#she gives me the same vibes that ellen degeneres does

[poisxnyouth]

Omg give me a guide to Disney pls

omg omg omg okay okay okay

magic kingdom:

LISTEN HERE, BITCH. I KNOW YOU WANT TO SUCK DICK ON HAUNTED MANSION. I KNOW YOU MIGHT THINK, 'IT'S SO DARK THEY CAN'T SEE!' GIRL. THEY CAN SEE. THEY CAN SEE EVERYTHING. THEY WILL STOP THE RIDE. suck dick on CAROUSEL OF PROGRESS, IF ANYTHING. suck dick in EPCOT - ITS THE MOST IDEAL.

people will try to talk you out of riding carousel of progress. DON'T LET THEM. they say it's a "20 minute time commitment" but you know what? that "20 minute time commitment" is the happiest 20 minutes of ur life and produces so much seratonin you will be happy for WEEKS. AND it's in the A/C. (suck dick there if you must) AND there's almost NEVER a wait time. i will love that old robotic man until the day that i die. there's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day✨

space mountain is lit but i have an irrational fear of getting decapitated on it so like. um. just vibe, i guess?? u should probably get fast passes for this one

thunder mountain GOES HARD. don't ride it if you don't want to look ugly in front of your disney date.

teacups are almost always essential but if you don't want to vom maybe don't?

pirates of the caribbean is ESSENTIAL for ur pleasure. yo ho yo ho the pirates life for me. i'm convinced that when i was little i actually saw johnny depp in the chair but that's another story for another time. there is a specific smell when you're riding by the boat and the canons are going off. i think about that smell every day of my life

splash mountain is slow. until it's not. prepare yourself.

get a dole whip by pirates. you'll thank me later.

there's so many candy shops on main street please don't give in

EPCOT

is my favorite park.

get a fastpass for test track, and get a fastpass for soarin. you'll need it.

only pussies ride misson space green. rise mission space orange. there's a vom bag in there if you need one, my love❤️ be confident.

ON TEST TRACK THERE IS A COMPETITION THAT GOES ON ALL DAY WHERE IT PUTS YOU UP AGAINST THE MOST POWERFUL CAR OF THE DAY (you build your own car, for anyone unfamiliar). make. that. shit. 99. power. DO IT. it's so much fun.

three amigos in mexico is 🥺❤️ that's all. ride it!

there used to be an ellen degeneres/bill nye (? was he there???) ride with the dinosaurs but they're replacing it with whachamacallit. guardians of the galaxy. smh.

norway used to have such a fire fucking ride about the norweigan folk tales but they replaced it with frozen and i've been so mad at disney for it that i have not stepped foot in epcot's norway since.

epcot also has something online where you're perry the platypus and you go on missions around the park and get secret shit to happen. (so much fun) in the same vein, there's something called kidcot where u start in canada and end in mexico and u go to every country, find the kidcot stand, and the person there will give u something related to the country!!! had to do it for a school trip one time. super fun!!

soarin is epic don't be afraid of the height thing it's a whole vibe but try kicking tinkerbell when she's on the eiffel tower (be prepared for SMELLS)

spaceship earth is the best ride in the entirety of disney world (coupled with carousel of progress...in my humble opinion) and THIS IS THE RIDE TO SUCK DICK ON!!! beware that once you get to the top and you're circling the earth YOUR CART DOES SPIN AROUND and EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU so just. beware of that. i got finger blasted on here and there was an old lady behind us while we were making out and i still feel super guilty for it.

there's a ride about the environment (the land) in the building called. the land. and its super fun and interesting if ur into that stuff!

best snack in epcot is the chocolate mousse in france. they closed the colonial restaurant thing in america and i'm mad at disney for that shit too. they had the best chicken tenders UM EVER and i'm so pressed

nemo & friends goes hard and is better than the little mermaid ride in magic kingdom.

ANIMAL KINGDOM

expedition everest is the only thing that matters here

but i went before the whole pandora thing was there so idk what its like now

HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS

...sucks

sorry...tower of terror is fire. havent been since galaxy's edge opened so i couldn't tell u about it even if i wanted to

#DID I REALLY JUST GO THAT INTO DETAIL ABOUT DISNEY #I GUESS #good luck if y'all actually read that #HAHAHA

[foreverydinger]

10 — Deux Moi: Sammy Tries To Remember Celebrities

Pete Davidson — Love Witch: How else is this man landing all these girls? He’s using all the magic at his disposal to hype himself up. Self-Love out the WAZOO here in the BDRPverse. No further questions as this is simply a RUMOR within the universe but y’all know it’s true. What else explains this bizarre not-funny man’s ability to snag a woman like Ariana or.... I guess Kim???? Weird AF! Also I do not trust that he’s not using a darker side of love witchery, okay? Dude’s skeevy AF!

