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#sick of telling them i'm too tired
bootyful-seventeen · 5 months
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i am too mentally exhausted to even deal with this shit anymore with my mom and grandma and low key wish i'd go comatose for a few years to be left alone tbh
#had a clean up service come by to see the damage and give a quote on the estimate and my grandma wasnt having it#she got upset and started crying to them about she has only 1 daughter and is trying to help her and they're trying to tell her that keepin#all that junk isn't gonna be helping anyone especially my mom but she wasn't getting it and i said i'm not helping clean the junk that's#all around the house cuz i'm tired of it all and having to manage my emotions since i am for sure emtotionally stunted from my childhood#and have to deal with a schitzophrenic mom and an absent sister who's balls deep in denial while i'm struggling to find a job here#and my grandma always stressing me ot saying she's gonna kick me out isn't fucking helping here at all like she thinks it does#so when they left she spent all day sobbing on the phone how i'm a terrible granddaughter who wants to throw out good stuff#when i'm not gonna keep helping sell shit for my mom cuz my sister can do it as her family contribution since she did nothing since dad die#and the thing is i gave them all options on clearing shit out cuz i know this family by now and shit doesn't get tossed but it migrates#cuz i said months ago i can ask some friends if they could come down and help sort and declutter#grandma said no to that and said she'll kick me out if i do it and she didn't want to pay for my mom's shit to get moved into a storage uni#she leaves the clean up to my mom and i think the backyard got worse but she didn't call anyone to throw out the junk like she threatened t#so i call a fucking hoarders clean up service cuz that's what my family is on my mom's side at this point and the city will be called too#and she has this reaction cries all day and calls everyone to say i'm horrible and yells at me saying i'm the one killing her with stress#when she's already been doing that for months to herself when i'm just tired and possibly mildly depressed or something idk#i barely leave my room and don't go outside except to walk my dog but idk cuz my family's attittude was we don't go to doctors cuz#cuz they're for crazy people but of course it's gotta switch up for my mom and no one else and i'm just sick of it all#grandma doesn't accept free help and she won't accept help that i pay for myself with my money set aside for school so i'm done#unlike her when i say i'll do something i stick to it so i'm not doing shit anymore unless i can call a friend to help with this mess#it's gonna sound like such a horrible thing but i can't wait for my family to die so i can live in a clean home again and get help#like deep serious help cleaning and big time grief councelling cuz i barely had time to process my dad's death and being the one to find hi#and that was just this february like god i am going to need so much fucking therapy in my future it's almost rediculous#and probably say screw my mom's side and visit my dad's side a lot more since they seem to be the normal ones in this shit family tree#at least they're not stupid and leave junk everywhere where one neighbour getting sick of not being able to sit outside and enjoy their yar#without mountains of junk staring them right in the face and landing a notice from the city to clean up especially since#we have chainlink fences and at least 7 neighbours can see the backyard and everyone can see the front porch when passing by#i'm just tired of living in these suffocating households and even wanna file a report myself to kick them into gear#its horrible living like this and no one should live surrounded by junk and things they never use or even garbage
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abstract-moth · 6 months
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for once I would like to be struggling academically bc my brain actually struggles to comprehend the material and not bc I have some dumb*ss sh*t going on in my personal life
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wherela · 10 months
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one of those crying in the shower kind of days
#my 'best friend' stood me up today#and by stood me up i don't mean canceled last minute i mean didn't show up and only responded to my calls and texts after 45 min#why? she was hanging out with some guy (she met him last week. he's not a christian.) and lost track of time#she's also initiated no contact with me over the last few weeks#the explenation was she thought i was busy with my thesis. as if you can't check in on someone when they're busy#she also gosted me for 3 days (like a month ago??) cause she was asked to share at student group and i couldn't go CAUSE I WAS SICK#I'm just so tired of it at this point#but it's also made me realise i dont really have any close friends#i have lots of friends. sure. and i trust them too. but it's not the kind of close where i can write to them when I've got a problem#like maybe I'd tell them live if they asked me? but I wouldn't really write to them it would just be weird#and so who do I tell that I met S's parents yesterday and even though so many things have happened since then already thats the only one#I can think about???? or that he actually CALLED ME afterwards specifically to tell me what they thought of our church#or that his mom apparently asked him if our relationship was still weird and he said 'yes' and I've been overthinking it cause i thought we#were finally okay and normal and genuinely just friends?#or that his mom said my look is that i dress vintage and it made me SO HAPPY!! that's my look!!! that's how I'm recognisable!!!#the answer is nobody. i have no one to tell :(#mine#s#I'm sorry I guess I had to vent this prolly turned out really really long
