#she sleeps through the night that way

[pippindot]

She's lucky she's so cute because she terrorized me all night.

#in the blanket out the blanket in the blanket #finally she settled for laying ON the pillows and draping her head on my head #which was actually fine #i wish she would realize that being tucked in with her head outside the blanket is the best! #she sleeps through the night that way #the TWO TIMES she has slept that way #pip #3 years #slaying the dragon!

[youssefguedira]

behold, the product of yesterday's lotr au discussion (for @spacegirlsgang)

Nicolò has not spoken to him in days.

He hasn't spoken to anyone. He walks silently at Yusuf's side, hand always on his sword, eyes always on the horizon. When there are people who need it, he helps, tends wounds and lifts the younger ones onto horses and hands out food. He still does not speak, and Yusuf worries for him.

They have already lost Quynh, and Sebastien. Dizzy and Jay may well be dead by now for all they know, and Nile and Lykon… he does not really want to think about it for long. He only hopes they are alive. And now Andromache, too, is gone, and Nicolò will not speak, and Yusuf cannot help feeling very, very alone without him. It is strange: Yusuf would have thought, just a week or two ago, that he would have been glad never to see Nicolò again. Now, the thought terrifies him.

When they make camp that night, Yusuf takes his place by the fire with his sword across his lap and prepares to keep watch. Nicolò joins him, after a while, but instead of taking a seat and silently watching the horizon as Yusuf has come to expect him to, he speaks.

"You should rest," he says, voice hoarse as if – well, as if he hasn't used it in days. He carries two bowls of stew, one of which he passes to Yusuf.

"So should you," Yusuf responds. He's exhausted, but neither of them have slept much – he's not sure Nicolò has slept at all since they lost Andromache.

"I do not need to sleep like you do," Nicolò says, which almost makes Yusuf laugh.

"Bullshit," he says. "Even you can't go this long without needing to rest."

Nicolò doesn't say anything to that. Doesn't even meet Yusuf's eyes, but Yusuf can tell how tired Nicolò truly is, and suddenly he cannot bear it anymore.

"We cannot keep on like this," Yusuf says. "This is not – if we're all that's left, I cannot do this without you, Nicolò."

Nicolò is quiet, for a while. When he finally speaks, he says, "Try to rest, Yusuf. I will keep watch tonight."

Yusuf waits. Nicolò does not move, nor show any sign of conceding. Just as stubborn as Andromache – well. He doesn't let himself finish that thought.

He waits a little longer, but Nicolò remains silent.

"Wake me for the second watch, then," Yusuf says, finally. Nicolò does not nod, but Yusuf no longer has the strength in him to push. He falls asleep quickly.

When he wakes, it is morning, and Nicolò is nowhere to be seen. Yusuf can only hope he found someone else for the second watch, and that he did not stay awake all night, but he would not be surprised if the latter were true.

During the day, they keep to their regular routine – Nicolò's silence and Yusuf's attempts to find anything to do that isn't think too much – but that night, when Nicolò finds him, he sets his sword down by his side and asks, "Will you wake me for the second shift?"

Yusuf nods quickly, too quickly, and Nicolò smiles, though it is small. It's the first time Yusuf's seen him smile in days.

He wakes Nicolò for the second shift and sleeps after that, and the next night, Yusuf takes the first and Nicolò the second.

It's a start, at the very least.

–

The day after they reach Helm's Deep, Nicolò is the first to see the rider.

He does not realise who it is at first: the figure is too distant. They wear a cloak with the hood pulled low over their face, and lean heavily over their horse, as if injured.

Nicolò's first thought is that it is a scout. His second thought, which he discounts quickly, is that it is Andromache, which. It cannot be. He does not dare imagine it.

When the figure keeps approaching, he shouts a warning to the guards on the walls. Yusuf, who had fallen asleep beside him, his back against the stone, startles awake. "What is it?" he asks, still half-asleep.

"I do not know, yet," Nicolò responds. He gets to his feet. Yusuf follows a moment later.

"I see it, now," Yusuf says, furrowing his brow. Nicolò's hand goes to his bow, just in case. If it is a scout, he will deal with them quickly.

Then, suddenly, Yusuf's eyes go wide, and he curses. Taps Nicolò twice on the shoulder, and runs along the wall, down the stairs, towards the gate, shouting at the guards to open it.