Ellen DeGeneres — Unseelie: Listen, the Vibes on this woman... She is here to fuck with your shit and does not care who is in that path so long as she remains amused. Who knows how long she’s been in this realm? No one! She’s one of the ancient ones, one of the malicious ones, and finding a place in the entertainment industry has only made her stronger. Do not approach if you value your life and sanity.

Halsey — Shapeshifter: HAVE YOU SEEN THEM????? Literally it’s what they deserve. Give them their money back for wigs, they should be able to do whatever they want with their appearance any time all the time. Halsey can do no wrong, I want them to thrive in all things.

Billie Eilish — Werewolf: Everyone suspects Billie of being a vampire because of the edgy music vibes and I respect them but Billie Eilish is a werewolf and has been for aWHILE and she has such a good handle on herself and I’m glad she’s coming into her own!

Paul Rudd — Vampire: Did he just win Sexiest Man Alive? Yes. Do I believe he’s alive looking the Exact Same for so many DECADES? Absolutely not. That man is a vampire. A very sweet, very goofy, and yes very attractive in a “You want her home by eleven? We’ll be back by ten!” and he fully respects your boundaries the entire date kind of way. Anyway, there’s no other explanation, sorry.

Mark Ruffalo — Werewolf: This made his role as Hulk semi-controversial, not gonna lie. People were like “He turns into a giant green RAGE MONSTER???? He’s a WEREWOLF!!! Isn’t that INSENSITIVE???” but also who better to play Hulk than someone who Gets It, you know? Plus all his environmentalism is spurred by the disenfranchisement that he has dealt with for so long because of his condition. Let the man play whatever parts he wants.

Marisa Tomei — Performing-Talent Pixie: You’re gonna look at this sweet, tiny woman and tell me that I’m WRONG!? Marisa Tomei is a perfect adorable MILF that this industry needs. I will take no criticism on this, I love Marisa Tomei. Bite me.

Kristen Stewart — Vampire: I just think it’d be funny for her to play the one human in this vampire movie. People got all in a tizzy about it, saying she was stealing the role a Mundus could have played but she was perfect in Twilight and she does NOT deserve the hate she gets for playing a part the way the director told her. Also YES gimme a hot queer vampire lady, I LOVE Kristen Stewart, she’s too fuckin hot.

Freddy Mercury — Siren: What did he put in all his music that made it slap so hard? HIS SIREN SONG, DUH! This man was absolutely a siren and I don’t think a single one of you can disagree with me. He also absolutely had a flashy rainbow tail and deserved it for being so iconic. I expect everyone here to agree.

Jonas Brothers — Bard Specialty Sorcerers: This is partially me wanting people to make the Bard Specialty a thing by getting Raine Whispers from The Owl House but also this is a really good way to explain each of the Brothers’ musical talents all rolled into one. They each focused on a specific aspect of their specialty and lace each of their songs with reagents and intention to get them to hit Just Right, even when they all split up for a time. (The only alternate explanation is them being cupids of some kind and THIS is their true form!)

#swynwrimo #swynwrimosammy

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 12x11 “Regarding Dean”

<3 <3 <3 smol cursed Dean is my jam, Meredith Glynn is my peanut butter, and thus I raise a toast to this episode

06:06pm

all i know about this is from the promos i saw on instagram. kind pumped, kinda wary. cursed-by-a-witch!dean was one of my favourite fanfic tropes though, back when i still read other people’s fanfic. i think i’ve written the trope myself once. maybe twice or three times? definitely In Which Dean Frogs Up is a cursed!dean fic and i love that fic dearly

this episode’s written by meredith glynn, who last wrote the dean-kills-hitler episode (the memory of which makes me smile. FUCK WHITE SUPREMACY)

(but actually though, it was weird how it was more of a “fuck your symbols” rather than a “fuck the bad thing you actually do” narrative?? if half the people who watch this show are republican, i assume many of them voted trump, and are therefore associated with nazism. and yet??? i’m sure many of them would also be like “hell yeah destroy hitler” without realising that the racist pumpkin and his motley crew of swamp-dwellers, who they just happily elected, has gotten nazism point two up and running, post-millenium)

-

06:18

ANYWAY

let’s watch this thing

-

dean caring about rabbits!! yes good

i’ve forgotten so much about the early seasons, i only watched season 2 & 3 once

-

06:22

EYY RABBIT

i hope this rabbit makes it out alive

(also dean is still a disney princess fight me)

-

06:23

I’M

SO

HAPPY

BECAUSE DEAN AND RABBITS

AAAAH

“HEY BUDDY”

BUT LIKE?? WILD RABBITS ARE THE SCAREDIEST THINGS ON EARTH. I KNOW IT’S A TRAINED RABBIT BUT. IF DEAN CAN PICK UP A WILD RABBIT

