was trying is pass you in Maths! Billie: Too busy 💤 or doodling, that is the question Indie: spitting dem bars all the way to my 💘 but nah itd be a mad treck from where i @ Indie: lo must have it twisted cos i aint rolling w dem younger rudeboys at no gatherings Indie: my bad tho Indie: too sleepy innit Indie: olders got partys for me to hit up standard Billie: where are you laying your head these days my dear? Billie: aside from your desk, naturally 😋 Indie: 😂😂 Indie: getting the zzzs i need there like Indie: wen im in im out for the count Billie: but what about all the times you're not in 🤔 Indie: in endz Indie: rollin w my boyz or my BOY you know Indie: its chill Billie: what does rolling entail exactly Billie: i'm unfamiliar Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: rolling up 🚬 standard but can be any thing Indie: hangin, chillin reh teh teh Indie: it be what it be, bills Indie: 🚀🚀🚀 tho Billie: I still feel like those are all just different words for the same thing Billie: which still eludes me but I'm glad you're having fun! Billie: We miss you though, don't you have any time to spare, pleaaaaaaaaaaaase Indie: what you need im here rn Indie: hit me w it Billie: I don't need anything, just want your company silly Indie: you got it Indie: we chatting Billie: Yes, of course Billie: but in person too, yes? Billie: It's not the same without you Indie: what you trying to see my face for? Indie: its still this Indie: [sends selfie] Billie: 😂 Billie: [sends back suitably silly selfie of own] Indie: living for it baby Indie: you looking 🔥 Billie: Thank you Billie: Now I got all the pink out Billie: surprisingly stubborn stuff Indie: mine got dashed mad fast Indie: must be dem curls holdin Billie: Yeah and mine isn't even as textured as some of the others Billie: thank god Ri didn't do it too Indie: she aint as extra as how we is Indie: blessed that i aint blood of ya cos my mans werent feelin the look Indie: hed be proper vexed if it stayed Billie: os homens não sabem nada Indie: this boy got plenty knowledge trust 😏 Billie: NADA 👏 Indie: you reping sound like the other mckenna rn Indie: something you wanna chat ? Billie: I don't need to come out, no Billie: but I appreciate the offer of a listening ear and open mind Indie: safe Indie: you down to mix me up 💘 potion? Indie: thatd be valued by me Billie: Why do you need it? I thought we were in love? Billie: Not you and me 😂 Indie: 😂 Indie: steady bills Indie: not trying to come for your sister & mckennas ⛈ Indie: let em have a min baby Billie: I don't think anyone is enjoying the rain Billie: we're safe to move on Indie: innit tho Indie: hold it for me @ school & ill come thru  yeah? Billie: Of course Billie: but what exactly do you want to happen? it changes what I have to do Indie: gotta keep him 😍😍😍😍😍😍 Indie: that mood Billie: That should be fine Billie: I can't force or influence freewill and fate, obviously but I can certainly help along what is there, that shouldn't be a problem Indie: what it gonna taste? Indie: not tryna make him 😵 Indie: not more than he like standard least 😂 Billie: It's okay, more than likely we'll get you to drink it Billie: then you can attract the love, if you see what I mean Indie: how it not gon attract some next man tho? Billie: with great power, Indigo Billie: you know how to control your allure, I trust 😂 Indie: mayb we swerve it Indie: not tryna get dashed for this like 💔 Billie: Well that shouldn't happen Billie: it's not viagra Indie: 😂😂 Billie: You seem worried Indie: nah Indie: all good Billie: Are you sure? Billie: I've got lots of things for anxiety and stress Indie: what i got to b flat roofin over? Indie: keep your stash Billie: you tell me Indie: nah im jam Indie: nothing to chat on Billie: Good Indie: how you b? Billie: Well, on reflection Billie: I'm okay most of the time but in general I'm quite sad Indie: 💔💔💔 Indie: you got no spells for it? Billie: I'm trying Billie: everything, every day Billie: but not everything can be sorted with magic Billie: not of that kind, anyway Indie: tru Indie: its a madness Indie: i feel it Billie: I know Billie: We've got to stick together Indie: ri aint here tho Indie: not how it can be Billie: Indie Indie: ? Billie: