#should i talk to her about her ignorance regarding adhd

[feyhunter78]

AAAA I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT PART I LOVE YOUR WRITING SMM ❤️❤️

Thank you!!!! 🥺🥺 I'm excited to see y'all's reactions to the newest chapterrrrr Also, I lied about the smut it's in the next chapter, but there is some suggestive type stuff unfortunately it's from Todd

Pink Pastels Pt 9

Description: It's Saturday, and you're at a sports bar with Todd, until you find yourself on the roof with Spiderman.

Pt 10

It’s Saturday. One of your two days off, and all you want to do is relax, but here you are at a shitty sports bar, beer already spilled on your shorts by some drunk idiot, your boyfriend completely ignoring you as he pounds his fist against the bar, screaming at the TV. His team is losing, you assume, as you push away from the bar, drink in hand, and wonder back to your table.

You pull out your phone and scroll through your email, responding to a few, ignoring others, until finally you see a response from a kid in your class’s mother.

Jessica Tompson: Ms. Y/N, I will be available at six PM on Monday to meet with you regarding Tommy’s behavior. I look forward to getting to the bottom of this issue.

You smile and send her a quick response back; you’ve been trying to get Tommy’s mother in for a meeting since October. Tommy wasn’t a bad kid, he just needed extra support and attention, and potentially some ADHD testing. But you knew people were hesitant to test their kids, afraid to “label” them, even though those “labels” could really help their kids in school.

You couldn’t count how many times you’ve explained that identifying where kids are struggling can get them access to accommodations that they need to thrive. Such as extra time on assignments or a quieter, smaller room to take tests in, so they weren’t as distracted. Sure, they wouldn’t get these things forever, but if they got them now, it would help them learn how to self-regulate for the future.

You tap your fingers on the tabletop happily and bound over to Todd. “Hey, guess what, I’m finally getting that mom to come in and talk to me.”

“Who?” He asks, beer in hand, his eyes glued to the screen.

“Tommy Tompson’s mom.”

“Oh, the hot one with the nice rack?”

One of his friends high-fives him, and you put on a tight smile. “I don’t really look at my students’ parents like that, but maybe?”

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve got eyes, sue me.” Then he slammed his beer down on the bar. “Are you fucki—that’s bullshit, Ref!”

Miguel wouldn’t say things like that, he wouldn’t ignore you for football. He’d congratulate you, slip between your legs, his full lips parted, his pink tongue finding a hom— You shake yourself out of your thoughts.

This was crazy, you shouldn’t have done that… Should have stuck to fantasizing about a celebrity, or well, you should’ve been thinking about Todd, he is your boyfriend.

“What a shitty call, Ref!” You echo him, and that earns you a smile thrown your way, and an arm around your shoulders.

You just want things to go back to how they used to be, but honestly, you’re not even sure it used to be good. Maybe you just didn’t really know any different, but now after, all those little chats at pickup, during parent teacher meetings, and then the day at the zoo? How is it that a man, who barely knows you, treats you better than your boyfriend of years?

You walk home with Todd leaning heavily on you, his lips are on your neck, sloppy and clumsy, missing that certain spot on your neck in favor of slobbering all over your skin.

“Todd, maybe we need to slow down a bit.” You say carefully, trying to pry him off you.

“Again?” He sighs heavily, annoyance clear in his tone.

Your face flushes, shame burning through you, and you bite your lip to keep the tears at bay.

When you first started dating you were so new to everything, you’d had a few boyfriends before, but they were short-lived, almost chaste. Todd on the other hand was a complete and utter manwhore.

“I thought you were over all that.” He grumbles, trudging along the sidewalk, refusing to look at you.

He wanted everything fast, fast, fast, and you were dragged along for the ride, anxious and unprepared.

“I am, I am, it’s just you’re drunk, and your head is going to hurt in the morning…” You tell him, helping him up the stairs and through your apartment door.

He makes a beeline for your living room and flops down on your couch. “So, what, I want you, and you’re my girlfriend, so.”

You try to hide your grimace, but he sees it and groans.

“You’re always like this, I swear, such a prude.” He throws an arm over his eyes and unzips his pants, pulling his cock out.

You blanch, there’s no way he’s just going to jerk off, drunk, in the middle of your living room, right?

“Todd, seriously?” You snap, grabbing a decorative pillow and hurling it at him.

He ignores you, pumping himself, grunts and groans spilling from his lips. You used to find him attractive, you’ve always liked when he was vocal but now? Now it feels traitorous to hear him instead of Miguel.

But you’ve never heard Miguel, your mind was just making things up, that’s what dreams and fantasies are.

“You’re such a dick.”

He sat up, still gripping his erect cock. Was it smaller than you remembered? “Maybe I wouldn’t be if you’d do your job.”

"My job?” You ask, thoroughly confused.

He points at his cock, and you bite the inside of your cheek to keep from laughing, there’s no way he means what you think he means.

“Good girls suck their boyfriend’s dick.” He says it with such certainty, that it sounds ridiculous.

You bust out laughing, doubling over, gasping for breath. “You’re so full of it.”

“I’m not, you’re just a—” then he goes quiet, and you look up to see him passed out cold, cock still in hand.

You stand there for a moment, flabbergasted. There’s no fucking way that just happened.

Throwing a blanket over Todd, you head for the fire escape a different blanket in hand, climbing up to the roof, and sitting on the edge of the roof, feet dangling, your hands behind you supporting you as you lean back.

You let out a sigh, tilting your head up towards the night sky. It feels good out here, cool breeze, the sounds of the city at night, the gentle coo of the pigeons the apartment manager cares for.

A soft thump draws your attention, and you jump scrambling away from the edge, and turning on your heel. Only to come face to chest with Spiderman.

“I wish it was that easy to get everyone off the ledge.” He says, a hint of humor in his voice.

You remember what he looks like, and his face, mask? is everywhere, but it’s different when you’re not terrified or watching some grainy news footage.

“And he’s funny too.” You joke, giving him a small smile.

He tilts his head, scanning you, then reaches out and his gloved thumb brushes across your cheek. “You were crying?”

Were you crying? You touch your face, your fingertips coming away damp. “Oh, I didn’t even notice, it’s just been a long day.”

You spread out your blanket and sit, your back against the wall, and you pat the space before you.

“Won’t your boyfriend be upset if he found out, you’re sharing a blanket with a masked hero?” He teases, sitting in the space you made for him.

“My boyfriend is currently passed out drunk with his dick in his hand.” You tell him, the low light making you braver than you’d normally be.

He goes silent, the eye parts of his mask widening, and you think that’s his version of raised eyebrows.

“He was drunk and pissed at me because I didn’t want him to slobber up my neck, so then he whips it out, and when I tell him to stop, he calls me a prude and says I should do my job , which is such an asshole thing to say.” It feels good to ramble, to just vent all your feelings onto this masked semi-stranger.

“Do your job?” Spiderman asks, his eyes narrowed.

“He said, and I quote, good girls suck their boyfriend’s dick.’ Literally so ridiculous…” You trail off as Spiderman rolls his shoulders back.

For a moment you’re hypnotized by the movement, the sheer mass of muscle.

“…shoes?”

You snap out of it. “I’m sorry?”

“Did you like your new shoes?” He asks, and you hear a smile in his voice.

Wow, y/n, rude much? You didn’t even think to thank the man who not only saved your life, but also replaced your shoes.

“Yes, thank you so much, how much do I owe you?” You go to pull out your wallet but realize you left it in your bedroom.

“No, it’s alright, consider it an apology for not getting there fast enough.” He holds his hands up in a pacifying manner.

You purse your lips but nod. “Alright, well, again, thank you.”

You’re fiddling with the necklace Gabi and Miguel got you, and it seems to catch his eye. “That’s pretty, your boyfriend get you that?”

You shake your head, dropping the pendant. “No, it was a gift from one of my kids, I’m a teacher.”

“That’s cute, do you mind if I?” He motions towards it slightly, and you lean forward, letting him catch it between two long fingers. “Very nice.”

“Yeah, I think it’s really sweet.” You smile up at him, breath catching in your throat when he releases the pendant close to your skin, his fingertip brushing the tops of your breasts.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to touch...” He says quickly, retracting his hand.

You give him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, it was an accident.”

“What’d your boyfriend say?”

“About the gift? I don’t think he even noticed.” You scoff, brushing your hair back from your shoulders.

“No, what did he say after you turned him down?” His voice is lower, warmer, spreading across your skin and seeping into your bones.

“Oh well, he tried to argue then passed out.” You giggle, Spiderman’s masked form still inches from your own.

Spiderman lets out a low hum and tucks a stray lock of hair behind your ear. “He phrased it all wrong, good girls don’t suck dick, they take cock.”

Tag list: @nyctophilic0vitnir, @miggyoharaswife, @badbishsblog, @imisshim2much, @wanderlustingcastaway, @lynn-9703, @sleepyamaya, @erensbbg, @sweetea85, @ilovemiguelohara, @natthernandez, @stxrrielle, @ihateuguys, @jenniferdixon05207, @blep-23, @luvisaaxoxo, @minimari415, @emerald-09, @violet-19999, @kenchosaikuo, @groovycass, @youcantseem3, @lovefks, @nightshxdex, @dusstory, @aesniri, @munsonssecretblog, @kirke-is-my-name, @starbearieee, @chatoicboy, @act1839, @needsleep3000, @totally-not-georgia, @witchy-lizard, @cxmeiloorun7

#miguel o'hara imagine #miguel o'hara fanfiction #miguel o'hara #miguel ohara #meg's writing #miguel's pastels #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara x you #miguel o'hara x y/n #miguel ohara x reader #miguel ohara x you #miguel ohara x y/n #spiderman 2099 x reader #miguel atsv #Todd sucks as always

[go-to-the-mirror]

i dont want to talk about scrutiny

WHATEVER, FINE, OKAY, WE'RE DOING SCRUTINY, OR SOMETHING, FINE, WHATEVER, WHAT EVER

i love scrutiny, i do, but in the way that i love threshold, and nothing beside remains, and seeing it through, and a guest for mr spider. meaning I really do, but I also hate it with vitriol. Not really? It's complicated. I have Some Feelings Towards it. Yep. Look this podcast makes me feel happiness and sadness and anger at the same bloody time, but it's all confused because it's overridden by being Very ADHD about it, so like, they're all rattling around in there. I hate it (affectionate), I love it (derogatory), you get it?

Anyway, y'all know how I feel about Jon already, and if you don't, it's love and only love, so uhm, yeah, let's just get on with it already, rambling and mostly rambling, attempts to set aside my undying love for the Jarchivist for like a day, etc.

@a-mag-a-day

Firstly, I'd like to draw attention to the posts I made on my instagram story about this when I was first listening to TMA, because I was Not Alright.

The first was highlighting the description of the episode: "Statement of an unknown bystander, regarding an encounter with The Archivist." "The Archivist." Not "Jonathan Sims," not "Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London," not even "Jonathan Sims, The Archivist."

Just... The Archivist.

The second was regarding the first, saying that I knew it was deserved but he should be allowed to eat a few fears. As a treat.

I didn't say anything to my partner (who you should follow by the way, they're scarandjoelenthusiast), cause I think I was still attempting to be spoiler free for vex at that point, lol. And I had no other... friends. At all. Um. Yeah.

So, onto the relisten! Oh boy.

MARTIN Ah, alright, did he... did he look like he hadn't slept in about a week?

I absolutely love that Jon's descriptors are looking like shit, and looking like Jesus. That's just amazing.

Also uh,,, why did Martin immediately go to Jon? Hm..

Everything, every bit of light or sound or, or anything that changed, that said time was passing. There was nothing. Before that I never really thought about time, you know? But now… Yeah.

that must have been terrifying

So, it, it took a long time to get over that. I mean, that’s not weird, right? I me— It was a bad time. You know, it, it stays with you. Was signed off, what, I think about six months with the injuries. Had pretty bad, uh, nightmares, claustrophobia, I mean, obviously, right? But, uh, but, but I did my physio, and, you know, talked, talked with the counsellor they gave me. Look, I did everything I was supposed to and, and yeah, I… I guess I was fine. You know, once the bruises were gone I— Well, it’s easy to blame memory, right? You know, ha-hallucination, coincidence, all the classic shite you tell yourself. Life went back to normal. I— I was fine. Until about two weeks ago.

Jesus fucking christ, Jon. She was fine, trying to get over it, Floyd was fine and that's just it, because they think they're safe, and-

She was fine, she was okay, and he took that from her, he took that from her, he made it so she couldn't be fine anymore, he made it so every god. damn. night she'd experience that again, the bastard.

There’s this creep in, in the corner. Your guy. He just… keeps staring at me, like, like properly staring. Like, it is super intense and, and real weird. Like he knows me, but I sure as hell do not know him. I— I try to ignore him, look, I just, I just read my book, and every time I look up there he is, watching me.

Girls when they realise oh yes, he's an avatar.

So… Look, I’m packing up, all done and, and I just, I just sorta turn, you know, just, just to check if he’s still there and he is standing right behind— Like, like a few inches from my face. Look, it’s messed up!

That's??? Terrifying?? I mean, look, like, my sisters jump whenever I quietly stand behind them and stare intently, and they're my sisters, they know me, they know I only joke about stabbing them with a knife, Jon, that's freaky, stop being freaky, you have trauma at home. Go eat a stale trauma for gods sake.

Like, okay Mr. "I don't think it's me doing it." Who sat at a bloody coffee shop for an hour.

I. Understand. That there is a certain. Need. To cause and feed on fear. As an Avatar/Monster/Whatever. And I mean like it's pretty hard. To admit you're in the wrong for something. Even if you think you're in the wrong for other things. But like. None of this matters to Jess, to Floyd, to the three other people whose lives he ruined. He can try be better, he can never do it again, but he can't go back and fix it.

