#side note: i feel like im abt two centimeters away from realizing i might actually be. like really actually smart?

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i literally ran out of tags while i was writing this im still very high. nothing triggering i think im just chatting abt my grades!!!

#ok tonite has been a night of revelations but the one i shall tell whomsoever read this is i can't believe i got straight a's last semester? #and like i genuinely don't mean that in a bragging way like.... i seriously don't understand it like..... #my afam professor called me out publicly at the end of almost every class for not talking enough like #like i had a 1 on 1 meeting with a professor and a got called out for bot talking enough and b ended the call trying very hard not to cry #like. i genuinely believed my afam professor hated me my grades on all our quizzes went from 100s to 50s-60s #even my gqs class the one class i looked forward to going to. like i showed up to that class earlier than all my others #even tho i had a class like ten minutes before #like even that class i would be goofing around on the internet the Entire Time except for when i put a post it note on our virtual board #and by april i had truly given up on doing readings #but i got ALL A'S #HOW what the fuck #like. i got a 100 in my gqs class and i KNOW that my work was so so so bad online!!! #HOW did my teachers judge my work as that good when my class participation and prep levels went WAY down #side note: i feel like im abt two centimeters away from realizing i might actually be. like really actually smart? #like im serious...... how were my essays and things SO good that they offset how shitty a student i was in quarantine???? #also note: i firmly believe i earned my a in spanish i regularly got perfect scores on the homework and she forced us to participate #idk i just like. most of my work this semester im never going to want to look at again. #i accidentally looked at my ssi final and it was AWFUL #i never really looked at the grade i got on it but like...... i fucked up that paper so bad #i misinterpreted assignments and ended uo with a full draft when we were only supposed to have an outline #so it was v difficult to make like. changes on schedule with everyone else and like #my grade in that class went from a 96 b4 quarantine to a 91 afterward and i do NOT understand how my final got higher than a 91 #idk like i feel like at this point. i just have to accept that im actually. smart. and good at some academic subjects #and maybe i have a future in academia #like maybe its time to stop devaluing my own skills and start recognizing the effort i put in even when i feel like it's less than perfect #also im trying very hard not to sound conceited rn i just #have always kind of considered myself generally dumb with a few exceptions but like #maybe my baseline is like..... intelligent not dumb #idk idk idk tho #im still rly glad i got good grades last semester :3 i made the deans list!!! which usually means we get a celebratory dinner but.