#she's emotionally hurt and disconnected still i think

[uncomfortably-bowing]

there's so much utena discourse around certain aesthetic signatures of the show (in particular, scenes and shots like the sword pulls, the transformations and outfits, etc.) and, like, surface-level discussions over whether these things are "Actually Beautiful" or "Actually Bad."

and i totally get it, especially with regards to some scenes---like the ways in which people have taken the ending scene of episode 33 and turned into weird pastel-pretty aesthetic boards lmao----but i do feel like a lot of the discussion is over-simplistic, and disconnected from the actual framing and themes of the series

utena and anthy's world is full of beauty. it is also full of horror and pain. there is often no clear delineation between the two, and we are forced (quite generously!) to recognize both sides of this.

the sword pulls oftentimes carry feelings of manipulation, hurt, subservience. anthy summoning the sword drives in the repetitive, obedient actions she is forced to repeat time and time again for others as the rose bride. in the black rose arc, they're violent and terrifying. in the third arc, they're stand-ins of the dysfunctions the characters have with the person drawing them, the ways in which their emotions are being twisted and ignored.

and yet! they're beautiful.

they're incredibly intimate moments, in which the two characters---who, generally speaking, are either emotionally or physically estranged from one another---cradle or hold one another, pull out a culmination of that person's essence, as a heavenly light frames the two of them together. the first time anthy does it to utena, it is out of genuine fear for her, her voice quivering with fear as she tries to do anything to help her! it's love! it's an act of beautiful love!

when pressed on how it felt to have their sword drawn, the duelists are flustered---they can't say it was just painful, because it was more than just painful. the screams of the black rose arc turn into something more quiet, ethereal, pretty---and yet still uneasy, unsettling.

a similar conversation can be had about utena and anthy's outfits. they're symbols of their roles as duelist and rose bride, and for anthy in particular it's an outfit emblematic of her status as a static, never-moving prize to be won. the outfits are as ugly as the entire dueling system, and yet---while recognizing this---the show doesn't stray away from associating the dress and the duels with delightful, beautiful imagery. the rose imagery in general is very beautiful and striking, even at some of the more dark moments!

there is an aesthetically pleasing contrast between anthy's dress and utena's uniform---one that goes back ages in terms of our understandings of gender and social status. why is that beauty there? well, for a lot of reasons! one is definitely making us question what we think of as beautiful, particularly in the contexts of gender roles and society (why did we have that gut impulse to see anthy in that dress as beautiful to begin with?) but, for the sake of this post, i think the most satisfying answer is because horror and beauty are usually intertwined in our actual lives.

so much of the show is dedicated to both finding beauty in horrifying situations and seeing how beautiful things are oftentimes pretty horrifying. anthy and utena's relationship is beautiful, but grows out of abuse, sexism, queerphobia, and hurt.

when utena and anthy dance in front of everyone at the ball, how do we interpret that? well, our first instinct is as a beautiful scene of budding love and care between the two of them; our second instinct (especially after watching the show) is that it's another example of the way in which they've both been boxed into these roles of prince and bride---and all as hundreds of eyes are staring at them. when does the line between gender as choice and performance begin, and when does it become oppressive gender roles? when does anthy's performance as the meek rose bride become her real self? when do the two's relationship become loving, and when do they stop hurting each other? when do the ugly things at ohtori become beautiful, and when do all of the beautiful things become ugly?

and there's not really one point, always, although sometimes there are---and sometimes there's multiple points, and sometimes there was no transformation at all, and sometimes things never stopped oscillating between good and bad, ugly and beautiful, scary and hopeful.

and like, even beyond the really radical ways this impacts the queer and feminist readings of the show, i just think that's also very nice. so much of utena is built on recognizing the beauty in the world. the main characters live in a shitty world while leading shitty lives. and they find beauty in it still.

(i will here also add here at the end that when the show wants to make a very clear definitive statement on one of its aesthetics being basically entirely bad with no beauty behind it, it's very frank in its framing. see: any shot with utena in a dress or her girl's uniform)

#rgu #revolutionary girl utena #anthy himemiya #utena tenjou #also i just want to add that like #beauty and ugliness are ultimately very broad concepts and a work can use them in different ways to different themes #ranging from literally just intending the audience to go “oh that's pretty!” to actual commentary #so i also dont think the question of “are we supposed to find the things in utena beautiful” is necessarily the most cohesive #in the first place haha

[muninnhuginn]

thinking about the qiao ling-lu guang section of the time trio.

the way I see it, qiao ling sees lu guang as cheng xiaoshi's first ever genuine friend. she has her own friends and is pretty sociable as a person, but cheng xiaoshi doesn't have that. sure, he acts pretty friendly, but we know he's had to work for that. that his situation with his parents was incredibly isolating and created a disconnect between him and others.

this is probably part of why qiao ling lowkey tried to vet lg early on in their relationship with the whole "why do you like cxs?" deal. but by the time the series kicks off, she's pretty sure lg is trustworthy.

I do think qiao ling considers lu guang a friend herself, but importantly, I think she considers him cheng xiaoshi's friend *first*. cheng xiaoshi hasn't had this before and she doesn't want to risk taking it from him. which is how you end up with cxs basically acting as the hinge between lg and ql.

and from a meta perspective, qiao ling somewhat keeping her distance and letting shiguang get on with things means that she probably has a somewhat different view of their relationship and lu guang's personality than the audience at this stage. she's seen them in general day-to-day situations and definitely has an idea of the whole cheng xiaoshi pestering-lu guang scolding dynamic, but stuff like diving? how they act together in high-stakes situations? we know she was largely kept out of that prior to s2. and in s2, lu guang was largely kept apart from her and cxs until the very last episode.

does she have any idea how far cheng xiaoshi's trust for lu guang extends? does she realise how much lu guang is fighting to control? I know I keep coming back to this, but it's fascinating what throwing her the fragment about lu guang's backstory achieves. she's disconnected enough to have a perspective outside of the shiguang dynamic. the pieces she's missing about lu guang might actually make her more able to accept what he's capable of than cheng xiaoshi in the end. and more able to get through to lu guang too, because they're not close enough for it to wreck their relationship in the same way. but at the same time, she's still emotionally tied into this situation and she especially doesn't want cheng xiaoshi hurt or dead.

I do think she'll push through her denial eventually and make progress with lu guang, but there is a reason why she's in denial in the first place at the end of s2. the idea that there's been something so horrifying hiding beneath the surface all along.

her brother died and yet he still sits there in front of her, smiling. his friend, whom she thought she could trust, was there and hasn't said a word.

where was she?

#this is kinda more headcanony justification for something I'm writing but I think it largely agrees with what the show presents? #and tbh I do think once she's able to process more she will also feel betrayed. I just don't think it'll be as cataclysmic as for cxs. #link click #shiguang daili ren spoilers #link click spoilers

[project-sekai-facts]

Any opinion on Akito and Ena's dad ?

I don’t think he’s the best parent ever by any means, but I also think people often greatly exaggerate what he did to his kids. Both him and his kids have a pretty blunt way of talking and I think this is why they clash so often. The thing is, none of what he said to Ena about art being a terrible field of work to go into was wrong, it’s just that instead of trying to help Ena, he just told her she was talentless which like don’t fucking say that to your child??? I get that he was trying to look out for Ena but he just approached it in the worst possible way and ruined Ena’s mental health. He’s clearly been through it in his art career and doesn’t want Ena to go through the same, especially when she’s already struggling at a non-professional level, but he’s not the greatest parent going and clearly doesn’t know how to talk to his kids. He’s gotten better after Akito talked to him, but still has some work to do.

What I’m saying when people exaggerate what he did is that people tend to dial up the abuse to be more like Harumichi & Toya’s mother or Mafuyu’s parents and this is a very different case. Shin’ei clearly doesn’t know how to communicate with his kids and isn’t good at parenting, and I don’t think he meant to hurt Ena as bad as he did. He didn’t think she would be able to handle an art career and didn’t want her to get hurt, but he ended up hurting her more because he has dogshit communication skills. Yes, he still abused her and isn’t like a hugely present figure in her or Akito’s life (might be work-related? It’s never explained) but I don’t think he intentionally crushed her mental health and self worth. Considering one of his hobbies is camping trips with the family I think he actually does love his kids, he just isn’t a good parent.

It’s a very complex case because yes he did abuse Ena but it doesn’t entirely seem like it was intentional? Like telling her she was talentless was an intentional decision but I don’t think he said it because he wanted her to suffer emotionally for years, does that make sense? It wasn’t like Harumichi who made Toya practice past the point of injury and his wife who banned Toya from having any free time just because they wanted him to be a musical prodigy and live up to their expectations of their family (also Toya has older brothers who probably went through the exact same thing before him). And it wasn’t like Mafuyu’s mother who manipulates her daughter into becoming what she wants her to be and is fully aware of the fact she’s manipulating her, and then tries to manipulate other people on top of that to believe that she’s a good mother and actually cares about her daughter.

