#should i stop studying for today

[why-the-heck-not]

18.01.24, thursday

duolingo french streak 13

5h of researching & trying to figure out a thesis topic (I’m so bad at deciding this damn)

1.5h walk

#i’m stressed bc was supposed to email abt the topic today but did not bc i dont know lol #I’m all the time just putting myself to the AI corner and I keep fearing that the next 5 months I’ll be up to my ears with probability #and statistics bc like that’s going to be the case if I can’t get my brain to stop thinking like ’’the use of AI/ML in X’’ #but ​for some reason that’s the only thing it’s spewing rn #maybe bc that’s the only fucking thing u ever see these days #maybe I should just ’’if u can’t beat them; join them’’ with this #like I’m going to have to do something with AI sometime I’m sure so might as well like learn a bit more now #(I’m so bored with AI bc it’s goddamn everywhere and oh boy do have I knews for u (@me about my choice of study/career field)) #today’s productive(ish) things #january 2024 #2024

[999-roses]

unpacking 'sinophone' and its sinophobic roots

so. it never occurred to me to just type "sino diaspora" into google before.

and google is like "oi!! you meant sinophone yeah? here's wikipedia on sinophone" and here's like the other top results

I'm squinting. What the hell do you academics have against diaspora using the term diaspora?? I click.

inb4 this whole rant: I have no qualms with using sinophone as a language-family-use descriptor (like sinophone media), but coming from academia or as an academic field unto itself. but. the literature about wanting to use it as a demographics thing & separate it from "chineseness". just. looook if anyone knows that they're no longer like this let me know. with what im seeing, im having a bad faith moment

so... this is the academic that's hard pushed the term for sinophone.

"crit on orientalism might be complicit for allowing Chinese intellectuals to call themselves victim under an 'unreflective' nationalism" & "but the flipside may be a new imperialism" yeah?? any more unsubstantiated claims???

What a joke!! Clearly only takes authority about Chinese history from western sources, like literally has the uncritical echo of "X country doesn't deserve territorial integrity" that literally fueled western imperialism, and not just of China. Treaty of Nanjing 1842 ringing no bells? Sigh. National sovereignty is the barest basis against overt imperialism where someone just comes over and declares where you live their colony!!! ... is this a test in how far can you stretch the definition of imperialism or colonization? lmfao, China invests in poverty-relieving measures like building houses and improving infrastructure out in Tibet, Guizhou, Xinjiang, and you have the audacity to call that colonizing?!? 我真无言了。

different article by the same person:

laughable to think that the Chinese state even bothers to think I exist, let alone talk to me about my diaspora status. (I was born in the US)

also, people are really out there saying 'diaspora has an end date' huh

here it is. here is the 'scholar' conflating American or western imperialism with things Big Bad Scary Red China does.

Clearly mixing up concepts of tributary system with colonialism, and acting like historically (other than Yuan era under Genghis) that ancient China/Chinese culture was expansionist, going around trying to conquer peoples and set up colonies. Admiral Zheng He would spit on you.

Comparing the spread of culture and language in Ancient China to the colonization and subjugation that the French/Belgium did in Africa, or the British Empire, or the Spanish and Portuguese in Latin America, is so blatantly dishonest. The indigenous people of Tibet, Inner Mongolia, and Xinjiang still speak their own languages and use their own scripts, and yes, they learn them in schools alongside the national language... which is Chinese!!! Yes the Hanyu writing system was adopted and adapted by many neighboring cultures in ancient times, but you literally don't examine WHY? The fluidity in its system: frequently non-Han peoples invented characters to suit their language, like there's even some Canto-specific characters that are in use today. Another reason that Chinese writing system was so popular was because two Sinitic language speakers who do not speak the same language could communicate through the same script. Yeah, Ancient Chinese scholars and dignitaries often had an insufferable elite-ness and superiority complex, but describing their attitude as subjugating and forcing other people to adopt their system? What a wildly malicious mischaracterisation!

just... mask off, gringo butt-licker.

