#she said I should stop being angry at myself for avoiding people who make me feel sad and im really trying to internalize this

[utilitycaster]

i think it's telling that so many of the responses to imogen's convos with liliana and laudna were 'this is kinda fucked up and i am fascinated by it and am enjoying it' and but the response to THAT was like 'STOP trying to make everything toxic, ugh fandom never should've learned therapy speak'. like. ignoring that's NOT what that is, people are pretty clearly interacting POSITIVELY with these moments but because what they're enjoying is the parts that are messy, that's somehow bad too???

YUP! There are definitely people who use therapy speak inappropriately, including about Imogen and Laudna, and honestly I pretty specifically avoided using the word "toxic" (or "codependent") about their most recent interaction, but like...there is nothing wrong with enjoying the relationship for being messy! A good deal of the people who are calling it toxic or messy are people who support it and enjoy it! A good deal of people who don't particularly like the relationship for being flat and bland and the conflict constantly fizzling out into nothing, myself included, perked up at yesterday's conversation! It was fascinating: Laudna went to comfort Imogen and told her she loved her, and Imogen's response was to say "oh, you love me? well then why did you go running off to Delilah the second we were apart? why did you lie to me a second time [Laudna did not lie to her the first time, which by now Imogen knows]?"

I don't actually think Imogen's opinions re: Delilah are inconsistent - I think she very specifically started becoming uncomfortable after encountering Delilah in the middle of the night in Whitestone (and I think Laura said as much on a 4SD too), and so her previous assertions about digging into their power sources are not hypocritical. However, yeah, I think we should talk about how both of the two big kisses between these characters are specifically Imogen trying to cut off an emotional speech from Laudna - I don't think it is intended as manipulation, but rather coming from a place of profound fear, but that's still something you need to deal with because this is now three pretty significant cases of kicking the can of conflict down the road and it's only snowballing. I think we should talk about how actually maybe it's valid that Imogen, who has had to make a lot of difficult decisions regarding her engagement with Predathos's power and could be risking losing her powers through her actions, is frustrated that Laudna hasn't done the same with Delilah, but neither of them are working it out. Imogen is letting an assassination of her mother go forward - and I agree with her choice - and Laudna hasn't done anything to extricate herself from Delilah in 30 years despite expressing interest early in the campaign. Imogen is about to lose her mother because her mother declared her reliance on a potentially evil power as an inevitability and wouldn't listen to her, and Laudna's now doing the exact same thing.

And on the other hand, again, Laudna hasn't lied to Imogen. Imogen cut off Laudna's angry, hurt, and extremely valid rant about being betrayed by Bor'Dor by asking to kiss her and so Laudna, trying to make Imogen happy, never worked out these feelings and they've just been building up. Laudna can't express her fears to Imogen because Imogen will demonstrably cut her off. If Imogen is disgusted by Delilah, and that's not going away, what does that mean? Like, is the love enough? I don't know? Could be, but not without actually having a means of resolving all of these extremely valid hurt feelings, and they don't have that. And maybe some of us would like to have some resolution, and are getting real tired of the particularly dim children going "uwu let me have my cottagecore stardew valley dream you all are such MEANIES let people like things" which. Again, if the fact that other people want different things from this relationship is genuinely preventing you from liking things, that's entirely your problem, because I like all kinds of things other people dislike. If you cannot stomach any dissent from your personal interpretation and perceive it as an attack, that says a lot of things about you and none of them bode well.

There is a deeply frustrating tendency that is not limited to this fandom, nor to discussion of Imogen and Laudna, to deny that traumatized characters can hurt other people. You see it with some of the dumber discussions of Ludinus that presume he is specifically a survivor of Aeor (valid as a theory, but unconfirmed); his (hypothetical) trauma does not negate how many other people's lives he's ruined. Percy is deeply traumatized but he did still introduce the gun to the world. Fjord is traumatized but had he willingly completed Uk'otoa's unsealing that would have caused untold damage. Astrid is traumatized but she's still done terrible things as a Volstrucker. FCG and Yasha are both traumatized and both were not even in control of their actions when they caused their worst harm, and they both feel terrible about what they've done. I mean, touching on this episode, it is not actually a contradiction to say both "Liliana is traumatized and has been indoctrinated by a cult and is a victim of said cult and genuinely believes she is doing this for Imogen's benefit" and also "Liliana is a fucking shitty mom." These are both true. This is what cycles of abuse and generational trauma look like. This is what that "blorbo-centered morality" is; suddenly when it's your favorite character they can do no wrong and every explanation becomes, instead, an excuse.

I've been talking a lot about the harassment in this fandom and it really is like...look, I don't know if this harassment is coming, from some of those partaking in it, from a personal trauma. I do not want to ascribe shitty behavior to mental illness, because some people are just assholes. But if it is - it doesn't make it okay! If you are lashing out and sending hate because you project a lot of your own trauma onto Imogen or your own relationships to that of Imogen and Laudna and you perceive every bit of criticism as an attack on you, guess what! You're being a fucking asshole by trying to hurt other people and it does not ultimately matter that it might come from a place of your own hurt and you need to stop.

I've been going off about this and related topics all morning and so I do want to step back and say that I believe this is a relatively small group of people with an outsized toxic impact. I do think that many people are enjoying the relationship for its complexity and unhealthy, messy aspects, that most people would love to read more Imogen meta that covers her as a whole, complex person and not as a tee hee just a silly guy girlfailure. But yeah, I think everyone is getting increasingly done with the group of people who throw a tantrum and retreat into the most idiotic See Spot Run-levels of conflict fantasies whenever there's actual grit and friction and mess in the relationship.

#answered #Anonymous #cr spoilers

[fuwaprince]

I'm in a terribly dark place after coming home. Sad and tired. Angry. I'm sorry for speaking about my life again. I wish I could post without bothering anybody

I went out last night with the same old dude for a cig run. I thanked him for making time for me and gave him some of the frosted brownies that my stomach couldn't handle eating. I wanted to make it as worth it for him as possible since I know people's help is usually conditional. The brownie offering wasn't enough for him. He wanted more.

I had already been crying all day and night and just wanted to leave the house for a break. Just wanted something to change since I was basically rotting away in bed. I didn't want to be alone anymore. Anybody's company would do. I reach out online often for strangers that want to meet for a once time distraction.

When I make it to the gas station, I get two sodas. One for me and one for him. The girl cleaning the drink machines who is also the girl working the register was so sleepy and exhausted that I had to help her check out my items. She looked at me like she was struggling and she could clearly see the struggle that I was going through by looking at my face. I told her, "enjoy the rest of your shift" and she told me that she really appreciates that and to have a safe night. Seeing her was the best part of my whole damn day honestly. She kept apologizing for being tired and I just kept saying "no, thank you for everything you do", "thank you for working", "thank you for being here". It meant something to hear her wish me safety.

I go back to the guy's car and we drive to some empty lot so that I can smoke a cig. He kept relentlessly trying to force me to touch him, as per usual, by guiding me with his hands and pulling me into him while I'm standing. It was so annoying and forceful. I kept saying no angrily, stepping away and dancing around him with my lit cig to avoid being touched... After a long fucking time and many failed attempts at trying to force me, it was enough to get him to stop. Glad that I didn't play the role he had in mind but I don't enjoy the consequences either.

I thought about my ex who is the only other person irl who sometimes gives me rides. One time he dropped me off and told me things like "I COULD be like them" "I COULD take advantage of you" as if he's doing me a favor by not. Thanks ex of mine, that's so sweet of you to not violate me!

Guy who just got rejected again cried a bunch next to me and mumbled shit under his breath for the rest of the night. Said maybe he should leave then which reminds me of the time he suggested that he should care less because I didn't let him touch me during a car ride that I asked for in the middle of the night.

He gives backhanded ass comments all night long about how maybe I'll finally do something for myself and work harder to live the life most privileged people such as himself just get born into. He tried randomly bringing up how he saw screenshots of texts I sent to my mom that weren't very kind. I'm not sure why. He just wanted to spite me for not complying.

PS I would say that shit to her face in front of anybody and everybody. I would post it on my blog. I don't give a fuck. I don't take any of it back. She failed as a mother of two. She abused a dog to death. She failed to protect me, denied me a relationship with my birth dad and his whole family, lied that her most recent husband was my father and let him abuse me all my fucking life. She didn't even tell me my race out of shame and groomed me to hate "Spanish" people (she's too afraid to say Mexican, idk why). I would've never found out if I wasn't so damn persistent to find out why her stories don't add up. She sabotaged the benefits I was depending on in hopes I starved to death. Literally. Fuck her. When I called her crying that my ex had broken my bones and left me with a bloody face, she told me I was a liar and made sure to tell everyone else I was a liar too (despite my ex OPENLY ADMITTING TO BEING VIOLENT TOWARDS ME. I had to beg him to tell them it was true. She and her friend's whole family still call me a liar). She denied me being raped as a child. She acted like me calling CPS would ruin the family the day I threatened to without really knowing what CPS was. Her husband was going to choke me if I didn't. My mom has done FUCKED UP SHIT. FORCED ME TO LIE AND PRETENDED HER DENTURES BROKE TO GET MONEY FROM HER FAMILY MEMBERS SO SHE COULD FUEL A GAMBLING ADDICTION INSTEAD OF USING IT TO PAY FOR US TO HAVE MORE THAN JUST EGGS AND RICERONI DURING THE 2008 RECESSION. She forged my signature to move me schools when I gained the courage to tell a counselor at my highschool about the abuse when I was a freshman. She told me I was a liar and that I never got raped after the doctor whispered to her during an appointment that my fucking child hymen was broken and asked if she knew why. She told me to lie for her and to protect her husband so that he would still pay for the house he would eventually kick me out of. She said they'd take my brother and I and split us apart into different foster homes if I did and I would never see him again. She threw belts at me on my birthday. She took a whole rack of belts that her husband had in the closet and angrily threw them on top of my crying body on my 18th birthday. She said "you want to hang yourself? Here! Hope this helps!". She left me waiting after school until 9pm regularly. Telling me not to come home even though it was only across the bridge and down a few easily walkable streets. She told me I would get raped if I did. She'd ignore my calls from the payphone because I didn't have a phone growing up. She told me it was because I didn't deserve one and I would use it to talk crap about her. She said that's the same reason she didn't give me braces "why would I fix your ugly teeth? You use them to talk shit about me". She threw knives at me and my little bro when I was 7. She would tear down the whole house, pack it into a box and LEAVE without telling anybody where for so long. My brother and I would cry. And if we went to our grandma's house or knocked on the neighbor's door, we would get punished for "bringing our problems to other people". My mom has done horribly fucked up shit. She would attack me and rip apart all my belongings. All the art I was proudly posting on my empty walls. She'd destroy whatever I put up in her routine attacks. Then she would leave me crying to clean her mess after unplugging the home phones and leaving. I was too young to figure out why they wouldn't work and I remember being so desperate to call my elementary school friends for help. When I told them what happened, she would tell them that I was a liar seeking attention and not to listen to me. When I told people I was suicidal, she told them I was spoiled and fine because I had both my parents (I didn't). I didn't have lights in my bedroom until I was in my senior year of highschool. When I lost my baby, she said God punished me because I'm bad.

He asked if I would share a place with him again and I told him it's polite to offer but no because I don't want to commit suicide from being mistreated in another shitty home situation where if I don't abide by people's every command, they kick me out on my ass... Which is exactly what would happen. I'm not trying to be owned, trapped as a sex slave and threatened to be thrown back onto the streets if I don't play the role he casts onto me. I don't consent to it. Not gonna happen. People who don't understand the situation will tell me that I'm choosing to be miserable by not accepting his offer. People like his mother will say I'm a "bad woman" for not just marrying her entitled brat. That's who she is. She lies to people saying I threaten her and that I'm crazy nowadays. She tried showing off some screenshots of texts that I sent her. I hope anybody who judges me based on a few angry texts know that they're part of the problem.

I'm back home now. I don't want to exist. I don't want to be. I really wish somebody would smoke me out so that I can pass out in bed and hopefully not wake up crying tomorrow morning. I'm coping how I can. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to be here. I'm so desperate to escape my situation but all my opportunities to leave are actually just worse options. I wish I had SOMEBODY here who actually wanted good for me. I feel like I don't have anyone.

Thank you again for following my shitty life story. I'm sorry for being so sad. Things aren't fine. I just want life to be okay

#i need emotional support #i need care #i need unconditional love #i need somebody to depend (not weed) #i need a hug #i need financial support #i need shelter that isn't plagued with terrorism and mistreatment. #i need friends who will hang out with me late at night without violating me #i need an applogy for how shitty my life sucks #i need good parents #i would reslly really really like to smoke with somebody chill so that i wasn't alone and fantasizing about terrible things #don't read this but if you do brace yourself for crap #i love you #babbling

[free--therapy]

Hii, it's anon! Hope this new year has been treating you right 💖

I come bearing questions (which you might find really silly) but they matter a lot to me since I have periods of self-doubt. I actually have many questions but I'll just write down which I remember right now. I hope I'm not wasting your time by asking such silly stuff

1. I read a post which said, "If you can't believe in your own goodness, believe in others who believe in your good." And I think that's wonderful but what keeps me from applying that to myself is I end up thinking...."But what if they only see my fake or people pleasing self?"

Reason: My sisters and friends say good stuff about me all the time especially my elder sis because when she has disagreements with my parents, she gets really angry and can't explain herself well and that leads to fights. In those cases, I try to explain or clear the situation for her by making my parents understand her point of view calmly so that they can accept her decisions or at least, tolerate them. It works many times and other stuff like that. Even my little sister, since I'm the one she most relies on emotionally and also for her problems, she thinks of me as her important person.

I love them both and of course, I want the best for them more than I do for anyone else in the world but sometimes, my reason for helping my elder sis with parents is also because I want to avoid conflicts in the house. I'm in general a very conflict avoiding type person and I'm usually the first to back down if I can stop a fight. I sometimes have other selfish reasons too for helping them both or even helping other people too. Like, I try to be kind to many people and help them as much as I want but it's like....I feel like I have my own selfish reasons for it.

