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ssahotstuff · 2 years

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Aaron Hotchner x Camgirl (Plastic Doll) PART 20

Part 19 is here

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Word count: 6.9k

Warnings: makeup smut! ☺️ talks of addiction, alcohol use, cursing. I think that’s it. Oh. Size kink ☺️

You hadn't expected him to be so eager to meet you at your house after. He was already in the driveway, five minutes early but somehow right on time. You'd been truly thrilled the entire ride home, shuffle playing in to your stellar mood, because you couldn't think of a more appropriate song to start the night with.

"Sugarpie honeybunch

You know that I'm weak for you

I can't help myself

I love you and nobody else"

You turned the music down before cruising through your neighborhood and that's when you'd spotted his car, him leaned against it admiring your home. You pulled in the archway behind him, gathering your things. He was already at your door so he could open it for you.

"How'd things go?"

"We went so far over our projected sales. The amount of reservations I made for people tonight was insane. We'll be booked half the summer." You stepped out, letting him help you of course. Now that you had his attention again, you weren't ashamed to admit how much you'd missed it. And him. Jesus, he hadn't aged a day. He looked young and carefree and so sleek in his black slacks and matching black dress shirt. You were crazy for him in all black and part of you thought he'd planned it for the evening.

"I love hearing you like this. You sound so happy."

The truth was, you were. You always found a way to be happy. After you left him at the hotel in New York, you went back to the house and decided you were turning it into your future. It wasn't until Dave showed up with some clues about your past that you decided what you wanted to do.

"There's a reason channel 54 brings you so much joy, and it's not just the cooking."

When you met him, you had no idea, not until you saw the way his eyes crinkled up just like yours when he laughed, or how his own laughter sounded eerily similar to yours. You didn't piece everything together until later that evening when Dave called to ask if you were okay.

"He didn't even know who I was."

"He did. But sometimes what's already known doesn't need to be explained. You made it this far without him. You can go even longer."

"Sorry to have you out so late," it was almost 11 pm, and he preferred to be at home when it got dark. You knew being up and out this late wasn't the norm for him but you appreciated his efforts to see you regardless. He hadn't pried or pushed when you left. He knew if things were ever going to be talked about, they'd be on your terms.

"I don't mind at all."

His sincerity and overall joy to be seeing you was more than you had bargained for. You had prepared for this conversation for a long time but now anything you had planned to say seemed irrelevant. You only cared about who he was now, and what the reality of things had done to him as a person. You wanted to know if he'd moved on, secretly. But by the looks of things, moving on was the last thing on his mind.

"Let me show you where I spend all of my time."

✨✨✨

It was a big change from her little 4 foot balcony from when we were neighbors. It was a covered porch, so she'd stay dry and could watch the stars or weather no matter what the condition. It was very much her style, with pink beanbags and giant comfy pillows everywhere. Her fuzzy pink rug was on the concrete floor, and her stereo was in the corner. Twinkling pink lights hung from beam to beam, giving the place a glow that radiated her entire personality. We were on her loveseat on the wall, watching the rain that had just decided to come in. It was light, still a sprinkle for now, but the weatherman had predicted storms for the next few hours.

"I feel like it should be implied, but I can't stop thinking about how proud I am of you."

The pink lights couldn't hide the color to her cheeks, and the way her body turned slightly towards me. Every inch felt like miles, slowly closing the gap between us until I could feel whole again. I knew it would take time. I could wait a little while longer if that's what she needed.

"Thank you, Aaron. It feels right. I'm really happy with what I'm doing."

"This is a lot to take in," I admitted, and she nodded in agreement.

"Do you want a drink?"

"Coffee, maybe, if you have it."

She rolled her eyes playfully and led me to the massive kitchen. Same pink coffee maker, same pink coffee cups, she may have left, but she was still exactly the same as I remembered her. She made us both a cup of coffee and I let her show me around. Most of the rooms were still empty, but she had a plan for everything. I had planned on staying as late as she'd allow me, if she didn't want me to leave, that was okay too. I felt pathetic in a sense, dangling by an invisible string that was attached to her affection. I didn't care how I looked or seemed to anyone but her.

"Can I apologize? Would you listen if I did?"

She stopped in her tracks, turning around to look at me. We were nearly on the porch again, stood beneath the threshold of the door.

"You don't have to apologize. I'm actually sorry for making you feel like you had to keep who you were a secret. I understand why you did it, especially after I told you about William. But I need you to know that I would have loved you either way. I was just really confused, and I was angry with you. I don't even know if it was anger. I was just sad that you loved me but put me through hell."

Looking back now, if I would have just told her the truth in the beginning, we could have still been together. For how long, I wouldn't know. A year ago, I still wasn't as ready as I should've been to be committed to someone. But after much needed therapy and time to get my emotions in order, I'd done some changing and I was ready to be what she needed from me all along.

"You leaving helped me to realize I needed help that no one but a professional could give me. I needed it long before I met you, but I wasn't ready to admit it then. It took me losing you to realize I had a lot of things I needed to work on before I tried to be with someone seriously."

She looked like she wanted to ask a million questions, but she just nodded, leading me to the loveseat and trying her best to get comfortable in her dress.

"I'm glad you did that. It's good to have someone to talk to. I did the same thing. I had a lot of growing up to do," she said finally, patting her lap as if to turn the conversation into a more upbeat direction.

"What have you been doing? Fill me in," she was smiling behind her coffee mug, listening intently as I rehashed some of the things I'd been working on. I'd started cataloging and formatting some of my cases into books, planning to publish them for research at the Academy, so I told her about that, and helping coach Jack's soccer team for the summer. She seemed to like the idea of me doing things like that with Jack. She always thought it was important that I was a good father. I had forgotten what a good listener she was. She was interested in everything I had to say, no matter how mundane or bleak the details were.

"I'm glad we can do this and it just feels normal. I... I'm sad that I lost you as my best friend. We did everything together and I told you everything and I miss that. I had no clue how much until now."

I offered her my hand and there was no hesitation when she took it. She gave it a sweet, gentle squeeze as we sat in comfortable silence. The fact that we were able to sit here together casually after everything we'd been through and there wasn't any tension or awkwardness. We had battled our demons and won, and now we were different people. Different people with the same strong, soul-tying feelings.

"I'm here now if you still need a best friend," I whispered, tightening my grip on her hand. I didn't want her to let go.

"Ditto."

Shortly after we fell into conversation about how she'd ended her channel. She auctioned off all of her props and costumes and stashed the money away while she went to school.

"Do you ever miss it?"

She shrugged, letting herself get a little more comfortable next to me. She was right at my side now, letting me drape my arm over her shoulder and rest on the sleeve of her dress. It was innocent, mostly.

"I miss the way it made me feel. I miss the ego boost and the confidence that came with it. I still filmed for a bit after I quit, just out of habit. It just made me feel really good about myself, and that's a high that I haven't found since," she chuckled, bravely bringing her hand to rest on my thigh. She checked my face immediately after to make sure she hadn't crossed any boundaries. I sat my coffee cup on the table so I could cover my hand with hers, just barely brushing her skin with my fingertips.

