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samkerrworshipper · 4 months

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The Last Time (exile pt.2) | Alexia Putellas x Reader

part 2 to exile

summary: Alexia tries to apologise to r after what happened at the club… another songfic based off the song the last time by taylor swift

warnings: none besides a whole lot of angst :(

Alexia knows a lot of things.

She knows how to play soccer, she knows how to speak English, Spanish and Catalan, she knows how to make some of the best paella in Barcelona thanks to her mother, she knows how to dance, she knows how to have some fun.

She also knows that you are the best thing that has ever happened to her.

It’s a fact, because Alexia was a mess before you, fresh out of a break up with Jenni, who she never really saw herself staying with but also never saw herself breaking up with.

There are some people like Alexia thinks, people that you love, but they aren’t your person. Sometimes those relationships are the ones that hurt the most.

Alexia knows that she’s fucked up more than she ever has before, she’s stripped you of your dignity and the respect in your relationship.

Eli told her as much, her mother taking your side as Alexia sobbed into her phone explaining just how badly she had messed up and how she had to fix it.

Alexia knew she was right, but she was also frightfully aware that she was fairly intoxicated, and she didn’t want to ruin your night anymore by showing up at your doorstep.

So, she timidly stepped back into the bar, taking in how a lot of the team had exited the dance floor, Jenni appeared to be gone, something Alexia was grateful for.

Before she could properly step into the space, Mapi was coming out of nowhere and clutching onto Alexia’s forearm, dragging her out of the club as quickly as humanly possible.

Before Alexia could ask any questions, all the air was exiting her lungs as she was slammed up against the brick wall of the outside of the club.

Mapi’s arm had come to rest flat against her chest, pressing her directly into the cold concrete.

“What the actual fuck was that.”

Mapi’s voice is seething, and sure, she’s Alexia’s best friend in the entire world, but you are also Ingrid and Mapi’s adoptive daughter, when it comes to protecting you they do it fiercely.

Alexia can’t do much besides burst into tears, she feels weak, stupidly weak, she doesn’t deserve to be crying, not after what she just did to you, but she can’t help herself, everything is too much.

Mapi eases up a little bit, her arm falling from Alexia’s chest, down to her stomach and bringing her in for a hug, it’s clear that Alexia is pretty tipsy, and she decides she’ll save the yelling for when she can fully appreciate it.

“C’mon, let’s get you home, Ingrid’s sober, she’ll drive.”

Alexia looks behind Mapi, to find her girlfriend lingering behind the two of them, a deep frown of anger and disappointment on her face.

It makes Alexia sick to her stomach, like she’s been punched in the gut repetitively, she probably deserves it, especially after what she just did to you.

She allows Mapi to lead her to a car, her body crumpling into the backseat, the thoughts of the last hour circling in her mind repetitively, like a record stuck on replay.

Drunken, heartbroken Alexia forces herself to make a promise in the back of Mapi’s car, this is the last time.

The last time she puts her feelings above yours, the last time she thinks without acting, the last time she disregards your relationship with such ease.

If for some miracle, she can manage to claw her way back into your life, then she promises herself she will never let this happen again, this will be the first and only time that she goes behind your back, this will be the last time that she treats you like you aren’t enough, this is the last night she will lie to you.

It seems empty, in the context, but Alexia doesn’t care, as far as she’s concerned this is rock bottom, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to her, and she’ll be damned if she lets you slip out of her hands without putting up a fight.

Never again will she allow you to push your feelings under the rug, she is never going to hide all of your problems away like they don’t matter.

When they do make it back to Ingrid and Mapi’s apartment, it’s clear Ingrid is fuming, Alexia can’t really blame her.

So Mapi is on clean up, dragging a zoned out Alexia into the apartment, throwing her into the guest bedroom with some Advil and water on her bedside.

It’s the bare minimum, it’s what Alexia deserves, Mapi doesn’t comfort her, she just gives her the look, the ‘you’ve seriously fucked up and I won’t lie to you about it’ look, it’s a look that previously Alexia had used on Mapi, before Ingrid, before Mapi got her shit together.