Nicolò looks again, then, and realises what Yusuf has seen. The rider's weapon is just visible over their right shoulder, and Nicolò knows the carvings on its handle, knows them because they are the twin of the carvings on the hilt of his hunting dagger, because both weapons were forged by the same person.

He is moving before he truly has time to process the thought. The gates are opened far too slowly, creaking with the movement, and by the time he can see the rider again she is sitting straighter in the saddle, a wide grin on her face, urging her horse forward. It is only Yusuf's hand on his arm that keeps him from running through the gates to greet her; when Nicolò looks back at him, his smile is bright enough to rival the midday sun.

Andromache.

Finally, she is there, riding through the gates like a king returning to her kingdom, like she had planned this all along, like Nicolò hadn't seen her fall from a cliff only a few days ago. She dismounts easily, before the horse has even fully stopped, and then he is running, and she is meeting him halfway and gathering him into her arms and laughing, even as he thinks he starts crying.

Then Yusuf is there too, and Nicolò has to step back but cannot bring himself to go far, and Andromache hugs him too, while Yusuf laughs, bright and loud.

"Where have you been," he is saying, and "I thought you were dead, Andromache, I thought we had lost you," and she laughs again and cups the back of his neck with one hand and says, "I'm okay, Nico, I'm okay."

"So," Andromache says once Yusuf steps back, too, her grin sharp despite how exhausted she must be. "Tell me what I've missed."

#neon writes #tog lotr au #the old guard #look. i have Feelings abt it #firstly. helm's deep is the Major turning point for joe and nicky's relationship but we're starting to lay the groundwork here #i think they're not quite there with talking about feelings yet. but on their way #nicolò a) letting yusuf sleep through the night and b) actively asking him to take the first watch (i.e. listening to him when yusuf says h #needs to rest) is really. its something for me #i don't know if the thing about elves not needing to sleep much is true just go with me on this one. also if ive mixed up timelines its in #service of the Brain Worms. ok #in the actual hypothetical longfic this would be interspersed with other sections / the reunion might be from another pov #the bit about blacksmith andy is one of my favourite details about this au #she makes quynh's necklace AND nicky's knife n him being able to recognise her by the design of her axe because it's the same as that of hi #knife. Yeah it's important to me #anyway mary as always i hope you like this <3 and thank you for continually enabling the brain worms

[ecoamerica]

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[divinekangaroo]

What is your thought on the S6 Tommy and Lizzie sex scene, would you consider it to be dispassionate and disconnected, they don't kiss. Does it scream end of a relationship that is long time coming?

I think it looks like grief-stricken lovemaking, and an attempt to connect between people who’ve been married for eight years and having sex for some fifteen years and who just had a daughter die, so possibly passionate sex is not on the cards for a while, and maybe hasn't been on the cards for a long time prior either. 

This sex scene also lands at a time where it's burdened with a massive amount of emotional issues delivered, not just Ruby's death, but Duke's reveal, and Tommy having just been given a terminal diagnosis. Perhaps Tommy feels like he's on some kind of countdown now to find a way to ‘fix’ this tangle of grief and disappointment between him and Lizzie, hence relocating their efforts to a hotel room to try to re-spark something more passionate. 

It seems Tommy always takes the role of sexual initiator with Lizzie: so, given this is not their first time having sex after Ruby's death, this is possibly also one of many attempts by Tommy trying to use sex to provide and receive physical comfort and intimacy. The relocation to the hotel room is trying to let them get through it without Ruby coming into the conversation. Lizzie's got plenty of reasons to be mad at him, and is definitely hurt, but she isn't shunning him or cutting him off from sex. They're both still reaching out for each other in the way they know has worked for them in the past, because I do think they use sex in particular to connect when words tend to trip them up badly.

They're very focused on each other’s faces in this scene, eyes open throughout, close and touching, a full length body press, so I think of how this sex scene is more about proximity and touch, which is intimate and connected.  The lack of kissing doesn't bother me one way or the other - I don’t really think of them kissing much, more touching /nuzzling. They don’t ever kiss in greeting the way some couples do, but they do embrace and usually touch/press faces. 

