#she’s a straight women and when her and my grandpa divorced long before I was even born she was like ok I’ve had enough of men

[man-moth-hook-hand]

Welcome to My Nighmare Ch. 2

I absoluty clown on david in this and my scrunkly boi deserves it. Also, I fully believe that Paul uses the most cheesy words/phrases in his speech. He’s pulling no bitches, he’s hypnotizing women to convince the boys he has sex appeal. 

Master list

Chapter Two: The Freaks Come Out at Night

There was a dead guy on the porch of my new residence. Jesus-fucking-Christ, I’m with crazy people.

“Dad?” Lucy checked on the old man on the steps. “Dad?” She asked sounding more worried.

“If he’s dead, does that mean we get to go home?” Sam excitedly asked. Lucy gave him a stern look but was brought out of it by the dead guy.

 “Playin’ dead. And doing a damn good job of it!” The old man finally spoke. Lucy hugged him, laughing off the encounter. She then told us to go inside and unpack.

“So, you’re living with us now?” Michael asked.

“Sorta,” It was kind of a complicated question, “I’m only staying until I can afford another place. Don’t get me wrong, you guys are nice, I just, Uh, want somewhere else to live. Plus, I’m sure it’s kinda weird for you guys. I mean you did just move states after your mom got a divorce and now you got some homeless kid in your house.”

“I guess.” Michael left it at that. “Well, it’s still nice to meet you. It’ll be nice having someone other than Sammie around.” Same gave him a dirty look for that.

Lucy introduced me to ‘Grandpa’ which I guess is what I was supposed to call him, the brought me to the attic. “It’s not very big, but,” she trailed off. I cut her off saying it was fine and that I was more than happy to have somewhere to be. It wasn’t really an attic anyway; it was more like a small room that had a few steps above the rest of the walkway. It overlooked a field in the back, I gazed out of the window and noticed some horses playing with Nanook. Horses are a symbol for total freedom from everything. I think maybe I finally got that freedom, even if it’s a little unorthodox.

In the room was a full-sized bed and an old chest of draws that came up around to my chest. At least there were sheets on the bed; however, they most certainly weren’t my style. It looked like someone’s grandma died and became the bed. It didn’t help that dust covered every corner of the room. I decided to unpack the few things then sweep. All my clothes fit in one of the five drawers. On top I set my Walkman, wallet, book, and new pair of sunglasses to give it a little bit of a homey feel.

 “Here,” Mr. Emerson gave me some kind of taxidermized animal, “As a welcome gift.” He smiled at me. I smiled back and said thank you. At least it was kind of cute, it was a fox. I think. Maybe it was a janky coyote.

/|\^._.^/|\

 Later that night, we clamored into the car heading for the boardwalk. It had such a different feel to it at night. I’ve always been a bit of a night owl, but oh my god this was beautiful. The lights, the salty air, the music, everything felt so alive! It wasn’t like during the day where kids rounded every corner crying and parents gave you dirty looks for wearing a crop top. No, at night, it was when the real freaks came out. Goth kids, weird surfer guys, bikers, and drunk teenagers flooded the area. They infected every corner, crevice, and as much surface area as possible. It was intoxicating.

I quickly remembered that I needed a job, fast, so I looked anywhere for a help wanted sign. I went into that bookstore from earlier, but the man just looked at me with pity. He gave some excuse of not being able to afford more people besides himself. Then there was a burger joint, the manager looked at my low-cut crop top before saying no. Seriously, what gives? I looked at a few other places and almost gave up, but a jewelry store had the sign saying HELP DESPRETLY WANTED, WILL HIRE FELONS. Couldn’t hurt, right? Every other place rejected me.

“Hi! How can I help you?” A girl a little younger asked me. She had long, straight, black hair and wore what some would consider too much blush. She was tan wit freckles, so I guess it events it out.

“Actually, I saw the sign for help wanted. Who should I talk to?” I asked as polite as I could. The girl yelled for a woman in the back.

A woman who looked like blonde Joan Crawford came out from behind a beaded curtain. She had dark purple eyeshadow and dark purple lips to complete her look. “I’m Ms. Brenda Cheney. I heard you’re looking for a job?”

“Yes ma’am,” I shook her hand and said It was nice to meet her. “When can I start?” It was a little bold, but damn I needed a job.

“Tomorrow!” she smiled while chewing her gum. “I like you kid. Be here by nine am, Jennifer will show you how to open.” Thank God. I introduced myself to Jennifer and spoke for a little bit. The rumbling of my stomach brought me out of it. I told her goodbye and that I would see her tomorrow.

After I ate probably a too processed hot dog, I noticed a really sweaty guy playing a saxophone. I didn’t usually go into crowds for fear of pickpocketing, but why the hell not? I literally just packed up and left home and I’m doing pretty good so far. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a dude that looked like Billy Idol got his shit rocked and was washed out from fame. He looked disgusting, it was a little hot. The other looked like a tall, punk Shaggy, with longer hair. I think I would have been put off by a Scooby with him. They made eye contact with me. It was kind of creepy how much Billy Idol was into it, so I decided to lose him in the crowd.

I saw a familiar glimpse of black hair in the crowd and spotted Jennifer with a guy. “Hey!” I said. “Do you remember me?”

 “Of course!” She said “You’re that girl that came in earlier, it’ll be nice to have someone other than Brenda and James around. This is my brother Adam,” She gestured to the guy beside her.

“Hey,” He was a little taller than me, freckles, dark brown curly hair, and best of all he had a nice ass. I noticed from when I walked behind them to catch up. “It’s nice to meet you.”

 “Nice to meet you too, do you guys mind if I follow you for a bit? I’m not from here.”

 “Sure! I know all the best places here. Let’s do the Ferris Wheel, ice cream shop, then I’m thinking the movie rental. Sound good?” she asked.

“Sure, you seem like you got a plan.” I laughed. I scanned the boardwalk trying to locate where Jennifer was talking about, spotting the Billy Idol guy. He was just watching me. It was creepy instead of mysterious now.

“Oh, she’s bossy.” Adam piped up. I laughed, damn was he cute. Once we got to the front of the Ferris wheel they split us up into groups of two, I told them I’d catch the next one.

“I could be your rider.” The shaggy guy from earlier said, “I’m Paul, sugar."

“I’m not sugar.” I hated men like that. He apologized and asked if he could ride with me. I caved; he was weird but sadly I liked weird. I had to admit, he was decently interesting and had a good face. “And if you look over there, there’s a bridge that I jumped off of.” He pointed to a bridge not too far from here. He had been pointing to almost every location and telling me tid bits of his ‘adventures.’

I laughed, “It’s like when your mom asks, ‘if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?’ I’ve always like falling from really high places, which is ironic since I have a fear of height.”

“Nah, it’s like flying,” we reached the top. “So, you looking to hang our with some cool cats?” Paul finger gunned me. “Oh, by the way, the coaster goes higher.”

“How charming, but no thank you.” I did consider it, only for a moment, “You’re really cheesy, ya know? And maybe I’ll ride the coaster with you.” I peered down into the crown and spotted that white haired guy again, Jesus Christ he’s persistent.

 “Hey, that’s what draws the babes!” Paul said bringing me out of my daze.

“I don’t think it does Paul.” I had noticed we reached the bottom when the attendee pulled the safety bar off. I thanked Paul for riding with me and suggested the coaster again, he said he had to get going. Just when you think a guy’s into you.

“Who was that guy?” Jennifer asked.

“Uh, Paul. He rode with me, so you guys didn’t have to wait.” I explained.

“Oh, ok.” she said. I spent the rest of the night with the both of them. The ice cream was good, Adam is a strawberry guy. I noticed a glimpse of white hair in the distance. I should find Lucy and go home before it’s too late. What if he’s stalking me? Is he gonna kill me?