Please. where is the "Chinese containment" policy? The white papers reaffirming what the international community agrees, what Taiwan historically agrees (tho Taiwan held that it was the true capital/head of all of China), that Taiwan is part of China?? I know this article was written back in 2010s but are you seriously comparing American weapons deals and boots on the ground with Chinese military exercises in Chinese territory that haven't harmed a single civilian? "critical" my ass!

gotta love the title of this one. yeah, I know it, I've seen it before. the Chinese or feminist binary, pick a side /s

but hey in this piece she admits she's ignorant and unobjective and out of her league sometimes?

edit: found this:

yeah that about seals it for me. anti"diaspora" sinophobe

#sino diaspora #diaspora #逆向种族分子 #long post #chen yells at clouds. more at 10 #sinophobia #sorry. personal rabbit hole. and taking things personally #we're committing ad hominem crimes today folks #sure chinese->lunar new year. im fine w that. but can you fucks stop trying to take away chineseness away from people who still ID as??? #this person is literally doing the western empire's work of laying ground for sinophobia #can't tell if this academic is a grifter or actually serious lmfao #as if american chinese diaspora don't call americans 老美 and call ourselves 老中. i mean yes i call myself 老美 when in china but hello?? #you cloak your 'expertise' in the lingua & clothes & rituals of western academics. just shake your colonized ass for white people more #reading this drivel makes me want to go into asian american studies & grab this and shake it around like a ragdoll. #but im reminded that western institutions and definitely academics unquestionably cite western sources w/o hesitation #but give anything coming out of China even just academics not anything gov related with skepticism. so it's probably a no-fly #yeah sure im a 'sinophone' but im also diaspora so fuck you. 你忘了你祖先你的族梗。你这个逆子找白人拜金去了。就你这样做榜样？让海外华裔立起来？丢死人。跟你的英文大白菜出卖同类吧 #fuck you for saying that diaspora's connection to their heritage & culture are currently being severed& should be severed & studied as such #like literally uncritical of how exactly that happens. why so many diaspora have internalized racism driving them to scrub themselves of #their asianness heck even chineseness. try to scrub it all away but you still got an asian face. so fuck you #didn't look into 'asian american studies' much before but if it's a lot like this... well. 🤨 #like this academic is so disconnected from our shared histories AHSIJIJDSIAJDAAAHAAHGGHGGG #+ my poasts #imperial core circus

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

That is literally me 💀

Yesterday I sat beside their friend and he was sitting in front AND I WAS SO FUCKING QUITE ALL THAT TIME

MY MOUTH WAS NOT OPENING FOR 2 HRS

I usually am a person who can't stop talking

But when it comes to him idk what happens to me

i feel like a 15 year old little girl saying this but this is so relatable 😭😭😭 i imagined saying so many things to him because we had't talked in 9 whole days (im not counting 🤪) but then he was there he smiled waved hi and i was so stunned and awkward and a little bit heartbroken because he was hanging out with some pretty girl that i couldn't say anything properly

#we had this inside joke ki he'd ask tu theek hai na and id say nahi yaar and rant #but today that's the first thing he asked and i was like. haan. theek hu. #and he was saying so many things but i just couldn't process them i kept repeating what he said like oh?? oh... #i went to sleep yesternight promising myself to say fuck it ill just focus on studies ill move on ill stop hoping #but now my chest feels all upar neeche 😭 #btw you should talk to him. it has recently come to my knowledge that boys aren't smart and perceptive like girls and they can't tell that #you like them unless you tell them

[quibbs126]

Can I request you draw one of my freaks(I think you know which freak)/lh nf

This one?

#I genuinely don’t know bc I’m very bad at reading the room #I assume you mean him #cookie run #cookie run kingdom #cookie run oc #corpse flower cookie #not my oc #my art #you know I actually did think of something to draw just before getting this ask #but I still drew it anyways #think of it as payback for you drawing Ruby Cacao #is “payback” the right word? Seems too malicious #anyways he was fun to draw #I like this dude #but no I should probably stop drawing for today #I need to actually study for my Physics test today #answers

[marxism-lelouchism]

times like these make me feel acutely the urgency of joining an org but like. the major communist orgs suck and the east asian american orgs are all radlibs so i feel stuck!