"Do you need an ego boost? Because I can certainly help with that," she could have me right back on my knees for her in seconds; it wouldn't take much. As if she read my mind, her lips barely brushed the sensitive skin of my neck, instantly lighting me on fire.

"I may just take you up on that offer," she purred, her nails dragging lightly against my palm. I was a sucker for her nails anywhere she'd use them on me.

"I want you to know I haven't... There hasn't been anyone else," there never would be, not as long as she and I could exist in the same universe.

"Same goes for me. I just don't think it was the right time for us then," she looked up at me through her lashes, waiting for me to agree with her.

"Doesn't mean we can't try again."

It was her turn to nod, nails using just a bit more pressure on my skin. I couldn't wait to be underneath her again.

"Can I come closer?" It came out in a whisper, and I patted my lap in response.

"You can come as close as you want, sugar." I couldn't hide my excitement as she climbed into my lap, pulling her dress up to expose her thighs so she could straddle me comfortably. I wasn't sure what to do, so I let my hands rest on her hips, gently pulling her forward to my chest. She let her head fall to the crook of my neck, kissing me delicately, as if it were the very first time. She would drag her lips across my skin, making goosebumps appear on my flesh in no time. Once I felt her tongue lazily tracing my jaw, smothering me with affection until her lips were hovering on top of mine, I was bucking my hips into her, groaning at her satiny figure against my tense, needy body.

She rolled her hips against mine before our mouths met, a years worth of longing behind that first kiss. It felt like being right at home, exactly where I was meant to be.

"Taste so good," I planned to shower her with compliments every opportunity that I got. She replied by swirling her tongue against mine, insatiable as we both craved more.

"Help me with my dress," she pleaded, standing up abruptly and turning around so I could make quick work of her zipper. She had on a matching baby blue set that fit her perfectly, heels still on her feet as her dress fell to the floor. Her body was somehow the same but better than I'd remembered, her absense causing me to appreciate her more now than I ever had. Her heels put me at eye level with her sex, so I leaned forward and pressed a pattern of kisses above her panty line, peering up at her as she shivered.

"I missed you," she breathed, weaving her fingers in my hair. I gripped her ass harshly, bringing her forward so her pussy could feel the heat of my mouth, salivating at the thought of slipping my tongue through her.

"I missed you, sugar. Can I show you how much? I'd love to take these off," I hooked my fingers in the waistband, letting them fall down her calves as I admired her.

"I'm going to lay you down right here against the cushions, get you comfortable," I did as promised, letting her situate into the corner of the sofa. I toyed with the straps on her heels before undoing them completely and letting them land on the floor. I unbuttoned my shirt, making a spectacle of removing the cuff links she'd gotten me forever ago and placing them on the table behind me. The smile she wore told me all I needed to know as I reached forward to remove her bra. Being able to have her partially outdoors and completely naked was a new experience, one I'd waited a long time to be able to do safely.

"You're a work of art," her nipples were stiff under my tender touch as I toyed with them, letting my hands roam her body.

"I really want this to work," she panted, eyes wide as I used my fingers to spread her open where she wanted me most. I tapped at her clit with my fingertip, earning a hiss in response. She was already making a mess on the blanket spread beneath the loveseat, months of deprivation making her weak for me.

"Me too," I pressed my thumb to her clit and watched in sheer ecstasy as she writhed beneath me, a string of profanities falling from her puffy, pink lips. A tiny increase in pressure had her hips bucking off the sofa and her sweet whimpers getting lost in the night air.

"So needy for me. You smell so sweet, sugar. You taste even better. I could never forget how you taste," I latched my tongue around her throbbing bundle of nerves, letting myself celebrate having her back in the most erotic way. An extremely slow, delicate swipe of my tongue made her arch her back and beg me to do it again. Once more and she let herself come back to me completely, moaning my name as she shook.

"Will you use your fingers too? I need you so bad, Aaron," she sounded desperate, staring down at me.

"Anything you want, sweet girl. All you have to do is ask."

✨✨✨

You were experiencing the most sensual form of euphoria: Aaron's face nestled between your legs. His chin was resting on your thigh as his fingers kept your swollen lips spread open. The lines between his actions being for your enjoyment or his own blurred more with every loving swipe of his tongue against your most sensitive spot, followed by the gentle flick of his finger. He was in a trance, exploring new ways to touch you, experimenting with you purely for the knowledge of pleasuring you. You knew even if you wanted someone else that no one would've compared to the man on his knees, exploring every inch of your glistening pussy like he was going to be quizzed on making you orgasm in the future.

"I missed how sensitive you get, look at you, clenching around my fingers and I'm not even using them," he kissed your clit and had your legs shaking, and your eyes rolling back until you saw spots. His fingers began to pump in and out of you, slowly at first as he just watched your reaction, and as soon as your chest began to heave and your breathing became shallow, his lips latched around your clit and his tongue flicked mercilessly at you, bringing you to a new high as you brought your hands to the back of his head. His rhythm was slow and steady as his fingers got slicker, slipping into you with ease and his mouth working to lap up every drop of your arousal. His pupils were blown out completely, his hair a disheveled mess on his head.

"Love it when you go slow like that," you murmured, lost on a roller coaster of pleasure that seemed to have nothing in store but crescendos. Just when you thought surely he would want you to help him satisfy the growing bulge in his pants, his tongue found a new pattern to trace on your clit, or his fingers would work in synchronization with his tongue and bring you over the edge in an embarrassingly short amount of time and he'd be so proud of himself that he had to try again. He was obsessed with you, there was no other way to describe it.

"I know you do, gorgeous. You have the most perfect pussy. You could keep me up all night if you let me stay right here, just like this," his words were melodic, like poetry, sweet erotic words meant to make you his in the most primal, possessive way.

"You always know exactly what to say," you praised, earning a low chuckle from him in response. He was so sexy, so confident. He went above and beyond to make sure he knew every way you enjoyed being touched, which made every experience with him a unique one.

"I just missed you so much. I hope you'll have me back for good." He didn't give you a chance to respond before he was making you cum again, fucking you with his fingers curled up inside of you and his tongue disappearing between your folds.

"I'd really like that. I was thinking, fuck, yes, just like that, please, maybe we could go on a date this weekend," his own moan rippled through you and made the butterflies erupt in your stomach. It was a sexy thing to witness: a man who received so much pleasure from using his mouth on you. You doubted he would be like this with anyone else; the look of bliss on his face and the lengths he went to in order to satisfy you were especially for you, and that was incredibly obvious.

"I'll take you anywhere you want to go," he assured you, and you believed him. The way he looked now, blinded by his infatuation for you, there wasn't a doubt in your mind that he'd do anything you asked. You wanted to scold yourself for falling for him so easily, technically a third time, but you'd been alone and without him for far too long. It didn't seem fair to deprive yourself of who you truly wanted, not now that you'd been able to accomplish everything else.

"Will you take me to the bed?"