“What’s wrong?” Adam asked. He noticed I had been acting a little weird.

“At the concert that happened earlier, there was a guy and I made eye contact with him. I started noticing him at the Ferris Wheel and at the ice cream shop. It’s like he’s stalking me.” I felt weird explaining it to Adam, maybe it was all a coincidence.

“That guy got kicked off of the boardwalk a couple of days ago, that night, the security guard that kicked him off went missing.” Adam said. I guess I was making a weird face since he said, “Well, maybe it was just a coincidence, ya know? I don’t think he wants to kill you.”

“Ok.” I didn’t really believe him. “I think I’m gonna find my ride and head back home. It’s been really nice to get to know you guys.” I waved my goodbyes and made my way to find Lucy. I spotted Nanook about 30 feet away.

“Hi Lucy, are you about to leave?” I asked her.

“Oh, yeah. I was looking for Michael, but Sam said he wandered off with someone.” She dug in her purse for her keys. We clamored into the car and mentioned her new job at the video store.

“That’s nice, I also got a job to help pay for some rent. It’s at a jewelry counter here on the board walk.” I felt bad for what I was about to say. “My job starts at nine tomorrow, it’s ok if I can’t, but could I borrow your car to get here?”

“My shift starts at ten tomorrow, so I’ll just drop you off and wait for Max’s store to open up.” She explained.

“That’s great, thank you.” Thank God. I didn’t want to have to walk like 12 miles to get here.

Once we made it back to the house, everyone started to settle in for the night. Lucy gave me some pajamas and hygiene products. It was a set she was gifted and never used. They were still in date and actually smelled pretty good. After peeling off the clothes that reeked of other people, I scrubbed every inch of my body. My mind wandered to that man from earlier. I couldn’t understand why he was watching me.

I stepped out and dried off, thankfully Lucy’s pajama’s fit me. They had hearts all over them, it was probably also gifted in the bathroom set she didn’t use. I made my way into my room and began to close the window. A man with white hair. I quickly shut the curtains and went to bed. There’s no way he knows where I live. Even if he did, we would’ve seen headlight following us, right? Eventually, I found a way to calm myself enough to fall asleep. That’s a problem for tomorrow.  

#the lost boys #the lost boys 1987 #the lost boys david #the lost boys paul #the lost boys marko #the lost boys dwayne #david the lost boys #paul the lost boys #david x reader #david tlb #paul x reader #paul tlb #dwayne the lost boys #dwayne tlb #marko the lost boys #marko tlb #david x rear

[the-blade-and-the-brush]

Ok listen. In regards to the news about John and Anna’s divorce I just wanna say love is not dead. Just because their marriage is ending doesn’t mean they didn’t or still don’t love each other. But I still get why people are upset. I’m upset. But I think it’s about more than just these two people that we have never met.

For many of us, this was the first time we heard a male comedian talk about how much he loved being married, rather than hating it (which we were all sick of). It gave us hope, (specifically for women who are attracted to men) that a *straight man could love and respect his wife.

This wasn’t some fictional love that set unrealistic standards about relationships, these were real, flawed people that we could look up to. And obviously we didn’t and shouldn’t know everything about their relationship because it’s none of our business, but we all know that marriages are hard and complicated and they end for all sorts of reasons. But just because something ends doesn’t mean it was never real, or not worth it.

And for those who need some hope right now, I’ll tell you about my Aunt and Uncle. They’ve been together since long before I was born (I’m 21) but have never married. I don’t see them often, but when I do it’s clear how much they love and respect each other.

I’ll tell you about my grandparents, who were together for over 50 years. Whenever my grandma was in the hospital, my grandpa would dote on her and worry over her till she could come home, and whenever we visited them, they were attached at the hip.

I know it’s rare for us to see a healthy straight relationship, but please know that they do exist.

I know this was long but I had a lot of feelings that needed somewhere to go.

#john mulaney #annamarie tendler #divorce

[ladyreapermc]

Fic: Brooklyn Baby (John Wick x Reader)

Summary: AU. John knew he was going to regret letting his daughter Daisy throw her 21st birthday party in his house. He just didn’t know how much. Part 2: A little loss of innocence | Part 3: Insatiable Craving | Part 4: Make it Hurt | Part 5: Play with Fire |

Author’s Notes: This is pure filth ok? I have no excuse and I’m sort of scared of my brain for coming up with this idea. Also, this might turn into a series. Someone stop me please!

Wordcount: 1550

Warnings: huge age gap (but everyone is legal); smut (oral; dirty talk; D/S tones; praise kink)

Helen did warn John was going to regret agreeing to this: letting their daughter throw her 21st birthday party in his house. He did consider saying no, but Daisy just batted her brown doe eyes at him, pouting so big that John felt like the worst dad in the face of the earth once again and caved.

He already barely spent time with her since she was off to college and John himself spending so much time away in jobs, which had been the reason he and Helen had grown apart, and even if he still loved her, he understood why she called quits on their marriage.

A sharp high-pitched yell filled the air, the excitement obvious in their tone, and John flinched. Seeing Daisy’s friends made him feel so old that John sneaked down to his workspace in the basement to get away. He considered checking in at the Continental for the night but something told him it would be wiser to stay, but out of sight.

So he refugeed himself down there, focusing on the book he was supposed to be binding, some soft jazz playing on the background to help him focus, but not loud enough to dull John’s senses so he heard the quiet squeak of the third top step of the stairs.

He looked over in time to see a pair of long tanned legs appear into his view, followed by a very small dress that clung to her body like a second skin. John remembered her, she was one of Daisy’s new friends from college, his daughter’s roommate. The girl had been part of the small entourage that arrived earlier to get everything ready for the party. She smiled sweetly at him, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

“Sorry to bother Mr. Wick, but Daisy can’t find the other packs of beer...”

“On the freezer in the garage,” he replied with a sigh wondering how many drunken youngsters he would have to deal by the end of the night.

“Thanks,” she flashed another smile, attention focusing on her phone for a second before returning to the wall of books behind him. “May I?”

John glanced at the books he had bound and nodded. She moved closer and in the tight space of the basement, he could smell the salt of her skin mixed with the scent of vanilla as she browsed the titles in front of her. John swallowed a lump of lust when she bent slightly to take a closer look at the books on the lower shelves.

He hadn’t been with many women after the divorce and most of the time, it had been quick tumbles to ease the solitude of his life. They were women from his world too, who knew exactly what they were getting into when they chose to get in bed with him. They weren’t younger than him by 30 years, looking soft and sweet and naive and so fucking pure John felt like he was tainting her by just breathing the same air.

“These are so amazing, Mr. Wick,” her hands trailed over the leather spines in a way that looked a lot like a caress, and John couldn’t help but wonder how her hands would feel in his skin. “I have a couple of books, they were my grandpa’s, maybe you could bind them for me?”

“Of course,” he offered her a small smile as she beamed at him and it felt like he was bathing in sunshine. “Just bring them over and I’ll take a look.”

“Thank you so much!”

He wasn’t expecting the kiss on his cheek, much less the way it lingered longer than necessary. Or the way their eyes met, hers full of something John dared not name because it was wrong, and she was his daughter’s friend.

Still, the air was heavy with tension as they gazed into each other’s eyes and John really needed to look away, break this connection because his will was being eroded by the way she caught her plump lower lip between her teeth and the rise and fall of her chest, making her breasts push forward against the delicate lace of her dress.

She took the first step before John could, letting her lips graze against his. Only a soft brush of skin against skin, but it was enough to awake the beast of desire in John. He cupped her nape pulling her closer, kissing her hard, tongue invading her very willing mouth for a kiss.