Like helping my sister with solving misunderstandings with my parents because I want to have peace at home and don't want any of us to fight or hate each other. I help my younger sister but sometimes I feel like it's just because I want her to keep admiring me or something. I mean she says she looks up to me....so I don't want to change that perspective of hers so I try to live upto it so she would keep admiring me.

Sometimes I feel like I help certain people just so they would like me or love me or want me around. Other times, my reasons are even more selfish and sometimes even mean or cunning in ways 😭 like when I talked to an old acquaintance online for a day or two and said nice things to them about their hobbies (I do respect their skill though) but mainly, I only did it because I wanted some information about a person I knew that they worked with. Isn't that kind of rude of me?

Idk....does this make me a bad person?

So when someone says nice things to me, I can't completely believe them and end up thinking I don't really deserve their love, kindness or nice words.

Do you think I should believe them? Do I deserve to be loved by them despite me being like this? I mean, they don't know that I can be so rude/mean too. Actually, my sisters/cousins and some very close friends do know I can be mean too but they say they're okay with it because they think that I take small things very seriously. My sister says that these "flaws" I see in myself are actually very normal things that most people do sometimes and are not all that bad like I seem to think. But when she says that, I end up thinking, "but there might be specific things I did that even she might not like me for" (though I don't remember those things much but still)

Do you think I should believe it when others say kind things to me? Regardless of whatever mistakes or stuff I do or I've done? I mean, if they say they think I'm a good person (even if it's just because I'm nice to them), can I believe in that?

2. When I see people say stuff like, "You deserve to heal and move on. You deserve to focus on your present life and leave your past behind." I end up wondering, "But what about mistakes?"

Reason: Again,I just first want to mention that a lot of my "mistakes" are small things that I've made bigger by constantly dwelling on them and in some cases, they aren't even "mistakes" maybe but after thinking too much about certain actions of mine from too many negative perspectives, I end up feeling like any xyz action was actually a mistake. The negative perspectives are mainly things I read/get triggered by reading on social media. One example would be my pedo worry (related to me and my cousin kinda crushing over a 13/14 year old drum player in our school when we were 17 though it was very similar to being kinda obsessed in a artist-fan sort of way) that I was going crazy worrying about last time.

So what I want to ask is in either or any scenario actually, if I want to move on, can I simply do that? I mean, suppose someone made a mistake and kinda hurt someone 5 or 10 years ago or maybe even before that.....and they suddenly start feeling guilty for it (or for any other mistakes), do they deserve to heal or leave it behind without apologising now?

Like....if we think about it, we might have made many mistakes (some very big, some small and some very small) which may or may not involve other people. Something as small as saying something wrong about someone to your friends despite knowing it's false information. It's rude to do that or gossip about stuff like that and it might be a once thing that everyone most probably forgot about completely. But even so, if we did that, do we deserve to clear it up with our friends or even that person we talked wrong about (like told misinformation about them to our friends) even though it was months/years ago?

These sorts of very minor things....minor mistakes, I might not realise them when I make them but I have a good memory so I end up remembering random mistakes and the most important question that pops up in my mind is,

"Can I leave it behind or stop thinking or worrying about it without doing anything about it?" As in, if I remember a mistake (most of which are small but end up seeming very terrible because I dwell too much on them), can I do nothing but laugh it off and remember to try to do better next time? Simply just that?

Can I move on and heal and stop thinking about it just like that? Do I deserve it?

Also, for any mistake, especially in case of big mistakes, even if someone doesn't apologise (due to reasons like it's too old or from years ago), do they still deserve love, compassion and kindness? Do they still deserve to move on?

Idk I just have this doubt.....of wondering if mistakes (big or small) make us undeserving? Especially if a person doesn't apologise but still tries to do better (in case of the bigger mistakes), then can they move on?

It's like..... I've developed this weird idea that if I remember a mistake, I feel like I should feel guilty if I do nothing about it and just move on? As if, not thinking too much about it or not dwelling on it and simply moving on seems like a privilege or unfair thing to me.

And honestly, I hate that idea. Because why can't I heal and move on with my life? But I also think, isn't it unfair to simply be happy and forget about it?

But then that's just me because I know from experience that a LOT of people don't put too much weight or even think much about their mistakes especially old ones, unless they were REALLY major mistakes.

Because for me, I know that a lot of times, it's the overthinking and all the what ifs that make me think of certain things as mistakes when they were probably not. Even more so because I have a negative view of myself. I see myself in a negative light, so when I remember a random action of mine, my mind goes "you definitely meant the worst thing for that xyz person" but I try to rationalise like...."no I might have selfish reasons but I didn't ever directly mean anything worse for them" and so the mind starts making me see that same action from a hundred different sides until I end up feeling like I did something terrible 😭

That is why, I ask those questions to you. There's no way other people don't make any mistakes and never mean anything selfish or bad....everyone has their low moments when they do stuff due to certain reasons. But they can move on and focus on their present. Many times they might not even apologize because they might not realise their mistakes or by the time they do, a long time might've passed. In those cases, people can let go and move on and stop thinking about it.

And I can understand and support others when they want to do better and move on regardless of the condition, no matter how bad it is and when I say nice things to someone, I don't wonder "what mistakes they might have made" or if "they're a good person" etc. I simply do it for no reason many times or for selfish reasons sometimes. But even if I do have selfish reasons, I've never thought that someone didn't deserve the good things I said to them because I feel they always do regardless of their mistakes, whether they apologised or not, etc.

But when it comes to me, I end up getting all confused and down 😭

Can I do that? Do I deserve to? Even at my worst moments, do I deserve the love and care from myself and others? Can I accept other's love and kindness without doubting or judging myself for my mistakes? Without wondering "what they would think if they knew" about it?

Can I let go of the past and simply treat those mistakes as old silly memories and leave them be? Do nothing and move on? Just like that? Just try to heal myself and focus on the present without any need to feel guilty?

Because it's almost like I feel guilty about the idea that "I can move on, let go of the guilt and move on."

I see people talk about things like, "Self-love also means letting go of thoughts, actions, feelings and behaviours that no longer serve you." But what if my thoughts are about my mistakes? Or random actions from the past that "might" be mistakes or might not? Does it still apply? Can I still let go?

In other words, does the "kind" of thought/feeling/action it is, change the situation? Or can I still let go and be compassionate towards myself and heal and move regardless? Idk when I see someone say things like "you're worthy no matter what" it just sends me into a overthinking spiral of wondering what the limits of that "no matter what" are. Can I believe it REALLY no matter what?

Something like that......idk I just think too much I guess

But I'd like to get your stance on this and what I should be doing about thoughts like those

I'm really sorry for this vent and all the silly questions.....you can just answer them together if you want....or just ignore too if it's too much!

Also, thank you so much as always! 🫶

Hey Anon,

Happy New Year! Nothing you ever ask me is a waste of time, so please don't say such things!

I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting to keep the peace between your parents and your sister. I think that's a very noble thing of you to do, and I don't think your reasons for doing so come off as self-serving. Your intentions are in the right place and you seem to have the gift of being able to be the mediator between both sides, and for someone who says they want to avoid conflict, that's a brave position to put yourself in! I totally understand that you hate conflict and most people do. The fact that you take action to try and calm both sides is a really good trait because most avoidant people would probably just shut down and hide from the argument in the first place.

Do you think I should believe them? Do I deserve to be loved by them despite me being like this?

Yes. Want to know why? Because most people have the understanding and compassion that people are human and make mistakes. They are choosing to look at your positive traits as opposed to the negative, even if you feel like "if they knew this about me, they wouldn't", it doesn't matter! Also you should never ever have to DESERVE love. That would make love a conditional thing and love is something that was meant to be UNCONITIONAL. You don't have to earn it or be good enough for it, but unfortunately because of the way a lot of people treat others (conditional love) we feel as if we do have to do something to gain it. It's a really hard concept to grasp, but once you grasp it, you'll start to show love to yourself more and more. If you can give unconditional love to others, despite knowing their flaws, their mistakes, their pasts, etc., then you can do the same to yourself and others can show the same kind of love to you as well 🥰

Anon, you gotta let yourself be okay with the fact that you are human and you will never be perfect. That means that mistakes are a part of the process of being human. The most successful people in life have embraced this and actually use it to their advantage to get to where they are because each mistake and each failure is a learning OPPORTUNITY to do better and try something different to get them to the top. It's this idea of perfectionism that has kept so many people from achieving their goals because they think the stars have to align in just the right way before starting anything or that they can't pursue or enjoy the things they want because of something they might still be holding guilt/shame over from their past. Everyone has something to be ashamed of, but some people are better at letting it go than others. You have to reach a place where you're okay that you messed up many times in the past. You have so much life still ahead of you to get things right and to create a life you enjoy and where you're not burdened with "what ifs" or things that could be.

So what I want to ask is in either or any scenario actually, if I want to move on, can I simply do that? I mean, suppose someone made a mistake and kinda hurt someone 5 or 10 years ago or maybe even before that…..and they suddenly start feeling guilty for it (or for any other mistakes), do they deserve to heal or leave it behind without apologising now? Yes, you can move on…and no one will judge you for that! At some point that is really all that's left to do. No amount of dwelling on what happened will change what did happen. All that's left to do is to acknowledge what you learned from the mistake and move forward with that tool in your belt. You can now approach life with newfound wisdom. If you find something you did that comes up for you to be guilty about, you can simply acknowledge the thought, challenge it, then let it go. "This thing that I did to so-and-so has me feeling guilt still, but I know there's nothing I can do about it. Yes, I regret what I did and wish I could have changed things, but I can't. Now that I know better, I know that I won't hurt someone/that person like that in the same way again." I'm sure there are times where you wish you could apologize to that person, but we're not always granted those opportunities. If it still weighs heavy on that heart and you see that person again, you can always bring it up, but a majority of the time we don't get those opportunities, so you just have to learn to be okay with letting it go and making sure the situation doesn't happen again with someone else.

Idk I just have this doubt…..of wondering if mistakes (big or small) make us undeserving? Especially if a person doesn't apologise but still tries to do better (in case of the bigger mistakes), then can they move on?

Nothing makes you undeserving. Again, humans make mistakes and if someone rejects you for that, that's on them. They're the one who lacks compassion because they're just as guilty. If people can't learn to forgive others, then they can't even forgive themselves. In those cases I usually just feel bad for people like that. I've become really good at forgiving others, especially when they don't apologize to me for hurting me. It's a skill that takes time, but it really just makes you the one most capable of understanding and practicing unconditional love towards others.

Even at your worst moments, Anon, you still are deserving of kindness, love, and compassion from yourself and others. You can absolutely accept that from others too without guilt because love was designed to be something given freely and without conditions, even if humans have us thinking we have to deserve it. It was never designed to be that way.

I see people talk about things like, "Self-love also means letting go of thoughts, actions, feelings and behaviours that no longer serve you." But what if my thoughts are about my mistakes? Or random actions from the past that "might" be mistakes or might not? Does it still apply? Can I still let go?

But do those thoughts serve you? Do they really? Or are you tearing yourself down because you still can't accept the fact that you'll never be perfect or that you have to be worthy? Dwelling on the past only just keeps you there and not moving forward. Everyone has to realize this at some point or you'll just stay stuck obsessing over the things you can't control when the things you CAN control lie ahead of you. You can let go, Anon. It's okay ❤

#ask #answered #anon #overthinking #you are worthy #you are enough #unconditional love

[allxthingsxglxtter]

@galaxydrcaming

“There is so much more to it, and you know that! No! You are brilliant and caring and good. stop putting yourself down when you have someone standing in front of you, telling you just how amazing you truly are in her eyes.” Her voice cracks as tears fall rapidly down her cheeks. “Please, just listen to yourself right now, Aeneas, I can’t just stand here and let you throw us away. Gah, you know why I can’t agree to us being just friends, it killed us the first time to not reveal our feelings, do you seriously think we could be in the same room and not want to be together?” She asks through a few broken sobs, covering her mouth with her hand as she takes in a deep breath. “The day we revealed our feelings for each other, you opened your heart to me and after now getting to know that part of you, I can’t-I don’t know how to say goodbye or forget how amazing it’s been to be with you, I love you.” “Good! I’d rather you be angry than putting yourself down, but I’m merely turning the tables around, making you understand how angry and upset I am at the thought of leaving you for Rain.” She covers her head in her hands and grunts in frustration, avoiding looking up from her hands as she hears him kneel down and how much closer his voice has gotten. “I never had closure!” Ariel yells as she looks up and sniffles. “You said it yourself, it all fucking got ripped away, I died and then came back with these new memories, and met you, but I didn’t expect to see him again!”

"No Ariel, there really isn't. He loves you, you love him, that's all that matters. I can be brilliant and be a fucking mess, both can be true. If I was really going for putting myself down Iv'e got a much more specific list, and if I thought that'd stop this conversation I'd recite it." Aeneas sighed, running an agitated hand through his hair. "Ariel, I'm doing this because I know it's the right thing to do. You and Rain were engaged. Building a life together, picket fence, the whole nine yards, and this world has given you a chance for that again. You really expect I'd stay in the way of that? That I'd be selfish enough to keep you from the life you should've had? Ariel, I can't....I don't know if I could ever offer you that. That level of permanence. And that's not fair to you either. You should be with someone who loves you and isn't so scared of themselves they can't imagine forever."

He shook his head. "No, this isn't turning the tables around Ariel, this is you throwing a tantrum. If you want to throw away the opportunity to be with Rain then fucking fine. That's now on you, and isn't guilt I'll be holding onto. " Staying where he was, he met her eyes calmly, knowing she was answering the question even if she didn't want to. "And now it's been given back. And that love is still there, even if for the sake of argument you might not want it to be. But you love him Ariel. And he's one of the only people in the world I'd ever say was deserving of you. Take the chance the world has given you or don't, but I'm not a part of this equation anymore. Goodbye Ariel." Before he could ruin the moment, or say the wrong thing, Aeneas stood and turned to go, doing his best to hold himself together until he could get somewhere private.