He was already scooping you up, letting you taste yourself on his lips as his kisses overpowered you. You were hooked already, your nails scratching at his back, making him moan into your mouth. He rutted his hips against you for any sort of friction, groaning at the idea of feeling you again after so long. You felt it too; in fact, if there was more room to spread out and take all of him comfortably from here, you wouldn't wait. He opted to carry you, so you gave him directions, giggling the whole time.

"I've missed that sound so much," he paused to pin you against the wall, his hands hooked under your knees and your back flat against the wall. You reached between your bodies and unclamped his belt, unbuttoning his slacks and letting them crumple in a pile at his feet.

"I can't wait," you told him, knowing he would never be able to say no to fucking you against the wall. He held you up with ease, his frame so much larger than yours. It was one of the most attractive things about him; he was huge in comparison to you. In fact, the first day you'd seen him in the park, you'd fantasized about this exact scenario: him fucking you against the wall.

"Impatient. Let me take care of you. If you'll hold onto my shoulders, I'll just fuck you right here," getting his boxers shoved down was tricky but once his dick sprang free, he was lining himself up with you, meeting your eyes to make absolutely certain you were sure you wanted him.

"Please don't make me beg."

Just like that, he found a home in you, reminding you just how much you missed the feeling of him situating inside of you. He released a shaky breath before he slid out of you completely, pounding into you before you could whine at the loss of contact. Your nails marked up his shoulders as he found his pace, steady, rough. Everything about this was possessive; he was reclaiming you, and letting you do the same to him. Your only thoughts were each other as the frames on the wall rattled and shook, but they hadn't fallen yet. He had no plans on slowing down, he simply fixed his stance and situated his knee under you so he didn't lose his footing.

"So tight, sugar. You take my cock so well. Have you missed me?" Truthfully you weren't sure how you'd lived without him now that he was satisfying you in the best way possible, his free hand rooted in your hair and the sound of his hips meeting your flesh was echoing in the hallway and bouncing off the walls. You'd been waiting for the day that the universe brought you back together again, and here he was, giving you heart shaped eyes as you clenched around him and screamed his name.

"Such a good girl," he'd fulfilled his promise of an ego boost, he'd gone above and beyond. You felt more at home behind the walls of your home with him finishing inside of you with a shudder than you had in the three months prior. You prayed he'd follow you to your room and hold you after the experience you'd just had. He slowly helped you to your feet, kissing you before stretching his arms out. He pulled up his boxers and kicked his pants off the rest of the way, wasting no time in scooping you right back up and carrying you towards the direction of your room.

"You'll stay, right?" He laid you on the bed, crawling in after you, the bedside lamp the only thing lighting the room. He was already tugging the blanket over your bodies. Silly question.

"I'm staying. You think I'd miss a sunrise with you after being away from you for a year?" The smile you wore was a clear indication of how the future was looking as you curled into him for the night, him already halfway asleep with his arm tossed lazily over you waist.

✨✨✨

It was still dark when I smelled her brewing coffee, so I wandered downstairs, wrapped in her sheet still. It was early May but it was still chilly for early morning. I made a cup of coffee and knew where to find her, curled up on the loveseat and waiting for me.

"Good morning, sugar."

She patted the empty space next to her so I wrapped us both in the sheet, watching in awe as lightning crashed in the distance.

"I'm surprised you didn't wake me."

"This is a quiet storm. The rain will come later. We're only open for dinner shift this weekend, if you don't have plans today." She leaned into me and I took a deep breath of her; faded hints of peony and earth, she smelled like the most beautiful parts of the outdoors. She smelled like a beautiful garden, waiting for someone to come along and admire her ethereal beauty.

"Great, we can make breakfast together and watch a movie. If it isn't raining too bad, we'll go out for lunch."

She made a satisfied hum of approval before she pecked my cheek, lost in thought as she watched the light show around us.

"It's like no time has passed. This feels so right, Aaron. I can't ignore how normal this feels."

"I'm really grateful that you were willing to give us a second chance," words would never be able to convey how grateful. I'd been a real downer without her, and everyone suffered because of it. The only person I masked it around was Jack; everyone else got the regular, sullen Hotch.

"We're both really different now. Hopefully this time around, no one gets hurt."

There would be no sunrise, not with the rainy weather. Instead, there were quiet cuddles, soft sips of coffee as the rain pattered against the roof.

"Did you think about me?"

My question seemed to surprise her, but I was curious. I needed to hear that she'd missed me as much as I'd missed her.

"I looked for you everywhere. But I made a deal with the universe that I wouldn't come searching for you. That if we were going to come back together, it would be when we were ready."

"Serendipity," I said finally, and she laughed lightly, taking my hand.

"I got everything I could ever want and it wasn't enough because I was still missing you," she sighed, resting her head against my shoulder. She'd never have to battle another stormy day alone again. Now that there were no secrets between us, there was nothing stopping us from having a happy life together.

"I'm here now, sugar. I still have your stuff at my place. Both of our lists are in my office still," it was the last bit of her I had sexually; I looked at her list all the time. Every fantasy she'd been willing to give me was a good enough reminder for me that she'd be back one day, and I shouldn't throw it out. So it stayed in its original spot, under the calendar in my office.

"You kept them?! We may have to add to them now," she chuckled, using my side as an escape from the storm outside. It had gotten humid, the sheet clinging to both of us as the sky lightened just a fraction. No amount of time with her would ever seem like enough after a year of separation. I'd constantly be trying to make up for lost time.

"Whatcha thinking?" She was gazing up at me, trying to read my emotions, trying to see what kind of headspace I was in without prying too much.

"I'm just sorry we lost a whole year." I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her in closer, as if it would keep her around for longer if I just didn't let go.

"Don't look at it like that. We took a year to figure things out. Our relationship before was based on a lie. Maybe not directly, but now there's nothing but truth. Just don't keep secrets from me again."

She was so understanding, it made me regret so many things. If we would have just talked...

She didn't give me time to ponder my mistakes further. She was pulling me towards the kitchen, and the memories of the last day I got to spend with her flooded back in a flash. The day she left, it hadn't truly sank in. It wasn't until the next day when I stepped onto the balcony and saw that all of her stuff was gone that I realized how badly I'd fucked up.

"Dave, she's moved already," I was frantic, my spare key no longer turning the knob and unlocking her door. That's when it hit me; it wasn't her door anymore.

"I promised her I'd stay neutral. I also promised not to try to convince her to talk to you. She'll talk when she's ready, and things will be fine."

I ran my hand through my hair, tears streaming down my face. How'd I miss her come in and leave so suddenly? I'd taken the day off work just to make sure I didn't miss her coming in. I had to explain myself. There was nothing I could've done after we arrested Watts to get her to stick around. She was gone before the sun came up, waving goodbye after writing her witness statement.

"I'm not asking you to convince her of anything. I don't even know why I called."

"Because you're heartbroken, and you need a friend. I'm here for you, Hotch. But I'm here for her too. I know both sides of the story, and they're bad. Im going to tell you the same thing I told her, if you're meant to be together, it's not right now."