She tasted so sweet it was addictive and John couldn’t find a way to stop himself, getting to his feet and crowding her against the shelves. God, she was so petite but seemed just as caught in this spell as he was because her small hands seemed to be everywhere on his body, touching and exploring.

“We shouldn’t,” he whispered, hands in her ass, kneading the soft flesh so she would moan in his mouth. “This is wrong.”

“So wrong,” she whispered back, sneaking her hands under his shirt, cataloging his scars with her soft fingers before exposing her neck in offering. “Daisy would kill me if she found out.”

“Don’t let her know,” he mumbled, sucking kisses down the column of her throat, one hand coming to her cunt, finding her so wet beneath the cotton of her underwear.

“Please, Mr. Wick,” she whined, rocking against his exploring fingers, spreading her knees to give more space to work.

All common sense flew from John’s brain, leaving only pure desire and need. His body burned and his cock throbbed as he took in how she looked: completely debauched, head thrown back, legs spread, hips moving against his hand as she cupped her own breasts. She was a sight to behold like this.

“Get on the table,” he ordered taking his hand away and she whimpered at the loss. “I want to see you.”

She obeyed as quickly as she could, taking time only to push the book he was working on to the side before taking a seat. John hovered above her, bending down for another kiss before he hiked her skirt, exposing her to his gaze and pulling off her white panties.

“Look at you, darling,” he sighed, watching her pretty little cunt on display for him. “You’re so wet your dripping on my table.”

She moaned low, a pretty flush rising from her chest to her neck and cheeks as she tried to close her knees, but John kept them open, giving her a warning glare. She wasn’t going to deprive him of this delectable view.

He took a seat on his chair so his face was at the same height as her cunt and ran two of his fingers through her folds, making her shiver and moan. Her sounds were going straight to his dick. John could feel it pressing against his zipper, uncomfortably hard. All he wanted was to bury himself into her tight heat but first, he wanted to explore her.

He brought his mouth closer, spreading her lips with the V of his fingers. John could see her glistening clit and he blew against it, making her shudder before he flickered his tongue and she bucked her hips, a loud moan spilling from her lips.

“So sensitive,” John grinned, repeating his actions again and again and soon she was writhing under his ministrations sobbing almost desperately as he ate her out, drinking on the sweet juices of her pussy, his tongue alternating between little flicks at her clit and broad strokes on her slit to gather all of her wetness.

She chanted pleas of more, trying to rock her hips to get a little more, a little faster, but she was under his power and would take what he was willing to give, nothing more, nothing less. However, John was feeling kind, so he pushed two fingers inside her, making her cries grow louder at the intrusion.

“So tight, darling.” He mumbled against her clit. “I can’t wait to feel you around my cock.” His hardness twitched and pulsed at the thought as he pressed against her g-spot and she arched and shook, a gush of wetness soaking his hand as she came with another cry. “Good girl.”

She heaved and panted, a blissed-out smile in her lips as she recovered and John could feel her walls spasming around his fingers, clenching and trying to pull him deeper. He could already feel the need growing in his chest, his leaking cock leaving a wet spot on his pants. But before he could go any further, John heard the door being pulled open, Daisy calling out her name.

In a flash she was on her feet, fixing her dress and hair, while John hid his problem under the desk just seconds before Daisy walked into view.

“There you are!” She rolled her eyes. “Is my dad boring you with all the bookbinding stuff?”

“Not at all,” she smiled at Daisy, but her gaze flitted his way. “He’s being the perfect host and indulging me.”

“Well, Jack and Don are doing push-ups, so come on!”

Daisy tugged on her hand, all but towing her friend with her, leaving John behind with his ragging hard-on, her white panties and all-consuming guilt in his gut.

xxx

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[nisaadventures]

I’m turning 30 in 10 days... yikes.

The last year of my life has sucked... lol. Okay, it wasn’t all bad. I’m exaggerating... but I’m also not. I know there were plenty of nice moments in the last year... but when I think about the last year of my life, its just full of so many firsts... awful firsts... 

First time celebrating their birthdays without them...

First holiday season without them... anyone else miss mom’s turkey? Most people don’t like traditional thanksgiving dinner because the turkey is more often dry... mom’s was never dry... Okay the key people.. Don’t actually cook your stuffing in the turkey. Its just going to suck all the juice life out of your bird... I mean come on. Trick #1 stuff the turkey with fresh cut oranges and yes, you can leave the skin on... #2 do majority of the oven time in an oven bag to keep the moisture in. #3 cook breasts down. Its the part thats usually most dry, so duh... keep it in the juicy, buttery goodness of the pan. I never made the entire meal, I usually just helped mom with everything. These are just some things I’ve taken away in my observations. 

Halloween trip to Disneyland without them... Disney is always a good time, but I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t feel heavy in some way... and that is saying something because Disneyland is my happy place lol. 

Looking forward to 2020... Hoping that it had so much better in store for us. 

Dear lord... what a joke. 

Going to Hawaii for our “family trip” without them...

A pandemic without them... I mean yes, I’m thankful they aren’t out there with COVID on the rise... I’m glad they’re not stuck at home because COVID. Mom and Michael are both too much of busy bees to be cooped up in the house for too long. 

Not going to lie... picking up where they left has been hard. All of moms plants... The dogs.. Taking care of the backyard, where Michael usually would. Mom would definitely do too much at once. She’d be out in the yard planting something and pulling out something else in her damn UGG boots! wth mom?! Those are expensive! lol. “Oh its fine.. I’ll wash them.” Omg lol. Either that, or she’d be over here trying to move heavy a$$ pots by herself and I’d have to stop her before she hurt her back. Ayiyi. 

Keanu and Aria’s birthdays without them... seeing my babies sad and missing their grandma, grandpa, and aunties has been hard. It will be out of nowhere sometimes... and all the nights of Aria waking up in the middle of the night crying. I feel you baby girl... I get it. I miss them too... Its okay to be sad... Mantras... 

You were her little rays of sunshine. Grandpa and grandma loved you SOOOO much. 

Mom would babysit the kids on Saturday mornings, while Kuya, Vaness, and I went to workout. They’d go get breakfast, pancakes and eggs, at UJs. She’d take them to Target, the dollar store, Walmart, etc. just so they could look and maybe get something to play with together. She always crafted with them. 

Living in this house... especially with COVID... has been hard. I miss just sitting at the dinner table, eating sho mi, and talking about work. Mom and Michael getting all worked up over some crazy manager, or something going down with the union.. yup, that’s where I get it from... advocacy and leadership skills FTW.  One thing they could always talk about for HOURS was work lol. 

I remember when I was a little girl, Mom would let me play in the bathtub until I was all wrinkled. She would let me bring all my toys into the tub. At one point I even had a care bear doll that she, for some reason, let me take in the bath lol. She’d throw it in the dryer for me after I was done. 

I remember going to the grocery store with mom and leaving with two full a$$ grocery carts because we had a full house at all times. I mean it was Kuya, my cousin Jojo, my brother Derric, my cousin John, Bubba, my cousin Jay, me and whoever else was over the house lol. When Kuya was in high school, it was all of his buddies partying at our house and crashing on the floor in the living room, dining room, and all the couches. She was the #1 host for sure.

“Are you hungry? Did you eat yet?” 

Thats love. 

All of Kuya’s high school friends called her Mom. My friends called her Mama Fern. She loved that. 

I remember playing hide n go seek in the dark in our tiny town house.. Later in the bigger house on Glenbriar... where mom actually tripped and broke her arm... But she laughed so hard she peed her pants, so she was a good sport? lol. Needless to say, we sort of stopped playing after that.

