#shes not 25. she cant rent things

[inkskinned]

you know, the light that fades at the end of Goncharov isn't light.

i am not a very good person to talk to about movies. i haven't seen most of the "official" american canon - jaws, psycho, citizen kane. i have seen sharknado, though. like so much in my childhood, what i knew was a little jar on a long shelf of gallons; my world was a catholic desert in new england weather.

my father had gotten his snout up about something; so we had to watch it. he was mad we hadn't seen it, the way people are going to be mad i haven't seen those three up i named there, as if i me having-not-seen-the-movie was because i was making some kind of political statement or argument. i just haven't seen them yet, i have no opinion about it. i'll eventually get around to it, god be willing.

during that time, i was doing bad in school and worse in taking care of my body. i sat on the floor on this green pillow, one of the ones my dog eventually tears up. my dad typed g-o-n into the DVR with that slow methodical passion, the remote tilted so the "rays" or whatever would somehow find the ever-smaller input.

he was excited. "you need to understand the light." he didn't look at me while he did it, focused.

"are you spelling gonorrhea." my brother, the eldest, was 17 in this memory. he was sitting on the chair in the corner, playing a game i can't remember the name of. (starfleet? star invaders? it was online, i know that. lots of clicking.)

my dad is used to this. we talk over each other all the time. "when they made it, scorsese wanted this specific hue over everything." my father looks over his shoulder at me, but i'm on the floor, stretching. i don't have a smart phone yet. i'm just watching with the anxious-restless feeling we all get when your father is painstakingly typing something into a virtual keyboard at an eighth of the speed you could have managed. "you'd like this, raquel. what color do you think he wanted?"

my mom comes in from the kitchen. "do we want salt or butter on the popcorn?" she has a handful she pops into her mouth. "wait for your sister to come upstairs. she'll be mad if she misses a part."

"salt," i say, while my brother says "butter."

"spruce." my dad is undeterred. he finally clicks the v, and then navigates over the red tiles to enter. "Spruce."

"okay?" i like dark green too. to be honest, i have no idea who Scorsese is or why he is important. (this is, by the way, still true.)

"here's the thing." my father doesn't actually click the "enter." he just looks at me, adjusting his glasses. "it doesn't exist."

okay. he's right. i do like this. i squint up at him, the signal to go on.

"it came to him in a dream. it's not a real color." my brother monotones, flat. he's heard this story before, and he's 17.

"i still say it's green," my mother says. she comes in holding the salt-and-buttered popcorn, fluffy in an orange bowl. "he just never painted a house, is all."

"it's a candle smell," i say.

"a tree." i don't know when my little sister came upstairs. she's braiding her hair, frowning. "i thought we were going to watch psych."

"it's old movie night," my mother answers. there's something there, in the cant of her smile, which i won't understand until i am much older. if you are over 25, you know what i saw. my mother, seeing her family settle like tired birds around a movie screen, for the moment placid, not-fighting. none of the children are happy about the selection - why would we be?

"Scorsese says it's not green." my father finally clicks rent for 2.99. "he was looking for this specific color, the one from his dreams. the color he had been told was called spruce, through someone in the dream." he looks to me again, his poet. "you know how dreams always feel... different. when you look back on them in your memories, they don't color in all the way. and he wanted that dream tinge."

the memories of my dreams are covered in colored static. sometimes i nightmare in black and white. i did not share this information, thinking it was too private. (forgive me. i was 14. everything was too-private for me.)

"a regular hitchcock," my mom mutters. we don't know, yet, not really, about what hitchcock did.

"he revolutionized the lighting industry. raquel, you have to look for the light in this thing. it's only in a few frames per scene. he didn't want it to be overwhelming."

"he fired like 10 people while he was doing it." my brother doesn't look up from his screen, clicking feverishly. "in order to get the color, he had to develop a software to switch lighting past human speed." he sends a glance towards the TV, kind of relenting. "it was cool, actually. he didn't actually light the room with that speed, he used one set of colors on the set and then another set specifically over the film. we're basically seeing two films: one that has the regular lighting, and then just this lighting track playing on top."

"like a sound list - ah, what's that called?" my father's remote hovers over play. i am trying to figure out what color i think spruce is going to be. "soundtrack," he amends. "are we all ready?"

"i still don't think it's real," my mother says. "i think he made it up for PR." my mother is good at colors. my mother would be right about that kind of thing.

"hon, he spent thousands of dollars on this." my father isn't angry, for once, he's smiling. "i'm telling you, it happens."

she shrugs. "i'll believe it when i see it."

we are not ready. we have to each find places to sit. i've been lying about how bad my eyesight is getting, so i keep my seat on the floor, close to the television. my mother, father, and sister take the couch. i make sure i am within reaching distance of the popcorn. my brother even kind-of closes his monstrosity of a laptop. then my mother has to use the bathroom, so we all do, so we won't have to pause later. then my sister remembers her homework, so i get mine too, spreading it uselessly in front of me. i slide open my verizon sidekick keyboard phone to text Dean who the fuck is scorkayze? [sic] and then we are ready.

my mom falls asleep by the end of the first 15 minutes. my father misses most of it, since he's already seen it, going downstairs to play World Civ instead. my sister doesn't get it, so she ends up at the dining room table, doing homework instead. my brother goes back to the video game.

i stare really, really, really hard at the film, trying to figure out where the spruce happens. a few frames per scene.

i don't like the film. like most movies i saw at the time, i found it boring. i had undiagnosed adhd. i spend most of my time stretching and texting and not-doing my homework. again, i'm sorry - i was 14.

when the "gun" finally goes off - if you've seen the movie, you know the scene, and i won't spoil it here for other readers - i looked back over my shoulder towards my family. all of us, quiet in our own little seats. satellites. did i want this memory to be different? that i would turn and see my family, happily crowded chickadees, our wings brushing? or is this just the real-life, the type of love where we are not nesting birds, but foxes. prowling the edges of our comfort with our jaws open. snapping at the shadows, wishing for the closeness we don't allow ourselves to get. tomorrow we will watch psych. this is the last year of my life that all of us will live under the same roof. my brother goes off to college, and my sister and i follow suit. it is the last year my grades don't matter. it is my sister's first year of middle school. it is 2007; and in 2008, in the recession, we will no longer be able to afford to turn on the heat.

behind me, on the television, the light was fading.

sometimes, when i think back to it, shifting through the memory: it appears out of the thin air. a frame of spruce. it's never around the movie. my father's hands on the remote. my brother's low voice. the sound of my sister walking up the stairs. the popcorn smell hanging in the air. for a moment, the sense - everything is easy. and you know? i think i see it, mr. scorsese.

#how far do we go for a meme? #haha :) #what if i just write about the death of childhood by accident #this was supposed to be 3 paragraphs but i just finished disco elysium #so i am too full up on words #ps most of this is true #i still haven't seen those movies lmafo

[jaemified]

sunshine - kwon soonyoung

“you’ll always be my sunshine in the rain”

pairing; kwon soonyoung x fem!reader

genre; fluff, drama, unrequited love

warnings; minimal mention of drinking, soonyoung and reader get rained on in the middle

wordcount; 1.6k

synopsis; the one who stayed by your side no matter how many times you got fired from different jobs, tells you no matter the outcome, you’ll always be his sunshine in the rain.

read below the cut !

you had just been fired from your third job within a span of 7 months. not that you really did anything, you were always a competent employee, just the fact your overly.. energetic (to say the least) friend group would always seem to forget they are in public when they visit you. and once your boss found out they were yours, you paid the price no matter how much you tried.