On whether a (tired, trying-to-connect) sex scene screams the end of a relationship a long time coming, I think they did a great job in S6 of playing the relationship dynamic as so very complex, you can never quite tell if a break up will or won’t be inevitable.  But that complexity, I find, is more in the dialogue and their other non-sexual physical touches, not this sex scene alone.  If there were a sliding scale as to ‘doomed relationship’ vs ‘fragile/imbalanced but ongoing relationship’, I’d put the sex scene on the ‘ongoing relationship’ side. I find it sweet and intimate and sad, and very middle-aged married couple, and they're both ok being a little bit pathetic with each other in favour of still making that effort to hold each other.

#peaky blinders #tommy x lizzie #just remember i'm biased because i love fail!sex #and think tired established couple fail!sex is the most intimate loving sex possible to show or write #passionate sex is invariably some form of a performance #also i do wonder what was happening back at home after ruby died for tommy to decide he needed to book a hotel room #tommy seriously rolling on top of lizzie every night trying to work through her (his) grief that way #and she was not warming to this? #or he was losing his hard? #or she was asking him to stop and leave her be? #or was lizzie initiating and tommy couldn't respond? #or did they lay there staring at the ceiling and someone would say #remember when ruby was sick and came in to sleep with us and threw up in your hair #and then it'd just be grief and memory and ghosts

[lisbonsteresa]

i'm going to SCREAM

#tm #you don't get how UNHINGED this makes me it's SO #like he's been out all day trying to track down this missing kid (as part of her case too; to give her another avenue against volker) #and they have their little catch up and at first he's concerned (she's been at this all day and now into the night too #and he GETS it - in a way maybe other people wouldn't - but he doesn't want her to burn herself out; he wants her to be careful #maybe he's about to tell her a version of 'get some sleep') #but then she talks about amanda and it makes me NUTS because she does NOT ask for his help #she doesn't ask him to stay; to read the files with her; to 'burn the midnight oil' with her #she's just...stating her case; explaining why this means so much to her; and he listens; he takes it in; and he makes the choice to help #to sit in this with her and to help her work through it #and i just -- neither of them will ask the other for help (yes i know she did at the end of the last episode the context is different ok) #but they're both so quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) desperate to help each other it makes me sick #it's so interesting to see how they deal with this as the show goes on....idk how to explain it but like #when jane needs help he closes himself off; he keeps secrets and he schemes and he lies ('let me help you' 'you're sweet') #because he's trying to keep the people he cares about - the people he never planned on caring about as much as he does - safe #even as he shares more with lisbon (and sometimes the rest of the team) he still doesn't share everything #because that puts them at risk #and that's what lisbon used to do to - in the earlier seasons she put up walls when she felt vulnerable; and she still does in some cases #but with this case especially she's much more accepting of help - she relies on her team (not that she doesn't usually) #and she's practically an open book to jane - in this scene most of all - she lets herself be more vulnerable #(and open to suggestions/ideas she might otherwise scoff at or reject) #idk idk it's very interesting but this scene makes me so wacky there's something so soft and tender and understanding about it #the way there's no spoken acknowledgement - no 'i'll help' or 'thank you' - just the silent understanding that they're in this together #because they're partners #(also the way he picks at the rest of her food - the 'done with this?' the only thing they say - and the framing through the window #is still somehow very domestic it's like my perfect scene) #spinning my wheels hard i'm not thinking clearly i just love everything about it

[glsneeg-enthusiast]

sneeg and niki siblings is real to me

#not like sneeg and charlie #in the way that ranboo and sneeg are brothers #the latching onto eachother way and knowing everything about the other but also nothing at the same time #they are so similar but also complete fucking opposites and #the suffrage of being gay and the suffrage of being a woman #being turned into something that youre not #sneeg doing anything for showfall to give him the slightest bit of approval and niki wanting to burn them to the ground #both of them dying ugly and alone just because they existed #post escape niki being proud of her identity and chopping all her hair off and dressing more masc #post escape sneeg doubling down on what showfall made him because he cant go through that again and its wrong and disgusting #and they both care about the others too much to the point of it being overbearing #except niki is always like that and sneeg wants everyone and himself dead half the time #sneeg praying to god until his hands are bloody and bruised and niki quietly bandaging his hands #because shes the only person that could ever even maybe begin to understand why he does it #niki shutting down if a guy calls her pretty or nice and sneeg immediately jumping between them #niki clinging to sneeg in public because he looks the meanest out of all of them and surely nobody will bother him #niki going into sneegs room at night and just sitting next to him because whenever he sleeps he wakes up crying #and