I remember making dim sum with mom for the first time. Such a hot mess, flour and food everywhere, but so fun. We definitely didn’t do that again until there were more adults around to help lol. Mom knew how to run through a kitchen like a tornado. Hot mess! but the best cook. 

Mom was always careful. She always wanted to make sure we were safe, that I was safe. I couldn’t go outside unless one of the boys was with me. When I would swim she would get nervous, even though I learned how to swim at a young age thanks to Kuya. One day, we were having a bbq, lots of family over, I was playing in the jacuzzi (drawing on the wall of the jacuzzi with a piece of chlorine... don’t play with chemicals kids lol) and she thought I was drowning? So she jumps her a$$ in there fully clothed and yanks my a$$ out. I was shocked as hell, so I naturally started crying hella hard and complaining about the fact that she scratched me when she yanked me up out of the water lol.

Keep in mind that that was not the first time one of the twins jumped into the pool fully clothed to “save” someone hahaha. 

 Speaking of fully clothed in the pool... The time auntie tripped and fell slo-mo style (that questionable, are you going to catch your balance, speed) into the pool LOL. Mom was dead laughing at her. Most hilarious video. 

Those twins lol. 

Jeeze.. speaking of the twins. They had this crazy connection. Tell me why when mom got sick with suspected viral meningitis and had to be hospitalized... Auntie straight up followed her right into the ICU with viral meningitis... 

Who remembers their 50th birthday? Talk about doing it BIG. So much fun. All the performances. Lani was there... KMA performances and kuya and John getting down for Maglalatik. Who doesn’t like seeing some half naked, buff dudes, bang coconuts together? haha. The twins getting down with their hula performance. Cute!

I remember when Mom and pops were going through their divorce and she would text me after midnight. I was going to Sac State and of course I was team NO sleep at the time. I would be in the AIRC studying. I’d comfort as best as I could from a distance... and then come home on weekends to be there with her when I could. 

She found her footing again. Started going to the gym with Kuya more... Started running all the time... all of her half marathons and finally she did the Nike Women’s Marathon. 

Hiking Half Dome with her. What.a.badass. 

That is really how I see her. She was so badass. When she was my age she had my 9 year old Kuya and I was on the way... She was working and supporting us and then eventually decided to make a better life for us, and went back to school... NURSING SCHOOL. wth. I can’t even imagine doing that right now, but reminding myself of where she has been and how much she PUT IN WORK... That keeps me grounded in the fact that we are responsible for our lives. If you want something, you have to work for it. You can’t just hope for better... you make better happen. 

I guess its that reminder... her strength... her and Michael’s love and hard work... That keeps me going. 

Being mindful... being thankful... acknowledging my own strength... 

But with that said... August has been increasingly hard. I don’t like to think about my birthday. I don’t even want to plan anything. They’re not here... I can’t celebrate with all my loved ones and friends. Thank you COVID... 

We’re just getting closer and closer to the anniversary? Nah.. lets not call it that... anniversary sounds like something nice... something to celebrate... This is NOT that. The day your loved ones are taken is not something to celebrate... I mean honestly, if I had to pinpoint the worst day of my life, that was it.... When I think about that day I can’t breathe. Terrible memories... so many sleepless nights. I’ve come so far. Its still hard, but I’ve come a long way. 

Anyway... this post is sort of random and nostalgic. Things I hold onto. Things that make me happy cry... Things that weigh heavy on my heart. 

Here’s my playlist for grief... reminders of them... collected over the last year:

Aloha for now -Kaleo Vai & Passion 

One day at a time -Jennifer Chung

In the end - Gabe Bondoc, Melissa Polinar, Passion

Round and around -Kolohe Kai

Fade Away -Rebelution

Alive -The Green

New Day -Kimie’

Angels above me -Stick Figure

Memories -Maroon 5

Wish you pain -Andy Grammer

100 -Katchafire

Everyday life -Coldplay

Out of the darkness -Isla vista worship, Bre Reed

Amen -Andra Day

Grateful -13 Crowns feat. Poo Bear

Rainbow Connection -Gwen Stefani

Be okay -ZOE worship 

With you -Eryn Allen Kane

Dont worry -Mesto feat. Aloe Blacc

Just livin’ -Sensi trails, Kbong

Remember me -Miguel, Natalia Lafourcade

Even more -Major

Let it be -Xav A.

Give Thanks -Iya terra, Stick figure

Mr. Sun -Sammy Johnson

Rest easy -Thrive, Nico of Tribal Theory

Sunny Days- Allen Stone

Today’s a new day -Common Kings

Mother’s Love -Jonah Jaxon, Micah G

The bones -Maren Morris, Hozier

Give you blue -Allen Stone

And we remain -Johnnyswim

Yellow -Kina Grannis

Streetcar -Daniel Caesar

Meant to be -Bebe Rexha, Florida georgia line

All you need to know -Gryffin, slander, Calle Lehmann

Like I’m gonna lose you -Jasmine Thompson

#ohanaovereverything #threeoh #grief #memories #family #loss

[the--blackdahlia]

Armageddon Chapter 13 (Dean x Reader)

Title: Armageddon Chapter 13

Summary:  Space. The Final Frontier. But for Dean Winchester, space was the last place he thought he would ever go. His family life isn’t perfect, his job isn’t ideal, but he has (Y/n), the woman he loves. Sam Winchester never thought his life would turn out the way it did. He is divorced, alone, and his brother most likely hates him. Working for NASA was not going to be easy. But, when a threat to the earth has him calling on his family for help, what can he do? can Sam and Dean push past his family issues to keep the Earth spinning another day? Based on the movie of the same name.

Pairings: Dean x Reader; Sam x Jessica

Warnings For this Chapter: Mainly language I believe

Song for this Chapter is Enter Sandman by Metallica

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Dean was pacing back and forth in the holding pen. They had a crew in the launch bay prepping the rockets that would launch them into space. He hadn’t spoken to (Y/n) in a while and he was now itching to hear her voice. He was told his walkman wouldn’t be allowed on the ride with him. Know all he was left with was a ball of nerves and a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.    

“You ok brother?” Benny leaned on one of the walls and crossed his arms. “You keep walking like that, you are going to bore a hole on that concrete floor,” Benny chuckled. “Who knows? Maybe you’ll strike oil!”  

“Or hit a gas pocket and launch us to the moon.” Dean rolled his eyes. Sam wrapped his arms around their necks.

“Guys, do you know where we’re going?” Sam asked with a smile.

“No, Sam… I mean where could we possibly go?” Dean sighed sarcastically. “Oh no… I just set him up didn’t I?”

“Guys, we are literally going where no man has gone before!” Sam chuckled. “So, who wants to be Kirk?” He smiled and walked away.

“If anyone’s Kirk, it’s me.” Benny told Dean.

“I can be Bones!” Dean gave Benny a pat on his shoulder as they followed Sam.

They made their way to a small area were they were helped into their space suits. Dean glanced over at Sam. He looked like he was born to wear the suit. He couldn’t help but smile.

“Ready?” Sam asked everyone. There were murmurs and nods. “Let’s go guys.”

Dean closed his eyes as they made their way to the lift that would help them get on the rocket. He tried to focus on what (Y/n) sounded like. He always felt her voice calmed him whenever he was nervous. Soon, they were up in the lift and making their way into the shuttles, where they were strapped in.

As they were getting ready for lift off, Dean heard Sam say something. Something a little familiar.

“Say your prayers, little one. Don’t forget my son to include everyone.” Sam sang. Benny smiled and joined in.

“I tuck you in, warm within. Keep you free from sin, 'Til the sandman he comes” Benny smiled to Ketch.

“Sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight!” Ketch joined in.

Dean smiled as he joined everyone for the next part, “Exit light. Enter night. Take my hand. We're off to never-never land.”