“im sorry. i know it’s not you whos personally at fault, but we’ve been getting to many noise complaints from both owners next door. so we have to let you go, im really sorry again.” your boss, minnie, had told you before firing you from the bakery.

i mean, it made some sense that there would be noise complaints as the people next door were a tutoring company and a book store, but why would you have to be the one to take the blame?

at the end of the day, they were still your best friends, so you tried to see past it. but you really needed the money with rent due soon, not to mention the bills on top of all that. ‘i really might need to cancel my netflix and hulu subscription..’

you do have a roommate, sana, who you of course are close with, but with her being in law school, she was barely home.

of course she paid her share as she was pretty financially stable not to mention she still slept there (sorta) often, yet you never could ask her for money. though you went to high school and finished college together, it still felt weird asking for money.

so you sucked it up and went job hunting online, texting some of your (other) friends if they knew any available positions in the retail industry.

after 3 hours, you gave up. it was about 5pm now, and you had been rejected by around 15 different stores.

you decided to take a break to eat, and made a quick sandwich.

you scrolled through your phone mindlessly, before you received a notification from the one and only tiger lover (you really cringed when he told you to make that his contact name), soonyoung.

hoshi; r u ok

hoshi; srry me and kyeom got u fired

hoshi; picking u up

hoshi; dress nice

hoshi; jk u always do

hoshi; be there in 25

you sighed at his sad attempt to cheer you up. of course, him and seokmin were your best friends (among other things) yet you seriously had no idea how to move forward career wise.

you thought of just not telling them where you worked but they always found out one way or another.

even so, despite the desperate need for money you appreciated all soonyoung did for you. if he wasnt able to support you financially, he definitely always would mentally/emotionally.

with a heavy groan, you drag yourself off the couch to get dressed as you realized the minimal time you had left before he’d arrive.

you put on a yellow dress with yellow frill short sleeves, as well as a random pair of white sneakers before grabbing your bag and phone just as soonyoung texted he was parked outside.

“is that the dress i bought for you a while back?” he questioned while he backed out the parking lot.

“yeah. just never really had the chance to wear it since i was always working.”

“im sorry about that, again. i know you aren’t exactly the most financially stable but just know you can always come to me if you need-”

“soonyoung- weve been over this, i cant just ask you for money. i could never impose on you like that.”

“its not imposing if im the one offering it to you. but really, i don’t mind. im more then comfortable money wise right now.”

“only cause you live in cheols basement.”

“its not a basement- its a bedroom below the main floor. and josh literally has his own room on the same level as me! you know what thats besides the point. but you get what i mean!”

“yeah- you’re a group of 5 grown men living in a small technically one story plus a loft house with a.. not-basement because none of you wanna pay bills on your own.” you chuckled, rolling your eyes as you let the wind blow in your face through the crack in the window.

“hey! you’re saying that like we all don’t pay our own fair share.”

“whatever. where are we going anyway.”

“somewhere.”

“no way. are you kidnapping me?” you dramatically gasped, putting a hand over your chest.

“stop talking or im dropping you off at the nearest insane asylum.”

—

after a good 15 minutes of driving, you realized soonyoung had taken you to the old park you used to always visit together, recalling all the fond memories while the rushed back to you when you first stepped out onto the grass.

you noticed soonyoung taking a smallish basket out the trunk before you connected the dots it your head — he had taken you onto a picnic.

“you coming? this basket isnt getting any lighter.”

soonyoung had brought all sorts of your favorite comfort foods, ranging from strawberry shortcake, to tteokbokki, and even spam musubi.

as you took a bite out of your slice of cake, you let out a little gasp as a bee danced around your fork, before eventually flying to crawl over your dress.

you immediately stood up to shake it off you, sighing in relief as you saw it fly away (thanks to soonyoung swatting it but youre an independent person)

“you’re that freaked out over a small bug?”

“it was a bee! i dont want it to sting me or get in my cake.”

“it only stings you if you attack it first.”

“you’re lucky i didn’t attack you. why are all the bees coming towards me and not you anyway?”

“guess the bees know who the real flower is.” he smiled, before digging back into his own food like it was nothing.

your heart melted at the little comment, but it was expected from soonyoung. you shouldn’t get all worked up from something so usual/normalized, you told yourself.

but if it was so normal, why was your heart beating so fast?

“that was a little sudden. what was that all about?”

“oh that? yeah i like you.” he shrugged like it was nothing, the words rolling off his tongue so naturally as if he was responding to the most obvious question in the world. like, what color is the sky, or, how the hell do you respond to your super cute best friend that you find attractive, saying he likes you but he just got you fired thrice??

you felt the air being knocked out your lungs, absolutely speechless.

“i only said it so naturally cause i know you don’t feel the same, you know,” soonyoung mumbled, seemingly reading your mind. “just kinda needed to get it off my chest.”

“soonyoung..”

“no i get it. i mean i can’t expect you to love me especially ive been such a bad friend. i knew you were struggling and yet i still got you fired. from three different jobs.”

“im really sorry.”

“no need, if anything i should be sorry.”

“you know i still really care about you, right.”

“course you do, its only natural, anyway”. he forced a smile, though he wasn’t quite sure what else he expected.

though, he supposed a small part of him was holding onto something, wishing maybe you could’ve been a little more.

coincidentally, you began to feel small raindrops against your finger tips. you looked up to see the once bright blue sky had turned gray and gloomy.

“that’s weird.. I don’t remember seeing any rain in the forecast..”

soonyoung immediately packed up everything as soon as he could the moment he felt the rainfall coming down harder and faster.

by the time he was done, you both were pretty drenched.

he dug through the neatly packed basket to grab his black denim jacket to wrap around your shoulders as he guided the two of you to the car through the rapidly shifting winds.

soonyoung was meant to drop you off, but you invited him in. despite all his personal protests, he still went in anyway.

you poured yourselves some red wine, sitting on the floor by the warm fireplace after the cold rain soaked you both.

“i dont know if it’s the wine talking but you are really attractive, even if i don’t see you the way you see me.” you slightly slurred.

“well. you know what they say, drunk words are sober thoughts.” he awkwardly chuckled.

“im sorry.” you drunkenly mumbled, your head tipping over to fall onto soonyoungs shoulder.

he quickly took your wine glass to put onto the coffee table behind you in order to avoid staining the fluffy white carpet.

“what for?”

“i still really care about you.”

“well. you’ll always be my sunshine in the rain, even if it’s only ever just as friends.” soonyoung whispered to you, pulling his jacket tighter over your shoulders while you let yourself be absorbed by your own dreamland.

#kpop imagines #svt scenarios #kwon soonyoung #fanfic #seventeen #svt fluff #hoshi seventeen #svt fanfic #soonyoung x reader #svt smut #hoshi x reader #svt imagines #seventeen x reader #angst #seventeen fanfic #kpop #kwon soonyoung x reader #hoshi svt #seventeen fluff #lee seokmin #dokyeom #jaemified

[littencloud9]

yosano and/or itadori for the character ask game?

omg the specialest people ever…

heres yosano

first impression: i watched bsd anime before i read the manga… so i thought she was that powerful sexy woman archetype 😞

impression now: AUGHHHHHHHHHH. HER STORY HURTS ME SO MUCH. also her ability is beautiful and more people should talk about it

favourite moment: her and chuuya’s fight was so funny to me. mlm wlw hostility. they should let her swing her big ass knife around more often

idea for a story: oh god its in my wips but basically its ranpo&yosano centric (for an event Haha) and yosano vows to never use her ability again, but one day ranpo gets hurt really badly and she uses it again and she spirals because shes afraid the same thing will happen with the soldier and ranpo will end up resenting her and. yeah

unpopular opinion: i. i think she would absolutely hate kouyou actually. and people should stop depicting her as the mom of the agency (shes 25 she should be at the club!!!!)

favourite relationship: her and ranpo are the most special siblings ever god i could CRY. i also really love her and chuuya. not in the way that i think theyd be friends but i want to lock them in a room together and see what happens

favourite headcanon: she has a belly button piercing!! also she brings kyouka and naomi on girl errands together and loves them both like theyre her little sisters <3

-

and for itadori

first impression: pink!! so precious!!

impression now: SCREAMS AND THROWS UP. someone put him in a slice of life anime NOW. i need to wrap him in a comfy blanket and feed him soup thats my SON

favourite moment: not animated yet but when hes in that bathrobe sipping from a wine glass but its just juice… thats my boy

idea for a story: ive never watched the movies but spiderman!yuuji lives in my head rent free. i think itd be funny if he could swing around everywhere

unpopular opinion: he is the Best mc in jjk ever everyone who says he isnt should shut up. hes so kind and so strong and aughhhsvsh

favourite relationship: i cant say itafushi thats cheating so. him and nobara i MISS them please please please gege give them back. ALSO HIM AND NANAMI. IT MAKES ME SO SAD. but honourable mention to him and todo #bruzahh4ever

favourite headcanon: hes a really good cook and enjoys cooking for his friends! i also think acts of services would be his love language. eg he organises megumi’s bookshelf for him, he carries nobara’s shopping even after complaining about it, he does everyone’s laundry randomly… i love him so much

#thank u for the ask <3 i love rambling #ask game #bsd #yosano akiko #jjk #itadori yuuji

[fowl-leaf]

my 2023 summary of art!