HE’S A FUCKING DISNEY PRINCESS

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE THING

-

06:25

the fluFFY WHITE DOG

IS THAT A SAMOYED

IS THAT THE SAME SAMOYED I SAW IN AN EPISODE LAST YEAR AND COMMENTED ON HOW DEAN WASN’T SCARED OF IT

I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I’M LIVING FOR THIS RIGHT NOW

-

06:27

it’s so nice that sam can say “right. well i’ll text mom”

mary was what this show needed

-

06:29

i’m really enjoying dean

just... existing

he’s good

-

06:31

THIS AUTOPSY LADY BETTER A) HAVE A NAME, AND B) LIVE THROUGH THIS EPISODE

-

06:31

c) fucking SPEAK WHAT THE HELL SHE DIDN’T SPEAK AND NOW SHE’S GONE

HER HAIR WAS SO COOL

but hey she didn’t die, that’s a plus

-

06:33

sam’s hair looks really good

also i like that sam judges dean really hard when he’s being an asshole

-

06:34

dean is actually starting to look more like season 1 dean

it’s the mussed hair and the stubble i think

and the pouty half-open lips

-

06:36

dean: “who’s dean?”

this is too relatable

i don’t think it’s meant to be relatable

but whenever this show does “something is wrong, they can’t see straight and they need blankets” i relate so hard

-

06:38

EEEEEY DEAN LOVES DORY

WE ALL LOVE DORY

DORY IS ME

(flashback to a few weeks ago, me standing in a hardware store, bawling my eyes out because i couldn’t remember why i needed to go the hardware store)

(turns out i went there to buy paint, but they didn’t have the paint i needed, and my brain freaked out and shut down)

(there was a nice sales guy in the garden centre though, and i bought a fern, which made me happy, and still makes me happy. nice people and plants are the best)

sidenote: DORY IS VOICED BY ELLEN DEGENERES THEREFORE COUNTS AS DEAN LIKING QUEER STUFF PROBABLY

-

06:43

sam put a note on the lamp

this is legit just reminding me of my own fics, i feel as if i would get along with meredith glynn if we ever met

-

06:44

rowena playing cards with a dude of colour

if she flips and murders them all i’m so done

also i had to google “crowley’s mother spn” because i forgot rowena’s name. i knew it began with r

and she’s one of my favourite characters

how the heck am i still alive

-

05:51

lady: “oh yeah. he had the hots for larry as soon as he walked in”

sam, to dean: “you rode larry?”

mmmmmmmmm yes give me all that lowkey homoerotic bullriding bisexual bottom!dean bullcrap

-

06:56

dean’s like “i’ll man the flashlight”

aw yiss yellow fever vibes

(i wonder why this shit never happens to sam)

-

06:56

SAM TOLD DEAN HE HAD A DUDE SIREN

HURRR

-

06:58

dean: “aND!! our best friend’s an angel!!!! whaaaaaaaat~~~*”

dean i love you

-

07:04

rowena: “spell’s progressed, i see”

now this is reminding me of Dean Winchester the Puppydog

man i love my fics

and i love when the show does things i’d put into my own writing

idk but this episode is giving me a feel-good vibe right now

-

07:06

JENSEN’S FACE WHEN HE DOES CURSED!DEAN IS SO CUTE AND SQUISHY

DEAN BEING HAPPY WITH ROWENA’S HAIR

UGH THIS MAKES ME SO DELIGHTED

(quietly thinking dean would love to have bouncy long hair #bigender dean headcanon forever and ever)

-

07:09

rowena: “do we have to fix him?”

literally cas in my puppydog!dean fic aaahahhhhh

(sorry guys i know i talk about my fics a lot THEY ARE WHAT KEEPS ME SANE they are my life and they are my thoughts and THEY ARE RELEVANT)

-

07:11

dean’s watching scooby doo

also Delirium and Doctor Sexy

i love making dean smol and enfeebled

-

07:18

“casti..... cas.... is my best friend”

;A;

-

07:30

sam: “nonono-- brother!!! witch!!!”

dean: *shoots witch*

that was good

-

07:32

i can’t tell if dean reminds me of esposito from ‘castle’, or if esposito reminds me of dean

they’re basically the same character with different faces and names and friends

-

07:34

the fact dean knows what he forgot, and the importance of forgetting, makes it seems like he remembers forgetting, therefore he lied to rowena when he said the memory of what she said was blank

-

07:36

THIS SLOWMO RECAP??!?!?!?!!!!!

