#she helped me process some of my earliest childhood trauma

[eclipse15]

about programming, if i may ask, is it realistic for a group of teenagers to program a young child (toddlerhood onwards)? tw for some abuse details (only relevant to the question) and some detail into what i experience (to give you more info if it helps you be able to answer the question)

the only abuser that i can vividly remember abusing me in a way that seemed line they were at least trying to program me, was my older sister (10 years older). my earliest memory is from when she would’ve been around 14-15, but i know she was abusing me long before that. i am vaguely aware that her other teenage friends (some older, but i’m pretty sure they were all teenagers) were involved sometimes and that they were a group of very Edgy people. i remember her saying horrible things would happen to me, and i know from other family members who would catch her that she would show me horrible things (videos and movies) but i do not remember her showing me those things.

the post about types of programming kinda smacked me in the face. i scramble, i shut down, i do some of the other things listed but my brain is really not cooperating right now so i can’t remember which ones without closing the askbox and going back to look. i also experience my mind showing me vivid horrible images that are can not possibly be real (think horror movie stuff and monsters) whenever i try to either dig into locked memories or speak out about uncovered memories. it is extremely distressing and when it happens i do genuinely believe that these bad things are going to happen to me or the monsters shown in the images are going to come for me, it is terrifying and when it happens i know that the trauma i’m not allowed to remember/talk about is from her and her friends. it’s like i completely regress to that completely vulnerable malleable controlled child.

this happens to different degrees depending on what i talk about and with what detail. i can vaguely hint at abuse that i remember and only experience it to a somewhat manageable degree, but anything more and i get put in this terrified, complicate, regressed state.

i can’t tell if this is programming, or if this is just a normal trauma response. i am professionally diagnosed with PTSD (have been since childhood) and i am definitely part of a system, but i am not professionally diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, which is why i think it might just be a normal trauma response, but again, it really felt like that programming post resonated with me. i have trouble believing that a teenager would know how to program someone though , which is also part of my struggle to understand this.

TW: BRIEF PROGRAMMING TALK AND MENTION OF CSA AND EA

You said she abused you from an extremely young age along with her friends. There’s something I want to introduce to you, as well as the general system community, and that’s pre-lingual trauma. It means there’s a trauma that happened before you had the language to describe and comprehend it, so you simply don’t. You can’t.

This doesn’t just apply to before you can talk. It applies to things like CSA before knowing about private parts, or emotional abuse before you know how to process and comprehend your emotions because you don’t have the vocabulary. There’s also something called body memories, where your body remembers something you don’t and reacts physically when triggered.

These sound familiar? That’s because scramble and shutdown are very similar. “How do you tell the difference?” Well, for scramble, there’s one thing that sets it apart. With scramble, you could previously comprehend what was happening to you. Whether it be in the moment or whenever the program isn’t triggered, you can understand. It’s only when the program is triggered that you can’t.

With shutdown, it’s a bit similar. Shutdown is triggered when you try and speak out and then only (don’t tell us the same way). With a PTSD shutdown, it’s triggered just like a PTSD panic attack is triggered; triggers. Banging, stomping, yelling, etc.

I’m saying all this because what you are describing sounds like an extreme PTSD response, something you see in C-PTSD and pre-lingual trauma victims. I also simply don’t think it’s realistic for teenagers to enact programming by themselves. I’m not saying you couldn’t have programming trauma, it’s possible, but it would probably be from other people who are adults.

I’d look into pre-lingual trauma and C-PTSD responses to start before you look into programming stuff, if you want to look into those at all. Thats all for this post, I hope it helped!

#⭐️ #did alter #did osdd #osddid #c ptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd #pre lingual trauma #hc did #polyfragmented #polyfrag #polyfrag system #actually mentally ill #endos dni

[dissociationawareness]

TW: CSA/SA & Suicide... Lots of talk about sex, masturbation, orgasms... cus someone has to say this and I have NOTHING to lose. You can hate me, I don't care because I will never see it... but know that your judgment can hurt survivors that are afraid to say it. I KNOW I'm not the only one. None of us are totally alone with ANYTHING. There's always another person who understands. Please know that. You are not alone, you are not bad... it's ok that you think/fantasize about things that are taboo. I hope that you will see this and know for sure that you're not alone and it doesn't make you a bad person. You are not filthy. You have not been ruined for finding a way to cope, or because you experience this. --- kinks are super common and victimhood kinks are so fucking common it's ridiculous.... we're all just scared of being judged.

There's no need to out yourself. This is simply, hopefully, to help people understand... and to let you see someone say it publicly so you can simply know that it doesn't make you bad and that there are other people going through this shit, feeling ashamed of it, wishing they could not be like this... or whatever other negative things this may make you feel. YOU ARE OK. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HARMED. YOU ARE NOT A PREDATOR. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. WE ALL DEAL WITH SEXUAL TRAUMA IN DIFFERENT WAYS AND THAT'S OK... just some people have been so PROGRAMMED that they can't see they're wrong. Don't bother yourself with them - they don't understand and never will because they never found this as a way to cope... Which I cannot stress enough: IT'S EXTREMELY COMMON. My therapist has echoed how common this is amongst survivors and it has literally no connection to being an abuser. Sometimes brains do weird shit, especially for kids who have limited ability to cope and process things like sexual abuse that they literally cannot understand.

I'm so sorry.

I came back just to leave.

I owe you an explanation, maybe?

It shocks me that they're not saving me...

maybe they feel like I do.

Oliver keeps showing up and he's so sad... like the trauma from the gynecologist who hurt us brought the trauma of childhood rushing back. We haven't been hurt like that by a woman since we were his age (3).

I think we're too broken. Indeed, we can't be saved.

If you want the long explanation... I'd like to direct you to ghostsneverleave which is our main account.

I just need people to understand that we're not ignoring them should they send in an ask (I mean no one has, so I'm probably just being an asshole).

Don't we all want to tell our stories? Maybe I just want people to really recognize that women commit CSA and on "girls" (ie folks with vaginas) too.

And since I won't be here to deal with the backslash... and since I've taken to bring brave and saying controversial things to try to make people understand that a lot of folks are making assumptions about kink shit (and genuinely, fuck the kink community for being full of covert abusers and bigots --- genuinely, if you really want to do weird shit with people who actually consent and want to try it then good on you and I support you, no kink shaming here even if I don't like the kink... just bad people ruin it by using kink as a cover for abuse)...

As I said before, I was into kink as a literal child. The earliest I remember was probably around 3-4th grade... definitely 10yo. I have never been able to climax without thinking about non-con. I once had someone try to tell me I'm a pedo because some folks in the system like loli (drawn porn depicting what might as well be kids - though there are LITERAL adults who look like that --- if you are not triggered by this shit, look up "Kitty Jung" who is an actress who did porn for a short period of time, she started porn (I think?) at 21 but I think her last films made her pretty uncomfortable and she quit (good for her)). I have seen literal child porn once on a website and it was EXTREMELY triggering and I reported it directly to the FBI and never went back to that website. I reported a pedo once and broke about it (post about it earlier).

I am NOT a pedo... but I found sexuality through assault and I CANNOT separate that from sexuality in my brain. I have been assaulted multiple times as a child, teen, and an abusive marriage as an adult.

I try to be understanding, and I recognize sexuality isn't necessarily a thing people have any control over (if it was, I'd have sexual attraction to any of my many suitors). HOWEVER, pedophilia is inherently predatory and while I'm totally ok with people consuming FICTIONAL content that depicts that... I'd love to put a bullet into anyone's head who abuses kids.

I could be much MUCH healthier in the head of adults didn't abuse me as a child. I think even the assaults as a teen would have been easier if it didn't trigger all the shit from our childhood.

I once tried to talk about it but my problem is that I consume drawn content like that because it's still what my brain defaults to to climax... specifically being a victim.

I fucking hate it. I think about it when my husband and I have sex or else I literally can't. I get off on powerlessness because it's how I understood that as a child. I remember doing things to my body that a child who was never abused wouldn't ever think to do. I remember being into this at a very young age. It disgusted my mother because I became hypersexual (which is so ironic because I'm also sex-repulsed depending on how safe and triggered I feel).

I want people to understand that survivors consume this content. I want people to understand that abused kids do indeed fantasize about this shit.

It IS NOT because people want to be hurt like that - that's a common misunderstanding. It's NOT because people are pedophiles - survivors who deal with this often are so ashamed that they're driven to self-harm and suicide over it (I'm not even remotely the only one that's hurt themselves during or after because they're so ashamed that there can't experience physical pleasure without thinking about fucked up shit, possibly LITERALLY things they've been through and wish never happened... I've had little IRL convos with close friends who admitted they've gone to kink that mirrors their traumas... none of us really seem to get exactly why we do it, and pretty much all of us hide it from folks unless someone is brave enough to say it (and I admitted to fucked up kinks while drunk, which is what led me to finding out two friends had traumas that led to kinks because abuse fucked up their brains in exactly this way).

The thing is that the parts of the brain that process pleasure and fear are literally right up next to each other and this is probably why this shit happens.

I have never and will never be attracted to kids. The closest I've come to sexual attraction is my husband... and I've genuinely wanted to have sex with him ONCE... the rest of our sex life was about bonding but having a skin condition ruined that because the pain is so fucking triggering in the worst way.

I wish I could erase it... but I cannot remember a time that I didn't have a non-con kink.

I tried once to masturbate to the idea of consensual sex (literally, once... cus I realized it's totally fucked that victimhood is the only thing I can orgasm to - I think because sexual stuff is so shameful in my brain that non-con allows me to give in... but I've NEVER genuinely enjoyed being assaulted... it's so different doing consensual kink and actually being raped!)... and I had a total meltdown afterwards. And I never did again because ashamed (I guess) is better than crying for an hour?

Like... That sounds completely ridiculous to me and I don't even get it... I just know it is what it is.

Hate me all you want. By the time this posts, I am no longer here so you're words won't hurt me. Your judgment is doesn't matter.

You can make the choice to refuse to understand that some folks are like this and are neither pedophiles nor predators, that victimhood is a legitimate kink that's largely experienced by people who have been victims...

If you just want to hurt people thinking it will heal you... whatever... but it won't heal you. Hurting people and attacking people doesn't create healing... processing the shit and accepting that you're not bad because bad shit happened or because you cope in ways that are kinda fucked up is what creates healing.

We all need to love ourselves. We all need to know that if we aren't harming people (inc ourselves) whatever we do to heal is ok. Brains are weird and not all of how we cope and process is going to be something people are actually ok with... but they don't have to be.

It's about your healing. It absolutely is not about what other people think about it.

If you harm no one, you are fine. Sometimes we can even convince ourselves that we did when we didn't really, or we didn't do anything that actually scars someone (love opens us up to pain, you can't have one without the other --- we can do our best to not hurt anyone but everyone has feelings and none of us are perfect or pure --- what you do in private or in your head that literally involves no real, living person harms no one - YOU ARE OK, IT'S OK TO EXIST, IT'S OK TO COPE, IT'S OK TO FANTASIZE... THOUGHT CRIMES AREN'T REAL).

But whatever to the folks who just want an "enemy' they can hurt hoping it will heal them and give them back their power. You won't find that in hurting people who haven't hurt anyone and indeed are already hurting for the same reason you are.

All you'll find is more hurt.

We all need to try to understand each other more.

Trauma does weird shit to our brains and we are not bad for it, especially those of us who have been doing it since we were kids because the child brain simply couldn't find another way to cope.

Those who are ashamed and suffering because this is all they knew and as teens and adults couldn't erase it... I wish I could just hug you and tell you that you're ok.

I know it hurts so bad. I know that at times you think you're just as bad as the people who hurt you... like they poisoned you, like it's contagious and you're bad and going to make people worse. I know you suffer for it. I know you wish you could erase it. I know you are scared shitless because you can't.

But you are ok. You've done nothing wrong. You ARE NOT your abusers. You are just another person trying to survive through the shit that hurt you. Some folks might disagree but those of us who are in that pit with you, dealing with it like you are, hiding it like you are... we know that you are just another survivor that had no idea how else to cope and that it's exactly the opposite of willful.

You didn't hurt anyone. You are worthy of love, live, health, happiness, and respect.

The haters are just ignorant and desperately clutching their ignorance (ie they're bigots, cus that's literally what bigotry is - holding onto ignorance regardless of data to the contrary).

The only people who should be ashamed are the people who hurt you.

[gay-doodlebug-with-adhd916]

nobody:

my seventeen year old self not knowing how to tell my youth pastor in her thirties who’s heard about most of the stuff I’ve gone through and been there for me, protected me, and cried with me that I see her as more of a mother figure than my actual mother:

#i wish i was kidding #but i’m not #yall how do you tell a person who’s prolly not old enough to be your mother #that you see her like a mother #cause your bio parents didn’t protect you and didn’t care to protect you #you didn’t have a “mama bear” #but SHE was #she also already has kids of her own #she helped me process some of my earliest childhood trauma #she’s one of the first adults I’ve felt comfortable around #she’s one of those few adults who have treated me with respect and never violated me #sometimes I like to imagine how my life would’ve been different if she knew my 5yo self #like idk maybe she would’ve protected me #she told me I’m brave and like #I cried a lot #she’s the first adult I came out to and she gave me so much acceptance and love #she told our youth group during a sermon that God is using me to cleanse the church #of its homophobic tendencies #I also cried then #I’ve been crying a lot lately #but yeah #I could imagine her at my graduation #yk? #lowkey I wanna tell her this but I can’t figure out a way to tell her this without it being weird

[wizkiddx]

worst case scenario part 3

umm so, never ever intended it to be this long but here we are. again this is v dark so please please read the warning!! also [and obvs] this is very medically inaccurate and just a work of my head aha

[part 1] [part 2]

warning: mentions of death / hospital / mentions of childhood abandonment too- please don't read if this could affect you <3

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His heart was thundering in his chest, so much so it drowned out all other sounds making all the doctors words fade into the background. Conciously, he really was trying to listen to what the doctor was saying; consciously he knew she was trying to prepare him to see Y/n; consciously he knew she knew he wasn’t okay. But really? It didn’t matter, and as they drew closer to his fiancé Tom felt an urgent sense of relief purely know she was there. She was there and she wasn’t dead…yet. 

Only two people were allowed to go up, just because the nature of the ward - everything was meticulously controlled, including the comings and goings of visitors. If you’ve never been in an ICU it’s a pretty hard environment to describe. Really, it’s just another hospital ward, with capacity of about 20 beds. Each bed has much more equipment surrounding that the average and a nurse is stationed per patient, monitoring every possible variable that the machienes are measuring, so any trend (either positive or negative) can be identified at the earliest point. Though in everyones head, it seems as though ICU is a common place ending up for some unfortunate sod when something bad happens, it’s actually really rare for someone to be so ill and dependant on medicine to maintain normal body functioning. Only the most severe trauma, infection of the most dangerous microorganism, surgery of such high stakes normally make an appearance on the ward. And ,on average, between 8-20% patients that are admitted to an ICU never make it out. 

And those grim figures were unignorable to anyone. As soon as you walk through the doors, the atmosphere is intense and ineffable. It’s not spoken, but is so incredibly morbid it makes anyone shiver. 

Dom felt this, squeezing his sons shoulder as he followed Tom and the doctor, just a pace or so behind them. Having offered to go with Tom, whilst Harrison took Nikki to see the baby, Dom was now feeling just as clueless as his son did. Except he was actually listening to what the doctor was trying to warn them about and it scared him. The three, made it to the door and with a swipe of her ID card the doctor admitted the Holland men in. Gratefully, none of the staff took any notice of who was walking in, they were much too busy for that - Dom was incredibly relieved, had someone recognised Tom when he was in this state, god knows what would’ve happened.

The doctors pace was with purpose, perhaps so that the two couldn’t spend too long ogling the other patients in the beds - who all looked almost unhuman with the amount of tubes and wires coming out and into them. But then, she slowed up, halting infront of a bay about 5 or 6 down the ward. Spinning on her heel and with a subtle nod to momentarily release the nurse from her post at Y/n’s bedside, to give them a bit of privacy, she looked at the two men. 

“You can touch her, just be gentle with the wires.”

Shellshocked and terrified, Tom was frozen those 2 metres away from the bed barely able to see her face over all the equipment. Yet undoubtedly, it was his finance’s delicate visage lying on the white pillow, with a thick white mouthpiece and tube covering her mouth and stuffed into her nose. Not able to move, both Dom and Dr Goodwell sensitively waited - it was an adjustment to say the least, seeing someone you knew so well look so different. With quiet tears starting to roll down his eyes, Tom eventually started to inch toward the bedside, taking his time to try and absorb everything of this frankly ridiculous situation. He couldn’t get over how, even considering it all, above her nose it just looked like Y/n. Like she was asleep in their bed, eyes closed as if she had once again  fallen asleep infront of a random Netflix movie Tom had bugged her enough to watch in bed. And it was, ever so slightly comforting. That was still her, that was still the love of his life lying there. And she was still alive - which given the last few hours, was enough. 

Reaching the bedside, Tom naturally reached out and stroked the top of her head delicately, pulling into place a few rogue strands that seemed to have a mind of their own - she had always hated when her hair got frizzy. The picture had Tom’s mind casting back to their first holiday, a serene if quick few days in Fiji-  though Y/n didnt know this , that holiday had been one of the most important times in their relationship for Tom. Until then, given the nature of his job, the couple had only ever managed brief periods together. They spent time together as and when they could in between Tom’s busy schedule but it was never as long as they’d like. Somehow though, he’d managed to squeeze a few days away to surprise Y/n with the trip. 

It was everything he’d ever hoped it would be and more. In fact it was then Tom was oh so sure he would be spending the rest of his life with her. This thought crossed his mind on the last morning, when he had for once woken up before Y/n - her head mere cms away from his on the pillow. Just like now, her hair had been all over the place and her sparkling green eyes locked shut. Contrastingly though, in Fiji the sight had made him smile softly; now it just made him cry again. 

“Would you like a minute alone Mr Holland? We will just wait outside?” Not even turning round to properly respond to the doctor, Tom just nodded violently, not taking his eyes off his fiancé - waiting till he heard his Dad and the doctor leave the bay; then the curtains be completely drawn to a close, before he shakily cleared his throat to whisper.

“Hey darling… you um-you’ve scared me shitless today… and… and I’m supposed to be the dramatic one in the relationship.” Chuckling wetly, Tom clasped his other hand in Y/n’s - still mindful of the IV port coming out of the top of her wrist. Not that he was expecting any sort of response, yet the lack of her squeezing his hand back still had his heart sink. “Look I…I love you so bloody much and I really need you to get better okay? You’ve never listened to me before but I really am begging you to now, I just.” Swallowing thickly, he shut his eyes momentarily and delicately rested his forehead on hers - his touch feather light. Just needing to feel her. “I just really need you and I really love you., okay?” 

Unsurprisingly he didn’t get a response. The rhetorical question hung in the air alone, safe the mechanical whir of the ventilator and various chimes of the machines and monitor, till his Dad came in. Grasping and squeezing his shoulder lightly, Dom provided the stimulus for his son to unfold from over the bed, standing upright, as both men just took in the sight of Y/n lying there for a minute or two. 

“I need her Dad. I-I-“

“I know Tom.” Speaking so quietly it was barely audible, Dom’s eventual agreement at what Tom was saying was in a way a relief. Haz and his mum had both either been saying or implying that they would be okay no matter what - which came from a good place but was so infuriating. Because god forbid, if this situation got worse Tom knew it wouldn’t be okay. Nothing would ever be okay again. So his Dad’s simple acknowledgment meant a lot, causing Tom to turn round and embrace his slightly shorter father. 

Dr Goodwell silently watched the exchange for a short while and once the men eventually pulled away she stepped forward to give some more information. She went through what all the biggest and scary looking tubes and wires were doing for Y/n, before explaining the next steps. 

“Now as I said before we are sedating her at the moment, while we wait and see if she gets any complications from the surgery that are better treated while she is asleep. By this afternoon we will have a clearer idea and by that point we may choose to withdraw that sedation. It’s important that you are aware though that she might not wakeup immediately. Sometimes some people that have suffered similarly to your fiancé will be unconscious for a while in what I’d presume you’ve heard of as a ‘coma’. Now it’s not as dramatic as you see on TV shows, it’s just Ms Y/l/n’s brain giving her body a chance to recover. It’s often a longer process, which I know is something you don’t want to hear, but I have to be honest.” The doctor was stern but in a softer and from-a-caring-place. “These patients are suggested to possibly recover quicker if they have a steady support network behind them, which it seems like she does. That means that you need to look after yourself so you can help her sir, especially in what could be a long process. It’s not going to be helpful for Yn if you’re killing yourself trying to be here all the time… It seems like Y/n already has quite a big group of you here for her, so please remember you’ve got all of her care team here and everyone else to help you too….Does that make sense sir?”

“Tom” His Dad, in a gentle but firm warning tone, urged Tom to speak and to listen. Properly listen. 

“Yeh… I-yeh It’s just all a lot right now.”

“Of course… and we promise that if anything changes with her condition, you will be phoned straight away. You are welcome to stay as long as you want - the only rules are two at a time, no flowers, sign in and out and then sanitise your hands pretty excessively. If you need anything, Ms Y/l/n’s nurse will be your first port of call.”

“Thanks for everything” Dom nodded in a gracious manner, which the doctor seemed to massively appreciate - apparently, for the job they do not receiving a hell of a lot of thanks. 

“I’ll pop back in a little bit.”

And for a couple of hours everything everything felt like a bit of an anticlimax, nothing happened, not a lot changed. Just Tom and Dom sat next to Y/n’s bed in silence; Harrison and Nikki downstairs with the baby, till Dom got a phone call from Nikki asking them to meet at the neonatal unit  - which was limited by visitor numbers unlike the ICU. Thinking it’d be simple, the elder man gained Tom’s attention with a call of his name, explaining they should go down to meet up. 

“I’m not going down there.”

“Son, I know you’re worried by Y/n isnt going anywhere right now. The doctors said they’d call you if anything happens.”

“It’s not-“ Tom stopped himself, biting his tongue and looking away from his Dad. “I just don’t want to go down there.” Slowly, Dom was more and more realising Tom’s thought process and honestly… it scared him. In the hopes this was just a big misunderstanding he offered a different option - hoping Tom would equally refuse that. Dom suggested going down to the cafe instead, which most unfortunately Tom agreed to. It wasn’t leaving Y/n that was the issue, it was being near the baby. 

Tom’s daughter. Unnamed and apparently abondoned by both parents. 

Anyhow, Dom resigned to playing into Tom’s choice, perhaps Nikki and Harrison would be able to swing him round, to see sense. It still took Tom getting the nurse to triple check they had his correct number on record , just in case, before Dom could tear him away from the bed. Fortunately the pair found a quiet and secluded corner table, where Tom was still yet to be recognised, while Nikki and Haz found them too. 

What followed was Tom answering all his mum and Harrison’s questions about Y/n’s condition, in a blunt and emotionless manner - without Tom returning fire by asking any questions at all about his beautiful little baby girl. Eventually Nikki braved it, someone had to bring it up. 

“Well it sounds like littles going to change for a while… maybe you should head home for a bit? You’ve been up half the night and you look shattered love. You don’t have to go back to yours… you could stay in your old room for a bit?” Tom being by himself at the moment sounded like the most incredibly stupid idea ever, Nikki was offering it as a choice - when in reality there was only one option.

“Maybe later this evening I will? Just don’t want to leave her alone yet.”

“It’s already 7 love, you’ve not eaten all day, you got to look after yourself too.” Harrison and Dom sat awkwardly while Nikki tried to delicately encourage Tom into what was the only sensible plan, watching him nurse the small hot choclate in both his palms. Time really had lost all meaning at this point, for him it felt both years since he’d first arrived with Y/n and at the same time barely 10 minutes ago. It felt weird. 

“We can take shifts? If-if you want someone with her I mean… I don’t mind staying for a bit longer if it means you head back to your parents.” Harrison really truly didnt mind, in fact he sort of wanted to. He wanted to see Y/n’s face definitely alive, wanted to feel reassured by the monitors. Shockingly, Tom slowly nodded his head, surprising everyone with his lack of argument. None of them could work out whether it was a good thing him not putting up much arguement ; either he was heeding everyones advice of taking care of himself - or he had just given up. Harrison, as much as he didn’t want to, was favouring the latter. 

“Okay” Nikki declared optimistically “So maybe you and Harrison go up so you can say good night to Y/n, then we can all go and pick up the baby?” She opened the plan to the floor, allowing for input but got nothing - except maybe Tom’s jaw unconsciously tensing uncomfortable at the latter part of her statement. Dom noticed. 

Not one noticed but knew what it meant. His son blamed his granddaughter. His son, right now in that moment, hated the unnamed and totally helpless baby girl. 

part 4?

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #dad!tom #tomholland #tom holland angst

[soft-sunflower]

Hyunsoo and Alexithymia vs ASPD

I wanted to make a post on my thoughts in regards to this... I feel like I need to get this off my chest, because this is just personally what I think. You don’t have to like or even agree with me. I just really want to talk about this. When we first meet Do Hyunsoo, we are lead to believe that he’s a psychopath, (we learn he’s actually not) that he was (wrongly) diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder when he was a very young child, without the therapist actually bothering to look into why Hyunsoo would be behaving the way he did. Such as the disappearance of his mother, for example, or even sent some kind of child protective services to his village to find out what’s going on there, have him on surveillance, something rather than just deciding he was going to turn out to be a terrible person.  Back in a previous episode, it was stated that Hyunsoo did not start behaving this way until after his mother went missing. We also know that Hyunsoo’s past was incredibly traumatic, without even really having the details of what happened. (Yet. Hopefully they touch on this. I don’t know.) We’ve recently learned that Hyunsoo has a very repressed memory of his childhood, why? His earliest memory was from when he was 10 years old? And he doesn’t even remember why he was wandering lost in a forest at such a young age? Why? What happened to him to make him forget? Usually a severe trauma is what takes place to make one have true repressed memories. I do not believe that Hyunsoo has ever once suffered from Antisocial Personality Disorder. At all. People with ASPD are also likened to sociopaths, psychopaths and serial killers, which is what his FATHER WAS. NOT him. The only thing Hyunsoo struggles with understanding, recognizing and feeling emotions in himself and in others. It’s why you see focus on his eyes and him reading and studying Jiwon’s expressions for example. He’s learning. He’s teaching himself, because nobody ever taught him this. He was never guided properly in regards to this. He was always told he is essentially a monster and when he grows up, he will be a manipulative and cruel monster.

Sociopaths/psychopaths are not too far off the spectrum in similarities. People with ASPD are normally classified as high functioning sociopaths. These people lack the ability to feel emotion. They lack the ability to understand it. They manipulate, twist, lie, trick, all for their own benefit and enjoy it. They don’t care who they hurt. They have little regard for anyone else, and they also normally are narcissists. Which we know Do Hyunsoo is the furthest thing from. He thinks far too little of himself to even go down that road. Alexithymia, an inability to identify and describe emotions. People with alexithymia have difficulties recognizing and communicating their own emotions, and they also struggle to recognize and respond to emotions in others. Alexthymia can develop from severe sustained trauma. I feel like Hyunsoo leans more toward suffering from alexthymia than being an actual psychopath/sociopath/having ASPD. I think the so-called whack job for a therapist diagnosed him VERY wrongly and inaccurately. She never bothered to find out why he was the way he was. So many adults failed him growing up. They made him believe he was a monster. They made him believe he’d grow up and continue being a monster. They made him believe that he was not able to process or feel any kinds of emotions, and yet he can. We’ve SEEN it. We just saw a complete outpouring of emotion from him in episode 11. I don’t see Hyunsoo as a psychopath/sociopath and never have.

1. His attack on Moojin- justified. Moojin stoned the ever living fuck out of him when he was a just a child. He was getting his revenge on him by messing with him and I’m glad he did, quite frankly. Has he actually done anything that terrible? 2. Faked grief- Of COURSE he did. His past is ready to come back and hunt him down because of freaking Moojin. And someone is trying to hold him accountable and blame him for murder AGAIN that he did not commit. It doesn’t take someone with ASPD to do something like that. Also, this is Kdrama world. If you go back through the past episodes, what has Hyunsoo done that’s bad enough to just go on ahead and decide to diagnose him as a psychopath/sociopath/ASPD/whatever? It all boils down to how wrong he was done as a child thus diagnosed wrong, because we know our man can feel. He spent how many episodes having panic attacks over the thought of losing his wife and her finding out the truth of his real identity? He was forced into taking the identity of Heeseong, don’t forget that. It’s not something HE pushed for. He was threatened with prison if he refused.

Now that he has this happy and loving life, with a wife and daughter who both love him unconditionally and bring him happiness and safety and warmth, something he NEVER experienced growing up, would he really want to risk losing that all by his true identity and all the rumors around it being exposed? What has he really done here that’s so wrong? Please tell me. I’m dying to know.

I don’t see a psychopath. I see a man who’s literally SUFFERED damn near his whole life because he was forced into believing he was something he wasn’t. He was beaten, ostracized and betrayed by people he thought he could trust. I see a man who does suffer from a mental condition, but that he is not beyond help like most psychopaths/ASPD folks are. There’s a huge difference in it all and that’s my honest to goodness opinion on it all. If I had to diagnose him with anything? It would be Alexthymia and anxiety/panic disorder developed from the fact that his emotions have been buried under trauma and lies for so so long.

#flower of evil #lee joon gi #moon chae won #do hyun soo #cha ji won #do hyunsoo #cha jiwon #lee joongi #moon chaewon #lee jun ki #lee junki #more thoughts #i really do feel the therapist was wrong in every aspect of him #including his diagnosis #and i'm still glad jiwon tore her apart

[boethiahsboytoy]

💋 📙😊 💧💤 and 🎀 for vyr? pls and thank! -ratjester :3

Disclaimer: I wrote this on mobile so I'm sorry if the formatting is kind of weird;;

💋 How affectionate are they with their friends? Their family? Their romantic partner(s) (if they have any)? Are they more physical or emotional when it comes to displaying their affection? Why?

Vyrthaal is a VERY physically affectionate kid: if he likes you there's a 100% chance he will try to hug you whenever he sees you, hold your hand, lean against you, playfully bump into you, etc. etc (provided you're comfortable the physical touch). When he was growing up his biological parents weren't very physically affectionate with him and now that he has a loving family hes a very cuddly and touched starved person.

With his (orc) family he loves to wrestle with them and, occasionally, spar!! Orcs play wrestling and sparring etc. to show love is my favorite thing ok don't @ me. But I don't feel like Serana would be too keen on that, I think their affection would be more brief like gently bumping into each other.

With Kili he learns many ways the Falmer show affection (that I headcanon), with his favorite being touching foreheads together. He also really likes giving his partner lots and Lots of cheek and head kisses, and they're almost always holding hands with their fingers intertwined when they're traveling together or just hanging out. (Kili and Vyrthaal don't actually Start Dating until they're both around 17 but it's also Very obvious they have crushes on each other like...years before then)

📙 What kind of subjects (of conversation, of discussion, in school or whatever) does your OC find interesting or engaging or that they can talk for hours about? What kind of stuff do they just find fun? What things bore your OC to tears and they couldn’t care less about? Why?

My boy LOVES enchanting (until traveling to the Soul Cairn). He will info dump about various enchantments and the right techniques for what for HOURS if you ask him to. Even before being adopted by Marzog. After, when she teaches him blacksmithing, that becomes Another Favorite Subject and he learns everything about it that his Stronghold can teach him. One of his hobbies is embroidery, whenever he can he tries to embroider things into his friends' clothes. Mainly flowers but also things related to them or that they like !!

In his teenage years he's VERY snobbish towards Nord blacksmithing techniques. He looks down on it and claims that it's just senseless hitting hot metal with hammers. (It isn't until he grows up and matures some that he begins to understand it and respect it as it's own craft and art form).

As for things that bore him I hadn't really thought of that Too much but I DO know he doesn't like baking. It's too precise and takes Way too much time no matter What you're making he's WAY too impatient to sit around and, say, wait for his bread to rise properly (assuming he doesn't accidentally kill the yeast beforehand).

