#she gave us 14 songs about being in love/scared/horny | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

allamericansbitch · 3 years

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well since y’all asked

everything will be below the cut so people can just ignore this lol

the wild thing is like... everything everyone was saying from both sides makes sense. the good and the bad. i’ll start off with a pro and cons and then do a short track by track

pros:

i agree with what people are saying about how well this style suits her voice, it perfect. it’s smooth and calming but also doesnt stick her in a box and will allow her to kinda move with it and change things up as she sings, which i know she loves to do.

the production is exactly her too. it’s r&b beats with classic strings... liek that’s completely ariana grande. it’s so interesting and it weirdly works well?

i feel like you can tell she was just in her element making these songs. i feel like she tapped into something that can be so endless for her and new ideas will be constant.

idk if it’s just me adjusting to hearing her sing but her pronunciation is getting a lot better

every song has at least one good and attractive part to it... there are no songs that i am so completely confused as to why it’s on the album.

it’s for sure my favorite era for her in terms of style

also her best album cover (but sweeter is close second)

cons:

okay... there is a pattern with this album. every song had a really solid start. so many times i was in love with the verses and the melodies she was singing but... my god are the choruses weak. it’s just one line... repeated... like 4 times... then we move on... and i was sitting here like ‘oh that’s what we were building up to?’ and it happened with every song. so i completely agree about it kind of falling flat most of the time.

it’s so repetitive. besides the choruses mostly all being weak, the themes are all the same. like the 14 songs on the album are all about two things: her being horny or her being in love. that’s it. why did we need 14 songs to tell us two things.

another point: why were there 14 songs? so many filler tracks that just add nothing to the album for me. she could’ve honestly made a solid 10 track album and it would’ve been a good clean piece of work.

the lyrics... oh my god the lyrics. the one thing i saw people saying, both fans of the album and not, was that the lyrics were really bad... liek they had to prepare people. and my god. there were some points that straight up sounded like 14 year old stan accounts arguing on twitter... ‘you sound dumb... shut up’ SHE USED THAT LYRIC AS A HOOK... she thought it was so good it deserved to be the hook like? and also there’s a lyric that just straight up says ‘read a fucking book’ lol. the good or tolerable lyrics are basically ones she already used before on other songs? like how many time's has this woman sung about fucking while watching movies...

she needs to stop putting out albums so frequently. a lot of the complaints i see people having is just that it doesnt feel finished or polished enough to be an album. like she should have waiting a few months and refined things. it feels like a stepping stone rather than a destination. she doesnt have a clear vision, narrative or purpose driving the album at all.

track by track

shut up: this was the first taste of bad lyrics like this is the song about being dumb and i fully was like omfg this is the whole song isnt it. i dig the production though.. this might have the best production of the whole album for me.

34+35: i felt like i was listening to a horny 13 year old boy during the chorus lol. it just felt really immature at some points... like the giggling every time she alluded to 69 wasnt necessary. also the end where she says ‘mean i wanna 69 with ya’..... sweetie you didnt have to tell us we know we can add. i did like the melody of the pre-chorus. the ‘i’ve been drinkin coffee, i’ve been eatin healthy’ is really catchy and good

motive: god i had such high hopes for this. it first started and i loved the production and the prechorus worked really well... but again that chorus weakness really fucked it. and doja’s part doesnt really fit the song for me? it feels out of place and like she should’ve been put on a more upbeat song

just like magic: first song i actually liked and added to my library! i finally heard a good chorus that didnt feel like it completely slowed down the momentum of the song and helped move it along. and the lyrics are cute. i think for me she needs to improve on the difference between a cute lyric and a cringy lyric... like cute: ‘middle finger to my thumb and then I snap it’ and cringy: the rest of the album. also one thing there’s a lyric about her listening to music she wrote and like girl you had 34 writers on this album... what are you listening to two words? every time she brags about writing it’s kinda embarrassing like.... at no point am i impressed

off the table: this production would have been so good.... if it actually did anything else or went anywhere. it stayed the same the entire time.... for 4 minutes. also stop letting men on women’s music because it seriously never works. her vocals are really pretty though.

six thirty: i really like her vocal delivery in this... like kinda dropping off at the end and just starting to talk? it’s interesting. also the chorus really had potential because it actually got bigger and more layered and interesting but again with the one lyric ‘are you down’ repeated like 3 times then the chorus is just over it’s like... oh okay

safety net: again amazing verse delivery and melody... IF SHE TOOK IT ANYWHERE it would have been great. and again with the male features... not necessary. the bridge is cool with them both singing but other than that it feel flat for me.

my hair: that smooth electric guitar intro is everything. and this sound of this song is so good.... but.... am i the only person who kinda feels weird about ariana, a white girl, being like ‘you can run your hands through me hair... dont be scared’ like?? why would they be scared... your hair is straight lol. it just toys with the whole idea of ‘don’t touch a black women’s hair’ for me. idk it could totally be a me overanalyzing thing. but god is she sang about anything else this would be my favorite song. second song i added to my library.