the lyrics are “of big green frogs and puppydogs and castles in the sand”

okay but like

what if the writers read my fics though

i know they probably have contracts against that but hey i can dream

meredith glynn, if you ever read this, hi, i love you, please talk to me

-

DEAN RIDING THE BULL AAAAAAAAAAAAAH

-

“little broomstick cowboy” while dean’s riding larry

yeah that’s not about riding dicks at all /sarcasm

-

THAT NOSE BOOP IS MY FAVE

-

07:40

DEAN LYING DOWN AFTERWARDS

FUCK THAT WAS SEXUAL WHAT THE FUCK I SAJFHSDFGDG

-

07:40

MMMMMMM GOOD SHIT 10/10

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OTHER THAN

YUP

GOOD 

WELL DONE

I AM SMILING AND SATISFIED AND HAPPY THANK YOU

just the right ratio of fluff to angst

dear meredith glynn, i think you and i would get along. i feel like i just watched one of my own stories play out??? i mean, sans the destiel. this felt personal and SO GOOD

definitely one of my favourites

<3 <3 <3

-

08:03pm

edit: ALSO Cowboys and Real Estate Angels IN WHICH DEAN RIDES BULLS

#I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW??? #Meredith Glynn #12x11 #spn spoilers #Regarding Dean #season 12 #Elmie watches things #post of postiness

[funface2]

9 funny memes from fourth Democratic debate – Fast Company

9 funny memes from the fourth Democratic debate to help you laugh and not cry

Here are nearly as many memes about last night’s Democratic debate as there were candidates on stage (i.e. probably too many.)

[Photo: courtesy of CNN & The New York Times]

By Joe Berkowitz6 minute Read

Sometimes, you have to laugh to keep from crying. (See: most of the last three years.)

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Every now and then, the fuel for that laughter comes from the very politicians who are fighting against, or responsible for, what we’re crying about. Either these politicians are cracking jokes, which rarely ends well, or everybody else is cracking jokes at their expense. One of the more optimum opportunities for the latter is a presidential debate. These things always end up turning into Political Joke Thunderdome on Twitter, and last night was no exception.

Here are the best memes Fast Company noticed emerging from the fourth Democratic debate of this election, which saw a crowded stage of 12 candidates duke it out for viral supremacy.

Who is Tom Steyer?

Considering that at this point most people would prefer the Democratic field be winnowed down rather than inflated, a lot of viewers were unenthused about seeing a new face on stage. (And Keke Palmer recently gave them a perfect way to express as much.)

Never heard of Tom Steyer in my life. Sorry to this man.

— jeremy bearimy (@crissles) October 16, 2019

Me looking at Tom Steyer not even knowing who he is and that he was part of the debate. #DemocraticDebate pic.twitter.com/gYZ1y4IAXq

— Giselle V. (@itsgissel) October 16, 2019

“Who the hell is this?” – All of America when Tom Steyer started talking

— Jason Howerton (@jason_howerton) October 16, 2019

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When there’s suddenly a new debate participant and we’re just supposed to act like they were there all along pic.twitter.com/eQzoWSM0r2

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) October 16, 2019

Joe Biden yelling at Elizabeth Warren

A lot of people ended up challenging Elizabeth Warren during last night’s debate (you better believe we’ll be seeing more in just a moment), but only one of them has an angry grandpa vibe in general and a history of pointing fingers in people’s faces.

People mocked Joe Biden’s explosive moment with references to a Will Ferrell SNL character . . .

I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS https://t.co/qCAGaimdru

— Sonny Bunch (@SonnyBunch) October 16, 2019

And with references to the MRA reaction to Star Wars: The Last Jedi . . .

“I like Kelly Marie Tran, but I don’t like Rose as a character!” https://t.co/IfHXYjxtzB

— Jordan Maison (@JordanMaison) October 16, 2019

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And of course with esoteric Simpsons references.

“And I wore an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time” https://t.co/3urPHGhOUH

— William D. Adler (@williamadler78) October 16, 2019

“Will you join me, Elizabeth?”

Kamala Harris and Tulsi Gabbard took turns trying to recruit Elizabeth Warren to a pair of positions they’d stated—deleting Trump’s Twitter account and calling for an “end to these regime change wars in Syria,” respectively, to no avail. People online had fun with these requests and with Warren’s utterly unfazed response.

WHEN will elizabeth warren join me in demanding that Under The Dome get renewed for another season — @ewarren what are you afraid of??

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) October 16, 2019

Everyone wants Liz Warren specifically to join them in some random venture!!!! We should make an app.

“Liz Warren, will you join me in supporting the public stoning of couples in restaurants that have to sit on the same side of the table?” #DemDebate

— Phillip Henry (@MajorPhilebrity) October 16, 2019

#DemDebate Tulsi Gabbard: I hope Elizabeth Warren will join me.

Elizabeth Warren: pic.twitter.com/cFfsz1tbd7

— Theresa (@theresaaaclare) October 16, 2019

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Tulsi Gabbard is NOT a Russian asset

Of course, Tulsi Gabbard using the phrase “regime-change war” to describe the genocide in Syria struck some people as echoing Vladimir Putin’s language about what is currently happening in the region. This turn of phrase would have likely incited some blowback anyway, but it ironically came just moments after Gabbard, unprompted, declared that she is not, in fact, a Russian asset.