#the best parts of me are dead: aeneas fairworth

[moisummertime]

Soooooo this week I finally back to my sleep schedule, enjoying itsy bitsy of naps, and have all my shits just back to as it used to. The smoke season actually help me a lot. All I need to do is just to surrender, let go, and forgive. That everything happened because they supposed to work that way. It's in past anyway, what else you can do? grieving? stay angry? in denial? avoiding it? One thing I always try to trust is action. whatever underly those actions someone choose to take, at the end whatever they do matters the most because they choose it. Remember what they said, "Action speak louder than words." I don't want to argue, get angry, or just being sad af all the time. I want to just keep using love as verb, as action, but I def have short temper so yea I consider that as one of form of love? lmao. Now what I want is to manifest the kind of person I want to be and be with. You put things into words, it becomes prayer. And I hope God hear this because yep, Im done playing. Thank you for sending me another ultimatum in life. I get back on track, God. This is something that I just recently found that this is important. I want a partner that willing to go on counseling with me. This is a big time realization after a whole month learning more skills on being a better partner. I had no idea that it's so fucking difficult to have a relationship yet so many people don't even work that hard for it. They don't even take care of themselves well, how they will be a great partner for you? The complexity of human relationship is whoa... so much layers. You bring your whole life into it and try to navigate it together and work on it together... for as long as you are willing to do it. I don't consider myself a quitter, but when I decided Im quitting, there's no way back. I'll be totally numb and it's even harder to restart everything. So that's pretty much why after I broke up with Zach, I burned down so many bridges with so many people, men mostly. No one from my past is allowed to have access to my current life. I built this peace above so many painful experiences they caused me. Honestly, I don't mind losing people. Although now Im trying to be softer on this one, sometimes it's still tough. Because you will never the same person once someone gave you a plot twist that change the whole things in so many different layers. But this year, since I try to approach things with love and understanding, which also that means I'll be giving so much with no return nor expecting it at all, it's kinda tough since it challenge what worked for me before. It's kinda put a soft reset on my system, and now Im trying to update it the way windows update do it.

I consider myself a give and everyone just telling me to stop. It drains me, and I had to agree with them. My issue is that I always end up being the one that invested so much without a fair/equal effort in return. When they said that love should be unconditional, well, I can but throwing unconditional love without getting the same thing in return, who wants that? I saw so many couples seemed to have a loving relationship, but it's all on surface. no one knows what is hidden behind those sweet display. whether it was a constant work, fights, tears, idk. No one knows the layers that was hidden. but one thing, they make it seems like it works for them. they at least work together to put things great for the eyes of others. Most people know I talk a lot about my struggles. I never really try to hide it. Being vulnerable in the eye of public is seems scary but somehow for some friends, they found it relieving to see that they're not the only one struggling with their demon. One of my friend from volunteering work in Uni struggled a lot, and when she knows I also not well enough we start to connect again and make fun of our misery. Joke is def a bad coping mechanism, but god I've cried enough, I just wanna laugh a bit. another friend said that I am an emotional slut but confident enough to be just super open about those shits. I do have a private journals which I usually use to talk about more stuff in deeper level. I put the name, the date, the details, how I feel about that, I don't leave any details behind. which is kinda annoying me to know that I remember every detail of everything. And Honestly, when I gave this, I expect the same thing in return. I don't want to be the only one vulnerable and open alone. and I fuuuuuuuucking hate it when I have to ask something in return. Men, please be sensitive and sensible. But one thing I like most is being respected. You can disrespect me in bed, but outside bedroom you need to be respectful. I don't know why men these days have a very low respect towards women, me especially. Okay I think that's my rants for today. Im gonna eat some pineapple :3

[olympiangods]

i have had many crushes and many rejections and many relationships that never really started before they ended and many close friends and best friends and special gal pals and favourite persons and people i trusted and opened up to and let myself be vulnerable and i have been hurt and angry and sad and petty and bitter and i have had people cut me off and treat me badly and take me for granted and lied to me and break my trust and every time i have moved on and found someone new to be friends with and i said fuck it what's the big deal you get hit and you get back up there's nothing you can do if you don't make peace with the fact that getting hurt is always a possibility you can't avoid the risk because you miss out on all the good parts and what's the point of living if you are going to be alone in your comfort zone we're talking about building meaningful connections with the people around you not skydiving okay it hurts but does that negate all the good things you would have missed out on if you closed yourself to the world? no. there will always be a kind person in your corner even if it's you being kind to yourself. so no matter how many people hurt me no matter how many break ups and falling out i have never hesitated. to meet someone new. reconnect. open up. i have never wanted to hold back all this love i have in me. to be myself because i am the person who goes hard and i never felt like it was a bad thing to be enthusiastic with my friends.

i need one person to understand. what she did to me was traumatising. the first time and the second time. she broke me. throughout this hellish year i have never stopped loving and showing the love in every goddamn language there is. and trusting and reaching out and seeking comfort. my faith is in people, individuals, and i never once thought i should hold back and keep things to myself. this is who i am, have always been, maybe im fucked up and it's not so much my personality as years of abuse and neglect and dysfunctional family systems and genetic disposition to neurodivergent brain syndrome. but it is who i am, i care deeply and love fiercely and it's the only thing im not complaining about. i think even if it's too much for some people, they are not forced to put up with it, here's the door. i like the way i am.

all this is the way i am and always have been and i can't find it now. i don't know where it went. the confidence and endless positive-pessimism. i want someone to understand and tell me that it makes sense. i don't want to be seen as the person who is hurt and abandoned and bitter and talking shit. however fucking traumatised i am, this is what i see when i look at it. she broke me to my core. i don't know how to put myself back together.

#stream of consciousness

[artzee-bee]

Not going anywhere | Lucifer Morningstar x reader

Fandom: Lucifer

Request:” Hi i have request for you ,Lucifer and the reader have a big fight they are married, and this fight it's lucifer fault The reader leaves home and Lucifer decides to give her space After a few days, he goes to the reader and realizes that she has been missing for a few days,When the person behind all this claims that the reader is dead and gives them a her body . Everyone thinks that the reader is dead and Lucifer He gets depressed and thinks it's all his fault , and after a few days, the thieves release the singer and the reader goes to Lucifer.Lucifer first thinks it is an imagination and then apologizes to the reader Thank you so much”

Genre: Angst with happy ending

Warnings: kidnapping, death

~~~

Your intention had never been to start a fight. All you wanted an explanation (preferably one that also made sense) and an apology, but apparently that was too much to ask, because as soon as you voiced your opinion, Lucifer went up in flames

“Don’t start this again!”

“I dislike it just as much as you do but what I hate more is being cancelled on, AGAIN, through a text message no less!”

“It was an emergency!”

“It’s always an emergency Lucifer! It’s starting to sound a lot like work means more to you than I do!” “The detective needs me, damn it!” your husband yelled

“And she has you! Every day of every week! All I ask for is one date night and for the past month you’ve done nothing but avoid committing to one or backing out at the last second! I’m tired of being your second choice Lucifer! I’m your wife and you are my husband, I love you to the ends of the world, I just wish you'd say no to Decker from time to time...”

“I’m saving people’s lives Y/N. So if you’re not on your deathbed, other people are and they need me now!” as he said this, Lucifer walked right past you and into your bedroom, seemingly ignorant to the painful words he’d just said. You looked around the living room, vision blurry with tears, your chest heavy with anger and disgust. You rushed towards the elevator.

“When you find time in your busy schedule and feel like being my spouse again, let me know!” the elevator door closed before Lucifer could say anything

~~~

When Lucifer woke up the next morning to a cold and empty bed, he didn’t think much of it.Truthfully, he was still kind of pissed at the attitude you had given him a day before, so he got dressed as usual and went to the precinct, assuming you’ll be home by nightfall.

Except when he got home that night, he stopped by Lux first, which ended up like it always does: with him sucked into an endless cycle of booze and dancing, that lasted until well into the night. When he did enter the penthouse eventually, he found it empty. Exactly the way he had left it in the morning. Even the tie he had left on the floor, after deciding last minute that it didn’t go with his suit, was untouched. Now this was curious, but still, Lucifer felt like you must be playing hard to get. He sent you one text message, before going to bed

“Call me when you can!”

The day after that, he figured his part was done! By reaching out first, he had already made a big compromise, so now it was your turn! To reach out, come home! But that didn’t happen that day, or the day after that.

Three days after the text message,Lucifer was getting worried. He was looking at his phone every other minute. Always making sure he hadn’t accidently put it on silent or missed any texts. He sent more messages, telling you he was sorry and that he wanted you to come home. That he would listen and spend more time with you, promising luxurious dates and weekend trips, if only you forgave him. You didn’t even open the messages.

“Lucifer are you listening?” Decker was insanely annoyed at her partner’s lack of concentration

“Sorry detective. I’ve...I’ve got a lot on my mind”

“Well, better get it out of the way now, so that we can move on to our case!” she said, cleaning out her desk quickly, before resting back into her chair “Talk to me!”

“It’s Y/N. I’m worried about her!”

“Why?” “We...had a fight a couple days ago and she left. She hasn’t come back since”

“Have you heard from her at all?”

“No…” Lucifer said, embarrassed at his own lack of care for you. He should have called you earlier, reached out more! He should have tried harder!

“How long had she been missing for?”

“4...maybe 5 days…”

“Lucifer, are you sane? And you’re only telling me now?!” Chloe jumped from her seat, turning on her computer

“I thought she needed space! I thought she was avoiding me intentionally cause she was angry! I didn’t know…” Lucifer choked back a sob, not wanting to break down in tears in the middle of the precinct

“Lucifer!” Chloe caught hold of his hand “I’m gonna find her! I promise you!” A few days later, she did. Well, more like Y/n came to her, in the shape of a pretty little gift box left on Decker's doorstep.

“A lil too late on your case detective” read the note attached to it. 

Inside were Y/N’s clothes, all of them stained with dark, dried blood. Y/N was declared dead that day and the case was closed. At her funeral, only her closests friends were present. Lucifer wanted it to be as intimate as possible.

That day was also the first time anyone had seen Lucifer, since the news. His eyes were bloodshot and the dark circles under his eyes almost matched the black suit he was wearing. Throughout the ceremony he kept twisting his wedding band, a habit he’d picked up on since you went missing. He chose not to do a speech, but once the crowd disappeared, and he was left face to face with your grave, he pulled out a little piece of paper from his pocket and sat down on the grass.

“In hell, everyone feared me. There, I was nothing but another server of the universe, ruling over an empire I never really wanted, because I never had a choice. So eventually I left, thinking anywhere will be better than what I had, and I came to earth.

I ran into you about 2 weeks later, before I really even knew how to behave myself. Before I knew anything about who I really was besides ‘the devil’. I longed to know, grow and discovers different sides of me, where I could be something new, and you gave it to me. You made me who I never thought I could possibly be. You made me a lover. I never thought of myself as capable to love anyone, in any degree, but your light shone everywhere you went and your kindness touched me and everyone around you. It became impossible to not get infatuated with your person. I allowed you to see and feel around every dark corner of my soul and being and every time I thought it was the end. Everytime I would take in your touch as if it was the last, I would prepare myself for abandonment, but it never came. Through everything you stood by my side and when I felt my darkest, you gave me a fistful of your light and that was enough to keep me going. You married a broken man and called him perfect, despite everyone telling you how much of a foul you were. Even then, you shooed them away. Even then you chose me. I wasn’t worthy of your love or your trust and our last night together proved it.

You’re not here anymore to hear my apologies and I’ll never forgive myself for it. You’ve gone now somewhere I can not follow, but I know you are well taken care of there. I hope, someway, somehow, you’ll hear these words: I am sorry. I loved you with my entire soul. Not listening to you was the biggest mistake of my life and I’ll never forgive myself. I choose however, to remember you as you were, because I know that’s what you’d want. I’ll remember you and your laugh.I’ll remember our date nights and shopping sprees. Nights in Lux or on the penthouse balcony. I’ll remember all the meals you prepared for me and the flirtatious remarks you used to make, because you thought they were so silly. I’ll remember the little frown on your face whenever you worked on an important project for work and I’ll remember every evening walk around the block you’d make me accompany you on. I know I always complained about them, but they were always fun. Everything I ever did with you was always fun.