She leaves Alexia to wallow in her hangover and depression, deep down Mapi knows it’s what's best, even if it hurts her, she knows from personal experience that sometimes it’s best to hold yourself accountable for your actions, and she knows Alexia will.

Alexia manages to tug her clothes off, the items harbouring memories that make Alexia gag, she manages to crawl into the unfamiliar sheets of the bed and tumble into an alcohol induced sleep.

It’s not a good sleep, the kind of sleep where no matter how long you stay unconscious for, you seem like you are teetering on the edge of waking up again.

It’s why Alexia can’t sleep anything past 6am, which is her normal wake up time, on every day but a Monday, Monday’s are the one day of the week where Alexia allows herself to sleep in, because typically the only thing that happens on a Monday is video review in the afternoon, but that had been cancelled because Jona had some family commitment.

She crawls out of bed, finding a spare hoodie and shorts on the dresser in the room and tugging them on before walking into the living room.

To her surprise, Ingrid is already sitting at the kitchen table, a steaming mug of coffee in her hands, Bagheera in her lap and a laptop sitting on the counter in front of her.

“There is coffee in the pot.”

Ingrid’s voice is stiff, something so unusual for the brunette, normally she is all things warm and kind, it’s why Alexia believes she compliments Maria so well, she mellows out all of Mapi’s bluntness and contradictiveness.

Alexia tiptoes over to the pot, pouring herself a cup and then tentatively taking a seat at the table after Ingrid eyeballed the seat beside her.

She closes the laptop once Alexia has sat down, all of the Norwegians attention turning to Alexia, unfortunately.

“What you did last night was quite frankly disgusting. Your wife, my best friend, has put seven years of her life into you, you fall on her for anything you like, everything in your relationship is her problem, and for whatever reason she puts up with it, I know if it was me I wouldn’t put up with an inch of it, but she does, because that's who she is. She was holding on to one thing, you give away every single part of you, but she had something, a little piece of hope and last night you took it away from her. In fact, you practically stomped on that hope right in front of her. You don’t deserve her, you don’t deserve to walk on the ground that she does. I don’t care if you're my captain, or that you are La Reina or Alexia Putellas, you do not get to treat the person that loves you very most in the world like a piece of lint on a sweater. You dust her off at every single opportunity you can, and she just sits by, allowing you to, because she loves you, a lot more than you deserve.”

Alexia tries to say something, agree with Ingrid, because she does agree, everything Ingrid is saying is true, Ingrid stops her though, continuing her rant.

“For whatever reason, one I do not understand, she loves you, she talks about you like you created the moon and the stars, you make her happier than anybody else. That is why I am telling you that you have to make this right. Fuck Jenni, fuck you, fuck your fucked up ways. You need to fix this because she is going to be broken if you just give up. If anyone deserves to have their heart broken it’s you, so I don’t care if you have to die for her, you owe her that for all of the shit that you’ve forced her to put up with over the years. Last night might have been the straw that broke the camel's back, but you’ve been disloyal in every single way besides cheating up until last night, and if you love her at all, you will make it right. Nobody deserves to be loved more than she does, and if you don’t prove to her that you love her then she will spend every minute left of her life on earth gutted about it.”

Ingrid’s words are cut throat, so brutal that it takes Alexia a few seconds to absorb them all.

“Ingrid, she told me that she wanted a divorce, that she didn’t want to be married to a woman who broke vows, I can’t blatantly disregard her wants.”

Ingrid just rolled her eyes.

“Of course she doesn’t, so prove to her that you aren’t that woman, that it was a mistake and that it will never happen again, and I swear to every single god that exists that if it ever happens again, mark my words, you will be six feet under and nobody will be finding your body, understood?”