[dockaspbrak]

In another life itd be cool if i had a night time only roommate who like came out of a wall and was a human version of an owl (not vibes but horrible lab accident) and we chatted and socialized when i have insomnia and cant sleep so its like. A positive opportunity instead of a failure that will be pointed out 150 times tomorrow

#😵‍💫im anxiouser now #owlman would translate owl books for me #i cant grasp the cultural nuance but some of their jokes translate funny #he still has a beak but it might be made of cartilage #idk what he does that keeps him moonlighting. early evening work but then hes up all night and sleeps from like 6-2pm #who motorcycles around at 5 am i guess anyoen could but #apartment living means hes so loud right outside rn #once a prof told me (creative writing #) #that if i was feeling motivated i should chase that even through the night make sure you write and give yourself space to follow the impulse #i still use to justification internally if i ever need to if i ever feel like staying up #but i just cant figure out how to make it work with my gf living with me #love her to death but she finds routine disruptions really annoying and is kinda judgmental about sleep issues without meaning to be; #i guess depressions making me act in strange ways and its scaring me so im. ruminating a lot

[infizero]

light and misa's "relationship" is rlly tragic and fucked but also in an isolated state its really fucking funny. ESPECIALLY if you consider them both to be arospec like i do

#misa is like ''oh light my wonderful boyfriend~!! we need to go on a date we haven't been on one in so long!'' #(i know that when you're dating you're supposed to go on dates. so we have to go on a date every so often to assure me that i'm getting a #good grade in Having a Boyfriend something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve) #and then light is like (internally) 'i would literally rather kill myself than spend time with her but i need her for my purposes so i have #to appease her' (externally) ''ok sure i guess misa'' #and then they go to a restaurant and misa waits for him to kiss her the whole night (she does not attempt to herself) #meanwhile light just sits there and goes nonverbal for long extended periods of time while he monologues in his head about how to appear #like a normal (straight) human being (spoiler: he's really bad at this) #and every so often he'll be like ''you look nice. this food is good. other boring pleasantries'' while glaring as if he's poisoned her food #THEY LIVED LIKE THIS FOR 4 YEARS. #again. awful. but also kind of fucking funny. gay aroace guy and aroace girl going through the motions of a heterosexual relationship for 4 #whole years. they hate each other for sure dawg ToT obvs misa to a lesser extent but i think she definitely had a lot subconscious hate for #light. that only got stronger the longer things went on #also during this time they definitely had sex a Single Time because they got to a point where misa was like we've been dating for like #2 years normal couples usually sleep together way before then...... and light was like. LOUD SIGH. ok #it was terrible. neither of them enjoyed it and they never spoke of it again #gee wonder why that was (holding the ace spectrum behind my back) #anyways they're so awful im obsessed w them. awful apart and even WORSE together. it's beautiful #then you throw L in this mix and it gets even funnier and MORE awful #(he's bi aroace to me btw. for the record) #serena.txt #death note posting

[cheekblush]

unfortunately it's still so fucking over 😔

#did not have a restful night's sleep at all #only slept for 5 hours and woke up with swollen eyes and the headache still isn't gone #my mom keeps saying that i have to pull through and that it's always difficult being the new one but i refuse being treated this way #the problem is i can't just quit bc i received a scholarship from them & agreed to work full time for a year in return #i could pay back the scholarship with interest charges but i don't want to spend my entire savings on that #i found a really good job offer from another pharmacy but it doesn't really make sense to apply there since i'm still tied to my current.. #pharmacy for 11 months #but i'm scared that once those 11 months are up i won't be able to find such a good job offer again #tbh it sounds too good to be true bc it claims you only have to work 4 days a week and no saturdays that would be ideal #but i doubt there will still be such an offer in a year... i really don't know what to do i'm so indecisive :( #i uses to really enjoy working in my pharmacy despite the long working hours and even having to work full saturdays.. #but it's just getting worse every week and i can't stand to work with one of my colleagues anymore she's just insufferable #my concerns are not taken seriously and i'm clearly taken advantage of and treated poorly bc i'm the new one #☁️

[practically-an-x-man]

my mom's diverticulitis is flaring up and it's really tough bc on the one hand I obviously empathize with her and i really don't want her to be in pain. but on the other hand she's even more difficult to be around when she's in discomfort because she literally does not stop talking about it