I loved you. I still do. You are my everything Y/N. Thank you for devoting yourself to me in all the ways that you did. I’ll forever live on in my heart.“

~~~

It had been months since your disappearance. After all this time, you finally managed to escape your kidnappers and report them to the New York police station, since that’s where you had been held hostage for so long. As soon as the paperwork was done and you were sure that the people who ruined you were getting the punishment they deserved, you jumped on a train and headed straight back home. Straight to Lucifer.

Lux looked exactly the same as you had left it. You were washed over by a wave of comfort that almost brought you to tears. Home. You never thought you’d get to step in here again. Overwhelmed, you took a seat on one of the couches, allowing your head to rest back on it, as you took in every detail of your surroundings: the feel of the leather on your fingertips, the cool breeze of the air conditioning, the warm lights. Everything was still here.

“Y/N?” you jumped at the sound

“Hi love…” your voice broke as you said those words. Words you never thought you would be able to mutter again. The sight of your husband, messy as he was, made you weak in the knees. He was standing at the top of the staircase, dressed in nothing but his robe, tied carelessly around his waist. He had probably just woken up. You wanted to say something again, but before you could, he laughed

“Nope” he said simply, before making his way down the stairs and to the bar “I’m not doing this. Not today, not ever!” Lucifer filled his glass to the top with bourbon, before turning around and trying to leave back to where he came from

“Lucifer, it's me!”

“Sure you are, except you’re not real! Nice of dad, taking my ability to stay endlessly sober, getting me drunk, forcing visions of my dead wife onto me to teach me another lesson about managing my emotions. Real clever, except this is too much! So I’m going to enter that elevator and I expect to never have to see you again, hum? Right, well, au revoir now!” he continued on his way, but before he could get far, you were clutching on the silk tie of his robe. Lucifer felt the tug around his waist and turned around slowly to look at you, this time a little more unsure. As if he was trying to figure you out

“Lucifer, I’m Y/N. I escaped”

“Escaped? But that’s impossible, she died! I saw it-”

“What you saw was a bloody shirt!” he looked up to meet your gaze, tears already forming “They lied to you Lucifer”

Finally, it seemed like he had connected all of the pieces of the puzzle. The glass of alcohol fell to the ground and your husband wrapped you in a big hug for the first time in months. He nuzzled his head in your hair and took in your scent, your figure, your warmth. Hell, you were even more perfect that he remembered! Silent tears fell down both of your cheeks as you collapsed to the ground, still holding onto each other for dear life

“I’m so sorry” Lucifer sobbed in your hair “I’m so so sorry”

“It wasn’t your fault Luci”

“If I hadn’t been a jerk you wouldn’t have left! If I would have simply listened to you, they wouldn’t have gotten to you! You would’ve stayed here, where you belong! You would have stayed with me but instead I was too busy with my stupid job and the stupid cases and I’m sorry! I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” he continued crying on your shoulder as you rubbed small circles on his back

“I’m here now my love” you whispered, kissing his cheek “And I’m not going anywhere”

#lucifer #lucifer netflix #lucifer morningstar x reader #lucifer morningstar imagine #lucifer morningstar angst #lucifer morningstar

[moonlit-reveriee]

Baby Blue

technoblade x fem!reader

concept: techno is scared of ‘corrupting’ the reader, but the reader’s kinda into it...

content warning // NSFW, virgin!reader, very minor angst?, small argument that gets resolved

listen to this while you read: BBBlue (Single) by Olivver the Kid

(this fic was heavily inspired by the lyrics of this song, so i highly recommended giving it a listen!)

───※ ·❆· ※───

When Techno found out you were a virgin, he was terrified. Not necessarily of the thought itself, but of the implications.

He’d never forget the look on your face when you told him. You tried to be casual about it, but he knew you well enough to spot the dusting of pink across your cheeks. You nuzzled yourself closer into his side. Whether out of embarrassment or something else entirely, he couldn’t tell. All he could feel was his heart dropping as the voices chanted at him to “ruin her”

Of course you, his pure sweet angel, would be a virgin. He once again crumbled under the idea that you had chosen him. How on earth could a person like you even think of being with a beast like him. Yet alone, giving up your virginity to him.

He hated how horribly turned on he was by the thought of taking it.

The voices had been relentless about it ever since. They were hyper focused on your every move, twisting every thought of his into something promiscuous. When you rolled out of bed in the morning and stretched, a small sigh escaping your lips, it was endless cries of “make her do that again” “you should fuck those moans out of her” “make her scream”

While making breakfast together in the morning, they wouldn’t stop telling him to “bend her over the counter” “take it right here”

Even at times where he was alone, the voices preoccupied him with endless thoughts of you. He was fairly certain they had forced him to imagine every possible way in which he could have you. “imagine fucking her against the wall” “you can be gentle for the first time y’know” “she’d feel so good writhing underneath us” “press her face into the mattress instead” “make her get on her knees and suck you off” “she’ll be such a pretty little slut for us”

He tried to take care of himself as often as he could, but it was becoming impossible to keep up with. There were only so many times a day he could jerk himself off alone behind locked doors. He was desperate, and sexually frustrated to say the least.

He felt disgusting for it.

After a week of this torment, he could barely even look at you yet alone touch you without the voices and his own guilt pounding against his skull. You couldn’t even think about broaching the subject again, because he was avoiding physical contact like the plague. He wouldn’t come to bed until he knew you were asleep, and would leave long before you woke.

As much as he tried to hide it, you could tell he was tired. Something was wrong, but you knew that he’d never just tell you about his problems unprompted. Techno was insufferably stubborn in that way. After several days of avoiding your gaze and leaning away from your touch, you chose to confront him.

“Techno”, you called for his attention quietly, trying to sound stern while remaining gentle with him. He didn’t turn to fully face you, but he glanced at the spot on the wall just above your head.

You struggled to find the words you wanted to say, so you settled on telling him, “Techno, you look tired.”

He turned his attention away from you. “Just a lot of work around the house this week. I’ll be fine after I rest.”

“Then come to bed with me.” You saw the way his body tensed and tilted away from you at that simple suggestion.

“I just need to write a couple letters first. You can go ahead of me.”

“Techno...”, you whined, daring to take a step closer to him. He gave you an almost panicked look, “why does it feel like you’ve been avoiding me?”

“I haven’t been avoiding you”, he responded quickly, trying to look through you instead of at you.

“Yes you have”, you responded firmly. A flash of guilt washed over his face at your tone. “You haven’t kissed or touched me for nearly a week now. I don’t even know for sure if you sleep in the same bed as me anymore. Fuck, you barely even talk to me.”

Angry tears threatened to spill down your cheeks, but you wanted to hold them in. Techno felt his chest tighten at the sight of it. He instinctively turned and reached out to comfort you, but forced himself to freeze.

“There”, you said, gesturing towards him, “just like that. You’re stopping yourself. Why are you doing that?”

He repeatedly opened and closed his fists at his side, wanting to have any conversation other than this one.

“[y/n], there’s just a lot going on in my mind right now”, he said. It wasn’t a complete lie. “I just need to work though it.”

“Then let me help you.”

“No”, he responded a little too quickly, “I- I mean, I just don’t want to talk about it with you yet...”

“Why not?”, you retorted, trying to squeeze any information you could out of him.

“I just don’t, okay? It’s uncomfortable, I don’t want to talk about it yet.”

“... is this about me being a virgin?”

“I never said that”, he replied, but the tension in his shoulders was enough to tip you off.

“Ah geez Technoblade, if it was that much of a problem for ya, you should have just told me”, you said sarcastically, “instead of avoiding all physical contact for a like week straight!”

“It’s not a problem, [y/n].”

“Certainly doesn’t feel that way.”

Techno huffed in frustration, grabbing a fistful of his hair at the root. He wasn’t sure if he was more upset with himself, or the fact that a few of the voices were still begging him to “please fuck her already”

“Love, I wasn’t avoiding you because I didn’t want it. They”, he tapped a finger against the side of his skull, “they want it so badly. It’s driving me insane.”

He breathed in and out shakily, trying to gauge your expression in the brief moments before he continued.

“I’m a monster. I’ve spilt more blood than anyone every should in a single lifetime. My appearance is more beast than man.”

He looked up briefly to find you staring right at him, a tight-lipped frown upon your face.

“What does that have to do with any of this?”

“I- ... I don’t want to corrupt your innocence”, he admitted.

“What on earth do you mean by that?”

“[y/n], you’re so perfect”, he answered almost breathlessly, “you’re so kind and so pure. Just living with me does enough to taint your reputation, I don’t wanna-“

He cut himself off to swallow thickly. He almost seemed scared of the words he was going to say next.

“I don’t want to ruin this part of you either...”

A heavy silence filled the tiny sitting room of techno’s cottage. In those few seconds, your eyes widened ever so slightly as his words suddenly clicked in your mind. This hulking boar of a man, an undisputed war criminal, was scared. He was scared of damaging you, your reputation, or your recently revealed ‘innocence’. Compared to himself, he saw you as a pure being who could be tainted by unwholesome thoughts.

If what he said about the voices was true, then his actions of the past few days would’ve made sense for him.

“Oh techno...”, you muttered softly, tentatively placing a hand on his jaw. His posture was curled inward, making him look small despite his size. He was stiff at first, but allowed you to lift his gaze to meet yours. He searched your eyes desperately for an indication of your reaction. You gave him a reassuring smile.

“Do you remember when we first met?”

A small wave of confusion washed over his face, but he nodded anyways. “It was at the festival...”

“That’s right”, you said, moving the hand on his face down to rest over his shoulder, “and do you remember what I did that day?”

“You threw an axe into Schlatt’s shoulder”, he answered, watching as the scene played out in his memory.

You lived with Niki in her bakery at the time, and witnessed firsthand the injustice she faced during Schlatt’s presidency. As the chaos after Tubbo’s execution occurred, you took the opportunity to hurl your axe where Schlatt stood upon his podium. The blow wasn’t fatal, but that wasn’t necessarily your goal. You just wanted to see the man in pain.

“It was a lucky shot really”, you admitted, “I wasn’t even aiming properly.” That managed to draw a small smile onto Techno’s lips.

“And do you remember”, you continued, “when I tried to confront the Butcher Army by myself?”

He grimaced at the thought. You had told him you just needed to make a quick trip to L’manburg for some supplies, leaving him at home alone to recover from the previous day’s events. You returned that evening with a sprained wrist and a couple large bruises forming on your body. None of them were trying to kill you, but you took a pretty good beating from Quackity just for trying to confront them.

“Why are you bringing all of this up now?”, he asked.

“Because”, you said, “this is the evidence that will support my next point.”

He looked bewildered by that statement, but continued to listen.

“I’m not a perfect person”, you resumed, “I have blood on my hands just like you do. I know it’s hard to compare to you, but I’m not devoid of my own sins. I can be mean, I’ve hurt people. I’m not a pure, angelic being who would quiver at a single inappropriate thought. I think you forget that sometimes.”

He let your words swirl around in his head; he couldn’t deny the logic in them. The evidence prevented him from denying the truth of your statement. He could almost be mad that you’d talked him into a corner, but he was more overjoyed at the fact that you knew him well enough to do so.

“And you know...”, you spoke quietly, letting your hand fall down to rest on his chest, “if you did somehow ‘corrupt my innocence’ as you say... I really wouldn’t mind that.”

Techno’s breath hitched in his throat. There were a brief few moments, maybe minutes, where he just stared at you. Then his lips were on yours; sudden and clumsy, but passionate. You gripped the fabric of his shirt as he grabbed at your waist, desperate to have you in his arms again.

“I’m sorry, I had to”, he muttered, his lips left hovering a hair’s breadth away from yours.

“You’re so silly sometimes”, you sighed affectionately, rubbing small circles into his collarbone. He gave you a gentle smirk before pressing another kiss into your lips.

“I’m sorry darling, I really am”, he said as he drew you into a tight hug. He took in your scent and the feel of your skin for the first time in days. It felt like he could survive off the feeling of your arms wrapped around his body alone. He wondered why he ever let himself be depraved of this.

“You know I trust you, right?”, you spoke with your face pressed into his chest.

“I’m not sure why, but yes.”

You decided not to reprimand him for saying that. You could help him unpack all that later. Instead, you brought your head up to whisper in his ear.

“You have my full and unconditional consent to take my virginity whenever you’re ready.”

Techno inhaled and held his breath, though for what, he wasn’t sure. It took a while for the full weight of those words to sink in. He leaned back to stare at your face, bringing one of his large and shaky hands up to cup your cheek.

“Are you sure?”, his eyes were wide with trepidation, practically pleading with you to tell him the truth. You leaned into his palm, indulging in the feeling of his skin on yours.

“I want you, techno. I’ll wait as long as you need me to.”

Techno was lost in your words. The sudden absence of guilt left his heart light and airy in his chest. For the first time in days, the voices were only a gentle murmur.

“she’s so beautiful” “she wants you” “make her feel good” “show her how special she is” “make her smile” “she’ll be so pretty” “she’s always pretty” “be gentle, no need to rush”

“make love to her”

“... I think I’m ready now.”

───※ ·❆· ※───

ayyyy guess who finally finished writing something!!!

parts of this feel a little rushed but ehhhhhh i was just excited to finally post it. i looove writing techno as an extremely self-conscious character who’s too caught up in their own head to see how ridiculous they’re being. so, this was a treat for me to write

i hope you enjoyed :D

-moonlight

#c!techno #red:moon #mcyt x reader #techno x reader #technoblade x reader #mcyt smut #techno smut

[goldengoddess]

you’re my home - kaz brekker

pairing: kaz brekker x heartrenderi!reader

request: hi!can i request a kaz brekker x reader where they were childhood friends but she had to leave because she was a grisha, and later at the fete they see each other again and she ends up helping the crows?thank you!!have a great day!

a/n: hey i hope this is what you like! i based it more off the show and just switched things around,,,, this is absolutely cheesy and i hate it and i didn’t know how to end it pls forgive me omg

warnings: normal heist stuff, like one curse word?

kaz brekker had changed since the last time you saw him. 

to start, he was taller. he’d grown at least two feet. he’d also grown into himself, he didn’t look like the lanky boy that you had once pulled out of the garbage can that one time. and he had a noticeable limp, something that he hadn’t had when the two of you had last talked. his clothes were different too, he was wearing a little palace guards uniform. 

but you knew who he was anyways. 