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babycatlix · 2 years
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Gifsets of Lee Felix ↳ Felix in Every SKZ M/V 43/∞ – Up All Night | DO NOT REPOST
Up all night In the quiet darkness When the world is asleep I open my eyes again today
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bylertruther · 1 year
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thinking about how lonnie only ever cared about will when he died and that was just to profit off of his death + will giving a girl he doesn't know his toy truck just because she's crying and he thinks she needs it more even if he knows joyce can't buy him another one + one of the very first things will did upon waking up in the hospital was ask if jonathan was okay + will telling them to close the gate in season two even though he's part of the hivemind and that would've killed him, too + will breaking his own heart by confessing his feelings and giving mike the painting he's spent so long on but saying that all of it came from el thus sacrificing his own wants and self to again help others + how that same selflessness and self-sacrificing nature of his is going to undoubtedly rear its head in season five again because he's at the center of it all and it all goes back to him and vecna is a creature that feeds off of n fans the flames of pain and guilt... feelin very scared n anxious in this chili's tonight over this actually 😳
#he is NOT going to die obviously clearly we know this they're not killing kids#BUT.#i'm just saying.... i don't think it would be crazy for him to feel guilty and like maybe this wouldn't have happened if...#well... u kno.. :(#he would never give up bc that's literally his whole thing that he's a fighter and a survivor#but. he does love his friends and his family. and he has been willing to die if it meant saving them before so like. yanno.#BUT IT WON'T HAPPEN I'M JUST SAYING THE ANGST IS LIKELY GOING TO BE THERE#AND THEN OFC EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY WILLIAM SHUT UP SIT DOWN AND GO TO TIME OUT#and then we'll get some good n scrumptious hurt/comfort ok no one stone me i'm knocking on wood ok i Kno#just imagine will proposing that and everyone immediately says NO and mike especially gets pissed#because he's SICK and TIRED of fucking losing will every single time he thinks he's got him back#and god dammit he's already seen what life is like without will there he's not going to do it again he's NOT#don't go where i can't follow + crazy together + it was the best thing i've ever done + it's hawkins it's not the same without you#versus closegate + el commissioned it + she needs you and she always will#mike who is clutching onto will for dear life unwilling to let him go and will who is all too willing to#walk through the gates of hell if it means saving everyone he's ever loved and putting them out of their misery#but of course there's a better plan and letting will die is like killing a puppy it's like taking a sledgehammer to the foundation of#everything yanno. without heart we'd all fall apart n u can't beat the darkness without the light#anyway. can u tell i'm procrastinating editing my fic rn n thats why im writing epic poems in these tags <3#mine
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deadtower · 8 months
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i’m just so tired. and hurt. and upset. and it wasn’t even my fault this time
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yousaytomato · 2 years
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When bad things are happening, and you're sad and stressed and anxious because of them, it's a truly awful feeling, and I don't wish it on anyone
But, it's such a uniquely worse experience, when there isn't anything to actually be sad or stressed about - but your brain has decided it's gotta be sad
- so you're just sad about absolutely nothing instead. You'll latch onto tiny, insignificant things that don't matter, that you don't actually care about, and these things will take over your life and make you sad for no reason at all
It's not a cathartic sadness, you don't take a step back and think "actually, this is a stressful situation, my reaction is proportionate," because it's not!! And knowing that, but having absolutely no control over how you feel makes you feel so much worse, makes you feel so stupid and crazy and pathetic :/
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non-un-topo · 2 years
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Some days are sensory nightmares and the only solution is to wrap yourself in a blanket and watch the two towers without interruptions
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queerasflux · 1 year
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i'm so tired.
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hi this is incredibly off topic and none of you need to read this i just needed to Vent for a sec
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ezrile · 16 days
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Reporting people yet again because of their demonisation. Apparently I 'suicide baited" people and wished death upon them? The fuck you on about? And jsyk I'm allowed to vague about you on my personal when you both did something that hurt me mentally. I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to be mad. I'M ALLOWED TO VENT ON MY PERSONAL. Also. Let me just clarify something. You've been harming me by defaming me and name-dropping me in a DNI with lies. Half the time, your 'proofs' are out of context as well. Just like every assumed I blocked them on discord. If you stopped lying to people, we wouldn't be having this problem in the first place.