And I start to ask him, you know, what the hell, man, you know? Like— But he just starts talking. Slowly. But real intense. He says, he works here, at the, the Magnus Institute, and I say, what even is that and he says, he wants my story. He says he needs to hear what happened to me. And I— I want to tell him to jj-just go away. I want to, to, to kick him and run. But I— (long sigh) I sit down. And I start to tell him everything. About the job, about the collapse, a-about the hand. More than I told you, even, and, and as I do— it’s like I’m there again. Like I can feel it grab my ankle, th-th-that cold, dead hand and I just… I just can’t stop talking. I cannot shut up.

[ID: A blurry photo of CC!GoodTimesWithScar with his head in his hands. /End ID]

And then it was over. And he looked— He looked at me like he’d just eaten, like a perfectly cooked steak. You know what he said? He said, “Thank you.” “Thank you.” Just like that. Like, like reliving the worst parts of my whole life were just a bit of a… a favour that I’d done him. And then he left and I— I just sat there and cried for a while.

i don't know what to say im just sitting here with my head in my hands.

And he’s there the whole time, just… watching me. Watching me scream and thrash and… He’s all eyes. He’s all eyes.

I kinda want to punch him right about now, because how dare he do that to her, how dare he ruin her life just because he wanted to. Whatever, avatar, feed your god or it'll feed on you, I don't care, that's his business, not hers. She wasn't involved, she didn't have to be involved, she was fine and he took that from her, the bastard!

How dare he sit there talking about choice, how dare he feel all guilty for ruining her life, how dare he! He doesn't deserve to feel bad about it. Christ, Jon, what the fuck.

But I feel like I’m seeing him when I’m awake as well. I’ve been… I’ve been having a lot of problems since he talked to me. Since I talked to him. Since I told my... story. The, the claustrophobia, it’s back, worse than it ever was and I can’t do my job. I have these, these screaming panic attacks every time I try and— What am I supposed to do? Like, feels like, like every time I’m even slightly underground I— Can’t even go into a shop basement more without feeling that… (sniffs) hand. Every time I do, every time I get that panic just rising up my throat, I see him. He’s there. Not when I look properly, but just at the edge. The corner of my eye. Then he’s gone.

(MAG 142 - Scrutiny)

Since then, she said she’d been seeing that woman everywhere she went.

(MAG 6 - Worm Sex Episode Squirm)

✨ becoming what you hated ✨

No, but I have a lot of feelings on becoming a fear entity Avatar and the cycle of violence. Of how Avatars often only became Avatars because of previous trauma, because they had no other options. Of how they often don't see themselves as victims, for example Annabelle Cane describing herself as manipulative, even as she was a child trying to cope in an abusive household. And I think that Jon being like Jane Prentiss, following his victims like her, starting to understand her... that ties into those themes. I love this podcast <3.

MARTIN No, no, it’s— Thank you. I just— [Agitated clatter] For god’s sake, can he not just stay safe for like, like ten minutes?! DAISY I don’t think that’s an option for him anymore. MARTIN Yeah, I mean, sure. But he just… he doesn’t think! He always just immediately charges straight off into danger with whatever, whatever half-arsed plan occurs to him at the time! I don’t get it! DAISY What’s to get? MARTIN What? DAISY I, I mean, it’s pretty standard stuff. MARTIN What? DAISY Used to see it all the time back in the force, especially with the sectioned. Not like there’s ‘normal’ trauma, you know, but it’s pretty common. The most important thing becomes control, engaging on your own terms. Even when it’s stupid or dangerous. Anything to not feel helpless. MARTIN Oh god… DAISY And of course for Jon’s there’s survivor’s guilt in there too. He thinks he’s not human. Makes him very… self-destructive.

PODDED CAST!!

Thank you, Jonny.

Like hgnhhrnhhnr <3 yep. mhhnm there's another post that talks about the meaning of putting that in with scrutiny, I'll tag a mag a day in that.

Like! Aa! Thank you. Don't really have much to add, I mean I said a bunch in other episodes rambles, specifically the MAG 131, 132, and 136 ones.

I mean you know, the whole spider thing, a bit of his self-blame about... the end of season 4... could come from... if he's not to blame, then he didn't have any control, then all of this was out of his control. If he couldn't stop it, if Jimmy Magma's plan was that good then... well, then he was helpless, and there's nothing worse than being helpless.

in conclusion, disregard the above Jon did nothing wrong- no, he's... he doesn't get to be forgiven by Jess, by Floyd, by the others, not unless they choose to forgive him. But he can work on doing better, you know? He's allowed to not wallow in guilt the whole time, he's not irredeemable, he just did bad things -- bad things he can't fix -- but he can work on never doing those bad things again, on mitigating the damage as much as he can. He's not a bad person, just a person who did bad things.

I dunno, I'm more interested in the metaphysics side of philosophy. You know there's a branch of philosophy called metametaphysics? I think it's so funny.

#tma #the magnus archives #mag 142 #jonathan sims #jess terrell #tma meta #a mag a day #landscaping-your-mind-chapter-one #podded cast <3

[thatsonemorbidcorvid]

Have you ever been to therapy? Any tips on how to find a therapist who isn't a misogynist/trapped in the fucking 1950's?

I am traumatized by female therapists and social workers.... the invalidation, the gaslighting, and the blaming.... they remind me of my damn mother; denying male violence, and viewing me, a woman traumatized by male violence to the point I have alchohol use disorder, ptsd, severe insomnia, ocd, adhd, anxiety, sucidial feelings, sex repulsion, etc, as inferior and as a joke and judge me for being single and not having a bf, no empathy for my pain.

I am breaking up with a current therapist, and I know folks say therapy isn't needed... but I need brainspotting or emdr... I don't sleep and am severely suicidal and scared of people. I need therapy, and feel re-traumatized by my therapis.

my father sexually abused me for 20 years and prevented me from experiencing romantic love.

she would ignore me and read while I was talking, until I said "I am sad I did not experience romantic love." she said it could happen at any age.

when I described limerence and romantic obsession (over a boy I was trying to date in secret, but didn't work out because I was my father's property in his mind and he was threatening to take and send nude photos of me to him.. I was 15, the boy I was dating was 15....) I told her I would imagine we had worked out, and she expressed she thought it was healthy I was fantasizing about this

basically, my trauma to her is attention seeking, and wasn't that bad, I talk too much, and just need a bf. I have experienced suicidal ideation over this therapist, and am scared to seek therapy again.

I myself want to be a therapist, because most therapists are misogynists and I really wanted to be the one who wasn't. I feel haunted

Hi anon,

This sounds really hard, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it all. It sounds like you should definitely stop seeing this therapist, since she isn’t helping and is in fact making you feel worse. Well done for making the decision to disentangle yourself from a situation that is harmful to you, and well done for all you’ve done so far. It’s really admirable that you’re considering entering a field that’s harmed you in order to help others (though don’t feel pressured to commit to that plan if you begin to feel differently).

I don’t feel able to give you specific advice about finding a new therapist, particularly since I don’t know whereabouts in the world you are (and please don’t feel any pressure to share that information) so I don’t know how the system works near you. What I would recommend, if you can manage it yourself or have someone help you, is to establish your boundaries up front when contacting new options, and trust your judgement of their response. If you make it clear up front that you have certain requirements and expectations from therapy - bearing in mind that you should have the power in that relationship, since they are there to help you - and get push back or mistreatment up front, then don’t waste any more of your time with that therapist, just move on to the next. Maybe you could send the same initial email out to multiple people, and then read through and consider the responses as they come in? And if any get through that stage, you can treat the first appointment as another screen, and end the arrangement at any time if you feel it’s necessary. You’re looking for a professional to provide you a service - if you wouldn’t accept a shoddy plumber or builder, you shouldn’t accept a shoddy therapist. Well done again for putting your foot down on the current one.

With regard to finding a list of potentials, maybe see if you can find any recommendations, or consider contacting a local women’s charity to see if they have any preferred options. I’m going to open this to the community and ask them to weigh in with advice and recommendations as well - I hope that’s ok. Radblr women, please interact if you have any knowledge or experience to share.

In terms of the immediate short term - please stick around, and please reach out for help from those who can provide it to you directly, whether that be professional or personal connections. With regard to commencing therapy with a new therapist - take your time, and have faith in yourself to know what’s best for you. You can do anything you set your mind to. Good luck xx

[beegandy]

Thinking about how the only forum I ever participated was on kissanime.to

Then it shut down for good shortly after. I guess that was my only real attempt to reach out to a community that fit me. One thing that crosses my mind frequently is how alienated I feel amongst my friends and co-workers. But I should try and make a effort to meet people who make me feel normal. Find those that let me talk and listen to what I have to say. And hold an actual conversation. That's my hope, so if you find common interests with me, feel free to reach out.

I love music, in a weird way. There isn't a day that passes without my phone blaring music. I love rock, it's a drug for me. Goosebumps shoot down my arms when I hear an amazing song (that rush of dopamine is indescribable!) . There have been so many sub genres that I've listened to. Bands that I loved and grew out of, searching for that next high. And maybe a couple that I'll revisit from time to time (like Underoath and their recent album Voyeurist ) My taste is always evolving. A couple artists I'm listening to right now is Andromeda, Animals as Leaders, and whatever prog metal auto plays on YouTube. I look forward to sharing the songs I love with someone I feel will appreciate it. Because my music is so personal and cherished that its like a window into my soul. I don't remember the names of the songs or know the members of each band member (or any). Their significance on music, or special techniques they use. My ADHD brain isn't all that great at remembering that information (unless I studied it often which seems like a chore tbh). I just embrace that song or album till my interest fades. Like the song Chino Moreno did with Polyphia 😂 listened to that song on repeat with no shred of self control.

Video games are my shit, if I show my steam library 💀 there's a ton of titles. And a lot of money senselessly spent. Senselessly because the only title that I keep coming back to is Apex Legends. Everything else is temporary. Although Overwatch 2 is a lot of fun! Still frustrating at times but it provides the challenge and multiplayer competition I enjoy. Maybe you game too and we can clap cheeks together!

If I'm not playing video games or don't feel like it. You can find me either watching random channels on YouTube or anime. I'm gonna apologize in advance, a lot of popular titles are lost on me. The ones that I'd probably have in common with most fans are Attack on Titan, Chobits, Psycho-pass (only the first season) Demon Slayer, and Steins Gate. Studio Ghibli is good as far as movies go but the ones I absolutely love is "I want to eat your pancreas" "A Silent Voice" "Josee, the tiger and the fish" and "Her Blue Sky." My absolute favorite anime series is Ergo Proxy. Funny cause my current DnD character's name is based off Vincent. It's an older title, super confusing and the anime doesn't give viewers the backstory to understand the significance of proxy's and their role given from their "creators". It's not regarded as an amazing anime. But for me, it's the similarities of Vincent's character development to my own. I didn't realize it till recently after I moved on from my own issues that I ignored for a long time. Vincent has his memory wiped to forget his past self and the anguish he faced. His new companions give him a new perspective on life. And when he faces the reality that he tried to escape, his experience with the people he cares for helps him overcome that shadow. I love you mom for helping me let go of the weight I held onto for so many years.

Lastly, my cat Mei who I got from an old co-worker when I worked at pizza hut. This cat is like the 10% of felines that isn't a Dee Dee mega doo doo head. Seriously! Mei won't jump on the kitchen counter tops, dining tables, or my PC desk. She's super gentle when we play. Like I use my hands to wrestle her and she never bites hard or claws me. Nor has she done this with my friends. And as much as she doesn't like being held, she tolerates it from me or a complete stranger with zero aggression. Honestly, she's one of the best things that has happened in my life. I love her. And yes I named her after Mei from Overwatch which is a perfect fit.

I guess that will do for now. Editing will have to wait 😂 thank you for reading if you made it this far! Bye bye!

#anime boy #new friends #new tumblr #progressive metal #pc gamer #journal

[aetherive]

How do I explain to the meatsuit's parents that privacy is a basic human right and that we have breakdowns over mundane things because we don't know how to tell them we're upset because they just see it as a minor inconvenience and we get even more upset when they express frustration about it

Hm - Well, it would depend on how said parents act around those topics a grand majority of the time. Our meatsuit’s mother tends to.. Ignore everything that she doesn’t agree with, including some points we’ve brought up with her regarding ourselves (like our ADHD and other nds), so we’ve in all honesty stopped trying to convince her because it’s like talking to a brick wall.

That being said, you should be up front about it with them. Cut right to the point, and if they don’t understand, explain it to them. If they understand and want to support you all, that’s great! Tell them how they can support you. If they don’t understand, aren’t willing to support you, or straight up say things that aren’t okay for anybody to say, stop the conversation. I’m writing this in a bit of a hurry right now so I’ll add a bit later when I can, but if anyone would like to correct me on a point or add on then go ahead and do so ^^

#oaks asks #microlabeled-anxiety #mutuals <?

[algumaideia]

An analysis of Octavian

This post was actually going to be an explanation of why I think Octavian is an antagonist, but not a villain. But it ended up being an analysis of his character. 

SPOILERS

And as always feel free to disagree with me, just be respectful. 

Sorry, because it wasn’t well-written, I’m incapable of writing good texts. 

Backstory

I think it is important to say that since we don’t have any information about his backstory most of the thing said in this part of the review are what I think is his backstory. It is a mix of the facts stated in the books, the way Octavian acts and my interpretations. Besides the things I’ll make clear that were said in the books, the rest is not canon. And you don’t need to agree with me that this was his backstory.

