#shit my players say
Our DM Destroys a Player
“I was debating on adding a mind goblin.” -DM
“Mind goblin?” -Player
“MIND GOBLIN DEEZ NUTS??” -DM
everyone else proceeds to die laughing
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Player 1: Tell me where your boss is.
Bad guy: If I do will you let me leave without issue?
*Player 1 looks at player 2 and 3 who nod.*
BG: Ok, we have a deal. Well if I know my boss, he’s long gone. He doesn’t do violence.
P1: So you don’t even know where he is?
BG: Probably took a speed boat to somewhere else.
*Player 1 shoots him*
P3: (Player 1)???
P1: Let him go my ass… we pulled over to try to help him when we thought he was a stranded guy with car problems, then he kidnapped us and left us for fucking dead, THEN when we stumble upon him again he immediately tries to kill us and have all his lackeys kill us, and THEN he has the balls to try to make a deal and not even have the info we asked for? He’s lucky I didn’t put the bullet through his skull.
P2: Goddamn, I thought you were a doctor…
P1: I have a PHD in Physics and you don’t need to take the Hippocratic Oath for that one. Keep up.
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I've got a butterknife against Lightning-Hands McPalpatine, what am I supposed to do?!
our very stressed 2hp rogue, not knowing that they’re about to strike the killing blow against an evil sorcerer who already hit them with two lightning spells
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Background: My character (Rob) is the twin sister with another player’s character (Bob). We’re both rogues, but we both multiclassed. Rob into fighter, Bob into warlock. Both of us have the ‘actor’ feat, have high charisma and are experts in deception. As you can imagine we have caused pure chaos. Here is the best example from last session. The other PC’s have not yet been able to tell the two apart.
Paladin: Bob use fire! He’s weak to fire!
Me: I’m the magic one idiot!
DM: Roll deception, paladin roll insight.
Bob: Seriously we’ve been together for months and you still can’t tell whose who!
Paladin: Someone just throw fire at it! Which ever one of you has fire!
Bob: That’s really rude Paladin! We don’t get you confused!
Me: Yah you tell him Rob!
Barbarian: This is why I call them Ob! You can’t go wrong.
Our sorcerer, as you can imagine, was the MVP of this fight.
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The elven paladin and her elven cleric buddy from the same temple keep rolling the same initiatives.
“Yeah, so we move in lockstep and synchronize our fighting like a dance.”
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Bad guy: “Oh, it all ends so poetically-“
PC: “How is it poetic?”
Bad guy: “Huh?”
PC: “How is it poetic? I don’t get it, explain it to me.”
Bad guy: “You… you were looking for your researcher friend who had supposedly found Daedalus’s labyrinth. And now we, who have your friend, are throwing you into the labyrinth he found to die.”
PC: “….that’s not really poetic. It’s ironic at best.”
Bad guy: “….can someone just throw them into the labyrinth already?!”
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Me: *refers to the old campaign as 'season one'*
DM: pf- season one??
Me: yeah! This campaign is season two, and the one I'm running is a spinoff series since it's in the same universe as the first one.
DM: I love that so much
Me: (other players) one shot was a holiday special.
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"This horse is named Buttons."
"Um I can speak to horses and it is definitely not named Buttons. Its name is NEIGH"
"Which means Buttons."
"Yeah you're right."
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"That was a great barbeque, [druid], but where did you get the meat? I remember fighting bandits, but not animals-"
Party’s Rogue, a brief moment before remembering the cannibal tendencies of the druid.
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Druid: Well, the rogue has pissed off the pirates and the city guard, and we were already fighting some cultists…
Wizard: Let’s find some dragons and make them mad too, so then we’ll have enemies in the sky, sea, and land!
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We were running through a forest in Pathfinder. I have an Android Barbarian, who weilds a large-sized butchering axe. As we were running, a manticore jumped out in front of us.
DM: Alright, Apex (my incredibly prideful barbarian), you go first
Me: Alright, without slowing down I'm gonna swing my axe at it.. that's a 19, so I crit, with a +12 to hit. Three d8 is.. 22, plus my ten, and then my times three multiplier is 126 damage
DM, sighing: Okay. While running through the forest, you slam your axe into the manticore hard enough to cut it in half, killing it instantly
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(Context: We’re in a cavern fighting pirates and their guard dogs. I was too far back to deal damage so I held my action to heal the already-damaged monk if he took more damage.)