Shin’ei actually does seem to care about Ena and Akito and the fact that he does seem to try and change after Akito talks to him adds more proof to that. Harumichi hears Toya out and Toya isn’t scared of him anymore, and although he hasn’t really shown up much since Nocturne, whenever he does or whenether he’s mentioned there’s still this sort of disconnect between him and Toya still? Like he’s kinda just accepted that Toya rebelled against his expectations as an Aoyagi but you can tell he still doesn’t see eye to eye with Toya and probably never will. Hell, when Mrs Asahina is called out on her actions, she tries to manipulate the person calling her out in the exact same way she does her daughter. So Shin’ei at the very least tries to be better even if the improvement isn’t huge and I think a lot of people in the fandom miss that part? Like I consistently see people describe/portray him as far more intentionally malicious and hurtful and sometimes even physically abusive and he isn’t?? Yes he abused Ena and doesn’t seem hugely present in Akito’s life compared to like Ken, but how he abused his kids reads very differently to the other more notable abusive parents. I’ve already said it loads by now but the intent is different. And this is a character analysis and not an opinion

Uh yeah I think he’s pretty well written and I’d like to know a bit more about him but maybe I should invest in the fanbook for that. He’s very realistic like this is definitely something that happens a lot in real life. Some parents just aren’t good at it and don’t mean to hurt their kid but they end up doing so because they just don’t know how to care for them and communicate with them properly. He feels very human.

He’s a shit parent and I hope this doesn’t read like an apologist post because it’s not meant to be, like he drove Ena into a deep depression that’s fucked up. I just wanted to point some stuff out because I really like how he’s written and think he’s a pretty interesting character.

#asks #mod talks #project sekai #shin'ei shinonome

[wellofdean]

Just wanted to split this off from this post about why Mary Winchester is excellent because it's getting so long, but I wanted to respond to these tags from @kayliemalinza :

#sometimes i feel people hate john for reasons that while valid in our universe less valid in the spn universe#but mary gets it way worse#<-- prev tags yessss#also doing the math wasn't she like 28 when she died#i'm glad they didn't recast and of course samantha smith looks her own age#but mary is in fact YOUNGER THAN SAM AND DEAN AT THIS POINT#they are not children#and the tags copied above i think explains so sos ooo much#bc so many fans glommed onto dean because of similar family issues#and that means they are struggling as much as dean is in s12#and just can't disconnect that quite yet#but god#GOD how she struggles with that emotional intimacy#she was raised as a hunter you don't think she's chockablock full of maladaptive coping mechanisms too?

Because I whole-heartedly agree with this. John Winchester was not a good father in some major, major ways, and Sam and Dean had a childhood straight out of a...well, a horror/fantasy genre show...but I think people forget that Sam and Dean also do truly love John and truly are more or less at peace with their memory of him later in the series, and there has to be a reason for that, too. It's not that he's a mustache-twirling villain; it's complicated. He loved them, but he wasn't always able to do it right. They love him, but he hurt them and made the what they are, which is a double-edged sword.

It's really natural that we all identify with Dean, and get angry at people who hurt him, but I think it's important to realize that Dean processes his anger about Mary leaving pretty quickly, because it's not really anger and resentment, it's confusion, disappointment and hurt. And I think Dean is grown enough to own his own feelings, and able to accept that she needs time and space, and he's not such a child that he isn't capable of separating his legitimate feelings from her legitimate needs. It takes him time, but he gets there, because, and this is another conversation, Dean is really very reflective and emotionally intelligent, actually.

I also do agree that a lot of fans, in identifying with Dean, map their own feelings about their parents onto Mary, and dislike her for reasons that have nothing to do with the story being told on Supernatural, which is essentially a very healing one. Since I'm a Gen-X old, and the mother of an adult son, I actually had a pretty different experience, and as much as I love Dean, in this storyline, I identified a lot with Mary.

On the one hand, she has to be so proud of her two big, beautiful, brave and heroic sons, but at the same time she does not know them! They don't need her, and they are trying to protect her from the things she feels they should have been protected from, and at the same time, as adult men who are still, in some way, motherless boys, they are hungry (especially Dean) for her to be something that she never had a chance to grow into. I loved it that her own exigencies were too strong to LET her stay. I loved that she could not accept the role of mother that had been stolen from her, and could not sit still to let it just kind of settle on her shoulders.

It made me think that (aw yeah!) there was a difference between John's sainted white nightgown conception of his dead wife (his motivation to be what he was), and Dean's memory of her as the cutter off of crusts from his sandwiches, or the mother that he comforted when she was sad, and he was just a little man. I'm so glad that Mary turned out to be so much more than that. She is a woman with her own competencies, her own damage and baggage, and her own ideas about how to make things right, who doesn't agree with her sons all the time, who makes mistakes, who fucks the wrong guy, still loves her problematic husband, and can't actually cook, thank you very much. I love that her own disorientation and her own will are so strong that she really can't allow who she actually is to be subsumed into the communal role of 'mother'.

I think that socially, we don't really think about what we ask of mothers, or how hard we judge them. We underestimate what they give up of themselves to satisfy that role. My son was born when I was really young, and fellas, IT WAS HARD under more or less perfectly normal circumstances, to make the transition from being just me to being a mother. My magnificent son is amazeballs, and is a human being that I am so fucking proud to have made out of my very own actual body and raised to be the excellent human he is, and we are really close, but I was not always prefect, and even now when he is a grown adult, I still chafe against the perception of me as 'his mother' and not just ME all the time. One of the very greatest things about my son is his incredible ability to let me live, and make space for the fact that I am also a person, and not just his mother, and I am so, so grateful to him for that, so....

Yeah. As much as I didn't want to see Dean hurt, I LOVED Mary, and love that they wrote her as her a full human being and not a tropally perfect mother. I loved seeing her as a flawed parent that deserved her adult children's understanding and mature love, who deserved her own space and her own processes. What's more, I loved seeing Dean process his feelings about her, and seeing him become a son who was capable of loving a real human woman who happened to be his mother. So... yes. I love her.

Mary Winchester forever. A+.

#Mary Winchester #Supernatural #spn #dean winchester #sorry y'all for another long ass post about this #but #I just have a lot of fucking feelings about Mary ok?

[runa-falls]

Hey I haven’t been on here for so long but I was just wondering did you ever post sharing is caring part 2?

sharing is caring

pairing: ari levinson x reader

summary: you meet your new neighbor. 

a/n: hi old friend! unfortunately, i don't write for chris evans anymore 😬 BUT, surprisingly, i looked in my google drive and found that i apparently did write a part two??? so here???

part 1 | part 3 (?)

---

After the incident, you refused to speak to either of them. You ran up the creaky stairs and barricaded yourself in your room. Thoughts ran rampant inside your mind, berating and hurtful, and you felt like you could barely breathe.

In the beginning of your isolation, you gave in to your initial instinct and cried. At that point, all you wanted was to embrace the hurt and confusion you were left with. Ask yourself all the questions to keep yourself feeling.

How could Ari betray you like that?  And with your best friend most of all? 

You thought he loved cared about you, but obviously, he didn’t. It’s like he moved on to his next conquest without hesitation. And even when he was caught, he only pressed into her harder–right in front of your face. 

He didn’t even have the decency to stop. 

It’s eye opening that even after all the time you spent together, he’s just as emotionally disconnected from you as when he was strictly your stepfather. Did he ever love you? Or were you just another notch in his belt?

Then, at some point, there weren’t any more tears to cry. After your explosion of emotions settled, you were left to stew in your thoughts instead.  The rest of your isolation was just a time to reflect. To process what happened.

Everything comes rushing back, but this time you’re watching everything unfold from the outside. 

Now, you feel like you should’ve known this would happen. 

He’s twice your age, asking for things that only you would fulfill because you’re helplessly looking for his love and affection. 

It was all a ruse. You were just a convenience. Someone to warm his bed at night, just another girl to have on call whenever he wanted. Just like Lila, like…your mom. 

Lila.

Finally, the embarrassment of your actions settled in. You physically cringe every time you think of Lila’s reaction from that night. You were weak. Desperate. You let yourself go, all for a man who doesn’t give a single shit about you. And even through all the tears and choked-out sobs, you still laid yourself at his feet like an obedient pet.  

You desperately tried to grasp the hurt to your chest, wanting to hate her, but there was a meddling thought ringing in the back of your mind. Lila didn’t know. An annoying little voice reminds you that she did exactly what you did. She fucked Ari because he’s an enticing older man who can make you feel like you’re the most desirable girl in the world. 

The pity you once showed yourself is ripped away by that single thought. 

If anything, your situation is worse. He is married to your mom. She’s the closest family you have, and you tore away Ari like it was nothing. It’s like a primal mind took over, blocking out every technicality of the relationship, only focusing on one thing. Ari. 

—

The day Lila flew back home, she sat with her back against your door, thinking she was helplessly speaking on deaf ears. You could hear how her throat tightened as she spewed out apologies.

“Please talk to me…I swear, I didn’t know.” While you were initially hurt, you realized you can’t be angry with her, she genuinely had no idea you were involved with Ari. You just can’t bring yourself to face her after she saw how pathetic you were, groveling at the feet of a cruel man. “Look, I get if you hate me-”

“I… don’t hate you.” You finally answer, voice raspy from your crying. She’s silent, realizing that this is the first time you’ve talked in a while. 

“Y-you don’t?”