Template:here

still not consistently posting anywhere, but I like doing these. they're fun there's a lot of things i would've liked to include but had to exclude, due to not being shareable on this account. maybe i'll have more stuff next year!

this is long, so details under the cut

JANUARY silly lizard oc i generally dont do much single line hatching, so it was nice to fiddle with it this time

FEBRUARY the wittle scrunkly lizard last time i drew this one, they were an lps shitpost, so its nice to like draw them normally lol

MARCH herman is running out of time glasses axolotl but make him neon idk

APRIL fancy calico i honestly dont know whats up with the clothes, i just kinda drew whatever tbh

MAY yippie!! toontown oc! was playing ttcc w/shard and co, this is the character i ended up making i also got covid around april-march iirc so i was feeling horrid for a while (and the remaining symptoms didnt clear up till like june)

JUNE an oc i got years ago but didnt have the confidence to draw for a while lmao anyways i like her colors and shape, she's fun

JULY mandatory artfight posting this was one of the last ones i did! ocs belong to pookapooka and they were so fun to paint

idk if ill be doing artfight again tbh. ive been doing it consistently since sun vs moon but its honestly felt less fun ever since the tiktok invasion`and how ppls behavior has changed, and especially since the whole ownership thing that happened mid fight this year. (not interested in any of the alternatives ive seen either bc they have the same issues, notably worse issues, or are not furry friendly) but tbh that might just be me being disenchanted with online art spaces due to the intensifying shittification of basically everything, fucking rip

AUGUST ring but hes going to jail (again but for real this time) the staxie monthly prompt was barbie mugshots but i . . . i did this with ring and lumos and promptly forgor to do this with cakes and ale like i was planning to lmfao im actually gonna watch the barbie movie tonight, renting it so i can watch it on the big tv (didnt watch in theaters bc expensive (movie tickets are generally 15-25 bucks in my area (compared to the 5-10 in my aunt's area (renting is cheaper per person)), and they changed the chairs to these weird uncomfy pleather recliners that make my skin crawl to "justify the price raise" + i hate sitting for more than an hour i need water, bathroom, stretch, and snack breaks))

SEPTEMBER ganache went over the hedge was very busy w/projects so i did little casual art this was inspired by me comparing the over the hedge version of supermarket by ben folds (upbeat & high energy) vs the one by the clash (melancholy + commercial-induced agony) ever since then i cant stop thinking abt how much the lemon demon guy's voice sounds like the fucking clash guy sdjkhfkjsd also over the hedge was one of my favorite movies as a kid and i watched it at least 10 times before we had to return the dvd to netflix. i also regularly played the flash games on the site until i forgot about it after finding out about miniclip + notdoppler from other kids and decided to use those for flash games instead bc more options lol

OCTOBER dta img for a new oc i got, funny long neck budgie thingy busy w/projects again so little casual art had to use old mini tablet bc previous tablet was completely unusable fucking rip

NOVEMBER ganache + cactus pony, they want to know if you have any bubblegum. do you? busy w/projects again so little casual art doodle i made in heavypaint (one of the old layerless versions, i bought a lisence for it a while ago.) i got a new tablet on black friday since the mini tablet was horrible + my broken tablet was making me work very slow

DECEMBER ring in the void (this is lore accurate) or as nic put it, "fucked up twilight sparkle" lol busy w/projects + gifts so little casual art i actually sketched this w/the mini tablet, but didnt finish it up till getting the new tablet

---

for reading this far, you get to see amogus.

i would've put amogus whisper on the chart but decided against it since im not done with that one yet lmao

#summary of art #2023 summary of art #my art #oc art #no organization tags bc that would be hell

[energywarning]

What crimes have the cephalopods committed?

Crimes ? Except for wht could count as the war cwimes :

Eight(...8):

-Loitering

-Breaking and entering abandoned buildings

-More of something that evolves into a crime but eight ends up involved in fights every now and then cus shell just go to people and go like "hey you cant steal from this kid thats wrong". Or whatever and then well she gets in trouble slightly . Military/agent training comes thru tho lol perhaps a little too well.

At first marina was like oh well she just settled in inkopolis i will just explain it to her and itll be fine probably except that no shes just like this so she doesnt stop.

-Marina and 8 used to argue about it often but when she works at ammo knights and wants to take the rest of the week off or whatever shell just say "ok bye mr sheldon" and leave like immediately. Marina is like eight that man pays you for those days you cant just take advantage of that bc hes too scared of your friends and pearl. And me too i guess to actually fire you or like not pay you. But eight doesnt feel bad about it bc she thinks sheldon is kind of annoying... ("i dont even have a driving license why do i have to drive all the way to the middle of nowhere to pick up materials and stuff. Cant he get someone else to do it. Also people keep trying to break into the van while im in it to steal whats inside having to deal with this is tiring -_-. But complaining is bad")

Ripley(3):

-Living in an apartment whose rent she ends up not being to afford anymore because of that garbage salary+ not being able to keep up spending the like 5% free time left she has on battles to get a bit of extra cash. Past a certain point she just got evicted oops.

-Kind of kicked c.q cumber around like a foot ball multiple times which probably counts as some kind of crime but to be fair she wasnt the only one to do it so.

-Same thing w fights as 8 almost except she (most of the time) doesnt try to deescelate the situation she just decks them in the face to get it over with which is slightly more severe ig. "Ok kid here is your 3ds now dont go outside at night in these streets its dangerous bye"

-"uh miss.? are they like. Alive-"

-" i said Bye."

(Theyre not dead )

Alex(4):

-Leaked marie s phone number because she said something quite outrageous once

-Breaking and entering abandoned buildings as well actually her and 8 are silly goofsters sometimes what can i say

-got fined for making too much noise in her apartment multiple times. Whats the point of playing rave music at 25% volume amirite.

Marina:

-Doxxed a few people... dont fuck around w her precious pearlie online or smth

-Once again i said at the beginning im not counting the war cwimes but like yes i remember abt the military engineering yes

-Accidentally stole one of dedf1sh s records which is like such a non issue bc marina gave it back like the day after she noticed but ded is super fucking pissed off about it for like a month (they wanted to give it as a gift for a certain someone for a holiday of some sort hewhehe... obv you cant give gifts u dont have)

[hoshi-kawaii]

my anxiety wants me to plan for every possible thing on this trip but im not the one technically planning it so its very hard for me to determine what I can do to prepare without bugging the shit out of my siblings.

im already having issues with my sister who wants to go to an amusement park with the rest of the money my mom left us on our very last day before travel and I had to tell her that if that is the only day we can go you have to count me out because I cant do an amusement park then wake up at 5 am minimum to spend 12 hours traveling. Renting a 25 dollar wheelchair may make me more mobile during those few hours but it cant cure the pain, fatigue, and over-stimulation or the fatigue that comes after a weeklong vacation.

Idk how to tell her that I feel like we should try and find another activity. I have tried to suggest she ask everyone how they feel about going to the amusement park before we just spend the money but I haven't heard anything.

I just know we have neurodivergent members of the family who dont like crowds. and Im not the only member of the group with limited mobility. There are 3 or 4 others (including that sister's husband), who may not be able to handle that kind of thing on top of the vacation itself.

I know we have several free days too and if I don't sleep through them all, I want to visit Little Tokyo, so I at least did some research and made a list of places that I could visit there.

I would love to rent a wheelchair for the whoie week but I don't know if whatever rental car or cars we use will be able to fit people and luggage and a wheelchair. There are wheelchair rental places that will drop it off where you are staying so maybe it doesnt have to fit with luggage, but i just don't know if we could fit it anyway.

Next thing I want to do is research dispensaries because I'm gonna need a ton of weed. Last time I was in LA I got it delivered so I wanna look that up again and maybe figure out a way to have it delivered to my airbnb the first night.