His family is one of the richest of New Rome- In the books he also seems to act without fearing the consequences while taking the privilege/money of his family as garented. Octavian acts like someone that is seeking attention. It is so weird how he just do whatever he wants without fearing consequences when his family is right there in New Rome. For that to happen I think or his family neglects him or they are those kind of people who think the children can do no wrong and are all my baby didn’t do that. But I think that if they were the latter, they would be more present in Octavian’s life, but they are never there. 

He is an augere and feels very proud about it. I don’t think there is too much to add about it besides that I think he likes to be an augere because it makes him important and necessary.

No one likes him and this isn’t something new. In Son of Neptune, Hazel says half of the camp hates Octavian and most of his friends are bought. So, Octavian is a lonely child. And he is aware of this. He is a bad person, people dislike him for a reason. But it seems people have been disliking him for some years and he is a child. According to his wiki he was 10 years old when he came to Camp Jupiter for the first time, and he spent his tweens and teens years in a place where people did not like him. I don’t think this was a good place to grow up.

He is really smart and manipulative. I think that those traits are a little inconsistent. Because in the beginning of the SoN Percy says how Octavian is really good at manipulating people with words, but then in the ending of the book and in MoA everyone is shutting Octavian up. Isn’t he this kind of master of words, how he isn’t answering people back? 

We also know he’s been at camp jupiter for quite sometime. I’ll talk about it in another part of the post.

He is anemic and mentally ill. I’ll talk about those things in the Camp Jupiter, Treatment and Ableism parts. 

Other thing that I would like to say is that this post is not an attempt to ignore the bad things Octavian did and pretend he is not a bad person. It is just me trying to understand his better and show why in my opinion the fandom hasn’t treated him fairly.

Camp Jupiter

Camp Jupiter sucks and it does for a lot of reasons. Some of them being the fact they have a city full of adults and most of them were demigods trained in the camp, which means they have trained adults but instead tweens and teens are the ones who fights. Hazel said that if Percy dishonored the legion they both would be executed. Hazel also says that sometimes people die in the war games. There is also the fact that people are dying all the time in missions/wars. The Camp Jupiter also expects perfect behavior for its demigods, to them all know the rules and to do not commit mistakes and I don’t have adhd but this doesn’t seem to be a good place to people that has the disorder. There is too much preassure to do not do any wrong, apperently no emotional support and the punishments seems to be crazy. It’s not a healthy place to a chldren grow up.

Other point is how they value physical strenght, hand to hand combats and offensive approache more than a lot of things. Frank said how he wasn’t treated well because he was an archer, and this was seem as cowardice. Octavian is anemic, he doesn’t have physical strenght or energy to be able to fight. The only way to be respected in Jupiter's camp is to be a good fighter, and he cannot be that because of his illness. As I said Octavian is someone that is often seeking attention and validation by his peers, and I think that this is why being an augere is something so important to him. He cannot make himself important in the traditional way and by being an augere he is necessary to the camp. People cannot just dismiss him. He buys friends, he manipulates people, he becomes a centurion, he is always dominating the senate. He makes himself impossible to be neglected. 

Yes, Octavian is power-hungry. Yes, he is bad. But a lot of things he did during Heroes of Olympus was just Roman things (he was also mentally ill and his mental health was getting worse in each book). When Hazel says that Octavian will kill Percy if the greeks atack New Rome, but in the next sentence she says that Romans take oaths very seriously. However it is all written like it is Octavian being a horrible person. But it is not. The Romans are very harsh with their punishments, they seem to be violent, physical. When Octavian says the Romans should fight the greeks, he is just acting like a Roman, like someone who was raised in a enviroment that encouraged violence responses.

Treatment

Octavian wasn’t treated nicely by the narrative and other characters. I mean, this guy was the centurion of the first cohort and an augere. But no one seem to respect him. No one enters the legion without him saying yes (I know it is acording to what he sees) but he is treated like he isn’t important. He is the one that is responsable of saying what the gods wants, but no one seems to have problems mocking him. I mean fi he decides to give you a wrong information about what a god want you are dead. 

Hazel said how “obsessed” with the sibylline books Octavian and it was framed as him being irrational and dumb. But in the end he was right, if the legion listened to him Ella would have been save way sooner. But no, it is just Octavian being  “obsessed”.

Percy acts like Octavian doesn’t have any prophecy powers, but he saw the lighting in the Jupiter Temple. Then when Octavian is mad because there are three preators he acts like he is overreacting, and Jason and Reyna do nothing. And this is weird because it was made very clear that rules are very important to Camp Jupiter. 

When he decides to attack Camp Jupiter he is always villified and not seem as a mentally ill boy that has been getting worse doing the Roman thing. 

He is always dismissed, mocked, villified, ignored.

And the fact Luke was treated with sympathy, but Octavian not. Luke, who tried to kill Percy, a childre, a lot of times. Luke, who used Annabeth feelings and emotional attachment to manipulate her. Luke, who was 19-22 years old and groomed Silena, who was 14-18 years old. Luke, who poisoned Talia’s tree. Luke, who had no regards for Grover, the satyr that saved him. Luke was treated with sympathy. But not Octavian. Not the mentally ill child who was losing the touch with reality during the series. Not the guy who was just doing what he was raised to do. 

I mean, I don’t even like Octavian and I cannot stand it.

Gwen

Guys, Octavian did a lot of bad things but killing Gwen wasn’t one of those thing. It is so no sense for a lot of reasons. 

As we talked before he is anemic and he is also smart. This intelligent man, that is full aware of his physical limits, thought it would be a good idea to get in the midle of a chaotic fight? I don’t think so.

Some pages before that Percy hit Octavian and he fell like a straw man (according to the text, the first time I read it I thought he fainted). 

Octavian always makes things because of a purpose, he isn’t just being mean because. He does bad things because his actions will give him something. Killing Gwen wouldn’t help him with anything.

Frank for some reason decided to look to Octavian during that mess and that doesn’t make any sense. He is in the camp for a month at this time the guy should’ve already known that Octavian doesn’t battle, he only commands. He saw Percy fighting for a couple of seconds during the war game and was already able to say how he fought.

Octavian was without his knive, but just minutes before he fainted, he could have lost it when he fell.

Frank said that Octavian seemed interested and not worried. But this is not enough to blame the guy, this is not enough to assume anything execpt that maybe Octavian has low empath. 

Greeks

Octavian was a roman. To the romans the greeks didn’t exist anymore, and they were the enemy. 

So, a random greek shows up, spends some days at the camp, becomes preator, and two of your most important gods appear and give a lot of attention to this greek. This is really suspicious. This greek also says that the romans should work with the greeks so they can defeat Gaea. And why you should trust this dude? He doesn’t show respect for the Roman culture. Then this huge war ship appears and this suspect greek guy says that they all come peace and the romans should not attack. Obviously you don’t believe it, and what happens they attack! As the good roman you are, your answer is to attack the greeks back. 

The romans answers things with violence. This is why Reyna asked if Annabeth was a roman after the judo flip. This is why Hazel said she and Percy would be executed if he did a mistake during his period of probatio. Octavian was being roman. He was trying to protect and revenge his Camp against a long time enemy. 

Not saying everything he did about it was logical, but this is because of his upbringing and his mental health. 

Goals

I think it is really interisting the fact that Octavian main goal was to be a hero, not more powerful. Apollo didin’t say Octavian would become preator, he said Octavian would save New Rome. 

I mean, since Octavian wanted to be preator and then became the pontifex maximum, so the logical think it would be to him wants more power. But no he wants to be a hero. A hero is someone that is respected, admired, liked and even loved. All the thing Octavian isn't. Don't get me wrong, Octavian is a bad person, there is a reason people dislike him. But he is also a lonely child that is hated by most of the camp.

Ableism

Octavian is often described as crazy, mad, insane. In his first appearence Percy said Octavian had madness in the eyes, and this was the way of the narrative warning us he was one of the bad guys. He is obviusly mentally ill, his mental health is obviusly getting worse, but everyone ignores it. Everyone ignores it, execpt when they are describing how insane his laugh is, how crazy he looks, how intense his gaze is. Everyone ignores it, until they need to remind us he is one of the antagonists. 

Ending

The ending was terrible. 

Octavian was obiously having a psychotic break, he was stumbling, laughing “in an insane” way, and he didn’t realize his jewelry was in fire. And then what happens? Michael Kahale, the person he most trusted, his problaby only friends appeared, saw the situation and did nothing.

Octavian didn’t kill himself. He didn’t know his clothes were tied in the onager. It wasn’t a sacrifice. It was an aciddent. 

Nico stopped Will Solace who was trying to warn it because some “deaths are inevitable”. Nico, also a mentally ill character saw Octavian in the vulnerable state he was and did nothing to help him. And when Nico was seeing Octavian lunch himself to the sky he thought that this was a relief. No one was sad, no one thought this was a tragedy, no one cared. Octavian was dead and that was a relief. 

The guy was so desperate to be the hero and no one even cared about his death. It is horrible.

Another sorry for the weird tense of the text.

If you want to read this is my post about Octavian and Azula and how their mental illness were treated differently.

Best regards,

Me. 

Ps. We need to start talking how the way Bryce was written was ableist.

#pjo #hoo #rick riordan critical #rr crit #rick riordan ableism #octavian #pjo octavian #hoo octavian #octavian ableism #octavian analysis

[themadauthorshatter]

... I apologize in advance.

This is my personal idea for a sequel in The Nightmare Before Christmas, and I hope you all enjoy😄🙏. This whole thing will be TV perspective, like the Sanders Sides Beetlejuice AU. For better context, you might want to check out the OTP headcanons in my master post.

🎃🎃🎃

We begin the day after Halloween, in a meeting between Jack, The Mayor, and Jacob, who's here to take notes on how things are run.

He's a little bored, but he's still taking notes and doing well in dealing with The Mayor's whining.

The meeting wraps up and the Skellingtons leave the city hall.

Jack sighs that the meeting went well, at least better than he thought it would, but Jacob admits that he wasn't expecting much to begin with, save for the usual.

Regardless, Jacob still agrees, but asks if it's really necessary to have a meeting immediately after Halloween, because it seems tedious.

Jack gets the confusion, because this is the third meeting he's attended, and nods, saying that it can be tedious, but they need to be on top of everything, in case something happens, like an idea or something they can't do, and to keep The Mayor calm; he's the real workaholic, not Jack.

Jacob bursts into laughter and Jack, also laughing, tells him to be more subtle because who knows who heard that.

Turns out someone DID hear them.

It's Daemon, who is outside sitting against the fountain because he's bored and wanted to see his dad and brother.

Jack asks why he isn't with Sally or Luna, and Daemon explains they're out looking for herbs to restock. He was offered to go with, but he didn't go because he figured they'd want some mother-daughter time.

Jacob thinks to himself that girls are like that, but asks why Zero isn't with him, at least.

He followed Sally and Luna, and, looking back, Daemon doesn't know which would've been more unpleasant: making sure he stood far away enough for Sally and Luna to talk without losing them or having damn near everyone that walked past him say he looked so much like his father and was probably just as terrifying, and that Jack should watch out because Daemon might scare him under the table.

Jack lightly chides Daemon for the comment, but explains that he'll get used to being called the best as he helps him up.

Daemon humms as he stands and places himself next to Jacob, asking how the meeting went.

As they walk, Jack admits that while it was longer than he'd anticipated, the meeting went very well, so this year's Halloween should be pretty eventful.

Daemon echoes that word, eventful, and we focus in on Jacob as his face turns from relaxed joy to slight boredom and thoughtfulness at what Jack and Daemon said.

Eventful.

Does he want to do 'eventful?' Yes.

Does he know how?

Not yet. Because to him, eventful means whatever new idea his father comes up with.

He's pulled out of his thoughts when Daemon asks how he did, being the next Pumpkin King and all.

Jacob shrugs and says he did okay for his third neeting, but Jack corrects him: he did WONDERFUL, giving ideas that could only be gotten from an outsider, like finding a new way to use whatever was in surplus.

That excites Daemon and he asks if Jacob took notes, so he'd remember his ideas for the next meeting.

Jacob nodds and takes a piece of paper out of his pocket, handing it to Daemon.

Jack reads the notes as well, and his face falls a little as Daemon humms in contemplation.

We do not see what's written, but Daemin returns the note to Jacob, saying that he's written really good notes.

Jack isn't very enthused by what he read, will still agree that the notes themselves are really good.

Jacob notices, but doesn't question it.

They meet Sally, Luna, and Zero at home, glad to see the boys home.

Sally asks how the meeting went and Jack changes his answer from before as he and Sally give each other a peck on the lips, because they're married and love each other.

The meeting went great and this year's Halloween should also be great.

Sally's glad, and so is Luna, who's glad to see her brothers together, all things considered.

Jacob, when their parents' backs are turned, mouths, "Bite me," while Daemon returns the sentiment, asking how her time with Sally was.

Luna holds up a basket of herbs and smiles that she and their mother will have enough herbs to last until spring.

Daemon is very glad to hear it, though Jacob spaces out again, thinking back to the word 'eventful' and his notes.

Speaking of which, Luna asks about the meeting, cause she loves seeing her brother be tormented.

Jacob, unfazed, says it actually went swimmingly, which must grind her gears.

Daemon stops them and suggests Luna get the herbs to the kitchen.

Jacob leaves and goes to his room the put the notepad on his desk. He goes back to his family, but we see what he wrote that got Jack uncomfortable:

Holiday Doors drawn in a circle, each of them with a question mark around them, save for Halloween, because he's already there.

Back with the family, they're eating some dinner, and Daemon's showing his crazy side by wanting to stab his meal to bits and pieces, but not doing it because his mother AND father are at the table.