It’s a threat that normally Alexia would find humorous, but the way Ingrid says it makes Alexia fairly certain that the Norwegian is fairly serious. Ingrid is innocent, Ingrid is a sweetheart, Ingrid is kittens and all things sweet and nice, apparently until you hurt someone she loves.

“Do you know where she is?”

Ingrid takes a deep sip from her coffee.

“I talked to Keira and Lucy last night, they took her back to their apartment, said she was practically catatonic and refused to speak to them, just cried and sat on their couch with Narla.”

It’s a sad image, the pit of guilt in Alexia’s stomach only seems to continue to grow the more information she’s fed.

“They live two blocks away from here, right?”

Ingrid nods hesitantly, with the confirmation Alexia is shooting out of her seat, rushing towards the door of Mapi and Ingrid’s apartment, Ingrid is far to tired and fed up with the whole situation to try and stop her, even with the negative feeling that’s pooling up in her gut, she figures Alexia is a big girl though, and if she’s going to make time to atone for her sins there's no time like the present.

Alexia’s fast paced walk is fueled by one thing: fear.

Fear she’s lost you forever, fear she’s made the biggest mistake in her life, fear that one stupid fucking kiss could be the end of her life as she knows it.

It doesn’t take her very long to navigate her way through the Barcelona streets to Lucy’s apartment, Alexia and Barcelona are practically synonymous.

She grew up on these streets, she knows them better than anything in the world, she knows them better than she knows you.

Which almost makes her hurl, at what point did her wife, her lover, her heart become somebody that she doesn’t know, when did you stop becoming her priority?

Find myself at your door

Just like all those times before

I’m not sure how I got here

All roads, they lead me here

I imagine you are home

In your room, all alone

And you open your eyes into mine

Everything feels better

Alexia somehow finds her way to Keira and Lucy’s apartment, she’s been her hundreds of times, team bonding, dinners, movie nights, coffee catch ups. Lucy and Keira are also two people who you heavily rely on, often Alexia’s innately grateful for the two of them, because she can always trust that whilst the two of you are separated for national duties that you are in good company.

She knocks on the door, powerful, unyielding, confident. All things that Alexia is definitely not feeling.

She waits a maximum of three seconds, before she’s met with a frazzled looking Keira, who is still dressed in her pyjamas and looks like she hasn’t slept a single bit.

“Leave.”

Keira’s voice is scratchy, dry and weirdly fearful.

“I need to talk to my wife.”

Alexia doesn’t know why she uses the honorific, she hardly ever refers to you as anything but your name, but it's some sort of safety blanket for herself, a reminder that technically, according to a piece of paper the two of you are still married.

“Alexia, leave, she doesn’t want to see you and I don’t want you to get hurt when my girlfriend finds out you are here.”

Alexia grimaces at the thought of Lucy, who she knows will have far less restraint then Ingrid and Maria when it comes to defending your honour.

She relents though, Alexia has walked out the door one too many times, she knows it, and she won’t allow this time to be just another time that Alexia’s failed to show up for you.

“Keira, I won’t leave until I get to see her.”

Keira rakes her hand through the roots of her hair.

“Look, she’s been torn up about what happened all night, didn’t catch a wink of sleep, neither did Luce or I because we were so worried that if we left her she’d jump off our balcony or do something stupid. I’m sure you didn’t sleep well either, so how about you come back tomorrow or something, when she’s feeling up to it.”

Alexia pities Keira just a little bit, it’s Alexia’s fault that she looks like shit, everything is Alexia’s fault.

“Keira, please, I just need to see her, I know I fucked up, trust me, nobody knows it more than I do, I just need to see her, and apologise. You can kick me out afterwards, just please, let me say my peace.”

Keira’s jaw sets, and for a moment Alexia sees a different side to Keira, it scares her just a little bit.

“I hardly think you deserve any of her time, you don’t deserve her time or forgiveness.”

Alexia is about to agree with Keira, but the both of them are silenced by a voice.

“Kei, let her say what she has to say.”

And right before your eyes

I’m breaking

No past, no reasons

Just you and I

Just the sight of you brings tears to Alexia’s eyes.