#i mean seriously every other sentence out of her mouth is about how she's in pain. how she couldn't sleep last night. how she's miserable #and it's not that i don't understand what she's going through #i have chronic pain of my own. and insomnia. and chronic fatigue. i get it. #i had two straight years of my life where i was in so much pain i could barely move. couldn't eat or sleep and dropped to 100 lbs #so like. i understand what it feels like and i empathize from that respect #but it's so hard to even share a room with her when that is *all* she talks about. esp since there's nothing any of us can do to help that #(not even getting into the way she basically forced me to pretend everything was normal when i had my own severe medical stuff)

[asimplearchivist]

*remembers that I have WIPs that I inadvertently failed to update over break*

*realizes I start back to uni for the spring semester in two days*

*resists the instinctual urge to hate myself for lack of creativity and motivation on the writing front*

#I know I could have put in more effort to sit down and pick my way through some pieces #but at the same time I’ve been very melancholic lately bc going through the holidays was hard #I have to remind myself that three of my ‘college years’ got stolen by Covid and that it’s okay to slow down a little #but it’s this constant internal debate of not being productive enough versus trying to rest #*sighs* #I want to write so bad but it’s become so hard for me lately sometimes #it’s all in my head begging to come out but when I actually sit down to do it I can’t focus #drives me crazy #then when I do it doesn’t feel like it’s enough #or that it’s any good #I know that’s my inner critic and she’s a bitch but I digress #just feeling a little down this evening guys #I know my worth isn’t defined by what and how often I post #but it sure does make me feel good #so lacking that little dopamine rush gets to me I guess #I’ll hush I need to try to sleep #good night for those who bothered to read all this :)

[mccleans]

#spent all day helping my best friend move into her new flat #and it was really lovely to be able to be there for her and help her unpack and set everything up #bc her bf (one of my other flatmates) is going travelling for a couple of years in march so obvs he's moving out and they're breaking up #which is why SHE had to move out bc she couldn't afford the rent on a double room by herself #and she's only just moved down the hill like literally a five minute walk which is obviously amazing #she's not ages away yk #and she's moved in with our mutual friend which is nice too #but on a selfish note now i'm left behind in a flat with four 20 year old couples #and i'm now the outside friend like i'm the one who has to go home yk rather than being the one in the home #and i'm just dreading being alone so much of the time like cooking dinner alone and coming home from work and being alone etc #and i'm worried as well that in the new flat they'll get really close and i'll be like forgotten about and left behind #and i know this is all catastrophising and mind reading and all those therapy phrases #but it just sucks. it really sucks #i had to walk home in the rain just now up the hill at half 12 at night #and i cried the whole way because it just all sucks so bad #i knoooooow obviously there's worse problems in the world there's people that are dying kim etc etc #but i'm just very sad about it right now. very very sad about it #so it's 1am and i'm going to sleep and i will wake up at 4am for the match and arsenal better fucking pull through for me #goodnight love u all sleep well appreciate the people in ur life x #also i mean two 20 year old couples lol i don't have eight flatmates

[chaotictomtom]

hehe hoho feeling absolute rage!!!!!!!!!

#i thought mothers in laws being the worst human possible was a myth. guess what #GOING BALLISTIC 👍 #i don't give a shit abt her being all lovey dovey and shit but straight up homophobic and transphobic in my back. #even if after months and months living (hell) with her she never misgendered me nor say anything abt her son being with a man #kinda impressive to be that respectful for this amount of time then in reality being the biggest bigot on earth #like damn. she do be commited to the bit huh (making ppl she's not bothered by my existence) (when in reality she kinda wants me dead) #but like. ALL THE OTHER THINGS..... #IM USED TO THE HATE CRIMED BUT HAVE TRULY LESS TOLERANCE ABT THE TURMOIL BF IS GOING THROUGH BC OF HER LOL #thank fuck so many good ppl who also know who horrible she is are supporting bf with me #the more i learn abt her the more!!!!!! im loosing my temper lmao help im never angry what am I supposed to do with all this #IT'S NOT ONLY SHIT SHE DOES TO HER OWN SON SHE'S TERRIBLE WITH OTHER PPL 💀💀💀💀 #i want so badly to warn that company abt the abuse she did to one of the worker going there but i caaaan't #and god knows it reminds me of my groomer and how there's a risk she could do that to other ppl if no one does anything 💀 #I mean abt my groomer it is a certainty as he did abuse another wee lad after me and started with another lass and. idk what he's up to now #and it does not help with sleeping at night. but anyway hoping that she won't pull out shit like that with the other workers #she drove everybody working at that company away for having the reputation of being absolutely horrible anyway lmao 💀💀💀💀 #sorry for renting no one gives a shit but im simply!!!! loosing it ++++++ #need to find a way to channel this anger now lol help!!!!!!!! what do now #tomtom_is_rambling #tomtom_is_venting