Luna asks what ideas there are for this year's Halloween.

Jack explains some ideas regarding utilizing spiders and even using shadows a little more, but Jacob is zoning out.

Quick side note here, if we're going off the headcanon that Jack deals with depression or a form of it, then I'm adding that Jacob has some attention problems. He doesn't SEEK attention, he just struggles with staying focused after a while, he fidgets, he gets overwhelmed when his mind's getting off track and he's still trying to focus, he zones out, he fidgets, he gets TOO caught up in doing something after doing it for a while, and, if it's REALLY bad, he dissociates.

TL;DR: Jacob has something along the lines of ADHD and a little bit of Dissociation. Still happy, still healthy, just a little iffy on whether or not he wants the lights on or off upstairs, metaphorically speaking.

Back on track, Jack asks Jacob to explain his ideas, which gets him to pay attention and he obliges.

Turns out one of his ideas involves using the shade and finding a way to get all of the power turned off as to frighten the people even more.

It's an impressive idea, all the same Luna tells Jacob not to get too high on his horse, in case someone with problems gets hurt.

He nods and continues eating, saying he'll keep it in mind.

Sally asks if there was anything else that happened and Jacob denies it, saying Jack would probably remember it all better, anyway.

Luna and Daemon exchange a glance, not fully buying it.

Outside of a window, a centipede looking bug stares at the family before crawling away and transitioning us to the triplets' room, where Jacob is trying to even out his hair for the night before bed. Daemon is laying his pillows out so they form a coffin or a casket around him while Luna braids her hair so it doesn't get messy; have you ever tried brushing yarn out withoit ruining it?

Luna asks what ideas Jacob REALLY has, and Jacob feigns ignorance, that he doesn't really remember.

Daemon gives one of those 'not buying it' "mm-hm"s and Luna folds her arms, asking about the doors he keeps writing about.

Jacob turns to them, eyes asking how she knows about that.

Luna only states that he's just like Dad: the WORST at hiding things that he doesn't want people to see.

Jacob barks at her to drop it and goes to bed.

Luna does the same, muttering that when tbeir father found the doors, it didn't end well for him, so if he wants to be better, he'd better steer clear.

Jacob ignores her and we learn through some internal monologue that he doesn't want to just be better than Jack or his expectations, he wants to exceed him, the town, and everything else.

In their room, Sally spots Jack staring out a window and asks what he's thinking about.

Jack turns and asks if she had any visions on her walk with Luna.

She did, but she wants to know what's bothering Jack first.

Jacob drew the holiday doors while taking notes, and he needs to know that his son is not going to make the same mistake he did.

The two hug and Sally admits she did have a vision, but it just showed one of the doors, the stars exploding, and Jacob running into the woods while she heard nothing but laughter.

Jack holds her tighter and nonverbally promises himself and Sally that he will not let Jacob make the same mistakes as his father.

#the nightmare before christmas #jack skellington #sally skellington #sally ragdoll #jack x sally #oc children #sequel fanfic

[pastamic]

So I’ve seen quite a few posts complaining about the way Entrapta was treated by the Princesses, particularly with a lot of vitriol towards Mermista. I know a lot of us who are neurodivergent are really excited about Entrapta as a character because she’s autistic coded and a lot of us can really relate to her. I think a lot of us are also, and rightfully so, very defensive of the way these types of characters are treated because they get treated honestly so badly by show creators and other characters in their series more often than not, and that’s totally reasonable. If you’re uncomfortable with the way she was treated in regards to what I’m about to talk about I’m in no way saying you can’t still be uncomfortable about this because this is just my opinion and the way I saw it as one touch-averse ND person. To preface this I have not received an autism diagnoses, but I have an ADHD diagnoses and have started to suspect that I might be autistic as well (though it’s hard to tell with the overlapping symptoms.) My fiance is autistic and also has ADHD and has agreed with me on several of these points. 

SO 

[id: Screenshot of Mermista pulling Entrapta’s hair while they approach Horde Prime’s spire in season 5. Caption reads “I’m sorry I’m bad at listening!” end id]

This scene, which a lot of people had an issue with. I had an issue with it at first too bc like pulling peoples hair is generally like not okay! Though the situation was very stressful and dire and Mermista was under a lot of stress. I think this episode was actually particularly important because it showed Entrapta’s issues with feelings and people (like not realizing they were all upset with her) and the stress and residual resentment from fighting on opposite sides and the issues that the other princesses had with understanding Entrapta with a resolution that got talked through. Something that in my personal experience is really important for everyone, but especially ND people and people with mental illnesses. Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen and they all talked it through and I thought it was very sweet. 

But, the hair pulling (and the weird leash thing that Perfuma made with vines but that’s a whole post on it’s own and I’m not gonna get into it) 

Now like I said I thought it was kinda shitty at first, but thanks to quarantine and depression I’ve re-watched spop probably fifteen times now and I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern. 

Most of us have already noticed that Entrapta uses her hair as hands for stuff 

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta leaning over in Hordak’s lab and shaping one of her pigtails into a hand. Caption reads “Failure is a vital part of scientific endeavor.” end id]

Like literal hands

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta standing in Darla’s doorway holding her tools with her hair and making a suggestive face. end id] 

It’s her superpower, and while the other princesses do use their powers as a bit of an extension of themselves, for Entrapta her hair is straight up another body part/limb for her. Tbh if I had hair like that I would use it for literally everything and never touch shit with my hands. 

I think I’ve seen people point this out to an extent before but I noticed that Entrapta never really reaches out to touch anybody with her actual hands with the exception of Hordak.

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta smiling  in the Fright Zone squishing Catra’s cheeks with her hair. Caption reads “Hi, Catra. I saved your life. You’re welcome.” end id]

When she convinces Hordak to send Catra to the Crimson Waste instead of to Beast Island she like grabs her cheeks with her hair, and again in season 5 she pats Catra on the head when she tells her she forgives her. 

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta and Hordak in Hordak’s lab. Entrapta is using her hair to hold out Hordak’s arms in a T-pose. Caption reads “And you’re really way too obsessed with this whole failure thing.” end id] 

And when she’s talking about Hordak’s disability and brainstorming about his suit. I actually chose both of the above screenshots because I thought at first that she only used her hair in place of her hands because her hands always had her tablet in them but both of her hands are free in these scenes, though one could argue that she needs to use her hair to reach Hordak’s hands, she could lift herself up with her hair if she really wanted to reach out with her hands. 

Actually there’s a point in Season 3, episode 4 where she straight up just scratches her hair with the Shera sword so I’m not even sure she has feeling in her hair??? 

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta in Hordak’s lab scratching her head with the Shera sword. Caption reads “I’m not sure if we just need the sword or if we need She-Ra, too.” end id] 

She’s scratching her head with a big fuck off sword so I think that we can infer two things from that: that she can’t really feel much through her hair, and that her hair is like durable as fuck. Considering she lifts herself up by her hair a ton I’d imagine it’s not attached to her scalp in quite the same sensitive way that like non-magic hair would be. 

So I think it makes sense, and might be a respect of her boundaries, to reach for her hair over her hand if they need to keep her from going somewhere. You could argue that grabbing someone in general is a disrespect of boundaries, and in a lot of cases it can be, but in the case of a battle or dangerous mission grabbing someone isn’t really out of the ordinary. We see it with the Best Friends Squad a lot, but also with Scorpia and like literally everyone she’s around. 

When Hordak saves Entrapta from the portal exploding we do see him grab her by the hand, but it’s continuously established that Entrapta exhibits way more intimacy with him than with pretty much anyone else. She allows touch from others and doesn’t seem bothered by it, but Hordak is the person she most consistently reaches out to in regards to touch. 

[id: Screenshot of Bow kissing Entrapta’s pigtail like it’s her hand. end id] 

When Bow first officially meets Entrapta he kisses her pigtail like it’s her hand, which by the way is just super adorable I love fanboy Bow, but it’s not just Bow. Catra and Scorpia also mainly interact with Entrapta through her hair.

Whenever someone needs to interact with Entrapta in a tactile way, it’s pretty much always through her hair. When Entrapta needs to interact with others in a tactile way, it’s pretty much always through her hair. Entrapta’s hair is like another set (sets?? She can split her hair up a lot) of hands. So I don’t think it’s as rough of a treatment as people are making it out to be. It’s not like pulling a non-magic person’s hair. Entrapta’s hair is magic and she uses it in place of her hands near constantly. It’s not like pulling someone else’s hair because Entrapta’s hair is her power, it’s an extension of herself in a way that other’s hair is not. 

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with Mermista (or others) pulling Entrapta’s hair if that makes you uncomfortable, especially if you’re neurodivergent as many of us have experiences of people completely disregarding our bodily autonomy and infantilizing us in a way that’s frustrating and harmful, but (and I’m not gonna name names bc this isn’t meant to be a discourse post and I’ve seen it a lot) demonizing Mermista for pulling her hair in a high stress situation when she’s struggling with leadership already and Entrapta is seemingly ignoring her orders to do whatever for the sake of science. Though we find out that’s not the case, Mermista doesn’t know that at first and was intending to keep Entrapta from putting herself or the rest of the team in danger which is a foundation of leadership responsibility. 

Should she have tried to be more understanding of Entrapta and actually try to communicate frankly that she was mad instead of assuming that Entrapta would realize it on her own? Absolutely, especially as a leader. But she’s new to leadership and that’s like half of what that episode was about, and people make mistakes, especially with communication. That’s something that I think spop as a show handles really well. People make mistakes, people do things they regret, and people struggle with things like communicating and boundaries even when they have the best of intentions. What matters is that it’s talked out, apologized for, resolved, etc. I’m ND myself, and I’m friends with a lot of neurodivergent people and miscommunications happen A LOT even with like the base knowledge that we need to speak bluntly, clearly, and honestly in order to be understood. Sometimes even when you’re blunt and honest and open things still get miscommunicated. I definitely think the princesses infantilize Entrapta far too much, but I don’t think the hair pulling is as much of an issue as I’ve seen people make it out to be and I definitely don’t think Mermista is some Vile Bitch (tm) for doing what she did. 

(Also I took all these screenshots myself please appreciate that I spent like two hours combing through spop episodes to find them djsfjklds) 

#spop #shera and the princesses of power #mermista #entrapta #hordak #bow #adora #shera #catra #scorpio #perfuma #glimmer #the best friends squad #darla #entrapta centric post #entrapta meta #meta #is this meta??? #holy shit my first full meta #spop meta #fandom meta #fandom drama #kind of #long post

[ryttu3k]

could you post the ending where you side with the SI and Julian gets pissed off by your decision? I also noticed that Julian never really introduces himself to anyone or says a simple goodbye to the courier, like, ever. I mean even after ten years or so he just resumes the conversation as if nothing happened. Not even the courier calls him out on this. I wonder why that is lol

Heh, regarding Julian’s conversational patterns, there’s a really interesting post here on friendship degradation mechanisms with ADHD! And Julian absolutely has ADHD.

And for the SI ending, ooh, I haven't got that one written down. I do want it handy for reference, so time for a speedrun with my SI-affiliated Toreador! Here's all the dialogue from the SI attack onwards.

Before you can speak, Lettow jumps up.

"What?" Julian says.

Your phone chimes. You run, throwing yourself out the door just as the missile hits.

Fragments of stone and metal fly over your head. You get clear, reaching your Escalade, and look back at the blown-apart warehouse.

Flames are everywhere. Your Beast screams in wild terror and only the greatest exercise of Willpower keeps you under control, but your body shakes uncontrollably. You have only one clear thought—run! Still, you grit your teeth and force yourself to look around.

Only the vampires survived the blast, and they look badly hurt. Prince Lettow took a direct hit; his clothes hang in tatters, like a shroud, and his skin is blackened. Julian and his helmeted assistant, Z, are burned and stunned. Julian's servants are gone.

Hunters are inbound. You see Bearcats and Humvees, police cruisers and Buick Avenirs. The floodlights turn on, illuminating the burning warehouse and hiding almost a hundred hunters in the glare as they advance.

A bullet zips past your head as a hunter in militia gear opens fire. An FBI agent waves for him to stop—it looks like there are orders for you not to be harmed—but that's hardly a perfect defense. You duck behind the Sprinter van. It might be time to get out of here.

There's just one problem: Julian is standing between you and your Escalade, a karambit in both hands. He spins the little blades.

"You did this," he says. "You betrayed us all."

[The sight of so much fire means that you are now in a fear frenzy and cannot think clearly unless you focus your Willpower or escape.]

> "I tried to warn you! I told you we were monsters, and I told you I would stop you."

Another explosion obliterates the computer shop. Bricks and pieces of rebar rain down.

Julian screams and rushes you, quick as the wind. Then he breaks away before he gets into karambit range. Even as he moves, his silhouette breaks up, becoming a pixelated gray blur as he fades from sight and circles you, looking for a chance to strike.

> I need to talk him down. "You can still escape, Julian. Don't let them kill you here." [CHA/MAN+Persuasion]

"How could you do this?" Julian cries.

"To save people!" you say. "And I'm trying to save you. Run, before it's too late!"

He looks at the raging inferno all around him, the ruins of his project, then back at you. Then he fades away.

That's the last time you see him.

More gunfire arcs around you and hammers the Sprinter van. You duck, then get into your Escalade and get away from the burning warehouse.

So I thought that was it, but hey! Apparently Lettow wanted his say, too!

You slide into heavy traffic, scanning the late-night vehicles for signs of pursuit. No hunters, no cops. Good. You have a moment to think as you scan the streets.