As the rocket lifted off the force pushed them all back. Sam began yelling loudly. “Woooo! Hoooo!” he began.

Followed by Ketch, “Yippee Ki Yay Mother Fuckers!”

Dean closed his eyes, “Son of a BITCH!”

“Oh man brother this is just like a carnival ride!” Benny laughed.  

“My carnival rides weren’t like this!” Dean screamed. Sam was laughing. For the first time in awhile, he felt so carefree. He didn’t want it to be over.

*************

Mission Control

Houston, Texas

Bobby looked around mission control. They had arrived just before the crew was launched into space. John sat with (Y/n) and Jessica as Ashton sat on Jessica’s lap. They were watching the video feed from Cape Canaveral.

“I want audio and visual up! No excuses I want all eyes and ears on what is happening!” Bobby shouted out, “Move ya Idjits! We don’t have all day!” he said as the rocket launched. “We have five minutes before we take control!”

“Look at it go.” Jessica whispered. “I’ve been to launches before, but this is different…”

“What the hell is that noise?” John asked. “Is that...Metallica?”

“Dean!” (Y/n) laughed, “It calms him down when we fly.”

“Of course it does.” Jessica laughed. “That sounds like Dean.”

A few moments later, they hear the whooping and calls as they headed out of the atmosphere. They were all smiling as they heard Dean scream. Jessica covered Ashton’s ears.

(Y/n) placed her head in her hands, “Oh Dean, really?” she moaned as she laughed.

“I have the audio but where is my visual people! What are you Idjits doing? Picking your noses? MOVE IT!” Bobby bellowed as he began to try and fix the problem. “Freedom this is mission control, we have audio but no visual do you copy?”

Jo’s voice came over the communications system, “Mission control we copy loud and clear.”

“Freedom, you are going to head straight for the asteroid,” Bobby leaned on the com. “Just take it nice and easy, no side tricks Jo, copy?”

“Roger that! Mission control,” Jo gave the short reply.

Dean looked out through the front window, it was surreal. Space was vast. He was seeing more stars up where he was than he could down on the planet. He closed his eyes and looked to Sam.

“Man I wish (Y/n) could see this, It’s amazing.” He breathed.

“Yeah, I should have done it sooner.” Sam gave a soft chuckle. “I never thought I’d have the chance to actually do this.”

“You should give yourself more credit.” Dean told him. Sam shrugged.

“They told me I was more valuable on terra ferma.” He unbuckled himself to float around. “This is amazing.”

“Woah, woah! Sam what are you doing?” Dean freaked out.

“Floating.” Sam said. “You don’t have to stay buckled in the whole time.” He smiled as Benny joined him. “See. It’s fun.” The guys and Jo started floating around the cabin, except for Dean, who refused to get out of his seat. “Dean, come on.”

Dean looked to Sam, with a shaky hand he undid the seat belt. “I die, you promise to take care of (Y/n)? Right?” He gave his brother a serious look. Dean let go and allowed his body to float.

“You’re not gonna die. I won’t let you.” Sam smiled at him. “What do you think?”

“It’s weird… But I like it,” Dean gave him a soft smile, “I feel all floaty.”

“Welcome to space.” Jo laughed. “This is my third time.”

***********

Back in mission control, Bobby had everyone scrambling to try and get a video feed. He rubbed his forehead at his situation.

“Can anyone tell me why we can’t get god damn visual on them?” He shouted.

“What’s going on?” Jess asked, a little nervous. “I don’t remember this ever taking this long.”

“John, I’m getting worried here,” (Y/n) shook her head as she nibbled on the nail of her thumb. “I… I have a bad feeling about the boys… I can’t…” (Y/n)’s breathing became panicked. “I want to talk to Dean… I… I should have told him….”

“Okay, Bobby, let us know if anything happens.” John said. “Jess, (Y/n), come with me.”

John led (Y/n) and Jess to a small room next to mission control. He let the girls in first and closed the door behind him.

“Ok, everything is going to be fine,” John looked at (Y/n). “This stress is not good for the baby, (Y/n). just take cool calming breaths.” John began to take deep breaths hoping (Y/n) would follow.

And she did, soon calming down. Jessica rubbed her back, even though she was just as upset. She had really hurt Sam, thinking he was using her. She should’ve known better. Sam was too sweet of a guy.

“How are you feeling?” Jessica asked (Y/n).

(Y/n) shook her head as a strangles sob came out, “What if I never see him again?” she looked to John, “you were right, I should have told him.”

“He’s coming back. Everyone is.” John told her. “Because I will kick his ass if he doesn’t.” He hugged her. Jessica sat off to the side, feeling out of place.

“Come over here Jess,” John called her over. She went over to them, getting swept up in their hug. Ashton wiggled his way into the middle of it, laughing.

John let the girls go momentarily to pick up his grandson, “Hey little man, last time I saw you, you were just a tiny little thing.” John tickled him, “I’m your grandpa John, I’m your dad’s daddy.”

“Daddy has a daddy?” Ashton asked. “That’s cool!” He looked around. “Where is daddy?”

“Well Right now, he is with your Uncle Dean up in outer space,” John explained. “They are going to break apart a big rock that’s coming our way.”

“Is daddy Superman?” Ashton asked seriously, but it brought a smile to everyone’s faces.

“Oh yeah, and Uncle Dean is Batman,” (Y/n) chuckled with a smile to Ashton.

“Batman’s so cool!” Ashton said. He wiggled out of John’s arms to run around the room, pretending he could fly.

(Y/n) gave John a sad smile, “I don’t know what I would do if Dean didn’t come back.” she shook her head, “I’m sorry, my hormones are all over the place.”  

“You’re allowed to be emotional.” John said. (Y/n) looked over then as she heard Jessica start crying.

“I’m sorry guys.” She said, wiping her eyes. “Ignore me.”

“Hey,” John said gently, “Whatever happened between you and Sam, It’s ok.” John pulled her in for another hug.  “You married a Winchester, that boy over there who looks like my son.” He motioned his head to Ashton who was playing with cars. “He is a Winchester, you are a Winchester Jessica.” he held on to both women as they cried. “(Y/n) even before Dean gave you that ring… you are a Winchester. You two hear me?”

“Yes,” they both echoed as they allowed John to pull them in tighter. (Y/n) noticed that Jessica was wearing her wedding ring.

“Uh, hello?” Charlie said awkwardly from the doorway. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at her. “I just wanted to let you guys know that we got video of the shuttle. It’s not great though. But Bobby said you guys wanted to know…”

(Y/n) and Jessica ran back to the control room. John picked up Ashton and carried him. They could see inside the shuttle, watching as everyone floated around. Sam was picking on Dean by spinning him and Benny wasn’t doing anything to help him.

“Ok, boy’s time to buckle back up we need to land this thing,” Jo chuckled as Dean could be heard in the background.

“Sam when we get back to gravity I’m going to pummel you to the ground!” Dean groaned. “I hope (Y/n) punches you in the nads when we get back for that!”

“That’s if she can see us!” Sam teased.

The audio began cutting in and out. Much of the conversation began to get cut. Jessica covered Ashton’s ears as Dean began to curse loudly at the turbulence while they were landing. John rubbed (Y/n)’s and Jessica’s backs as they watch the shuttle shake and bounce. It wasn’t long before the shuttle landed perfectly. Everyone in Mission Control cheered, but Bobby held up his hands.

“Don’t celebrate yet,” He sighed. “We still have a long way to go.”