Despite your initial hesitations, you open the door, hugging your arms over your body with insecurity. She swiftly scoots away and pushes herself up, facing you with glassy eyes and a reddened nose. 

“I just—you must think I’m disgusting.” You wince as the words squeak out, sheepishly glancing at her, trying to decipher her thoughts. “Doing that with Ari…letting him treat me like that. It was–fucking pathetic.” 

“Oh, honey.” She slowly approaches you with sad eyes, pulling you into an embrace. You can’t help the sob that works its way up your throat as she pets down your hair, soothing your stuttered breaths. “You are not pathetic. He took advantage of both of us.” You nod into her chest, tears bleeding through her shirt. 

“I’m so sorry you had to see that.”

“I’m sorry I fell for that… 70’s porno-looking asshole.” You snort against her, giggling at her attempt to insult him. She lets out a breath as the mood of the room lightens. “I know it’s going to take a while for us to get over this, but just remember that you’re my number one. No matter what, okay?” You squeeze her tighter, knowing she’ll have to leave soon.

“Ok.” 

—

You’ve been simply floating through life since Lila left, trying to avoid any type of interaction with your stepdad. You continue to hole yourself up in your room, leaving your poor mother to worry about your behavior change. 

Luckily she doesn’t ask too many questions when Ari tells her you haven’t been feeling too good these past few weeks. 

“Honey, I brought you some peaches! Cut them up just how you like it.” Her voice is slightly muffled by the door, but her high-pitched tone somehow booms through it. 

You reluctantly slide off your bed, slightly patting down your intense bed head. You only crack open the door, not wanting to talk for long, worried a certain man would pass by. 

You just can’t take the sad, longing gazes he sends you. For some reason, he doesn’t get why you don’t want to talk to him, or even be in the same room as him. He acts so innocently and casually around your mom like nothing ever happened. 

“Thanks, mom.”

“Are you okay, sweetie?” She doesn’t know what she’s asking. That question never fails to push you over the edge. You swallow deeply, staring at the peaches to avoid eye contact. 

“Yeah, just a bit under the weather.” You gently take the bowl from her, forcing an appreciative smile her way. 

“Okay. Well, it’s just you and me tonight.” Your ears perk up and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Is there anything specific you want for dinner”

“Whatever is easiest. I can help make some cauliflower.” She’s taken aback by your sudden pep.

“Alright. Take your time though, and maybe wash your hair?”

—

You’ve forced yourself to make peace with what happened and accepted that Ari is someone you’ll have to live with. If he could act like nothing happened, so could you. You were done playing the pathetic broken girl. 

“Honey!” You’re halfway down the creaky stairs when you hear your mom call out from the kitchen. She must’ve heard your steps.

“Hm?” You see her through the doorway, standing next to an impressive vase of orchids. Oh, orchids. If there’s one thing you know, orchids mean there’s a new neighbor. And a new neighbor means you’ll have to–

“-take them over to 205? They just moved in and I haven’t had a chance to greet them yet.” You’ve done this ritual every time someone remotely close to your house has moved in. Your mom fixes the bow that she expertly tied to the front of it before proudly admiring her work. 

“You know, I really would, but it’s, like, 90 degrees outside and-”

She folds her arms over her chest and raises an eyebrow, “Didn’t you mention wanting to borrow the car tomorrow?” 

You didn’t even realize that someone had moved into the house in front of yours. But in your defense, it happened a few weeks ago during your breakdown of dramatics. Of course, no one in the house has had a chance to meet the new neighbor, so you’ll have to do the honors.

The orchids are heavy in your arms as you walk across the street, conveniently covering up your line of sight from how tall they are. Your mom must be upping the height and weight of these things every time she sends you to a new house! 

Not having an extra hand to extend, you gently stab your elbow into the doorbell. You have to shift the weight of the vase to your other arm as your muscles start to cramp up while you wait. You only notice that the perfectly placed bow is hidden against your chest when you vaguely hear someone approaching the door. 

You carefully watch the flowers as you rotate the heavy ceramic in your arms, making sure nothing gets damaged (or pokes out your eye) as you try to make everything presentable. The door opens before you can slap on one of your signature ‘greetings-new-neighbor’ smiles, but it doesn’t really matter because your whole face is covered in the orchid’s shrubbery. 

“That for me?” Your attempt to reorient the vase is halted as a velvety voice catches you off guard. Your eyes are still shaded by the vegetation as you wordlessly extend your arms to offer him the vase. 

“Yes, I’m, uh, your neighbor from across the street.” He, thankfully, takes the vase from you before your arms can give out and drop them onto his porch. 

You shake out the strain of your muscles as you look up to meet his eyes, mentally grimacing at your weakness. Your prepared mundane pleasantries evaporate off your tongue when you finally see your new neighbor. You weren’t expecting a devastatingly handsome man to stare back down at you, offering you an endearing crooked smile. 

He teasingly tests the weight of the flowers in his arms as he considers your small frame with amused eyes. “I’m impressed you carried over this floral monstrosity all by yourself.” 

“Actually, I was really struggling with it at the end there. You kind of saved me from dropping it.” You give him a bashful smile, still starstruck by the clean-shaven man in front of you. 

“Well, I’m glad I was there to swoop in and be your hero.” You have difficulty keeping eye contact with the tall blond, intimidated by his gracious presence. “So what’s your name, cookie?” 

You can’t help but giggle at the unusual endearment. “Cookie?” 

His eyebrows shoot up in playful shock, “Oh, so I got it right on the first try?” You snort in amusement before offering your name. 

“Hm, well I think cookie fits better,” He adjusts the flowers to rest against his hip. “a sweet name, for a sweet girl.” You bite back a girlish squeal as your stomach flutters from his attention. You’re a sucker for affection and praise. “You doing anything right now? I could use some help putting these flowers in a pretty spot and you look like you’ve got a good eye.” 

You bite your lip, flipping the offer in your head. You don’t have much time to think before you hear someone yelling your name behind you. Steve’s eyes glance over your shoulder to your house, and you turn to follow his gaze.

Ari stands there with his hands resting on his hips, “Mom wants you to help with dinner.” 

“But–She just sent me over with the flowers…?” 

“I don’t know what to tell you, sweetheart.” You wince at the pet name. This is the first time he’s called you that in a while. You don’t respond, simply turning back to Steve with an apologetic smile. 

“Is that your dad?”

“Uh, step, but yeah. I’m sorry, I, um, have to go.”

“No, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. Maybe another day?” He bites his lip, baby blue eyes wide as he waits for your response. You grin back, offering him a gentle nod. 

“Sure.” 

“Ok, cookie, see you later.”

#ari levinson #ari levinson x reader #sharing is caring #anon

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Mommy Dearest

Moonlight Chicken, Ep. 7 is all about parent/child relationships. And I for one could not be more grateful to P'Aof and the other writers, cast, and crew involved in highlighting that. As I've gotten older my appreciation for slice of life style stories has continued to grow, and I think that stems from finding comfort and catharsis in seeing other people portray my reality. Especially when it is treated with empathy and understanding.

Which is why I was so happy to see Li Ming's interactions with his mother this episode. Cause the second they meet face to face, I knew I would be relating hard to Li Ming's feelings towards his mother.

It is vitally, vitally important to me that Jam is introduced in this way. That she is always being shown throughout this entire episode to be kind. She is nice, she is expressing interest in her son, she is cooking for him, she is asking him to come home. Even when she is expressing her thoughts on Li Ming being gay to Jim, ones that are harmful, she is not doing so maliciously. She is allowed to be seen as not inherently evil, and Li Ming is still allowed to feel no love for her.

And this is very important to me specifically because it the way she engages with Li Ming is nearly identical to the way my father is currently trying to engage with me. He's started calling me more, started asking me more questions about my life, started inviting me over for dinner when I'm in town. And the reason why I'm so invested in this scene is because, I recognize the deadness in Li Ming's eyes, we know from later on in the episode that Li Ming isn't sure that he loves his mother, and as a result we have a colder, more stand-offish, and unusually quiet Li Ming. He is not capable of engaging with his mother in a loving way, and it radiates out of him. Before we've had more than ten seconds of a conversation between them, we can already tell that Li Ming is incapable of buying in to her pleasantries.

Even worse for Li Ming, this is a surprise. He did not know she was coming, and now she is here, giving him no time to emotionally or mentally prepare to interact with her.

And this statement speaks volumes to me, probably does to Li Ming too. She didn't come here to see Li Ming, she didn't come here because she missed Li Ming, she came here because her boyfriend was coming here, she just happened to be in town. It's understandable if the expense to travel is a burden, but we know pretty soon after she says this line that she is currently living comfortably.

Crucially, Jam doesn't say this to be cruel, she is not trying to hurt Li Ming. She's just telling him information, but if my father said this to me after an extended time apart, I know I certainly would be thinking of course. of course you only come when it's convenient for you.

Love this line. Because it establishes a fact. Li Ming and Jam do not talk to each other. Li Ming has no idea who Uncle Tong is in relation to his mother.