nasty: if i had to pick one song that was my exact expectations for this album before listening to it it would be this one. the electronic hip-hop beat with the harmonies and vocals, all paired together for a song about her being horny (again), like yeah this all fits. it feels lost in some places though. like some points i feel like i have no idea what part for the song we’re on or what’s happening and we’re just treading water. and another weak chorus with 1 lyric repeated over and over again. (also random side not that intro of her talking reminded me of when she gave that billboard interview and people were mad at her bc she starting talking with an accent even though shes white... like thats what i thought of i was like ma’am you are a rich white theater kid form florida you do not speak like that)

west side: the production in the beginning is so cool? where is sounds like a tape rewinding kinda? love that. but other than that like... no point to this song being included on the album... it’s 2 minutes and it falls flat pretty early on.

love language: this was the one i saw most people agreeing was the best one/most hyped. i expected to be a ballad but it’s one of the more upbeat ones and honestly thank god. a chorus that actually has structure and goes somewhere? wild. good and creative lyrics? WILD. anyway the production is great and reintroduces that kinda 70s vibe from motive but in a refreshing way. really good tie in. third song added to the library.

positions: i honestly didn’t even listen to this when it came out so i really had no idea what to expect. again the strings and orchestral pairs so well together... one of my favorite instrumentals on the whole album. i 100% see why this was the lead single and i agree with it completely. the most catchy chorus and it moves the song forward WHAT A CONCEPT. also very good placement on the tracklist because it was really refreshing. at this point it kinda started to drag on a little but this picked it right up. it also kinda threw me completely off balance because i was so familiar with the pattern of good verse weak chorus good verse weak chorus, but this is the opposite? weak verses but amazing chorus. forth song added to library. also i am genuinely curious why it’s the album title? it doesnt really fit the theme of the album but then again one of my complaints is that it doesnt really have a theme to begin with so...

obvious: the imagery i got when the music came in was like a dark 80′s lounge with dark wood furniture and i loved it lol. the same thing with positions, a surprising and refreshing combo of weak verse but good chorus which was nice. i can see it easily getting me stuck in my head, especially that hook. fifth song added to my library.

pov: this is the other song off the album i heard everyone generally loved. i would say this has the best theme and story of the entire album. it has an interesting concept that isnt overly used and the whole song is pretty good decent verse and decent chorus. i love the end where she gets powerful and has more grit in her voice and we get more emotion out of her... wish she didnt wait until the last 30 seconds of the whole album to finally deliver with that but sure. sixth song to be added to the library.

overall i was pretty surprised at how much i enjoyed it? i really expected not to the way everyone was talking about it. i think it is a good album with just some clear flaws, that could have been easily fixed if she didnt rush the album out so quickly. better lyrics and better judgement/deliberation of which songs deserve to be on the album and it would have been so solid. i would give it an overall rating of 6/10.

here’s my current ranking:

#text #send me asks about yalls opinons too!!

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horansqueen · 5 years

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AM Conversations : chapter 23

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.8k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- a bit longer and i do feel like its awk but thats how its meant to be. i mean the first part with Harry is supposed to be awk a bit and the second part is supposed to be slightly heartbreaking.

- thanks for being patient btw! i work a lot these days and will work even more in the next few weeks (until halloween) so i may not update as often as i’d like. :(

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 23 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

Harry drove me home in silence after I gave him my address. I thought he'd propose to go to his place but I remembered that Harry was used to move around and that he was sleeping on people's couches for a while a few years ago. It made me even more curious about him and I realized that Harry was a complex person and that he was special. It made me want to get to know him better.

When we got to my place, he parked and I unbuckled my seat belt before turning to look at him.

"I don't want to talk about it." I just let out low enough to be sure my voice wouldn't be shaking.

He turned his head my way and sent me a fond smile. I held my breath as his eyes roamed on my face and back in my eyes.

"I know."

His voice was soft, understanding, almost resigned. I reached for his hand on his thigh and squeezed his fingers. I was mad at Niall, hurt by his lie, and I wanted to think about something else, spend time with someone else.

"Do you... want to come in?" I asked, shrugging only one shoulder. "Spend the night, maybe?"

He looked surprised and then a bit taken aback but he finally raised his eyebrows at me, holding my hand tighter. His fingers were warm and I couldn't help but realize what I had just proposed but the truth was, I wanted it. I couldn't pretend it wasn't to take my mind off Niall but I didn't do it to spite him.

"Are you sure that it's what you want?" he breathed gently, bending down closer to me.

My eyes dropped to his lips as mine parted.