[nahalism]

how are you feeling? -

i have been contemplating on moving to france or africa. in my spirit, i feel very happy about it but when i have to think about financial reasons, i panic a little bit. starting everything all over again can be slightly scary.

but i have an aunty who has a stroke. myself and my brother look after. and it feels like we might be ungrateful if we move out and leave her because the extended family believe myself and my brothers have benefited from her(we pay no rent and she took us in like her own)- she’s my mum’s older sister.

i have been doing this since i was 15years. i’m 25. her son lives with us but he doesn’t do so much. (not to be rude) i told my family i want to relocate and they don’t seem so happy, especially my mum and other two brothers. i have three brothers but i live with one and my cousin.

i truly feel so happy and free when i’m in africa. maybe the reason why i want to move to france too is because my mum lives there. but idk, will i be ungrateful to want to relocate?

do you advise to relocate even if you don’t have enough savings? but ofc i’m on a job hunt at the moment (applying in paris and in africa) - a well paying position.

i am partially unemployed (if that’s the right way to say it) i have savings. enough for a good three months but i feel i could do better. i’m so hard on myself right now in terms of not having a stable job. i have a degree in education but sigh it’s been a bit stressful getting a job.

sometimes the voices of people become so loud, which leaves me doubting my own voice and makes me feel like my decision and feelings don’t matter so much. i seek for answers from others when i know the answer is within.

i apologise for having you absorb this.

hey angel. im blessed, ive been going through some life things i cant lie, but all in all have nothing to complain about

dont apologise for asking for another perspective <3. my only concern is that you feel the voices and opinions of others are so strong that you often dont hear your own voice. as such youve almost answered the question for me, because my voice/ my opinion, although objective is still just another voice to consider. the only persons feelings who matter are your own, so the true solution lies in the conclusion you come to when youve had some time and distance from the situation & can contemplate it clearly. ultimately i think you already know what you want to do. youve damn near planned your way to living in africa/paris lol. perhaps you came to me to affirm that choice so you'd feel less guilty making it?

you shouldnt feel guilty. there are so many factors at play here. theres the culture clash of african mentality (communal expectation, and obligation of youth to their elders) and western individualism (living ones own life primarily for ones self). as such the choice boils down to taking on imposed responsibility (against your will/desire and at the cost of your freedom) and having the choice to choose your own path and find joy doing it (yet sometimes this path leads to the illusion of freedom but not the attainment of it)

if ive understood that part correctly then id agree with you in saying its not an easy choice, however it still comes down to the decision you can live with making, not just today, but in the future. i personally have had to make similar choices, and its never as cut and dry as it seems. no one should be forced to carry a burden they dont want to, especially when the option isnt to share the burden (giving you and your brother a chance to live your own lives) but rather to shirk the responsibility entirely on to the two of you. the price for your auntie raising you and sustaining your life shouldn't be servitude to her, it should be the reward of actually getting to live your life. that is how you thank her sacrifice. moreover it was her choice, her sacrifice. not a binding contract. she gave to you because she found it in her heart to. simple as, if you know your grateful, theres nothing left to proove. — she has siblings and family (i assume, from what you wrote) who are enabled to stand on the outskirts because you are carrying the burden of responsibility that they refuse to carry. if they're happy to watch you sacrifice, and let you feel selfish for not doing so, its because you doing what your doing means they dont have to do it. if that is the case — why would they empower you to leave when it would mean more responsibility for them? im not saying this to belittle, or judge them, just to make it clear to you that you should not be listening to them, or their opinions because they dont have your interest at heart.

on the other hand, your auntie does have your interest at heart, (since she raised you). consider your relationship with her and what as an adult, you would like to give her. is that thanks through care & comfort now that she ms the one who needs care, or is it allowing others to step up and care for her (you've taken your turn for the past ten years) and pursuing prospects you wouldn't be able to take on as a carer for her and her situation? this is a decision that should be made out of truth. not guilt and consideration of the past. when your in bed at night in africa or paris, consider if you will sleep easy knowing the decision you made and your reasons for making it. its very possible you moving will allow you to blossom (being away from what sounds like a stressful family situation) and that could bring unforeseen profit to not only you but those you live and care for. perhaps you moving short term, is best for her and your family long term? only you know whats within you. if you aunty still has command of speech its worth sitting with her one on one, discussing what you feel and hearing her thoughts on it. if she can give you her blessing no more really needs to be said and you moving doesn't have to compromise your relationship.

a question that might help you find your answer: is you leaving running away to some extent? is there no way for you to be who you are freely from where you are? what you are, what you feel, the thing that drives you, it finds you wherever you are the world. so just try to ensure your making your choices from a place of understanding, not escape, because you cant outrun or escape whats within you. holidays bring different fantasies than moving.

there are times i chose myself and it paid dividends. to have chosen another would have meant repeating a cycle and i decided that i was here to break the cycle. so i found peace in that choice. there were other times i chose myself only to realise i have no self without those who came before me. staying helped me build and mend, and grow in character & self knowledge. staying was what broke the cycle. it brought peace, harmony and love where there was none.

i know i couldnt give a direct answer, but i know you have what it takes to find the right answer for yourself, and the courage to act on it and excel at whatever you choose. dont let people pressure you. dont let people bully you. live according to what you feel & what you know is right in your heart. sending you my love and big blessings <3:*

#ask

[sapphosfriend]

Leave

Im not doing too good. It feels like I have no control over my life. I lost my job in February and am still fighting for unemployment. I havent been able to find a job either. Im qualified, I have experience, but I cant get past a phone interview. Its not the only place Im being ghosted. I cant seem to meet people in person and Im getting nowhere online. I try with my profile, good description. Summary up top and expanded upon underneath. Good photos with the only edits being to the lighting. Portraits and me doing things. I get likes, Ill match with plenty of people. I send quality messages and am left on read. I matched with a girl recently was on paper extremely compatible. Personality types and star signs were perfect pairs if you believe in that kind of thing. But our likes, dreams, contrast were good too. I sent 2 messages 2 days apart, no response and she unmatched me. I stand by the fact that those who want to be in your life will make the effort and those who dont wont. I will try twice and if you fall short twice without trying to adjust then I stop. It doesnt stop the pain, even here just being a lingering sting. Bad relationships in the past plus stress made me lose friends. Only 2 people I have that care are on the other side of the country with their own lives, and their own pain. We text but its slow. I dont have the money and barely have the energy to go out and try and meet people. Just trying to make friends. Im 25 and feel like I havent even had a chance to live. And Much of that is my own fault. Getting into and staying in abusive relationships. Trying to not be alive, and failing, and living with the aftermath. I barely get enough gig work to eat, and make rent. All I do is stay inside with just me and my cat or go to the gym. As much as I need quality people in my life I need to get out of this city. Its beautiful like my ex-wife. It pains me when I see it, and still love it regardless. Like her I need to walk away, but only for a day this time. I need to be surrounded by the world, not brick and concrete. There's no public transit to the beautiful trails of the Pacific Northwest, and my car caught fire a year ago, so I dont have the means to be with Her, the one who gave us life and meaning. The Earth. Im trying, and Im fighting. I know something has to work eventually. Maybe next year Ill read this and laugh at how silly I am to feel this way. And sure, some good has come in the midst of this, but its all underlaid with the pain of now. So its hard to not be sad when I think of it. In a year Ill watch the recordings of the TS concert I got into somehow. Ill tell my mother I love her, because we speaking again after 4 years. And Ill be so fucking happy. But that doesnt help the now be good. And to you, dear reader of a strangers pain; you may feel a concern for me, my safety. After all I did elude to previous self termination, but Im honestly too tired to think about it for more than a moment. I know pain will only make more pain, and know if I go all in I will fail like every time before. It wont help, so I wont do it. Healing is hard. And I will always have cracks, but part of healing is making sure they never open again. I think I sealed that one with gold. Ill never not see it, but I wont let the seal break either.

#pain #journal #grief #SH #writing #poetry #pretentious #love #hope #wanderlust

[sedatedisdead]

Fuck

Great. Life is Great *0bvi0us fukin sarcasm* br0ke as fuck, barely even have a j0b, n0where hiring, b0utta say fuk it n’ start pushin P so eye can pay my momma rent again. Eye g0t supp0rters, eye g0t a mini fanbase but wtf d0es this all mean in tha end when eye cant EAT 0ff wtf eye am doin. But these stupid fukin kids wh0 aint ever struggled 4 a g0d damn mf thing in their pathetic lives g0t tha fukin NERVE 2 hmu 4 free shit talkin b0ut “aye bruh u inspire me can u hop on this” but cant name 3 fukin s0ngs fr0m me. 25 and still d0nt g0t my license cuz 0f a car crash eye g0t int0 @ 17 that 4ever traumatized me smfh. Eye g0t my gf n’ shes amazing but my fukin brain sab0tages everything. literally gonna kms. My momma borderline dislikes me, my sister hates me, eye rarely talk 2 my father anym0re since he m0ved. My fukin cousin Catharsis livin 0n tha streets n0w, my cousin Michael missing like wtf is g0ing on. My j0b refuses 2 schedule me, h0m0ph0bic ass l0cals act like eye d0nt exist. Eye just wanna get MVXIE 0ff tha drugs, eye want all my h0mies to get 0ff tha drugs man. Eye just want Megan 2 st0p cutting, st0p starving herself n get better, breaks my fukin heart cuz shes s0 fukin beautiful n’ d0esnt deserve dat shit</3 All my friends keep dying n’ eye cant l0se anym0re. Eye kn0w eye relapsed last year but after dat slip up eye stayed clean. Eye just want this music shit 2 take flight, eye am exhausted, but eye cant stop and dont want 2. eye always think this is my 0nly way 0ut and eye sh0uld end it but eye always remind myself eye g0t kids that DM me and tell me their st0ries fr0m suixidal ideati0n, abusive h0useh0lds, self harming and any trauma 0r pr0blems they’re dealing with and.. if eye am n0t here.. they w0nt be either.. eye have 2 stay..