“CNN said I was a Russian asset. That’s ridiculous. Anyway, to solve the problem in the Middle East I would do exactly what Putin wants.” -Tulsi Gabbard. #DemDebate

— Boo-jamin Screamin’ (@BenjaminJS) October 16, 2019

*when Tulsi Gabbard mentions people are calling her a Russian asset then proceeds to do absolutely nothing but reinforce the fact that she’s a fuckin Russian asset* #DemDebate pic.twitter.com/osbovF6JIG

— Cyrus McQueen (@CyrusMMcQueen) October 16, 2019

Actual propaganda that Tulsi is parroting, in between denying she’s not a Russian asset. https://t.co/gjZPXGT99S

— Jill Filipovic (@JillFilipovic) October 16, 2019

Tulsi: I am not a Russian asset Erryone else: pic.twitter.com/KQkfSi9caD

— Kevin (@kevinlizon) October 16, 2019

Beto is Cousin Greg from ‘Succession’

Maybe it was the fact that the Succession finale aired just two nights earlier. Maybe it was Beto O’Rourke’s apparent height advantage at certain moments during the debate. For whatever reason, a lot of people made the connection between the candidate and Nicholas Braun’s eternally put-upon beanpole from the show.

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Because my brain is completely broken, I am getting some strong Cousin Greg vibes off of Beto tonight

— Kate Aronoff (@KateAronoff) September 5, 2019

beto bringing that big cousin greg energy tonight

— The chud from C.H.U.D. (@maggieserota) September 13, 2019

I’m getting this weird vibe like Beto and Cousin Greg might be members of the same family.

— Kim Masters (@kimmasters) October 16, 2019

pic.twitter.com/LBiNN2mgHc

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) October 16, 2019

Klobuchar’s “Is this thing on?” moment

Amy Klobuchar dropped a number of zingers that didn’t exactly kill in the way that Warren’s Equality Town Hall joke did last week, and they were received accordingly online as well.

You better believe I added a laugh track to Amy Klobuchar’s joke pic.twitter.com/LM6xCiYrJl

— Keith Deadwards ???? (@keithedwards) October 16, 2019

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Me whenever Klobuchar tries to make a joke #DemocraticDebate pic.twitter.com/MjKKiF0DNq

— ☆ʞɯ️☆ (@_monster_kid) October 16, 2019

**LEAKED FOOTAGE OF AMY KLOBUCHAR PREPARING JOKES FOR THE DEM DEBATES** pic.twitter.com/RfMnTbUrd2

— Yamasc ???????? (@MilkmanNick) October 16, 2019

Straining so hard trying to turn Klobuchar’s bad jokes into a Joker thing I give myself Joe Biden brain.

— luke (@lukeoneil47) October 16, 2019

Biden’s gaffes tend to multiply ‘expodentially’

Because Joe Biden can’t seem to talk without saying at least one thing that makes his aides reach for Prilosec, at one point during the debate, the word “expodentially” was born.

I have never opened twitter faster than when Biden said expodentially

— ⛓ellen⛓ (@_culver_) October 16, 2019

Expodentially? #DemDebate pic.twitter.com/p4wkQeWHPI

— Mericam (@Mericam49) October 16, 2019

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this is expodentially my favorite debate by far

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 16, 2019

Buttigieg vs Beto

When sparring broke out between Pete Buttigieg and Beto O’Rourke, a lot of onlookers realized they had some trouble telling the difference between these two similarly second-tier candidates.

Pete telling Beto he doesn’t have enough of a plan. #DemDebate pic.twitter.com/wtWCCV6TI1

— Leslie Mac (@LeslieMac) October 16, 2019

Each time Beto and Pete turn in full profile to debate about a point they both agree on, it is the praxis version of Spiderman Pointing At Spiderman Dot Gif.

— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) October 16, 2019

Beto vs Mayor Pete is like watching an anime fight scene between two background characters. #DemDebate

— Chris Ray Goblin (@ChrisRGun) October 16, 2019

Beto O’Rourke / Pete Buttigieg (CNN Debate, 2019 colorized)#DemDebate #DemocraticDebate #Futurama #TheyAreClones pic.twitter.com/XoAK0CDtb3

— Blaise Mikkelsen (@wittywebhandle) October 16, 2019

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The unlikely friend most likely

Ever since the Democratic debates began, viewers have been begging for more questions on substantive issues like climate change. So it was rather typical when the CNN/New York Times debate ended with a question about . . . last week’s Ellen DeGeneres mishegas. Moderator Anderson Cooper asked all the candidates who their most “unlikely friend” might be, and a lot of viewers—including whoever does Sam Bee’s social media—were clamoring for one pairing in particular.

Biden’s unlikely friend gonna be Corn Pop

— John Toohey (@J2tellem) October 16, 2019

CNN Anchor: Tell us about an unlikely friend you have.