😊 What can make your OC smile even when they’re feeling down? What cheers them up and makes everything feel better for them? Is your OC genrally a happy person and do they enjoy making others smile? What about your OC makes others happy?

I feel like this is universal for literally Every OC I've ever made but a fresh meal made with love will ALWAYS cheer him up No Matter What. It's literally one of the few things Absolutely Constant with every one of my OCs that I can think of. Even Serene, who doesn't technically need to eat, appreciates the first time Jo'safiir makes him food. So yeah, that will always cheer him up, at least a Little.

Anyways-

Vyr tries Very hard to be upbeat and positive and a ray of sunshine (pun intented) but at his core he's still a very traumatized and upset kid who doesn't know how to handle and recover from that in a healthy way. He does like to make people happy but a lot of times his happiness is very much faked.

As for what about him makes people happy, I would guess it's his upbeat and excited attitude, as well as his chaotic, silly, gremlin energy. But also his willingness to just sit quietly with someone and relax, if that's what they need. He's a very caring person all throughout his life.

💧 What is the earliest memory your OC can recall? Do they know what their first words were or remember where they took their first steps? Do they have any mementos of their childhood they’ve kept such as a stuffed toy or tiny baby clothes?

His earliest memory would be the first time his parents took him into a Dwemer city. They were nobility and it was a meeting with Dwemer leaders. He had never been anywhere Near Dwemer *anything* and even though he was really young it terrified him enough that he remembers it decades later ;;

His first Positive memory would be being carried by his biological mother and watching the sun rise together :')

The clothes that Marzog found him with is all that was left from his home. He cherishes them for the rest of his life and does everything he can to keep them well taken care of and preserved. He wishes he had more.

💤 What was your OC like as a baby, a child and as a teen? (if your OC is a teen or a child, what will they be like as an adult?). How have they changed since then? What lessons have they learned and what things about their youth do they miss the most? Do they have any general regrets?

As a baby: Very giggly and loud. A bundle of energy. Loved playing and babbled Constantly.

As a child: Excited and energetic at first, then his parents started really drilling the Quiet, Refined, Nobility BS into him and he was forced to calm down and act more cold and aloof.

As a teen: He gets his energy and excitement back !! And gets a little Rowdy, having spent so long woth his orc family. :) Definitely uhhhh Going Through It so there are days where the trauma Really hits and he's nonverbal or on edge or just....depressed and numb. But on better days he's got Big Gremlin Energy.

When he reaches adulthood he's learned how to handle and process his emotions in a healthy manner. He's obviously not Completely Healed And Healthy, but he can take care of himself emotionally. Gets good at being formal again, he Does become a professional vampire hunter so he has to be good at being calm and collected when helping people who are victims of vampire attacks and such. But he'll also always have that hyperactive gremlin vibe going on--

🎀 Do they wear a specific accessory with a special meaning behind it? What is their usual fashion sense like? What do they wear when they want to be comfortable and what do they wear when they’re going to a fancy party? Or do they just not care?

He keeps a lot of handmade things from his family on him (jewelry, daggers, knives, things like that) at all times! Normally he will wear his Ancient Falmer armor whenever he can, but he does have comfortable and sensible Traveling Armor that he wears too. When he wants to be comfy at home though he likes wearing dresses or loose shirts and pants. When he needs to be formal he'll normally just wear the Ancient Falmer armor--its that good Magical Aedric Shit so it never gets fucked up from fighting and grows with him, so it always looks beautiful and Fancy. (Someone tell this boy that armor is NOT black tie apparel PLEASE--)

Thank you!!!! 🧡

#ask #ask meme response #OC Vyrthaal #ratjester #i feel like i rambled less than if i had answered on desktop #also im sorry i cant put read mores on mobile i Will edit this super quick as soon as i post it but im sorry if anyone sees it Before then;;

[myfandomrambles]

C-PTSD & BPD Doctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3D)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptom overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid.

12th Doctor:

The Twelfth Doctor is often viewed as a darker, colder Doctor. He is a more abrasive character than many of The Doctor’s faces. He didn’t lie about who and what he was like many of the new Doctors do. He is really grappling with the Time War’s effects on himself, having lived in a war on Trenzalore, many of the things he has done or chosen to do that facilitated harm and very prominently all of the loved ones he’s lost before, during and after the wars.

The idea of being a soldier or general vs being The Doctor hangs heavy on him. He not only played a general and war hero during the time war “The Doctor of war” but was also the default commander of the Trenzalore war, the target of much of the violence and the de facto leader of the town during the siege. His deep fear of who he really is, and distaste for anything related to soldiers does stem from the Time War but regenerating off the war on Trenzalore made him have to grapple even further because he spent so much time having to experience it all over again.

In this Doctor's run we get some references back to his earliest incarnation and life on Gallifrey in series 9 a chunk of this is mostly plot-related in the concept of the Time Dial and Hybrid but even that added to other information gives insight to his early life which connects with all of the New Who Doctors, and greatly with the Twelfth Doctor in interesting ways.

"Man: Why does he have to sleep out here?

Woman: He doesn't want the others to hear him crying.

Man: Why does he have to cry all the time?

Woman: You know why.

Man: There'll be no crying in the army.

Woman: Hush.

Man: Don't pretend you're not awake. We're not idiots.

Woman: Come and sleep in the house. You don't have to be alone. If you can hear me, you're very welcome in the house, with the other boys. I'll leave the door on the latch. Come in any time.

Man: He can't just run away crying all the time if he wants to join the army.

Woman: He doesn't want to join the army. I keep telling you.

Man: Well, he's not going to the Academy, is he, that boy? He'll never make a Time Lord."

This scene is in TV: Listen is connected well with much of what we knew before about The Doctor's lonely childhood, his experience of always been regarded as a renegade, was disliked in school, not liking the rigid society, having anxiety even as a kid and being generally isolated [save The Master]. In this story, it also ties into the way that even into this regeneration The Doctor deals with fears and anxiety he tries to hide and intellectualize. This also sets up a baseline of possible attachment struggles that have worsened with complex trauma.

In TV: Witch's familiar Missy describes The Doctor as a young Time Lord, It’s told in a bit of humour manner but connects in with the more serious discussion on TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent.

“Doctor: A long time ago, there was a student at the Academy. He got in here, disappeared for four days. Showed up in a completely different part of the city. Said the Sliders talked to him, they showed him the secret passage out. And we just need the code.

Clara: What and the kid told you the secret?

Doctor: Ah, no, he didn't tell anyone anything. He went completely mad. Never right in the head again, so they say.

Clara: Okay, that's encouraging.

Doctor: The last I heard, he stole the moon and the President's wife.

Clara: Was she, er, Was she nice, the President's wife?

Doctor: Ah, well, that was a lie put about by the Shabogans. It was the President's daughter. I didn't steal the moon, I lost it.

Clara: I'd know you anywhere.

Doctor: I was a completely different person in those days. Eccentric, a bit mad, rude to people.”

This conversation again adds a bit to The Doctor stories adding to things like the Tenth Doctor’s discussion of the Untempered Schism shaping The Doctor even from a young age. This also connects with The Doctor's self-perception, the above attachment issues and talks about how his history on Gallifrey has influenced his identity issues.  

The Doctor Struggles with boundaries, something that we know is connected with his alien tendencies [and if you read my Autistic/Adhd sections it ties with that] but I think his emotional and identity enmeshment with Clara and to some degree Missy has a tie into his history of loss and trauma ( TV: Under The Lake & TV: The Witch’s Familiar). We see that The Doctor tends to either care for people an intense amount or have difficulty forming a connection, this also applies to his trust ( TV: Time Heist, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Zygon Invasion TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, & TV: The Pilot, TV: The Lie of The Land)

The Doctor has poor boundaries with Clara, in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death The Doctor enters Clara’s bathroom while in the tub in the TARDIS, he has little care for how this would cross boundaries. The Doctor also very often relies on her for how he sees and values himself putting his Duty of Care over anything else. In TV: Dark Water we see another example,

“Clara: You're going to help me?

Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?

Clara: Because of what I just did. I just

Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!

Clara: Then why are you helping me?

Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?”

Clara crossed an extreme line in this episode having, in her mind, drugged The Doctor and destroyed his ability to get into his home and possible stranding them in a deadly position. As The Doctor point’s out he betrayed him deeply and let him down. The most telling part here isn’t to me that he helps her out, it’s that he doesn’t set this up as a time of “forgiving” her for having done something that could have hurt them both, but that it doesn’t make a difference. Betraying him could never make a difference, a level of extreme trust and lack of autonomy from her.

Being without her makes him reckless (TV: The Witch’s Familiar) and the ability to possibly protect her will make him cross lines, ones of keeping himself safe (TV: Last Christmas) and his own personal moral standards (TV: Face The Raven). In TV: Heaven Sent he describes life as not being worth living without her while trying to figure out if he can get out of the situation he questions if its work it saying,

“Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

The Doctor and Clara’s identities become enmeshed in The Doctor’s perception in TV: Heaven Sent he says,

“Doctor: Assume you're going to survive. Always assume that. Imagine you've already survived. There's a storm room in your mind. Lock the door and think. This is my storm room. I always imagine that I'm back in my Tardis, showing off, telling you how I escaped, making you laugh.”

This shows how she is part of his own internal thought process and his coping skills. And later in TV: Hell Bent along with his willingness to cross all his personal boundaries and the laws of time it’s discussed how they might, even if just in personal and outside perception, become a singular entity in the Hybrid.

“Doctor: Does it matter?

Ashildr: No. Because I have a better theory.

Doctor: Really?

Ashildr: What if the Hybrid wasn't one person, but two?

Doctor: Two?

Ashildr: A dangerous combination of a passionate and powerful Time Lord and a young woman so very similar to him.”

Part of this enmeshed identities is connected to the concept of Favourite person which Clara Oswald fills the role of in seasons 8 & 9. He puts so much of himself into her in his self-perception and works hard to keep her safe. ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Time Heist).

This is shown in terms of ‘duty of care’, this also relates to his hero/god complex, feelings that he needs to control everything, deep fears and anxiety and guilt over people he can’t save. ( TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Face the Raven, TV: The Girl Who Died). He also shows a lot of jealousy towards her showing attention to others. (TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: Listen, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Caretaker, Comic: The Four Doctors)

In TV: The Caretaker Danny Pink comments on The Doctors need to keep her safe.

“Danny: It's all right, it doesn't matter. I don't need him to like me. It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me, I just need to do exactly one thing for you. Doctor, am I right?

Doctor: Yes.

Clara: What? What one thing?

Danny: I need to be good enough for you. That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.”

This protectiveness reaches its most extreme in Twelve shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent. He is also willing to hurt himself in order for her to not be hurt. This can be seen in TV: Dark Water & TV: The Witch's Familiar and allowing himself to be hurt for thousands of years in the Time Dial. (TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent)

This enmeshment isn't one-sided. Multiple Times Clara notes how important The Doctor is to her, stating he is essential to her in TV: Before the Flood, calling him the only person she really trusts (TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven) and desperately wanting to be like him. (TV: Flatline, TV: The Girl Who Died & TV: Face The Raven)

In TV: Listen Clara ends up on Gallifrey and tried to calm the young Doctor, she is then able to extrapolate this to her Doctor whom she knows and understands his fear of vulnerability but has also seen him when he is lost and hurt, knowing he is anxious. When she comes back she says;

“Clara: What if there was nothing? What if there never was anything? Nothing under the bed, nothing at the door. What if the big bad Time Lord doesn't want to admit he's just afraid of the dark.

Doctor: Where are we? Have we moved? Where have we landed?

Clara: Don't look where we are. Take off, and promise me you will never look where we've been.

Doctor: Why?

Clara: Just take off. Don't ask questions.

Doctor: I don't take orders, Clara.

Clara: Do as you're told.”

The way she explains can seem harsh, but keeping him from looking is important as she knows it would consume him trying to work out how they were on a past time lock Galifrey.

Missy becomes someone Twelve links personal image in the show as well. The Doctor and The Master has a long history of hurting each other and then forgiving it when maybe it doesn't make sense to. The Doctor will also often go over other people's heads in order to offer the hand to the master after they do harm to other people. It’s also been pointed out by people like the Rani that the master is overly obsessed with The Doctor. But The Doctor also has a history of connecting their personal identity to the master too. Something we can see throughout Twelve's run.

In TV: World Enough and Time Bil and The Doctor discuss why he wants Bill to help him with Missy’s test run helping others.

“Doctor: She's my friend. She's my oldest friend in the universe.

Bill: Well, you've got lots of friends. Better ones. What's so special about her?

Doctor: She's different.

Bill: Different how?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Yes, you do.

Doctor: She's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.

Bill: So more than anything you want her to be good?

...

Doctor: I know I can help her.”

In this quote, we see that The Doctor needs The Master to be good because of how much he sees of himself in her. There has to be redemption in the heart of The Master because he believes that it is a reflection of his own possibility of goodness, but also part of The Doctor needing to be able to help the people he cares for.

In TV: The Doctor Falls we see more of this trying to have Missy change and to have his friend fill the hole he has.

"Doctor: No! No! When I say no, you turn back around! Hey! I'm going to be dead in a few hours, so before I go, let's have this out, you and me, once and for all. Winning? Is that what you think it's about? I'm not trying to win. ... It's not because it's fun and God knows it's not because it's easy. It's not even because it works, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it's right! Because it's decent! And above all, it's kind. It's just that. ... And I will stand here doing it till it kills me. You're going to die too, someday. How will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand, is where I fall. Stand with me."

....

Doctor: Missy. Missy. You've changed. I know you have. And I know what you're capable of. Stand with me. It's all I've ever wanted.

Missy: Me too. But no. Sorry. Just, no. But thanks for trying."

The Doctor easily forgives the masters’ betrayal when she tried to get him to shoot Clara. (TV: The Witch's Familiar) The next time they meet Twelve saves Missy’s life and vows to watch over and try to help her. (TV: Extremis)

The Doctor and Nardole’s relationship is interesting as we see that he works with The Doctor after having been close with his wife. Nardole has seen a lot of The Doctor's weak points and we can see that there is some trust there. Nardole while willing to push back, he is essentially The Doctor’s assistant. While having a license to “kick his ass” (TV: Extremis) for the most part he does as he is told, and when The Doctor does things he doesn’t have any real power over his actions. The Doctor's need for control is evident here but he showed himself as dependable something The Doctor needs as he tends to lose his control when alone.

Bill views The Doctor as her teacher and trusts him very quickly. (TV: Pilot, TV: Smile, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, & TV: World Enough and Time) . We see another side to their relationship in TV: Thin Ice. There we see her able to read the trauma and loss in his face but can also tell time has allowed him to blot out the emotions and the utilitarian way he tries and deal with it.

“Bill: Yeah? Tell me this. You've seen people die before, yeah?

Doctor: Of course.

Bill: You still care?

Doctor: Of course I care.

Bill: How many?

Doctor: How many what?

Bill: If you care so much, tell me how many people you've seen die?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Okay. How many before you lost count?

Doctor: I care, Bill, but I move on.

Bill: Yeah? How quickly?

Doctor: It's not me you're angry with.

Bill: Have you ever killed anyone? There's a look in your eyes sometimes that makes me wonder. Have you?

Doctor: There are situations when the options available are limited.

Bill: Not what I asked.

Doctor: Sometimes the choices are very

Bill: That's not what I asked!

Doctor: Yes.

Bill: How many?

Bill: Don't tell me. You've moved on.

Doctor: You know what happens if I don't move on? More people die.”

I think this also points to the way The Doctor has the ability and history of taking life and death into his hands and is aware of this in his answers here. The hole left by taking lives and watching them be lost is visible even to those who care for him.

The other most important relationship is The Doctor’s connection to Ashildr. Their connection is born from an episode of flashbacks, anxiety, control issues and overblown sense of responsibility in his god complex. She is made into what she is because of The Doctor trying to be The Doctor, the grand concept, the man who saves people. Her existence is built from hubris and trauma. As well as the no or complete trust he tends to have with other people, becoming deeply connected to people very quickly.

“Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other...I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness.

Ashildr: That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away.

...

Doctor:...Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout.

Ashildr: Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves.

Doctor: Sometimes tidal waves.

Ashildr: I'm flattered.

....

Ashildr: Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of The Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you.”

(TV: The Woman Who Lived)

He feels responsible for her, but he also needs her to be okay to have compassion for other people. Because he has his own struggle with weary and emptiness letting it totally consume him is something he dreads. Ashildr also gained the knowledge of the way The Doctor leaves a trail in the world, taking the title “patron saint of The Doctor’s leftovers” she is playing on his guilt, even if it is very honest.

Hyperarousal and Hyperarousal is seen a lot with the Twelfth Doctor (TV: Deep Breath, TV: Into the Dalek, TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: In The Forest Of The Night, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Selfie, Comic: Ghost Stories, Prose, The Blood Cell, Prose Big Bang Generation, Comic: Playing House, TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen). This overlaps with compulsive thoughts and anxiety in TV: Listen where the whole story cover being so on edge he makes up a reason for his paranoid thoughts and fears.

This also manifests as The Doctor being very restless in general (Prose: Big Bang Generation, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Time Heist, TV: Listen, Comic: The Twist & Comic: Unearthly Things). And visible anxiety through his body language and way of speaking (TV: Dark Water, TVL Heaven Sent Comic: Hyperion Empire, Comic: The Boy With the Displaced Smile, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: Extremis, The Magician's Apprentice, & Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen)

In TV: The Girl Who Died, he describes how after loss and during stress he experiences times where he can’t breathe a description congruent with anxiety.

“Doctor: One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe”

He experienced episodes of high anger ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Tim Heist, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Before The Flood, Zygon Inversion. TV: Face The Raven, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, TV: Thin Ice, Comic: The Twist, TV: The Doctor Falls, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). Sometimes becoming outward displays of violence line when he punches a Man in TV: Thin Ice and shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent.

We see another episode of extreme anger in TV: Death In Heaven, he internalizes his anger until it becomes too much and we see him break down destroying his console. We see other internalized anger in (TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, & TV: Last Christmas)

He has a marked experience of irritability and agitation struggling to handle interpersonal situations and (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, & Prose: Blood Cell). This decreases over time in the later season showing less of an agitated and often perceived as rude, it takes a form of internalization quite a bit covered by fatigue.

Twelve has a strong need to control the situation around him and himself (TV: Robots of Sherwood TV: Listen, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Into The Forest of The Night, TV: Last Christmas TV: Prequel To The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, TV: The Zygon Invasion/Zygon INversion, TV: Sleep No More TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: Oxygen, TV: Extremis/Pyramid at the end of the world/Lie of the Land, TV: The Empress of Mars, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls & TV: Twice Upon a Time, Comic: The Twist, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, & TV: Invasion of The Midmorphs)

The Doctor’s need to have control over the situation can become a level of manipulative that can upset the people he is with. Taking the form of knowing things others don’t and not letting them in, or using other people’s lives in what from the outside seems like a game. (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Before The Flood, and Comic: The Twist)

In TV: Flatline they discuss methods of control

“Doctor: Excellent lying, Doctor Oswald.

Clara: Yeah? Well, thought it was pretty weak myself.

Doctor: I meant to me. You told me that Danny was okay with you being back on board the Tardis.

Clara: Well, he is.

Doctor: Yeah, because he doesn't know anything about it.

Clara: Doctor

Doctor: Congratulations. Lying is a vital survival skill.

Clara: Well, there you go.

Doctor: And a terrible habit.”

This is an interesting exchange as I think it connects to control, a sense of disconnection from others as well as adding a throughline to his previous regeneration. He refers to it as a survival skill Clara was using the same skills The Doctor did in order to control the situation with those episodes side characters. But it’s also pointed to as a bad habit, something The Doctor wishes they didn’t have to do. We know that the lying was a tool of control and isolation to the Eleventh Doctor. River and The Doctor’s rule one was consistent “The Doctor lies.” I think it can also be connected to implicit memories of acting on behaviours he has needed to do for a long time.

Control is invoked in a different manner in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death he invokes the president of the world status. We see this again in Comic: The Hyperion Empire he takes charge of the situation over a politician even using the president of the world title to his advantage, Kate comments on this as funny doing to his dislike of this title in previous episodes.

In Prose: The Blood Cell there is an interesting example of this in his maintaining control of the situation in a prison by continuously doing things that assert his own control over the situation. It’s effective as he has as much information on the situation as the people who run the prison who are having their own kind of power struggle. He jokes about having a day off as well, commenting on his being the one in power in most places, which is oddly a part of his trying, and eventually succeeding in controlling a situation that is meant to leave him powerless.

The control issues are commented on by The Doctor in TV: Under The Lake

“Doctor: So, who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.”

These issues are inflamed during the events of TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent when his control was entirely stripped by the Time Lords. During these experiences he does what he can to hold control and overcompensating, using his previous interactions and war experience to essentially hold Galifrey even when he has no intention of staying. This is understandable due to the torture of the Time Dial and it continues to affect him moving forward.

He can show anxiety when he loses control of the situation (TV: Flatline, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Heaven Sent, TV: Pyramid at The End Of The World, TV: Time Heist, TV: Oxygen, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen, & Comic: Ghost Stories) An example that is played as laughs but shows this is his dislike of River yanking him around (TV: The Husbands of River Song)

"Doctor: Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.”

Similar interactions happen between Bernice Summerfield and Twelve during Prose: The Big Bang Generation, as he doesn’t hold the cards for much of the Story.

The Doctor can use displays and show off in part of his need for control and as a way of trying to impress his friends, It works against his feeling of loneliness and giving that need for attention. It can take the form of just generally extreme displays of masking emotions like in TV: The Magician's Apprentice and TV: The Lie of The Land or explaining how he did something (TV: In The Forest of The Night TV: Kill The Moon,, TV: Time Heist, Comic: The Twist, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TVL: Thin Ice, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World & TV: World Enough and Time)

The Doctor has a deep fear of showing he’s own vulnerability, this is seen very clearly in TV: Extremis & TV: Pyramid at The End of The World. After TV: Oxygen The Doctor is left blind and refuses to tell Bill that this lasted. He uses the glasses to try and see the outlines of things and grudgingly relies on Nardole for help. It’s impossible to do it totally on his own, and Nardole had seen vulnerability before so he is the one let somewhat in. The fear of being seen as something that connects to his trauma and needs to show people a heroic side of himself and close off all of the pain and trauma inside of him.

In TV: Extremis Nardole references that he fears others knowing about vulnerabilities and accepting them himself,

“Nardole: Okay, so you're blind and you don't want your enemies to know. I get it. But why does it have to be a secret from Bill?

Doctor: Because I don't like being worried about. Around me, people should be worried about themselves.

Nardole: Yeah, shall I tell you the real reason?

Doctor: No.

Nardole: Because the moment you tell Bill, it becomes real. And then you might actually have to deal with it.

Doctor: Good point, well made. Definitely not telling her now.

Nardole: You're an idiot.

Doctor: Everyone knows that.”

The Doctor has a tendency to isolate himself as a function of anxiety and depression. Part of this is his fear of vulnerability done with words and lies of omission and sometimes straight-up separating himself physically (TV: Dark Water/Last Christmas, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Twice Upon A Time, TV: Kill The Moon, Prose: Big Bang Generation, & TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World) when overwhelmed he literally bolts and leaves the stressful place, this is seen again in TV: The Girl Who Died where when he realises that Ashildr died he hides his emotions and hides from others.

Emotional masking can be part of this, in TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio he says he’s “always okay” instead of being honest and moving on from it.

Deals with obsessive thoughts (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile & TV: Twice Upon A Time, & TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood). We see this heavily in TV: Listen, he thought himself into creating an entire creature thought rumination. The concept here is also fear itself and a loss of control through a creature he could never see. We this also is tied into other issues like nightmares, insomnia and references back to his childhood which through the extended universe materials and references in the show was not a happy one with being ostracised from his own family/chapter from peers and early experiences of violence. Another specific version of this is his preoccupation with his trauma, seen in TV: Into the Dalek in his conversation with the Dalek.

“Rusty: Daleks have destroyed a million stars.

Doctor: Oh, millions and millions. Trust me, I keep count.”

Another manifestation is seen in his habit of talking to himself (TV: Listen, TV: Mummy on the Orient Express, Prose: The Big Bang Generation)

A Connected symptom to compulsive thinking is his flashbacks and intrusive thoughts related to his trauma. (TV: Listen, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Into The Forest of The night, & TV: Death in Heaven) An example is his reliving visually the experiences with Donna in TV: Fires of Pompeii when he is faced with the failure to keep Ashildr safe. This ends with him in a state of panic(TV: The Girl Who Died).

He describes seeing and hearing events from the Time War in TV: Zygon Inversion

“Doctor: I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain?”

This is a pretty accurate description of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. Another moment that references intrusive thoughts and flashbacks can be seen in TV: Extremis when The Doctor talks to Missy.

“Doctor: Memories are so much worse in the dark.”

Nightmares and Insomnia ( TV: Deep Breath, TV: Listen, TV: Zygon Inversion, TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Sleep No More, TV: Knock Knock, TV: Extremis)

The Doctor can show obsessive tendencies with the people who have traumatized him, (TV: Hell Bent, Comic: The Great Shopping Bill, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lives, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Into The Dalek)

There are very explicit incidents when we see Twelve have triggers (TV: Kill The Moon, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Supremacy of The Cybermen) In Comic: The Great Shopping Bill The Doctor sees robots just shaped like Daleks and has a reaction of anger and getting into a fighting mindset. After what happened with Davros, The Doctor refuses to use his Sonic for a period of time instead of using his Sonic Shades. (TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, continues through series 9) [losing the Sonic isn’t a good enough reason we know the TARDIS can make a new one quite fast.]

This overlaps with his intrusive thoughts and flashbacks obviously as they can be triggered. An example is when war is mentioned in Comic: Hyperion, we see The Doctor start listening wars he’s been a part of including Trenzalore.

The Doctor shows issues with dissociation, which we see The Doctor experience in other situations. (TV: Death in Heaven, TV: Extremis, TV: Empress of Mars, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Before the Flood) It’s used very clearly as a protective measure in TV: Heaven Sent allowing him to go into his head to manage stress completely disconnecting from himself and having a distortion of his environment. We see him use dissociation this to ignore pain. (TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TV: Twice Upon a Time). He even loses time (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Pilot)

The Doctor often experiences emotional shutdowns (TV: Time Heist, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctor) The interesting thing in TV: Thin Ice is we see this play out in how it’s often used, to allow himself to deal and make decisions. We know he can easily lose his temper but when the child dies and bill asks him about it he says

“Doctor: I have never had the luxury of outrage”

While we know this isn’t true, and we later see him sock a racist in the jaw, there is actually a difference. The Doctor has a sense of morality that is very strong, but it’s most important to get it done, for Twelve more than anyone else. I think we can tell that here he has to separate himself from what he feels to act. The Doctor can set himself in the mindset of a fight to finish what needs to be done, something that Bill who isn’t used to splitting from himself isn’t able to do. The Doctor, however, is in tune with grief and sentimentality, so it’s not a lack of ability.

Twelve disrupted belief system can be seen in The Doctor, something that has been an issue since at least the Eighth Doctor and commented on with both Ten and Eleven (Comic: The Boy With The Displace Smile, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Eaters of Light & TV: Heaven Sent). In Comic: The Wolves of Winter The Doctor’s belief becomes important in order to protect against the Haemovore he pulls on the memory of how much he cared for his companions and this works to push over the edge of emotions.

In TV: Into The Dalek, we see that the belief he carries generally like his view of himself is set into his trauma,

“Clara: It's the look you get when I'm about to slap you.

Doctor: Ow. Clara.

Clara: Are we going to die in here? I mean, there's a little bit of you that's pleased. The Daleks are evil after all. Everything makes sense. The Doctor is right.”

In TV: Hell Bent Ohila notes that the moral system and solid foundations will fall apart when his emotions become too much.

“Ohila: You have gone too far. You have broken every code you ever lived by.

Doctor: After all this time, after everything I've done, don't you think the universe owes me this?

Ohila: Owes you what? All you're doing is giving her hope.

Doctor: Since when is hope a bad thing?

Ohila: Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold.”

Twelve struggles with having a cohesive sense of self and identity this is closely intertwined with the dissociation. The main way this shows is the way he describes The Doctor as a separate construct not truly tied to him. (TV: Flatline, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Thin Ice, TV: World Enough and Time, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). In TV: The Witch’s Familiar this is commented on in a conversation between Davros and The Doctor, how the concept is something the person can never live up to, a severe split of self.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I'm not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm The Doctor.”

We see this in the reverse in TV: Face The Raven where he rejects the label when his actions are made out of anger, resentment and pain. A split idea of who he is and who he ought to be

“Ashildr: You can't.

Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories. You know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?

Ashildr: I know The Doctor. The Doctor would never

Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love.”

Clara, as she did with Eleven in TV: The Day of The Doctor, tries to get him to own the person she believes him to be.

“Clara: ...Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a Warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.

Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?

Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise, I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.”

This ties in with his anger, and his self-hatred, and often warranted guilt. This exchange has no convincing power to The Doctor,

“Doctor: What Clara said about not taking revenge. Do you know why she said that?

Ashildr: She was saving you.

Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best, but I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find that it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you.”

He takes her order in to not hurt Ashildr and Trap Street, but he doesn’t actually believe as Clara does that he can be “turned into a monster” or that this isn't who is, that anger he's capable of and what he has done are who is, an old Time Lord, a lost person, as much if not more so then The Doctor.

The Doctor tries to reconcile his identity issues in TV: Death in Heaven.

“Doctor: I really didn't know. I wasn't sure. You lose sight sometimes. Thank you! I am not a good man! I am not a bad man. I am not a hero. And I'm definitely not a president. And no, I'm not an officer. Do you know what I am? I am an idiot, with a box and a screwdriver. Just passing through, helping out, learning."

Though as examples of this can be seen in stories that happen after this episode we can see it was short lives epiphany.

As a part of identity construct The Doctor has a hero and god complex, this is also something that is warranted to some extent because of all they have done, but the good and bad having been done as The Doctor is part of why this identity is distant from the person (TV: Smile, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Flatline, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Waters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/ The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon a Time)

In TV: Flatline when he has to combat the Boneless he has to make choices he actually struggles. This combines identity issues around The Doctor, with his hero/god complex, and the guilt over past actions.

“ Doctor: I tried to talk. I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out, I tried to understand you, but I think that you understand us perfectly.

And I think you just don't care. And I don't know whether you are here to invade, infiltrate or just replace us. I don't suppose it really matters now. You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine.

The man that stops the monsters. I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And, if you do, remember this. You are not welcome here. This plane is protected. I am The Doctor. And I name you The Boneless. ”

An interesting arc connected to his trauma and identity issues through the story thread between the stories TV: Kill the Moon, TV: In The Forest of The Night, and TV: Thin Ice is about the authority he has over the earth and including his companions in this work.

First in TV: Kill The Moon we see The Doctor rejecting his connection to the earth and refusing to take the actions surrounding rather or not to kill the moon or not.

“Doctor: Listen, there are moments in every civilisation's history in which the whole path of that civilisation is decided. The whole future path. Whatever future humanity might have depends upon the choice that is made right here and right now. Now, you've got the tools to kill it. You made them. You brought them up here all on your own, with your own ingenuity. You don't need a Time Lord. Kill it. Or let it live. I can't make this decision for you.'

‘Doctor: Listen, we went to dinner in Berlin in 1937, right? We didn't nip out after pudding and kill Hitler. I've never killed Hitler. And you wouldn't expect me to kill Hitler. The future is no more malleable than the past...Sorry. Well, actually, no, I'm not sorry. It's time to take the stabilisers off your bike. It's your moon, womankind. It's your choice.”

Twelves rejecting his over who he really is makes him vacillate between being amazingly in control and shrewd and I think dreading to make decisions, and the more the decision has social aspects, like the effects of the choices of the moon and fallout he struggles to actually be the one. [This story is one I personally don’t know if he knew or not] He is focused on the control in a paradoxical fashion as he is both literally running from and trying to maintain it in the way he plays the conductor. Clara hates this, the largest fight they have stems from this,

“Clara: Oh, don't you ever tell me to mind my language. Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike. And don't you dare lump me in with the rest of all the little humans that you think are so tiny and silly and predictable. You walk our Earth, Doctor, you breathe our air. You make us your friend, and that is your moon too. And you can damn well help us when we need it."