[philza-updates]

Phil was in Kristin's chat during her stream earlier!

[Image ID:

5 cropped screenshots of twitch chat messages by Philza. They read:

Philza: peepoWow french bread

Philza: that's not what a bite means

Philza: RainbowPls WineTime

Philza: cant cry every stream I would simply die, you all forced me to become dead inside :)

Philza: "have to" lmao

Philza: DonoWall "p hiLLLL"

Philza: I'm the tech guy that sleeps in your bed peepoSmile

Philza: Wokege me when sound issues

Philza: gonna start charging rent peepoSmile

Philza: DonoWall "hugs and kisses for the electric bill?" DonoWall

Philza: we should farm it KEKW

Philza: I got the games on my phone

Philza: this is corrupt

Philza: ye IanBealio

Philza: enjoy the diabetes and early kidney failure chat KEKW

Philza: for like 5 years KEKW

Philza: it was taking attention away from chat

Philza: KEKW

Philza: i stand up for the crows against the fake child we own KEKW

Philza: i want a kitty

Philza: shout it again @Misstrixtin

Philza: lol

Philza: we need a compilation of these

Philza: thats a basket

Philza: your mines stress me out

Philza: KEKW

Philza: the skeleton almost hit you off monkaS

Philza: HYPERS

Philza: the mother has that one kristin

Philza: you laugh, but she has that stars one

Philza: yeah she legit has the stars one

Philza: by the door haha

Philza: i think your spotify is doing that thing where it plays songs based off the playlist

Philza: switch it to the minecraft one i made ye

Philza: monkaGIGAftRobertDowneyJr

Philza: Wokege ear checks

Philza: skeppy uses a "derp" face, but because skeppy is so popular it's now known as a skeppy face

Philza: KEKW

Philza: KEKW

Philza: 25 i think

Philza: I will have forst dibs because I will be there with her when we do the contract thingy

Philza: FeelsBadMan

Philza: pepeW

Philza: monkaGIGAftRobertDowneyJr

Philza: this is brutal even by my standards

Philza: I used to have an uptime command.... and it got spammed

Philza: time limiot use doesnt help either because then people complain saying "iT DoEsNt WoRk, BoT iS BrOkEn"

Philza: and i was like nah, its not saying it asnymore because you JUST used it

Philza: and then people complain that whispers dont work because they have thier privacy settings set to be strict, so strangers cant whisper them (the bot) lol

Philza: no winning

End ID]

#ph1lza #philza #misstrixtin #trixtin #kristin #mumza #mcyt #image id #no id in alt text #sorry for how late these are i was too tired to sit down with these IDs lmao #mod luna

[drizzit]

#11 The Silent Blade

Start Date: October 23, 2021

End Date: January 25, 2022

Tweet: adventure!! ew why is regis acting like old regis Entreris back! Jaralxle is back! wulfgar is gone!! alcoholic and a dickhead ;; coup time >:) boat adventure wahoo!! there are Lolth priests? hey house oblodra I remberevery1 cheatsjarlaxle knew who...?

Card: 4 of hearts :: the first step to recovery is acknowledging there is a problem

9.5/10 the parts are put in the best way they could be, but its a mess. like how you put something in the freezer just well enough that it closes, but it will surely fall apart when you open it again.

Notes: HAPPY NEW YEAR in the time that it took me to read this I finished my first semester in college !! the new year started! and yesterday was the first day of the spring semester.. honestly I didnt touch this book since like the week I finished the last one rip ;; ty wraith for helping me get through it. you know I asked them about how they feel about leaving things unfinished and the way I thought of it was that I abandoned these guys - like they were stuck in there until I continued. wraith thinks its more like a play and pauses are like intermissions ;; cute I know 

lets start with this - wulfgar and Entreri are broken and aimless. coming into this they didnt know what to do with themselves. entreri was probably wandering around ever since starless night (the most we know so far is that he stayed in Silverymoon or some how got Silverymoon minted coins). he returned to Calimport cos, well, he didnt know where else to go. it wasn't until then that jarlaxle came into his life again and gave him a direction. actually jarlaxle is rly good at that - his band is full of competent drow males that individually wouldn't be able to stand, but under him well, bundle of sticks vs a single twig yk. entreri is the same 

Wulfgar... oh me boy, you poor soul. its not outright stated in the text like it is later in epilogue on Catti-brie, but wulfgar was most definitely raped via succubus torture during those six long years that might I remind you just RECENTLY ended, like maybe a month or so ago. the gang love him, but not him. They all got to grow and they saw each other grow and change, but in the absence of such for wulfgar,, they still expect that young man that was the fiancé of the dwarf kings daughter. Strong, brave, noble, and willing to listen and learn and be a beacon of hope. but what they have is... not that. they pretend its fine because, well that's their friend and they would be dicks if they didnt accept him, but they don't really accept him. they think that just by spending time with him and being nice and what not will just fix it but that's not how this whole tormentation thing works. as it was in siege of darkness - the toughest battles are those we cannot fight in.

And in such, wulfgar runs away as hes a danger to his friends. he finds himself on half moon street among the wretched, and he finds a place for himself with the broken. he finds solace in the company of drink and at the side of delly curtie. I didnt like her at first cos of the whole ‘bringing him to bed while hes blacking out’ but although we only get a bit of her - this rugged band in arumns tavern hold each other well. I hope we get more scenes with her, she's 

actually new paragraph, im... interested in her character. im pretty sure she's a prostitute, but also at the same time I think she might just be someone who sleeps around for her own survival. its sort of, self harm in her best interest. im not sure how to describe it, at least not rn at 1148 pm on a school night (I chose 8 am classes weep) but she resonates in my mind rent free. im sure ill write more during the next tweet post.

dondon tiggerwillies is gross and im glad hes gone ; dwahvel tiggerwillies thoughh - might have to add to the beloved list hue hue

I really enjoyed a lot of the Calimport scenes , especially when entreri is being hunted down by that one leautenatn (ugh I cant spell - ill edit l8r) actually all of the liethants - fuck them. honestly if they left him alone, things would be cool. but I accept that this is way better. the new pasha of the basadoni guild.

what the FUCK are you wearing?? is this your thottie fit? aren’t you in the actual desert (every fantasy setting needs an arabian nights desert level!)

lets see what else. oh ya. ched nasad, forgot that was a place. how did jarlaxle get a wizard priest? idk but I didnt even know there were Lolth priests! thought it was the same in Menzoberranzan in the other drow cities (except where Eilistraee rings, and I guess vhaeraun too) 

did kimmuriel escape his house’s destruction? I don't remember seeing him during that one. and maybe its for the best, like how Vierna and dinin couldn't snitch on the house that literally did them in. so ya cool. hey berginyon showed up, and hes a pretty important (running Menzoberranzan while the big boss is out of town is a real big deal yo)

the end fight wasn't as interesting. just a no good 36 hours of attacked, get tricked, get tricked, fight, recover. 

but I was surprised that jarlaxle showed up so fast like I wasn't expecting him to use the shard so soon. but it was a good set up. so drizzt and entreri have they're fight. well first drizzt refusing to and then entreri throwing a fit. the cheaters won but aren't happy as jarlaxle admits that the field was skewed in Entreri’s favor, entreri strikes as drizzt is distracted, kimmuriel grants him psionics, but even if he did strike drizzt dead then and there,  he wouldn't have been happy with it. they werent equals and by killing him he would be admitting that. drizzt beat him fair and square despite all the tricks, and that's why he breaks down thrashing and kimmuriel has to take him out of there. 

during the epilogue, we get ✧Recontextualisation✧

so zak knew jarlaxle, they were friends even. so what does that mean? now we get to re examine Jarlaxle’s actions under that lends. he took in dinin and vierna as a favor to Zaknafein? he didnt rape catti brie because she's friends with Zak’s son - even so far as aiding in their escape from the Menzoberranzan? In the legacy, when jarlaxle sets off that lightning bolt on him that Guen absorbs, was he really planning on lethal? Would he really welcome him into Bregan Daerthe?