Biden: Cornpop.#DemDebate

— Full Frontal (@FullFrontalSamB) October 16, 2019

I feel let down that @JoeBiden ‘a unlikely friend wasn’t Corn Pop. pic.twitter.com/Nst7mOrlXN

— Crypt Keeper 2020 (JDB) (@jdborneman) October 16, 2019

CNN: who is your most unlikely friend?

Joe Biden: CORN POP!#DemocraticDebate

— bela lugosi’s beth (@bourgeoisalien) October 16, 2019

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Bài viết 9 funny memes from fourth Democratic debate – Fast Company đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/funny-memes/9-funny-memes-from-fourth-democratic-debate-fast-company/

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10th June 2018 (Kanye West Edition)

There are a lot, and I mean, a LOT of new arrivals this week – seven, in fact – so I apologise for the long read ahead. I will try and keep it brief.

Top 10

No, our number-one has not changed. It is still “One Kiss” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa, keeping steady at its eighth week, whilst barely getting into the top 40 in the States? That’s odd.

Talking about artists without much US success, we have Jess Glynne up three spaces to number-two with the borderline-yodelling track “I’ll be There”.

“2002” by Anne-Marie is a non-mover at number-three, for some ungodly reason.

Sadly, “Nice for What” by Drake is down two spaces to number-four, but there’s no doubt that he’ll rebound once the album comes.

Also dropping (a single space, this time) is “No Tears Left to Cry” by Ariana Grande, now at number-five. I don’t think this will last long enough to get a number-one once the album drops, but we’ll see once that time comes.

The beautifully strange “Solo” by Clean Bandit featuring Demi Lovato is now up four spots to number-six.

“Better Now” by Post Malone is up two spots to number-seven... somehow.

I assume George Ezra’s pushing a new single, as at number-eight, up 12 spaces from last week, is “Shotgun”, from his newest album.

That sadly pushes down “Flames” by David Guetta and Sia by a spot, now at number-nine.

And, to round off the top 10, we have the highest-charting Kanye West debut of the three that UK chart regulations allow, with “Yikes” from the album ye. This won’t last in the top 20 but it’s good to see it here regardless.

Climbers

While there are seemingly thousands of new arrivals, the gains are pretty slow. Other than “Shotgun”, we have a 15-space jump for “Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker, now at #16. Thanks, advert?

Fallers

The fallers, however, are definitely a bit of a different story. We have six-position tanks for “Paradise” by George Ezra to #12, “Love Lies” by Khalid and Normani to #20 and “Never Enough” by Loren Allred to #38, as well as seven-space falls for “Bad Vibe” by M.O., Mr. Eazi and Lotto Boyzz to #25 and “First Time” by M-22 featuring Medina to #31 and 10-spot leaps of faith for “This is America” by Childish Gambino featuring Young Thug to #27, “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Dan Caplen and Macklemore to #35, and “Praise the Lord (Da Shine)” by A$AP Rocky featuring Skepta down to #39. There are a few miscellaneous songs that took hits too, like “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes down nine spots to #21 and “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble down five spaces to #26, but the real stories here are the losses for two songs: “Freaky Friday” by Lil Dicky featuring Chris Brown and “Answerphone” by Banx & Ranx and Ella Eyre featuring Yxng Bane, taking 13- and 26-space punches to the gut respectively, now consecutively laying at #32 and #33. I’m happy that Lil Dicky has collapsed, but it’s a shame about “Answerphone” – that song was growing on me by the second.

Dropouts and Returning Entries

That last section was the longest it’s ever been so far – it was an absolute massacre, and the same could probably be said for the drop outs, where Drake has some pre-album losses, including “God’s Plan” from #35, “I’m Upset” from #37 and his feature on BlocBoy JB’s “Look Alive” from #40. We also have “Vroom” by Yxng Bane out from #34, “Friends” by Marshmello and Anne-Marie out from #30, as well as “Like I Do” by David Guetta, Martin Garrix and Brooks from #38. Nothing particularly sad here, especially since Drake will rebound, but I hope “Friends” comes back – that was a decent track.

As for returning entries, well, there’s none at all – thank God, there’s a lot of new arrivals to deal with anyway.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “Youngblood” – 5 Seconds of Summer

So, this is surprisingly the second single from 5SOS I’ve reviewed on this channel, and once again, I have no real opinion on it. We have some weak fake-snaps and an ugly synth-noise of a sub-bass in the first (and second) verse, where members of the boy band sing pretty boringly – they’re in tune, but their performances aren’t any interesting... but then the chorus comes in, where the bassline gets more prominent and we get some simple but absolutely killer pounding drumming, as well as some more of a guitar presence, setting up a clean slate for the subtle EDM-influenced synths and (someone who I’m pretty sure is named) Luke to sing pretty powerfully over the hook, with both a catchy chorus and bridge, that seems so out of place compared to the rest of the song, both in terms of mood and quality. Overall, despite a funky hook and the final chorus being pretty great, this clumsy amalgamation of pop, rock, funk, dance and whatever the hell doesn’t work for me, especially in the verses.