#🌱 #many orgs are also just frighteningly white #I admire the work of nodutdol and anakbayan very much but I am neither korean nor filipino #at one point I was really interested in qiao collective but i think my politics have outgrown that phase #where’s the org for chinese MLs/questioning MLMs in america 😩 #was talking to a friend about this and they were like maybe You should start something and i balked like no…i’m not cut out for that #but i do think chinese people in america (myself included) would gain a lot from a serious study of modern chinese history #I think an understanding and appreciation of the chinese revolution is essential in beginning to approach china’s contradictions today #a study group would be nice… #i stopped posting on my personal/political twitter b/c i realized so many leftists are really clout chasers but maybe I should dust it off #or mb i’ll wait for twitter to implode and for me to move out lol

[ah0yh0y]

the future is like open world games i hate them

#ahoys thoughts #I NEED STRUCUTR E WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO MAKE SHIT UP FOR MYSELF I DONT LIKE ANYTHING WHAT #sorry i did 2 exams today and no study so i dont eel productive and now im gonna procrastinate #should i just make pancakes that stopped the overwhelm last week #but i dont like too much of one thing #maybe its the undiagnosed adhd #or not ill never know bc its too GODDAM EXPENSIVE TO DIAGNOSE AND I HAVE SUTH ASIAN PARENTS WHO SAY IM NORMAL

[wiinterbunny]

📚📝🌸

#im meeting my old classmate from high school today #we're gonna go to the library (in the middle of the city yikes...) and she'll study and i'll read #i cant do my work remote lol bc i dont have a laptop...... and my phone isn working #so i should do my assignment but i literally cant #i'll just read #but idk... #it's just stressing me out. it feels like a chore. smth i should do #i said yes when she asked even if i dont feel like it bc i've said no to her a couple of times lately #and if i keep saying no she'll eventually stop asking #but yes tbh i really dont want to go today. and not bc i dont like her or anything #i do have avpd and i just dont feel comfortable w her and therefore im now stressed #bc it feels like a performance. i have to go there and be normal bc this is what ppl do #not bc i want to hang out or spend time w someone #i feel mean bc it's not her fault. she's very kind. but it's just how i feel bc of me.. #so yeah im going soon even if i dont want to bc i cant say no too many times

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#do i feel guilty abt spending like 4+hrs working on my CV during normal work hours today? yes #but also i spent 5 months getting paid part time when i was working 10+hr days 6 days a week #so i feel like it balances out #also i need to update my cv as things happen bc i instantly forget so many things i do #like i forgot i was named on at least 1 publication. like completely forgot until i searched my name on google scholar #also i have like 25 posters/presentations to my name. and only like maybe 5 of those are ones that r just in name #ive given a lot of talks/poster presentations lol #my cv is so long. i prob should have shortened it more before i sent it to the dude im talking with #but like. idk im gonna meet him next week so like if i commit a little faux pas by sending a too long cv im sure its fine. hes already #interested enough to chat. and therefore i have to bust my ass preparing to meet with him #bc hes from the most prestigious uni ive contacted. so like really theres no way ill get in. but i will shamelessly try #god. ive gotta really study hard. like i mean i dont have to but ive been so burnt out for so long that ive been slipping when it comes to #hardcore academic stuff. like my memory of genetics and chem stuff is slipping. and generally i find it difficult to wrangle my thoughts in #a way that makes sense. so i really wanna be prepared to talk to him #lol my boss is gonna get back from Europe like hey ur gonna follow me to las vegas? and im gonna be like haha fuck that i dont wanna live #there. i am currently 1 foot out the door. im at the bus stop waiting for someone to give me the money for the science bus #give me funding to study cool stuff!!!! #ugh and i still need to look for more ppl to ask. like i want at least 2 or 3 US options on top of my 3 potential UK options #and like im really considering contacting some ppl in Germany bc like all the papers i look at are german. the germans are doing cool #cyanobacteria bullshit. and im jealous and i dont speak german but hey ive got a year to learn #so idk maybe ill see if my boss talked to anyone cool while she was at her conferences. pls boss tell me abt the other cool cyanobacteria #ppl 🙏 but idk. i feel like ppl dont quite get what im interested in. bc its astrobiology but really its more evolution and understanding #the fundamentals of life. so like no i dont wanna go to mars. i wanna understand what freaky shit life was doing millons if years ago #ugh. im being a slacker. ive gotta shift into try hard mode. #but also i wanna draw and finish my fanfics 😭 we'll see what happens #unrelated #also thank u to the ppl who sent kind words on my post yesterday! im still shadowbanned so i cant reply to u 😭