"Fuck yes I am." I whispered back, making him smirk and then chuckle. "I've been ready for a while."

The few times something sexual had happened between Harry and I, it was incredible. I couldn't lie, those orgasms were amazing and needed, and even when he was the one getting pleasure, I was getting something out of it. The satisfaction to know I was the one making him feel like that was almost as good as the orgasms he gave me.

"I'm pretty sure it's my turn to pay you back." I added as my lips curled.

He kept silent for a few seconds, a smile still on his lips, and I tilted my head, waiting for his reaction.

"Not tonight. Maybe next time." he pointed out, making my heart skip a beat. "Tonight I just..."

He brought two of his fingers on one of my shoulders and let them slide down on the front of my shirt, between my breasts, as his eyes dropped.

"Tonight I just want to feel myself inside you." he continued, looking up to stare in my eyes. "Only if you want to."

He took his fingers back and I suddenly realized I had stopped breathing. My whole body started throbbing and I just swallowed hard, licking my lips. I couldn't hide that I was nervous but I was even more excited and that feeling clearly won over the other. He had seen me naked already, which was probably what I had feared the most, and I couldn't hide that it still scared me. I tried to tell myself that if he hadn't liked what he had seen before, he wouldn't ask for more, right?

"You know I do."

We smiled at each other and he finally followed me inside. I was a bit ashamed of where I lived since I knew what kind of house Harry had while I lived in a 5 rooms apartment but when I opened the door, the familiar scent reached my nose and I sighed low. I didn't know if it was relief or well-being but either way, it felt good to be back. I hadn't stepped foot in my place for months and although I enjoyed spending time at Niall's, all my stuff was here and it made it my special place.

I let my purse fall next to the couch and turned around swiftly to face Harry. I didn't dare turning the lights on but I could see his face perfectly with the lights from outside.

"I had a good time, it was a nice date." I pointed out in a whisper as his hands reached for my waist.

I ran my tongue on my bottom lip before biting it gently. He took an other step closer and I could feel the warmth from his body emanating against mine as my whole body started throbbing again. I brought my hands to the bottom of my shirt but he shook his head slowly.

"No, please, let me."

I gave in and nodded, moving my arms up as he grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head. His hands reached to my skirt and he pulled on it as I stood in front of him, motionless. It took me a few seconds but I finally stepped out of my skirt, moving back and extending my hand to him. I was only in my underwear in front of him while he was still completely dressed but he reached for the back of his shirt to take it off, letting it fall next to mine on the floor. He took my hand and I walked back until my room. I knew this apartment by heart and I didn't hit anything even if i was walking backwards and in the dark. My room was even darker but I blinked a few times, trying to get used to the darkness. I searched for Harry's pants, fumbling to find his zipper with one hand as the other pressed against his cock.

I never thought I'd be surprised by a guy's dick but I had to admit that Harry's was bigger than any other man's I had been with. I knew it sounded weird but it made me even more nervous until I felt his parted lips press against mine. His fingers reached for the straps of my bra, moving them down gently. His fingertips brushed against my shoulder and it made me moan in his mouth.

"I feel like I haven't fucked in a decade." I whispered, feeling his lips curl at my words.

"Me too."

I knew that he had had opportunities and I was scared that he would be disappointed after having sex with me. Maybe he was going to regret not going out more during the tour to meet people. Maybe he was going to realize the wait wasn't worth it. I tried to push that thought away and unzipped his pants, trying to push them down quickly. One of his hands reached for mine and squeezed them gently.

"No rush, okay?"

His warm breath weirdly made me shiver as I nodded slowly. He pulled his pants down and I reached over his boxers to rub my hand gently against his cock, making him groan.

"I've been thinking about your hands on me constantly after that time in the woods."

I chuckled against his lips and closed my eyes as I pulled his boxers down. Knowing that Harry Styles had enjoyed the hand job I gave him to the point of thinking about it continuously was risible, almost absurd, but I knew he was sincere and it made my heart skip a beat.

His hand slipped in my panties and I held my breath as two of his fingers slid on my clit before slipping inside me, making me whimper despite myself. One of my hand grabbed his dick hard, pressing my fingers on it, while my other hand gripped his hair.

"I could get addicted to this." I admitted in a murmur.

I thought he'd smirk again or laugh but he only pushed his fingers deeper and I pushed on his head to kiss him more.

"Yea?" he breathed in-between kisses. "I hope you do."

Slowly, he took his hand away and bent down, bringing my panties with him. When he moved up again, his hands ran against my legs and up my waist and arms until he cupped my face. As I always do when I stand naked in front of someone, I started getting self-conscious but Harry just kissed me, brushing his lips on my jaw and down my neck.

"I love your body."

My first thought was that he was lying but when his arms slithered around me, I tried to only focus on the way his fingers unclasped my bra. It fell between us on the floor and both his hands reached for my breasts. His thumbs rubbed against my nipples and I felt them get hard suddenly at his touch.