Forever Tags:  @anathewierdo @dekahg @marvel-af-imagines @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogarukes @xxwarhawk @sandlee44 @shatteredabby @caswinchester2000 @supernaturalwincestsblog @lauravic @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk @teller258316 @horrorpxnk

Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles Tags: @queenslandlover-93 @screechingartisancashbailiff @strab0 @maaryisafangirl @deathofmissjackson @hellabrothers @fandom-princess-forevermore @x-waywardaf-x @webcraft4eveh @deansgirl-1968 @2dead2function @jjjjjjjoshdun @stella20131991@luciathewinchestergirl @sheris532 @bobasheebaby @bella-ca @akshi8278

Supernatural Tags:  @bandobsession98 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @fangirlsencyclopaediaofweirdness @ilovetardis @missihart23 @cloudyskylines @flamencodiva @sams-serialkiller-fetish @theas-bedtime-stories @huntingfreewill @ocholove @princessofthefandomrealm

Armageddon Tags: @thefaithfulwriter

#Armageddon #dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #supernatural #jensen ackles #Jared Padalecki #fanfiction

[juliakwinto]

Babcia

from Patterns of Memory

I have two grandmothers. One smokes cigarettes and reads a lot of books. She has the biggest bookcase ever. It reaches all the way to the celling. My other grandma goes to church every Sunday, like Dad and I. She always smiles.

My two grandmothers live in two different places. I like visiting them. Babcia Halszka is my Mum’s mum and she lives in a big flat not very far from us. Babcia Janka, my Dad’s mum, lives far away in a small town. She lives with Grandpa Stach, who is not my real grandpa. Grandpa Marian died a long time ago, before the war. Babcia Janka remarried and now she lives in a big house next to the hospital where Grandpa Stach is the head doctor and director.

He wears a white coat and has a white moustache. In the mornings, he sits at the kitchen table and shaves with a cut-throat razor. I like to watch as he applies a white foam with a small brush, and then takes out the long razor and prepares it on the leather belt that hangs from the white chair. His movements are slow and precise. He doesn’t pay any attention to me. His face is always serious and I don’t ever dare to come close to him.

He comes back home after his morning rounds and brings fresh bread rolls for Babcia Janka. He kisses her on the forehead and calls her Sunshine and My Lovely. And then he leaves again to see his patients. Babcia smiles and makes us breakfast of porridge, fresh rolls and tea. Each day flows according to a set schedule of insulin shots, six meals, church visits, and Grandpa’s appearances. He checks regularly on her. Did you eat your lunch, Sweetie? How are you feeling today, My Dearest?

My other grandma, Babcia Halszka, is divorced and she lives alone with a greyish tabby cat named Little Kitty. The cat is a bit crazy and it bites people. It’s not little and it’s not a kitty but an old female who hates everyone but my Babcia. I’m terrified of her. I sit cross legged on a chair keeping my feet above the ground and away from Little Kitty’s sharp fangs.

After breakfast Babcia smokes and reads. She gives me a box of colour pencils and some paper to draw. The box is blue and when you open it, the wooden pencils appear in two rows. They are neatly sharpened with a knife: some shorter and some longer. Before I start drawing, I like to rearrange them according to colour. From white and yellow to the darkest black. I wish I could take the pencils home, but Babcia says they need to stay here so when I, or my cousin comes to visit we can both use them. That’s a pity. I don’t think Rafal even likes drawing that much.

Sometimes my two Grandmas come to visit us. Babcia Janka has to travel far so she stays with us and sleeps in the small bedroom. I like it when she comes. The three of us go to the church together. Mum stays at home so it is only Babcia, Dad and I that go. When she can’t come, she writes letters to me. She addresses the envelope to Miss Julia. I recognise her soft hand-writing straight away. She tells me about Grandpa, and about my uncle, my aunt, and my cousin. Her stories are full of small details which makes me miss her more. The description of flowers she picked up at the market, the cakes she is baking for Christmas and how my cousin Staś comes every day after school to visit and drinks an entire bottle of cold milk. I hate milk but I like reading Babcia’s letters.

Babcia Halszka sometimes comes over for Sunday dinner. She doesn’t go to church, like Mum. She arrives in a taxi and slowly climbs the stairs to the fourth floor where our dog Filip greets her with loud cries of adoration. He will not leave her side begging for attention, which she gives him willingly and in abundance. She sits down in the red arm chair and while catching her breath, she digs through her round handbag until she pulls out a small dark chocolate bar, which she hands to me. After dinner. She looks at me and asks for an ashtray. She is wearing red lipstick and a polka dot dress with round collar.

I run to the kitchen and I bring a small metal ashtray. She is sitting back in the armchair and the dog is trying to climb on her lap. The smoke is rising above her and then hovers where a large portrait hangs on the wall. That’s a painting of another Grandmother. Her name was Babcia Pajaczkowska, which means the ‘One of Little Spiders’. Nobody can explain why she was called that. There are no spiders in the painting. Wearing a red dress, she sits with hands on her lap and an elegant half smile. Her dark hair, styled neatly into a round bun, blends with the black background which surrounds her stiffly upright body. She is very pretty.

Babcia Pajaczkowska hangs proudly without a frame, looking at us from her past life. I wonder what kind of grandma she was. She lived a long time ago and nobody can tell me much about her, besides her strange name. Next to her, there is a portrait of Grandma Blue. She was my Dad’s Babcia. Her real name was different but she was called Babcia Niebieska because of her unusually blue eyes. Below her, there is small portrait painted by the husband of Grandma Blue’s sister. It’s a profile of a woman and I’m not sure if she is someone’s Babcia. They are all family from my Dad’s side.

Babcia Halszka’s house has more photographs than paintings. Many of them stand in neat rows on the shelf above Grandma’s bed. Her father, my great- father Otton, in a smart officer uniform, leads the collection of the family gallery. Faces in small and big wooden frames, are looking at me attentively. Grandma Maryna, Otton’s parents, Babcia’s brother Wacek, my Mum as a little girl with her sister. Black and white, and faded sepia portraits bring back stories which Babcia likes to tell me while lying on her bed and smoking.

I often ask about Jurek. He was Grandma’s youngest brother who got killed in the war. Next to the family photos, there are five old teddy bears that belonged to Jurek. They sit together from largest, the General, to the smallest, the Little Princess. They are not for playing. Only for looking.

Before the war, Jurek had a large collection of over sixty teddy bears and he created a Bear Country with its own government, laws and he even published his own newspaper. When Warsaw was under German attack, the house we lived in, was hit by a bomb which sliced the building in half. Our flat was on the second floor and it went from one side of the building, all around it, to the other side. A long hallway connected both sides. As children we used to ride our bicycles there. But after the bomb hit the building, there was a massive hole that destroyed the hallway and you couldn’t cross to the other part of the flat. Jurek’s room was separated and we couldn’t access it. All his bears were there. Grandma Maryna was the most distraught. It was after Jurek was killed and she couldn’t accept that his bears would be lost as well. Someone had to try to climb up the back staircase and rescue the bears. But it was easier said than done, as part of the back staircase was destroyed, too.

I try to imagine a building with a hole in the middle.

Who went up there? Uncle Wacek?

No, it was only us women. My brother, Wacek, was hiding somewhere in the forest with the resistance. So somehow Babcia Maryna and I climbed up there and managed to bring back five bears. We couldn’t carry more. Jurek’s room was partially burned, so that’s all we could rescue.

I look up at the shelf where they now sit. The General is dressed in a faded jacket and black trousers. His fur is very thin, in some places non-existent. Next to him, a large bear with one leg and one arm leans into another bear. That one misses both ears. The forth one is medium size. His stiff body is covered with a light fabric which has faded into different shades of grey. Last is the Little Princess, dressed in a blue skirt which clearly comes from some other doll. I wish I could dress her in something nicer. Her left leg is missing.

For now, I take care of Jurek’s bears. They are old and they keep me company. I’m old as well. But one day, they will be yours.