I hated how illogical waiting for destiny to happen was. I hated that she lived a fortune cookie, coin-toss life that I was no longer a part of. She'd be fine waiting for whatever was meant to be, because that's how she'd spent her entire adult life.

I was already struggling, and it was obvious when I ended my conversation with Dave and began drinking before ten AM. I turned my radio as loud as it would go to her favorite station and listened to all of her favorite music for the duration of the day. I let myself cry, and feel sorry for myself for most of the day. I started to feel a tiny bit better until the storms started, and the power went out.

I wondered where she was and what she was singing to distract herself. I knew she was probably terrified and I felt like shit because the one person in my life I wanted to protect, only needed to be protected from me. In the end, she was safer with the storms.

A month later and I felt no different. I quit drinking profusely, but only because my health was suffering. I was losing weight, wasn't keeping anything down but alcohol. I was running late to work more mornings than not, until finally Strauss suggested that I just work from home. I didn't know how to explain to her that being trapped in my apartment all day was somehow worse than being in the office. The new neighbor was quiet. She was friendly enough, knocking on the door and politely introducing herself when she started to move her things in. Beth, that was her name. She'd told me when she introduced herself. We were about the same age. In any other circumstances, I would have flirted with her to ease some of the pain I was feeling.

Instead, I opted to hate a total stranger because she lived in an apartment that would only ever belong to one woman, at least to me. Anyone else who lived there was simply borrowing it until she decided to come back.

I'd known her for all of those months and never introduced her to Jack. I never even offered. It was for the best, so he didn't have to miss her too. Jessica noticed my change in behavior and offered to step up with Jack until I could recover. I was thankful for that.

Three months in, Reid was at my door. His concern stemmed past the relationship, towards deeper waters that I was uneasy about at first. It wasn't until he opened up to me about his struggle with addiction, and the warning signs that something is consuming your life that I realized I had a problem with alcohol. It had started to become unmanageable, and if I didn't pull myself out of my slump, everyone would suffer.

"Wanting to escape isn't uncommon. But there's a healthy way to do it," he assured me, sitting down with me at the kitchen table. I explained what had happened in detail, and it was a relief to get it all out to someone who would be objective no matter what.

"She didn't actually say the words, 'we're breaking up' but I'm pretty sure he moving away implies that we're broken up," I sniffled, sipping my coffee. My hands wouldn't stop shaking, despite the warm weather, my entire body was chilled.

"Hotch, she really doesn't sound like your type. The whole serendipity belief system doesn't really go with your logical personality."

"You don't understand. She's everyone's type. And I decided all I can do is wait."

He shrugged, tapping his finger against his coffee cup. He was holding back for my sake. What he really wanted to tell me was that she'd move on far quicker than I would, and I'd be left wondering until I saw her out, and got closure for myself. The wait was going to be torture.

"Would you really wait for someone to come back? What if it takes—"

"I don't care how long it takes, Spencer. Unless she tells me otherwise, I'm hers. I don't want anyone else."

That night, I was having coffee on the balcony when Beth made her reappearance. She walked to the railing, coughing lightly as if I should say something. She wanted an apology for my being rude earlier in the week.

"Are you always this friendly?" She asked with a chuckle, reaching out to tap my shoulder. I backed away before she could touch me, turning toward her to get a better look. She wasn't unattractive, in fact, she was exactly my type. Composed, light-hearted, professional to an extent. But I had no interest in being friendly with the new neighbor.

"I'm sorry about our rude first encounter. I'm Hotch, but I'm not exactly up for company."

"Well, Hotch, maybe I could change your mind?"

I rolled my eyes, turning towards the door.

"I'm not the one, Beth. Goodnight."

It got a little easier after that. We avoided each other mostly, but occasionally she'd try to make small talk just to be polite if we were in the hall or stuck in the elevator together, but my replies would be short and as formal as possible. The lack of affection from anyone was making it harder to ignore the woman who obviously wanted my attention.

But I continued to do it, despite not knowing if she was out there ignoring other men too. No one would tell me if she had anyone new or not.

Six months in, I was desperate, tired. I almost caved when Beth slid an invitation to a dinner party under my door one night, but instead, I slid it right back under hers so she'd get the hint that I didn't want to be bothered by her. It was a constant battle, caving to the woman next door or waiting for who I really wanted. When I finally decided to step through the doors of a Therapist's office, and brought the idea to his attention, he assured me anyone I could get with now would just be a placeholder if I hadn't truly moved on.

He recommending staying single until I got the closure that I needed. He also recommended not to rush in if she came back, but it would be impossible. How would I ever resist her after being parted for so long, especially if she was willing to have me back?

"Aaron, you're letting the pancakes burn," her giggles broke through my thoughts, bringing me back to reality. I'd almost forgotten we were even making breakfast in the first place.

"Sorry, sugar. Got distracted."

Her arms made a home around my waist as she squeezed me tight from behind. She could sense that even though things seemed fine, and we were back together, things still weren't 100%.

"If you need more time—" I cut her off; I'd had more than enough time alone. It was just so surreal that things fell so easily back into place. I wasn't as trusting of the universe as she was.

"It's not that. I just hope we're making the right decision by getting back together."

I felt her arms drop from my sides and I turned around abruptly, hoping I hadn't already screwed up.

"If you have any doubt whatsoever, you should go."

Go? That was the last thing on Earth that I wanted to do, but I had to be smart. I had to be careful, so I didn't wind up alone again.

"It's not doubt. It was just much faster than I expected things to go."

"Then we can slow down. We'll do breakfast and save the date for another time."

She came to take over at the stove, so I took her seat at the bar, watching as she floated effortlessly around the kitchen. By the time she'd finished, she hadn't said a word. She let her music play and the rain pour down outside, but she'd stayed as quiet as a mouse. She sat a plate in front of me and was joining me shortly after.

"I didn't mean to make you upset."

She shook her head, picking at her food. She didn't even seem upset. She seemed devastated.

"I thought— I don't know what I thought. That we'd just be able to pick up where we left off, and things would be fine, but if any part of you doesn't want to do this again, you should let me know now so I can distance myself. Because you know how I am. I'll dive right back in with no hesitation."

"I know that. I do want this, trust me. I just need a little time to process is all. You're back, and that's a big change from how I've spent my days for the last year."

She nodded, pushing her plate away. Her mood had changed drastically, but she still seemed okay.

"Want to call me tonight?"

I didn't even have her new number, but mine hadn't changed.

"Yeah, I'll call when I get home from the restaurant."

I thanked her for breakfast and kissed her goodbye and made my way to my car, trying to shield myself partly from the rain. I was halfway home when it dawned on me that I'd left her in the middle of a storm with no way of even calling to check if she was okay. I'd been so worried about clearing my head and making sense of the sudden 180 my life had taken. She was right, she was much better at going with the flow than I was. I had to go home and mentally calculate everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours, but she would act as if it were just another Saturday we were spending together.

I was turning around, making a U-turn in the middle of the highway.