Front, back, left, right. Nothing. If you breathed, you'd be breathing a little easier. You're just turning your thoughts to the next step of this desperate plan when a shadow passes over you.

You look up. Riga.

Then you crane your head out of your window.

Something like Riga, but with a wingspan like a light aircraft.

Lettow is following you, and it looks like he cares more about revenge for your "betrayal" than about preserving the Masquerade.

And here come the hunters: Buick SUVs close in on your location. Others are on a nearby bridge. They're tracking Lettow, trying to get close enough to open fire with rifles or even heavier munitions. You're not sure Donati cares about collateral damage anymore. The SI will blow holes in Tucson to take down its Prince.

This is it, you realize. The Eagle Prince plans to destroy you here and now. But with so many hunters around him, he'll only have one shot at you. If you can buy yourself a few seconds and slip out of his sight, he won't be able to try again.

But how?

> My supernaturally keen eyes will let me spot alleys, vacant lots, and other places where I can hide my SUV from Lettow. [Auspex]

You drive slowly, looking for little-used routes that Lettow won't be able to track from above.

Tucson is a low, flat city, but finally you spot a messy construction site next to a parking garage.

You turn hard, cutting off oncoming traffic and racing into the construction site as Lettow dives for you.

But just as you planned, he has to back off. Tarps cover most of the site, and he'd get tangled if he dove. You keep moving, weaving through narrow alleys, then blowing through a Chevron station—the covering over the pumps prevents Lettow from reaching you easily.

Then you reverse right into an unfinished apartment complex that you saw last week, going straight through the building itself.

And he's lost you.

You roll out with your lights off and look up. Lettow is on a nearby building, scanning the darkness with his golden eyes.

That's when the SI lights him up. Heedless that they're operating in the middle of Tucson, dozens of agents and soldiers open fire with rifles and truck-mounted weapons.

Lettow lurches in midair. But he's still an elder vampire. The huge eagle dives, scythes through a truck full of agents, killing five in a single pass, and then rises into the air, higher, higher, until he and Riga disappear into the clouds.

The last you see of Prince Lettow, he's flying east, away from Tucson, out of his fallen domain.

You disappear into traffic, getting away from the SI as quickly as you can.

An inescapable element of existing as a vampire is ignorance. The Masquerade is a shadow that swallows clarity and understanding. People suspect and imply, but they rarely know for certain.

Your final nights in Tucson are frightening but uninteresting. You check the news, divest from your real estate holdings, and listen to word on the street.

Over the next few nights, during which time the news reports a few strange acts of violence, a terrorist attack, and a zoo escape, you learn that Prince Lettow was almost certainly destroyed. Dove perished in a midday raid on her haven, and nothing remains of the Viper but a gutted heap.

The city's Kindred are scattered and leaderless, easy pickings for hunters that are now free to operate during the day, dragging vampires out of their havens and destroying them.

Despite the chaos in the shadow-world you inhabit, Tucson looks the same. The city's downtown is not ablaze, the national guard hasn't been mobilized. It's just another shadow-war for vampires to fight.

And it's time to leave.

Your plans to escape Tucson run into surprisingly little red tape as you sell your bungalow and liquidate your other assets.

You got what you could out of your deal with the SI, but now it's time to go.

Go where? Tucson never felt like home, but it was, at least, a base of operations. You can't just stick to the road forever; the highways are too dangerous right now, with the SI active and your bridges with the Camarilla burned. You see a few possible futures.

From what you hear, Seattle is a key city for the Camarilla's blood trade. You could head up north and, if you have enough venture capital, try to strike it rich, really establish yourself.

But maybe money isn't everything. Could you work with hunters to stop more Cainite depredations? From what you hear, Dallas/Fort Worth is now completely out of control, with open fighting in the streets among different vampire factions. If the SI trusts you enough, you could return there and try to protect humanity from the predators in their midst.

But you still feel the alien vitae inside of you: the 2100 Formula. You've heard that a scholar of the Blood dwells in Denver, someone who could answer a lot of your questions. With the briefcase full of Julian's Program research, you should be able to make inroads there. The only difficulty will be finding this scholar, and avoiding the hunters who suspect what kind of power you carry in your Blood. If you head for Denver, you'll have to hope that you've left the Masquerade intact enough here that you can reach Colorado without an army of hunters following you.

Finally…maybe you could just try to live a life. You're dead, of course, but you could try existing as a person, if only for a few years. You've heard that San Francisco is a good place for that sort of thing ever since the old Prince left for LA. Maybe you could cultivate your Humanity and try to live, instead of simply exist.

> I drive east to Dallas/Fort Worth. I'll use my Inquisition contacts to fight the vampires there. [Second Inquisition Hostility]

One month later...

Dallas is burning.

Not literally, not really. From your vantage atop this parking garage, you can't see any fires. But you know that the Inquisition has torn through the city, scattered its warring factions, dragged predators screaming into sunlight every day for the past two weeks. You know all this because you've commanded them from the shadows.

You finish your work tonight.

"We're the masters of this city," one of D'Espine's beautiful ghouls says through bloody teeth. "Even if you kill me, we'll always be here. Feeding and taking and ruling from the shadows. We are immortal! We—"

The other hunters have heard enough. They toss him off the roof and head to their van.

You get back in your SUV because your final target is on the move. D'Espine—the last Cainite of any real power in Dallas—has left the Cinderblock.

This is how you've succeeded in Dallas: not just through your network of hunters, but because you know how to move through a city. As the Cainites have crawled into their holes, believing themselves safe, you've never stopped moving, never stopped striking. And now you're almost done.

You roll out of the parking garage and point your Escalade at the Cinderblock. By tomorrow night you'll be done here, and you'll hit the road.

RIP Lettow and Dove. Julian did get out, though!

#vampire the masquerade #vtm night road #vtmnr spoilers #baron of 2100

[vividaway]

Maybe instead of focusing on Joey and Daniel calling Gabbie out (which is their right. If Gabbie can call out them for what she perceives as bad working conditions, than they have every right to refute her claims), you and the rest of the stans should address the latest information about Bianca that has been brought to light as well as the fact that Gabbie stalked someone online who happened to be underaged.

PLEASE CONSIDER SIGNING TO MAKE BIANCA'S LAW REAL. https://www.change.org/p/bianca-s-law-stop-the-spread-of-violent-and-graphic-images-on-the-internet

BEFORE ALL OF THIS LET ME SAY: your use of Bianca Devins in this disgusting manipulative way is exactly that-- disgusting and manipulative. my twitter messages are open, so to not only track down my tumblr, but ANONYMOUSLY LEAVE A MESSAGE TRYING TO USE BIANCA'S NAME LIKE THIS? DIS-FUCKING-GUSTING.

___

Alright, here's a concept.

It's not Joey and Daniels place to refute Gabbie's claims. Their main point in all of this was "She never filled out the form! It's all her fault!" which is actually irrelevant to the story, seeing as she had told them PERSONALLY. in a FACE TO FACE INTERACTION.

the fact of the matter is, as the showrunner, and literal creator of the show, it is your responsibility to ensure the safety of ALL of your cast and crew. and yes, this does include the mental well-being (of the rest of the cast)--

-- and on that note, i also need to say that them not communicating to Gabbie that she were to be killed off, to me, is just unprofessional. it would have made filming a lot better. like honestly, do you think Gabbie would have been as pissed if she knew she wasn't going to be there again?

and another thing-- if Gabbie acted SO horribly, why did they stay her friend? Collab on her channel? if Gabbie acted SO BADLY during SEASON TWO... why did they invite her back? and if Tana was an issue, why invite HER back? I'm very glad that tana had a better time during season 4, but the fact that they knew BOTH OF THEM were bad on set, yet invited them back? they're literally setting up every other person around them for a toxic work-place experience. I've said it once and it's my next point, too, its un. pro. fessional.

ignoring all of that. literally every single piece of information i've stated above. THERE ARE TWO SOLE REASONS I STAND WITH GABBIE.

1. Joey and Daniel, no matter how horrible Gabbie may have acted, had no right to play out Gabbie's voice memo's where she was expressing that she was EXTREMELY UPSET. that she was dealing with multiple things in her life. They had NO right. Trisha Paytas, of all people, has even heard that voice memo enough to MOCK, AND MAKE FUN OF GABBIE'S EATING DISORDER, PUBLICLY, MULTIPLE TIMES, REFERENCING THE VOICE MEMO. to have the people you WORKED FOR, DO THAT? how could anyone in their cast ever trust them again? who's to say you wont send them a genuinely confidential voice memo, and they STILL decide to share it with people?

2. BECAUSE GABBIE'S MENTAL HEALTH ISNT A CRUTCH, IT ISNT AN EXCUSE, AND IT SURE AS HELL ISNT A JOKE. Gabbie Hanna was on the brink of suicide, she was struggling with an eating disorder, had undiagnosed, unmedicated ADHD, was dealing with immense c-ptsd, and it is ALL. FUCKING. VALID.

for YEARS. I've been told to stop using my Bipolar as a crutch. that i was in therapy for it, and that i needed to use coping mechanisms. i was later diagnosed with BPD-- and suddenly i didn't need to cope anymore. my anger was suddenly understandable. people finally believed me.

you DO NOT. HAVE TO HAVE. A FUCKING GOD DAMN PERSONALITY DISORDER TO BE FUCKING BELIEVED.

ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING?

my BPD WASN'T THE ISSUE.

IT WAS MY ADHD.

its literally wired into our brains, and WE. CANNOT. CONTROL. IT. the ONLY THING WE CAN DO, IS TREAT IT.

to continue to NOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE CLEARLY EXPRESSING THEIR LIMITS is the reason mental health is in its infancy today. we know when something is too much, and we know when our conditions are causing us to have outbursts, because its something we dont do EVERY SINGLE DAY. we need to realize that ALL. MENTAL. ILLNESSES. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

IS JUST AS IMPORTANT. JUST AS DIFFICULT. AND JUST AS UNIQUE, AS ANY OTHER MENTAL ILLNESS.

with the amount of genetical defects, the amount of nationalities that exist, the amount of co-morbidities, EVERY. SINGLE. THING. THAT MAKES ME DIFFERENT FROM YOU? you GENUINELY expect there to be a person in the world with the EXACT SAME THOUGHT PROCESS, exact same conditions, exact same life circumstances, as me? as Gabbie? as YOU?

there is a reason people with mental illness have a common symptom, no matter the condition. that symptom is the thought that no one in the world can possibly have the same thought process as you. its the symptom that i essentially expressed a paragraph before this one. and its because we realize that THERE ISNT. that it isnt a symptom, but a fact, to us. because you cant thing the way i can. my brain will only ever process the way MY. BRAIN. PROCESSES.

that. is why i stand by Gabbie.

____________________________________________

So, the new information about Bianca Devins? Alright, lets talk about it.

Kim Devins, Bianca's mom, has called for all drama channels to apologize to Gabbie Hanna for the way they treated her in regards to her commenting on Bianca's shirts.

I know you want me to say that it turns out Gabbie is actually manipulating the mother, and Gabbie actually WAS exploiting Bianca---

NO.

KIM DEVINS IS A GROWN WOMAN. KIM DEVINS HAS SAID PUBLICLY, ON HER OWN, PUBLIC TWITTER ACCOUNT, THAT GABBIE HANNA DESERVES AN APOLOGY. KIM DEVINS HAS STATED THAT EVERYTHING GABBIE HAS SAID WAS IN FACT-- THE TRUTH. TO SAY GABBIE IS LYING, IS TO SAY THE MOTHER IS LYING, AS THE MOTHER HAS NOT ONLY APPROVED OF, BUT ENDORSED THE VIDEO.

i know i linked this before everything, but if you haven't already, PLEASE. FUCKING. SIGN.

https://www.change.org/p/bianca-s-law-stop-the-spread-of-violent-and-graphic-images-on-the-internet

_____________________________________________

Yeah uhh..so first off, Gabbie never doxxed ANYONE. as someone who's had their literal home IP leaked-- you shouldn't just throw that term around lightly. its genuinely traumatic for people to be doxxed.

Gabbie did however, grab the IP of someone. she did this, because she was worried it was someone SHE FULLY KNEW, was a danger to minors.

Second off, this was talked about quite awhile ago, in april or may-- she actually did that WELL OVER a year ago. we only know because she talked about it on Marco Polo (an app where you can group video chat and text. it was a perk of one of the tiers of her patreon) and it was leaked recently. so i don't really get your point in that.

Gabbie only did that because of all the minor fans that people were SCREAMING for Gabbie to protect last summer. They blamed Gabbie for certain fans that were getting bullies by anti's, all because Gabbie herself didn't tell people not to. so OF FUCKING COURSE she is going to do anything she can to protect her fans if she FULLY KNOWS a PROPER P*DO is trying to imitate a fan account, and she thinks she found it.

When the IP didn't match with where she knew the gross ass guy lived, she completely discarded it. Honestly, if you're upset with this, you might at well be upset with THIS, too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaJqBug10MQ

--------------------------------------------------------

ALL OF THIS TO SAY:

THIS IS A THOMAS SANDERS BLOG

PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT GABBIE HANNA.

#TW Murder #TW Swearing #TW Discourse #TW Youtube Discourse #TW ED #TW Eating Disorder #TW Suicide #TW Depression #TW Bullying #TW Twitter Drama #TW Drama #Trigger Warning #TW #Triggering #Triggering content #murder #swearing #discourse #youtube discourse #youtube #gabbie hanna #gabbie hanna discourse #gh discourse #ed #eating disorder #suicide #depression #bullying #twitter drama #drama

[the-final-sif]

interview about writing processes

Hey Lady Sif,

thank you for taking time for us and agreeing to answer our interview questions.