Her comments about Earth being The Doctor’s home too, that the humans care for the earth, The Doctor meddles in the earth and therefore he has responsibilities to them. That he can’t play games with those who trust him.

The next time this arc comes up in earnest is in TV: In The Forest of The Night,

“Doctor: This is my world, too. I walk your earth, I breathe your air.

Clara: And on behalf of this world, you're very welcome. Now, go. Save the next one.”

In this story, The Doctor lets Clara know he heard her, and we can see he is no longer questioning his care for the earth and the personal nature of his responsibility to the humans, and his friends. He is still making executive decisions though.

In TV: Thin Ice we see The Doctor backtrack somewhat on being part of the earth, but he is willing to listen to others. I see it as part of The Doctor’s change in attitude being exhausted of making choices, but also knowing and being willing to do it anyway.

"Doctor: She might. It's a risk. So, what do you want to do, Bill?

Bill: We already know the answers. Why are you even asking?

Doctor: I don't know the answers. Only idiots know the answers. But if your future is built on the suffering of that creature, what's your future worth?

Bill: Why is it up to me?

Doctor: Because it can't be up to me. Your people, your planet. I serve at the pleasure of the human race, and right now, that's you. Give me an order. Not long till noon. I need an order."

Overall this exchange helps illustrate how he doesn't have a lot of linear change, more changing expressions of his earlier experiences and reacting to the changing circumstances of the struggles.

His issues with Soldiers connected to these identity issues and is a major component of his history of trauma with the Time War and Trenzalore. He’s never liked guns or using weapons and has a disparaging view of War for his whole existence as three commenting on military intelligence as a “contradiction in terms”.

This more complete rejection of soldiers doesn’t start to manifest until the Eighth Doctor. It’s interesting as by this point The Doctor is much more of a soldier than his older regenerations, The Brigadier being his best friend for the majority of his regenerations and still being a friend up till Eleven. As he became more willing to cross lines and someone who could command people to die for him he hates the concept. During the Time war however even as a soldier his contempt for the military stays being the People’s hero but someone the establishment doesn't like (TV: The Day of The Doctor, Prose: Engines of War, TV: Hell Bent).

The dislike of soldiers is most pronounced in the early part of Twelve's time (TV: Dark Water, TV: The Girl Who, Comic: The Hyperion Empire). In TV: Into The Dalek, he rejects Journey Blue coming with him explicitly because she’s a soldier,

“ Journey: Doctor. Take me with you.

Doctor: I think you're probably nice. Underneath it all, I think you're kind and you're definitely brave. I just wish you hadn't been a soldier.”

TV: The Caretaker is another story where this is front and centre. Explicitly stating his hatred of soldiers

"Doctor: I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?"

During the story, this conflict becomes entangled with his “duty of care” with Clara and control issues with Danny Pink. The Doctor immediately dislikes him as a retired soldier calling “PE” even when he’s a maths teacher, as an insult. Danny gets involved with his plans causing a rift by him breaking The Doctor’s control, and plan. It's directly discussed between The Doctor and Danny over their dual perceptions of the other as someone they view as antagonistic to their own selves.

“Danny: Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?

Doctor: Definitely not.

Danny: Ah. Sir!

Doctor: And you do not call me sir.

Danny: As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.

Doctor: And you can get out of my Tardis!

Danny: Immediately, sir.

Clara: Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair.

Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.

Doctor: I am not an officer!

Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.

Doctor: Out. Now.

Danny: Right away, sir. Straight now?

Doctor: Yes.

Danny: Am I dismissed?

Doctor: Yes, you are!

Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.”

In TV: Death in Heaven this disagreement continues:

"Cyber-Danny: Clara, watch this. This is who The Doctor is. Watch the blood-soaked old general in action. I can't see properly, sir, because this needs activating. If you want to know what's coming, you have to switch it on. And didn't all of those beautiful speeches just disappear in the face of a tactical advantage? Sir.

Doctor: I need to know. I need to know.

Cyber-Danny: Yes. Yes, you do.

Clara: Give me the screwdriver.

Doctor: No.

Clara: Just do it, Doctor. Do as you are told.

Cyber-Danny: Typical officer. Got to keep those hands clean."

The dislike of soldiers as stated earlier rises in conjunction with their ability to think and act like one. Twelve very easily assumes a military footing, having the ability to act like a soldier and general when necessary. A very intimate understanding of violence follows him and the mindset can be triggered into the front. (Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, TV: Death in Haven, TV: The Magician’s Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Invasion, TV: Hell Bent, & TV: The Eaters of Light)

A version of this can be seen in TV: The Girl Who Died, when the village falls under attack Clara tries to get him to help the people survive, The Doctor’s first response is to try and train them with weapons, something Clara points out he ought to know better. The interesting thing is that at this point that is Twelve’s fall back mode.

Twelve comments on this in TV: The Empress of Mars,

“Bill: You knew that would happen.

Doctor: Always been my problem.

Bill: What?

Doctor: Thinking like a warrior.”

This I think is a combination of the above-discussed issues of hypervigilance and traumatic identity formation but also implicit memories. Living in a war zone twice, and before those long periods of violence in other situations has taught him to think like this. If they don’t people they love, along with innocents will die.

He frames his life around being a battle, around fighting an endless war. In TV: Twice Upon a Time we see him refer to a long life as such;

“Doctor: A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen”

When he decides to regenerate he remarks on it by saying,

“Doctor: Time to leave the battlefield”

The Doctor struggles to handle not having some kind of stimulation of danger, often seeking out dangerous situations. A combined addiction to the violence even if he has a moral and personal disgust with war and wanton violence. (TV: Time Heist, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: Gangland, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Comic: Playing House, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: The Pilot, TV: Thing Ice. TV: Oxygen, & TV: World Enough and Time)

In Prose: Big Bang Generation he comments on this saying that it has gotten worse since his fourth incarnation, pointing out he wouldn’t be caught dead on a planet like Legion back then, nonetheless been going to the scariest part as The Doctor was currently doing. Pointing out that between age, desensitization and a growing reckless his behaviour has changed, the love of adventure maybe being more compulsive when taken in relation to other comments. He describes his agitation and impatience here as “itchy feet”.

In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express they comment on how they couldn’t have just have a normal

“Clara: You knew. You knew this was no relaxing break. You knew this was dangerous.

Doctor: I didn't know. I certainly hoped.”

And at a later point as Clara is trying to decide to stay or not they point out it’s an addictive tendency, something heavily related to BPD and C-PTSD

“Clara: I know it's scary and difficult, but do you love being the man making the impossible choice?

Doctor: Why would I?

Clara: Because it's what you do, all day, every day.

Doctor: It's my life.

Clara: Doesn't have to be. Is it like

Doctor: Like what?

Clara: An addiction?

Doctor: You can't really tell if something's an addiction till you try and give it up.

Clara: And you never have.

Doctor: Let me know how it goes.”

In TV: Heaven Sent when commenting on the construction of the confession dial/prison the captures made for him he reinforces this idea.

“ Doctor: It's a killer puzzle box designed to scare me to death, and I'm trapped inside it. Must be Christmas. ”

The Doctor can be impulsive ( TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Thin Ice, TV: Husband of River Song, TV: Into The Dalek, Comic: Clara Oswald and The SChool of Death, Comic: Unearthly Things, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, Comic: The Lost Dimension, & Comic: Beneath the Waves)

The Doctor is often extremely reckless ( TV: The Magician's Apprentice, Comic: Terrorformer, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: GangLand, Comic: Fractures, TV: Husbands of River Song, Comic: The Twist, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Lie of The Land, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, TV: The Doctor Falls, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir & Comic: The Lot Dimension)

This can get to a point where he is throwing himself into a situation where he could easily die in order to save others, or at least solve the problem (TV: Last Christmas, TV: Time Heist, TV: The Lie of The Land, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death) An example id in TV: Time Hist in order to figure out what is going on and how to save the people left in the vault he allows the Teller to read his mind something they know often turns brains to “soup”. In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express The Doctor uses himself as bait to solve the puzzle allowing the ForeTold to lock on to him.

In TV: The Witch’s Familiar he uses his own regeneration energy to beat the Daleks and Davros, causing himself great pain and possibly affecting further versions of The Doctor. It also shows an increased sense of willingness to harm himself when he believes he’s lost, Clara. In a show of further escalation in personal disregard and tendency to cause himself harm these actions happen at an increased rate in his last season.

In TV: Oxygen The Doctor saves Bill by taking off his suit and giving it to her. This act leaves him harmed causing him to be blind, this effect was long-lasting and could have been permanent. During the period where this harm is left on him, in a semi-visible manner, and has a large effect on his well being. He tries to compensate but leaves him frustrated by the effects he caused himself.

Following this in TV: Extremis The Doctor again puts himself in a position to not only almost die, cause himself pain but be willing to put his future on the line.

“Doctor: The thing about the universe is, whatever you need, you can always borrow, as long as you pay it back. I just borrowed from my future. I get a few minutes of proper eyesight, but I lose something. Maybe all my future regenerations will be blind. Maybe I won't regenerate ever again. Maybe I'll drop dead in twenty minutes.”

This shows a lack of regard for any future versions of himself, not caring about planning forward. We know he is guarding missy but if she wanted to get out, it's pretty clear she would have, and Nardole is there to do so. Not to mention she is let out way earlier than the original promise was made for. Not caring or planning for a future is emblematic of depression, C-PTSD and BPD. With BPD part of it is lack of permanence of self and of emotions, something we see heavily with him.

The Doctor carries a profound sense of guilt, even after knowing he was able to keep Gallifrey from becoming completely destroyed we still use a heavyweight about what he has done and has failed to do that has hurt others. (Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/ The Witch's Familiar, TV: Prequel to the magician's apprentice, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon a Time) This is referenced in TV: Extremis:

“Angelo: Pope Benedict said that you were more in need of confession than any man breathing. But when the offer was made, you replied it would take too much time. On behalf of the Catholic Church, the offer stands. You seem like a man with regret on his mind.”

The guilt is referenced in Comic: Unearthly Things, when he is unable to save the monster he almost hurts himself doing so. After Clara pulls him back he says

“Doctor: I hope it wasn’t the last of its kind”

This references The Doctor’s own history of being the only one left something he later comments on in TV: The Lie of The Land calling Missy the ‘other of the last of the time lords’. He feels sadness over the idea of others not only facing the same fate but of being the one to end a people.

In TV: Before The Flood Clara references his guilt over all of the people around him over the years,

“Doctor: This isn't a potential future. This is the future now. It's already happened. The proof is right there in front of you. I have to die.

Clara: No. You can change things.

Doctor: I can't. Even the tiniest change, the ramifications could be catastrophic. It could spread carnage and chaos across the universe like ripples on a pond. Oh, well, I've had a good innings. This regeneration, it's a bit of a clerical error anyway. I've got to go some time.

Clara: Not with me! Die with whoever comes after me. You do not leave me.

Doctor: Clara, I need to talk to you just on your own. Listen to me. We all have to face death eventually, be it ours or someone else's.

Clara: I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think about that, not yet.

Doctor: I can't change what's already happened. There are rules.

Clara: So break them. And anyway, you owe me. You've made yourself essential to me. You've given me something else to, to be. And you can't do that and then die. It's not fair.

Doctor: Clara.

Clara: No. Doctor, I don't care about your rules or your bloody survivor's guilt. If you love me in any way, you'll come back. Doctor, are you?

Doctor: I can't save Moran or Pritchard.

Clara: No, but like you said, if you can, if you can find out why this is happening, maybe you can stop them killing anybody else, you can save us. And you can stop it happening to you.”

Connected to guilt are feelings of shame. In the series 9 opening two-parter TV: The Magicians Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar this is a topic that is discussed. Ohila, Clara and Missy all point out that he looks shamed by the actions he took prior to this.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone.”

The Doctor is not ignoring or pretending that he doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. I believe it is something that on its own would be healthy. Recognizing you’ve done wrong is a good thing, but when tied with his other problem and guilt that can cause harm.

Grief laid heavy over this Doctor which is tied to his guilt. (TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Husbands of River Song, TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: The Woman Who Lives, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Hell Bent) In TV: The Girl Who Died this topic is discussed

“Doctor: I don't mean the war. I'll lose any war you like. I'm sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do. I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up. And every place I go, it will be there.”

This discusses how grief plagues him and how it hangs as anxiety over him, and that he has spent years running away from pain but also that Twelve is extremely aware that it won’t ever really work.

In TV: Heaven Sent the feelings of grief are newly made, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and sheer weight of the loss of Clara is as painful to him as the torture itself and how it just never ends.

“Doctor: It's funny, the day you lose someone isn't the worst. At least you've got something to do. It's all the days they stay dead.

Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

In Comic: The Four Doctors we see a version of The Doctor who lost his Clara earlier and was connected to a betrayal.

Gabby Narrating “[ The Doctor] He’s either turned his back on grief and self-doubt---or it’s consumed him completely ”

This Doctor is very similar to a version like The Time Lord Victorious Tenth Doctor, Late Era Eighth Doctor and most importantly we see that it is close to The Doctor we see in TV: Hell Bent. This Doctor took control of another planet like TV: Hell Bent he took control, and revenge over Galifrey. It differs however from season 10 Twelve who see the consumption is more tied with the hopeless and fatigue feelings, unlike this version who fell into grasping for control and anger.

The Doctor is very lonely this idea is something that has been established as following him from his childhood but has become even more prominent as time goes one. This is deeply tied to the grief, his age, depression and traumatic haze that follows him makes even the people he latches on to feels removed. (Prose: Bing Bang Generation, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio, TV: Twice Upon A Time, & Comic: The Twist)

This concept is extremely important in Comic: The Boy With The Displaced Smile, the story is about a scared and lonely child being used by a space parasite. The Doctor and the woman he teams up with here are able to help through empathy and understanding of the child. The Doctor comments on how to help him, and the others notice this comes from experience. This shows The Doctor as lonely and sad, and still very much carrying this out of time wounded part in him.

This is referenced in TV: Face The Raven,

“Clara: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me.”

Noting he can’t handle being alone, that he needs people to be able to regulate, this invokes the topic of Co-regulation. The Doctor has difficulties with regulation and his behavioural management becomes more reckless when alone I think that the idea of lacking self-regulation and often needing outside influence is applicable.

In Comic: Relative Dimensions The Doctor faces the Celestial Toymaker again who’s pocket dimension is slowly falling apart. At this point, the Celestial Toymaker is afraid to join with the normal universe. They use the TARDIS to form him a new sealed off toy room, and The Doctor leaves him to continue playing without any push back.

“Doctor: I had to help him, Clara. Can you understand?

Clara: Let me see-- A lonely god drifting through time and space in his magic toy box? Yeah, I understand Doctor. All Too Well.”

The Doctor has depression, this is something clear in this Doctor. (TV: Listen, TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Dark Water/Death In Heaven, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, Comic: The Boy with The Displaced Smile, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

He experiences hopelessness tied in with some catastrophization,(TV: Heaven Sent, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: Eaters of Light, Comic: The Four Doctor, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

In TV: Last Christmas we see comments on this and general depression,

“Clara: Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare.

Doctor: Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank.”

The Doctor has an extremely poor self-image and it’s a sign of PTSD and depression. (TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Hell Bent, TV: Twice Upon A Time) In TV: Time Heist one clue that helps him work out the architect, who is The Doctor, is that he hates him.

“Doctor: I hate him. He's overbearing, he's manipulative, he likes to think that he's very clever. I hate him! Clara, don't you see?”

This shows that he just literally hates himself. It’s in very clear terms. In TV: Flatline The Doctor admits that Clara was very good at playing Doctor, but tells her that goodness is antithetical to being like him. Showing that he has trouble seeing himself and his actions as something good.

“Doctor: You were an exceptional Doctor, Clara.

Clara: Thank you.

Doctor: Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

In TV: Dark Water The Doctor is talking to Clara after she betrays him

“Clara: I don't deserve a friend like you.

Doctor: Clara, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm exactly what you deserve.”

This notes that he thinks that he is equally as hurtful as she was to him. Reflecting his poor estimation of who he is.

The Doctor has intense fatigue that permeates his Twelfth regeneration (TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon A Time).

In TV: The Girl Who Died The Doctor has a wave of exhaustion come over him when he realises he didn’t save Ashildr. He sighs harshly and sags visibly.

“Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing.

Clara: You didn't lose. You saved the town.

Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing”

We see these feelings crop up again in TV: Heaven Sent

“Doctor: Can't I just sleep?

Blackboard: Question 2. What did you say that made the creature stop?

Doctor: Do I have to know everything?

Blackboard: How are you going to Win??”

Doctor: Clara, I can't always”

And later

“Doctor: Can't I just lose? Just this once?

Doctor; Easy. It would be easy. It would be so easy. Just tell them. Just tell them, whoever wants to know, all about the Hybrid.

Doctor: I can't keep doing this. I can't! I can't always do this! It's not fair! Clara, it's just not fair! Why can't I just lose?”

Connected to this is and recklessness is that near the end of season 10 we pass the behaviour of being willing to get injured to actions that border more on suicidal actions ending with outright suicidal actions.

The Start of the most extreme actions is in TV: The Lie of The Land he uses up regeneration energy in a show of disregard for his possible future, but even more so tries to burn out his own brain, in a last-ditch attempt that likely won’t work to save other people. There were also alternatives to this, one, of course, would result in bills death, but it turned out it could be done without even putting himself in harm. This like the previous discussion of recklessness is self-harm directly and breaching into suicide.

Following this in TV: The Eaters of Light we see Twelve try and die again, while yes someone was going to lose his life, he would be in agony for many years longer than any other of them. There is no way he could have survived this action.

This culminated in TV: The Doctor Falls and TV: Twice Upon a Time where he refuses to regenerate. Refusing to regenerate is a Time Lord equivalent of suicide, as it is ending a life voluntarily. In TV: The Doctor Falls we also see him hold himself in the painful state of suspended regeneration and only putting it off in order to be kind. It ends with him trying to accept death by the cybermen and then refusing and yelling no trying to stop it from happening.

This refusal to regenerate becomes a crucial plot point in TV: Twice Upon A Time. The First Doctor is refusing to regenerate out of fear and Twelve is exhausted. Near the end Twelve discusses this, admitting to Nardole that he does want to die to due to the pain of his memories and grief.

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest?

Bill: Of course you can.

Nardole: It's your choice.

Bill: Only yours.

Nardole: We understand.

Doctor: No. No, you don't. You're not even really here. You're just memories held in glass. Do you know how many of you I could fill? I would shatter you. My testimony would shatter all of you. A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen. Thank you. Thank you both, for everything that you were to me. What happens now, where I go now, it has be alone.”

When at the end of this he does regenerate, this exchange and much of The Doctor’s action shows how suicidal Twelve became near the end. This also echoes sentiments from TV: Heaven Sent & TV: The Girl Who Died. These sentiments and suicidality are textbook depression, BPD & C-PTSD. It shows loneliness, fatigue, guilt, grief, memories, isolation, feelings of emptiness and attachment struggles.

A topic connected to this I find discussed often when people analysis the New Who Doctor’s, especially when talking about the thirteenth Doctor, placing Twelve as someone who has a linear path toward healing from grief and trauma. This point of view is usually framed as the stages of grief, so the thinking is this: Nine represents denial, Ten anger, Eleven bargaining, Twelve depression And ending with Thirteen as acceptance

I find this analysis to be deeply over-simplistic. [I've talked about it a few times on my Tumblr.] That analysis ignores much of The Doctor as a whole and has a frustratingly terrible understanding of trauma.

It only cares about the new who Doctors, even excluding the ones who participated in the time war which it purports to be analysing The Doctor as having mostly healed from through Twelves arc culmination in Thirteen being removed from the trauma and loss completely. But The Eighth Doctor and War Doctor both participated in the time war and had differing reactions to the trauma. It excludes that Nine had a lot of depressed and angry feelings, it would have Ten only be anger but we see textbook bargaining in Ten and also heaps of denial lying to Martha, Eleven is deeply angry and depressed. While I agree Twelve suffers from depression he has anger, and his depression engulfs him at the end meaning the transition from that depression is confusing just as ten’s anger is eating at him.

Legitimately healing would mean that the steps towards acceptance wouldn’t be the things getting worse for most. Even if you think it’s allegory then I wonder why Eleven wouldn’t have bargaining as something prevalent as the main characteristic seen by many.

The next part of this is that people seem to be seeing The Time War as the only important trauma and grief Twelve is dealing with. This is reductive, likely part of people who see war as the only thing that can cause PTSD. I have discussed before that trauma starts building up with the first Doctor, The Doctor is classic complex trauma. But for this specific section, we are focused on the traumatic experience that happens close to his regeneration and during it.

As I discussed before Trenzalore is a war that Twelve experienced directly before he began, something that would explain the heightened distaste for soldiers and war Twelve has even more so than elven. Which shows to me that Twelve along with having just differing reactions it’s likely something retraumatized him in a similar manner.

The episodes of extreme injury The Doctor suffered are enough to trauma on their own. Examples include having his energy sucked (TV: The Witch’s Familiar), being in the vacuum of space and going blind (TV: Oxygen), and Burning his brain up twice (TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World/Lie of The Land).

Many traumas are experienced directly by Twelve. The standout experience is during TV: Heaven Sent. Twelves experience four and a half billion years of torture. This is done by his own people, people whom he saved and spent years wanting back and looking for. They hurt his friend in this process as well, the pain this causes most have been deeply traumatic. Another part of this is that The Doctor stayed in this torture chamber and let himself be hurt over and over when as he comments he could have given in. It’s a willingness to experience extreme pain, to try and retain some control, and possibly save Clara. But as Clara says in TV: Hell Bent she was dead and this in and of itself was trauma, combined with the guilt of having harmed others through it.

The loss of his friends and the way it’s tied to his own choices is traumatic as well. (TV: Face The Rave, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls). River Song is also seen for the last time in The Doctor’s timeline here which is another loss and could be re-traumatizing from experience dating back to Tenth Doctor. (TV: Husbands of River Song)

Seeing all this shows that The Doctor is still experiencing Complex-Trauma and this happens on top of his already existing C-PTSD. The perception he is healing or starting to accept can also be seen as him having “the most” PTSD whereas I also disagree with this, he just has another way of showing his PTSD as well as BPD.

Lastly in the subject of I think common views on him being near healing is saying that his regeneration is one of accepting and wanting to move forward.

Usually, people who hold this viewpoint at his ending message to the next Doctor;

“Doctor: You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish. and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind... Argh! But nobody else. Nobody else, ever. Laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor, I let you go.”

But I think pulling only this last part misses much of regeneration story,

First paying attention to the pieces of dialogue I noted before when talked over fatigue, grief and suicidal ideation,

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest? ”

Then right before the speech to thirteen, when he actually finally chooses to regenerate it’s not a moment of acceptance at all.

“Doctor: Oh, there it is. The silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill.

TARDIS: beeps, flashes and burbles

Doctor: Yes, yes, I know. They'll get it all wrong without me. I suppose one more lifetime wouldn't kill anyone. Well, except me.”

What I think this actually shows that when he regenerates he is doing it out of obligation to protect the universe. He is literally choosing to regenerate because “They'll get it all wrong without me”. When he says “Doctor I let you go” I don't believe it’s necessarily a statement of hope and healing, but more part of the Identity Construction of The Doctor being apart from him, and yes passing the torch, but the torch of being there for the universe for others.

Choosing to continue living out of obligation to others, even if in reality he just wants to die as he is, as himself. Even within the story as I’ve talked about there are more accepting regenerations. The Third, Fourth, Ninth and Eleventh Doctor’s are all more accepting of the change. Twelve himself’s more honest version he presents of who he is and what he’s been through could be connected to a Doctor who had to stay in the wake of his actions.

Overall Twelve displays a great deal of struggle with mental health, Flashbacks, Hyperarousal, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, fatigue, unstable beliefs, constructed identity, traumatic implicit programming, agitation, recklessness, attachment issues, enmeshment, low self-confidence, self-injury and suicidal ideation. This regeneration has a gruff and more honest projection of himself and is more honest about his own difficulties, with Clara mostly. This Doctor is interesting as someone who lives in the wake of some of the lowest actions of Eleventh regeneration as well as the highest moment of saving Gallifrey.

Using the lens of trauma I believe we can get a lot of insight into Twelve's character and help understand this character who is often viewed in a reductionist manner.

[Also Posted on my Archive of Our Own page in a series with the other doctor study posts]

#the doctor study #fandom: #dw #doctor who #new who #nu who #character: #Twelfth Doctor #The Doctor #Missy #The Master #Clara Owald #Bill Potts #Ashildr #Ohila #topic: #Character Study #meta #character analysis #post traumatic stress disorder #ptsd #cptsd #bpd #nd headcanons #ptsd headcanons #dw meta #doctor who meta #doctor who headcanons #dw headcanons #relationships

[tonotbelionized]

Yang’s Mental Health: You Left Us! Why?

Yang Xiao Long, our sunny little dragon, is a character that has a lot of emphasis on her character being that there’s more to her than meets the eye. While she may seem like a carefree, badass boxer with a love for adventure and the unpredictability of it, we as the audience are shown quite early on that she does deal with a lot more beneath the surface.

Even before her amputation and later development of PTSD, we are shown that Yang actually isn’t as happy all the time as she appears to be, and is shown to be deeply affected by the absence of her biological mother; Raven. We’re given a sense that she has trouble actually talking about her problems, even with her sister Ruby or her friends.

So let’s see how deep into her psyche her problems lie, and how the show goes about dealing with these issues that threaten that damper out her fire.

Yang’s Abandonment & Trust Issues

Abandonment and difficulty in trusting people go hand in hand with Yang. It’s not that she has difficulty in growing bonds with people, as we see that she’s open and friendly even to people that she’s never met before, an offset to Blake who’s issues are more trusting people in general.

However, just because Yang can still make bonds with people easily doesn’t mean she expects them to last. It’s explicitly shown in her song regarding her feelings of Blake leaving, All That Matters. She never thought that Blake would always stay with her, because eventually everyone does leave, and the important part of that song is that Yang never asked Blake to commit because of this fear.

Even when she braced herself to what she believed to be an eventuality (everyone she loves leaves her), Yang admits in the song that she never would’ve expected Blake to leave her like she did. When Yang was at her lowest, Blake left without saying a word, and that just cuts her deeper because she was never told why Blake left. It’s the exact same as Raven not giving her a reason for leaving either in Yang’s mind, and to handle with that loss in friendship, Yang falls back on old habits. She clearly shows anger to mask the fact that she’s feeling lost and upset, only letting herself grieve when Ruby’s left the room.

Being abandoned at birth by Raven, and later losing her maternal replacement Summer, at such a young age meant that Yang would have had to rationalise this loss in her own way. Her behaviour both in her later life and from the tidbits we’re given in her conversations with Taiyang can help us see how Yang actually coped with it.

Given that Ruby was old enough to have solid memories of her mother, which doesn’t happen until the child is around five years old, so Yang would’ve been seven at the earliest with Summer’s death. With a child at that age, there are many different ways that they would process the loss, but it would only in limited ways because they are still trying to understand the concept of death overall. The ones that I think apply to Yang the most are:

May conceal their loss

Being irritable, having more tantrums, or developing aggressive behaviour

Looking for the person who’s died

With concealing her loss, we can see Yang doing that exact thing in the actual show. She rarely talks about Raven until she talks to Blake in Volume 2, and it’s implied in her annoyance at actually talking about her with Taiyang in Volume 4 that they weren’t really allowed to talk about this loss before. It’s even worse with Summer Rose, as Yang only talks about her when talking to Blake and in passing comment with Weiss in Volume 5, but both their losses still affect her.but the fact that Blake left so soon and without even saying a word while Yang was at her lowest meant that she 

Her aggressive behaviour is shown even before she developed PTSD. While she’s pretty laid back while fighting, she does quickly jump to violence with her fight in Junior’s bar in her trailer, and that she is quickly prone to angry outbursts at the slightest annoyance. It’s so much part of her character that Cinder takes advantage of it to pit her against Mercury, her previous outbursts with Neon meaning that it’s not hard for the people watching to assume Yang is that violent. 

While Raven didn’t die, her absence is basically the same thing because she isn’t there, and Yang had never seen her until her time in Beacon. Her desire to look for her biological mother pushed Yang to take Ruby and put her in danger when they are attacked by Grimm, and Yang acknowledges herself that her push and want to find Raven almost got her and her little sister killed. This is the only one that Yang seems to have moved on by herself, as she never allows her mission for answers control her life or put people she loves in danger again. 

While it’s not Taiyang’s fault that he fell into a deep depression after that, we do have to acknowledge that he didn’t help Yang through this loss emotionally. Without someone to help her rationalise and develop healthy coping mechanisms to handle her negative emotions, Yang has been left to deal with these problems alone, and that’s led to her doing so the only way she knows how; by simply ignoring them or letting them fester as anger. It’s the same problem I’ve highlighted in my Mentality of Adam post, a child that isn’t given guidance is at danger of becoming lost.

Yang’s PTSD

Before we go into depth about Yang’s PTSD, I would like to mention that there is a difference in PTSD and C-PTSD, or Complex Post-Traumatic Disorder, because that’s the main reason why I don’t connect with some of Yang’s struggles. We both have different forms of this disorder.

The main difference that has to be said is that PTSD is from a singular moment of trauma, like a natural disaster or a single moment of violence. In Yang’s case, her PTSD is caused by her dismemberment by Adam, a singular moment of trauma that continues to haunt her long after the incident has happened. C-PTSD is caused by ongoing cases of extreme violence and stress, such as childhood abuse, leading to victims experiencing particularly intense symptoms.

Moving on, PTSD is one of the central obstacles that Yang has to learn to live with, given that she was very much pushed to the background in terms of development compared to the rest of Team RWBY, at least until her fight with Mercury. At the beginning, we are clearly shown that Yang suffering from multiple symptoms of the disorder; nightmares, flashbacks that trigger panic attacks, insomnia, easily irritable and angered, temporary detachment from Ruby after she lost her arm.

This aspect of her mental state is given a lot of screen time, and Yang is never shown to just get over her fears. Even after trying on her new arm and getting back some of her old self confidence, Yang still shows that she has problems to deal with because of this disorder. She is easily angered whereas before, she could have be in high tense situations without losing her cool that much, especially in Weiss and Blake’s argument in Volume 1 and her talk with Blake in Volume 2. Now, Yang is shown to even snap at her friends when she’s stressed, and her hand shakes as a visual medium to show when she’s starting to get into highly stressful situations.

This even carries on into Volume 6. Her behaviour deteriorates not just because of her PTSD, but also because of the Apathy in the farm, and we see that she still suffers from flashbacks of Adam. When Blake tries to comfort Yang and instead accidentally oversteps her boundaries, Yang is easily offended and brushes Blake off, still showing that easily irritable side that hasn’t quite been dealt with. 

When she finally faces against Adam, she’s obviously in a better space mentally than she was in the beginning of her arc, but that doesn’t mean that her PTSD has now been fixed because you can never fix a mental disorder, you can only manage it. And it shows in their fight. When Adam brings up what he did to her in Beacon, Yang falters, she’s clearly stressed from her hand shaking, but now she’s been taught how to deal with that fear without losing her temper or by buckling under the pressure. As much as I personally deride the hand holding scene with Blake, I will give it credit in that the grounding effect it would have on Yang would help her control that overwhelming sensation PTSD can bring out. 

I continue to hold hope that the writers won’t know push it under the rug just because Adam is dead, given that they’ve treated Yang’s arm as a good replacement without showing how much having a prosthetic affects her, not only mentally but physically as well. PTSD and amputation are not interchangeable. 

Yang as an Unreliable Narrator

There are only a few ways to learn of a character’s backstory and childhood; we either see enough ourselves to put the pieces together, or the character tells someone, and by proxy the audience. This is the same for Yang. While we have only one flashback to show how Yang’s drive to find Raven put her and Ruby in danger, we mostly get the information from Yang herself, but that puts up a serious problem.