Taglist: @rousethemouse @realdirectionx @obsessed-oops @extra-trash77

#aaron hotchner #criminal minds #hotch #ssa hotchner #ssa aaron hotchner #sugar daddy hotch #hotch x camgirl #camgirl reader

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loumauve · 4 years

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in other news.. tomorrow may be my last day of therapy for a while, unless I misunderstood what she was saying, and I’m lowkey terrified

#we got through a lot. and a lot of work went into the past two or so years. a lot of processing and change and understanding #but I've been feeling like I'm stuck in hell again between a rock and a hard place unable to move #and idk how to cope with that if I'm gonna be on my own with it again #it's just.. a bit much #I've gotten so used to knowing that I'll have sb to talk to when shit gets rough #sb who will tell me I'm valid. and that I deserve better. and that I've done better than I let myself believe #and idk. idk how I'm supposed to just move along without that #I still don't know how to ask for help. I still have all this anxiety. we never worked on that bc I was doing better #but now it's all come back and I still don't really have coping strategies that work consistently #all I have is age old dissociating and numbness which fucks me up long term and all the other shit like perfectionism I can't let go #I don't know how to deal with this on my own. I barely knew with her help but now that's gonna be gone so..#guess it's just me. on my own. again #stuck in this nightmare situation at work trying not to cry bc I'm supposed to have finished with driver's ed by now #when all I can think abt is how I can't memorize shit at all and there's more than a thousand questions on that exam #and driving still makes me worry about everything bc I'm scared to death of ruining sb's life if I fuck up #I just.. I don't want to. and I can't. but I have to and idk how to cope #and idk how to quit my job bc I'm afraid that I'll suck at everything else #she'd ask me sometimes where I saw myself in the future and the truth is I still don't know. I don't have goals #all I have is fear that's telling me what to run from. and anxiety and those gd voices in my head telling me that I'll be a failure if I do #feels like any progress I've made is just gone now. the only thing I still have going for me is fucking medication #and even that is struggling to keep me afloat #idk. I'm just so tired #a day in the life of..

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wastelandcth · 3 years

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Better Love - cth

part three: the longing

summary: Calum and Maeve get to know one another, in more ways than one.

author’s notes: I’m nervous about this one. Enjoy!

warnings: mentions of drinking, mentions of food, oh and smut.

masterlist || request || join my taglist!

part one || part two

I confessed the longing I was dreaming of Some better love, but there's no better love Beckons above me and there's no better love That ever has loved me, there's no better love

In her dreams, Maeve always saw a future that made her warm. She saw hills of green and trees that swayed with the wind. She'd always go there, sometimes it'd be a few weeks before she'd show back up in her dreamland, but it was always the same place, a house surrounded in green and blue. She'd felt someone's presence, never enough to see them or recognize who they were, but she knew she wasn't alone in her dreams. She felt safe there with the strange presence, felt the warmth of them and the love they had for her. When she was young, she had thought it was her parents, but as time went on and Maeve's dreams stayed the same, she knew it was someone she was yet to meet.

Even now, as she slept, she felt that same warmth enveloping her.

Maeve’s eyes snapped open as she heard a snore behind her. The light from outside had blinded her for a second and she’d let out a groan. Usually, in her dreams, the warmth would leave her as her brain woke her up and her eyes slowly opened. This time, however, the warmth was still there. She felt it in her stomach and all down her spine, the familiar presence of it making her think for a second she was still in her dreams and that she’d wake up any minute to feel it leave her. As the bedroom came into focus, the large window next to her letting in soft daylight, that warmth remained and it wasn’t until she felt an arm around her pulling her closer that she remembered the events of the night her trip changed forever.

“The bridge collapsed?” Calum asked confused and walked over to stand next to her, his bra ahh hitching as he looked out at the stone bridge, “Holy shit.”

“What’re we going to do?” Maeve asked shakily, her eyes staring out in awe, “That’s the only way back. W-we’re stranded here with no power and no way to contact anyone about what’s happened!”

“Maeve, deep breathes,” Calum said as he reached out and slowly placed his hands on the sides of her arms, “Hey, look at me, I promise, it’ll be okay.”

With a deep breath, Maeve relished in the warms of Calum’s touch, leaning into it as she tried to calm her racing mind. He was right, it would be okay, the power would eventually come on once the storm passed, and then they would be able to call someone for help. All they had to do was wait for the storm to pass and then they’d get help.

All Maeve had to do was survive a night with an incredibly handsome art history professor, a looming interview that could change her life, and a storm that seemed to have destruction on its mind. Calum's hands were still on her arms, squeezing them gently as he tried to ground her back into the moment at hand. If it had been any other situation, one in which Calum was more than a stranger and Maeve wasn't stuck in a cabin with him, she would have been flustered. But the view of the bridge outside of the window, looming in the distance as if mocking how her brain felt, kept her unannounced attraction towards the stranger attempting to calm her at bay.

“Okay, I��it’s going to be okay,” she breathed out after taking a couple more deep breathes, “I guess we just unofficially became roommates.”

The next two days had been spent in one another's company. Once the storm had settled and the drizzle had lulled the forest into a peaceful sleep, Calum and Maeve had spent most of the night huddled up in the living room, finding out more and more about one another. They talked about a lot that first night, both of them wanting to be absolutely positive that the other was not a serial killer with extreme patience. But there seemed to be something they were both hiding, a small snippet of the truth that both were too scared to share. It wasn't until the inevitable concept of having to sleep crept closer and closer that they both glanced back at the only bed around for miles.

"I'll take the couch," Calum nodded, "You were here first so it's only fair."

"But you'll be cold," Maeve mumbled, "The fireplace will only give you so much heat before it dies out in the middle of the night and you wake up frozen."

"Another good reason why you should take the bedroom then," Calum chuckled and shook his head, "I don't mind, really."

"We could just share." Maeve said, surprising herself with the forwardness of her voice, "Body heat and all, you know?"

"Are you sure?" Calum asked, his eyebrow raising as he watched the flush on Maeve's cheeks grow.

"Positive, now come on, I'm exhausted."

They'd each picked their side of the bed, opting to stay as far away from the middle of the mattress as they both could. The sound of a drizzle hitting the roof and windows around them made the quietness of the bedroom a little calmer, both of them too aware of the other in bed to really drift off. But eventually, the drizzle lulled them both, into a warm and quiet sleep. A sleep where Maeve felt the warmth from her dreams and Calum felt the ache of his hike.

The following morning, when both of them woke up in each other’s arms was…awkward to say the least. Calum had woken up first, his arm numb and his brain having trouble catching up to where he was and why he had another body on top of him. The early morning sunlight filtered in through the large window next to the bed, shining a soft light over the entire room. The morning air was still chilly, leaving an ache in Calum’s joints and instinctively making him pull Maeve closer to him. It wasn’t until he heard Maeve stir that he realized exactly what they’d done. As the storm passed, the rain leaving the ground soft and muddy, Maeve and Calum and drifted closer and closer. Acting as the full moon and ocean tide, they ended up in one another’s warmth, starring far apart and gravitating towards each other.