AND LOOK UP WHAT SUICIDE BAITING MEANS. The only thing I ever done to these people were talk to them constantly ons discord. I tols them I was talkative and send random things. They were aware of this. I also had suicidal moments like at the end of last February because of the shit that I had to deal with. I was in a server made by rhese people and these friends because of riri getting into trouble with star. I put all my mind and heart into helping these people because I love helping my friends. My mental health went down immediately after I started helping Riri with her drama. My friends all know about that as well. I was on two people's DNIs because of her drama with Star.
And, also, Toastie (monmuses) you should know I never did anything major to Star publicly besides reblogged the callouts and called her out for talking with Aku. In their server? Yeah I helped them find some info out. Because I felt I was helping them. And also, I know someone was sending you and Star anons at that time but it wasn't me. It was someone else in Riri's group of friends.
Do not interact with me if you are friends with Kierax (forgottenluck). Do not interact with me of you are friends with Riri (alm1ghtysea). I have these two on my carrd as well. I'm done with this shit.
See my pinned post and all the screenshots I have posted in every posts. These two have been defaming me since last year and lying about everything. I have been staying out of the tumblr rpc and yet I've still been hearing they've been lying about me and painting me as a villain because of my mental disorders.
These are NOT nice people.
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eggsnatcheskneecaps · 3 months
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BRO?
#I ALREADY KNEW MY PARENTS USED ME TO GAIN MEDIA ATTENTION WHEN I HAD L/Y/M/E#which for the record. i should really try to dig up articles where they were talking about me but it's harder to navigated the r/o/m/anian#internet. much more if it's stuff that happened. 10 years ago or more#but my sibling just fucking told me they stumbled upon an old article where they mention i have insomnia#AND I'M FUCKING LIVID?#MAYBE SOME OF IT WAS ACTUALLY RELATED TO L/Y/M/E#BUT IT'S SOMETHING I'VE STRUGGLED WITH UP UNTIL 8TH GRADE WHICH WAS LONG AFTER I WAS CURED. AND BEFORE THE DISEASE HAPPENED TOO#AND SO THEY KNEW I HAD INSOMNIA! THEY FUCKING KNEW I WAS STRUGGLING WITH IT!#AND YOU DARE TELL ME YOU DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER ME EVER ASKING FOR HELP REGARDING INSOMNIA WHEN I WAS A KID? YOU TALKED ABOUT ON FUCKING#TV? I STRUGGLED EVERY FUCKING NIGHT. I WOULD ALWAYS ASK YOU FOR FUCKING HELP AND YOU JUST MAGICALLY FORGET?#You never take my fucking medical issues seriously. you dismiss them or call them fake unless you can use it for profit i fucking guess.#yeah go ahead and tell me I'm pretending to have depression even with a diagnosis sure yeah go ahead and downplay my n/ys/ta/gmus#but then you fucking turn around and pretend for ages i have a talking impediments i don't actually fucking have. Those appointments were#fucking tiring. fuck#i thought for so long i had a talking impediment until my best friend told me (bewildered) that i fucking don't#what the fuck I'm so sick of this#what the hell.#egg.txt#tw abuse#i guess...#rant
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haunted-house-heart · 6 months
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#it hurts so bad#it's been a year and still it feels like there's this empty space in my chest#and when i see them i think of you. when they're living this. this undeserved happiness all i can think of is you#i wish you'd come back and we forget all that happened and i know i'd forgive you. i would always forgive you#you've been out of my life for a year and you could be dead and honestly i wouldn't even be surprised. most days it felt like i was the only#thing keeping you alive. and i realize now that i never should have let you put that pressure on me but i told you i could take it even#when it made me physically sick from stress. i couldn't help it. i loved you.#i still do. that's what hurts so much. that after all this time and all the pain you've caused me i still fucking love you.#it doesn't go away. i keep thinking it will and then i see them happy and all i can think of is the pain they caused us both and the love i#still feel. you were the first. you were my first love and it took me far too long to see it. i should've told you. i should've gotten you#help. they were hurting you and i tried to do the right thing but you chose them over me. that's what hurts the most honestly.#that after everything i still wasn't enough.#i want to talk to someone anyone tell them what they did to you to me but everyone fucking loves th#loves them. and i don't want to ruin someone elses friendship over my wounds.#i had to leave. i couldn't stand to see them happy anymore. it hurt too much. my therapist said it wasn't healthy to be there anymore#i've been feeling it awhile. it's been a year but this wound in my chest won't heal while they're pushing a knife into it. i had to leave.#i'm just so tired of thinking about this over and over. i want to move on.#vent#tw vent#delete later
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b-blushes · 1 year