[bugunlikeanangel]

everyday, i complete tasks. i feel relief. and then everyday, there are more tasks to complete. when will it end

#completed a lot of stressful tasks and deadlines today #momentary relief and then #why arent i doing more #i should STUDY but im tiredddddd #it never stops

[marinaiguess]

me: *overthinking*

my chest: here’s like, 18 successive jabs that make u feel like your heart is dying

me: lol give it all u got, sonic the hedgehog didnt raise a weak bitch

#if i ever get a heart attack i wont pay it any mind #atp the sudden pain is normal #anyway #i should stop studying for today

[alectothinker]

something something a variable reward schedule is built into most social media platforms and i should stop jumping between apps and refreshing pages like a rat scurrying between multiple wretched levers etc etc

#bonks self on head. stop fucking procrastinating #its only making u feel Worse! #reread a part of baru today that was like. aminata explaining the rat thing in terms of navy life. and #thank u seth dickinson and ur multiple psych degrees. i should rly get back to studying lol :') #text #//

[hella1975]

hi bestie i was just thinking about you, hope youre doing okay, im playing uno w my sister and our cousin(20) rn <3

(capt-snoozles)

BELOVED <3 omg ive not played uno in ages im invested in this

#ive actually had a really great day today which is weird bc im in the middle of exams #like i met up with my mates this morning and it was super sunny #so we immediately decided to go maccies and get mcflurries which then turned into a one hour maccies stop #and then we finally went to the study rooms and i got a decent amount of work done?!?!?! #AND THEN we went morrisons bc i was craving melon lol and as we were in the aisles #i was like hey the sun's out and the park is RIGHT on the uni's doorstep we should just get some stuff here and have a picnic? #and the others were super down for it so we wound up getting food and THREE 12 packs of cider (there was a deal on allow it) #and went to the park to study and it was super cute <3 #and now i've just been at my other friend's flat for a couple hours watching merlin lmao #AND i spoke to both my mum dad AND sister today which doesnt happen that often #i had a good day <3 stats exam on thursday though EW wish me luck #ask

[beykhabarr]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#ugh #ew #disgusting #i hate being alive #EW #why did i start listening to music i know it fucks with my head and focus #I was studying 16+ hours now i cant focus for 6 ??? #god #its not over yet stupid you #i will do 16 today no matter what it takes #i cant stop listening to music T_T #JOJI #i hate myself did i ever tell you i hate the way i am #do you ever wonder how #it always has to be one of the two extremes #there's either an abundance of everything love time happiness or a complete and total absense huh #how when even when there is stuff it feels like nothing #should i like sleep #idk

[clericlost]

finally online and thinking about how little will does in every instance we see jane being bullied.     he’s no stranger to how shitty it feels to be singled out like that,  to be berated and belittled,  and yet all he does is stand there and watch,  then try to help pick up the pieces only after it’s over.     i know the suffer brothers have forgotten lonnie byers exists at this point but i unfortunately have not,  and in cases of bullies both at school and at home most of his life,  will never learned how to fight back.     indignance is a fruitless endeavor,  inconsequential to a man like lonnie,  to kids grappling with adult hierarchies on the playground,  to mind flayers prying their way in your head.     anger is even scarier,  something that always made his mom upset and his brother shut down like a machine powered off when it spewed from his dad.

he tries to learn fight instead of flight for the first time ever at 13 years old,  and it just so happens to be in the face of an otherworldly monster.     it’s an atrophied muscle since tantrums as a toddler were answered with intoxicated tantrums of the man of the house,  and it’s never properly gotten the chance to build its strength up,  or even believe it can.     will knows this.     of course he does,  and it’s a contributing factor to his everpresent struggle in not feeling like a burden,  a hassle to have around in his loved ones’ lives,  so he tries to compensate with comfort,  but by nature,  it never feels like enough.     not when the thing about comfort is that it happens after the hurt,  never before,  never prevents it.     standing by when he knows exactly what kind of hurt jane’s feeling,  and doing nothing,  feels like a betrayal.     if he intervened,  it’s not like it would stop it from happening again,  but even trying and failing would be better than nothing.     considering all the times jane has saved his life and his family and friends’ before she even met him,  it is quite literally the least he could do.

but it’s a trauma response,  to freeze.     one built from the crib to the upsidedown,  to lock up or run away.     he’s gotten better at the latter,  but the progress is hard to feel when faced with jane’s misery by himself,  without even the party that always helped him cope with his own bullies at his back.