I think Edie has gone too Billie: lots of her stuff is gone Indie: she gon come back thru Indie: thats just how she rolls Indie: dont get it twisted & get 😢 Billie: I know but she usually only takes a bag Billie: if anything Indie: how you kno she not she not shoting her garms for the cash? Indie: gotta do what you gotta do innit Billie: Maybe you're right Indie: if you still got no peace after hot min come @ ri w it Indie: thats how she do making shit hectic again Indie: idk Indie: ma vibes like Billie: Like you said, she's not here either Billie: soon none of us will Indie: shes rollin deep w mckenna but she aint out your reach Indie: you in my inbox you can b in hers Billie: Not the same is it Indie: as face2face nah but better than no thing Indie: trust Billie: I guess so Billie: I hope she comes back Billie: it's horrible when we have to tell the police, they basically blame mum and dad Indie: the feds dont kno how to be anything but amp bringin the dred Indie: dont take it hard Billie: it was different the first few times Billie: now she's just a known runaway and they don't even try to help Billie: just get angry about the paperwork and wasted time Indie: they love to get vexed Indie: always on me too cos i got this face & name Billie: Yeah Billie: I thought they were meant to help Indie: nah baby they only bout helping theyselves Indie: sorry you had to get schooled on that like this Indie: been round me all days late cos the madness drew tryna live rn Indie: like i kno where hes @ Billie: I heard Billie: I always used to think it was a good thing when he went to prison Billie: is that bad Indie: nah man Indie: he heading back that kinda way rejoice in it if you wanna Indie: some good gotta come Billie: Selfish really Billie: but it meant you got to stay with us all the time and he wasn't around Billie: he messed with the vibes Billie: everything was bad when he was around Indie: speak your truth bills 😂 Indie: shots fired Billie: I'm sorry Billie: I try not to be hateful towards anyone but Indie: if you feel it you feel it Indie: whats acting like you dont gon do? Billie: I tend to think of it as wasted or at very least misplaced energy Billie: I try to feel sorry for people I don't get good energy from, or just ignore them Indie: i been knew about wasted energy fr 😂 waiting for my 🚀🚀 to hit like Indie: better energy be coming when i come up Billie: Does it work? Indie: yeah Indie: esp this new kick im on Billie: That's good Billie: what are the side effects Indie: depends what you trying to take Indie: dont be channelling the 👻 of my mas fix on your first go out Billie: I'm just working out the pros and cons Billie: doesn't it scare you? because you're mum died Indie: aint no thing that scares me Indie: we all going Indie: & she got me, not trying to let anything do me like how she went Billie: What's that like? Billie: I'm not scared of death but I'm in no great hurry Indie: its good Indie: nothing can touch me Indie: if im livin im livin if i aint i get to be this age forever 👻 Billie: That must be very reassuring Billie: What about good things though, can they touch you? Indie: how you mean? Billie: I mean, they say you have to know bad to know good Billie: so if you don't have that, do you get to have good or is untouchable outside of that Indie: i kno all it but it just dont be affecting me like that Indie: unless how i want it Indie: all good all the time Billie: Interesting Billie: I wish I could try it sometime Indie: i got you Indie: come thru & link me when Billie: Really? Billie: Okay Billie: I thought I might need a dead parent too Indie: is that tryin to be my key? idk Indie: i was reckonin on drews connections being that if there is Indie: 🚀🚀🚀 life Billie: I misunderstood slightly Billie: I thought that was what made you untouchable but in that case Billie: I'd be happy to try Indie: could be connected i cant speak on knowin Indie: i only got 1 dead ma & didnt get to kno her like that Billie: Yes, I would never ask you to share Indie: 😂 im saying i got others who aint Indie: so mayb its not a powerful thing Billie: we'll have to see Indie: not that i got em rn if you tryna test Billie: mothers or drugs? Billie: i'm lost Indie: mas Indie: you kno i always got the other Billie: Why not? Indie: we gone from each other Indie: like you said everyone is Billie: you just have to come round Billie: you know Indie: where? Billie: home Indie: but where that tryin to be now? Billie: Wherever your family is Indie: & who are they now? Billie: Whoever you choose Billie: us included, I hope Indie: nah Indie: it dont get to be however i want Billie: Why not? Indie: idk its not the way Indie: everyone tryin to tell me how to choose & aint listenin Billie: I'm listening Billie: and the universe Billie: What do you want, Indie? Indie: I want it how it was Indie: nah i want him gone and her back Billie: Yeah Billie: Me too Billie: I think we all do Billie: I'm thinking on ways to make it so Indie: but even if she comes home it aint gonna be for me just you Indie: we got too much beef Billie: I didn't know Billie: what happened? Indie: she got no love for me rn cos i trying to keep my mans Indie: she dont understand how i feel Billie: I see Billie: Did you tell her? Indie: yeah but she aint trying to kno she just wanna be vexed and tell me how to be Indie: shit gets too heated Billie: She'll calm down Billie: it's nothing to lose a sister over is it Indie: tell her Indie: she aint spoke to me since i got my ink Indie: she said she aint here for me its done Billie: I know she didn't mean that Billie: do you actually want me to talk to her for you? I can Indie: what you think you gonna say? Indie: she aint gonna be about me unless i dash him Billie: You're more important to her than that Billie: I'll just tell her you want to talk Indie: i cant Indie: i aint got no energy to be fighting w her Indie: hes here & she aint that decides it Billie: Okay Billie: It's up to you Indie: nah Indie: no things up to me they are how they are Billie: If you don't try to change them, yeah Billie: not saying you have to Indie: girl i aint got power like that i aint you Billie: If I had any more than you she'd be back already Billie: but you have to try, right? Billie: Passivity is still a choice Indie: it hurts Billie: I know Billie: but it doesn't feel Billie: good, lack of a better word Billie: accepting how it is either, does it? Indie: nah but its easier to act than trying & getting owned for it Indie: you feel me? Indie: if you gotta let stuff in where you gonna stop Billie: Hmm Billie: Good question Billie: When the stuff is more bad than it is good Indie: how you measuring Indie: shits such a heavy mix Billie: That's the trick, isn't it Billie: Depends how much bad you're willing to take Billie: they aren't equal, bad deeds weigh much heavier Billie: there'd need to be a lot more good to counteract them Indie: hear this, if a boy makes me feel everything that's bad and its good Indie: he hurts me and he wants me Indie: is it equal or nah? Billie: I can't tell you what you can deal with, only what I think you should Billie: and it doesn't sound equal to me Indie: but maybe close as imma get Indie: w how lads be Indie: they want what they want and how they want it & if he wants me then thats good Billie: What's good about it? Indie: feelin the love Indie: like who we tryna measure him against? mckenna? your da? idk thats a madness Indie: they grown Billie: I don't think all boys are like that Billie: or men Billie: there's an inbetween Indie: is it tho Billie: 'course Billie: we're not like lots of girls at school but we're not grown either Indie: idk maybe ive got things twisted Indie: or maybe i cant hit you w the real words Billie: That's alright, you don't need to Billie: get it right for yourself though, that's important, even if it takes a while Indie: what if rio been right & she hates me Billie: She doesn't hate you, for one Billie: and she's not going to hit you with an 'I told you so' Billie: give her a chance Indie: i gotta hit her up Indie: imma do it Billie: Well done Billie: I'm so sure it'll be worth it Indie: youre sick Indie: 💖💖💖 Billie: ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 Indie: real 👑 moves Indie: im not about to forget it Indie: 🚀🚀🚀 or nah Billie: 'Course not 😊 just try to see my notes next time 😂 Indie: innit tho Indie: come find me when he aint around Billie: 👍 Will do