[absensia-archived]

I've spoken briefly about this before and, again, it's usually something I leave in the little details of Charlotte's portrayal, but it's really been on my mind lately so I wanted to write out some of the prominent traits that continue to establish that, despite having gradually accumulated more experience, capital, and property over the years, Charlotte remains coded as working-class. It is crucial to both the narrative itself and her actual existence as a vessel for the primordial void, also known as Khaos. This means that she still has no ( legal ) credit cards and continues to thrift almost all her belongings, including her clothes, books, and furniture ( with the exception of shoes and appliances.) If you are someone who regularly meets up with Charlotte, you might begin to notice ( if you are perceptive ) that while she may be variably early, right on time, or show up in some unexpected state, she is rarely ever late and certainly never without a legitimate reason as to why. It is also not uncommon for Charlotte to juggle multiple jobs at the same time, and the only time she'll agree to a single job, at the exclusion of all other work is if she knows that that one job will be worth it. Related to this is the fact that Charlotte has a very hard time saying no to job offers; it's a habit ( read: stress response ) she is trying to unlearn, but it continues to be a struggle. Lastly, despite having successfully taken on leadership roles in the past, Charlotte expresses a strong dislike for being consigned to a "boss" role as she still much prefers to be hands on, in the action, at risk rather than sitting back and letting others do the work. She becomes restless if she finds herself "at the top" or in the position of too much obvious power; recall the adage about how it is lonely at the top, and how isolation is not something that the void's vessel can allow. She needs to be among people; she needs to be present to catalyze chaos. That being said, this doesn't mean that Charlotte simply allows herself to be treated or thrown away as a mere lackey or just another body, but that is still part of the struggle, isn't it?

#you'll also notice that char is very smart about the way she stores and maintains what belongings she DOES have #ie. her money her safe“houses” her work equipment #within the bounds of her control - char doesn't go out of her way to destroy or wreck her own stuff #if chaos happens then there's nothing she can do; and other people's stuff is fair game #but her own shit? she takes care of that shit best she can #it ties into the fact that she doesn't have a set or consistent sleep schedule #but for her work she will be up at the crack of dawn if needed; she will be out all night; she will be up and working days on end if needed #she also enjoys working in teams and if you've ever had to have char as a co-worker u'll know she's actually nice to work with #still untrustworthy still chaotic still annoying as fuck - but also nice #she prefers to work with equals rather than take any kind of control over others. control being the other side of the coin to chaos :') #she's also worked such a HUGE myriad of what society considers labour / “entry-level” / “unskilled” jobs... #...in order to learn from an inconspicuous position. #i could go on and on but like i said - i'll leave in the writing #i'm so proud of my chaos goblin #thinking about how at one point in her timeline she worked and played her way all the way to accidentally taking out a crime boss... #....then IMMEDIATELY did a 180 going “nope not for me” and vanished #too lonely at the top and that's no fun for this one :( #( smth smth the fact that she's just a vessel is too ingrained in her sense of self for her to actually stand out and be leader ) #( smth smth even pawn-turned-queens revert back to pawns at the end of the game ) #and as always - if you actually read through all this IM SO THANKFUL FOR U MWAH <3

[2kyears]

i dont want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to see her desk, her notes about programs, i dont want to pretend to be strong for my team, i don't want to cry anymore.

#death tw #suicide tw #out of character // not a vamp #it made me cry all over again to see the sponges on the desk bc she was so excited to host her program yesterday #i couldnt even sleep last night bc everytime i closed my ey es i rethought everything i said to her thursday i thought about how i checked #on her and how i saw something was off and just thought she was going through something personal and shed be fine and i just...im trying no #blame myself im trying not to think i could have done something bc there was nO WAY i could have known but its not the smae without her #leading the childrens programs. theres gonna be someone else in that desk and i hate this grief i havent eaten anything all day