his voice was the same, the same comforting sound that invaded your dreams on a good night and had you screaming on a bad night. when you heard him whispering you whipped your head around in panic. he was leaning down talking to suli girl in hushed and angry tones. 

when had he become a palace guard? you wondered to yourself, how hadn’t you noticed before? why was he in ravka of all places?

a silly thought came into your head, was he looking for you?

but you pushed the thought away, moving close enough to listen but not to get caught. 

“take your position” you heard him say to the girl, also in guards uniform.

she moved away silently, too silently. 

kaz straightened himself and surely enough turned his head in your direction.

his eyes were also the same. they were the same color the same look. but they were hardened and cold. the eyes of a boy who had done everything too survive. even the things that he didn’t want to do. 

his face was shocked for only a fraction of a second before he regained his composure and faced the rest of the room. standing straight and poised like any of the other palace guards.

had he not recognized you? no, that couldn’t be it. the two of you had grown up together, yes you had changed but not enough that he wouldn’t know who you were. maybe he resented you. for leaving. for being grisha. for having been taken away and saved from the streets of ketterdam unlike him. 

you remembered the day they had taken you away.

you and kaz were huddled in the corner of the room away from the rest of the kids your age. 

the two of you were been inseparable. stuck together like glue, everyone said.

both of you worked the shitty jobs in the barrel. the ones no one else wanted to do. you ran around the streets delivering packages and messages. you would clean up anything that needed cleaning. the two of you were survivors.

kaz never talked about his brother or how he’d ended up working the streets like this, but you knew, even then as a little kid, you were all he had. 

but nothing good ever lasted for little kaz brekker.

when the grisha examiners landed in the harbor of the city, all of the children running around making trouble on the street were forced to get tested.

you and kaz weren’t any different. 

you tried to hold onto him as the adults gripped to your arm, testing your for abilities in the small science. when they determined that you were grisha, and promised you a wonderful life at the little palace, they had to rip you from kaz’s arms.

the both of you were wailing and protesting, saying that you wouldn't go anywhere without the other. but eventually the fight left you and you let them drag you away from your only family to a country you didn’t know 

you snapped back to the reality of the party going on around you. kaz still looked stoic and unphased a few feet away from you, as if your presence didn’t affect him at all. 

but his presence affected you tremendously. 

you had whined and cried when you first made it to the palace but you had loved your life here. being surrounded by other grisha, other heartrenderers. people who could do the same things as you. understood the need to use your powers. and you couldn’t deny how comforting it had been to settle into a life where you didn’t have to worry about whether you could make enough money to eat. 

you thought of kaz all the time. you thought of everything you had left behind but the only thing that had really mattered to you in that horrible place was kaz. you wondered what had become of the young boy you knew in the years since you had seen him.

just as you were about to make a move to talk to him, two squallers were storming in the direction of kaz and the silent girl he had been talking too before. 

the two of them shared a look and started walking in opposite directions. kaz walked past you, sparing you the fastest look ever. a look no one else would have even noticed. but you did because kaz brekker, your child hood best friend was finally in front of you. 

the hurried and suspicious steps of your fellow grisha, set off an alarm in your head. even when the two fo you were little, kaz was good at getting out of sticky situations. he has a gift for scheming and the sleight of hand.

he was here on a job, you concluded.

you waited a few seconds and then snuck away, following kaz out of the room where the main events of the fete were taking place. 

you walked in just in time to see the inferni make a move to attack kaz. you raised your arms and the grisha dropped like a stone. kaz turned around in a fighting stance and froze when he saw you. he kept his hands in fists, as if he was waiting for you to attack him too. 

you dropped you hands, “what are you doing here kaz?”

he dropped his hands as well but you could tell he was still on guard and looking for a way to leave the room.

"i don't have to explain myself to you” he all but growled at you.

you stepped away from him, like his words had physically wounded you.

he seemed to regret the words and took a couple of steps closer to you. 

“i’m here on a job and i really need to go find my team so if you’ll excuse me” he tried to move to the door that was behind you. 

“let me help” you said, almost desperate. he had just come back into your life, and yes it seemed like he resented you but you couldn’t let him go just yet. 

he looked at you skeptically but nodded his head, “i need to get to the courtyards with the carriages. can you take me there.”

you nodded and started leading the way. you turned through many different hallways, moving up and downstairs. every now and then you held up a hand for kaz to stop, as you listened for a heartbeat nearby. 

“you’re good at that” he mumbled, gesturing towards your heartrender movements. 

you nodded your head, a shy smile. “yeah i’ve had a lot of practice here.”

his face turned gloomy at that and you realized you had said the wrong thing. “yeah. i know” he said curtly. 

you stopped for a minute, turning to look at kaz in the dimly lit hallway.

“i’m sorry i left okay? i know it hurt you, i can only imagine how much it must have sucked. it was horrible here at first, i missed you every day. but i will not apologize for enjoying myself here and taking advantage of what i was taught. i like it here. i have friends, and a life, and im good at what i do and i will not allow you to make me feel bad about that.” you said all in one breath.

kaz didn’t say anything, choosing to look down at the floor instead of you. 

you sighed and took a step closer to him, you noticed he still wore the black gloves similar to the first pair that you had stolen for him when you two were younger.

“kaz,” you said, your voice shaking, “i missed you so much. i still miss you and you’re standing right in front of me. i get why you hate me but i really don’t want you to. so that’s why i’m helping you, that’s why i’m going to get you out of here without getting caught.” 

you turned on your heel, prepared to continue to lead him away. but before you could get away he grabbed your hand and spun you back around. 

he flinched at his own action and let go.

“i don’t hate you y/n. i get why you enjoyed yourself here, this over a life of petty and dangerous crime? of course this is the better opportunity but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when you left.”

you bit your lip and nodded your head in understanding. 

he looked directly into your eyes, “i knew you would be here but i thought, hey what are the chances of actually running into you. having to see you happy and having to live with the fact that i never came to look for you.”

you took a step closer to him, “kaz i don’t blame you for not coming to get me, i wouldn’t have wanted you to anyway.”

he looked at you and for the first time he looked desperate. kaz brekker was never desperate. and if he was, he didn’t show it.

“come home with us” he said.

you raised your eye brows in surprise.

“come home with me” he corrected, looking at the wall to avoid your eyes

it was the same voice he had used all those years ago, when he was begging for you to stay. he wanted to you stay with him. to come home. to go back to the place that had broke kaz and would probably have broken you.

but it was kaz.

but ketterdam wasn’t your home anymore.

kaz had been your home, but was he still?

the two of you stayed silent. there was still so much the two of you needed to say. how you had probably loved him as a kid. how you probably loved him now. how you regretted never writing, never trying. how you missed ketterdam. how this place would be perfect if kaz was here with you. but there wasn’t enough time or courage to say those things.

so instead, you raised your arms in your fighting grisha stance and smiled at him.

“how about we get you out of here first and then we can decide is i become a fugitive of ravka to go play crime boss in ketterdam?” you teased.

he almost gave you a grin and you continued walking, a new found peace settled between the two of you.

kaz brekker in the little palace, who should have thought.

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker imagine #six of crows imagine #six of crows #shadow and bone #grisha #Grishaverse #leigh bardugo #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #nina zenik #matthias helvar #inej gahfa

[justaself-shipper]

Golden Guard x Reader- True Colours

A/N: I wanted to get back into the swing of things before redoing the requests. There may or may not be a few Amphibia references in here…since i watched it quite recently... Spoilers for Hunting Palisman. Also anyone get the reference of the title?

Being in the Emperor’s Coven wasn’t easy. From battling monsters and demons to rogue witches and a certain human, I was surprised I was still alive. A regular guard was just a pawn for the Emperor. Yet, I had no choice, since my parents had already planned my future while I was still young. I wanted to make them proud, and I really did try. But it seems like being a normal guard in the Emperor’s Coven wasn’t enough. I needed to go bigger, eliminate anyone in my way if I had to. I was going to do it for them, and for my lost Palisman, Froggit. (IT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT CAME TO MIND-) Standing at attention, I watched all the servants and guards walk by. I was assigned outside the Throne room today. Kikimori happened to be walking by as the door opened. She gasped. “Golden Guard?! You’re alive! I heard about the crash-“ The “Golden Guard” came into view. He greeted Kiki, and I had the time to observe him. He was about my age, with blonde hair, red eyes, and a scar on his right cheek. As he walked away from Kikimori, he looked my way. I hadn’t realised I had turned to face them. Quickly standing to attention, I stiffened as he stopped in front of me. “Sir.” I saluted. He raised an eye-brow, looking at my badge. (Ima just pretend the badges have names engraved into them in small lettering or something). “Haven’t seen you around here much. When did you join the Emperor’s Coven?” He asked casually. I glared through my mask. “Two weeks ago, sir.” I replied, trying my best to keep my voice calm. He smiled. “Well, miss ‘Y/N’, it’s nice to meet you. The names Hunter.” I didn’t reply back. After a few minutes of silence, he sighs. “Welp, I better be going. See you around.” As he walked away, I let my shoulders relax a bit. Glaring after him, I watched him disappear. So, a higher rank, right? Well, we’ll see about that. Don’t try to chit-chat me, Hunter. You’re nothing but a rival. Later that evening… I let out a yawn. It was late, and I was the only guard patrolling this side of the castle. Lifting my mask to rub my tired eyes, I heard a loud bang, followed by yelp of pain. “Palisman!” Someone hissed. Pulling my mask back down, I held my staff out. “COME OUT! I KNOW YOU’RE THERE!” I yelled out. There was nothing but silence. Turning a corner, I caught someone running away, carrying something. “Hey!” I gave chase, following the intruder down the corridors. As I ran, I realised they seemed to know exactly where they were going. Running by halls that lead to dead ends, and avoiding doors that entered into closed off rooms. Using my staff, I sped up, running in front of the witch. He came to a stop, almost tripping. Holding out my staff, I was about to zap him, when I realised it was Hunter. A small, red bird Palisman sat on his shoulder. I smirked under my mask. Hiding a Palisman? One that has wild magic? This was treason. Oh, Emperor Belos is going to love this. “You stay here.” I stated, using a spell to keep him in place. As he struggled, I began to walk off. If he’d been keeping a wild Palisman, who knew what he could do with it. Best to retrieve back-up, and quickly. As I turned my back, he yelled out to me. “Wait! Don’t tell Belos!” Ignoring him, I continued. “I know what he does to them! He kills them!” Stopping, I turned back to the Golden Guard. “What do you mean by that?” I questioned cautiously. Hunter closed his eyes, letting out a sigh. “Emperor Belos isn’t a witch. I don’t know what he is, or what happened to him. All I know is that he uses the magic in the Palismans to keep himself powerful and in a stable condition.” My mind went to Froggit, my Palisman before I joined the Coven. He went missing as soon as I joined…he couldn’t have… “Y-you’re lying, aren’t you?” I growled. The Palisman sitting on his shoulder chirped. After a moment of silence, I released the Golden guard. Turnng my back to him once again, I growled under my breath. “Get out of here before I change my mind.” Hunter didn’t need to be asked twice. Making sure the Palisman wasn’t hurt, he left, returning to his dorm. About an hour later, another guard took over my shift. Rushing back to my dorm, I leaned against the door. It couldn’t be true. Emperor Belos would never hurt my Palisman, would he? I let out a shaky breath. He couldn’t have…right? Finishing up my carving, I stared lovingly at the Frog as I held it up to the sunlight. “And done! Welcome to the world little buddy!” I whispered, blowing the flakes away. Smiling widely, I placed the wooden frog on my bedside table. All I had to do now was wait. He should wake up in a few minutes. Leaning back on my bed, I picked up my book, looking at all the human creatures inside. I loved looking at all the pictures, and even chose one as my Palisman. There were so many amazing creatures, for awhile I couldn’t pick. I had finally settled for a “frog”, since they sounded so amazing. Hearing a croak, I looked up from my book. My new Palisman had woken up, and was crawling around and curiously peering at the objects on my bed stand. “Hey there little guy.” I cooed, picking him up. He let out another croak. “Welcome to the Boiling Isles! You’re so cute!” He tilted his head curiously in my direction, letting out another excited croak. Giggling, I gently pet him. “I’ll keep you safe Froggit. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” I jolted awake, rubbing my teary eyes as I sat up. Silent sobs threatened to erupt from my throat. Taking a few minutes to calm myself, I inhaled slowly. This wasn’t a coincidence, wasn’t it? Froggit was gone, and I had failed to protect him. He had probably died a horrible death, scared and all alone. Checking the window, I noticed the sun was rising. I had to get ready for today. As I stood up, I felt my stomach squirm in guilt. Looking around my room, i grabbed a satchel, collecting things and preparing. I had to get out of here. I was NOT going to work with a Coven that murdered my Palisman, no matter what my parents say. I would have failed them, but nothing was worse than knowing I had failed my Palisman, my only friend. A loud knock came from the door. Looking up, I stared hard at the door. Who could that be? I’m not late for something, am I? The knocking came again. Walking over, I opened the door to find Kikimori there. She seemed to be glaring daggers into my soul, even though she was way shorter than me. “The Emperor wants to speak with you immediately.” She stated, walking away. Why does the Emperor want to see me? I took off my mask as I stood in front of the throne room. My knees shook thinking over the things the Golden Guard had said the night previously. The Emperor wasn’t who I thought he was, and that thought alone terrified me. Clutching my mask, I opened the doors. Mutterings were coming from the other side of the room as I entered. Walking along the corridor, I took note that a few guards, as well as the Golden Guard and Emperor Belos were in the room. Belos was talking to the Golden Guard, but stopped when I entered. I bowed down to the Emperor, as I felt his eyes bare into my soul. “You must be Y/N L/N, right? Hunter has told me so much about you.” He stated. I bowed my head, keeping an eye on Hunter. He seemed to be distracted, since he didn’t seem to be paying attention to us. “He’s told me of all your hard work so far, and that you’re trust worthy. So, I have made up my mind.” He stood up, grabbing onto his staff. What was he doing? “You’ve been moved up to Captain of the guards, since ours has…retired. How does that sound?” Shocked, I glanced up to Hunter. His eyes were averted, refusing to look at me. “I-it’s an honour, my lord…” I stuttered. “B-but, I-i’m just a humble guard, there’s no need to put me as Captain so soon-“ I was cut off as something headed my way, barely missing me by a hair. I stiffened, following the pointed object toward the Emperor. It was….his…arm…. He took the object away. “I'm afraid you don’t have a choice in this matter. Your first mission starts tonight. You’ll be accompanied by Hunter. You’ll be given your badge in the morning.” He waves his hand, signifying I could leave. I nodded. “Y-yes, my Lord.” With that, I placed my helmet back on, walking briskly out of the room. Opening the door, I jumped a little when Kikimori was waiting on the other side. She said nothing, just simply glared at me then left. After watching her disappear around the corner, I let out an angry sigh. What was I gonna do? Later that night…. The Golden Guard was standing beside me, steering the ship we flew in. There was an awkward silence for the first 10 minutes of the flight, with both of us avoiding eye contact. Apparently, we were meant to be looking for Palismans. “So…everything you said the other night was true.” I mumbled. The Golden guard hummed in response. “Unfortunately, yes.” Another silence ensured. “I wasn’t expecting him to make you Captain. I just wanted to help you out a bit, since you helped me. I’m sorry if it wasn’t what you wanted…” I let out a sigh. “It’s fine." That’s when he turned to me. His eyes were filled with sympathy. “I’m also sorry about your Palisman…” I whipped around to face him. “How-“ “It’s not hard. Everyone has a Palisman when they first arrive. They disappear after the first week, and given a “new and improved” staff. It’s becoming more common. Only a few are allowed to keep their Palismans.” He stated, his brows furrowing as his gaze returned to the horizon. “You seem to know a fair bit.” I said. He shrugged. “One of the few perks of being the Emperor’s right-hand man.” I nodded understandingly. Being right-hand man couldn’t have been easy. There would’ve been many people trying to back-stab him. I WAS one of them.