Monk: I’m gonna punch the dog. *rolls a Nat 1* Oof!
DM: Oof. You go to punch the dog, you whiff it, hit the wall, and break your– which hand is your dominant hand?
Monk, OOC: Well, I’m right-handed so I guess [Monk] is too.
DM: Alright, you break your right hand and take 3 damage.
Bard (me): THAT ACTIVATES MY HELD ACTION!
DM: …Oh my god.
Monk: Fuck yeah!
Bard: *rolls an 8 for healing with Healing Word*
DM: …Jesus Christ. You punch a wall, break your hand, and heal for 5 HP.
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Their new traveling companion
Context: Brand new campaign. Since day 1 I’ve noticed there have been no real healers in the party, and they all know what each other is playing. We have a barbarian, fighter, sorcerer, and a rogue. They know this. First session.
Me (DM): You walk into the tavern where you are suppose to meet Sir Whatshisface for the job.
Rogue: Oh shit does anyone have healing potions? We’re about to break into a legendary tomb without some.
Me: To my knowledge you don’t have any and the nearest town is a few days away so you can either forfeit some of the gold or be lucky I guess.
Sorcerer: So what’s the current scene? Maybe there’s an adventurer we could trade with.
Me: Mostly miners everywhere, drunk miners. You wont find many health potions with them but could find some gold. The Barkeep might have a few squirreled away but you’ll have to roll fairly high to convince him. Sir Whatshisface is sitting drinking some mead next to a very young and excitable kid.
Fighter: I want to insight check those two.
Me: Cool. Roll it.
Fighter: Nat 20! First roll of the campaign.
Me: We’ll Sir Whatshisface is a rich fellow, but you get the feeling he’s more of a butler for someone else. The kid next to him is obviously some stable boy with a hint of druidic abiliti– *I realize my error*
Sorcerer: I ROLL TO PERSUADE HIM TO JOIN OUR TEAM! *Rolls* NAT 19 PLUS THREE!
Me: The kid is so excited about this idea that he does join. Congrats, I now need to roll stats for this child and decided his future druid path. Dang nabbit.
Barbarian *singing*: We got a healer. We got a healer. We got a healer.
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Context: Artificer made a gift (mini statue thing) for his gay hypersexual uncles
Artificer, explaining: they’re holding each other’s dicks
me, the DM: They’re what?
Artificer: holding each other’s dicks!
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Artificer: “When are you going to learn-“
Paladin/Barbarian: “LEARNING IS NOT HOW I DO”
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Fighter (OOC): It wouldn’t be the first time a member of our party has become an inter-dimensional doorway to the demon realm
Bard (OOC): It wouldn’t even be the second time!
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A major battle to free a prison camp has just finished. The Human Cleric has found some imprisoned members of her order, and is catching them up on the other party members. The Human Druid is currently in the shape of a chimaera, the Human Fighter is under the effects of an enlarge potion, the Changeling Rogue is in his ‘serious combat time’ persona, and the Aasimar Paladin is interrogating prisoners.
Cleric (pointing at the chimaera): This isn’t what it looks like…
(immediate giggling from players)
Cleric: … that’s our young druid. Maybe it’s best that you see him like this first, he’s easy to underestimate when he’s just the nice young man he usually is.
(pointing at the Fighter) And that’s our Fighter… he’s also not what he looks like. He’s usually smaller. But he’s still very strong even when he’s small.
(pointing at the Rogue) And that’s our Rogue…
Paladin, through laughter: This isn’t what it looks like!
Rogue: This is most definitely not what it looks like!
Cleric: And the man interrogating the prisoners is our Paladin.
Druid: That is exactly what it looks like.
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As we approach the underground templar of the fallen god Unklar, whose followers are trying to bring him back, the paladin beings to sing:
Unklar’s body lies a mouldering in the grave!
Unklar’s body lies a mouldering in the grave!
Unklar’s body lies a mouldering in the grave!
And his soul is moldy too!
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Npc finding out her husband died: pls do me a favor, and make the thing that did this hurt
Artificer: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sure
Artificer talking to the other artificer: can you pls handle it
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Context: I had drawn knight from the deck of many things and named my new follower Reginald.
Me: “Reginald, are you or are you not a magic slave,”
DM: “I love being your magic slave, sir!”
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