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argh pain and suffering on planet earth, i'm gonna ask for a lift for my plans on friday and if i can't get one i will cancel in advance. posting it here because it is a sad decision for me to make and if i don't hold myself to it, i'll be forcing myself to go anyway even though i know it's bad to :P
#i literally cannot remember the last time i cancelled plans bc i was too sick. i normally just like don't make them in the first place.#but i'm so weak this week and idk what's going on!!! maybe just exhausted™ and in like official various chronic illness Flare#but. hate it here. i do hate it!#but i'm fully like. not wanting to stand up bc tired. and eating different stuff because i'm so tired that i feel sick#and literally can't stomach the thought of making my planned meals haha. lucky i build in room to pivot! still got something tasty and good#i will not go into all of the many other symptoms haha just being so physically weak compared to normal is concerning me a little!#sure i have been here before though and it's nothing to worry about like. in the scheme of things. although obvs i'll talk to someone about#it at some point if it stays an issue.#One thing that sucks about having multiple conditions with multiple overlapping symptoms is that you will be feeling so bad you're Worried™#but the thought of going to the doctor is horrible because many times in the past they're just like#'yeah you have condition diagnosed with X symptom. it's probably that there's nothing we need to do about it' and SOMETIMES they're right.#and SOMETIMES you are diagnosed with a separate 'new' condition months or years later that explains those issues you were having.#and there's no way to tell which it will be so it's just like. guess i'll leave this until it becomes more disabling or urgent! 🙃
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arcadian-vampire · 1 year
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If y'all need me, I'm busy lamenting my status as a Medical Anomaly. Yeah it'll be all day. Or two. Maybe six.
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emchant3d · 8 months
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It’s the fourth time this week Eddie’s been late without a phone call.
Sure, his job has him working weird hours - Steve gets it. But he also knows his schedule and he knows the days Eddie works at the bar til close and he knows the days he’s supposed to be home before dark, and he hasn’t had a closing shift once this week. 
Yet he came home near ten tonight, and Steve had been worried and nervous and yes, sure, a little - a lot - insecure about it, and maybe he’d lashed out first, or maybe Eddie had, Steve doesn’t know, but he knows they’re standing in the living room shouting at one another and it’s all coming to a head and he can’t stop himself, can’t keep from getting loud and angry and–
"Do you even want to fucking be here?" he yells.
"Not when you're acting like this!" Eddie says, and Steve's throat goes tight like there's a fist wrapped around it. 
Not when he's acting like this, he thinks. Not when he's being too needy. Too pushy. Too demanding.
Something in his brain feels like it rewires. Their relationship flips on its head, and suddenly fear is coiling in Steve's stomach, not anger. 
He'll lose Eddie if he keeps pushing like this. If he demands too much of his time, pulls him away from what he'd rather be doing, makes himself too much work, he'll lose him. Eddie always said he wasn't going anywhere. That he loves Steve, wants to be with him, will never get tired of him. Steve was a fucking idiot to take that at face value.
He feels sick to his stomach. He wants to apologize, wants to tell Eddie to forget all about what he said, wants to show how sorry he is, but between one moment and the next he's feeling like a guest in his own home, and he's very familiar with how it feels to be unwelcome.
So instead he shakes his head. Eddie wants to be left alone, probably. Doesn't want to see Steve when he's mad at him. Doesn't want to deal with him. He'll make himself scarce.
"I'm staying in the guest room tonight," he says stiffly, and turns away, only faltering a little when Eddie mumbles 'what the fuck ever' behind him. He flinches when Eddie slams the front door and closes the spare room so quietly it barely even clicks.
– Eddie gets home late.
Like, late-late. Steve hears the front door open as he's staring at the clock on the bedside table, the bright red numbers burning into his vision. Why did they even put a fucking clock in here, he thinks. It's the guest room. Why did he insist on furnishing this room like someone might live in it? Like this was a home people would be in and out of, like their family would come and stay with them long enough to need an alarm clock on the bedside table?
Desperate, a voice in his head hisses at him, desperate and needy and full of wishful thinking that someone would want to stay around sad little Steve Harrington long enough to need anything--
Eddie's coming down the hallway. He's trying to be quiet, but he forgot to take his shoes off at the door and his Reeboks squeak a little against the hardwood. It's a familiar sound. Comforting, usually. It's how he knows his honey's made it home safe when he's out late, that tell-tale squeak and the little stumbles when he's tipsy and making his way through their home after a long gig.