Li Ming's entire character centers around connection and disconnection. And if his body language wasn't a neon sign in and of itself to the disconnect he has between himself and his mother, everything she has said and continues to say puts further distance between them. "That uncle who took you fishing when you were small," when you were small. She hasn't seen Li Ming in years, she has no idea who he is as a person now, no idea what memories he's made since living in Pattaya. Li Ming is her child, so he will always be a child, and his current likes and interests and memories must surely still be tied to his childhood. Because she only knows Li Ming has he was, before she lost left him

Ok, I know I say this every time, but Fourth is such a good actor, there is so much more darkness and anger in Li Ming than in Gun and I always have to remind myself he's playing both characters. And right here, I want to ask Fourth what Li Ming is feeling. Is he lying or is he telling the truth? Is he scared of what is coming next? He knows what will happen, he knows what is coming. Does he lie about not remembering P'Tong to try to drive the knife in a little? Or does he genuinely not remember and it's a good indication that Jam will have to work very very hard to brighten up the relationship between her and her son?

We love the incredibly human characters that are in this show. Li Ming's mother does actually care about her son's opinion here. She wants him to know that she is thinking of marrying P'Tong. I do genuinely believe that, that she is seeking permission here from Li Ming, regardless of whether P'Tong was the one who suggested it or not.

Zero tolerance for bullshit.

I know Li Ming as a character is very willing and able to call out the injustices he sees, anywhere, anytime, with anyone in any position of power. But God, (sorry this is getting too personal) it feels so satisfying some times to deliver a cut like this to a parent.

Li Ming is still not buying in to it, so Jam is being more intentional about what she is feeling. Jam wants Li Ming's opinion, or...she wants Li Ming to absolve her of some of her guilt and her hesitations and her worries.

ZERO! TOLERANCE! FOR! BULLSHIT!

God. His face in this whole scene is great, so detached from everything, he is giving her as few emotions as possible. It's cold, it's distant, his physicality bears the emotional distance between them. It is so so different from his confrontations with Jim. Someone he is also very clearly willing and able to talk back to. To get punchy with.

When Li Ming is mad at Jim he gets close, as close to him as possible, right up in to his face.

When Jim gives him a command "don't raise your voice at me," "I said stop." it does take a few attempts but Li Ming does listen. Does calm down. Does apologize. And even after his uncle has constantly, sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes for safety, over-stepped Li Ming's boundaries and autonomy, Li Ming still often checks in with Jim. In the confrontation with Heart's parents when Heart runs upstairs, Li Ming looks to Jim (in my mind seeking permission) before he runs up after him.

But crucially, Li Ming trusts Jim, Li Ming loves Jim, Li Ming knows Jim cares about him and as a result, he gives Jim his whole self. He calms himself down when Jim tells him he's crossed the line, he goes to Jim's birthday party, he apologizes to Jim. He tells Jim what is bothering him, and while that often ends in an argument, Li Ming is fully willing to be honest with him.

"If you want me to say it's okay, just say it,"

Jam does not get the same honesty. Whatever he can do to just finish this conversation sooner, he will do. Whatever Jam wants him to say so she can feel better and he can get more distance between them, he will say.

Oh. I can see how easy it would be for Li Ming to fully believe it was P'Tong who actually decided to consider Li Ming's feelings. Not hers.

Straight to the point. Just say what you mean, just tell me what you want, stop dragging this conversation out.

He looks...absolutely the same. No emotion. Closed off. There is no excitement, no hope, no joy. This is not good news to him. This does not change anything between them. This does not make him love his mother more, or make him feel more loved by his mother in return.

"My life is more comfortable now, you know? You're about to graduate from high school. Maybe we can be together again." Now, we all know that Li Ming is not interested in going to college, he wants to leave, to do work and travel. But his mother doesn't know that, we'll get to the sentence immediately following this one in a second but I just...I can't help thinking about whether or not Li Ming would even live at home if he did go to college. How much parenting would she really have to do. How much of a time commitment would she really be putting in?

We know Li Ming has desperately been seeking freedom and understanding. He has found understanding by way of Heart. But the freedom from poverty? He now has that if he goes to live with his Mom. She's living a comfortable life. But he doesn't want it. Because fundamentally, more than anything else, Li Ming wants freedom to make his own choices.

And see, here is the thing. "IF YOU WANT to continue your studies," she's giving him a choice here...technically. But Jim and Li Ming have had this conversation already. Jim and Li Ming have already had this fight. Going back with his mother would not solve any of his problems, and in fact creates more because it separates him from the community he has here.

"Why do you all decide for me? Nobody bothers to ask me first."

Now, in the first place we know there is no way in Hell Li Ming is going back with his mother. There is not a second in this entire interaction that Li Ming even entertains the idea. He does not love his mother, he does not want to live with his mother, his mother has no clue who he even is as a person at this point.

And in the second place, he would be facing the same exact problem he has right now. People aren't asking him what he wants. They aren't treating him like an adult. And yes, as you get older, you realize that people were doing their best, and as you get older you realize that it's difficult to successfully balance when you need to protect or guide young adults and when you need to let them make their own decisions. In the conversation Li Ming has with Jim at the end of Episode 5 after they return home. Jim asks "What if something more serious occurs to [Heart]?" and Li Ming replies with "I never think it would happen," and that is what Jim is trying to shield Li Ming from. And all Li Ming is asking for is to be allowed to learn from those moments.

Okay, tangent over, back to Li Ming and Jam. Where we have seen Li Ming be cold, near dissociative, and definitely detached through most of the conversation with his mother. But this, the lack of autonomy he is constantly facing by his family, is Li Ming's biggest sore spot. And he has been bravely trudging along through a conversation he does not want to be in, where he is being met with just so much kindness that lacks so much understanding of him, that he is ready to be done.

But this is not the reaction his mother is expecting of Li Ming, again, because she hasn't been here for this. We have. Jim has. We know that this is a sore spot, and we know that Li Ming has already been in a very emotionally charged argument about this with his uncle before, and I doubt he really wants to do it again.

"Isn't it good to have options?" because she is confused. Because she doesn't know that Li Ming has chosen his option already. That his choice is to leave. And this question is double edged, though I don't think Jam realizes it. Isn't is good to have options? To have college as a back up if you decide you want to go. To have me as a backup if you are tired of living with Uncle Jim. If you are tired of living here in poverty, in a community that accepts you, in a place where you have friends and you have love and you have connection. You can come back with me to live in a comfortable home, with a man that I don't really want to marry but will anyway, away from all your friends, away from the man that raised you, away from your community.

No wonder Li Ming hits her back immediately with "What do you want me to be happy about first?"

The face of a man who is very much not happy about any of this. "About your breakup with Uncle Sith, about your new boyfriend, or about you being well-off and having a comfortable life, and wanting to take me back with you?"

If anyone can remind me of the timeline with Beam, I would really love to know, because I want to know if Li Ming knew Beam, if Li Ming met Beam. How many people has he lost? How often is his mother breaking up with people? How out of the loop does Li Ming feel?

Babes, you didn't come here for Li Ming at all. The list of reasons you gave for coming to Pattaya, in order:

"P'Tong was in town running errands"

"P'Tong wanted me to ask you if it was okay if he married me,"

"I want to be with you,"

The reason you actually came to Pattaya:

Jim called and asked for a title, and you want to use it to get him to try to help you get your son to move back with you.

The face of a man who is absolutely done compromising his own feelings for his mother's.

And God, okay it is time to talk about Li Ming and eye contact. Because we know he is so so capable of keeping eye contact. When he fights with Jim his eyes are always always right on him. When he's with Heart, he's making as much eye contact as possible.

When he is with Jam, it is completely reversed, he makes eye contact with his mother as little as possible. Physically turning himself away from her at the end here. And she tries to be physically affectionate with him, to show her love for him, but Li Ming does not love his mother, and so he just sits there unable to reciprocate.

Lmao, me when my Dad tries to hug me.

Okay, so I started this whole thing by saying that I was incredibly grateful to this show for making Li Ming's mother kind, and for allowing Li Ming to treat her this way anyway, and for that to be okay. Warning, personal story ahead...when I was sixteen, in a fit of anger, my father said he could live perfectly happily without me, and it did irreparable harm to our already extremely tenuous relationship. The thing that even made me tolerate him was going to college and getting thousands of miles between us. And by the end of college our relationship broke down further, and then even distance couldn't save it. But, my father is incredibly charming and charismatic to the outside world. I do not love my father. And that is something I have never said out loud. Because I feel guilty about it. But, I do not love my father, and unfortunately, that's clear to anyone that sees us interact. Because I am Li Ming in my own situation. I am detached, emotionless, giving the shortest possible replies with no extra information. When my father ends his phone calls with "I love you" I do not say it back, because I can't and because I don't believe him. When my father hugs me, I do not hug him back. When my father invites me to dinner, and his girlfriend is there, I can't shake the feeling that it was her who suggested we all get together in the first place. Or if it wasn't, that he's just trying to show himself off as a good father to impress her.

And from the outside looking in, to strangers who do not know the history that has come between us, the history that has gotten us to that point, I look like the asshole. And it is something that I am painfully aware of. So this scene means a lot to me, because I have not seen this type of relationship between a parent and a child in any media before. Either the parents are great, or the parents are abusive, or the parents have been cut off because they are asking too much of their kids. I haven't seen my relationship to my parent accurately represented, and humanely represented. I do not think that Li Ming is being unfair here, I do not think that he is being cruel. And that brings me such relief.