"You wanna lay down?"

It took me half a second and I was laying on the bed, watching him pull his boxers all the way down. He moved locks of his hair behind his ears and I realized how gorgeous he was, standing naked in front of me, only illuminated by the lights from the street. I was excited, horny, and I wanted him, but I couldn't help but feel like something was not right, like I didn't belong here with him. I didn't want to think about Niall at this specific moment but I did and I had to swallow hard to make sure I wouldn't tear up.

As if on cue, I heard the sound of my cellphone coming from the living room, in my purse, and I knew it was Niall. Ironically, the ringtone I had picked for him was a mix of different parts of One Direction songs that he had solos and when Harry moved on top of me, I could hear Niall's voice sing the first part of 'Olivia'. I tried not to think about it but I heard it all and held my breath, unable to focus on Harry's touch.

"Remember the day we were giving up When you told me I didn't give you enough And all of your friends were saying I'd be leaving you She's lying in bed with my t-shirt on Just thinking how I went about it wrong This isn't the stain of a red wine, I'm bleeding love

Please believe me, don't you see The things you mean to me? Oh I love you, I love you I love, I love, I love Olivia."

My phone stopped ringing immediately after and I tried to remember if Niall was aware of my ringtone or not. He couldn't have done that on purpose, right?

"Liv, are you okay?"

I got out of my thoughts and my eyes roamed on Harry's face close to mine. I moved my knees up and my heart skipped a beat when I felt his now hard cock press between my legs.

"Please Harry, fuck me."

I knew it was wrong to ask him that right after thinking about my best friend but I couldn't help myself. I wanted Harry, there was no doubt about it, but if he could take my mind off of Niall for a while and fuck my pain away, it was simply a bonus.

"I thought you'd want.."

"No." I answered gently, shaking my head. "Just fuck me."

I didn't want to take my time. I didn't want to go slow and I didn't want to 'make love'. I wanted him inside me, I wanted a few orgasms, I wanted to hear him moan and feel his lips on my skin. He moved his hips closer to me and I spread my legs more, feeling the tip of his cock slip inside me. I dug my nails in the skin of his upper arms but his expression didn't even change. He simply moved closer again, his eyes roaming on my face as my lips parted and my eyes got bigger. It took half a minute to feel him completely inside me and the feeling was so amazing that I could feel myself throb around him.

"Oh my god." I breathed out before his lips reached mine again.

I knew I needed that but I had no idea just how bad until that moment. I loved how he seemed in total control of everything and he started moving in and out of me so slowly I started shaking beneath him. I squirmed a bit, trying to feel him deeper inside me and he finally gave in and started moving harder and quicker over me, his tongue slipping in my mouth as I moaned and panted. I knew I wouldn't last long and the way he stared at me as if he was waiting to watch me cum made me even hornier.

"Harry, i'm gonna cum."

I felt his lips reach for my neck, trailing small kisses on my skin and making a shiver cross my whole body as an orgasm reached me.

"Cum, I want to feel you."

I suddenly felt dizzy, my body quivering under his as he kept fucking me, going steadily and thrusting deep and hard inside me while still going slowly. I didn't know how he did it but I had never fucked that way before. My orgasm spread inside me and I moaned louder than intended, my eyes fluttering close. It was surprising that I came that hard, especially from the missionary, but I was not sure if it was due to my lack of orgasms recently or because of the way Harry made me feel. Either way, it was worth it and when I opened my eyes again, he was looking at me with a small smile but he had stopped moving.

We remained silent and I couldn't help but feel a bit awkward now that I came. I thought Harry would be more vocal, I thought he had a dirtier mouth, and it was surprising to find out the kind of person he was in bed. It was almost intimidating how in control he was and how much power he seemed to have both over me and himself. Last time, in the woods, he had cursed a few times and it made me wonder if he was holding everything in this time.

"I really want you to cum." I whispered, biting my bottom lip. "All over me."

He looked shock for half a second and I was happy to be able to destabilize him a bit. Without answering, he started fucking me again, this time quicker, and he moved his body up slightly, holding himself with his hands on each side of my face. I reached between us to brush a finger on my clit and breathed through my teeth at the sensation. I was still sensitive but I couldn't hide that the feeling was incredible.

"Please don't stop." I begged in a whisper, arching my back as he groaned.

Hearing him make a sound made me moan too and I rubbed my clit harder when he pulled out of me and stroked his cock hard before he reached an orgasm, his cum spurting all over my lower stomach.

"Holy fucking sh-"

I held my breath as I looked at him, his face twisting with pleasure and his eyes closed. It turned me on even more and I dipped my fingers in his cum, bringing it down to my pussy and rubbing my clit again. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and brought more of his cum between my legs and when my eyes opened again, I realized he was staring at my fingers. It made me hold my breath and I felt an other orgasm explode inside me, making me shaking and curse low, moaning his name a few times and touching myself until the feelings left my body completely.