#28 – “Girls Like You” – Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B

The only real reason this debuted in the top 40 is because of its star-studded video, featuring female stars from Sarah Silverman, Ellen DeGeneres, Camila Cabello and more, as well as the fact that Cardi’s a pretty cheat-code feature on any pop song right now in terms of traction-garnering. It should be noted that this is actually a remix of a song that originally featured on their album, Red Pill Blues, from last year.

Okay, I’m going to come clean: I love Maroon 5. They know how to write a hook, a funky bassline and a catchy riff or two, hence most of their hits really work for me, especially when the production is polished and Adam doesn’t go into too unbearable territory with his falsetto. They have a unique poppy charm that always keeps me coming back after they release something new, even if it is lazy trend-hopping. How does this fare? Well, it starts with some pretty all-over-the-place acoustic guitar strumming, before it is drowned out by the synths and the finger-snaps, yet Adam really rides on the minimalistic beat in the verse and the hook, with a sweet melody that translates well when the bass drops and we get a simple trap-pop song that uses its instrumental (or lack thereof) to an advantage of making quite a relaxed song, perfect for Adam’s lower register but not perfect at all for Cardi, known for more hype trap-rap tracks... so how is she? Well, after the Blank Banshee-esque Vocaloid drop in the bridge and Adam’s pretty great middle-eight, she kills it. Yeah, of course, she does, do you expect her to not destroy whatever she touches? Man, I’m pretty sure that this is right up my alley and succeeds by catering to my every need. In fact, this is borderline pandering to my specific desires in good pop music. This is great but, I mean, it’s a Maroon 5 song featuring Cardi B, so of course, it is.

#24 – “Butterflies” – AJ Tracey featuring Not3s

Oh, we back to the watered-down dancehall trash we get every week? I mean, okay? AJ Tracey has an okay flow but really, he’s not doing anything different than any other “grime” MC right now, other than saying that the woman’s anatomy is both like a pumpkin and the English channel. Okay, AJ, maybe she won’t “spread it” for you if you say that again. The chorus seems pretty directionless as well, it’s half about the girl but also goes into random tangents about how he’s so “fly”. Not3s is much better, though, for no particular reason other than the production on his verse has some distorted blaring synths that contrast his smooth, low-key vocals pretty damn well. Otherwise, I mean, it’s autotuned tropical-rap stuff we get every single week on this show, and to say I’m sick of it is a damn understatement. Gladly, the next four songs get rid of every British pop music cliché by throwing them out the freaking window, and hopefully, being of quality... right?

#22 – “Give Yourself a Try” – The 1975

...Wrong. Very wrong. First of all, I’m pretty sure this song is about getting woker as you age. I don’t know, something about the pretentious, borderline-nonsensical verses here just give off that vibe – talking about vibes, the singer here also mentions how getting STDs at 27 really is NOT the vibe, and throws in a few “big words” in there that I’m sure the singer is very impressed with and thinks he’s very intellectual for, when all the really do is interrupt the flow of the song. “The only apparatus required for happiness is your pain and f***ing going outside”. Okay, honey. He also says that he’s the millennial that baby-boomers like... okay, Matthew Healy, what are you trying to prove here? All he does in this song is complain and complain about the young ‘uns as a very old fellow aged... 29? Wait, hold on, are you sure this song isn’t called r/lewronggeneration? It sure feels like it’s ripped straight from a post that ends up on there. Ooh, but the song? Yeah, it’s okay instrumentally. It’s got a decent noisy appeal, with the screeching guitar and lo-fi aesthetic, but that really doesn’t work with Healy’s neatly-produced (albeit rather nasal) vocals here that remind me of a pop-punk singer who stopped trying midway through. By the three minutes the song goes on, the constant guitar loop gets tiring, exhausting and somewhat infuriating, as it never changes a single bit for the most part, even when you have some more hard-hitting drums and some clicking from a seemingly unknown source. Really, the lyrics kind of ruin this one for me – it could have been decent, but, man, they really messed this one up in the vocal, lyrical and generally thematic department. Yikes.