“…what was it like? Your Palisman?” He asked curiously. I smiled under my mask. “He was my best friend. A lot of people questioned why I chose a monster from the human realm, but it didn’t matter. I loved him almost like my own child…” I felt the tears threatening to overflow once again. Hunter smiled. “He sounded nice.” I looked over to him curiously. “You say that as if you’ve never had a Palisman.” His eyes widened, before he turned his face away from me. “…this Palisman is actually my first. I didn’t do well in school, so I never achieved my staff.” Was all he replied. Great. Now I felt bad. “I’m sorry…" He chuckled. “It’s alright. There wasn’t a chance you could’ve known.” Letting out a sigh, I took my mask off. What was the point of hiding my face while meeting a new friend? Letting my hair fall down, I hear Hunter let out a small gasp. I raise an eyebrow, turning my gaze to him. His eyes were wide open, staring at me. “What are you looking at?” “You…you’re beautiful…” My own eyes widened, and I felt my cheeks heat up. Hunter realised that he said it out loud, and his own face lit up. “I-i’m so sorry! I-“ “Just be quiet.” I growled, turning away so then Hunter wouldn’t see me. The ship shook, and I felt it begin to fall rapidly toward the ground. I watched in terror as the ground came closer, and I blacked out as we hit the ground. “Hey! Y/n, wake up!” Someone hissed quietly.

I let out a groan as I opened my tired eyes. Hunter was gently shaking me, looking around frantically at his surroundings. “W-what happened?” I grumbled, sitting up. Hunter clasped a hand over my mouth. I was about to object, when he pointed to a certain short monster on the other side of the rocks. It was Kikimori, and she did not look happy. She seemed to be carrying a stone. I recognised it from history books. They made the possessor stronger. “I KNOW YOU’RE HERE GOLDEN GUARD! AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DID THE OTHER NIGHT!” She shrieked. My brows furrowed, looking toward Hunter. “What is she talking about?” I hissed. He reached for his broken staff. I hadn’t noticed that before. “I’ll explain later. Right now, we need to get out of here.” He whispered back. Without warning, he grabbed my hand, leading me away from the angry monster. Once we were far enough away, I pulled my hand free from his. “What the hex was that about?!” I yelled. Hunter let out a sigh. “Look, the other night I was assigned to collect Palismans. I told my Uncle that I had failed, but the real reason was that I let them go. Kiki and the human Luz was involved and…things just got out of hand.” He was looking down at his feet. “If I told him what had really happened, then he would kill both of us…” I listened carefully. When he was finished, I smiled softly. ‘Hey…you did the right thing.” I said, placing a hand on his shoulder. Surprised for a moment, Hunter smiled. “So, what are we gonna do? We can’t tell your Uncle we failed to retrieve them again. He’d find out for sure.” I said. Hunter thought for a moment, before a smirk crossed his features. “Not unless we disappeared.” I stared blankly at him for a moment. What did he mean by that? “What do you mean?” “Alright, this is the plan.” Waiting outside the castle, I tapped my foot impatiently. Hunter had gone into the castle to retrieve his Palisman, leaving me outside to wait. It had been 10 minutes already. Shouldn’t he be back by now? Something must’ve happened. Letting out a growl, I clutched my staff, heading inside. Once inside, I passed a few of the guards. None tried stopping me, just giving a nod as I passed by. They took note of my badge it seemed. As I walked pass the throne room, I halted when I heard a cry of pain come from within. “NO, PLEASE! DON’T HURT HIM!” That was Hunter. Rushing over, I swung the doors open. There was Hunter, being held by two guards. Kikimori held his Palisman, about to hand it over to Emperor Belos. Everyone stopped what they were doing when I entered, turning to face me. Emperor Belos was the only one to recognise me. “Ah, Y/n! A nice surprise! No need for any assistance. You see, Hunter here has been keeping secrets from us.” He stated gesturing to Hunter. “But Kikimori has saved us by warning us of his treason. He’ll be thrown into the dungeon shortly, and this…Palisman will be dealt with.” At that, Kikimori was about to hand the Palisman to the Emperor. Rage filled me, and before I realised what I was doing, I had sent a spell their way. The Palisman was thrown from Kikimori’s hands, falling to the ground out of reach. Everyone let out a gasp. Tears overflowed from my eyes as rage coursed through me. “No one else’s Palisman’s are getting hurt under my watch.” I growled. Belos straightened his posture. “I see. You’re a traitor to our kind. Guards, get her!” He yelled. The guards holding Hunter let him go, charging toward me. Using my staff, I quickly defeated them, swinging my staff against their skulls. Both fell unconscious. Without thinking, I charged Belos. He killed my Palisman. Before my staff made contact with him, he used his own magic to throw me against the wall. Yelping in pain, I stumbled to my feet. My vision was still blurry from the impact, hence why I didn’t see Belos walking towards me. I was pushed back against the wall. Something was piercing into my neck, and I realised it was the Emperor’s staff. “You’ll have the same fate as your Palisman.” He hissed. Choking for air, my vision was getting darker and darker as I stared murderously into Belos’ eyes. I finally felt myself drop to the ground, the Emperor letting out a groan of pain as he was attacked from the side. Strong hands lifted me up, helping me limp away from the scene. Hunter got his Palisman ready, ordering me to get on. Doing so, I left my staff lying on the ground, clutching his waist tightly as we escaped the castle. I buried my face in Hunters shoulder as we flew over the Boiling Isles. Neither of us had spoken for a while, and honestly I was too shocked. Finally, Hunter spoke up. “Thank you for that. That was very courageous of you to stand up to him. Are you ok?” “Y-yeah, I’m ok…where are we going? Do you have a place in mind?” I asked, looking down at our surroundings. We were near Bones Marrow (was that what it was called?), and I curious if he had a destination. Hunter smiles at my question. “I have a friend nearby. We’ll seek shelter there if she’ll allow it.” With that, he neared the forest floor, landing quietly in the bushes. I looked up at the building in front of us. I knew this place, although I’d never been to it myself. This was the Owl House, home of one of the most powerful witches on the Isle, Eda the Owl lady. Well, WAS the most powerful. Hunter walked up the doorstep, and was about to knock when a large owl tube on the door spoke up, startling both of us. “OOH VISITORS! FROM THE EMPEROR COVEN TOO! HAVE YOU COME HERE TO BE MY FRIEND?!” The door opened, revealing Luz the human. Her smile lit up when she realised it was Hunter. “Hunter! Hi! What are you doing here? And who’s your friend? You aren’t…here to arrest me, are you?” She asked suspiciously, closing the door ajar as she squinted her eyes. I almost laughed at how childish she was. “No, sorry to disappoint. Me and my friend were going to ask if we could stay for awhile? We…kinda left the coven.” Hunter said, gesturing to himself and I. I gave a little wave. Luz’s eyes widened in surprise, her smile returning. “Of course! Come in! We have…room for two more!” Opening the door, she let us inside. Hunter stepped in first, but was stopped by an ice wall. He let out a yelp of surprise, and Luz was yelling at someone. “Lillith! Be nice!” Lillith? Where have I heard that name? It clicked when I caught sight of her. There, in what I assumed to be human clothes, stood Lillith, my role model ever since I was a small witchling. I almost jumped up and down in excitement, if it wasn’t for the shock of the ice bars between us. “Human! This is the Golden Guard! We can’t let him in here! What if it’s a trick?!” Lillith shrieked. Luz tried to calm her down, explaining that he’d changed. Another woman stepped into the room, followed by a small demon with a skull on his head. “Alright, what’s going on here?” She muttered. Luz sighed in relief. “Oh thank god you’re here, Eda. My friends need a place to stay, and-“ Eda? Lillith cut her off. “HE’S THE GOLDEN GUARD! It could be a trap!” She screamed, gesturing to the two of us. Hunter didn’t say anything, just let out a nervous chuckle. Eda only stared at us tiredly. “…..if it’s a trap we won’t hesitate to knock em’ out cold. Just let em in.” She grumbled, sitting on the couch as she drank something from out of a cup. Lillith stuttered indignantly, while Luz used what I assumed a random piece of paper to create fire. Melting the bars, she let the two of us inside.

A few minutes later, Hunter and I were sitting beside each other on two chairs, while Lillith, Luz, and Eda were sitting on the couch. He had just finished explaining what had happened with Emperor Belos mere hours before. Lillith had her arms crossed, staring at us suspiciously, while Eda was peacefully sipping at her apple-blood. Luz was holding the little demon, who I found out was named King. Luz spoke up first. “So…now you’re wanted criminals?” She asked, concerned. Hunter pat his Palisman. “It would appear so.” He muttered. Lillith didn’t say anything, but it was obvious from her body language she didn’t trust us. Eda the owl lady smiled comfortingly. “Well, I guess an enemy to Belos is a friend of mine. Welcome to the Owl House kids.” She chuckled. “Thank you.” I replied. Luz pointed accusingly at me. “AHA! YOU DO SPEAK!” She yelled. I chuckled. “So what’s your name, kid?” Eda asked. “I’m Y/n. Nice to meet you all. Especially you Lillith!” She turned to me, raising a brow. “Why’s that, witchling?” “You’ve always been a role-model for me! I feel so honoured meeting you in person!” I said, my smile brightening to finally have an opportunity to speak to my hero. Lillith smiled. “Thank you, witchling.” A few weeks later… Hunter and I had officially moved into the Owl House. It was a bit crowded but it became our home. Eda was teaching Hunter how to take care of his Palisman, plus how to use and treat it. I on the other hand, began to classes with Lillith and Luz, learning how to master glyphs. Sure, I still had my powers, but in case of emergencies I wanted to learn about these strange little symbols. We had become wanted criminals that day, and our wanted posters were stuck up all over the Boiling Isles. I felt a light tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I realised it was Hunter. “Hey Y/n, I have a surprise for you.” He said, grabbing my hand and leading me away from the Owl house. Dragging me through town, we snuck by many wanted posters of us. He finally stopped outside of Hexside, a school I had once attended before joining the Emperor’s Coven. Knocking on the door, Principal Bump opened. “Ah, good you’re here! Just in time too!” He whispered, taking down another poster that was stuck to his door. He smiled down at the two of us. “Good to see you again Y/n. Come this way!” Leading us onto the Grudgby field, I noticed Eda was standing beside a large, wooden stump. She walked over to us excitedly. “Y/n! Hunter had told us what had happened to your Palisman, so Bumpy, Hunter and I decided to give you a little surprise. I introduce to you…” The Bat Queen flew down, landing on the stump and opening the door. Many Palismans with cracks ran out, looking around curiously. “To the Palismans! These little guys need a good home again, and one lucky one may pick you.” My eyes widened in awe, as I clasped my hands over my mouth. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes as I hugged Hunter, who was standing beside me. “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!” I cried. Realising what I was doing, my face heated up, and I immediately let go, looking away in embarrassment. He did the same, scratching his neck as a pink flush covered his cheeks. Eda chuckled at our interaction. “Alright. All you gotta do is kneel down, say a goal you want to achieve and one should choose you.” She stated. I grinned as I knelt down, looking at all the cute Palismans scuttling about. “I want a powerful Palisman to help protect those I care about.” I said. One Palisman began to glow. It looked like a lizard from the human realm, but with a scorpion tail and sharp claws. I held out my hands as it turned into a staff, landing gently in my hands as the Palisman happily growled. My grin widened as I looked excitedly back at Hunter, hugging the Palisman close. Everything was going to be ok now.

A/N: HOLY CRAP FINISHING THIS I REALISED IT PRETTY MUCH TURNED INTO A FULL BLOWN NOVEL-

#golden guard #hunter #toh #the owl house #spoilers #the owl house season 2 #self insert #golden guard x reader #hunter x reader #x reader #reader included #reader #toh s2

[tobiosmilktea]

hiii can i request tsumu, kenma, oikawa, and kuroo where they’re in a secret relationship and the reader feels like they’re hiding her bc they’re ashamed of her ? like a hurt too comfort type of thing? thank u bb 🥺🥺

- 🍒

secret relationships w/ atsumu, kenma, oikawa, and kuroo

a/n: i have so many angst requests,, yall must like getting hurt 💀 also this wasn’t as angsty as i thought it was gonna be since im going through writers block yet again and i can not handle pain rn (also not proofread, so read with caution lmao)

— m. atsumu

it honestly surprised you at first, the way someone like miya atsumu returning your feelings the moment you told him you liked him near the start of the school year

there wasn’t that instant gratification though, knowing that one of inarizaki’s golden boys still felt out of your reach

despite being in a relationship with you, it wasn’t like anyone knew of it besides osamu and your closest friend

of course you didn’t really mind as you’ve always thought couples who were obnoxious with their relationships 24/7 and constantly making out in the hallways wasn’t your cup of tea either, so you get why atsumu wanted to keep it a secret

besides, with a guy so popular like him, you really just thought he was sparing you from the harassment (not that it would be bad if all the girls crushing on him new)

you get that he was just trying to protect you, and yet the more you thought of it, the more than it was simply just an assumption and you really didn’t know why your relationship was kept secret

it wasn’t like either of you would get backlash in any way, so what was the problem?

you weren’t exactly the type to be the most insecure either

sure, you were aware of the flaws you had, but it wasn’t something you were ashamed of as you learned to get used to it

yet it’s hard to fully love yourself when your boyfriend isn’t even comfortable with the fact that no one knows you two are even together