"That was a sight." Harry let out with surprise, a chuckle leaving his lips.

I could feel my cheeks burn but just cleared my throat as he lied down next to me. After a while, we moved under the blankets and I stayed on my back, my eyes closed. I felt him move on the mattress and when I opened my eyes, I turned my head his way, realizing he was laying on his side, looking at me. His hand reached for my breasts and he ran the tip of his forefinger against my nipple, making me chuckle again.

"When did you get your nipples pierced."

"A long time ago, when I turned 18." I explained with a big smile. "Why?"

He shrugged, staring at my chest, and I licked my lips nervously.

"I don't know, I would never have guessed." he admitted. "And I didn't really have time to ask back at the lodge."

I didn't answer and he stopped touching me but moved a bit closer as I shut my eyes tight. It was not awkward anymore and although I was extremely tired, I wanted to spend some minutes to talk with him.

"It was different." I explained, opening my eyes as he sent me a frown. "Different than when we did things at the lodge. You didn't really talk or anything. You looked in control, almost indifferent."

His face changed and he sighed, bringing his hand to my cheek. I felt my heart melt at his touch but tried to hide how good the affection he was giving me made me feel.

"I was just trying to make things right." he confessed. "I wanted this to be perfect, you know. I wanted to focus on you."

I decided to keep quiet but I could feel something burn in my throat. I was convinced that sex was something that was meant to be shared with someone. I thought the point was to get pleasure but also give it. I didn't want him to focus only on me, I wanted him to feel just as good as I felt, I wanted this to be memorable for both of us.

"I'm sorry, I promise that next time-"

I didn't let him finish and crashed my lips against his. He seemed to relax and slipped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him and deepening the kiss, this time groaning in my mouth.

"I may wake you up in the middle of the night to do it again." he whispered, making me chuckle before kissing me harder.

"You definitely should."

---

I woke up and rolled in bed, feeling his warm skin against mine as I cuddled him. The sun was up, I saw it shine through the window and I groaned, hiding my face in his neck. He hadn't woken me up in the night to fuck again but his arm was still wrapped around me and I blinked a few times before opening my eyes. He looked so peaceful when he slept that I even held my breath to make sure I wouldn't wake him up.

As I stared at him, I started thinking about Niall and what had happened at the café the night before. I couldn't remember the last time I went to bed mad at my best friend and I started wondering if it ever happened before. I closed my eyes and swallowed, thinking it was extremely possible that Niall had done with Maya what I had done with Harry and the thought made me nauseous. I was being a hypocrite, I knew it, but all the contradictions in my head seemed to make sense, even if only for me.

Slowly, I got out of Harry's warm embrace and grabbed his shirt on the floor to put it on. I walked out of the room on my tiptoe, looking back a few times to look at him, and finally sat on my couch, bending down to grab my purse. The number of notifications i saw on my phone made me hold my breath. A few missed calls and exactly 14 text messages were waiting for me and when i realized they were all from Niall, I felt my heart twist in my chest.

'I'm sorry, please forgive me, i love you'

'You're my best friend and i don't want to lose you. I'm sorry I lied.'

'Come on Liv, I'm sorry, please answer me.'

'Don't ignore me please I hate this'

'Are you with him? Is that why you're not answering me?'

'Call me. Or come home. We really need to talk.'

I didn’t have time to read all of them and jumped slightly when I heard a voice in my back.

"It's him, isn't it? He called last night when we were..."

I turned to look at Harry who stood naked in front of me and sighed low before getting up. He looked incredible, as usual, and I tilted my head, enjoying the view for a few more seconds. Was I going to ruin what I had with him the way I was ruining what I have with Niall? By keeping them both around, was I going to lose both of them?

"Yea, he wants to talk."

Harry nodded, pushing his messy hair behind his shoulders and shrugging.

"You should go then."

I didn't know what came over me but I felt a wave of affection towards Harry and walked around the couch to throw myself in his arms. He held me close and kissed the top of my head, making me smile more. I had no idea why he was so understanding but I couldn't explain how much it meant to me. He smelled good and when I got out of his embrace, he bent down to kiss my lips so gently that I felt my heart melt in my chest.

"Do you want me to wait for you here?" he asked in a whisper, making my eyes flutter open.

I didn't know how it would go with Niall, but I had just taken a decision. I stared at Harry,s perfect face and swallowed hard, scared of what I was going to do but knowing it had to be done. I brought my hands up to cup his face and ran my thumbs on his cheeks gently.

"Yes, please." I whispered back. "Wait for me."

"I will."