#17 – “Ghost Town” – Kanye West featuring PARTYNEXTDOOR, Kid Cudi and 070 Shake

Finally, we get to talk about the three most popular tracks from Kanye’s latest album, ye, and what makes them either fantastic or hilarious. This is pretty magically both, featuring uncredited vocal contributions from Kanye’s long-time friend and fellow-ghost-sighting-child Kid Cudi and new GOOD Music signee 070 Shake, as well as a feature from OVO member PARTYNEXTDOOR, present despite the recent beef that Pusha T, Kanye’s protégé of sorts, and OVO manager, Drake, which I won’t get into right now, because nothing charted from it other than that trash “I’m Upset” song last week. If you want to know Kanye’s comments on the beef, they’re right there on the same album’s track “No Mistakes”. Right now, however, we’re focusing on this breathtakingly dazzling track, “Ghost Town”, the penultimate song on the 23-minute, seven-song record. We start with a short Shirley Ann Lee sample, where she soulfully sings as a prologue to PARTYNEXTDOOR’s greatly-sung intro verse, with some of Kanye’s most soulful production since The College Dropout, and an absolutely killer guitar that fits PARTYNEXTDOOR’s rapid-fire delivery surprisingly well, but as always, it fits Kid Cudi’s slow blues-influenced drawl even better, who handles the interpolated chorus right before Kanye sings (without autotune!) for his short verse, where he sounds just as good as he did on “Runaway”, if not better, with discussion of not only his bipolar disorder, but his public appearance and persona, the lethal drug Fentanyl, Ye’s controversial past, his opioid addiction, and Einstein’s theory of special relativity in only barely even eight bars, before Cudi comes in to croon desperately over a minimalistic, stripped-down version of the beat before 070 Shake’s outro, with some poetic lyricism and the best guest performance I’ve heard on a Ye track since Chance on The Life of Pablo or even Nicki Minaj on My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – truly, it is the females who kill their features on Ye’s records, even if they are few and far between. The anthemic lines such as “I put my hand on the stove to see if I still bleed / and nothing hurts anymore, I feel kinda free” being sung beautifully over borderline sound collage-level instrumentation, with 8-bit noises, distorted guitar samples and the rattling percussion, are an emotional rollercoaster. This is a masterpiece, and the fact that its sequel on Kanye’s second album of 2017, KIDS SEE GHOSTS, might be even better, just shows how much of a genius Kanye can be with the right sample and the right feature... well...

#11 – “All Mine” – Kanye West featuring Ant Clemons and Ty Dolla $ign

...and also maybe Jeremih and Valee. The credits on this album are a mess.

This song is hilarious and uncomfortable. It starts with a cheap flute sound, before the booming trap percussion comes in for Ant Clemons’ hilarious catchy falsetto melody in the hook, where he says that the girl is “supermodel thick”, while forcing a rhyme (pretty impressively) for “medulla oblongata”, before he states how he wants the girl to rub on his lamp and get the genie out the bottle. Just lovely. Oh, yeah, Ty Dolla $ign has like half a verse here, and he’s basically a non-presence. I love the guy’s voice but he does nothing here of importance. The fact that it’s a skittering trap sex jam with pretty dull production makes Kanye sort of out of his element, as he flows clumsily, while he closes his first verse with mentioning how he loves his girl’s breasts because they let him focus on two things at once. Over distorted clips of (presumably) vocals or synths, he memes his own song by claiming that he’s going to hit it raw (“like f*** the outcome”) and that “none of us would be here without cum”. Beautiful, Kanye. Just beautiful.

#10 – “Yikes” – Kanye West

Okay, now, this is a banger. With the autotuned (but still incredibly catchy) hook being as fun to sing as it is menacing and kind of creepy, this song perfectly represents the bipolar disorder Kanye talks about throughout the album. There’s the female vocal sample in the otherwise upbeat trap beat, as well as a deep synth acting as a bass in the hook to make it feel even darker, to help Kanye spit his bars intensely, but these aren’t exactly fire punchlines as they are kind of sad. “Is he gon’ make it? TBD”, he asks, noting his uncertainty in how he’ll survive due to his addiction, and how he’s “tweaking” off all these lethal drugs, with news sites reporting that he lost his mind. When he feels high, he won’t come down, but due to his bipolar disorder, he can quickly snap, and in the second verse, he demonstrates primal activity and pretty funny over-the-top bragging, rapping that his hospital band is a hundred bands, and that he doesn’t need a watch, and that he can smoke with Wiz Khalifa in North Korea and tell Kim that he’s never seen her – yes, this is all over the place and I love it for that. It’s crazy... kind of like him. This proves that Kanye’s still got some hilarious lines up his belt, and as always, the outdated pop culture references that we know and love him for.

Conclusion

Jesus Christ, this was long. Anyway, Worst of the Week is going to “Give Yourself a Try” by The 1975, with Dishonourable Mention not being served this week (although it could easily go to “Butterflies”). No, instead, we have a tied Honourable Mention, which both Maroon 5 and Kanye West pick up, for “Girls Like You” featuring Cardi B and “Yikes”, respectively. The Best of the Week should be obvious – it’s going to Kanye, PARTYNEXTDOOR, 070 Shake and Kid Cudi for “Ghost Town”, one of the best songs I think has ever charted since I started this series. See you next time, where Kanye will probably be replaced with more Kanye.