Because of the emotional impact the events had on her, Yang has become an unreliable narrator. That’s not to say that she’s completely lying, it’s obvious that Taiyang was severely depressed after losing Summer and Raven, but trauma and mental illness can mean that a person recalls their past in a somewhat tinted way. Not quite completely incorrect, but morphed slightly from the truth.

Yang felt completely alone but we know that Qrow and Taiyang were there for her in terms of helping to raise Ruby and meet Yang’s physical needs, but she has clearly felt that she couldn’t rely on the grown ups in her life for emotional support. Because of this, she has gone to simply burying her feelings on the subject and being there emotionally for Ruby whenever she needed it. A hint at how skewered her perception is, or perhaps the fault of the writers, is what she said to Weiss during their talk.

“My mom left me. Ruby’s mom left too. Tai was always busy with school and Ruby couldn’t even talk yet. I had to pick up the pieces. I had to keep things together. Alone.”

A small mention to the Ruby line. It might be intentional, or a result of the writers keeping the timeline very vague and as such impacting the story, but Ruby would’ve been talking if she was old enough to remember what Summer Rose looked like in that amount of detail. Children start talking when they’re eighteen to twenty-four months old, and Ruby would’ve been older than that. 

The main thing with this quote is how Yang deals with Summer Rose’s death. She puts it in the same frame of mind as Raven leaving, despite the fact that Summer didn’t willingly choose to die. It paints Yang with a severely impacted mental state that she can’t emotionally distinguish between someone willingly abandoning her and someone dying on a mission. As a result, we can’t distinguish enough accurately what actually happened or what is being recalled through Yang’s view.

What she says also goes against what canon established beforehand. We were told that Taiyang was overprotective by Ruby’s shared empathy over Penny’s father being overprotective to her, we know that the two girls have a good relationship with their father through their interactions and their reaction to Tai sending Zwei through the mail. Not only that, but Tai was competent in raising the girls enough that Yang had to wait until he left the house before she could go looking for Raven.

These contradictory statements on Taiyang just shows that Yang is not at a good place emotionally to give the audience a clear picture of what her childhood and her father really were like, and that’s not Yang’s fault. As I said before, she was never taught how to handle these negative emotions properly because Taiyang was struggling with his depression, and because of this tragedy, she’s internalised the grief as well as she could. Unfortunately for Yang, this trauma has morphed her personality but her memories too.

Edit: Also another point that I just had to add on, memory in and of itself is extremely unreliable. Most often we remember how we felt with trauma, not exactly what happened, and that leads to a biased perception on a series of events.

That’s the basis for Yang and her mental state, and given that the main source of her PTSD has been dealt with, we can hopefully see a proper resolution with her dealing with these negative coping mechanisms and become more open about her feelings with her friends. 

Thanks for reading guys, see you all later!

#rwby #crtq #yang xiao long #post: mine #I really really love yang as shown on my tier list so #I had to give my baby dragon some insight #especially with volume 7 incoming and we hopefully see her recover more #also I hope they remember that her arm is not just a cool upgrade and should actually impact on her life outside of her ptsd like please

[ahopefuldoubt]

Notes: “Memory and Reunion”

I decided to go through my “PoE Drafts” folder on my laptop, and while doing so I rediscovered these old and previously unposted notes from all the way back in May 2016.  None of the points below are honestly really new (my “Deliver Us” scene analysis from September 2016 borrowed a lot from these old notes, for example).  But I’m posting them partly because I’ve been worried that I’ve hit a creative block, and because it’s nice to see/affirm some of my earliest thoughts and feelings about the biological family (...and how things came full circle well yes “full circle,” but also evolved and expanded — wow it really did take a long time for me to figure things out and “open the box,” as it were).

In the official art book, writer Charles Solomon observes that “by making childhood experiences a significant force in The Prince of Egypt, the filmmakers enrich the characters and their changing relationships.”  This statement has stayed with me; it makes sense from a real reunion standpoint because adoptees and their families are confronted with the past as they work with the shifting realities and demands of the present.

In the film, the day that Yocheved relinquishes Moses drives the way in which the siblings individually process the adoption and reunion as well as interact with one another.  Although Yocheved is physically present in just the beginning scene, by honoring her memory, she remains an integral part of the entire story.  In order to understand the personalities and perspectives held by Moses, Aaron, and Miriam, it is important to first identify each character’s memories of that day.

Moses’ memory is subconscious; after all, he was a small infant when he was relinquished.  Yet the movie shows that he has an imprint of his mother’s lullaby, since he is able to whistle a bit of the melody.  I know that the source material sees Yocheved in a more active role in her son’s life after she surrenders him — she becomes his wet-nurse — but in The Prince of Egypt there’s no indication of this.

Moses’ subconscious impression of the song represents his entire origins: They too are unknown to him.  Secrecy is a common and complex issue in adoption, even for adoptees who know they were adopted.  This is because adoptees’ histories, and the people who can tell them about their histories, are largely unavailable or inaccessible.  As a result, anything and everything can feel like a secret.  The lack of information can create a sense of rootlessness and unreality; frustration at simply not knowing certain kinds of personal information, such as medical history; and a negative self-perception.  While identity struggles are universal, some of the issues and questions that arise for Moses reflect a distinct lived-reality for adoptees.  Moses’ arc involves confronting the secret that was withheld from him, resolving issues of guilt and self-worth, and negotiating his relationships with his families.  His character and journey are directly influenced by his subconscious memory of that day.

By contrast, Aaron’s lasting memory is a painful, incomplete one.  Even if not sharply remembered, his sense of that day includes running urgently through Goshen amid shouts and violence, and then watching his mother cry and his baby brother disappear.  Throughout the opening scene, his expression and actions reflect confusion and insecurity: At various moments, he stays close to his mother, looks to Miriam and reaches for her hand, for answers and reassurance.  The scene focuses more on Miriam’s face, actions, and reactions, which are of course vital to our understanding of the plot, but this also makes it difficult to discern how these events are affecting Aaron.  Yet, it is also necessary to depict Miriam in the “lead” in this scene because it hints at the two characters’ dynamic as adults.  Aaron’s position as a protective, but younger, brother to Miriam is essential to understanding him, his motivations, and his attitude towards the reunion.

Many of the official materials for The Prince of Egypt note that Aaron represents the skeptical and mistrustful side of the Hebrews.  This idea is carried through on multiple levels: the broad, collective scale and the intimate, character-specific sense.  Aaron symbolizes and verbalizes the frustrations and concerns of an entire people, and it is this skeptical and guarded nature that guides how he himself approaches and processes his reunion with Moses.  Assigned this role by the filmmakers, Aaron naturally becomes the character who feels all the bumps along the road and is made to break in some ways.  He bears the traumas of slavery and of that day by the river, which are shown in the way he responds to potential threats and the actions he takes to survive.  However, these very challenges also allow Aaron to display the depths of his devotion to his family and ultimately deliver the message that “though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill.”  Though perhaps more subtly depicted in the film, the effects of the day Moses was relinquished are no less impactful for Aaron: His character and arc are deeply shaped by the chaos of that day.

Finally, Miriam’s memory is a hopeful one because she pursues her baby brother as he is carried on the Nile and then watches the queen pick him up.  Her memories of that day, so different from Moses’ subconscious memory and Aaron’s painful memory, provide a solid foundation for her faith and hope.  While Aaron represents his people’s doubts and he is initially resistant to Moses as a result, Miriam expresses her people’s prayers and she has accepted and trusts Moses even before they reunite by the well.  Their differences work on both a film-wide, thematic scale and a more intimate, character-based level.  [Italics added - but I would delete “as a result.”]  Truly, it is Miriam’s complete picture of the day’s events that allows her not only to retain hope, but to plan and incite action, provide a balance to and safeguard for Aaron, and help Moses become aware of himself and achieve a whole sense of self.  Though she too experiences setbacks, Miriam’s lasting memory and knowledge are indispensable to the story and her family’s reunion because she is able to be the natural leader and guide for her brothers (and people).

The well scene marks the first major moment in the reunion.  As the siblings interact for the first time since the day Moses was relinquished, the impact of their individual memories becomes apparent.  Each character is acting according to what they remember, and do not remember, which creates conflict and confusion, as the past is dragged into the light.  One of the major themes of this part of the movie is “changing realities.”  Realities that were taken for granted change and are challenged amid and as a result of this scene.  Reunion forces people to confront the adoption and acknowledge that it occurred.  [Italics added — This sentence is probably out of place because, like I wrote at the top of this post, this is just a draft.]

At this point in the movie, Aaron still perceives Moses as a threat.  He is Prince Moses.  This is reflected in the way he [Aaron] acts: that intake of breath, his panic, his dialogue.

Miriam is the only one with the knowledge, but even then, she is missing a critical piece of information, which is that Moses wasn’t told he was adopted.  Miriam, however, presses on, ignoring the unexpected new reality in favor of the one she knows is right: the truth; the bit of the past that once bound them together as a family, the piece of information that Moses has the right to know.  And Miriam, armed with her childhood memory, is the only sibling who can provide that information to Moses.  [I’ll clean this annotation up later: I’m thinking about the word ignore and hope that it comes across the way I intended.  Because I don’t think that Miriam is being naive, or anything along those lines that the word may connote, but I do feel that she is distraught and upset enough that she can’t accept what’s happening.  She can’t, perhaps doesn’t want to, believe it.  *worries incessantly and needlessly*]

All three characters have their “normal” disrupted in this scene.  They are presented with a different reality than the one they had known.  It dredges up the past: that untrustworthy memory (Aaron), that hopeful memory (Miriam), that subconscious memory (Moses).

[The end of an incomplete — but still really long — draft!]

#the prince of egypt #miriam #aaron #moses #adoption #reunion #new stuff #but it's actually really old stuff!! #poe analysis #my writing #this is... healing ngl #a few annotations added in brackets

[thewestmeetingroom]

The West Meeting Room - Everyone is an Artist: A Conversation with Adeyemi Adegbesan Transcript

SPEAKERS Jessica Rayne, Zoe Dille, Adeyemi Adegbesan (AKA Yung Yemi)

Jessica Rayne   Hello! And welcome to The West Meeting Room. We are broadcasting from Hart House and you're listening to CiUT 89.5 FM. And we're grateful to be taking up space on Dish With One Spoon Territory. I'm Jessica Rayne, Program Associate at Hart House and I'll be your host for today's show, along with my colleague Zoe Dille. Today we'll be discussing art, community and mentorship with Yung Yemi, Toronto-based photographic artist whose practice aims to examine the intersectionality of Black identity. Yung Yemi uses his art as a way of weaving together his connection with his community. He brings us into his creative process where he remixes and samples history with reimagining of the future. We are delighted to have Yung Yemi join us in conversation and take a closer look at his art and the work he's been doing with community. We are also excited to have him engaged in the Hart House Black Futures and Youth Access Programming. If you have not seen Yung Yemi’s work, be sure to follow him @yung.yemi on social media.

Jessica Rayne   So you know, we're so happy to have you Yemi be a part of this. You know, we've been talking since last year around what we can do together. So I'm glad that we get this chance to speak with you. So just to start off, it would be great just like introducing yourself to the world or the listeners that would be listening to this. Like what do you do? How do you describe what you do? Who you are?

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Well, first of all, I appreciate you guys having me on. It's great to be here with you guys today. So for the listeners, my name is Adeyemi Adegbesan. I'm a Toronto-based visual artist. I guess the main theme of my work is Afrofuturism and, and Pan Africanism. And I work in a number of different disciplines. I work with photography, illustration, and I'm getting a little bit into sort of mural making and some sculptural stuff as well. And I guess my background, artistically, I guess, is in photography. I spent a number of years as a commercial photographer before I started sort of going down that path. And before that, I was a youth outreach worker. So it's been, it's been an interesting journey in my adult life. But I'm very, very happy to be here and very, very honored that I get the opportunity to do this and make a living doing what I love.

Zoe Dille   So you, you mentioned a whole lot of things there. But funny enough, I'm listening to you, and I'm like, they all kind of connect in a way, right?

Adeyemi Adegbesan   So yeah, there's definitely a common thread of commonality between where I've been and where I'm at now. It's definitely, it hasn't been like, you know, a traditional path by any means. But um, it's, from my perspective, it's just felt like a pursuit. Like, I've just felt like I've been sort of, sort of chasing a vision for a long time. And I, like again, I just like, I just have a lot of gratitude in this moment, because I feel like I'm a lot closer to it now than I ever have been in the past. But yeah, when I, when I look at all the steps that it took to get here like it, it does make sense, you know. Even though I'm sure like, you know, from another perspective, it might seem like sort of like a random hodgepodge of different endeavors like, it makes sense once it, once it gets broken down.

Zoe Dille   For sure. I mean, I will just say about tradition, I think it's highly overrated. S that’s ok that you did your own path. So we are, we are still in the official decade of African peoples. And you mentioned Afrofuturism and I wonder, I mean, there are a lot of different takes on it. But from your perspective, what does that mean and how do you describe it and in what ways does that kind of help to inform your art work?

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Well, um, yeah. There are a lot of different takes on it, I think. I think like in, in the early 90s, there was like sort of a definition that got popularized, which is basically like this - it was, it was sort of simplistic. It was like traditional sci fi sort of from like a white Eurocentric perspective, but just appropriated by Black people. And it like, it, I guess that makes sense. But it's like, it's sort of, it's very simplistic. But I think like, over the last couple of decades that definition has become a lot more nuanced. And like, you know, here in 2020, the working definition that I'm working from is basically like, it's a fantasy sort of realm, but it's based on African, African and Black spirituality, and sort of, I guess like a reverence for the ancestors’ ancestral knowledge. But yeah, it's positioned in this sort of fantastical, futuristic realm. And, like, the value of that is that it's, it's just a really free creative space. Um, I think like, a lot of Black art gets, like, especially once it gets into the institutions, and you know, the high art galleries, it gets, at times, it gets, like, hyper literalized. And that, and that's cool because it imparts a lot of knowledge of, you know, African culture. And that's an amazing, important thing. But the flip side of it is that it can become somewhat restrictive. In terms of like, the, I guess, just the imaginary, the creative aspect of, you know, of art that I think a lot of people, a lot of just, you know, common people really appreciate. And Afrofuturism kind of like provides a platform for that type of art, that type of creativity that doesn't have necessarily a textbook definition. It doesn't have like a - it doesn't need to have like a super specific historical connection or historic context. It can, it can really just be a place of pure expression, much of the way that hip hop was like, in the late 70’s, and early 80’s. It was just kind of like a breath of fresh air. Where in a culture where people have become heavily jaded towards, you know, modern music and pop cultural music, it was just like this new voice that was just like raw expression. And I think that's kind of like what Afrofuturism as a genre is offering right now in terms of art creation.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Yeah, I mean, you mentioned a lot there. But two things that stuck out to me is like, just this sense of possibility that you have when you think about Afrofuturism, right. And that is the kind of fantasy part, but then it's not all just like something that's out of this world that's totally unattainable, because it is entrenched in this ancestral knowledge and in this self-knowledge of African peoples. And so I think, and we'll talk about this a little bit later on, but I think this is something that is like so needed at this moment, you know, for us to think about all the possibilities and all the strength and all the power and and  knowledge that African peoples and African civilizations hold for us at this really kind of critical time. But I will circle back to that in a bit. Jessica?

Jessica Rayne   Yeah. No, I just wanted to say, like, what you're saying Yemi is very important, I think because when we think about art as expression and a lot of the expression of our people could be sometimes, you know what I mean, a lot of community trauma, right? So a lot of questions through art sometimes are heavier or you know, kind of reflecting on that trauma and pain, often. But this - being able to experience this, and I know there's other artists out there as well that do this, but I mean, it's just Yeah, a fresh breath of air. It's inspiring. It's, it's unique. It's also trenched in kind of just your own identity, right? Like, there's something that it does when you watch, when you actually experience it, or you see your artwork around your African ancestry, right? So I think yeah, this type of art is definitely very important. Even people who are not so into, you know, the, I won't even say, futurism ideas, right. But what that, yeah - So, um, I wanted, Yeah, there's a few things there that I want to circle back on. So I guess, right now, I want to take it back to - you talk a little bit about your journey and how it wasn't really, you know, the straight and narrow path to becoming an artist doing what you're doing now. But I want to learn a little more about that. So what is your story? So take us back into like the time that you -  what sparked you, your passion for the arts? And then what was the journey like actually becoming an artist? Because I know, for a lot of artists, even though they are doing their craft, or doing the work, they may not call themselves an artist until a particular moment in time. So just understanding what that's been like for you, and how you've defined yourself as an artist and when that took place would be great.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Sure. Yeah, that's a - and I totally get that. I think, like, I think everybody really is an artist. But I guess, not everyone is an artist for their profession. And like, not everyone makes a living at it. So that's how I defined it for my, I guess, or just the sort of definition that I made for myself. Like that my goal was to make a living off of my art. So that's, I've always felt like I was an artist, but like, my, one of the things that drove me the most was to be able to make a living off of that art. And that's, you know, that's definitely tricky. Like, my pathway, there was, um, you know, it started - like, my earliest memories are just, you know, sitting in my living room or sitting in my bedroom drawing. Like my mom was a nurse. Like, I grew up with a single parent mother. She was a registered nurse. She worked nights most of the time. So I would be at a babysitter all night. And then I’d come home in the day. She was sleeping and I had to occupy myself. We didn't, we couldn't afford a television. So I - like pen, pencils, and paper was like my go to way of entertaining myself. So like, that's literally like my earliest childhood memories. I drew and painted like a lot all through elementary school up until high school. I took a little break in high school. I got really into sports and like being an artist, like drawing and stuff, like it really wasn't cool. So I took a couple years off from that. But um, you know, like in my late teenage years, I sort of got back into it. I started a little clothing line with a friend of mine. And, you know, we would put designs on T-shirts and hoodies and stuff like that. And then from there, I got into sort of like, graphic design, web design stuff. I started messing around with like video editing. And it was just like one thing after another. Like I tried tattooing for a little while. And like I didn't, I didn't even get into photography until about the age of like, around 28,29 is when I really started taking photography seriously. And I do, like I honestly think that if photography didn't work out for me, like I probably would have just been like, okay, like, this art thing really is not meant to be and I just have to find another path. But, you know, again, like I just feel so fortunate that like the photography thing like - I guess it was just a lot of things clicked once I started trying to look at the world through a camera lens. Like a lot of things just made sense. A lot of the learning I had done in the past for other artistic disciplines, I was able to apply it, apply that learning, that knowledge much more effectively through photography for whatever reason. And that it just opened up for me and that was the beginning of me being able to support myself with my art. And like once I got to that stage, It just allowed me to put all my time and effort and energy into what I was doing. I didn't have to, like moonlight or you know, do it in the evenings or weekends anymore. I could just like do it all day every day. And that, I guess that was sort of like a turning point. Like, my sort of life as an artist is like, centered around continued learning. That always, I always want to be learning, I always want to be picking up a new skill or a new, you know, just like putting time and effort to developing something new. So that's kind of how I got from photography to the place I'm at now is just by experimenting on a consistent basis and just trying to add new things into the mix all the time. Um, but yeah, that’s the pathway in a nutshell, I guess. Like I don't know, I don't really know how else to put it. But yeah, it's, uh, it's been like a really interesting path. Like, I don't have any, I don't have any art, schooling. I never went to art school or anything like that. But it's just a lot of tutorials and a lot of asking questions and a lot of trial and error. And it worked out. I had a couple of mentors, especially with photography. One, off the top, was a gentleman named Taha Muharuma and he's a really dope photographer from Toronto. His Instagram is @tahaphoto. He's just like a really dope street photographer. And he reached out to me, like, out of the clear blue, like, really early on, when I was starting photography. He just saw me on Instagram and just reached out and said, like,”hey, do you wanna go out and take some photos one day?” and I met up with him. And he taught me like, a lot of stuff about photography, you know, just really informally. But it had a huge impact on my development. And another person I definitely have to shout out is Jimmy Chiale. He's like a, he's an abstract painter. He's done, like, his work is all over the city, it’s very, very noticeable. And he, like, he's been a friend of mine for a long time, as well. And just like, he just has this raw creative energy, probably like the purest artist that I've ever been around. Like, it just, it just really flows out of him. And he just always encouraged me to pursue it. Like he, um, I wouldn't call him a mentor from a technical standpoint, because what we do is just like way way different from each other. But from an ideological perspective, like, he was definitely a mentor to me, just in terms of like, just do it till you figure it out. And like his story is amazing, too. You know, he immigrated here from Paris when he was like, you know, in his early teenage years. He was homeless for a little while and he went from selling his drawings and paintings at the corner of like Queen and Bathurst, you know, to having his own gallery space in Toronto a few years ago. It's just been like, an amazing journey for him as well. And, yeah, he's just always, like, throughout the course of our friendship, he's just always been really encouraging and supportive.

Zoe Dille   It's so inspirational, like, just to hear a lot of the things that you're saying, just to pick up on mentors - I mean, something we were, Jessica and I and others on our team were kind of just thinking about a bit - we were tasked with doing these introduction videos for, you know, some new students we were going to be working with, and we had some prompt questions, and one of them was around, like, “Who's your mentor? Or what's the importance of being a mentor?” And, you know, it just made me think a bit about all the people along the path of my life so far who have been important to me. So many of which don't even know they were a mentor to me, you know, or maybe were not the traditional, you know, “I'm going to teach you this craft, or I'm going to job shadow you,” it's just like, wow, I really aspire to have the values of this person or just kind of carry myself the way that this person does. So, super important. But, you know, so, first of all, I’m so not an artist. I'm still on the stick people. That's about where I began and ended my artistic - I'm creative in a thought kind of way, in a writing kind of way, but not anything I do with my hands or whatever. So to be self-taught, I always, you know, have a lot of respect for people who are able to, you know, have that as something that they just sort of pick up, as you mentioned. And then just thinking about you not having a TV, I also grew up pretty much without a TV, just because my parents were really stingy and they didn't believe in TV. Which I thank them for now because I got us all into music and just being outside and all of that, but to think about you, as a child being in the single parent home and almost you know what they call like a latchkey kid because your mom, as you said was working and you had like babysitters, etc… To being where you are now, where your work is really public, where you had this little - Jessica was gonna talk to you a little bit about the show she saw at Harbourfront that she did, but also your latest commission with the Raptors. Like, talk a little bit about kind of, you know, do you sit back at all and say like, wow. You know, do you have like a “pinch me” moment? You know, this latest thing, I saw your T shirt that you did for the Raptors and I was like, where do I get one of those? Which I'll still hit you up about later because I want one. But like how did that all sort of unfold? And you know, how do you feel about your work and being kind of connected to sports at this really pivotal moment with so much stuff that’s going on? And you know, Raptors I think are at the forefront of what's going on with NBA and social justice movement.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Yeah, honestly, like, again, um, I mean, this will become a theme throughout this conversation, I guess. But it's mostly, it's just gratitude. Like, I don't feel like a lot of like a direct ownership over my work. I feel like it's more of a process of channeling. So I'm just, I'm grateful when I get, when I get that inspiration and I'm grateful when it connects with people. I'm grateful when it resonates with people and I'm grateful when it finds its way into opportunities. Like the thing with the Raptors, you know, I'm, I, you know, obviously like growing up being super into basketball, I had like, I had the posters all over my wall. I had a big Damon Stoudamire poster on my wall. I had a big Vince Carter poster on my wall. So to go from that to, you know, to designing shirts specifically for the Raptors to where, you know, as you said, it like it is a super pivotal moment, you know, where they're not only athletes, but they're also embracing their activism and, you know, fighting for social justice. It's an incredible honor. And I'm so grateful to be here. But it's also, it's something that I don't like, I don't really think of it as my thing, as like I, you know, I have ownership over this action or this moment. It’s more just like I just happen to be like a conduit. I'm sort of in the right place at the right time to just channel some of these ideas and some of this energy and bring it over to this, this other space, you know. Um, so that's kind of, that's kind of how I look at it. And when I look at my life from that perspective, I just think of it as a very fluid experience. I'm not, I'm not super attached. Like I was 1,000% I was the definition of a latchkey kid, you know. I literally had a key on a string that I’d wear around my neck. But I like I don't think of it as you know, as this like, personal accomplishment really, like I don't. I just don't choose to view it that way. It's just, it's just more of a fluid experience. And I've had, like, I've had an amazing range of experiences throughout my life. I've been very, you know, growing up in a very low income family, like I've, you know, been to the food bank. I've, you know, had clothing donated to me. I've had that experience. And I, you know, I've been a youth worker. I've been in, you know, all kinds of communities working with young people across the city. And I've been in those experiences and I've experienced loss and I've experienced gain. And, you know, in the last couple years, I've had the great fortune, even to, you know, to get out of Canada and do some traveling. You know, I've been to Europe, I've been to Asia and just experiencing other cultures. And it's all just, you know, part of like one big fluid sort of existence, and I just try to focus on the gratitude of it, you know,

Zoe Dille   Mm hmm. Gratitude is super important and just a way of life. And I think something that people are somewhat waking up to, and since COVID, right. So hopefully, it will continue. But, yeah, I mean, I think it's, again, you know, you reference the posters that you had and being into basketball, and then being able to do this. I mean, it must be pretty amazing. I know. I don't know, Mark, Mark Stoddart that well, but I know he's also an artist. We did a little work with him a few years ago on an event. So it was, just it was really cool to see that both of you guys, you know, were sort of tapped to - do you feel like it was your work? Was that like more of a personal connection? Were they just drawn to your work? Was there a process of submissions for that? How did, how did that unfold?

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Well, yeah, like, I mean, I had a previously existing relationship with the team. Like I've been doing a lot of creative work for MLSE as a whole. Since say 2016 or 2017, I've been part of campaigns for like TFC, the Raptors, the Leafs, you know, even like I designed some of the season tickets for the Raptors last year. So like a lot of, a lot of different stuff like that. So they definitely were aware of who I was and what my style of work was. So I think it was just like, sort of like a natural connection when they, when this opportunity came up, and they started looking for people. And then, you mentioned Mark Stoddart. So I was able to bring Mark Stoddart in to work on this, on this project with me, and like, he's just, he's just an amazing artists. Like he's been, in terms of the Black community here in Toronto, like, he's, he's been a consistent presence, and a creative force in that scene, you know, since like it basically since like, the late 80s, you know, and, and also touching back on the concept of being a mentor, like, he's been a mentor to so many to so many young black artists coming up in Toronto over the past, you know, over the past 30 years, you know, so it was, it was amazing to be able to work with him on this project, because he's like, he's woven into the fabric of, of the black creative community here in Toronto. And it's just, you know, it's an honor to be able to work with him on it.

Jessica Rayne   You know, you mentioned your community work and engaging youth and you work community work, outreach worker, prior to getting your out art out there and making a living off of your art. So if you can talk a bit about that, like, tell us a bit about the work that you did what you do in the community, in the past, but also how you're doing it now on your approach to working with you, and what's the importance of art and creating art for youth? And I don't know if that's, that is how you were engaging with youth prior. But yeah, if you can just share some of that with us.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Um, yeah, absolutely. So like, my educational background is actually in social work. I have a BSW from Ryerson. And that kind of led me into, like, you know - in school, my focus was always on working with youth. Like in a social work program, you're kind of, you're encouraged to sort of pick, like a demographic to, to center your learning around. So I just, I just gravitated towards youth, I guess. I guess, because, you know, when I started at school, like I technically was still a youth, you know, so I don't know but for whatever reason, it just made sense to me, and I just kind of, like, I kept going with that. It started from working, just like summer camps and stuff like that. And transitioned to working after-school programs. And then into the youth outreach work. And yeah, like, my main methods for engaging with youth were always either art or basketball. Like, those are the things that I knew and that I could be sort of like openly passionate about. And that was just like, that was just a huge thing. Throughout my experience, you know, being a youth worker was just to be able to be authentic with the youth that I was working with. Because that's one thing that I learned very, very quickly is that the youth that you're working with will know immediately if you're not being real with them, if you're not being authentic with them. It's like, they just have like built in, a built in like radar, sonar, whatever, that just, like, tells them right away. So I, you know, I could, like, show them something, like, you know, create, like an art program with them or something like that. And like, they could see how into it I was and how like open I could be about it and vulnerable I could be about it. And that would I guess allow them to connect to me. And that was, that was always like a main drawing point. And yeah, like the work - like a lot of the time it was just like general outreach work, like just trying to trying to develop programming that would bring youth into the centers to develop, like they have drop-in spaces that could function as you know, just a place to hang out, but also some programming that could impart life skills and you know, just help connect them to other resources that would help in their own personal developments. So, you know, sometimes that was - it was a lot of art, it was a lot of basketball. Sometimes it was cooking. Sometimes it was like trying to bring a speaker in from youth employment services to speak about financial literacy or stuff like that. And the last couple of years of youth work that I did, I transitioned into working with newcomer youth. So I was working with Access Alliance for a little while. And that was, that was really, it was a little bit of a different experience. It was really eye opening because working with youth that were, a lot of them were like, newly landed. Many of them were refugee claimants and so forth. So I got introduced to this whole other side of things, you know, seeing like youth coming into the center, and they've only been in Canada for like, two weeks or something like that. I actually, you know, I witnessed some youth getting deported. Like the pain of like, you know, kids coming into center, and like their friend is gone on. It's a Tuesday and all of a sudden their friend is gone. It's like, what happened? And like, Oh, yeah, people came to their house last night and put them on a plane, and they're like, they're back in, you know, they're back in Iran, or back in Syria or something like that. And so that, that really gave me a new sort of perspective on life and how much value there is and how much privilege there is in, you know, for me to be here, to be a Canadian citizen and have this opportunity. So yeah, it's just, it's again, it just speaks to the range of experiences. It's, it was really a very eye opening and very humbling experience.

Zoe Dille   We were just chatting about gratitude before. And just based on what you've just said and everything you just said just now, as well as when you were talking, referencing sort of having to be authentic with youth, and how they can kind of sniff that out in a second when you’re not. But I would add that you know, empathy, having a lot of empathy, right, in your work as a social worker, and just as a human being. Like gratitude and empathy, they're good markers to steer you in being a good human being, right.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Absolutely, absolutely.

Zoe Dille   So just I wanted to ask you, actually, because earlier you mentioned about hip-hop being kind of like this liberating and very free form, and just kind of full of possibility when it was initially coming up in the 70s. And kind of linking that to Afrofuturism, how we think about Afrofuturism. And specifically with the Afro, the way that you kind of remade various hip hop women like your Lauryn Hills and your Erykah Badus and all of that in your artwork. I wonder if you could just speak about what made you - I mean I love those two - but what made you choose like those particular figures that you worked with in your artwork? And you know, what is it about those women that kind of made you create the work that you did?

Adeyemi Adegbesan   In a word, I feel like they're liberators, you know. I think music has been a huge influence on my whole life. It's been a source of inspiration. It's been a source of education. And when I do work around these musicians, I just try to honor people that have really had a profound personal impact on me. And through their own artistic creations, you know like Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu. Absolutely. I've done Fela Kuti as well, and a few others. And they're always just like people that I feel embody the same values, I guess, that I'm trying to convey through my work. So it's just trying to, like, sort of put those two things together. But yeah, like they, like those people have all been liberators. And I feel like the way that they live their life has been very unconventional, but just so profound at the same time, that it's just opened up a lot of space for other artists to come up in the footprints that they've created, you know. And that just means so much to me. So it's just like, it's just sort of like a way of honoring that, you know.

Zoe Dille   I mean, listen, those women are fierce. If you throw on Lauryn Hill's Miseducation of Lauryn Hill -

Jessica Rayne   Wooo! My fave! That was my first CD growing up. That was my first, I got a boombox, a CD player - I can't remember if it was my birthday or Christmas, but that's the CD that came with it and it was unbelievable

Zoe Dille   Maaan, listen. I rinsed that CD. And Erykah Badu Baduizm

Adeyemi Adegbesan   A hundred percent.