Since this was of short notice we decided to change the deadline to June 19.

We hope the time frame suits you.

Here are our questions:

Can you shortly describe us your writing history? How did you start off? How did you come across fanfiction?

Do you have a writing philosophy that helps you overcome challenges in writing?

Could you describe your writing environment? (workplace, prefered writing tools, fandom discourse, discourse with friends)

What inspires you to write and post in and for a fandom? What triggers your headcanons? Does your educational background influence your writing?

In how far does your fandom experience influence your writing?

In how far do you work with others to create fan content? And what ideas do you integrate in your writing?

Are there certain steps you take/decisions you make when/before responding to a post/prompt?

When and why did you decide to host writing events like your fake fics event? What was the purpose and how did you approach the title prompts?

How would you describe the difference between writing alone and writing spontaneously with others (first in creating fan theories and headcanons and second in creating fanfiction)?

Do you think knowing that others read and can comment on your texts subconsciously influences your writing?

What motivated you to create a story where your readers can decide for an ending (name)?

Is there anything else you consider important in your writing process that you would like to tell us?

Thanks again for your time and effort, we are very much looking forward to your answers!

If you’re interested we’ll keep you updated on our findings.

Kind regards, Dana and Helena

----

Can you shortly describe us your writing history? How did you start off? How did you come across fanfiction?

I started writing when I was very young! I was a huge reader, and even before I was writing stuff down I was a storyteller. It’s a really important part of my family & how we communicate with each others and others.

My first experience with fanfiction was when I was,, 7 or 8? That sounds about right. I hand wrote a fanfiction called “ShoppingCats” which something between warrior cats and Cats vs Dogs, but also made primarily of my OCs (+ a handful of warriors characters I liked). I still have most of it, it’s sitting in my desk drawer in it’s original binder, since my mother saved it.

I came across fandom spaces / online fanfiction in 2012 with fanfiction.net, and published my first fanfiction in 2013 (under Rosae-Sif on fanfiction.net). I’ve taken breaks as my interests changed & life got chaotic, but I’ve always enjoyed retelling stories that I hear and changing them to suit me more / explore new themes, so I’ve stuck with it after all this time.

Do you have a writing philosophy that helps you overcome challenges in writing?

Yes! I write for myself above all else. It’s fun to write stuff for other people sometimes, and I like getting feedback and what not, but I never let that be the focus of my writing. I always try to write what I want to be reading, so when I go back and reread what I’ve written, more often than not I find I’ve produced something that makes me happy, and that helps keep me going when a lot of other things couldn’t.

Could you describe your writing environment? (workplace, prefered writing tools, fandom discourse, discourse with friends)

Uhhh, I don’t really have any one set thing. I mostly write on my laptop, sometimes I use a notebook + pen. I have 5$ fountain pen that I got that I really love when I have writer’s block.

I think the most consistent “workplace” for me is actually discord/my friends. Almost all of my AUs/fics/ideas start as me storytelling (either typing things out or out loud) to someone else. That’s where the spark comes from, and then that slowly is refined through several iterations until I have something I like. 

I really like taking long walks with headphones & nobody else around. That’s when a lot of the very early forms of my favorite ideas come to me. It’s a key part of my writing process the few times I get stuck on stuff too. I just go walk till I figure it out.

I don’t really get involved in discourse much. I like debating people, but I try to stay away from destructive stuff and just have my own fun corner where I create things. I’m in fandom for fun, and I refuse to let me experience be tainted by people who try to turn it into Discourse Central.

What inspires you to write and post in and for a fandom? What triggers your headcanons? Does your educational background influence your writing?

As I mentioned before, I write and post primarily for myself! I have a lot of ideas in my head all the time, and things I want to see, so I create those things and then put them here. It’s fun when other people interact with me + add onto my ideas + create things in response!

My headcanons are usually just kinda,,,, coming out of my brain. I think it’s just how I am. I have a question or a thought and I start looking into it and before I know it, a whole new thing has come out of it.

I think my family actually influenced a lot of my writing style more than anything else. I mean, I was homeschooled for a long time, and my parents were very encouraging of whatever weird projects I was creating (my dad once even let me cut down and drag actual brambles into the basement to create a warriors style fort). I was allowed to dress however I wanted (during high school I worn nothing but PJ pants b/c they were most comfy for me, and also I had/have several capes that I would rotate through), I was allowed to dye my hair (still do! it’s current a side shave in red + purple + blue!), and I was encouraged to just,,, be weird and happy. I think that shows in how I write. I pursue the ideas I want to go after, I indulge myself, I commit to thinks and I focus more on what I want to write rather than what I feel I should write.

That being said, a lot of science nerding that comes out in my writing is def from my educational background. I’ve got a bachelors and stuff. I did take some writing classes, but to be honest, I think my fanfiction experience influenced those a lot more than they influenced my fanfiction (years and years of writing constantly and quickly paid off in college where I would BS papers the night before and get top marks on it).

In how far does your fandom experience influence your writing?

Hmm, I don’t think it does that much? I mean, for the BNHA fandom in particular, I think that seeing all the cool content + ideas other people create really keeps my brain chugging along and creating new things, and god, having seen people make fanart and fanfiction for my stories has been one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced, but I don’t think that’s really changed how I’m writing.

At my core, I’m still doing the same thing my 8 year old self was doing with her pencil and that binder full of paper. I take the strange thoughts out of my head, and I follow them onto the paper until I create something that makes me happy.

I’ve had some negative experiences of course. I mean, everyone does. They’ve all been fairly minor, mostly just people trying to tell me I’m wrong about stuff that’s either in an AU that’s already not supposed to be canon, or stuff I’m right about. Most of the time it’s just annoying. Sometimes it’s concerning. I ignore or delete the annoying stuff, I don’t want to give it any of my time or attention. 

The concerning stuff I try to reply to. It’s been rare, but sometimes I get comments on certain fics trying to tell me what’s being depicted in my fic isn’t abusive when it absolutely is. I try to correct that and link to resources when I do get that. I usually don’t get a reply, but a few times I’ve had people realize that what they thought was normal was actually abusive behavior. I’m happy that I’m able to help people come to that realization.

In how far do you work with others to create fan content? And what ideas do you integrate in your writing?

Hmmm, I’ll be honest, I’m not quite sure how to answer this one. I don’t exactly work with others when creating my fan content? All of my writing (save one RP collab homestuck fic from ages ago) is done by me exclusively, and most my ideas are also mostly from my own brain. Although I will say one exception to that is @windschildfanfictionwriter​ whose an amazing bnha writer I chat with fairly frequently when I need help figuring something out.

It’s less of “working” with people, and more discussing things/ideas, and being excited about stuff. Sometimes literally all I need is someone to be my rubber duck while I talk about an idea for 2-3 hours to get it solidified. People in my discord server often help me by betaing (editing/reviewing) my wips. My adhd means I often make weird mistakes, and they’re wonderful at helping me catch that.

As for ideas I pull into my writing, it’s hard to pick out specific ones. I think I kinda create + absorb + integrate lots of stuff at once. A lot of the times my ideas don’t come from things other authors write, but instead come from things other authors didn’t write. When I see an thought/idea/thread in a story that isn’t followed up on, or isn’t handled how I think it should be handled, that often inspires me to either use a similar base concept or similar thought but in the way I wish it had been done.

Are there certain steps you take/decisions you make when/before responding to a post/prompt?

Not really? I tend to just go with whatever comes to me or what I already had prepared. I’m rather impulsive, so unless it’s a delicate subject matter, I roll with whatever’s going on.

I do always make myself take a step back before responding to stuff that annoys me/any sort of anon hate. I have to remind myself it’s not worth the effort and I should focus on positive/fun stuff. I’ll admit though, I have a very combative nature that can get the better of me sometimes. I’ve gotten better at that though! Hooray for proper adhd medication to help prevent destructive stimulus seeking behavior and therapy! Although I do still like to debate stuff for fun, I just don’t let myself get hostile about it.

When and why did you decide to host writing events like your fake fics event? What was the purpose and how did you approach the title prompts?

Oh, I just saw the post and thought it looked fun so I reblogged it. Stuff like that is mostly an impulse more than anything else.

I just kinda went with the flow for the titles. God, I got so many of those, I still have a lot of them sitting in my inbox, most of which I probably won’t ever post. For the ones I did do though, I picked ones that sounded like fic titles I would actually use, and then asked myself what sort of story I would use that title for. Then I just kinda wrote whatever came to me.

How would you describe the difference between writing alone and writing spontaneously with others (first in creating fan theories and headcanons and second in creating fanfiction)?

Hmmm. This one is also a bit hard. It’s rare I truly “write alone”, most of my stories start as a form of oral storytelling and then are adapted to “proper” writing. Most of my theories/headcanons start the same way.

You’ll notice a lot of my posts start with “Also” “Okay” or “I’ve been thinking” or “You know”. When I’m writing my headcanon/theory posts, it’s all written very conversationally because I’m still following my family’s storytelling in a way. It’s a public post, but I’m not just making statements to a void. I’m still talking to people, addressing them, leading them through stuff. It’s just how I communicate on a very fundamental leave.

I’m still writing for myself, I’m creating for myself, but I’m doing it with others. I’m telling a story constantly, and sometimes I’m telling that story to myself, but I’m still telling it to someone.

I think you can read that in my fics, with the perspective I tend to use. I use limited third person POV, but when I’m writing, I try to write it how the character I’m writing from the POV of would tell their own story. I’m not just describing what’s happening, I’m letting this character tell their story through their own voice, to others, to me. It’s a core part of my writing, and that makes it hard to say that it was ever really written alone.

Do you think knowing that others read and can comment on your texts subconsciously influences your writing?

I mean, it’d be impossible for it not to. But I don’t think it influences me that much. I’m still writing for myself most of the time, and I hold onto my bullshit tightly. I don’t change my writing based on what I think other people want to see from me.

That being said, it’s still something I think about. It’s more of a conscious choice, but specifically regarding my stories that have abuse in them, I try to connect in elements of realism and common underrepresented traits/habits of abuse (which I do try to check via research when I can) and ensure that they are then called out as what they are. I’ve gotten a number of comments/asks/discord messages from people telling me that my works helped them realize they were in a crappy situation / understand what they were going through, and that’s something that’s important for me.

I think The Green Eyed Monster is an example of that, where I explore platonic stalking/obsession/pressuring. It’s something I don’t see taken seriously often enough, so I wanted to frame it in a serious but realistic light and make it clear that what was happening was wrong and harmful. I wanted to explore this concept, but I purposefully did it in a way that I hoped would help others who might’ve dealt with it on some level understand it for what it was, and I think it really shows. In the comments of that fic, there’s a lot of very personal responses/stories from people who went through similar experiences. I think that’s important, so it’s something I try to do when I can.

The other thing is I do 100% put references/lines in certain stories with an evil grin on my face knowing that a certain handful of my commenters are going to rip their hair out over it, either because they have no idea what I mean by it, or they know exactly what I mean by it. But hey, I’m a hurt/comfort writer at heart, so you can hardly blame me.

What motivated you to create a story where your readers can decide for an ending (name)?

Oh, uh, “Seven Year Old Katsuki Has The Ability To Kill A Grown Man And No Concept Of Legality”.

I actually can’t remember the exact inspiration for this one? I think I saw uhhh, Markiplier, playing a text adventure game, and I got curious about creating something similar.

I considered using a platform meant for text based games, but true to my family’s long history of needlessly complicating things and creating things where they aren’t meant to be created out of some mix of spite and creative hubris, I decided I wanted to make it on A03 instead. I looked up a style formatting guide, and went to work.

That whole project took like 1-2 months, around school work and everything else. It was created entirely using links that sent you to the next page. That’s it. That’s the only ‘code’ functionality I had to work with. So I made a whole paper map of the routes, separating them out into “steps” and then created unique text blocks for each step based on prior choices. I used a secret point system for one of the main routes, and ended up with 97 unique steps, and 155 different text blocks/variations.

Fun project. A03 was having some trouble/going down right after I released it, and to this day, certain members of the discord server still blame me for that as I was forcing the website into bullshit it was not meant to contain.

Is there anything else you consider important in your writing process that you would like to tell us?

Nothing I can think of off the top of my head. Other than maybe I have an African Gray named Cecil, and sometimes when I’m not ready to share an idea with humans, I’ll talk it out with him first. He’s an excellent listener sometimes, and by that I mean he’s usually ignoring me or I’m giving him scratches and he’s not paying my rambling any mind.

Though sometimes I get lucky and when I finish up a point and ask for his opinion, he’ll just look at me for a moment and say “I love you.” He does it because I’ll always cave and give him treats since I’m weak for him, but it still makes me smile.

#sif speaks #sif answers #my writing #long post #if there's anything else #just let me know! #submission

[meteor752]

More bardlings stuff yaaaaay

This is basically just a bunch of shit I a), couldn’t fit into their respective deep dives, or b) Just came up with after the fact/I forgot to mention them.

This will all be very random, so yeah.