That morning, they’d both spent time apart, walking around the small property where the bridge had left them isolated from everyone else. Calum had spent most of that day outside, his journal tucked safely in the pocket of his rain jacket, walking through the woods and hoping that the next couple of days before their host, whatever her name was, could find a way for them to get back. The first few days were spent like that, both of them stealing glances at the other while trying to distract themselves from the view of the broken bridge, the view of their separation, and the fact that they were both stuck with one another. Mornings were usually spent in silence, both too afraid to move from one another’s arms, trying not to wake the other up. They were spent looking out the window, watching the trees sway and the colored leaves flicker off the branches and onto the river below. Maeve, who had become used to the warmth of Calum’s body next to hers every morning, had spent mornings pretending to be asleep in the hope that Calum wouldn’t pull away from her and leave her cold. Calum, who knew Maeve had woken up minutes before, spent his mornings hoping that she wouldn’t move out of his arms, his face finding comfort in the crook of her neck. Mornings were quiet and hesitant, soft touches that both of them thought about during the rest of the day, hoping to wake up in one another’s arms once again. The nights were a different story. As the sun lowered into the sky, leaving streaks of gold, pink, orange, and red; Calum and Maeve found themselves huddled together. Sometimes Maeve would read out loud, her book telling the history of the clans that used to call the Highlands their home, and sometimes Calum would put on one of the old records that had been left behind in the cabin. Those were Maeve’s favorite nights, Calum’s too, when the music echoed from the walls and the both of them laid under the shared fur blanket, watching the darkness of the sky from their favorite window. It was when the sun went down and the cold settled in that Maeve and Calum got to really know one another.

One night, when dinner had been quiet, both too lost in their own heads to really say much. Their conversation changed, from the usual small talk that had been shared during the day, to something more. The world was teasing them both, the candle-lit dinner they shared one of the first either of them had ever had a candle-lit dinner. Calum liked to think he was a romantic at heart, but he couldn't recall a time where he and his fiancé, well ex-fiancé, would've ever had a dinner like this. Maeve hadn't ever had a date with James like this, not that this was considered a date, but theirs had always ended up with cheap takeout and a studying session. This felt different, it felt calm and the quiet surrounding them never turned awkward or tense. It was comforting.

"So, what's your story?" Calum asked softly, "I mean, I know you said you have an interview with the university but...well, what're you running from?"

Maeve tensed at the question, her eyebrows furrowing as she studied the man in front of her and wondered if he truly could read her like that. Had she been that obvious about wanting to escape her crowded city life? Had everyone she'd encountered known she belonged in the countryside where she was born, never to be able to thrive in a bustling city? Or did Calum, who seemed very much like herself, run away to Scotland too.

"I...I guess I just needed to find myself and I thought that Scotland would be that place for me?" Maeve shrugged, her eyes looking down at the glass of whiskey in front of her, "My parents met in Edinburgh, they road tripped around the entire country together, and fell in love here."

She looked back up at Calum, who watched her intently, his eyes focused on her eyes, watching as Maeve tried to look everywhere but his. With a sigh, and another sip of the bitter whiskey that made her blood warm, Maeve continued on with the story. How her small town had been a bore to her but the second she had left she'd missed it like hell. That no matter how much fun she'd found in the big cities she'd traveled to, nothing made her feel like home. How this was supposed to be a way to get rid of the aching feeling in her chest and that maybe she would find something here in Scotland that the rest of the world hadn't shown her yet. She didn't miss the way Calum's shoulders tensed as she explained the situation with James and how she'd never truly felt love for him.

"And what about you? Why did the university professor run away?" Maeve asked quietly, her eyes finally meeting his across the table.

Maeve listened to Calum, listened as he spilled his heart out over a plate of potatoes and roasted veggies. She listened as his hands fidgeted with the loose string on his sweater and bit her lip as she realized just how alike they were. Soon enough, the rainstorm had slowed into a drizzle and the kitchen was cleaned up. It wasn't too long after that Maeve found herself plopping down on the couch next to Calum, pulling the warm fur blanket over both of their laps as the chill of the autumn night settled in around the house. The unwanted guest had forced both Maeve and Calum into warmer clothes, socks and hoodies peeking out over the edges of the blanket as they watched the flicker of the candlelight bounce on the walls.

"I tried, you know? To make myself love her and to make her love me," Calum sighed and shrugged as he took another sip of the whiskey, "I thought that if I proposed to her, our hearts would figure it out and everything would be fixed."

"And did it?" Maeve asked, her soft eyes finding him in the candlelight, "Did she fall in love with you?"

"Deep down, I knew it would never work." he sighed and frowned as he looked down at his fingers that had been playing with a loose thread on the blanket covering them both, "I'm surprised she hadn't left earlier."

"She's a fool," she mumbled, her knee nudging against Calum's causing both of them to lean into the warmth of it, "You're a great guy."

"You've only known me for three days, you can't possibly know that about me," Calum laughed and shook his head, his eyes gazing out the large window, watching the waves in the river splash against the bedrock.

"And from that, I already know that you're a great guy," she chuckled and shrugged, "You made me breakfast even after I made you get more wood late last night. Which by the way, is totally happening again."

"Yeah? You’re coming with me this time, okay?" Calum teased, knowing that there was no way she'd be stepping out after dark to walk to the shed where all the firewood had been stored.

"In your dreams, Hood."

That night, when the candles had been blown out and the fireplace in the bedroom crackled to keep them both warm, Calum had still been awake when Maeve had scooted back against him. Calum had been up for a while, his brain too awake to even think about sleeping, Maeve’s soft breaths keeping him grounded in the bed. He knew it was a mistake, to even consider that his heart raced a little faster when she was near him, but the past couple of days had taught him a lot. He’d never really believed in coincidences, but his mother had always told him that life had a funny way of showing him what he needed, even if it wasn’t what he’d expected. Maeve was like no one Calum had ever met before. She was so intelligent and well-spoken, she somehow always had something to say in response to Calum. She never seemed to get bored of all the reading or even of the random facts Calum would spew out whenever he remembered something. She was new and refreshing, like the air he’d breathe in every morning after he’d made it out of the cottage.

But Calum was being foolish again, he couldn’t feel anything for the stranger, that’s all she was really, a stranger who’d been booked in the same room as him and now he was stuck with her until someone noticed they’d missed their checkout date. He was stuck feeling his palms sweat whenever she talked with him in that soft voice, the one that gave him goosebumps he was thankful were hidden under his sweaters. He couldn’t have feelings for her because in a few days she’d be in Edinburgh having a life-changing interview and Calum would be on a flight back home, hoping that when his flight landed, he’d stopped regretting walking into the empty house he’d left weeks ago. He’d been so stuck in his brain, trying to stop his feelings for the stranger next to him, that he hadn’t noticed her breath hitting his neck. The soft snores leaving Maeve had made Calum’s thumb on her hip stop it’s up and down stroking, one he hadn’t even noticed he’d been doing, and made him look down at her.