The double meaning behind this short exchange made me feel guilty and I just moved up on my tiptoes to kiss him again. I grabbed his upper lip between mine and nibbled on it softly before moving back slightly.

"I owe you, remember?" I breathed out with a smirk. "I'm getting on my knees as soon as I'm back."

He chuckled against my lips, his eyes still closed, but didn't answer.

"Go." he just let out.

I rushed to my room to get dressed and grabbed my stuff, searching for my keys in my purse as I walked quickly to my car. The ride seemed long even if it technically was not and when I rang the doorbell, it felt extremely awkward. When was the last time I had been away from Niall for so long? It was clearly before tour and it seemed like forever ago.

The door open slowly and I noticed how sad he looked. Was it my fault? As soon as his eyes met mine they got bigger and I could read hope all over his face.

"Liv, hey, i'm so sorry for all the text messages."

I kept silent and licked my lips but he just stared at me, putting his hands in his pockets quickly as his eyes roamed on my face. How can you miss someone so much after only a few hours apart? It was pathetic. He breathed in and finally sighed in a relieved way before moving on the side to let me in. I took a step in and walked to the living room, sitting on his couch and looking in front of me. This is where we had danced only a few days ago, and on that day, I could swear something was happening between us.

I got out of my thoughts when Niall sat next to me and I turned to him raising my eyebrows. For some reason, I felt like he was the one who should say something and I waited.

"I'm sorry. I swear I didn't want to lie to you, I just didn't want to talk about it."

"That hurts, Niall. You never lied to me before." I pointed out. "I mean, not that I know of."

"I haven't! Jesus Christ, I wish I had told you that Maya and I..."

I glanced behind him as if I was expecting Maya to appear wearing only his shirt or something like that. That simple thought made me swallow hard.

"I'm sorry." he shook his head and rubbed his eyes and all I wanted to do was tell him he was forgiven and hug him but I just remained motionless.

How could I admit to Niall that the reason I was so mad was that all this time, I had been hurt by a lie. Knowing that he had had sex with Maya had been something that had haunted me and made me cry at night and now, I was finding out that it never happened and that I had been hurt by something that was not real. It was mostly my fault, not his, but I couldn't tell him that without admitting to him that I had feelings for him.

"Look, Niall, I need a break."

His face twisted into a shocked expression and he shook his head, moving his upper body back a bit. His lips parted and all I could think about was how bad I wanted to straddle him and kiss him, how bad I wanted him to whisper my name, how bad I wanted him to beg me to stay.

"A break of what? Why?"

"Us, Niall. A break of this intense and abnormal friendship." I explained more, hoping my voice wouldn't crack.

His face changed and I could swear I saw fear in his eyes. His hands reached for mine and I swallowed again, trying not to answer his gesture when he squeezed my fingers.

"Our friendship is not abnormal, it's special and unique alright, but we're not doing anything wrong. We're friends I mean, we've always been best friends. I don't want things to change."

I didn't want things to change either but I didn't tell him. I just licked my lips and shook my head.

"Is it me you want in your life, or is it just that you're so used to have me around that it would be weird if I wasn't there anymore?"

He frowned, clearly offended by my words, and moved his face closer to me. I felt myself tear up as I tried to memorize every tiny detail of his face. He was beautiful and the sight made butterflies hit the inside of my stomach. It was impossible for anyone else to be so handsome but Niall was there, right in front of me, and everything inside me was telling me to kiss him and tell him how much I loved him.

"It's you. Just you, Olivia."

The way my name sounded in his mouth was incredible and I suddenly felt dizzy.

"I would like to make sure of that. Perhaps a few weeks apart will help us see things more clearly."

"Weeks?"

I got up quickly, knowing I had to leave as quick as I could or I would change my mind. I didn't want to be away from Niall but I knew I had to. I also knew I would miss him more than humanly possible but It had to be done. I grabbed my purse again and turned around, walking back to his front door until I felt his warm hand on my arm, turning me around and pulling me close to him. This time, I didn't resist and wrapped my arms around his chest, pressing my cheek on his shirt and inhaling his scent like it was the very last time.

"Please, don't do that. I'm gonna miss you so fucking much."

I held my tears in and finally took a step back, sending him a sad smile.

"I'll call you."

I almost ran out and hopped in my car but it's only when I drove back in his driveway that I noticed he had ran out of his house too and was yelling my name. I ignored him and drove away, looking at him in my rear view mirror as he was standing motionless in the middle of the street. At that exact moment, the realization of what I had just done hit me and I started crying, letting out a few sobs despite myself.

I had no idea if I did the right thing anymore. I already missed him and being away from him was the last thing I wanted. Unfortunately, my love for him was getting stronger every day and I had to do something to stop it. They say 'out of sight out of mind', right? I just hoped they were right.