There are big, puffy, red bags underneath your eyes, your makeup from the previous night smeared and mixed all over yourself.

You look so incredibly raw, like a piece of art, and it pains Alexia so much that she’s the reason for all of your pain, that her fucked up decisions have made you so broken.

“We’re waiting.”

Alexia’s brain snaps into order, all of her thoughts circulating as she tries to articulate what she needs to say to you.

This is the last time I’m asking you this

Put my name at the top of your list

This is the last time I’m asking you why

You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye

You find yourself at my door

Like all those times before

“Please, I know I fucked up last night. And it’s not the first time that I’ve put myself above you in the last little while, and you deserve better, you deserve so much better. But I do love you, I loved you enough to marry you, I loved you enough to make you a Putellas and I don’t regret that. I don’t love Jenni, I don’t want her, I don’t think about her like I think about you. I know, I broke your heart, a heart that I promised I would protect, that I’d care for. I know that I’ve asked too much of you, asked for you to forgive me of too much, you deserve better. Please, let this be the last time, I promise, I swear on my mothers life, that if you give me a chance, I will make this the last time. I know we’ve been here hundreds of times, and you have no reason to trust me, but please, give me a chance.”

Your facial expression doesn’t change, it’s spacey, sort of like you’re on a different wavelength.

Alexia’s toes are scuffing against the doormat, her hand resting on the door frame as she looks at you, with tears and desperation in her eyes.

“Little while? Alexia the last time you told me you loved me when it wasn’t for cameras or show was two years ago. When we took the trip to Ibiza before your break out season started, as soon as the award started rolling in, I didn’t matter, how could I? I didn’t marry La Reina, I married Alexia Putellas Segura, the woman who loved me, you aren’t that person anymore.”

You wear your best apology

But I was there to watch you leave

And all the times I let you in

Just for you to go again

Disappear when you come back

Everything is better

“Please, Y/n/n.”

Your face is unwavering, and for once Alexia doesn’t feel weak for being the one breaking down, it feels deserved, considering how many times the tables have been turned and you’ve broken down in front of Alexia because of her words and actions.

“No, you do not get to show up here with some perfect fucking apology to try and worm your way back into my life. It’s not fair Alexia Putellas, because you know I love you, you know that I would follow you to the ends of the earth, you know that I would give up every single part of myself for you. But I have watched you walk out the door so many times, and every single time I’ve let you back in, I’ve let you disappear whenever its been most convenient for you and act like everything is fine when you return. I put up with that, because I am a good fucking wife and I love you, more than is healthy. You are my everything, you are my world, and I would have died knowing you didn’t love me as much, because loving you was enough for me. But knowing that you loved Jenni enough to give her something so sacred to me, it felt like you ripped my heart out of my chest and cut it to pieces in front of my eyes. The worst part is, I still fucking love you, you could kill a hundred people or move to Antarctica and it wouldn’t matter, because I love you, unconditionally and it hurts. So please, for me, walk away, because if you don’t I’ll forgive you, and then you’ll worm your way back into my life, and it’ll hurt even more because I’ll be going against my beliefs and wishes.”

And right before your eyes

I’m aching

Run fast, nowhere to hide

Just you and me

Suddenly, tears are dripping down Alexia’s face, it hurts so bad to hear what you are saying, it feels like she’s being stabbed.

Having you hate Alexia is one thing, but having you love her but ask her to leave is the worst possible thing.

Alexia wants to runa way from the door, to leave you, leave this awkward fucking situation which Keira is directly in the middle of, but she can’t, not when your staring at Alexia like it’s physically hurting you to do so.

This is the last time I’m asking you this

Put my name at the top of your list

This is the last time I’m asking you why

You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye

“Please just let this be the last time, let it be the last time I fuck up, let this be the last time I hurt you.”

Alexia’s voice is pleading, begging, hoping.