Let’s just get into it

Neither Bain or Tilda go by their real names

Bain’s realy name is Benjamin, but as a kid Sigird couldn’t say that, so she just said Bain and the name stuck

Tilda’s real name is Matilda, but she hates the name as she finds it “Too formal” and just introduces herself as Tilda

Sigrid’s middle name is Marina, Bain’s is Lachlan and Tilda’s is Lucia

Tilda has ADHD

While Tilda has Aloe, Bain has his own “Pet”, a clydesdale stallion named Cocoa

He also has a cat named Whiskey, who just like him is blind

And a dog named Halo that help guiding him (Basically a guide dog)

Sigrid has an Appaloosa mare named Autumn

Bain is actually a twin, but she died in the womb

Her name was Ellen

If the Bardlings would have been animals, then Bain would have been a Cocker Spaniel, Sigrid a Nightingale, and Tilda a fox

And if they would have been dragons then Bain would have been a Swamp Dragon, Sigrid a Water dragon and Tilda, of course, a Forest dragon

Sigrid has insomnia, and usually spends the nights playing the lute peacefully

Bain on the other hand is a napping god

I’ve mentioned a few times that Tilda enjoys climbing, but I don’t think you understand, she climbs everything

When she gets to a new place, like a forest or a mountain, she immediately calculates what places to grab on to, how much force would be needed for a specific jump, which branches that would crack if she stood on them etc etc

Like, she’s doing a Sherlock Holmes in her mind, just to figure out what to climb

While both Sigrid and Tilda get along well with Bain, they have a pretty bad relationship themselves, and would rather just avoid being around each other all together

They still love each other though

Sigrid is the biggest sweet tooth out of the three, while Tilda would rather starve than eat things like sweets and pastries

While Sigrid is the more musical out of them, both Bain and Tilda are excellent singers and can both play the lute

Tilda is a horrible dancer however, but enjoys doing it anyway

Tilda was often insecure about the fact that she was a human and not an elf, as she often got weird stares from many of the elves she met

She once nearly cut an Elf’s throat for pointing it out, and then mocking her for it

Sigrid is a Disney Princess, in the regard that sometimes when she just casually sings small animals will come up to her. Both Bain and Tilda tease her about it constantly, but she finds it calming.

While Tilda absolutely adores Legolas, and Bain is just happy to finally have a brother, Sigrid is not really too fond of him, especially since he encourages Tilda’s reckless behavior

Sigrid’s theme song would be The Sound Of Silence

Bain’s theme song would be Awake and Alive

Tilda’s theme song would be Just Like Fire

Bain and Tilda started calling themselves the dragonchildren after their father became a dragonslayer, and it got to the point that they started introducing themselves as either Dragonson or Dragondaughter, which they adopted as their second names

The first time Tilda met Aragorn it was her first visit to Rivendell, before her da and ada wed

She was jumping through some trees when she miscalculated the distance between two branches, and accidentally fell right on Aragorn who was just chilling out reading a book

She was already then thinking about just going down on him

But she did see the looks Aragorn and Legolas had when they talked to each other later, so she took it cool

When Bain had a child, Sigrid surprisingly became the best aunt ever

Tilda was a horrible aunt to both Brand and Frodo and Sam’s adopted kids, since she didn’t fully understand how to take care of another living being.

Bain and Aragorn are Sword Bro’s

Sigrid and Gimli are Ax bro’s

All three of the Bardlings take Father’s Day very seriously (Assuming that they have that middle earth, which I do)

During Mother’s Day, Sigrid and Bain lock themselves in Sigrid’s room and just talk about Eleonore the whole day

Tilda ignores that Mother’s Day exists, and just carries on as natural while still feeling a slight pang in her heart every time she sees some kid give their mom a flower or something

Physically Tilda should not be alive, considering the amount of hits she takes from falling from a tall height or just getting punched into a wall like, a hundred times a day, but luck has stayed on her side

Sigrid constantly worries for her sister, because she knows that her recklessness or her snappy behavior will get her killed any day now

Everyone was surprised when Tilda outlived Sigrid

SPEAKING OF WHICH-

Tilda’s dead body was found three days after she died, by a young traveling elf that recognized her as the daughter of the elven king

She was brought back to Mirkwood, where what was remaining of her family had a bit of a breakdown

She had a proper burial, along with the horns of Aloe, so that the two friends would be I’ll with each other even after death.

AU Masterpost

#lotr #the hobbit #lotr au #the hobbit au #sigrid daughter of bard #bain son of bard #tilda daughter of bard #bard the bowman #eleonore the bard #legolas greenleaf #thranduil #aragorn son of arathorn #gimli son of gloin #Aloe the elk #Barduil #Aralas #samfro #Me over here stanning a family no one else cares about

[paralianprince]

FULL NAME:  Peter Maunsell Kirkland  NICKNAME(S):  “Sea” (which he adores) or sometimes “Pete” (which gives him a rash every single time he hears it) AGE:  physically 14, chronologically 77  BIRTHDAY:  2 September    (he’s kind of weird in that  1. the actual day he began existing is concretely known and not in any way lost to time, but  2. it wasn’t anywhere near his founding day as a micronation.  so technically it’s actually in February but that’s COMPLICATED so WHATEVER he just IGNORES THAT)

SPECIES:  micronation personification  NATIONALITY:  english  GENDER:  male PREFERRED PRONOUN(S):  he / him ORIENTATION:  very in denial  RELIGION:  protestant - though fun fact, one of the rooms of the north tower is technically a multi-faith church  OCCUPATION:  moderately popular twitch streamer of humourous miscellany.  “STORYTIME!  MY HOUSE GOT TAKEN OVER AND I GOT SHOT?  (NOT CLICKBAIT), recounted while i clean my kitchen”   “reading your creepypasta suggestions with my mouth full of marshmallows”   “playing cs:go while BLINDFOLDED”,  that kind of thing.  also volunteers at a children’s reading group at the library and makes for a delightfully lively narrator  STATUS:  doing pretty well overall!  FANDOM:  hetaliaaa  FACE CLAIM:  don’t really have one ! 

                  RELATIONSHIPS:

PARENTS:  technically none, but he regards his first prince and princess as having fulfilled that role to him.  SIBLINGS:  eng|and, mostly!!  and though technically, this connects him with a LOT of people through eng|and, it’s hard for him to feel close to most of them unless he knows for sure that they’d regard him as an important member of their family, and not just Some Weird Irritating Micronation Who’s Just Kinda There.  they might be fond of him without him realising, but even then he’s slow to trust that.   he’s undecided whether Wy is more like a sibling or a cousin, but she’s... one of those, at least. shihong (kow|oon walled city) is a very important and deeply treasured Shitty Older Brother Figure and Generally A Bad Influence as well !!

SIGNIFICANT OTHER(S):  none, but heaven help him he gets so many stupid shitty crushes on his stupid shitty friends  CHILDREN:  he is the.   ENEMIES:  hopefully nobody, but occasionally eng|and (it REALLY depends), and his own best friends sometimes find themselves The Enemy Zone, because being the age that he is it just be like that sometimes. 

                 PHYSICAL TRAITS:

EYE COLOR(S):  bright clear blue, with green tinged in around the pupil.  like this!  HAIR COLOR(S):  sandy blond  HEIGHT:  about 5′5″  BODY BUILD:  looks like he should be really sturdy but is actually falling over himself constantly  NOTABLE PHYSICAL TRAITS:  he impulsively talked Adrien (Wy) into piercing his ear in the middle of the night during a sleepover at her house, so i guess he has that now!  his palms are calloused and rough, and he has a narrow scar on his upper-right arm where a bullet grazed him during the takeover of his house in 1978.  (he thinks it’s badass and will show it off to anybody.) he’s a bit far-sighted, but doesn’t wear glasses except at home, for using a computer or reading. 

              PHOBIAS AND DISEASES:

PHOBIA(S):  any land animal bigger than approximately a large dog (is not a phobia per se, but he finds them alarming and stressful to be around).  he’s similarly uneasy with violent sea storms and bad weather in general.  MENTAL DISEASE(S):   seasonal affective disorder, during the winter.  he’s self-conscious in a way that might qualify as a social anxiety, because he’s so hyper-aware of how other people might perceive him and often anticipating criticism or ridicule (which clashes pretty heavily with how outgoing he wants to be), but that might just the way his personality developed.  this last one doesn’t bother him like 97% of the time, but every few years he will suddenly get hit with this intense paranoia and exhaustive vigilance, and becomes afraid of leaving his house, which usually lasts a few months and goes away on its own. 

also, i’ve probably accidentally made him adhd coded just bc i also have that to a pretty intense degree, and so write from that perspective.  especially the way his anger just surges up out of nowhere, like damn 

PHYSICAL DISEASE(S):  none really ! 

                    PERSONALITY:

USUAL MOOD/EXPRESSION:  cheeky, supportive, encouraging, and playful - or ornery, dodgy and defensive if stressed out. 

                         MISC:

SKILLS:  repairing things and mechanics in general - especially in the “take it apart and figure it out by trial and error” fashion.  rope tying, swimming, football, navigation, climbing, firearm operation, keeping a level head during a crisis, and packing suitcases really efficiently.  he’s also recently taken up bookbinding.  and he’s actually pretty good at chess!   HOBBIES:  MUSIC!!  LITERATURE!!  travelling, video games, anime, taking things apart and putting them back together, household chores (especially cleaning), messing around on the internet, writing bad gundam wing fanfiction  ANIMAL:  albatross, cormorant, humpback whale, (obligatory seagull) 

                         STATS:

COMPASSION:  8/10 EMPATHY:  7/10 CREATIVITY:  5/10 MENTAL FLEXIBILITY:  7/10 PASSION/MOTIVATION:  8/10 EDUCATION:  4/10 STAMINA:  8/10 PHYSICAL STRENGTH:  9/10 BATTLE SKILL:  7/10 INITIATIVE:  9/10 RESTRAINT:  5/10 AGILITY:  3/10 STRATEGY:  6/10 TEAMWORK:  7/10

tagged by @strekkingur​ THANK U BUN ILY !!!!!!! 

TAGGING : @haknam​ @toberoundistobefree​ @serenesecession​ @bates--boy​ @liachtaschta​ @goldenmerc​ @bel-paese​ @brassandblue​ @ofanglia​ @gebrochener-adler​ @teableeds​ @blalejonet​ @gildedscripture​ @toulousc​ @mateshit​ 

#tag meme #hc

[acim]

Burden, Labels, and Throwing the Towel In

I can vividly remember the exact moment that I tried to kill myself. I stood in my room at my dresser, with a bottle of pills, alone, crying, inconsolable. I had switched out the pills in a vitamin bottle with Tylenol PM, I didn’t want my mom to find out what I had done. As if she wouldn’t notice her dead son. But I didn’t think of that, I just wanted to waste away alone, never to be a burden again. And so I swallowed all of the pills in 6 mouthfuls, each one more painful than the next. I past out shortly after. I remember waking up on the bathroom floor, covered in vomit, my mother banging on the door, before I slipped away again. I finally woke up in a hospital bed and was transferred to a psych ward shortly thereafter.

Unsurprisingly, this was a difficult experience, but also a transformational one. I would not be who I am today if not for this dark moment. It was sobering. In the hospital, I saw stranger-peers in some of the greatest emotional pain I had ever seen; I heard stories that emptied me and made me feel absolutely hollow. I realized that although I have had a tough childhood, many - even those in my family - have had it much worse. This brought myself into a new perspective that has allowed me to forgive those that had failed me in my time of need, as I know they did so not out of spite, but out of inability or ignorance.

While in the hospital, I wanted nothing more than to comfort each of these people physically, through a hug, a handshake, a hand on the shoulder, something small but significant. But we were not allowed to connect physically unfortunately, out of the ward’s fear of bodily harm. So instead, we connected emotionally through our unity in labels, we were the mentally ill.

Specifically, I was “generally anxious” whatever that vague label means. I’ve never been comfortable with that label, and have always felt it as something I had to hide. I thought people would hate me or reject me if they knew that I was “weak”. And I’ve tried to unpack that and get down to the root cause of it, whether that be masculinity, shame, or saving face; I’m unsure. However, I do know that it partially comes down to never wanting to be a burden to anybody. Which is a very common worry of most people, but it’s such a weird thing to worry about when you really think about it. I love people “burdening” me in ways that I’d worry about. I love people venting to me and sharing with me things that they hold sensitively. But yet we all still worry about it.

“I should ask them to hang out, but I know they’re busy”

“I already texted him, I can’t double text him”

“I probably am boring to him”

And maybe partially this stems from the innate fear of rejection, especially by people we hold near and dear. We can never truly get away from that fear or rejection until we are truly connected with each other, as we cannot know what we are separate from. However, we can take action to try and get over this barrier; because in reality, by being a “burden” we are unburdening each other. We are helping them through bringing them closer to ourselves, and they are helping us by bring ourselves closer to them.

And that is a Miracle.

So be bold, be a burden.

Although my previous label of Generalized Anxiety brought negative emotions, my new label of ADHD has brought untold unity and connection. This is not only because of the physical effects of the medication, which allow me to obtain the clarity and motivation to think this deeply and write, but also because of the unity I find in the label. I find comfort that other people have felt this way before, that I am not insane, I am not alone. No one wants to feel alone and separate, wholly loveless. But yet we often push ourselves away from others through seeking ways to diminish this absence of love. We are self-sabotaging. One of my favorite quotes in the Course is about this:

“Yet the ego, though encouraging the search for love very actively, makes one proviso; do not find it. Its dictate, then, can be summed up simply as: “Seek and do not find.””

There is so much to unpack here between the futility of actively looking for Love -- when you can only receive what you give out -- to the temptation that seeking has over finding -- that’s the fun part we love to do after all; the grass is always greener on the other side. But, I want to focus in on how this quote relates to labels for me.

Labels, while they cannot create unity within a group, tend to also create disparity outside of a group. Although at our very core, we are all the same, we do have significant differences in our behaviors, actions, and thoughts. To find like-minded people is pure joy; it is like a breath of fresh air when you can talk to someone and really feel understood. And labels help us quickly see where those people may be, they help us Seek.

