#she was like yeah since a very young age i suspected you might be autistic. but i didn’t want to find out

[karlyanalora]

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

Self-diagnosed. My mom suspected since I was quite young that I was autistic. She was afraid I'd use that knowledge as a crutch for disorder influenced behaviors that were hurtful to others. Which was valid.

Little me had zero empathy. You know that parenting trick where you tell two fighting siblings that they are allowed to beat the crap out of each other and their neurotypical empathy is supposed to stop them from doing just that? Yeah, apparently I gave my little sister one heck of a punch. (I do have empathy now, but I'm not sure when or how that happened? Maybe when I realized my actions had an impact on the feelings of others?)

So while I like to think it wouldn't have happened, knowing me, I can see why my mom thought I would take the knowledge that I have autism and use it as an excuse to be a jerk. Unfortunately not knowing I had autism and how that made my experience different meant I was doing a fine job of being a jerk purely on accident. (My poor younger sister. It's not a surprise our relationship only began to mend when I learned about autism.)

When did I first suspect I was autistic? The Temple Grandin movie. You see, I liked hugs from my mom but any touch from my younger sister made my skin crawl. I was very vocal about this (sorry sis). Anyway, I saw the Hug Machine and realized I didn't like my sister's touch because it wasn't as firm as my mom's. (Not like sis could fix that since she wasn't strong enough to make it firm enough.) I was also the family hypochondriac (since learned what I thought was "sick" was just really that I'm hyperaware of my body and what that feels like can change a lot day to day.)

So anyway I came away wanting a hug machine and saying I had autism. My parents panicked and convinced me I was not autistic. (Understandable but not great parenting moment. We've talked about it.)

I was homeschooled for a lot of reasons, one of them being my mom knew I'd be eaten alive by my peers. (Thank you for sparing me that.) But my peers couldn't be avoided and at age 12 in a homeschool group play, I discovered bullying. It was an awful time in my life with lots of complicated factors. My mom and I worked hard with trusted adults to identify what I might be doing that could be bothering these teens so much. Couldn't find anything and my mom realized it was probably my autism. There were other outside factors besides that, but she realized it was a mistake not to tell me.

A lot of my schooling involved my mom giving me non-fiction books to read. So I didn't think anything of it when she gave me one on autism she'd heard about on NPR. She assigned me a lot of books on autism. Really good books about the history of autism, how perception and scientific thought has changed on the matter, and so on. (Wish I could remember the names but I will go find them if asked.) I saw myself in those books and this time my mom nurtured that and together we found resources that would help me navigate the social world with less heartache.

So I knew by age twelve. Sometimes I miss not knowing. I was peacefully oblivious to the fact my peers didn't like me and were ostracizing me (my mom could see it though and it hurt her because she knew how wonderful I am). Now, I see it. And man, it hurts. I've learned to mask to prevent bullying, but I don't know how to stop.

But if I didn't know, I couldn't have learned. I'd still be hurting those I love by accident. Heck, I still do sometimes. Just because they understand I don't mean it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them emotionally. I've been able to learn a lot and develop some very fulfilling relationships. I've been able to help others more.

An important reminder that I am not speaking for the community at large. This is my experience and I'm looking forward to learning more about ones that don't match.

#30daysofautismacceptance