In the darkness of the room, where the only source of light came from the embers of the fireplace gave him only so much to work with, Maeve looked ethereal. Calum’s chest stopped rising, his eyes wide as he watched the small twitches in her nose and eyes as Maeve dreamt. The curls she’d usually push away when she was asleep were falling down onto her eyes, Calum’s hand coming up to push them behind her ear. Maeve’s eyes fluttered open at the touch, leaving Calum frozen in place with his finger on the warmth of her cheek.

“Hey,” she whispered, her sleep-induced haze making her lean into the touch, “Is everything okay?”

“Of course,” Calum breathed out, his lungs finally receiving a new life as the oxygen once again rushed into them, “Go back to sleep, I’ve got you.”

Maeve, whose brain was slowly waking up, blushed at his words. Her eyes moved up to meet his in the darkness, the deep brown of his nearly replaced by his pupils which had dilated. In a moment of courage, where Maeve pushed away any of the warnings telling her to not move her head to the side, she cupped the hand that was on her cheek in hers and pressed a kiss onto the palm of it. Her eyes closed again as she felt the hitch in Calum’s breath, feeling him tense for just a second before he practically melted into her touch. They both laid there, staring at one another in the darkness they’d both used for lingering and greedy touches, their breathing matching as they leaned in closer and closer. The wind had picked up outside, whistling against the window panes, as if even nature outside knew the tension between the two bodies that were in the safety of the loneliness of the forest.

There was a beat of silence, a beat where Calum and Maeve took each other in one last time before their lips connected. In the dark, they found one another, pulling each other closer and closer until Calum could feel the soft noises leaving both him and Maeve against his chest. Her lips were soft, leaving Calum chasing after them for more after she pulled away to catch her breath. He hadn’t waited too long, the electric feeling of her against him back after less than a second. Outside, the window had continued to howl, the forest seemingly cheering for the two as the darkness outside shielded them from the world. The river still flowed beside the house, the water crashing against the large rocks like their lips had moments before. They moved in a flow, much like a river, clothes thrown off and kisses crashing onto unseen skin.

Calum’s hands were hesitant, almost as if he was afraid to touch Maeve, but the soft sigh that left her when his hand finally squeezed the thigh she’d rested over his hip was all he needed to keep going. His body pushed up against hers, his other arm coming up to push her down onto her back, the soft mattress pulling Maeve in like a hug. From where he was, kneeled at her side, Maeve’s breathless and flushed look made Calum want to wake up from such a cruel dream, his jaw going slack as Maeve’s knees dropped onto the bed and Calum slotted himself between her. Calum’s forehead rested against hers, their noses brushing up against one another in a silent plea for whatever it was they had started to be more, his breathing heavy as he felt her knees tighten around his waist and pull him closer. The friction between them had elicited soft groans from them, their lips once again finding each other in the dark as they found a rhythm, one so delicious Calum was sure he was seeing stars behind his closed eyelids.

“Please,” Maeve breathed out, her hands running up and down his chest until she grabbed the hem of the shirt and pulled it up his body, throwing it somewhere into the darkness, “Calum.”

Time slowed in those seconds where all they could focus on was the way their bodies moved together. Maeve was lost in Calum’s kisses, her hand sliding down between them and past the soft hair trailing down onto the boxers he’d been wearing. Calum’s mind was too far gone, his body tensing as he felt Maeve wrap her fingers around him, his hips jerking into the touch as his lips left a trail of kisses down her jaw and neck. Calum’s mind was running with all the things he would do to her, the fear of Maeve somehow knowing all that Calum was imagining overtaking his brain before he felt another wave of pleasure course through him as he felt the flick of Maeve’s wrist on him. Their bodies moved as one, moving through the darkness and racing for that crash that would leave them both seeing nothing but a blinding white behind their eyelids. That crash came eventually, their breathlessness hidden by the howling wind outside. Their bodies fell back onto the mattress as the stones from the very bridge that had forced them together had fallen days before. Through the pants and the mind-numbing pleasure, Maeve and Calum found their way back to one another, soft kisses shared in between whispers which wouldn’t have been distinguished between the sound of the rain falling outside. The droplets hitting the windows as Calum looked down at Maeve, who had been pressing soft kisses onto his chest, tracing over the ink splayed across it. She looked up at him, almost as if to ask what the ink said, the darkness hiding the design of it.

“In the morning,” Calum whispered, kissing her forehead as he felt the softness of her sink into his touch.

Both of them listened to the rain outside, wondering if the morning would bring more touches as the midnight had, or if they’d wake up in silence hoping that the other would speak up first. But Calum would explain the ink on his chest in the morning, would tell Maeve the story behind the words tattooed onto his body for the rest of his life. And Maeve would listen as she stroked the tan skin she’d run her fingernails down only hours before, leaving crescent shapes indented into his skin as a reminder that the pleasure and the ache in between her legs hadn’t been a dream. But that would come in the morning, for now, all they could do was doze off as the rain sang for them once more.

taglist: @hoodhoran @finelliine @moonlightcriess @mxgyver @calpops @karajaynetoday @notlukehemmo @calumrose @devilatmydoor @lowkeyflop @matchacal @hemmo1996-5sosvevo @myloverboyash @2fangirl4u @multistann

#calum hood x oc #calum hood x reader #calum hood x you #calum hood imagines #calum hood fics #calum hood blurbs #calum hood #5sos x reader #5sos x oc #5sos x you #5sos blurbs #5sos fics #5sos #5 seconds of summer #better love series #gemma writes #5sos smut #calum hood smut

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heresathreebee · 3 years

Text

A Real Date

[Ava Starr x Female!Reader]

Summary: You and Ava trying a dinner date that goes very wrong (just kidding it's actually fine).

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Word count: 1.8k words

Warning(s): 13+ | no-snap au, post-Ant Man and the Wasp, swearing, internalized homophobia(?), I think I’m working through something here this might be a little personal (sorry in advance), past relationship angst, presumed past of dating multiple genders but there is no definitive sexuality established for reader in the present, this was going to be something else but the story took over and I had to roll with it.

Author's note: no-snap au, post-Ant Man and the Wasp. I’m sorry I do not edit anymore, it only serves to stand in my way. This is part 3 of Ava Starr series beginning with Strawberry Soda. Art by Artmilla on DeviantArt (correct me if I’m wrong please)

It's important to note that not everything you see in media is the hegemonic truth. Take sapphic dating rituals for example: in media it’s a constant joke about how fast people move in together and own pets and plants like they were soulmates and always meant to be together. Which is nice to see– it’s not meant to be a cruel joke– but it does paint a picture of perfection. It doesn’t explicitly state whether your future wife is your first or fiftieth girlfriend but it sure as shit might lead you to believe every girl might be your last.

Real people don’t work that way. Real people have different interests, different lives, different traumas, different styles and needs. Every relationship is new and it has to be done deliberately and with care for what you and your partner want. So when you think about your relationship with Ava you can’t help but feel a little guilty.