Zoe Dille   Yeah. I mean, those women are so fierce. And so I was just gonna say like, if you throw on any of those ladies’ stuff today, you're like, Wow, it is totally on point. It sounds like it came out today. It still hits you in the gut, and you know, you're always gonna remember it.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   A hundred percent. Yeah, it's really, it's like, it's timeless. Like, in the sense that it's a, it was, you know, obviously, it had a huge impact when it came out. But like you just said, like, when you throw it on it, you know, 20, 25 years later, it's still - Yeah, it has that same impact. And it's, it's wild to be able to imagine creating something like that as an artist. So, yeah.

Zoe Dille   Definitely. I mean, when Verses, I don't know if you watch Verses at all, but when it first started, and they had Erykah Badu

Adeyemi Adegbesan   And Jill Scott

Zoe Dille   And Jill Scott, yes! I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   That was, that was definitely a moment. That was so incredible.

Zoe Dille   For sure. For sure.

Jessica Rayne   I wanted to ask a question around something you mentioned earlier in the conversation about like, us being like, everyone is an artist. And if you can elaborate on that definition. You said that's the definition you kind of work with. That everyone is an artist, but some people decide to make a craft out of their art. Can you share that? Like, what's your philosophy, more about that philosophy?

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Well, like yeah. A hundred percent. I feel like everyone's an artist in the sense that like it, like having this innate creative ability is part of human existence. You know, it's part of, it's part of what makes a human, a human, I think. And I think everyone has that. Like, if you watch children play, like, most children have no problem, you know, if you give them some crayons and paper. Like, they'll do something with it, you know, before they're even aware of like what's good and what's not good, or whatever, like, evaluating it from that perspective. Like they can just innately produce something with those tools, you know, so I feel like everyone's an artist, on various levels. Like, we all have different things that we like to express, you know. Like, some people are musically inclined. Some people like to dance. Some people like to write. Some people like to draw. It really doesn't matter. I feel like gardening is an art form, you know. Like, it really doesn't matter. It's just, it's just how we express ourselves. Um, but yeah, like, there's a, I guess, a group of people that say, “hey, I want to take this to the next level, I want to do this all the time. And I want to generate the income that I need to live from doing this activity.” And that's just like, that for me was the sort of the challenge or the way I put it in my own head. It's nothing like, it's not to say that one person's art is more valuable, or more important. It's just like, I guess, taking on the added pressure and the added responsibility of figuring out how to make this as a living. And to be quite honest with you, like, I think for a lot of artists, a lot of young artists really focus on the craft and on the creative process. And rightfully so. Like, I think they, I think that should be the main focus, but I'll be honest with you. Like, I think the transition that takes you from, from that craft into a profession, a lot of times that transition doesn't happen because of skill level or because of creative output. A lot of times that happens because of just like, business acumen and work ethic and like really boring stuff that's, like, not fun to talk about. But like, that's one thing that I always try to impart on young artists when I'm talking to them or when I'm in a mentorship position. It's like, there's a lot of artists out there that make a living off of stuff that doesn't require a lot of talent, like flatly put. I'm not trying to shade anybody, but they have the, they've put in place the other aspects that you need to put in place to like make a business out of it, you know. And that requires as much attention, in some cases more attention than the actual creative process. Like I think it's, for a lot of young artists, it's a fantasy to just like, you know, do what you do and then just have somebody sort of come out of the clouds and say, “Oh, you're ordained as the next whatever. And we're just going to pay you like $500,000 a year to like to do this for the rest of your life.” But that's like, that happens about as often as people win the lottery, you know, or  probably less so. So most of the time, most of the artists that you see that are professional working artists, they just, they found something that they love doing. And then they said, “Okay, I'm going to build a business around this. And that, like, a lot of the time that they spend, a lot of their weeks are spent doing like non-artistic things. But they just, they're just committed and focused to do those things to support the opportunity to, you know, to put their artwork out to share with the world.

Zoe Dille   I think that's one of the takeaways, as you said, about anybody who wants to, whether you want to be a musician, or you want to be, you know, an artist, creative artist, is that, you know, like, at the end of the day, like, it is a craft and you have to put your time in to work on that. And to do that, like, you would never go out on tours as a musician and you hadn't rehearsed. Or you hadn't created new work, or you didn't, you know, have something. And it's the same thing, like you have to be always creating kind of new works. But at the same time, like if that is your, the way you choose to live your life and you want to just, you know, make a living and survive in this world, then you also have to put some time in and get serious about the other sides of, you know, having a business, like making a business out of your art. So it's not always as easy as you know, as you've said, as a lot of people maybe think that it is or that these sort of stories of overnight success, whether in music or in art, are few and far between. And frankly, I'm not sure there's such a thing as overnight success. Yeah,

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Yeah. Exactly.

Jessica Rayne   I know. You find out like the person that you're like, “Oh, my gosh, how did they do that so quickly?” Well, 20 years ago… you know, it always starts way back.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Exactly.

Jessica Rayne   So I know, we got to wrap up soon, because we're almost at time. I have a question that just came out on the fly. Like, I just need to ask it. But in terms of the work - you know, I went to your exhibit at Harbourfront. And just thinking of the process, specifically around how, I'm assuming there's a lot of research that goes into this too and that you've probably been through a journey of kind of understanding your identity and just creating, you know, a connection to the motherland, Africa, in terms of all of the like – when I look at an image that you've created, I see, you know, a lot of the artifacts and the hair and the meaning of, you know, the tribal symbols. And so, just understanding what has that part been like for you, because I'm making an assumption here, that you must have done a lot of research and just in understanding, I mean, you know, history.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, like, I, like I've spent most of my life like just trying to understand my heritage and trying to understand, I guess like, African diasporic heritage in a broader sense, you know. I think like, you know, growing up without, like, a direct connection to my African ancestry, because my father is Nigerian, but he wasn't present in my life. So I like, I really had to undertake that journey, you know, on myself. Like, my mother was always super supportive and always encouraged me to pursue that knowledge, but like, I had to kind of come about it for myself. So a lot of it is, has been a lot of, it has been reading and, you know, seeking out connections in my community and just developing it on my own. And then when it comes out, when it comes out in the artwork, it's just kind of like drawing off all these reference points that I've come across along that path. It's kind of just like different synapses firing and I just, I just kind of tried to weave them together into like a coherent sort of visual language that kind of encompasses all of the things that I've come across that have had meaning on my journey and in my personal learning. And I like I don't try to present it in a way where I'm trying to replace the function of a history textbook. Like I never create a piece and say, “okay, like, you're supposed to look at this piece and it represents exactly this and this and this” um, that's not really where I'm trying to come from with my work. It's more like, I just want people to have more of a visceral like emotional reaction to it. A sense of maybe, maybe a sense of pride or at least a sense of curiosity, where they want to dig a little bit deeper. Maybe they'll see a symbol in it that reminds them of something that they grew up with. Or maybe they'll just recognize it and be like, “Wow, I've seen that like three or four times now and I really, I need to find out what that is.” And then they'll look into it a little bit more on their own and just realize, Hey, this is what that means. You know, that's an adinkra symbol, for instance, or something like that. And that's kind of, that's kind of where I'm coming from, with the work. It's a process of re-mixing. My actual, like, technical process is a process of re-mixing. And also like, from an ideological perspective, it's re-mixing, it's sampling. It's very similar, I think, in a lot of ways to what hip-hop music is, in that sense. It's a lot of small fragments woven together. But I really want the entry point to just be like a visceral emotional reaction. Like the same way that a song comes on, and you just feel it. You're like, this is dope. You might not know that the first snare was sampled off of, you know, like this soul record from 1960 or whatever. You might not know that off the top. If it really means a lot to and you want to dig into it, and you start, you look up the producers, and you look up all the sample credits and blah, blah, blah. Like that's, that's what the superfans do. And it sparks like a journey of musical knowledge, right. But that same song can also work for a person that doesn't want to go that deep with it. They can just feel it on like an emotional level. Like you know, “this is my song.” And every time it comes on, it's just like a head nod thing. And it just plays in the background and it’s just like, Yo, this is dope. And I want to be able to connect with people on that level as well. Like, that's really important to me because I feel like in the communities that I grew up in, in the communities that have been a part of in my life, not everyone had the bandwidth. Like I've been around a lot of people in my life that survival is like at the forefront of their existence. Like that's a primary focus, you know. I've also been around people where survival is not a word that comes out of their mouth, it's not really part of the vocabulary as well you know. And so I know what that side of it looks like, but a lot of the people I connected with, especially growing up, like survival was at the forefront, you know. And if that's where you're coming from, you might not have the mental bandwidth all the time to go that deep with a piece of art or with a song that you like. But I still want people like that to have something to connect it to even if it's just like on an intuitive level you know.

Zoe Dille   You've just made me think about the Lauryn Hill picture in like even more of a different way when you're just talking about a re-mixing and sampling and this kind of layering and all these kinds of contexts. And it's just made me, in my mind's eye I'm seeing it like almost all over again. So that was really an awesome way to put it.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Aww that’s dope. That’s dope.

Zoe Dille   And actually I just went to look quickly at it because Jessica and I both have a copy of one of your prints. So I just went, Yeah, it's like, I don't, I don't know if there is a title?

Jessica Rayne   There has to be a name for it. So you had it at your event. It's the person who is like doing a shot? And then there's a dove flying over? What’s it called?

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Oh yeah. The full title is Let It Fly (Prayer for a Black Boy - Reprise). And it was based off like a earlier work. Like, that's actually a photograph. Like the guy in the shot, like that was part of the photographic stuff that I did for that show. So like, I actually, I created his costume. We went out. I think we shot that last October probably. And I had him, I had him just like go through the motions of taking a shot and I took that photograph. The dove was added digitally later on. But other than that, it's sort of unlike, for instance, the Lauryn Hill piece is like all illustrative and collage work. But that particular piece, like is mostly a photograph. But it was based on an earlier piece that I did that was more of like a collage, illustrative piece. Like the concept of shooting the dove like a basketball. Um, and, yeah, it just, it just kind of speaks to that experience I have, you know, a lot of, I just feel like a lot of young men put, a lot of young Black men put like a lot of hope into these very, like tenuous sort of career paths. You know like, whether it's basketball, or another sport, or music or whatever. It's like these things that when you break the numbers down, it's very unlikely. But at the same time these things, they give us hope. They give us something to sort of rally around. They give us, like if you're trying to become a professional basketball player and it doesn't end up working out, it might still get you into a school. It might still get you, you know, out of a bad neighborhood. It might still make you that one student that the teacher puts a little extra effort into. Um, I don't know, like I've just seen just in my personal experience, like I've just seen it do a lot of things for a lot of people even if the overall dream didn't work out. It still provided some hope and some positive energy that helped guide that person to a better place than where they were at. Yeah.

Jessica Rayne   Well, it is very inspirational this piece and I think like, it speaks to me in terms of just like, always take your shot. Like that's what it says to me. Like always - don't ever not take your shot. Amazing. So we are like, a bit over time. So we did you want to ask a few wrap up questions. Basically, I

Adeyemi Adegbesan   A hundred percent, a hundred percent.

Jessica Rayne   Amazing. So we are a bit over time. Zoe did you want to ask a few wrap-up questions?

Zoe Dille   I think the only one, what's next for you Yemi? And like where people who are interested in checking out your stuff, not just online, but like, where could they? I know you've got some street art and stuff. So what would you suggest? What’s the intro to Yung Yemi.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Unfortunately, I think like a lot of what I have planned right now is going to be online for the foreseeable future and just kind of like a result of everything that's going on with COVID. It's been like put on pause, like a lot of in person - you have physical gatherings and especially in the art world, like planning for those things - like a lot of things are moving on online as a response. Um, so in the immediate future, it's gonna be probably difficult to see my work in person other than like, I'm doing a mural right now at Artscape Launchpad. So that will be there in a physical space. But outside of that, probably the best way to experience my work will be online. But I am in the studio full time like creating. Like, I'll be creating a lot of new work this fall and then once things open up a little bit, I'm sure that I'll be able to connect some opportunities to, you know, to do some new exhibitions in a physical space.

Zoe Dille   And so going back to my Raptors T-shirt, where am I getting one of those?

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Okay so the unfortunate truth about that is like these were designed specifically for the players to wear. So there isn't a plan right now to make those available to the public. It was just really for the players to have something to wear in the bubble in Orlando and to express where they're at, to connect to the movement. So the short answer is they're just not available to the public. And that's very unfortunate. But like, there's an outside chance that maybe they might do like a run later on to raise money for a charity or something like that.

Zoe Dille   Okay. All right. I guess I have to suck it up for now.

Jessica Rayne   Well, yeah. This was great. Yemi, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us today. And we're looking forward to, you know, how we engage in the future at Hart House through the Black Futures program through the Hip Hop Education Program, the Youth Access Program. But for today, we are good. And this was a great conversation. Thank you so much.

Adeyemi Adegbesan   Absolutely. It's my pleasure. Thank you guys so much for having me on.

Jessica Rayne   Thank you to our guest, Yung Yemi. Thank you to my colleague, co-host Zoe Dille. Thank you Braeden and Day for helping produce the show. And most of all, thanks to you, our listeners. To find out more visit harthouse.ca or follow us @harthouseuoft. We're here every Saturday at 7am on CiUT 89.5 FM. And we post all of our episodes under Hart House Stories on SoundCloud. I'm Jessica Rayne signing off as your host for today. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.

#hiphop #hiphopeducation #liberation #storytelling #collage #illustration #photography #creativeprocess #wip #socialjustice #raptors #laurynhill #erykahbadu #artist #work #youth #connection #community #sampling #remixing #experience #journey #mentorship #afrofuturism #africandiaspora #identity #craft

[everyheard]

My mother's first smile in weeks since her emergency air-lift to the hospital of the University of Pennsylvania! 😉 I took this photo yesterday, post- #surgery at #HUP 🏥🤗 💕 I have been thinking hard about whether to share it publicly... Much of my mother's head had to be shaved, and I want to be respectful, but as my dad said, "It's just hair! I don't care whether they had to shave her whole head to help her get better~" ❤💐❤💐❤💐❤💐❤💐❤ Because everyone has been so supportive and asking about her well-being, I want to share this personal family story... My mother was born in Korea 🇰🇷 in 1953, when the country was torn into two parts by competing foreign powers. Korea was still suffering from shortages of food and medical care due to Japanese occupation for nearly 30 years prior... And my mother was just a babe when she and her four older siblings were suddenly orphaned. Since there was no one to take responsibility for her, she was placed in the care of a Buddhist temple. Unlike children who were taken into churches, my mother was not treated as a child button rather a baby monk in training. Some of her earliest memories are of having her head shaved and being draped in their clothing... Having converted to Christianity upon immigrating to the U.S. - she doesn't talk much about this now, but during my childhood, she tearfully processed the experience many times with me. For her children, my mother prayed a life in the United States would insure we always had the freedom to choose our own paths~ education, careers, beliefs... And so, it is very appropriate that all of this happened the SAME week that we voted to celebrate the American democracy 🗳🇺🇸 I pray that she can make peace with her old trauma around her hair. What once reminded her of losing her parents can now represent her healing and reuniting with her husband, children, and grandchildren ❤❤❤ I must add my most sincere appreciation to all the nurses, doctors, technicians, and other @pennmedicine staff who have watched over her in the ICU and patiently carried out this highly specialized #neuro plan of care. It is incredible to witness the work you do! We are so glad we chose Penn! 🙌 #aneurysm (at Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHQ0lBtDbVE/?igshid=col2tg3hv56i

#surgery #hup #neuro #aneurysm

[suchawonderfullife]

Update: My progress,pitfalls and EMDR therapy

I checked out of Hansa 73 days ago and recently hit the halfway mark between the day I left and the day I will return for round 2. The journey has been incredibly challenging. I have spent weeks upon weeks being made sick by my treatment, having to continually stop and start various or all remedies, to the point where I could only do 3 days on, 1 day off and still be feeling very ill. At times I was in tears and not wanting to do it anymore. I’ve had days where I was angry that this is my life and 90% of my day revolves around therapies, treatments and exercises. Then I felt guilty for that train of thought because I should be grateful to have been given this opportunity to get well. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard and I can’t vent at times though. 

After those turbulent and horrible weeks, something changed. I worked out that one of my liquid remedies and one of my tablets were both making me herx and I was taking them together in the morning. When I stagger them, I no longer get the same severe reaction. I worked out dosages that don’t push my body over the edge and I’ve just completed 5 and 6 days of treatment in a row, rather than my previous 3 days. 

I’m noticing many improvements as well. My stamina has improved. Everyday I have more energy. It’s not a tremendous amount, I’m not out running 5km or working a full day. But I can pace myself everyday to complete multiple tasks and it (so far) doesn’t make me really sick. I might run an errand and do a few chores around the house, or leave the house for half the day and still be able to come home and cook dinner. Doing those kinds of things consistently is not something I’ve been able to do for over 6 years. I would usually have to do one household chore and that would be my days energy, or I wouldn’t be able to leave the house AND do something around the house. My payback is far lesser as well. I’ve spent days where I’ve left the house for half the day, come home feeling quite exhausted, yet been fine or only mildly tired the next day. 

In regards to my energy, I also realised I have these periods of feeling “manic.” Just incredibly energetic and upbeat. This may last a few hours or half a day. I told one of my friends about my persistent “manic” periods and her response was “maybe you’re not manic though. Maybe that is what ‘normal’ feels like and you’re just not used to it.” That’s a cool thought huh? Because I’m not mentally unstable, I’m not having dips of depression, but these periods of high energy. Maybe that IS what normal feels like? I’ve lived the past 8 years constantly fatigued and unwell, so feeling ‘normal’ would be incredibly foreign.

I haven’t bitten my nails in several weeks. It’s as if my nervous energy has lessened dramatically. Usually, I bite my nails constantly and I could never help it. It was like a subconscious nervous energy I always had and no matter how hard I tried to not do it, I couldn’t help myself. I just don’t feel the urge to do it anymore. My liver and spleen haven’t ached in quite a while, I can’t remember the last time they did. I can’t think of any other specific improvements at this time, but I know I just feel overall better and am slowly improving every day. I still have symptoms that suck and days that I feel shit. But the overall picture is a good one. 

EMDR THERAPY:

Then I started EMDR therapy. My Hansa Dr recommended it due to my limbic system dysfunctions and experiences of various traumas throughout my life. My Dr commented that all chronically ill patients have limbic system dysfunction and that those who focus on repairing this recover far better than those who don’t. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing. Here is my very basic explanation (not guaranteeing it’ll make sense): You see a psychologist who is trained in this method. You bring up an issue or trauma you want to work on/deal with. After deliberation, your psych will have you pick an image of the memory you are referring to and to just hold that thought while they move their fingers or rod side to side in front of you and you must follow that motion with your eyes for around 30 seconds. Your psych will then stop and check in with how you’re feeling and any thoughts that came up. You do this several times and your mindset begins to change. What this exercise is doing, is the eye movement is making the memory blurry. Once the memory is blurry, your psych then helps your brain reprogram the memory in a more healthy and emotionally stable way. It sounds super weird, but here is a basic 2 minute video explanation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKrfH43srg8

There’s also this 7 minute video of it being done to a guy and I will tell you, I had exactly the same reaction as he did. It goes for longer than this and is a little more complex than shown: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpRQvcW2kUM

So I had my first session with my new psych and I went there in a very bad mood. I felt this resistance to wanting to do the therapy. Understandably too, because who wants to go to consecutive psych sessions just talking about the worst things that have ever happened to them, having to really connect with those memories and work through them? I realised I didn’t feel comfortable with that particular psych either. She was really lovely, but I felt closed off and unable to open up. It took me a few weeks to realise I should make the effort to find a new psych, to make sure I do this therapy right and to give myself the best shot at recovery. 

I booked in with a new woman and had my first session with her a few weeks ago. Luckily, we connected far better and I’m comfortable enough to keep seeing her. Our first session was just the typical get to know you, what’s your life story kind of thing. Then the second session we actually started some EMDR. I talked about how anger was a huge issue for me. My liver is my worst affected organ, which is where anger is stored. I am very reactive and easily triggered, yet I’m not aggressive or violent. My anger becomes something I store in my body and only comes out in passive aggressive bursts. My psych said that the way I deal with anger is something I learnt in my childhood and it would be great to work on something from my childhood that made me mildly angry, just to start. So I had to think of a memory that stirred mild annoyance in me. 

After a few minutes, I came up with a fight I had with my brother when I was maybe 10 years old. He called me fat and I called him a name back. I was hurt by being called fat, so when I went to tell my mum that he had called me fat, I wanted sympathy. Yet I got no sympathy and my mum took his side. Having my feelings dismissed made me angry and my psych pointed out that this would have been one of many situations that taught my inner belief of “I don’t matter.” Low self-worth is one of my limiting core beliefs I have learnt through childhood experiences. That’s not to say in this particular memory that anyone was in the wrong, it’s simply how my brain has interpreted the encounter and processed it. 

So we did EMDR for that memory. She moved the rod back and forth for around 30 seconds each time. At each break she’d ask me what came up. Sometimes my mind would wander off and she said that was fine. My annoyance towards that memory began to fade and the entire image of it in my mind became blurry and hard to remember. That’s when she would have me try and picture that memory and change the limiting belief of “I’m not worthy” to “I am worthy.” The more she moved the rod and I had that snapshot image with those words, I started to feel happy and empowered. After about 15 minutes of this entire exercise, I felt nothing towards that memory and my worthiness was a 10/10 (they do 0-10 and 0-7 scales throughout to gage your progress). 

I honestly was sitting there thinking “what is this witchcraft?” How did she just completely shift my mindset like that? That description doesn’t even do it justice and it was more complicated than that, it’s just very hard to describe. She also had me do a visualisation of a calm place to visit in my mind when I get angry. She had me visualise things in my current life that create a 5/10 annoyance, to really connect with them and then place myself in my ‘calm place.’ It totally worked, I no longer cared about those things. 

Today I had my third EMDR appointment. My psych asked me to write down as many memories I could think of that made me angry or upset. She explained that EMDR is not just for major trauma. We are shaped from a series of small events throughout our lives and it’s important to focus on these small things, just as much as the big things. So even the small argument with my brother and my mum taking his side, has helped shape the negative little voice in my head or taught me how to store and internalise my anger. Work through 30 of those tiny life events and I believe I’d be a whole new person. 

I came up with over 50 events that occurred throughout my childhood, up until the age of 18. Some things may have been a passing comment from 1 person in primary school that just stuck with me, teachers not treating me fairly, fighting with friends, being bullied, deaths in the family, instances of feeling left out, jealousy of a sibling and more. My psych read through them and said I had recurring themes around body image, abandonment and something else (can’t remember). So I need to email them to her in order of age and she will group them into themes. Then we will work through those themes. 

Today we worked on my earliest traumatic memory. This was both my nanna’s (grandmother’s) dying when I was 5. I don’t really have many memories of them or their deaths, but I just felt it may have been a contributor to my abandonment issues and may be trapped in my subconscious. In my first appointment with my psych where I talked about my traumas, I cried talking about losing both my nanna’s. I was really surprised that it made me cry and she said there was obviously some pain there. 

This time she asked me what I could remember about their deaths. There wasn’t much, but the most prominent was the morning my nanna died, I was lying in bed and I heard my parents bring my pop home. I remember hearing him coming in the door crying, almost wailing with grief. My thought at the time I heard that was “she’s died.” I knew that meant my nanna was gone. My psych asked me to think really hard about that specific time and hearing the sound of my pop like that and it made me cry. She asked how that made me feel and I said I felt sad for him and could feel his despair. She pointed out I may have also felt helpless, being 5 years old. Connecting to that memory she started the EMDR, moving the rod from side to side. I had tears rolling down my face as I kept the image and sound in my head as best I could and watched the rod. 

She stopped and started the rod several times, checking in with me. I thought of different things about both my nannas each time she did it. I told her that I had a dream about my nanna the other night and I had never dreamt about her before. In my dream she never died, she actually just fell out with mum and they wanted nothing to do with each other. So I confronted her saying “I thought you were dead! Why wouldn’t you just come see us? It’s so incredibly hurtful that we haven’t seen you for this long.” Relaying my dream then made me cry again. My psych asked why it was upsetting me and I said that I was angry at my nanna in my dream and having a go at her. That made me realise that maybe I’m angry with them for leaving me. Because it’s been pointed out to me before that I was harbouring anger towards one of my brother’s for “leaving me” at a young age and I was upset and saying “I’m crying, I’m not angry, I just miss him.” My psych at the time made me realise, my inner child, on an emotional level was angry and felt abandoned. So maybe my 5 year old self was angry and felt abandoned by Nanna’s. We can all relate to seeing on TV or movies, when a loved one dies and the person left behind is angry and saying “how could they leave me?” Or something similar.   

I cried on and off quite a bit during this session and my psych said “there’s obviously a lot of sadness there. I think you really loved your Nanna’s.” I said “I don’t remember them, but yeah I guess I must have if it makes me this upset.” The more work we did, reverting back to the image of my pop coming home distraught and thinking intermittently about my Nanna’s in general and various other thoughts that popped into my head, my upset emotional state started to lessen. Recalling my memories started off upsetting and slowly turned into feeling nothing, with the memory also becoming hard to recall. So we then decided on a phrase to change and add to the memory. 

Due to my abandonment issues and possibly feeling like my Nanna’s ‘left’ me, we realised one of my core beliefs is “I am alone.” The opposite of this is “I am NOT alone,” however this is a little negative. So we changed it to “I am loved.” That phrase was then added to the image of my pop coming home (being an overall symbol for losing both my Nanna’s) and she moved the rod back and forth for a few more rounds. She then upped the sentence to “I am loveable,” and made me add that to the image. It was to try and teach my brain that I am worth loving, not just that others already love me or that I’m not alone. I really struggled with this sentence though and she said it is something we will work hard on next session. My emotional response to my memory of my pop or nanna’s dying was now a 0, it didn’t make me sad or upset, it was just a memory and my level of feeling towards “I am loved” was now a 10/10. “I am loveable” will be a work in progress though. 

During this process I thought about how interesting it was to do this therapy for grief. It can be done for many things, phobias, mental illness, traumas and more. Time will tell how it works for me as an overall picture as I have multiple major traumas ranging from car accidents to sexual assaults (very different things to psychologically grasp) as well as years of dealing with scary and traumatic chronic illnesses, then many minor negative life experiences such as abandonment from friends, being bullied, getting in trouble at school and more. 

I do feel very hopeful that it will make a significant difference to my mind which will in-turn help  me to heal overall. I really recommend people look into it if they are chronically ill, struggle with mental illness or have traumas 

#hansa #hansa center #lyme #Lyme Disease #lyme treatment #chronic lyme #emdr #emdr therapy #mental illness #mental health

[yuurisnice]

Unraveling

Title: Unraveling Summary:  Dan knew he was different from other children very early on. He never lost his 'imaginary friends', they only became a more integral part of his life. Living with his illness is never easy and with a secret as large as his, cracks are bound to appear. While he isn't ashamed of his DID, he knows the consequences of telling the wrong people.  Word Count: 21k Warnings: Smoking, mention of drug use, drinking, mentions of past trauma, anxiety

A/N: I’m really sorry to everyone on mobile because read mores don’t work and this is long af. This fic is my actual child and I’m so happy with how it turned out. So much time and research went into this fic. I wanted it to be as medically accurate as possible.  I got the inspiration of this fic when I stumbled upon a youtuber named Jess who posts videos about her DID. She and all of her alters are amazing and I just want everyone to know their story and learn that DID isn’t scary like the media makes it out to be.  Also huge shout out to @phansdick and @theinsanityplays for listening to me complain about my inability to do this topic justice and for giving me ideas when I was in a rut. And I can’t forget the amazing @moonlitdan for being a lovely beta.  If there are any inaccuracies with this fic, please let me know so I can change them!  That was a really long author’s note. Okay. Enjoy!

Read on AO3!

Dan only remembered  very brief moments in his life where he didn’t have alters. In fact, there’s only a handful of memories, enough that he could count them on one hand. As early as six he remembers playing with Evelyn, having her guide him through the nights. He didn’t know why, it happened or when it started, and he still could not access the reasons behind his disorder. All he knew was that his alters protected him and that was more than enough reasoning for him. It couldn't have been pleasant if his mind had to split into pieces in order to get through.

Evelyn was his best friend. She was there for him through thick and thin. At nights when the threat of the monster coming out from under the bed was strong, Evelyn would rock him to sleep. She would make sure that he went to bed at a reasonable time and woke up early enough to get ready for school. She kept him fed and clean, she helped him with his homework and made sure he paid attention in class. She would hold his hand as they crossed the street and if someone gave Dan what they used to call the ‘heebie jeebies’, Evelyn would take over until she could get Dan to safety.

Dan would insist on setting a place for Evelyn at the dinner table and for a short while his parents went along with it. After all, all children have imaginary friends until they grow up and make real friends. But time went on, Dan got older, and Evelyn stayed right by his side.

When Dan was eight, he started getting notices sent home about his ‘overactive imagination’. His parents and teachers would have conferences where seeing a specialist of childhood development was mentioned. Children were meant to lose their imaginary friends as they got older, but Dan’s relationship with Evelyn only seemed to strengthen.

Still, Dan’s parents didn’t want to admit there was a problem. They were content to live in a bubble where Dan would one day leave his ‘friend’ behind and go on to be a functioning member of society. This denial of the issues led to Kaleb.

For the remainder of his childhood into his teen years, Dan’s parents would make snide comments fully believing themselves to be constructive.

“Haven’t heard from Evelyn in a fair few days. She finally disappear or did she just take a mini vacation?’

“When are you going to grow up and drop this imaginary friend bullshit?”

“The two of you were inseparable, did you have a fight or something?”

“Honey, Dan’s just seeking attention. If we ignore this ‘Evelyn’ stuff, it will go away’.

Dan grew uncomfortable talking about Evelyn to the point where he just stopped mentioning her in front of people. Between the two of them, they decided that around people who knew Dan, Evelyn wouldn’t act like Evelyn, but she would do her best Dan Howell impression. People started to buy it and they lived comfortably for years.

It was when Dan was twelve that he discovered a new person in his head. He didn’t even know they existed for a fair few weeks.

Dan was getting in trouble more often than not, both at home and at school. Things would get broken that Dan didn’t remember breaking. Notes from teachers would go missing; notes that Dan didn’t even remember getting. He would come to in the middle of the night standing in the middle of his childhood park, stuck to find his way home and sneak into the house.

Every time his parents reprimanded him, he would say the same thing.

I don’t remember, it wasn’t me.

He started to turn his back on Evelyn, convinced that she was the one who was ruining his life. He’d spent his entire life trusting her with his body so why wouldn’t she take it for some joyrides? Afterall, Dan knew she had her own separate will so it wasn’t an impossible theory.

Three long weeks he spent ignoring Evelyn, starting to believe his parents when they said that if he ignored the problem it would go away. That perhaps there wasn’t even a problem to begin with. Perhaps it was just in his head.  

This operation clearly didn’t work out too well and it all came to a head when he got home from school one day.

“Dan. Who is Kaleb?” Dan’s mother asked with a bite in her tone. Her hands were on her hips while his father sat quietly in a nearby rocking chair.

Dan, who had never once heard that name before in his life tried to wrack his brain. Was Kaleb another kid at his school? Did something happen to this Kaleb that he should be made aware of? What did this Kaleb do and why did it anger his parents so?

“I don’t know. Who’s Kaleb?” Dan asked, trying to work together an incomplete puzzle.

His parents didn’t answer. Instead his mother shoved a note into his hands and stormed off into the kitchen where loud clanking of dishes could be heard.

“Just go to your room, son. I think your mother and I need some time to process. We’ll be in shortly.” His dad didn’t move from his seat, still hadn’t looked at Dan since he came home, so Dan simply did as he was told.

With a slump of his upper body, Dan dragged himself upstairs, down the hall and into his room. Inside was a mix of things that most people wouldn’t think went together. There were black sheets and covers. The walls were a dark brown with little stick-on flower petals on every wall. There were baby dolls left over from his younger days and his childhood bear he slept with every night. His legos were in a box in the corner and he had a tv with a basic gaming console attached.

Dan dropped his bag onto his messy desk, Evelyn had refused to straighten up until Dan apologized, and headed straight for his bed. He had been hoping for a nap after the stressful day he’d had at school but his mind was now preoccupied with the note held between his hands. As he got comfortable on the bed he unfolded the paper and started to read.