#moonlight chicken #moonlight chicken episode 7 #moonlight chicken ep 7 #moonlight chicken the series #mlc #mlc ep 7 #moonlight chicken analysis #mlc analysis #p'aof #aof noppharnach #fourth nattawat #earth pirapat #best kittisak #lookwa pijika #liming #li ming #Loetphong Nueangna-uam #li ming nueangna-uam #jim nueangna-uam #mlcts #jim and li ming

[edoro]

so one thing i really liked about the episode is that scene where Hunter starts crying in the basement of the shack after Luz tells him he’s family and she wants to keep him safe

it just... it means a lot. it really resonated. i think it was beautifully done and am specifically deeply enamored of some of the less ‘traditional’ comfort scene aspects of it.

(under a cut bc it got long)

Hunter is a person for whom it’s never been safe to have or openly express emotions like that. vulnerability has always been dangerous. the Emperor’s Coven was a nest of vipers, his uncle was a manipulative emotionally abusive monster, and he’s always been viewed as a spoiled child who was handed a position he didn’t earn or deserve and therefore had to work twice as hard to be taken seriously (and no one really took him seriously even then.)

it’s never been safe for Hunter to cry. crying is a weakness. crying is something that someone can use against him. “i was never afraid as the Golden Guard” -> he repressed all of his negative emotions like fear, sadness, uncertainty, unhappiness, etc so tightly that he didn’t even consciously know they were there (meanwhile it is obvious to the viewer that Hunter is both miserable and terrified pretty much 100% of the time) and didn’t have to acknowledge them and could avoid expressing them in order to survive an extremely dangerous, wildly unsafe situation in which his actual life and physical health/wellbeing were at stake

this is a pretty common reaction to a prolonged, inescapable traumatic situation, especially one where any displays of emotion are used against you. you shut down, you numb out, you learn how to turn your feelings off or bury them so deeply that you don’t even know they’re there, just so you can get through it, and often while you’re in the situation you feel like you’re Basically Fine until you’re out of it and can recognize, by contrast, how intensely miserable you were

anyway though the point is that Hunter is someone whose vulnerable emotions are very tightly repressed, and in that moment, he just completely loses control over it. he’s scared, he’s away from his abuser, he’s been slowly learning how to enjoy things and actually like his life instead of just enduring it, and for the first time in his life someone just offered him unconditional acceptance and care

it just really resonates with me! like it’s SO heartwrenching what makes it happen, how unloved and unwanted and unsafe he must have always felt before, but also... i like how quick it is.

how he tries to keep it under control. the way he looks away, how he doesn’t even blink, how he tries not to let her know he’s crying and STARTS crying very quietly until a sob slips out and he can’t help it anymore

how it’s just this quick intense burst of sobbing and then he gets it back under control, because he’s had to learn how to do that, how to quickly put the metaphorical mask back on. very relatable - when you’ve been through the kind of emotional abuse Hunter has, it’s almost involuntary to do that, to just stop yourself from crying as soon as something breaks through the layers of repression to make you actually get to that point where tears come out

Hunter is still very early in his recovery process and when you’ve spent so long so disconnected from your own fear and grief, it’s HARD to let yourself feel them, and you can only handle doing it for very short periods of time before all those subconscious defense mechanisms kick in and make you stop again

and i love the way Luz just... lets him be. Hunter doesn’t like being touched, he doesn’t like being grabbed, he clearly struggles to talk about things that affect him deeply or hurt - for him, it wouldn’t be comforting if Luz tried to hug him or talk to him about it. what she does is give him emotional and physical space, while still being there for him, and she offers him brief and easily rebuffed/escaped contact and lets him be the one to deepen it by leaning in against her - and she doesn’t really look directly at him, either, doesn’t force him to meet her eyes

she acknowledges it and comforts him without forcing some kind of discussion or confrontation on him, she lets him have space while still being present, and when it’s done she moves on without pushing or prodding or questioning him

as someone who would almost rather die than have someone see me cry and who DEFINITELY does not want to talk about it or be touched or really have it acknowledged in any way if i can help it, and who has had people in the past switch very quickly from trying to comfort me to getting mad at me when i told them what they were doing was making it worse, it just really means a lot to me to see that kind of scene?

like what Luz did was so caring and loving and comforting for him, it took his actual needs and desires into account, it means SO much to me to see that, it was such a good scene, UGH

#hunter toh #luz noceda #toh spoilers #toh spoiler #toh s3 #they mean everything to me.. #hunter is SO traumatized

[brsb4hls]

Sylki analysis eps 1 to 5:

Not trusting the the show they will pull up a satisfying solution in 50 minutes (with a ton of other plot) does not mean I'm not rooting for Loki/Sylvie.

I think the path Loki is on can be pretty awesome for me as a Loki fan, so it might be a great ending either way, but I still want a solution to Sylvie's arc.

That Eric Martin interview going around obvi caused some disconnect (with Sylvie hate on the rise again, not a surprise), so it might be worth looking at what we got so far.

Ep. 1

Loki is still shaken up from the evebts at the citadel. He is afraid of the Kang threat, but also hung up on his fight with Sylvie and tries to make sense of it. He didn't want to fight her, he wanted more time.

Their reunion is teased when we see Sylvie in the elvator, and Loki clearly emotionally affected by it.

The ep ends literally with: 'We gotta find Sylvie!'

Ep 2.

Loki goes after X-5 to get info about Sylvie, to find her. The narrative flow still makes srnse here. Sylvie is still one of his top priorities and Loki is even willing to torture to find her. (Preventing the Kang threat is still tied to finding Sylvie of course, but that does not erase Loki's emotional investment.).

When he does find her, that's where the whole thing shifts.

If you look at Sylvie the moment she sees him, you can see that she's shocked, afraid and immediatly pulls her walls up.

She is still very much affected by him, but doesn't let it show ('soft gets you killed' she can't be soft).

Sylvie works with Loki regardless, they combine their magic (after he basically jumped to her side).

After the initial threat that brought them together for this is gone, the drama starts (cause you got to have drama, right?)

Loki wants Sylvie to stay. She doesn't.

And Loki is clearly hurt by that.

Ep. 3

The drama culminates. Loki and Sylvie both want different things. Sylvie still advocates for free will and fighting a threat when it arrives (Victor as a Kang variant), Loki is for control and preventing the threat beforehand.

Sylvie still cares about Loki and challenges him, by asking him: "Do you care about anything but the TVA?"

He could say: "You" and resolve the conflict. But he doesn't, because Loki does not realize that's what she wants to hear, so he steps back and gives her space, thinking it's the right thing.

At that point, they could dance around each other forever.

Ep. 4

The conflict gets adressed. In the pie room scene they both make their opposing view points clear. Loki voices his frustration. He is clearly pissed when he assumes Sylvie takes the "easy" way. That's not what he hoped for.

He wanted her to work out the "hard" way with him together.

"We are Gods". Both of them. Sylvie also has a responsibility.

Sylvie does not argue that point. Or run.

She ponders and follows Loki out of the room a bit later.

Ep. 5

Further adressing of the conflict. Sylvie still argues in favor of free will. She does care about the variants and wants them to thrive on their time lines, she is not as emotionally attached to them and can be more neutral.

Loki has formed emotional attachement.

So he does care in a more selfish way.

They still don't resolve the issue, because Loki only admits his desire to be with his friends and doesn't include Sylvie. And it hurts her.

She tries to be neutral, to encourage Loki to write his own destiny, but the way face falls is truely hard to watch. In the end she can't keep her wall up anymore.

She reflects at the record store. If she didn't care about Loki she would not have needed to soothe herself with music.

The song, similar to "kozmic blues" at the end of 2x2, is about losing everything and being free (but possibly able to get back on one's feet again). But it's a blues. It is a sad way of living.

Sylvie does not want to get attached to avoid hurt. But she is not happy with that.

When she realizes the tva's failsafe kicking in, she goes straight to Loki to help again. That's a constant in the whole second season. Sylvie does not want to control, but she also does not want people to die.

She always helps, but in a neutral way, opposed to Loki's approach.

There is a weight to Loki's and Sylvie's interactions in 2x5.

She is the last one he seeks out, because she is a) important to him and b) he dreads the emotional fall out.

Sylvie is also the last one to dissolve and the first Loki slips back to.

The last soundbit he hears is her question: " What makes a Loki a Loki?"

Both of them are Lokis and will have to figure that out.

He manages to control his slipping because if her and then realizes he is able to focus on all of the people he cares about, hence the 360° turn he takes, that lands back on Sylvie.

So logically, 2x6 should finally resolve the conflict, adress their emotions and have Sylvie learn to trust Loki.

They would work together and balance each other out as different aspects of the same personality.

So it does make sense.

The disconnect imo stems from the fact, that some straight men of a certain age don't know how to fucking communicate properly, so their characters don't know either.

It could still end in drama, but Sylki endgame would still make sense narrativly. The narrative is just pretty damn bumpy.

#loki #loki spoilers #loki disney+ #loki speculation #sylvie #Sylki #or Sylkie #analysis #saying it again #disregarding Sylvie's emotions is disregarding Sophia's acting #please look at her #it' all right there

[noa-ciharu]

I have a question why is Karen Kasumis tarot justice?