you hated jumping to conclusions, but you couldn’t help but to think the worst case scenario—was he ashamed of being with you?

you honestly thought the idea was impossible

if he was seriously ashamed of the thought of being with you in public, why would he even waste all those months dating? were all those dates and nights sneaking out to see each other for nothing?

it was like this for weeks with the way your own thoughts sabotaged you as you stood next to him during lunch

in moments like this in school, surrounded by your classmates and acquaintances, you and atsumu were only friends who sat next to each other occasionally and shared conversations that only friends would have

only friends

god, you hated the way that atsumu wouldn’t even look at you the way that he would when you two are alone

was he that embarrassed to be with you?

you didn’t want six months of all your hard work and effort of making time to be with him for nothing,, you had to do something about it

everyday, you, atsumu, and osamu would walk to school together with osamu typically walking ahead of you and your boyfriend

most couples would hold hands as they walked together, but atsumu had made it explicitly clear as the closer they get to school the farther they had to be from each other to avoid suspicions

thinking of it now, it sounded wrong to begin with and you had no idea why you even agreed to do such a thing

the school was close, maybe a block away and instead of slowing down your pace to create a gap between you and atsumu, you stubbornly stayed next to him to which he flickered you a weird look

he shrugged it off but the moment you two passed the gates and into campus, you slipped your hand into his

without missing a single beat atsumu immediately pulled his hand away from you with a look on his face that held all the questions running through his head at that very moment

“what are you doing?” he asks, almost in a harsh whisper

a frown melted upon your expression at how quickly he pulled away, almost as if he was disgusted by you. “i um, didn’t know you hated the thought of people seeing us together so badly.”

you didn’t know where all your strength went as it disappeared the moment you needed it the most

yet as you were about to walk away, atsumu tugs at your wrist lightly and pulls you into his embrace—his warmth and comforting scent of chamomile from  saved you from the embarrassment that was tainting your cheeks red

“no, no it’s not that,” he mutters, lips tickling your forehead. “i just wanted to keep you to myself a bit longer.”

— k. kenma

you honestly weren’t surprised at the fact that kenma wanted this relationship to be kept secret

he never seemed like the type to be in a relationship let alone get the attention of being in one in the first place, yet it irked you to the core

it was fine at first; acting like you two were just friends while at school or at volleyball practice and it wasn’t at all weird or out of the ordinary

maybe that’s why you were okay with it in the first few months of your relationship with kenma as you were always near him the majority of the time

yet you constantly had to fight the urge to not be so touchy with him from wanting to hold his hand to leaning your head onto his shoulder—you often had to stop yourself especially in front of your friends and his teammates

you were good at keep secrets, but it was absolute hell not being able to even tell kuroo considering you always hung out with him too (it was a given obviously but you digress)

kuroo is a bit curious in his closest friend’s antics so his constant teases of how you and kenma would be such a cute couple annoyed you to your core

he laughs as if you and kenma being together would be absolutely impossible and wouldn’t happen in a million years, and yet here you two were, pretending to laugh at his jokes and agreeing and it would be, in fact, impossible

as mentioned before, you’re more annoyed at keeping your relationship secret rather than angry

your actions were more abrupt and cold rather than your usual warm self and kenma definitely noticed

despite his usual calm and collected expression that he has on a daily basis, it covered up his own emotions of blatant insecurity and worry that you were losing your feelings and losing them quick

the last thing kenma wanted was for everything that happened between the two of you to be wasted over his own fear of being judged for being with you

you were his first in everything and he certainly wasn’t going to let you become his first heartbreak either

he worried about this for a few days, overthinking while he played video games with kuroo, lev, and yaku that they noticed how quiet he was being over the call

it was then did he impulsively asked kuroo to go on a separate voice channel with him just so he could blurt out, “i’m dating (y/n).”

and to his surprise, all his best friend said was: “yeah, i know. (y/n) told me.”

“what? why?” kenma asked with confusion evident on his visage

“she had no one else to go to vent.” kuroo answers, his amused laugh echoing through kenma’s headphones. “don’t worry, i won’t tell anyone.”

“thanks, but... i think (y/n)’s angry at me and i don’t know what to do.”

“she told me that she was getting tired of keeping your relationship a secret. she asked me if you felt embarrassed or even ashamed of being with her.” he explained.

confusion and a bit of worry washed over kenma as his words suddenly faltered, “i could never be ashamed of being with her,”

“then i guess, you should tell her that.”

“what should i do?”

his best friend lets on a smirk (not that kenma could even see it, anyway), “i’m so glad you asked.”

you weren’t exactly sure what you expecting to be honest

you knew there was something going on between kenma and kuroo as if they were planning something intricate, but you weren’t bothered to even ask

perhaps you were still in that petty mindset of giving kenma the cold shoulder after having to keep your relationship on hold all the time that stopped your curiosity

sure, it was a bit childish, but you were planning on talking about it with kenma the moment he came back into the classroom after going off somewhere with kuroo

which by the way, where the hell were they? lunch was ending soon and you needed to talk to you boyfriend asap

the timing was almost perfect the way the thought of him entered your mind was at the same time as his familiar blonde hair walked back into the classroom with a melon bun and a canned drink in his hand from the vending machine—your favorites

“i noticed you didn’t eat lunch, so i bought you this.” he says, placing them down onto your desk.

“is this supposed to be your way of apologizing to me or something?” you mused at him.

there was a faint smile on kenma’s face when you did. this was your usual self, one that constantly smiled at him rather than deadpanned and cold. “no,” he simple put it. taking in a breath of confidence before pressing his lips on the corner of yours. “but i was hoping that would.”

with wide eyes, your eyes scanned the room to see if anyone noticed, afraid at the fact that you broke the first rule. despite being a blushing mess from a minuscule peck on your cheek, there was an inkling of confusion still evident within you, “why did you do that?”

“kuroo told me everything.”

“i knew that guy couldn’t keep a secret,” you mutter as you tried to ignore that infamous feeling of butterflies in the pit of your stomach. “i don’t think people saw, so they won’t think we’re together—”

“what if i wanted people to know we’re together?” ded asf

— o. tooru

you honestly should’ve known oikawa was going to keep this relationship between the two of you a secret since the moment he confessed his feelings to you

what else could you have expected from aoba johsai’s most popular boy wonder with an actual fanclub full of naive girls

perhaps you’ve become naive yourself considering you dealt with months of having your relationship constantly being swept under the rug, psyching yourself out that he was doing this for your sake

and you understood that

it was the reason why you even agreed to keep your relationship on the downlow considering how annoyingly notorious oikawa’s fangirls were, they wouldn’t have let you see the light of day if they were to find out

if you were in fact being honest, there was a period in time near the beginning of the relationship how cautious you were being—barely talking to oikawa unless it had to do with school, avoiding his gazes during class, and even swallowing your pride by just watching his fangirls flirt with him and there was nothing you could do about it

you honestly had to give yourself a pat on the bat for dealing with six months of this treatment

you figured it wouldn’t be that bad, especially after schools where you and oikawa could finally have alone time to yourselves, but even those times alone with him there was a lingering feeling of tension and unease

the thought of someone from school even finding out of you two being  together even affected your relationship outside of school hours

you were tired of waiting outside the school gates for hours just for him to come out of volleyball practice and apologize that he couldn’t walk you home yet again

you figured that oikawa had grown far to used to seeing you waiting for him all the time that it was practically common sense that he was going to reject you again and again

you had to stop waiting for him at some point, but there was an inkling inside that for once, just for once, he would look at you with a smile so sweet that he would finally go with you

but not once has it happened

was he really that afraid of people finding out of his relationship with you that he’s willing to disregard all your hard work to even make this thing (whatever is was) to even happen?

if you were truly being honest with yourself, the only reason why this relationship is still up and active for this long is all because of you

you’re the one always asking him when he’s available during the weekends so you two could finally see each other, you’re the one always texting him first, you’re the one always being the most understanding of the situation

and yet it’s almost like oikawa isn’t even batting an eye at how difficult it has been for you

you absolutely hated jumping to conclusions and thinking of the worst case scenario and yet here you were, suddenly drowning at the possibility that the only reason why oikawa wanted a secret relationship was because he was ashamed to be with you

it was a thought that kept you up at night, tainting your optimistic thoughts of hope that this relationship would actually work out to decimate into thin air

the more is simmered in your head, the worse it became—what if his feelings that he confessed to you was a lie?

you hated overthinking

but if you really thought about it, even before you and oikawa dated, neither of you two were close. just two acquaintances in the same class that occasionally shared answers with each other just by the convenience of sitting nearby

you even went as far as believing that him dating you was just a joke, that this whole goddamn relationship was just some mindless prank just because he was bored

six months of wasted time. you were over it

the next day at school, you didn’t even look at him, you didn’t smile or even acknowledge the way he said good morning to you (as a friend does)

you figured he’s probably too dense to even notice, but he did. the usual glow you had each morning when you said good morning back to him was gone

he already missed the way your gazes would meet and how he would constantly find himself lost in your irises, but now you couldn’t even look at him in the eye

the only person who’s aware that you and oikawa were dating was iwaizumi. it was a given as who else would oikawa ramble on and on and on about how pretty you looked or how smart you are if it wasn’t his best friend?

if anything, iwa was the only guy oikawa could complain about how you were ignoring him

“maybe she’s bored of you for once,” iwaizumi cuts straight to the point. there was really no point in beating around the bush

offense was written all over oikawa’s face, utterly surprised, “how could she?”

“you can’t keep your relationship with her a secret forever, you know.” his best friend goes on to explain, “with the way things are going with you two acting like you’re nothing but acquaintances, (y/n)’s bound to lose her feelings.”

“but i don’t want her to lose feelings for me! and it’s not like i can suddenly tell all my fangirls that i’m dating someone, they’ll freak!” whines oikawa.

“why do you care about your fangirls’ feelings more than your own girlfriend? seems to me, it doesn’t even look like you care about (y/n) at all the way she’s constantly waiting for you after practice only to be rejected.”

it’s obvious iwaizumi wasn’t here to sugarcoat

“i just don’t want them to harass (y/n)...” oikawa reasons, trying to ignore the way his heart drop at iwa’s words like a gripping poison

“then that’s your job to tell those girls to back off.” he suggests, “they literally treat you like a god, surely they’ll listen if you tell them to leave her alone.”

the following day, you came across oikawa waiting outside your door, dressed in his uniform with his gaze lingering about to occupying his attention

“what are you doing here?” you ask him as you close your front door behind you. he’s probably here to break up with you, you thought to yourself

you had to force yourself to ignore the way your heart dropped at your own self-destructive thoughts

taking a deep breath as you approached him, you readied yourself for harsh news to come your way

but it never did

instead, you were greeted by oikawa’s infamous smile that made everyone at school to fall in love with this guy (including you)

he takes your hand into his, intertwining his calloused fingers that dwarfed yours in size. you don’t remember the last time you held oikawa’s hand, but it felt so familiar and warm

it was like home

you couldn’t help but feeling the ends of your lips tugging into a smile as you looked up at him, “what if someone at school sees us?”

you were expecting some kind of excuse, but all he did was shrug. “who cares?”

— k. tetsurou

when you and kuroo started going out, you certainly wasn’t expecting it to be like this

if anything, ‘going out’ would be a stretch if you count late night dates and sneaking out at midnight just to see each other as dating

it certainly wasn’t your usual definition of dating either as you yearned greatly to be able to do normal couple things with your boyfriend—like actually going out on dates during the day, eating lunch together, hell, even just holding hands!

it almost seemed laughable how normal things done in relationships were something you never even experienced with kuroo even after a few months of being together all due to him wanting to keep the relationship a secret

and if you were truly being honest with yourself, you never really understood why he wanted to keep it on the downlow in the first place

you never really questioned it as you just that much of an understanding person, but at a certain point it just wasn’t adding up

it wasn’t like he had girls going after him 24/7 despite being at the top of his class, popular, and nekoma’s volleyball captain

it wasn’t like oikawa who had an actual problem with hoards of girls surrounding him and tracking his ever move, so what was the big deal of letting your relationship public?

it was then did it hit you

the suddenly downpour of insecurity within your own loving boyfriend that you trust so much was getting the best of you

“what if he’s embarrassed to even be with me?” you contemplated in a harsh whisper to your best friend

it was in the middle of lunch and you two were sitting alone on a bench in the school’s courtyard chatting while eating—well, more like overthinking in your case while you friend just sat there and nodded

“if he actually felt that way, then he would’ve broken up with you already.” your friend stated in between bites, “besides, if i didn’t have feelings for someone, i wouldn’t put in the effort to sneak out just to see them.”

you hummed, not sure what to say as she did have a point

but could you really blame yourself for wanting an actual relationship rather than one that’s forced to go unnoticed?

“i should talk to kuroo about it...” you sigh out.

“talk to me about what?” an oh-so-familiar voice calls out to you and your friend

kuroo’s figure approaches the two of you as he give you a curt smile with hidden meanings that you weren’t able to even notice. you were too caught up in your own meddling thoughts that you also didn’t notice the way kuroo frowned slightly at the way you avoided eye contact with him

“nothing,” was all you said before standing up and throwing your trash away. “lunch is almost over so we should all get to class.” was all you said before briskly walking away

kuroo’s brows furrow in confusion as he looks over to your friend, “what’s up with (y/n)?”