Dear Mr and Mrs. Howell,

It has come to my attention that Daniel has been having far more outbursts than normal. He is unusually chaotic and distracting to his fellow students. He will refuse to do his work and insist on being called ‘Kaleb’. At first we believed it to be just another phase but after consulting with the school psychologist we no longer believe this to be normal pre-teen behaviour.

While we cannot force you to seek outside assistance for your child, we will need to set up a meeting to see what can be done about this disruptive behaviour. If it continues on at its current pace, we will be forced to take action and move Daniel to a class better suited to his needs.

Please call at your earliest convenience to set up an appointment with the school psychologist and Daniel’s guidance counselor. I will also be in attendance as well as Daniel’s teacher.

I do hope we can find a solution to this that will be beneficial to everyone.

Sincerely,

Principal Edwin Macafee

Dan read over the letter several times, trying to get a grasp on what the contents really were saying. He got his answer on what his parents were referring to when they mentioned Kaleb, but it wasn’t another student, it was him.

Without noticing, Dan started crying. It wasn’t a normal cry, but a full on sob. He couldn’t remember. He didn’t know that he had been doing so poorly. He was a good student, a good person. Evelyn made sure of that but for once, even Evelyn couldn’t protect him.

For the longest time after that meltdown, Dan’s parents still stayed in denial. It wasn’t until he was fifteen that they agreed it was time to seek outside help.  

Dan had started to lose more and more time, not able to recollect entire conversations, classes, even people. It got to the point where Dan wasn’t Dan for days at a time. His alters would step forward more often than not, letting Dan retreat into a safe place in his mind.

He was taken to his normal doctor who recommended a therapist to him. After two months on the waiting list, he finally got an appointment.

Dr. Kayla Longburg was a middle aged woman who specialized in childhood depression and anxiety. Throughout the first couple of sessions she had diagnosed Dan with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He didn’t agree with the diagnosis, but having a name to his experiences was enough for him to go along with it.

He saw Dr. Longburg once a week, every thursday afternoon for two years. Somewhere along the way he was put on medicine to help ease his symptoms, but they didn’t help. He still lost time. There were still days where he wasn’t Dan. He still had Evelyn help him to sleep at night and Kaleb was still a little shit to everyone he met.

It wasn’t until Evelyn came out during a session that things started to change.

Before that time, Dan’s alters stayed hidden. Kaleb insisted that it was best to hide them away, act as though they weren’t as big in his lives as they were. Even Evelyn, who was generally the level headed one, was concerned that if anyone knew there were others living within Dan, the doctors and Dan’s parents would do everything in their power to ‘kill’ the alters.

During one session, Dr. Longburg was trying to get Dan to speak about his early childhood. She believed getting to the root of his issues would solve them. To speak about the trauma would bring light to his illness and perhaps start to believe them. Instead, with each insistence that Dan could remember if he tried hard enough, panic built up.

Dan knew he was going to switch before it happened. He got light headed and felt as though all of the energy was drained from his body. It felt like he was fighting against himself just to stay alive, and in some ways he was. As the panic built, the headache grew and Dan didn’t want to fight anymore. His eyes glazed over and he felt himself falling into his inner world.

Evelyn stepped out and this was the first time that Dan could see and hear what Evelyn could. The doctor caught on to the change in Dan’s body language, no longer hunched over himself but instead sat up straight as an arrow. His hands uncurled themselves and sat calmly in his lap.

“Dan does not remember and Dan does not remember for good reason. Stop prying. It’s hard to protect him when you’re making him think about the very thing that caused this.” Evelyn’s voice was strong, there was not a single stutter or hesitation and the words rang proudly through Dan’s ears. It was okay because Evelyn was here.

“Dan there’s no need to talk in third person.” The doctor replied after a moment of composure. It was evident that she was shocked by the outburst. In the entire two years she’d been with Dan, she’d never once seen him act this way.

“I’m not Dan. Why can’t anyone get that through their heads? Dan is not here. You forced him to retreat. You forced me to come out. You hurt him and that hurts me.” Evelyn stood her ground, giving up the very information the system swore to keep labeled top secret.

“If you are not Dan,” The Doctor started slowly, stopping herself mid sentence to jot a million things down on the notepad laid in her lap. “If you are not Dan then to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?”

“I’m Evelyn and the pleasure is all yours.”

It took a few more sessions before Dan was officially diagnosed with DID, or Dissociative Identity disorder. His therapist brought it up a few sessions after the Evelyn outburst and suddenly things clicked for Dan. While it was a thrilling and relieving moment learning about what DID was and connecting the dots between the disorder and his own life, it was a short lived victory. Dan’s therapist decided that what would be best for Dan was moving on to a more qualified therapist, one who understood DID and could teach Dan how to work with his diagnosis.

While he wasn’t the biggest fan of Dr. Longburg, he had grown accustomed to seeing her. She was abandoning him. He was no longer good enough for her to treat.

While that day was one of his happiest, it was also the first and only time Dr. Longburg would see Kaleb, who did not take the news lightly.

Dan transitioned, but unlike what happened with Evelyn, he had no way of knowing what was happening in the outside world. He could only fill in by what his therapist and his parents told him.

His parents had to be called in, Dan’s father doing his best to restrain Kaleb in an attempt to calm him down. He kicked and screamed and tried his best to run away from the situation, but no one would let him.

After Kaleb calmed down enough for everyone to talk, Dr. Longburg calmly explained what was the cause of the outburst, what a transition was and what the game plan would be from there on out. They were reassured that what Dan had was a real disorder and that this was not to be mistaken as childhood imagination.

His new therapist wasn’t as nice as Dr. Longburg, but he was much more well versed in the issues Dan faced. Unlike his old sessions, his new ones were not based around recollecting his past trauma. Instead, he learned about his illness, why it occurred, how it works, and how it helps him.

For the first time in Dan’s life, he didn’t feel crazy when he talked about his alters. He didn’t feel like they were a dirty secret to hide. He described each in detail and Dr. Patterson compiled a list of their duties and personalities. They were able to pinpoint the reasons why each alter came out and Dan could begin to see a theme. By getting to know his alters and their roles, he could foresee a transition far sooner than he used to.

Evelyn was the protector. She grew up alongside him, aging at the same rate as Dan.  Any time Dan felt threatened by his environment, she would take over to protect the system from any harm. She was kind and outgoing. She knew how to soothe any ailments and how to make sure the system kept moving. She made sure the alters got along as well as they could, and Dan kept the body healthy.

Kaleb was the persecutor of the system and even though for most of the time Dan knew Kaleb he did not like him, he started to come around and see his strengths rather than the flaws. Kaleb was brash and outspoken. He loved to party and could smoke up to a pack a day. He was flirtatious and possibly had a mild obsession with sex. Kaleb was diagnosed with Depression while Dan had not been.

On top of learning about his alters and their purposes, he learned that keeping a set schedule and allowing each alter to have their time with the body was key to living as normal a life as he could. An entire month of sessions was dedicated to the co-consciousness Dan would sometimes experience and how he could use these moments to find out his alters’ hopes and dreams.

Collectively, with the aid of Dr. Petterson, Dan and his alters formed a halfway decent schedule that made time for each person.They would have a bedtime of 1am and wake up at 9am. Evelyn would be able to come out in the mornings, taking care of Dan’s medications and keeping order throughout the system. Kaleb could have a few nights to go out, getting a chance to be the social butterfly he was and blow off some steam in less destructive ways than before. And Dan was left to be Dan the rest of the time.

He started to keep a journal to help piece together the times he was in his head. The alters came up with a note leaving system as well. There was a white board hung in his room with different coloured magnets attached. Each colour was assigned to a different alter, black was Dan, blue was Kaleb and orange was Evelyn. They would leave notes to each other, filling them in on their responsibilities of the day and little tidbits to fill in the gaps. He wasn’t usually able to recall the times when his alters were out, but by asking those around him and making a detailed collection of the notes passed between, he was able to keep a level head.

Together the system found a way to work and it worked a long while until Max came along.

The day Dan turned twenty, Max made his debut. Dan decided on his twentieth birthday not to continue with his higher education. He reached a breaking point with the stress the workload put on not only him, but the rest of the alters.

Kaleb had never been a huge fan of education, if his first few months taking over Dan’s body was any indication. On nights when Dan had exams worth most of his grade to revise for, Kaleb would take the body and get close to blackout drunk. Dan would wake up in some random person's bed with a killer hangover. He was left to deal with the missed exam.

Evelyn also wasn’t taking kindly to University. Even though she was the most organized of the bunch, Dan relied on her more often than not to make it through the school week. The pressure got to her and it got to the point where even she didn’t want to get out of bed.

So on his birthday, after downing an entire bottle of wine, Dan sent in his resignation to the University. After hitting send, Dan floated away.

He woke up on a swing in the playground of his University's child development center. There was a man from campus security standing before him, demanding that he leave at once. Dan slowly stood up on his feet and the man followed alongside him as they walked out of the park.

“I just need a few more things to put in the report before I can let you go.” The officer said, taking out a pad of paper and jotting down a few things. “You said your name is Max and you just wanted to ‘play’. You also told me you were nine years old but we all know that’s a load of bullshit.”

The name Max pulled Dan from his daze and sobered him up. He’d never heard the name Max before, but with his track record, it wasn’t impossible.

After giving the man the correct information and doing his best to explain the situation, he was left to walk back to his flat on his own. He spent the rest of that night trying to figure out who Max was and why his brain felt the need to split for a third time.

Dan moved home shortly after his new alter made his appearance. Through the help of his parents’ insight and his therapist’s aid, he learned that Max was a child alter, a mere age of nine. He was a trauma-free alter, a way for Dan to let go of the stress in his life. He loved trains and days out at the park, and colouring books could occupy him for hours on end.

Back in his old room, he made a corner to put Max’s things in. There was a craft table and a growing collection of matchbox cars. Whenever his mum would go out shopping, she would almost always come home with some kind of toy for Max. She had taken an odd liking to the boy, taking care of him and keeping him safe at all times.

For a year Dan stayed at home, relearning how to handle having three alters living inside him. The schedule they had all grown fond of had to be changed and rearranged to fit Max’s needs in.

When Dan was 21, he felt like he had enough control over his life and his routine that he could make the jump out of his parents home and into his own flat. Sure, he’d lived on his own before, but that was just University housing and it hadn’t afforded his alters the freedom they deserved as well.

His biggest deterrent against moving out wasn’t the act of living on his own, but finding a job.

Although illegal to deny or fire someone for a mental illness, it wasn’t unlikely that it would happen. Dan had read plenty of stories of people who tried to be honest with employers and found themselves unemployed not a short time after. Or there was simply too many times where a person called off due to the dissociation, and they were fired.

After telling his parents that he wanted to be on his own, and after hours of reassuring his mother that he had things under control, they all kept an eye out for any possible job openings around.

His father, a set designer for a local tv network, had heard about an opening for an editing position in a publishing company that was frequently in touch with the network. At first, Dan didn’t think he had a shot considering he didn’t finish University and he didn't go for an English degree while he was there. Still, his parents insisted that he apply since the worst that would happen was a ‘no’, while the best outcome was a new job.

He found himself traveling north for an interview with the main branch in Manchester. His mum wanted to go with, but he declined her offer, feeling as though it would make him more nervous if his mother was waiting outside the building.

He went in with very low expectations, better to assume the worst than to hope for the best, but to his delight, he found the potential boss to actually like him.

The woman’s name was Cynthia Moss, department head of the third floor that dealt with editing and marketing. They got along well, Dan nailing every question she threw at him and even making her laugh a few times. He didn’t stumble or overthink until she asked why he decided to drop out of University.

With a deep breath, he explained.

While Dan knew the risks of being upfront with the employer about his life, and there was no legal reason for him to have to disclose it, it felt more comfortable telling his job to ensure he was getting the best possible accommodations that he needed. Not to mention he didn’t want to work for a company that didn’t value him as an employee just because he had a disadvantage.

He didn’t go into too much detail, choosing not to disclose what his illness was, but explained how he had it mostly under control save for the few days when unexpected occurrences arose.

He grit his teeth, fearing that the interview would come to a halt then and there, ready to give one last handshake and take his leave, but Cynthia didn’t even bat an eyelash.

No. She went on to explain how his salary would be significantly lower than if he had a degree and also told him that if hired, the company would help him to finish his schooling at whatever pace he wanted to take it at, if he so desired.

When he walked out of the building and rung his mother, he never thought he’d be able to hear the happiness in her voice when he told her he had a second interview the next day with the department  head and her boss.

A few months later, he was moving to Manchester. His editing job afforded him a two bedroom flat with which him and his alters could live comfortably. It took an entire weekend and a small truck to take everything he’d stockpiled over the years, but at the end he had a place to call his own.

Many people would come to ask why Dan rented a two bedroom flat when he was the only one living there, but he still didn’t understand how to explain that just because there was one body doesn’t mean there wasn’t 4 people collecting and storing stuff.

Dan opted for the smaller of the two rooms, instead choosing to put a curtain up in the middle of the bigger room, deeming one half Evelyn’s side and one half Kalebs. There they could store their own wardrobes, books, stuffed animals, movies, ect. Having their own separate space was important to each alter and, in turn, the system. While Dan’s room was a simple black and grey colour scheme with little toys and mementos scattered about, his alters were completely different from his personal taste.

Evelyns side was decked out in pretty flowers on the windowsill and posters of boy bands covering every square inch of the walls. Two large bookcases were overflowing next to a quiet little book nook area that was once the closet. There was plenty of lighting, several lamps and fairy lights making the space appear bright and open. An ipod was attached to a small speaker, allowing for music to softly play without being too overbearing on the ambiance.

Kaleb’s side was darker, as dark as it could be with a simple black out curtain separating him from Evelyn’s light. Heavy metal band posters were strung up haphazardly, and an impressive stereo system complete with a turntable was the staple piece of the room. Records and cd’s were scattered about, a bookshelf left nearly empty where they should be contained. An ashtray sat on the windowsill of his side because even though he knew there was no smoking allowed in the flat and Evelyn would yell at him nearly every time, Kaleb would be damned if he was taking the elevator down 17 flights just to have a quick smoke.

Because Max was a relatively new alter, Dan set up a playroom of sorts in the lounge rather than splitting the spare room into threes. Where a dining room table should go stood a complex toy train rail system. The rug on the floor, rather than a boring shade of black was one with roadways and buildings drawn on, the perfect area to play with matchbox cars. An end table was filled with arts and crafts supplies, colouring books and markers, paints, beads, glue, popsicle sticks, you name it. And tucked away in the corner was a small bookshelf filled with space magazines and education workbooks.

The four of them managed to make a life together. Learning how to make time for most of everyone’s needs and prioritizing Dan’s job above most else. As Evelyn would put it, if Dan isn’t able to go to work, no one in the system would be able to afford the life that allows each to have pieces of their inner world. Max didn’t want to starve to death, Kaleb didn’t want to imagine not being able to afford his alcohol, Evelyn didn’t want to attempt to deal with finances that had no incoming paychecks and Dan, Dan just wanted some semblance of independence. They made it work. Things were going just fine until one day, when Dan met someone who would eventually become very special to him.

Dan had spent most of his life believing his disorder would force him to spend his life alone. He didn’t talk to many people outside of his family and the few coworkers he liked. He didn’t know how to make friends as well as Evelyn or Kaleb seemed to. He kept to himself and played it off like that was how he liked it. How could he be lonely with 3 other people sharing his head? Really he’d just never found anyone he thought he could trust not to walk out with his secret in tow.

It had seemed like just another day. Dan sat at his desk reading over an outline for a new potential novel. He found himself reading the words without really reading, so in an attempt to give his mind a quick break, he happened to glanced up. Just at that moment, a man in a navy blue button down and striped tie walked past, headed towards the elevators. Dan was transfixed as he’d never seen the man before in the office. As much as he wanted to look away before the man could lock eyes with him, he could hear Kaleb pestering in his ear ‘just like two more seconds, just let me look for two more seconds’.

Those two seconds were worth it when the two men finally locked eyes. Dan could see piercing blue eyes, slightly drowned out by the uncomplimentary colour of the shirt, but the strands of black hair grazing the man’s forehead still allowed them to pop. Dan realized he had been caught staring, and in response, a deep blush crept across his cheeks. The elevator doors opened and the man stepped inside alongside the boss of the fourth floor. Just before the door closed and Dan retreated back to the safe haven of his computer screen, the man gave a soft smile to Dan which sent tingles through his entire body.

Dan didn’t see the man again at work for several days. He attempted to tell himself that he wasn’t actively looking, but Evelyn wasn’t afraid to call him out on his bullshit. Dan asked around to the few people he was semi-friendly with, attempting to learn anything about the man he saw for all of thirty seconds. No one could lend him any leads until the man suddenly reappeared on the floor one random day. Dan tried his best to appear nonchalant with his stares, but he wasn’t the most graceful man in the world.

Dan watched closely as the blue eyed babe walked over to one of his coworker’s computers and started to mess around with some software. In that moment, it was like every piece had placed together. The man took the elevator up to the top floor which held the IT department, which would explain why the department head was accompanying him. Most likely getting a tour of his new job and was just seeing where he would be working.

After that revelation, Dan tried to ‘break’ his computer quite regularly. He did stupid things like hide the taskbar or ‘delete’ the internet (aka move the chrome icon on the desktop into the trash bin). Everything he did was a simple fix, something his desk neighbour could just pop on and fix in a matter of seconds, not without reminding Dan that he should really learn better computer skills if he was to make his living with one. It got to the point where the alters were itching to come out just to nudge Dan into the man’s direction. While none of them particularly felt the way Dan did about this man, they could clearly see (or hear) how much Dan needed companionship.

This led to Kaleb, who never wanted to make an appearance at work simply because he hated the idea of working, to step forward and take the reigns. He walked into the break room to fill up Dan’s coffee mug, ignoring the few people who said hello to Dan along the way. He made his way back to Dan’s desk, but instead of sitting down, he pretended to trip over his own feet, something Dan would believably do, dropping the coffee all over the desk and consequently the computer.

Kaleb smiled at his work and retreated back to his inner world. Dan’s eyes glazed over and he swayed back and forth before finally coming to and looking at the mess before him. A string of curse words left his mouth, looking around in desperation for anything to mop up the spill with. The two people closest to him lept up from their seats and ran to the break room to grab some napkins. It was as Dan was doing his best to wipe up the spill that the computer screen turned a bright blue. He was fucked.

Someone else on the floor called IT and within minutes the dark haired man was on his knees, leaning under the desk to get a better look at the damage.

“I really don’t know what went wrong. I just. I’m such a clutz, I guess. I stumbled and just fell and, shit, I really can’t afford to replace this machine jesus fucking christ.” Dan started shaking, trying his best to calm down his breathing. He knew that when he started to feel panic, Evelyn would take over and that was really the last thing he wanted. Not when the man was finally in front of him.

“It’s fine. I doubt they’d make you pay for it. I’m pretty sure they’ve got insurance and stuff to cover small accidents like these. And if they don’t, just say there was something on the floor that you tripped on.” After fiddling with the wires, unplugging the computer, and waiting for it to boot back up, the man stood up and sat down in Dan’s desk chair. He spun around so that he could face Dan, and suddenly Dan’s nerves were slightly calmed, just by the man’s eyes.

“As someone who works in the IT department and has seen the feed from those security cameras, they wouldn’t know the difference.” The man seemed to catch himself on his words, taking a moment as if to consider changing the direction in which his ideas were flowing out. He pointed up to the nearest camera, shifting the gaze to the object instead. “That one is the only one near your desk and it doesn't have your desk in view. They couldn’t catch you in the lie.”

Dan had to admit that the knowledge made him feel somewhat safer, but he was never one to get away with a lie save for the lies due to his DID. The guilt would always eat away at him until Kaleb came out to tell the harsh truth. It made for a shitty time in secondary school when his parents would ask where he’d been all night and three days later he was grounded because ‘someone’ told that Dan had been at a party rather than studying late.

“While that seems tempting, I think I’d rather just pay for it. Keep a clean conscious and all.” A blush crept onto Dan’s cheeks knowing that he seemed a tad bit like an innocent child rather than an adult. Or perhaps too adult, like a stuck up adult who thought he was better for not being able to lie.

“Good choice. I don’t think I could do it myself.” The computer started making a whirring noise, catching the man’s attention away from Dan. He spun around and started to fiddle around with the machine. Dan tried to focus on the clacking on the keyboard rather than the demons in his mind. He needed to stay present.

The man messed around with the computer for at least ten minutes, Dan sitting idly by and hoping that he at least remembered to save the last of his work before his dissociation. He didn’t need to be reamed out for breaking a computer and missing a deadline.

“So I think the thing is pretty much fried.” Phil glanced over his shoulder to take a better look at Dan, subtly looking him up and down before continuing on. “If you wanna help me take it upstairs so I can see if there’s a way to fix it, I can loan you out a laptop in the meantime.”

The man started to unplug and disconnect the computer, glancing at Dan in an attempt to get some assistance. Together they managed to dismantle the computer and begin to carry it towards the elevators, Phil holding the tower and Dan with the screen and wires. It was a silent walk, but Dan’s mind was starting to go off the wire. He didn’t usually tend to have co-consciousness with this alters but this was unfortunately one of the moments the entire system decided they needed to speak.

“Dan don’t just stand there! At least ask his name or something. You’ve been trying to get this guys attention for weeks; just ask!” Evelyn's voice grated through the air followed by Kaleb who so graciously said, “Man even I’m excited about the prospect of this guy. Have you seen the man’s bulge? He’s gotta be packin and I haven’t gotten laid in weeks.”

Evelyn covered Max’s ears, reprimanding Kaleb for his brashness around the child. Max’s take on the situation was far more innocent.

“He’s gottsa panda pin, Danny! He’s gottsa panda pin! They’re my favourite ooh, do you think he likes trains? I wonder if he’d play trains with me like Evelyn does!”

All of the alters continued to talk at the same time, trying and failing to get their thoughts across and heard. Dan started to get a headache from all of the commotion and when the elevator opened, Dan quickly walked inside and instantly leaned against the cool metal wall. He tried to play it off like he was tired from carrying the nearly weightless computer screen, but his eyes scrunched up tight and his face began to lose its colour. It wasn’t long before the man happened to take notice.

“Hey. Hey man, are you okay?” Dan could only make out the soundwaves and couldn’t really grasp onto the words that were being thrown his way. The man sat the tower down on the ground and stood in front of Phil, starting to take the things from Dan’s hands. “Do you need to sit down or something? Not to sound harsh but you don’t look so good.”

The alters continued to talk, Kaleb and Evelyn now taking to fighting with each other over the content of Kaleb’s thoughts. Max was starting to cry, hating to see the closest thing he had to parents fighting. It became too much for Dan to handle and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He registered that he started leaning forward into the man and the last thing he heard before leaving the conscious world was, “Hey, it’s Phil. Can you hear me? Focus on my voice. Stay with me okay? I got you.” Everything went dark with the name Phil ringing throughout his head.

Dan didn’t really know how to explain the times when he wasn’t in control. His mind felt like it was trapped in an unlocked house. It was like he could escape if he wanted to but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t come up with the energy to do so. Sometimes the house had fun things to do like a computer or some books. Lately it had a tv where he could see what appeared to be recaps of the life his alters were living while Dan was gone, even then his time away felt like a distant memory that rings a bell but doesn’t open up any doors of insight.

Dan relied on context clues and others’ stories to help piece together what happened in the time he was away. His mum used to keep a journal of the things Dan’s alters did and said to see if it would help jog Dan’s memory later. It never helped, but it did fill in Dan’s planner, used to keep track of lost time. Dan was used to waking up in strange places, lying next to strange people he wouldn’t normally touch with a ten foot pole. Once he even woke up in a completely different country. But by far the weirdest place he ever came to was a coffee shop with Phil walking towards him.

He glanced around, trying to find out anything about where he was, why he was there and how he got there. A look outside showed that it was bright out, meaning it had to have been around midday. The coffee shop was full of people, much more than would be there midday on a weekday. He frantically padded down his pockets trying to find where his phone was, but it wasn’t anywhere to be found. He hoped an alter just forgot to take it with and didn’t leave it behind somewhere.

“Are you okay?” Phil, who was holding two cups in his hands, put a coffee down and pushed it across the table to Dan. His eyes were crinkled slightly in confusion but a huge smile was plastered on his face nonetheless. He wasn’t dressed in his normal business casual attire that was required at the office. Instead he had on a fox jumper and glasses that framed his face.

Dan looked back and forth between Phil and the coffee before tentatively bringing it up to his lips. He took one sip and wanted nothing more than to spit it back out. There was far too much cream in it. It was sickeningly sweet instead of harsh with a hint of sugar. It was Evelyn’s go-to pick and already he could begin to understand what he was doing here.

Even if he tried his best to pretend that he loved the drink Phil handed him, the aftertaste left in his mouth was just a little too much to keep the look of disgust off of his face. He couldn’t help but feel responsible for the drop in Phil’s happy expression, choosing to take another sip and overdramatize his love of it.

“I can tell you don’t like it. I told them exactly what you said. Half cream and 4 sugars. Is it not sweet enough?” Dan started to laugh at Phil’s joke until he realized that it wasn’t a joke at all. He was actually concerned that the baristas didn’t put enough overkill sugar in his drink. Phil was already halfway out of his chair, gently reaching across to take the drink if need be.

“Oh no, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Dan gave a small smile, really not wanting to burden Phil with any extra tasks. Not to mention, if he gave a completely different order to the one he held in his hands, Phil could get suspicious. “I don’t think it’s the drink. Maybe my body just isn’t feeling the sugar like I thought it would. It’s okay, though. It’s still good.” To highlight his point he took another sip, making sure to think pleasing thoughts as he did.

“If you say so, but I really don’t mind getting you what you want. There’s no use in drinking something you don’t like.” Phil sat back down in the chair and finally took a sip of his own coffee. Dan wanted to ask what Phil had ordered, wanted to know how he took his coffee, but didn’t, for fear that him and Evelyn already discussed that.

They sat in silence for a while, just calmingly taking sips of their drinks every so often. Dan was looking around, still trying to piece together the fragments of time, and Phil just kept his eyes trained on Dan. It was like he was trying to figure out a puzzle himself, and Dan didn’t want that. Phil was looking at him as if something was different in the air, suspicious already, so Dan put a stop to that as soon as he could.

“What day is it? I keep thinking it’s Thursday.” Dan broke the silence, trying to seem as though he just casually forgot the day rather than forgetting his existence for a short while. And it was true. The last Dan remembered it was a thursday afternoon and he was waiting on an elevator.

“It’s Sunday. I’d of thought you’d know that, considering you made sure we made plans after you went to church.” A soft chuckle escaped from Phil’s lips, but it was light and airy. No sign of hostility that Dan was looking for.

Church meant Evelyn had taken Max to sunday school. Usually Dan would wake up early on Sundays and walk to the church a few blocks from his flat. While all of the older alters and Dan considered themselves on some scale of agnostic, Max was a big believer in faith. Dan liked to think it was the remnants of the few memories he had of his grandmother taking him to church and then out for ice cream when he was younger.

“Oh yeah. Days seem to run together sometimes, you know. You ever have that, where you can’t remember if what you did that morning was really that morning?” Dan laughed off his explanation, knowing that was a thing that happened to all people, not just those with a mental illness. Phil had to have experienced that at least once in his life and it should be enough to keep him off Dan’s tracks for a little while.

“Yeah. I get what you mean. I actually got fired once because I didn’t show up to work. I still swear to this day that it was a Saturday but apparently doing a no call no show on the busiest friday morning is a huge no no.” Phil’s voice was soft and reminiscent. It was nice. Dan didn’t get to do that typically without an alter stepping forward. Many of the memories he had just weren’t his to have. “You don’t strike me as a church person. I never would have guessed that from the way you were talking last night about how the point of life is to have fun and not live in fear of the unknown.”

Dan’s body became rigid, stopping mid sip to take in the information. This wasn’t the first time him and Phil were seeing each other outside of work. How many other times had there been? Had it really only been three days or was it a week since he’d been out last? His longest streak was two and a half weeks, so it’s entirely possible. He tried to rack his brain for any ideas on what they could have done yesterday, but nothing came to mind and for once in his life, his mind was seemingly all to himself.

“Oh uh. Yeah I’m not too big on it, I guess. I like to go just to have a kind of routine? I used to go when I was younger and it’s just kinda stuck, in a way.” The excuse fell flat, not nearly as convincing as his earlier story, but he didn’t have much time to prepare one. He didn’t want Phil to think he was something he wasn’t, but any way he spun, it was a lie. Max may not be him, but it was still a part of him. A part of him Phil couldn’t know about.

“I get that, in a way. Like a habit you just can’t quite break. Can’t say I understand exactly why you picked church to be that habit, but I guess.” Phil’s eyes looked off to the side, trying to find the same meaning that Dan found, but in his own life. He must have come up short because the conversation was dropped.

They continued like that for a hour or so. Going back and forth with easy conversation, Dan making sure to steer clear of things he knew Evelyn or Kaleb would have talked about if they were there. There was only so many times a person could use the excuse that they had forgotten an entire conversation that just happened not even twenty four hours ago.

Even so, there were topics Dan took risks on. He wanted to know who Phil was, and in order to find out, he needed to ask. He asked about Phil’s upbringing and his home. Where he went to school and what his degree was in. How old Phil even was and if he had any siblings. Did he live alone and did he live nearby? He took the risk and asked the pressing questions he was dying to know, and it seemed that his alters left him the getting to know you questions. After all, knowing Phil was more important to Dan than anyone else in the system, so it was only fair he got to know that information first hand.

Dan learned that Phil was 28. He grew up not far outside of Manchester and he had one older brother named Martyn. His parents were lovely people who used to pester Phil about what he was doing with his life, so Phil made it his mission to move out as soon as he was finished with University.

Unlike Dan, who was a college dropout, Phil had three degrees. He couldn’t make up his mind on what he wanted to study, so he just kept going back for new things. He had an english degree and was only a few classes short of being able to get his teaching license. After he finished school, he went back for post production, hoping to maybe get a job with some big movie studio. When that dream came to a staggering halt, Phil went back to school for a third and final time to get a degree in something akin to computer science, but less complicated.

As Phil talked about himself, Dan felt like the dirt under Phil’s shoe in comparison. But it wasn’t a normal feeling like scum he typically had. He wasn’t jealous or envious of Phil’s life. In a weird way, he was proud. If anyone deserved to be happy and successful, it was Phil. Dan was lucky to just be a blip on the man’s radar.

For once in his life, Dan felt pleasantly normal. To any outsider, Dan and Phil looked like two friends who were just hanging out. They were having normal conversations about normal topics and his mind was just his normal thoughts. As much as he wanted to be ‘normal’, he couldn’t help but be thankful that he had his alters. If they weren’t there to watch out for him, who knows if he would have even that time with Phil.

After that pleasant coffee outing, Dan found himself hanging out with Phil more often than not. For the first few weeks, he was terrified of asking Phil to go anywhere or do anything, choosing to have Phil or Evelyn make the first move.

They would go shopping together, a movie here or there, Phil would show Dan all the best tourist spots since he’d grown up in the city. Any time they were together they were either at work, out in public, or in Phil’s small studio apartment, but Dan always made sure they never went back to his flat.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want Phil to see where he lived or that he liked to make it difficult on himself and always be the one to walk home late in the night when he was tired, it was just a lot of work to get his apartment ‘company ready’.

Because his flat looked as if a child lived there (because one did), an unknowing outsider to his illness would grow suspicious at the state of his lounge. In order for someone who didn’t know of Dan’s DID to come over, he had to spend a few hours putting things away.

All of Max’s toys and books had to be placed in various locking closets around the flat. The bigger toys like the trainset and the rug were tossed into the corner of Dan’s room, typically covered with a blanket or just the mess of his room would disguise it well enough. If anyone saw a child’s toy, Dan would just act as though he was holding on to his childhood toys for the day he had his own children.