I think it's because of couple of things (like being logical, trying to be fair etc.) but mostly due to disbalance of how she views others vs how she views herself. Keep in mind X is very dark series. Most of characters fit descriptions of their reversed arcanas as well (like Kakyou or Seishirou for example).

Blindfold in Justice card is often meant to symbolized unbias but combined with chains and restrains here I think it's also meant to symbolized powerlessness to move from one's maladjusted seemingly logical but actually flawed views. On weights we see flame (symbol of why she was shunned and demonized her whole life) and feather (could symbolize freedom but I think in X context it's more about fate of the world matters; which once more can be tied back to matter of freedom, fate vs coincidence). Same powers which give her ability to protect those she cares about also hurt her and chained down to maladjusted mindset. If it weren't for the fate she wouldn't have those powers and wouldn't be dehumanized. If it weren't for powers she wouldn't have found herself in situation she is in X. So where coincidence begins and fate ends? What's the cause and what the effect? Anyhow connection exists, and justice is all about colerations and balance.

One of Karen's major traits is that she doesn't want to burden others. Here she'd rather put herself in jeopardy than let other Seals be in harm's way. Why? Because according to her words 'noone would weep for her'. That's why she drugged Aoki in this scene so he doesn't go to defend a Kekai and dies (and leaves his wife and kid alone). What she failed to realize that if she dies, someone would be sad. Aoki told her so much later on. I'll return to this ideology later on.

In similar fashion she's concealing her emotions from Aoki because she doesn't want to burden him. Kind of her, but once more she's purposely suffering on her own just for sake of someone else. Karen is kind, compassionate, empathetic, understanding but only towards others. She never treats herself with that compassion. That's probably result of her messed up childhood and having to raise herself up pretty much after her mother died. Given how her mother regularly blamed her for her powers and called a demon because of same, no wonder Karen has no sense of self-worth. Later on she became a sex-worker and whilst none of her work hours were shown it's safe to assume she's being treated more as sex object than human being there. Once again, lack of compassion towards herself. Still, as she's a kind human being, she offeres that compassion to others - disbalance

She has two major connections throught the series: with Aoki and Nataku. Let's go through Aoki first since situation is more clear cut. Beside being the first one to show her kindness and admit to care about her, I think what attracted Karen to Aoki in the first place was stability he has in life. He has a family, stable job, life outside whole apocalypse mess - something she doesn't have. We've never seen Karen interact with someone who isn't involved in end of world business, I think it's safe to assume she leads life emotionally disconnected from others (or more precise, compassion is one-sided where she gives and gives but gets nothing in return). Also she's the only Christian character in the series (given how cross she holds looks like safe to assume Catholic Christian); christianity itself is deeply rooted in glamorizing idea of suffering for greater cause. Perhaps Karen herself believes she's a better person by not sharing her burdens and suffering in silence because she appears more resilient than way; nonetheless she needs something to keep her going in life and it can be her faith.

What's interesting is that Karen immediately felt connection to Nataku. It's the resembled, the empathy evoked based on echo of one's own past. Karen said so herself during vol18, Nataku has same eyes of a lost child she once had. She was drawn to them (I'm not sure how to refer to Nataku so I'll roll with they/them) because she saw her past self in them. That's why she's so bent on reaching Nataku's heart and making them realize they're human being capable of feeling emotions. Their pasts are also similar. Nataku grew up in a lab where they've constantly heard they're human-like creature with no emotions and one and only purpose: to be involved in World end business. Karen has been dehumanized all her childhood by her mother as well. Of course there was resemblce, no wonder Karen referred to Nataku as a child despite them looking like a grown up. Deep down Nataku is akin to lost child. But so was Karen long ago.

Again, it's interesting she chose to help someone who resembles herself but not herself per se. Maybe it was cathartic to show Nataku compassion and connect with them, maybe Karen deep down felt like she was helping her wounded inner child as well. Maybe being compassionate to Nataku is closest to being compassionate to herself she can get.

Alas, relationship with Nataku ended on tragic note because of their suicidal wish. Here Fuuma is trying to make Karen see the truth: if killing is such unforgivable crime, why is it fine to wish to be harmed yourself? Karen herself told Aoki in vol13 that agreeing to not weep after someone close to you dies is promise you should never make - then went out to defend Kekai herself where she could have potentially died. Just so she could protect Aoki. Nataku did the similar here: they loved Karen so much they'd die for her. That's a fatal flaw most of X characters have: they lost themselves in love they feel for others to the point where they failed to realize by letting themselves be harmed they ended up hurting their loved one. Fulfillment of such wish leaves noone happy.

If Fuuma turns out to be Judgment card, then this convo of theirs would be interesting since Judgement is about analysis of what dwells in own heart, wheras Justice is more about analysis of surroundings. Fuuma is trying to point out something about Karen herself and in turn she's deflecting that introspection while trying to find an answer in surrounding (examples of other people). She's biased in her judgemnt since she'd protect others while not caring about what happens to herself.

Nonetheless I'd say Karen is on right track to figuring out why her logic is flawed and that she can't protect others before she wishes to protect herself alongside too. Balance between compassion towards others and compassion towards oneself must exist for relationship between two to be stable. In any relationship two must be equal and same rules must be applied to both sides. If she realizes message Fuuma has been trying to convey then maybe she won't meet a terrible fate by the time X ends.

#thanks for ask #x/1999 #karen kasumi

[unreadpoppy]

Personal vent under the cut bc the depression hit hard

I don’t want to say I had a bad year but I had a terrible 6 months. It feels like since June I can barely catch a break. Both of my grandmothers passed away and although I didn’t have a relationship with them, it was a hit to the family. My aunt discovered and had to do a surgery for a brain aneurysm the day after my grandmother’s funeral. My paternal grandmothers house was robbed and we had a box there that was full of all the photos she had in her house, we were going to bring it to ours once my aunt was better, but the robber fucking ripped all of them.

All the friends that I made in college disappointed me again and again, and my friendship with them has thinned out to the point where they don’t even really acknowledge me when in public but I don’t know what I did to make them act the way they did towards me.

I left my psychiatrist, went to a new one who gave me medication that made me vomit twice in college, so now I have no psychiatrist or meds, and I’m reluctant to go to another one and it sucks again.

I feel so unappreciated and I hate that I need to have external validation for me to feel good about myself, even though I know half of the things I do for others never receive a “thanks Brenda”

I feel disconnected from my own culture even if it’s the only one I’ve ever known and it sucks.

My self esteem took a big hit in the beginning of the year and I don’t think I’ve really recovered since and my parents sure don’t fucking help because even when I’m desperately crying they put the blame on me or they’ll shout at me

I feel like I can’t do a thing without being criticized by my family

My brother did something that really hurt me emotionally and when I tried bringing it up to our parents it was brushed off and I was blamed for it and I’m still hurt by his actions

I hate that I feel so much jealousy

And I have so many other things to say but mostly sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore and why do I feel the way I do most of the time and what the hell do I want to do

#I know I need to desperately see a psychiatrist #but the last two were awful #and I just I don’t know #personal #vent

[alyjojo]

Family Ties 🤍 - July 2023 - Gemini

Overall energy: 8 Cups rev

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem.” Apparently that’s going to keep being the thing in my head when someone is the problem. In this case, it’s you dear. Judgement hopped out of the deck like five times during the preshuffle, and I’m getting that it’s your judgement of your family that’s caused a lot of pain. I gotta say, everything I’ve pulled in this reading so far reads like one long guilt trip. I personally am not a fan of that whole tactic as a means of coercion, it’s manipulative af, and you showing up as Queen of Swords probably agree. That could be something you deal with regularly. But for Spirit to communicate from this angle, it could be showing you as kinda cold and ruthless…unaware of the effect you’ve had on these people, thus the messages of hurt, shock, and heartbreak are what’s needed to be said more than anything. Idk & I don’t judge you 🙏

For 8 Cups to be rev shows it was once upright, and every row so far highlights you having left the family behind. I don’t get why, or who did what, just what it did to everyone. You probably cut them off altogether and stayed away for some time. Whatever you were hoping to find never materialized, you waited around for some time, for nothing, and now feel insecure and…like you’ve got your tail between your legs, about coming back around. Having to be held accountable for this Death. You don’t regret leaving, you regret that it didn’t work out, which probably isn’t what you should be feeling. Spirit, and your family, want genuine remorse. You’ve made these people feel like you don’t care about them. I don’t get that exactly, but I do get a “holier than thou”, know it all sort of attitude, and an “out of sight, out of mind” personality. You don’t feel remorse because they’re not directly in front of you, or haven’t been. Emotional detachment the a gift & a curse of all of the air signs.

Mother: 5 Cups & Queen of Swords

5 Cups is heavily focused on all that’s been lost, not paying attention to what’s still here, 2 Cups with your father. But she’s lost you, and it’s absolutely devastated her, 10 Swords. Dad has similar feelings, and the love between them is genuine. Mom is still trying to heal from your sudden absence, maybe also some words that were said before this occurred. She only wants you to come around again, at least to talk with her, being disconnected from you is one of the saddest and most painful things she’s ever experienced.