“Sure, this is the last time you hurt me, this is the last time, because there won’t be any more times between us, we’re done Alexia.”

This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong

This is the last time I say it's been you all along

This is the last time I let you in my door

This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore

Alexia is balling now, big, wet, fat tears sloppily falling down her face as she processes the emotions and current conversation.

“Alexia, it’s been you all along for me, and I was okay with that, even if it was painful, even if you could never reciprocate. But this is the last time I open my door to you, this is the last time you hurt me. So leave, please, don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

Alexia’s feet feel rooted to the floor, her toes curling into the doormat below her feet.

“Alexia, leave, before we call security.”

It’s Lucy’s bigger body, now shielding you from Alexia that sends the order, and before Alexia can say anything more, the door of the apartment is slammed in her face, and she’s left standing in front of a white door, with tears streaming down her face as she mourns her marriage that’s slipped out from under her, all because she was fucking stupid.

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piratekane · 23 days

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(post-3x05 kacy scene)

Warm fingertips press down against the thin skin on the inside of her wrist, a melody she knows that she knows but can’t quite place in the early grey of the morning, the sun rising, muted, through the low clouds outside the window. She was asleep a minute ago and there’s a dream quickly fading away as her eyes open slowly and the room shifts into focus.

“Morning,” Kate whispers, still sunken in her pillow.

“G’morning.” Lucy pulls the words from the back of her throat like she’s pulling cotton from a cattail. “Time s’it?”

Kate doesn’t roll over to check her phone. “Early,” she guesses. “Too early for our day off.”

A day off. A present for her jungle excursion, courtesy of Tennant. A whole day to let her body come down from the high of being chased through thick vegetation with a life hanging delicately in her hands. Lucy lets her eyes close again and sinks back into her pillow. She goes back to focusing on Kate’s fingers looped carefully around the wrist between them. Tap, tap, taptap. Tap, tap. A song, then. One that she knows but can’t quite place.

“Is that Boot Scootin Boogie?”

Kate exhales a short laugh. “Taylor Swift.”

“Who else would it be?” Lucy feels the bed shift as Kate slides a little closer. She can feel the soft heat coming off Kate’s bare arms and wants to reach for it, pull it back over her, close her eyes and slip back into sleep for just a little bit longer.

It was a long day yesterday, her nerves pulled to their breaking point. When she stepped over the threshold to their apartment, the weight she had been working so hard to push off came crashing down on her. She doesn’t remember tasting the pizza Kate ordered, doesn’t remember picking Love is Blind on the TV or queuing up where they left off. She doesn’t remember brushing her teeth or turning out the light.

She does remember Kate’s body warm behind her on the couch, her own body pressed to Kate’s front as they sat wrapped up in each other. She remembers Kate’s arms and how they wrapped low around her waist in bed and held her tightly. She remembers soft lips to her bare shoulder and I love you against her skin as she let the exhaustion take over.

She remembers the Kate of it all, the steady and warm and loving presence she’s come to need like oxygen in her lungs. She remembers the overwhelming feeling of love—one she thought she’d never find in a million years.

“I could sleep another hundred hours,” she admits, eyes still closed.

She feels Kate’s smile against the back of her hand. “You can. We have nothing planned today.”

The thought is so tempting. She could pull Kate’s arms around her, drape them over her like the light comforter they’re sharing, and let herself sink back into sleep. It’s not too far off; she could reach for it and be asleep in moments.

But Kate is awake and tapping out a Taylor Swift song against her pulse point and that usually means banana pancakes and a Golden Girls marathon and pressing Kate against the counter edge and kissing her until either their lungs start to burn or the pancakes start to smoke. Lucy loves those mornings and the way Kate tastes like the bites of bananas she snuck before mixing them into the batter.

“Did I dream yesterday?”

“Only if we were having the same nightmare.” Kate’s free hand pushes back some of Lucy’s hair. “Otherwise, it was real.”