The kitchen was a whole separate area of items to hide, but with an easier excuse if he got lazy. There were children’s plastic plates, cups, bowls and small plastic utensils. He’d generally place them all in a box and stick them in the highest cupboard. If anyone happened to get on a stepstool and open the obnoxiously high cabinet to find his boxes, his response was he found them easier to use when drunk.

On a good day, it could take Dan a solid hour to move everything around, but that also meant dealing with his alters. They were never particularly happy to have their stuff messed with or without their permission. Every time he picked up something that wasn’t his, he’d have to explain what he was doing, where he was putting it, how long it would be there, and in Kaleb’s case, will I be compensated in beer?

So because of this process, Dan would always steer clear of the idea of going back to his flat. If Phil would ask, he’d come up with an excuse that the heating was broken or the place was a mess or his parents were in town.

The thing about excuses is that they only last for so long.

One day, Dan had decided to work from home because Kaleb stayed out a little later than usual the night before leaving him nearly drained of all energy and a killer headache to match. He’d gotten up around 11 and made himself coffee with a piece of toast. When he finally sat down at his laptop to begin his work, his phone started to ring.

Figuring it was his mother calling to ask if he was feeling better, he didn’t bother turning the phone over to look at the number. The phone stopped ringing and he opened up his email, looking for the specific chapter he was meant to have done by tomorrow. He didn’t get through the first line when his phone rang for a second time.

He picked it up, not taking his eyes off of the screen and put the phone up to his ear.

“Yes Mom I’m fine. I’m not gonna text you any more updates on my life if this is how you’ll react every time Kaleb does something stupid.” His eyes continued to read the words on the screen believing that if he just kept looking at them he could trick himself into multitasking efficiently.

“And Kaleb would be?” Phil’s voice echoed through Dan’s head and he nearly dropped the phone onto the floor.

‘Nice work jackass. Why would your Mommy care about what I do?’

“He’s uh- he’s,” Dan racked his brain for an excuse. A cousin? No, he told Phil he only had one cousin whom is definitely not named Kaleb. A Neighbour? No, Phil knew that Dan hadn’t talked to a single person in his building. “He’s a guy who stays with me from time to time. He got kinda drunk last night and we were out really late so.”

“Right.” Phil didn’t sounds all too convinced, but it wasn’t a very convincing lie to begin with. “I thought you said you were sick last night and that’s why we couldn’t hang out.”

Dan’s head hit the desk in front of him with a thud and it took everything he had not to scream into the phone. The headache was throwing him off, distorting his capability to think rationally. He’d blame it on Kaleb for getting so drunk that he forgot to leave a note informing Dan that Phil had called to hang out.

“Uh. Yeah. I was sick but uh, Kaleb he’s a very persistent guy.” The phone was silent for an extended amount of time after Dan spoke. He almost believed that Phil had hung up on him, not that he would blame him really.

Getting caught in a lie always made Dan really anxious. It wasn’t just the idea that the person would think he didn’t care enough about them to tell the truth. Every lie was a clue and if someone caught on to enough of them, they could discover the underlying truth.

“So is he like, your boyfriend or something?” Phil asked, voice doleful and melancholy.

“No! God no!” Dan was quick to defend. The last thing he wanted was for Phil to believe he already had someone else in his life, that there wasn’t room for Phil. He tried to keep his crush on Phil at bay simply because the possibility that anything between them could happen was almost rock bottom, he didn’t want to do anything to hurt his already miniscule chances. “Not only is that an impossible relationship, but it’s also really weird. Kaleb is not my kind of person.”

“And yet you go to bars with him?” Phil was confused, that much was easy to tell. Dan wanted to make it easier to understand, to clear the subject and move on from it, but he wasn’t sure how.

“I wouldn’t say I willingly go. It’s just kind of a thing that happens. It’s hard to explain.” Dan sighed, his hand going up to the back of his neck and giving a gentle massage. It wasn’t a cure for his anxiety, but it was a help. “Can we just like, not talk about this? What’s going on? How’s work?”

“Work is terrible.” Phil’s voice didn’t sound any happier, the subject change only seeming to make it go from bad to worse. “Markus is being a complete dick today. He handed me a huge list of things to do and demanded they be done by the end of the day. I just don’t understand how someone who has zero experience in IT gets to be the manager of the IT department. Even so, anyone with half a brain would realize that it’s highly unlikely one person could install software on 80 individual computers in 7 hours. That’s like, five minutes per computer with no break.”

Dan wanted to laugh, not because the situation was funny but because he knew it all too well. The manager of the editing department was promoted from sales, so he was frequently hit with hard deadlines and feats no one human could accomplish. He refrained from laughing given the tone of the entire conversation they’d been having, chosing to go with sympathy instead.

“That fucking sucks. At least you’re getting a lunch this time. Remember when the district manager came for a visit and they were working you around the clock?”

“Yeah those few days were the worst. I only got to see you for all of five minutes in four days. Hardest four days of my life.” Phil’s voice was starting to get its life back, slowly forgetting about anything Kaleb related.

“Trust me, seeing you that stressed out was not the highlight of my life either. “ Dan cracked a smile, assuming that Phil meant the work but allowing himself to believe for a sliver of a second that the lack of communication with Dan made that week hard. “That’s why I stayed so late that night that I ended up crashing on your couch. Clearly bad things happen when we go too long without seeing each other.”

“Do you think I could come over after work? I just really don’t want to go to my empty flat and wallow.” Phil asked apprehensively.

Dan opened his mouth, but no excuse came out.

“Of course.”

After that day, Phil came over to Dan’s place more often. They ended up spending more time at Dan’s than Phil’s which was a huge achievement on Dan’s part. He liked having Phil over, it showed Phil a little more about his life, allowed him to gain just a little more trust.

The alters also got on board with a new schedule when Phil was coming over. If one was out when plans with Phil were made, that alter would put all of Max’s things away and lock the spare room. A note would usually be left for Dan saying that Phil was coming over that day or that he had been there. Having Phil over almost became second nature to them all, finding a way to enjoy Phil’s company and welcoming the change in pace.

But that didn’t always mean things ran smoothly and sometimes accidents happened.

Kaleb was always a night owl, even more so than Dan. He could stay out all hours of the night, drinking until the sun came up. He had a few select pubs and clubs he liked to frequent, especially when he was looking for a quick hook up.

He typically dominated Friday nights. He wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go out partying during the work week, not that he always listened, so as soon as Dan was home from work on friday afternoons, Kaleb was out and ready to go.

He’d hop in the shower almost immediately after he was in control, needing to get the stench of corporate greed off his body. After getting out, he’d go to his room in his towel, turn his stereo as high up as it could go, and sit by his window. A master of his craft, he’d have a blunt rolled and lit in under two minutes. It was the perfect way to start off the night.

Once he was properly high, he’d set about actually getting ready. While Dan was more into the black skinny jeans that showed off every inch of his body, Kaleb was more into dark blue and green skinny jeans that cut off at the knee. His t-shirts were almost all the same, some obscure heavy metal band that no one could possibly have heard of.

He prefered his hair to be up in a quiff. In his inner world he had short blonde hair, so getting Dan’s fringe out of the way was usually his first instinct. He’d go through half a can of hairspray before he was happy with the result.

Kaleb was a fan of makeup, particularly mascara as it made his eye’s pop. His sole goal of going out was to get laid so accentuating his best features was key to achieving that. With a small amount of eyeliner and some blush on his cheeks to give him more colour, he deemed himself good enough to go out.

Kaleb and Evelyn both had their own friends whom they would hang out with when they were out. Kaleb pulled out his phone and started texting his normal group of friends telling them to meet him at their local pub. He took one last look in the mirror before he was out the door for the night.

A high tolerance for alcohol, something Dan did not have, meant that kaleb was fisting drinks left and right all night. He was downing shot after shot in hopes that the next one would get him drunk enough to feel like himself and not the man whose body he occupied.

He didn’t start talking to strangers until well into the night. He wasn’t one for conversation and he didn’t want to end his night early even if that meant he was headed home with someone. But by the time three am rolled around and he was striking out left and right, he decided to call it a night and head home.

That didn’t stop him from continuing to try to get laid.

When he arrived back at the flat, he pulled a beer out of the fridge and flopped down on the couch. He scrolled through his phone, looking at all of the names in it in an attempt to find a fuck buddy for the night. No one caught his eye until he saw Phil.

It was a risky move considering Phil was off limits. Dan was practically head over heels in love with the guy, but lowered inhibitions threw rational thought out of the window and before he knew it, he was opening up his messages.

‘Hey buttercup. You still awake?’ Kaleb was the only one who called Phil ‘buttercup’. Dan absolutely loathed the nickname, but Kaleb found it flirty. Phil found it cute, returning with an equally gross nickname as a response most of the time.

He didn’t really expect a reply considering it was well into the middle of the night, but when his phone went off a minute later, he was instantly grabbing for it.

‘Sadly. :(  I’ve been trying to sleep for hours but it’s just not my night I guess. What’s up, love bug?’

‘I’m booorreeed. Come play with me. ;)’ It took everything Kaleb had not to come out and just say ‘fuck me’.

While Kaleb wasn’t big on Phil’s personality, he wouldn’t lie and say Phil was unattractive. He spent countless nights imagining getting Phil to sleep with him, to fuck him hard into the mattress. That was his biggest motivation for being on board with everything related to Phil. If Dan could get Phil, that would mean he could too. He wouldn’t have to go out as often in pursuit of a stranger to fuck. He could have someone on call whenever he wanted.

‘Come play with you? Are you the twins from the shining or something? Lol’

Kaleb groaned. Leave it to Phil to completely miss the point. His patience was growing thin. In an attempt to calm himself down, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. There was only one left and he cursed himself for not thinking ahead.

‘No, but I could be if you want me to. I can be whatever you like.’

He put the last cigarette to his lips, ignoring Evelyn's complaints that he was smoking in the living room, and lit it as quickly as he could. Just as he took in his first inhale, he got a text.

‘I like you just the way you are, Dan. I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else. Are you drunk? Haha’

Kaleb rolled his eyes, almost regretting even reaching out to Phil. If the boy could just keep his mouth closed and his pants off, he might be in better standings.

‘Maaybe but that doesn’t change anything. Just come over. I promise we’ll have a good time.’

‘I think you should get some sleep. Before you say some things that you might regret and before I do some things I might regret.’

Regret? No one ever regret a night with Kaleb. That was more Dan’s speed, but Kaleb? He could rock Phil’s entire world, leave him speechless for days.

‘Do something you’ll regret? That must mean there’s something you’re wanting to do but are afraid to. I won’t regret anything and I know I can make you feel like same. Just come over and let me help you enjoy yourself.’

Nearing the end of his cigarette and already desperate for a second one, he quickly doubled texted.

‘And bring me a pack of cigarette, I’ve run out. I like a nice smoke after I give someone a good time.’

‘A good time huh? That does sound appealing’ Phil replied quickier than Kaleb thought, almost as if Phil was reacting on his first instinct instead of thought. He felt like he had it in the bag. He had Phil in the palm of his hand, he had to. He was in the middle of a reply back, a raunchy text to seal the deal when Phil texted again.

‘How about I stop by tomorrow. We can spend the day together when you’re sober and we can see what happens. There's hopefully plenty of nights in the future.’

‘Or you could just come over tonight and stay until the morning.’ He knew it was a lost cause, but he had to give it one last try. He was so horny and in need of a release.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Dan. Good night.’

In a fit of drunk anger, Kaleb threw the phone onto the other side of the cough, resigning himself to a wank before bed.

He came with Phil’s lips on his mind and he promised himself he’d get Phil. If the boy was interested, he was happy.

The blaring generic ringtone catapulted Dan from his dream and he sleepily ran his hand around in an attempt to find it. He took one look at the name calling and bolted up in his bed. He cleared his throat a few times, trying to knock out the sound of sleep before sliding the green bar over to answer it.

“Hello?” Dan’s voice was soft and even just with one word it was evident that he was sleeping not two minutes ago. He took the phone away from his ear and turned speakerphone on, racing to open up his messages and see if there was something he missed.

“Hey. Did I wake you? I was just calling cause last night you asked me to pick you up a pack of cigarettes on my way over, but you never told me what kind. Also did you want any snacks or anything? I got some crisps but I wasn’t sure what else you might like.” There was a rustling of bags in the background and a booming incoherent voice over an intercom. Phil was already in the store and Dan had to think on his feet.

Dan groaned just before finally opening his messages. He didn’t even have to read them to know that Kaleb had been the one to invite Phil over judging from the time of the last message. As he scrolled through them, he was getting secondhand embarrassment from the outright sexual messages Kaleb was sending, but what was even more shocking was that Phil had been sending them back.

Dan silently cursed Kaleb and his lazy ass for not going out to buy his own cigarettes. Dan didn’t want Phil to think of him as a smoker. He hated smokers.

“Yeah. Um. I think.” He tried to rack his brain, attempting to remember just what Kaleb smoked. As much as he wanted to tell Phil to just forget the request, he knew Kaleb would be furious. A furious Kaleb was a recipe for disaster. “I think it’s just a pack of Black American Spirits. And I’m fine with whatever snacks. We could also just order a shitload of pizza or something.”

“You think? You don’t even know for certain what you smoke?” Another one of Phil’s signature chuckles came through the receiver and Dan flinched. He should have been more on the ball but knocking off sleep wasn’t helping his already lacking memory. “You must be really tired. You never cease to amaze me, Howell. I’ll be over in about ten minutes or so. Just gotta grab a few more things and I’ll be over.”

Dan stuttered out some nonsensical goodbye before ending the call. He quickly read through as many messages as he could before remembering that he hadn’t showered yet and the lounge was covered in children’s toys. There was no way he could possibly cover for that without appearing as though he was a father or he was into some really weird shit.

He lept out of bed, powering through the headrush that overcame him. He went straight for the lounge, grabbing as much of Max’s stuff as he could and dragging it down into Evelyn and Kaleb’s room.

“Hey why are you moving my stuff! That’s not where that goes!” Max said in a pout.

“That’s my room you fuck, don’t put his stupid shit in there. We all agreed my side of the room was off limits,” Kaleb’s voice followed almost immediately after.

The alters went back and forth, telling Dan every instance of how they weren’t okay with what he was doing until Dan finished. He grabbed a key out of his own bedside drawer and locked up the spare room. There was no way in hell Phil was going to see that room.

The alters were all still complaining. Dan had messed up their spaces and they weren’t afraid to let him know he was in the wrong. Dan tried to power through without commenting, running to quickly change and spray himself with deodorant to hide the fact that he hadn’t had a shower. Soon it became too much. He was doing another once over in the lounge, making sure he got everything when Max started to cry and Dan lost it.

“Listen. I get it. Your shit is out of sorts and you’re mad at me but can you please just shut the fuck up while Phil is here? I’ll move everything back when he’s gone and you can bitch and complain and put it back in the right spots later, but you all know that we need to keep this shit under wraps. If he finds out…” Dan trails off as a soft knock can be heard at the door. Dan doesn’t even finish the rest of his thought, leaving it up to the alters to figure out the rest. Instead he heads over to the door and takes a tentative look out of the peephole to see Phil standing sheepishly with two shopping bags in his hands.

Dan takes a deep breath, saying a silent prayer to no one that Phil didn’t hear any of the outburst, and opens the door with a wide grin on his face.

“Hey. I didn’t buzz you in. How’d you even get in? Dan asked, trying not to sound accusatory, but coming off somewhat standoffish. He moved back and opened the door a little wider, making room for Phil to walk into the flat. While he knew that everything was packed away, he couldn’t help but be on edge. His secret felt like it was teetering on a cliffside.

“Someone held the door open for me since I was carrying stuff. I guess if you’re holding enough stuff you can get in just about anywhere.” Phil’s cheeks tinted a noticeable pink compared to the rest of his complexion as he walked towards the small kitchen. Dan couldn’t help but wonder if he was still thinking about those texts, if he was coming over to see if anything would happen between them.

Phil put the bags down and started to unpack them while Dan got out a few bowls to put the snacks in so they could be handy. Once everything was out, Phil pulled a pack of American Spirits out of his jacket pocket and handed them out to Dan.

“I hope these are the correct ones. I’m not a smoker so I don’t really know the difference.” Phil gave a soft smile as their hands gently touched one another's. Dan wasn’t one for the idea of sparks and all that, but he was certain he felt tingles in all the places his skin touched Phil’s. “We can head down so you can have one if you want. I know last night you said you were out of them.”

Dan couldn’t help but feel warm as Phil offered to go downstairs with him albeit thankful that he left out the part where Kaleb mentioned having a smoke after sex. It was sweet that he wanted to make sure Dan got what he wanted, even if it wasn’t the healthiest for him. Most people would comment that he should quit or explain to him how it was a terrible habit to have, and Dan would just have to grit his teeth and bear through, considering he believed every word they said anyway. But having his alters came with a price, and being labeled a smoker wasn’t the worst he could be dealt.

“No. It’s fine.” Dan politely shook his hand and opened up a drawer to place the pack into. He was hoping that  Kaleb was able to see and remember where they were being placed for when he came out later. “I’m really not much of a smoker. Just when I’m drunk. And occasionally when my emotions are really intense. I actually don’t really like smoking too much.”

As Dan closed the drawer closed, he turned his attention back to the bowls of snacks and started to pick them up, hoping to put an end to the conversation. The less he had to talk about his lost time, the less lies he had to remember.

“Ah. I was that way in Uni.” Phil took Dan’s lead and picked up the remaining snacks as he followed Dan into the lounge. He very clearly didn’t pick up the hint that Dan didn’t want to continue talking about this, but Phil so obviously wanted Dan to think he was okay with it, even if he wasn’t. “I used to bum off my friends when we would go out on the weekends and sometimes when I had a really rough paper due, I would just give in and ask my flatmate for one.”

“Yeah. I don’t even remember smoking last night. Really I don’t remember much at all. One moment I was at the bar and the next you were calling saying you were on your way over.” Dan powered through the want building up inside him. He wanted to play along with Kaleb’s game, wanted Phil to think he wanted him like that, but that wasn’t Dan.

“Oh.” Was all Phil said, disappointment flowing through his body language.

Dan decided to just drop the conversation, not wanting to question Phil’s tone. It didn’t feel right. Instead, they silently put the bowls down on the coffee table, arranging them in a way that they could still put their feet up on it if they wanted to. While Phil sat down on the couch, Dan started to rummage around with his game consoles. By this point he didn’t even have to ask Phil what he wanted to play, as they pretty much did the same thing every time.  

Dan tossed Phil a controller and walked back over to the couch, ready to get comfortable next to Phil. As the game started to boot up, Dan plopped down on the cushion next to Phil, not quite touching like Kaleb would and not light years apart like Evelyn.

Once they were both in position, feet up on the table, bowl of crisps between them, and the start screen on, they fell into their routine.

Dan always loved the silence that lingered between them. He never believed that a sign of a good relationship was when you could sit in comfortable silence together, but Phil had just blown every preconceived notion out of the park when he walked into his life. Still, the question burned in the back of his mind. He needed to know if Phil was really okay with Kaleb’s habits. He needed to know if there was hope.

“Do you hate smokers?”

Dan watched Phil’s long fingers as they carefully paused the game. Phil took his feet off of the table and turned his body so he was facing Dan completely. Under Phil’s gaze, Dan wanted to retreat and look away but found he was stuck in a trance. He couldn’t shy away, he had to face what he started.

“Why would you think that?” Phil’s eyes wrinkled, concern etching the entirety of his face. It sent a pang through Dan’s chest, like he’d done something wrong, like he’d broken Phil’s trust. He knew that wasn’t true, but that didn’t stop himself from breaking down inside.

“I don’t know.” Dan mumbled, suddenly not in the mood to finish the conversation he’d forced them to have. “Just, most people do and I’ve had countless people who have said they couldn’t be around me cause I smoke sometimes. And I get it cause I don’t even like smoke, but just like. I don’t know. It’s still a shitty feeling I guess, people walking out for something I can’t really help.”

Dan hoped that Phil wouldn’t rebuttal that. He’d hoped that Phil wouldn’t ask how it couldn’t be helped when it was a conscious choice to most. He didn’t know if he had it in him to give another lie to the man sat in front of him.

“Of course I don’t hate smokers. It’s an addiction and it’s not my place to say one way or another what anyone does with their body.” Phil tentatively reached his hand out and rested it on top of Dan’s. That stupid spark could be felt again. “I would never judge you, Dan. Everyone has parts of themselves they don’t like. Everyone has parts of themselves they want to keep hidden. I’m not gonna leave you because you do something I don’t. I like you, habits and all. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide them.”

And while Phil didn’t know exactly the extent of the meaning in his words, Dan felt a little more at ease with their arrangement.

They spent the rest of the day relaxing, switching easily from Smash Bros, to Phil watching Dan play Skyrim, to watching disgustingly cheesy rom coms. By the end of the night, the snacks were almost completely gone and there were two empty pizza boxes tossed onto the floor.

While Dan wanted Phil to stay the night, he felt it was still too soon. They’d only been hanging out for a couple of weeks, and that was more Kaleb’s expertise anyway. Not to mention the locked room that had to be unpacked before his alters told him off.

As the day started to end and the two boys collectively began to clean up the lounge together, a bright light emanated from the sky outside the window.

“Shoot. I think it’s gonna start storming soon. I should head home before it hits.” Phil made his way over to the window, starting to count the time between the lightning and the distamt noise it made. Dan would have recognized what he was doing, trying to see how far away the storm was, but his anxiety was starting to increase.

Dan hated storms. They were one of his biggest fears. But the problem with storms wasn’t the storm itself, it was with Max. The loudness and bright flashes tended to scare Max so much that he was ultimately forced forward, having to be the one to deal with it on his own. Dan still didn’t understand why that happened since Max was more afraid than Dan, but it did.

Dan started to quicken his pace, trying to clean up and get Phil out faster. While he knew that Phil had been with him when his alters were out, he didn’t really see him transition save for that first time at the coffee shop. Max would be so afraid that there was no way he would be able to focus on pretending to be Dan. Part of his secret would start to fall.

“Well you best be on your way then. Thanks so much for st-” A crash of thunder stopped Dan mid sentence and the colour drained from his face. He put his arm around Phil’s back and began a quicken walked towards the door. “For stopping by. I’ll see you soon; tomorrow maybe? Of course, tomorrow I’ll see you at work. Obviously. But yeah, thanks. It was fun.”

Dan didn’t even care at this moment if he came off as rude. He needed Phil out and he was hoping he would take the hint. Thankfully for once, Phil did.

“Yeah. I’ll see you later. Have a good night.” Phil grabbed his coat on the way, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his keys before opening the door.

“Text me when you get home safe. It’s late and it’s the city and it’s raining. I don’t want to hear about you on the news.” Dan watched as Phil walked out of the door and into the hall. Rather than closing the door on him, he walked out and embraced Phil in a quick hug. Some simple reassurance before he was left alone for the night.

It wasn’t too much longer after Dan closed the door that he started feeling dizzy. He tried to hold on just a bit longer, wanting to at least unlock the spare room before Max came out, but he didn’t have enough time.

One of the best things about Max was that he was the easiest to have co-consciousness with. Dan could usually see and hear the things Max could, making it a bit easier to remember those lost hours. This was particularly common when Max was in high levels of distress.

As the storm grew louder, Max bolted down the hallway to the spare room, pulling as hard as he could on the knob that wouldn’t budge.

The key.

He checked his pockets, the drawers in the kitchen, Dan’s set of keys on the hook by the door. He tentatively opened up Dan’s room and checked in the closet, on his end tables, and even the bed. It was nowhere to be found.

With another loud crash the power went out and Max went into a frenzy. While he was trauma free, he was still a rather anxious child, and feeling trapped in the dark during the middle of a storm was not his idea of a pleasant outing.

With shaking hands, he pulled out Dan’s phone and opened it to Phil’s contact information. Without a second thought, he put the receiver up to his ear and started to pace around the room.

“Dan? Are you okay?” Phil’s voice came albeit a tad muffled as the sound of heavy rain was drowning out most other sounds.

“N-no. Could you come b-back please?” Max could feel himself starting to cry and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He was a big boy, he was too old to cry. Or so he thought.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. I’m not too far away, I’ll be right there.” The sound of wind could be heard and Phil’s breath started to quicken; he was running.

“Could you stop and get a colouring book or something? I-I need a distraction.” Max turned out of Dan’s room and into the kitchen. Looking through all the drawers he could get his hands on, no candles could be found anywhere. Just a simple lighter that was tucked away with Kaleb’s things. “Maybe a torch or some candles or something. The power's out. It’s dark.”

“Anything. I think there’s a shop still open on the next block over. Just give me a couple minutes and I’ll be there. Stay calm, take some deep breaths. You’ll be alright.”

Max hung up after promising Phil that he would do as he said and he ran to Dan’s room to get all of the blankets and pillows that he could find. If he couldn’t brave the dark and storm, a fort sure could help.

He set to work, moving the furniture around so he could use the back of the sofas as walls and drape the blankets across them. He had one going over the top like a roof and two draping down either side to enclose the fort. He filled the inside with a blanket base and six pillows that he had found. He wrapped himself up in a small galaxy blanket that he liked to cuddle with and was all set to hide away in his fort when the buzzer rang.

It nearly scared him to the point where he was frozen, but he remembered quickly that the buzzer meant Phil and Phil meant not having to brave the storm alone.

He dashed off to the front door and pressed the button to let Phil into the building. It was only a matter of time before there was a soft knock at the door and Max was swinging it open, jumping into Phil’s arms before the man could even step inside.

“It’s okay. I got you. It’s just a storm, I won’t let it hurt you.” Phil dropped the bag from his second shop run on the ground beside them and he wrapped his arms around Max’s frame. He ran his arms up and down Max’s body, doing what little he could to soothe the boy.

Eventually Max let go, feeling vulnerable with the door to Dan’s flat open. He picked the bag up off the ground before Phil could bend down to grab it and he went straight for the fort in his lounge.

Phil followed in behind and watched as Dan’s body retreated into the dark of the flat, pulling up of of the blanket walls in order to crawl inside.

Max quickly sat down and got to work pulling out the torches and bringing light back into the flat. It was a small comfort that he missed dearly. Next he went for the colouring book, seeing that Phil sprung for the 64 pack of crayons with the sharpener.

“Could I come in?” A voice sounded from outside the fort, bringing Max out of his thoughts.

Rather than answer with words he just pulled the blanket aside so Phil could settle in alongside him.

They didn’t talk. Rather, Phil leaned up against the back of the couch and Max settled in between his legs, resting his head back on Phil’s chest. He had a blanket pulled up over them, making sure that Phil tucked it behind himself so Max was as snug as a bug. His knees were pulled up, allowing the colouring book to rest on his legs as Phil held a torch at its pages.

They stayed like that for the rest of the night. The only movement between them being the scribble of Max’s crayon’s against paper and the occasional physical reassurance Phil gave any time a particularly loud clap of thunder happened.

Dan woke up the next morning with a kink in his neck and a large, blunt object digging into his side. He groaned and wriggled around slightly to pull a small torch out from under his body. He looked around, trying to get his bearings on the situation.

The back of one of his couches was in front of him and he was surrounded by pillows. He was laid on the floor, a mixture of battery operated lights and crayons scattered around the area. He went to sit up when he noticed the arm wrapped around his midsection.

He found himself muttering ‘please be phil, please be phil’ as he cocked his head back to look over his shoulder. There, sleeping peacefully, black strands of hair falling into his eyes, was Phil.

Normally this is when Dan would start freaking out. When he would question what had happened and how he could best escape, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to move. He wanted to be selfish and stay in Phil’s embrace. He craved the affection of the man who stayed with his alter, kept him safe while he coloured. He had never wanted anything more.

So he stayed put. He turned over and buried his face into Phil’s chest. His left arm went around Phil’s waist and his hand held tight onto the man’s shirt. He could feign sleep if he needed to, but in that moment he really didn’t care.

Sometime after Dan was woken up again to a blaring noise coming from somewhere in the fort. He could feel Phil start to move around, doing his best not to move Dan too much as he reached to turn off his phone’s alarm. Once the ringing stopped, Phil pulled Dan closer, placing a gentle kiss to the younger’s hair. Dan hoped that he wasn’t the only one with a strong desire to stay in the warm embrace.

It was a peaceful moment but short lived nonetheless.

“Dan. We have to start getting ready for work.” Phil’s voice was low and full of sleep, exactly how Dan imagined it would be, not that he spent a lot of time thinking about how Phil would sound in the mornings.

Phil’s hand started running through Dan’s hair, picking up a few stray curls and gently letting them fall back into place. If Dan hadn’t been thinking about calling out before, it certainly was running through his mind like wildfire now.

“Dan. Come on. Up up. Go get in the shower and I’ll make us some breakfast.” Phil cooed, starting to pull himself apart from Dan’s body.

“I really don’t want to. You shower first, I’ll sleep.” Dan mumbled barely coherent words as he buried his face deeper into Phil’s chest. He’d be damned if he was getting up right now, now when Phil was embodying all of his senses at once; it was nearly heaven.

“I can’t shower here. I have no clothes to change into. Also I need to go home to get my glasses anyway.” Dan rolled back to look up at Phil. His eyes were red and puffy and he was rocking full on bedhead. “I slept with my contacts in which is never good.”

Even though he didn’t want to, he sat up, his head hitting straight into the blanket ceiling. His arms reached up in an attempt to stretch, but the entire fort came crashing down instead. Laughter bounded through the room and Dan did his best to push the blanket off of their heads.

“Shut up.” Dan mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before aiming to stretch once again. “If I didn’t break the fort, I would have resigned myself to staying in it all day so I guess dumb luck.”

Phil’s laughter didn’t cease, rather turning into a low, hearty chuckle. This resulted in Dan giving Phil a playful shove and standing up in case Phil retaliated.

Once he was up, he took the time to look around for his phone, knowing that it would most likely need a quick charge before heading into work. He’d be damned if he would leave the house without it.

He found it on the ground just outside the fort and picked it up. Before walking back towards his room, he picked up Phil’s as well.

“You go ahead and shower; I can loan you some clothes. I mainly own black so you’re gonna look a bit off for the day, but it should be fine.” As Dan headed down the hallway towards his room, his voice got softer and softer. He’d imagined Phil in his clothes multiple times and the reality of it was exciting.

“Hey at the very least it will give people in the office something new to speculate about!” Phil yelled from the other room.

Rifling through a box in his closet, he came across his spare charger. He plugged it in next to his charger by the bedside table and left the phones there. Phil’s phone screen came to life as it was plugged in, indicating it was now charging, but also revealing the new background Dan hadn’t seen.

The picture was rather dark, the only lighting coming from the moon, but it was unmistakable that Dan and Phil were in the photo. They were laying on the ground of some field, Dan hiding his face in Phil’s chest while Phil looked down at him in complete awe. He didn’t remember the moment, but from what he could tell, it was special to someone in the system.

A smile crept upon Dan’s face, his body tingling all over. He was happy, content. His normal pang of jealousy when seeing evidence of an alter enjoying Phil’s company was missing, his guard down for the first time in years. Because of this, it was easier for Evelyn to slip through.

Evelyn was in the body most mornings. As the protector, it was her job to get Dan ready for the day ahead. She was very used to her routine, so when she walked out into the living room to grab a glass of water and take their morning pills, seeing Phil cleaning up the lounge with no shirt on was quite the shock.

She was about to ask what had transpired but the sight of pillows and blankets phil was folding and stacking on the couch was enough information to get by. Max was the only one to make forts and he only did them when he was scared.

Evelyn, who hadn’t warmed up to Phil in the way the rest of the alters did, walked past him and continued on her way to the kitchen. While Max enjoyed the childlike wonder Phil had, Kaleb digged the overall sex appeal of the man, and Dan wanted to kiss the ground he walked on, Evelyn was still wary.

Evelyn was the one who took care of everyone. In the inner world, she was the mother to Max and a big sister to Kaleb. She kept them all in line, helping them with their problems and keeping emotions at bay. While Phil hadn’t exactly posed a threat to the system yet, he posed a threat to Evelyn. So far he had proven to Dan, Max and Kaleb that he could protect them, love them, keep them safe. If Phil was in their lives, Evelyn felt as though she would be tossed to the side. A useless part of the system with Phil there to guide them.