“she thinks you’re too embarrassed to be with her, that’s why you hide your relationship.” she cuts straight to the point (homegirl just wants to eat her lunch in peace ffs)

“what?” your boyfriend huffs out in shock, almost offended at the fact that you out of all people would believe such a thing. “why does she think that?”

your friends shrugs, “not sure. that’s something you should be asking her, but if it were me, i would want a normal relationship as well.”

kuroo doesn’t say another word before walking away. and yet his walk quickened so he could catch up to you before you could get to class, footsteps echoing through the hallway in patters as he sees your familiar figure near your classroom 

“(y/n)!” he calls out to you as you slide the classroom’s door open. it was sure to catch the attention of the rest of the students already in the classroom as you turn towards him, brows furrowed in the same confusion

as he neared you, there was almost no sign in him stopping, sending your heart beating in a frenzy as you parted your lips to tell him to slow down

but before a single syllable could even fall from your lips, your boyfriend’s own pair press against yours harshly. it was sweet like caramel and you swore everything moved in a slow motion when you suddenly realized where you two were

he stole your breath away when he pulled apart from you, eyes immediately scanning the room of his own classmates staring at him in awe

“since when were you two dating?” matsukawa asked rather loudly, it seemed that others were interested in knowing as well.

panic suddenly coursed through you as you gave kuroo a look, gravely ignoring the way yoru heart was thumping against your chest and the dozens of unanswered questions running through your head

“w-we’re not actually dati—”

“we’ve been together for a few months actually.” kuroo cuts you off, sending you a wink before entering the classroom

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu angst #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu hcs #miya atsumu #atsumu x reader #atsumu angst #atsumu headcanons #kozume kenma #kenma x reader #kenma angst #kenma headcanons #oikawa tooru #oikawa x reader #oikawa angst #oikawa headcanons #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo x reader #kuroo angst #kuroo headcanons

[harrypotterbrainworms]

Painful Living

Summary: Remus hurts you accidentally as a werewolf as you’re trying your best to hide it. 

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Male Reader

Key: (Y/N)- your name

Word Count: 2718

Your face burned a little as you managed to get out before anyone else got hurt, and now you were limping back to your dorm. Now in the light you could see that it was worse than you initially thought. A fair scratch across your face with some added bruises and scrapes on your legs, better and worse than you had thought.

Things happened so fast, faster than you would’ve liked. This was a rare occurrence which the marauders barely prepared for. The evening outside still raged on as you cleaned yourself off. Nothing felt off or wrong at this moment, so you thought it’d be better to see Madam Pomfrey when it was actually daytime. You winced as you dabbed the alcohol on the wound. This was gonna leave a nasty scar. You collapsed into bed, your dreams felt hot and out of order. Your eyes burned as you opened them to find that as it usually does… time passed and now you were being awoken by an awful talking sound.

“Wah-What?” You managed to say before passing out again, the smell and taste of metallic blood filling your senses as you fell face deep into the pillow. Dreaming of nothing and kind of everything. Hearing the sounds around you and the frantic people making weird sounds you assumed were probably words, but everything was so muffled.

“(Y/N)? Are you okay?” You could hear the fuzzy idea of words coming from a cocky looking mouth. Sirius.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just fine” You slurred out as you waved him away, you just felt a little sick, he should stop worrying. You shivered and pulled the duvet around you. It was cold last night and you think you had bled all over your pillow which was true as you looked back to see the red stain.

“Dammit.” You cursed as you got up, your head spinning before it settled and you could focus your eyes on Sirius.

“What happened last night?!” He scolded you, taking your face aggressively as he inspected the wound. It didn’t sting that much anymore, so you assumed it must’ve properly closed up now. He whispered a few curses to himself and let go of your face. “You just left?!” He pointed vaguely to the air, turning back to you with a hand on his hip.

“Did I?” You mumbled, rubbing your temples trying to remember the exact events of the night. Sirius clicked his fingers in front of you. “Earth to (Y/N), we need to get you to the hospital wing. Remus just got out” Sirius held his hand out towards you.

“Did you say anything?” You said as Sirius helped you out of bed. Your memory became less fuzzy as you walked towards the wing. “Remus. Oh god… Remus” He winced slightly.

“Remus what? Oh.” He looked at the door of the hospital wing, pausing to see if you wanted to go in alone. You nodded and he let you go, waving him off as he headed to breakfast.

Getting patched up, Madam Pomfrey didn’t chat or even scold you. Just working silently with pursed lips as you winced away from her every now and then. She checked you for any sign of infection before dabbing a potion of some kind that made it feel like your body closed in on itself, making you feel dizzy.

Just as quickly as you got in, you left, Lily waiting outside of the doors to escot you back and make sure you were okay.

“I’m fine.” You rolled your eyes, your feet dangling off the edge of the bathroom counter as she applied makeup to the newly formed scar across your face. “See? I’m dandy. Pomfrey patched me up and now no one needs to worry” You tried to give a reassuring smile, but Lily just shook her head.

“You need to tell him (Y/N).” Lily frowned, a hand on her hip as you watched her work her muggle magic on your face. You frowned back. No one needs to worry about you, you were fine. Why couldn’t anyone believe you? “Here. Bring it back after school… Tell him… for your’s and his sake.” She put a hand on your shoulder and you shrugged it off, getting up. “Fine.”

It was hard not to bump into someone as goddamn tall as Remus, but somehow you managed just long enough to make sure he didn’t see you as you slipped out to reapply. James gave you sad side glances from his desk until he managed to corner you. He got up, walking over to your desk, a furrow in his brow.

“Sirius told me.” Similar to Lily, he had placed a strategic hand on his hip, pouting slightly. “Of course he did.” You frowned, giving Sirius a side eye from your vantage point. “No, no. No ‘of course he did.’ It’s not fair to him” He pointed at Remus who was sitting away from the other Marauders similar to he was, looking very deep in thought. Your heart dropping a little bit.                

“Tell him.” His nostrils flared as he looked at you, you looked away, guilty.  “I can’t.” You whispered away from him, so he could barely hear you. He shook his head disappointedly.

“Fine. I warned you.” As he walked away, you subconsciously touched your face looking over at Remus as you sighed. It’s harder than James thinks, you thought to yourself. An audible sigh leaving you, you didn’t want to lie to your boyfriend, you really didn’t.

Sitting in the darkest corner of the library you can avoid the other, you hear footsteps approaching you. You froze before looking up to see Sirius. “I don’t want to hear it from you too, Pads.” You sighed, sinking further into your seat.

“You can’t tell him, (Y/N).” He sat down next to you, grabbing a book to hide his face as you both talked. “What?” You whispered.

“We both know he’s stubborn. He’ll dig himself into hole.” He whisper shouted back at you, his eyes peering from the top of the book. His eyebrows falling and rising as he talked, ending in a furrow and side glance towards James and Remus on the other side of the library.

“I don’t know.” You replied, sighing heavily as your brain tried to decipher your feelings. Tell Remus, Don’t tell Remus. it was a 2 for 2 vote, you sighed again. This was stupid. You touched your face again, thinking about what Remus would want. Probably to tell him. “Just keep it in mind.” Sirius ended on another frown, today sure was the day for frowning, you thought. He put the book down, giving you a nod as he disappeared behind a bookshelf.

It had been a full two days avoiding Remus like the plague, until he finally cornered you in a hallway on your way to class. Two arms trapping you to the wall, you could feel his breath against you.

“I’m not an idiot.” He asked in a calm anger, a scary trait he had. His eyes burning with determination as you wondered if you could just fall through the wall to avoid him. “I don’t know what you mean.” You lied.

“If you’re scared of me… Just say it.” His eyes pleaded for an answer from you as you struggled to further the lie. With his statement, he back away from you, seeing the metaphorical sweat on your brow.

“That’s- that’s not it” You fumbled, wringing your hands together as your heart pounded into your ears. “Then what?” He barked.

“I don’t- I can’t… I don’t know how to tell you-“ You smudge off makeup to reveal the scar. His face fell as you looked down. He wanted to reach out and trace your scar, but his eyes were filled with betrayal and sadness. You stayed quiet.

“I hurt you, didn’t I?” He demanded softy as you prayed to be sucked into the wall again. His eyes were filled with a kind of hurt you hadn’t seen before. A wave of guilt keeps you somehow quieter than silence itself.

“Just tell me!” He pushed further, stepping back as if your silence struck him a blow.

“I didn’t mean to lie, okay?-“ You tried to start, but he wasn’t having any of it.“What.” He deadpanned, his worst fears coming true as he watched you fumble your wording.

“It got out of hand and then no time was the right time and now-“ You tried even harder to explain yourself, but you had already dug yourself into a hole as you watched Remus’s eyes look for any reassurance that he was wrong.

“All of you lied to me?!” You gulped as his voice was raised, his voice straining as he tried to hold back tears. “To protect you!” You defended yourself as best you could.

“No.” He just said, his hands wanting to reach out even more, but he held them in front of his chest.

`I thought you’d be mad and then we’d break up and never speak again and-“ You wrung your hands together more frantically as he stepped away more.

“You thought right. I am mad.” He sighed sadly, not giving you the satisfaction of a last look as he walked away. A few tears finally escaped your eyes as you watched him.

You paced up and down the common room as Sirius, James and Peter did their own thing, your relentless thinking seemingly escaped your own head as James spoke up.

“I told you.” He hummed sadly as he waxed his broom. “I know.” You sighed. “So many times.” He looked up at you, a motherly shake and sigh as he rubbed circles around the helt. “I know.” You groaned, frustrated with your own decisions.

“For the record I said he’d be hurt.” Sirius wedged in his own opinion, you and James shooting him an angry look. He held up in arms in surrender, shutting his mouth before someone could tell him.

You groaned loudly, throwing your arms up in the air. “I’m going to sleep.’ You announced and your audience shrugged as you stormed off.

Tired and sad, you crawled into the sad excuse you called a bed, a light brown blood stain still on your pillow as you climbed in. You needed to tell Remus something, anything, that reflected your guilt, but you thought it best be a job for tomorrow if you could ever fall asleep.

You caught Remus in the courtyard, the sunset sky looking over it. He was alone, thank merlin, as he read to himself. You took a deep breath and tapped his shoulder. “What.” He stated, still mad. The statement not really in question and more ‘Please leave me alone.’ You sighed and tried to make the words come out, but as he stood up towering over you, you had to clear the lump in your throat before you spoke.

“Let me explain myself and you can hate me in peace, I promise.” You looked up at him with pleading eyes, he chuckled bitterly. “Please, Moony…” You pleaded further trying to catch his gaze.

“I don’t hate you, (Y/N)… How could I? It’s just that I don’t want to hurt you again. Look at you” He pushed your face up with his hand, tracing the scar across your face. “I couldn’t handle that. We made a promise and then you just lied to me.” You looked down, ashamed of his soft eyes piercing your soul. “Your word means nothing if I can’t trust you or myself.” You sat down on the stone ledge in the courtyard.

Remus frowned down at you, his lips pursed slightly as you tried to speak. He bent down to sit next to you.You were trying so hard to get the words out in a way that made sense. He sighed and looked away from you and up into the lilac sky. “Everyone promised no one would get hurt.” He looked back at you, laying a hand on yours. “I can’t handle hurting you again.” You keep your eyes locked away from him. You could hear him sigh again, taking the hand away. “I can’t handle you hurting me again…” He struggled to get the last words out, his throat catching the last syllable.

“This is why I couldn’t tell you. I can rest and be fine. You do it every month, I think I can handle getting a scratch.” You felt yourself growing more frustrated with him. Treating you like you couldn't handle a bit of roughhousing. Though every time he looked at your scar your heart hurt. You put a hand on his shoulder softly, trying to keep the same energy as him.

“It’s not fine. It’s different for me. I deserve this.” He shrugged it off, staying as stubborn as ever.

“You, Remus Lupin, don’t deserve this.” Your frustration was very clear through your tone now, pausing before every word.

“You can’t possibly understand what I go through.” He turned away from you now, eyes truly locked on the sky, refusing to look at you.

“I know that, but I’m trying to, okay?” You huffed out, crossing your arms as you watched his eyes dart from cloud to cloud. Choosing to focus on everything, but you. Your chest growing heavier with guilt and anger.

“Maybe you should stop then. You don’t need to.” He said as he stole a side glance as your frown, looking a little proud at his affect on you. “But I want to, Remus.” You sighed, crawling into yourself as you laid your arms and head on your legs.

“Then maybe we should break up.” The words landed into your brain with a crash, the feeling of the moon being pulled from the sky. Leaving you to feel the darkness that was washing over the sky as the sunset. “W-What?” You managed to choke out.

“Maybe we just shouldn’t be together, We can’t keep hurting each other.” He stared off into space, failing to notice the stream of the tears that started to fall down your face as the words felt like they were slowly choking you. “How can we date if you can’t be honest with me?” The sounds from your sobs were getting more difficult to keep to yourself. Your shoulders shuddered with the exhausted sobs leaving your body, Remus’s ‘peace’ being disturbed by this, he looked back at you.

“I’m s-sorry, I really… I really didn’t want to lie. Please don’t hate me, Remus. Please. I thought it would be okay, that you could be okay. I didn’t want to hurt you” The violent sobs took a course through your throat, the words harder than you thought they’d be. He frowned, this isn’t how he hoped it would go. Against all his better judgement he grabbed you, holding you close as you sobbed.

“It’s okay.” He hummed softly as he held your shaking frame, you sobbed harder into his chest. “It’s not. I lied t-to you. You deserved to know” You spoke muffled by his sweater. “I don’t want to lose you.” “You won’t lose me, love.” He squeezed your body a little tighter, your arms weakly snaking around him too.

“I shouldn’t have lied, it wasn’t fair to you.” You hiccuped as you pulled away from his grasp, looking up at him with the softest look you could. The guilt eating away at you as you watched him look back just as lovingly.

“It wasn’t” He sighed, taking your hands into his while you desperately tried to control your crying.

“I just… You can’t protect me all the time, even from yourself” His heart broke looking at the tears streaming down your face, his eyes softened as he held your hands pulling them to his lips to kiss softly. “I shouldn’t have said that to you.” He whispered into them which felt like it made you sob harder. He was so kind to you.

“I really am sorry, Remus.” You said as you held onto his soft hands, feeling his lips plant another kiss softly onto them.

“I know.” He said softly as you brought you into another hug, wrapping his arms warmly around you. It made you feel safe. It made him feel better.

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