Ⓒ Kwinto 2021

[kitsuhe]

i wanna rant about my shitty grandparents (mostly grandfather for now) and how my parents didnt deserve any of this.

a side story of how my parents met: my mom was from China and worked in a cafe (with lodging) for years. she wanted to leave china because the marriage laws werent very good to women, they didnt have a lot of rights, and people can just get married and divorced on a whim, and so a marriage there would make her feel very insecure.

she saw loads of men with fancy motorcycles they probably borrowed flirting with the waitresses and getting them pregnant even though some of those men were married already. she saw loads of waitresses in and out of the job, and so she willed to never give in to the flirtations and worked at the cafe till she was around 26.

my father’s boss was in that area once in a while and frequented that cafe. he noticed my mom who always remained there and was like hey she seemed to be a nice woman and so he introduced her to his son, aka my fathers colleague.

according to my mom, the son was a wishy-washy man who couldnt make up his mind. they went for a few dates and things werent really clicking. my father, however, said ‘i want her’ when he saw her and so the choice was made, they started dating, and she went back to china for the time being. they then maintained a long distance relationship with phone calls, and one year later she came to singapore and got married. 

cute, right?

then the in-laws hell, aka my grandparents begun.

and now my father’s backstory, first:

he was the classic example of the scapegoat i think. out of his siblings (an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister), he was the one my grandparents hated the most. ‘hated’ isnt even an exaggeration, apparently hey did tell him explicitly that he was the one they hated the most. A+ parenting yall. when in school, while his siblings get 50cents and 30cents (in order of favouritism), he got 20cents or none. they didnt care about the education of their kids, and so my dad dropped out at P3 (9 years old) and the others all within primary school age. my aunt may have went further though, im not sure.

when he started working at 13, my grandma would wait at the door everytime he got his salary and took all of it away. i dont think he got to keep any of it. she gambled quite often and spent loads of money.

it was from these incredibly unfair xperiences on childhood that my dad swore he would treat and spoil his kids and not show favouritism.

my parents got married years later, and basically everyone in my extended family h a t e d my mom, despite it being entirely non-justified because my mom is a freaking wonderful woman who isnt afraid of hardwork. Because my mom came from china, im presuming that its some mixture of xenophobia and racism that made them say that my mom was only here to mooch off my dad, and treat her like shit, until they didnt as they finally opened their eyes.

over here, all men have to go through compulsory national serivce, and my dad was no exception. after serving the 2 years they have to go back periodically for reservist training. this is the background info for this incident im going to repeat from my mother.

after she got married over here, my dad still had to go for reservist training. they only had a limited amount of time to use the phone after one entire week. my mom called him, talked to him as his wife, before uncle2 (the younger brother) interruppted her and told her to stop using the phone. assuming that he had an emergency,  my mom quickly finished and hung up, my dad losing his rare few minutes to talk to his wife.

then uncle2 didnt use the phone.

god fucking damn it.

an example of unfair treatment: uncle1 had a different wife at that time. while my mom cooked entire meals for the family (they were living with my grandparents and uncle2 and probably aunt at that time) while being pregnant, when it came to be her birthday, my grandma didnt give her a red packet (gift of money). ‘im an old woman who hasnt worked for years, i have no money’.

then when it came to uncle1′s wife, who had never cooked any food and only got takeaways when she visited, she got a big shiny red packet from my grandma.

yeah, what the hell. my mom said she was very upset about this and cried. god, she was surrounded by people who hated her and yet she still worked so hard for them, she genuinely doesnt deserve this.

heres another thing about my grandma: apparently she gambled so often she oftently went to genting to gamble and the money all came from her kids. yeah. .

(my dads a chef, uncle1 is a mechanic, uncle2 is a part timer with no set jobs, and aunt is unknown.)

then i was born. my mom wasnt a citizen, and had to pay a lot of money to stay in the most expensive hospital word. the rare good thing my grandpa did was to fork out $2000 for her to have me. one day, if i can and he isnt dead yet, i will pay him back. ‘thats your coffin money’ i will say. ‘im not obligated to you anymore please leave my life forever’ i want to say.

looking back at the thick stack of photo albums, things appeared to be all happy and fun. people were smiling in the pictures, and i was showered in love and affection from everyone. it is only recently that i came to learn of the shit my parents went through under them.

i was also a lively and boisterous child who had no concept of day and night, it was almost enough to scare my parents into not having my siblings. nonetheless, my sister came into existence.

picture this: my dad looking all frazzled and tired as he took care of a wild toddler at the hospital without sleeping for 3 days straight, and my mom in labour, waiting to give birth. the nurse asked why wasnt anyone there to help out? 

my mom said that was the only time she had ever seen my dad cry. my sister, my mom, and i all teared up as she recounted this.

it was then they swore to move out and not to rely on anyone ever again. the house i am in now is paid entirely by my parents.

my sister was born, and eventually, they moved out before my brother was born.

when they moved out, my grandma shouted at them ‘dont come back! i hope you die!’

at one point, or perhaps distance made the heart grow fonder, my grandparents and uncles started to treat my mom very nicely, realising that they were utterly wrong to judge and treat her that way at the beginning. thats why they treat her so nicely now, my mom explained. it is also the reason why my grandma always brought kuehs and chocolate cake over when she visited, subsequently developing my dislike of chocolate cake and neutrality towards chocolate at best. at this point im pretty sure they all like my mom more than my dad.

my aunt learnt her lesson in the form of receiving discrimination and hatred she once showed to my mom upon being married to a family of university graduates, and her only graduating secondary school. she wasnt as well-educated, and so after sharing my moms pain of being the hated daughter in law she finally learnt empathy and started being nice.

my grandpa too was a convert. he came over everyday to help out with chores and to take care of us. perhaps when we were all young the help was truly needed back then, but then some events made everyone question his motives...

i remember him fetching me from kindergarten every day every time. i wondered why my dad never did, and was happy on the occasions he did. it is only years later that i learnt that my grandpa hogged all those times to fetch us (my siblings and i). he outright refused to let my parents especially my dad to fetch us. on the occasions that my dad came, he threw a tantrum and went home. my dad was visibly upset as he recount this to us. ‘it felt like he was keeping my kids away from me’ he said. he has taken so much from my dad, and now even his kids???? im so upset on his behalf??

it genuinely feels like hes controlling everyone around him.

he is still coming over every single day, and from what i can tell he is incredibly passive aggressive and can never be satisifed with my dad. i dread his arrival.

for example, he refuses to eat anything my dad cooked. my dad, a known chef. once my dad made a noodle dish for dinner, he told my dad oh i cant eat noodles for dinner.

cue him eating the noodles my mom cooked for dinner.

cue him getting noodles for takeaway for dinner.

these days whenever my dad cooks for dinner we just give him money for takeaway.

speaking of leaving that ungrateful old bastard money, he also takes issue with my dad for this somehow. my dad left a note saying that thats his dinner money on the table, and he felt that it was so disrespectful he went to my moms workplace which is near where he lives and complained to her.

meanwhile my mom did the exact same thing and he had zero complaints.

when my dad fell asleep in my brothers room with my brother in it, he walked in and deliberately talked at the top of his lungs about some trivial matter that never came up in the years of living here.

the creepy amount of adoration he shows my mom is also apparent in how he would follow my tired sweaty mom after shes home from work  everywhere to talk and yabber on about irrelevant things. she was obviously busy and wanted to be left alone, but hey that POS never cared about what anyone ever thought or wanted if its in conflict to what he wants. sometimes she had to close the door just to get him to leave her alone, and once he just opened the door and continued talking. my dad was enraged, he said he almost went to start a fight with him, and he would especially if my mom was in the midst of changing at the time.