#niall horan #niall horan fluff #niall horan smut #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan story #niall horan writing #harry styles #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles story #harry styles writing #my fanfics #amc #gah idk man

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fratboyfaith · 5 years

Text

coming out!

okay, so, maybe i should start at the beginning?

yeah, okay. here we go.

history

as far back as I can remember, i’ve had crushes. like, almost an abnormal amount for such a young kid ahahah. want proof? every year of school I had a crush on at least one person, holy fuck. good god, i would have so many crushes on these random boys i never even talked to and i’d be in a constant dreamy state due to it.

i would watch movies and dream of experiencing the same things those women (who are literally faking love) portray on television.

i had my real first kiss at 5, with a girl

actually, she was the furthest I ever went with anyone, later on.

my “first kiss”, you know, the one that’s ‘the first’ as a pre-teen where it’s all awkward and shit, i had behind a library at 14

but when he kissed me, or rather, when I grabbed his face and kissed him because he was too hesitant to make the first move…

i felt nothing.

you know in movies, books, for god’s sake even songs, that thing…that tingle? apparently there’s this tingle you’re supposed to get? or that feeling you get when you’re with someone you ‘like-like’ -since we’re talking about 14 year olds

I didn’t feel that attraction, I didn’t feel anything. when we dated for a short period of time — the way grade nines do, you know — i felt nothing.

I mean, I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with him, we hadn’t known each other that long, but when I say nothing happened, like I didn’t feel a single thing. before, during, and after.

we broke up a few days later due to my lack of affection, and of course the fact that he wanted someone else.

when we broke up, I didn’t get mad, didn’t get upset, didn’t feel anything.

I was just trying to follow the ‘normal teenager’ thing to do.

being 14, i just wanted to be as normal as possible.

experience

so then, i kept trying.

because to a 14 year old a boyfriend was such a big priority.

i made friends with a nice boy, we’re still friends to this day

what a great guy he is, and i’m honestly so glad he found someone he can spend his life with

we hit it off back the same year, 2014, everything was great

but then something shut off.

that was the start of me thinking there was something legitimately wrong with me for 6 years

right before we were about to date,

my whole opinion of him changed in literally in a blink.

like, it all shut off, that feeling… like, the attraction?

so, since all those feelings just *disappeared*, so did I out of his life.

this was a continuous thing from grade 9 to present day, ever since I started dating.

every single time I would go out with a guy, within days I would lose all feelings

and the weird part was that it never bothered me.

I never felt sad for losing feelings.

they just switched off as soon as we got close.

and the whole time, I thought there was always something wrong with me

like, there was nothing wrong with these people, most of my ex’s are quality* people!

*although there was one guy I dated who threatened me and told me to “drop dead” bc i broke up with him due to this ‘problem’ I thought I had. so that wasn’t really cool tbh

I kept trying so hard to find someone who I didn’t instantly lose feelings for as soon as we got close

i went through 27 people, in those 6 years, and every single one I lost feelings for instantly either right before being asked to be their girlfriend, or days after we started dating.

i always thought there was something wrong about me, and i hated myself for it.

i resorted to ghosting to every person who tried to get to my heart because the feelings were never mutual in my case,

for 6 years i ghosted so many people — even before it was called ghosting

and looking back now I can acknowledge that it was so wrong to do that…if I had the mind i did when i was 14 and started experiencing this, i wouldn’t of resorted to ghosting.

but the idea of spending one more single day with a person i had lost all feelings for... to the point where it would make me uncomfortable to even be near them, was too much for me to handle.

so i broke up with the past partners, and ghosted the could-have-beens, so i wasn’t feeling this horrible discomfort, and i didn’t want to lie to them and fake my feelings for their happiness... because in my eyes that’s worse.

2018 me would have totally given an explanation bc ghosting is not cool at all.

i just shut out their feelings, because mine were already gone prior.

being i didn’t know what was ‘wrong’ with me, this was the only option in my eyes.

fast forward to last year (2017)

i met someone, we really clicked well, everything was going great, he showed me the classiness of dating that no one had shown me before

but it still happened (gosh darn)

I lost every feeling that i was trying so hard to hold onto

but no matter how hard my grip was, it always slipped out of my fingers.

obviously now i see that ghosting is such a dick move lol

so i actually gave him an explanation! he became the first guy I came out to! (further on the coming out part in like 5 or 6 sentences i know this is so long)

realization

in october 2017 i started digging deep into how i function as a person and trying to learn more about who i am..

i started to research a little, but gave up quickly.

like how do you try and explain in the google search bar that every time anyone tries to get close with you, you lose all feelings and shut them out instantly?

then it hit me

my voice in my head literally said to me ‘oh shit what if i’m asexual’

i spent the next 72 hours in my room researching everything about asexuality.

i found out there’s nothing wrong with me, and holy fuck was that a weight of my shoulders.

i discovered so much information and found out there are so many different kinds of asexuality.