“Democrat” “Conservative” “Gay” “Christian” “SJW”

And this is not a bad thing at all, this gives us a quick way to bring each other closer, and that is never a bad thing. However, a fine balance, as always, is needed. Trekking too far into a label can create this “us vs. them” mentality. This happens particularly awfully when we start to identify more with the concept of the group than with the group itself, and this is where we give in to the ego and lose the ability to Find. We then begin to be closed-minded and the people and ideas that oppose your concepts are now hurtful because they also oppose you, as you have separated yourself and become the concept. You cannot be both the concept and the group, for one is self-centered while the other is selfless-centered. If, rather, you can identify as the group, then you can more easily accept conceptual dissonances and grow from that acceptance. You are then less likely to Attack and Judge others based on your ideology because you do not feel the need to guard it so vehemently, as it is not yourself.

So always remember that when you are connecting with people, you are not connecting with their ideas, but with them.

One specific label that has brought me a lot of agita over the past week or so is teacher. I think this is partially self-inflicted from me thinking I’m different than everyone else; and I’m trying to get into right-minded think in that regard, but uhh… we not there yet. At the same time, it is intrinsically true that I am not the concept of a teacher, although that doesn’t mean that I am not like teachers. Meaning, while the description of character and passions/desires of a teacher may not follow my own - I do not have passion for youth, or for creating great lessons, or for education in general - I am like my coworkers in that I do care for my students greatly. I can do this as a job temporarily, but I can not make it long-term. It is both a disservice to my students who deserve someone that can and will provide for their needs (especially for my students that have extreme needs that I cannot even begin to provide, as I am not whole). It is also a disservice to me for not following the path I have been set on, and for not prioritizing my mental health, which has struggled as a result of teaching the past few months.

I forced this new decision to become a teacher so hard. I knew this job was not for me, but I squashed that thought, I did not listen to Myself or God, both of which tried in vain to guide me. I also went into it for the wrong reasons: a desire to move on and not truly live in the present (Seek but do not find), a desire for a better schedule, a desire to be someone I’m not - I can lose myself in others that are close to me like I said - a desire for a “better” job. I will get on the right path again by leaving education quickly and going back into the medical field in some way. What way, I am unsure of yet. I am confident though that this is the correct step back onto my path.

This is a recurring theme for myself and many others as well: we force ourselves into who we think we are or who we want to be rather than allowing ourselves to be who we truly are. And that’s such a tricky problem to tackle, it’s so big and nebulous. But I think the best way to do this is to let go of the past - this frees us from who we think we are - and the future - this frees us from who we want to be - and focus on the present - this sets us up to be who we truly are. This is not to say that we should barrel forward like a bull through a china shop, never looking back or forward. But instead, we should be observant of our past actions, and try to understand the cause that underlies our non-harmonious actions through reflection. And that reflection is the keypiece that brings the past into the present and makes it so fundamentally different than the past.

#tw suicide #burden #labels #a course in miracles #ego

[flying-elliska]

Hi Ellie!! I hope u dont mind this ask ❤Do u have any advice on how to do stuff on your checklist and not get overwhelmed? I can hardly do one thing out of my to do list and then i get severely depressed for not being able to do anything. i dont think i can function like a human being sometimes. anyway youre so cool ellie!!! i admire you loads!!! - help asked from one adhd struggling teen

HI anon ! I’m sorry for not answering sooner i had a beautiful answer ready and then Tumblr just ate it T_T anyway i don’t mind at all i think it’s awesome that you’re asking me ! this is honestly still something I’ve struggled a lot with. here are a few things that helped me (keep in mind i’m not a professional and this is only my personal, limited point of view) :

- ofc the first thing is to get as much help as you can, there are lots of people out there who can help. Generally talk to people around you about your problems ; often they want to help and just don’t know how : i know the tendency to feel ashamed and keep it in but that’s not good. Some people might be a bit ignorant so maybe keep a few ressources on hand you can send to people to educate them if that’s an issue ; and educate yourself so you feel more secure and legitimate in your opinions. 

- one thing that’s helped me lots is to go on #ADHDtwitter and #Neurodiversesquad because a lot of people on there are actual adults who are sharing both their struggles but also tips on how to actually manage the symptoms and have full and happy, if messy, lives. It’s very inspiring. It helped me a lot to feel understood, less alone and gave me a ton of ideas. Some accounts to start with : @ danidonovan - @ blkgrllostkeys @ ADHD_Alien (her comics are so cute) @ dustyexner plus lots of others

- regarding having trouble doing things, this is definitely a Big Damn Problem for adhd folks. the concept of the emotional Wall of Awful really helped me with this, you can find more about it in this Youtube video by the awesome How To ADHD channel (all her videos are so helpful !! have a look!) basically the idea is that we accumulate emotions linked to certain tasks based on unhappy past emotions that make it a lot harder for us to do things and that building it down takes a lot of time and effort but there are ways to work with/around that. learning to process, connect to and be more mindful of our emotions is a huge task, but it’s often a central one. 

- don’t try too hard to be neurotypical aka ‘normal’. find the solutions that work for YOU. If they’re a bit weird ? Whatever. The point is that it works. You will probably end up having weird routines that make no sense to others but it doesn’t matter as long as it helps you. Be creative and don’t be afraid to think outside the box. I’ll give you an example :  one of the reasons i hate going to bed early is because late at night is when i feel the most free of outside obligations and therefore i don’t want to give that up. So instead what i’ve been trying to do from time to time is a ‘clown hour’ where i basically give myself permission to do whatever the fuck i want (within reason lmao) but in an active way ; basically indulge my rebellious inner 8 yr old. Last time I ended up watching martial arts videos on youtube and practicing kickboxing kicks on the Mulan soundtrack and then put on funeral music and improvised my own eulogy by thinking about what i would like people to say about me after my death. Lmao that sounds completely wack when explained to other people but the point is - stuff like that really helped me reconnect to the idea that my time is mine to do with as i please, not just late at night. Anyway my point is : make it fun, make it a game, try things, experiment. Our brains crave novelty and if they don’t have it and feel burdened by shame, pressure and expectations of course they get depressed and stuck. Give your brain the fuel it needs to work. 

- just accept that sometimes you’re going to be a mess. it’s okay. you can be a bit of a mess and also live a fully, happy, joyous life. our society puts so much pressure on us to have this Perfect Instagram Life where everything is polished to unrealistic standards and gives us the idea that your morals are linked to productivity and if you are not constantly striving to be a Model Consumer Pretty Picture you are a Bad Person and a slob/lazy/unworthy/etc and all of that is...toxic garbage of the highest order that everyone should unlearn but especially us. related to that i would be careful with use of social media, tailor it to only give you content that makes you feel good/intellectually engaged/creative because it’s so easy for us to go into bad comparative spirals.

- tied to that be careful of your own perfectionist drives. it’s veeeeery common for adhd people to want to overcompensate their perceived shortcomings by wanting to be perfect. aka you haven’t done anything in weeks and all of a sudden you have this insane to do list where you expect yourself to turn your entire life around in a week. well, not going to happen. i’ve found it so important to limit myself. for instance what i do now is i forbid myself to put more than 5 items on any todo list. once i’ve cleared items i can add more, but not before. it’s a lot less scary that way. also prioritizing is very important so you don’t get bogged down in details.

- try to be mindful of your own energy. a big tendency of adhd people is to overpromise and underdeliver because we are enthusiastic and we want to please people but we are bad at estimating time/energy it will need. learn more about your own boundaries, what things are hard for you to do (for me, it’s socializing in groups) and what gives you energy (for me it’s writing, reading and walking in the woods) and try to balance that. learn to say no, it’s tough but necessary. So that you have enough left for the tasks you need to do. 

- create an environment that is benevolent and helpful for you in which to work/do things and that generates positive emotions. Get yourself a cute notebook. Put on happy music. Don’t forget to feed yourself. Don’t give into the urge of punishing yourself. You deserve happy good things - not overindulgence as escape - but our brains thrive on short term rewards. Bundle the unpleasant tasks with more stimulating stuff (for instance i always listen to podcasts while cleaning/grocery shopping etc). Create pleasant little routines for yourself (for instance one of the first things i try to do in the morning is do a little drawing of my emotions, it makes me happy, then i have tea and i plan my day.). Put on alarms constantly so you don’t lose track of time, but with a cool song. Find yourself cheerleaders who can encourage you in a positive way. Stuff like the pomodoro technique, timing yourself while doing a task, etc, can really help. Or telling yourself you will do a thing for ten minutes and stop when it’s unbearable, etc. Prioritize joy, pride, affection, desire to help, altruism, love, curiosity, interest and passion as motivators, instead of anxiety, guilt and shame. 

- find ways to build self esteem and confidence in your own skills. it’s often a lack of that that can block you from doing what you need to because you might be afraid of screwing it up. what I did for a while, for instance, is to keep a record of the stuff i did everyday and then extrapolated the skills i displayed from that. another thing you can do is make a list of simple skills you want to learn and find ways to do that, like youtube tutorials, etc. especially when it’s practical stuff and quick to learn, it can really feel so good, and make you more familiar with a sensation of success (and if you fail it can be a fun experiment gone wrong, and self discovery, you don’t have to be good at everything.)

- find ways to challenge yourself. depression happens for adhd people when we let ourself stagnate, isolate ourselves because of shame, and get into this idea that we are subhuman and we don’t deserve good things. that is false. you deserve a happy life. and our brains crave novelty. find your passion and indulge in it, find the things that make your brain come alive (as long as they’re healthy ofc). if you’re not sure what that is, just keep trying. you will find it. but resist the temptation to make your life smaller and smaller. you might mess up but that’s okay. it’s human and it will make for interesting stories later. instead of trying too hard to ‘fix’ yourself, focus on developping your positive sides. it will give you energy, self-respect and draw you forwards like a rocketship. we thrive on passion, not reprimand. 

- anyways : i know how tough it can be. depression is really something i struggle with, too. and doing things remains Hard. but my point is, you are not alone, and you are not broken. chances are you too, like most adhd people i know, are a fun, creative, compassionate person with a heart of gold and so much to give. our main enemy is most often the shame that comes with living in a world that is not adapted to us. but the truth is we are just playing the game of life on a much harder setting than a lot of people, and we don’t even have the manual. of course it’s going to create struggle ! so i think the best thing to do for yourself is cultivate a sense of compassion towards yourself, self acceptance, and humor. 

- as a teen you probably have a limited margin of autonomy to make your lifestyle fit your needs but - there is so much potential for it to get better ! as you grow in self knowledge and ability to make your own choices, you will find the right solutions and your life will get so much better. i have heard so many stories like this. since i got diagnosed, too, my life got a lot better. i won’t lie, it’s a lifelong process. but there is so much possible. give yourself time. you are so young, and you are definitely a human being. being human is struggling with being flawed and vulnerable and imperfect. i know the world can be shit sometimes, you probably got some negative messages - especially from your own brain bc depression definitely lies to you ! but don’t let yourself be guided by ignorance and fear. you deserve better. i bet you’re also super cool. the happier you are, the better off the world will be. so invest in yourself. educate yourself, develop your self knowledge, be kind to yourself, and keep making little steps. you’ll get there. <3

#adhd #actually adhd #neurodiversity #mental health #depression #anon asks

[theamberfang]

Journal 338: Tired Philosophizing

I ended up talking a lot at group today, reviewing much of my past decade and year, since that’s what’s been on my mind lately. I also introduced myself with my pronouns today, including an explanation of why I’m going to start doing so. Later on, I even managed to correct someone who used the wrong pronoun. Basically, all of this is to say that I was pretty emotionally drained by the time I made it home, so now I’m writing this really late, and I probably won’t be writing much more.

Well, one last thing is that I managed to express a bit of my personal, determinism-based philosophy. I didn’t call it such, though. People were discussing how they’ve learned not to worry about things that have already happened, because we can’t change the past anyway. It was a natural segue to explain that I, more specifically, trust that my past self has always done his/her (I’m actually not sure what pronoun to use in regards to my past self) best, provided the situation. Even if I might wish things could have gone differently, in hindsight, or if I didn’t meet the expectations of others, it doesn’t change the fact that, in that past moment, I had done my best.

To clarify, when I say I did “my best,” I do include the fact that I’ve always been depressed, anxious, and potentially ADHD. Obviously, my theoretical best, if I didn’t have these mental barriers and struggles, would have consistently been better than I’ve actually managed, but to hold myself to that standard is to ignore reality. I wouldn’t expect someone with a bad knee to be able to sprint very quickly, so I similarly shouldn’t expect myself, in hindsight, to have been able to make decisions and take actions as if my mental struggles didn’t exist.

I didn’t quite get into all of this detail, but I got the sentiment across—rather concisely I think. I’d like to continue to share it with the group, both for the benefit of everyone, but also to better ingrain it into my own psyche.

Another aspect I’d like to develop is applying this line of thinking to my present and future selves as well. It might greatly help my anxiety if I could similarly trust my future self to do her best, rather than worrying about being “perfect” or “good enough” or meeting some other nonsensical standard. I do my best, constrained by mental and physical limitations, but still my best nonetheless.

It’s also a nice perspective to point outwards: to compassionately understand that everyone is just doing their best in their unique circumstances. Even when someone is acting maliciously, I would prefer to emphasize the circumstances—their upbringing, their economic status, etc.—that may have led to that malice and look towards addressing that. Admittedly, yes, toxic individuals may need to be removed from your life (or from society, as the case may be), but do not heap all of the responsibility onto the malicious person in question, because that just leaves an environment that can continue to breed that toxicity and malice in the future.

Okay, that went on longer than I expected it to. I should be getting to sleep now.

Tomorrow’s Tasks

Dance for exercise + hand stretches; 1000

Shower; 1100

Night in the Woods; 1300

Khan Academy; 1900

Journal; 2000

#daily journal #personal #philosophy