There was no gig tonight, though, and Eddie's footsteps are steady and even despite the soft sound of rubber on wood. He isn't drunk, Steve doesn't think - and is that better or worse? That he left after a fight and didn't even go somewhere to drink it off. Where has he been, if not their usual bar to think about what they'd spat at one another, trying to think of solutions, of apologies?
And is Steve really owed an apology? He was overbearing. He was pushy. He was demanding and authoritative and too fucking much all over again, and Eddie lashed out in response, and does Steve deserve an apology after all that? He's been going around in circles with himself all evening about it, arguing in his own head, saying yes I deserve one because my feelings were hurt and no I don't deserve one because I lashed out first and how does he answer this for himself? He doesn't know.
He knows he'd do just about anything to make the empty feeling in his chest go away, though. Knows that he'd shove his hurt away and eat his words and apologize to Eddie and never, ever push again if it meant he knew where they stood. If it meant Eddie would forgive him and never storm out like that again, if it meant Steve knew he wouldn't be left alone like this to wonder if Eddie was coming back.
And he feels so dramatic - he can hear Robin's voice already, telling him it was just a fight, that there's no reason to get this worked up about it, but Steve can't help it. Slammed doors and loneliness are the soundtrack to his childhood and he can't help the panic he feels when someone he loves leaves.
"Do you want to be here?" he'd asked, like a fucking idiot, and Eddie hadn't said yes. Steve swallows around the lump that's taken up permanent residence in his throat. Reaches to swipe a hand over his face, rubbed raw, eyes burning with tears he won't let fall because what right does he have to cry? He brought this on himself. He always brings it on himself.
Eddie's feet are still squeaking their way slowly down the hallway, he's trying not to wake Steve - or is he just trying not to be noticed? Impossible, if Eddie Munson is in a room Steve is going to notice, how can he not? He's been yanked into that gravitational pull and there's no escape for him, not anymore, he's a moon circling around the solar system and Eddie is the sun, burning bright and pulling focus and what is Steve to do in the face of that?
He keeps his eyes fixed on the clock. Watches the display change when a minute's passed. Feels his heartbeat stutter when Eddie's shuffling, squeaking steps pause outside the guest room.
They keep a hall light on at night. It's on a dimmer, turned down way low, but neither of them do well with complete darkness. Too many nightmares, too many shadows haunting and hunting the both of them. Steve can see the muted glow of it from beneath the door.
He can also see when Eddie comes to a stop because his feet block that light. Two shadows in the doorframe, obscuring the soft haze of warm orange that creeps in a half-moon over the carpet, and Steve stops breathing. There's a soft shifting noise, fabric over wood, a gentle thunk when Eddie leans against the guest room door, and Steve almost calls out to him. Almost says I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, please don't leave again, please don't leave me, but the words stick in his throat. Ball's in Eddie's court, as it should be when Steve fucked up so bad, when he tried to ruin it all, when he made Eddie so mad that he left when he promised Steve he would never do that. Eddie's a good man. Keeps his word. Steve's the problem, Steve is always the goddamn problem, always will be, ruins and stains everything he fucking touches–
The shadow disappears. Steve squeezes his eyes shut so tight he sees lights popping behind his lids. Those shuffling squeaking steps continue their way down the hall. Steve feels like he's going to throw up but he didn't have dinner so there's nothing in his belly but bile and nothing comes up even though his throat is tight and his stomach is fucking rolling.
The bedroom door - their bedroom door - creaks on its hinges. Steve keeps meaning to put some WD-40 on it but he kind of likes that it makes a noise, that when he's asleep it's just loud enough to wake him halfway and tell him to anticipate the warm wash of tobacco and sandalwood that will cloud him when Eddie slips beneath the covers. Lets him know he's about to be grabbed and groped a little bit, sweet little kisses pressed to his shoulder and neck and jawline until he's got a face tucked into the curve of his throat, until he's giving a sleepy smile and winding his arms around a trim waist and dragging Eddie in close, sputtering and laughing tiredly as wild hair gets in his face and mouth before he falls asleep again, wrapped tight around the love of his life.