the way ash hardell explained it in such depth... it’s like everything made sense. it’s like when she gave the definition for lithromantic/sexual it was about me.

i was so relieved, man you have no idea how relieved i was.

all of a sudden this ‘problem’ i had wasn’t a problem.

november 3rd 2017 to my mom, dad, and my best friend of 7 years, I came out as asexual.

i was so scared. like, usually i never get nervous. tests? exams? psh, if anything i’m too laidback and unworried.

my mom said to me “life can be just as fulfilling without having to get married or date, you can have amazing friends and support without a significant other” she was so accepting and supportive.

my Conservative Christian father told me “well, maybe you haven’t met the right boy yet that’s all”

lol what the fuck

it’s like… if a man comes out as gay, and someone were to say “maybe you haven’t met the right girl yet that’s all”

funny enough, even when I told my close friend —at the time— who was coincidentally homosexual, he said the same thing to me, which baffles me because I would have thought him all people would understand the difficulty of coming out and having everyone judge you because you’re different.

and furthermore, for the next month, that "you just haven’t met the right guy” quote was all I heard from everyone.

i went silent for a year.

every person i told, granted it was only a few of close friends and my parents, told me the same thing.

pretty sure only one person didn’t use that line on me, so thanks anGeLiNa ilysm <3

lesson: if someone is coming out don’t say shit like

“maybe you just haven’t met the perfect guy yet”

bc if they’ve gone through the difficulty of this, they’re probably PRETTY SURE that’s not gonna be the ‘cure-all’ remedy.

for a year I held my tongue even though I knew the truth about myself, I was afraid of being stigmatized or told the same thing everyone else did.

until a few days ago, i was in this state of holding it all in for 13 months.

i was unsure if i should tell my new college friends, i was worried no one would like me. i feared stigmatization, i feared guys would think i was a prude

i didn’t want to spend all my time trying to explain a sexual orientation i didn’t even 100% understand myself

I always liked the concept of falling in love, it used to be all I’d think about when I was younger

I see young couples holding hands walking in stores or down the street and i sigh because i wish i had that.

the concept of love really got me.

I would still have these crushes too, but I would never pursue them just because I never had an interest to.. and when I would, I would lose feelings instantly because deep within I never wanted intimacy.

so in my sociology class last week, asexuality was the topic we were learning, and with that it brought everything back

like a year hadn’t even passed.

but this time i was determined for some answers.

when I came out to my family and keona (to me, she is also family) I was still hesitant… for god’s sake I was hesitant until yesterday.

I didn’t like the feeling of this label making me *doomed to never love* as I still like the concept of love

but I needed to be honest with what i really want

when I’m in a relationship, i’m not happy.

romantic reciprocation towards me makes me uncomfortable, it’s just who I am.

so why force it if it’s something i truly do not want?

it doesn’t make me sad anymore, it used to. I always liked the idea of dating having an S/O, but in reality, deep within, for me.. I do not want that. I simply like the idea. I can’t change me, as soon as I discovered asexuality, i no longer saw it as problem anymore — if anything it takes soooooooo much pressure off.

so yeah,

I still get attracted to guys. (and girls oooo fun additional tidbit)

still get crushes.

still walk by people and look them up and down bc damn hello *wink*

yeah i get horny i’m not a nun

yeah, i have a great personal sexual life

i’m not a fucking robot lol

yeah i’ll still flirt with you for fun

simply put: I just don’t want to be romantically or sexually close with someone else.

I have no desire to, and I’m okay with that

I’m still learning all of this as I go along,

i have wonderful friends who support and love me and that is all I could ever ask for <3

i don’t see the high point of my life to be having kids or getting married tbh, i don’t actually even see that ever happening.

no, life isn’t lonely, I love my solitude and I gain so much positivity and love from my family, friends, and the people around me.

yesterday (dec 10th) i finally accepted myself — after countless years of trying to do something i’m not programmed to do.

i’m asexual/aromantic

literally am the same person as i was yesterday, last week, and last year

all this is, is a label and an event of acceptance of myself

not changing anything about myself

I am simple acknowledging who i am, and letting it be known, so I can further accept it myself and grow ♡

with doing this, I feel SOOOOO good oh my GOD

this was such a happy thing for me to write! this is a day of freaking celebration!

like, i don’t have to keep trying be something i’m not and it feels wonderful

i can finally start focusing on my version of happiness instead of trying to accomplish the traditional happiness…which ironically never made me happy.

my #1 girl is named faith and i’m focusing on her happiness, and this was a big acceptance chapter I needed to get through in order for her to flourish further.

thank you for reading!

tbh i’m not even going to proofread this so if there’s spelling mistakes my uPmOsT aPoLogiEs~

#asexual #lithromantic #lithsexual #lith #akoisexual #akoiromantic #ace #comingout

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