#study. . .⠀meta #st4 spoilers #i guess it's more of a headcanon but no it's not i just remember lonnie existed<3 #even just as the audience seeing jane get bullied feels like shit and then the shots switch to will always just watching and somehow #i feel impossibly worse :) #god they were supposed to have a fresh start :( #i do think at least will got so caught up with just trying to survive all this upsidedown bullshit it was kind of? easy to forget? #the mundane aspects of life that can still make it fucking terrible #and like. they've faced Actual Monsters!! it should be easy to face bullies!!!! #but it isn't. it would take practice that will has Never had outside of trying it out on an interdimensional monster that one time #which didn't work btw<3 it just made it worse to try like that and have your agency so thoroughly ignored #ok enough tags i need to stop...... i have so many thoughts on will's passive coping mechanisms #the only time we really see him Mad at like anybody is mike #and it's this big ugly thing ripping him up and his response is to run and hide and feel so STUPID about how upset he was #the few times he's stood up for himself he always finds a reason to not try it again #OK i'm done for real i have drafts that i'm !!!! about #if i'm dead in the ims it's bc my social meter feels stiff as a corpse today i am apologizing in advance

[tortademaracuya]

Everyday feels exactly the same and it makes me wonder if there's even a reason to do anything

#i keep applying to jobs looking for comms and places to sell stuff #when im not doing that im either working or practising smth or studying #yet it all feels for nothing #everyday is the same. everyday i feel nothing but hopelessness #i feel like everyone is moving forward except me. who no matters what i try can never get unstuck #at least doing sports made me feel smth but today it just made me feel worse #im starting to not really care what happens to me. but yet i cant stop keeping busy #i cant even waste my time on 'fun' stuff like this hopelessness makes me think i should do #because i dont even get any joy from doing anything #usually being near friends cheers me up but today it only made me wanna cry #i shouldnt even have gone closer to my friends. i knew my mood wouldnt improve. and yet i only made them worry from my selfishness #i dont want to go to class. i dont want to keep aplying to studios. i dont want to draw or play or do anything #i have no energy to talk or do much. and not being able to make myself look hapoy enough makes me mad #i know im clinically depressed and i know myfriends know. yet being bad enough people can notice and ask if im feeling okay #makes me feel so ashamed. i have nothing to be sad about. and yet #life is so monotone. i dont want to feel like this all my life. i dont want such an unbalanced mind #i wish i could disappear and make everyone forget about me #i wish i could wander everywhere and anywhere forever #haunted.txt

[miserye]

there's this funny thing i noticed in my classes where one of my professors and one of my classmates and I have similar vision problems (i assume) so we wear our glasses only occasionally and they always come out around the same time i start needed mine and take mine out and it makes me laugh because i think we all know

#chatterye #my classmate has literally seen me take my glasses out and then took his out #we also take them off in tandem LMFAO #partially vision impaired besties #this professor has also stared at me as i stuffed half of a nature valley bar into my cheek #and i know i looked stupid as hell and we just made some prolonged eye contact as he talked and i chewed #not relevant i just thought it was funny #also my eyes have been getting more tired more easily these days and it's really annoying #because i don't mind wearing my glasses but when my eyes are tired my glasses don't help #and i really don't appreciate having my vision reduce itself to like 144p #it's so blurry and fuzzy it drives me insane #it was so annoying when i was reading fanfics though #because then i had to squint into oblivion to be able to read the rest of the fic #because i was not going to stop reading in the middle obviously i had to push through #but it was such a pain #should i go to work tmr morning? i already took today off and i'm planning on taking wednesday off too i have a test to study for #but i just don;t want to go in tmr that's all LMFAO