Father: 2 Cups, The Hermit, 4 Wands

Dad is probably more of a practical kind of person, he seems like a “stereotypical” man, when things are emotionally rough, he puts more effort into his work and keeping busy. He’s happy with Mom and the home they’ve created together, but he feels lonely, a lot. He’s probably the strong & silent type, but just because he doesn’t say things out loud doesn’t mean he isn’t hurting over them. He also may have dealt with a very serious work injury, accident, or event and has been home bound because of that. If you know that, and haven’t come around to check up on him, it makes him sad. He also has 5 Cups, with The Tower. It’s hard for him to express these emotions, but with your Mom it seems much easier for her, and he just mirrors everything she feels. He misses you.

Siblings: Knight of Cups & 7 Wands

I get one, and they’re a really sweet kind of person, the kind to give you the shirt off of their back if you needed it. They’re mad at you, probably because they’re sad too, but it comes out as mad. They’re also really smart, logical, balanced, and fair. They think what you did is bullshit, reckless, impulsive, and immature. It’s stupid you don’t talk to them at least - in their mind. They’ve got 7 Wands & Justice, they know they’re right 💯 They are someone willing to sacrifice for those they love, and are very kind normally. They don’t know why they can do it and you can’t. They could be Libra or have a dominant placement there. It will probably take some effort to heal this connection because their sadness & love are masked with anger & defensiveness. These are probably the hardest ones to overcome. Are they upset? Absolutely. Do they love you? Yes, that’s why they’re mad at you.

Grandparents: The Fool & The Hierophant

Either they got married very young, fast, and impulsively, and have just stood the test of time…or that’s why you ran off. Impulsively got married? Probably didn’t invite anyone, no one was involved, never spoke to anyone again? They’re also angry & disappointed. Specifically about the wedding if there was one, they would’ve liked to celebrate you, meet your person, etc. They’re old fashioned, you should’ve gotten gifts, had a party, family traditions and celebrations mean a lot to them. If you didn’t get married in a church, or have religious elements involved, that could be an issue with them too. I heard “Jewish”, that may or may not apply, moreso a specific custom or religious ceremony perhaps that’s dear to their heart. And maybe yours too, this does feel impulsive. Whether you did or you didn’t actually get married, then you probably ran off with some person, and you didn’t include them, call or come over. Their point of view is similar to everyone else’s. One day you’re here all of the time. The next, who and where is Gemini? They’re gone. Do they care?

Spiritual Ancestors: 4 Pentacles & 8 Swords

This message has a spicy 🥵 bite, idk if you have an ancestor that is sharp as a tack in their speech, cutting right to the point. I kind of get that they’re like you. Or whoever you were always told you were most like I suppose. You hold on tightly to your position on things, you’re stubborn, narrow-minded and full of bologna, is what I’m getting. You keep yourself trapped in a situation of non communication because of…nothing. You pretend to be blindfolded but really you tied it yourself, self sabotage. People really want you to open up and communicate. What Gemini doesn’t?? You could have some dominant Taurus or fixed placements with all of this stubbornness I’m getting on your side.

6 Pentacles is equal give and take, they want an exchange from you in the form of a conversation! I’m getting clear message of you pretending to act confused, avoidant, like you don’t know, yada yada excuses, and the message here is showing if you can be Queen of Swords, truth, communication, chatty and fair with most people, then you can also “cut the crap” and have conversations & connections your family. Whew 😅 damn. Even Spirit is defensive with you Gem. Even if your point of view is I married xyz in this way because of abc, sure but say that. I’m strongly getting no one here did anything wrong, it’s just differing perspectives, and they’re all looking at you like whaaat gives? I’m sorry Gem, this message is dragging your butt across sharp rocks fr, probably to prepare you for what to expect, because you’re being told to head back towards your family. They can’t know your side until you tell them, and you may want to avoid it, but you’ve got a whole group of people that just love you more than they judge you & they just want you around 💙 Overwhelm in the Oracle makes me laugh. No shit right? I’m overwhelmed just doing this reading 😆 Good luck!

Oracle:

Overwhelm

The hard work we love can leave us feeling burdened, drained, and burnt out, among others problems.

Reflection

Time to focus, balance, reflect, and guide yourself past stumbling blocks to take the right actions.

#Gemini tarot reading #family ties #July 2023 #Gemini #tarot #free tarot #generational trauma #healing family relationships

[alostlittleriverlotus]

so my gf and I broke up/decided to be friends cause her romantic feelings faded. And nothing against her, literally I stand firmly in the "if you aren't feeling it, the relationship should be ended." It's just dealing with a lot of realizations that like: I truly am isolated from people.

(long rant, rambles and repeats myself a lot)

She still cares about me and we're staying friends, chatting occasionally, etc. But I knew if I distanced myself to cope with my fatigue and the fact I feel anxious around everyone except for MA no matter how close I get to them, it would end in this. I've had doubts cause she's never fully been able to support me the way that I need even if we were happy. We haven't truly had any problems since we were both in high school. A big reason I didn't break up with her is cause I wanted to fight for the relationship, but also I didn't want to lose her as a friend so I'm glad we're staying friends.

I'm mostly just sad seeing how...I just can't fit in around others. I get too anxious and awkward and it leads my romantic relationships to feel like friendships because my anxiety NEVER goes away no matter how long I've known them. I've dated her/known her for 6 years and still I was terrified of causing her to leave if I acted wrong. I do still love her, but I kind of accepted that us having a future together wasn't likely. It was small things like accidentally misgendering me once (one of the only times she uses my pronouns and she used the wrong ones), watching a Blaire White video about kids faking mental illnesses (I think she just happened upon the video and watched it, but it kinda scared me that maybe she was a Blaire White fan or sumthn), and then just small things where we express emotions very differently.

I'm always going to feel disconnected from others and emotionally isolated. I'm always going to have anxiety with people like my now ex-gf (I'll start calling her T now I guess) and Ray and C. MA is the only person that I don't have that issue with.

The good news is that like, I can date MA finally. And I'm not overly sad about the break up, it's just left me with feelings about my relationships with other people in general thanks to my trauma and disorders. I'm not dating MA yet cause I need time to process and I want me asking her out to be perfect, but yeah.

Like my anxiety will never go away with people. I will always be frightened and feel like I'm living a lie. I felt I always had to play up my parts and please her to be worthy of love. Communication was just...never fully there the way I wanted it. I'm more relieved than anything that we broke up because I really couldn't see us together with the different ways we were going. I love more intensely than her and I'm also incredibly emotionally isolated and switch moods so often cause of disorders and being a system that I'm pretty dissociated overall. I knew I wasn't getting the support I needed.

None of this is against her, it's more just a set of circumstances/a reality of a situation. I always needed more support than she could provide and she was more demanding than I could handle (not in a controlling way, but a different needs way.) It just really hurts cause it's a reminder of how...limited love is for me, platonic or romantic. How differently I experience everything from other people including my close safe circle of loved ones.

I can't even begin to list every tiny thing I need when it comes to relationships, friend or s/o. But I know MA will work for me. She knows...everything pretty much and she's the one exception, the one single person, that I can truly be 1000% honest around. I'm overall happy T and I can stay friends. It's just a big reminder. I don't blame her at all cause it's just how love and relationships can be sometimes and I don't really mind it. I'd rather be in a relationship with MA at this point cause there...I can get the support I need for my physical and mental disabilities. MA knows what I need and we've communicated a lot and I can do the same for her. It's also just a "flaw" of mine (not really a flaw, but I can't find a better word) that romantic and platonic love is nearly equal to me. I'm in love with all my friends and would happily date any of them. Romantic partners to me will always be friendships but an extra level to it. And I guess it isn't like that for other people. I'm also just happy I can like...be free to explore myself a bit. I love T a lot and I'm glad we can stay friends in the end. She's a person I want in my life for as long as possible and I love listening to her rants. She needs more constant love and I need love on my terms with supporting my needs emotional and physical. We have a lot of differences and that's okay.

Just...the crushing reality of loneliness thanks to these disorders. I'm never too sad about having personality disorders to cope, but like...the isolation and how separate I am from most everyone including those in my life is...such an isolating experience. Everything I did, everything I perceive, everything I feel is inherently different. From autism to schizoid and narcissism, it's just...an amalgamation of experiencing things separately. And that's kinda why I like Tumblr so much. The PD communities on here help me feel less alone and more seen even if our experiences are still different, like, I get it. And even if I'm unable to interact with people cause of being terrified of other people, it's nice to see people that experience the world in similar ways. I have a mutual on the mental health app I use that is along those lines too and I treasure them greatly even tho we NEVER talk. I love my mutuals a lot even if I never speak to them. That's enough to make me feel happy, to see what they reblog and what they say.

Anyway, uh yah. That's my rant. Just a lot of personal feelings and shit. Lots of feelings about how I experience life and perceive things.

#actually autistic #actually disabled #actually traumatized #actually narcissistic #actually borderline #actually histrionic #actually schizoid #actually schizotypal #actually antisocial #actually paranoid #actually avoidant #schizospec #actually schizospec #psychotic #different perception #viewing life differently #alexithymia #adhd #disabled #mentally disabled #physically disabled #I'm a mess of disorders #personal rant #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #emotions #emotions are weird #I feel apathetic while also feeling happy while feeling isolated #nothing makes any sense #I'm fine overall

[deliverance-the-game]

.....