Also not to read between lines before reading the lines but is there significance to referring to their relationship as ‘friends’? I’m pretty sure this conversation they’re having is being spoken in common and maybe he used this word as a replacement for a word that doesn’t exist and has a different meaning like how Hawaiian’s have over 200 words for rain whereas (at least in my experience of English) we just stack adjectives upon adjectives, and even then it might not be exactly the same feeling by the end of the translation. But the thing is, they both speak the drow tongue, and we’ve seen jarlaxle use his khal’abbil so much we already have it down. So,, what I’m trying to say is, I think from just a simple way of words there was something fonder..?

So where does that leave everyone? Entreri is now a big boss in his home town, steadily building his reputation. 

The remaining companions are out there uh,, adventuring? I mean they kinda lost the crystal shard, so what're they gonna do now other than beat the snot outta gerblins cos its fun

Wulfgar is enjoying his new life, reborn and without care for the future and without looking to the past. Simple living for today and maybe tomorrow. 

Man.. what a way to end things. 

#drizzt #Drizzt Do'Urden #Forgotten Realms #legend of drizzt #d&d

[lezbanator]

For the past 75 years I've been 25. For some reason I stopped aging on my 25th birthday. It's not only my aging that changed but my healing. I've fallen off building's, Been stabbed, and even gotten shot a few times, to say the least, but I always heal quickly. I've heard about things like this in movies but it shouldn't happen in real life. In the movies the immortal is always portrayed as a lonely sad loser. Not me, not being able to die is great. I'm hot and super rich becuase of all my investments over the years. Everyone wants to be around me, and today is my 100th birthday celebration. This year will be big, I'm going to go out on that stage and auction myself off to the highest bidder. They get me for a whole 72 hours to do whatever they want with.

My guest start to arrive and in no time the party gets started. I had to rent out a whole football arena just to accommodate everyone, and it still wasn't enough. I'm behind stage with my entourage, waiting for whatever popular performer I hired to finish their set. Then the betting will start. My entourage is hyping me up, telling me things like, "hopefully some hotties place the highest bet." And "brah, this was such a good idea." The performer finished and with his finally words gave me the magnificent introduction that I deserve.

My guest go wild as I walk out on stage. The screaming and crying of my name makes it feel like I am floating, it makes me feel like a god. I grab the mic from the performer and speak into it. "Thank you for coming to my 100th birthday!" The screaming gets louder, it raises me bigger. "I know it's hard to believe I'm 100 already, I don't like a day over 25." As I laugh my guest laugh. I am in complete control like always. The screams and laughter finally quite down. "I am so grateful for every single on of you here today. As a thank you I have a special surprise for you all. I am auction myself off to the highest bidder." The crowd looses their minds when I say that to them. I shush them through the microphone and they are quite again. "The winner gets to have their way with me for 3 days!" Screams of I love you, and by mine came in waves all over the crowd. I handed the mic to one of my friends and walked off the stage. Making sure to smile and wave at everyone. This was such a good idea.

Everyone who wanted to place bets had to RSVP in advance, and prove that they had enough money. These people where big corporations trying to learn my secrets, loaded horny old ladies, and entitled frat brothers who just wanted to show off. I wasn't surprised. There must have been about 100 people waiting for me in a private room. When I walked in there was no screams and crys just silence. "Hello, who's ready to place some bets." I said. Only a few people clapped. I awkwardly walk down the rows of people with my entourage, then stood on a platform so everyone can see me better. I'm starting to feel like this might have been a bad idea.

A member of my entouurage grabbed a microphone that was close by and spoke into it. "The betting will start at $100,000.00. "

As the price got higher the more I felt like this was a bad idea. Who would spend this much money on one person only for a few days. I push down my anxiety by telling myself that they cant kill me. All of a sudden the betting stopped

"Sold to the lovely lady in red for $9.7million." Those words my friend spoke snapped me out of the daze I was in.

$9.7million ain't bad. And it's a lovely lady, probably some old oil heiress that just wants some sexual company for the weekend. I was wrong, I look in the direction of where my friend is pointing and I see the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Her tight red dress sticks to every curve and feature of her body like someone painted it on. How could something so beautiful spend all that money on me.

I jump down from the platform to allow the woman to see what she purchased. I bow down to kiss her hand, then look up into her deep brown eyes. "My love, I am yours to do what you wish. What mischief do you have planned for us?"

The Amazon of a woman blushed and giggled as she said. "A few of my girlfriends and I are going to take you to a forest and we are going to spend our days getting into trouble." She picks her phone up to her face pushes a few buttons the looks at my entouurage, "I just sent the payment." She grabs my hand and leads me out the room. I am hers, and all I can do is blindly follower her.

...

My sweet victor has blindfolded me and placed me in the back of what I can only assume is a limo, due to all the leg room that I have. She tells me if I talk I will be punished. I hope her friends are as kinky as she is. She takes my shoes and stocks off then my belt. I dont move, I wait to feel what she does next. She moves to my arms and rips the sleeves off. I was not expecting that, but she can do whatever she wants with me that was the deal. She rubs some kind of liquid all over my arms and underneath my shirt. It smells awful, but I'm into anything. I gag as she puts it on my face I hear her giggle. That giggle puts me at ease everytime. The limo stops, she takes her hands off me and I hear the door open. "My goddess have we arived?" There is no response. "Um.. should we get out of the limo?" Still nothing. I reach around to feel if shes around me and feel nothing but the seats. When I take off the blindfold I am alone. Light from outside brightly shines into the limo from the open door. "Goddess where did you go?" I said as I shuffled out of the door. To my surprise the winner of the auction was standing in some type of Amazonian Warrior Armor along with 5 of her friends. I lift my hands up in confusion and see that I'm covered in some sort of dark brown paint. "What is going on? what is this?" I touch my face demanding answers.

The woman who I blissfully shared the ride here with steps forward. "You were given a gift. A gift that you wasted on selfish fortunes. We are here to claim back that gift and give it to someone who is worthy. I coated you with a toxin that deprives you of your healing. If you survive it will pass through your system in a few days."

My body starts trembling, "who are you? Survive what?"

"We are The Warriors of The Mother, and we are going to hunt you."

To be continued...

#short stories #scary short story #short story #short #short film #short movie #short fiction #story #scary story #story telling #storytelling #english story #excerpt from a story i'll never write #story prompt #writers of tumblr #writing #writer #love #short tales #tales #writers community #fiction #tiny tales #series #writing series #to be continued #horror #am reading #am writing #read

[transrightsjimin]

more ranting abt welfare benefits hell

sorry for whining so much abt income on here, i know it should just be easy nd solveable by applying more for jobs, but the literal issue is that i have no skills or confidence (latter is according to my friend, but the way i cant envision handling any jobs well is jst the truth??) nd still havent gotten any help from the municipality w getting consulted by someone w more knowledge on the job market nd maybe being pushed to take on shitty jobs that at least perhaps pay better than mail delivery. it’s jst so frustrating how i requested welfare benefits over 4 months ago but it only counted since 3 months ago bc they kept fucking up w the requests, promised a payback for the lost month, but didnt, i believe?? now december we got nothing nd probably also january bc our ‘income was too high‘ for the minimum.

uh i side tracked nd forgot where i was going before, but i meant to say tht HALF A YEAR AGO i also requested help w getting help w jobs but bc bureaucratic bullshit it took until DECEMBER to get the help approved. and they would get me a contact person ‘surely before christmas, don’t worry!‘ and then they didn’t and replied they hadn’t forgotten about me and will surely help soon and i’m just. so fucking anxious about this all??