None of that tonight, apparently - and he doesn't blame him. No, he hears the bedroom door creak and it feels like a punishment that he deserves and his eyes burn and burn and burn and his face is wet now, he can't help it, and he wipes at it again angrily, takes the soft blanket to his face and why is it so soft why does Steve try so hard when he knows he won't get anything back why does he try to build a home when he's never had one and never will and is going to lose the one he's clawed onto so desperately and tried so hard to keep–
The door creaks again. Steve takes a stuttering breath. Eddie's steps are soft now as they come down the hallway, bare feet on the floor, almost silent as he creeps his way closer. Steve clenches his teeth so hard his jaw aches, anything to hold back the sounds he wants to make - he can't let Eddie hear him. He can't let Eddie know he's crying. That's manipulative, isn't it? Crying in front of the person he hurt? He won't do it, won't be that selfish, but that shadow appears at the base of the door again. Steve can't help the shaky inhale he takes, and it sounds so fucking loud in the quiet of the guest room, choked and echoing. 
"Baby?" Eddie says, voice low and quiet, rapping so gently against the door with one knuckle. "You in there, Stevie?" 
Just the sound of him is enough to send his heart crashing around in his ribcage, fluttering and jumping and making Steve tense. He wants to answer but he can’t get the words to form, his throat feels sealed shut, and he wonders if he should answer even if he were able because what could Eddie possibly have to say right now? It can’t be anything good and Steve doesn’t know if he can take it right now, in this room that makes him feel like a guest in his own home - but isn’t he always a guest? Isn’t that what he’s made to be, a temporary stop in everyone else’s story?
But he’s not ready for Eddie to move past him yet. Not tonight. Let it happen in the morning if it has to happen, let him put this off just a little longer. Just please, not tonight. Not yet.
But Eddie’s never been known for his patience, and the click of the latch has Steve slamming his eyes closed. Too late to roll over and hide his face, but he’s got enough time to duck down and tuck most of his features into a pillow. He tries to let his body relax, to let the tense lines of his muscles uncoil and his shoulders drop and his fists unclench, but he can’t tell if he’s managed it and the ache in his palms from his blunt nails tells him maybe he did, but it won’t help much.
Eddie makes his way across the carpet in silent steps, and the mattress dips with his weight as he sits on the edge of it. Steve’s fingers twitch to reach for him, but he just curls them into the sheets instead and hopes the motion looks absent enough to have happened in his sleep. 
He smells sandalwood and tobacco and feels the warmth from Eddie being so near but it feels like there’s a wall between them, one he can’t cross even if he tries, one he’s barred from so much as touching. 
He works hard to keep his breathing even but it’s hitching now and then despite his best efforts, shaky and too loud in the silent room, but he keeps up the charade even though the end of it all is perched right in front of him. And it’s Eddie who puts an end to it. It was always Eddie who was going to put an end to it.
“I know you’re awake,” he says, and Steve squeezes his eyes tighter like that’ll make it untrue, like he can just drift off in a second if he wills it hard enough. Eddie shifts on the mattress, and Steve curls tighter into himself. “Let’s just hash this out, huh? Get it over with.” Steve bites his tongue so hard he thinks he might taste blood. It’s that simple for Eddie - but it’s always simple, isn’t it? Cut and dry, plain as day, Steve is the only one who can never see it coming, it’s written on the goddamn walls for everyone else.
He risks peeking through his lashes but Eddie’s got his back to him so it doesn’t even matter, not really. Eddie isn’t looking at him and so Steve allows himself to look, takes in the hunch of Eddie’s shoulders, the curve of his spine beneath his thin pajama shirt - he’d changed, when he’d made his way through their creaky bedroom door, took off his clothes and put his pajamas on and kicked off those tennis shoes, they’re probably in a pile at the foot of the bed for Steve to trip over and he will miss tripping over them, he’ll miss it terribly.
He wonders if he’ll need to move. If he’ll have to find a new place and separate out all of their things into his things, if SteveAndEddie’sStuff will become Steve’s stuff and Eddie’s stuff. Or maybe he’ll just start staying in this guest room, maybe that’s why he furnished this room so completely, because somehow he knew he’d end up alone in it.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie says, and Steve inhales sharply.
“Don’t,” he says, and somehow he keeps his voice steady.
“So you are awake,” Eddie says, and he tries to sound teasing, sound playful, but it drops like a stone in this space between them. No room for levity in the dark cloud Steve’s filled this room with. He wishes he could be easygoing and let go gently, but it’s Eddie - in what world could he take losing him graciously?
“Yeah,” he says, and he stares at Eddie’s back as the other raises his head, but he still doesn’t turn to look at Steve, and he wishes he could at least look him in the face when he rips his heart out of his chest.
part 2
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