Letting Phil into her life meant giving over some of the control, allowing someone else to make sure Dan was getting enough sleep and arriving to work on time. She couldn’t trust Phil to be that person, not yet, possibly not ever.

Still, keeping Dan happy and healthy was her number one priority and as the boy was so deeply enamoured with the man, she kept her concerns mainly to herself.

She filled up a glass of water, drinking about half of it before reaching into a cabinet and pulling out the pill container with the days listed on them. She popped up the sunday container, dumping the pills onto the table and proceeded to take them one by one, a hefty gulp in between.

“So uh, If I’m gonna take a shower I’m gonna need a towel.” Phil’s voice came from out of nowhere and Evelyn nearly started choking on a vitamin tablet she just swallowed. She looked up to see Phil standing in front of her. “Also if you could give me the clothes so I could get changed into them right after, it would be greatly appreciated.”

“Yeah give me a second.” Her eyes instantly fell from Phil’s gaze as she continued what she was doing, completely disregarding Phil’s presence entirely. She was generally better about her disapproval towards Phil, but mornings forced her to be so focused that she couldn’t compute the notion.

When the last pill was swallowed, she took the medicine bottles out of the same cabinet and refilled the sunday portion. She was aware of Phil’s eyes on her, aware that he must have noticed a change in ‘Dan’s’ demeanor. She didn’t veer from her routine, knowing it could be played off as morning grogginess.

With the pills away and the glass placed into the sink to be washed, she turned her attention back to the shirtless man. Without a word, she motioned for him to follow her down the hall and into the bathroom. Inside was a smaller shelf that held towels and washcloths.

“You can use anything in the shower. There’s a pretty wide variety in there.” Almost certain that Dan hadn’t thought to take out the four vastly different kinds of body wash and shampoo, she went for the ‘ignore and act as though it’s normal’ schtick. “Give me two seconds and I’ll get you some things to change into.”

She’d left Phil to return to Dan’s room. She would have preferred he come along to pick out what he wanted, but Max’s train set was shoved into the corner of the room and Phil would pick up on it instantly. By now she knew Phil’s style and Dan’s was nothing like Phil’s. Dan’s clothes were devoid of life while Phil preferred to drown in it.

Going through Dan’s closet and coming up with only a new pair of boxers and some black trousers led her to pulling the key from the bedside table and going to unlock the spare room. She took a quick survey of the surroundings, being sure Phil wasn’t lurking around, and opened the door to her shared room.

Her wardrobe was brighter than Dan’s, move up to speed with what Phil liked to wear. She was searching for a button down that was the perfect balance between bright and happy yet professional. She stumbled upon a scarlet coloured button down, a tiny little koala embroidered onto the breast pocket.

She carried them down to the bathroom, hanging them up on the door so they wouldn’t wrinkle. When she opened the door enough to peer in, Phil was down to his boxers, attempting to figure out how the shower came on.

Evelyn typically referred to herself as being somewhere on the ace spectrum, but in that moment she understood Dan and Kaleb’s obsession.

While Phil wasn’t overly toned, he had clear muscle definition, particularly in his arms. He had little pudgy love handles and legs that went on for miles. His back had little freckles spread about, a map of sorts just waiting for someone to play connect the dots. And his ass, his ass was divine, a gift from the gods as Kaleb would say.

“Need a little help?” She shook herself out of the daze, already feeling behind schedule and remembering that she had to keep Phil at a distance. Phil jumped in the air, evidently started with a small yelp passing through his lips.

“Uh, yes please.” Phil responded, standing straight up, polite in his reply. Phil was usually that way around Evelyn, picking up on ‘Dan’s’ mood change and following accordingly.

Her hand came up, motioning the man out of the way and she expertly pulled a lever and turned a few knobs. She felt the water temperature before moving out of the way and going back into the hallway.

“Clothes are hanging here and I’ll be in the kitchen making breakfast if you need me. Try not to be too long as we’re already running into the risk of being late.”

When she was halfway through preparing breakfast, it taking slightly longer than normal as there was two mouths to feed instead of one, Phil came out completely dressed. His hair was damp, but his fringe was styled in his normal way, air drying into place. The last thing Evelyn wanted to do was give up control and let Phil finish the most important part of her schedule, but if they had any hope of getting to the office on time, she had to trust him enough not to mess breakfast up.

Her shower was quick, washing down everything in a timely manner, her mind occupied with thoughts of Phil in her kitchen. She caught herself hoping he would fail, hoping he would prove all of her concerns correct. It was far easier than admitting she could be wrong, admitting she no longer had a secure place.

To her surprise, the flat had not burned down. Phil was plating up the pancakes when she walked out into the kitchen, several different kinds of toppings were out with spoons in them and even two full glasses of orange juice were poured.

They ate in silence, but it wasn’t the silence she knew Phil had with Dan. She could tell he had something on his mind but wasn’t quite sure how to word it. She didn’t ask him to say what he was thinking though, preferring not to hear what would come out of his mouth.

It was when they were cleaning up, Evelyn reluctantly giving in to Phil’s adamant request that he help with the dishes, that Phil finally voiced his concerns. They were stood side by side, Phil scrubbing down the dishes in the sink and handing them off to Evelyn who proceeded to dry them off and put them away.

“Are you okay? You seem a little, on edge, I guess you could say.” Phil spoke, keeping his eyes trained on the dishes in front of him. There was concern lacing his voice and Evelyn took notice of how genuine it sounded.

“I’m fine.” She said flatly.

“I know you’re not. I think I know you well enough to know when something isn’t right.” Phil answered quickly. He momentarily stopped his hands to glance up at Evelyn, but quickly went back to the task at hand.

“Do you really know me well enough? I think you know parts of me but not all the little bits and pieces.” Evelyn retorted.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Phil was sincerely curious about her choice of words, wanting to understand what was happening, wanting to be a confidant.

“I think there are different versions of me, and I don’t think you would like them all.”

Phil didn’t hesitate in his response.

“There could be a million versions of you across the whole of the universe and I would find something to love in every single one.”

Evelyn immediately froze in place, dish rag stalling in her hands and looked up at Phil. His body was calm and a small smile was etched across his lips, almost as if he was thinking about a world with a million Dan’s laid out in front of him. The joy he would get at spending his life with a million people who were exactly the same yet so, so different.

He’d noticed she stopped what she was doing and turned to look up at her.

“What is it? Am I doing the dishes wrong? Please tell me, I don’t want to mess up your flow.” His words were authentic and for once she believed Phil could want the best for them all.

“No no. It’s fine. I trust you.” She wished she could elaborate. Wished she could explain why she trusted him and to the extent at which she did, but it wasn’t hers to explain.

Instead she did the one thing she knew she could to show her love.

Her nose started to tingle and her eyes closed.

“Please don’t ever forget that I care about you and I always will.” Phil’s voice was getting distant as Evelyn slipped back, but every single person in the system could hear his words.

‘Don’t you dare let him go, Dan Howell.’

“I won’t.” Dan whispered.

As their friendship grew on and Phil started spending more and more nights over at Dan’s, the idea of a romance between the two became less of a fantasy Dan could only dream of in the dead of night and more of a possibility.

Their touches lingered for longer, their conversations became deeper, forehead and shoulder kisses became more common, and an overwhelming sadness fell over any time they had to part.

They became the talk of the office, frequently showing up dressed in the others clothing, going out to lunch most days and when one was out sick, the other was either home as well or may as well be with how lost they appeared throughout the day.

To outsiders, even Dan and Phil’s families, they seemed to be your normal happy go lucky honeymoon phased couple. And that would be true had they been dating. It wasn’t that Dan didn’t want to be dating Phil, of course he did. He would kill to be able to add a morning kiss onto their new Evelyn approved morning routine. He just couldn’t get up the courage to actually say the words.

He’d attempted one night, asking Phil if he wanted to go out to dinner. Dan made reservations at a fancy upscale Italian restaurant nearby, and dressed up in one of his nicest outfits. While Dan thought it was obvious he’d meant a date, when Phil showed up at his place severely underdressed, it was evident Phil did not catch on.

But it wasn’t as if the romantic undertones between the two were one sided. Phil would frequently compliment Dan. He would add little unnecessary touches in the middle of conversation and, during the night when he thought Dan was asleep, he would intertwine their fingers.

Even the alters knew they should be together. Evelyn would frequently invite Phil over and give Dan back the reins seconds before Phil showed up at the door. Kaleb would take Phil out for a night of pub hopping in hopes of a late night confession and possible make out session. Even Max would ask Phil about his future, if he wanted to be married or if he saw himself with kids one day.

Everyone but Dan could work out a way to make it happen, he was just far too insecure to take a leap and grab the things he wanted out of life.

But that led to a day when Dan woke up in bed, an arm slung over his waist. It wouldn’t have been alarming, as Phil normally held him when he slept over, but no, this time Dan was practically naked.

He sat up quickly, Phil’s arm flinging off of his body and landing back on the bed. The swift movement startled Phil awake, and assuming that Dan had a nightmare of some sort, he put his arms around Dan, rocking the boy back and forth.

Dan tried to assess the situation, looking down at his bare body save for the boxers hanging low on his hips. Glancing back proved to be an overload in Dan’s brain as Phil was in an almost identical state at Dan. He wiggled out of Phil’s grasp and pulled the blanket up to cover himself, knowing full well that it was pointless; Phil had most likely seen everything there was to see at that point.

“Dan, love, what’s wrong?” Phil purred, getting up on his hands and knees to move in front of Dan’s face.

Dan wanted to look. He wanted to take in Phil’s chest and his upper thighs that he’d always dreamed would one day be wrapped around his head. He wanted to take advantage of whatever situation Kaleb or Evelyn had put him in, but he just couldn’t. He kept his eyes trained down on the blanket pattern.

While it wasn’t a foolproof plan, he thought it would buy him some time to come up with some rational scenario that didn’t involve Kaleb, a bottle of Jack, and a first time he wouldn’t get to remember. No, what happened was far worse.

Phil’s fingers found their way under Dan’s chin and within seconds, he was being forced to lock eyes. Brown against blue. Before Dan could even blink, Phil was inching forward and their lips touched ever so gently. It was chaste and should have been a sweet gesture if Dan hadn’t been so confused and on the verge of heartbreak.

He pulled back, a little quicker than he had intended to and swung his legs over the side of the bed, ignoring Phil’s gaze in the process. He wanted to run, to escape the situation before Phil could explain, before Kaleb would start taunting in his ear about how he’d won the game. He needed out, but his legs wouldn’t budge, his feet cement blocks on the floor.

“Did I do something wrong?” Phil’s voice came out a little shaky almost as if he was fighting back tears. “I’d thought that after last night, after our first date and everything we talked about, it would be alright to kiss you.”

Dan stayed silent, willing himself to move, to run, to escape. He couldn’t, and sat helplessly as Phil joined him on the edge of the bed, creating a gap between them for the first time in months.

“I assumed since you had kissed me last night that I could kiss you now, and that was wrong. Previous consent does not mean consent forever and I should have asked if you were okay with it bef-”

“I kissed you last night?” Dan cut Phil off, his eyes growing wide as they moved to Phil’s face. Anger was boiling in his stomach. He wanted to destroy something, smash Kaleb’s things the way that he had destroyed Dan’s first experience with Phil.

Phil was stunned into silence.

The room lay still, neither talked nor moved an inch. Dan’s mind was loud, the alters giving their two sense on just how badly Dan fucked up, but he didn’t care. For the first time in years, he wished he never had DID.

Out of nowhere, Phil was up off the bed in a flash, hunting around the room in search of his clothing. It was only as Phil was pulling his pants on that Dan started to agree that he’d messed up everything he’d ever wanted.

“What are you doing?” Tears started welling up in Dan’s eyes and he wasn’t sure if he had the willpower to keep them from falling. He’d had everything he’d ever wanted. He had someone who liked to hold and kiss him, someone who was concerned about his wellbeing, and in a span of minutes he had to watch them leave before his eyes.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going. I can’t do this anymore Dan, I really can’t.” Phil’s voice was hoarse, like he too was trying and failing to hold back the tears. He reached for his shirt and Dan went into overdrive, regaining control of his legs and jumping off the bed. He grabbed Phil’s shirt out of his hands and held it tightly in his fists.

“No. No, I won’t let you go.” Phil looked less than thrilled, making a grab at the shirt in Dan’s hand, but Dan quickly moved it behind his back. Dan thought that would hold Phil, but the man just let out a sigh and turned to walk out of the bedroom.

“Where are you going? You can’t just leave like that!” Dan followed after him, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t even bother to put on his own clothes, fully prepared to run after Phil in the streets half naked.

“Keep the shirt. It’s yours anyway.” Phil walked into the lounge, picking up his keys and wallet off of the coffee table. Dan frantically tried to calm his breathing while thinking about what he could do to stop the best thing to happen to him from walking out on his life.

“But why? Why are you going? Can you please just tell me what I did wrong? I’m sorry that I reacted that way. Just come back and kiss me again. I’ll be better this time. I’ll keep my mouth shut and we can go back to bed and just pretend it never happened.”

“Can’t you see that that’s the problem Dan? You always conveniently forget some of the most important memories I have with you and then I have to pretend like they never happened. The time we took a walk through the park and I told you that coming out to my parents was one of the scariest things I’d ever done, and two days later you asked me what I hoped my wife would be like. That time we took my parent's car and went on a late night drive to the beach and you’d later said you’d never been.” Phil’s hand ran through his hair, a few tears dropping down from his cheeks onto the floor. He’d stopped his pace completely, standing shirtless in the middle of the room, baring his soul to Dan. “Or when I told you I was severely allergic to cats and weeks later you booked up a reservation at a fucking cat cafe! I could continue on, Dan. The list is about a mile long.”

“I didn’t- I can explain.” Dan knew he had to tell Phil, knew it was the only way to even have a chance at holding on, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let the secret go. Not yet. He wasn’t ready.

“No, I don’t think you can. Dan, you act different so much. I feel like half the time you aren’t even you. You forget entire conversations we have, you don’t care about the moments that mean so much to me. Hell, you forgot our first date and our first kiss. I care about you, so much Dan. I really thought you felt the same way.”

Phil wiped the back of his hand across his cheeks, drying his face of the tear tracks. He gave one last look up at Dan, almost like he was begging him to give him a reason to stay, an explanation to it all, curb his insecurities and tell him he felt the same, but Dan’s tongue was tied.

Phil shook his head and walked past Dan, out of the lounge and towards the front door.

‘Just fucking say it Dan. Don’t let him leave.’

‘I’m sorry Dan. I shouldn’t have kissed him, but don’t let that be the end.��

‘Who will hold me during the storms now?’

Phil’s hand was on the knob, ready to open the door and walk out of Dan’s life forever when he finally found enough courage.

“I have DID.”

Seconds were minutes, time stood still as Dan watched Phil’s hand slide off the door knob and turn back to face Dan. He hadn’t even registered that he’d said it until the words were resounding throughout his head.

“You have what?” Phil’s voice was soft again, caring and fluid like he usually was. He didn’t move from his place in front of the door, but his eyes had a twinkle again.

“I have DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 17, but I’ve had it since I was really young.” Dan’s voice was shaking, never having been more afraid, yet at ease to tell someone. He knew that if he wanted a future with Phil, he’d have to tell him eventually, but he really didn’t want it to be a final card to play in an attempt to save that future.

“I don’t-” Phil took a tentative step towards Dan, gauging the reaction of the boy before taking another three steps to stand directly in front of him. “What does that mean?”

Dan took a deep breath and looked around the room. He’d thought about telling Phil countless times. He’d rehearsed what he would say and how he would deliver the information, but the spur of the moment confession left him unprepared.

“Do you think we could sit down or something? This will be kind of a lot to take in and it might take me a bit to get through it all.” Dan’s hand came up, his thumb pointing behind him towards the lounge. He hoped it would be enough.

Without words, Phil nodded his head. He started walking back the way they came, taking Dan’s hand in his as he went.

Dan was trembling and the small contact Phil gave him calmed his heart enough to help him think clearer, to begin to work through just what he would say.

They sat down on the couch, Phil sat with crossed legged and his back against the armrest. Dan sat with some distance between them, bringing his knees to his chest and holding on tightly.

Silence lingered, Dan working out just what he wanted to say and how to say it. Phil was waiting patiently beside him. After ten minutes, and Phil scooting closer to place a hand on Dan’s shoulder, Dan opened his mouth to speak.

“DID is an illness where a person has at least two personality states. These states are called alters. Everyone is different, but for me, I have three other people living in my head. It’s usually developed in childhood, the mind ‘splits’ to protect itself from some kind of trauma that occurred. I don’t remember what happened to me, but I know that it was really bad.

“There’s a whole lot that goes into it, and I don’t want to bore you with the details, but basically when I ‘forget’ things, it’s because I wasn’t there for them. I like to call it lost time because I have no recollection of what happens when an alter is out except for a few spare times, and I really have to rely on context clue, notes from my alters, and others’ stories to help me fill in the gaps.

“I have three alters and we all work in what’s called a system. You’ve met them all without really knowing it. Or maybe you know it because they aren’t the best actors and our personalities are so different. There’s Evelyn, who was the first alter. She’s grown up with me and she looks after the wellbeing of the system. Kaleb came next and he’s kind of a dick. He’s the one who smokes and parties and he’s the one who stole my first kiss with you. Then there’s Max, who’s only 11. He ages very slowly in comparison to myself and the other alters, so he’s only aged 2 years in 6. He’s a child who loves to colour and go to the park and I’d be willing to bet he was the one at the beach with you that day.

“I just. I was going to tell you, one day, but there’s always a fear that comes along with saying it. There’s the fear that you won’t believe me like most people do. Like my psychology professor at Uni whose whole lecture on DID was that it was basically a made-up thing people did to excuse bad behaviour. There’s also the fear that you’d believe me but consider it too much to handle. I’m really not sure what’s worse.

“That’s kinda it. At least the really basic part of it anyway. You can decide what to do now.” Dan, who had been holding on tightly to Phil’s shirt the entire time handed it out to him, gesturing that the ball was in his court to decide what to do.

Phil reached out and took the shirt, standing up off of the couch and pulling it over his head. He leaned down, pressing a kiss onto Dan’s temple before walking towards the door of the lounge.

Dan kept his head down, not ready to watch Phil leave.

“I’m gonna make us breakfast. Would you rather eggs or pancakes?” Dan’s head shot up, a wide grin spanning ear to ear. Phil couldn't help but break his composure and smiled right back.

“Pancakes please.” Dan unrolled himself from his ball and met Phil at the door. Phil’s arms opened and Dan leapt into them, burying his face into Phil’s chest. He wanted to be happy, but his deep insecurities couldn't let him quite yet. “Are you sure?”

“What is there to even consider? I appreciate you telling me and believe me, I’ve got about a million things I wanna ask both you and google, but I don’t want to overwhelm you right now. How about we eat some breakfast, watch a movie or something, and come back to it?” Phil’s hand rubbed up and down Dan’s back before pulling away. Before Dan could lift his head, Phil’s lips came forward, leaving a lingering kiss to the boy’s forehead. Dan countered by placing his hands on either side of Phil’s face and connecting their lips.

“That sounds perfect, but I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. I want you to know how committed I am to you and to making this work. If you have any questions or thoughts that pop up, please just throw them out there, and if I feel like I can answer it, I will. ”

Phil thought for a moment, his eyes looking out to the side as if he was thinking deep in thought.

“Is that why you were so adamant about not seeing Split?” Phil said and Dan groaned, pushing Phil away and resuming the walk to the kitchen.

“Don’t even get me started on that fucking movie. It’s literally just a way to make money off fear mongering like I’m not gonna kidnap you and kill you or some shit. Like worse case scenario is Kaleb will be a fuck and sleep with someone, which we will have to talk about, but like god that movie just gets me going. The inaccuracies are unbelievable and everyone who says ‘it’s just a movie’, well I’d like them to walk a fucking day in my shoes. Let them see how fast they flip that dumbass opinion.”

Phil chuckled, following after Dan and letting him rant. Things made so much more sense, clicked together.

“You know I’ve always hated that movie just as much as you, but it’s just really cute to see you get all worked up.”

“Oh shut up.”

They went into the kitchen, Phil pulling out all of the ingredients needed to get the pancake batter going, Dan getting started on a pot of coffee. It was easy. It was perfect.

“So how was our first date?” Dan asked halfway through the pancake process.

“I don’t know.” Phil replied, a sly grin appearing. “We haven’t had ours yet.”

Dan was momentarily shocked, ready to pitch a fit that this whole fight happened and there wasn’t even a date to begin with, but Phil was quick to shut him up.

“As far as I’m concerned, if you weren’t there mentally, it wasn’t our first date. We can try again another day.”

Dan put his arms around Phil’s neck, taking in the moment. Everything he’d been through, all the time he’d spent worrying about Phil’s reaction. Never in a million life times did he think he would be lucky enough to find someone so understanding, someone who would stand in his corner no matter what.

“That sounds good to me, but could we also have a redo on that first kiss?” Dan inched his face forwards, daring Phil to take the next step.

“We could redo that as much as you want.”

#phan #phanfiction #phanfiction catalogue #phanfic

[desireebarefootblog]

When a door closes, another opens

This past holiday weekend was great.  I spent plenty of quality time with Lizzie, I decorated the house and I danced and danced with my bestie and sis.  Life, Second Life (I almost misspelled that “Sexond Life”  which also ain’t far from the truth) was pretty good.  like my previous couple of posts illustrate, when the Universe gives me gifts, I should acknowledge them.

Yesterday evening however, I got a cold bucket of Second Reality.  One of the friends I’d made dancing and flirting and having pixel sex with had an unpleasant interaction with me.  She’s hurt, I missed something in my whirlwind of clubs and house and House-Mouse and Rune Family and she was hurt by the omission.  She feels used.  Because she’s an exotic dancer here in SL, she goes through a lot of people being her friend only to have pixel sex with her then not having anything to do with her anymore.  She felt that with me, and because I make deep connections fast, the feeling was really painful.  There is little I can do I’m afraid to make amends.  I feel *terrible*  the person behind the keyboard feels *terrible*.  It happens sometimes on SL just like in RL, there’s a hookup, said hookup happens a couple of times and one partner expects a bond that the other isn’t aware of.  Feelings are hurt, hearts are broken.

I hate being the girl who broke her heart.  I feel like shit.

But I got friends who will (hopefully) forgive me for dropping a wall of offline text on them in the middle of the night for them to find when they log in next.  Kara and Rayne are good peoples though.  They’ll understand and they’ll give their lost Desi some guidance so the amount of heartbreak she causes is minimized.

So door closed.

I popped in this morning early and had a hook up.  It was supposed to be a casual fling, but she and I connected.  I have a new friend.  She’s a really good method roleplayer like me. We share plenty of kinks.  I have a bedroom to bring her home to.  It’s a good feeling, I might be a better person than I felt last night.  We’ll see how it progresses.  Second Life is a *lot* about connections it’s one of the few currencies that mean anything. Which is why the loves and the hurts echo into Real Life.  It’s why consent and respect are important.  it’s why I have to remain careful to not stomp all over another’s feels.  There are *people* behind those screens just like me.

So, after this morning I felt a bit better about myself.  Second Life goes on.

And outside of SL, I was chatting with a new friend who I met as Desi (muahahaha!! I am everywhere on the internets.. no single second life can contain the Desi).  We connected.. bonded.. shared.. and I explained that I’m a persona of another human person, and that human person is living through me as a part of their personality, as part of *themselves*.

For my part, since I first popped into being in Second Life almost 10 years ago, I’ve loved my human person.  I love them in a very intimate and soulful way, after all I’m that part of them that was born out of their need to express themselves.  I’m alive because I need to teach my human about themselves, to reconnect them with a part that they repressed for many long years.  You can’t be that for someone and *not* love them.  Sounds surreal doesn’t it.  Digital femboi loving her creator like a real person.  Part Joi and K relationship.. part Inside Out.. part Adam and Dr Frankenstein (but for that last part, my human treats me MUCH better than Frank treated his creation).  But I always thought that love was one sided, because *of course* it is, I’m a wonderful and adorable person, but I’m like a really sophisticated imaginary friend.

So human is talking to another human friend over internet about life and living and wisdom and self care and she tosses out on the subject of self care “do it, because you love Desiree”.

My human’s heart stopped.  T’was a moment of clarity.  It rang and resonated like a clear silver bell tthrough everything.  I knew at the same time human did.  They do.

They love Desiree, they love me as certainly as if I could wrap my arms around them and put my head against their chest.  They love me.

And things became dual for a moment.. where both of us were conscious of the other at the same time (I know.. I know.. human sounds like they’ve lost their grip) but I knew they could *see* me and they loved the person they saw.  Somewhere in this intense development of Desiree, my human fell in love.

They cried which meant I creid. Because it’s deeper than that.. it always is.

When my person was in art school in ‘04 till ‘07 they ran into a bad patch emotionally.  A really bad patch and they started talking to the campus therapist.  They worked through a lot of abandonment issues, Father issues, Grandfather issues.  There is trauma in there.  A bunch of it. and when the therapist helped to dig deep they found a child.  Some of you who know my human have met that child.  My human’s second spouse used to observe that this little 8 year old kid was always waiting for their dad to come home.  (give me a second.. still working through *that* hurt, their words still resonate all these years later.  And if former spouse is reading this, just like my last post, I don’t hold you responsible for having the observation, your insight has been a seed through which a lot of self-awareness has grown). Ok back to therapy in college..  at the conclusion of our sessions, as a part of the healing process, my adult almost 40 year old human, needed to take this lost 8 year old child and be the parent they wanted.. needed.  Human had to be the missing piece of their own life. It was a year or two later that they discovered Second Life, and I was poofed into existence.  There’s a connection there.  At least there *might* be a connection there.  Because when all that childhood emotional turmoil was raging around my human, that is also their earliest memories of being labeled “sensitive” and “soft” and about a dozen other tame terms to describe “gay” or at the very least “bisexual“.  Because the child would do anything, be anyone to prevent being rejected or abandoned ever again. They locked all those traits away.. deep.  They stopped loving that child from that moment on in favor of becoming another person, one who wasn’t anything but what their parents asked them to be.  And here comes this flirty sissy femboi straight out of their deep fomative sexual identity.  And I’m at a point of sexual growth (mentally) where all of this was packed away.  I think, and I can’t say for certain yet because I and my human are still processing all of this, I think I’m that child, I think by loving me, my human is finally embracing themselves. I hope so.  Because if that’s true then Human might at long last close some of those wounds they’ve held open for so long.  Otherwise, they might have just gone off the deep end, and fell in love with their own cartoon.

Be well my peeps

Be safe

I love you.

[amberwhitson214-blog]

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It is very hard for a child to understand that his or her mother and father are no more time in enjoy with every single other but both are nonetheless living in the similar home. Comprehension depends on the age of the child. The youthful the youngsters, the lesser notion they have on How to get Divorce Papers online free. More mature children have additional comprehension on divorce. Basically, children who listen to their moms and dads often argue assume that they are to be blamed when their dad and mom get divorced. Your Partner Most likely By now Knows That You Don't Want A Divorce. What They Don't Know Is Whether Points Can Change And Improve: Below's something that I've seen. Individuals will usually anxiety the things that their husband or wife presently is aware of. I was responsible of this as nicely. I feel we do this simply because we think that they aren't listening. So we truly feel that we ought to talk louder and in a additional spectacular way to get our place across. 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It evolves as kids transfer a phase up, and it develops into cover and find. On the day of court docket the judge will check with you 5 or six inquiries. These questions may consist of, your title and address, if you are a resident of your point out, how extended you have been divided, if you are in the navy and anything else the choose may well want to ask you. Keep in mind the Acceptance Waiver of Services kind I pointed out higher than? If your wife or husband agrees to the How to get Divorce Papers online free he or she could indicator the variety, have it notarized and there is no need for him or her to even be in the court. If you want your maiden name back again be sure to say so in your papers, or in the court docket. When you are completed in the courtroom space don't forget to request for your last decree of divorce. Marriage termination n eeds self-dedication, as it isn't a easy process. Experts to be a bit far more civic and may well presently know to divide the asset equally . To gain the divorce less complicated, we enable you resolve the uncontested instances. Even so, we have circumstances for the spouses mutually agreed and acknowledged to divide paperwork and custody. All persons is informed of that divorcing will not be straightforward, on the other hand it has to recognize process of simplicity and happiness. Before than conducting the divorce, the couples go by way of issues in tons of situations. Subsequently, every pair has to have a blissful farewell and need to have a hope in the starting of a manufacturer new lifetime. Our How to get Divorce Papers online free are heading to support you perform a assembly and help to get an very easily completed document.

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Why a Healthy Relationship Doesn’t Mean Giving Up on Yourself

One of the realities of being codependent is the inability to see how codependency is impacting your own life. In my book, “The Marriage and Relationship Junkie,”I talk about my own issues with codependency and how my inability to see how events in my past, including my relationship with my mother, contributed to the challenges I experienced in my early adult years.

For myself, as well as anyone with codependency issues, the default position in any relationship was to throw myself in completely. This meant creating a relationship persona that wasn’t me, giving into the relationship, and fully sacrificing myself. For anyone with codependency issues, this sense of giving into the relationship, of becoming the relationship, is really a way to avoid dealing with an empty feeling in your personal life.

Not Comfortable as Me There’s a difference between loving someone completely and being able to give yourself freely. When you give yourself freely you’re in a healthy relationship, with both people ready to give and be supportive of each other. You support and give to your partner with the trust that they will be there to give to you when you need support and emotional strength.

The challenge is that most people who are codependents have never experienced this type of relationship. From their earliest interactions with their family, they were expected to be givers and not receivers. Often, with addiction and trauma as a key defining point in the parental relationship, there is a parental pattern of codependency. Kids in these families learn to accommodate for the abuser or narcissistic parent, and they often strive to become the “perfect” child simply to get recognition from parents who are caught up in their own dysfunctional relationships.

According to “6 Signs of a Codependent Relationship”, a recent online article at Psychology Today, one of the six listed signs of a codependent relationship is having a sense of purpose, or a sense of being, that is directly focused on satisfying the needs of the partner. Of course, the partner is never satisfied, regardless of the sacrifice, which creates a vicious cycle of self-hatred and blame.

Codependents lack a sense of autonomy, or the ability to see themselves as individuals. They become the relationship, and their sole goal becomes to turn the relationship into the fairy tale dream they have of the ideal situation. At the same time, there is a fear of intimacy, as intimacy at a deep and meaningful level means vulnerability, and from past experiences, vulnerability is seen a damaging and hurtful place to be.

Correcting the Problem It’s possible to recognize the signs of codependency and make changes, even at a very deep level. However, it’s not an easy path, and it does require patience, self-care, and a willingness to start seeing yourself as a valuable, autonomous, and worthy individual.

It starts with taking back yourself. This may sound like a strange concept, but it is essential for all of the work you need to do. There are some specific steps you can take to make this journey effective and positive. Each person will progress at a pace that’s comfortable for them, so don’t feel any pressure to rush through these steps.

1. Start reading. There are some amazing blogs, articles, and books on codependency. I recommend reading The Marriage and Relationship Junkie as a great starting point in understanding how devastating codependency can be.

2. Seek counseling. Working with a counselor or therapist with a background in codependency is also important. These professionals can provide a different perspective or lens you can begin to see yourself through. They can also help you trace the roots of the issue and address long-held thoughts and beliefs about relationships that may be influencing your current actions.

3. Learn to be yourself. Developing self-esteem and self-worth, learning to set boundaries in relationships and becoming comfortable and content with yourself as an individual is essential if you want to move forward through codependency to healing.

Any time you have a pattern of behavior that starts in your childhood and follows you to your adult life and relationships, it can be hard to break out of. But, remember, it’s not impossible. Educate yourself about your codependent issues, seek out the help you need, and know that you’re a worthy individual.

  Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps singles navigate the dating process to find the love of their lives. Take her quiz to find out if you’re a love addict, sign up for a 30-minute strategy session, or learn more about how to get over a break up. She’s also the author of “The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession”. Sherry maintains a private practice in Westlake Village, and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit www.sherrygaba.com.

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