my parents help me financially w cash they gave (nd some of which came from my grandmas) (nd no im not happy w that bc one of them is doing worse financially but still wants to give it away, nd the other is dead nd my uncle gave her left over money to family which feels ironic bc hes a millionaire but only gives a bit from his dead mom??) so that i can buy groceries bc me and my friend’s paychecks + welfare benefits can only cover rent + food and so not also other bills such as for healthcare that i have to make payment plans for. and even w help w groceries i still end up in the negatives, especially last month bc we ‘made too much‘ to receive something. i dont even dare to sell clothing or anything online for money bc that’d only mean ‘income from hobbies’ they could see i have and thus more reason to get stripped from this too.

and that is just the whole issue!! the municipality runs all these checks and forms and calls and appointments and documents you need to hand in, but there is NO calculation determining what you actually need. instead, based on the type of household, we were categorized as fiscal partners without children who receive the benefits together and thus we receive benefits (in the months that we do) to add it up to the ‘living minimum‘ €1500 in total. this amount does not cover our actual expenses, nor does this match inflation or how social housing has been broken down as a system and that real estate owners can increase rent prices as much as they want. there is a monthly grant that tenants could receive for renting a home, but only if it is an apartment AND below 752,33 euros per month (which is when it is considered social housing, above that it’s the ‘free market‘), and that is just virtually impossible?? but we were not once asked if we can actually pay anything and the people meant to help us w benefits just don’t fucking get flex work contracts or how our income over a certain month is received way later in the month after that. like they have a stable job and just dont fucking get that it is not designed well for us.

i think my anxiety over this issue has gotten worse ever since the news came out that a dutch woman on benefits got a €7000 fine because her mom did groceries for her and that’s considered fraud??!! she couldn’t afford food so her mom bought groceries for her but that is also considered financial compensation and thus she got this huge fine, which she probably cannot afford and the fucked up thing w fines from institutions is that they ask interest over it if you don’t pay it in time or enough of it, and give more fines and even charge fees for something like you receiving a letter and they’re just free to pull this shit bc it’s a for-profit business. and that’s how ppl end up w debt and huge loans. it’s just so infuriating nd i really dont want a fine or lose the right to benefits. even though i prob wont get it for a while bc of my friend’s job that tends to make our incomes together reach just the ‘living minimum‘. i have this bill of €250 for adhd diagnosis, then monthly bills for meds that are €76 of which i can receive most back and ‘only’ need to pay €25 from it, then theres an orthodentist bill of around €92 bc i forget this insurance company still counts from back when i was w it the first time nd orthodontist stuff gets insured up to €1000 and that amount was used up like 10 years ago nd they still count like that despite me having had a different insurer in between.

i just need a stupid fcking job nd i hate to whine abt this bc theres so many ppl in much worse situations who ‘take initiative‘ nd start looking for jobs, but AGAIN  i have no ‘basic’ skills like being able to listen and understand words well nd fast or show the right facial expressions or have good memory or dexterity or be able to answer difficult questions or focus on reading etc etc, nor do i i have an idea what job i should or could do.like i fcking need an income, moreover i need a break, im in this fcking burnout since like 2013 and in depression since at least 2004 lmfao but it’s never been recognized as bad enough by specialists bc im not suicidal, but it’s also not good to the point where i ever know if i felt ok. also just. i feel like i did use to have a bit more confidence in myself in high school but it all got sucked out of me in art college (bc horribly bigoted teachers + students and being taught that drawing well is in fact not at all important in the domestic market but rather being INNOVATIVE and NETWORKING and also COPYING is the way to success!! like not kidding, thats what teachers told us) nd by my parents (bc i became older nd didnt spontaneously do all these chores or jobs despite having no fcking clue how bc they never taught stuff). like i just dont know how ppl live comfortably w themselves and know what its like to be themselves nd not feel bad nd anxious abt everything

#rambles #family stuff #death mention / for grandma #this is a long rant im so sorry thisis a mess

[archiefm]

         ... claws my way up from hell once more and vomits onto the dash.... hello. its nora. i used to write rory bergstrom, but if u were here before that u might remember me as greta or alma putnam or..... som1 else.... an endless carousel of trash children..... this is finn, who i actually wrote for an early version of this rp abt 5yrs back now...... grits teeth..... so forgive me if im rusty i havent written him in a long time but seein honey boy gave me a lotta finn muse n im keen to get Back On The Horse yeehaww...

DYLAN O’BRIEN / CIS-MALE — don’t look now, but is that finn o’callaghan i see? the 25 year old criminology and forensic studies student is in their graduate year of study year and he is a rochester alum. i hear they can be judicious, adroit, morose and cynical, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he will make a name for themselves living off-campus. ( nora. 24. gmt. she/her )

shakes my tin can a humble pinterest, ma’am....

finn has a bio pasted at the bottom (n written in like.... 2015.... gross) but it’s long  so if u don’t wanna read it here’s the sparknotes summary..... anyway this was written years ago n a lot of it seems really cliche and lame now but..... we accept the trash we think we deserve

grumpy, ugly sweater wearing, tech-savvy grandpa

very dry sense of humour and embraces nihilism. 

if ron swanson and april ludgate had a baby it would be finn

he was raised in derry, just south of dublin.

from a big family. elder sister called sinead. he also has a younger sister (aoife), a younger brother (colm), and a collie named lassie because his father lovs cliches (finn hates cliches but loves his dog). 

his father was a pub landlord and his mother worked at the market sellin fruit n veg when they met but got a job as a medical receptionist when she had kids cos it meant she cld be there with them in the day and work nights.

his parents met when they were p young and fiesty and rushed into marriage cos they were catholic n just wanted to have sex. his family were literally dirt-poor, but they had a lot of love i guess

hmmmmm his relationship w his father wasn’t the best cos i can’t write character who have healthy relationships w their parents throws up a peace sign. yh, had a pretty emotionally distant, alcoholic violent father n so gets a lot of his bad habits i.e. drinking as a coping mechanism and poor anger management from him BUT anyway

as a kid he was never very motivated in class, he always had a nervous itch to be off somewhere doing something else. struggled under government austerity bcso there just wasn’t the resources to support low income families where the kids had learning difficulties n needed support. fuck the tories am i right 

his mum suggested he try sports to help w his restless energy but he was never any good at football so he took up boxing and tap dance instead. he took to tap dancing like a fish to fuckin water. as adhd n found this as a really good way to use his excess energy in a creative way

had a few run ins with the police in his early teens for spray painting and graffiti, but he straightened himself out n now actually considering becoming a detective inspector??? cops are pigs.

he had a youtube channel where he posted videos of him tapdancing and breakdancing as a kid, basically would be a tiktok boy nowadays, n had like... a small fanbase in his early teens. attended several open auditions unsuccessfully, until he was finally cast in billy eliot when he was fifteen.

during billy eliot he began dating an italian dancer called nina. they became dance partners soon after and toured across the republic with various different shows (inc riverdance lol the classic irish stereotype). their relationship was p toxic tbh, they were both very hot tempered people and just used to argue and fight all the time.

he went semi-pro at tap dancing, and nina couldn’t stand being second best so she moved back to italy with her family. ignored his texts, phone calls, etc, eventually he was driven to the point where he used his savings to buy a plane ticket, showed up at her house and she was like wtf?? freaked out and filed a restraining order accusing him of stalking.

he was fined for harassment and then returned home to derry, but after the incident with nina he quit dancing for good and finished his leaving cert before heading to university in the US to get as far away from nina and his past life as poss. and basically since he quit dancing to study forensics (death kink. finn cant get enough of that morgue. just walks around sayin beat u) he’s become a massive grump and jsut doesn’t see the good in people any more.

u’ll find finn in an old man bar drinking whiskey bc he is in fact an old man at heart or sat on his roof smoking a joint, drawing wolves and lions and skeletons and shit, playing call of duty or getting blazed or at the corner of the room in a house party ignoring everyone and scrolling through twitter. is a massive e-boy. always up-to-date on memes and internet slang. has reddit as an app on his phone

not very good at communication. rather than solve his issues by talking, he’d prefer to just solve them through fighting or running away from his problems hence why he has come halfway across the world to get away from an issue which probs cld have been solved w a few apology emails.

takes a lot to phase him, but when his beserk button gets pressed he can become a bit pugnacious like an angry lil rottweiler. in his undergrad he was in a few fist fights but doesn’t really do tht any more as he doesn’t condone violence.