....

....

My heart has been struck

I just went and got stuck

On the sight of him

That I approached on a whim

That has my heart fluttering

While he's being mothering

I just played this and I adore you, Yi-feng. You deserve so much! And thank you for sharing your IF to the world. Greetings from the Philippines!

And if you don't mind, I was wondering what would the ROs do if the Messenger was corrupted? Are they willing to vanquish them for the greater good? Since I think I read somewhere along those lines in the story speculating this possibility of people being corrupted? (I wonder if I worded it right). I hope you can indulge this question if it's alright 😅

Oh thank you so much for the poem, it’s so lovely! Thank you for your love and greetings!

Corruption is an interesting way to see it. During one particular trial, you can let yourself be influenced by strange forces that seeks to sway you from the ‘good’ path. But that was a self-contained setting rather than an ongoing phenomenon. There are little choices along the way where you can choose to be more selfish or unkind.

Still, it’s an interesting idea to have the Messenger go down the path of corruption, i.e. willing to cause harm if it benefits themselves, doing whatever it takes to complete the quest.

Ishraq

He would not approve of their actions. Ishraq would try to dissuade them from doing harm and call out to the compassionate part of them, whatever that is left in them. If the Messenger still does not listen, he will emotionally disconnect from them even if it breaks his heart to do so. He would have left if he didn’t have a world-saving quest to see through.

Ishraq would not be unkind to them, but he would be strangely apathetic towards them and actively stop them whenever they do something he deems morally wrong. It hurts him to see them like this and be helpless to this change.

Deva

Deva would be worried for them. If the Messenger crosses a point of no return, they might cause unimaginable harm and jeopardise everything. Such extremes is not necessary, she thinks. She is all for thinking outside the box, but there come to a point where it goes too far.

She’d express her disapproval and doubt whenever they do something questionable - surely they could have found another way instead of resorting to, whatever it was. But she would not actively stop them unless they truly become a threat. If a push comes to a shove, she will find a way to finish this quest without them.

Yi-feng

Unless harm is done to him, Yi-feng isn’t too fazed by them as long as it gets the job done, which is to save the lands. He understands that sometimes survival calls for unconventional, perhaps even immoral, measures.

If the Messenger is to do something, driven by decadent motivations, he will watch closely and chip in if he feels it will help with their quest. But, he will give them a word of warning to not let themselves be swept away by their corruption and lose sight of what is most important.

Yeshe

Yeshe will be conflicted, especially if the Messenger’s actions help to move them along their quest. The mission is of utmost priority but they believe one must not lose themselves in the process.

They will get philosophical and introspective with the Messenger, trying to understand why they have gone down this path and plant seeds of contemplation in them. Yeshe believes one can be self-oriented without losing one’s values, and hopes to nudge the Messenger towards this road instead of letting them spiral down a path of no return.

#re-read your poem several times because it's so nice #so interesting to see my characters be perceived and written by someone else #and what an intriguing ask #ask #characters #interactive fiction #deliverance the game

[alanshee-keeper-of-realms]

My name is Alanshee Valera,

I've made mistakes I've made choices but I've changed sometimes not in the best way and honestly I feel misjudged right now,

I'm seeing a therapist and she answered a lot and there is going to be a astronomical amount of baggage needing to be unpacked with me, if you see me elsewhere leave me alone please during this time because your baggage may be amongst that.

This is why when things come back up, I don't know how to handle it emotionally this is me saying I am sorry, but I don't feel emotion and that has caused hurt sprinkling I don't know how to communicate properly and you got yourself a shitstorm

From birth I have had a stressful household and if you look at modern sciences on how bad that is for somebody, even in the womb affected by the cortisol levels of the mother, I learned at a young age to detach myself emotionally and this leads to problems my therapist is currently working on me to reattach emotions and reorganize my memories and emotions of each of these memories so I can actually feel them,

This is what led into the fight over these last couple of days, me genuinely not understanding why nobody was getting where I was coming from and utter confusion over the reaction of others.

If you don't know me personally, and they can lie about this if they want, but my truth is, I can't remember what I did two years ago. I'm like an amnesiac patient. How can one get better when they can't even remember what they did?

All I can remember is that Monday and the emotions of hurt pain and agony, especially when I look at the art and photos, each of them that I love and still do because somebody drew them of my beloved creations,

And at the time it was out of appreciation for my own creations, at least that's what I thought.

That same creator has now done what they have done and just added more baggage on top that I will now have to sort out with my therapist as I don't know how to make this situation out and I guess that's why I don't know when to stop,

I don't know that I can choose I don't know how to be human because from my young age I learned to again disconnect myself emotionally from any stressful situation and I'm not talking five six years old I'm talking one to two years old, all of my life

I've been like this so for now this page is abandoned I do know one emotion I am feeling right now and that is fear that is genuine fear because of Diioodles post I think they were looking for me to cry no I'm just afraid for my family my little sister my mother my father who did not ask to be dragged into this,

Even if you think that you didn't people are cruel and they've been dragged in before so yeah I feel genuine fear because I've seen what people of this fandom do to people they don't like, call me a pro shipper when I am a neutral and I will stand by the fact

Labels are stupid and lead to more fights Democrat Republican, anti-pro shipper what is the difference? All I see are two groups fighting. So why are we forcibly labeling people I didn't understand that at time I will admit,

When they said don't call us that, I immediately apologized again, the emotional aspect of disconnection. I don't think of the factor of the fights. All I know is that they were seemingly open to listening to darker subjects,

they need to look at themselves and realize that with me they had no boundaries and that led to both of us ending up hurt, because I was blindly fumbling around not knowing where their boundaries were and they didn't know where their boundaries were

For all of them,

All I knew at my core is I need to defend myself immediately because I have people attacking me that maybe she can't change because nobody took the time to realize that there's something blocking that change, like I said I'm in therapy now have been for a couple weeks we are still in the very very early stages,

It's just today that my therapist realized that we need to work on not only me recognizing my emotions but also digging into my traumas and trying to correct them put them where they need to be and help me actually carefully connect to them because my brain has them disconnected.

I'm sorry for the pain I caused but I would like acknowledgment in the future of the pain you have caused Diisdoodles like I said both of us hurt each other especially now that you have me afraid for the safety of my family, one thing I actually constantly care for because if anything happens to them I'm done.

And I'm sorry if this doesn't come across right again, communication problem this is just how fucked up I am, I don't know how to communicate how I'm feeling what are the core aspects of being Human, I only know the pain the hurt and the agony I feel

Whether or not you genuinely believe me this is my truth

[gedenktemori]

@jiwone asked: ❝ y'know: pushing boundaries isn't always a good thing. ❞ uh haha let's talk about the murder huh gent? maybe this is even WHEN they walked in on it... yeah.

[ haha. . . ha. . . oof. . . ; Accepting!! ]

"P-- Pushing boundaries--?!" Oh, Gent is baffled. struggling to find the right words at first due to the bullshit coming from Jiwoon's mouth. "Are you-- !! Are you aware of how much you're sounding like a HYPOCRITE right now?! You must be-- You know what you're doing right now, right?! You're-- You're aware of your own actions?! Right?!"

Gent is feeling dizzy in the head because of just how upset-- no, how angry he is. It's a lot. He does not get angry easily. It doesn't happen often because of it. And, thus, it becomes overwhelming when he does finally feel it. The feeling makes it hard for him to think. It makes him tremble and shake and unsure of what to do with his hands because nothing. Fucking. Works. Not a single movement helps with letting out the energy that builds up in his ( not even hecking alife ) body.

They take a shaky breath and their voice calms down a little. Gent isn't yelling, shouting, anymore. . . but the emotion is still very much there, noticeable in the way it cracks.

"You must be. . . You must be really hecking childish and emotionally immature and, most of all, foolish if you can't understand what I mean. If you can't see-- can't tell--" She makes a vague gesture to the injured person behind her boyfriend. "After all, you're LITERALLY pushing someone's boundaries right now. That's. . . That's obvious, right? Come on, you're smart enough for that. . ."

Finally, hands clench into fists at their sides. What they're feeling has turned into anger, disgust, disappointment-- resentment. It's suffocating, makes tears form at the corners of their eyes, makes them feel sick and oh so dangerously close to throwing up.

"Don't fucking tell me that you have a good reason for doing this. There's no way in hell that there exists one. If you belief there is one, then I have news for you: you're completely disconnected from reality."

Just for a second, it seems like Gent has disappeared, but they've simply teleported and are now standing behind Jiwoon, holding the person who was being tortured before. While she'd been talking, the person had bled out and passed away-- she intends to make sure they are found and get a proper funeral.

"Since we are talking about boundaries, let me tell you what mine is. I REFUSE to date someone who does something like this. I REFUSE to be with someone who hurts others in such a disgusting way."

One last thing is said before he teleports away for real, holding the biggest victim in all of this.

"It's over."

#jiwone #[ gent & jiwoon ; jiwone ] #[ gent ; ic ] #[ gent ; main verse ] #torture tw #emetophobia tw