Lucy slides her foot forward, curling her ankle around Kate’s calf. “I thought so.” She opens one eye, studying Kate’s profile. She’s committed it to memory by now. “I feel like a truck ran me over.”

“It did,” Kate murmurs. “That very much happened.”

Lucy sighs. Yesterday wasn’t a dream. She can see it vividly in her mind and she closes her eyes against it again, trying to fill it with Kate—Kate so close and so warm.

“I’m not ready to talk yet,” she admits. She isn’t. She can’t. She’s still working through her family in her own mind; she can’t possibly put into words what they’re like and what they’ve done to her and to each other.

“We don’t have to talk.” Kate’s voice is soft and genuine and Lucy thinks again—again and again—how lucky she is. “We can just lay here. We don’t have to do anything at all.”

Lucy knows Kate isn’t lying. She knows Kate won’t push and she won’t prod and she’ll let Lucy set the pace for when and where and how. And it sounds perfect—a whole day in bed with Kate and their bodies pressed close together, hidden away from the world.

But someone told her to live her life yesterday. Someone who had the courage to throw theirs to the wind and start over from scratch. Someone who proved that there are still good people in the world who want to do what’s right for the sake of doing the right thing. And even if she can’t talk about it yet, even if she’s not ready to unlock the ugly parts of her past and lay them out on the table, she’s not going to lay in bed all day and let the world just pass her by.

“No.” She opens both eyes, staring deeply into Kate’s brown ones. “Let’s get up. We can make pancakes.”

“Banana or blueberry?”

“Both,” she says, feeling greedy and not caring. “And bacon. And toast. And—“

Kate laughs. “Okay. Remember we can only eat so much.”

“I can eat so much. I’m from—“

“Texas, yes.” Kate laughs again and leans in, kissing Lucy softly and pulling away too soon.

Lucy thinks about chasing her, pressing her deep into the mattress and not stopping until she has to come up for air. But she settles on letting Kate pull away and slide out of bed, pulling her hair up into a ponytail that exposes the long line of her neck. In her thin tank top and her soft shorts, no one has ever looked more beautiful than Kate does right now.

Lucy may be holding some things back, may be keeping some things close to the vest, but this? This she wants to scream from the rooftops. This she wants everyone to know. This she wants to tell Kate.

“I love you.”

Kate looks back over her shoulder, a smile on her face that threatens to break through the grey clouds outside their window. “I love you too.”

Live your life, Lucy Tara.

Lucy smiles as she gets up and stretches her arms above her head, feeling the tension break in her shoulders. She is going to live her life. She’s going to take every moment and hold it tightly in her hands. She’s going to love Kate with every part of her that’s capable of it and when she’s ready she’ll tell Kate everything she wants to know.

“Lucy?”

Lucy looks up. “Hmm?”

“I said, we can make toast too. If you want.”

She thinks about it for a moment before she smiles. “Life is too short to skip the toast.”

Kate rolls her eyes, pulling the sheet back up on the bed. “Where did you read that?”

“That’s a Lucy Tara quote, free of charge.” She winks when Kate laughs and scrubs her hair back off her neck into a bun. “There’s more where those came from, by the way.”

“Lucky me,” Kate grumbles, still smiling.

“Yeah,” Lucy says softly. “Lucky you.” She holds Kate’s eyes for a moment. “Lucky us.”

Kate’s smile slips into shy before she clears her throat and gives the neatly-made bed one last pat. “Lucky us,” she echoes. She slips out of the bedroom and heads towards the kitchen, humming something under her breath.

Lucy watches her walk away and thinks: this is a good life. This is a life worth living.

She follows Kate.

#ncis: hawai'i #kacy #kate whistler #lucy tara #post-ep shenanigans #a next morning run-on sentence that won't let me go #i wrote this in my notes app during a family easter dinner so excuse me i was in the middle of passing the peas when this idea came to me #actually it was mashed potatoes and my cousin wouldn't shut up about tswift and i was like get me outtttttta here #and since my brain is kacy-mush anyway this just happened #k bye <3

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