 in the previous version of this rp he was hospitalised like 5 times. pls, give my son a break. stop tryin to kill him. he literaly got a bottle smashed over his head and bled out all over his favourite angora rug that was the only light of his life

works at the campus coffee shop n always whines about how he’s a slave to capitalism. always smells of coffee

lives off campus with an elderly woman named Marianne, and basically gets reduced rent bcos he makes her dinner / keeps her company. they have a great bond

fan of karl marx. v big on socialism

insomniac with chronic nosebleeds

cynical about everything. too much of a fight club character 4 his own good n has his head up tyler durden’s sphincter

always confused or annoyed

statistics

basic information

full name: finnegan seamus o'callaghan nickname(s): finn age: 25 astrological sign: aries hometown: derry, ireland occupation: phd student / former street entertainer fatal flaw: cynicism positives: self-reliant, street smart, relaxed, intelligent, spontaneous, brave, independent, reliable, trustworthy, loyal. negatives: hostile, impulsive, stubborn, brooding, pugnacious, untrusting, cynical, enigmatic, reserved.

physical

colouring: medium hair colour: dark brown, almost black eye colour: brown height: 5’9” weight: 69kg build: tall, athletic voice: subtle irish accent, low, smooth. dominant hand: left scar(s): one on the left side of his ribs from a knife wound that he doesn’t remember getting cos he was drunk distinguishing marks: freckles, tattoo of a wolf howling at a moon allergies: pollen and the full spectrum of human emotion alcohol tolerance: high drunken behaviour: he becomes friendlier, far more conversational than when sober, flirtier, and generally more self-confident.

psychological

dreams/goals: self-fulfilment, travel the globe, experience life in its most alive and technicoloured version, make documentary films, help the vulnerable in society, grow as a human being.

skills: jack-of-all-trades, very fast runner, good at thieving things, talented tap dancer, good in crisis situations, dab-hand at mechanics, musically-intelligent, can throw a mean right hook and very capable of defending himself, can roll a cigarette, memorises quotes and passages of literature with ease, can light a match with his teeth.

likes: the smell of the earth after rain, poetry, cigarettes, shakespeare, whiskey, tattoos, travelling, ac/dc, deep conversations, leather jackets, open spaces, the smell of petrol, early noughties ‘emo phase’ anthems.

dislikes:  the government, parties, rules, donald trump, children, apple products, weddings, people in general, small talk, dependency, loneliness, pop music, public transport, justin timberlake, uncertainty.fears: fear itself, drowning alignment: true neutral mbti: istp – “while their mechanical tendencies can make them appear simple at a glance, istps are actually quite enigmatic. friendly but very private, calm but suddenly spontaneous, extremely curious but unable to stay focused on formal studies, istp personalities can be a challenge to predict, even by their friends and loved ones. istps can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but they tend to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking their interests in bold new directions.” (via 16personalities.com)

full bio (lame as fuck written years ago..... pleathe...)

tw homophobia

born in quigley’s pub on the backstreets of sunny dublin, young finnegan o'callaghan was thrown kicking and screaming into the rowdy suburbs of irish drinking culture. the son of a landlord and a fishwife, he never had much in the way of earnings, but there was never a dull moment in his lively estate, where asbo’s thrived, but community spirit conquered. at school, finn was pegged as lazy and unmotivated, though truly his dyslexia made it hard for the boy to learn in the same environment of his peers and only made him more closed-off in class. struggling with anger management, finn moved from school to school, unable to fit the cookie-cutter mould that school enforced on him, though whilst academic studies were of little interest to the boy, he soon found his true passions lay in recreational activities. immersed into the joys of sport from as young as four, finn was an ardent munster fan and anticipated nothing more than the day he could finally fit into his brother’s old pair of rugby boots.

his calling finally came unexpectedly, not in the form of rugger, but through dance. to learn to express himself in a non-academic way, he began tap dancing, finding therapy in the beat of his soles against the cracked kitchen tiles (much to his mother’s disgrace). it wasn’t a conscious choice, finn just realised one day that dance was something that made him feel. a king of the streets, finn made his fortune on those cobbled pavements – dancing and drawing to earn his keep. by default, finn became a street artist, each penny he earned from his chalk drawings saved in a jam jar towards buying his first pair of tap shoes. though many of his less-than-amiable neighbours called him a nancy and a gaybo, finn refused to quit at his somewhat ‘unconventional’ hobby, for the young scrapper found energy, life, and released anger through the rhythm of tap. soon he branched out into street dance, hip hop, break dancing, lyrical, his days spent smacking his scuffed feet against the broken patio into the night.

when he was thirteen he took up boxing, and as expected, his newfound ‘macho’ pastime conflicted with his dancing. the boxers called him ‘soft’; the dancers called him ‘inelegant’. he felt like two different people; having to choose between interests was like being handed a knife and asked to which half of himself he wished to cut away. he couldn’t afford professional training in dance, with most schools based in england and limited scholarships available. instead, he made the street his studio, racking up a small fanbase on youtube. when he was fifteen he made his debut in billy eliot at the olympia theatre in dublin. enter nina de souza, talented, beautiful and italian; ballet dancer, operatic singer, genius whiz kid, and spoiled brat. she was selfish, conceited, hell bent on getting her own way, and every director’s nightmare. finn fell for her like a house of cards. he’d always had a soft spot for girls who meant trouble. and so their hellish courtship began.

by the time they were seventeen, the two young swans had danced in every playhouse across the republic. they were known in theatres across the country for their tempestuous personalities, their raging arguments with one another, their tendency to drop out of shows altogether without any notice, yet the money kept rolling in and the audiences continued to grow. for three years, their families continued to put up with their hysterical fights followed by passionate reconciliations. he was too possessive, and she was too wild. their carcrash of a relationship finally came to a catastrophic halt when nina broke off the whole affair and returned to italy with her family. for months finn tried to contact her, yet his phone calls, texts, facebook messages were always ignored, until finally he was driven to drastic measures and used his savings to get a plane to her home town. when finn turned up uninvited at nina’s house she freaked out – and rightly so – she contacted her agent, accused him of stalking her, and had a restraining order placed against him. finn was arrested, held in a station overnight, and charged with harassment before he was allowed to return to dublin.

after the incident with nina, finn lost the fight in his eyes. he became far more hostile, far less likely to retaliate with his own fists, and picked fights not for the thrill of feeling his own fists pummel another into a wall, but for the sensation of his own brittle bones cracking. he dropped his tap shoes in a dumpster, stopped talking to his friends, followed his father’s advice and went back to school to complete his leaving certificate. a few short months later, and finn was packing his bags, saying his bittersweet goodbyes, and travelling half-way across the globe to be as far away as possible from his past self, his mess of a life, and most of all nina. it seemed somehow ironic that the boy who had been cautioned by the garda so much during his youth for spray painting, busking without a liscence, and raucous parties would become the grumpy, aloof overseas student studying a degree in criminology; that his once reckless spirit could be crushed so easily. 

of all things that finn could be called, straightforward would never be one of them. ever since his first days in atticus, the boy was pegged as hostile, hot-headed, cynical, rude. he seemed to spend more time in his thoughts than engaging in conversation. like a ticking time-bomb, finn’s anger was of the calm kind, liable to explode without a moment’s noticed. his unpredictable personality make him something of an enigma to those who aren’t amiable with the lad, though hostile as he may appear, he harvests a good heart. loyalty lies at the centre of his affections, and whilst his friends are few in number, he makes a lifelong partner. somewhere within finn, there’s still some fight left, but mostly he has recognised that his hedonistic lifestyle did little to leave him fulfilled – mostly, it just emptied him out – and over his three years at university has resigned himself to a nihilistic predicament.

        if u wanna plot with me pls pls pls im me or like this post!! i am always game for plots i love em so excited to write with you all here r some ideas

study buddies. finn is now a phd student so has to start takin shit seriously. he gon be in the library every day doing that independent study. if he had ppl who were also regular library goers n they get each other coffees to save time.... tht wld be sweet

ppl who love techno dj sets and going super hard on the weekends!!! fuck yea

friends with benefits. exes on bad terms. ppl he tried to date but couldnt because he’s always emotionally hung up on someone else. spicy hook up plots

ppl he met touring?? maybe ppl who were also in the entertainment industry..... anyone got a character who is ex circus hit me up

does anyone else study criminology / forensics / criminal psych / law? phd students sometimes lecture so he cld be an assistant lecturer / tutor if ur character is in a younger year

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

finn goes to the skatepark and all the young boys there think he’s a gradnpa which he is! 

#huntingtonintro #is tht the tag....... idk..... msg me xo