Ava seems to like to take things slow. Your relationship prioritizes quality time over physical touch which you're fine with, but you can’t help it if you compare the details to other people you’ve dated. You’ve known each other for three months and in every other relationship by this time, you and your previous partners had hit a ton of milestones that you and Ava had just… not. So when you bring up the prospect of a ‘real date’ to Ava one night while cooking pasta in your kitchen, Ava chuckles.

“And what exactly constitutes as a ‘real date?’”

The television is playing some daytime television game show and the volume’s on low. You pass her the salt and take a swig from your beer with a shrug. Already you feel silly for bringing it up.

“Dinner. A movie. Sometimes both, I guess,” you say, flustered.

Ava raises an eyebrow at the softening bowtie noodles in the pot. “We’re having dinner right now…? Name one time we haven’t come back to your place to watch a movie.”

“The time the power went out and we played jenga by candlelight. But I– I mean like a date outside of the house.”

“We go to out to parks, the antique mall, lunch, the arcade–”

“Well, yeah I guess you’re right I just don’t know I still feel like–”

“Again, how is any of it different from a ‘real date?’”

“I don’t know! Just… just forget it.” you’re trying not to be bitter about it but you don’t even know what you mean so how could you explain it?

Ava calls your name softly and you already feel hot shame lick up your neck when you see her face. “I didn’t mean it like that, I– I just don’t think I understand what you mean and I want to! Honestly…”

You sigh and lean closer to her, careful not to touch but you want her to know you’re not mad. “No, I’m sorry. I just… I’ve been stuck on it for a week but I can’t seem to figure out why. Everything you’re saying I agree with but there’s still this nagging voice in my head telling me it’s not fair or I’m doing it wrong but I don’t know what it even is and I–”

You collapse onto the kitchen floor breathless. What the fuck were you even saying? Why was this bothering you so much? What ‘s different about this relationship than any other relationship you’ve already had? Your eyes are darting back and forth and your head is a million miles away. You keep talking as if saying it out loud will make your impulsive and intrusive thoughts and motivations clearer to you.

“It’s out of order. No, it’s not but it’s… with Jordan and Becky and Hal, I went on three dates before it felt normal. We did the traditional getting to know you stuff. Damien and Palavi were straight physical– not traditional at all but that still felt good enough somehow. And– and it’s not that I don’t believe what we have isn’t real, I just–

“Fuck, I don’t know! It feels a little like my relationship with Kat.” You can’t believe it but then the words were out there. You had never told anybody about Kat– Ava was still learning about the rest of them– but the instant those words left your mouth you regretted them. Ava was not Kat.

For instance, Ava slipped down to sit beside you on the floor– Kat would never lower herself to meet your eye. Ava looked at you and she saw you– Kat chose to ignore your feelings whenever it became more convenient to do so. Kat made you feel special and yet not special enough– OK maybe they shared a little bit of that. A tiny, micro piece of that.

“What was Kat like?” She said the words softly and without an ounce of jealousy.

You gather your mind with a deep breath. “Dating Kat was like being strapped to a rocket. It was like being a part of something bigger and stronger than me. Being with her made me feel inconsequential and sometimes I liked that, but then… then I realized I was just a dirty little secret. Kat liked me because I was convenient to her, not because she actually cared about me.

“When we talked or hung out, it had to be on her terms. No public, no friends or family, no social media. No one was allowed to know. She passed it off as just wanting me for herself but after she dumped me for something better I realized she never saw me as her equal. And it just… I was already in a dark place and that place just kind of got a whole lot darker after that. I felt especially not special.”

You lean back and rest your head on the cabinet under the sink. “I know that’s not you. Maybe I’m just tired of feeling like I have to hide a part of myself. I did a lot of stupid things in the public eye with Palavi, maybe part of that was because I was proud of who I am and I wanted everyone to know it?”

“I think I care too much about what other people think of me,” you said closing your eyes.

You didn’t expect to feel Ava lean her head against your shoulder but you don’t pull away. God, you could never pull away even as you worry she may be causing herself harm just to comfort you and your rambling. Her hair tickles a bit and smells like strawberries and lavender.

Ava lifted her head after a moment. “Let’s go on a real date then.”

Why the fuck were you so nervous? This was your idea! You had trouble picking a restaurant and picking a day and picking your clothes out and picking where to sit. So many choices with so much meaning or none at all. You just need this to be perfect because you hoped maybe this is what you need to stop that nagging in your head.

You made the call to meet each other there. You made the suggestion that it had to be somewhere nice– as in get dressed up nice. And darling, sweet, patient Ava let you have the control you so desperately needed. She offered suggestions here and there, and it helped you narrow everything down to a science. You feel a little self conscious sitting by yourself in your get up but you knew she'd be there on time.

It's just a matter of whether or not you could sit still for five more minutes.

You hold the cloth napkin in your palms to try and soak up the sweat. Forcing yourself to sit unnaturally still and you haven't touched your wine because you just know you'll get it everywhere somehow. Your eyes trace over the table to stop yourself from meeting the eyes of other patrons. Do nothing, wait it out.

Ava is stunning and you don't know she's there until the wait staff places the dinner menus in front of you. So much for pulling out her chair like you wanted to– but she's here and you break out into a big smile.

"You look amazing," you tell her.

Ava smiles and takes a sip of the rosé you ordered. The dim lighting in the room seems to soften the contours of her face but never the sharpness of her bright eyes. Something blossoms inside you and you feel it– that thing that's been bothering you like a knot in your stomach turns into a seed and its flowering now. This is your girlfriend. Not your friend who is a girl– your significant other. She's important to you and she has decided that she feels the same way about you.

You feel your body unwind, reaching across the table like you might touch her hand then stop an inch from her empty plate. She watches you curiously but without fear. After a beat, it's Ava who finishes the contact. She slips her hand into yours and you are delighted to discover she's not a corporeal being you've convinced yourself is real. Her skin is a little dry around the palm and she has calluses you never knew were there and she's real and this is happening.

You resist the urge to squeeze her fingers. Let her lead. Trust her to move away if she experiences any pain. She looks away from you with a flustered face you've never seen her wear and takes another draft of her wine.

"This is nice," she says softly.

You eat off each others' plates and you laugh together, and if anyone's watching you wouldn't know because for once you couldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks. You're with your person, for now or forever doesn't matter because she's letting you hold her hand and talk about a play you want to take her to on Saturday. Your heart flutters in your chest the whole way home and it’s not until you’re standing at your front door does her hand finally slip from yours. The feeling lingers though and your face hurts from smiling.

“This everything you wanted,” she asked.

“Yes,” you reply, “yes it was. Thank you for indulging me, it’s exactly what I needed.”

“I enjoyed it too.” She steps closer, seemingly reluctant to leave just yet. “We’re still going to see Rocky Horror Picture Show, right?”

“Absolutely,” you beam, “trust me, you’re gonna love it, it’s wild.” You blow her a kiss to send her on her way and spend the next hour giggling to yourself until you finally pass out from exhaustion.

#three bees writing #ava starr #ava starr x female reader #just girls being girlfriends #I'll make a masterlist for this soon I just want like two more fics

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