once my dad brought him to the doctor. ‘so what did they say’ he would ask my dad repeatedly over and over again after seeing the doctor. ‘you are fine, and if anything happens the doctor will inform us to go to the hospital’.

he went to complain to my mom at her workplace that my dad was cursing at him to get in the hospital.

once he was nosey and opened up our mailbox, and when he found some letters addressed to my dad he slammed the pile of letters next to him on the sofa. wtf

god, its like no matter what my dad does he will NEVER be happy.

a while ago he lent his children money, and said oh its not lending hes giving them money with no strings attached, no interest at all. my dad took some for renovation, and this info will come into play later.

and so life continues on with his insistence to tidy and clean my house, with zero regards to anyones wishes. if someone so much as point out that he isnt doing something right, he would exaggerate his actions and ask and repeat.

heres the incident that triggered the Revelations:

my grandpa asked my sister if she still wanted a donut while holding it in his entire hand, as in his entire hand was clutched around the donut. visibly disgusted, my sister said no, she didnt want it. in an act of passive aggressiveness, he placed the donut and only the donut directly in the fridge. not on a plate no nothing.

my mom wrote him a note in response: my daughters are having national examinations soon, and my husband has to wake at 5am to go to work, and he doesnt have enough rest. it would be preferable if you do not make as much noise so they can study and rest properly. i am saying this here, it doesnt matter if you help with the chores or not, it is entirely up to you and we will not blame you if you choose to rest and watch tv instead. you will always have a meal and you dont need to worry about anything else. hope you can understand.

in response, he wrote back: i have read all your words, and there is no need to worry. from november, i will no longer be coming over. i want your husband to return me the renovation money. from: dumb dad (thats what he calls himself in notes)

first of fucking all: wow hes not even acknowledging that my dad is his son. second of all, hes using the money to control my parents and guilt them wtf

this incident got kinda big in the sense that my aunt got involved. my aunt, the golden child, called to stage an intervention.

she called my siblings and i privately, without my parents knowledge. she asked me:

‘are you aware that he has hearing issues and cannot tell that hes being loud?’

‘can you cope with his average noise level?’

‘is he actually disturbing you guys?’

of course i am aware. i am used to it. i am not sure why my mom wrote about the noisy part, could be the fact that he refused to let my dad rest. to which i answered:

‘yes i am aware, no he is not that noisy’

and in a nicer way, i told her ‘frankly the issue is his character, that he is a pos shit i cant stand and after knowing what he did to my parents especially my dad i dont want him in my life at all i dont want him to come over anyways’

‘how much would you say that its mostly his fault that there is conflict or is your dad making a big deal out of nothing?’

i bit my tongue and said its my grandpa 95% of the time. there are one or two occasions that i would say my dad is over reacting.

then she went on and on about how she has to balance both perspective and pick the best outcome, and there are two sides etc etc

what fucking two sides i wanted to ask. my parents literally did nothing wrong. he was the hand that clutched at the donut and squished it.

eventually, she yelled at him and to serious disappointment hes coming over again.

a little interlude about my aunt: she complained to my mom afterwards (im surrounded by snitches) that i am not very respectful about my grandpa, that i am lazy and didnt help around the house often (i tidied and cleaned my room frequently, and if my mom ask me to do chores i would. theres an agreement that i should just concentrate on my studies and she will take care of the chores). i stay in my room all the time and didnt come out when my relatives came over. (listen, theres nothing for me. my cousins are ur typical boys that i cant talk to, they hog the xbox and scream about fifa all the time, im not exactly interested in the adults conversations).

my mom defended me, yall. even my aunt has to concede that im a decent person.

and my mom told me she didnt actually agree with the way shes raising my cousins. they were told to never question my aunt and uncle, and their orders are orders. my parents didnt agree, they believed in reason. for everything they tell us to do, there is a legit reason behind it, and we can question them. my mom want us to do well so that she can prove that shes right all along.

my brother recall asking the cousins why my relatives didnt allow them to do certain things and they just shrugged.

well, thats a bet i am willing to participate in.

back to my grandpa.

my parents reasoning is that as compared to taking revenge and stop contacting him, they rather treat him decently no matter what, knowing deep down they has always did their best.

due to the way healthcare works here, my dad shouldered most of the hospital bill and healthcare when his parents were in the hospital. because #asianvalues, they never did thank him or appreciate him.

either my parents or my aunt said they are scared that if we do anything too drastic like refusing him to come here, he will go senile and demented. as he is now he has a clear enough mind to remain a dickbag to my dad.

well, i wasnt exactly close to him, or as close as he deluded himself to think. i wasnt exactly patient with him, in the sense that i kinda have to raise my voice to communicate with him pretty often. heres the complicated relationship between languages: he speaks mostly teochew, and some chinese. we are expected to understand him when he speaks chinese to get across something, but somehow when i speak my perfectly accurate chinese back at him he understands nothing. he will smile stupidly at me, nodding as if he understood.

you fake old man. you understood nothing. i dont want to bother. i am mean for saying this. i hate your pretenses. quit acting like you understand.the conversations between us are fruitless and useless and has zero point. just now, you saying while im eating dinner that ‘you should give me 50 dollars. look at me, i have nothing. ahahahahaha’

i ignored him, as my cold shoulders got colder.

‘your mother did give me $120, i actually have money. what a good girl’

just, what the fuck is he on about. why are you even asking me for money when you have it. this is the exact type of inane pointless conversations you have. i dont even want to dignify that with a response.

he went to my sister, 3 meters away from me, and said the exact same thing.

my sister: [turning her pockets inside out] i have no money

him, repeating what he said , and adding on ‘you are a good girl, your sister is bad, she didnt want to give me money’ 

what the fuck. hes still talking to us like we are 5. he always treat us like were 5. once i facepalmed and he told me not to do that i will give myself brain damage. i proceed to whack my forehead 4 times, each whack resounding loud and clear.

god, i really dont want to interact with him. theres guilt niggling at me that i shouldnt treat him like this, pretending he doesnt exist as much as possible. then i remember what he did to my dad, and also kinda my mom, and something in me says ‘he doesnt deserve a relationship with his grandchildren for treating his own son like this’.

god, how do i get him to understand that i dont want anything to do with him? that i hate him? i stop calling him ‘grandpa’, only referring to him as that. i dont greet him when he come over anymore.

a few days? weeks? ago he said as he walked out of my room: ‘i still love you the most.’

thats the problem aint it? favouritism. and we all know you favour my brother the most, which i dont mind. i want you to stop doting on me, i want you to pretend i dont exist too. not in the way where you blatantly talk and criticise someone to somebody in front of the person you are criticising. 

when is karma ever coming for you?

nothing but you mattered to you, you dipshit. you never cared about how others may feel. you always did things your own way, you treat people whatever the hell you want to.

i visited you in the hospital after the operation on your balls, you were so happy afterwards you gave me a $50. i still wish i hadnt visited, you disgusting person. i wish i can give you the $50 back, but i think, ill keep it. i will treat it as a woeful attempt to ‘reward’ me for my love and affections. i will keep the money knowing that your love is not returned. cruel of me, but so were you.

i dont think there will ever be a resolution. i wont cry at your funeral, i will try not to. i did for my grandma, but that was before i knew the truth.

my mom told me it is undeniable that my relatives all doted and loved me. i want to reject your love. i want the right to not be loved.

#peoplenal #welp that was McDepressing i want out #potential emotional abuse? #god i kinda teared up #im perfectly fine with people not reading this #its genuinely the longest thing ive ever written wtf it clocked at 3.6k words #lmao if i mentioned any of the bitcheatingcrackers things he do my friends be like your grandpa is weird #i had to take breaks to look a pictures of cats #sorry peanut you didnt deserve the tears